When I was single (and that isn’t such a long time ago!) there was a time when I used to look back at my previous relationships and dalliances and wonder how the hell I managed to always attract certain types of guys that brought certain types of issues. This cycle went on for most of my twenties and for a long time I used to think it was rather entertaining, but most definitely frustrating coincidence. I went from emotionally unavailable controlling f*ckwit of an ex fiance, to guy who thinks he’s giving me all of his emotions but forgot about the excess baggage of a girlfriend, to guy who was a blowing hot and cold emotionally unavailable who also shared his home with his ex girlfriend, to another guy who shared his home with his ex girlfriend, to verbal diarrhoea but really an emotionally unavailable guy who was also pretty much semi-long distance. I haven’t even touched on all of the crackerjacks that I encountered in between who for instance approached me in a bar or a club, or I went on one date with.

To my own eyes, my dating past looks utterly ridiculous, yet I can honestly say that at one point I thought I was having a distinct run of bad luck.

It was juggling a mysterious immune system disease and my bad taste in men which eventually brought a clarity to me about my own actions that left me so uncomfortable, it was like fighting to get out of my own skin. I was the common denominator in every single situation which actually made me at least partially responsible for my past. I had been bumbling through life, writing and telling stories about what seemed like a rather entertaining series of events that I had no control over or any responsibility and got left with the rather burning realisation that until I took responsibility for who I was, where I had been and where I was going, jack sh*t was going to change.

As someone who found herself in a dark period for almost 4 years of my life, where I battled with sarcoidosis (an immune system disease that seems to manifest itself in all sorts of ways throughout the body), I am testament to the fact that if you bury your emotions, hide from yourself, hide from your past and hide from your present, one way or another, it will take it’s toll and manifest itself in some rather unpleasant ways. I could seem and act happy but if I wasn’t, the truth would show itself somehow.

Every day, through this blog and my personal blog, I come across men and women (mostly women) who are putting themselves through all sorts of caper in the so-called pursuit of happiness, which is actually a pursuit of misery. There are a lot of us showing ourselves a distinct lack of self-love which puts us in the frontline of situations that are unhealthy for us. Many of us are taking chances on men who have no intention of taking any chances on us. There are a lot of weekend women, bit on the side, chuck a few crumbs when it suits women, who are letting emotionally unavailable men, cheaters and men who just don’t give a monkey’s wreak havoc in their lives. Look at this post on being the other women – it is shocking how many women have all pinned their hopes on the same bullsh*t story and the same misery rather than face being on their own, having a greater self-love and being available to good love in a good relationship.

When are we going to get it through our heads that unlike that bullsh*t line in Jerry Maguire, getting and keeping a man is not having someone to ‘complete’ you? It’s about being whole before you even get to him. Women need to stop marginalising themselves to the status of ‘other woman’ or ‘mistreated woman’ and avoid these ‘pretend relationships’ where the guy makes us think that we’re in a relationship by throwing us just enough crumbs to keep us hooked.

It’s not easy to shake old bad habits, but it all depends on how much we want to. If you’re waiting for something or someone to fix the habit of a lifetime and suddenly make everything right, you’re avoiding the responsibility you have in creating your own present and future. If you’re ‘trying’ to shake off a bad relationship such as one with an emotionally unavailable man or an attached man, stop ‘trying’ and do it. Put yourself first. It’s amazing how when we spend enough time in our company, discover a healthy dose of self esteem and self love and stop allowing any Tom, Dick or Harry to blaze into our lives and p*ss all over it in the name of passion and a wing and a prayer of them ever actually getting their act together, that we can actually find ourselves being attracted to and attracting the type of guys that will give good love and good relationships.

Remember, until you change your attitude, even if the perfect man actually existed and turned up for you to be with, your love habits will put a one woman wrecking ball through the whole thing. You haven’t got a distinct case of bad luck going on – you make your own luck.

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