Tags: closure

Ex’s tend to throw up more questions than answers. It’s better to get over the desire to confront your ex because it’s a futile exercise which may end up leaving you even more in the dark, or angrier, more hurt, or any number of negative things, but it rarely gives you closure.

It stands to reason that when a break up takes place, the optimal time for you to have any questions answered is when the the break up is taking place, or within the next few days to a week or so. Any time after that and it all becomes rather hazy. Time may be known as a great healer but it also allows people to put their own perspective on things, and much like Chinese Whispers, what actually happened and what they think happened, become two very different things, which of course, will warp your desired explanation.

If you go in there all guns blazing, regardless of how much of a dickhead he is, he is likely to believe that you are a bunny boiling psycho that he’s lucky to have got shot of. Just like the way men have a habit of perceiving simple questions as nagging, this is an example of another thing that he will exaggerate and misinterpret.

If he’s moved on, shouldn’t you? Ex’s are ex’s because they are in the past and if you feel the need to ‘confront’ them, it suggests that your relationship hasn’t ended on great terms, or that you have since found out something that you don’t like. However, your relationship is over. He could apologise and he may or may not mean it, but even if he did, you may find that there is no great wind of change with how you feel about the break up.

Confronting ex’s is often about a subconscious desire to interact with them, to have their attention on you, and potentially remind them of what they are missing. If this is what you want to do, a confrontation is not the way to go about it.

Unless your break up has turned up like a bolt from the blue with little or no explanation, it’s likely that you have all of the answers in your own eyes and mind without him ever opening his mouth. On examination of how you have truly felt over the last few weeks or months, it’s likely that there were some signs that all was not well in the garden of love. All that aside, it’s his actions that do speak louder than his words, and if he’s been behaving like a total sh*t, what more do you really need to know?

Confronting your ex is like seeking a confirmation of something through explanation but why do you need them to confirm it? Can’t you draw your own conclusions and be done with that? I don’t deny that breaking up is hard and closure and moving on is even harder, but we don’t all get to have the perfect explanation. In fact, even when you get an explanation, it doesn’t mean that you automatically move on. The only person you have any control over in this situation is yourself. As long as you are being real with yourself and recognising any personal issues that may impact on how successful your relationships are, what the hell do you need from them?

In fact, moving on and closure is all about you. It’s about recognising and accepting what has happened and removing your emotional investment out of that person and situation and focusing on yourself and the other things that matter in your life. Don’t put yourself through the turmoil of confronting your ex because you’re expending energy that is better spent elsewhere. Your ex doesn’t give you closure, you do. Closure is permission to move on, but you can ultimately grant that to yourself.

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