Following on from my last post on regret hangovers, I wanted to share some thoughts on letting go because many people convince themselves that ‘letting go’ is something that happens passively, when actually, it’s a choice, one incidentally that you have to actively keep choosing to do. If you decide to let go on a Monday but then you have an off day on the Thursday, you have to make that choice otherwise you turn in the other direction and opt to hang on.
Letting go is deciding to be done.
Are you done? If you’re not done, why aren’t you? Don’t let your ego keep you holding on because not only can it end up feeling like you’re clinging on to barbed wire (especially if the person is toxic or your self-esteem is depleting) but you’ll end up regretting letting your ego be in the driving seat.
Letting go involves a willingness to move on as well as an acceptance that moving on is going to happen.
I’ve seen people devastated by bereavement. They know that they’re not going to move on immediately but that in time, they have to go back to work, laugh again, see friends, be frozen on the spot by suddenly being filled with memories while going about their business and they basically live as best as they can. Some days they win, and some days they’re not so successful at but they keep going. Sometimes we can feel guilty for ‘getting back to normal’ because we realise that we’ve been going through a good patch – this is when you have to be careful of reinvigorating your holding on efforts.
It’s tough, especially when you feel like there are some answers that you could do with, but when you make the decision to move on and let go, it means that you’re not looking to add anything. After a while, holding on becomes “Let me see what new pain I can find for myself”.
Now I know you may be tempted to drag last year into this year or maybe you already have… but it’s time to make a commitment to letting go. If you’re not moving on or willing to keep making the decision to let go, you’re saying “I’m not done yet” and “I’m not willing to forgive me”.
While you will experience painful feelings as you grieve the loss of your hopes for this person or situation, you’re not inviting any new pain into your life.
If you keep chasing them for attention and validation or suppressing your feelings with drink, drugs, overworking, eating etc, you’ll feel far worse than you will from the healthy releasing of emotions and thoughts.
I used to be afraid of feeling, afraid of crying, afraid of letting the thoughts in. All that energy I put into avoiding these things brought me a world of pain, much more I should point out, than if I’d had the courage and willingness to be vulnerable.
Be more willing to draw a [positive] lesson from the experience than you are to reignite conflict or pain. It’s like reopening a wound and throwing salt on it, or… revisiting your vomit.
The moment you choose to start focusing on reintegrating yourself into your life and finding a different purpose is the moment that you take back control of you instead of trying to control the uncontrollable.
Letting go is pretty difficult to do when you’re neglecting you in the present.
Nurturing you buffers you against the pain of raking over what’s already passed which yields to blame, shame, guilt and obsessing or ruminating about the future where you try to anticipate what’s next including anticipating doom or where you’re unwilling to face the future and make decisions for fear of it taking you away from your past.
Holding onto the past can be a way of avoiding responsibility for your own life. When you spend your life being angry for where others have failed you in the past and make them responsible and accountable in your mind for why you’re not being and doing X,Y,Z now, you’re absolving you of taking action and making choices. It’s like “They’ve effed up so I can’t do any better”. Actually, you can give it a damn good shot at. It’s not that these people aren’t wrong but at some point you have to question why you’re devoting your whole life to ‘making them pay’ or trying to make them change.
Letting go is a decision to stop living in the past. Come back to earth. Fast.
Don’t devote too much energy to feeling angry that they’re not thinking, feeling and acting like you are. Does it matter if he/she is “happier” or doing “better”? You’re two different people who handle things differently and may even be faced with different circumstances. If you compare how you’re each living your lives including your own values and characters, that will give you a clue into why they’re ‘bouncing back’ (they may have an emotional airbag too). It’s hard, but they don’t have to go at your pace. Some people don’t want to feel a damn thing and will throw themselves into the nearest relationship. Or bed. Or dating site. Or fantasy.
If you’re going to miss him/her, at least have the good grace to miss them for who they were and are, not who you thought they were (but weren’t), or hoped that they’d become.
Not all good things last. I learned this as a child when my mother would get upset with me because I didn’t want a great day out to end. I wanted it to last ‘forever’ and the potential disappointment would seemingly affect me and this would wind up my mother who would think I was ungrateful. Not all good things last. It would be great if they did but we have to appreciate them for what they are or were.
Disappointment is understandable but also inevitable – you don’t learn how to handle disappointment by never handling it and coming out the other side.
Clinging ain’t sexy or healthy or love. If you’re clinging, you’re not loving; you’re excessively dependent.
It’s difficult to move on when you’re at extremes – you’re either consumed by near hatred or convinced that this person is the key to your life. Don’t hold onto either of these sets of thoughts and feelings.
If you can’t forget or move past what someone has done, this is OK but you can’t hang around them and attempt to make him/her not forget and move on either. Yeah some people don’t even want to spend so much as a hot minute contemplating what they’ve done and experiencing and expressing genuine remorse, but we can’t hold people hostage until we feel ready to move on.
And don’t hold on to a bullshitter or a bullshit situation because bullshit begets more bullshit, something that you don’t need in your life. If they’re lying, deceiving, manipulating, chopping, mind effing, tap-dancing all over your boundaries and taking advantage of and abusing you, let go and flush as many times as needed.
Your thoughts?
Have a great weekend, x
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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NC is definitely working for me. I did this with my ex-husband, who was an alcoholic and probably addicted to sex. He went ballistic because I wouldn’t return texts or calls, but would only communicate with him by email ccd to my lawyer. He still heaped abuse for awhile, but eventually, he figured out that it would not look good for him if these documents turned up in court. After we divorced, he still tried to contact me periodically, but because ignoring him made me feel so much better I stuck with it.
I broke up with a future-faker about 2 months ago and NC is the only way to go. I had to block him after he contacted me twice more after I asked him to stop. But I think having to “slam” the virtual door in such a fashion actually helped me to heal a little faster. It’s like Nat says, doing the right thing may feel rotten at first, but when you are doing right for your own sake, ultimately it builds up self-esteem because you are showing yourself love. I think it’s actually causing me to feel even better about myself to know that I wasn’t going to tolerate being knocked down a peg by someone who didn’t feel good about himself. While I do miss the company, I don’t miss the feeling “less than” because of his cold spells. I don’t miss feeling like my attractiveness must be flagging; I don’t miss feeling confused, mystified, worried and pissed off. Nothing to worry about. The future looked bright, briefly, but Mr. Unavailable really isn’t going anywhere. He’s treading water, repeating the same moves again and again. Not me! I’m so glad I found this blog.
Wholly Shit. I am so damned mad/disappointed in myself. I can’t seem to get over this ex. I thought I had and nope all of the sudden I am flooded with tears, memories and longing. Our dalliance lasted 3 months. It’s been 9 months since the breakup. I feel so defective.
He had planned on moving and dropped some bullshit that he wanted to “take me with him.” All the while he was making plans to get a place with his best friend. He moved but not before admitting he didn’t want me to go with him. I was crushed. Devastated. He was slightly miffed at my initiating NC. That’s all. I think. In no time he was back with his ex, seeing shows, and carrying on while I struggled to bathe myself and keep my job in between crying. I wanted to die. My self care was so atrocious (truthfully it’s not much better) I nearly could have. This man. This relationship or whatever, it crushed me. I feel irreparable. I mean it really tore me to shreds. And him…like nothing ever happened. So these men. How??? How do they do this??? Lie and carry on??? I.Don’t.Get.IT. Where’s the justice? I mean some people actually get to not feel pain and merrily live their lives using people without experiencing any consequences???!!! It just doesn’t make sense to me. I feel the weight of my actions ten fold and these men feel nothing. I’m furious.
I am unsatisfied with my work life, have ZERO friends, live with my sick grandparents (This stresses me out beyond belief. I spend so much time in tears as there is nothing I can do for them.) and my ex gets to live it up in a beautiful city (jobless I’m sure) with his best friends all the while sampling the local females with one on backorder nonetheless (not me, though I don’t trust myself if he were to want me back, as I still desperately want him).
And if that doesn’t work out he has his fucking mom to come home to who makes him perfectly fitting plaid shirts that outline his beautiful frame. She makes him fucking shirts. My mom shot herself in the head when I was twelve and he has a mom to make him fucking shirts. And all the while he alluded to suicide while in seriousness saying, “I’d rather die than work a nine to five.” Well, fucker, I work an 8 to 5 to fucking survive and my mother did die you idiot. No sensibility, no shame this man.
And he also has a bevy of ready and willing females if he ever so chooses to come back to this town. It’s. Not. Fair. I hate him yet still long for him and cry over him near every fucking day. I don’t know how to stop this. I have worked insanely hard to get over this ahole and yet here I am, crying, writhing in pain alone over him. Again.
I want him to want me back. He doesn’t. I want him to be as devastated over us ending as I am. He’s not. I don’t know how to end this madness of not moving on. I don’t know how to stop this obsessing.
Good thing I’m signed up for Natalie’s Pattern
Breaker course. God knows I of all fucking need it.
Jennifer Tiffany, I hear your pain. My ex AC (now “best friend” Bleh!) broke things off with me over a one-line email because he “didn’t mean to fall in love with someone else, but it happened”. We always took things slow. Guess what!!! He moved cross-border to her city a week after telling me. God only knows how long they were together before that, while I was in my lala land of giving him “Space” to grieve the loss of a relative. WTF!!! I know where you’re at. To make long story short, things didn’t work out with them, he found his way back to me as “friends” much to my convenience. I wasn’t ready to trust him but I was/am still in love with him. Now, he’s back to his hot/cold pattern, no contact for a week now.. and I’m back to my rollercoaster of when I was with him added to it millions of images of him with someone else because of the last incident.
Trust me when I say, I felt better about myself when I was as angry as you are. Yes, the pain was hundred-fold, but I owned my life to some extent. Now, I’m hanging on to when he shows up, my mood depends on his, I’m so caught up in his web and it is paralyzing me. I am trying to re-live the BU in my mind now, maybe the anger would give me strength to actually see him for what he did even if it isn’t who he is and help me “let go”. I feel trapped.
Hang in there! Keep telling yourself you’re better off without him. Brain-wash yourself with that, because it’s the truth. You’re a better person and you deserve better than that loser. Does his mom spoon-feed him and change his diapers after he soaks it with his BS too??!!!
If you need more on how and why they can move on like that; men has the ability to “compartmentalize”, put a certain memory or pain in a box and hide it under their beds. Sometimes, not always, these boxes explode in their faces and the memories and pain all surface. It needs a lot of growing up on their side to know how to manage this and face it. Of course I don’t need to say here how often do men really really grow up. I read an article called “The Good, The Bad, The Ugly of a Man’s Ability to Compartmentalize” look it up if interested. It was an eye-opener for me as I was going nuts about HOW ON EARTH COULD THEY DO THIS while I’m that close to pulling out my hair over the BU?
Stay strong and believe in yourself!!
MSA,
I remember going through the same.
Trouble is, when that box of pain from under his bed explodes in his face…..it`s not pain of losing you, it`s a pain of not having anyone feeding their ego.He panics….and sends you a lousy, meaningless text. You are the one ending up in pain, he gets better. Your pain is a plaster for his ego, and when he throws it out, he doesn`t give it a second thought.
MSA, Thank you for your words of encouragement. I felt just as you with this last ex, I felt trapped, paralyzed and helpless. And you mention “millions of images of him with someone else.” God, can I relate. This has haunted me. Thinking of him and his ex. I deeply feel for you and your situation. It is a tough and painful plight. Deep down I know we deserve better than this. Hugs and Take Care.
jennifer tiffany,
“I am unsatisfied with my work life, have ZERO friends, live with my sick grandparents (This stresses me out beyond belief. I spend so much time in tears as there is nothing I can do for them.)”
being in a somewhat similar situation myself and also coming out of a short-lived dalliance that’s taking me more time to get over than it lasted, i think the paragraph before this one holds the key.
i, too, get furious when i think about the future faking EUM doing the cool things alone or with a new gf that we were supposed to do this winter and spring. i get furious when i think about how this break up affected me to the core of my being that i thought i was going to die and i couldn’t even work for months as i was barely functioning at all.
i seriously doubt he even ever thinks about me at all. not that it really matters. what those ACs and EUMs think and do is really none of our business and it really does not matter as their story in our lives is done.
however, when we don’t engage ourselves in self harm (and yes, ruminating is self harm) then we are left with what exactly? mmmm our crappy lives. i am in a country where i haven’t lived in over a decade, i have ONE friend (and god bless her, i doubt i’d be here if she had not been such a rock for me), no job, a rapidly dwindling bank account, a broken heart… nothing to get too excited about (except for the friend). so yes, when i get really anxious about the future, all the grief and anger about the ex EUM comes back with a vengeance, too.
what does that tell me? i need to stop building my life around others. perhaps that’s the same for you. you caring for your sick grandparents (and bless you for doing that) is probably not something you can change, but you could look for more satisfying employment and find friends. the trick is, when your self esteem is low, it seems like an impossible thing to do.
so glad you signed up for the pattern breaker course. i am starting the self esteem course tomorrow. i can’t wait!
natashya,
Thank you so much for your reply. You are so right. I DO need to STOP building my life around others. Thank you for you sage advice. I really identify with your situation. I did take Natalie’s self esteem course and can assure you it is wonderful and I am exited to start her pattern breaker course. Stay strong and take care. (Also, I’m glad you at least have that one friend. Sounds like a gem in a world of pebbles. We all need/deserve those
Dear Jennifer Tiffany,
I am very sorry for your suffering. I understand because I’ve been there. I was in a relationship with a man who treated me like dirt for 18 months, and then discarded me when I started to press for small things (like not dropping contact for a week, like introducing me to family and friends, like being interested in my life just a little, instead of both of us always focused on his). We broke up less than a year ago, and I just found out he is engaged to someone who is not even from the same country.
I had the same reaction you are having, and have spent the last 9 months in therapy because I felt like I was not moving on at all. Through therapy I realized that the abandonment and despair I felt by my ex who humiliated me, was actually pent up anger from a traumatic childhood. I was never into psycho-babble, but I see now so clearly the truth that we do try to repeat bad relationships from the past, in the hope of finding healing for that past relationship Have you thought that this guy is evoking the pain of your mother’s suicide, and that is why your reaction is so strong? Have you tried going to talk to someone?
ATN
I really appreciate it.
Sheesh BR women are brilliant and spot on! Yes, this man had been suicidal about three months prior to our dalliance. I was terrified throughout our “relationship” of setting him off. The guilt was crushing. I had wanted out about three weeks into it but felt too much guilt to call him on his deplorable behavior. He was an alcoholic like my father (who I’ve recently cut contact with as well) and had suicidal tendencies like my mother. This one was a doozie and triggered me like none other. I am in therapy and have been for a few years. It is something I definitely have needed and most likely will for a while. Take care and thank you for sharing
Jennifer, I wish I was there to hug you… Have you ever consider counselling? Maybe it worth to go and talk to someone about your painful experiences?
Awh, thank you Little Star (((HUGS))). I am in therapy and have been for a few years. I’ve really had to work on talking about and sorting out the pain from my past. My therapist and I have been discussing how I tend to deviate from the most painful issues that need to be worked on. But it has helped. Had I not found BR and been in therapy I might still be in this vicious cycle with this dangerous man.
Jennifer Tiffany, I can relate to what you write. I’ll share a little of my experience, don’t know if it will be useful to you but here goes: I spent many years without friends. Being a EUW, I would not only choose men who wouldn’t/couldn’t love me (still doing that one), I would also choose jobs/careers that didn’t allow for much interaction with others. I chose (unconsciously) to live in a place that didn’t have much to offer singles nor did it have many older singles anyway. None of this was conscious. I made choices based on my character, values (at the time), and emotional injuries. I tried to make friends but, being an EUW, the friends I made were like me because like attracts like. Through therapy, I learned boundaries, got in touch with my emotions, and, through boundaries, learned to own my emotions, which allowed me to express them without judging them. The natural sweet fruit of this is the ability to emotionally connect with others so that real bonds could form.
However, I still found it difficult to make friends. As I worked at my therapy and changed, the few people I knew personally I had to let go. On the one hand, it meant being all alone again. On the other hand, since I was beginning to operate out of a different paradigm, I couldn’t stay in those relationships either. I spent so many years, not only alone, but lonely! This was even after going to therapy for a couple years.
Yet, all the therapy and boundary work is paying off. I’m learning to take healthy risks, moved to a huge city that offers much for meeting people, have genuine friends who know how immature I can be and like me anyway!
They’re healthy and treat me as an adult. They let me express my feelings, don’t offer unsolicited advice, let me solve my own problems, offer resources that will help me help myself. I appreciate them! In fact, if I have plans with them, I haven’t changed plans just because a man asks me out on a date on the same night I have plans with them. So, even though I’m still choosing poorly who I’m attracted to (Each post of Natalie’s that I read, I cry still, didn’t know that I still need so much healing.), I’m getting stronger in how I handle myself in the dating world.
I need to change jobs too. For me, my job is extremely satisfying! The problem is that it isn’t paying the bills, still learning how to make my own life a priority, not “there” yet.
Well, anyway, this whole post is to encourage you to hang in there! Continue in your healing process and things will get better!
Oh! Also, what I’m learning is that a lot of the men I’m attracted to are in fields I wish I had a talent for but don’t. Due to previous immaturity and irresponsibility, I won’t qualify for student loans so can’t go to graduate school like I’d love to do. Thus, I’m also choosing men who are not only quite intelligent but well-educated. Intelligence is important to me; I’m not about to date a nice man who can’t think logically or critically but I’m realizing that I’m attempting to live vicariously through these men. In other words, I’m using them emotionally without realizing it. I’m stopping my nonsense.
I’m also learning that the more time I spend with my friends, developing hobbies, volunteer work, etc, the less I miss the AC. I miss him when I’m feeling desperate for change in my life. Of course, I’m still lonely for a man (let’s be honest here) but I’m not comromising myself anymore nor am I willing to use anybody for my own emotional gratification. He’s a person too. Yes, I’m getting stronger. Hang in there, Jennifer Tiffany! Keep on healing! Things will get better!
Jennifer sweetie; Look the reason he is the way he is, is because partially he has never had a problem in his life. His mother makes his shirts; that says everything of what she has set him up to expect from a woman.
As someone who lost her mom at a very early age and dealt with an ass of a dad, I feel your pain. I don’t know how old you are but I assume in your 20′s. When I was in my 20′s I was a mess; I struggled with forming attachments veering from lust and codependency with jerks, to sudden lack of interest and coldness to anyone who was kind to me. I felt so alone and I just feel how you feel; I swear what you are saying I was saying 20 years ago.
It gets better. I am not saying that it does quickly, but honestly, something heals in life as you heal from those childhood traumas. You need a good therapist, to get over your mom, a therapist would also help with your caregiver stress. Please call a local clinic to see if maybe they have interns or something. I know in my 20′s I got a lot of help from a sliding scale therapy center. I had very little money, but it was like 15 bucks a visit.
It gets better. You probably have some PTSD from your mom killing herself. It clouds your whole life and makes you feel unsafe.
It does get better, I promise you.I was a mess in my 20′s, I even ended up threatening to kill myself at one point (stupidly, trying to “explain” to someone how I felt)and got locked up for three days for observation…taught me never to be histrionic again;) *rueful smile*. Please trust me, it gets better. These jerks aren’t worth it. The guy who I wanted to “kill” myself over looks like an overweight donut shop owner now ( yeah I had to look him up on FB years later, lol). (((Big hugs))))
Hey Jennifer,
I just had to send you some love and support from cyberspace. For all I know you are now well on your way to recovery!! If not (yet!)try to slowly work towards doing something for yourself – whether it be walking in the spring weather, picking up an old hobby you used to like to do (no matter how silly and stupid you think it is…) or go hang at a museum or library. I know that there is really nothing that anyone can say when we feel like this, but please know that I am pulling for you. And that I hear you. And that there is definitely an eventual end to this nightmare.
I am really rough too, but I wish you so much luck.
Anna
It hasbeen 16 years, yes sixteen years, yep, that’s me. I have cried wolf so many times, done each and everything Nat has said not to do. He said, “just friends, don’t fall in love”. He meant it, nothing has ever changed in all these years except me. Doing things I am ashamed to admit to, hoping to gain his love. Hoping that He would love me. I have spent my whole life trying to right the wrongs of my past in everything I’ve done. I believe, still do, that friends open their arms, not their legs. But I did, compromised my feelings and beliefs. All the while hoping, even knowing for many, many years that it was futile. Ok, so I have regretted him and what he DID NOT have to offer. But it feels horrible, I feel horrible. My whole life is in shambles! I am disabled now, no income, no meds, no insurance, no support and no help. The pain is excruciating and I don’t know which is worse the physical or the emotional. They seem one in the same. I am no longer hopeful and cannot see past a regret hangover…
Hopeful,
First off: (((HUGS))). I am so sorry you are in such a painful situation. You do not deserve these bad things that are happening to you. You deserve love. I can promise you that.
I spent near twenty-eight years trying to get my alcoholic, abusive and non feeling/unable to experience empathy father to love me and it never worked.
I dated a meth dealer, a violent pot head and most recently a very emotionally disturbed alcoholic. As messed up as these men are, they can be very captivating, charming and manipulative. I developed physical ailments I’m still getting over due to the stress of sticking around these men.
BUT: It is never too late to start loving ourselves. It is never too late to love you and distance yourself from this man. Take care. Again I feel deeply for you and I am so sorry you are hurting.
Jennifer Tiffany, thank you for your kind words. I suppose you are right about it’s never too late. I just don’t know how to being at an all emotional low. None of us deserve to experience these things.
Of the 133 comments I read here, I could relate to like 99.99%; mostly BethD, Alibi, Natashya, Maria and Victorious
My ex-husband was a rebound off an AC. The irony!! He turned out to be worse, he fast fwded and bam! we got married and 2 boys. I was working like an octopus with 8 arms at the house so his critical eyes wouldn’t see any fault. It surely did though! But moreover, I needed 8 heads to deal with his narcissistic manipulative behaviour that always proved me wrong in every situation, that sometimes I needed to apologize for being upset at his a-hollery. We’re not divorced yet. He, too, wears the mask of a “Church guy”. I’m a Christian and I know the Bible doesn’t tell a man to emotionally abuse and blackmail his wife, yet he even tailors the verses to his own convenience, it makes me sick. He uses the same techniques with our children, that sometimes I think he’s not even aware of what he’s doing. His dad is another narcissist and he’s living under the dad’s supervision and guidance. Naturally, I had to too when I was with him!!! It was a totally effed up situation, I felt like I was living in one of those Mafia movies where the Big Boss had everything in control; money, decisions, even what schools the children go to. I had to opt out of such a sick arrangement.
I met someone online and Oh, it’s a whole new series of effing up that up to this moment I am not sure of whether I should Flush or not. That’s how mind-effed I am atm. It’s been going on for like 2.5 yrs. As I was telling Jennifer Tiffany, I am now friends with this ex who dumped me for his totally twisted high-school sweetheart. He then left her and crawled back to his Florence’s arms as a best friend (Me, of course) because turns out he doesn’t love her and still has strong feelings for me. @BethD; sounds familiar? To not so much my surprise, he is still acting in the same way, so so sweet, loving and chivalrous, writing me poems and giving me roses, then like smoke in the air, just vanished for a week now. I’m on the verge of letting it all go and moving on, but still hanging on to that barbed wire thinking he’s getting counselling to deal with his issues and will be back to normal again sooner or later, waiting for answers he’ll never give and changes that will never happen *sigh*. I’ve been getting more strength reading Nat’s posts and everyone’s replies, but still can’t get myself to NC. I know I’ll probably regret this especially if he comes telling me he’s dating or something.
I went through a very difficult time with an AC but everyday gets better with NC
I met this amazing man just after I ended an engagement. I was weak and vulnerable and thought he was amazing but I was just not ready for comitment though we were intimate. Eventually I gave in to be with him and he kept on blaming me for my past mistakes and the way I treated him when I wasn’t ready. He kept on breaking up with me. Eventually he lost his job and I was there for him and
helped him find a new job. He got his confidence back and starting enjoying time with his friends and not me. We were still intimate.Since Dec he has rejected and abandoned me. Said we can’t be together and it will never work. I went to surprise him at home to give him a christmas gift and wanted to take him to the airport. He said I was acting like a psycho and stalker.then he deleted me from all his facebook and bbm. I can’t get over how ungrateful he is and can delete me so easily and break up with me constantly. Is it really me or does he have a mental problem. Need advice
Useless thinking,
I guess if he’d said “we can’t be together and it will never work” you should not have thought then that it’d be a good idea to “surprise him at home to give him a christmas gift and take him to the airport.” Hear what he is saying – process the information you are getting.
Take time to get over a relationship before going into another. Though this guy does sound like he blew hot and cold – time to move on.
Wow, girl!! This story reminds me of somebody I know. It sounds so familiar and I know the people involved. How crazy it’d be if this was the same group of people.!! She helped him get the job in a different city and now he is dating somebody from that job. What a sad situation. I hope you realize that you are better off withouth this guy!
Useless thinking
The red flag I see is “amazing” and ” ended an engagement”. you were on the rebound and made too much of this man,s potential.
I don,t see anything amazing there myself.
What,s really you is that you think being dumped constantly is amazing. What,s him is, well, you know if you open your eyes to it.
Great post!
I come from a different situation with regards to assclowns. My life has been full of them from childhood. I’m a survivor of a psychopathic father, three psychopathic long term relationshits, and I have a disordered son.
The dynamics of these relationshits are far different than the ordinary EUM, even though some of the tactics appear the same, but a lack of empathy has been the foundation for all of them.
The healing process is much of what you’ve shared Natalie, with a couple of differences (incidentally, this is why I advocate for my readers to come HERE in their aftermath too). Understanding the label of a disorder and the content, I have found are critical in understanding her/his experience. But they can only learn so much unless psychology is going to be a career choice. Secondly, the healing process takes a lot longer for most, because they’re purging a lot of garbage from the past that made them vulnerable in the first place,that led them to not having any boundaries, their values skewed, basically they’re a mess. Because of the deviancy associated with these particular assclowns (asshat ala extreme), it is soul destroying and survivors have to literally rebuild from the bottom up. That takes a long time. A really long time.
I think the key (and where I agree with you wholeheartedly) is being ALONE for awhile, without distractions. When people are in pain, they tend to distract and this can be on a subconscious level too, not aware that even a good, but mindless thing they’re doing can be used to avoid feelings.
The only way to heal is to FEEL. And such strong emotions can be very frightening!I say feel the anger. Feel the sadness. Cry, beat your pillow, however long it takes, just DO IT when it comes. Trying to stuff emotions, is like taking a virus and putting it in helium and blowing you up. You will get SICK if you do not feel your emotions.
There is no set time to heal. There are so many factors involved, the point is just to do it without calling, texting, writing to an assclown who has no capability to save you or make it right. Letting go also means working hard not to hang on in our minds too. He can be long gone, but still as fresh in our minds as yesterday. That IS distraction, that IS holding on.
Nice job, Nat.
Thank you Jennifer Tiffany for your kind words. I am so grateful for the support and encouragement on this site.
Sanntay, ((((HUGS))) This site has been such an important part in my healing as well
It is interesting that in one date I got the one time in band camp story (health issues), the crocodile tears, him feeling like teenager/nervous and I reckon he bailed, because I didn’t give him the reaction he expected and stroke his ego plus his prostate problems meant he would be a bad bet. After the ball when I set boundaries for friendship I bust his BS so he knew as I also told him at the ball that I’d sussed him out. I played a game with him, his own game and he didn’t like it.
This man hadn’t got over his divorce 20 years ago and still called her his wife. He also didn’t want to face up to his actions in the marriage breaking down as she left him and we all know that if a woman leaves for another man it must be bad. I reckon he was EU with her and as Nat said he rolls from one woman to another, dating site etc.
Feisty,
It seems like you are putting a lot of energy into someone you had one date with. I don’t understand why you are/were wasting your time? It was one date!
Err no I’m not Alison so please don’t give me a hard time as I don’t need it. I’m sharing my experience as others do, so that they can spot a player when they see one and I am relating the red flags to Nat’s posts. Things are starting to click with me now as I read more of Nat’s posts. If we can’t share and warn others then what can we do? I don’t invest in anyone but myself first and foremost so that I am happy in myself as you can’t welcome someone else into your life otherwise.
Feisty,
I’m sorry, but I thought the text and the games that were played at the gala showed you had over invested – He’s a waste of time, why put more time into this. The fact the you wanted to be friends with this guy, much less having an involved convo after the text, indicated you were very invested.
The guy is mixed up and incapable of having a relationship. Consider yourself lucky that you found out early.
Feisty,
I am not trying to give you a hard time. Please recognize that this is coming from a good place.
There has also been a lot detail re. this clown – in several posts – which is why I have made the point I have.
Please take this point as a positive.
Demeke he was married , he was unhappy and starting seeing this ow , and he left for her. Or i think wife found out and didnt want him back . So wife left i left as soon as i found out bout ow , he left with this ow , so options three down to one . But i dont care anymore , im doing fine ive nc and still not looking at his fb page , hes actually blicked me off his band page , its as a friend thing and a month after me requesting him to do it and him saying he didnt know how he has . Now the old me would have got upset , palpatations that hed done etc , but i dont care , i dont want to know , he must have got arse im getting on with life and i had the audicity to actually block him and not relent and go back . I seriously think he thought id come crawling back begging for his friendship even tho hes in a new relationship . Erhhh no not this time , you werent a nice man , you were even worser shite friend , i dont want shite in my life . I feel happy , ive been singing and laughing and flirting and just flirting and thats all up a storm . X this year is gonna be free of sadness and anxiety and crap
xx
Wow…what a post. I just spent an hour reading and re-reading it. Maria – although I am not a Christian, I like many women had a set of “principles” that actually worked against me in my long term marriage and that I see many of us have. We are taught to actually ignore what what we really feel so that we can be “understanding” fair-minded and in my case this led to my making excuses for my ex, even though I was so angry a lot of the time(that was my true voice speaking). I was such a cheerleader when he said he was “trying to change,” I was so “concerned” about his lack of self-esteem blah blah blah. I think that women are taught to downplay or ignore their needs and boundaries and men are taught that they are entitled to push past them routinely. It is up to US to determine and demonstrate what we want and need (I am speaking for myself here…I didn’t do this effectively).
I think I even blamed myself for our cold sexless marriage, never really facing up to the fact that his lack of emotional trustworthiness, and his underdevelopment as a person, the fact that I did practically everything in the marriage was the real reason (I understood this all “intellectually” but I always took things to heart. My body had the wisdom here. I chose to intellectually override it.
BUT I have to report some progress. For those of you who know my story…after my calling it quits my ex stated that building a good post relationship and working on himself were his two key priorities. On that basis I agreed to spend some time hiking with him and our daughter and was on my way to meet them ….12 hours after he left for the vacation place he fell into an emotional airbag on a plane and started love bombing her…12 hours! That must be a record. She being EU and well whatever hereself (because I think all he did was talk about me and how “well” our break had gone (is that irresistable to women or what?) the relationship moved on by email pretty fast. And I saw many of the emails because they were sent on our shared business account. I was so incredibly traumatized NOT because I loved him and wanted him back because in one clear blinding flash of light I saw that he had no boundaries, didn’t have any insight about the consequences of his behaviour, was going to have this in my FACE while I was with him and our adult daughter, didn’t give a rat’s ass about me and didn’t even KNOW how this would affect me. He was stupid and naive and he was dangerous. And don’t get me started about how he compartmentalized everything so that he just wrote off how the kids might react if they found out….(oh and that was another thing, I was with my youngest when I saw the emails and protected him even though I was practically vomiting at dinner with her). I can’t even explain the depth of my trauma and I do not use those words lightly. I spent weeks with a counsellor while he did (in his words) emotional first aid with me while I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t even process what all this meant to me but of course it is pretty humbling to think one has wasted so much time on a person who doesn’t have a clue about himself or anybody else. And then it didn’t escape me that the cold hard reality is that he could just walk out (12 hours) and there would be a woman all over him whereas at my age….well, that just does not happen (but then I don’t actually encourage it!)
Anyway, my point is that I was really really badly off for about 5 months as I dealt with this. Yet I worked (over-worked), went to the gym, hit the treadmill, went to my French class (a passion), talked to friends, was loving to my grown up kids – I still functioned. My counsellor said I WAS making progress but honestly I never saw it. I read BR and tried to focus on comforting myself and the reassuring words and I started looking much more at my own behaviour and the part I had played. I still haven’t finished that part yet.
My ex did “end” the emotional email relationship with the plane air bag woman in late summer after three months but he did it in such a way as to not take responsibility for his decision by saying that it was hurting ME too much and then went on ad nauseum about how much he would “miss” not knowing her more. Talk about being screwed up…it makes me sick still to think of his lack of boundaries here. And she wrote back dripping all over him about how she would never ever forget him, she didn’t see the reason why blah blah blah. And ending by recommending he read a story about two strangers who meet and go on to have an intense love affair. Even through my pain I could see that the pair of them were really really screwed up!!! (And even now I think wow..I should have just let them go at it because it would have been a disaster – except I did not want to expose my children to this chaos). See, taking care again!!!!
Of course, reading BR I knew that she would write again…and it would be around New Years – such a great excuse for this EUW and up popped an email from her a few days ago with a little loving poem to him and a hundred thousand wishes for a wonderful new year. Poor ex – he was shocked (lol) and was running around figuring out how to block her…..ha ha ha.
But the amazing thing is that when I observed the email I didn’t feel very much at all. I could see that she had been led on by him and that she is screwed up, reckless, careless, and needy but who cares. My main thought was damn, I sure hope I don’t have to process this much because it will interfere with my getting my report done and my French essay. And then I realized that despite not seeing it at the time – all the processing, reading, and learning I have been doing has really helped. I know that my ex is emotionally untrustworthy and if he makes headway on that for himself someday that is fine – but it isn’t really my affair. I have been clarifying with my counsellor how I can communicate with him and the areas where communication can’t happen and how I still need to NOT make him a central thinking point (I realize I am doing it here but I have cut down on that). I made the mistake about a month ago of leaking out a feeling to him about my day and of course he didn’t hear and didn’t respond and she reminded me that this was a painful reminder that I cannot and will never get any emotional understanding from him. So I don’t go there….is this workable? I still don’t know. I
So I just want to say that if you are in the midst of grief and pain…try to keep going forward with your understanding and learning…keep investing in YOUR life in whatever way works for you, even though sometimes you feel you are “just going through the motions.”
Ms. Determined talked about how regret can be our friend. Well…yes…but I haven’t been much of a friend to regret. What I mean is that I fall into the “One False Move Mentality” (blaming oneself for others’ bad behavior and what is beyond one’s control). I’m making a lot of progress in this area, though, thanks to boundaries.
In spite of my not being a good friend to regret, I’ve learned a lot from regret. What I’ve learned is that the men I’ve dated weren’t the only ones with red flags dangling from their foreheads (why didn’t I see them??); I’ve had a few red flags of my own. For example, I’m angry at being used for sex and then being strung along. But then, I had to face the reality that I was using him emotionally while stringing along a couple other men for my own ego. So…regret lead to self-reflection which lead to using the situation with the last AC as a catalyst to up the bar on my own morality. I’m done using people. Period. I told the two men to stop calling me and I even apologized to them.
This was a while ago. No one has asked me on a date lately so I don’t know how I’ll respond should I get duped/rejected again as I’m missing the “resiliency gene” that everybody else seems to have. But I am making progress.
@Jennifer T
Nope, often there isn’t justice unless karma catches up with him (and it will) which doesn’t happen nearly fast enough. Addicts, whether it’s drugs, alcohol, food tend to physically and mentally fall apart by middle age; then it gets worse. I am getting the feeling that you took up with this deadbeat because YOU feel as though there’s no options for you either. You feel trapped by obligations in a place that isn’t working for you. There may be care options for your grandparents to take some of the pressure off of you. I am dealing with a similar situation with my dad, but long distance. You do need to talk to multiple someones. This may sound cruel, but your grandparents aren’t going to be around forever: now is the time to figure out plan B.
I think what broke my heart in the post was Nat talking about the need to feel your heartbreak; I have a hard time doing that.
My dad never mourned my mom when she died; he literally took her pics and hid them away, got married 3 months later and we never talked about it again until almost 25 years later. It gave me the impression that, when people leave, it is too painful to bear. You just have to pretend that it did not happen.
I have a really hard time crying. I know that sounds dumb because some people do it so well, but I cry when I am angry and pmsing, and over dumb things, but when something hurts it is like my tear ducts dry up. I can’t feel anything but anger or just dead.
I don’t know how to mourn. I am so afraid that that will be the big thing in my next relationship ( if I ever have one lol). I honestly have such a hard time feeling anything when things get rough in a relationship but fear or just nothing.
oops I mean to say that I can’t feel anything but fear, not anger. I have a hard time feeling sad or angry in relationships at least in front of men; I freeze or/and just feel nervous. SO easy to mess with me when I am like that.
this post Natalie smacked me in the gut, in a good way. it has been in my head the whole weekend. i think that I need to think of not letting go of the AC`s, the hurt and the disappointment. I need to let go of not feeling good enough and when I make that happen the rest will fall into place.
I sat down this morning and wrote in my journal about one of the AC`s ( one before last) that destroyed my already low self esteem. He was the worst of them, and they were all the lowest of the low.Into illegal porn, with pedofile interests, among other things. I was molested in childhood by my grandfather, finding out about this man I was with was the worst trauma of my life. The psych I was seeing at the time said he deserved a relationship and due to my past we were incompatible! I can`t seem to squash the psych`s voice of authority in my head,I guess because I was in no state to validate my own feelings about it and whatever he said was gospel to me. It made me feel it was my fault and if that AC, the lowest of forms of life made me an exception to his rule it would then right the wrongs of the past. WTF? Was my psych and AC too? A profesional I turned to for help that I trusted ? I feel I need to write him an unsent letter as well! I feel like I have such a long road still ahead of me and it`s daunting, but determined to continue. I truly bless the day I found you Natalie.
I have a similar story sushi. I couldn’t ignore the parallels between my ex and the other abusers in my life anymore. It was making me sick, but one day I saw the light. Expecting the very person who was making me sick to be the solution to my problems was so backwards and insane. I was poisoning myself, and the only way to get better, was to get away from the poison! We should be running as fast and as far away from these disgusting men, not clinging to them hoping they’ll change! Even if they did miraculously change like we wanted, that wouldn’t erase the damage and pain they already caused. It’s a losing game.
I don’t think your psych knew what he was saying entirely. He was right that you were incompatible, well DUH, because the guy is a sick, twisted vile poor excuse of a human being! His words just had more of an effect as you were so vulnerable and looking for external validation. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. You know what happened- YOU ARE THE AUTHORITY ON YOUR EXPERIENCES, not your psychologist, or anyone else. Don’t undermine yourself
malaise, it was insane and back to front. I now know that I had no parameters for healthy. I went through life like I was still the abused and mistreated child. In constant internal conflict and as if I had no right/means to say no to the wrongs.Thank you, your words are very empowering.
What a great post…I’ve needed someone to talk to me like this for years. But perhaps the timing was perfect because I have recently told myself that I need to change. my ex and I reunited after he had a failed marriage. Our first go around was in college…10 years prior to that. He made it clear that we would never be due to his culture…I heard that and knew it…and was reminded harshly of it when he got married. When he was married, I unknowingly invoked the NC rule and I jumped into another impossible, yet emotionally satisfying relationship. I didn’t have any contact with him for 3 years, which was hard because we had a strong friendship. Mind you, he had accepted that we would never be, I did not. Those 3 years were hard. I feel like the majority of it was still about him: me weening myself off the familiarity, then a relationship in the middle, then wondering what He’s doing. In my heart, I did wish him well, figured he was happily married and had children. Well, one day a mutual friend told me that she heard he was divorced…it took me a few days and I contacted him. I knew that a lot of heartache could enter again. After we reunited, it really was like our friendship had never ended. I was happy with rekindling our friendship, I was ok with hearing about how he wanted to get married again. Then within 6 months, we got physical again and that spiraled into us playing house. It’s now 5 years later…we’ve both been through a relationship in this time, but my heart just wishes we could be. But my head knows we can’t…I need to focus, but I want to keep my friend. I need to accept what we discussed years ago and stop hurting myself.
This spoke to me. I am grieving the loss of a 3.5 year relationship with whom I thought was my soulmate. November 21 I told him to leave my house because he called my 14 year old son a “effer” (the real word!!) for eating a cookie that was meant for him. He doesn’t have any children and has never been married. We are both mid 40′s. He is a sagitarius, brutally honest x2. We never had infidelity issues. We enjoyed the same things. We went to elementary school together. He was the popular guy in the neighborhood, I was the shy, not so confident girl. I think I’m still not that confident. It was an on again, off again relationship for the past 3.5 years. I was always there for him no matter what. I knew I made the right decision for my son when I told my bf to leave my house. I didn’t want to show my son that I validated bf’s actions and words to my son. Since then, I don’t know how to move on. I have not been happy and I cry alot and think of him constantly. I tried NC and broke it twice. I texted him Merry Christmas and he texted back “Merry Christmas to you and the boys and a Happy and Healthy New year to Come”. I said to him “that’s it, do you love me still?” . He texted back “Is that it???” LOL you’re funny. Not getting into this right now. Thanks for the wishes”. The last time I texted and basically asked where he stood with us getting together. He basically said that he doesn’t see a future between us right now because of the way I act with him when he says something to me or the kids. UGH!! I can’t stop thinking about him. The mind is the devils playground and I am getting kicked off of the swing every two seconds. Please help.
“He basically said that he doesn’t see a future between us right now because of the way I act with him when he says something to me or the kids.”
WHHAAAATT??!! He basically just said that he can’t be with you because he doesn’t let you do or say just as he pleases to you and your children whenever he pleases it. I should jolly well think so! Now there’s the statement of a man who clearly got stuck at the age of seven.
The man sounds like a toadstool. He’s not ‘brutally honest’, he’s just mega-rude. And it’s not because he’s a Sagittarius (I know lots of lovely, polite and unsweary Sags), it’s because he’s a toadstool and cba to learn to relate to others appropriately because he doesn’t think he should have to. And because he’s God, obviously.
Sticking on my cod psychologist hat for a second, I wonder if part of the reason you’re having trouble letting him go is because you’ve looked to him to ‘solve’ the problem of your low self-confidence and prove that you aren’t that shy little girl any more? If so, try to remember that you’re not – you’re obviously a strong mother who wants her children to grow up with good values and a good sense of what to expect for relationships. That’s fabulous, and better than being the ‘popular’ (spoilt, inappropriate, unkind and self-serving) kid (/emotionally undeveloped adult) any day of the week.
It will get better, I promise, but don’t text him again – it’ll only make you feel bad and ill. I remember Natalie saying to me once “Stop pumping him up – turn the pump on yourself instead”. You’re way too grown-up for such a donkey.
leelow, you need to get off the swing. Let it be over.
Dear Leelow, you absolutely did the right thing. I would not ever allow him to swear at my children. Over a cookie….and dont let him guilt trip you into apologising…never ever. My ex AC went on a trip with myself and my two kids who were 8 and 12 at the time. We were at a camp site. He asked my son to take the garbage out. My son said he would after his shower…not good enough for the AC. He was annoyed the whole day about the fact he took a shower before he took the garbage out. We went to many places that day and I asked my ex AC to take a couple of photos of me and the kids as being a single parent its difficult to get good pics. When I got the pics developed…..he had taken the pics in such a way that my son was either deleted or off edge of photo!! The AC said he was taking the ‘scenic route’ home knowing that my son gets car sick ++++, round and round windy roads, my son was slowly alternating between shades of grey and green. Kept reminding him he better not vomit on his leather upholstery!! We never went anywhere with him ever again!!!! Total mind-effery!
You must go total no contact with him.Its hard at first, you think you will never manage it but stay strong, and remember all the little digs and twists that you have put up with, it does get easier as time goes on.
Really, really great post.. I was antsy all day yesterday on and off and this morning until I read this.. and it reaffirmed I am doing ok and doing the right thing by making a conscious effort to “let go” and move on with my life, even though it hurts like hell about half the time still.
I wish I could hug all of you posters I really do – my story and what brought me here really pales in comparision to many of yours. All I can say is I do understand your pain because I feel it too. I have learned that many, many times the pain isn’t from what is happening now though – obviously all of you can see that these people who crapped all over you aren’t worth a minute of your time. My pain, and I am sure alot of your pain, comes from the past. Either bad relationship building on top of bad relationship every time they go south and you burying yourself in the next one to keep from dealing with it, making every next hurt worse… or a crappy childhood. For me its both. I tell myself that when I am feeling really bad and want to reach out and make an ass of myself to someone who has decided she doesn’t want me. I know she wasn’t that great anyway, everyone tells me that. Sure, friendly to a fault, socialable, fairly attractive, fun… but completely unstable, all over the place, dramatic, too concerned about how she looks to others, superficial, self absorbed, and flaky. Not a good match for me at all… it doesn’t make it hurt less, because I never felt so wanted and adored by anyone in my life, but a bad fit in all the things that count. Feel the pain, but know by their behavior it would’ve sucked sooner or later (or already sucked)… and let them go and never ever chase them for their affection. THERE IS SOMEONE BETTER…
I can’t rebound easy either, I have a hell of a time letting go of anything. I stay in fantasy land and only look at the good. I want her back so bad it hurts like hell sometimes. I am not resilient at all. But I AM not chasing her, I AM having no contact with her (37 days, a couple texts, and now 26 more days), I AM moving forward and forcing myself to be productive at work, feeding myself, working out, hanging out with my very very few friends and family, getting out as much as I can, and most of all I AM positive that I will eventually break out of this feeling and I will find someone again… I always have in the past and God did not bring me all the way here to abandon me now. The road does not just end, and the sun still rises. I am telling you, if I can do this all of you can – no one takes rejection and abandonment harder than me lol..
You wont be able to get them out of your head if you are like me.. so don’t try to fight it all the time just go with it. But push on, keep going, dont give up. I still think about her ALOT… and I cried a couple days ago over it for only like the third time (I feel void of tears alot too, dead inside just the dull ache of rejection) and we’ve been apart since Sep 29 – almost half the length of our 8 month relationship and I am still sorting it out, finding ways to cope, and still feeling pain to the point of crying. She is not – I feel it in my heart she doesn’t care a bit. She gets through things in her way, and that is her. I, and YOU, will get through it too, in our ways. If you are on here it will most likely be a much healthier way, and your next relationship might just be the last one you have to worry about being in
Let them go as best you can, don’t chase, don’t sell yourself out to someone who really doesn’t care enough to stick around or who does shitty things to you. You’ll cry, you’ll lose sleep, you’ll feel like dying or wonder what the hell you are doing wrong, but you will get better. Its been going on 4 months – I will think about her every single day, for hours, but I am learning how to live again, and not thinking about her every minute anymore, and I actually smile sometimes. I know it will continue getting better, ever so slowly. As long as I don’t do things to find more pain about it it will leave me. Don’t hang on, don’t decide to seek validation or to dig around in their lives, just keep your memories you have and process through them and keep going, even while you are so afraid to let go and afraid to move on in case they come back… they made their choice and its not fair for them to have no risk you may actually get better and find someone amazing while they are dragging your heart and self esteem through the mud. F – em. I still love her, still want her so bad, miss her like hell, but F-her I am not falling apart over anyone. Dont you fall apart either, because its not over until you cease to draw another breath. Maybe you will get your validation from a better source, and maybe even a better version when down the road they try to come back and you aren’t really interested anymore.
This reply is extremely late, but this is one of the best posts I’ve read on this site. Plus, it mirrors my situation exactly. Thank you so much for showing me that someone else is going thru the same thing that I am (I am not crazy) and that, with time, I will make it through to the other side.
NC is tough. I was doing well with it; then I slipped and sent a text abt 2 weeks ago (after one month of NC) and was sent right back down the rabbit hole of grief, regret and longing. Now, I have to pick myself back up again and resume NC. I (and we all) can do this and reclaim our lives and joy!
To Bob72,
(Storm – this is so funny bc I came on this site the SAME DAY as you and was going to comment the same thing about Bob’s post!!!?? weird, huh?)
Bob, this post IS one of the best posts I have read and it has really inspired me. It is so strange that there are other people out there that can just move on from relationships, even when they themselves say they are in love, like it is no problem at all.
AND, that there are so many of us that find them attractive – so attractive in so many ways that we choose to not put ourselves first.
I’ve only come to a full realization in the past few days that I have to completely let him go. It’s very hard when you are both relatively nice people and that you both are still in love with each other. Yet, it JUST DOESN’T MATTER (ala meatballs)if the one you love is not mentally able to be in a relationship. As we all know, it takes a certain amount of trust and work to be in a healthy relationship. and it can’t be one sided.
grrrrrrrr. I’m just so frustrated. I am trying to do all the things I am supposed to do, but I still feel completely sad/alone/hopeless/like a failure. And Bob, I.HEAR.YOU. Loud and clear – about not being able to get them out of your head. It is unreal, but I am trying. Trying Trying Trying. That’s all I can do.
Thanks for your inspiration and all of my good luck to you,
Anna
I feel I have to recommend Nat’s Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship Book to many of you (I won’t embarrass you by saying who you are).
It helped me when I started seeing my boyfriend. Even though I knew my thinking was wacky, I felt like he was the one, this one my big chance after years of no-dating, that he was so much better than me.
Six months later, we are still together. The relationship does not seem to be as amazing as many of your imaginary ones but I do see him a few times a week in real life and he is consistently good to me. there is more to be had from life than imagining that someone who let you down badly will morph into a different person. That doesn’t happen.
And if it does, I’ve said it a gazillion times, he will be moving onto pastures new with no bad associations.
Which YOU can do.
I let go every AC, ex, and hanger on. It made room for better things, not just a new man. They drag you down these selfish, whingey, boundary-busting show offs. And you get into a horrible dynamic of looking to them (yes THEM) for validation, and praise.
I think the penny dropped when the returning childhood sweetheart (hah) texted me a porn picture at three in the morning. As I sat looking at it I wondered “Is this what it’s come to?”
Nah, not for me. And not for you either.
Hearing ya Grace!
grace, nothing embarrassing about it. i think ‘the dreamer’ was written for me
fantasy relationships are ‘great’ while they last. and when they shatter, is it ever hard to let go of the illusion. i am pretty sure i am over the ex EUM, but the illusion is still there…. though it’s cracking all over the place and hopefully will dissolve soon where it belongs: in fantasy land.
one thing i’ve learnt from this whole break up saga is that at the end of the day it’s about your self esteem. you can ‘fix’ a broken heart in many ways: hop into a new relationship, drown yourself in alcohol or mind numbing shows on the telly. doing this will only set you up for repeat experience. the lesson just won’t go away til you learn.
i have been observing happy, solid couples lately (ah, yes they sure do exist) and there’s 1 thing they all have in common: they are all healthy and stable individuals with healthy self esteem and boundaries who do not seek validation from somebody else. 2 happy and healthy people can make a good relationship. a relationship with 1 healthy and 1 unhealthy person is a recipe for disaster. nevermind a relationship with 2 unhealthy people.
i thought i was healthy when i got involved with the ex EUM, but i completely realise now that i was anything but. i was grasping at straws, looking to fall into his life, as i didn’t like my own. i’ve been having trouble letting go because without the fantasy, what is left? a not so healthy me with a not so great life.
having realised that might not sound like a big deal, but it is to me. i feel like i’ve cracked the code. i can only be in a happy and healthy relationship if i’m a happy and healthy person. i’m working on that now. i’m shifting the focus back onto me.
Bob.
What you have written is so encouraging, heartfelt and beautiful. I’m sure it is a reflection of who you are. An AC/EUM or any other emotionally challenged individual could never have written anything near what you have. You will continue through this triumphantly and have so much more insight and wisdom. She did not deserve you and now she will never know the fine person who she trampled all over. Wish you much luck and personal fulfillment.
I read these posts and my heart just aches for all of you in pain.
I see patterns here and I can’t help but notice it, and now I’m wondering if my presence here is appropriate. No, I’m not that “special”, it’s just hard not to want to jump in and fix it, when I still have a lot of recovery work to do, but at the same time working in support for survivors of personality disordered people.
I see a lot of lack of empathy in these men that you all have been with. It’s no different than my having been with them too. I see a deep and distorted perception that comes with the notion that you can have a soul mate connection with someone only after just a few months or several of dating and be so devastated. That doesn’t scream real love to me in the healthy sense, it screams childhood wounds. It screams wounds of familiarity. I know those so very well, I really do and have participated in the moment of being swept off my feet. It seems the sooner it happens with attachment, the less real it could possibly be. A distraction, an escape from me, from childhood pain, or a running to my daddy issues for resolution. There just isn’t another explanation for how twisted that thinking was for me. How the hell do you get so twisted up after only a few or several months? Given the outcome of my relationships (disastrous) it’s pretty clear what it was. It was unhealthy and the men I was with, all psychopath/narcissists, were a reflection of how I felt about myself, or were dead on familiar with my childhood. I knew nothing else. I sat in therapy for years going NO WHERE. I wasn’t willing to part with my dysfunctional comfort zone. I was in my last relationship as an OW for ten years and I was terrified to give it up because I knew when I did I had nothing else to hang onto. I would bein free fall because I did not have myself either.My identity was tied up in my abusers and never in me. Always tied up into a “man”. Expecting Prince Charming instead of the Prince of Darkness that I got, showed me just how special I was not.
I have done a lot of recovery work this past year and a half. Not half assed, but hard core which includes tons of changes to my life. I am 49 years old and 46 of those years were spent fighting with myself in very sick, very twisted, very distorted relationships. When I got out of the last one, that was it for me. I am still grieving it, but not grieving him, I am grieving me. I am grieving all the loss, from childhood forward. It isn’t about them and it never, ever was. They were all a reflection of my pain. They were a reflection of disorder that was so familiar.
I had to let go of many, many people from my life. All were pathological and all were those I shared unhealthy values with. This included my pathological family too. Two of whom are my children, one is disordered and one is in a relationship with a psychopath. Go figure. Given their example, and their genetics, it is not a surprise, but yet still painful and an outcome of my choices.
Somehow, taking responsibility for my choices has helped to move me from victim to survivor. When both of my ex’s were hurting me, I knew they were. I can’t justify that except to say that it was familiar and I knew how to operate in that dynamic. I never knew a healthy relationship in my entire life. And even so, I still knew they were hurting me and I cannot sit here and say that I didn’t know I wasn’t being hurt, being abused. Being in those relationships, allowed me to stay in my victim comfort zone. I didn’t have to work to get out of them and I was justified because I could scream to whomever would listen that THEY were causing me pain. I’m not responsible for their abuse. They were who they were and they always will be. Just like my father. They will never change, so to invest more energy into them at all is a remarkable waste of time. Having said that, there is energy and major stress going into the grieving process. It hurts. A lot. The losses are monumental, overwhelming and feeling so much sadness, can at times, feel as if I will suffocate under the weight of it.
I have been totally alone, and pretty much isolated for the better part of two years. Not totally isolated, but enough. My therapist does not consider the survivor support and writing, networking and the relationships with my children to be “isolating” but compared to what it was before the last ex, it is now,I have made new friends and my relationships with them are healthy. I find catharsis in writing and supporting. There is no abuse in my life, and this is cause for great anxiety at times for me. At first the BOREDOM from not having drama, chaos and abuse nearly drove me insane, but it made me realize how unhealthy my life had truly been when compared to the depth of boredom I was feeling. I was willing to sit with this. I don’t know how I know this is right, but I feel it because when I consider opting out and into another relationship, I just can’t bring myself to do it and that is a good sign for me. I don’t know that I want to have another relationship. I don’t hate men and have friends, but I just have no energy or desire to waste more time in chaos and drama. I want to get to know me better now, alone with me, instead of trying to find out about me through a “man”. Been there done that. It didn’t turn out too well. This is okay with me though. the simpler things in life that I couldn’t appreciate before, I can now. The time to be young to marry and to have children is over. I wasted all those years too. Now I have grandchildren and saw them just yesterday. They bring light to me. I’ll take that for now and it’s an energy worth my investment. They are precious, their little hearts….
I do find myself in a quandry now, actually in a state of terror. I have been very ill, but am working on that with my doctors. I’m better than I was, but not quite there yet. While doing my emotional process I started my blog. It has been growing and growing. It has helped me to tap into more recovery work, more self discovery, more support and into my creativity. At times I feel like this could go somewhere for me, at others not so much. I have writer friends and positive feedback from people who write to me after reading. My writer friends encourage me to keep going, but I feel stuck. I’m not sure if this is what I need to be doing. I feel that my motives and intentions need to be clear. I don’t feel gifted in it, but it’s nice to hear that it helps others. I don’t want to use my writing or a potential business adventure as a crutch and excuse for not getting out into the world, yet at the same time, I have to be mindful of my health, as well as the reality that I need a job. I have not worked in twenty years, but was instead going to school for a psych degree when I got sick. I can’t access anymore funds for school because I took so long to get where I was. I only have less than a year for my bachelor’s and three accelerated altogether for both. But that is now out of the question.
So I face the world with no skills. I have vocational rehab and yet I feel so drawn to writing to supporting. I’m trying to find meaning in a lifetime of experiences. Perhaps it’s right in front of me but I’m missing it.
I’m feeling so sad about the losses. Time, youth and tons of mistakes. All things I cannot take back, cannot replay. All things that I cannot now drown out in the noise of an abusive relationship.
I guess I’m scared because I really don’t know what to do. I feel as if in a weird holding pattern right now. I’m working on getting past yet another element of fear in recovery, no wait, terror! Anyway….
Having said that, as I read these posts, one thing is so clear to me, so ridiculously obvious. There is way, way way too much child abuse. Way too much and some of us are the outcome of that abuse. I see what it has done to lives everyday and find it repulsive that it seems to be largely unaddressed in our society. We keep cranking out survivors and women keep procreating with disorders, which puts more pathology into the world. I wish there were more supports for children who have been so hurt and adults who are living the outcome.
I hope you all will recover. Just the reality that you’re here and talking about it, is progress.
Great blog. Thanks for the vent
Sushi … your comment made me sick at my stomach. I go back in time and tell you your ex was disgusting, filthy, I hope there are legal charges brought against him and I am so sorry for what he put you through!
Did you write your letter? How’d it go?
lo j, thank you, hug .Thing is, he did not put me through all that, I did it myself by staying with him for a few excruciating months after I found out;by chance, and then he confessed the rest while trying to stop me from leaving. I told him all about himself believing ( what was I thinking)that once I point out the wrongs he would want to right them. I effectively taught him how to be extra careful and secretive.He was an upstanding citizen and a religious man, active member of his church,appeared to worship the ground I walked on, was desperate for a commited relationship with me and was devastated when I left him, then went online dating two days later.Married someone very quickly and appeared to worship the ground she walked on ( last time I cybersnooped, but don`t know now).I cybersnooped to put more salt on my wounds and also because I wanted to see the justice done, and yes, him getting in trouble but I had to let it go for my sanity, I was recycling that vomit. I was even tempted to report him but he has children who`s mum ( his first wife) died and they`ve been through enough pain already.
I wrote an unsent letter to him but it came out more like me justyfying my reasons to him. This article of Natalies has been sinking into me slowly and I want to write new letters which are going to be very short, I haven`t got a lot to say to those bastard AC`S and also I feel like I begrudge them my time.I am going to have a little burning ceremony, must wait for kids to go out !
It took me so many years to get over my divorce. Sometimes we cling onto the fantasy we created in our minds instead of the reality of the actual situation. Once I truly let go, a whole new world opened up to me. But it was definitely a choice. It just took me a little longer to get there.
Sushi … maybe an unsent letter to you? You are really taking lots of responsibility for a grown man’s behavior, especially when you take into consideration what you went through as a little girl.
lo j,
unsent letter to me is a great idea and will do this. I felt that I HAD to make him change as it it would wipe out what happened to me as a child and an absolute agony that he didn`t and translated it as me being not good enough. Then went on to blame myself for thinking and expecting that ( more or less like shouting at myself: “you are unforgivably stupid!” My dad is a shouter, how fitting. But now I`m just separating his and mine behaviour and responsibility, and my responsibility to myself was to dump his sorry arse and not blame me. I think that this is how I feel.
Dancingqueen
Two summers ago, I had the misfortune of spending a week in northern Texas at a conference so I REALLY feel for you. I did, however, rescue a couple of awesome cats from death row. Nope, the rent I’d need to get for my house is far above the means of most folks here and the vacation rental market here is already saturated. Nope, AC is not worth my spending my old age in poverty for. A previous friend left precipitously in part due to him, has tried to rent out her much smaller home; it aint working and she is in deep trouble. Wherever I go, I’d need to buy a place because I have many animals; they’re all I have now. A shame, this is a cool place; I am watching the sun hit the two highest peaks in the state; too bad the community is sooo damaged but that’s what happens when a place historically is centered around resource extraction rather than ties to the land coupled with waaay too much tolerance for drugs and alcohol abuse. I always thought that there would by a supply of retired professional folk from the arid urban/suburban metastasis down the hill that would be glad to escape the place and live a more sane life in the mountains but I was wrong. Right now, I am just biding my time as AC may not be around much longer which would improve the work situation. Meanwhile I check the jobs weekly but theres not much out there for an older senior level academic.
Natalie,
I feel humbled by what I have read in your articles particularly this one.
It’s 8 months on from a 7 month relationship where i was his rebound and then he went back to his alcoholic ex who was the love of his life from the get-go.
I have moved on but i was so badly hurt and damaged by him that I still find it hard to let go because i dont know how to.
But, reading this, fingers crossed, i hope that it might help me because obsessing/ruminating and all the what-ifs etc can make a person go a little crazy! thank you xxx
Love this its something to live by.
I had been in a long distance, long term relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He lives in england for his profession and I live in NY. We had made plans for me to move there and for us to eventually get married. We had, what i thought at least, a healthy, happy and loving relationship. He was my world and I thought he felt the same way about me. I spent ten days with him at the end of November, the visit was amazing. Nothing out of the ordinary what so ever. He fly back to the states before the christmas holidays to spend them with me and his family. I call him the day before christmas eve to see what time his train gets in and he says “I’m not coming, im breaking up with you” and hangs up and shuts off his phone. Now im freaking out and he wont respond to me for five days. Eventually he sends me an email with some bullshit excuses like “we’re in different places in our lives” ect. I have been contacting him asking him to have a conversation with me so I can ask questions and understand. I had my life on hold for three years for this man. We had planned a future together. He refuses to answer me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m completely lost and every time I think of him or the situation I am thrown into a panic attack. I just want closure.
What about if it was me? I pushed him away. I had several opportunities where things could’ve turned around and I just did it again. It’s been two years now, and he’s moved on and I made it disastrious in the end so he probably doesn’t even like the sound of my name, not that I would interefere because I wouldn’t. How do I move on?