Astelle asks “In your response you said that it’s unlikely that HE will make contact with me. My friends tell me that as well, but I think they tell me that because they don’t want me to wait for him and they know he is a user and a piece of crap.
Would you please explain to me your reasoning for thinking that it is unlikely that he will contact me?
I am still getting over him, I have made NO contact and I won’t contact him, because I am sooooo embarrassed that I chased him and I am trying to find a way to get over being so embarrassed, trying to somewhat comfort myself.
If you could explain to me why you think he won’t make contact I would appreciate it very much. Also, are these men narcissists?”
NML says: He is unlikely to get in touch with you because you were the person who maintained the bulk of the contact. It is likely that he still believes that at some point you will give in and make contact because he thinks that a pattern has been established. You probably need to surpass the total amount of the longest stretch of no contact with him before he might realise that you aren’t getting in touch.
If he does get in touch, he is only doing it to 1) use you for your company and an ego massage and 2) to test if the door is still open.
Whatever his reasons are for being in touch, the end result will be the same. He will lose interest again and go about his business.
Most emotionally unavailable men are narcissists. They are self-absorbed, overgrown babies with the emotional span of a stone. They engage with you not because they’re interested but because they need you to make them believe that they are better than they are.
You give him credibility and he gets to think that he has still got ‘it’, that he’s making an effort, albeit a vague one to maintain a relationship, and he gets his ego and sometimes sexual needs attended to. He doesn’t want to be with you, he just likes the feeling of you being the Fallback Girl – someone to fall back on when he feels a little bit uncertain about his place in the relationship world.
Maybe he got rejected, maybe he has run out of people to contact online, maybe he’s not so busy this week and stuck with his own company, or maybe he’s just passing, time but because of his core personality and characteristics of being emotionally unavailable, his reasons will all amount to him behaving as he always does.
Let go of him and don’t try to reason the unreasonable. Your friends are actually right and if you know that someone is a user, don’t give them the opportunity to use.
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“Let go of him and don’t try to reason the unreasonable.”
Exactly. If he likes you enough he will call you. Its as simple as that. Don’t waste your time on him and don’t be desperate, that is VERY unattractive.
JohnofScribbleSheet – “If he likes you enough he will call you.” Umm, you might be missing the point. We all like to think that we respect each other, that getting to know and like one another means that we will also enjoy each other’s company now and in the future.
But the world isn’t that simple. The guy in this case isn’t your average wholesome kid next door – he has issues. He can’t sustain a relationship, for whatever reason. He seems to accept affection and regard when it is offered, but he has no idea how to return the affection and maintain communications. Guys probably consider him a fair-weather friend, if he needs something he will show up, otherwise he doesn’t seem to think about anyone but himself.
The point is, he likely seldom thinks about the lady, and when he does is quite unlikely to contact her. For the dysfunctional, the issue is not ‘he loves me, he loves me not’, the issue is about his experiences, his perceptions, his world view, his ability to bond, and how all of that is skewed from what we want to think.
Astelle: Learn about codependence, and how you are enabling his dysfunctional life. The No Contact Rule is not a goal, it is a beginning. This is the time to find yourself, brace up the weak spots, and find yourself a new path through life. Cherish the fond memories, accept he has passed from your life, and proceed with your grieving.
Blessed be.
Brad, I just had to say: absolutely spot on. This time, I’m with you 100%.
Blessed be,
Ixx
Its a pattern which WE WOMEN, US help to set.
Here’s what happened with me. I went from an independent, intelligent, secure woman to a nervous, snivelling wreck, it did not happen overnight, he did it systematically and you do not even realise it creeping up on you.
While we used to speak everyday, my guy was BIGGGG on giving me the silent treatment. It ‘d throw me off balance and I’d keep calling him, and sending him texts to which of course he never replied. This would go on for weeks until he’s finally satisfied or his egos been inflated enough, I mean who knows, we are not dealing with the norm here but the point is this, we are participating in these games. Oh here is the best part, if you think coz you put up with this BS he is finally gonna see how great you are, appreciate you or finally treat you right, think again, ALL IT DOES IS GET WORSE, REALLY WORSE. I know, been there, done that.
I have stepped away, not easy but possible and the longer you stay away, the clearer the picture becomes.
I have broken up and got together many times, nothing has changed. And you can read all the blogs and articles from here to kingdom come but if you are not going want something good and right for you, nothing will help.
I spend each day thinking, if I had put my foot down and respected myself more, one of two things would have happened.
He would have left me or learnt to respect me
more. I would not have lost either way now would I.
Take care all.
I LOVE it when people speak out about narcissism! It’s so prevalent in Western culture, which means we really have to keep our eyes peeled for these guys (and gals) when we’re out there in the big, bad dating world.
Astelle: May I add that you should prepare NOW for how you’ll react when and if you hear from him? My experience with narcissists is that they always come back, given a sufficient cool-off period. When they do, if they catch you off guard, it’s so easy to be swept away in the current of that old longing.
So decide now. Block your phone and email, and if he manages to get through the filters or contact you in some other way, choose NOW to NOT RESPOND. NC is about not responding to contact as well as not initiating it. If he calls you, hang up. If he emails you, delete it unopened. Don’t even bother to read or listen to what he has to say. It will be full of lies designed to convince you how sorry he is and how much he’s changed.
Also check out this support group for victims of narcissists. I was a constant presence there when I was detaching from the N in my life, and it helped more than anything else.
Singletude
Elise,
I just realized that I have not thought about to prepare if he makes contact since it is very unlikely that he will make contact.
NML has tought me lot about these type of men, also all the mistakes that I made.
SHOULD he make contact and I let him suck me back in, then this circus starts all over and I will not allow this ever again, not him
or any other man. I was reading a little bit about narcissists and honestly that scares me a little bit. Time to stay far away from these kind of people!
I don’t want to join a support group, I am starting to feel like myself again and I am getting ready to put myself out in the dating world!
I should know all the red flags by now and I will never ignore my gut feeling again. 🙂
Dubravka Rendleman
“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”
Sometimes we fall in love and give our heart before we know who it is we are dealing and then when we do. In my case he plain blatanly lied to my face and well I believed him. He wanted this and he wanted that and all of that with me. I asked him if all this was too much for him to handle, he went Nooooooooo….and then when I ask him to step up to his word, he gives me this look and goes “Things change” and then goes “Lets Break Up” just like that without batting an eyelid. One minute you are idealised then discarded like trash. And the worse is this, even as we know this is more to do with him, we end up feeling like we did something wrong.
I take it one day at a time, be authentic and real about who and what I am and believe that like will attract like.
Astelle: That’s terrific that you’ve been reading the lowdown on narcissism, and it’s even better that you feel like you’re healing and are ready to move on now! Good for you! 🙂
Singletude
Humph. EUM suck!
I met a great guy online, we got talking. I didn’t fancy him until I saw him in the flesh; we hit it off immediately. He lives in Europe, I live in England.
So we fly back and forth, seeing each other. Talking, texting, emailing… then I notice that I’m initiating contact. Ho hum. We go on vacation, and when we return there’s no message to ask if I got home OK. Ho hum again. Contact dries up slowly but surely. More ho hum.
I spend Christmas with him and feel like I’m cashing for attention. He’s loving when I’m about to leave to come home, but something still doesn’t feel right.
Since January, we didn’t talk much and I had had enough, so confronted him. He said the distance was an issue; not being able to see me was making him grumpy, and his solution is to withdraw (he did this to me when together). I questioned this, saying that communication was the key to keeping things going – it’s crucial anyway. If you can’t spend time with me, then a fucking text message or random phone call wouldn’t go amiss.
He’d had a LD relationship before and it didn’t work out – did he not know where I lived? Why start something and get yourself – and someone else – into something you’re going to destroy anyway?
In the spirit of not being treated like a tard (or a turd) I pointed out that ignoring me/not returning msgs/ not calling when you say constitutes not treating your lady that well – and fed up, I said I was out of there. No apology even for being such a git to me – no nothing – most guys will say even a token ‘sorry’ to make themselves feel better for being a jerk. Then he has the cheek to ask for space to clear his head, to let go of the stress and tension (that he’d contributed to).
I joined some single networking groups on the site we are both on. He saw this and reacted with hurt and outrage, saying he cared about me and that it had upset him. I told him I still liked him, and he’d said that he never wanted to break up, and that ‘he never said he didn’t want to be with me’ – not the same as saying you do, is it?
Now he wants to see me while he’s over on a business trip – while I called him and asked if we could go out for a drink to put all the recent awkwardness behind us and remain on good terms, I heard nothing more until he emailed and asked if I was still OK to meet up, texting me just a few hours ago. He has nothing else planned, as far as I know. I want to see him (still like/miss him) but am being wary.
There’s a part of me that wants him back, but I have no idea what’s in his head. I hate this! But I know I spoke up for myself and made it clear I was better than being treated badly. I’ll soon see what he has to say for himself.
You know how I have chosen to start thinking about these ‘assclowns’ (love that term NML)
Everyone comes into your life for a reason.
Maybe the reason for us letting these types of people into our lives is something greater. A lesson we need to learn. Not necessarily that there are assclowns out there, but how to have more respect for ourselves. It doesn’t even matter about them anymore. It’s about us, and not feeling like every guy is like this (cause they aren’t) and not feeling like a victim.
We all get taken, but realizing that we have and learning what we DON’T want is a huge lesson to learn, and one that will serve us well.
I frickin’ hope anyway!
I don’t even know if narcissism is the right way of describing these people ( people-cause chicks do it to), but more of an incapability to deal with anything. At all. Most of the time they are just scared little insecure boys who need validation.
And pretty self loathing as well. In my experience.
But then again, I have wounded bird syndrome.
Love the drama…lol.
Just remind yourself that you have done nothing wrong, you are not stupid, you are not a fool or a victim, and above all you have learned a very important ‘don’t want’ for your mental records…
easier said then done, of course, cause I tell myself this everyday…but it does help!
Elsie, Astelle,
We regularly change ‘hats’, or roles in life, often on a daily basis. We go from being a parent, a provider, a homeowner/renter at home, to duties and responsibilities at work.
In just such a way, we meet a new person, and begin exchanging responsibilities and emotional dependence with them. This is a beginning.
When you begin the ‘No Contact Rule’, this is an ending. That is, the emotional connections, the responsibilities, all end. The person may have the same name, but there is no longer a relationship. He went home. He is no longer ‘the guy I went with’, he is once again ‘some guy I know well enough to be polite to, with reservations.’
Astelle, if he does contact you, treat him as if he were an aggressive Amway salesman or Jehovah’s Witness proselyte – a person that you might know about, but not someone you will let into the house, and if possible you want to avoid letting him start his (18 minute) spiel. He isn’t Hannibal Lector (I hope!), but he isn’t anyone that you can trust – you have learned that about him, at least.
Picture the clerk that checked the last bag of groceries you bought. If he contacts you, respond as if that clerk now has his name. I sure hope you find more joy in life.
Moxie,
This guy sounds like a bad waste of time. There are several risks you face. One, is that by continuing to pay attention to him, other possible prospects see that you are occupied, and you might miss a wonderful opportunity for something that won’t ever happen. Millions of people visit and adore Disneyland each year. Very few ever work there. Think, ‘booty call’.
Another risk is that you get used to the frustration. Unneeded stress reduces the joy in your life. The dangly sort of relationship you are managing with this guy may draw you into bad habits that will make some future relationship more difficult than it needs to be.
And, of course with a casual relationship, you can’t count the extended risks of numbers of surprise indirect sexual contacts, even at the kissing level. We all take chances, but some seem less fulfilling for the risk. Give him the number to a good motel, on the other side of town. And be busy during his trip. It sure sounds like it is time to move on – some puzzles aren’t worth solving.
i bet if/when he calls you, and if you see him (especially if it’s you who goes to see him rather than the other way around), he’ll… go right back into the you-calling-him deal in a millisecond. don’t allow him do that to you! because you are better than that.
Brad,
Thank you for your comment. I have no intention to respond to him, to let him suck me back in, he will not have a chance to use me again or try to keep me as a Fallback girl.
He “disappeared” on me so many times, sometimes with a BS excuse but most of the time
no explanation, just disappeared.
I guess now I “disappeared”, maybe now he will know what it feels like. Wait, no, he doesn’t, because it is all about him. My door is closed for good.
Question, I wonder if these men don’t even like
women, they go with you because that is what a man is suppose to do, maybe they are gay and live a double life.
Brad, I am not sure what you are saying, I should be polite and direct should he make contact???
He is like a onion, there are so many layers, so many issues.
He is an alcoholic, control freak and manipulator. My daughter, a teenager, called him a Psycho and she has only seen him twice.
He has 2 children from his marriage, he is not looking to have more kids.
Astelle, taking a rigid view – “no intention to respond to him” – might work for some, but seems to me to invite .. failure. Sort of like chastity, if he manages to make contact – bump into you in a store, say, or call on a phone without caller ID – you failed your intention of no contact. Similar to why diets often fail, you are on a diet or you fell off the diet, there is little in between. Looking at available food and deciding that your goal is a taste, and not a whole portion, and letting that taste be enjoyable – and leave the rest. You change your view of food, of how you decide which to eat, and how much – and you have much less need for a diet.
If you practice thinking of the guy as a citizen, as a store clerk, as someone you have been introduced to, someone with some abrasive manners that you don’t consider an appropriate companion, then he won’t be able to ‘contact’ you in any meaningful way. You don’t get intimate with the person bagging your groceries (at least, not every time .. I hope!), so you already know how to deal with this guy. I am sure you have talked with an appliance salesman, a car salesman, a pushy cosmetic salesperson – so you also know how to avoid letting their plans for you overcome your good sense. You would be direct, as polite as you can be, and understand that you are responsible for your needs, which this guy wants to use for his own purposes.
Imagine the guy has a lime green jacket, or a really elegant car. Some object that made you feel yourself to be a better person, just to be near that object. Something he had that gave you joy. And he lost that object in a card game. (The object in this case was your respect and affection for him, and he just threw it away.) Now he is just a guy, with nothing to offer you.
As for whether men like this don’t like women, why bring sex into the discussion. Surely you are more, as a person, than your capacity to share sexual pleasures. Surely there is room for him to have needs, priorities, and weaknesses beyond the bedroom, that would cause him to neglect the part of his life that a relationship would occupy.
Why not ask whether he wants a relationship? The tired, trite story about why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free doesn’t really have a pat and true answer. Many people, male and female, live their lives in a dating lifestyle, moving from one sequence of sexual encounters to the next, with no thought for the future nor intent to form a family.
You buy the cow, because you treasure the cow.
Only, not everyone seems to recognize what a relationship, a family, brings to a person. Like your guy. There are many euphemisms for wanting a family – “I hear my biological clock ticking”, “Don’t you love me?”, “I long to hear the pitter patter of little feed,” “I want some grandchildren before I die,” “You’ll never be lonely any more.” Wait, that last one sounds like a song.. The point is, we form families, to form families. Not to have sex. Your guy turns out not to be a family guy, and you are finding you need a family guy in your life now. I doubt there is a question about his sexual orientation.
Astelle,
No contact means that you don’t contact him. You build yourself a life that excludes him.
If he does try to contact you, talk to you – I suggest that you acknowledge that you know who he is, be polite and formal. If the person that bagged your most recent bag of groceries wanted to talk about intimate thing, you would recognize right away, “Hey, that is *rude* and inappropriate.” You wouldn’t be interested in history, what the person thought of your last trip to the store – not only do you not care, you don’t want to encourage the person to be impolite.
Same with your guy. No matter how many layers there are, think of Shrek!. Ogres have layers. Parfaits have layers, but only Donkey cares ..
You can (should) choose to put the onion back, without counting layers or rubbing off the dirt. You just switched from stew to filet mignon – and you “don’t need no stinkin’ onions.”
Astelle,
This is what you said “My daughter, a teenager, called him a Psycho and she has only seen him twice.”
Darl, do you think your daughter could be onto something? Because i think that out of you two she is definately the more sensible one in this situation.
I know that because you attracted to this guy that its really hard to see whats going on and how he is treating you.
Thats why you really need to take a step back and see it from the most objective view.
Since that is really hard when you are involved with a man like this .. this is the time when you have to listen to your family and your friends. As they are the only ones that can give you an objective view!
They are your blessings in disguise. Because it is your friends and family that care about you and want to see you happy.
Not this random guy who’s divorced with two kids. Seems like he is still trying to deal with his own issues with his first marriage. But its important to remember that HE is the one that needs fixing and NOT YOU.
Astelle .. i want you to make me a promise. A promise telling me that from this day forward you are not going to have to settle for any less than you deserve.
Its time to accept that you deserve a loving happy and fulfilling relationship .. with a man who is more than willing to give his whole heart to you.
Hot Alpha Female
Great feedback all.
Hot Alpha Female,
Teenagers and kids pick up on adults very quick. My friends husband, he met him for 10 minutes back in 2004 and told me” He is hiding something.”
You see, a man can read another man, probably the reason he weaseld out when it was time to meet my friends!
Never figured out what he could be hiding, I thought maybe the drinking. I have not heard from him, but I was the one that used to make contact most of the time.
I cut the contact back in September for my own good, he may not know yet I won’t ever make contact again, like NML said, more time than ever would have to go by
me not making contact. I promised everybody not to ever see him again and I will stick to it, they are afraid for me – not because he is an EUM, because he is an
Alcoholic, now with the tinted glasses off, I can’t say he drinks too much, he is an Alcoholic.The Psycho part, I can’t really feel it not sure what my daughter picks up on him.
She can’t explain when I ask, all she says is:”Mom, I can’t explain it but I know something isong in his head!”
I won’t settle anymore, hopefully in 2008 I will meet a good guy.
Sorry, meant to say wrong in his head.
Astelle,
Perhaps your daughter confuses ‘psycho’, which we usually associate with violence and scary actions, with ‘insane’, which is a failure to understand reality, right and wrong, etc.
The reason I say that, is I find alcoholics to be incapable of telling the truth. I don’t get the sense that they lie for a purpose – deceit is so habitual, they seldom tell the truth.
So your daughter could be picking up on his problem telling right from wrong, telling truth or lies, and maybe not using the more accurate ‘insane’. Or maybe ‘deranged’.
And, yes, I did marry one. I got off relatively lucky.
I was reading the comments and I feel that my FWB was with a EUM. He displays a lot of the tell tale signs written here. Mainly the one that says he vanishes for weeks sometimes months at a time and then reappears. I recently had to end my involvement with this man because I couldn’t take it anymore. Said all kinds of nasty things to him (maybe he deserved them and maybe he didn’t). After reading these posts I feel that even though I did this and want no more to do with this man something tells me one day he will try to contact me. What brings these people back even if you have cursed them out? P.S. I haven’t heard anything from him since I did all this. It’s been 3 wks does this mean he won’t try to come back that maybe he got the message of leave me alone.
Hi Debbie, I have cursed out my EUM many, many times. He always came back apoligizing and I think the reason wass that he knews he was wrong. I used to secretly want him to come back, now I realize how destructive this all has been. Last week I nicely told him I couldn’t see him anymore and I haven’t heard from him since. I have a feeling that when the ending is very dramatic it leaves one party feeling like maybe things can be fixed with an apology, whereas the way I did it this time was more rational and not in the heat of the moment. I think there is a better chance the breakup will stick this time. I hope that you do move on and when and if your EUM comes back you can tell him its too late!
Hi Astelle,
It is great that your teenage daughter is looking out for you! Children are very intuitive and they always pick up on adults who can’t look them straight in the eye. That ‘feeling’ about someone who doesn’t seem quite right is usually spot on.
Take some time to pamper yourself and make some positive affirmations about the man you are looking for.
I wish you all the very best now and in the future.
Hi Karen, I just read what you had written and my reason for blasting him out was that i found out that there was another women involved. i can deal with a lot of things including the disappearing acts but other people while you are with me. No way No how. I don’t know if he will ever contact me again but I do know that this other women won’t treat him like i did and he lost a good friend behing all of this. One day he might realize and then like you said it will too late.
Ooh, Cheekie is so right on this: “Maybe the reason for us letting these types of people into our lives is something greater. A lesson we need to learn. Not necessarily that there are assclowns out there, but how to have more respect for ourselves. It doesn’t even matter about them anymore.”
Oh yeah, I needed to hear that tonight because I’m sitting here near tears wondering why this jerk won’t talk to me. It’s not about him, it’s about me letting someone who isn’t even IN MY LIFE continue to upset me. God, I feel so pathetic when I look at myself. Crying, weeping, hoping he might maybe one day honor me with a stupid IM.
Not about him at all.
I accidentally found the e-mail address of a guy I had a crush on in high school years ago. I contacted him just to say hello and he found out he was divorced twice. He started to regularly contact me with e-mail and phone calls, so after a few weeks of him egging to meet me, I decided to see him. The date went well and all my old feelings about him came back. I was very excited when he promised he would continue to call and e-mail me and we would get together again soon.
A few days after the first date, he e-mailed me that he would call me in a few days and make plans to go out. He also told me to call him anytime. I figured he was giving me the green light to keep contacting him and he was interested, so I sent him a few e-mails telling him
what I had been doing lately. I can’t say I was surprised when the call he promised never materialized and he sent me an e-mail stating he was too busy to e-mail or call me for business reasons! I told him I understood and he could contact me whenever and I always wish him good luck and happiness. This happened two months ago and there has been no contact between us since. My cousin thinks I should wait
a little longer and contact him, and I said no way.
Reading this article about narcissism and the comments here made me understand what I was dealing with, and I am so happy and proud of myself that I didn’t continue to contact him when he cut off communications with me!
My friends think since two wives dumped him, he’s probably not good in relationships anyway.
I remember back in high school the girls used to say he was very immature and never grew up and now I can understand why.
I little part of me will always love him to death,
but I’m glad I was smart enough to keep myself out of additional heartache with him (my crush on him lasted six years back then) by pursuing him now and getting rejected. He sent me a nice photo of him via e-mail, I can look at it and cherish the memories of special feelings for him and that’s enough for me!
while reading all the comments, God, i feel i am reading about myself…..im amazed at how come so many women feel and go thru the same roller coasters of emotions and turmoil in all parts of the world….how come all of us feel the same way, go thru the same emotions, deal with the same kind of jerks and wow, how is it possible tht there r so many men also the same “Ass Clowns” in all parts of the world! ??????
Astelle,
Holy crap. I swear we could have been dating the same guy. I told him what I needed (just phone calls, no jewlery). The last straw was when he stood up our phone date – the only contact I asked him for ONCE a week. Why didn’t I think I deserved better? – working on that! I broke up with him a week later by phone (he lived over an hour away and never had time for me – but sure had time for the kids and his ex). Be done. Be thankful every day that he is now giving you the one thing you need – space to take care of yourself. Don’t get sucked back in, don’t see him. It won’t ever get better and there’s no point. It just means starting over your own healing – and hating yourself more the next time. Figure out what the red flags are with him, and find someone worthy of all that you give to a relationship.
Samantha, you deserve more than that!! Are you still in contact with him? If so, cut him off, it is all BS. When you broke up with him over the phone, I am guessing he was “fine” with that?
All the lies, so much to do…?
He is not giving ME space to take care of myself, I am not the one he cared about, it was all about him, unless he gets desperate… bla, bla bla…
No, he can’t suck me in anymore, I learned so much over the last few months and I am not going “there” anymore. I don’t want you to go there anymore either, just ignore him and you will feel better about yourself, give it time.
Have you read NML’s book yet? If not, you really should. You will find a lot of answers and recognize” OMG, I did all that!! She is talking about me!! 🙂
Have to also admit that my teenage daughter also read part of it and told me: Mom, I told you something is wrong in his head. 🙂
Astelle: Learn about codependence, and how you are enabling his dysfunctional life. The No Contact Rule is not a goal, it is a beginning. This is the time to find yourself, brace up the weak spots, and find yourself a new path through life. Cherish fond memories, accept he has passed from your
you was right Astelle,couse these men id going to keep doing this merry go round,thats why they dont ring ,we let them ,we woman have to stop these guys.i done one mistake ,this is it,i will never ever get involve with a m,m again .wath pain i went ,this is my first pain i got in my life ,its hard ,but we must be strong ,or we keep getting hurt ,we must live this baggage behind us,and walk away ,we are better than this ,wish all m,m stay where they are ,not find good woman ,and baugger our liife ,,,,i will be strong , there is better life than this pain ,if was good we dont hurt ,so ladys who ever is with married men ,lets then go couse it will cost you ,plsssssssssssssssss
Very true, thank you for your post, but my guy as not married.
Been dealing with my EUM for 2 years and it finally blew up yesterday. Sadly, I was the fallback girl being lied to CONSTANTLY about the girlfriend ( which she couldn’t be in my mind because he told me he didn’t have a girlfriend) Well, I’ve gone spastic crazy with my inner voice yelling at me to snap out of it. I have texted everything he’s ever said to me after I’ve been sh*t on by him, since he feels like i’ve treated him as such. You know ” I think you’re a wonderful person” ” if you ever need anything you can always call me” ” I still consider you my friend” The list of trite, get me out of the doghouse comments could go on and on. Naturally, HE feels like I have violated him so much that I have gotten NO response in return. He even hung up on me! I am in the most pitiful state I’ve ever been in and I’m 42 (He’s 50) The long and skinny of it is this… I returned a carpet cleaner to his house instead of meeting him at the Meijer to “just give it to him.” I refused and was accused of starting stuff. Blah, Blah,Blah. I am soooooo tired and scared. I’m tired of letting him back in even when I see clearly that he doessn’t give a rats a$$ about me. Scared that at my age, not too much is out there. I’ve done the online thing and felt like it was a meat market of sorts. My friends keep telling me how dynamic and attractive I am and he doesn’t deserve me. But the 42 year old me doesn’t believe it anymore like the 24 yr old did. I am going to claim HIS unresponsiveness as the beginning of MY no contact journey. Words of encouragement anyone, please?
TIachelle, please don’t contact this man ever again. I have a question, what do you mean by that you are tired of letting him back in? He is not trying to get back in, he hung up the phone on you and got mad when you returned the carpet cleaner to his house, right?
Can you give a little bit more detail about your situation, like who kept up the contact over the 2 years and so on. Were you chasing him?
No contact will give you the distance you need to see him for what he really is. You will feel better, give it time.
Astelle,
Thanks for the post. What I mean by I keep letting him back in is that I continue to let my guard down and agree to see him against my better judgement-we’ve had blow ups on numerous occassions and he would always contact me, and I’d play nice and gracious me and give an ear to his lies. I met him through”friends” and during the first few months, he met someone else and failed to let me know he was not as serious about me as he had started out- he did, but i chose to ignore the signs and started with the “we need to talk” routines and slipped into the fallback status. It was a terrible situation in that a mutual friend of mine and the new girl, informed me of their relationship. Anyway, over the past two years, I’ve attempted to call it quits and HE continued to contact me, and I felt flattered by it in some twisted way. The current issue is that the new girl was at his house when I dropped the cleaner off on the front step. He was quite upset and accused me of playing games…I’m tired Astelle.
oh, did I mention I’m hurt too?
I have a question for Brad – Do you think it is possible for these men to ever find a woman that they want to settle down with and value?
Or will they always be this way?
Ok, my EUM has been contacting me via email. I have decided to go NO CONTACT (it is for the best) I don’t email him, he keeps emailing asking where I am, i stupidly reply (yes defeats purpose of No Contact), surprise surprise, he doesnt respond!? WTF!? So he chases, i ignore, i email, he ignores!? Game playing or just plain immature and time to grow the hell up!? This is is EU and living with long term partner! He is a lost cause and i need to focus on me.
Lost&found xx
Lost,
You know his pattern. Why respond????
I am a pathetic case of sheer weakness, and require validation that i matter. If everyone of us successfully completed the part in life where you pick yourself up, brush yourself down and move on, we wouldnt be on this site – I realise that I shouldnt have responded, but retrospect is a wonderful thing, just not that wonderful when you realise too late! I am healing slowly! l&fx
lostandfound:
I understand why you may feel that way (that you are weak) but don’t continue to beat yourself up. As I have stated before— to me — this is a process. I take all of NML’s advice and posts and try to make a little progress every day and if you fall off the wagon– just get back up again as many times as it takes because eventually you will get it and you will get tired of it. I think every one reaches this point in their own time. I know i for one have a high tolerance for A**clown behaviour. I give many chances, always give people the benefit of the doubt, always try to be understanding etc…etc..etc… but what I have learned from being on here is that while these are very nice qualities to have– I have had to learn to create better boundries against those who don’t know how to appreciate them. And I have learned that I have to be a little tougher– for my own sake and well being. And that overall I have to learn to LOVE MYSELF better!!! Fear of being labeled a Bi**h or that Im not nice or that I wasnt understanding enough is what sometimes kept me from asserting myself a little better. Those are the things that I know I have to work on ON ME. I think you know what you need to do and what you want to do… (which is forget about this guy) its just taking you a little time to get there. I get frustrated too that I just want to reach that point where I just dont really care either way (indifference) but I try to remind myself that it is a process. Some may get there sooner than I and perhaps can’t understand why I was willing to withstand so much but the important thing is that we are on the right track. Change doesn’t happen over night. Some of our own PATTERNS have been with us for soo long and coming here to this site is just the first step in recognizing that we need to make a change within ourselves. For the moment– I too think that I require validation that I matter and I know my biggest challenge at this time is learning that I DONT! But it is hard because for the longest time (im in my early 30’s) I have seeked it outside myself. I know I can be hard headed sometimes…but I also know deep down that NML is right (did you read her new post on this by the way??– You should check it out– its all about seeking Validation from the A**clown! LOL) but i wont lie that it is hard to have to learn to seek that validation from myself alone and not require it from him or anyone else for that matter!! But like I said– atleast we are on the right path so stay strong and keep moving towards healing!!! You will get there!!! 😉
I am reading this in an effort to get past my EUM with whom I broke up last Friday night. When I read Brad K’s comment:
“Astelle, if he does contact you, treat him as if he were an aggressive Amway salesman….”
It gave me good giggle and made me look at EUM in a different light because, while he doesn’t know I know, he IS a Quixtar/Amway distributor via an online website! He’s not aggressive about it – at least he wasn’t to me, but I think that’s because we are of different socio-economic levels and I am better educated, so I think he was a bit embarassed!
Judy,
I have heard a lot of talk about your education and socio-economic statis in relation to his in your posts. If this is another way to move beyond this guy, great but I don’t know if you’re recognizing how badly he treated you? My concern is that w/o proper recognition you will move on to a similar relationship with someone else.
Believe me, I see how badly he treated me. I have a HUGE list of things that I am relying on to keep me grounded. I am hurting today and desperately fighting the urge to contact him. I know I can’t.
Judy,
You’re right! You can’t!!
Remember there is nothing to gain except more misery from someone who never appreciated you or accepted you completely into their life.
Honey, I’ve been there. The most satisfying thing for me has been to ignore him and move on, this guy is screwed up and I have no desire to play such an insignificant role in his life. He’s not worth it!!! Not good enough for me!
Judy,
One more thing. Ask yourself what did you truly get from this “relationship?’ For me, when I reflect back at what he contributed (excuses,drama, excuses, indecision, excuses, deceit and lastly excuses) I am absolutely exhausted. I don’t deserve this nonsense, nor does anyone else.
I can’t help this man he has to do it on his own but the one thing I can do for myself is move on and love myself enough to never settle for a substandard relationship ever again!
I’ve been having lots of bumps lately and dont know how to stop the spinning in my head.
‘m on day 30 of NC. It’s been really difficult lately b/c we work at the same place. To make it even more fun, I am forced to work in his area b/c his boss is out on leave. He is there. I hear him and see him and it makes me feel like crap.
I have my journal and I write furiously in it every day at lunch. I go to bed going over “it” and wake up to it. I am having dreams about him that wake me up at night and then I cant go back to sleep. I feel like I am in drug withdrawal. I feel like I am out of control on the inside. Does anyone else feel like this? How do you get a hold of yourself? To be honest, I am sick of thinking about it all the time
I wont contact him but lately it’s been a struggle not to almost WILL him to contact me. I hate this. I knew this would be hard, but I feel a bit insane.
Does anyone have suggestions on how to get over this particular period? ugh.
Any chance you could take some time off from work? Is it possible to listen to music while you work with headphones, at least you wouldn’t have to hear him. You sound like you are doing positive things to process all this, I wish you the best. ts.
Annied,
I realize the journal is a wonderful outlet for your feelings but instead of writing about him at lunch time, perhaps you could have lunch with one of your colleagues, or be doing something where the focus is off of him? I know that it is extremely difficult when you work together but it would be nice if you could do other things to distract your thoughts from this man.
annied:
I definetely go through the same feelings (I work with my xEUM as well– I broke it off with him about 2months ago) Its still hard and I catch myself thinking about him as well. I just try to keep reminding myself that he is no good for me and that I deserve better. I keep this site open on my computer all day and just read through the articles to keep me strong. It is hard and it does feel like withdrawal but what I have learned is that we are not really missing who they are— but who we thought they were. You have to try to see through everything to the person who he really is (how he treated you– what he did and didnt do etc…etc…) and tell yourself that you do deserve better. My xEUM cheated on me and lied to me many times for example. I spent 2 years with him and I was for what I thought– in love with him. But he hardly recipricated, he cheated, he lied and when I tried to talk to him about my feelings– nothing was ever done. It hurt like hell to have to let him go. Writing and venting are good– I do that as well. It is easier said than done to try and NOT THINK OF HIM especially when he is in your face every day! Little by little with time– it does get better and the feelings do diminish. Keep reading about the source of why we would want to be with men who have been less than good to us– that is the question we need to keep asking ourselves. I just felt this way again today– and like you I just want to get rid of the feeling all together. Yes he is a GREAT looking guy and when I see him I still get butterflies but then I say: Ok– if i go back to him or find a way for him to come in through the door again that would mean that I would be saying “Its ok for you to cheat on me, lie to me and not give me anything in return” And I just don’t think thats fair nor is it what I want out of a relationship!!! WE deserve much better than that but only WE CAN be the one’s to make the choice to not choose to be with men who only give us crumbs!!!!!!
Stay STRONG!!! 30 days is great…….. if you back track now it would be like starting all over!!! Dont put yourself back there!
PS: Glad that im not alone in feeling this way either! 😉
~HUGS~
ts, gaynor and karen – thanks for responding. i read in a book recently that i need to “disentangle my ego from his feelings and actions” or lack of them, maybe. I know this is a vital step for me. Right now I feel wounded, I guess. I dont feel that gaping hole that I used to feel when he left. It isnt the loss of him that hurts now, it is something else and i can’t put my finger on it. Maybe i’m just wondering when was the last time i was truly happy? i dont remember. it definitely was not while i was with him. he is so not good for me. i think i’m just lonely. i dread tomorrow as i am sure most of us on this site do as well. But I will tell you this – i love you guys and even though you dont know me, i know you love me too. Isnt that a valentines for us all?
Annied,
I feel the same. Valentine’s is also about family and friends, therefore I wish a Happy Valentine’s to all!!!!
Has anyone heard of Mimi Tanner? She writes eBooks on dating for women. I have never gotten any of her books but she does have a free daily email that she sends out related to all kinds of topics for women and dating, how to spot a creep, how a decent man treats a women, how to handle “assclown” men. Just a very good daily reminder of self empowerment for women. I found her articles useful.
Moxie—probably no point in giving advice a year later but I am sure when you went to meet him, or if it led up to that again there was more drama. He was playing with you—he wasn’t doing like he was suppost to call, contact, etc… didn’t apologize… then sees you on a dating site, says he has feelings because it was probably the competition that set him off meanwhile everything was still shallow—and ignores what you say about meeting for a drink because you are throwing the cake right in his mouth… and now he is setting things on his terms AGAIN
Is it possible that this man does care and knows the hurt he has put me through and this is why he will not contact me? In fact all he does when he sees me is stare.
Poet,
can you give more details to your story?
Poet, I would like to believe that is the reason my EUM has not contacted me, but am strong enough to admit the truth. When we broke things off, he said he wanted to “stay in touch” and I told him that I would do the “just friends thing.” He has honored that. Why? Several options, none of which have anything to do with compassion or care or concern about the hurt he has caused me. Because getting in touch with me would make HIM feel bad because 1) He knows from what I said that I am NOT going to be another member of his harem sitting there wishing and hoping he will deign me with some of his attention. then he would be told NO by me. He knows from what I said that I am NOT going to be another member of his harem sitting there wishing and hoping he will deign me with some of his attention. 4) He doesn’t need to because his harem gives him all the attention he needs and 2) He might be reminded that of the schmuck that he is and how poorly he treated me while staying away allows him to believe he’s a good guy. If I write her out of my life, I can go on believing I’m a catch and just haven’t met the right one, yet.
It’s sad how I always tell my family and friends that the next time he calls me, I am not going to respond… I catch myself looking at my phone sometimes to see if he called when I stepped away from my cell phone… When he does call me, I say to my self “i’m not going to respond”… Then my mind starts to play tricks on me. I start to think “maybe he does love me,” “maybe he will come back to bm even though he lives with some other woman now (in which he’s told me millions of times that he doesn’t love her). “since I know his pattern of me getting rejected everytime I still seem to respond and thinking “maybe I can handle being his friend this time”, I know what he’s about, I can handle my feelings and be his friend”. So, I end up responding, we talk back and forth for a little while, then he dissapears and guess what… “I get hurt again…” I text him like crazy… first I’m nice to him, then I start to cuz at him… then I just say ” o.k. you don’t want to talk to me anymore, fine Goodbye!”… This goes around and around, over and over again… Then he will text me a week later saying “I love you!”… What’s really sad about all of this is that I swear that I’m not going to respond. I feel that way today… If he calls or text’s me, I’m not going to answer or reply to his text… I swear I won’t… I really honestly feel that way right now… Let’s see what I do when I hear from him again. The funny thing is then I start to think “is he going to call me ever again”… why should I even care “right!”… I wonder if he is going to call me or text me just so I won’t reply or answer… Now that’s crazy… His own mom tells me to not let my life pass me by waiting for her son… Now, her son is angry with me cuz I told his mom that he won’t leave me alone… I won’t contact him but when he does contact me, I respond… I know that he is not the right person for me and my family and friends always tell me that I will get tired… I feel like I play his game to win his heart back but it’s been a year now and we are still doing he same thing in our relationship which is absolutely nothing… I am tired of this game but yet I think about him several times a day… I know that I will not call him or text him but what am I going to do when he decides to contact me… If I am lucky, he’s finally decided to leave me alone…
Hey Mellow,
To quote you: “If I am lucky, he’s finally decided to leave me alone…”
You can make that your choice as well. I think NML has some very good posts about ending things when he can or will not. You can take the control and power yourself.
I am sorry things are so out of control for you now, I must say I am a bit intrigued by your post name of “Mellow”, your situation sounds anything but to me.
Take care, take a step back and regain control of your own life apart from this man who is not giving you any reason to be mellow at all.
ts.
As soon as I start to not think about him as much, he seems to contact me by text or phone… The good thing about me is that he doesn’t get in the way of my everyday living… I get up and go to work, excercise, takecare of my son, go to family gatherings and I do enjoy myself… He just confuses me when he calls or text’s me cuz he would say that he loves me and wait for him… It’s been a year now and it’s this cycle… I finally told him that if he doesn’t leave me alone, I will call his mom and tell her what he is telling me that he still loves me and to wait for him. He kept bothering me so I called his mom and told her and I haven’t heard from him since… He brings his new girlfriend to his mom’s and everyone knows they are together now so why call me… I was nothing but good to him and he just dropped me… but yet he wanted me to be there for him… I still think about him alot but I hope that he doesn’t call or text me cuz I am tired… I know that it’s my choice also to leave him alone, that’s the problem, I think that maybe if I continue to talk to him we will get back together. Like I said “it’s been a year now” I am tired… I hope with Spring coming up that I will meet a new friend and just enjoy life and get this guy out of my head… I’ve known his mom for 27 years and she is really ill. I want to call her to see how she is doing from time to time but then I don’t it’s a good idea… Am I suppose to shut myself out of his whole family… I can’t figure that one out. I haven’t called his mom since the last time (a week ago) but I do love and care for her very much… I just don’t want any strings with this guy and I don’t know if calling his mom is one of them… Could someone give me some advise on this… Thank you for your response ts…
Mellow,
He calls you b/c he likes the ego stroke. Period!!! If he wanted to be with you he would, not with someone else.
If you want to end the drama with the calls and texting then change your number. Simple. I would also tell any mutual friends not to give out the new info.
I don’t see why you can’t stay close with his mother. I would advise her of the situation and ask her to please not give out any information re. you or your life.
Mellow,
One more question. What does he want you to wait for? Does he want you to wait until he tires of his current love? I don’t understand, it’s silly???
Yes, very silly and crazy… I asked him that question once before and he didn’t answer me. I think that he just tells me things that I want to hear so he can continue to have me care for him… and when his new girlfriend get’s tired of him or he get’s tired of her, he can come back to me… There are times when he talks to me like he’s coming back and I say or do something to push him away cuz I do love him but I don’t trust him anymore and I can’t live that way… I just don’t know if I am suppose to leave his mom alone also… I really do care for her…
I was involved with a man two years ago and had another encounter with him a couple of months ago. But I have made up my mind to work hard at moving on. What really upset me is that he caught my at a low point my daughter who is disabled was undergoing some serious surgery and at the same point my mother ending up going into a home so I had a lot of emotional issues. This man used men, and when he was finished spat me out and moved on. It hurts as I know the journey my daughter has and sometimes I think is this man out there happy and I know this sounds horrible but I hope he is miserable and I hope one day he gets what he deserves as people like this contribute nothing into this life apart from pain
Hey I have read all your posts and find them really helpful. I have blogged on a couple other subjects, but wanted to see if you all could provide some imput into my situation.
I am devstated. My EUM is married and pursued me for 4 years. The first 2 years, I resisted, as I am married, and didn’t want to be unfaithful to my husband. I told EUM to work it out with his wife. He still relentlessly pursued, he stopped talking to me for 2 years, then started pursuing again, saying that he has loved me for 4 years, etc. Well this time, I fell, hard. I could no longer resist what my heart was telling me. EUM never had time for me, only texted me, never called, rarely saw me in person, cancelled plans at the last minute, was disrespectful to me, never cared about my feelings, cursed at me, and never wanted me to speak or share my feelings and opinions. We had a rocky relationship for 7 months. Our last fight was because he said I had no say in his life decisions and that I could be mad if I wanted to, he didn’t care. Well I told him that I deserved respect, and that he obviously wasn’t planning a future with me like he said he was, if he didn’t want to discuss decisions that would affect both of us. This assclown had the habit of ignoring me, doing the silent treatment, cutting me off, when he didn’t like something. So, he once again cut me off and wouldn’t respond to my texts. I needed to know how he felt one way or the other, so since he lives two doors down in my neighborhood, I walked down there. He told me he had too much “sh*t” going on to deal with me right now. I turned around and walked away and never looked back. He did try to text me later that day in January to say that it was “him, not me” and that he knew I cared about him, he just couldn’t talk right now”. Well he had no problem “talking” to the other woman across the street, whom he is still involved with. He did one other text attempt a couple weeks later after I had a major accident and hurt my back and couldn’t walk for a week, he said “heard you were hurt, wishing you well, hope you are ok”. 4 days after my accident. Neither of the two texts indicated that he loved me, missed me, or still wanted me, so I didn’t respond to either of them. I haven’t heard from him since and feel so horrible. My soul was shattered. I love him deeply. I feel so unworthy and rejected. He is still cavorting with the OW across the street right in front of me. He hasn’t even tried to get hold of me. I feel so low. Why hasn’t he contacted me? I can’t get over the fact that he doesn’t miss me? He cut me off cold turkey from one day to the next. No remorse, nothing. I feel like he “got control” and decided the rest of my life for me. I want the control back. It has been 4 months. It is still really hard. Has anyone ever been dumped with no real explanation,no remorse? How do you recover from that? I miss him so much. He has spent more time with OW than he ever did with me over our 7 month relationship. Help! Why doesn’t he want me anymore? I am the best thing that ever happened to him. And he KNOWS it.
Miserable Love, I have noticed in your posts that you point out your EUM is married – aren’t you married?? How can you be dumped as a married woman? You have all that “drama” going on with this guy, do you ever think how your husband feels about that?? You make this all about you, don’t you? Like the “EUM” is making it all about himself.
Who is more selfish? Why don’t you leave your husband?
It seems that you are not happy in your marriage or you would divorce him? Is he your safety net? I hope he catches on to what you are doing!!
Astelle–
Right on!
Miserable Love made a mistake, one that she should have seen (or saw) coming. The EUM has always been married. I don’t care if he was just-separated when he met Miserable Love. He was STILL MARRIED. All of the red flags were there.
I feel sorry for single women who meet married men and falling for them, all the while not knowing they are married and no red flags being shown.
Not here!
Astelle–
The above post should have read: “I don’t care if he was just-separated when he started coming on, full force to Miserable Love” and the word “start” should come before the word “falling” in the third paragraph.
Miserable Love–
Why exactly is “Devastated” your “angel”? Because she appears to sympathize more with you than I do, or b/c she suffered more and/or made a worse mistake as compared to you?
You want to get help; right? Then you have to hear the truth. And the truth may sometimes sting a bit. It is not being used as a bludgeon, though.
Wake up. See how your actions impact other people.
Oh, and, BTW, how do you know that God has forgiven you? Even if you go speak to a priest/rabbi/whatever, which is what you should do if you really do seek forgiveness/salvation from God, you still won’t know that God will have forgiven you!
Frankly, you are more ego-driven than the EUM.
Get your priorities straight! You are already several months past his not speaking to you anymore. This is not love. Snap out of it! You can do it!
Astelle,
WOW, THANKS, THAT WAS REALLY HELPFUL! Obviously I had to summarize my situation, and if you had wanted more information before “passing judgement” on me, you should have asked. I have read this entire blog and everyone has been very kind and sensitive in their responses and if I recall, people were kind to YOU and your situation, and it looks like you need to be reminded that this site has commenting guidelines that you probably need to review again which includes constructive, positive discussion. I didn’t step out and share my situation to be “kicked when I am already down”. I could easily have left out important information such as that I am married and my assclown is married, but I didn’t see that as being constructive, as I would be getting advice based on false pretenses.
Things happen, and if you had read any of my other blogs on this site, you would find more information about the situation. I don’t reply to other people’s request for advice if I don’t understand it or I can’t related to it, which apparently you can’t.
If you KNEW ME, you would know that I am the least selfish person on the planet, to the point that I need to be more selfish to be a healthier person. Do you know my soul? Many of us that have been in this predicament know that you can be “dumped” as a married woman. Assclowns pursue married women, some of them “think” they love us, and some are just in it for what they can get. They prey on us. All I have ever thought about was how my husband would feel if he knew, and I have to live with the guilt on a daily basis. You are not my judge. And I don’t recall my question having anything to do with asking YOUR opinion about how my husband feels or if I am selfish, etc. If you can’t provide a positive forum for people to seek advice and express their situations, don’t respond. No, I don’t make this all about ME, this isn’t about ME. This is about getting ME back so I can contine to work on my marriage, and move on from a really bad time in my life. I actually LOVE my husband. He is a wonderful man. I was happy in my marriage, never looked for anyone else. My EUM’s family and my family have been friends for 6 years, he lives two doors down in my neighborhood. During his separation from his wife, he told me that he had feelings for me a long time, then his pursuit began, against my wishes. He relentlessly pursued me and I fought him off for 2 years, because I didn’t want to betray my husband. My husband is not a safety net. I had a rough time in my life and I am trying to make sense of it and move on. The assclown pursued me for 4 years, didn’t care about trying to wreck my life, his life, our spouses lives, or our kids lives, all to meet HIS needs. I was deceived and confused. You weren’t kind enough to ask for more information, so I am not going to give it you because I am not here to defend myself. I am here to learn what others are going through and learn from things, not to attack anyone. Do you enjoy being mean to people for no reason? Do you think saying “I hope he catches on to what you are doing” is constructive and positive to help others? Did I miss the blog where you went from embarrassed for chasing after an EUM to the judge and jury? I am not a “mean” person, and I am going to demean you and your situation, or anyone else’s. We are all here to help each other. If you are that much of a callous and bitter person, this website isn’t for you.
I can certainly sympathize with Miserable regarding the Married EUM. Not for anything but we are all on here because we all have “unhealthy” relationship habits. Whether the EUM is married, gay, abusive, has another girlfriend, has told you in words or actions that he doesnt want to be with you and you continue to pine for him. whether he lies and cheats behind your back and you still claim that “its love” etc..etc… the point is still that we are in an “unhealthy” relationship. Why pass more judgement on the one who just so happened to “FALL” for someone who is married or living with someone else?? Why should this person suffer any less than all the other above scenarios? Yes you can tell me that “WELL… You should have known better” or “you shouldnt have started something like that” but the truth is….. dating a married man and being “The Other woman” is PART of being involved in unhealthy relationships, is part of “UNAVAILABILITY” and is part of having to help ourselves realize what put us there and made us love ourselves soo little to actually accept being “The other woman” in the first place. Ofcourse if we would have “known better” these women would NOT have put themselves in these types of relationships but then they wouldn’t be on this site now would they? And why should that woman have “known better” than the one who continues to stay with the Alchoholic, or the physically abusive man, or with the one that doesnt call you back but you continue to call and text and obsess over him anyway? I can clearly look at other people’s stories and say: Gosh why didnt she know better or why doesnt she just have the courage to end it and get out? And well the answer is,,, because We dont and if we did we wouldnt be searching for answers to begin with! Not for anything– but NML has been the other woman as well… (back in the day. Go back and read her posts on this) and look at her now… she helps so many women with this site because she understands first hand what its like to be involved with these types of men!!!
So, while yes there are moral opinions that we may all have, I think the focus needs to remain on the fact that this is site where we all come to get support and to learn how to get ourselves out, learn about relationships and what we can do to not see ourselves in those types of situations ever again. One experience doesn’t make it wrong or more right than the other… they all suck, they all cause pain but most of all… they are all telling of the fact that we ALL need help in breaking these patterns and in learning to value ourselves more so that we can attract and experience a “healthy” relationship not so much with other men… but with OURSELVES! I dont think any woman who has been the “other woman” (myself included) has ever sat here and felt PROUD or justified in being so… we all have gone through feeling remorse, guilt, heartbreak, pain and most of all judged for getting ourselves into the mess to begin with…… but we all arrive at this site through different paths and different experiences…and the important thing is that we realize that we should not have put ourselves there in the first place. Not just because of the moral issues involved (or that some may feel more than others) but because how sad is it for the “Other woman” to think so little of herself to actually think that this is love or think about how low her self esteem and her relationship habits are to allow herself to be second place to anyone? The same goes for every other scenario. The underlying issue remains the same….we dont love and value ourselves enough!! Lets empower these women and embrace the fact that they have the courage to tell their story, and the courage to come to this site to gain some knowledge and the skills and tools necessary to get out of such damaging types of relationships. Change occurrs by changing ourselves first and every reason and experience that brings us to this site is valid reason enough because we are looking to better ourselves. Whether married or not, he is still “UNAVAILABLE” which is what this site is all about and it just doesnt make it more wrong or right to be here under those circumstances than any other!
Used and Astelle,
I don’t know how old you guys are and I am not here like you appear to be to make yourselves feel better by personally attacking me or other people, which is pathetic. It has obvious you all are in a different “situation” than myself or some others here, so I would just suggest you post replies to situations you have knowledge about. I have appreciated everyone’s feedback, including yours minus the personal attacks.
I can’t believe that since I am 4 months out from a broken relationship, you feel I should be ok by now and that my feelings are not love. WOW! I think you are overstepping your psychoanalysis a little bit. How many months have you been dealing with your assclown? If it is over 4 months, why are you still here? That was rude.
I absolutely made a mistake believing a married man, and yes all the flags were there. But you had “red flags” too and are in a crappy situation or wouldn’t even be on this site. I am not here to judge whose situation is “worse”. I have been reading everything I can to get through my own situation. I think it is terrible when women fall for married men and they don’t know they are married. I fell for a married man that was separated. Why are you both so hateful? Are you perfect? I thought this site was for trying to cope with what has already happened and move on? You all are going back to “well it is her own fault she shouldn’t have gotten in this situation to begin with”. Have I attacked your situation? No! I have tried to post useful, positive, and helpful information as well to everyone.
Used, I live my entire life worrying about how my actions will impact other people. How have your actions impacted other people?
And not that it is any of your business why I consider Devastate an angel, but Devastated is the only person that has been in a situation most closely to mine. If neither of you are married, or were pursued by a married man, there is no need to respond to blogs you have no experience dealing with, especially when you respond with criticism without knowing the situation. Devastated doesn’t sympathize with me more. I don’t need sympathy. I need constructive feedback to use in my daily life. We are in similar situations and can really understand where WE are coming from. I have had lots of constructive and positive feedback from other people on several of these blogs. When people read your entries, Used and Astelle, you will lose credibility, as everyone here is trying to help each other, not single out and scrutinize each other. Do you want to ruin this site and make people feel they can’t express their feelings without getting “attacked and judged” by you? It is all in the wording. I guess I want to know how you became the Judge of what is worthy of discussion and what is not? I have had lots of people reply “the truth” and I welcome it, good or bad, as it gives me different perspectives. If I wanted to be kicked while I am down, I would have emailed you directly, not come to this wonderful website.
I am not ego-driven at all, quite the opposite. If I was, I wouldn’t be on this website. And by reading Used’s last post, since she brought up religion, which I am not sure why she would start a topic on that, but it is evident you have turmoil about God and it is sad that you are unsure after you speak to a priest/rabbi, etc whether you are forgiven. You don’t need to speak to God through a priest, rabbi, etc, when you are a Christian you speak to God directly. God knows your heart and knows what is going on in our life, and he forgives you when you sincerely ask. Let’s leave it at that, as not to blow up this site with with your religious backlash as well. That is not why I am here, I came here to receive feedback, good or bad, about my situation. I welcome either of your advice, I welcome all perspectives whether I agree with them or if they “sting” or not, but if you can’t be kind and considerate in the way you express yourself, don’t bother to respond.
Used says “Right On!” If that isn’t ganging up on someone, I don’t know what is. Grow Up.
Oh and one more thing: Just because the red flags are there…doesnt mean that that automatically makes people turn away from these relationships. The sad thing about being a fallback girl or women who engage in any type of relationship that is “unhealthy” is that we lack the resources within ourselves as well as the self esteem and courage to do something about it. Spotting red flag behaviour is key but doing something about it once you do spot a red flag is another thing. Im saying this because NML does a great job at both. How to spot them but then the deeper work is what to do when you do and that only comes through empowering ourselves to think more and value ourselves more. So just because you know a man is “married” or you know he is a drug addict, doesnt necessarily mean that you wont engage in these types of relationships or that that should have been indication enough to not get involved…. the problem mainly lies in “US” and what we “Choose” to accept and allow in our lives… that is the problem! Yes the guy can be a jerk, he can be insensitive and he can be an EUM but he is just a guy— YOU/WE are the one’s that CHOOSE to engage ourselves and that is the part that we need to repair..what is it within us that allows us to put ourselves in the fire all the while thinking that you wont get burned?? Why are you focusing on what you CANT Change (other people/the guy) instead of focusing on what you do have control over…which yourself? Not– let me psycho analyze what made the guy this way…why is he so mean to me, why he wont commit to me etc…. the question is: Why do you continue to entertain the situation? Why do you continue to expend energy on this? Why do you continue to “accept” over and over again the crumbs every time thinking that it will change??? Why do you think the problem lies OUTSIDE of yourself? Becareful because part of what keeps us stuck is thinking about “THEM” and what “THEY” need to change and the whole point that NML tries to make over and over is…. it is “US” that need to change… red flags or no red flags…. its working on ourselves and doing the deep inner work that is really going to determine what you do the next time you do see a red flag. Miserable isnt the only one that made a mistake………we all have other wise……why are you on here?
We are on this site to heal. We got ourselves in situations for whatever reason and we are trying to make sense of our actions and emotions. The EUM or we are married, not married, young, old or whatever our life circumstances are…we are on this site for insight, advice, support and an attempt to settle some craziness we have experienced. Please, instead of judging someone for involvement with a MM or continuing unhealthy behavior with an EUM – let’s try and be empathetic here. Although our situations may be different – the real issue is we got into a situation, we hurt and we are trying to find out our motivations, THEIR motivations and attempting to heal and not make the same mistake again.
I continually access this site to heal from a complete disappearing act…four months later still stinging from it. Some up days…some bad days. I find myself wishing he would call to justify what we had…knowing the entire time he will not and that closure has to come from my head. NML’s articles and everyones posts have really helped me on a DAILY basis. I read the recent posts and some anger exchanged…We all know the goal is to help each other step away from ourselves and heal. Please remember the sensitivity we are all feeling…and that the written word sometimes sounds more harsh than it is intended.
feel better. We can’t do that if we feel like we are being judged.
Kimba,
I just responded to your post on another blog. As you probably read from the above posts, that is why some of us have started contacting each other by email directly. : } Some of us are in some pretty pathetic situations we aren’t proud of.
I, like you, are 4 months out of a disappearing act, and the assclown that did this to me lives two doors down on my street. I have to see him everyday, which you addressed on another blog. Your same issues have been mine, I just wish he would contact to me to “give me something” to go on, anything at this point, it would help with the closure, not that we would start seeing each other again. This site has helped me so much and I appreciate everyone’s (constructive) feedback. What stinks is that I have to endure his continuous stares and it bugs the hell of me and I am tired of trying to determine what he is thinking, so as I have been advised, I am really working on not even looking toward his house. This has been the worse time in my life.
ML – I am sure this is the most miserable time of your life. I share that sentiment. Not only are you evaluating WTF happened with him…you are also feeling guilt about your exisiting relationship and are haunted every day by his continuous stares. All the advice you get is much easier said than done…but it is important to follow through on it, regardless. The old saying ‘a good defense is a good offense’…I guess what I am saying is live your life – and he is not a part of your ‘now’ and your future…there is a reason for that. All he left you with was misery and a lesson. I am thoroughly convinced I will be better but this will be around for awhile…I am SO MUCH better than I was two months ago…I had a recent setback but getting through it.
The reality isfor both of us…HE is the one that is pathetic, HE is playing games, HE is the one that is living a shallow life…you have to dig deep and walk away from the emotional train wreck he (and you) created. I am afraid if you do not change your routine so not to see him or disappear for a few days to make yourself feel better, you will continue feeling awful until something snaps you out of. Everything NML says on this site is pretty on target…as tough as it is to take sometimes. He will not give you the satisfaction of closure because he wants to punish you. He will not give you closure because he is trying to turn this around and make it a “YOU” issue in your head (and in his crazy way of thinking…he turned it around in his head to pretend it was a shortcoming of yours)
I guess my situation is easier because it is not in my face every day…but at one point a few weeks after he disappeared, as crazy as this sounds, I considered a PI to get some REAL answers…I do not need them. The real answer is…I wish I read this site BEFORE I got involved with him. On the strong days I feel like he did me a favor…some days I am just kind of numb about the entire thing…as if it never happened…and I get through the day.
I will not post my email because it has my full name…if you would like to share yours – I will be confidentital. LUCK to you…Kimba.
Kimba,
WOW! You are so right and the funny thing is I have been going through the same exact thing. I have many issues going at the same time: what the hell happened with Assclown, and feeling so horrible about allowing any of this to happen, feeling guilty, and having to endure seeeng him every day and him staring at me. It is HORRIBLE!!!! You are right, this was a lesson, and you told me a “glitch”, and thank God that is ALL this has been, it could have wrecked my ENTIRE life, just not my LIFE.
That is exactly how I have felt that he is trying to avoid his own stupidity and is trying to “punish” me. He did it before as “cutting me off” was his way of punishing me. That is how I think he is justifying his behavior now.
The PI thing is weird, because I actually called a firm, as I was trying to determine if his text messages on his phone could be accessed. I have since stopped trying, but I was trying to find SOMETHING, some evidence that I could see, that I was better off without him. No closure is devastating. I finally made myself stop trying. I probably would have hired him if he could have gotten me what I needed.
I have good and bad days too. Mostly numb, trying to figure out how he can sleep at night, and go through the day acting like “WE” never happened. That is most difficult thing for me to understand, because I am not a callous, hateful person. It seems that you can really relate to my situation and have a good understanding, something I don’t have yet.
Do you have another site that you visit that I can get you my email address to so that I don’t have to post my email here? I would really like that.
I met this guy who expressed an interest in me, so he ask me out. The date went, fine and he kept in contact twice a day and sometimes more. I spent a whole weekend with him, and he was extremely gallant. After the first weekend together, he didn’t call like he say he would, and he didn’t even as much as answer my calls. I was so embarassed and confused, as I couldn’t understand why he was such a gentleman, and didn’t want contact with me anymore, because the weekend was fun and great. Approaching the following weekend he called a few places looking for me until he got me, his excuse was that he lost my number and he was sorry because he was busy, but he miss me and want to know if I want to hang out this weekend again. I agree. Had another wonderful time with him and after I left no contact again, I called and no answer. after 2months I send him a text and he reply saying that he miss me and he haven’t fogotten me and he can’t wait to see me again. 3weeks now and I still haven’t heard from him. My time with him was good, but he gets distance when I talk about human connections or relationships. He will just change the subject and tell me we can talk about anything but just not that. I have to say for me that was strange because I never met anyone like that. After reading this page and seeing how everything played out I feel like his interest in me was for the fringe benefits and the second time with him I was his Fallback girl and his reply to my text was to make sure I was still open for him if he want come if he so desire. But I told him in a text, that the False Hope Pattern he is playing is over. I accept the joke was on me, have a nice life.
The information on your website have empowered and enforced my view about his behaviour more. I’m happy to say he won’t be feeling good about himself on my behalf anymore.
Thank you
Susan
ML – I do not think it is right to take up the space on NML’s Site…so here is an email address you can access…
kimbabradford@gmail.com
Susan…You are so lucky this did not continue on for years…You sound really strong and I hope you stay that way!
kimba,
Thanks for the email address, I will email you. On another blog NML, said that she could get us in touch with each other, so maybe she can take your email address off here some how. Thanks for it, I will be in touch.
Susan,
I am so sorry for your situation. I know it must have been painful. You did the right thing but advising him that you aren’t doing the false hope thing. Honestly, the first thing I thoughtwhen I read your post is that he may be MARRIED. Maybe not, but that sounds like the most reasonable explanation, other than just wanting a woman available when HE wants one. Keep us posted and Good Luck.
Brad – the comedian’s name is Steve Harvey…and his book is “Think like a man…Act like a lady” It really is a good book…very funny but OH SO TRUE! I recommend it.
Okay so here’s the deal -today was day 25 of NO CONTACT with my ASSCLOWN who treated me so bad, disrespected me and pretty much made me feel like i was nothing/nobody!! i wanted him soo bad and he made it very clear to me that he did not want a relationship with me and that i would never be his gf-which in turn made me question time and time again what the hell was wrong with me that i just could not make this guy see me for the sweet nice girl that i really am and make him want to feel for me what i felt for him-after deciding that it was not only a good idea but actually very necessary for my state of mind and overall well being to let this guy go i decided the no contact rule was the best way to go actually the only way to go…
The first week was probably the hardest because i was so used to calling/texting/messaging him every single day that it felt weird not to do anything at all but as the days went by it got a little bit easier and i started to think about him less and less and even today although i did think about him i knew that there was NO WAY i would initiate any contact with him and its made me feel so strong and proud of myself BUT then today my phone rings and who happens to be calling well none other but THE assclown..i was very surprised to say the least and for a minute i thought maybe i shouldn’t bother picking up but two seconds later i did-and with that i broke the no contact rule!!:(( but at least it was him calling me and not me calling him..anyways i just answered because i was curious to see what he wanted maybe he missed me, maybe he felt like seeing me and talking about things, or trying to work something out…hahah i should of known better than that!! the reason he was calling was to ask me for “a favorâ€,,,which sounded all too familiar because last time i hadnt talked to him for a long stretch of time he called asking me for “a favorâ€..not a favor that involved seeing him or anything but just getting him some information that he needed and this time he is calling me for the same reason-so being the sweet nice girl i am i agreed to do this favor for him..but my QUESTION is this-am i making a mistake by helping out this guy who has hurt me so much?im still not completly over him but i would like for him to realize what he’s missing and show him that despite everything i am the bigger person??should i call him back and give him the info that he needs or not even bother??does no contact mean never seeing or speaking to him again?? is he actually just testing to see if the “door is still open†or just make sure that i dont forget about him???who knows but i do need some much needed advice as to what to do before i fall for what may just be a trap and go through the cycle of hurt and pain all over again -thank you!!!!!!:)))
Ria-Being the biger person with a AC is the bigest mistake you can make( No ofense,I have been there too),they just take it as a green light to be able to abuse you again.I dont think you should do him the favour,he didnt treat you well so why on earth you should be nice to him? He doesnt deserve that.Just go fuly NC with him(that means not answer his calls or texts too) and trust me,with time you will fell much better.When the AC contact us,it has nothing to do with us.It all about them,they are after a ego boost or anything else you can give them.Just think about it,after 25 days NC he bothered to ask how you were or anything about you? Probably not right? See how it is all about him? And NC can be permanent but is all up to you if it will be or not but you should keep up at least until you are over him.You still stucked on him and all that,just change the focus to you.
@ Ria – I think you already ansered the question yourself. Yes he is just testing if the door is still open and also if he can still use you for whatever you can do for him.
Did he ever do anything for you ? After 25 days you are over the worsed part, if you are in contact again in ANY way, all the hurt will start all over again.
Don’t do this favour for him, don’t answer his calls and continue NC. It will get easier by the day and one day will ask yourself what the hell did I ever see in him !!!
;-)) Stay strong and have a great day
Hi Karen, just read your post from 27th of May (yes Iam a bit behind !)
I totally and utterly agree with you. In fact you have put into words what I have been thinking about the last few weeks.
It is us, they are Assclowns, EUM and whatever, the warning signs and red flags are always there, but we choose to ignore them and get invloved anyway.
Me included, I did exactly the same. But I have done a lot of thinking, reading and analyzing why I have chosen to get involved with those men. I know now why and you bet I will recognize the red flags AND taking them very seriously.
Never again will I go where I have
@ Ria,
A word about No Contact. You said, “for a minute i thought maybe i shouldn’t bother picking up but two seconds later i did-and with that i broke the no contact rule!!”
You broke NC when your phone rang with him on the other end. You didn’t get his number blocked, or get a new number – you still knew that he called, and that is when NC was broken. Because you knew he called, most of the damage was already done, whether you ever took his call or not.
The other reason you are feeling so vulnerable – is that you are still in the relationship as much as ever. This 25 days may or may not have affected him. But you still want him to be the guy he should have been, the guy you wanted. You are still, today, waiting for him to realize what you had between you.
What is wrong with that? You can’t get over him, grieve his loss, while he is still there in your thoughts and in your heart.
When you start NC, the point is to make a conscious and deliberate choice. You decide, on your own, that regardless of what he says or does, no matter how he changes or begs, that you can no longer afford to allow him to be present in your life. That you not only want him gone – you will never accept him back. You make that choice. You decide, for your own good, that you will treasure and learn what you can from your relationship with him – as something that is over. You choose that whatever happened in the relationship with him, that it will not be the basis of any future feelings, plans, reactions, or bonds. You acknowledge that the bozo is not only someone you aren’t involved with – he is someone you now know is toxic, a known predator and user and abuser – or just someone that you have to keep away from, for your own sanity and welfare.
Remember that as long as you think of him, of his potential, of whatever you wanted to happen – he is acting as a boat anchor, continuing to drag you down to his level. While you are thinking of him, waiting for him to realize whatever, he acts as a barrier to keep healthy people away from you. You will never form a healthy relationship while he is still prominent in your thoughts.
You have to clear the debris of the past away, in order to break the cycle, to keep from going from one bad relationship to another just like it. That clearing away, that putting away the clutter and mistakes and misunderstandings and illusions of the past is where NC comes in. You enter NC by first deciding that the past is past and must no longer taint today or tomorrow. NC is not ignoring his call, NC is preventing his call from getting to your phone. NC is deciding you never, ever want to know that he tried to call, and NC is deciding that not knowing is the least evil available.
Should you do the favor? Why not? You are in a relationship with him. That is the actual, true state of your feelings. You have never said, to yourself or to him, “It is over. I never want anything to do with this bozo, ever, no matter what. I believe he will never be good for me; for my own good I have to learn to live a better life, with better self esteem, and I cannot get to where I need to go while this bozo is in my life. I quit, I hate having put off this moment for so dratted long, but the time is now. I will grieve the loss in my life of someone that has been important to me, so that he will no longer hold my heart or my behavior, or my thoughts. It doesn’t matter what he wants or needs – he is a predator, and I cannot afford to worry about anyone but myself right now.” That is the beginning of NC. That choice, that demand of yourself to free yourself not just from him, but from all the compromises and all the wrongs you overlooked.
Ria, you wonder if he is testing to see if the door is still open. Right now you dread that – because you left that door open, the welcome mat cleaned and tidied and set out with flowers and his name. The question is not, “Is he checking to see if the door is still open?” – the important question is “Why is the door still open?” Once you truly close the door, you would not care if he checked or not – you wouldn’t notice or care. NC is meant to begin “faking it ’til you make it”, provide a safe barrier and safe place for you to pretend and to practice living with the door closed to him.
And remember that you have things to do during NC, not just count days. There is a lot of healing to do, and learning from the past, and beginning to live a happier today.
Luck,
Brad K.
You are absolutely right Brad and everything you said holds so much truth i guess i still want to stay engaged in some kind of relationship with him even since beginning NC- in the back of my mind i am hoping that he will come around and tell me all those things that i want to hear the door was never really shut it was left a little bit open but i dont wanna let him in i need to keep him out in fact i need to bolt that door shut!!..the truth is my self esteem/self worth is just lacking and as much and as hard as i try to focus on self improvement my thoughts always go back to him…i know the kinds of things i can do/accomplish in my life with enough hard work, dedication and determination but if you put the same efforts into somebody to try to get something out of it(relationship, love, caring) and you get nothing how is that fair???
Hi!
First of all, I am so thankfull for this side, showing me, I am not mental and I am not the only one, who has such an assclown!
I am today on my day Number 1 of NC.
And I think this time, there will be no fallback for me.
I met this guy one year ago in London. He is an actor. We dated two times, and this was already such a big deal for him, cause he was “so much fraud with tension about things that are good”. I missed all the signs and warnings from him, Well I didn’t miss them, I ignored them, thinking I could change him, with me it could be so different. last time we met, he let his mails open on his laptop…and I checked them. Guess what!!!! The narcisisstic harem was all over there. This guy uses his little star to use all “that crazy girls” for an ego stroke. Sex he is having with all his “ex”, that of course are just friends. The only thing that let me think, he could be able to feel more, was telling me I am something, he was looking for for 30 years now. He had a german friend, when he was young, that he couldn’t forget. But he still has contact with her. She doesn’t want to see him any more, and now he is all over her of course. He is not emotionally available, because of that woman, but fighting for her, to come back together he won’t do neither. He is using her for an excuse, to not commit with anyone seriously. And he tells all those harem girls the same. He played with my heart, and I’ve let him. I need to work on my self esteem. I thought, oh an actor, who has so many actresses and models as friends, prefers me, I really must be something special. I was so stupid, Unluckily his fans and “friends” put him up as the new sexsymbol and in press he is called like this too. Not easy to forget, when you can google him so easily. Well his main communication was just texting, and it was infact never more than a booty call for him. Of course he was charming and nice too, but he blowed only hot, when he thought he could lose me. As far as I opened myslef for him again, he became very quite or even cold. Friendship…yes the friendship thing I tried to offer him, when I was desperated, and he never took that hand, instead he wrote back in booty call way. I must confess that, if he wasn’t famous, I would have kicked his ass already one year ago. So again, my self esteem is the key. Does he deserve me? Does he deserve my unconditional love, my friendship, has he shown any interest in my life or how I am doing? No. The only thing that guy wants to have, is a stroke for his ego, asking all those girls for pics. That’s all. He is an addictive. And he is a small lost sad boy. No good man. And I can’t believe, that he really has “friends”, who are playing that game with him already for so many years.
No contact with that guy. Never ever again. He is an assclown.
Jen,
“Does he deserve me?” – I think a more appropriate question has to come first – Can I afford to be with him, to give any part of my attention and time and my life to him? I think the answer is pretty clear, that you want a dependable mate, that he isn’t, and you cannot afford to waste your time with him, or allow him to color your life (making you unavailable to a *good* man).
I think he loses out long before anyone should care about what he deserves.
There is no question about what you are worth to someone else. The only question that matters to you, is whether someone is good for you, makes your life better and happier, and whether they are worth the cost to you to take them to your heart.
Brad Thanks!!!
Yes you are right. I need to learn to focus on me and not on him or any other man, And for this I have to change the way I speak,too.
The worst part on this is, to cope with that emtiness. Now with 30, I realize, that I don’t know exactly who I am. That all my life was somehow centered around a man (not only that assclown, good man too). And now, that I am saying goodbuy and left with myself, I feel a bot lost. It maked me angry, that he still lives his life, cause I don’t know exactly, what is “my thing”. I think, raise up my standards and having healthy boundaries and finding out who I am, what I want and what makes me happy, even just on my own, to feel whole on my own, will be the key to not fall ever in such a assclown trap again.
jen
hate myself that i broke NC….he wrote me I miss you miss you so much…balbalba, and I wwrote back ,that I miss him too…I hate myslef…then wrote, but still thinking, that it’s better to break up, cause if he doesnt want to date me, if he is missing me so much, somthing must be wrong….
Then explanaitions: I would love it work, thats all I can have right now (dont understand that)
then I said, ok then end it, make a decent closure with me, show me last respect.
he: stop the shit, time will tell
I said how can time tell, if ther is no development or date
he :I start new show, dont want drama, if its ment to be it will be..lovexx
and I said end it now
he goddbuy, thats what you want your welcome
I hate him, and i hate myslef, for breaking NC….he really thought i wait till he decide that he will commit, if the ither harems gilr break up with him…he relay pretended like there is any obstaclace caused by higher power, if its ment to be it will be…how stupid does he think I am….
I am so humbled now…I hate him…ask myslef if I will ever get over that shit…
sorry for my writing mistakes…written in anger….
THANK YOU NML!
@ Indra I agree 200%
For all those that haven’t quite had enough, please listen to NML’s article and take heed.
I was with a man I thought was my soul mate. We had so much fun together, shared the same commonalities and passion in life. I truly thought he was the one. BUT….he had issues…big time! I couldn’t see through it, b/c he made me feel like it was elements in my life that were the problem. NO! I didn’t have dysfunction in my life until I met him. I was educated, outgoing, strong & smart and that relationship turned me into someone I didn’t even know anymore. A walking shell!
He left me more times than I care to remember and abandoned me whenever it suited him. From a few days to several months and like a fool I waited for him, was understanding and loved him unconditionally. I Cried, called him everyday, wrote letters, emails…you name it I did it….and did he answer me back NO! When he did it was always about HIM, never giving any consideration to my feelings. He had me so twisted that I found myself apologizing for things I never said, never felt, never did just so things would be ok. He kept me there b/c of the crumbs he gave me…telling me he loved me, showing tons of affection and making our time together so perfect. Then when I felt so close to him, he’d snatch it all away and would disappear with no contact. He ran hot and cold constantly.
The roller coaster destroyed me emotionally, had me questioning myself, blaming myself and my self esteem went out the window. They condition you and know your vulnerabilities and use them against you. They tell you how hard they’re trying, when they’re really not giving you their best at all. They don’t want to show any vulnerability, so they get you to do all the sacrificing so they can stay in control. Sometimes he’d pick arguments with me for no reason, just so he could leave and keep me in my place. I did this hell for 9 yrs. I was so scared to walk into my email b/c I never knew what I was going to find. He often broke up with me through email or hurt me w/correspondence telling me how he just couldn’t do it anymore. Calling was not an option, b/c he couldn’t maintain control that way. He knew I’d be devasted and feed his ego, by telling him how much I needed him, plus he got the added benefit of me trying harder if we could work it out.
He finally left me altogether and hurt me beyond repair. 1.5 yrs w/not even a word from him. It took me over a year to even feel human again and after all that time he noted me on a site we were members of. Like a fool I needed closure wanting to hear how sorry he was and I opened it. I started the cycle all over again and before long we were talking & meeting again. He told me how sorry he was, said he’d never hurt me like that again, that he was a “changed” man etc etc. I still remember him saying I won’t do what I think is best anymore, I’m always going to do what’s right. After just 3 months of being back together, 1 day he just up and disappeared…then resurfaced and told me he felt like something was missing. He had gotten his supply from me and whatever else he needed and poof he didn’t need me anymore.
I finally had enough! These emotional unvailable men do not change. They don’t care how it ruins your life or if you end up in the psych ward, all they care about is that they get what they want from you. I do believe he loved me, but he was just too f*cked up and wanted to stay inside his bubble. The best thing I ever did for myself, was get strong enough to do NC and not deviate from it. I know he feels that eventually I’ll contact him since I developed a pattern and is just waiting, but he is WRONG! I still think about him and I wish I didn’t, but for the first time in 9yrs, I have no desire to talk to him. It’s DONE!
6 months NO CONTACT…and I feel so much better. Your mind truly does get clearer & you can handle things more rationally. You might not think you can do it, but you can 🙂 Don’t let him cut you off at the pass, steer ahead.
I have tried over and over again to get him out of my life. I started trying the No Contact rule in Sept…. I did not succeed. Finally someone said the idea of NO Contact is to do what you need to make it possible. I knew if I kept my old phone number I would not be able to not respond to his text messages or answer the phone when he called. So Oct. 29th I made the decision and had my phone number changed. It is only day 22 and to my surprise it has flown by faster than I realized. I guess each person has to decide what makes the NC rule work the best and I seem to have found my solution…. thanks for listen…
Good for you Teena! Changing your number is a big thing (something I never dared to do). I think it is proof that you are taking yourself seriously.
wow group hug everyone.
I wasn’t even involved with the guy I’m heartbroken for but I’ve managed to tell every single one of my friends the entire story over and over again. They’re sick of it and so am I, when will it end? I met him two years ago and he opened up my entire world for me in just a month. We hooked up and it was really passionate, he told me he was in an open relationship with a girl in another country and he was travelling through that same continent in a matter of a couple months. I guess I really didn’t put two and two together because I was young and naive but when he left to travel he traveled with her. did he cheat on her with me? to this day, I can’t figure it out.
Anyway, he came back a couple months ago and I’ve fallen into the tangle again. He tells me how I’m special and all these romantic things that make me feel like he’ll fall in love with me because I’ve unfortunately fallen in love with him. I dont’ want to believe that he’s a bad guy because I can’t accept the fact that something so beautiful in the world doesnt exist. He changed my entire perspective on life and made it romantic and beautiful and then in a flash its pulled away. I hate him for it and I feel like its evil but then logically that just means that he had no idea what was going on in my head, and was never at the same place i was at. otherwise, he wouldn’t hurt me like that on purpose, would he? I love him and respect him as person but why am I being played like this? half of me wants to believe that its because he’s still getting over his ex and is trying to heal, so he’s saving me the grief by saying away from him. but the other half of me feels like he just doesn’t give a shit because I feel so down and unworthy. why can’t i get my head together? I love him and i want that beautiful time back. its not fair
He doesn’t know what he wants. Also, he is selfish. Nowadays, people who are selfish like this think their behavior is excusable because their intentions are sincere when they are with you–but, in reality, when they are not with you, it’s outta sight, outta mind. You have to tell him to come back when he can make you the #1 and sole priority, but first remind him of the things he has, in fact, said to you to make you believe and feel that there is something serious. Remember, no one can argue with facts!
Hello,
I’m in the same situation, I’ve been dating this guy for 9 months now and he used to wait for my call like once per week. When I ask him to go out, he is all enthusiastic & stuff, “Sure!”, like he was expecting me to call him.
One day I didn’t call. I felt like I’m always the one who does the calling thingie, so I said “let him call me!”. Guess what: he never called. He didn’t contact me in 6 days now, and I’m biting my lips every time I think about contacting him, but I managed to mind my own business. We also live in the same city, but we both have awkward schedules, therefore our main communicating device remains the Internet & the phone. He says he’s not much of a phone person, nor likes to talk through IMs, he claims that he doesn’t know what to say, that his mind blocks et, but I once told him (~a month ago) it would be nice to hear from him more often, from time to time. He said he’ll try his best to improve the relationship, but here we are, nothing changed. I’m tired of being patient, plus, we’re adults, not teenagers, so I think a 27 year-old guy should know or at least should be able to confront me & the situation maturely. He said he never had a relationship before, which makes me think he doesn’t know how to treat a woman. But still, I think it’s a human’s instinct to care about the partner and there’s a first time for everything as well.
So yeah, tl;dr version: if he expects you to call, surprise him: DON’T CALL, see if he reacts. If he doesn’t, you should move forward. Believe me, if it’s your first time going through this, will be hard to detach from him (for me it’s the 2nd time, I’m immune now :P), but it’s best you can do. Even if he’s the hottest, the cutest, the smartest and no matter how much you want him, he’s not the only guy on Earth. If he does contact you, then his brain must’ve start functioning, you woke it up from its laziness. I’m not being hostile with men, all I’m saying is that they barely notice this kind of things.
Good luck!