Drama had a friend in my ‘bad voice’ – a bit like Good Cop/Bad Cop, with Good Cop being my ‘gut’. Drama has a friend too in your own Bad Cop or the Voice of Unreason..
But the more you start to feel good, the less room ‘the bad voice’ or The Voice of Unreason has to enter into your life and when it does, the gut with ‘The Voice of Reason’ kicks in.
The Voice of Unreason is powered by insecurity.
The Voice of Reason is powered by higher self-esteem, intuition, self-awareness, and the ability to judge a situation without lust, libido, or insecurity getting in the way.
You will trust your gut when you trust yourself. If you don’t trust yourself or your judgement you will find yourself in poor relationships.
You’ll hang in there because you have the choice between trusting your own judgement and having to contend with your insecurity, or have the choice of trusting him but at least being safe in the knowledge that he’s ‘there’ and you’re not ‘alone’. Better to put the fate of your relationship and you in someone elses hands than entrust yourself with that responsibility, eh?
The only way that you are going to learn how to trust yourself is to start liking and loving yourself and the only way you can start doing that is by withdrawing out of situations that contribute to making you feel bad about you, or serve as a great big glaring reminder that your gut and judgement radar must have been turned off.
I realised that it was better to be alone than to be in a relationship and feel worse. I know people who feel alone in a room full of people and I can reassure you that if you think that the species with a penis and a whole load of baggage on his back is going to make you feel at one with the universe, it’s just not gonna happen.
“But I love him!” some readers say.
You love the drama, you love the dependence, you love the emotional rollercoaster and you love placing everything on him, rather than having to trust in you because at least if the sh*t hits the proverbial fan, you can say “Well I loved him unconditionally and he didn’t appreciate it and give me what I want”
Sometimes when our gut is telling us something we choose not to hear it because the truth is uncomfortable. Some of us actually hear the gut loud and clear but go ahead and do the opposite anyway because it gives us the self-fulfilling prophecy, which is sabotaging your own chances.
This is like the house of cards. You remove one Drama Seeker out of the situation and everything else falls down around it.
Likewise, your progress and route to a happier you has a positive knock on effect. You start liking you…you start loving you…things look different…you feel different…YOUR GUT RESONATES…you move with positivity instead of negativity…you vibrate differently to those around you…you radiate a better you…you draw in better people around you and those who know you and love you feel a positive benefit and those who know you and take advantage find themselves having to buck up their ideas or get out…even when you get some knocks you realise that YOUR GUT reminds you that irrespective of what is taking place around you, you love you unconditionally and that in turn makes it easier to overcome difficulties rather than writing yourself off as soon as something bad happens….
Your self-esteem and your gut go hand in hand together.
You always have the choice to listen to what might be the incy wincy Voice of Reason, your gut, trying to make itself heard over the louder booming voice of insecurity. Listen to your gut and if it’s possible that it is asking you to opt out of the familiar into an uncomfortable territory that will yield you better medium, long-term, and even short term results, listen, hear it, and act upon it. Your GUT is your friend, drama, is not!
Your thoughts?
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Catch up on posts in the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series.
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NML – GREAT POST!!
“You will trust your gut when you trust yourself”. WOW! Powerful! My gut was saying ABORT ABORT from that very 1st meeting & I didn’t follow it. Oh I acted like I was going to keep my options open but when he left the drama “victim” kicked in. The self fulfilling prophecy that I am never good enough & will never find a man to love me for who I am. Wanting love so much, wanting a relationship with someone after 8 years of singleness.
“Better to put the fate of your relationship and you in someone elses hands than entrust yourself with that responsibility, eh”? WOW AGAIN! I have learned so much from you! Thx again!
I agree with Kim–another “spot on” post, NML! There is another term for our “gut” and that is “red flag”! We MUST listen to our gut because it is directly connected to paying attention to those red flags! I truly believe that our gut will never steer us in the wrong direction if we stay tuned in at all time, especially when we are getting to know a potential EUM. So many personal revelations here–How can we truly love another if we don’t love ourselves? How can we trust another if we don’t trust ourselves?
I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog so far. I’d love to hear your thoughts about how you break with an EUM when you can’t help but see him all the time as a result of work or school; or how you can modify the NCR for those situations.
NML, wonderful post. 🙂
I have the warning bells going off in my ‘gut’. But I do the total opposite of what it’s telling me. I mustn’t love myself enough to trust it yet. lol
Fake It ‘Til I Make It>
Its all bussiness, that is how you modify NCR. Don’t be alone, smile and nodd, and keep moving. If its work, always be professional and bussiness focused. Do not respond to any emails, IM’s unless they are work related and then do not insert any personal comments. Its as if it never was>
I have to work every day with my ex-EUM, and we both ride the train into work (but not together). I really don’t care that seeing him every day lets me know that he’s ok. It would be easier to move on if I didn’t have to work with him, but I have to own up to making the choice to get involved with someone I work with, so that means I have to deal with seeing him every day. I agree about just staying professional, making sure to keep the boundaries in place, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other! To be honest, I keep hoping he will get another job somewhere else someday.
Hey Fake it till I make it. I hÃ¥ve been in that exact situation a few times. And definitely just go about your business. Don’t purposely avoid or ignore him (I’ve tried that and it takes more energy in close quarters than he’s worth).
Just go on like you don’t know him or don’t care. It will get easier with practice.
And when people ask, just say ‘God no, I’m fine, it doesn’t bother me at all’…pretty soon you will believe it yourself. Honest.
It’ll be a bit tougher cause you do have more unrelenting reminders, as in him, but it isn’t impossible at all!
And one good thing, you have the advantage of seeing him and knowing that he is ok. Which is one of our big excuses for breaking NCR isn’t it.
‘But I wanted to know if he’s alright’…lol…ya ya
Break a leg girl! You’ll be fine!
Finally over it – eventually when they realise that they have no power and you’ve moved on, they are likely to get a job elsewhere. It’s no fun for them when they can’t screw with you. I will write a post on this though – no contact at work and how to break yourself into it.
Thanks for all your comments everyone!
Hey all,
Thanks for the advice. For the past month or so I’ve been doing my best to keep our relationship strictly business. But it’s hard to chart a path between outright hostile and far too pliable. The man in question is smart, funny, and has provocative and thought-provoking comments to make about politics — and I’m a political junkie. I made the mistake a few days ago of thinking I could enjoy his conversation without feeling manipulated or depressed afterwards, but I was wrong. So I’ve recommitted myself to my own modified NCR, and I’m hoping it’ll get me to a place where I can truly say that I don’t care what’s going on in his head, because I’m convinced that it’ll never make sense.