Last month I advised Astelle with Advice: Help me understand how my emotionally unavailable man has been treating me and Advice: Why did he respond if he’s not interested in me?. To do a quick recap, Astelle was involved with an emotionally unavailable man who she wouldn’t hear from for long periods of time unless she made contact. Occasionally they would meet up and they would go through brief spurts of togetherness, but for the most part, it was very off. Astelle has stuck to The No Contact Rule since then and when she started this I explained that he was unlikely to make contact and now I explain why.
Astelle asks “In your response you said that it’s unlikely that HE will make contact with me. My friends tell me that as well, but I think they tell me that because they don’t want me to wait for him and they know he is a user and a piece of crap.
Would you please explain to me your reasoning for thinking that it is unlikely that he will contact me?
I am still getting over him, I have made NO contact and I won’t contact him, because I am sooooo embarrassed that I chased him and I am trying to find a way to get over being so embarrassed, trying to somewhat comfort myself.
If you could explain to me why you think he won’t make contact I would appreciate it very much. Also, are these men narcissists?”
NML says: He is unlikely to get in touch with you because you were the person who maintained the bulk of the contact. It is likely that he still believes that at some point you will give in and make contact because he thinks that a pattern has been established. You probably need to surpass the total amount of the longest stretch of no contact with him before he might realise that you aren’t getting in touch.
If he does get in touch, he is only doing it to 1) use you for your company and an ego massage and 2) to test if the door is still open.
Whatever his reasons are for being in touch, the end result will be the same. He will lose interest again and go about his business.
Most emotionally unavailable men are narcissists. They are self-absorbed, overgrown babies with the emotional span of a stone. They engage with you not because they’re interested but because they need you to make them believe that they are better than they are.
You give him credibility and he gets to think that he has still got ‘it’, that he’s making an effort, albeit a vague one to maintain a relationship, and he gets his ego and sometimes sexual needs attended to. He doesn’t want to be with you, he just likes the feeling of you being the Fallback Girl – someone to fall back on when he feels a little bit uncertain about his place in the relationship world.
Maybe he got rejected, maybe he has run out of people to contact online, maybe he’s not so busy this week and stuck with his own company, or maybe he’s just passing, time but because of his core personality and characteristics of being emotionally unavailable, his reasons will all amount to him behaving as he always does.
Let go of him and don’t try to reason the unreasonable. Your friends are actually right and if you know that someone is a user, don’t give them the opportunity to use.
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About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1083 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Hello,
I’m in the same situation, I’ve been dating this guy for 9 months now and he used to wait for my call like once per week. When I ask him to go out, he is all enthusiastic & stuff, “Sure!”, like he was expecting me to call him.
One day I didn’t call. I felt like I’m always the one who does the calling thingie, so I said “let him call me!”. Guess what: he never called. He didn’t contact me in 6 days now, and I’m biting my lips every time I think about contacting him, but I managed to mind my own business. We also live in the same city, but we both have awkward schedules, therefore our main communicating device remains the Internet & the phone. He says he’s not much of a phone person, nor likes to talk through IMs, he claims that he doesn’t know what to say, that his mind blocks et, but I once told him (~a month ago) it would be nice to hear from him more often, from time to time. He said he’ll try his best to improve the relationship, but here we are, nothing changed. I’m tired of being patient, plus, we’re adults, not teenagers, so I think a 27 year-old guy should know or at least should be able to confront me & the situation maturely. He said he never had a relationship before, which makes me think he doesn’t know how to treat a woman. But still, I think it’s a human’s instinct to care about the partner and there’s a first time for everything as well.
So yeah, tl;dr version: if he expects you to call, surprise him: DON’T CALL, see if he reacts. If he doesn’t, you should move forward. Believe me, if it’s your first time going through this, will be hard to detach from him (for me it’s the 2nd time, I’m immune now
), but it’s best you can do. Even if he’s the hottest, the cutest, the smartest and no matter how much you want him, he’s not the only guy on Earth. If he does contact you, then his brain must’ve start functioning, you woke it up from its laziness. I’m not being hostile with men, all I’m saying is that they barely notice this kind of things.
Good luck!