When I was single (and that isn’t such a long time ago!) there was a time when I used to look back at my previous relationships and dalliances and wonder how the hell I managed to always attract certain types of guys that brought certain types of issues. This cycle went on for most of my twenties and for a long time I used to think it was rather entertaining, but most definitely frustrating coincidence. I went from emotionally unavailable controlling f*ckwit of an ex fiance, to guy who thinks he’s giving me all of his emotions but forgot about the excess baggage of a girlfriend, to guy who was a blowing hot and cold emotionally unavailable who also shared his home with his ex girlfriend, to another guy who shared his home with his ex girlfriend, to verbal diarrhoea but really an emotionally unavailable guy who was also pretty much semi-long distance. I haven’t even touched on all of the crackerjacks that I encountered in between who for instance approached me in a bar or a club, or I went on one date with.
To my own eyes, my dating past looks utterly ridiculous, yet I can honestly say that at one point I thought I was having a distinct run of bad luck.
It was juggling a mysterious immune system disease and my bad taste in men which eventually brought a clarity to me about my own actions that left me so uncomfortable, it was like fighting to get out of my own skin. I was the common denominator in every single situation which actually made me at least partially responsible for my past. I had been bumbling through life, writing and telling stories about what seemed like a rather entertaining series of events that I had no control over or any responsibility and got left with the rather burning realisation that until I took responsibility for who I was, where I had been and where I was going, jack sh*t was going to change.
As someone who found herself in a dark period for almost 4 years of my life, where I battled with sarcoidosis (an immune system disease that seems to manifest itself in all sorts of ways throughout the body), I am testament to the fact that if you bury your emotions, hide from yourself, hide from your past and hide from your present, one way or another, it will take it’s toll and manifest itself in some rather unpleasant ways. I could seem and act happy but if I wasn’t, the truth would show itself somehow.
Every day, through this blog and my personal blog, I come across men and women (mostly women) who are putting themselves through all sorts of caper in the so-called pursuit of happiness, which is actually a pursuit of misery. There are a lot of us showing ourselves a distinct lack of self-love which puts us in the frontline of situations that are unhealthy for us. Many of us are taking chances on men who have no intention of taking any chances on us. There are a lot of weekend women, bit on the side, chuck a few crumbs when it suits women, who are letting emotionally unavailable men, cheaters and men who just don’t give a monkey’s wreak havoc in their lives. Look at this post on being the other women – it is shocking how many women have all pinned their hopes on the same bullsh*t story and the same misery rather than face being on their own, having a greater self-love and being available to good love in a good relationship.
When are we going to get it through our heads that unlike that bullsh*t line in Jerry Maguire, getting and keeping a man is not having someone to ‘complete’ you? It’s about being whole before you even get to him. Women need to stop marginalising themselves to the status of ‘other woman’ or ‘mistreated woman’ and avoid these ‘pretend relationships’ where the guy makes us think that we’re in a relationship by throwing us just enough crumbs to keep us hooked.
It’s not easy to shake old bad habits, but it all depends on how much we want to. If you’re waiting for something or someone to fix the habit of a lifetime and suddenly make everything right, you’re avoiding the responsibility you have in creating your own present and future. If you’re ‘trying’ to shake off a bad relationship such as one with an emotionally unavailable man or an attached man, stop ‘trying’ and do it. Put yourself first. It’s amazing how when we spend enough time in our company, discover a healthy dose of self esteem and self love and stop allowing any Tom, Dick or Harry to blaze into our lives and p*ss all over it in the name of passion and a wing and a prayer of them ever actually getting their act together, that we can actually find ourselves being attracted to and attracting the type of guys that will give good love and good relationships.
Remember, until you change your attitude, even if the perfect man actually existed and turned up for you to be with, your love habits will put a one woman wrecking ball through the whole thing. You haven’t got a distinct case of bad luck going on – you make your own luck.
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Wow. I really needed to read this. Thanks.
so so so so true….i’ve come the the realization recently as well in all of my relationships be they intimate or not that i have contributed greatly to the rise and fall of them all. it’s definitely time for me to take responsibility for my actions and make things what i want and need them to be.
thanks for the reality check!!!
It comes down to that old saying which applies to everything in your life….. there are two types of people, those who let life happen to them and those who make life happen for them. It is far far better to be the latter and be in control, but there are far to many of us who only learn this in our adulthood once we have been battered and bruised emotionally. It’s a struggle to get there as I am finding out, but I am determined to gain control of my life, forever. You are so right, it’s about taking responsibility for your past and moving on.
This is truly what I needed to read. I just ended a relationship with someone who was not emotionally available to me. I woke up and prayed to God to show me a sign as to whether or not I should try working things out–and I will take your blog as my slap upside the head from the Lord. THANK YOU!!
Wow! how great is this article? I needed to read this. My situation is just like a lot of other women out there. I met this guy and we connected right away, it was great. I was happy to be with him and he with me until he suddenly started withdrawing and I immediately started feeling insecure and wondered what had gone wrong. Well, not long after feeling him withdrawing, i realized that there was something wrong so i tried talking to him but he managed to make the whole situation seem trivial. After about two months of struggling to hold on to the relationship, I let go of it. Well, last week i found out why he was acting strange-he got this woman he had claimed to be his ex pregnant. Yup, the man was two-timing. But i’ll tell you what, i walked out of that situation with my head high. I didn’t cause any drama, didn’t make angry, frantic calls, i just simply let him go because i know what i am worth and he obviously doesn’t know my value.
AMEN.
I am sure that I will be returning to this part of the site to reread this article as I work through letting go of the bad relationship I just got out of. Thanks!
ive been searching and searching the net for some words of wisdom to help get me thru my situation, a 2 1/2 month relationship with an extremely emotionally unavailabe man…i keep trying to trick myself into thinking that he is enough, and he’s not, and although it hurts I know I deserve more…
THANK YOU for writing the words I need to hear…
Thanks NML, so many of us need to hear these words. God Bless
Thank you so much for your work. I have been struggling for nearly a year to get over or through or done with a relationship with a man who turned out to be a cross dresser among other things. Sounds crazy, but the hook has always been that he has seemed to be so truthful with his emotions and thoughts.The “blowing hot and cold” comment was tremendously enlightening.
I just discovered by name on the internet(by googleing my name) in relation to a comment I thought was to just be a part of the website. I love your work, I’m sorry I don’t feel safe to post anymore though.
*Editors Note
I have sent you an email regarding your comment. All comments on this site are published with information that you input. Hence when it asks for your name, you can write ‘Cynthia’;’Cynth’;’C’;’Girl from London’ or whatever you want to write. I have amended your comment and removed your surname and despite initial plans to remove your comment, I felt it better to publicly respond to your assertion.
There has now been a note added below the commenting field. I am more than happy to edit people’s comments on request (as I have done in the past for people’s errors) but I want it noted on public record that I do NOT take people’s personal information and publish it! I have no idea what the true names are of the bulk of readers of this site and that is absolutely fine. I don’t have the means to find out anyone’s personal information and I implore readers to be careful about what information they put in about themselves! If you don’t want your name to appear…Do NOT under any circumstances write it.