If you’re in a poor relationship or have just cut contact with a Mr Unavailable or an assclown, are heartbroken, or are already feeling the temptation to let the Christmas spirit affect your relationship sensibilities, here are the first five tips to help keep you on the straight and narrow,…or put you back on it.
1. Keep Christmas in perspective
The festive season doesn’t make copper glitter so that it becomes gold or platinum, or wave a magic wand that turns your cockroach come frog into a prince. When the crackers have been pulled, you’ve got a gut ache from turkey, and Christmas day has passed, he is what he is. Don’t confuse Christmas with an opportunity to place expectations on a current partner or ex that he is incapable of meeting irrespective of what day it is. It is Christmas, not a magic fix all.
2. No matter how much you beg, no matter how much you plead whether it is to yourself or to others, don’t feed the drama demon and use the season to restart contact.
Trust me, it will all end in tears. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but pretty soon after. The high you feel by giving into the relationship crack and drunk dialling him, texting him, turning up at the bar where he’s at, or even worse, shagging his brains out, will be replaced by a low that will deal a blow to your self-esteem. There is a reason why you started no contact and trust me, it hasn’t changed, and if anything, you’ll cement that decision if you give in to your worst self and fall off the wagon.
3. If you fall off the wagon, lick your wounds, open your eyes, and get back on it.
We are all human and sometimes it takes a backslide to give us the kick up the backside that we needed. Rather than wallow in the misery and declare yourself helpless, see things for what they are and pat yourself on the back for at least having the guts to get back on the wagon. Wallowing, self-blame, and holding a Christmas pity party is for those that don’t want to let go or be accountable for putting their lives on the right path. Don’t let this be you, and if it is, give yourself a few days to give yourself a proverbial smack on the bum and then get back in your own saddle.
4. Do not, I repeat, do not ruin Christmas or stay at home waiting for your married guy or that guy with the girlfriend to call.
I don’t care what BS he told you about how much he’ll miss you and how he wishes he could be with you, and yada yada yada. I smell a serious load of BS! The trap of the other woman is when you start putting your life on hold for these assclowns, waiting for them to dignify you with a call, or heaven forbid a stolen moment for them to text you… Next thing you know, you’ve grimaced your way through Christmas dinner and everyone’s wondering why you’re uptight. Or…you sacked off being with family or friends to stay home and cherish the moment he got in touch with you. Are you on crack? Go and live your life because regardless of what shite he is feeding you, he is getting on with his.
5. Don’t buy a gift or send a card or text message if you’re heartbroken
You may think I’m being harsh but we tend to create reasons to create contact which in turn creates expectations. There is no such thing as a free gift, card, or text message – each one of these things carries the burden of your expectation and if he doesn’t do what you consciously or subconsciously expect, you will be immensely disappointed. You have to ask yourself why you’re giving a gift or contacting someone who doesn’t want you because when a relationship is over, you need to interpret and register the signal that if the relationship has failed and he doesn’t want you, you shouldn’t be wanting him or chasing him down with festive contact. You may feel it’s about doing the right thing, but there comes a time in life when you have to recognise that sometimes we don’t recognise what is good for us, and in this case, doing the right thing is about doing right by you and preserving your sanity. If the urge grabs you, sit on the feeling and see if it you still feel the urge on the 26th or 27th. Then ask yourself if you expect anything as a result of whatever action you have planned. Then ask yourself why you think that whatever you have planned is going to change him and remind yourself that it’s a disappointing time when you keep expecting someone to change.
Part 2 coming up tomorrow!
Your thoughts?
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Last Christmas was when I got in over my head with the Math Teacher and it spun out of control until the spring thaw when I finally instituted and stuck to the NCR. Christmas can be difficult for many of us (personally I hate it) so it’s easy to fall into the trap of talking yourself into letting him in, or back into, your life. Just remember that no matter how hard the holidays might be, letting him back in is going to make more than just the holidays hard.
Wow, what a brilliant site and my daily dose of it has helped me get through the difficult weeks. I was with my EUM for nearly 2 years except at the time I had not idea what one was or how much they destroy your self esteam, i just knew something was different from previous relationships. This site has been such a learning curve. Anyway 8 months ago I came home to discover my EUM had moved out and forgotten to leave a note or tell me, before disappearing for a few weeks leaving me hurt, upset and with no idea what had happened. Cant believe it now but I tried so hard to keep friends with him and forgive him and even begged for us to try again, thats how low he had made me. I eventually saw the light and am 4 weeks into NC and my life finally feels on track again. Except today he sends an xmas card to my mum and sisters, and excludes my name on the card, but has the nerve to send it C/O of my home address for them. Part of me thinks he is an ass clown but the other half thinks maybe he has got an individual one for me and that he is a decent guy, Nobody like to admit that they got it wrong. Anyway the question is If he does make an effort to send one do I make contact and thank him or do I appear rude and ignore him. Any suggestions?
Hi,
IGNORE HIM!!!! He is an assclown. He only sent the card to your mother and sisters to annoy and upset you…and apparetnly it worked. IF, and that’s a big if, he sends you a card tah’s his business and his postage. You are not rude if you decide not to reply. HE LEFT YOU !! and without the common decency to tell you he was leaving he’s a louse and does not desereve you. I understand how you feel and how much you want things to work with this man, but it won’t…trust me. He’s only testing to see if he can continue to string you along. show him ou don’t need him anymore, cut the strings and let him loose. Don’t you deserve some happiness?
I’m a single dad, without the kids this xmas, and in between dating relationships. And I’m so not stressing. I’ll cycle on xmas day, watch a movie, read a book. No worries – I’m looking forward to relaxing.
Meanwhile, my kids and threw a dinner party last weekend, ice skated last night, and will open presents tomorrow morning. We’re simply celebrating early.
It would be great if we were all strong enough to let go. We know we should at one point..but we can’t. It is really counterproductive to fight it and sometmes we only end up kicking ourselves and making it worse.
.
The hardest and bes advice M ever gave is to stay so busy you don’t have time to think about the guy. If you do that, your self esteem naturally improves and your life improves. But it is so hard to do for me. I just want to sit around and think about him all the time and it is such a HUGE waste of time!
A friend I have confided in alot gave me a gift subscription to a video training educational site.for xmas. Instead of sitting around thinking about him, I plan to try and watch video tutorials instead and learn some new skills.
This is going to be satisfying but hard to do. Wish me luck on that.
My assclown rejected me too. He has a girlfriend now. The hard thing is rejecting him even though he rejected me. Thing is I can understand his need to be with her. I wouldn’t be so harsh as to say he is “using” her exactly but is trying to meet his own needs, through both of us.
They try to meet their own needs. We have to eventually meet our own needs and cut them off to do so. It is not in our nature to say, you rejected me so I reject you.hahaha. It is not like that, nor can it be.
But these guys just are not in the place to give us what we need. So we need to actively reject them in order to let go and find someone we can depend on.
They might be decient guys but it is being decient to a limted extent…they love you but olny when they feel like it and it doesn’t put them out too much, and it isn’t too much trouble and nothing else is going on…etc.
The crumbs they give, sweep away. Don’t dive down there and lick them up, It is not enough anymore.
oh for joy..he sent me a email. Oh my he sent me a text. I spit on that! Where is my diamonds and gold and jewels? I’ll respond to nothing less then a gift box from zales! I am worth it.
Ok who am I fooling. My EUM is so important to my career I can’t do NC with him at all But if I could that is how I’d view it.
ivy, excuses, excuses, excuses. Stop playing the victim. Why is he so important to your career?
I saw several presents when out shopping that ex eum would like but I didn’t buy them it helps that hes jewish but the larger part of me was thinking what a waste of time and money ..
I made the mistake of buying him an expensive birthday gift and his actions were to be totally ungrateful a hard and harsh lesson to learn..
I like no contact a lot now at first I hated it was only doing it so he could contact me but now its for me I see a whole lot that I just didn’t see before …
Merry Christmas to all and heres to staying strong 🙂
My xEum contacted me twice this week. I haven’t responded and it’s over three months of NC with one backslide. BUT when he does this it upsets me. It ruiins my groove that I’m trying to get in. I have another guy, nothing too serious but someone that I’ve known for awhile. I know my X is just doing this cause he wants an ego stroke but it hurts like hell, especially now during the holidays, when we were so happy last time this year. I’m going down the rabbit hole…help.
to myalmostlover,
BE STRONG!!! Keep telling yourself that he is an asshole, get mad, really mad and indignant. How dare he!? How dare he manipulate you and your emotions? Don’t let him… forget him…he’s not worthy of you or your love. You are special, you are wonderful, you are fabulous, you are lovable, you are worthy of happiness. It’s hard, believe me I know, i’ve been down the rabbit hole a few times and each times it’s darker and scarier and harder to pull yourself back up. but you can, you really can. continue NC and take it one day at a time, and before you know it one day become one month and then one year… and see you’re still here, strong and beautiful as ever. Good luck and be strong. Have a great holiday!
myalmostlover, stay strong, don’t respond, you know how it will end.
Just think: EGO, EGO, EGO, let somebody else feed it! 🙂
Enjoy the holidays with the other guy, I bet he deserves your attention!
I’m in week 4 of no contact, the longest ever with this EUM. My birthday was a week ago and the first person who texted me was my EUM! When I didn’t reply to his 2nd message he got upset and his true colors popped out again and he was actually swearing at me on my Bday! All I could think was that after four weeks and no ego stroking he desperately needed me to say something nice to him and when he didn’t get it he snapped. It just illustrated what the site says about them not really caring about your needs, it was my bday yet he was appalled that I hadn’t thanked HIM for a stupid text message! (Umm, hello, he got a lobster dinner for his bday) Anyways, NC is feeling pretty good right now, don’t think I would have made it without this site.
Oh JC how I agree with you. NC feels good and this site is a life line. I had the turmoil of being the only one excluded in an xmas card to my family, but sent to my address, and yes Krissie you were right he did press my buttons but I didnt give him the pleasure of showing him. In todays post i get a “To a special friend” card from him. I have never in all the time I have know him, known him to send birthday/xmas cards, be romantic or go that little bit extra, he always said “it wasnt him or he didnt know how to be romantic” The point i am trying to get to is that he has obviously gone out of his way by his standards, so am I mean to still ignore him? Yes I feel terrible doing it, cos I’m not that type of person, but then I remember all the times he failed to put any effort in, let me do the chasing, then behaved as if I was something he had trodden in. He had plenty of times to pick up the phone and say hi but never did, just told me that he wouldnt bend over backwards for anyone and that he hadnt done anything wrong, despite moving out and forgetting to tell me. and yes he is back with his mother, All these things remind me that I am doing the right thing and here’s to nearly week 5 of NC. It feels good being in control of me and putting me first, cos if I dont, nobody else will!! So to all those who are tempted to break the NC, dont do it, you are all better and stronger than that. Wishing you all a happy festive break and hope Santa brings you lots of goodies, x
Thanks Astelle, Kissie…….I’ll get through it, thanks for your support!!! The holidays are really hard because that’s when you see all the couples, the commercials on TV for diamonds, emotional Christmas movies. Everywhere you look there is something that reminds you of romance., well you know the drill. It’s just a nostalgic time.
To New Year/New Start, congrats on FIVE months of no contact… you go girl!!! keep it up, it’ll get better. The reason why he is doing these “romantic” things is b/c you are ignoring him. He’s blowing hot b/c he needs you to stroke his ego. He’s not doing it b/c all of a sudden he’s grown a conscience and sees that you are a wonderfully great, vivacious woman (which I’m sure you are 🙂 He’s doing it b/c he needs to know that he can still control you, he can still get you to notice him. I bet he knows that you like little momentos like cards sent on special occaisions. EUMs know just want to say and do to get us back on the hook. Mine used to tell me how woderful and special I was and how he had never met anyone quite like me I was so unique. Yet he NEVER took me anywhere or did anything nice or romantic with me, I was only special and unique when I spread my legs for him. Continue to ignore him, DO NOT respond to the card. You are not a bad person to do so. Screw him and his $1.50 card. Aren’t you worth more than that? All the time and energy and love you gave him and now when you are dog tried of his mistreatment of you he decides to send you some stupid card which refers to you as a “special friend” PULEEEZE!
To myalmostlover,
Yes holidays are hard…they feed that desire to be with someone. But we all must remember that we want more than just someone to be with, we want and deserve someone who will love us unconditionally, who will treat us with honesty and respect, compassion, tenderness and genuine care, someone who is man enough to be in tune with his emotions and has enough empathy to understand ours. That’s the someone we need for the holidays and in our lives. When I see those commercials I send up a little prayer that the Universe, in its infinite mercy and goodness, will open me up to receiving that kind of love. And that is my wish for all of you for 2009.
Peace & Blessings
Astille. The career part is something I probably something I do need to let go of and that is what makes me weak. Other people might have childern or shared property.
He is important to my career because he has hired me to do something highly skilled that nobody else would have hired me to do, and doing this work is kind of a learn on the job thing and will gain me future oportunities. Plus now I am working with experienced developers(which he hired) on the project with me so I can learn alot from them.
Also this job is all work from home and I am a student who doesn’t drive so I need a work at home job and they are extremely hard to find.
I guess everyone has something like that they want to hold on to their EUM for. He would be willing to do NC with me and reciently I asked him for a two week “Vacation” and he said yes. I am afraid to do 30 days because I’d be replaced when I come back. He’d agree to it though.
Though he agreed to the two week NC period I keep finding myself procratinating. Like now I want to wait to do the net conference with his ex wife and himself to do a presentation so if I wanted to do some coding during vacation..I could
I am really attached to him it is true. But it is the work that is making it impossible.
I guess I agree though. I am playing the victim. I must be because I am always unhappy.
ivy, while my dinner is still cooking, I want to tell you something:
You are NOT dealing with an EUM, he hired you to do work for him, you got hooked on him – how?, you never see him!!! – he is putting up with your strange behaviour because you work for him!
Why can’t you see that???
Hi Everyone Happy Holidays!
I had contact with my ex-EUM …under the guise of Happy Holidays…he contacted me after 3 months NC (because I had told him not to contact me after breaking up). Yesterday he called and we spoke on the phone…nothing about us…just general stuff…I don’t know why I didn’t think to confront why he contacted me…but I will when he does again and or just reinstate the NC…I guess there’s that small part of me that still wishes or hopes he can commit…have I lost my mind???
Thanks all of you!
finallyseenthelight, Happy Holidays, no you have not lost your mind.
Funny thing though, I just returned from a christmas dinner with good friends and we happen to talk about EUM’s and this website and one girfriend said to me, Astelle, 90% of these women on the website claim to do no contact, but in reality they are keeping it alive – like in your case, you told him no to contact you, so he did contact you and you know that he will again and you hope that he may commit. I wish for you that he may commit, but you can’t preach what you don’t practice and that is my standing on this. Don’t want to hurt your feelings, just my opinion.
Astelle..you are not hurting my feelings, I value your opinion. It’s easier to give advice to others…and up until now I had NC with him and my head was on straight…now I have to pick up and move forward…I don’t know what 90% of the other women are actually doing, but I’ve been living my life and moving forward…I plan on following that road…….
NML..thank you for the post…you know just how these men operate and reading the replies you can see how many of these women’s ex’s have contacted them under the “Happy Holidays” excuse to get in touch. I’m not going to beat myself up for accepting the contact…maybe I needed to do it to take a few giant steps forward afterwards…Thank you!
Astelle
He and I dated for six months during which time I got hooked.. He hired me AFTER I was already dating him. After he dumped me I asked him if I could keep my job and he said yes. Every time Ive seen him(only twice now since he has a girlfriend), we have had sex in his office. This is because he does not respect my bounderies and I am weak to him.
I avoid seeing him unless I have to for business. I talked to him about how I didn’t like how that all went down..He told me he was hoping to see me once a week for a no- strings thing. I told him no. Then he mentioned someone else he could do that with and let it drop.
So he is probably having an affair with the woman he mentioned to me on the phone. He would be having an affair with me too, but I never see him. But I stilll have alot of feelings for him and fantasize and nuture hope he will see me as something worthy of committing to one day.
When he dumped me he told me he wished he could keep both of us. He still says that. Of course he wants to do this by cheating. I want Polyamory.
I got hooked on him because we dated. I am still hooked on him because we dated and I never did NC because I work for him.
Sometimes it is just book keeping. My friend told me today he sent a xmas message to everyone on his text messaging list. He said that those who do not respond get deleated. It is just a big mass mailing for him when he does it. It isn’t personal. He does it every year. Some people have a xmas card list they update every year like that. Sometimes that isn’t personal either. Sometimes their personal assistants do the mailing.