I’ve been reading a blog by a new Singleton who has been trying to have a one night stand for what seems like forever in her eyes. For one reason or another, the guys (5 at the last count) have all eliminated themselves from the running. This isn’t because of any lack on her part, she’s sexy, confident, intelligent and has her own place, but it’s because the guys—have been caught slacking off in one way or another. What’s up? I thought guys wanted to get picked up?
Don’t take this the wrong way guys—but honestly, there are women out there who aren’t all for a relationship. We aren’t looking for you to instantly become a boyfriend. We just want a good shag session. Why is that so hard to find???
Well, here’s a little rant dedicated to her and all the other ladies out there like her, do find what they are looking for.
One Night Stand Rules
- For starters, consider yourself lucky that I’ve settled on hanging with you for the night. Don’t think that it was a spontaneous decision based on your witty conversation or merits you laid out. No honey, it was based purely on my intuition and on my attraction to you. If the three parts of me all decide that you are worthy (my brain, my body and my vagina), then you will get a yellow light. However, if one of them objects, chances are it ain’t happening. Reasons for objections are varied but include; bad body odour, cheesy willies, dirty drawers, your cell phone blowing up 24/7, you falling asleep or passing out, lack of sexual expertise, drowning me in saliva, being unable to find the clitoris even with a map & compass etc.
- If you can’t back up the talk shut up! Don’t talk to me all night about how you are going to do me all night long, how sexy I am and at the last second remember you have a girlfriend, wife, ex or some other reason why we can’t do it. Yes—guys do lead women on as well, and it would be better if you told me from the onset and stopped wasting my time.
- Once you’ve let it slip that you have another woman in the picture, don’t get mad at me if I decide to forgo the encounter. Being your little plaything to cheat with your wife/woman or get back at your ex is just me playing with fire. I don’t need that kind of bad karma and unlimited drama, dating’s hard enough as it is.
- If during the evaluation phase you notice me yawning, me fidgeting, glancing at the clock or my eyes glazing over, chances are I’m bored with you and have decided not to go through with it. Don’t take offense when I tell you that I have an early day tomorrow and want you to leave. Seen in the bright light of the parking lot, perhaps one of the Triad changed their minds about having you over and decided to boot you off the island.
- Chances are, you might think that acing the evaluation phase gets you in. Remember, you are just a one night stand, not some grand ole’ boyfriend. Please don’t get too comfortable and start gushing and talking. Especially talking too friggin’ much! You were brought here for the sole purpose of sex-all you have to do is uphold that side of the bargain and it’s all gravy baby.
- When it comes to the question of protection, if you balk at putting on a condom then please, just get to stepping. In this day and age I have neither the time nor inclination to have you cajole me into getting laid without wrapping it up. I have a wide array of different ones in all shapes, flavours and sizes, so be like a kid in a candy store, pick your favorite and lets get some action already. It’s really that simple.
- If I happen to pick you up in a bar for a quick fling and bring you back to my pad (which rarely happens)—don’t you even dare think that you are spending the night. As soon as you are recuperated enough from our rousing bedplay, I expect you to gather all your belongings and leave. I’ve had guys leaving their wallet or cell phone as a way to be able to come back. No way Jose! I’ll mail it to you, thank you very much! And please, for the love of all things good—-don’t come back uninvited. Or I might have to break out my stun gun on you.
- Cut the sentimental bull already! No, I don’t want a rose the next morning with a note, right out of Pretty Woman. I don’t need the cards, chocolates or fancy breakfast. Just a quick text message or 30 second phone call is good enough to end the encounter.
- If you were good, you will be placed on my Booty List. Which means that when I’m in the mood, I will call you for a booty call. If you don’t hear from me, it means that you sucked and I don’t want to sleep with you ever again. Please don’t become a bugaboo or stalker. That will only get you X-ed off the list.
- Should we run into each other again on another night out: Please fight the urge to turn into a nasty punk blabbing to your mates about our encounter; Don’t presume you’ll get lucky again unless I initiate something. Be cordial.
- You aren’t the Booty King. Don’t think you’re the only one on the booty list so get those “I’m the best she’s ever had” thoughts out of your head, you are easily replaced, babe.
- Lastly, keep your mouth shut. I don’t want to be hit on by your friends the next time I’m out. You’ve made it to the Booty List, don’t throw that away. It’s an exclusive list. I’d hate to kick you to the curb because you couldn’t stop flapping your gums to your boys about how you knocked boots with me.
Visit Vixen’s blog The Bad Girls Guide