This post was originally published back in 2006 and had such a huge response I had to take it offline as it was causing problems with the server. It’s now been republished but you can see the updated version here:
1. Have your escape route planned.
If you have any sense of self-worth planned, don’t be banking on being the other woman forever. Either get the commitment you want and be the starring role instead of the understudy, or get out. Set a time limit and stick to it.
2. Don’t be burning up energy making empty threats.
Sometimes an ultimatum is needed to bring things to a head, but if you have no intention of actually following through – you’ll look like a dipstick and then he knows that he doesn’t actually have to make a decision. An ultimatum is an ultimatum for a reason, meaning there should only be ONE.
3. Do tell someone.
But ensure that you tell someone who isn’t going to blow the lid on things. Keeping things to yourself will be a big strain emotionally and you need someone who you can confide in, sanity check things with and who will also tell you that you should be doing better.
4. Don’t get pregnant in an attempt to force his hand.
The only person you’re ‘trapping’ is yourself. A baby is for life…not to use as a tool to get what you want.
5. Get a life.
Don’t make him the focal point of your existence and don’t be afraid to spend time on your own and certainly spend time with friends and family. The better you feel about yourself, the quicker you’ll come to your senses about being the other woman. Also if you make him the focus of your existence, it gives him supreme control and makes you very dependent on him. Not good!
6. Don’t be doing the chasing.
How can you be spending so much energy running after a man who is throwing you the crumbs of his attention?
7. Keep it real.
You are the other woman. He belongs to someone else, this isn’t a good indicator of how much he can be trusted and he is probably having sex with his girlfriend/wife. This doesn’t mean he loves you – it means he’s greedy, indecisive, cowardly and a cheat.
8. Don’t slag off the girlfriend or wife.
It will do you no favours and makes you appear to be jealous and childish. It’s a difficult situation but he is with this person, and whatever reason he has come up with being with you and cheating on her, he hasn’t left her and he’s still with her.
9. Don’t turn into a stalker.
The moment you feel yourself going off the rails and wanting to follow him, cut up his clothes, follow his girlfriend/wife, hang around at his kids’ school, fake pregnancies, fake diseases and any other devious or attention-seeking carry-on, it’s time to abort the mission and bail out.
10. Don’t cope with being the other woman.
Get out and be with a man that isn’t someone else’s. Take off the rose-tinted glasses and particularly if you have been with him for an extended period of time, you need to let go. It doesn’t take that long to leave someone. He is emotionally unavailable no matter what he says. If he really did love you, he’d put himself in a position to actually be with you properly. Don’t let him convince you that he is the best you can do for yourself. You are better than playing second best.
Recently added article: Breaking up and getting over married men
If he’s cheating on her, he’ll cheat on you just as quickly. Don’t fall into this trap.
I like #8 — don’t slag the first woman. You picked him, for some reason, to mess around with. If you are finding value in him, you have to also honor the rest of his life — including the wife/1st girlfriend. If she is really the bane of your life, you have to ask, how is he different from her, in relation to your life?
Besides, you don’t have nasties come back to haunt you if you play respectful to everyone.
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Living well is the best revenge
Speaking as an “other woman”, take Tips 1 and 6 and remember them. I just made the decision over the weekend to end what I’ve had with a married man (who is also a neighbor and coworker) for the past 3 years.
This affair has taught me a lot and with work this will be my last time of being the “other woman”.
Stuckey – Sing it!
Brad K – Absolutely true. The trouble with playing with someone elses man is that some choose to play dirty as they think it yields results. It often doesn’t…
Sue – I am very impressed that you have made the break although I don’t know how you managed to do all of this with a neighbour and co-worker! Thank goodness you know that you’re worth more than being the other woman.
I’m involved with a married co-worker. I just got out of a divorce and am not ready for a real relationship so I thought this would be the ideal situaton (no strings attached, just physical). However, the guy has developed feelings and is now telling me he loves me and is also calling/texting/emailing me at night when his wife is in the other room. It’s getting out of hand, this was not the plan! I see him every day at work and I don’t want to stop being with him yet (it makes for great lunch hours) but I do want him to realise that it’s just a physical thing and that I don’t want it to turn emotional. He wants to see me at night and in weekends too, he is saying he is ‘addicted’ to me. What should I do?
I am 28, he is 29 and has a wife and 1 year-old daughter.
Hi Kim – He wants what he can’t have. If you were all over him like a rash and being uber available, he would be cool as anything. This can’t go anywhere – the wife and the 1 year old daughter should be enough baggage to scare you away. In these scenarios, even with the best of intentions there is always one party that feels or wants more than the other. It’s too late – it has turned emotional, at least for him. From the way he is behaving, it sounds like the type of thing that you should cut off. The work situation only adds to the weight of things and this could all turn ugly. You’re not only seeing a married man, but also having an office affair – abort the mission and run like the wind.
I don’t see how this can work as it sounds like you’re already in too deep – I don’t recommend that anyone play 2nd fiddle and your situation sounds far too complex for you to continue. Good luck!
To add to this, I have been TOW for over three years, I didnt choose to be here, it was 8 Months in before I found out he had a wife at home (the benefits of having a job that allow you to to travel means you can hide lots).. I stupidly thought I could entice him away from his wife and over three years later, I am still in the same position, desperately in love with a man who will never leave his wife but continues to promise me he will do so. I have no friends left because I isolated myself from everyone, spent my time ‘waiting’ and my family have all but deserted me after judging me and becoming frustrated with me. I left my husband and sold my house and rent now as he promised me that if I did this, he would ‘be with me’ – that was over two years ago, now, six nights out of seven I spend them alone, half my salary gone on rent I cant even afford to go out and socialise and now I have to move somewhere cheaper, instead of this nice house, I’m going to some rooms in a shared house with my son, I used to own my own home! He says I made the decisions to do what I did and he isnt responsible, I disagree, he pressurised me into selling, he pressurised me into leaving my husband and he pressurised me into renting a house that was way above my needs as it suited him to visit somewhere ‘nice’ because he promised a lifestle to me he was never prepared to deliver. My situation isnt unique, on the contrary, unless you go into a relationship with a MM with a set goal in mind and stick to that goal, there are so many other women like me out there wasting their lives and time waiting for something that will never happen. I cant understand how anyone can profess to love someone and continue to deliver false promises and manipulate so that they can have their own physical and emotional needs met with little or no regard for the emotional trauma that causes TOW. It’s despicable. And yet, here I am, still waiting, torturing myself over my own stupidity at staying with him. It’s easy to dish out advice its so much harder to take it and act on it but to any OW out there… dont end up like me, find the strength from somewhere to get out ! If he loves you, he will leave and follow… staying with it, giving him what he needs out of some misguided thought that this is the way to entice him away is not the way to do it. I know I have to end it, my head screams this to me but my heart screams just as loud not to, to keep on hoping.. I love him but I cant have him and the sooner I face up to that the sooner I can walk away and move on. I am moving in three weeks, a fresh start and changing my phone numbers. I just hope I can find the strength to stop all contact and move on. In time the hurt will go away and I know that in doing this, the hurt I feel every day of my life, that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach and the tightening in my throat will go away too. Please, please see early on that nothing good can ever come of being TOW, if he hasnt left within 6 months he WONT ! If you dont want him to leave, you shouldnt be seeing him in the first place because if you dont get hurt, someone will. I am worth more than this and so are you.
Footnote: I am hurt but I know I will get over this. In the last three years, I have learned more about myself than I have in all the years of being an adult. I know that I will never have a relationship with a MM again nor will I be fooled so easily next time but I also know that I am a decent human being with lots to offer and I will find and love someone else. I have had some of the best times in my life over the past three years and learned what it really is to love unconditionally and thats worth something right? even if I didnt go about it in the right way. Not all men are like this and I am not happy with the woman I have become but I can change back to the woman with values and self-worth. This experience has taught me my worth after knowing what it feels like to be worthless. When you hit rock bottom the only way is up. I am ashamed to say that I have considered ending it all, of course, I realised that this was to punish him, but stupid if I am not here to see that and so much more easily done just by phoning his wife and telling all, but why hurt her? What’s she done? It’s a self inflicted state, no one did this to me, I did it to myself. I simply trusted and believed the wrong man, thats all. Lesson learned and time to move on only I do it with my head held high and will take pride in myself knowing I did it without causing too much damage or none that cant be repaired anyway. My heart goes out to anyone going through what I am, I wouldnt wish it on anyone. I’m not bitter, just burned. Burns heal and we can hide the scars..
Wow AMF!My heart really does go out to you. It sounds like you are on the road to recovery and I’m glad. Your MM sounds duplicitous and lacking in any responsibility for his actions but I am glad you have put the onus on yourself to make a change. It is all to easy to get sucked into the lies even though the MM may not see them as ‘lies’. It sounds like you have sacrificed a lot to be in this ‘relationship’ with this guy and I urge you not to sacrifice another moment of your time on him. You deserve much better.
I have been married for many years and I am messing around with someone who has been married for almost 30 years. We both enjoy our time together and do not make any promises to eachother. I have children who are grown and him and his wife have none and never will. I do love my husband but he loves his job first and foremost. For some people this works and others it doesn’t. For us it’s just friendship because neither one of us wants anything more from the other.
This is an interesting arrangement Maggie where it is possible that it can be harmonious but this can only happen when there is no emotional involvement and no repercussions. I would describe this as friends with benefits and I would just be careful that you don’t invest too much emotionally and that he’s not the one who gets most of the benefit. The moment you feel a change in your emotions, I would bail out fast. I know that there are lots of relationships like yours that exist and your husband choosing to place his work first and foremost means that he has stopped putting your relationship and your emotional needs first. Everyone needs love and to feel desired and it’s easy to see how you have sought this comfort elsewhere. Just be careful…
Emotionally, I am a wreck right now. I am married, 35, and have a child. Communication long ago broke down at home. A year ago I met a wonderful man while I was out of town for a concert. We exchanged email addresses. By the time I was back home he had emailed me. That’s all it was initially, then we began to talk on the phone. I knew I would return to his town a few months later. We were both in lonely marriages. Finally it was time for us to see each other. It was two of the best days ever. Great chemistry, laughs, you name it. It was a first time affair for each of us. He is 47, married and has 4 children, 2 at home. He is a very involved father and for all outward appearances, the perfect man in general. He scared me because he seemed to good to be true. For the longest time he was just head over heels and I held back my emotions. I wasn’t sure if I could ever leave my husband and hurt my child that way. We had ups and downs. Our relationship was mostly by phone due to distance, but we would see each other whenever we could. We would talk for hours everyday. Nine months into this, during the course of our most wonderful night ever I told him that I love him. His immediate response was the same. It really felt like we had turned a corner, despite not knowing what the future would hold for us. A month later I saw him again and had a great time. That night when he returned home his wife was waiting up to tell him how her best friend’s husband (and her boss) had been cheating. He got to see up close and personal the devastation it caused that family, all the time having to act as though he would never consider such a thing. Their families had a vacation to Atlantis planned for later that month & he & his wife were asked to counsel the other couple. And the spiral began. He started to seem distant, like he was pushing me away. We saw each other two more times before they took another family vacation, this one to visit his parents. When he came home I knew he had been thinking. He decided that he was just not the type of person who could bring so much pain to two families, despite having strong feelings for me. We had talked before about not leaving family just for one another, that it should be for other reasons. He still feels loved and needed at home. His marriage is not perfect, but he does not want to put his children through the pain of divorce. He has been married 22 years and he says the guilt is eating him up inside. Part of me can understand all of what he has said. The other part of me is devastated. I want to hold on so badly and have tried. He makes some comments that are confusing as to his intentions, future, etc. Although I would be with this man today if given the opportunity, I had no time frame in mind. I would wait, but that likely just makes me look foolish. It’s killing me knowing he is with her. Not that it did not sting before, but now it seems all hope is lost. It sounds crazy to say about a married man that he is “the one” but that’s how my heart feels about him. His best friend always told me that he is a good guy and would likely never leave. He’d say the things I loved most about his friend were the things that ultimately would keep us apart. Damn this hurts.
Bama, I know what you mean. I have been involved with a married man for just a little over a month now. He makes comments that also confuse me. He says he will leave but wants to do it on his own terms. He doesn’t want his wife to take him for everything if she knew about me. He has 3 kids, but says he just doesn’t want to hurt the youngest one. I tell him that since they fight in front of the youngest child, she is being hurt anyway. I have been around the kids though they don’t know about our connection. He tells me he loves me so much & has never felt this way before. I’m falling in love with him more & more too. I just don’t know what to do, but I do know that I don’t want to be the other woman that waits for years. He is 10 years older than me (I’m 24). Sometimes, I think of all the other guys that ask me out, but he seems so mature compared to the guys my age. Now, he is making comments about moving out and even calls things “ours.” I have also been told by his family members that they don’t see him leaving, but they do see the wife leaving. They’ve said that she has repeatedly said she is definitely leaving when the youngest child can understand. Everyone tells me how she treats him like crap & he does everything for her. Of course, it makes me wonder why she is unhappy. It’s hard not to think the man is the innocent good-doer, but I don’t know what to do. I just needed to let this out to someone. I’m so young and confused and just don’t know what to do.
Bama – This sounds like you are expending energy on something and someone that has already made their decision and moved on. Hard as this may be for you to hear, he has made his choice and it’s not you. I know that occasionally it works out with married men, but the bulk of the time it doesn’t. The odds are stacked against you. If he still feels loved and needed at home, he has used you and been more than a touch greedy. Maybe having his wife present someone’s elses ordeal did shake him up and it should shake you up. I totally understand your unhappiness because there is a lot of emotion involved here but the best thing that you can do now is accept what has happened, have your time to heal and move on. Put the focus back on yourself and your relationship and whether or not you want to work at it.
You most definitely shouldn’t wait – that would be a waste of your time and remember that the relationship has been built on dysfunctionality. It feels good and it feels like he was the one but it’s been borne of something that is wrong for both of you, albeit for different reasons. My thoughts are with you and you will find the strength to deal with this.
Green Eyes – If anything, learn from the pain and devastation that you see in the comments above. Your situation has the hallmarks of hurt and pain and I would save yourself from it. Telling you stuff about ‘ours’ is just a rather canny way of giving you a false sense of security. There is no ‘ours’ when there is a wife and kids in tow – If he wants to be with you, he must make a decision. Right now you’re getting the crumbs of his life. Don’t listen to speculation, listen to what your gut is telling you and read the signs. He’s not being mature – he’s being cowardly and taking advantage of what he perceives as your relationship naievity. Don’t waste your time on him.
Im the other man,i’m going through a divorce (nothing to do with the lady I’m seeing) and met this woman 18 months ago. Cutting a very long story as short as possible, she has a young daughter and is 26 herself. She has one failed marraige under her belt (the husband asked her to leave as he had affair – ironic really) She left with their young child and met the man she currently lives with and they have been toghether for several years. We have been seeing each other on and off for 18 months and more recently she says she wants to move out and get a place but is scared because of her child. LAst month she finally said that things had got to a point and that her and her chap were going to go to counselling, from her point she wants to separate properly with no blame attached to anybody and not hurt him by there being somebody else. She didn;t plan to meet and fall in love but has. Me well I dont know what to believe I find myself wondering things like are they still having sex, will she really leave am I a mug. Tehre seems to be more signs from her that she is preparing to leave but how long do i wait (i know there is no answer) but i need to get this out of my systme before I go crazy!!
I don’t understand how men can lie to women who they supposedily “love” and cause so much pain…. What a kind of man can do that to us… How can they betray the trust of two when they lie to both and still try for stuff…
I have just yesterday found out that I was another woman…. My boyfriend of a lil over a month has been hiding from me the fact that he had another that he also loves.She was a complete bitch to me and I said nothing to offend her but when she attacked my character. I feel hurt that I once shared his attentions with her. I ended it and want to just be his friend now… He says he’s sorry but that makes the pain worse… I thought I had matured over the summer but why was it so easy for everything to go wrong
Thank you for this site!
I have been crying for 3 days now making myself sick………over what I thought was the best thing that came into my life…….turned out to be the most painful heart reching, draining, not only me, but my bank account as well.
I have to realize I’m worth someones true love, not this false awful feeling i have inside………I gave it all, and I’m feeling used and betrayed…..
I hope no-one goes through this experience….
I learned I can feel again……..but never will trust or do this again…….
Jazzy – It’s very interesting to hear from a guy…because it turns out that regardless of the sex, the same excuses get trotted out. Mind advice, don’t wait. Get on with your life – if she really wants you, she will sort herself out on her own time and pick up with you when she is available properly. As in no excess baggage… When I say get on with your life, that does mean exactly that. The problem with the party that has the partner to leave is that knowing that someone else is eagerly awaiting them allows them to drag their feet. I wouldn’t give her that comfort and you deserve better.
Min – That woman is just taking things out on you. It’s her lying toerage of a boyfriend that she should be attacking the character of. I certainly wouldn’t be his friend – he doesn’t deserve it as he should have been honest and not involved you in that deceit. At least if you’re gonna be the other woman, have the opportunity to make that decision for yourself, not have it made for you. And there is nothing wrong with your maturity. If anything, ask the right questions and look out for signs that he’s hiding something. Don’t be too quick to get swept up in the hype.
Susan – Well Susan, you described the reality of being the other woman very well. Look at what this chump has done to you! I’m glad you recognise your worth and do NOT allow this episode to steal your trust. Learn from it and never devalue or place yourself in this situation again.
NML – great advice I’d kind of gotten to the same conclusion and went out with an old flame tonight, and it was so refreshing I accidently left my phone in the car but not checking it for texts and messages was actually quite refreshing. ITs amazing how we slowly change our behaviours and think that crumbs are actually worth waiting for. Its not because I’m needy and have a fear of being on my on that i fell into this relationship, quite the opposite i dont struggle meeting and talkin to women, i’ve just fallen in love with the wrong person and it is wonderful (as love is) but soul destroying (as love shouldn’t be!). So I am making no decsions but I am taking steps to put my life back on a track that stops me ‘waiting’.
How do you eat an elephant – one spoonful at a time!!!
Ive also fallen into a deadly trap.
Ive been the other woman for 2.5years now, my boyfreind is 17years older than me and has a 2 year old child. We got together when the baby was on the way.
I keep asking him to make a decision and he says he will be with me, on the other hand he says the decision is too hard, esp as he has a child. I know what the final decision will eventually be, he won’t choose me. I know that now. Back in january his wife read one of my texts and went ballistic but he denied everything. I should have stopped it there but didnt. Why? Because I love him.
Everybody says how can you love someone who still loves someone else, who gives you so little of his time? I didn’t choose to love this man! I just ended up like this. I fell in love with him and he with me. I know he really does love me, but the marriage he is in gives him no reason to leave. I do understand his predicament, but on the other hand I hate being 2nd best, always being let down never being first choice.
Ive given myself until the end of february 2007 I just hope when the time comes i can be strong enough to stick to my decision. All i can think is that I don’t want to give up someone who i love so much. We work together also and this makes it even more hard, knowing that if (or when) we break up working together will be that much harder. I keep holding on just incase somethng does happen, but i know it wont. Its been 2.5years so why would it be any different now? I know what i need to do, i just don’t want to.
So many people in the same situation, and me too. I have only been with mine for four months.
I was in a bad relationship when I went onto a dating site and randomly got talking to a married man. He has a wife and two children but we clicked instantly. I told him we were always just going to be friends and nothing else and that I could never do that to his wife. That was fine so we carried on talking. We told each other our problems he told me about how his marriage isn’t a real marriage anymore after sixteen years and that for the past six years she has pushed him away and won’t have sex with him anymore, I felt so sorry for him. They got married at such a young age. I in turn told him about my relationship which I ended up finishing shortly after.
After months of chatting online and eventually offline for hours at a time, we met up and were instantly attracted to one another, soon we began dating and then things got a lot more serious.
He is a true gentleman, and definately the nicest guy I have ever been out with. He promised me he would leave his wife as he has been unhappy for so long and that he wanted to marry me, he even started looking at engagement rings and gave me his ring to wear “until he can buy me one”. I met his friends and even his brother.
Then things suddenly took a bad turn. He suddenly put a lot of pressure on himself to finish things with his wife and became depressed, so (stupid me) I told him he shouldn’t put so much pressure on himself as it is not healthy and is not doing him any favours so he took his foot off the gas and became relaxed about it all. This was no good either as it started appearing to me that he no longer had the intention to leave.
Then his friend died who was the same age as him and had a child the same age as his kids. He went to the funeral and saw his friend’s child grieving and naturally this got him thinking about his own situation. He missed his kids so much and so has put me aside to spend more time with them and is now saying that he isn’t sure what to do.
He doesn’t think he could leave his marriage because he doesn’t want to ruin his children’s lives, at the same time he doesn’t want to leave me and ruin my life. So now, he has stopped talking about it and has become very non-committal, saying he just wants us to get back to how we were.
This whole thing has left me confused and not knowing where the hell I am. My best way of thinking is to just leave him to it, after all he does belong to someone else and I couldn’t do it to her or their kids, the guilt would just eat me alive. I never wanted a relationship with a married man in the first place and I have never been in such a complicated situation!
I should also add that the period spent with his kids (the past two weekends) has now come to an end and he seems a lot happier and back to his old self. He and his wife do not live together but he goes home to the house he has a mortgage on every other weekend. Next week we will be spending almost whole week together. We still talk on the phone every single day, the only thing that has changed is that he is frightened and he doesn’t know what to do.
KAZZA – I dont envy you, but i would say this Do not underestimate the emotional pull in leaving your children behind. He is in a very sore place but beware if he is in any way unsure he is doing the right thing then the pull to go back will grow! I separated from my wife twice, the first time I went to the house at weekends ‘to see the kids’ but my ex-wife wanted me back and was oh so nice. I went back after several months(i didn’t have anyone else it was just a separation.) The 2nd time i left for good it was very painful and again noone else was involved but it may have confused things for meif there had been, even though I was very unhappy in my marriage. In short i would suggest that you give your man some space (i mean weeks not days, keep yourself vey busy make plans for you and look after yourself, he has made a big step in your direction and 4 months isn’t really a very long so take your time and dont push in any way. Be there for him but find support for you its not easy for your heart to be up and dosn all the time. Hope things work for you!!
Jazzy – I laughed at that saying! I’m glad you’re gonna get your life back on track and you’ve won half the battle when you realise that loving someone doesn’t involve feeling bad about yourself or the relationship. Good luck!
Deluded Fool – There is no point in having a deadline if you aren’t going to stick it out. What you have going on is not what love is about. It’s not just about playing 2nd best – if he really wanted to be with you, he would be. He had his chance to get out when his wife found the text message and he made his excuses. 2.5 years is a very long time and I know from experience that if he hasn’t made the break by now, it’s unlikely he will. Even if he did, by the time he did you’d be an emotional wreck and you’d be unlikely to enjoy it. It’s difficult to recover from the other woman status. I suggest you make a break for it asap and break the cycle. Good love doesn’t feel bad.
Kazza – I’ll tell you exactly where you are – No Mans Land. I can totally see how you’ve been drawn in but what your man is doing is giving you just enough to keep you in. He is giving you a taste of what it would be like if only his circumstances were different. The thing is, his circumstances aren’t different and that’s what you need to deal with. I appreciate that a couple of things have happened to sway the process, but where you got suckered is when you gave him carte blanche to take the piss by not having to put himself under pressure to leave! Jaysus! That’s like handing him the cake, the icing, the whole bakery! He likes having his cake and eating it. If you were offered the cake, you’d eat it too – it’s human nature. I can’t see how this will work with him. I suggest that you break away and leave him. Properly. Get on with your life and if he wants to be with you, he will make a proper break for it. If he comes back offering the same crumbs, tell him to beat it. He’s not the nicest man in the world – He’s a nice guy that’s cheating on his wife who has a kid. I’m not sure how nice that is…
Jazzy – I do and don’t agree with your advice. I’m not foolish enough to assume that people don’t fall in love when they already have somebody else, but where I get irked is where they fail to put the ‘affair’ on the backburner so that they can attend to the issues at home. It would be nice to see someone not hedge their bets and try to have their cake and eat it, do what they need to do with the current partner and family and come back when they have sorted their lives out. You are right about the emotional pull but if that is so great, he shouldn’t be messing with someone else. He should be sorting his life out before he messes up anyone elses!
These comments are amazing. I see people at all different places in their lives, having all different experiences and holding all different points of view.
Speaking from the perspective of a married woman who has cheated before and had to rebuild her life and her marriage from the ground up, I urge you all to be very careful. I am still married to my husband, but years ago I cheated with his best friend … the oldest story in the book, I’m sure. Eventually, I told him what was happening–just couldn’t keep it from him anymore. He decided to stay with me, and I was grateful.
But things will never be the same. I have hurt him worse than anyone ever has before. He’s lost his best friend that he had since high school. He is a great person and tries to get past it, but he isn’t there yet, even after years have gone by.
I did not escape unscathed either. Since consumating my doom, I lost my self respect. I do not think myself a stupid woman … but I did an unbelievably stupid thing. I lost his best friend too … someone who had been my friend for a decade. Socially, it’s been detrimental, even though we never quite told anyone what happened.
I say all that to say this: stop now, while you have the chance. Or … if it’s too late to catch you before you do the unthinkable and cheat on your spouse (or be involved in causing this pain to someone else), stop before you make it any worse.
I’m sorry to sound so weird and foreboding, but start fixing it now. You have no idea the pain that lies ahead of you if you don’t.
hi…i don’t know how much sympathy or advice i can get seeing as i’m sure there are so many people in similar situations. this month it has been a year since i started my relationship with a married man. we met at work and still work together – a fact that will make it very hard when i know this fantasy i am living will come to an end. i want to hope i can be the 1 percent that makes it but in my heart i know i’m not. he’s very nice to me but i also know that he won’t leave because of his young son. i’m sure there are other reasons but i don’t ask him and he doesn’t tell me. i pour my heart out to him and he only says enough to keep me coming back for more. in the beginning he said all the right things and he was very, very hard to resist. i left a stable relationship feeling i had some real connection with this guy that i didn’t have at that time with my current boyfriend. to make a long story short — i’m stuck. i know i love this guy and i cry more than i laugh anymore. i am getting jealous of the time he spends with another girl at work and he denies they have any “connection” but i can’t stop thinking there is more between them. but i feel like i shouldn’t ‘make waves’ so i am constantly apologizing for my behavior and accepting his. i don’t know if anyone has any good advice or stories…i’ve read probably everything there is and i am smart enough to know what the right thing to do is. i just can’t walk away from him.
thankyou thankyou thankyou for this site! It is so relieving to be able to share stories with other women in this horrid situation. A lot of my friends have, over the years, been involved with attached men and believe me i was always the last to know as i disapproved so much. Well, here i am in exactly the same situation, so much for being smugly judgemental.Im seeing a married man with who has two kids under the age of 3 and im head over heels in love. He did all the chasing but eventually i gave in and now he has seemingly cooled off. I dont see him anywhere near as much as i used to, his messages and calls are less frequent and all i can suggest is that my time as his mistress is now over. I feel hurt and humiliated and have got to end this, hopefully when i see him this weekend.Im heartbroken and cant tell anyone, my friends who do know quite rightly tell me to finish it and dont want to hear ‘but he’s a lovely guy’ as clearly he isnt. I hope and pray for the strength to NEVER do this again. This site has helped so much, especially the checklist of ‘do’s and don’ts’! but i still feel so stupid, selfish and scared…was my self-esteem really this low?
I became TOW after listening to the endless stories of misery he endures being married to his wife and how much he wanted out and how he WAS going to make that happen. Yes, I bought it and was very much enamored with the idea of being with him myself.
He left her, then went back, then left, then went back, then left again. Then the wife found out about us and demanded that her husband get home and behave. He did.
Whatever screwd up dynamics they have going on in their relationship, they obviously function that way and have for a long time.
In the meantime, my self-respect has taken a nosedive of immense proportions. He still complains and still makes moves on me, but fortunately I am no longer fooled by illusions of his leaving nor of our ever being together. In hindsight I am grateful I didn’t end up with such a weak man.
The complete anger I feel is what has made ending this tolerable for me. Anger at myself for my extreme lack of judgement and anger at him for being so spineless. There is a reason they cheat on their wives alright, and it is most likely because they fall short of being a real man and deserve neither the wife or TOW.
Can anyone help.
Been seeing a MM, my boss for too long now. Knew it was never long term but things just happen. All was well till this last “session”. Now he has gone very cold. Insists nothing wrong but I know something is not right. Feel gutted. Need advice please
Hi NJM – Listen to the gut. If you think he’s being distant, he is. If you’ve been with him for ‘too long’ then you must know him pretty well. Remember, he won’t have the balls to tell you straight out as he will want to avoid confrontation. Sleeping with the boss is a no no unless you get the proverbial keys to the castle and you know it’s a sure thing. It’s one thing to be the other woman but to mix it with work is not worth it. It’s only made marginally better if he actually left the wife to be with you and you know that isn’t going to happen. Who knows why he has gone cold but it doesn’t matter because your situation is a dead end one that is very messy and will ultimately cost you the most. Cut your losses and don’t pursue him or an answer for his behaviour. Get out of this as quick as you can. You now need to decide if you still want your job and if you do, it’s all the more reason why you must be professional about it and cut it off. If you don’t want the job, get out as amicably as possible so you get a good reference and remember never to make the mistake of sleeping with the boss. Married is a major NO NO but him being your boss as well is a one way ticket to disastaer.
Hi Jazzy/NML,
Thank you very much for your advice (10/12th Sept). Things haven’t changed at all and I can’t see them changing so I have since done the right thing and finished the affair, it’s only been a couple of days but I know it is the right decision to make. As you say NML if he wants to be with me he’ll sort it, but I’m not holding out for him and I’m not going to accept no crumbs!
At least now I’ve learnt my lesson, a married man is a married man, no matter how they word it dress it up etc etc the old cliches are true!
Thank you again for this page and for your advice. 🙂
I can totally relate to “stupid girl”‘s response. I too said I would never become TOW. I have been in my relationship for about 2 1/2 months now. I was head over heals in love (still am I think) and now I feel that things are changing. Him and his wife are expecting their first child next year (before i came into the picture), yet i pretend like this is not going to happen. He can’t possibly leave her now.
I have compromised a lot of myself and now i feel like there is not much of me left so i might as well hang on to whatever. I am developping the “who’s going to love me now!” complex.
This saga has not successfully ended yet like the others. This is hard. He doesn’t really want to break things off, yet we are struggling to make sense of the relationship.
My current questions is, how does being TOW work with the guy having kids?
Footnote: I have read through all the commentaries and wow, its like looking in a mirror. Thank you all for sharing!
Silly Girl, I definitely recommend that you run a thousand miles. It doesn’t make it better when there are kids involved, but when there are, you’re potentially hurting them too. I am glad that reading the comments has helped – be sure that there are many married men saying the same thing and many women going through what you are. But let go asap.
Silly Girl, my xMM also has an infant and the child is THE glue holding the two sickos together. Feel compassion for a child that has been put in that role in life and do yourself a huge favor while you still have some self-respect and aren’t consumed with overwhelming guilt and run like the wind. In the future, he WILL use the child as an excuse as to why he can’t leave even though he swears his love for you and not his W. However true it may be, it still leaves you begging for his meager handouts.
My advice is to take off any rose colored glasses you might be wearing and realize that you deserve so, so much more.
Alse, be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. From what I’ve learned of those who did actually “hook” their MM for good, they eventually find he was NOT the prize they dreamed of. And they usually cheat again.
Hey,i’m also speaking as the other woman. I must say that it is the hardest thing to do. It’s been with the same guy for the past year,though he’s had a 2 girlfriends during that period of time. Why he didnt wanna be with me is beyond my thoughts but here’s alittle advice. I think all the rules are awesome and they are definetly accurate. I think the key thing is to not start falling for the person. Being the other women, your always second in line, if the wife/girlfriend cant give than he’s comming to you. Unless your always his first resort then its different but falling for him in the worst thing you can possibly do for yourself. It’s tough not to with all the physical attractions and what not, but be strong and try your best to get out of it. Nothing’s worse than being the other woman for the rest of your life.
Thank you SMARTER NOW, CYNICAL, and ANTONIETTA for your comments and encouragement. I am 27 years old and floundering around in this thing. I made the biggest mistake of my life being intimate with this guy…as of my last blog i feel like i am becoming more and more addicted to this guy. He say’s he’s addicted to me. Things in his relationship with his wife are mediocre. Its a wonder they are having this baby. Like what you mentioned smarter and cynical, the baby will definately be the glue! There is no doubt about that. That’s what they are channeling their relationship energies into. Now, I do think of the child but i also struggle with jealousy-because his time demands are split with baby prep. Typically I am not a jealous or envious person. All these ugly attributes are coming out of me because of this situation. I don;t plan on being around for the arrival of the baby. All the women blogging on here seem so strong and were able to muster up enough to walk through the door and not turn back. I question whether I have that gusto. I want to stay and I want to leave. I want to forget this mess yet I can not. As a final note, I thought about confronting his wife. I have asked my girlfriends about this and their split 50/50 on the matter. What do others think? My reasons for telling would not to be to gain the guy cause I know he would never want to see me again if i do speak to the wife. In my heart i don’t think she will leave him, because they are financial secure and comfortable. As some of you may be able to tell, i am at the height of my confusion!
Silly Girl,
My xMM’s W did find out (though not by me) and called me non-stop, screaming, crying and very heartbroken. It was terribly painful and terribly sad. Needless to say, I became the local homewrecking harlot. Mind you, I did NOT pursue him at ALL. It was entirely him and only after he assured me that his marriage was dead in the water and he was leaving. He, on the other hand, marched back home with his tail between his legs, ashamed of getting caught and is being a good boy now.
I’m much older than you and perhaps somewhat worn down from all the drama that is life. I’d rather be alone than deceiving and being deceived. Furthermore, I’m a firm believer in the karma payment plan. What comes around, you know…
In any case, she’s probably not as stupid as he or you think and I would doubt she’s going to kick him to the curb – especially now that a baby’s in the picture.
As cold as this may sound, you are a diversion for his mundane traditional family life and I have no doubt he is addicted to the excitement that you have brought him. Ask yourself whether you are going to be satisfied being a diversion. If the answer is yes, then you probably have bigger issues to deal with than being the OW.
Given the hypothetical and statistically highly unlikely situation that he left her for you, what on earth would make you think he wouldn’t get bored eventually with you as well and seek this addictive excitement elsewhere.
As the OW, we frequently fool ourselves into thinking that our relationship, situation, whatever is different. Don’t let that happen to you. You’re young and not so far into this thing that you can’t take the high road and reclaim some of your self-respect.
Sorry for the preaching. None of us are any smarter or any stronger than you. We’re here because we ended up where you are. Just want to save some poor soul the agony if it’s possible. Nobody wins in this game.
Brutally honest and true. I’m leaving.
I am 33, married for 15 years with 5 kids. Since June I have been having an affair with a co-worker 15 years my senior, who is also married with 3 kids. His wife found out about us 3 weeks ago, and he has been staying with his Dad ever since. The wife then called me Monday because she heard he and I were together Sunday night, which we were. He says he loves us both, but needs to reconcile with her if he can…for the kids sake. I love him, but I know what will happen here. I must move on and forget about him…and thank God my husband didn’t find out…
Im 20 yr old and haven been having an affair with a MM for over a year now, he has 4 kids and it was never ever an issue that he woud leave them, it started as a bit of fun but we got closer and closer nd ended up fallin in love with each other. now im head over hells in love with a man double my age and am finding it incrediably hard at the minute, iv tried to break it off lots of times but then i remember all the wee things that i will miss and i get in such a depressed state im uncontrobable. i dont want to end it as im too in love with him but its tearing me apart at the same time but i know if we finished it id be in a worse state. he knows im hurting really bad and wants to end it cuz feels shit cuz of what im going through but I cant bare the thought of it. I just fell in to deep with this man, not what i expected in a million years.
here i am 26, great boyfriend of 11 years, and on one holiday trip halfway around the world i met a great guy….12 years older, 2 kids, nice wife….and i fell in love……he never talks about them, why?…….and he gets angry when i mention them….i know it should stop, i am not stupid, but he is just so much fun….i am feeling so guilty, i feel like i am gonna ruin his marriage….but maybe he is ruining it himself?……maybe wants to ruin it?….one thing is for sure if i leave he will just find someone else to cheat with…..and that is sad
I once believed in true love and that love could conquer all.I got involved with a married man four years ago, I to had a boyfriend and two kids. Neither of us know what came over us when the first intimate encounter happened.After that we comunicated by email daily for eight months.The connection became so strong that I no longer could stay in the relationship I was in at home so I ended it.The quilt was killing me as my boyfriend and I had been teenage sweethearts and best friends for 15 years.I had no expectations at all from this MM.We continued to talk and also started meeting and the connection was so strong we could not look at each other without the physical attraction.I started dating other men as I did not feel he was going to leave his wife because of the importance of social status to him.He saw me out on my first date and told me he loved me (the first time these words were exchanged)I continued to stay strong for a bit and continue dating. He ended it with his wife and I ended everything I had going on.Shortly after he told me that he needed time and space to be himself.He would hold parties at his home not invite me,never take me out in public.I was devestated, started taking medication for depression, missing work,crying in front of my kids.It was terrible.He played catch and release with me for 3 more years.I had a friend who helped me through this which then turned intimate.The MM then told me he wanted it all so I ended it with the BF and went back to him for a week.In the meantime I read his email and found that he was having contact with an old girlfriend (now married with children) who he was trying to coax into coming over to his house. It completly sent red flags up as to what kind of a human being is this and I bolted. I ran right back to the BF. After that the MM started making my life hell.Showing up in my driveway while the new BF was there,calling and asking him to speak with me.Calling me at work crying and begging.I was trying to play peacemaker in that I didn’t want anyone to be hurt. A month or so later I realized I did truly love the MM and left the boyfriend again only to have the MM say Nope! This has gone on for over four years and I have no doubts in my mind that love is involved in affairs but the way they are handled should really tell you a lot about the person and how they would be in a relationship with you. It is heartwrenching. It seems the other woman is needed at times but not truly wanted most of the time.
wow – it is so nice to finally find a corner of the internet for other OW who are not judged!
i am 36 and have been with my MM for 2.5 years. He says he will leave his wife when his kids are ready (they are 3yrs and a baby of 3mths – they didnt think she could hav more kids so didnt take precautions….i dont waste time any more trying to work out if thats a lie or not – last november was a very painful time….)
I left my hubby about 6 weeks ago, i just couldnt go on with the lying and cheating. he doesnt seem to mind and the marriage is dissolving with the faint interest it was conducted (i havent told him abt the affair)….my teenage kids think we are on a break as i live near by and they treat it like we have two homes – so no nasty split and no mentally scarred kids, and i thank the gods for that every day.
I ask my MM if he really will leave his wife and he categorically states that he really will…when the time is right. Im not stupid, so i know to judge this on what i think. But why are head and heart so intent on disagreeing.
But my situ is slightly different in that i dont really know if i want him to leave (typical woman!).
We talk EVERY week day, 45mins on a morning, 1hr at lunch and 30mins at teatime, and any chance he can call. We get to spend one full day a month together which is AMAZING. and we spend 4-5 hours a week together, just shopping or the cinema/bowling etc.
I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me 100%, he tells me at least once a day.
but now that ive separated from my hubby i have all that MM love and loads of independance too. I do what i want when i want and no hassel. Do i really want to give that up and have him come to me full time? and if not, why do i seek reassurance that he will leave her?!
so i guess i need to know:
1. do you think he would really leave his wife one day?
2. am i stupid for wanting him to
3. is it unrealistic to think this situ will persist and ill stay happy?? (which as any OW knows, the lows are as extreme as the highs..)
Id love to hear your opinions if you wont judge me (and will politely decline to answer anyone who does) at tiamoorework at hotmail dot co dotuk.
But thanks, for just putting ‘pen to paper’ in this little corner. its nice to know im not the only one…. 🙂
well my situation isn’t quite as bad as some of the rest of you…i’m 21 and i’ve only just started seeing a guy from work who isn’t married but has been with his gf for 4 years and has just moved in with her. we meet up once a week and have been sneaking kisses at work but can’t exchange mobile numbers or email cos his gf might find out, so we can only talk at work which again is really risky cos people are starting to suspect things. he says to me that after christmas he’ll break up with her cos at the minute she’s in the mode of ‘our first christmas in our new house’ so it’ll kill her if he does it now. the thing is its totally killing me that he goes home to her and i can’t even ring him or kiss him or hold him when i want and she gets to do all that. i asked him if he felt guilty about what we were doing and he said he does a bit but he feels more guilty towards me when he’s with her. now i might be being totally naive but i think we’re gonna really get together cos everytime we see each other we like each other more. i haven’t told him how much its killing me and stuff, in fact i was thinkin about stopping it until he’s actually broken up with her. i’m still undecided about that though cos i don’t know if it’ll be worse doing what we’re doing now or not being able to be with him, even to share him with his gf, at all until after christmas or however long it takes him to break up with her. another bad point is he might think i’m giving him a kind of ultimatum, as in ‘we can’t see each other anymore until you’ve broken up with her’ and i don’t wanna put him under pressure cos that might mess it up completely. god my head is sooo messed up at the minute, i just don’t know what to do
I’m not naive. I’ve always known things like this existed, but I guess I just never thought that I would actually become an OW. I’m a 23 yr.old college student, currently seeing my instructor from my past two semesters. He is 26 yrs. old, and just recently married 4 months ago. We’ve become friends over the past semesters, and at the time they weren’t married yet, but recently things have gotten more than just being friends and we find ourselves sneaking off somewhere to spend time together. This guilt is just eating me up. I also have a boyfriend who isn’t around much at the moment because of work, which makes it even easier to hide around.
At first, i wasnt too concerned. I thought it was just something for the moment. They fight. I’m around, and he runs to me. Fine i could handle that. I wasnt expecting anything out if this anyway. I have told him this is something we can’t make a habit. However, our conversations are getting more emotional, unlike before where it was just a bunch of jokes, and intellectual stimulating topics. He’s second guessing his marriage, which i must say, has not been very long. There is no such thing as divorce where we’re at. I dont want him to leave his wife either.
I just have no idea how to end this. We see each other in campus. He calls me. Texts me. E-mails me. I wanna end it but i dont know how and part of me still dont want to because i do enjoy the time spent together, especially the conversation. But I know it has to end. Anyone have ideas how to end it gently?
I’ve read all of these and I know you’re all right but I don’t know how to break the cycle I’m in because for some reason I don’t want to. I’m in love with a MM who has 3 kids and have been for 5 years. I left my husband for him in 2003. We have this connection that keeps us coming back to each other. The last time we got back was in July this year . He said he wasn’t prepared to live his life without me and that all the reasons he gave me for not leaving before – he could deal with this time. I believed him. He has told me he needs to do it his way for the sake of his kids as if his wife finds out he’s leaving to be with me again ( yes – she knows about me!), she’ll stop him from seeing them and life will be awful for them and him. His way was to move out of the family home and buy himself another house where he could spend time with the kids and get them used to the idea. Sounds like a reasonable idea but when he moved out before, he totally absorbed himself into his kids and we hardly saw each other. It was awful. He said it was the guilt and he just needed to do it. We kept arguing and he decided he couldn’t do it after all and went back to his wife to have the family unit. That was 2 years ago and we’ve back and forwards ever since. His wife got pregnant again and while he said she tricked him, she wanted another baby in her life and so their baby boy was born last August. He left her to come back to me while she was pregnant but sure enough – went back before she gave birth. He came back again 2 months later with the same promises but couldn’t see it through again and went home for Christmas. When I’ve not been with him I’ve some how managed to get on with my life but it’s been so hard. I met someone this year and had lots of fun with him – but the MM came back on the scene and I dumped my guy for him again. It seems as soon as I move on and get my confidence back- he’s back and I fall for it all over again. So here we are again – but 3 months on I’m going out of my mind. I ask him most days what progress he’s made and we just end up arguing. Last weekend I decided I’d give him an ultimatum – move in with me lock stock and barrel – and be honest with his wife and tell her and we can work things out from here, together – or it’s over. I’ve never given him one before. Yesterday was D Day. He came over – without his bags and said he couldn’t give me what i wanted. He said he couldn’t risk not seeing his kids which would happen if he moved in with me and he had to protect them as much as he could. He says he’s still leaving her but needs to do it – “his way”.
I feel lost. i wish I had never done it cos I feel – God help me – it’s better to have him in my life in some way however crap – than not at all. What kind of person does that make me?
You all talk about strength and self worth – but right now I don’t have much of either and I want him back. I feel like a desparate weak woman with no pride and I just want to either rewind or fast foward. Anything but be here right now.
I think we all need to be stronger women. Men are totally different creatures from us. I have spent 6 years picking the wrong men, with the last relationship ending badly just afew days ago, when I found out I was the other women. I make no judgements on women, who can do this, but I know for me, it kills your soul!… because the closer you become to someone, the more your going to want them… Lea I read your situation, and my advice, quit while your ahead, before you get too hurt… It’s hard being treated badly when you love someone, but you do get through it… it just takes time.
Really love this site!
My situation isn’t as bad as some of the stories on here. I’m 26, been the OW for almost 6 months now. Guy isn’t married, been with the girlfriend for a little over a year. He pursued me; I had no interest for months. Situation is a little different (or, at least that what he tells me) – says he is ‘stuck’ in his other relationship b/c his family is more in love with her than he is (also, it’s a race & religion issue). Tells me I’m the only one in his life he can ‘talk to openly’ and that he wishes he’d met me sooner. From the start, we said it’d be physical, no emotions attached, but I think we both know that’s not true. I’ve told myself that I will not allow this to stop myself from living my life (i.e. finding another, available guy who can make me happy). And I am open to it, but I really care for him and want to see where it goes. He doesn’t treat me badly, but the attention has been dropping off. When I am with him, it is clear he wants more than a just a physical relationship. He has alluded to wanting to meet my family, and has offered to introduce me to his siblings. It is a constant game of tug-of-war between us – we each give a little and then get scared and back off. I know this is unhealthy. Any advice?
I think the question we are all asking here is ‘why do we do it?’ If you truly love someone, you would do anything for them and do anything to be with them. Why then, are these men not reciprocating that?
Also, if we did end up in a relationship with them and they cheated…HOW WOULD WE FEEL??? Be honest. I would be devastated, hurt, humiliated, heartbroken. But, what we are saying is, ‘we have reasons why it’s okay to make another woman feel like this by having affairs with their loved ones.’
I know its hard. I know its utterly heartbreaking. But the bottom line is, where is OUR self-worth? Why do we not believe we are worth more than this? That we deserve someone wonderful, who WANTS to be with us, no matter their history or circumstances. We all have baggage after all. But a man with an ex-wife and kids may be looking to make a fresh start and re-build a happy life with someone else. A man with a current family, no matter the state of the relationship, is NOT free to make a life with you. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CAN. I’m sorry to sound harsh, I guess I’m only just waking up to the fact that my self-worth, self-repect and sanity are worth more than countless nights waiting for a snatched 10 minute phone call.
I’ve been married for 19 years and have two kids. I’m 36 years old. I have condemned others for stepping outside of their relationship. And now I find myself in that very position. To a certain degree, I wonder how I even ended up here. I have a history of being abused, by both my step-father (physical, emotional, sexual) and my husband (emotional and mental). As a result, I’ve taken the abuse out on myself and am a larger woman. I never thought any other man would ever want me. And, quite frankly, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop with my new lover.
I’ve known him for three years. We work on a project together for a particular organization. We’ve always been able to talk and we have always flirted with each other. I thought it was all in fun. About 2 months ago, we ended up sleeping together. He is only the second partner I have had in my entire life. It took two weeks for me to get him out of my head. We live miles apart so we can’t call one another and we don’t see each other with any regularity. Emails have always been sporatic and are still so now. I find myself longing to talk to him about anything just to keep that connection. About a week and a half ago, we slept together again. That night, I mentioned that I wasn’t sure if the first time was the last time and he told me it was up to me. He also told me he wasn’t sure how regular it would be because our lives aren’t regular. For the three days after while we were still on a weekend away on business, things were a bit awkward between us because of the people we were around. He still flirted, as did I, and you could tell the need was there between us but neither of us acted on it. I just want some sort of indication of whether or not it will happen again. I don’t want him to leave his significant other and I don’t want to run off into the sunset with him, either. I want my friend back, but with benefits on the side. I want to be able to talk to him about it yet don’t feel I can in case I scare him off.
There is one small twist to all this. There is another man, as well. Met him through the same organization and the same project. Yes, they know each other. I have slept in the same bed with him (about six months ago) and we have fooled around (not penetrative sex, though that really makes no difference). He chose not to go the distance because I am in too unstable of a situation right now in my marriage. Things cooled for several months but he has now begun chasing again. He is married with a kid. Same thing, I don’t want him to leave his wife and I’m not interested in running off into the sunset with him.
I’m not ready to leave my husband. I care for him, but I know I’m not in love with him. I also know that this is an insecurity thing, but I can call it for what it is. I also want both men in my bed (not at the same time).
I’m not sure I can handle any of this. Help.
Last winter i met an incredible guy during the ending of my relationship. It seemed so perfect because he was at the ‘end’ of his relationship with this childs mother because she kept taking off on him. We hit it off really well and ended up sleeping together and i spent the weekend at his house. A few days after this i called him and go to call back, and then found out his girlfreind had decided to return. I was hurt but tried to put the whole thing behind me. A week later he called and said he was sorry and that he had made a mistake and wanted to try it again, and that he had broke it off with her. I gave in because i really did have a thing for him so i went back. We started dating and then i found out that she had actually left on her own for another man. Once again i felt betrayed but kept it to myself, but i started to feel like he was just using me bacuse he needed someone to be there for him. He used there son to see her and she didnt want me to have anything to do with there “family” so i wasnt allowed to go anywhere with the three of them if they had to do something for there son or even allowed to meet her bacuase that was what she wanted. I got into alot of arguemtns with my boyfreind because i didnt think this was fair. I basically lived there and i was always left out of things if she was going. Finnaly the arguements got to the point i couldnt trust him anymore and he couldnt deal with the accusations. 7 months into the relationship he said she had broken up with her boyfreind and had no place to go, so she was coming back. I was complelety devestated. I was expecting it in the back of my mind but i couldnt cope with the fact of it coming true, and started to blame myself along with him for the problems we had endured leading to this dexision. I didnt see him for a month but i still had alot of things at this house so i started to contact him to retreive them. Then one night i got drunk at a freinds house and called him, and almost in a blink of an eye he was on his way to see me. We ended up having sex and started having an “affair” behind everyones back, renting hotels and meeting each other places. He said he didnt want anyone to find out because it would hurt there son, and i agreed. he said he was waiting for her to leave again so it wouldnt be on his shoulders as the one who ruined there family. a month or two later she finnaly did, but a few days later she came back. Once i realized he had let her i complelty lost it and said we couldnt see each other anymore. It was so hard because i loved him but i couldnt deal with the sneaking aroud. that lasted about a week and then things went right back to the way they were. He got sent to work 4 hours away from me for a few weeks and i thought maybe this is what i needed to get over him, and i was doing great until a few days ago when he got in touch with me and wanted me to go down and see him. i tried to say no but i just couldnt. so i drove 4 hours to see him for the weekend while he told his girlfreind he had to work all weekened and it would be a waste of time for her to come down. i just cant stand it anymore hes got me so messed up in the head no matter how much i want to end it i just CANT. can someone please help me!
2 years ago i started university. I have no choice about where i live due to my employer paying for my accom. I live in halls and it is very close knit. I made friends with a guy in my class who also lived in the same accom as me. Within a month of joining uni we became very close and began having a casual relationship. I was happy with this as i wanted no commitment at the time and i also knew he had a girlfriend and a mortgage at home. This carried on for 6 months or so and i then found out his girlfriend was pregnant. I dont know if the baby was planned but i have reasons to think it was. Anyway, i broke off the relationship. We remained good friends but had no intimate relationship. The baby was born and within a month the relationship was back on. I never thought i would get emotionally attatched and i can honestly say it was all instigated by him. But as the months have gone on i have gotten feelings for this guy. We spend mon to fri 24hrs a day together but when friday comes he goes home and i dont hear from him till he comes back sun/mon. I tried to end it last week telling him my feelings but couldnt say it to his face so i put it in writing. He made it very awkward for me to end it i.e crying etc. As it was not what i wanted either i let my feelings get the better of me and couldnt keep to it so i gave in and everything is as it was again. I am not able to give him the ultamatum because it is christmas and the first xmas with his daughter. I dont have any ill feeling towards his girlfriend and his daughter as i know it is not their fault i am in this mess but i feel very strongly for this guy. My head is very messed up at the moment. Although im in a relationhip with this guy i feel lonely when he goes home. I have also gone out with friends and they have introduced other guys to me but i am the type of person that if i like who i am with i cant look at anyone else or sleep with anyone else. It is all driving me crazy. Why is it so hard to walk away!
I have been with “tony” for a month now. when this started i knew he had a girlfriend and three kids but i still wanted him. it first was just physical but now i have really strong feelings for him. I want him to leave his girlfriend but i dont think he will b/c of the kids. he says he doesnt love her he’s only with her b/c of the kids. the thing is he spends so much time with me. calling or texting me several times a day. sometimes his girl is in the same room with him. i have met his girlfriend once and i felt so guilty. i just want to be with him, i have been around his kids and i know i could be a good mother to them but i dont know what he wants to do. i dont know if he even is thinking like that. i have been TOW alot of times. always hoping they would leave their wives/girlfriends but it never happening. i just want to be in a healthy relationship with one man who i know loves me and only me. what should i do?
I’ve always thought of myself as a strong woman but in the past few months that thought is quickly escaping me.
I was married for 8.5 year and when we decided to go our separate ways I vowed never to let anyone that close to me again (my defense mechanism). Bought my own house, drive a sports car, make good money, have a great family (no kids) and lots of friends. I should be happy right? WRONG!
I’ve dated over the past 3.5 year but no one special and I liked it that way…I’m 29 now and feeling like the grieving time has come and gone and maybe it’s time to give someone a chance, not actively perusing anything but maybe time to let the old guard down just a bit.
And as luck would have it I met someone in the most unlikely of places. I was out to lunch with my cousin and he brought his friend along to kill two birds with one stone, have lunch with both of us since his time in town was limited. No problem, the more the merry! We had a great lunch and decide we would all get together when my cousin was back in town again. We exchanged phone numbers and left it at that.
He called me a few days later and we met for coffee after work. Had great conversation purely platonic and really enjoyed each others company. I never saw him as a potential love interest as he was engaged to be married. Would never do that to myself or any other woman, I know what it’s like to loose a significant other. But as everyone else on this site…I fell!
I loved the attention and time spent on me. We had NO physical contact for the first month and a half because he said he didn’t want our relationship to be built on physicality. Finally after I know we both longed for the physical touch we kissed and one thing led to another that night and he stayed with me every night since then, including their wedding night. How could I be so dumb to still see him, I DON’T know!
He says he loves me like he’s not loved in a really long time and this marriage was arranged before we ever met. He says the arrangement has complications and that he’ll end it with her in 6 months to a year. Even after the wedding he’s been in my bed every night. I want to believe that this is real but I’m too confused to think straight.
She found out about me last night and now it’s all out in the open. He called to tell me right away that she knew and that she would force him to call me and end things with me. He says he needs to smooth things over because of their arrangement for at least 6 months and then we can continue as planned. He says he wants to marry me and he wants to have children with me. I want to believe that this could be the real thing but I don’t want to fool myself anymore than I already have.
So confused please help me think straight! Any advice is greatly appreciated! Nice to see I’m not the only one!
Well I’m 30 years old and this is the very first time that I have ever been to a site like this in my life. I’m really glad that there are other people I can talk to about this, because I have no one else to talk to right now and I’m driving myself absolutely crazy keeping this to myself.
About two months ago I started a new job, which I absolutely love. When I started there, I met this girl that worked in my department that made me just laugh all the time and I felt like we had been friends forever. Well shortly after I started, there was a guy friend of hers that she talked to all the time on Instant Messenger (who by the way also works in the same company-same floor–within looking distance from my desk).
Well I made a joke about her one day, about her being short, and she told her guy friend about the joke. Well apparantly, this guy disagreed with my joke “because he’s her friend” and she told me about it. So I sent him an instant message (just to joke around about what I had said to her) and thats when this whole thing started.
He is a MM that has been together with his “wife” for 14 years (not married that long though). They have 2 children together (not real young). Now I just have to say, from the first moment I met and looked at this man, I knew that I wanted him in my life always. Just the way he smiles when he’s around me, the look in his eyes when we talk, the compliments he gives and the things he says to me, makes me want to just hold him near me at all times. I feel like a part of me is missing when he’s not around. I’ve never had someone that treats me like he does or makes my heart feel like this.
I was in a relationship for a little over two years when I first started working at my new job. And before this MM and I started talking, I had broken it off with my b/f, for being too overbearing and jealous (I couldnt even go out with my sisters without him getting mad at me). Well shortly after I broke it off with him (and I do mean shortly after), this MM and I were talking all the time on instant messenger at work, taking smoke breaks together just to “look” at each other. We met secretly after work just to kiss each other. He’s the type of man that even one kiss from him, I could last for days on, just thinking about them.
Well we recently had sex and it was the best sex I have ever had in my life. It wasnt one of those things that you say was the best, just because its “new” to you. I really mean this was the best. I’ve never felt this way about someone in my life when I was around them. One look from him and I cant stop smiling from ear to ear.
Well while we were together, he told me its really weird for him, because even when he met his wife, he never felt this way about her. And its really scary for him to think that he’s been waiting all his life for someone like me. He always asks me “where I’ve been all his life” and he knew that if he had met me a long time ago, he could have been so happy with his life. And I feel the same way. Every moment he’s not with me, or I’m not talking to him just tears me up inside. Now I know this sounds so corny, but this type of thing has never happened to me before and I’m lost. He said he feels like a stranger in his own home, and he wanted to leave her (even before I came along), but I dont know what to think. I want him in my life, and I dont know how to cope with this.
We were in a restaurant at lunch time the other day, and he grabbed my hand to hold it in his and kissed it “just so people would know that I was his”. He asks me all the time what I see in him, and ladies if you saw him you would know. He’s absolutely gorgeous from the top of his head to the bottoms of his feet and he’s the kindest, most sweetest man I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Well back to the reason I mentioned my friend at work. Her and I went out one night (the night after I first kissed him after work). And she was really tipsy and tried to tell me that her and him were having an affair. Now mind you, she told me that they hadnt done anything yet, but they WANTED TO. She said she really likes him. But when I asked him about this, he stated that they joke around alot on instant messenger, but it was nothing more than that. He said he came outside one night from work and she was waiting in her car, for him to get off work (a whole HOUR). Well he acted like he didnt see her and went home. He said it kinda scared him a little bit (that she would be waiting on him).
Now, I’m really good friends with this girl now, and I’m thinking that she only said that to me because she may have an inkling, that him and I are talking, and is trying to scare me away from him. I told him, what she had said about having an affair with him, and he instantly wanted to confront her about that comment. I asked him not to say anything to her about us, because she’s the first real friend I’ve had in two years, and she’s just a little nutty. Although he denies ever even touching her, and swore that he’s never wanted to, hasnt and never WILL touch her. It was all in IM fun. Which I do believe.
But, do I say something to her (so I can stop hearing the comments she makes about him all the time about how she likes him)? Or should I be afraid of her saying something to someone else in the company and getting me fired, because she likes him and cant have him?
And what do I do about this??? I am definitely giving this more time to see where it goes, but PLEASE if anyone has any comments, please let me know….I’m driving myself crazy thinking about all this and missing him on top of it…
Also, as a footnote to what I just wrote. He wants to tell our friend about us. He’s wanted to since we first kissed. So I know they havent done anything together (especially if he’s the one wanting to tell her about us). And just to throw a little something extra in our mix here ladies. His brother-in-law (sits right next to him at work). ANY HELP??
This is the best site ever. Thank you so much for sharing the tips on coping. I am currently the “other woman” and I hate it. He tells me that he loves me and takes me shopping for an engagement ring and met my mother. I have had lunch with his mother and had conversations with his children…it seemed so real, but then things go back to the way they should be and he stops calling because he is with her. Then I quickly come back to reality and see that I have been used and that I truly mean nothing to this person.
Well, where to start. I’m a mess for starters. I’ve been in a relationship with my son’s father for about 12 years. A year and half ago I met a great guy online. He’s married with 2 kids of his own. We live pretty close to each other and see each other weekly. We talk while he’s at work, never on the weekends. He’s another one of these men that say that they are only in a relationship for the kids. And we both said we can stick it out til the kids get older (yeah that means 10 or more years. I have never asked him to leave because like him I’m in a relationship for my son (you know not wanting to break up the family). The problem is… for the past year and half I can’t get the other man out of my mind. He’s all I think about. We connect like I have never connected to anyone else. He makes me smile like know one else. I love this man with all of my heart and he says he loves me in turn. The problem is recently I have had thoughts of wanting to leave my current relationship for him. I don’t think he would leave her. Should I ask him and if so how? Should I walk away? What do I do? Any suggestions? Has anyone else experienced this?
I have been with my MM for over 3 years. Everything has been pretty wonderful. It was never intended that it would turn into anything more than just a sexual relationship but it did. He basically classified it as being separated but living in the same house. They did nothing together and I saw him frequently and he called constantly. As of November 1st, they had sold their house and he had been away for two months. When he came back he was not moving in with her but during the move, it came out that she has stage 3 stomach cancer that has spread to the bowel. He now is spending 24/7 taking her to appointments, chemo etc and has no time to see me and is also afraid that if he sees me he won’t stay focussed on her and her difficulties. It IS the right thing for him to do. He loves his wife..as a friend…and they were together for over 30 years so it is something he has to do. It is just so difficult to be in my position right now as I can’t contact him, can’t do anything to help and so I am an emotional wreck, along with always being depressed in December which stems from my own divorce many years ago. Is there anyone out there who has gone through anything similar? At this point, her chances are hit and miss, 50/50 but I need something to help me get through this right at the moment. I spend my free time in the dumps crying and knowing this will do no good. I try to tell myself, this is how it is going to be for quite a while possibly and just to be there as I said I would be and go on with life. Maybe if things work out we will be together again but that means I have to wish ill on someone else which is not something I am comfortable with at all. I certainly know the drawbacks of being the other woman but never thought THIS would happen. We love each other and things were looking so positive for even a short time. Can anyone relate to this??
I see so much of myself in these stories that I no longer feel quite so alone, so to start with I want to thank eveyone for being so open and honest. I’m a 24yo student who can’t seem to get away from a MM that I used to work with. 2 years ago he and I worked together and that’s originally how our fling started. At the time I was still very naiive and got entirely too emotionally attached (though we never had actual intercourse) to him even knowing going in that he would never leave his wife and daughter. So, I was actually very relieved when he broke it off 6 months later and started a new job elsewhere. Now, here I am a year and a half later, older though apparently no wiser (though I admit much less naiive and decidedly playing on my own terms) back involved with the same man. And the reason we started talking again was because he had just broken up with another OW and needed some advice. I have no designs on him, and if he ever left his wife for another woman, even me, I think I would lose all respect for him. He’s a caring, loyal friend who I also happen to have a sexual relationship with, a FWB if there ever was one. I have no idea how long it will last this time, but I’ve decided that instead of worrying about it and making myself sick (like I did the first time) that I’m going to enjoy myself and enjoy the attention he lavishes on me. I know I’m not the first nor the last woman he will cheat on his wife with so I refuse to take the attitude that I am a horrible person, because if it wasn’t me it would certainly be someone else.
Thanks so much for this site. It’s truly wonderful. I’ve been TOW for 14 months. The script is the same as everyone else on this site. We’ve been back and forth so many times, but 2 days ago I ended it again but this time there will not be any phone calls to “see how things are going.” This site has given me the strength to do the “right thing.” My details aren’t so important as they are the same as everyone elses. What I find remarkable is that all of the emotions we OW feel are so similar. Could I really have thought that I was so unique in my situation and feelings, that no one else could ever have felt like this? It’s unbelieveable how naive I was. But finding this site has truly been so helpful especially knowing I’m not alone. Thanks for the support. I find myself taking it one hour at a time, finding all kinds of things to divert myself and praying alot that I can maintain my strength and determination to “finalize” it. Best of luck to all of you.
I dont know what to do. My story is a long one but ill cut it short. I walked into his office 6 years ago as a young naive law student and he was a partner in a highly reputable firm. He became my mentor and the more time we spent together the more feelings began to develop. Eventually before i went to Uni we revealed our feelings for eachother but he said that I was too young and beautiful and I would be swept of my feet by someone better than him so we didnt get together. But i didnt want anyone better, I wanted him. He had a girlfriend at the time who became his wife last year. She cannot have children and already has a failed marriage for that reason. 3 months ago he confessed that he regrets marrying her everyday as he is inlove with me and that he suppressed his feelings all this time. I began to see him 3 months ago and gave him a deadline of middle of Dec to leave her. He said he wanted to do it properly as he didnt want his wife to think that it was because she cannot have children. Now deadline is approaching and he hasnt done it as his dad is ill and this may be his last xmas with his dad. He says he doesnt want to put his family through a divorce when they are already worried about his dad and that it will happen at the end of Jan. I dont know what to do. I dont want to leave him beacuse I love him and I believe he loves me. But at the same time I want to have some dignity(or whats left of it) and stick to my word. Will i be too insensitive to do this at this difficult time? Its too painful to think that he is still with her and its eating me yo inside that i have to go through these feelings of guilt until the end of Jan. Help!
Over the summer, I started a fling with a MM. Then, back in August, we went out one Friday night, and ended up not coming back until Sunday night.
The next day, he told his wife that it was over, and asked her to move out. That night, he moved me in.
Now I’m stuck in the role of homewrecker and evil stepmom.
The moral of the story? Even when you get what you what, you’re still gonna be stuck in the shit.
CONFUSED – I would cut it off. It’s his dad now, what’s it gonna be at the end of Jan?
Good luck, ladies.
In response to a anotherwomen’s commnentary and all the the OWs out there. You can be free and you can be whole. About 2 months ago, I did not want to leave my relationship as noted in earlier blogs-even with a baby on the way (the wife). I was not budging. But you know what, I ENDED IT! So ladies, NIKE could not have said it better, “Just do it”. Its not easy but do it-cut it off. If you stumble, cut it off again. Keep trimming till nothings left of the relationship! Please, Save yourself the continual emotional hell that follows-the mental torment of “he is loving someone else and not you.” to name one. Whoever reads this, you deserve better and you can have it, and I know you know it deep down. Its just this loser guy is in the way. I am turning back to God now, and I know I will stumble, but I have to get back up for my own sake. As women, we want to have partners that are available 24/7 for all our needs not some, and will genuinely appreciate NOT depreciate our love for them in return. For a portion of us, we want children who’s fathers are present and committed, loving, kind and honest NOT deceitful and manipulative.I have opened my eyes now and I will just have to trust God to work out all the logistics. You can still care in your heart for the person if you so desire -but don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. My story echoes that of all the heroines of this website. I am the weakest chick out there where men and emotions are concerned but with a great support network I’m out and taking care of myself. So you can do it too!
100% LADIES, BEING AN OW NEVER WORKS DON’T BE FOOLED LIKE I WAS. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. Love to you all and be strong and courageous!!! Do not be ashamed you are not alone (obviously :-)) You WILL get through this and look back and marvel at your strength….
I’m new to this – am 40, have been single my whole life, and ALWAYS AVOIDED married men, like the plague. Until now. I met this guy in Sept., and we kissed passionatley in October, and I now find myself involved in a full blown affair. I’m crazy about him and he spends a great deal of time with me, and does whatever it is i need for me. He’s like hte perfect guy, except for the “being married” part. So I find myself high as a kite around him, but I also find myself starting to cry on a daily basis. I’m on this emotional rollercoaster and I’m sick to my stomach about this. I want to get out before I waste anymore time. If I ever want to have kids, I only have a couple of years left. But I’m crazy about him, and we get along amazingly on all levels – personally, and physically. I’m so drawn to him I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe that after all these years of avoiding this situation, I find myself in it now. Reading some of these blogs gave me strength, so I thought maybe writing one would, too. Thanks.
I have a question but not sure how to word it… I’ll give it a shot. When a man says he is in his marriage for his children but tells you that he loves you and really hopes to have the dream with you someday does do you think that he ever will leave? If he hasn’t left by now he probably won’t, right? Am I hanging onto something that is a dead end road? I need guidance from everyone. please help me out because I can’t handle my own thoughts anymore. All I have thought about for the past year and half is this man.
Hopeless……if it’s been a while chances are he won’t leave his wife. He’s keeping you on the hook with a promise of a life together with him. there is every chance that even though he says he’s staying married for the sake of the kids, he’s having his cake and eating it.
I met this guy 6 months ago through a mutual friend. We almost hit off immediately.. but in a very friendly way.. He was funny and corny just as I am.. and we always ahve fun together doing the crazy things. We both have many similarities and common hobbies.. so we spend alot of time together doing them. Soon teh chemistry grew and one day.. we had sex.. it was a spontaneous.. just happened kinda thing.. and i thought i could deal with it no strings attached.. but getting to know him more and more everyday… the webs started to spin and we grew attached to each other without realising it. His best friend.. well they are very close and he is alwasy affected by her moods and their arguments. I ahve always been tehre to comfort him though it.. The thing i didnt know was she was not just his bestfriend.. but.. He made a promise to her (before he met me) that when he was finally ready to start a relationship.. That they would see each other. Well i was totally oblivious to it.. until one day he confessed his love for me.. and saying he didnt know when he started feeling this way but he loves me.. I loved him too. Then his bestfriend came into the picture saying i was the other woman etc. Ahe made him choose between me and her.. like an ultamatum.. So since chronologically she came first.. I told my man i’d back off, not because i didnt love him as much.. but because i didnt know what to do.. if i should fight for him or not.. Now they’re seeing each other for about a month.. I want to be happy for them.. and stay out of things.. but it seems so hard to let go of all emotions. He still calls me.. and we’d delude ourselves now and then. I tried being mean and cutting ties.. it didnt work.. He tried cutting ties as well and that didn’t work out. I beelieve we’re both very in love but we can’t be together.. and that sucks. Our mutual friends told me that he’s been really down and he is still very much in love with me.. (wel i am in love with him too still) but.. if he could keep their “relationship” under the wraps.. or still “cheat on her” with me while being with her.. he could do that to me too! i can’t trust him as much.. but oh well i don’t know what to do.. I know.. everyone says.. GET OUT OF IT.. and MOVE ON!! I can’t deal with being the other woman anymore.. I love him and wanna see him. but if i don’t.. i don’t think i should still hang around.. but it’s just sooo hard!!!!! =(
*adding on to what i just said..
Actually.. After reading about the other ladies… I think none of us are really the EVIL OW like on TV.. we all just.. found love at the wrong places.. the wrong time.. or rather the wrong man.Admitting to being the other woman.. i think we all desereve a clap.. but doing something about it and suffering that crazy amount of pain.. Those who’ve done it. I dont know how.. I applaud you… in fact.. standing ovation! Teach me.. Cuz I dont wanan suffer the hurt anymore. I keep thinking if he really wanan be with me.. he would’ve.. then i also ahve the maybe we could just be friends again… but i know.. the feeling’s too deep and it’ll be almost impossible to keep a clean cut friendship anymore. TEACH ME!! i need to block out those crazy emotions..
Here’s my story of being the other woman. Earlier this year at the age of 59 I received an email from my first love, we were devoted to each other for 2-3 years when we were 13 – 16 years old. Our parents were instrumental in splitting us up as we were so young. He just wanted to make contact, he said, from middle-aged nostalgia, and had Googled my name and found me. Of course in the intervening 43 years we had both married others, have grown children, and in his case grandchildren. Now I’m divorced and living with a nice man in a celibate partnership of 27 years, quite contentedly I thought. My old love declared up front he was happily married. He has made a great success of his life and has quite a public profile. We live in different cities and exchanged lots of emails which got both hot and very loving, and were both enchanted with the people we had become. Of course we found a way to meet for dinner in a hotel room, both thinking we may not like what we see, but ready for what may come. It took about 3 minutes for us to realise we still had the same physical attraction and the love for each other as we once had. And in the intervening years we had learned a thing or two about sex and loving that needed to be expressed. So, in up to our necks. As time went by it was plain the sex was more important to me than to him, but there were only 3-4 opportunities for that. He is extremely
romantic and loved that part of our relationship, felt I was the one he was always meant to be with. I discovered I could write a decent very personal and erotic poem or two, which he loved. We discovered we knew how each other ticked, didn’t have to learn it, were amazed at how well we understood each other didn’t have to explain stuff. He got more out of our emails than I did, whereas I wanted physically to see him. But he is fundamentally a staunch family man (as I knew – from a closeknit family of 10 children who lived along the street from me) and loves his wife and family and found the deception difficult. Basically, things had just got stale in his marriage was all. His wife found out he was having an affair after 2-3 months, was able to find out who I was, and confronted him. So did his children. He broke down, not being able to lie anymore, and told her he was emotionally involved and then spent several days, including being hauled off to a counsellor, deciding which of us to be with. He had already told me he could live with me, and this is what he said to her in a fit of astonishing honesty. That was a hard time, neither his wife nor I emotionally able to take control of his decision. He asked in some anguish is it possible to love two women. Well in this case, yes, it is.
She was his faithful wife of 35 years who had helped him to become the success he is. He chose her. That was tough for me, but the right decision for him to take, consistent with his character and I respected him for that. And I knew I’d never be accepted by his family and friends, nor did I want the social expectations that would accompany being with him, nor in fact any expectations about my playing a domestic role, something I don’t need to do much of with my partner. We agreed never to have contact again. So painful for his family, and I. I grieved big time. I still do two months after it cam to a close. I told my partner who has been the most amazingly understanding and lovely man about it. But the fact is I love my first love. It’s Christmas and after two months of no contact yesterday I succumbed to emailing him a one line Christmas greeting. He rang me immediately. A lovely tender call, but to say no emails, too dangerous and potentially too painful for his family and he can’t bear to cause them more pain. That if his wife knew he was talking to me again she would leave him the same day. He said the past weeks had been the most stressful time he’s ever experienced, his wife and children still angry with him. But he remains determined to make his marriage work. But he said he thinks of me constantly, every day, as I do him, and he still cares about me. He suggested we talk sometimes, only on the phone, perhaps on special occasions. (By which I guess he means, our birthdays and xmas.) I’m so happy that he still thinks of me, I’m still special to him, that someone wants me in that way and thinks I’m fabulous (at 59!). But it’s so bitter-sweet. I want to be with him, yet I don’t. He’s the boy I loved, but he’s also become a successful and well respected, delightful man moving in a social orbit outside anything I could handle. I just want there to be a world where I can be his lover and it’s acceptable to have one, and to visit him for the odd weekend, and to know when he’s ill or unhappy and be lovely to him when his wife is angry with him. But I need to take little steps to putting this all in perspective, move on, and get back to enjoying the life I have, as does he. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how I’m feeling, this phone call has freshened it all up. And now I’m hoping again for something, I don’t know what, to happen next so I might get to see him again. And it’s true that when you’re older these things are harder to bounce back from. I’ve cried rivers. And I’d do it all again.
I like many other women have been caught in this “triangle”. Just a few days ago though is when I decided to leave after almost a year and a half into the relationship. Just like many other women I was lied to in the beginning and didn’t find out that he had a wife until about 6 months into the relationship. I decided to stay after I had a conversation with both he and his wife and both concluded that they were going to get a divorce. Here I am almost six months later, pregnant with his child, and he is not one step closer to being divorced. Actaully, two days ago is when I found out the news that he has decided to be with his wife once again. My advice to those of you who are out there and not sure whether or not you want to leave…LEAVE! Its the best thing that you can do for yourself. You don’t want to get “caught up in the situation” and have to live with what I go through everyday, knowing that I am carrying for a “man” that has a wife. The last thing that you want to do is bring an innocent child into a situation thats already jacked up!
Great site. I started dating a man – thought he was only mine. We dated for 3 months before he told me about the exgirlfriend who was still living with him, but moving out. She did move out and for a brief 6 months I was the only one. Boy did I fall for him. He started with the lies again and I ended it. He begged for me to come back and I refused. Eventually we tried the “friend” thing. We started sleeping together – I knew fully he was with someone else. I just found out that someone else is having his baby – he loves me he says, but its complicated. I keep letting him into my life and am thinking of asking him to father my child. I can’t believe what I’m doing. The guilt is tremendous – but I can’t stop myself from seeing him.
Just so you know it is not one sided …
I am “the other man” in a relationship. The woman is my childhood sweetheart and I have missed her for 30yrs. We have been together for almost a year and it has been a nightmare roller coaster ride. I am seperated, she says she stays married for the kids sake.
I am sitting here on my own writing this because she was supposed to be with me today. Last night she said her husband went out (with my brother – see below) and planned a late start this morning so she didn’t know if she could come over. I sent her a text this morning and it was delivered about 30 minutes ago but she has not yet responded – it was a poem. I feel pathetic to be sitting here on the verge of a breakdown because she has not responded to a text (and this is not the first time me).
I have told no-one about our relationship.
I feel she is in total control of if and when we meet.
I avoid family and friends to make sure I am free for her.
She won’t forgive me for being with a younger woman after I seperated though she had an affair with my brother only because “it was a moment of madness” (her son was seriosly ill for extended period) and he reminded her of me and supported her.
I can’t dump her because I love her and I won’t hurt her.
I feel she lies to me but I put it down to paranoia – I have never caught her out on a lie but then there is never much opportunity to.
She asked me to be honest with her and have no hidden agendas then takes offence when I am honest and has been really upset saying “you should have lied to me to save my feelings”
I have 11 people for dinner on Christmas day and have no interest what so ever in it. We have not been together for over week and when I asked her yesterday what was happening about today she said I was putting her under pressure.
My head is just wrecked at the thought that she might be ignoring me and that I might not see her or be with her over Christmas. I am alone.
I am supposed to be working until I started googling “coping w/ being the other woman” and here I am. It feels like home. I didn’t realize that I was the other woman, until I started reading AND I AM an addict of emotionally unavailable men.
I have been having an affair w/ my ex boyfriend for the past few months… well I have suspected he has had a girlfriend for the past 5 mos but we have been sleeping together randomly since April. The girlfriend who he also lives w/ was confirmed in the past 5 mos. It has gotten heavy & emotional w/in the past 2mos.
I have been off & on w/ him for 6yrs. This man is my heart. I have spent the better part of my 20’s loving & completely adoring him. He was my boyfriend, we met in 2001 & fell in love, broke up, but still talked… He has burned me a few times when he has met other women & stopped talking to me completely but he has always come back. I have gotten over him soooooo many times, but always let him back in. He even lived w/ me for 6mos in 2004 but I kicked him out after I found a hotel receipt in his pocket.
Oh *wow*… wirting this down hurts soooooo bad. My heart is literally aching & I feel choked up in my throat & I want to go home & cry & cry & cry. WHAT AM I DOING? WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF? WHY AM I CONTINUING THIS PAIN?? I DO THIS TO MYSELF!
So… he appeared again in April & wanted to say good-bye (come over & fuck) before he moved. (1hr away) So… I let him. He was drunk & I was sick & he told me about her… He said I met this girl & she has money (he has always thought that was the answer to everything) and “I AM NOT HAPPY”. I remember… I said “She will never love you as much as I do”… Then he said that she is always thinking I am going to cheat on her… Maybe that is why he came over… to cheat because she always said he would… And then he was gone & I was fine.
I dated a wonderful man from Russia who rocked my world, saw a few other guys who treated me well & who I was into… so when he came back, started calling & such, I would talk to him but I would stand him up, ignore his calls & avoid seeing him when he was “free”. Until I gave in… mostly for the sex… and I didn’t care… Until all my little boyfriends were gone & there was just him like always & it feels soooo comfortable & he is telling me all the things I wanted to hear SO long ago.
He tells me he loves me, and we will get married & have babies. Tells me I am the perfect person for him & he’s in this situation because of money & his mortgage & her helping w/ expenses. And I lie & tell him I will move to the town he lives in… He calls me on his way to work, way home & on his lunch. And sees me in the morning every other weekend when he is in town dropping off his son for weekend visits w/ his mom. Not only are we having sex, we are having an emotional relationship. Which is worse. For all of us.
It is hard to know I AM the other woman. There was a time when I wasn’t but I put myself into this role. I tried to pretend the girlfriend wasn’t real & this is okay becuz he was mine first. She’s not real to me… but I keep torturing myself w/ thoughts about her & their life together. I can’t fool myself into thinking they are totally on the rocks. He is spending Christmas w/ HER not ME. He is spending nites w/ her not ME.
He called me yesterday to tell me he is “free” tonite but this morning he said that he can’t stay the nite. So that is not free. He is not free. And neither am I.
This is the most painful thing I can do to myself. And I don’t know why I continue to do this. It is awful…
Back to work…
Hi Icarus,(who’s flown too close to the sun), I was wondering whether any men posted on this site. I’m the woman whose first love contacted me and started a bonfire (Dec 19th post). Meeting your childhood sweetheart again is a particularly poignant and explosive experience.
I’m supposed to be making Xmas nice for people too and can’t be bothered. Icarus, she may not have responded cos it simply wasn’t safe then. It’s fairly unlikely you’ll see much of her during a busy family oriented season. Force yourself, and focus on entertaining your 11 people (lucky to have so many to entertain!). We, and most others who post their stories here, have other people who need something from us as much as we crave something from someone who can’t give us what we want most. If nothing else, it passes the time and forces you out of your own head space! I’ve been tearful this week – reviewing my last lovely conversation with him over and over in my head. I decided the only thing to do is to try and not make other people miserable because I’m being a sad sack for some reason. Sometimes if you make yourself smile, it becomes easier to do and you get to feel happier in yourself. Least, that’s what I’m hoping will happen!
I am 22 years old. My boss, 10 years elder, initiated romantic contact with me. Long story short, his 7 year relationship to another woman was doing terribly. He left her for me after a month. We were together for nine months (over this period of time, conflict arose in my personal life and he was there for me 100%: my father died, I totaled my car, etc). I could never shake the distrust of his previous infidelity with his ex-girlfriend. We were about to move in together when he found out I had made several calls to his ex (under false pretenses). Long story short, he broke up with me. Two weeks later, he initiated romantic contact with me. This has been going on for 4 months now. I believe/know he is in a relationship with her whereas I am the “other” woman. My questions: Why is he doing this to his ex and now current girlfriend? What are his intentions? What should I do? I know I feel hurt and want to tell his ex that we’ve continued to sleep together after all this time, but I pause, knowing it’s out of malice towards myself and him. What should I do? I never thought I would ever be in this situation.
These stories are remarkable. Thank you. I’ll now add mine, for I’m one of the hopeful ones who is taking a different road tonight, thanks to what I’ve read here.
This morning, my MM sent me a note describing the guilt that he was now beginning to feel acutely as a result of our relationship, and the pain and confusion that was beginning to settle in as he grapples with the dilemmas our professed desire to share life together presents his married self with.
He and I still have all the “good things” going for us – the true love (and it is), the respect, the honor – save the indiscretion of our brief but intense and wonderful affair – the honesty, the play, the soulmatedness and fatedness – and we’ve not yet begun the pendulum swing that too many of the commenters above have shared, back and forth between the stay-or-go twilight world too many of you describe, for in our few-month-old relationship this is our first moment of real ‘comeuppance’ where the cards are almost out on the table and the time to lay out our hands is nigh.
And now that he contemplates out loud the prospect of leaving his wife, asking – well, pondering aloud really, but begging the questions – when is the “right time”, what would “hurt the least”, and how to “do it best” – and now that I’m hearing him properly (for he’s a good man, and this isn’t the first time it’s been mentioned, but I haven’t wanted to hear) it’s clear that he and I are standing on a slippery slope and to continue the deception with his family any longer is unhealthy for everyone concerned.
Before I connected with this site (thank Google!) my response to his very understandable and honorable worries about his life/marriage predicament might have been any number of what now seem like ‘canned’ replies, only because every script possible has been fully described by one of you here!
Every script save one, that is – and I’m hoping that I’ll be the one in a hundred – or the one in a million – that he claims that I am (and that one percent that this blog claims are the women that the MM actually do leave to join), and that I’ll have a new option of responses to support you here in this treasure trove of commentary that we all learn from when he responds rightly to my move on the chess board and chooses to join me.
That’s my prayer – and I’m sure it’s one you all know, probably much too well.
Tonight I’m preparing a reply to his note. I’d started it originally hoping to soothe him, but by the end of my reading this post I realized I have a bigger job to do. It’s not one I’m particularly happy about, because I would go on a bit longer in our bliss-world if I could – it’s wonderful here, and I’m not ready to leave! – and yet it’s been he who’s raised the spectre of his guilt and his dilemma (for I haven’t wanted to push it), and to gloss over it now, to ignore it, to refuse to take the proper fork in the road when the choice is offered – no, required – would be to start my own self down an irredeemable route that will only grow more painful. Best to take the right road now and save everyone the trouble in the future, growing my soul in the process.
So, I’ve written and shared this site with him (perhaps he’ll read this – perhaps he’ll wonder if this comment is ‘me’ – and perhaps things will go well, and all will be right in the end…). In my note I cite a number of other links that discuss soulmates, divorce, the personal cost of staying in the wrong relationship, and the importance of honesty (for I don’t mind weighting the deck just a tad in my favor – I’m not impartial, after all!!).
I read things at those links about integrity and truth that resonated with me, and I have to let them resonate and allow them to be real – if I don’t, life is just not that interesting.
And if I believe in the values I profess to hold – if I believe that honesty is important; if I believe that it is wrong to hurt innocent people in pursuit of my own gain; if I believe in only doing what I want others to do unto me – then life has given me a wonderful opportunity to express my beliefs, trusting that all will come out right in the end.
And so I tell him that it’s time to make his choice.
I have to tell him that I will not go into the new year with a deception in my life. I don’t have to see his wife and so I don’t have to live that every day, but he does, and so he commits deceptions in my name.
I have to tell him that he means more to me than almost anything in the world, but that not even he, if he loves me, would want me to be in this situation, and that I, of course, loving him completely cannot bear to see him in what will only be increasing pain over this untruth.
In my note to him I did my best to reinforce the love I feel for him, and to be clear that I wasn’t issuing an ultimatum (except for to the extent that any choice made by another becomes one for you if their act causes/moves you to respond.).
I truly believe he is my “One.” There’s no doubt in my mind.
I won’t cut him off from contact. I won’t be emotionally distant. I will be fully present and not back off in the least. I won’t be any ‘less’ in any way in the immediate future. But there is now a ‘date’ in my mind. He has the month of January to take a position and I will support him every step of the way. But he has to take the steps away from her and toward me, firmly, or there’s no point in going on. None.
I understand the pitfalls more clearly now. There is a line in the sand.
But there’s a catch I think you might enjoy. I won’t send this note til Sunday night – New Year’s Eve – (but I will post this comment now.)
In between now and Sunday night, I will practice something new I learned a few days ago. It’s at Joe Vitale’s website:
http://www.mrfire.com/article-archives/new-articles/worlds-most-unusual-therapist.html
It’s a technique to get the Universe to start co-conspiring with you to create a more positive outcome for yourself. It means that I can have at least 48 hours to have a go with god and see if we can’t tweak this thing to have an even kinder outcome, for it would, of course, be the absolute best if HE decided to make the choice without ME having to prod (at least not so’s he’d notice, and prayers – especially with a time crunch that even god could sympathize with – should at least be given a chance to do their work, too.)
Sometimes we strong women end up as TOW with emotionally distant men precisely because we don’t give them enough room to act, in their own time, but are continuously figuring it all out in advance, sorting it to a tee, and then frustrated when the other doesn’t take timely initiative. Ironic, isn’t it, that we end up giving them too much time after all is said and done??? So, this is my way of being subtle and letting god and the angels take a hand, “telling him how it needs to be” if he doesn’t get the picture through the aether, and then letting go if it comes to that.
I do hope it doesn’t, but I see the wisdom in taking action if it does.
Anyhow, thanks for letting me add another bit of yarn to the tapestry here.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Sometimes i think it’d be easier to be her than to be the ow at least she knows nothing I have to know that every morning he wakes up in bed with her and not with me. Married men say all the right things cause that’s all they’ve got to offer we don’t get the dinners the movies shopping that’s all her territory. At the end of the day for the few hours of amazing there’s so many of heartache. I’m crazy about my mm but if he loved me would he put me through this?? It’s such a lonley place to be when you need them they’re never there mostly it’s always on their terms. Is it all really worth it, I wish I could see int the future cause right now it’s a world of hurt…..
Hi everyone. I hope,despite the issues everybody talks about here, we all had a good Christmas? Christmas was a good one for me, but it’s tomorrow night that I’m not looking forward to. Im not the biggest fan of New year’s Eve anyway, but especially not this year. So Im gonna show my face at my friends party and then take off pretty early. Can’t face the thought of being told by drunken friends ‘we’ll fix you up next year!!’ If only they knew!So, i propose, anyone on this site who wants to organise a OW New years bash next year say ‘ay’! BUT NONE OF US WILL BE IN THIS SITUATION NEXT YEAR, GOT THAT?!!Happy New Year everyone, hope its a wonderful one, peace and love xxxxxx
After a year and half I finially ended yesterday. We are both in relationships with other people and we both stated that we were in it for our children. But recently I have felt the desire to take our part time relationship and have it become more. I know he would never do this. After months of having to deal with the pain of knowing that I would never have more I have decided to walk away. I’m hurting inside like you would never believe and question if I did the right thing. I’m at the point where I can’t help him out in his life anymore because every time he talks about “her” it just reminds me of my dream that I will never get.
I could no longer deal with the thoughts in my head and knew I only had 2 options. Walk away or stay and continue to torture myself, thinking about what they were doing together and how she was living my dream.
This time I told myself that I’m staying away for good, I just hope that I can. I’m not really a strong person and I’m full of heart ache.
Can anyone out there help me through this? What can I do to get me through this? Please help me, anyone.
Life can really suck sometimes….
Good for you heartbroken. Please try to tough it out. I wish I had your strength. I’m still seeing my guy. I can’t understand how I can allow myself into this – he doesn’t talk to me about his other life at all, but does try to come and see me at least once a week. I am totally in love with him and I don’t understand how I can let this keep happening.
I’ve been seeing an engaged man for a few months. I KNEW he was engaged when we became friends and things started developing. Until now, I’m so stunned that things turned out like this.
I gave him an ultimatum and of course, he chose his fiancee. But like a fool, I still hope that he can change his mind if he gets to know me even better. I know – and I’m truly hoping – that he’s not yet ready to get married. I don’t care if I become an excuse for him to not take the plunge. I just want him not to make that irreversible mistake. And then when he’s single, he could think of me.
I know that I’m being stupid and stubborn. But that’s all I want. I just want to give us a chance, but I want it to be clean. Is it too late? Am I crazy?!?
I wonder if my mm will ever come after me. I guess deep down inside I wish that he would, at least then I would know that he truly does have feelings for me.
It’s 3 days and I still don’t know how I’m going to make it through this.
Heartbroken, I speak from experience with this post as I was foolish enough to be TOW for 18 months. Whilst some relationships work out in the end from this situation they are in the very firm minority. If a guy is going to leave someone and be with you, he won’t leave it so long that it will do untold damage on you and on the other person. When this situation drags out it’s because they’re essentially having their cake and eating it.
It’s not easy to walk away but it is very possible, but it takes sheer will power and pain. Don’t tell yourself that you’re not strong. Find a hidden strength within. This is about putting you first and recognising that you are being thrown the crumbs. You wouldn’t be walking away if you were happy with the situation. The first month is going to be hard but there is a day when you wake up and suddenly realise that you’re OK. 3 days is not enough. Keep busy, see friends, family, work, or like some women, see a therapist to get to the root of why you’re in the situation. To get past this, you need self love and support from those around you, even those who don’t know they are giving it.
I met him about 5yrs ago, after being with him for a year i got pregnant, on my 8th month he had to go home to asia to renew his contract, he was there for a while coz there we’re problems with his dad.
So he met this girl got her pregnant and had to marry her on the spot ( as stupid as it sound in our country usually wen u get someone pregnant u’ll be pressured to marry them i know that’s not an excuse), knowing that i immediately broke my heart coz i loved him so much, but even so i know there’s nothing i could do to change things and so i did the hardest thing i could do i stopped all communications with him ( having a new born baby didn’t make things easier too), changed adress, email and phone number, that was more than 3 yrs ago our son will be turning 4 in a few months, i do know that all this years he’s been looking for us ( and yes all these years sadly to say i still do love him so).
Late last year i dnt know how he got my new addy and fone number, he called me wanted to see his son, i won’t usually have any problems with this coz he’s his son too im aware of that. But he then told me that he still loves me and never stopped looking for us and this and that… i have been resisting him for 3months and i dnt know wat to do coz i do still love him and a month ago i got a fone call from his wife telling me to leave him alone when it’s him who won’t let me be, ironically im the other women coz we both know that i was first.
I’m not even giving me or him any excuse and i don’t have any either, im lost i don’t know wat to do or i think i do give him up for the second time around and it’s not fair when i know that im the one who’s gonna suffer again and my our son in all that too.
Please help coz everyday im trying to find an excuse to take him back but i dont coz i know it’s not right and im afraid that one day i wont do the right thing…
New Years has brought no resolution to me being the other woman. I still am & it is still horrible… but I’ve seen him every week & am still floating from the high of being w/ him.
I have just added this post https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/breaking-up-with-and-getting-over-a-married-manattached-man/ for anybody who wants some thoughts on breaking up and moving on. Thanks for sharing all of your stories and insight and keep it coming. NML, the editor and author x
Well I caved in today and called him. He didn’t pick up his phone at work so I left him a message. I didn’t ask him to call me back…. just said that I wanted to hear his voice and was hoping that he was doing ok. He didn’t call me back, I knew he wouldn’t but at the same time was hoping that he would.
I think I have made the biggest mistake ever by ending it and telling him I did because I wanted more and didn’t want him to have to decide. I regret what I did but can’t take it back now.
All I can think about is emailing him tonight and calling him in the morning to see if he wants to meet up during his lunch. My day of vacation and I would love to see him…. What a mess I have gotten into.
I’ve been the OW for a little over a year, I fell in love with a MM who had a 4 year old and baby on the way – these facts alone should have been enough for me to run a mile, but for some reason I didn’t, I rushed headlong into a relationship based selfishly on my feelings for him. I was falling in love, that just took precedence over reason, over everything. I’ve never been in love before, this felt so overwhelming, I lost all judgement and perspective. He told me all the usual things about how awful his marriage was, they were more like friends who argued, they hardly ever had sex, they didn’t have a proper husband/wife dynamic etc. etc. He told me he loved me, he knew he should be with me, but it wouldn’t be overnight as he couldn’t face leaving his family and being a part-time dad. To be fair, he never said explicitly that he would leave his family for me, although he told me not to give up on him, to wait for him and so on. I fell for it all. I actually started to feel slightly more relaxed about the situation in the last few months, in between the regular bouts of sobbing and feeling lonely and desperate that is. Then 3 weeks ago without any warning whatsoever he stopped all contact with me. No explanation, nothing “happened”, we hadn’t argued, nothing had changed – just silence. I am devastated, and despite all the advice telling me not to, I haven’t been able to stop myself from e-mailing him several times (each one becoming slightly more hysterical and desparate than the last), wanting an explanation. I know that I have lost a huge amount of self-respect by doing this, I am just so confused and hurt, I can’t stop crying. How can he be so cruel after saying he loved me, we’d always be best friends no matter what etc. etc.?? I know all the warning bells were there from the start, I am just devastated at the callous and heartless way he has treated me at the end of it – I would still be devastated if he properly ended things with me but at least I would have some sense of closure – just stopping all contact with no warning just seems cruel.
Hi Emma…
I feel for you. I can understand what you are going through and if that happened to me I would feel as though my heart was ripped out of me. You poor thing, I’m so sorry.
I caved in and went to see my mm yesterday. I went to get some answers from him so I could close that chapter of my life. He poured on the emotions, told me that he loves me and that he doesn’t see anyway out of his marriage with out having to be the bad person. He says he wants a life with me but doesn’t want to make any promises he can’t keep… yada yada yada.
Today I sent him an email telling him that I need space… well stupid me called him around lunch to tell him a funny story. I do need space but can’t convince myself to do it. Like so many others I feel like he is my “soul mate” and that fate brought us together. I guess it’s hard to picture life with out him after all I have been dreaming of life with him for the past 17 months.
I know that I need to stop walking away and then going back. I just need to find a way to stick with it. It’s nice to know that there are others out there going through how I am feeling.
Too bad there wasn’t a chat room so we could talk about things as they happen. Maybe that will be the next thing that comes up.
Good luck to all and thanks for the support.
Hi Heartbroken,
Thanks for your support, I know what you’re going through too and it really does help knowing there are others out there dealing with the same stuff. I do feel like my heart’s been ripped out, it’s dawning on me I might never see him again which is too hideous to even think about right now. I also feel like he’s my soulmate and we are meant to be together, we just met too late etc. etc. What a total nightmare, I completely understand why you don’t feel you can make the break for good. I wish you the best of luck whichever way you choose to go. As for me, I don’t think MM is going to get back in touch with me, it’s been 3 weeks and he hasn’t replied to any of my e-mails – maybe in the long run when my heart heals slightly I’ll come to see it as doing me a favour, as I don’t think I could ever forgive him for treating me this way. It has certainly made me determined NEVER to put myself in this situation EVER again, I can’t deal with this much pain.
Here’s to healing and eventually to happiness, for everyone – got to live in hope x
I found this website very helpful. I don’t have anyone to talk to this about. I was seeing a married man on and off for about 13 months. I just ended it on Christmas. He has never taken me out on a date or bought me anything. The bad thing is he lives four doors down from my house on the same street. It’s very difficult to see him and his wife together. It makes me so angry and I am not usually like this. It makes me a tottally different person when I see them together, they never look happy. I wish we didn’t live on the same street. I have my good days and my bad days. I have to stick with this decision, he will never leave if he has his cake and eat it too. I sent him a text saying if he wanted to take me out on a date he would have. It doesn’t take a whole year to take someone out. I know he his physically afraid of his wife. She has a mental problem. He does whatever she says. Thanks for listening.
My question is this,
My girlfriend was recently widowed at 52 after 32 years of marriage. She and her husband were very close. She has a very dear friend that is an out of state truck driver and a married man. They talk on the telephone alot. The other evening he was in town and stopped in to see her. He didnt leave until the next day. She was embarrased to talk with me about it and did admit to sleeping with him. She says that she loves him and always has. If she didnt loose her husband she never would have told him how she felt. He said that he loves her very much, however he isnt going to leave his wife. He claims that he does love her.
Bottom line is I dont want my friend to get hurt. I think that she is very lonely and volunerable.
Can you advise me how tot handle this?
Lost
I keep coming back here to read what others are posting… to see what developments are going on in everyone’s lives.
It is so theraputic to read these stories. It makes me feel less alone in all this. I am lucky to have supportive & understanding friends but I try not to talk about it too much w/ them. They have been listening to my heartache for years. Now I sound like a supreme idiot to keep going on about it.
What is the saying- “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”??? I guess I feel ashamed that I allow myself to be treated this way. I don’t want to talk to these people who love, support & respect me & tell them all about how I have no self respect & don’t love myself… cuz that’s what it is right??
I mean how many times can my friends & family give me a sympathetic ear?? And since I am so sick & think I might eventually marry this guy… how would that carry over come next Christmas when he’s at my family party & the all know that he had a girlfriend who he cheated on & ultimately left for me??? I mean, my family & friends know him from when we were together originally but still…
Yes, yes, the affair w/ the ex boyfriend who has a girlfriend, I posted before if you didn’t read it.
So the latest… well, it is so sad… And again, I feel ashamed but I know those reading this post will understand.
I was stood up 3x’s last week by him. On a Thursday when I was going to get off work early, he never called. I had gotten all ready for work & waited & waited & nothing. You ask why I did not call him??? Well, because I DON’T HAVE HIS PHONE NUMBER. He told me that he didn’t want to give it to me cuz I would call drunk. To which I replied “When I am drunk, I am w/ other guyz”. Which was true a few months ago. But now it is not.
You think I would have learned my lesson come Saturday morning… but no. Same story, I’ll be there @ 9am. So after waking up early, getting completely ready, trying to look effortlessly beautiful, cleaned my house, made breakfast… he didn’t show… I recieved a call @ 2, him telling me he’d be there later… Then another call, he’d be there tomorrow @ 10am… I know you waited but I’ll be there tomorrow. Sunday morning… I was slow in getting up & ready… and by 1pm & let it sink in that he wasn’t coming… But still had hope for a call or an explaination.
Now, I will tell you what happenned next, altho it is another embarrasing story. I went to my balcony, took my boom box & started listening to some music. I also took a bottle of wine & pack of cigarrettes. By 2:30 I was wasted. So I took a vicodin that I found in my roommates medicine cabinet. What is wrong w/ me?
I didn’t realize I was in such bad shape over this because I haven’t really cried about it, or felt the pain. When I start to get upset, I block it out, distract myself, find something to keep my mind off of it… but the alcohol… took me to the pain. In the midst of the tears I started to cry as sat there in an alcohol induced stupor, my apartment manager came to the balcony… She asked me in Spanish (which I don’t speak but understand) “Why are you sad?”
I pretended I didn’t hear & then she said “What are you waiting for?”… I don’t think she meant it in the same context because she sometimes translates things & it doesn’t mean the same thing… but I said “Nothing.” And when she left, it all came out… “What am I waiting for??”
I have been stood up by him many times… Even when he was just my asshole boyfriend. I have sat on that balcony before waiting, or on New Years Eve a few years ago… waiting for that call to come or for him to show.
I would never do that to someone. I would at least call. Let them know I can’t make it… But nope… not him.
So, it’s Monday. And you know how I said before that he calls me on his way to work, on lunch, etc. Well, even though he did not show yesterday… I was expecting a call today. I even planned on how I was going to act, play the game. Miss some of his calls, just to keep him on his toes… BUT, he hasn’t called.
Do you want to know whats even better??
He GAVE me his NUMBER on Friday.
But I didn’t call. I texted “Donde?” (means “where” in Spanish… I kinda hoped she would see it. But if I hoped that really, I would have written more.
I won’t call. I’ll tell you why.
I can’t deal w/ even more rejection. If I don’t call I won’t get that. And he will call eventually. I always know that. Maybe not tomorrow, but eventually.
I hope he calls tomorrow, today. I don’t understand what happenned. I always imagine, what if something happened to him, I would never know.
I feel so numb. Like I can go thru the motions, go to work, laugh, smile, play w/ my son, do what I got to do… BUT deep inside is this empty aching place.
I even have other people who want to see/date me. The sweetest boy too. And I keep putting them off becuz of this ache. Am I heartbroken?
I want to say, since I am done w/ my rant:
Emma: I am so sorry. I have been there, obviously. And I want you to know this, he will be back. But please, move on, so when he does come back, you will see him w/ clear eyes, not eyes clouded by love. Know that you will find another, I have to believe we have more than 1 soulmate. I have girlfriends who are like soul sisters, more than 1, so if i can have more than 1 soul sister, why not have more than 1 soul mate? It is a blessing in disguise. Please pick up the pieces & move forward, as difficult & heartwrenching as it might be. And when you look back @ this place, when you are happy & settled & life is even better than you could have ever imagined, post here again to let us all know.
Heartbroken: I understand your story SO much. And I was rooting for you… and then you gave in. I would have too! It is like a diet…No, it’s like a drug. We get go thru withdrawls, get clean, only to relapse. I hope it has gotten better for you. If you have stayed in or tried to walk away. Remember, you are not alone. As lonely as you may feel. And know, you are beautiful & someday everything will work out as it should be. And I don’t necessarily mean w/ him, but in life.
Practicing: I REALLY want to know what happenned. You gave him the note & he has till the end of the month… what was his reaction?? Do you think you are going to be the 1% that will give us all hope here?? Please let us know.
Until then, all the best to everyone who comes here to share. Thank you for allowing me to share. It means alot. ~
Hi all.
I seen my MM on Monday, went to see him during his lunch. He didn’t try kissing me at all. Finially when his lunch was almost over I said something to him and his response was that he didn’t know if I wanted him to kiss me… blah blah blah.
I’m going to have a really hard time for the next 12 days…. maybe it will give me a chance to clear my head a little. Yeah isn’t it great that he is going on a cruise with his wife and children. Honestly, it makes me want to puke.
Has anyone in this group became vandictive because of what they are going through because sometimes I think I have lost my damn mind.
Is it just me?
heartbroken,
I know exactly how you feel. I broke it off with my MM on Dec. 25th. I have my good moments and my bad moments. The one bad thing is he lives four doors down from my house and I see him everyday. Sometimes I get so angry to see them together because I feel he has gotten away with this. I did get his phone number from someome and I did call the house a few times and asked for him. I always called from a payphone. He got in trouble but that is the least I could do. I’m hurting and I know its my fault for getting involved with a married man. It’s not fair how they think they can treat you. It’s just not right. I wanted to see his life a little miserable. I do get some satisfaction out of it. I don’t know how this happened.
Mary,
I would love to talk more with you sometime, do you have messenger? I think we could help each other out some how.
heartbroken,
I do feel for you, I’m not a mean person, but I think my MM took advantage of how nice I am. I do think he has strong feelings for me like he says. But he gives the reason why he wouldn’t leave because of his son, he has properties, too much to lose, He was married in a Catholic Church. He never came out and said he is staying for his wife. I think he is confused. I’m sorry I ever put myself in this position. It’s been three weeks now and I’m doing ok. Some days better than others. I will not call him or text message him again. I went back and forth for a year now and he never once took me out on a date. I know it’s extremely hard for you because you are hurting and you want something that is not yours. How old are his children? Do you still go out with your friends? You do need some distraction in your life. I go out with my friends, sisters and I try to keep busy around the house. It’s terrible when you live on the same block. I like to tell you to stay away from him awhile, it’s been three weeks for me and it does get easier. What I think about is how miserable he is with his wife and I feel better. I don’t think a man is happy in his marriage if he is cheating on her. It doesn’t change the fact if he will leave her or not. One can only hope. Best of Luck
i am so glad i found this before it was too late. i met a guy at work who is married and i don’t know what to do. he is exactly what i am looking for except that he is married which is obviously a BIG exception! we are bartenders and work side by side 3 days a week and we started off as friends but over a couple months it has developed into more. he has only been married 6 months and he is only 26; i am 24. i am dating someone else too but i can’t seem to get my mind off of him. i know i need to end it but i really don’t know how. i finally met someone who is doing everything right and it sucks that he’s not available. i also feel really guilty because she comes to the club sometimes and she’s beautiful and sweet and i feel terrible that i am seeing her husband behind her back. how do i stop this when i like him so much and am forced to be around him 3 days a week?
What if you were in love and messing around before he got married? We recently picked back up after a year’s hiatus (he has been married five years). He is not cautious and does not make(IMO) attempts to stay private. He thinks his wife is clueless–I know her, she is no dummy.
mary,
This is difficult. I am trying to force mine to examine why he is doing this. What do you think he truly wants or is missing at home?
Kristi,
which mary are you referring too. I believe with my MM they are not having a physical relation ship. I know she has some depression issues and he has tried to get her help but she just yells at him. She has lived on the block for five years and only talks to two of our neighbors and she keeps her son in the house. he’s not allowed off the block to play. He is 11 years old. My MM does the food shopping, works six days a week. He told me before that he is afraid of her. I really do believe he has strong feelings for me, but he does have a lot to think about. He has a lot of people running his life. His boss makes him work every Saturday, His wife doesn’t let him go out with is buddies and his Father tells him what to do too. He told me he doesn’t have much of a life. I blame that on him, every one has choices. His son doesn’t have a life either and I feel sorry for him. sometimes I get so sick to my stomach when I see them together, it hurts so much. how did i fall in love with a married man???? Thanks for listening
i don’t know what he wants but the thing is it shouldn’t matter. if you have been away from him for a year keep it that way! this is not what you want. its not good enough!
i have to see mine in a couple of hours and i am so tempted to just keep this a physical thing which i thought i could do but after reading all your stories i realize you can’t help who you fall in love with. i personally don’t want to find myself in love with someone who isn’t mine. i want a man who will go with me to my cousin’s wedding and my work christmas party not someone who will only see me when he can get away from her. we ALL deserve more so, EVERYONE just snap out of it!!!! i know it is easier said then done but in the long run this is NOT what we want! i went on a date with someone else last night. although i wished it was him it was a nice comfort knowing that this guy was looking for someone, not just someone on the side. i hope i have the will power to follow my own advice tonight because i’m so attracted to him and i think i could do this without getting attached but i don’t think i should try and find out and besides when in comes down to it it is very selfish to do this to someone else and i don’t think any of us want to be bad people.
i don’t know what he wants but the thing is it shouldn’t matter. if you have been away from him for a year keep it that way! this is not what you want. its not good enough!
i have to see mine in a couple of hours and i am so tempted to just keep this a physical thing even though it hasn’t even gotten that physical yet and i thought i could do but after reading all your stories i realize you can’t help who you fall in love with. i personally don’t want to find myself in love with someone who isn’t mine. i went on a date with someone else last night. although i wished it was him it was a nice comfort knowing that this guy was looking for someone, not just someone on the side. the thing is that i really do think that i could do this without getting hurt especially since i am dating a couple other guys, but i know it is selfish to do to her. i found her myspace the other day and she seems so happy and in love. at first i was a little jealous but then i felt sorry for her because she really didn’t marry the person she thought and that could happen to any of us one day. i don’t want to be an accomplice in ruining someone’s life. it just sucks i find him so damn sexy! when we kissed it was like electricity running through my body. i never felt that with anyone else.
I am so glad I found this site. I have been depressed for days and have been dying to talk to somebody.
Mine’s a rather long entry so please be patient with me.
In July 2005 I met a man who was not married but getting out of a relationship with a woman he was seeing for 9 years. They were in the midst of seperating and have decided to live in different countries. It was great because we had an incredible chemistry – we always had fun going out, having great conversations and laughs and we had a very good sexual life. I would stay over occasionally and spend weekends with him and because we stayed quite near, we meet up at least 4-5 times a week. The GF would call every not and then and I have heard them on the phone – very curt and unfriendly and always very brief. So that ‘relationship’ never really bothered me as I thought it was going to end anyway and besides she lives so far away!
In the beginning of Dec 2005 he broke it off with her. He told her about me as well and also his children (from his previous marriage), his family…they all knew about me.
It took him sometime to give his commitment but the same week he told me he wanted to be the one who makes me happy and how happy he is with me bla bla and wants to take this more seriously, she called him crying and wanted another chance. This was end of January 2006. She wanted to fly over and talk things over.
He allowed her to do that and allowed her to stay at his place when she was in the country! And only 3 days before that he said he wants to get more serious with me!!! And despite me crying and begging him not to do it, he insisted….and 2 days after she came, they got back together and his excuse was there’s just too much history.
I begged and cried but he won’t budge. I fell into depression and was seeing a shrink for awhile and was put on anti depressants etc. Over the months he would occasionally call and we would meet up and I would still beg him to change his mind. I know, STUPID!!!
But when I decided enough was enough, I stopped all contact with him. You would have though I had learnt my lesson but…
In June 2006 I met my MM through work. We connected instantly and he asked me for dinner so I went. He never kept his marriage a secret but after seeing each other for 2 months, he was already telling me he needs to leave his wife as he has been living in a lie for years and things weren’t working out. They have a 1 year old son together.
We all like to believe our relationship is different from others, don’t we? And like a dream to all TOW, he did walk out, he got his own place, went back to the UK to come clean with his family, made arrangements for them to meet me in 2007 and his wife knew about me…the whole world knew he wanted to have a life with me. He wanted to meet my parents and did and my parents have accepted him and know he is in the process of getting his divorce.
I even stayed with him for 8 days over Xmas and New Year and we had his son with us for 3 days. At that time his wife had already accepted the fact that we are together and allowed us to have the son so he can spend time with him.
I last saw him on January 2nd 2007. He kissed me goodbye and we were hugging and he kept reminding me of our future together and how much he loves me. We have talked about children, migrating, etc…
January 5th his son was admitted to the hospital for high fever and vomitting. He is still in and out of hospital so for the last week he has been in hospital and had time with his wife (though we have always referred to her as the ex-wife…but reality is they are still married!
On January 6th I found out I had a miscarriage…I didn’t know I was pregnant and I lost twins. On the 6th he finally talked to me. He had been ignoring me and asked me to leave him alone when his son was in hospital. From that time it just went downhill. He never called to check how I was doing and was always rude when I called or would just cancel my calls. I miscarried his babies and he didn’t care about me! He kept saying he needs to focus on getting his son well… I have been in and out of hospital myself as I had to go through a D&C and there were complications and I lost blood and needed blood transfusion…he knows but never bothered to call and even when I called him to tell him he said he was busy.
Finally yesterday morning I called him and said we needed to talk like adults and it’s not fair on me. He said he has been thinking about getting back with his wife as it’s the right thing to do. Looking at his son in the hospital and seeing her for the past week made him feel guilty for what he has done to them so he is considering going back. I know she wants to work it out as well.
So he has decided to leave the country for about 2 months for work to decide if he wants to go back to her or stay with me. He has suddenly said he doesn’t see how we can be together because of my behaviour and how we fight. We have quarrelled a few times because I have asked him if he is ever going to finalise things so we can have a proper relationship. He kept giving me deadlines but postponing it later. He blames ME suddenly for all the arguments and justifies the end of the relationship by that stupid excuse!
So, I don’t know. Both occasions seemed to be working out for me but in the end it always falls apart. Btw – the first guy came back in November saying he regrets his decision and even proposed to me. I turned him down of course as I was already seeing my MM. I can never forgive him for what he has done to me.
I’m so depressed now as I’m mourning for my lost babies and my MM who I love so much. It was just Jan 2 that we were planning to meet this weekend and he still said he loved me and all that. In a week I have to deal with my miscarriage AND losing him.
He said he doesnt know what will happen after 2 months. He just needs to be away from me and his ex-wife to think clearly. I don’t know how I”m going to pull through next 2-3 months. I’m so desperate for his support now but he won’t give it to me and even says that I’m pressuring him by texting and calling him. So his calls have stopped completely and I’m still here on antibiotics after the D&C.
I’m not sure if I should wait or begin to move on. I love him so much and this is just so sudden and I’m so confused. But if I waited 2 more months and he decides to go back to them my life would just crumble.
I really hate this. I’m so alone here and confused and I miss him so much.
Why me?
Mish, please move on if you can. You need to rebuild your spirit & take care of your health. I am so sorry for all you have gone through. It is horrible. I know you miss him but he is not there to even speak w/ you as you endure this. I understand all he is going thru w/ his son, so he needs to be w/ the boy but he could at least call you to provide some type of support. Please stay strong. Please, you are not alone. Move on, distract yourself so you have no HOPE that he will come back & if he does he does. What is the saying “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” Make that your mantra.
And you are not alone, we are all here. We understand & support you. We are there with you too. You will get thru this. You can endure. All the best, always.
I do feel for you all. I’m currently trying to stay free from my man – its been 2 weeks. Why do we do this – the pleasure is incredible. For me its not just physical, but more. Yet the pain is just as intense. I’d love to just not be in this state anymore. I guess the say the longer we hold on the less it will hurt.
Hang in to all of you.
ok so i did a really bad job at staying away from him last night. instead i slept with him it was the first time and it was amazing! i dont know why i did it i had several drinks but i think i got drunk just to numb my conscious because i knew it was wrong. i don’t don’t feel anymore attached but i’m a little ashamed of myself. i just wish he wasn’t married, but i also wonder if subconsciously that is part of the appeal. what do you think?
Part of the appeal has to be the whole, someone you can have but not fully… maybe??? I saw mine last nite. He’s my ex who currently has a live in girlfriend… It was wonderful & I am still on the high from it.
It’s so sad how it puts the last weeks of heartache out of your mind for 3hours of uber pleasure.
After avoiding me for 2 days last week after he stood me up last weekend, I finally broke down & called him to see if he was done. And he wasn’t just said he couldn’t deal w/ my drama. And by drama, he meant me being upset for standing me up last weekend, which I only said in a calm phone conversation. Whatever. Anywayz, those 2 days of avoidance were horrible & I was so heartbroken. I just had to surrender. I love him.
He told me last nite that he knew I was going to wait for him… and asked if I wanted to have his baby & get married. Again w/ the baby, marriage talk… is this really going to happen??? And when??? And if I wait, like he knows, I know, we all know, I pretty much will… when??? And the saga continues…
I’m so hurt right now…..
A few months ago my MM sent me a song and told me that everytime he heard it, it reminds him of me. I felt so special.
His wife just added that same song to her myspace page.
How special can I be? It’s not a common song by a well known artist.
I feel like sending him a nastey email but before I do can someone tell me if I have reason to be upset or if I’m making more out of this than I should?
I guess I kinda feel like this is all a big game to him. Did he wait to see my reaction before he sent it to her as well? Is that thier song? WTF?
Please respond….
Heartbroken…… i think he is a total sh*t for doing that. i would be devastated if my MM did that to me. We’ve been together almost 2 years, and we have special songs too. I love hearing them when i can’t see him, I’ve no way of knowing if he has mentioned them to his wife, but it would severely cheapen the things he has said to me if he has. Don’t let him treat you this way. i think you should write the email.
Heartbroken, you can write the email… but does he know you know his wife’s myspace?? No myspace fights! I wouldn’t write the email… What if it’s just a coincidence? What song is it? I am so curious to know… BTW, I spent 2hrs wasted of my life on myspace searches filtering by zip code & relationship status looking “HER”. I did find his niece, son & ex but not her. I think if I found her page it would make her too real to me. As if the phone ringing all the time when we are together w/ her calls isn’t real enough.
Don’t send the email, it will only make things hurt more for you.
Thats a good point… I just assumed the wife had put it down as a special song to her, maybe it isn’t at all, could just be a co incidence. On the whole myspace thing. I actually know my MM’s wife and i do my best to avoid her at l costs i don’t want to know anymore about her than i do now
I actually found his wife’s myspace page and told him about it, he didn’t know she had one until then. Since he found out, she has deleted almost everything on there… friends, quotes ect…. I go on her page every now and then….. out of curiousity to see whens the last time she logged into it. I guess I never understood why she would even go on the site if she deleted everything and why would she add a song to a page that is nearly blank?
The song is by Nickel Creek and is called “When you come back down.” After he sent it to me I must have listened to it a million times that weekend. That was the first I heard it and the words were very moving.
I don’t know about the rest of your MM but with mine he always has a logical explaination about everything.
I truly want to believe him when he tells me he loves me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but his actions and his words very seldom line up. I’ve tried to walk away and I go back everytime. I don’t understand my own actions, it’s not like he treats me like a queen and it’s not like I can’t find someone else that treats me better and wants to spend time with me. It’s like he has a spell over me.
Anyways, back to the song thing… I had time to cool down a little. I was pretty upset when I wrote on here earlier. I have decided that I will email him but instead of b*tching at him I will tell him how much I miss him (he’s on vacation for another 10 days) and how I thought about him alot today. I will then tell him how I heard the song and how it still means the same to me today as it did on the day he sent it. blah blah blah and then *POW* I will probably say something about seeing it on her myspace page… maybe, I don’t know but maybe. If I don’t I will not let this go for a long time.
I take alot of things to heart and things like this will just eat away at me little by little until I say something. It’s just a matter of how I put it. It’s not worth a fight but I want him to know in a round about way that I have made the connection between him sending me this song and how it popped up on her myspace page. If I had to guess he doesn’t know it’s on there. But it still doesn’t change the fact that somehow, she has the song, that somehow it meant something to her to put it on her myspace page.
Before I type the email can I have one more comment letting me know that this is the right or wrong thing. Thanks so much for your support, all of your support. It really means alot because lately I have felt all alone. My friends have heard me talk about this man everysingle day for the past 18 months, they have been there to comfort me when I try walking away only to find out that I go back. I try not to burden them with my problems anymore. They are great friends though.
Thanks again……
Even if you’ve had time to cool off a bit, it’s obviously got to you. i think sending him something mentioning it will help. it could be a coincidence, maybe it’s a song from home and she just happens to like it too. It’s always horrible to ask about something like this, because you may well not like his answer, especially if you are already expecting him to be able to logically explain it away. Being the other woman doesn’t mean you should automatically be treated like dirt. don’t b*itch, but ask him about it, if you don’t as you said you’ll find it hard to let go.
I don’t think I want more from him. I do not want him to leave his wife, do not want to marry him. We are great in bits and pieces and have been this way off and on for ten years.
Outside of all of this, we were friends first and I want him to figure out why he is doing this. He states he does not care about the risks. We have not had sex this go round and I am trying to keep it that way. We are fresh into this “new fling” and I told him I can let him go. The fact that I want him to examine his life and why he is doing this only makes him want me more. I can’t win for losing.
mish,
Please live your life. Remember that you have one outside from him. I had a stillborn child myself, not with my MM, so I understand your grief at this point in your life. If he comes to you fine, if not move on.
Ladies,
All these men are not losers. I am speaking in general here and not due to my MM. What can we do as wives (when we become wives) to avoid this???? Many of these wives are doing everything right and their men still want more.
What are the mistakes that wives make? Besides thinking the MM are scum. I am serious with this question.
Tina- thanks for your response. I wrote him an email and decided to save it. He won’t be checking his email until he returns from his trip. I have it if I decide to send it or I’ll wait and ask him the next time I see him.
You’re words helped, usually I would have emailed him and suspected the worse. This time I will wait and see what he says. If I decide to email him the letter than I will in a few days but for now it helped just being able to talk to someone about it.
This group has helped keep me level headed.
Like always… thanks so much for letting me vent.
AND thanks for ALL of your HELP! 🙂
i read all your entries and i realize that none of you are happy! it makes me question why i am doing this. its so early for me. i know i should stop but i think just tonight. thats how i felt the past 2 nights and they were amazing! i know there is no future in this so why can’t i just stop? he asked me to come over for dinner this week. she has to work until 10pm, but i told him no. i know it is a complete lack of respect to go to her house but when it comes down to it, will i go? then i stop and think how did i become this selfish person?
I think you should go to dinner mary m. This has nothing to do with respect for his wife. You want to be with him, you should go. Life is too short and you will regret it. My MM has never taken me out on a date or bought me anything. I haven’t seen him in a month, we live on the same block and he looks so miserable. I’m glad he is not happy because I am not happy without him. I had to do this, I sent him a text saying that his wife should be fulfulling his sexual needs and I wanted to stop seeing him. I haven’t heard from him. I think he should have taken me out during the one year we were dating each other. He never made time for me. So go to dinner and take advantage of the time you can spend with him.
Mary L
Mary,
I want to tell my MM that his wife should be doing these things as well. We are way too close to becoming sexually involved again. If she knows him like I do, she should know that he will get his needs met elsewhere. Why do you think mary m should go to his house? My MM asked me to pick him up from somewhere and take him home on more than one occassion. I refused.
I don’t think you should go to his house mary m, I’ve been invited to my MM’s house previously, but I wouldn’t dream of going there. I already think I am taking enough without going round to the marital home and taking even more. My MM always comes to my house or we meet somewhere. If nothing else you should respect the fact that this is his wife’s home and if it comes out about the affair, she will gutted that you were in her house.
Mary M
I doubt very much you’d feel comfortable there anyway. What would you do if his wife came home from work early ????
exactly voice,
This wife could easily shoot her dead and claim self defense. You think the MM would say anything?
Kristi,
I’m hopeful that any shotgun
will stay safely locked up 🙂
mary,
the thing is i don’t want to go on dates with him. i’d feel better if we just kept it physical and only on work nights, but he is always pressuring me to hang out during the week too. i don’t say no because i like him, but he treats me like his girlfriend and he can’t have a gf and a wife!!!
voice and tina,
i would definitely not feel comfortable there i don’t know what he is thinking. i think it is mainly because i don’t have my own place and we are both sick of going to bars and restaurants and being around a million people. it is bad enough that i am sleeping with her new husband, but the thought of doing it in her house is even more of a slap in the face. i don’t want to hurt her, but i don’t want to stop. sometimes i don’t think he is even that private about it. everyone at work has speculations about us and its because he is so obvious about it.
kristi,
the thing is if she did shoot me, i would partcially deserve it. i have imagined many times her finding out and coming into the bar that we work at either punching me or throwing a drink in my face. i would do it if i were in her situation thats what makes this so hard, because i know its wrong!
Mary M,
I do know what it’s like I’m lucky (if you can call it that) that I’ve been in both the position of wronged wife and now I’m currently the other woman. I see it from all ways round. After finding out about my ex husband’s affair I was so hurt and thought myself above doing the same thing, but here I am. I love my MM so much, and he says he has fallen for me, but categorically states he will never leave his wife for me. Somedays I don’t know why I’m sticking with it, but I do.
I know, mary m. I know my MM’s wife. Haven’t seen her in years, but know her and know she would be crushed if she knew her husband had been in contact with me for years. While I don’t think she would lash out at me if she found out, I would still hate to run into her and have to make small talk.
I know he loves her, but have no idea why he would risk losing her. I don’t know if I am the only other. I think so, due to the time we spend communicating, but he still won’t talk about the risk and why it doesn’t seem to matter. My MM seems to seek validation that he is OK. Makes me wonder if she is totally ignoring him at home.
voice and kristi,
what made you stay with it in the beginning? did you already know he was married? right now i think that it is just steamy and fun, but i never want to get to the point where i am in love with him. did you feel that way at first? do you wish that you weren’t in love with him?
Mary M,
I’ve known my MM for just over 6 years, but have been seeing him for about the last 2 of them, we had always got on really well and i did like him but as i said thought i was above getting involved as I’d had it done to me and lost my husband to another woman. I knew he was married so I steered clear, but as it got further into the relationship i found myself thinking about him more and more. Eventually we ended up discussing it and he said he had feelings for me, but offered me the sex as he was lonely(they have very seperate lives)but couldn’t promise me anything. I should of run a mile but I didn’t. i tried to keep it as a no strings sex thing but I knew I was falling for him. When i eventually told him I loved him, he said I couldn’t fall in love with him as he was unavailable, It was only recently he told me he had fallen for me, but he has never actually said those 3 little words. In a way i’m glad he hasn’t cos I wouldn’t want him to unless he totally meant it. He treats me really well, and calls me everday day, except weekends(obviously) :-). Sometimes I feel pretty lonely, but I knew the deal when I started with my MM, so i have to respect it, If I start getting sh*tty with him, he’s still not going to leave his wife, and he’ll end up resenting me. I guess it’s bearable because I have always known where I stand.
mary m,
I’ve been friends with my MM for ten years. Knew both him and the wife before the nuptuals. We have been friends with benefits off and on the entire time. We had this “benefit” while they were dating. Yes, he chose to marry her, but I never expected us to be together either. I knew we could not make it as a couple. It is easier for me I think because I love him as a friend, though our intimate relations are steamy.
Don’t know if his sex life with wife was ever good or why he continues to feel the need to converse with and see me.
voice and kristi,
what made you stay with it in the beginning? did you already know he was married? right now i think that it is just steamy and fun but i never want to get to the point where i am in love with him. did you feel that way at first? do you wish that you weren’t in love with him?
mary m,
I will say this. I care for my MM deeply and I know he cares for me. I am uncomfortable with the fact that he seems to want to be caught with me. I felt this when they were dating. He almost took steps to get caught. Don’t know why he took the plunge and got married.
My MM doesn’t have sex with his wife, they’ve been married for 30 years he is 52 and I’m 31. I guess I fulfil his needs, I don’t wish that i wasn’t in love with him, I wish the situation was different, cos if he left her I would take him on in a heartbeat.
Kristi
I would be worried too if my MM wanted to get caught. Sounds a bit like he wanted to get out of the marriage thing, but changed his mind.
Voice,
Do you ever think that your MM will leave his wife? It’s been 2 years, right? Do you still have hope that he will leave? Does it ever get to you that he hasn’t left yet?
I’m just wondering for myself, thats all.
No I don’t believe he will ever leave her, He told me he never would. he has always told me that if I met an available guy to go for it. If I’m honest yes i sometimes sit here thinking, He treats me well he calls me and sees me at every available chance and he’s recently said he’s fallen for me, what is he waiting for but as I said previously I knew from the get go that he won’t ever leave her, Maybe I’m wasting my time, but I love him and will share him rather than not have him at all. Maybe it sounds a bit pathetic but it works for me
Voice… When I met my MM we both said that we would stay in our current relationships for the next 10+ years, we were in it for the kids.
We were both numb to life when we met, just walking through it and not living. It’s been nice to have a reason to smile from the heart, it had been so long that I forgot what it felt like.
Over time our friendship grew and we both ended up falling in love. I guess I have known as well that he wouldn’t leave his wife, we both came into this saying the same thing. But sometimes sitting here thinking about all the things that they do together, how she gets the side of him that I don’t get to see…. waking up to him, spending time on holiday’s, ect… has made me very envious. And because of that it has made me so insecure in our friendship because I can’t understand that he doesn’t want more even though I have known from the beginning. I’ve said the same thing as you…. having him part time in my life is better than not having him at all.
The only time we get to talk or see each other is when he’s at work, never on the weekends, never at night, never on holiday’s or birthday’s.
My heart and mind are at a constant battle with each other. My heart loving him for everything that he is and my mind telling me I’m wasting my life.
Maybe with time I will be ok with being the “other woman” and be ok with how things are. It’s a struggle for me and I’m trying to deal with it the best that I can.
I’m sure no one thinks that you are pathetic, we are all going through the same things. Best of luck.
Voice,
Why aren’t they having sex? Even separate lives can get together. Is she a prude?
I would say we were far from pathetic. Everyone on here seems level-headed and articulate. We know the truth. We are not blind. We made choices. We are here. Thank goodness for this forum.
i know that my MM is sleeping with his wife and probably often. they are newly weds and i know she is trying to get pregnant.
i told him i would not go to dinner at his house so he is going to take me out. the crazyiest thing about this whole situation is that he is the most dependable guy i have ever dated. he calls when he says he will and shows up when he is supposed to. he is so perfect besides the whole wife thing so it really sucks! why did he get married at 26!?!
i don’t think anyone on here is pathetic, but i think that we all should have run the other direction when we found out they were married! i understand why none of you did though, because you can’t help who you like and even though it is still early for me i am not running!
Kristi,
I know they’re not having sex because his wife told me, My MM owns a printing business and she is a teacher. They’ve been married a long time and she’s been through the menopause and says sex is something they or she doesn’t need(obviously however I know he needs it). He respects her wishes, although he gets quite lonely. He has a good life other than that which he has worked hard for and I suppose would find it very difficult to give up. I must admit I get really unsettled when they go away on holiday and do the together kind of things that I would like to be able to do with him.
Mary M
Without wanting to sound like the merchant of doom, but if the wife wants to get pregnant and does succeed, I personally don’t think your MM will leave in a hurry. If he is as dependable as you say, is he likely to walk out on a pregnant wife or young child?????
kristi,
the thing is i don’t want him to leave his wife for me. we are not at that stage at all! by dependable i mean he calls when he says he will and doesn’t break dates. i hear from him every day. i go out with a lot of guys and there is few that i can say that about.
if his wife does get pregnant, and i am sure she will , i think that it will be over between us. i don’t think he has any intentions of leaving her, but i don’t think that this marriage is built to last if he is cheating after only 6 months. honestly if they did break up i don’t think i would want him. i am having so much fun with him, but this is not a relationship that has any potential for a future.
his marraige sounds boring. no wonder he came looking for you! i think it would be really hard to leave a stable and successful life no matter how mundane it may be. i know what you mean about being unsettled about them going away. thats why i don’t want to get attached because that is something that you can’t control.
All of this seems odd to me. Do husbands not communicate with their wives? What happened to showing and telling your partner what you need? And if there is no reasonable explanation, why would you deny him or her?
Why would you let your spouse be bored? Sounds like all of these marriages are in a rut. I know sex can’t be the problem everywhere. What are the underlying issues here?
I think we can all tell when our MMs spend more time with their wives, can’t the wives tell when their husbands minds/bodies are elsewhere?
I am going to try to stop saying my MM and start saying “S’s husband”. Maybe this will make this time the last time.
Whooh!!! What an eyeopener!!! Too bad I didn’t see this site a few years ago! Has it been 4… or 5? I’m sure I would not have believed it.. or I would have denied that my situation was like this…etc. I read this site for about an hour and a half. I did not read all the stories nor did I read all the responses; however, I will say this: Each and every story has a common link: A girl who for some reason has been swept off her feet by a man who is a “good man” but is married. Strangely, these good men are all taken… wonder why? And they all leave everyone confused, sending mixed messages, taking NO responsibility and hurting everyone. They send you a crumb… you feel like they are choosing YOU over their WIFE! What a turn-on! ONLY YOU!!! YOU are SO special!!! Yeah, they even tell you that, over and over again….
I have been there… for years.. I left my marriage (which was troubled, but I had been married for 30 years). My husband told his wife, after he discovered e-mails. He denied, I denied (for him) to spare him!!! LOL!!! Bizarre! She told him to “leave” if he did not love her. He chose to stay.. (didn’t want to hurt her: she had done nothing wrong). I understood, respected that. He said he didn’t want to hurt daughter who was grown and married with a baby.
This went on until he told me he didn’t think we should do it anymore. He wanted to go back to being the peson he was before. Gain back his dignity and intregity. (so much for mine)… and so we stopped seeing each other. I met a guy within a short time and I really liked him. He was so nice and fun and available. He introduced me to his children and took me somewhere openly!! Imagine that. My kids met him… then… boom… Mr. Wonderful finds out and calls me begging and pleading that he doesn’t want to lose what we had. Says he will leave his wife … that he realizes now just how much he loves me!!! etc. etc. I agree to meet him again… (not really wanting to).. I meet him and I discover that he is NOT all that…
I decide to stay with the other guy… tell the mm that I am not interested any more. He cries and begs and asks me how I can stop loving him so quickly. I ask myself the same thing.. and then the stupidest thing!!! I tell him… okay.. and think that this is what I wanted for soooo long and that I should not reject what he is offering. I agree to stop seeing the other guy,sell my house, get a job far away (in his area), start over completely, leave my grown kids behind. etc. etc. and 8 months later… though he has moved out and has an apartment, he has NOT filed for divorce… he now says that he is going to do that… well, somehow, I found out he has been e-mailing and carrying on with yet another married woman for the past 5 years.. and she is asking for him to now have an affair. Suddenly, all the going home to his apartment early.. starts to make sense.. and the reason he only stays with me on the weekends.. (still) and the secrecy with his cell phone begins to make sense.. yet still you deny, deny deny… I try to break it off, he swears he loves me..(He doesn’t know I know about the other “other woman.” When I ask him if he talks to other women, he denies it: says he is “true to me, the truest person.
He even says he is
“spineless, coward” etc. just as the women above say. Now, I don’t trust him anymore.. the special feeling that I am the only one is gone.. but I have devoted so much time and I am not getting any younger and I have given up a lot…(53)
I feel sooooooo duped and so stupid…
My advice: Listen to your gut… where there is smoke, there is fire. They play on your emotions . You think you have some wonderful intimacy… it is deceit, deceit, deceit… I feel trapped by my situation and don’t know how to get out of it.. but I Do know I don’t trust him and never will.. I would have never believed that he was like this if I hadn’t seen the e-cards and emails they both sent with my own eyes.
(And I still try to rationalize them).
I hope this helps at least one of you! Even if you think you finally get your man.. what have you got?
Good luck!
Hi Rene W,
Do you feel better now????……. :-).
I’m truly sorry that you are having a terrible time, I’ve been in your position too, but I think your post which seems to be implying we are all essentially stupid(correct me if I’ve misunderstood) is a bit unfair. Maybe you are right when you say there may be a common factor between stories. However not all of us on here want our MM to leave, I know mine for one will never leave his wife and I live with it. It’s not all about stealing someone else’s husband away.
Again apologies if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick
Voice of Reason:
Sorry if you misunderstood my post. I was just floored that so many people are going through the same emotions.
No, I did not want this either. I told him MANY times to go back to his wife.. and then eventually, we would end up calling or e-mailing again.
I do not think that I am stupid. I have a master’s degree. But my actions ARE stupid!!!
So, it is very difficult to explain 5 years of what happened and how it happened… but I was soooo amazed at how we all think WE are special and that is how they CATCH us…
If you don’t see that.. then you will in time. I did not believe it either…lol.
Best of luck to you…
Rene W.
Actually I’m not under any illusion, I know exactly how my situation is working. My MM has never said I’m ‘special’ or peppered me promises of leaving his wife and getting together, I know my place and my role in our relationship, It is that simple to me, yes i do love him, but when and not if it ends I’ll deal with it. I know that if it ever comes to the crunch he will choose his wife and that will be it for me. But for now I’m happy, I think the rules at the top of this page are spot on, particularly the one about not making him the focal point, I have a busy life and we meet up as and when. I don’t pine for him when he’s not with me. I know how to keep him happy, which although yes his wife should be. I fulfil his needs and thats it.
Voice of Reason:
You don’t have to explain anything to me. I understand fully what you are saying.. and if you don’t think it makes YOU special that you can fulfill his needs when his wife cannot or will not… then you are in denial…
In an earlier post of January 15th you said: If the situation were different, I would marry him in a heartbeat…
Find a good guy who is available. That is my advice. I am glad that you are living your life and NOT waiting around every evening for his texts and e-mails and cell phone calls. And I am pleased that it does NOT bother you or make you feel cheated that while you spend your weekends ALONE or with friends (thinking of him), he puts you in a little shoe box and places you on a shelf while he continues without guilt, his other life…. I am soooooo sorry… this is true. I have been through it.. and I did NOT believe anything but the best of this wonderful man….
lol…
NO ONE COULD TELL me any different… and when they tried to…lol…. I got sooooo defensive…
I am not judging you.. just hope you don’t waste too much time. You are young….
And please, don’t judge me either…
Thanks!
Rene
Ok Rene, You are so right i don’t know my own situation at all, and by the way if you are going to quote me, get it correct.
Thanks
Voice
Voice of Reason does not sound so reasonable! I don’t know what chord I struck with you, Voice, but you really are on the defensive and the attack!
I am not judging you AT ALL!!!!
Why you chose my post to reply to and to attack, I will never know. I suppose the truth hurts…
By all means: continue with your affair with the MM. Hopefully he meets all your needs and you want this type of relationship.
As for the quote: Anyone can read it for themselves as it is there written and submitted by you on January 15.
I cannot judge you… you have every right to pursue this relationship.. and enjoy it. I was only trying to help others who may think that their relationship will lead to marriage. Some do… Most don’t.
Again, I was just so intrigued by how so many of the stories are the same. The men use the same techniques, and have the same excuses for having the wife and the MISTRESS. And of course: they are good guys..that is why they do this. They do NOT want to hurt anyone.
They like having their cake and eating it too.
That does not make them all bad…
I hope you really are in control of your situation and do not get hurt. That is all I hope for. I do NOT think you are stupid.. and I am sorry that you were hurt by another woman in your marriage. I sincerely mean this: I wish you the best of luck…. in any decision you make regarding your situation.
And NO of course, I do NOT know more about your situation than you do.. I did not intend to imply that. Sorry if I have offended you IN ANY WAY.
Rene
Look I don’t want to get into a b*tch about this, so this is my last comment on it
You say you are not judging me and yet you say I’m in denial. I’m not defensive or on the attack, which i know can sometimes appear to happen over the net. I just unsure you have read the meaning that is in my posts and situation, I am happy with the way my situation is, I’m not some stupid teenager with a head full of silly promises from a guy, I’m actually a very level headed person, I provide him with the sex he doesn’t get at home. My MM has always said if I meet someone then to go for it, but right now the situation as it stands suits us both, I love him yes but i know there is no future in it. I also know it WILL end. I am not expecting him to turn up at my front door with his bags, infact if he did that I’d panic.
My reference to being quoted is that no where on here have I said I would marry him, I personally have no desire to get married again ever. :-). I said I’d take him on,
I appreciate that the situation you were in is repeated the world over as I am totally sure that mine is too, but they are different to each other. I also appreciate that there are cliches associated with affairs, ie I’m only staying for the kids and all that sort of things.
And finally I never attacked your original post, I just felt it came across as unfair, but also expressed my apologies if I got the intention wrong, but I have not attacked or judged you personally. I don’t think that is the point of this page.
Voice
Rene W.-
You hit the nail on the head. You are so right on & the turth does hurt. When my friends tell me the same things, I don’t want to believe them, but in my heart of hearts I know it’s true.
I know he chose her, not me. I know he lives his real life w/ her, not me. I know I get 3hrs of his time 2x’s a week while she gets the rest of it. I know he throws me a crumb & expects me to be satisfied. I know I am a fool.
But I love him, and until I can get over it, I will continue to do this to myself. And I can blame him all I want, but really, I am the person going thru all the pain & loneliness, I am the one doing this to myself. I could decide any day to stop but I choose not to. I am banking on the empty promises that give me hope & I am the one in denial believing I am special & he loves me, not her.
Maybe he loves us both & maybe he thinks we’re both special *BUT* he’s w/ her not ME. And that speaks volumes.
Lips,
Yes, the MMs are with their wives. However, can these marriages last? Even if we are out of the picture, does the wife really HAVE him? Will he find another OW to satisfy his needs? Your last statement speaks volumes to me as S’s husband (my MM) acts as if these relationships are totally separate and that they have no effect on one another. How crazy is that? Are we really both special and if not, why take the risk of losing the one who truly is special? Why take the risk of losing everything for someone who means nothing?
we got caught by his wife last night. his phone accidentally picked up and she heard us talking. he said he had gone out with the boys and also our conversastion gave us away. when i got home from our date i had a text from him saying “she knows, we don’t have to hide anymore”. i was so freaked out i asked “how” and then he called me. he is leaving her. not for me, but its just not working. i don’t know how i feel about the whole thing. it all happended so fast and i don’t know when it is all said and done what he expects from me.
she wants to work it out, but he says he’s done. i had no idea he was so unhappy. we never really talked about his marraige. i just thought that he was a newly wed and everything must be fine. exactly what i didn’t want to happen happened. she is devasted and although he assures me it has nothing to do with me i can’t help, but feel so guilty!
i told him that he needs time to think this through and that we can’t see each other until he makes he sorts everything out. he doesn’t want that, but he understands. i just don’t know how i am going to do it at work tomorrow. please tell me what you think.
mary m,
I’m so sorry. You have some tough decisions to make. Do you think he meant for his phone to “pick up”? Seems like he was waiting for an excuse. Give him a moment to breathe. He will call you soon. Take all the time you need and talk to him only when you are ready.
another crazy thing is that he didn’t even try to cover it up. instead of saying that he was drunk and met a girl at the bar. he actually said that he went there to meet up with someone and that it wasn’t the first time. he told her that we slept together. he told her everything except that it was me. he doesn’t even want to try to fix it. he said that he knew before he got married that he probably shouldn’t, but the plans were already made and he thought maybe it was just cold feet. i like him so much but i don’t want to be a part of this. i truly don’t think that this is because of me but i think that if we continue to see each other that is what it will look like. the worst part about it is that i am all alone in this. none of my friends or family would approve at all. i am just so greatful for this site because at least i know that you will not judge me.
i just can’t stop thinking about her. he said that she knew they had problems that they barely even talk anymore, but they have only been married for 6months. she was trying to have a baby, but maybe she thought it would fix their problems. i just can’t imagine being in her shoes. i feel so terrible. am i a bad person? i knew this was wrong and it was so selfish of me to do this! what do i do now? i told him we couldn’t do this, but does that mean i can’t be there for him through all of this? do i just stop answering his texts and calls? i never initiated any of that anyway so the only thing that i can stop is all physical contact which i totally intend on doing, but should i also tell him to stop contacting me? i am so confused does anyone know what i should do?
thanks you kristi. the thing is that he doesn’t need a minute to breathe, and honestly neither do i, but i am trying to be fair to her. i want him to make sure that this is what he wants without me doing anything to cloud his judgement. is that the right thing?
thanks you kristi. the thing is that he doesn’t need a minute to breathe, and honestly neither do i, but i am trying to be fair to her. i want him to make sure that this is what he wants without me doing anything to cloud his judgement. is that the right thing? i don’t know if he answered his phone on purpose, but i wondered that as well. it does kind of seem like he wanted to get caught.
Mary M
I’m so sorry it’s turned out like this for you, I agree with Kristi, did his phone pick up by accident, it’s seems convenient. Maybe he was looking for a get out especially if he has told her that he’s done and doesn’t want to even try with her. You’re not a bad person, I’ve been in both positions before and although at the time i hated the other woman for taking my husband, once I started to concentrate on what was wrong within my marriage, I began to understand why he’d strayed, although not excusing it. Not sure if it’s a good idea that you be his shoulder to cry on, I would think he needs to decide what he is going to do, I don’t think you have to cut him dead, but give him chance to get things straight
Good Luck
mary m,
I don’t know what to say. My MM has been trying to get caught with me since they were dating. I have to take steps not to get HIM caught. You are not a bad person, you seem to care deeply for him. I’m with you, I don’t want to be a part of the decision. If you want out, get out. Don’t make me part of the equation.
It seems as if your MM jumped way too soon. He is definitely a newlywed. Is he scared to be a father? Are the responsibilities of marriage too much for him right now?
honestly i don’t think that he answered his phone on purpose. he is torn up about hurting her like this and that would be a cruel way to do it. however, i think that it forced her to see that there was something wrong here and it nudged him to come clean with his feelings.
voice,
u are absolutely right that i shouldn’t be his shoulder to cry on, but right now i don’t want to be another person making him feel like an asshole so i don’t know what else to do!
kristi,
he definitely jumped to soon! they were only 24 and together a year when they got engaged. i don’t think that he is scared to be a father, but he knows that its wrong to bring a baby into this marraige. she thinks it will fix things and he knows that it won’t. i do think that the responsibilities are a lot for him, but i think that is because all their marraige is is responsibilities. he said that they never have fun together and that they don’t even talk anymore.
thank you for listening to me ramble on about this! i honestly don’t have anyone else i can talk to. i guess you all know that unless you are in this situation you can’t possibly understand it!!!
Ramble away, most of my family would knock in me into next week(verbally of course) if they knew what I was doing…. 🙂
You are so right Voice. My mother would absolutely have a heart attack.
I need to vent, I am sick to my stomach. I broke it off with my MM around three weeks ago and I miss him so much, My husband left me around nine years ago and I haven’t been with another man since. Until this MM came into my life and we started out as friends and we got together last December 2005. I really didn’t expect it, he has been coming onto me for so long but I never took it too seriously because he was married. he would keep asking me when are we going out? all the time and I joked and said we can’t you are married. I love him so much that it hurts. When I see them together I get hurt, they both look miserable when they are getting in and out of the car. He lives four doors down from me. He is 14 years younger than me. I don’t think he would ever leave his wife for many reasons. He has a 11 year old son, he has a couple of properties, I think he would take a loss and he says he was married in the Catholic Church, But him being married in a Catholic Church he is committing adultery. I just got tired of the excuses and him not making time for me. I just wanted to talk, I have my good days and my bad days. I know she suffers from depression, she wears these wigs and she doesn’t let her son out to play on the street. He is eleven years old and he sits in the house all the time I feel bad for him. None of them have a life. they say misery loves company
Mary L
I can’t begin to imagine what it is like having him so close at hand, you say you broke it off? Does he want to get back with you or has he accepted it?
In not so many words he wants to stay with me, but he never took me out in one years time. He kept making promises to do things with me but it never happened. He always has an excuse. The only time he wants me is when it is convenient for him and it usually has to do with sex. I told him I want more, meaning doing things together. I understand he is married but in one year we never went out on a date. We could do things that don’t take a long time, e.g. lunch, take a walk, picnic, fast dinner. I never asked him for money or do anything around my house for me. i’m very independent, I’m opposite of his wife he said. He has to do everything, from changing the trash bag in the can, the food shopping, running out to the store for things. He works six days a week. I believe he is not happy but he does have a lot to lose. I only wanted to taken out. Is that too much to ask, He says he doesn’t have a life, so change it, you make your own life. He tells me he has strong feelings for me. Then treat me with respect. Over the holidays he never called to wish me a happy birthday which was December 24, never wished me a Merry Christmas or happy New Years. He has changed since last December, He couldn’t wait to be with me, he would call me more. I think once he knew he had me, the thrill was gone.
mary l,
you do deserve more then that so i think you did the right thing by breaking it off. it will hurt for a while especially since he is so close by, but you will never find someone to do the things you are looking for if you still have him in your life.
i am trying to break it off as well. it was so hard at work last night. we have to work side by side behind this small bar and everytime he brushes past me chills go through my whole body, but she knows now and everything is different. he decided to try and work it out which is the right thing to do and i told him that, but now i’m just so sad. she came into the bar last night and he assured me that she didn’t know it was me. i didn’t want to give it away by snubbing her so it took all courage i had to say hello to her and when i did i got the worst look i’ve ever gotten. i didn’t know what to do so i walked away went into the kitchen to catch my breath. he said he never told her, but i guess it is women’s intuition. i had a knot in my stomach until she left. he kept apologizing saying that he told her he needed time alone and not to come in, but i don’t think she came in only to see him. she left pretty early and i started to feel better. he then started acting like he always did, rubbing my shoulders and grabbing my waist. i resisted it, but then i did what i knew i shouldn’t and i started drinking. at the end of the night we walked out together and he grabbed me an kissed me goodbye, but then he left. he has never left after work before we always hang out for hours. i was crushed, but i know that was the right thing. he said he would stay and hang out tonight, but i know if i do its just gonna keep getting harder. i drove home in tears last night and unless i end this completely now i know i will have a lot more drives like that. now that she knows if he wants to work this out there will be no more hanging out til 630am and i know that we wont be able to get together during the week. when he said he was finished and didn’t even want to try and fix it i was upset because i didn’t know what to do but now that he is trying to fix it i feel so much worse. this is a lose lose situation and we all need to get out of it! we are only setting ourselves up to get hurt.
Mary M,
Be strong… It will get easier with time, after all that’s what everyone says.
Good luck and we are here if you need us.
Mary M
How can he try and fix it when he is rubbing your shoulders and kissing you still. Maybe the wife doesn’t want to work it out. Is he still living with her? Does he look happy or miserable. Maybe this is what he wanted, things are done for a reason. I hope my MM is miserable, I hate living on the same block as him. I just hope he doesn’t call me because when he talks I melt, I feel like a school girl having a crush. I feel so happy when I am with him, but I need respect from him. They had their son when they were 18 years old. He married her when his son turned 6 years old. I don’t know why they waited so long. I think he is staying with her for all the wrong reasons. The son, Being married in a Catholic Church, He has three properties involved. Something tells me they don’t have sex anymore. thanks for listening. I hope he will leave her one day to be with me. I’m not going to hold my breathe but one can only hope. I told him I was married in a Catholic Church and I got a divorce. If you both are not happy why stay together.
mary l,
i think the son has a lot to do with it. that is probably the reason he got married in the first place, because if it was just to be with her then he would have done it long before his son’s 6th birthday! he will call, but try not to melt unless he is telling you that his bags are packed! you do need respect from him and you’ll get that by respecting yourself enough to resist him. haha i wish i could follow my own advice!
i didn’t do a good job of resisting him again last night. i am just so confused! he keeps telling me that he likes me so much and that he doesn’t want to end this, but i am not really sure where he stands in his marraige. he says that he doesn’t want to work it out, and then he says that he owes it to her to try. it just doesn’t seem like he is trying at all! he stayed with me til 6am knowing that she knew what he was doing and that he was going to get in trouble when he got home. i got a text message from her at 630 saying “you better stay the hell away from my husband”. i don’t know how she got my number and i haven’t talked to him all day so i don’t know what happened when he got home. i keep telling him that i’m done, but then i don’t follow through. honestly if i were her i wouldn’t want to work it out at this point. i asked him how he was staying out this late when he knew she would be up waiting for him and he said “i know she is, but i don’t want to leave you yet”. what do i do about this??? i like him so much but its early. what if he leaves her and in a month i decide i don’t like him? or what if i fall in love with him and then he realizes he made a mistake? could i ever trust him? i have so many things running through my head. and why is she telling me to stay away from him? does she think he plays a part in this? i am a little nervous that she is going to come in my work and cause a scene and i really don’t know how to handle that.
Does he have an itemised phone bill, maybe she got it from that??? If she sent you a message telling you to stay away, is it possible that he has said you are bothering him????? Either way he needs to sort himself out. It’s really unfair of him to keep blowing hot and cold on you. You shouldn’t tell him you’re done unless you mean it, otherwise he’ll know he can get away with it. I’m surprised the wife hasn’t kicked him out if he’s staying out til 6am with you. As for her coming to your place of work, I’m not sure what I’d do, I suppose if she causes that much of a scene, she’ll get herself thrown out but it’s sonething you’ll need to be prepared for, as she’ll more than likely want to say her piece.
Mary M
Are they still living together? I would text her back saying that you and him are through. I know exactly how you feel, when they call you forget that you are angry or upset. Does your MM have any kids? I love when the wife blames it on the other woman and not her husband. You don;t know what he tells her. He probably is covering his but and saying it’s all your doing. Do you ever think about confronting her? How do you know the text was from her? She should be angry at him for not coming home, how is that your fault? I’ll be surprised if she would take him back, Maybe she doesn’t want to try again.
mary m,
My, this isn’t getting any easier, is it? I would not acknowledge her. Let him communicate with her. This is not your job or responsibility. You can only do what he allows you to do. The issue of respect lies with him. They have problems. Their problems are not with you. I wonder what in the heck my MM’s wife is thinking when he is up till all hours on the phone or coming home later and later. They are not clueless. He chose to stay out with you. Don’t feel guilty about it.
Mary L,
That is the question of the day, “What in the heck are they telling their wives?” We can only guess.
That’s my point too kristi, Mary M got the text saying ‘stay the hell away’ None of us know, he could have been telling the wife that she has been pestering him and won’t leave him be and telling her that he wants to make a go of his marriage. Then when he’s back with Mary M, it’s a different story.
I just have a few things to say: Eight years…down the drain. Three kids’ childhoods wasted. Never left his wife and still doesn’t plan to. DO NOT STAY IN IT NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY!!!!!!!!!!
My MM told me he is happy? How can you be happy if you are sleeping with another woman? someone explain to me. I think my MM is lacking something with his wife in this area. He complains that he has no life, he has to do everything e.g the food shopping, fill her car with gas and get it detailed. He has to do the projects with his son, always running out to the store. What does he have to be happy about?. I think he is in denial. His son sat in the house today with his parents. He’s never allowed out to play and he is eleven. They fight about that all the time, she is afraid that someone will take him. The son still plays with guns. He won’t ever have a life living in that house. I understand you have to be careful, but he needs friends to play with not his parents. I can’t why he doesn’t stand up to her. They do not go on any vacations. Mary M how can your MM tell you he wants to try to make it work with his wife, then he spends the night with you, he’s not trying very hard.What is he thinking that his wife thinks it’s ok to stay out all night. I wonder about men sometimes. Everything is about them, what they want, need.
Mary L,
I don’t think men are explainable….:-)
I’m with you though I don’t see how a guy can be happy when he is seeking attention from elsewhere. My MM is with me in part because he doesn’t get the intimacy that he wants with his wife. To look at them though they look they the perfect couple, but they’re not. Your MM sounds very much like he is so bogged down with daily life that he is just putting up with it and going through the motions. As for the son, his life seems to mirroring that of his parents, he needs friends as you say, although I don’t think his life will necessarily change if he leaves, as it’s the wife that is worried about him going out.
Mary l,
You are right. I don’t think we can deny that these men are selfish. My MM acts as if nothing is wrong with his marriage. HUH?? You have never, ever been faithful to this woman (even while dating) but you loved her enough to marry her? I wonder if these wives have something hanging over their heads (especially yours Mary L–that poor son of theirs). I think I need to ask mine if they agreed to have an “open marriage”. I would love to hear his response. Not to put myself down, put I can’t imagine what I am doing that his wife won’t do or has never done. He is quite easy to please in every area–conversation, sex, time spent/hobbies. I think it is time for me to have the big “sit-down” with him. This has been ten years on and off–nonsense. I know it sounds crazy, but I would never be jealous of the wife but may be a little put off if I knew of other, “other women”.
CTL,
You have three children by your MM? Is he taking care of them?
Kristi,
Do you think it’s an open marriage???? Or are you just curious???
Voice,
I can’t think of any other reason he is still doing this. I know the wife–she is not stupid.
I can imagine that she gives him hell for the late nights. I have to make him get off the phone with me at night and go get in the bed with her. I assume they sleep in the same bed. If I tell him to call me tonight at midnight, 2, 3 in the morning, he will. When he calls, he does not whisper, surely she hears he is on the phone. I want to know what is going on, even if it is not my business. He thinks late nights arrivals are better than early morning arrivals–I told him think again and that he was being disrespectful either way. Then again, he knows what is going on in his household, I don’t.
I wouldn’t say it’s none of your business, if you’re under the belief that you are the ‘secret’ other woman and that this isn’t the case, and there may be more than you, you should know about it. I’d be put out too. I must admit I try to know as little about my MM’s home life as possible cos if I knew they were all lovey with each other it would probqably drive me nuts. I assume that what he tells me is how it is, kinda naive but it keeps me sane 🙂
Voice,
I don’t know what to think. I would be no surprise. She thought we were sleeping together long before we ever took that step while they were dating. Out indifference toward one another stems from him. The fact that it is me would devastate her and he knows it (that’s if this is not an open marriage). For my health, I want to know of others and I certainly don’t need him to deny it to make me feel “special”.
Voice,
If yours was lovey dovey with his wife, how genuine could it be?
I know using the words trust and cheating MM don’t exactly go well together, but if you have a big sit down with your MM, do you think he would be straight with you??? Do you know enough about his timetable to know if he has time for any others????
I’m not sure, it was his wife told me that they don’t have sex anymore, if he had told me then maybe I’d have cause to wonder. I suppose it’s the same thing of not knowing what goes on behind the marital closed doors.
Yes, I think he would be honest with me, especially if I tell him I am concerned about passing diseases around. I don’t think he would be so careless as to not wear a condom and bring anything home to his wife. I say this with caution as he tried to get me to have sex with him without a condom while they were dating and I refused. When I brought up pregnancy and the girlfriend, he didn’t seem to concerned. I respect his privacy and know him well enough to know that he feels insecure about something, I just don’t know what. He is very open and is not hesitant with his feelings. I do not know if the problem lies with his wife or if he is just unhappy with life period. I can’t see that he has time for anyone else. The time he gives me, I know he takes from her. I am not designated to days of the week or nights only. We talk and sometimes see one another mornings, afternoons, nights, and weekends.
Curious question to all ladies, where are you?
I’m in Mississippi
I think my MM would be honest with me too, we’ve had some very open and honest conversations, although he can be very guarded about how he feels too, by the way I’m across the pond, I’m just outside London
Voice,
I know it’s hard to determine how often men have sex as they always seem ready:). However, my MM may not always want sex, but he seems to crave affection and intimacy. How is it with your MM? Does he seem lonely?
My MM is a family man(don’t laugh). He’s been married a very long time, he is the type of person to makes sure everyone else is happy before himself. He has a good life, provides for his wife and all that. She went through the menopause a few years back, and become very unhappy as a result. She told me that she and they don’t need sex anymore in their relationship. He agreed to this, but as a result I think they are both unhappy. He seems to think his wife is unhappy with him anyway. I think he gets very lonely, sometimes when he visits me, it’s not always about the sex, sometimes we can spend hours just talking about anything and nothing.
I love him and think the world of him, but he’s never promised me anything, he treats me well and we speak almost everyday. I know I am basically filling his need. I know we all say we don’t wanna fall for them but we do, but I’ve always known that he was never mine and he will always choose his wife over me.
So, is theirs “open”?
I think mine is attentive to the family needs as well. He pays the bills and does the things men are “supposed to do”.
No, it’s not open. His wife thinks they are fine and just that they don’t need the sex anymore at their time of life. I know her, and I think she would be devastated if she ever found out.
Voice,
Wow. She honestly believes this? You seem to be OK knowing he won’t leave his wife. I think this makes it more tolerable for me as well. I don’t want to be his wife and feel sorry for him at times that he doesn’t have what ne needs at home. I care for him and want him to be happy. I know that he has us both but the void lies elsewhere. I have one question before I put my son to bed, Should I ask if he has ever cheated on his wife or if there are others like me? Which one sounds nicer? I don’t want to make him feel bad with the question.
mary m,
How is everything?
I’m only ok with it, because he has always told me where I stand, as I said he has never promised anything. I asked my MM about anyone else when we first got together. All I said was, ‘Have you ever done anything like this before?’ Probably worked better worded this way cos we were at the start of things, but I would say ‘have there been any others like me?’ sounds better. But most importantly if you want to know for your peace of mind then ask, better that than to wonder about it. 🙂
Hello Ladies! It seems like alot has happenned since my last post, well w/ everyone here on the board. I hope things are looking up for all of us here, especially the Mary’s.
I realized today that I am totally, utterly & completely lonely. And I think it’s him who triggers it. After all of our ups & downs, he has always left me to deal w/ this lingering feeling of lonliness & uncertainty. It is not a good feeling.
Of course, we don’t speak on the weekends. That is when he plays house w/ her. And that is also when I go crazy in my thoughts. What are they doing, what are their plans, what did they do for dinner, what did they talk about before they went to bed, did they spend the day together, did they have sex, are they happy, did they have a good weekend or did they have a distant weekend.
The more I think, the more I have come to the heartbreaking conclusion that he is more than likely not going to end his current situation. (He has a live in girlfriend & has for the past year & I am his ex girlfriend, off & on for 6yrs, including their 1 yr together.)
And you know what? I don’t want to do this anymore! This is so unfair to me. What am I waiting for? What IS it that he wants me to wait for? Him to be AVAILABLE? I mean really!
Before things got too serious, I wanted no part of it, but I couldn’t stop talking to him, so I avoided him & spoke w/ him when I felt like it.
When things started to get serious, I fought it. I would give him the 3rd degree, yell & argue. Ask him why me, why now, why did we have to go thru so much shit for him to realize he wanted me? Apparently the answers he gave have satisfied me.
And when things 1st started to get serious, he don’t me that she knows he’s not happy & that it will be over by Christmas. As we go closer to Christmas he said that wasn’t the case anymore.
Then he was laid off 1wk ago, so now his plans for work include her to help him watch his son so he can commute to work down where I live. When before he was asking me to move in w/ him in March. Not to mention he wants me to get pregnant. WTF?
Maybe he is just CRAZY. Maybe this shit he tells me is just ridiculous nonsense. Becuz that’s what it seems like. Crazy talk.
It doesn’t help that I’m crazy too. We had been talking about taking a cruise in Sept. And now he says he can’t go. That’s in Sept. That means in Sept. he still plans on being w/ HER. And that means in Sept. He has no plans of really being w/ me & sharing his life w/ me not HER.
I am so jealous of HER, she comes out of nowhere & gets to play house w/ him in his new life! While I wait around for years for him to leave me over & over again! For him to pick her!
And while he goes thru this “in-between-jobs-and-I-am-so-frustrated”- he is calling me to be his listening ear. I mean, does he talk to her? I know he loves talking to me, do they not communicate? Does he treat her better? Worse? The same? All of these questions are driving me insane.
And everything he does while we are together would indicate that he is trying very hard not to get caught, and we share minimal time when he can sneak away, at the most 3 or 4 hours, 2x’s a month. And he washes up up when he leaves & never uses my girly bath products.
I don’t think I am going to answer his calls for awhile. Maybe non-chalantly answer so he’s not totally blind sided & won’t expect it & tell him I’ll call him back, I am busy. And this weekend is one he’s in town. I think I am going to be busy. Yes, busy… if only I could follow thru.
I am lonely becuz I am waiting for him. I stayed home all weekend & was SO sad, becuz I allow him to hold this power over me. I need to get my head straight, becuz my heart is leading me down the same path I have already taken before w/ him. And I don’t know if I can survive the destruction again.
Thanx for letting me vent. BTW, I am in California. All the best to you lovely ladies!
Lips,
Sorry, but this sounds terrible. Is there anyone else you are interested in so that he can become your other and not only? There is no reason to put your life on hold for him. Get out and live and talk to him when it is convenient for you. You should be fitting him into your schedule, not vice versa. Turn the tables on him.
Damn good advice Kristi,
Lips.
Don’t be at his beck and call. get other interests in your life and make him fit around you. Don’t ever be waiting for a married man, it’s sooo unlikely to happen. But just remember that if you deliver him the ultimatum, be prepared to stick it all the way through, or he’ll just think he can walk all over you and that’s just not on.
Thanks for the support Kristi & Voice.
I am working on being busy. I am at work this morning & so far have avoided 3 phone calls. Why do I feel bad for avoiding him? Why do I feel so loyal to him??
I do have other options, I need to get out again, you are all right. I need to make my life, full & enjoyable again. I spent all weekend moping, sad & lonely & wasted that free time. I was so excited to come to work! Imagine that!
I heard that today was Blue Monday, the saddest day of the year, due to aftermath of Christmas & unfufilled New Year’s resolutions. I don’t feel so blue today, perhaps it’s my denial or numbness coming thru.
I read this quote this weekend, “Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.” How perfect is that?
I am trying some deep breathing & getting engrossed in my work to make it thru today. I don’t know when I plan to talk to him, it is inevitable. But once I do, I will be here to share.
Wouldn’t it be so nice to all meet for coffee? Oh the stories we would tell.
Thanks again for letting me vent. 🙂
Lips,
Loved the quote–Thanks! Stay strong and remember that you are a person without him.
Its over! i told him i can’t do this anymore and that he has nothing to offer me and he agreed. i thought he would put up more of a fight, but he didn’t at all he said that it would be hard but that he thought it was the right thing too. i am comfused because he made it sound like his marraige was over even before i came into the picture but i didn’t question him. i am sad because chemistry like we had doesn’t come around every day, but i want to find it with someone available. we are still going to be friends just no benefits anymore. it is a little relieving to not have to worry about what he is going to do anymore. he is staying with her and thats the right thing. i am lucky that i got out before i really feel in love with him, because i could already feel that happening. thank you all for being there for me this has been really hard and i know it will still be hard until i am over him!
Wow Mary! What a big step. Good for you. Remember we are all here for you. It won’t be easy. I was reading the other article on here on breaking up w/ the married/attached man. Have you read it? I am sure it will be very helpful. I read it this weekend. It put alot in perspective. Isn’t amazing how we can put all this energy into the affair & then tell them we are done & they totally are fine w/ it while we agonize at even coming to the conclusion & taking the step?
So far today I have avoided 5 calls. Hope he doesn’t track me down at work.:p
Or maybe it will be easy?? It won’t be easy for me. I re-read what I wrote & it seemed harsh. I didn’t intend it to be. I hope it will be easy for you. I hope it doesn’t hurt for too long & I hope soon, this will all blow over & you will find happiness & true love.
Stay strong. I am trying to myself. I know stayong strong is not easy for me.
Even though I’m pulling in the opposite direction and don’t want my situation to end yet(I know it will eventually), well done both of you,
Be strong… 🙂
I just called him back & broke up w/ him & he was okay w/ it. He didn’t want to argue, he just said I was crazy (which I wasn’t) and I told him I can’t do this anymore becuz I am going crazy. I told him to forget it ever happenned. I meant the whole part where we told eachother that we loved one another.
I think I am going to throw up. It’s like I got socked in the stomach so hard. I can’t think, let alone work. Probably not the best time to do something like this, huh??
Lips,
It would never be a good time to break up, It’s going to be extremely hard. It’s been almost four weeks for me and I have my good days and my bad days. I feel so hurt because I am such a good person and I think men in general take advantage of the other woman at times. They think its alright how they can get away with what they do. Sometimes I hope his wife is making his life miserable and I hope she would find out about us. I would never tell because I am not that kind of person. I truly believe what goes around comes around. He’ll get his day. I believe in karma. I just hope its soon. LOL Everything was always about him. I told him I’ve been a single parent for nine years, I work and take care of the house, cook, do laundry and help my daughter with her projects. I think he thinks my life is a bed of roses. he says his wife makes him do everything. That’s his fault, I don’t think they sleep in the same bed. he lives four doors down from me and every morning at 6:15am I am leaving for work and his basement light is on. I think he sleeps down there. Otherwise why would you be down the basement that early in the morning everyday. I’m from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. My MM is 30 years old and I am 44. Talking about robbing the cradle, but he is so sexy. Before we hooked up he was so different, always asking me out. I thought he was joking because we are neighbors. I think if he left her, Him and his son would have half a life. He wouldn’t be sitting in the house, I would make sure he went out with friends, bowling, skating, ice skating, movies with his friends. He is missing out on so much and I blame both the parents not just her. My MM needs to get some b lls.
It’s horrible, it’s been such a bad day. I am not good at this. I called him back to tell him I loved him & to live his life & call me someday. Why would I do that? Then, I called after I left work becuase there was a bunch of layoffs & I have been paranoid that I would get laid off & I didn’t!! So I called to tell him since he knew about all the nonsense & we talked & he said he’d call me back but he didn’t. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can do it so abruptly. I don’t know if I can make it thru this. I am so sad & I haven’t had a proper cry over it yet. I need too. Thanks for listening ladies. You are all wonderful. Look at how wonderful & loving & supportive we all are & we are dealing w/ this shit. Go figure!
lips,
stop! stop calling him no matter how much you want to. if that means posting on here every fifteen minutes or going running whatever it takes to keep you strong. you can do this! my mom always told me that you can be in your room crying all day, but never let them know. you teach people how to treat you! i know its hard, but you told him it was over and he said ok, he said he would call you back but then he didn’t. he is not at home crying over this and i know that is hard to hear and i don’t want to be harsh, but let him go at least for now. he may really miss you, but you have to give him that chance. i just don’t want you to end up feeling worse about all this. its already hard enough!
i personally have been running around all day. i got so much accomplished today just to keep my mind off of him. it is really hard. he is still texting me and calling me. he tries to act like everything is normal, but its not for me. it is over! i have told myself that a 100 times today and i am going to keep repeating it until i just get used to it. its easy to just not return his texts or talk to him nonchalant like every thing is just like it was when we were just friends. funny thing is that we just crossed that line less than a month ago, but it is really hard to go back. the hardest part is going to be work this weekend, but hopefully i will be used to it by then. i know he told me earlier that he thought it should end too, but he has since gone back on that and has said that he doesn’t think he will be able to control himself around me. i told him that he will, because neither one of us want to wreck his marraige.
Thanks Mary M.- I needed to hear that. It is not harsh but true. And I might need to post on here all the time too! Ohh what an emotionally draining day. Why is it so hard to let go? What am I letting go of? Him? The idea of him? The far off hope? The memory of him? Because I really think this has nothing to do w/ him & all to do w/ me.
So, tomorrow is a new day & it is going to be baby steps. And I will continue to breathe & move foward. And I will figure out what I need to do w/ my life in order to make myself happy.
I am healthy & still employed so that’s a start. I will take it one day at a time. In the meantime, I am heartbroken. It is so sad to let the dream go.
Have a great day ladies–a man free day:).
Do men ever decide on their own to stop seeing other women if the other women don’t stop it or if they aren’t caught?
How many of us never call (I don’t mean return the MMs phone calls), but never initiate the first call of the day? How many of us are truly in control of this relationship? Do we say when, where, and how? or do we simply avail ourselves when they do make contact?
I don’t think my MM would end things unless he got caught out. I only contact him first when I know exactly where he is and if he’s gonna be alone.
Lips,
Mary M is spot on, if you say it’s over, don’t call him or text him, keep yourself as busy as you can, someone will always reply if you post on here….. 🙂 He only said you were crazy for breaking up with him, cos he’s gonna miss out on your time and attention. As for ending it so abruptly, I always think a sharp clean break is so much better than a long lingering ‘lets not have sex but be friends’ approach. I’m not saying you can’t be friends again after a break, but to get over him will be so much harder if you have the constant attraction of him in the background. Get on with things, I thimk you could end up surprising yourself with how well you do after a while.
Quote of the day:
“I don’t know why we all hang on to something we know we’re better off letting go..
It’s like we’re scared to lose what we don’t really have.
Some of us say we’d rather have that something than absolutely nothing.
But the truth is…To have it halfway is harder than not having it at all!â€
I heard this on the radio on my way to work as I wrestled w/ calling him. I didn’t.
Well done for not calling him…. How about this one….
Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls… because they can.â€
🙂
voice,
i think you are probably right about being just “friends”, because it still feels the same with him. i ended it yesterday we both agreed, but now it is back to the way things always were during the week except no plans to see each other. right now it feels fine and i am not hurting, but that might be because i have already talked to him today. i guess the real test will be when i am forced to see him on friday.
lips,
i feel like a hypocrite, because i told you not to talk to your mm and i am still in contact with mine. i do think that it is a little different though, because we are just friends now i think. i don’t know i am confused of what his motives are! we were friends for a few months and then we hooked up for 3 weeks and now we are back to friends. will that work?
I personally rather have no contact with my MM, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. That’s why I’m glad it’s winter time and I don’t see him as much as if it would be the summer time. What pisses me off the most is that when I see them together. How can he even look her in the eyes. I don’t know if he’s ever done this before, but he told me no. He may have lied for all I know. They just bought a dog yesterday, just what they needed. My MM was walking the dog this morning, like he doesn’t have enough to do. They buy their son everything, I think to replace him not having friends. His son is so anti-social, and I blame them both because he doesn’t go out. She wears the pants in that house. I do miss him so much and I think about him when I’m lying in bed at night. I don’t cry anymore. My life has to go on and I just pray that one day we will be together, you never know. We will all have our bad days and good days and the feelings won’t go away over night. It will get easier. They say set it free and if it comes back to you, it is yours and if it doesn’t it never was. Sometimes I get so mad because all the things he does for her and she doesn’t appreciate him. I would try to have as little contact as possible to make it easier on yourself girls
Mary L
Mary M,
I suppose the best thing you could probably do is wait til Friday, see what happens….. Do You think he’ll be touchy feely with you???, I think that maybe it will be difficult to be just friends if he is doing all the brushing past you etc etc.
Mary L,
Their life sounds so miserable….. What purpose does a dog serve??? Surely it can’t be for the boy, if he’s not allowed to go out much, he can hardly get any enjoyment from walking it, or taking it to the park or whatever!!!! Strange.
Help. I need some advice – sort of same situation? I dated someone and found out they were in the process of breaking up with someone. We were exclusive for some time then he changed; you know the story – he said he loved me, but things were complicated. Turns out he cheated on me; she pregnant and now he is living with her. I continue to see him. He did tell me he loved me. I have never told him how I feel. I love him. His smile, his voice, everything about him; except, his cheating. What do I do? Should I tell him how I feel before I decide on what to do?
Acinimin,
I don’t see a good outcome for this. Does she know about you?
Acinimin
When you say you continue to see him, do you mean seeing him or having a relationship/sex etc????. I think the odds are stacked against you, he’s already put you to one side in favour of someone else that he got pregnant while he was with you. Get out of the situation before he uses you any more.
Thanks for the input. I’m very confused as he wanted to continue the relationship and I refused to forgive the lies and that’s when he started seeing her and got her pregnant. I’ve had a very rough year dealing with other stuff and he’s been my support so I’m really struggling. She does not know about me. We are having a relationship – he claims he would not be with her if this did not happen. REading all your emails does make me think I’d better get out sooner rather than later.
Sorry if I’ve got this wrong, but does he claim that he’d be with you if she wasn’t pregnant?
So if I’m right and he can’t leave while she’s pregnant….surely it will be all the more difficult as time goes on and the baby’s born etc????
Seems to make the chances of him leaving her for you pretty slim.
Acinimin,
If he does leave, are you willing to accept this baby into your life? Are you willing to deal with the mother throughout your relationship with him? It appears she was deceived as well. I hope the two of you don’t take it out on each other. With a baby on the way, if he does choose you, it is imperative that the two of you are at least civil.
Thanks for the input Kristi. I am willing to accept it all. I’m just worried that I may not have made a stand either way. Am I looking through this with rose coloured glasses?
Acinimin,
This may sound flip, but live your life and if he comes to you when he is free, you have the option of taking him back. Don’t wait for him and don’t give up a new romance for him. If you have a new man when he comes back, tough luck for him. He will always be tied to his child’s mother. You cannot escape that. He is not your life. Don’t let him think that he is.
Acinmin,
Why is he with her? Is it because of the baby? Ask him what does he want. Do you know for sure if she is pregnant? maybe she is just saying that to keep him? Is she showing yet? Maybe he is lying? Find out more info on this situation. Good Luck, You can never trust what I guy tells you. Does she know about you?
Lips how are you today?
Voice
They buy him everything he wants because they don’t let him have any friends, no sleepovers. He’s not allowed to ride his bike around the corner. They still baby him, he’s going to be a sissy. I hate to say that. He does not go to school in our neighborhood. they drive him to a school where they use to live six years ago, never changed school. He is anti social just like the mother. How are you doing today?
Mary,
I do know she’s pregnant. Baby due this month. He claims he doesn’t want to screw up any more and this is the right thing to do. He says he’s sorry he lied to me, but has strong feelings. She knows nothing about me. I don’t understand why I keep this going, but can’t lay my cards on the table and tell him how I feel. Your stories make me think better to just walk away or I’ll be posting the same stories….
Hey ladies, I am doing well today. I am completely overwhelmed @ work & am SO busy & working overtime that the week has been a blur.
I have to report my slip up, I know, we’re here to talk & not judge but I didn’t last too long on the breakup.
Remember how he never called? After I broke it off & called again to talk about the layoffs? Well, I texted him a tongue & cheek song lyric & he called me back & said “I thought you were done, you keep changing your mind & you need to make it up”. Which ended in a mild conversation.
He called today & I talked to him briefly but I was inundated @ the office. BUT, I recvd a strange call today & I think it was HER.
It was from a blocked #. I answered & said “Hello” a few times before a female said “Dirty Bitch”. I don’t know who else would call me & say that. I called him & went off. I asked if she knew & told him he needed to check her cuz I don’t have time for the drama. It really set me on edge. I felt like I was in high school.
I think it was her. I think she is smart and I think she is calculated. He thinks she doesn’t know. I think she does. If she accuses him, it’s becuz she has doubts & she has doubts becuz she knows. I’m thinking that she has looked @ his phone bills & call logs on his phone & texts & she is figuring things out. If she calls the random # on his phone bill & test messages & it’s a girl, it confirms what she already knows. I don’t know.
And really, I don’t have the time to think about it today. I have to log onto my email & finish up some work. Glad I still have a job & glad it is keeping me busy.
Not sure where I’m at but I have weekend plans, work is busy & my head is crammed w/ so much else that I am not even thinking of him today.
I just hope that my mood picks up & I am enjoying myself while I am keeping busy. I hope that it keeps me distracted & then helps me from getting so caught up in all of THIS.
How is everyone else doing?
Acinimin, if she is pregnant & due so soon, I think it will be very hard once the baby comes. It is my worst fear that SHE gets prognant. Becuz then he is w/ her, bound to her for life. Where is he at w/ this? He is still actively pursuing you?
Voice, Kristi & Mary’s- all the best.
Hi Ladies, Hope everyone is ok.
It’s my MM’s wedding anniversary today, it gets me down a bit(don’t really know why?) I try not to think about it too much, usually just keep busy. However I often wonder how he feels on occasions and family get togethers like this.
Voice,
I hope you have a good day:). I often wonder the same. How can you come from a family gathering and call me? How can you wake up and tend to your child and call me? My MM even called me the day he got back from their honeymoon (they had a late one). I was shocked to say the least.
Do you think he will act differently toward you tomorrow?
Kristi,
No I don’t think he’ll be any different, well he wasn’t last year anyway. I know exactly what you mean though, it sometimes seems strange to see or speak to him on days that really don’t have anything to do with me. as I said I just wonder on occasions like this what he’s thinking or feeling. As I said before he values his family life so much. Maybe he feels torn or at least distracted I suppose
Voice,
I don’t know if they are torn. It is odd to me. My MM loves his child, and I’m sure his wife. Perhaps it’s the fact that they really “can’t” talk to us during that time/those days and it makes them want to contact us more?
It often makes me uncomfortable–is it love or psychopathology–i.e. Scott Peterson calling Amber during Laci’s memorial? I know the example is extreme, but is it so different?
My MM has a baby at home and I often ask him, Where is your baby? Why aren’t you at home? I have to initiate his leaving me and it makes me uneasy. Why wouldn’t you want to go home? How complicated could home be? Home should be your safe-haven, where you WANT to go to get away from it all. It should not be the place you reluctantly retreat to everyday.
Can clearly identify with all of you. I’m in love with him…totally. But as some of you rightly said, I chose him and I knew what I was getting myself into. You have to know when enough is enough. Love yourself!
Wow i never knew we were this many OW! its amazing. I found this site only last week when as if a meteorite fell from venus and hit me and told me “Girl, what the hell are you doing to yourself.” I mean not that i did not beat myself down for getting into the relationship a year ago?
But ever since the beginning of this year, i am seeing my attached man in a different light than i saw him when i was madly in love with him. Just talking to him knowing very well what he is doing to me just disgusts me.
You see thats what happens, they get us hooked, blinded and then we are trapped, thinking we can never get out. But let me tell you all me fellow strong(even though you do not see yourselves as so) beautiful women, we are better than that. we are better than being thrown at crumbs ( who said we are dogs), we are better than being left in the cold on hoilidays and weekends wondering when they will call again, we are better than crying ourselves to sleep because they are not there to dry our tears and hold us the whole night to tell us they love us.
Its time to make a change ladies. I have been trying to get out of this mess for the longest so dont think i am the strongest woman alive. but enuff is enuff and now im brighter and one very disillusioned woman. I am willing to let him go.
The first and last advice given in this section are the best. “Plan your escape” and “Dont cope with being the other woman”. I am doing mine right now as i write and it feels so good coz he doesnt know wat is coming. I am picking up my pieces and ready to start a new life. Its time to say as Beyonce says “To the left, to the left…dont you ever for a second get to thinking……… your IRREPLACEABLE!!!” Oh i love that song.
So ladies do you think you can do this with me? Do you think you are ready to get them shackles off your feet so you can walk? Walk away from this imprisonment and into the freedom we deserve? Do you? If not at least do it for better mental, emotional, psychosocial and spiritual health. And stop worrying yourselves with the never ending questions. Do it for you, because who is gona love you better than you do?
Im DUNN, and i am praying very hard that i do not fall into the black hole again. But now i resent him so much i dont think i can love him again. Love comes and goes ladies, but your heart will always be with you, be good to it. you only have one heart anyway! Good Luck yall and please wish me luck too!
disillushioned,
i do wish you the best, however i don’t think that everyone here is at the same place as you.
i gave mine up the other day or at least i think i did… maybe! i know that staying friends is a reciepe for disaster, because already after only a couple days his tone is changing. he said earlier today that he thinks something is wrong with him, because he almost ruined his marriage this week, but he still can’t stop thinking of me. i told him to stop and that we are just friends now, but i still liked hearing it. i know i am going to want to hook up with him tomorrow night. the problem is that i don’t really care that he is married before she found out i knew that this was going nowhere and i was having fun just living in the moment.
thank goodness for myspace! i saw a comment she posted to her best friend saying “thanks for everything this weekend and will you go up to the bar with me on friday?” i know that she is going to say something to me. he promises that she won’t, but i know that if she doesn’t her best friend definitely will. i am just so greatful that i am prepared for it this time. last week was brutal!
voice,
maybe he is not happy with her and in that case it ould make him miss you more, but i also think that it is possible to love 2 people. he could just be used to leading a double life so even on days like this it doesn’t make him stop thinking of you.
mary m,
Be careful! Maybe you should ask a friend up there as well. I would hate for them to jump on you. Does the bar have security????
Disillusioned,
Good luck with getting over your MM,
Mary M,
Just remember you are entitled to be able to get on with your work, if she or her friend give you that much hassle, then can you have them ejected??? Whatever they think of you, to activily seek you out to attempt to humiliate/go of on one at you is wrong, and causing you problems at work isn’t on, will he be there? maybe if he is, he should keep her in line.
I don’t really know to much about my MM’s home life, I try not to ask, cos I’d rather not know, in case I don’t like the answer…. 🙂
he will be there and hopefully at the same bar as me. i don’t think they will do anything crazy especially since she is trying to save her marraige even after he said that he doesn’t know if its possible. so i think that they will just stare and make snide remarks under their breath. i work at a night club so we have a ton of security, but i wouldn’t really want to get his wife kicked out mainly because i don’t want anyone to know about this.
oh i totally forgot to tell you guys… remember how he stayed with me until 6am on saturday and then she sent me that nasty text?? well she never said anything to him for being out so late!!! how messed up is that? he didn’t know about the text he said she must have gone through his phone as soon as he went to sleep and he said that he doesn’t think she knew that he was with me. if she didn’t know then why did she text me less than an hour after i got home? and where did she think he was til 6am?
Mobile phones have a lot to answer for…… I’m single, but I delete anything incriminating on mine. I don’t think anyone would go through my phone, but as me and my MM have mutual friends it seems safer just in case.
How can she not wonder where he is til 6 am, thats just odd to not even want an explanation. If she didn’t know it was you why even bother texting???. Naive of him to think that she wouldn’t work it out I think
I just want to say that I think it is so odd that my MM wife never looked at his phone or his bill. She doesn’t have a cell phone because she would bother him too much. She calls all the time when we were together and after awhile she would get their son to call. He use to come in my back door and we live four doors down from each other, he really took a risk. I miss him so much but I knew I had to do this. I don’t even know if he thinks about me and that hurts. It’s so difficult living on the same street. He hasn’t tried to contact me after I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. I don’t know if he is mad? I think he has too much on his plate? He told me he was attracted to me because I am independent. I do everything my self, I’m a single parent. We never went out on a date. He would come over my house or we would go park some place. I got tired of that. I hope one of us gets what we want for Valentine’s day. I still have hope.
Mary L,
I think my MM is stupid if he thinks his wife doesn’t look at his phone or computer as he is on it all hours of the night. He says everything has a password, but that would raise my suspicions as well.
Does anyone do anything for valentine’s day with their MM’s, I’ll get mine a small present, I don’t ever get him a card for valentine’s day or any occasion, as he can’t keep anything like that. He sent me some flowers to my house. he also got me a bracelet last year.
Voice,
My MM usually gives me gifts for holidays.
Give him back his free meal ticket and pat his cute lil’ ass and tell him to stay home. Good Boy!
i have to go to work in an hour. i have such mixed emotions about it. on one hand i really cant wait to see him, but on the other hand i know that she will be there and i hate him for putting me through this! do you ever feel that way?
It’s the strong love & hate thing. I love mine as much as I hate him. I think she knows & I think he is laying low, he hasn’t called in 2days, which isn’t like him. Or, he has taken my 1day break up seriously. 🙁
Thinking of you Mary M, Hope work goes ok, we’re here whether it does or doesn’t. 🙂
Lips,
If it’s unlike him to not call, then he may well be laying low, I’m sure he’ll call when he can.
Mary M
In answer to your Q, Not sure I hate my MM at times, I hate the situation, that gets me down even though I have no place to argue about it. I also hate when we have something planned, and it gets wrecked at the last minute. That thankfully hasn’t happened too often, but it’s a huge disappointment when it does
this whole thing gets crazier every weekend!!! last night around 9pm she texted me with “i forgive you for everything that happened, if i forgave him then i guess i have to forgive you. i would like to talk to you when i come in.” i was at a different bar then him so i forwarded him the texts and asked him what i should do. he said that he wanted to talk to her first. i was so torn over what to do and i didn’t know if she would really walk across the club to the bar i was at just to talk to me, but then i turned around and she was there with his sister who i guess she is close with. it was still early in the night and they were the only 2 at my bar.
i told her i was sorry and i didn’t know how this happened. she said that they were working things out and that if him and i were to remain friends that she wanted to be comfortable with me. i almost fell over!!! she is actually allowing us to be friends!!! she said that he is not giving her a choice in the matter that he is not willing to let me out of his life at least as a friend and that is something she has to deal with. i felt so bad for her. how could she accept that? i would be out the door! she also asked me what we talk about so much. and i assured her that we didn’t talk about her and that he never said a bad word about her, which is true. i told her that if she wasn’t comfortable with us being friends i understood, but she just said again that he didn’t give her that option. he didn’t lie to me about anything. everything he said he told her was true and he told her EVERYTHING!!! he didn’t blame me for any of it he took ALL the blame! i am still in shock that she could accept this and forgive him and i’m even more shocked that she could forgive me!!!
is this crazy or what??? how are we going to be just friends? it didn’t work last night. i just wanted to talk about the whole thing in private so we sat in my car, but we started kissing and i kicked him out! i told him i cant do this! she was so sweet and how can i accompany him in breaking her heart? i just like him so much, but if i look at the way he is treating her it makes me wonder if he is the kind of person really want in my life. it is hard for me to see him as anything, but amazing, BUT am i blind? what do you girls think about this whole thing? i am so confused!!! should i just end it? how can i end when i like him so much???
Mary M,
He’s not trying to make it work with her. Why does he continue to stay with her did you ever ask him? He should really consider leaving her if he’s not going to try. Somtimes I hate my MM because I feel he is getting away with murder. I haven’t seen or heard from him in five weeks since I broke it off. I do miss him and in a way I wish he would call. He looks like something is bothering him, I don’t think he is happy about our situation. We have not gone out on a date in over a year in December. That is just not right. I’m standing my ground, he only came around when it was convenient for him. I hate seeing them together. it must be nice to see him at work. When I see my MM I feel like a teenager and I get butterflies in my stomach. I wish things were different for us.
Oh wow Mary M. Wow. What a nite. Wow. I don’t know what I’d do. I’d be so torn. That other person factor & now you have spoken w/ her, can put a face to the name & idea. Looks like he want to have his foot in the door w/ you while sitll staying w/ her??? If this is all coming to a head, maybe you can back out for awhile, while he’s figuring it all out??? What does he want? You two are friends w/ chemistry & it’s obvious he is talking & communicating w/ you & not her. It is you that he has that passion for right now. Why did they end up together? So many questions. How was the nite resolved? Where are you at now? Ladies, this board is great & I feel like I know all you, sometimes I wish I could pick up the phone & call you!
Mary M,
What can I say….. when your mind rings that bell, then run like hell, Your MM sounds like a prize manipulator, if I didn’t know any better I’d say he’d got his wife to believe that she is somehow to in part to blame for his straying. I have quite a wide circle of friends here tonight, with various experiences and after chatting we’ve come to the conclusion that that is what he has possibly done, Otherwise why would she forgive you both so easily. general opinion here is she would of scratched your eyes out by now(maybe it’s cos we’re british..lol)
He obviously has no intention of trying to salvage his marriage, and keep you as a friend. If he did, you wouldn’t have ended up kissing (well done for kicking him out btw)
Seems to me that he just wants both and can’t/won’t make a firm decision.
Lips,
I used to chat to my MM’s wife a lot and know a fair bit about her, but since I’ve started seeing him, I’ve backed off big time. She’s a lovely person, and I don’t think I could be how I was with her with what I’m doing. i think it’s a lot harder when you know the wife.
Voice,
I think it’s easier for me because I know the wife. It is easier for me to figure out what may or may not be going on. IF and when he decides to tell me how he got to this point, I would believe him. His wife is OK, but they were never friends and I think that is why they are having problems. I think they love each other as mates and not people first, if that makes sense to anyone. If I see her, I will speak and move on. I’m sure she knows what her husband is doing. I don’t think he makes it to bed any night before 1 or 2 in the morning. Surely, this means something to her. If she hadn’t noticed, I can’t blame him for seeking comfort elsewhere.
I agree with you Kristi, it does have advantages sometimes, for example it was his wife that told me a lot of details about their relationship, and she told me they weren’t having sex, would anyone believe it if their MM said that, My MM is with me for the comfort he doesn’t get at home. Most of my contact with my MM is during the day, sometimes evenings but never as late as your MM. If I see his wife, I will be polite and have a general chit chat, but I don’t feel comfortable delving any deeper than that anymore.
Voice,
My MM is a very sexual person, not demanding, but he enjoys it. It is part of who he is, so I can’t imagine him not being this way with his wife or her not wondering why he is less interested, if he even is. It’s almost like he stays up on the phone or online with me until he is exhausted so that when he goes to bed he will fall fast asleep. Unless he drugs her, surely she knows he is on the phone/online in the other room.
Kristi
I have the view and it’s not always popular with my friends, but I think a fairly important part of any good relationship is sex, I’m not saying that anyone should be forced into anything, but I think it’s pretty common that a lot of relationships start to suffer because of the lack of intimacy. It seems to be common in both our situations, that the guys need to seek the intimacy elsewhere. What do you think????
Perhaps the medical issues have it. You know what yours is. I don’t know about mine. Perhaps something is going on with her medically and she doesn’t have the desire. I can’t imagine not wanting to work on this in a marriage. I think sex is a very healthy aspect of a marriage.
Maybe I’m just old fashioned, and think a girl should look after her man….. lol
Voice,
I agree. My MM is very specific about some things, but he is not a baby about it. Certain things “effect” him and he is not afraid to say it or ask for it. Perhaps she got tired of his requests. I guess I am old-fashioned as well.
Kristi,
From my situation point of view, I think it was really unfair of his wife to just decide that she and they as a couple didn’t need sex anymore. He agreed to this, because he didn’t want to pressure her, cos he’s a decent guy, but he is also a guy…. 🙂 He enjoys the physical, but we also spend alot of time talking about stuff, sometimes just to unwind, chat about what’s gone on in the day etc etc. I’m not saying he’s one of these ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ types. he’s never claimed anything like that. I just think he feels unloved and undesirable. Think he just likes to be wanted, then and again, don’t we all
Voice,
Your guy sounds like mine. Before the marriage, he would call me over just to lay in bed with him. He hates being alone. When I got there, he would hold me and go fast asleep. I hate that marriage didn’t end this loneliness for him.
I don’t know if my MM doesn’t like being alone so much, I think it’s more a case of he’s Mr Dependable for everyone else, always the one to shoulder the problems and all that. I think it’s a classic case of he sorts out everyone elses issues, but doesn’t feel he has anyone to talk to about his.
i ended it for real last night at least for now. i didn’t talk to him that much last night because we were at different bars and then after work i was stuck talking to someone else for an hour. we did walk out together though and he kissed me for a second, but i pulled away and told him i had to go. i texted him when i got in my car saying:
” this isn’t working for me. if you are working things out then you definitely should but it can’t be both anymore!”
he wrote back ” i think i should try to work things out with my wife but i also want you. i don’t want to end things between us but if it is not working for you then i guess we should stop.”
i wrote: “its not working for me and i want to stop!
he never got back to that. it was so hard to say and i don’t really want to stop, but its gotten to the point where it is more pain then pleasure. its not fun anymore and i like him so much, but i want more! i know that he can’t give me that right now and hopefully either he will be free or i will find someone who is and forget about him. it really pissed me off that he said that he thinks he should try and work things out with his wife but he still wanted to see me. it is IMPOSSIBLE to work on your marriage while having an affair. i think he needs to stop being selfish and decide what he really wants and i don’t think that he will leave her right now, but i won’t be his girl on the side anymore!
it was so hard last night to leave him like that, but i hope that it will get easier with time. my manager has heard the rumors about us and now she has decided to split us up. it sucks everyone is talking, but at least we wont be at the same bar anymore!
thanks you all for all of your advice this would be so much harder without you!
MM I know exactly how you feel, I didn’t want to stop seeing my MM but I had to for the same reason. I would cry and get hurt all the time when they went out or he would do things for her and not me. I was getting more pain then pleasure most of the time. I still have my good days and bad days, but mostly good days, it gets easier. Sometimes I think he doesn’t even think about me because he hasn’t tried to contact me. That hurts. One day you may be with him for the right reason. I hope everyday that my MM leaves his wife. I wanted more, I just wanted to be taken out on dates. I don’t think I was asking too much. I never asked him to buy me anything or do anything around my house for me. I’m very independent. any comments would be apprecitated
mary m,
You did the right thing. He is playing games.
Mary L,
You don’t know that he isn’t thinking about you. Perhaps it is just too close for comfort. I want to be strong as I did well when I was away from my MM. I can do it again and I can have a healthy relationship with someone else. Do you feel this is not an option for you? Are you putting off decent men in the hopes you two will be together soon?
I hope everyone is doing ok. I can’t thank this group enough for the support that it has given to me. Just reading the post and knowing that I’m not alone has helped. I can relate to sooooo many of you.
I haven’t posted in awhile. The last time I did, it was to tell the group about finding the song that my mm gave me on his wife’s myspace page.
I did talk to him about that, he said that he didn’t even know that she liked that kind of music and it was something that he listed to at home. He had no other explanation and said he really doesn’t know why she would put that one on there because it was just a song to her. Oh well.
Since then, I’ve looked at her myspace page, she has changed the entire thing, started to add more and more friends and even a blog.
She talks alot about being married to her bestfriend and how they are still going strong. It really just makes me want to PUKE. If only she knew that he didn’t feel the same way as she does. Then again maybe he does and it’s all a game to him.
My mind goes nuts when I see stuff like that. I read someone’s post on here where they said that they wonder what thier mm and his wife does all weekend….. what they are having for dinner, where they go, are they having sex and so on. I am EXACTLY the same way. I have tried ending it several times because I can’t handle my own thoughts sometimes…
I wish I never looked at her stupid myspace page but I can’t help it I’m NOSEY!
heartbroken,
I wonder the same thing–how does he really feel about his wife? Is he head over heels in love? Am I putting a twist on everything to explain his behavior? If it’s not a game, WHAT IS IT?
I guess thats the thing, if you’re gonna look at her myspace, then you have to be prepared for some uncomfortable reading, especially if she feels every thing is peachy.
Why is it so important to know what he is doing????
Voice- I don’t know why I look at her page…. I guess I’m really insecure in the relationship that I have with my mm and want to really know how things are between him and his wife.
He tells me that he doesn’t love her and that he is trapped- living with the woman he is married to and being in love with me. So I guess I have to look at her page always hoping that there is something on there that indicates that they aren’t happy- just to confirm what he says to me. Who knows maybe she just puts crap like that on there to look good for her friends.
The reason why I always wonder what they are doing is because I wish that it was us.
For those of you who have done this for a while, years… how do you mentally do it? What I mean is … how do you cope not being with him, knowing that he is with his wife?
Am I looking at things the wrong way, is that why I’m having such a hard time dealing with this relationship? Any advice?
Thanks for listening!
Heartbroken,
I wouldn’t say you’re looking at it the wrong way, and I’m not being at all critical when I ask why is it so important. I’m not sure if this will make much sense, but the way I deal with it is like this, it may sound a bit cold in places, but it works for me.
I love the time me and my guy get to spend together, some weeks I see him a lot others it might just be phone calls, but I’ve always tried to keep it in a box I suppose. I know that when he isn’t with me, then that is his time with his wife & family. What difference would it make to know what he is doing, No amount of fretting or being stressed will change that or make him return to me quicker. I knew when I got involved that he was married. I also knew that if I wanted him, then I had to be prepared to share him as he was never mine to begin with. He’s never promised me anything, we have what we have and thats it. When he leaves me, he gets on with his life and I get on with mine. You cannot have an MM as the centrepiece to your life, it just doesn’t work. If I begged my guy to stay when I know full well he has to go home, then it would just end the time we’d had together on a slightly sour note, because at the end of the day he still has to leave me, there’s no getting away from it. So really I guess I’m saying no stressing I do will change the situation, so why worry.
mary l,
just because he hasn’t contacted you doesn’t mean that he isn’t thinking of you. honestly if he cares about you then it is kind of him to leave you alone. he may end up missing you and realize that his marriage isn’t working, but if he doesn’t then he is doing the nice thing by staying away. i know that you miss him and i am going through that right now too, but we both need more! this is also the only way to push them into making a decision even if the decision is to stay with her. if we continue to let them have both then what would rush them to change that?
Voice,
I want to thank you for sharing that with me. Last week, he was back from his vacation and before he returned I had it in my mind that if I wanted this to work out on any level then I needed to find away to fit him in my schedule and not to keep changing everything to fit in his. So when called Monday morning I had a few minutes to talk and then I had to go because I had an appointment. Any other time I would have stayed and talked to him as long as he could, even if that meant that I kept my person waiting. So when I had to go I said I had to go. Through out the week I continued to do the same, if he caught me at a bad time I told him that I had to go and didn’t give in to work around him.
On Friday I tried to explain to him that I wanted it to work for us but it needed to fit in my life as well. He view on the week is this…. that I was being stubborn.
You’re absolutely right about how to deal with your relationship and I need to take your advice because I want us to last, I want to find away to make it last, more than anything I want to stop putting the focus on finding out how his home life is and start putting it on making him smile everyday, like I use to. I don’t get to see him very often, a couple of times a month, at lunch time but he does call everyday when he’s at work, sometimes a few times a day. I guess I need to realize that he is giving me everything that he can at this time in his life. I need to accept that, I need to accept that I am the other woman.
Thanks again Voice, I appreciate it.
Take care.
I think it must be so difficult to live so close in Mary L’s case, and work together in your case Mary M, eventhough you are on seperate bars now. There is a fair bit of distance between me and my guy, which I think helps a lot.
heartbroken,
I have known my MM for over ten years. We have been on and off the majority of that time. The longest time apart was this past year. I just decided that he was contacting me too much and it made me uncomfortable. Now, I have allowed him back (for what, I’m not sure). I think I am able to handle this as it is total acceptance that he is married, will probably stay married, and he is not a person that I love enough to marry anyway.
HB,
I think a big part of being the other woman is letting go of the emotional angst that goes with it. I am in no doubt that I love my guy, but those are my feelings. I don’t regret falling for him, eventhough I wish the situation was different, I know what I am to him. I know I make him feel good and we have a great time together. We work for each other, he gets what is missing from his marriage, and from my point of view, I’ve been the wronged wife, and the thought of comitting to someone available worries me as I don’t want to get hurt again. My guy’s unavailability prevents that possibility.
Kristi,
I think you’re right when you say it’s acceptance of the situation, Do you think a lot of the problems from affairs come from empty promises to essentially keep the other woman sweet???
Voice,
It has to be. I’ve never asked and he has never promised. He knows that we have separate lives; we just remain drawn to each other. We work because there are no expectations.
I feel for the women who have been promised the world, only to be told they have to wait for it. I prefer honesty.
Kristi,
Couldn’t of put it better myself….lol 🙂
My mm has never made promises to me, instead he says stuff like…..”it’s hard because we both want more” or “we just can’t have what we both want right now”…… So he has never made a “promise” to me but he does imply stuff.
A few times I have asked him if he sees me in his future, because I prefer honesty as well…at least I can deal with the truth. His response is always the same… “I can’t answer that, well it has to answers…. I want you in my future but I don’t know if it will happen”
It’s hard to read a person like this.
mary m,
PLEASE don’t take this the wrong way–but is this love or lust? If you love him, what things/aspects of him make you love him?
heartbroken,
What specific questions do you want to ask him?
I am 34 and been married for 10 yrs. I have been in a relationship with a man for nearly a year and a half. We work for the same agency but in different buildings. He has had the same girlfriend for nearly 3 years and is engaged for over a year. It started out innocent. Talking and he wanted to talk online. For over a year, he dilifently texted my cell every single day all day long. Literally. He was always the initiator. Of course, things didn’t remain on a friend level. He made it clear he wasn’t happy with his situation because his girlfriend worked long hours and she has 2 children and lives with her mother. They only see each other on Friday nights. He would confide in me and tell me everything. I would give him advice on what he should do, such as give it time, she might just be afraid of committment. But he began to say things to me about how pretty I was and that he wanted me to come to his house. I eventually did. After 4 months, we had sex. In the duration of our year and a half relationship, we had sex about 5 times. He told me a couple times that if it didn’t work out with her that he wanted to be with me. Of course, I hung on to that. But I finally got tired and ended it. We never fought, we got along great. We laughed constantly. But I just couldn’t handle it anymore. It hurts. But in my mind, if it was meant to be it would naturally work out and everything would fall into place. Actually, this is the 2nd time I’ve ended it. About 4 months ago I did and we started talking again. He told me he missed me and that he didn’t have anyone to talk to. I was his confidant and very good friend. But, I’m glad I finally got my wits together and told myself I AM THE OTHER WOMAN. I just hope God can forgive me.
Hi Mary,
I know what you mean, I keep thinking, “Lord, are you going to strike me down today.” My MM doesn’t seem to care at all about the consequences.
Hello ladies! Hope all you had good weekends.
Hi HB, I was the one who wrote about obsessing on the things he does when he is with her. It is a problem & makes me go crazy. Last weekend was the worst. I stayed home & was so lonely & sad & stuck in all of it, almost immobile, depressed.
This weekend I decided not to do that. I was so busy at work that the week flew by & this weekend I made the effort to keep busy. I called & spent time w/ my friends. My son & I went out all day today. Went to the movies, got my nails done… Simple things but it was nice.
And I even saw him briefly. I mean the weekend wasn’t perfect. And our time was brief but it wasn’t the center part of my weekend.
While I was out, I didn’t think about him. At all. And when I did, I thought this must be what life is like for him. He does all these things, w/ her of course & is distracted & for the most part doesn’t think of me.
I am always wondering about them, what they do together & wish it was me & him. And I think about my life & everything I do & what it would be like to include him. And I wonder sometimes if I would want to share it all w/ him.
When he & I were together (because @ one time he was mine ONLY) we had a very seperate relationship. Not in a bad way, but he would go out w/ his friends, me w/ mine but still have our time. I am pretty independent. Maybe I don’t want to share too much of my life w/ him? Maybe I never did? Maybe these walls I put up protect me? But do they really? Because I am still hurting.
It’s almost easier to not think about him, because he is not part of my real life, nor I his. But that makes me sad. It takes away the value of what we have. We do have something. We have to. And it has to be more than just sex. I can get sex anywhere. I mean, why go thru all this just for sex??
I mean on one hand it makes me feel good to know I am what he desires sexually, that I take care of him in that regard better than her. And it makes me feel good to know that I am his confidant & a friend that knows him & understands *but* then I kill myself obsessing on what SHE is to him. They are not married yet, as far as I know there are no plans & if they were I think I might die… What is keeping him there?? Is he as sick as I am??
I asked him once why we had to go thru so much to realize that we wanted to be together & he said he was younger & wasn’t thinking about his future then… I don’t know… Does anyone watch “Sex in the City”??? Well, He is my Mr. Big. And right now, he is w/ Natasha & having an affair w/ me… and if you watch the show than you know how it ended & this is what I hope for.
And he is one of those assholes who is promising me a future, there is just no difinative date. What a mess it is…
Wishing you all the best, always.
I think a guy that promises the future constantly will always find a reason to not leave his wife. I agree with Kristi, I’ll take honesty and knowing where I stand every time.
Lips, as I said to heartbroken, what difference does your obsessing make to your relationship. Your worrying about it, doesn’t alter anything does it???
So why put yourself through it??
I think we need to realize that this is not about the wives or about us. This is about them. Something is going on with them and they have not or choose not to deal with their issues without compromising their vows. Perhaps they got married for the wrong reasons and don’t see a feasible way out. It is hard to get out of any relationship once you become complacent.
There is no need to spend your days wondering about where they are and what they are doing. Stay in control of the situation. It is what it is and the only way to actually change the situation is to get out of it.
kristi,
i am not in love with him. i am sure lust has something to do with it, because everytime i look at him i want to rip his clothes off, but really i just like him a lot. that is why i chose to get out now, before i fell in love with him. i know that that is bound to happen if i keep seeing him and then it will hurt even worse!
Hi Lips…
Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone with what goes on in my head. I’m trying to change, trying to see that my relationship with my mm is just an affair, trying not to make him the center of my universe anymore. I’ve realized that my biggest problem is that I want to treat him like he is only mine, I want to give him the world, I want to treat him like I would if we were together. That needs to stop, I need to treat him like it’s an affair not like he is my husband or boyfriend. I can be his friend but I can also live MY life.
He called me today from work, we talked for a long time and I asked him why he continues with me when things are so great at home. He said things at home are more tolerable but not great. I will take that for what it is and not analyze it to death.
The things I have read on her myspace page and other places that she has posted have only hurt me. I have decided not to look anymore, or at least not as often. I don’t need to worry about her life, only mine. I know that it’s easier said than done but I’m ready to change. The only person I can control is myself and I need to stop obsessing over what they do together. All I need to know, is that no matter what they are doing together I am always in the back of his mind. No matter what he is not giving her all of his attention or love because I am in his life. As cruel as this sounds I get some satisfaction knowing this.
No matter what happens in my life I will always know that he will have regrets about his life. Either about me or staying with her.
Thanks again everyone for letting me vent. After the day that I’ve had I needed it.
One of the ironic things about my guy is that although I share him. He readily admits that he wouldn’t be able to share me with anyone else. He said to me at the start if I met someone I thought I could make a go of things with, then to give him up and go for it . Does any one elses guy think the same???
My situation is different, both my mm and myself are married to other people. So, to answer your question, no.
this is so hard!!! i told him this needed to end, but i guess part me thought he would beg me or leave her. instead he did what i asked and stopped texting me or calling me. i know it is what i want and what is best, but i have been depressed all day! i guess it is easier for him, because he has her and when it comes down to it thats what he wants, right? in the beginning of all this i was dating someone, but i kinda lost that in the midst of this so now i am alone. it is really hard especially, because i know he is not. i mean he says he likes me so much and can’t stand the thought of not talking to me or seeing me all week, but how hard is it for him really? i do have a date tomorrow night with a guy i met at work. he seems like a good catch, but i am not even interested in going. i am only doing it to pass the time and hopefully distract me. i did so much today trying to get my mind off of him, but i had tears in my eyes all day!
mary l,
i know it has been 5 weeks for you, so has it gotten easier? have you dated anyone else? if so did that help?
Lips,
I do the same thing I drive myself crazy by wondering what they are doing together. It never bothered me before we started seeing each other. Now it drives me crazy. I get myself so upset sometimes. I want to do things with him. His wife only talks to two people on our whole block. She’s been here six years and she doesn’t even go out of her way to say hi to the neighbors. Her son is the same way, they are both anti social and I know its because she doesn’t let him out to play with other kids. We needs to get away from her if he is ever going to have a life. I feel sorry for him. I don’t think she is a bad mother just overly protective of him for being eleven years old. None of them have a life. How is work going Mary M? I don’t understand how his wife let’s him continue to work at the same place. I could never deal with that. I think about him every night while I’m laying in bed. I miss him so much. Thanks for listening.
Mary M
It has gotten easier. But I have my bad days too. More good days though. I still cry at times when I am getting my period. I get emotional. I haven’t dated anyone else yet. I really don’t go out that much only with my married girl friends twice a month. I am a single parent and on the weekends I drive my daughter and her friends places, or they hang out in my house in the basement and I can’t leave them alone in my house they are only 14-16 years of age. I don’t trust them. They are up my house five out to the seven nights. If I went out and left my daughter with her friends on the street I wouldn’t feel comfortable, I would wonder what she is doing. My parents are 82 and 84. I cant’ ask them to watch her because they like to go to bed early. I wish I more single friends at times. Even if they just came over and hung out at my house. I am content staying in on the weekends, I gotten so use to it, I don’t drink so I’m out of the bar scene.
Mary M.- I understand what you are going through. I have ended it many times, like you I those same thoughts, that he would leave his wife and want to be with me. But each time he has only done what I have asked him to- to leave me alone. I never understood how a person who says that he loves you wouldn’t even call to try to get you back in your life on some level. But he never did, it was always me going crawling back to him. Try not to make the same mistakes that I have because it only gives him more power in your relationship.
My mm is very passive, gives into his wife all the time- she is treated like a little princess. He is sooooo passive. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be inlove with someone so passive but I am. Just out of curiousity what personality type would you say that your mm is?
Good Luck Mary M. We are here if you need support.
heart,
i don’t think he is passive at all. i think he definitely wears the pants in that relationship and she is the passive one. when she first found out and i said that it was over he told me that he didn’t want it to be over for us, but that his marriage was over. i think now he is just testing me. even if he doesn’t text me all week he knows that he will see me on friday. i told him that we were just work friends now so i guess i will see friday if he also grants that request and doesn’t touch me or flirt with me.
i briefly talked to him online yesterday that is when i told him all this, but for the rest of the week i am not signing on. i don’t want to end things and i miss him already, but i can’t go on like this so i am also going to test him. he is not happy in his marriage and he was about to leave her and then decided the right thing was to work on their marriage even though he’s not in love. so i am going to give him that space and i am hoping that he misses me. if he doesn’t then sadly i guess it is over. i cried all day yesterday, but now i am done crying. i knew what i was getting into when i started this and i have no one to blame but myself! i am going out with someone else tonight and i know that he doesn’t stand a chance right now, but it does feel a little better when there is someone else desiring you.
heart and lips,
i do find myself wondering what they are doing together especially at night. i wonder if they had sex and if they are cuddling and i know they probably are. it upsets me, but it also helps me move on, because i could never be with someone that i know is doing that with someone else!
Mary M…..
I wish you the best. You are doing the right thing. As hard as it is on you, it’s time to move on in your life.
I wish I was as strong as you because I know that I deserve more than what I’m getting from him. He is like a drug, I just can’t get enough.
I am 33 yr old mother of 3. I left my husband about 6 weeks ago. I have been TOW for about 8 months now and his wife found out about us 2 months ago. She has called me several times calling me profane names, telling me she hates no one else but me, while also carrying on at home like she’s lost her mind. Their relationship has been bad for 4 years and she’s always been controlling and demeaning to him. I’ve been very much on the edge of leaving this relationship, but my heart just aches so much with the thought of it. It is a physical paralyzing pain, so I always find myself going back on my ultimatums, or begging him to assure me I’ll be in his life. The time we talk and see each other has dramatically decreased because he wants his home life to settle down before leaving. His wife gets worse and worse, has become physical at times, kicked him out, told her 3 and 4 year old to call their dad a liar or called him an a**hole in front of them. I think I stay because I truly do feel that without this baggage he is my soulmate. We have a connection that is impossible to explain, people that have seen us out have approached us and said that we look like what love should really be. I know that this relationship is not health and its not allowing me to gain my independence and sanity from my failed marriage, but I just can’t walk away because it hurts so bad. Can anyone help me with ideas on how to walk away and stay away? I know I’m better than this, but I can’t seem to stop.
I stumbled across this site after experiencing yet another of his wife’s crazy stories. Apparently she’s receiving anonymous calls about us being together and about why I left my husband, etc. I know its not true but I find myself actually reasoning with him through these things. I have never initiated contact and do not respond to her text messages, phone calls, etc. The few times I have picked up, I’ve never said anything, she usually calls me horrible names then I hang up.
It’s very hard to find anyone that understands what it feels like to be in the middle of this. If I had it to do all over again, of course, I never would. Now that I am I just want to figure a way out and survive while doing it.
Thank you.
noselfrespect,
first of all that name has to go!!! just because you feel in love with a married man doesn’t mean that you don’t respect yourself! i think the best thing to do and the thing that i am doing is to just back off for a little while. let him miss you. he may realize that he needs you in his life and if the only way to have you is to leave her then it will push him out the door. or he may not chase you and you will one day just wake up and realize you have moved on. the one thing that i have realized is if you give in and still see him it gives him no reason to rush out the door. i chose to stop letting mine have his cake and eat it too. if he wants me he can’t have her and if he wants her then i have to move on. you are only 33 i am only 24 there is so much out there why let someone who is already committed to someone else be the center of our world? i am done going to bed alone when i know he’s not. these have been the hardest couple of days, but has been easier then yesterday and i just hope that it just keeps going that way. i just don’t know what i am going to feel on friday when i have to see him!!!
noselfrespect,
first of all that name has to go!!! just because you feel in love with a married man doesn’t mean that you don’t respect yourself! i think the best thing to do and the thing that i am doing is to just back off for a little while. let him miss you. he may realize that he needs you in his life and if the only way to have you is to leave her then it will push him out the door. or he may not chase you and you will one day just wake up and realize you have moved on. the one thing that i have realized is if you give in and still see him it gives him no reason to rush out the door. i chose to stop letting mine have his cake and eat it too. if he wants me he can’t have her and if he wants her then i have to move on. you are only 33 i am only 24 there is so much out there why let someone who is already committed to someone else be the center of our world? i am done going to bed alone when i know he’s not. these have been the hardest couple of days, but today has been easier then yesterday and i just hope that it just keeps going that way. i just don’t know what i am going to feel on friday when i have to see him!!!
i hope that wasn’t harsh i was saying that for me as much as for you and anyone else who is in this hurtful situation! i know i need more!
oh and as for the wife you are doing the right thing in not responding to her. i had to deal with my MM’s wife just this weekend it was a nightmare!
noselfrespect,
As mary m stated, please change that name and let us know your new identity when you do.
Now, I cannot tell you how to stay away. The last time for me was just to make a clean break. He was hurt and confused, but I had to do it. If you need to change your phone number, do so. You should not put your health at risk with constant worrying. The anxiety will have you in the hospital. I think we all have a connection with our MMs. If not, we would be long gone. Yet, the reality is there. They are married. They probably will not leave their wives. If they do, you should be prepared and want everything that comes with that. Others’ perceptions of you will not be nice. I hope there are other things in life that give you fulfillment and purpose–cling to them.
NSF – not gonna type it all cos I agree with the others, give yourself a better name. However you feel right now, you desrve a better one.
What I’m about to say is probably gonna sound harsh, but I always try to be honest.
You say that it’s hard to find anyone that understands the situation you are in the middle of…. Well the first thing you need to do is remove yourself from it.
Take a big step back as Kristi says clean break works the best, you need to finish it and mean it, you say you’ve given ultimatums but given in, you have to stop that, because if you say something and go back on it, he will know that you’ve got no power to control the situation. he isn’t the be all and end all of your life.
So the wife found out, if he is staying at home to help things settle down you have to allow him to do that, the decrease in contact seems to suggest that he is trying to sort out. Not many wives will allow their man to carry on having contact with their mistress. His wife isn’t exactly conducting herself with a great amount of dignity, but that isn’t really your concern. All the things about her character and what she is telling her children to say etc, while deplorable also have nothing to do with you. I don’t have children which I’m glad about.
However difficult it is for you, you now have to concentrate on yourself and your children. Do what it takes to cut the ties, change you numbers if necessary, particularly if the calls from his wife are too frequent or abusive. If what you say is true about him being your soulmate, when things have calmed down he will find his way back to you. Take note of what the others say, usually a married guy won’t leave their homelife. You knew he was married, if he leaves her for you without having the chance to deal with his wife and kids, then be prepared for the title of homewrecker and all the sh*t that will come with it.
Again sorry if this all seems hard, it’s not meant to make you feel bad. Take care, let us know how you get on. We’ll be here. 😉
it has been 3 whole days with barely any contact. i went out with someone else tonight, he was nice and attractive, but not him! this really sucks. what am i supposed to do have a fake relashionship just so i have someone to past the time? i have been strong though. i haven’t even signed online when i know he will be there. i miss him! i just hope he misses me!
Mary M,
He does miss you. Of course he does. You’re doing good. I am proud of you. I wish I was as strong as you.
I am really sad today, maybe because he didn’t call. He might have, I missed a few calls from blocked numbers, so maybe it was him. But we didn’t speak.
I feel like today I am dealing. Does that make sense? It was a rainy dark day & in the pit of my stomach is this overwhelming sadness. I feel like the sadness is anchoring me down, maybe I am going crazy? I think I might be going crazy. I can’t blame him but dammit I do. He triggers all these feelings & I give him too much f*cking power. Maybe it is not him, but me? I mean this all has to do w/ me, not him, right? I am doing this to me, I am a willing participant in all of it. I have created this situation by choosing to allow it.
I hope tomorrow I wake up & feel better about all this. It seems like things are coming to a head. I hate how lonely being involved w/ him is making me feel. I wasn’t lonely before I allowed him back into my life. I was happy. But I was busy, distracted w/ friends, going out, enjoying a social nitelife. Now I am back to the homebody, hermitting, probably waiting. Just stuck. It’s miserable.
I know what needs to be done & I know that these feelings I have are horrible & it makes my situation sound bad. And maybe it is. But I feel like I am falling into an abyss. And becoming disconnected. I feel like I am not in a good place. I hope my words don’t alarm you ladies. I will be fine. In fact I have a meeting w/ a counselor this week. I hope that I can gain some insight into why I do what I do. I am happy in certain areas of my life, work, friends, etc. Just other areas are a mess & I feel like they are pulling me under & I need to get my head straight. Does this make sense?
On a lighter note, I want to read a book that will change my life. Any suggestions? Please, don’t say the Bible! 😉
Hi All.
Mary M., keep up the good work, we know you can do it. Heck, you have made it longer than most of us.
NSF- I agree with the others and won’t type the same things that they already said.
Lips- you may want to consider reading a book called “Care of the Soul” and there’s another one out there called “Soul Mates”.
Another good book is called “A million little pieces” – the book is about a guy named Dave what was an addict and what he went through. In some odd way I related to his power, his strength and how he overcame what he had too.
thanks guys! i will not talk to him until friday i know i can do that, but what will i do then??? i am really worried about that!
lips,
you’ll be ok. go out! i didn’t want to go on that date last night, but i did and i am going out with him again on thursday. it would be easy for me to sit at home and wallow in my sorrows, but F*CK him; he’s not doing that!!!! everytime i want to cry i know he is not so i stop. i know that he goes online everyday at 530 and we usually talk for 2hrs. i even went on under a different name to see if he was there and he was, but F him again i’m not making myself available! i think you should make plans with your friends and go out, even if you have to drag yourself out the door just go! you may surprise yourself and have fun!
read “lucky” by alice sebold. it was about a girl who was raped and her struggle to overcome it. it was very inspirational! another book by the same author is ” the lovely bones” i absolutely loved that book! it was about a young girl who was killed and she actually narrarates the story. it was also inspirational!
and i think that it is great that you are going to see a counselor let us know how it works out!!
I cannot tell all of you how much I appreciate your comments. I apologize for the name I gave myself, that is truly how I feel sometimes. Yesterday, I started looking online for books to help me understand how this “addiction” to another person can happen and how to take the steps to get out of it. If feels like love, in the past I’ve had no doubts that it was, but as I feel myself getting out of control I know that it must not be. I can’t see how love should feel more painful than not.
She continues to tell him she’s getting calls at work about his/my whereabouts and I know that its untrue, but I’m exhausted with her. I refuse to let it get to me anymore. I have never had to defend myself so much. It occurred to me this morning that I think he has a self-esteem issue or some underlying problem with how he sees himself. He justifies her erratic behaviour with saying he’s the one that did it so if she hits me, calls me names, yells at me all day, etc. then I can’t really blame her. He says its over with them but he doesn’t have the money or energy to try to find another place to live. I will not offer up my place.
Please don’t ever feel your advice or comments are harsh. I need to hear these things, I have no one else to talk to and am not hearing them anywhere else. I desperately need to hear it.
Thanks again!
Inspired, thats so much better… 🙂
Don’t ever feel the need to defend yourself, if you know what the wife is saying is false and that the ‘calls’ are obviously nothing to do with you then if thats what you’ve told him then thats good enough. Isn’t there a saying which goes something like….. don’t explain your actions, because your enemies won’t believe you and your friends don’t need it. The calls could just be her way of keeping him in check, if he has self esteem issues, then if he believes she’s getting the calls about what he’s up to, then he’s not gonna mess about. She’s entitled to be angry, but the violence is never acceptable, no matter what he’s done.
Did you find any books that look like they may be helpful?
Well I found some but they were on back order until March. Obviously can’t really wait that long. I’m going to stop in over the weekend and see what I can find. I love the saying, I’m going to save it and read it every day! Thank you!
Hey inspired!
Look in the mirror and give yourself a hug!
i haven’t heard from him at all! i have been strong and haven’t signed online either, but i really miss him! so many times during the day i think of something that i want to tell him, but i can’t. part of me is so excited to see him tomorrow that all i can do is wait, but the other part is so pissed off at him for making me feel this way that it makes me not want to see him at all! i don’t know which part will take over when i finally lay my eyes on him. i wonder how he has felt all week.
mary m,
Stay strong tomorrow. Will you be working together?
i won’t know if we are at the same bar until i get there, but i kinda doubt it. lately my manager who has always hated me has become best buds with his wife so if she knows anything then him and i will never be together again! i guess that is a good thing, but of course there is no one else that i would rather work with.
what is going on in everyone else’s lives? everyone has been so quiet the last couple days!
Hi mary m,
I am good. I am trying to break away from my MM.
The guilt is setting in. There are no horror stories about his wife, she is not a monster, a b*tch, or a maniac–I have no reason to be the main participant in this deception. I like that I am in control of the situation. I can choose the role I want to play, be it the lover/friend/confidant. For some reason, that appeals to me. Why would I want so much control over a married man? Who knows? I think he married for comfort and familiarity and is playing the “what if” game. He has to live with his decision. Being with me will not change his situation and he cannot successfully live two lives. I can live without him and because of that, what we have is not strong enough for him to lose his family. I will always be his friend, Always. I do not think, however, that his marriage can survive if we are found out–and I don’t want to take him in if it doesn’t.
kristi,
do you ever want a normal relationship? if you don’t think that he will ever leave and you don’t even want him to, then why stay in this situation? i do want someone who is only mine that is why i am getiing out. deep down i want him to leave her, but if he doesn’t then i know i will find someone else.
Hi Mary M,
I’m good, thanks for asking. A lot of what Kristi said applies to my situation too, My guys wife is a perfectly nice person too. I have a lot of say/control with my guy. I like my situation, it works well for me, I can’t see it ending unless we are caught, as things stand he won’t leave his wife for me, so we just enjoy what we have, be it sex or just time to sit, have a coffee and a talk, I could deal with it ending, I think the main thing that would upset me is losing his friendship, we were really good friends before anything else, so that would hurt. Not sure what would happen if his wife found out, in as much as if they’d get through it(I know he would stay and try), but if not I would want him to be with me.
mary m,
I have a dysfunctional relationship with my son’s father. It was “normal” until about 6 months ago when I decided I was fed up with him. He is trying to do better and is learning what it means to be a real mate and father. Until he can do that to my satisfaction, I will not marry him.
I do not want my MM to be my husband. We are not meant to be together forever in that way. We are great friends with benefits which should have ended when he got married. He does more for me than he should and has always been there for me. We have a great affection for one another.
I love that I have found this site. Two months ago I started a very passionate affair with my very married, father of 3, boss, 17 years my senior. My fiance found out first and left me, and his wife found out merely days later.
After to and froing he has chosen to saty with his wife… what a surprise… and using the age old excuse because of the children…
I am absolutely heartbroken….
To make matters worse we share an office and have to work extremely closely together on certain projects… and I have fallen completely in love with this man.
I am now faced with having to leave the only thing in my life that is good…. my job… because I am not sure I can handle being so close to him on an ongoing basis.
When we started this I knew the score.. and I knew the rules…. and yet I did the most stupid thing ever and fell in love with him.
Thank you for making me realise that I am not the only one out here feeling like my entire life is falling down around them…
Hi MMimB
Yes it is crap when you fall in love with them, but as you say no great surprise he chose to stay with his family. I think when many people cheat they all realise that they are cheating on their partner, but I don’t think they always understand that they are cheating on their kids too. More often than not the guys will stay with the family, I know my guy would do the same, and his two girls are grown up and have their own lives, he would never want them to feel disappointed in them. As far as your job goes, rather than leaving could you not maybe have some time off to get some perspective on things and hopefully go back with a different spin on things, or maybe move to a different dept. Not to sound patronising but I suppose thats the problem with workplace affairs, you gamble so much more of your life than just maybe a relationship. What is your MM’s view of it all, is it over for him, or is he still giving you signals??? If it’s over then make sure the relationship is dead, if it gets left in a state of limbo, then you don’t stand a chance of moving on.
Take care and let us know how you’re doing… 🙂
mm,
our situations are the same! my MM works with me, she knows, and he is staying with her, but he wants both. i always knew the rules too. did you think it was just going to be fun, but that you wouldn’t get attached? r u still hooking up with him? maybe getting a new job is the right answer. i have thought that a lot of times, but can’t bring myself to leave yet.
we were at different bars last night. i didn’t
flirt with him at all i just treated him like i would anyone. at the end of the night we usually hang out at his bar, but instead i went to another one. he came over to talk to me so we talked like friends for a while, but then i got drunk! why did i do that??? we ended up making out. he said that he missed me all week and that he wanted to call me, but he couldn’t. he had to leave last night, because she was waiting for him. she was at his bar all night. i didn’t want him to go, but he did. i am so mad at myself for letting my feelings get so involved in this! he said he would hang out tonight and i want to so much, but every time i do i fall harder for him and feel worse about myself! i have never been this way about anyone. i have always been strong and i’m not one to openly show my feelings, but there is something about him. i try to end it. i date other people and i know he is all wrong for me. why can’t i let him go??
Mary M
Whatever your feelings don’t let him use you once or twice a week like this, but nothing for the rest of it…….So unfair on you and will keep putting you in this place.
Good Luck….
Thank you for the great advice. Its all so fresh and hard at the moment. However I do know that I am going to be ok!
I have applied for some other jobs… but I love my job with a passion and the thought of leaving makes me sick. Funnily enough, I dont want to be near him, but I cant stand being apart from him.
We are on different shifts for the next month so maybe that will make things easier.
A joint project we have been working on culminates into a week long festival in a few months and I dont want to think all my hard work was a waste if I leave before then.
I am thinking of using until then as my timeline… Hang in there until then and then make the final decision.
I suppose I am still holding out on the hope that things might change…. but deep down I know they aren’t going to.
It’s all so crazy…. when did I become the girl who was stupid enough to think he would leave his wife and we would live happily ever after…..
I have taken some time off….and haven’t heard from him for 3 days…. He’s at home.. its family time.. which means I cant contact him… I am sure you all know how frustrating that is…
I will let you all know how I get on when I go back..
Thanks again!!!
mm,
i went through this just last week and he did the exact same thing (if you scroll up you will see me asking myself the exact same questions). i didn’t hear from him for four days and it was horrible, and when i saw him last night my heart dropped. mine doesn’t have kids though and i know that any day she is going to get pregnant and then it will be over for real. i do still have that hope that he will leave her. at first he said he was going to and i believed him it actually kinda freaked me out, but now he has changed his mind and i am so sad. how long have you been with him? how did she find out? does she know it is you?
i have to see him in an hour. i know i shouldn’t hook up with him tonight, but i really want to. maybe just one last time??
Good luck Mary M
Mary M,
She found out through a text message that didnt send properly and stayed on his phone. My fiance read my emails… which I was too selfish to delete because I liked reading them over and over again. We have been flirting for almost a year, and started our affair in November.. Our partners found out in December and we have played off on and on sonce then. Today is day 5 with no contact. He also has taken some time off… so I know he is at home with her and the kids. I like to think that he is missing me… but I know that he probably isnt giving me a second thought.
Opposite shifts for a whole month…. it makes me sick to the stomach when I walk into our shared office and he isnt there. Not sure how I am going to cope for a month. Perhaps it will make me stronger and make me realise I dont need him… I certainly deserve better than a part time lover!
How did it go meeting him the other night (Its crazy but I am actually jealous that you got to see yours)
I have been reading all your comments and its amazing how similar all of our stories are…
I often wonder if my guy thinks about me when he’s at home, you just never know do you? I’m sure he’s think about you MM. I know what you mean about keeping stuff, but it’s just too dangerous. I’m not with anyone, but i keep nothing on my phone as me and my guy have mutual friends. i think the time apart will help, and if it doesn’t you.ve always got your fall back plan of moving jobs
Thank you for this website. I was about to step into being the OW, thought my situation so unique! But reading all of your personal stories made me realise how naive I was being, and how little I knew of the pitfalls and pain ahead of me.
I’d like to recommend that all the hurt OW look into EFT seriously as a aid to help them walk away. Gary Craig’s site has alot of free stuff on it, including how to learn the technique. Look at it seriously, it helped me tremendously.
http://www.emofree.com/
This article should inspire as well –
http://www.emofree.com/Articles2/heartbreak-broken-romance.htm?WT.mc_id=N_Feb02_Feature4
Hey Ladies, Hope everyone is well. I feel like I am getting sick but I had a busy weekend which was nice.
I went out last nite w/ some coworkers & got a little out of hand. I called him in the morning as I was driving to pick up my son, just to chat & casually mentioned my evening. Said I drank too much & forgot the end of the nite & hoped my friends weren’t mad at me. Totally casual in the conversation.
Now, let me preface by saying, he hates when I drink & am stupid. I tend to get stupid when I drink w/ HIM & we have had bad times becuz of it. It’s like I get really emotional & hysterical w/ him becuz all my repressed feelings come out. It put a strain on our past relationship & it’s always his thing he uses against me.
I had occasion to black out & make an ass of myself & it’s something I am working on. I know it’s a problem. I went out w/ coworkers & had to call them both in the AM to do damage control. They were NOT upset w/ me. Only said I was loud & ridiculous.
Back to the conversation w/ HIM. I told him about the nite & he turns it against me. He says- that’s what I get, I’ll never learn, I am too old to be acting that way- the whole vicious lecture but out of nowhere. Then tells me to “Call the guys I was w/ last nite”- WTF??? It was all from left field. I didn’t understand why. He knows how to push my buttons & tell me things that hurt me, about my drinking or my weight. He does it on purpose. To hurt me. He knows what areas I have issues w/ within myself.
So he’s being vicious & I’m blindsided & telling him- I don’t understand why your mad, I didn’t call you, I wasn’t doing anything, I wasn’t w/ any guys besides you were at home w/ your GIRLFRIEND!!!- And he says- “Yeah, that’s living a NORMAL life!!!” So, I told him to live his normal life & leave me alone. (And, how is it “normal” if you are CHEATING!!!)
He called me again when I got home to fight some more- why??? And said that my drinking is “THE REASON WHY THE SITUATION IS THE WAY IT IS.” –what???
He brings out this crazy side of me, this insecure side, can get inside me like no other man can. I told him, “What do you want from me? I don’t understand why you’re mad, I didn’t do anything to you, I didn’t call you last nite, I wasn’t w/ anyone & so what if I was. I am young, I am 27, I am SINGLE. I don’t have a live in BOYFRIEND & so what if I go out & enjoy myself a little too much, I am responsible, I work my ass off & deserve a nite to myself, even if I am ridiculous” I also said “I don’t know what you want from me, I’m not perfect, I don’t pretend to be but I am fucked up & really sad in my life right now & at the end of the day I am alone, so does it make him feel better about himself & his life to be mean to me??”
I mean I was sobbing & he’s telling me that he’s calling to say GOODBYE but he needs to be able to “forgive me”!!! I DID NOTHING!!! Then he tells me I am hungover & I need to go back to sleep & I said he’s the one who called me back to yell at me some more. But he kept yelling & hanging up on me & me on him because I was crying too much I couldn’t talk.
He is TOXIC. I can’t sugarcoat anything about him. He is mean & cruel to me. And he is CRAZY. I mean, typing this out is making me read between the lines but really, in this situation, you don’t have to. He was just plain mean. He was hurtful. He was projecting his MISERABLE, BULLSHIT life onto me. This isn’t about me, it’s about him. He’s the one who is STUCK & UNHAPPY. He is so envious of my life. He was doing the same things when he was my age. I can walk away from him at any time, but he is stuck. He has made his bed & now he is forced to lie in it. (I told him that as well)
He is ALWAYS trying to tell me what I should fix about me or the way I live my life to make myself into what he thinks will be a better person. He says that I do things on purpose to “push him away”- I think I might. But I am pissed that he thinks I should change things about ME. So what? I’m fat. So what? My house gets messy. So what? I have a hard time managing money. So what? I drink too much sometimes. So what? I hold my friends in high regard. SO WHAT??? I am the same person, fat or skinny, w/ a messy or clean house, w/ money in my pocket or w/o a single cent to my name. I AM STILL THE SAME PERSON!!!
I dunno, I am emotionally drained from this “fight” or “breakup”. Like I have been SO hurt that I don’t want to talk to him anymore. This was a unprovoked personal attack. He was trying to make me feel like there is something wrong w/ me. Does he try to hurt me so he can see if I care? Is he taking out his issues w/ himself, unhappiness @ home, issues in his life out on me? Becuz I think he is jealous of my freedom & of my life. I really think he hates me. Hates me as much as he loves me. As dysfucntional as it sounds. Or maybe I just think that becuz that is how I feel.
I am done. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I think he even did it on purpose. What ever the reason, why analyze it? He hurt me. Made me feel like shit. Broke me down. And had the nerve to tell me. “I do it to myself”. Maybe he’s right. But I can’t do it anymore. I know I am a mess & this is all fucked up, cruel & abusive. I can’t be a willing participant in it.
I feel so numb to it all. It’s like he’s done that change thing where he is Dr. Jekyl. It’s pointless. I am young & I still have the chance to be happy. And I can’t say the same for him.
Lips,
Don’t change yourself, he’s just being a sad little man who is playing mind games with you. Show him the door for good, and get on with your life. Drink or not, no one deserves to be treated in this way.
lips,
get out!!! this is in no way healthy and you are never happy! every time you post something it is you being sad and frustrated and you are only 27 its time to move on!!! even if he broke up with his girlfriend i don’t think he would be good for you.
mm,
does she know it is you? i would be very upset if we didn’t work together anymore, but maybe it is a good thing. it will give you both time to reevaluate your relationship and it will give him time to miss you. maybe you should try to go out with someone else. thats what i keep doing and although all i do is compare them to him it does help to have some other admirers.
saturday night we hung out after work. i was drunk and really chatty. i was telling him how i hate that he is married and that i like him so much and i am sick of hiding from everyone. he said that he knows that and he doesn’t want to hide either. in fact he doesn’t hide at all. he even admitted it to people we work with. i was so mad that he did that. he made me look so stupid, not only for the fact that i am sleeping with a married man and everyone knows his wife, but also i have been denying it for months and then he just turns around and says that its all true! why would he do that? i don’t understand him!!! he said that he doesn’t want to hide and lie anymore, but what other choice do we have? HE IS MARRIED!!! i don’t know what he is thinking sometimes.
anyway back to saturday we ended up making out and right in the middle of it she started calling. he didn’t pick it up, but she wouldn’t stop. she called over and over for 15 minutes. finally i told him just to leave. he said that he was sorry and that he didn’t want to, but that we probably can’t hang out as late as we used to because she is always up waiting for him now. he wants to come over tomorrow after work i said maybe, but i know i will let him! when does this end?? sometimes i just want him to get caught again so that maybe she would throw him out. i put a little extra perfume on the other night so that maybe she would smell it, am i crazy??
Mary M,
I don’t think you’re crazy, but this is a no win situation. Of course his wife isn’t going to let him hang out with you, it’s not like she is going to give permission for him to mess about. He has to make a decision- his wife or you. He cannot possibly hope to maintain this scenario.
You say he’s not hiding from people at work, but what is he telling them, that you slept together or are sleeping together. if it’s the former then he’s trying to persuade people that it’s over. It was unfair of him to not discuss what people were going to be told if anything(other people are so nosy), as you say it doesn’t put you in the best light. By now you’ve probably been branded a liar etc etc
For what it’s worth, I don’t think he’s gonna leave, but hey what do I know, my ex husband left me for another woman so it does happen…..but while he has you hooked and you’re prepared to hide because he is married then the situation won’t change, he has no reason to does he??
Now his wife knows, it’s effectively over, she won’t let him disappear/hang out for hours without checking up on him, thats only natural. He’s being very unfair to both of you, he can’t possibly concentrate on making his marrriage work with you in the picture, and when you start thinking about ways for him to get caught out then thats a bad sign. Give him the ultimatum her or you, and make him make the decision.
Hi Ladies,
Lips: this guy does not sound very nice. But I understand how easy it is to be blind to faults when we love someone.
MaryM: He is going to have to make the decision… things cant be how they were because she’s not dumb! My MM’s wife takes his phone when he gets home, and calls to find out what time he left work. We will never be able to spend anything other than lunch times together if things do continue.
Voice: I am sure they do think about us… surely they cant switch off 100% completely???
I got to speak to mine last night: albeit about work, but there was also some light conversation… It was so nice to hear from him.
I have a date tomorrow though! Of course like Mary M I will spend the whole time comparing… but it may keep my mind off it a bit> who knows?
I just wish I could wake up and everything be ok. Whether I wake up and we are together or I wake up and I have no feelings whatsoever for him. I hate this in between stuck in limbo phase……
So lovely to have you guys to talk to though!!!
MM,
I don’t think they can switch off either, I must admit though, I don’t like to ask about things like that in case I don’t like the answer. It also helps me remember my place in all this…. 🙂
LLM,
I struggle with alot of the feelings that you have and that is how I came up with the idea that I have an addiction to him, that it might not be love but an addiction just like a drug, etc. I know I can’t stop my relationship cold turkey with him because I know I’ll fail miserably getting over him. Since I found this website and have been able to read other people’s stories and know I’m not the only one out there feeling this way, I’ve felt so much better. I’ve been slowly pulling away and opening myself up for other, more available, options. Even if it means being alone and being okay with it.
I have found that by pulling away he’s more apt to call me and ask me what I’m doing or send me text messages saying he loves me. I still feel good when he does that, but, at least right now, I feel better knowing I’m not as dependant to get through my day by talking or communicating with him somehow.
It’s so hard and its amazing what our ego’s will allow us to do when we’re hurt, but hang in there. You will see the light!
🙂
i am not ready to give him an ultimatum, because we are not at that stage. we are not in love with each other which is why i should really just break free now, but i like him so much that i don’t want to. i have so much fun when i am around him and the sex is amazing so i am not ready to give him up. i know that it is the wrong choice. i am playing with fire, because any day i am going to find myself in love with him.
lips,
you are right when you say that it is not a good sign that i want him to get caught again. i know that is crazy, but i guess i just want him to be single. i am trying to be more like you and kristi and accept my place, because i am not ready to give him up yet. i do think that he may end up leaving her, but i am not waiting around for that.
he should have talked to me before admitting it at work, but he said he is tired of lying. he didn’t say it was over he said that what we do is no ones business, but not to judge me for any of it. he is the one that is married and i was only lying to protect him. i heard that from a third party so i know that it is true. he always tries to make me look like the innoccent one even with his own wife.
Hey Mary M,
As far as work goes, people will always believe what they want anyway. so let them get on with it. Do what you feel is right for you, even if it is playing with fire. You can only accept your place, if it’s right for you, and right now it isn’t. As you say you can only give an ultimatum when you are ready to stick to it otherwise there’s no point. To be honest if the wife is checking up on him and thinking he’s still carrying on then she may be the one to call time on the marriage if there is no trust there.
Good luck, cos as you say you will more than likely find yourself in love with him, then it’s a lot tougher.
We’ll all still be here for you….. 😉
he got caught again! we went out tonight when she was supposed to be at class and she came home early and called him. he didn’t answer it and a couple minutes later he wrote her a text saying that he was out walking the dog. she knew he was lying because she was there with the dog and his truck wasn’t there. she knew he was with me, because it has only been 3 weeks since she caught us the first time. when she asked him he admitted it. i asked him why he didn’t just try to cover it up and he said that he doesn’t like lying. i know i said i wanted him to get caught again and i did, but i am going crazy right now because i don’t know what is going on. i don’t understand him or what he wants. after she found out he knew that he was in trouble, but he wasn’t upset. he admitted not being upset, he did go home though. he didn’t run out the door, he finished his beer and gave me a long kiss goodbye first. i am so confused now!!! i can’t wait until tomorrow to find out what happened. do you think it is over? i know it is wrong, but i really hope so! it is crazy that we got caught again in such a short amount of time. i kmow that some of you have been having affairs for 10 years and i can’t even make it 3months?
Mary M,
A few things…… It’s not at all crazy that you both got caught again…Is your guy that complacent to think that after gettting caught only 3 weeks ago, he thought his wife wouldn’t have tried to catch him out again, he must of known she’d be watching him. If he was going to try and make a go of his marriage then you two should of killed things at least for a bit. Seems mad to me that he just carried on regardless after getting caught the first time. The other thing is this. He isn’t trying to cover anything up, is he trying to push her that far that she kicks him out, so that he doesn’t have to make the break. Pretty cowardly if thats his game. I still say he has to make the decision whether you are prepared to give him the ultimatum or not. I think his wife may doing that if you don’t. In answer to your last question, and I’m only guessing here so correct me if i’m wrong but your guy seems to lack any caution as regards to your affair. My guy has never acted the way yours does, he has always let me know where I stand, and we discuss and carefully arrange whats going to happen. Maybe thats why mine has continued for as long as it has.
Keep us posted
Take Care.
Crazy question….Do you ladies ever think it is only a matter of time before you are hauled into court for divorce proceedings–how humiliating and embarrassing that would be!
Mary M,
I’ve been reading your posts and I’m in the same boat.
We got caught about 2 and a half months ago and he confessed because he says she already knew there was no point in trying to cover it.
She recently hired a PI and now I’m more confused than ever…He says we should lay low until he can get out of this mess he’s created and that he want to be with me as soon as this marriage is over.
I don’t understand what she’s looking for, she already knows all about me. What more could she want?
I don’t want to loose him but I don’t know if I can put up with all of this for much longer.
I too don’t understand how some of you on here have been at this for years…I wasn’t able to make it through 2 months before she found out.
Any comments or advise would be greatly appreciated…I can’t tell my friends or family about this mess.
Thank God for this site, just reading it makes me feel a little better.
Thanks for listening!
Kristi,
I hope I never get named in a divorce settlement, but I can’t see me giving up my guy unless we get caught, so it could happen.
Princess Lost,
I personally believe that a lot to do with how well an affair succeeds is largely due to attitude. I am a mistress pure and simple, not a girlfriend to my guy. I love him but he’s not mine, he never was. I look at it this way. It is only a matter of time before my situation ends. When the wife finds out then that will be it, When they do they then watch their husbands like hawks. A married man can’t keep both situations going. To be honest if he keeps giving excuses as why he can’t leave then I doubt he will, unless the wife kicks him out. Move on it’s done
Voice of Reason,
Thanks for the advice…I know you’re right!
It’s just so hard to let go when you had such high hopes.
I know it is, and again I suppose thats my point. My guy has never promised me anything. I think I’d be devastated if he promised me the world then took it away. but he has always said he would never leave his family. I’ve always known that so never expected anything other than what we have. I don’t know, maybe not everyone is cut out to be ‘the other woman’. Sometimes I think I think what I say on here sounds pretty cold and detached, but I really do think it works.
Let it go for 2007..
By T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied t o anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got
to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.
You’ve got to know when it’s dead.
You’ve got to know when it’s ove r. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to……
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ……
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth…..
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you .
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge……
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction……
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents
LET IT GO!!!
If you! u have a bad attitude…….
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better……
LET IT GO!!!
If you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him……..
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship…….
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help themselves……
LET IT GO!!!
If you’re feeling depressed and stressed ……….
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying “take your hands off of it,” then you need to……
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then .
LET IT GO!!!
“The Battle is the Lord’s!”
words for yall,
Thank you for the post. Please know that this situation is difficult for us all. We know what we are doing. We do not go around laughing, joking, and bragging about being with married men. There is a price to pay for what we are doing. We all know this. I have LET MY MM GO on three separate occasions. Each time, he comes back to me. I am wrong for the reciprocation.
Words for yall,
Not wishing to sound rude here but…….Thank you for god’s opinion, but what about your own????…. did you find this page because you have your own story to tell or do you need any advice.
If so please share…. most of us are here because a lot of the time we are unable to discuss our situations with family or friends. As Kristi put it we’re not proud or boastful of what we do, but for what we do, there is a price.
Voice,
I say that because I know my MM’s wife. If she found out, she would be pissed and would let everyone know that she caught us. She would make him pay big time and dragging his mistress into court as proof is just up her alley. Now, she is a decent person, but a scorned woman can act ugly and she would have every right. He seems to care less and less about being caught–I just hope he doesn’t use me as an “out”.
I know mine too, and believe that she is also very capable of doing what you’ve just described, as you say a woman scorned. I hope I never find myself in the divorce court, fortunately for me I guess, is my guy has no intention of being caught, he’s very cautious when it comes to us meeting up. he tries to cover all the bases as it were, he stands to lose everything if we are found out. So in that respect I don’t think he’d use me as a get out. Would freak I think if he turned up on the doorstep with his bags!!!!!!
i may end up in divorce court sooner than i thought. he ended it with her thursday night. she packed all her stuff and moved out yesterday. it is really over! he didn’t leave her for me, but i am sure i helped him out the door. he said that he has never been happy and he couldn’t live that way anymore. this is a hard time for him though and i dont know how to act or what to say. i requested last night off for a party so i haven’t seen him yet.
he is torn up about it though. she took the dog and he is freaking about that. he said when he walked in the apartment last night and all the pictures were down and all her stuff was gone his eyes welled up for the first time. he doesn’t regret it though and he is not even calling this a trial or anything he wants a divorce. he said she is crushed. i just looked at her mysace and all the pics of him are gone and her status says single.
since everyone at work knows about us now, i am afraid of what they are going to say about me. he said that he was going to explain to everyone why they broke up because he doesn’t want anyone to think anything bad about me, but how can we have a normal relationship now? and the worst part is that people know and like her. my manager definitely likes her more than she likes me.
i am going to try not to focus on all the bad things though. i am so happy that he is the one that ended it so i don’t have to wonder if he would rather be with her. also i get to go home with him tonight after work. i am so excited for that!!! i actually get to sleep over and wake up next to him! this is so crazy i still dont think it sunk in yet!
Mary M,
Just give him a bit of time and space to get used to it all. As I said before, people will think/say what they like anyway. They will see your role in the situation whether he explains whats gone on or not. Also as you are now going home with him and staying, and dating like a couple, then people at work who like her probably aren’t going to be queuing up to shake your hand. But if you can take the heat then I hope you get what you want.
Good Luck
The other thing is can you honestly say that he didn’t leave her for you when you are going home with him tonight. I think he did.
But as I said, best of luck to you. I really hope it works out for you.
Wow mary m! This all transpired so quickly. I hope that you are ready for it. Not to be crude, put please use protection until you are sure this is what you want. Not trying to play mother hen, but a baby is a huge responsibility.
Enjoy your time with him 🙂
voice,
people at work will be nice to me, but i am sure they will have something to say about the situation. also we are not a couple now. we are going to see where things go, but we are taking it really slow. he didn’t leave her for me. he may have left NOW because of me, but he wasn’t happy before me.
kristi,
this did go quickly but they say that if a married man plans on leaving he does in the first 6months if not then he will probably never leave. don’t worry i am not trying to have a baby at all. i am in school and i am going down the shore for the summer. i am staying over tonight, but not every night. i like him so much but he has a lot of things to deal with and i want him to do that. it is nice and exciting that he is single now.
I really hope people are good to you at work as really it’s none of their business. It’s good that you’re gonna take it slow, I suppose I’m just saying please be cautious, I just wonder if it may be difficult to deal with both letting him deal with the things he needs to whilst seeing what you can make out of a relationship with him. Also does it not bother you that his wife moved out yesterday and you are staying already? I’m not trying to sound nasty, just wondered cos I’m not sure I could do it.
Take Care…. 🙂
i don’t even know who i am anymore. i like him so much and love every minute we spend together, but i am so ahamed of all of it. i had no regard for this other person and now she is crushed.
voice,
to answer your question it did bother me last night. so much that she was the only thing that i could think about. i couldn’t relax even though i was with him. we just sat on the couch and talked for hours about her and us and what everyone thinks of me. he said who cares but it hurts.
last night she came into the bar. he didn’t see her but i did. she came with one of the other bartenders girlfriends, who used to be my friend, but last night didn’t even say hello to me. she told everyone what happened so not only does eveeryone know, but they know it from her which puts me in the worst light possible. i do have a couple friends still which is why i know what everyone is saying, but maybe it would have been better if i didn’t. everyone feels sorry for her and they should, but they also feel a little sorry for him. “the poor guy got rushed into marraige. he wasn’t ready and he’s too young.” everyone just shakes their head at me. no one has gotten so involved that they lecture but i feel the stares. why am i the only asshole it this?
i did sleep over even though it was against my better judgement (not that i have been listening to that at all lately). i thought maybe she would show up but he assured me that she wouldn’t. she sent him a text saying “i’m coming for the rest of my stuff tomorrow. make sure she is gone!” he wrote back “what time” then she knew for sure that i was there. she showed up around 8am(i think) and broke the bedroom door but somehow i guess since we were drinking and didnt go to bed til 7 we didn’t wake up. then he went to the bathroom and i guess she was in the other room. i was sound asleep and i guess her staring woke me up but i opened my eyes and she was standing over me. then she just starting punching me. i blocked her punches but didn’t swing back. how could i? then he came in and pulled her out of the room. she starting yelling at him “but this has nothing to do with her right!?!” she said to me that i had a lot of balls going there and she was right i did. what was i thinking?
after she left i started crying and he was apologizing for getting me into this, but i did it to myself. i don’t want or expect sympathy. i know i dont deserve it. i was raised in a nice catholic family and my parents have been married for 40years. i wasn’t raised like this.
i was going to leave right after that happened but he didn’t want me to and i was afraid she would be waiting for me so i stayed and eventually fell back to sleep. when i woke up and saw him next to me it was like none of it mattered. please don’t judge me. you are the only ones i have, but continue telling me th truth cause i know i need to hear it.
thanks!
Mary M,
Wow what a time you’ve had. As you’ve asked for honesty. I’ll give you my take on it all, as I’ve said before I’ve been the wife and am now the other woman so maybe that gives me a bit of an insight. I’m gonne say how I think things are perceived and with that please bear in mind I’m only going on what you’ve wrote so sorry if I presume anything wrong, but also please know I’m not judging you, and I’ll apologise in advance if I seem out of order.
You are asking why you are seen as the asshole in this. I think the basic answer to this is, regardless of his unhappiness beforehand, you have trashed a marriage and she is the injured party, and yes I know it takes two, but when my husband got caught out, most of my venom was directed at her, because at the time I thought things were great in my marriage. Obviously they weren’t or he wouldn’t have gone elsewhere, but trust me I just didn’t see it at the time. Your man’s wife has gone from thinking all is rosy, trying for a kid etc to being without a husband and a home. Pretty bitter pill to swallow don’t you think???
Can’t begin to say how ill thought it was to stay there so soon after, it’s the main reason why I asked if it bothered you. With the network of friends you guys all have, it’s seems plain that she would of found out. I don’t think there is any justification in her phsyically attacking you, but she must have been so enraged to find you there so soon, to be brutally honest the first thing that entered my head when i read you were staying was ‘did you guys even wait for the sheets to get cold?’
Also from her quote of “but this has nothing to do with her right!?!†seems pretty reasonable to presume thats he’s given her the it’s not you it’s me speel, and maybe tried to do the decent thing and keep you out of it, which whilst admirable that he’s defending you is complete bullsh*t when he’s got you staying there.
As I said to you before if you think you can front it out, then go for it. I just think that you are probably in for more of the same as things are so incredibly raw. I also think think it’s unfair of your guy to just wipe it away by saying ‘who cares’. It’s easy to say that when you’re not the one getting the filthy looks. Maybe he should have a bit more regard for your feelings.
Take care
Oh wow Mary M.!!! So much going on for you lately! Oh sweetheart, there is NO judgement here. Please remember that.
I can’t believe that she moved out & then came over to beat you up. WTF? Wow, you know, at this point, follow your heart & do what you feel is right. And experience it & enjoy the moments you can.
I dunno what to say to my fellow lovelies on this board other than I have had a crazy day of ridiculousness. Ummm… I FINALLY put a name AND and a FACE to his girlfriend.
I know after all the hurtful words he spoke to me last week, I haven’t really talked to him. He still calls me ALL the time. And I did give in & let him come see me Sat, in the morning AND he spent the nite which he never does.
Well since I am crazy, I looked in his wallet when he was in the shower & found her name & then when he left I found her Myspace. Oh, myspace is the devil. Mary M., I know you are w/ me on this.
To be honest, I expected more from him. I expected her to be something extraordinary. But she’s not. In fact, I would say she was a downgrade. She is not attractive. She is ugly. I know it’s not about how they look but how they make you feel… but she is SO not cute. And her page is all about them & their lovey relationship.
Okay, I understand people have different relationships w/ different people, but he is not a lovey guy. In the SIX years I have known him, he has never been. Not lovey, not affectionate, not a romantic guy, very tough, hard exterior. Umm…why does her page say & I quote, misspelling & all “I HAVE A LOVING & CARING BOYFRIEND WHO I AM WITH ALL THE TIME & CAN’T GET ENOFE OF HIM”—– WTF??? She can’t spell? Is she dillusional or am I? Wow, I know, I am bitter, but I have been w/ him for months now & now this person is REAL to me & it’s hard to digest. Maybe I am sick becuz in my head she is not real. And for her to be real is a bitter pill to swallow. It puts it more in perspective.
At 1st I was feeling good, confident, like, I am so beautiful & better looking & older & have more history w/ him & he is the LOVE of MY life & I am too good for HIM & I am lucky that I am not stuck in the deceit, he is not cheating on ME. But now, I am feeling dirty, sad, overwhelmed. I mean I just had sex w/ him & now I am reading her myspace page & ALL my friends are & seeing their pictures together that they he doesn’t want to be in.
Let me preface w/ some history. Please don’t judge. When we met, I was thinner, curvy, size 14. Now I am a 20. 6 years, 6 sizes. 😉 And he gives me shit for it. And he has ALWAYS wanted me to get back to that size 14. That size is not me, before I had my son I was a 10. I would like to be a 10 again. But anyways, w/ my life & issues I have padded myself w/ weight to hide myself & I don’t feel like myself anymore. So, he has been wanting me to lose weight for years and I am not even trying. It’s a way to push him away, to not deal, It’s whatever & so much more. Well, I am pretty. Not to be vain or concieted, I know I am fat right now but, I have a very pretty face, I always have. And I know it, I just forget that sometimes.
Well, girlfriend, ummm… was Fatter than I am not when they started dating & not cute at all & per her myspace page, she has lost 70lbs in 6mos. I am sure by his manipulation. I am sure he told her to lose the weight & he’d marry her. Same bullshit lines. So she is thinner than me, and is more attractive than she was but I don’t understand why he would have started out w/ her when she was so ugly & 1st. I hope I don’t sound like a horrible person. It’s just, did he find a fat girl who he thought had potential to be a pretty skinny girl? Is he molding fat girls into skinny girls of his making? That is what it seems like to me. And here she is, losing weight, thinking he’s hers & he’s been sleeping w/ me (a fat girl) for months. And he’s cheating on her, not me. And I could walk away any day.
Remember how he told me all that stuff about loving me, always loving me, waiting for him, etc. all that bullshit that somehow worked? Well, I think it was a strategic move by him. Tell me what he needed to get back in my head cuz I wasn’t letting him back in. I knew about his girlfriend & I wasn’t having it. So, he started telling me all these things to get back in AND it worked.
And he has a not cute girlfriend who wears a ring on her left finger. What do you think that means. Well he called me a bunch today, but I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. I don’t know when I’m going to. Eventually I will. But in this whole role of the OTHER WOMAN (in spanish it is called “SANCHA”) my place is muddled. And unfair, considering there was a time when I wasn’t Sancha. He told me today I was the best Sancha. WTF? No, I’m not, I am crazy. I am frickin’ psychotic.
I dunno, my head hurts. I have gone over this story maybe 15x, no joke, forwarding her page, getting validation from friends. I hope I didn’t come across as a vain stupid woman.
It’s just, I know him, I thought I did. And this girl, is a curve ball. And I am trying to make sense of it. But at least I know now. And knowledge is power. Just not sure what I am going to do w/ all this knowledge. Nothing too crazy. I am not contacting her or telling him I know about the page… I am still figuring out my next move. In the meantime, I am avoiding.
Thanx for letting me vent.
Lips,
Again as said with Mary M, no judgement, I just speak as I find basically, and i try to be honest.
I guess this is a classic case of be careful what you wish for. You went through his wallet, and found something out. that is really going to eat at you. Going through someone’s personal stuff is never a good idea. With regards to her myspace, what were you expecting to see written on there. ‘My boyfriend is a sh*t and is having an affair with someone better looking than me’. Not very likely to happen is it 🙂 All she is doing is writing down the relaionship as she sees it.
Why are you slagging the girlfriend off so much anyway?, (take a look at rule 8 at the top of this page)what has she done to you? You are reading as a very bitter person, with the way you talk about her, maybe thats just cos it’s on here.
Lastly though, It seems pretty obvious that this is a very destructive relationship. When you start saying things like ‘I am still figuring out my next move'(this isn’t a game) then you need to get away from the whole thing.
Take care.
Wow! And I thought my situation was complicated!
I’m so sorry WE are all dealing with this sh!t!
I know I’ve put myself in this situation and have no one to blame but myself for allowing it but it’s not easy to deal with anyway.
I wish everyone sharing their stories the best of luck and remember that we are all in similar boats so there is NO room for judgment – definitely not from me!
Well, I don’t know if this is it BUT…
I called it off Thursday of last week after I found out about the PI. I don’t want to be hauled into divorce court! Although I might anyway. I haven’t seen him since Wednesday and I had a pretty good weekend considering. 😉 I do miss him but I have come to realize that I am worth so much more than the crumbs I was settling for. I have a lot to offer a real relationship and IF he is really serious about us being together when his marriage is over than so be it. In the mean time I won’t be waiting for crumbs…I’m greedy I guess but I want it all or nothing!
Thanks for listening! Reading your stories and advice has made me strong enough to take this first step…wish me luck on sticking to my guns!
Mary M,
I’m so sorry that happened. I can only imagine what you were feeling. It isn’t your fault.
Update from me,
My MM is in the military and has weekends where he works strictly at the base, which is what he says. He spent both Friday and Saturday nights with me. He truly did work at the base during the day.
On Saturday morning he left me his email address and password because he was afraid an email was going to come through that he didn’t want his wife to see it. I went back to bed and then remembered when I got that he wanted me to check it. I couldn’t use my laptop so I used my phone to check. It’s somewhat difficult to navigate with a cell phone on a webpage and I must have clicked on something taking me to his sent messages. Needless to say I read an email to his wife stating that he loved her more than anything he didn’t want to lose her, he wanted to work on their marriage, etc. In that same chain of emails she had written about how when they had sex the other night she felt all that he could think about was me.
Even though I know what I’m in I was beyond devastated. We’ve been together for 8 months and at about the 4-5 mo. mark he gave me his word that he was not sleeping with her, he didn’t love her and he didn’t even like her. He was just waiting for the divorce proceedings to start. I was angry for about a half hour told him to go to hell…in alot of different ways.
This was Sat. AM and he was supposed to spend the night Sat. night and called later asking if he could come by and talk. We talked and really didn’t reach any sort of conclusion. He got up to go to the base Sunday morning and I said goodbye through the sobs. He had lied to me and I felt so betrayed but I can’t/couldn’t imagine getting up in the morning knowing he wasn’t in my life.
I spent the entire day in bed, crying and thinking. He called at about 10:30AM to stating he had a question that might spark a little anger with me but he had to ask it. He asked me if when I went to go see my kids at the house if I had “slept” with my soon to be ex. I was so angry and offended that he could think I would “get even” with him that way. He had to go because they were busy and said he’d call me back.
At about 6PM I became worried that I hadn’t heard from him all day. Usually he’ll call several times. 8 hours had gone by by 6PM and my mind was dreaming up all kinds of scenerio’s of what happened to him. I ended up driving toward the base, he called on my way there and we just sat in the car and talked for about an hour. I told him I understood why he lied, that I know it is difficult to know what you want in something so emotional, blah blah blah. And he asked me to take him back and I said I would.
As I sit here today, I haven’t eaten in 36+ hours because of the feeling in my stomach and I still very uneasy about the whole situation. I don’t trust him but feel like I need him.
I feel like I’ve lost 10 years of my life this weekend. I can’t stop shaking, there is no color in my face and everyone at work keeps asking me if I’m okay and I can’t talk to anyone. I want to go home and never get up again.
I talked to him this morning because he’s staying home from work to recover from the weekend and it’s been about 4 hours since I talked to him last. His wife has text me twice asking me if we’re over and to tell her the truth.
I can’t handle this anymore.
Thank you for letting me get this out.
Inspired,
Thats so crap, I’m really quite curious as to why he gave you his password knowing that the set stuff was on there. So now you’ve found out that he has lied to you and you feel hurt, unfortunately getting your feelings hurt is part of what we are all about. I suppose we make excuses for why they lie, but honestly they do because it keeps the situation going. Would you still be with him if he constantly told you how often they were having sex or how much he loves her. Would you put up with it???
I couldn’t deal with the wife contacting me, I’m sorry but I still think once the wife finds out then thats it. These women aren’t stupid once they are alerted to their husband playing about then they don’t let it drop. i think you had the ideal opportunity to get out when he asked if you’d take him back.
Good Luck.
Does anyone know if Mary L is ok?? not heard from her in a while…..
VOE,
Thank you for the advice. What you are saying is so true. This is the one and only time I’ve done this and I had been with the same man for 10 years and he treated me poorly for all 10 years. My MM has shown me everything I never had before and I did believe him and trusted him. I accepted that he was married and was wanting out and just wasn’t sure how to get there. It’s hard to explain but now everything I believed before is questionable. Even how he felt about me.
Thanks again.
Inspired,
I do understand, on a similar vein, before I found out my then husband was cheating on me I thought my life was perfect. Then when I found out I got a barrage of abuse about what a sh*t wife I was and that he didn’t love me anymore etc etc. I was gutted, everything I thought was true got turned on it’s head and it’s something that took quite a while to get over. Now you know he’s lied to you about his relationship with his wife, then it is bound to make you question every other thing he has ever said to you. That’s not unusual at all. It’s seems to me that he’s been doing whats necessary to keep you both on side.
I still find it surprising that he gave you his password, cos I’m sure he never intended for you to find the sent stuff, unless he thought you’d only check the inbox. Maybe he just forgot they were on there.
Take care.
I’ve thought about that too about the password. He asked me that question too. “If I felt I had anything to hide, why would I have given that to you?” I think it was something he just didn’t think through.
He truly is a good man just clumbsy I guess.
Oh Voice, you are so right. I forgot about #8. I had to reread the above. Wow. It’s settling in. And I am bitter. I am. I admit it. I feel wronged from him from years ago & we continue to repeat the pattern & come back to this place & everytime it gets messier & messier. I think the worst part is knowing that I have done this to myself. I have put myself here. I have created this painful situation. I did it to me. I can’t blame him. And I can’t blame her. And at the end of the day, it’s me who has to pick up the pieces & move forward. It will never be easy to see the man you love, the love of your life w/ someone else. Especially someone you feel you are better than. But really, would you ever think you are not better than your ex’s new love interest??? But at this point I am not planning a move like this is a game. I am not playing a game, I am playing his game & I have since I got re-involved when I knew he was involved. I am planning my next move for me. Am I strong enough to walk away? Can I say my piece, get my answers put it all out there so I can get some type of closure that will help me move on??? I dunno. I know I will get no judgement here, and it feels so good to just get it out & know that you are all here w/ good advice. I am just hurting right now. And it’s manifesting itself in bitter anger.
Inspired, I haven’t eaten in 18hrs. I can’t. This is horrible. I hope it gets better for you. I think finding my guy’s girlfriends myspace put their relationship that he says is over, more in perspective for me. And I wanted to know it. I wanted to find something. And I did. Voice, you are wise. Be careful what you wish for. It is eating me alive.
voice,
I’ve been reading the updates every day. I’m doing good. I did have a bad day on Friday. I couldn’t stop crying and I was sick to my stomach because I haven’t heard from him. I know I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore, but I thought I he would have called me. I really didn’t want this to be over but I just didn’t want to be treated like this either. I really want him to leave her. I have that he lives four doors down from me. He looks so miserable. I’m glad and I hope he is miserable. I miss him so much. sometimes I wish his wife would have found out, then maybe they would seperate. I’m hoping one day we will be together. I get so angry at times because I feel he has gotten away with murder. Does he miss me? Does he ever think about me when they go out ever Saturday night? It never bothered me before that they went out until I starting dating him. He never once took me out. That is not right. Never called me over the holidays to wish me a Merry Christmas or Happy New Years. I thought maybe he was just using me for the sex. Thanks for asking about me. I have a lot of different emotions right now.
Mary L
Mary L,
Hang on in there, good to hear you’re doing ok in general.
I know you’ve said you don’t want to see him anymore, but if you have so many questions, is it worth trying to contact him to get some form of resolution. It’s not something I woulod normally suggest, but you seem so churned up by things. maybe you need the answers to get some form of closure to the situation.
Take care
she sent me a text message today saying “i am sorry about saturday. can i talk to you wihout you telling him. it would mean a lot to me.” i sent back ” you shouldn’t be sorry it was wrong of me to be there. you can call me if you want to talk. i wont tell him if you don’t want me to ” . i was pretty shaken up by it because i really didn’t want to talk to her, but at the same time i felt that i owed it to her.
she called and said that she misses him and that he said that he misses her and wants her back. my heart dropped when i heard that. she said that she was there last night and that he told her that he wants to make things right between them. that this was the worst decision he ever made in his life. if it wasn’t me that it would have been someone else. she said that she thinks that he is doing this because he has a drinking problem and she thinks he needs to get help. i know that isnt true because although we do drink a lot on the weekends but we are bartenders. he doesn’t even have any alcohol in his house. she said that when she was there last night she saw a bunch of beer bottles. he said that they were the ones from saturday night. whenever we go out during the week he barely drinks cause he has work in the morning.
she asked if i had been in contact with him. i told her i had. i talk to him a lot every day. i also told her that he told me that it was over for him and that he is sad that 4 years are gone and he does miss her but that those feelings werent there anymore. i told her how he said that he was unhappy way before i came into the picture. she said that she didn’t know that.
the thing is that i know you are all reading this and thinking that he is a big asshole and just trying to play us both, but a lot of things that she said didn’t make sense. she kept saying that he was asking her to come back and that she even though she loved him she needed time to think about it. that doesn’t make sense cause he is the one that ended it and i know that she would go back in a heartbeat. i told her that if they were working things out then i was done. i can’t be dragged through this anymore. i think i am falling in love with him and i can’t cause myself anymore pain. i also told her that i was completely angry with him because he had obviously lied to me and that i really wanted to confront him she really didn’t want me to but then she finally said that if i felt i had to then i could.
i called him and told him everything and he said that none of it was true. that she was only there for 20minutes. he told her that he missed her but not that he wanted her back. he said that the only reason she called me was to try to get me to stay away from him. i think that he is right. i believe him but i dont know if it is because i am blind. i have never caught him in a lie and pretty much everything that she said besides the few things about him wanting her back, were word for word exactly what he told me.
he said that he told her he was sorry for the way it ended and he wanted to make things right. that he would do whatever he could to help her through this. meaning help her pay for school or whatever else she needed. he feels bad that he hurt her and he still loves her but he doesnt want to get back together.
i believe him. he hasn’t lied to me yet. i also think that her calling me is her way of fighting for him. he told me today that he has strong feelings for me and that he has for a while and that i am part of the reason that they broke up. he also said that she knew all along that he was unhappy. he always told me that even before we hooked up. what do you think? i am so torn. he promised me that it was over and i know all her stuff is gone even the her furniture, but if he changes his mind again i am going to be devastated. my heart really can’t take anymore!
Mary M,
I’m not sure what I’d do in your position, but from reading your post I wonder a few things.
I’m not saying necessarily that he has lied, but I believe that maybe he has tried to do the decent thing and let her down gently after all the saturday stuff, but maybe he hasn’t been clear enough, for example maybe saying things that he thinks you both want to hear. But on the flipside of that, it’s totally conceivable that he has lied to you. It’s a well known fact that many married men realise what they gonna lose in this kind of situation. I’m not saying that this is the case, but it’s a distinct possibility.
I would be interested in the fact that she didn’t want him to know that you’d spoken, In as much as if she’s told lies then he’ll contradict them. The problem is with that though is that it works the other way. If her version is true, he will want to dissuade you from believing her.
Also who told you that she was there with him, was it her because he didn’t want you to know, or had you not had chance to speak to him???? I would also wonder about him playing down the length of time she was there, Do you believe that a splitting up couple would only spend 20 mins discussing what the future held for them. To me it seems very unlikely… I’m not trying to make you doubt. I just don’t think the timings accurate. He may just be trying to spare your feelings.
Aren’t you concerned that he is saying that he still loves her and yet he has feelings for you???(yes I know it possible to love more than one person). I think he really needs to deal with that before he can start any kind of meaningful relationship with you.
Your remark about her saying she needed time to think doesn’t make sense….. Of course it does, yes he ended it but IF he’s asking her back of course she is going to want to think about it. Wouldn’t you if the boot was on the other foot. The trust between them is completely broken. No matter how much you love someone, aren’t you going to think twice about getting back together when they’ve hurt you that badly????
And yes you believe him, now no offence but I think you are in too deep to be completely unbiased. It’s a whole case of he said, she said… but lets be realistic who are you more likely to believe… The wife who ideally you want out of the picture, or the husband you are falling for????
Take Care.
voice,
i know exactly what you are saying and of course i want to believe him but at the same time what he says makes sense. what she says doesn’t. i was with him from the time he was done work until midnight last night and now i am going over to spend the day with him because his office was closed due to snow. it is valentine’s day and i am going to be with him. it seems like it is really over for him. i just think that she desperately wants him back. the reason i don’t think that it makes sense that she would want to take some time is because she knows that he is unsure so i think that if he put the offer on the table she would want to sink her teeth into him.
oh i forgot…
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYONE!!!
i hope everyone is doing ok and we are here if you are not!!!
Happy Valentine’s Day to you all as well!
All the best always!
Wow! I’ve just spent nearly 1-1/2 hours reading all the blogs…and wow! I’ve been the OW for four yrs now. My MM has always said he would not leave until his child graduates high school (which will be this year). It’s been hard…and I still don’t know what will happen. But I love him so much…he’s like no other man I’ve ever known. His W pretty much knows about us…I don’t see how she couldn’t…I just think she doesn’t want to give up the lifestyle she has. But even when she was told about it from an outside source…I thought we would be over. He completely denied it to her…and yet thru all that continued to see me. That was two yrs ago when that happened. I keep telling myself I’ll end it if something doesn’t happen after graduation…but somehow I think I’m lying to myself. I have finally gotten out of the not doing anything “just in case” he can come over…I have friends now that I do stuff with and have actually put him on the backburner a few times. My very best friend knows all about it…it’s nice to have someone to talk to about it. I didn’t have that until about a year ago.
Holidays are especially hard…I cried on the way to work this morning.
Thank you to whomever started this website…I don’t feel quite so alone now…
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Hope everyone is doing well!
Hello to allcriedout….Welcome
Happy Valentines Day to one and all. I spent the afternoon with my MM and we are going to the theatre tomorrow.
Mary M,
Here’s hoping you got the day you wanted….. 😉
I wasn’t trying to put a downer on anything, I was trying to see it from all ways round and it’s difficult to gauge situations through a screen sometimes,, but if you trust your judgement then go for it….
Take care all…..
I don’t know what I would do without this board and everyone’s honesty. On Feb 1 I finally walked away from my MM. It had been a year and a half and I have tried to leave many times before but have never made it this long.
My story sounds like everyone elses’, he’s my soul mate, he’s going to leave when the time is right etc. I finally got tired of the lies and the crumbs.
At first I did really well. My weekends and evenings were my own again, free of the anguish of waiting for phone calls that never come. At work when I miss him most, (since I’m the weekday girl) I would come on here and read everyone’s story and that kept me strong.
Well, for Valentine’s day he sent me a huge bouquet of daisies, (my favorite flower) and it melted my heart. I contacted him (big no-no) several times and spent a lot of time yelling at him for all the lies, no call/no shows, etc. All this did was give him room for more excuses. Now he is in my head again. I was strong enough to tell him I still want no contact (going forward) but now the saddness and the anger have taken root.
Whilst I feel this way I am in great danger of contacting him again. I am a firm believer that no contact is the only way to do this, but what do I do with these feelings? I know I’m doing this for myself because I deserve better, but why does it feel so awful?
Thank you for listening and I hope for all of you a happy valentines day.
Desertwoman,
You are right a clean break is the best way to go. The reason why you feel so awful is because you’ve devoted the past year and a half to him, and have little in return and also you have a void in your life. If you’ve told him you want no further contact then he should respect that. The flowers although lovely I’m sure were a bit of a cheap trick to push the right buttons, and it worked cos you got in touch with him, although I think he was hoping for a better outcome than what he got. The excuses he gave may have got him back in your head, but let’s face it, if he hasn’t left after this length of time then I can’t see it happening unless you give him an ultimatum, but even after that he still has to choose you.
The sadness is totally natural, it’s a kind of grief as you are letting go of something dear to you. As for the anger, try and let it go as it takes up an awful lot of energy to carry around that emotion.
Take Care
desertwoman,
voice is right and you already know that you should just cut ties. it may lead him back to you with no strings, or it might just be over. time heals all wounds and if he doesn’t end up with you i think you will wake up one day and realize you are in a better place. as for now i guess surround yourself with friends and whatever makes you happy. we are always here if you need us.
as for me… my day was amazing. the roads cleared up and we went out all day again until midnight. we had so much fun and the best part is that it was just us, no interruptions. i realize now even more then before that this isn’t just physical for him either. we were together for 10hrs yesterday and 8hrs the day before and we didn’t sleep together. we could have but we were out and about and both had to be up early. i was also kinda testing him because i wanted to know how he really felt about me. he is taking her name off the lease today and they have to do their taxes together, and they are also going to take that time to split up the bills. i don’t know what to take of all this it happened so fast. is it too good to be true?
Mary M and Voice, thank you very much for your responses. I am so glad we have this web site as it is very strengthening. Well I have some news that is a blessing in disguise. MM told me this morning he is considering taking a job in Iraq. While I’m hurt that he never discussed it with me and very sad at the thought of losing him, it really is a blessing. He will be physically gone and yes it’ll hurt, but I think this is my chance to grieve, heal, and move on. He said he hasn’t decided yet but I am going cold turkey now with the assumption he is gone/leaving.
Again, thank you for your support. I’ll be on here quite a bit in the weeks to come……….
Hi everyone. I just discovered this website. I too am involved with a married man, for 6 months now. Like you all, my story seems so familiar. I love it, I hate it. I want to just stop, but it is not as easy as it seems. I see him every week, at an activity we both go to; then we stay after, and, you know. Every week for the first little while I would say to myself, I just won’t stay, but then I found myself there, almost without knowing. Now I don’t even bother lieing to myself.
I am old enough to know better. My marriage broke up 16 years ago, and for all that time I had no one in my life. I was very lonely, and vulnerable, MM and I were good friends. We would talk, laugh, sometimes have a friendly hug. Then last year, he told me ha had loved me for years, his marriage is no good, he will leave her now he has found me. It seems so familiar after reading all these posts. Yet why can’t I just end it? I know he will never leave her. I don’t know if I really want him to. Why am I risking my reputation, my friends, everything? I know he makes me feel loved and special, I am lonely. But I know where this will go.
Anyway, Valentines Day came and went. I received and gave my very first Valentine ever. (My ex and I weren’t into that, maybe why we are ex) It was special. I guess that is why I stay.
Hi everyone.
The theatre was amazing, he also gave me a beautiful pair of earrings. Nights like this don’t happen often, but god he knows how to look after me. 🙂
Mary M,
So glad your day went well….. 😉
I guess time will tell if it’s too good to be true, but if it isn’t enjoy it while it lasts.
Desertwoman,
As you say maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that he could be going overseas, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. But a huge amount of distance is a good way to get over someone. It’s unavailabity at it’s best. Keep yourself busy with life and it’ll work for you.
Nuala May,
Hi and Welcome. We should all know better!!!! I have to be honest a say I don’t like guys that promise the world when they have no intention of delivering, it’s just cruel. I do understand your situation though, I spent quite a while alone after my marriage broke up, and it’s tough when you go to bed alone, and there seems to be a huge lack of affection in life. As you say it makes for a vulnerable person. I am concerned if I get found out, as my family and friends don’t know and I should think they’d be disappointed in me, But your card made you feel the same way tonight has made me feel, special and thats why I think we do what we do. For all the disappointments we have, those moments of happiness outweigh them.
Take care.
Thanks Voice. I am glad your day went well. Hang in there desert woman. The right thing to do is always hard but worth it, and don’t beat yourself up for one little slip.
I met my MM last night. It was wonderful as usual. When we are together, it is so easy to believe all those nice things he says. Then I get home and wonder “what am I thinking”. It’s very strange. But I am glad I have found this place.
i’m not the other girlfriend. I am actually the ex-girlfriend who he’s still been sleeping with and can’t cut off. Not only that, he has promised several times to commit back to me but his actions never followed through. I had been with him for a year. We had a serious relationship. We had been through tough times and stuck together. We had looked at engagement rings. His eyes would tear up when he told me that he would die for me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He broke up with me because I had taken out recent stress on him and he couldnt handle it. He wanted space and said he didnt want to see other people. He became close to a girl he’d only known for a month and slept with her. I found out and I told her what I knew because he didn’t tell her. She didn’t want him anymore and he came back to me. Then she realized she did want him back. I can’t let her win. He was mine first. He’s been lying to her like he’s lied to me. His relationship with her is based off nothing. He has everything with me. What do I do?
Row,
Which one of you does he claim to want to be with or is he just playing you both????
Our valentine’s day celebration was last night. We went to a formal event which was a first for us. He was very attentive, teared up when he told me how much he loved me, and couldn’t stop looking at me and smiling. These times make it so hard to be strong. I wish it could all be different.
Voice- I’m sure he is playing us both. As of now his actions have shown that he is choosing her however I can’t be sure of that because he still had the audacity to text me Happy Valentine’s Day when he decided he was going to spend it with her and not me. For a man of 26 he has no maturity. Yesterday I found out that he got into my Myspace and had the nerve to make changes without my permission. He deleted all of our pictures and changed my status from “in a relationship” to “single”. Ironically, although he tried to erase himself from my page he decides that he is going to leave the main picture as a picture of the 2 of us together. He also texted me “Did you need to tell me something?” I don’t know know why he would say that if I haven’t tried contacting him in the past couple of days. We used to live together and his belongings are still at my house so I figured he still feels like he can have both women knowing that he’s got his foot in my door. He spends more time with her though and so now I feel like I’m the OW even though I was here first. Do you know of any websites that deal with being The Woman? I feel like the other girl involved should be reading this site and not me.
Inspired,
Glad you had a good day too… 🙂 Funny enough I had a fab evening too, but by the time i went to bed it had left me feeling a little down, same thing I guess, wishing it was all different, but knowing it never will be….oh well
Row,
The only sites I would think exist about being ‘the woman’ would mostly be aimed at slagging the other woman off….
Is the ‘did you need to tell me something???’ text about you speaking to the other girl??????? Or did he know about it already??? But either way the guy is screwing with your head when he sends texts like that, and as for the Myspace thing, who the f*ck does he think he is???? I’m sorry but whether you love the guy or not, kick him in to touch, because I think he is exhibiting signs of wanting to control you and the situation and that is just a no no in my book. I know it’s easy to say on here, but I would make him choose her or you, and if it’s her then pack up his stuff and get him out of your life as you are worth so much more. I know I can be quite opinionated, but I have quite a bit of experience to one degree or another when it comes to affairs and your guy seems to be a classic case of exactly what you already know he wants both and keeping you dangling with a bit of attention keeps his foot in the door.
Take Care.
Here Row,
I don’t know whereabouts you are in the world, but I found this letter in one of the papers….. I know it’s not exactly your situation, but I think it has some valid points.
AM I A FOOL TO CRAVE HIS LOVE?
LETTER OF THE DAY
16/02/2007
Dear Miriam,
IT’S been a year since I broke up with my ex boyfriend and you’d think I’d be over him.
But I’m not. I love him just as much as ever.
All my friends say I’m crazy because I still let him have sex with me when he feels like it. I hope it will make him love me again.
But that’s all we do. He isn’t tender or affectionate outside bed – and now he has a new girlfriend.
He didn’t tell me about her. I saw them together and, when I confronted him, he had the cheek to say we’re not in competition but, if I didn’t like it, tough.
When I don’t see him, I make myself believe I can live without him but I only have to hear his voice to break my resolve. What can I do to make him love me?
Miriam says…
WAKE up girl. Even sex can’t buy back his love.
You don’t want the relationship to be over so you’ve decided to take up residence in cloudcuckoo land.
For many men, sex is separate from a relationship, from dating, from love, even from liking someone and having feelings for them.
Sex doesn’t guarantee anything. A man can dislike a woman and still have sex with her.
Why should this man spoil his perfect arrangement when there’s no incentive? He’s enjoying having you and the freedom to have a whole harem of other girls if he wants.
As long as you continue to feed your fanciful belief that sex will get you what you want, he will use you and you’ll be bitterly disappointed.
This is no longer a genuine relationship, just a sham and you’re suffering. He’s not your boyfriend and he’s no kind of friend to you.
He doesn’t respect you. With him, you feel empty and alone. You deserve better and it’s up to you to seek out a man who isn’t a waste of your time – someone who wants to be with you first and your body second.
Distract yourself with things you like to do and hang out with the friends who are giving you good and wise advice.
Thank you Nuala for your encouragement. Voice, I’m glad you had a good evening but I so understand the down feeling when you went to bed. The highs are incredible but the rest of the time is so hard.
An update. I got really upset over his leaving for Iraq. I should have just let it be, really it was the best thing. Well I got all upset and sent a nasty e-mail to him (big mistake) and then he called me and said he is not going after all as he can’t be away from me. A friend of mine thinks the job offer in Iraq was non existent. What is everyone’s thought on this?
Well if it was a lie, it sure got me. Now we are talking again and today we went out to lunch. We are not “together” but I can feel myself slipping right back in. God, how I hate this! Where is my backbone? It’s nothing but lie after lie but I can’t bring myself to stay away from his attention.
You all have a wonderful weekend.
Desertwoman,
Don’t know about the existence of the job offer, as I don’t know his work, I suppose if it was the sort of job he would be offered then it could be true, but if not, this guy really seems to know how to push your buttons, as you say he’s got you back ‘not together’ but back. Do you think it was real or just a ploy???
Sounds like we are all in the same boat in one way or another. We know what we need to do, but the good times, the memories, and maybe for me anyway, loneliness gets in the way.
I liked the article Voice. I think the answer is in having a life outside of the R. I am a very independent person usually, I don’t need to let my happiness be determined by someone else. I will try to keep myself busy with things and people I enjoy being with, and to heck with him. Easy to say, but the only way to do it is to get on with it.
Row, you don’t need this guy. It sounds like you are pretty young. There are guys out there who deserve someone as loyal and true and loving as you seem to be, and one day, one of them will find you. Desertwoman, it sounds to me as if he was just playing you, “oh, I’m going far away, and you won’t see me for a while, lets just get together for old times sake” or some such, then he changes his mind? Or maybe he truly doesn’t know what he wants.
Anyway, have a good weekend all.
I loved the article Voice. It hit the nail on the head for me, thanks for sharing.
I am doing well. This week has been rough, filled with alot. But I am making it through & know that everything will be okay. Thanks for all the support here. It’s nice to have this place.
HI,
Havent been in for a while. I have recently patched things up with the ex-fiance (who left me when he found out about MM)
MM has gone back to his wife for good…. and I still cant stop thinking about him.
I almost feel I am living a lie but love my fiance very much. Its almost an addiction to MM though.
As you know he is my boss, but we have been on opposite shifts. Both our contracts have changed and we will no longer be working together from the end of this month so hopefully I can move on eventually…
Just not sure I can let go…. I fell in love and I dont know how to fall out of love.
MAry M, glad to hear he has left the wife. Hopefully things can work out for you now
I wonder if there isn’t something of an addiction in this for some of us. I have been thinking along the same lines. I have alaways been a bit of an adrenalin junkie, My work life was always very busy, and I work in a crisis laden field, and lately that has slowed down, and my homelife was always very busy and crisis laden as well. It seems as soon as things settled down a bit in both areas, moved to a different job which is calmer, and things at home setled a bit, what do I do? I go and find myself in an affair with a married man. The danger, the risk if we get caught. I guess that may be part of the rush. Sounds silly doesn’t it?
Anyway, he now says we are getting “serious”, and he will leave his W soon. I will believe it when I see it, and in the meantime, do what I can to have a life outside the A. Concentrate on family, friends, my own activities which I enjoy. I think that is the answer, not to let myself be so dependent on the R to fill all my needs.
Anyway, take care of yourself MM is boss, and all the rest of you. I read somewhere that love is a choice, and we can make choices about whether we are in love or not. I am not sure how I feel about that, but I think we can make a choice and a conscious effort to not allow our feelings to dominate our lives, and it will get better. We are all wonderful women, and we need to remember that.
hey all thank you for your comments. it’s so sad how much we are willing to love and forgive and let ourselves be used and abused. as crazy as I feel about my situation i know that I still want this man to be mine. Voice, you’re article truly meant alot to me. I’ve always been aware of the cold hard facts but it is my feelings that leave me stuck in the situation. Nuala, I am 24 years old. I know i am young and could have many more opportunities and as much as I would like those opportunities, every man i look at just doesn’t compare to him. i was pretty much set on the fact that he was ready to move on with this other woman. in fact when i went away for the weekend he came home while i was gone so that he could start moving his stuff out. but he saw this collage that i had made as a valentine’s gift. he said it made him realize how he was not over me and couldnt go on with this other woman. when i saw him again we talked and he made promises again of working things out and i told him i was scared to believe him but he told me not to be because it was going to be alright. he called the other woman in front of me and told her he was cutting her off. he has been honest with me since keeping me updated on staying away from her. we live in separate cities (his job is in the other city) and he promised he would never go to her house while he was not in town with me and instead he would stay with my parents who live in the same city as she. and he did do that. but today there was drama with his sister. she had been trying to help me move on and he found out and was upset and he thinks I’ve been lying about meeting other people and he mentioned for a brief second that he might regret cutting the other girl off if i did lie. this is such a mess. i won’t give him an ultimatum because i won’t let her have him. it’s not even about him anymore. it’s about the other woman. i refuse to let her win. and i know i’m losing my mind through all this.
Row,
I fully appreciate how you feel about not letting her win, but remember you and your guy were not together when he hooked up with her. What has she done in this thats wrong???, well nothing much as far as I can tell(correct me if I’m wrong). I also think you will drive him away if you present yourself as nasty and bitter by refusing to let her have him!!! From what I can tell, it’s your guy thats been causing the trouble by going between the two of you. His comment about he might regret dumping her if you’ve lied in my view is just playing mind games. I suppose the fact he will be staying with your parents will help, but surely you can’t expect him to stay there every minute. Is that gonna happen?, if not, what’s gonna happen for the times you don’t know where he is?
If you can’t trust him, what’s the point????
Just found this website and was reading through some of the emails. I too was/am the TOW and have been on and off for about a year and a half. He is 39, soon to be 40 in July and I am 31, soon to be 32 in June. When I met him, he did not tell me he was married. In fact, down the road after we had spent much time together and as I would say “sealed the deal” is when he told me he was separated. Then I found out: he is separated but still living in the same house with his wife who is 8 months pregnant and a 3 year old. He finally did leave or should I say she kicked him out. I am admitting to the fact that I am the one who told his wife via phone one night after him and I got into a huge fight. I know I was wrong but I had lost all senses. I still feel guilty to this day. One thing that has helped me through my own tumultuous relationship and getting through ruining someone else’s is God. I don’t want to go into too much detail as to what a jerk he is because I feel I am just as much of a jerk. I will say he has moved out, gotten his own place, she has filed for divorce and he has set up parental visits and dates he keeps his kids. We still see each other but as things have progressed, I have learned that nothing is ever going to change his ways of thinking about marriage and women. It honestly will have to be God that turns him around or he will be a very lonely man for the rest of his life. I too struggle with completley leaving this situation. I know it is the right thing to do for all parties involved. I do not think this man will ever be able to commit to anyone. Time can heal all wounds but with God they heal quicker and you seem to make better decisions along the way. I am still learning, but I do know what I want. I want a man just like my father who has been married to my mother for 38 years. He puts her on a pedastal and treats her like a queen. She in turn treats him like a king. They signify TRUE LOVE to me. I think that is what we all really want in the end anyway.
Welcome Andee. And ROW, I’m with Voice on this one. Just take care of yourself, OK? Once you are strong and confident in yourself, you will know what to do.
Voice,
Even though technically we did not have the title of boyfriend and girlfriend, we were still seeing each other and when he was with me he treated me like we were still together. He would tell me that we were back together when he was with me and say that he loved me and wasn’t talking to her anymore. I know she hasn’t done anything wrong but I think it’s quite callous for her to take advantage of someone who was supposedly trying to heal from a breakup especially when he had told her that she was a fool to expect any commitment from him fully knowing that he was still not over me. When he had cut her off the other day he told her the reason why was because he could not date her when he wasn’t over me, which was a lie. The real reason why he cut her off was because he wanted to get back with me. And he finally told her that yesterday. She was upset that he was choosing me over her but she accepted it although she couldnt stop bugging him about it. It sounded like she threw in the towel but I don’t know where that leaves him. I know he’s sad he can’t have anything with her but it’s because he doesn’t want to lose me. Everything’s unstable right now but I am trying to keep my feelings out of this and be as indifferent and confident as possible.
this week has been amazing! i was with him almost everyday. she is completely gone and he is treating me great, but i am the one that can’t get her out of my head.
i am nervous that they are going to get back together or that what is going on between us isn’t real for him. he is doing everything he can to make me comfortable. he is even moving out of the apartment that he shared with her within the next couple weeks. luckily his lease is up at the end of march. how can i let go of this. he is trying to move forward with me and i am getting a little freaked out. i like him so much and i think i might be in love with him, but i am so scared of getting hurt. he keeps saying that we can finally have a normal relationship and although it has felt somewhat normal the last week i still can’t stop thinking of her. maybe i will feel better when he moves cause then i won’t have to think everytime i am in that apartment about how he used to live there with her. we say that we are taking it slow and not rus hing into anything, but it doesn’t feel that way when we are together as much as we are. i have loved every second of it, and he seems really sincere. tell me what you think. i am so confused and am still afraid that this is too good to be true. does the OW ever come out on top?
I am currently dating a man who has a woman at home. They have a 3 year old son and just had a daughter. I also have a 2 year old son with him. I really want to break it off with him but it is so hard because we share a child. He wants to have a relationship with his child. I can not let my son go to their house because the woman is enraged with me. She has burned up 2 cars of mine, busted windows, you name it she has done it. Currently we spend every weekend together. We have been dating on and off for about 12 years. For the past 5 we have been serious. We broke up a few days after the birth or our son and I have been the other woman since then. does anyone have any suggestions on how to end this relationship???
Mary M,
I’m glad that the week has gone well for you, as for how you are feeling, do you think to a degree it is based on the fact that A) the situation is all still a bit raw for everyone, and B) that because of how you guys got together, you are basically waiting for something or someone to come long and wreck it???? I think your guy seems to be doing all he can, and I don’t think that the amount of time you’ve spent together is necessarily indicative of you rushing into the relationship. I think thats kinda normal, we’ve all had relationships where at the start we’ve literally lived in each others pockets. Seems to me that things are going as well as they can given the situation as a whole.
Arb,
Ending your relationship is never gonna be easy as you say, because you have a child, but if you are going to end it, then you need to seperate and make the relationship purely about him and his child. If your boy cannot go to his house, is there somewhere neutral like a relatives/friends house that he can see his son without you being there???? I’d never condone violence but I can’t say I blame his partner for being pissed off. I’m only assuming here on what you’ve wrote but if he is spending the weekend with you aswell as his child then she is bound to be unhappy. You need to be straight with him, allow him to have time with his child, but if possible not with you.
Take care
Hey Voice, I was hoping that you would reply to my last posting. Do you think you can give me some more of your input or at least analysis?
Sorry Row, I missed your last post,
Um ok……….Reading through your posts, my honest impression of your guy is that he is telling you one thing and the other girl something else and playing you both. The typical thing a guy does when he is trying to keep two situations on the go. He sounds like he is or at least has been a bit of a player. You say you think the girl was quite callous for going after someone who is healing, but can you say with 100% certainty that at some stage he hasn’t said to the girl that your relationship with him was dead in the water and that he wanted her even if he couldn’t commit at that moment. Do you only have his say so on whats been said between the two of them, if so I’d be wary. Your last post says he lied to the girl, ok I know he came clean eventually, but even so how do you know he isn’t lying to you too??? I think I’d also be concerned if he is sad that he can’t have anything with the other girl in as much as could he be unsure of both how he feels about you and whether or not he’s made the right decision to choose you. Things are bound to be unstable for a while, but if he has chosen you and is trying to move on with you, then try and embrace that as best you can. And finally whilst being confident is good, be careful with the indifference because it’s something that can quite easily be confused with lack of interest.
Hope this helps, take care
Hi just found this website and i had to write. I have been in relationship with MM for nearly 11 years. I am married too with three children. Same old he said he would leave when kids are older!! I tried ending in early stages but he persuaded me to not he said he would see me until i am in my 80s!! This affair does not seem to affect his everyday life but it does me cause i am so emotionally involved – imagining him with her and him spending time at weekends etc, not remembered on special occasions she always comes first. I am too good to play second best to anyone so i called it a day a short while ago but god it is just soo hard. It keeps going around in my head is he thinking about me? does he miss me? or has he just wiped me out of his mind and life and merrily getting on with his wife!? I feel as if wasted 11 years of my life and even now still wasting it by thinking about him everyday. Does it get better? Will i always feel so crap? I have learnt one thing though i will never ever ever do this again!
thanks for listening x
Wow, I’ve been reading this site all morning and I can’t stop. I can’t believe how many of you are out there in similar situations to mine. It’s actually really comforting. I haven’t gotten through everything yet, but to all of you- Mish, heartbroken, Kristie, Mary M, Voice of Reason, Morphine, etc. – it’s nice to know that I am not alone.
I’ve only been the OW for about 2.5 months now. And, like a lot of you, I almost don’t know how it happened so quickly and how it got to this point. I work with him and he’s 10 years older than I am (I’m 26, he’s 36), and we’d always had chemistry and a mutual attraction to one another. One night, a bunch of us were out after work for drinks, he and I ended up being the last two there, we were a bit tipsy, one thing led to another and he kissed me. I honestly thought it was going to be a one time deal. Next thing I know, we are seeing each other constantly and it’s most definitely not a one time deal.
He married his HS/College sweetheart and they have three kids together. They’ve been together a long time and he doesn’t necessarily talk about a bad marriage, but he readily admits they almost never see each other. They have opposite schedules, all completely based around the kids. He’s always been the type to work very late, and has a lot of meetings at night, so it’s pretty easy for him to see me. He told me he loved me first, and I couldn’t say it for awhile – it’s not something I can say to just anyone. But now, I fell for him and I’ve said those words to him. He has told me he wished he met me before, and that the only thing holding him back from just being with me is his kids (which I can understand). He has also talked of divorce (again, this has only been going on a little over two months, so it’s still early). At first, all of that talk scared me – I wasn’t sure if I was only attracted to him because he is unavailable, but now I know different. I’m totally in love with him. He calls me his soulmate – and I think he’s right. We are soulmates. I don’t fall for people easily – just thinking about how quickly this has all happened baffles me.
Somedays, I think I should just end it all, be the responsible person, and walk away, because of his kids. I have even told him when I get these feelings and he panics. Other days, I can’t bear the thought of ending it, of not seeing him, and not talking to him. I never stop thinking about him. It also makes it hard because we work together, so if I do break it off, I won’t be able to avoid him. I do better with the “out of sight, out of mind”.
Anyway, thanks for listening. It’s hard when you can’t talk to your friends. I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet. But I will keep you updated.
I’ve finally finished reading everyone’s posts!
Voice – I admire you and being able to enjoy your MM and what you have without trying to sugarcoat it.
mary m – I really hope it works out for you – it sounds like you’ve had a rough few months but that there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel!
Arb – I feel for your situation. She sounds a bit crazy. You need to separate yourself from him but still allow your son to see him, if possible. Good luck.
Welcome Lucie R & NA,
We all try and help each other so if you feel lika a chat then sound off away. between us all we know what we’re talking about eh girls…..
🙂
Take care
NA – Thanks for your comment, from my point of view there’s no point trying to sugarcoat it, I know exactly what I signed up for and am enjoying while it lasts. I always think I sound cold when I say things like that, but after reading everything on here, I firmly believe the way I deal with my situation is truly best for my welfare. Maybe it wouldn’t work for everyone.
Take Care & Thanks Again. 🙂
Been reading everyone’s posts, and just feel I have to add my own. It is comforting in a way to know that there are so many of us, all feeling similar over the same thing. I wish Voice, that I could get to the same space of acceptance that you are at. I too know what I was getting into, in a way, but I did not realize it would be so hard.
My life is in turmoil. I have been in this affair 6 months now, maybe acceptance will come with time, but right now my life is in turmoil. I feel as if I am living two lives. I am distracted, I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate, I am missing things, I can’t focus on other people, my situation is always in my mind. I know I should end it, but I ache for the time we spend together, even though I know it is just crumbs that I am getting. I read somewhere, maybe here, that if he hasn’t left in 6 months he never will.
I never thought I would find myself in a position like this, and I have done some very strange things in my life. Just venting I guess. It is nice to have a space to vent. Thanks for the support I feel just reading these posts. Take care all you wonderful women out there.
Just had to add Lucie, I am sure it will get better. You are so strong to end it, and it is the right thing to do for you, or you would not have done it. I know it is hard. I get upset just thinking about it, even though I know it is the right thing for me to do as well. How did you cope for 11 years? You are strong. Hang in there. I don’t know you, but I am pulling for you.
I’ve been the TOW with a man at work for the past six months whose wife has late stage breast cancer. I’ve known him casually for 3 years, but only this summer did I start spending more time with him. He’s always stopped by and talked to me and one day he asked if I wanted to grab a cup of coffee. And it started out with us talking about what was happening with his wife, etc. Then it turned into coffee each morning. Then a drink after work where he came out and told me he had been interested in me from the day he met me but never did anything about it. I told him nothing could happen but we could be friends. After three months of becoming close friends, he tried to kiss me. THe first three times I said no. And we talked many, many times about why it couldn’t happen. He wanted me to go with him on several business trips, but I always said no. I was strong for awhile, but finally I gave in. And it was amazing. He is my best friend, but I always had this horrible guilt over my head. I always asked him why he was doing this–and he said that things had changed almost five years ago when his wife first got sick and ever since then it hadn’t been the same. I don’t know. I tried to end it so many times, but couldn’t.
Then last night he told me his wife had sent their two kids to a friends house for the night and said they needed to talk about their constant fighting and the state of their relationship. He called me around 11 and said everything was fine. But this morning at 10 a.m. I recieved a call from his wife telling me to not having anything to do with her husband that his children needed him. And I haven’t heard from him since. I know what is right to do. I just feel so ashamed and guilty and I’m afraid of what might happen at work. How do I handle this??
I just found this site, too, and had to write. I have never felt so alone, broken, and shattered in my life. I have always been a happy person, someone who has lots of friends and has always worked hard in life. But now that has all changed. Like many of you, I’ve been “involved” with someone who’s still married (albeit separated) and has a 2 and a half year old precious girl. The relationship started in deceit almost exactly a year ago. I had been in a relationship with my ex for 3 years when I started seeing my MM. I lied to my ex boyfriend for a few months until I finally confessed my other relationship to him. It ended then, and I had to take time off from everyone for a while…but sure enough, I was still hooked on my MM.
Though we have never had the chance to *really* be together, and his wife knows all about me and that he is in love with me, the tables are quite turned now. For the past couple of months, his wife has begged him to come back and try to be a family again. I can’t blame her for that, but he has been denying her because he doesn’t know if he can go there again (long story short, they were married almost 9 years and she left him a few times during this time and cheated on him herself – but he always gave it another chance, and now they have a child together, and that’s the reason he’s so torn now).
Also, during these last couple of months, he has distanced himself from me, saying he needs time to think about what the right thing to do is (I understand that, but it’s so hard). AND lately, he’s been treating me like crap – getting agitated and testy, and making snide and sarcastic comments – things he never used to do. For some reason, he has an incredible hold on me, and I’ve never felt like this for anyone before. It’s hard to explain it all here, but he says he loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone before, and that he KNOWS he’s in love with me, not his wife. I know he wants to do the right thing for his family…
But I’m torn, because I’m finishing a doctorate right now, and barely have any motivation to do that because this is consuming my life. I have dreams of living elsewhere after I finish school and teaching and performing (I’m a musician) and I know that I would basically have to live where I am now because of him and his beautiful child (who is so innocent in all this). At times, all that seems worth it to me, since I love him and his daughter so much. But other times, especially when I’m treated badly, I just feel so lost. And it’s hard to know how to pick up the pieces…
I’m so scared, and feel just so alone…
Sorry for the long post…
Also, in response to So Ashamed, I completely understand and relate to you, because I’ve received similar treatment from my MM’s wife before (we, conveniently, all sing in the same groups in town and all have to see each other fairly regularly). I know it hurts, but in your case, he does have a commitment with his family and sometimes we have to place ourselves in the shoes of those that are also involved and affected by this. All I can say is, get out while you can because it’s not worth it to feel like this. As the other woman, it’s hard to receive and expect the same attention from him that he would give his wife (sick wife, in your case) and children. I know it’s one thing to rationalize this, but it’s another to tell it to your heart. I hope you remain strong, and do what’s right for you. And listen to your gut, for sure. Best of luck to you…you are not alone!
At the end of the day, as the other woman you should never expect or ask anything of your MM, because he was never yours to begin with and any guy that promises a future when he has no intention of delivering is just a cruel b*****d in my book. As you point out sad girl it’s not practical to receive anywhere near as much attention as the wife will get, and to be jealous of that is just a waste of energy.
So Ashamed,
I never judge people as such but I think your guy needs a good slap…., do you mean late stage cancer as in terminal, if so then he should be giving his all to his wife and kids. if he can’t do that, then you need to be the one that ends it. Get out of it while you can, cos at the end of the day if he cheats on his wife when she’s that ill, then is that really the sort of person you’d want to be with????
Take Care
Voice of Reason, I don’t want to seem naive but it’s complicated. But in the end, you are right. He is not the type of man that I want to be with if he does this. She called three times this morning. Early on a Sunday. Threatening to tell people at work that we were having an affair if don’t stay away from him. Which I will. And now I feel like I really need to get a new job. I can’t handle the stress of wondering if she’ll say something if I happen to say hello to him. I don’t know what else to do with her threats.
And I made the mistake of talking with her. She said the pet name he used with me was the same he used to use with her, and that he described me as blonde and fat. The biggest shock–she told me he was married before her when he was young–some 17 or so years ago–and cheated on his first wife with her. He never once mentioned he was married before…obviously this is a pattern for him and I’m just another woman in his pattern. I know this is coming from her and need to take everything with a grain of salt, but I honestly can’t even imagine being with him again. I don’t know if anything we had was real. All I want to do is get away from it all. I’m just not how I do that. Especially since we work together. I feel so scared and lost right now.
So Ashamed,
Can you take some time off of work???
maybe have a few days away will help you get some perspective on things, but from what you’ve said (and yes I agree you have to exercise a bit of caution as the info has come from his wife) the guys sounds like a scumbag. Definitely sounds like his telling you both different versions. Challenge him on the first wife thing if you get chance to speak to him. IF it’s true then cut him loose and get on with your life, you don’t need all this,
By the way change your name to something more positive….. 🙂
Take Care
Voice of Reason, thank you for your insight. It helps. I do plan to cut him out of my life, even if the first wife thing is not true. I just can’t take all of this. Unfortunately I can’t take any time off of work right now and his office is right by mine. Luckily we don’t have to interact to do our jobs. I would like to speak to him one last time but fear if she ever finds out she’ll go through with her threats. I’m a single woman who’s always supported herself and when she threatens my job that makes me very worried. Though I wonder if she’d really do it because it could also cause problems for him at work and he needs his job right now since he’s the only one working. I did spend all day job hunting today, so maybe that will pay off and I can put this all behind me.
I knew this day would come. I guess I was prepared for the idea of not being with him, but not the pain that came with the consequences. I also wasn’t prepared to learn how he really felt about me from his wife’s side. He said he loved me (not a shocker, I know) and treated me like he did in so many ways. He was my best friend. Now I’ve lost that. And more of a concern is her threatening my job. I think this is possibly one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in my life. I guess if it does come out at work then the biggest thing I have to deal with really is the gossip and how it changes peoples image of me. Which is hard…. But I also have a funny feeling many of them probably suspected it since we always get coffee together and talk. But I think the only benefit of the doubt we got was based on what people thought our true character was…now that’s gone.
I can’t thank you enough for responding. The past two days have been rough. And from reading everyone else’s comments I hear, I know I’m not alone and could be in much worse circumstances. But it helps to know that I’m not alone and I have someone to talk to about it. Thank you.
Take care.
I will change my name at some point, but right now it really suits how I feel. It seems like I’ve got “slut” or “Whore” or “homewrecker” painted on my forehead at this point.
SA,
If the wife is telling the truth then this guy was never your best friend….. if she did tell people at work, you could always counter that, by either saying yes it’s true but it’s over, or you could lie and say she’s making trouble cos she is jealous of your friendship. Either way you’re not going to lose your job are you???. I certainly wouldn’t start looking for another job just yet, maybe if things become bad then consider it, but to be honest I think any of us who have been office gossip at one stage know it isn’t long before something more interesting comes along to be talked about. and I’m not making light of it, I know what it’s like to be the subject of gossip, but it’s not forever is it???
All I can say is it will get better, yes you’ll have days that are better, and days where you don’t want to get out of bed, but you are none of the things that you’ve written above!!!! As harsh as it sounds and yes I know you’re a grown up and can take responsibility for your own actions but this guy played you to get what he may not of been getting from his wife cos of her illness etc etc.
Try and keep positive just get on as best you can.
Take Care.
Voice,
I am trying to be positive and move forward. I always dreaded the idea of this happening and now that it has I’m beginning to realize I’m not quite sure what I’m feeling. My gut is to run as far away from this guy as possible. I want to believe he’s the guy I thought he was, but I don’t know if I’ll ever know the truth now. And I’ll always have my doubts.
As for my job, you’re right. Gossip is the worse thing. But I guess my own insecurities make that the hardest part. But it is not forever.
There is one thing that came up in my conversation with his wife and I think I may have made things worse by telling the truth. She asked if we had slept together and I said yes. Come to find out he told her we were simply platonic friends who fell in love…but we hadn’t slept together yet. I contradicted him. Now I wonder if I should have just lied.
I wonder how long this will go on. How long can she threaten me for? How long do I have to walk on pins and needles if I happen to say hello to him in the hallway?
I’m trying to be positive. I am. I was looking for a new job anyways. This just put a fire in my efforts.
Tomorrow will be interesting. We will see what happens….
Well good luck for tomorrow, as for you contradicting him, well he should of kept you in the loop. It’s always unfair when the other woman gets put in that situation, when all it takes is a phone call from the guy to say this is what I’ve told the wife, so please back me up. You did what you thought was right at the time. As for work, as I’ve said to Mary M previously, people at work will think what they like anyway, no matter what you say, so don’t worry about them. As for her threats, either let her get on with it, or get in there first and say something. That way she won’t be able to hold anything over your head.
As I said before good luck, and let us know how you get on.
Take Care
Well I went into work today with a huge knot in my stomach, not quite ready to face him. But after spending all morning in meetings, I realized he wasn’t even in the office today. Things must be really rough at home if he didn’t come in. I’m worried about him. Which, I know, I probably shouldn’t be. But if he wasn’t in the office, it’s not a good sign. I know at some point I’ll have to face him, but I learned today that I could go the whole morning without even knowing he wasn’t there. So it is possible to go without talking to him again. I regret what I did now, so much. I keep thinking if I had been stronger none of us would be in this situation. On the other hand, since he hasn’t tried to contact me I’m realizing that I shouldn’t be worrying about him since he’s obviously not worried about me. I think he’s more worried about covering his butt at home than he is worrying about how I am handling all this. Just another sign that he is not the man I thought he was. I just want to make it past this initial period and move on.
Sounds like you’re on your way SA….. So you gonna change your name now……. 🙂
So he’s not in work again today. I’m getting worried. I hope she doesn’t make him quit his job because of me. I haven’t tried to make contact with him, and won’t. But I’m worried now. Really worried about him.
SA – Maybe he is taking a few days off to sort things out? Can you email him to a personal account?
I wouldn’t mail him SA, I know you are really worried and are unsure of whats going on, but he is a grown man. If you’ve made the decision to move on, then try not to contact him.
I haven’t contacted him. I think any contact would just make it worse. Doesn’t change that I’m worried. But I’m just trying to be strong and not contact him. We’ll see if he’s in the office this morning. I’m going to bet not.
I think he’s taking the whole week off. The biggest concern I have is that he’s going to do something that has an impact for both of us at work. I guess not knowing is the hardest part. I went by his office today to see if he’d cleared it out, but his stuff is still there. So I guess he hasn’t resigned. Which is good. The longer he is out, the more worried I get.
SA, To be honest I think he is probably just trying to sort things out with his wife. I don’t want to sound unkind, but he may well be trying to save his own skin, and save getting himself kicked out. Maybe she just isn’t well. If he is having the week off, then it will benefit you making the break from him. I doubt very much he will do anything that will affect you both at work.
Take Care
Just wanted to reply to Nuala May. I obviously dont know this man but like all others he wont leave his wife! 6 months is a good time to get out mine was 11 years and it destroys you. I dont know if you have children but as you say you cant sleep, concentrate and most of all you are not there. Dont look back like i have and regret not perhaps being there 100% for my children cause my mind was elsewhere. I know its hard cause i am feeling it but if you let it go on any longer you will find it harder after all you are leading a double life it will eventually break you down. Dont be the sticky tape that holds his marriage together cause to be honest there is obviously something lacking there and if it is not you he will find someone else just like my MM will do no doubt in time.
Be strong and try and end it.
Thanks for the kind thoughts LR. I hope you are doing better. I am getting there. I have to tell you, last night he said, in all sincerity “there’s no trust in my marriage, she doesn’t trust me” Didn’t he realize he was saying that to his mistress? There’s no trust in his marriage? Duh!!! I wonder why.
I feel sorry for her.
Hi all, I just wanted to say thanks for your posts; I came onto a different part of this website earlier this week – the part of the website listed as “being the other woman.” I posted my full story in response to an article under that part of the site, so I won’t repeat it here. What I will say, is – it took a few days to read all of the comments on this part of the site and it has really helped to see that everyone is so supportive, and nonjudgmental about such a difficult struggle throughout their individual stories, while caring enough to offer eachother advice. I’m still getting over the breakup with the MM and every day, it’s getting better. There has been no contact, no emails or phone calls. Do I miss him? Of course!!! But I miss myself more – the happy, fulfilled person I was before this happened. I’ve been staying close to work, other friends, going out, doing good things for myself, eating, drinking, listening to music, still going to church and staying close to God while trying to forgive myself – even though I feel far away from God. But – it will all come back eventually. Each moment is a struggle, but when I think of the MM I think – it’s good that he’s not here, that I’m single and have the freedom to meet someone else who is truly available. Good luck to all – and stay strong!
VR, well, he finally came into work on Thursday and appeared at my desk right away. We talked and basically, he’s going to stay with his wife and try to do his best because she is sick. I never thought he’d leave, so I wasn’t shocked. The hardest part is moving on. On Friday on his way out, he gave me a note that said even thought he couldn’t call me or email me, he missed me terribly and still loved me very much. I know in my heart I need to just let him go. And that is what I’m trying to do. I miss him terribly but there is nothing else that can happen. He’s made the decision to stay and make it work and I’m going to make the decision to move away from him. Even if he really loved me, nothing can happen at this point. Thanks for all your support through this. I’m still a bit lost and trying to figure out in my head if he ever really loved me, or if it was all just a lie. I guess I’ll never know…
Hi everyone, hope someone can give me some advice. Im 26 and have been having a fling with a guy from work for about the last 6 months. He is 10 years older than me. I have known this guy since 2003 and he has always made it obvious that he likes me.
Then in 2005, I found out (and not by him) that he was going to be a father. When I found out i was surprised by how gutted i felt. I felt really crap, but also thought, well that’s that.
At another work do (I can’t remember if his son was born before or after this night) he ended up walking me back to my train station and we had a kiss. I just remember feeling so guilty.
Later in 2005 I ended up leaving my job for a while and I got an email from him saying he was gutted. He would always mention his son as well and say they were both gutted about me leaving and silly things like that. He would also send me photos of him and his son. I then ended up working at another company but still in the same industry. I went to a work do and he was there. he was a bit drunk and i started chatting to him and he said “you know when you haven’t seen anyone for a long time and you suddenly see then and you get butterflies in your stomach” and he looked at me. I was just gobsmacked really, i didn’t know what to say as i wasn’t expecting that at all. I kind of laughed it off and left it at that.
About 6 months after this, my contract at this other company ended and I ended up back at my old compnay on a contract. This was June 2006. Just to make it clear, he didn’t actually live in the city and he worked from home on a Monday and a friday and would commute down on a Tuesday morning stay overnight Tues and Weds nights and go back on Thurs nights. So i didn’t see him every day during the week and I would never hear from him at the weekends.
Then it was on his birthday in Sept and we had a quick kiss, instigated by him. Then my department director had leaving drinks and he came to that and wherever i was in the bar, he was always there, it seemed like he was following me. We ended up chatting at the bar and we had a pretty frank conversation, i was saying that i couldn’t do anything more cos of his son. I said does he not feel bad, and he said “yes, but i can’t help my feelings” and anyway we ended up leaving and having a bit of a kiss on the way to the train station. As we walked to the station entrance we chatted and i said, it probably wouldn’t work me and him going out anyway and he said, “I don’t know, i think i’ll always like you”.
Things became a bit more full on and it seemed only a matter of time before things would go even further. We ended up booking somewhere to stay over that night was really nice. And when we were cuddled up he said that things were getting serious and he was wondering when he could see me again.
A few weeks later was the week before christmas and the last week of work before the holidays i found out he had kissed his assistant at their department party I was obviously upset but i said he could do what he wanted i hadn’t got a hold on him. He texted me an apology later that night but i didn;t reply, i really didn;t know what to say. Anyways the next night we stayed together as we went to a concert.. He acually bought me a present as well, which i was very surprised at, i didn;t expect that at all and i did ask him later why he had done it, did he feel guilty? but he said yes, but also cos he wasn’t going to see me for a while due to the christmas and new year period. We had a really good night back at the hotel and he said some stuff that i just didnt know what to say to. We were talking about his son, and he said ” I feel that he knows you” I just thought what?! His son is 18 months old, ive never met him before how can he know me? He then said that he loved me to bits and that he did love me. I was really shocked and said “you do” and he said yes. I said “well, given the situation, you do realise i can’t say it back to you, ive got to look after myself” and he said fair enough, and that he knew that i kept things close to my chest. Ive tried to be guarded in my feelings for him and not thought too much about what i feel so as not to get too hurt.
Christmas and new year came and went and i had a miserable time as i didn’t hear anything from him. I didn’t expect phone calls or anything, but i thought a quick merry christmas text would have been nice but nothing. I had decided then, that i would have to finish things when i got back. However when i got back to work we chatted lots and emailed lots and he was being all lovely. We managed to sneak off after work one night and hada kiss and i mentioned that i’d not heard from him over christmas and he said that if he did, it would make it seem like there was more to the situation and our reationship. He did say that night that he loved the whole package with me, he loved everything about me. Whenever i talked he fell instantly in love with me and whenever i went round to his department he would light up when he saw it was me. He also said that the first night we slept together he didn’t want to go to sleep he just loved cuddling up with me and talking and listening to music. I did say as we were walking back to the station that so basically carry on doing what we are doing until I leave and that’s it and he said “I can’t see it being any other way do you” and i didn’t say anything and he said that we were both thinking the same thing but not saying it.
The next week we met up and went to the cinema and had a meal. And at the meal we chatted and at one point our eyes just locked for ages and i had a bit of a jolt in my stomach. We then had a kiss on the way back to the station and he said that we either have to finish things now, or carry on as we are and he has to make a big decision. I was pretty shocked that he was the one that said it. he said that he didn’t want to finish things.
Then 2 days later he dropped a bombshell and said that me and him would never happen. his child was only 18 months old and he’s not willing to give up what he’s got, he wants to at least try and make a go of it.
I was shocked cos it really had come out of the blue, especially after he had said what he did only 2 days before. He said does this change things and i said i don’t know.I mean i hadn’t asked him for an ultimatum, i had tried not to think too much about it i think and i wuld never have expected him to choose between me and his son.
I was obviosuly gutted. He still emailed at work and texted me and the next week was my department conference and he was going to be there. I tried being very blunt with my email replies. He didn’t make it easy for me to deal with the situation. At the conference i was trying to be as normal as ever and not spend any time alone with him, but he kept being where i was and when i caught his eye he came over and started chatting to me and he said “just because of the decision i made doesn’t mean i don’t still have feelings for you” we ended up going back to his hotel room and you can imagine the rest. I do remember him telling me he loved me that night, which again confuses me, although he has made his decision so to speak. Ive been with him twice since that night and he mentioned that at the conference it was very meaningful and i said i don’t remember as i was drunk, and he said oh and looked a bit put out. He told me later that he was being very lovey dovey with me and I said “did you mean it” and he said yes. He also bought me roses for valentines day, which i really didnt expect at all.
Anyways, there have been a few moments when he has let me down and i uderstand this to being one of problems of being the other woman.
The last 2 weeks i haven;t seen him that often and only the odd email/text. I was on holiday mon-weds this week and he texted saying that he had missed not seeing me this week and sorry we’ve not been able to catch up. He then said lookng forward to seeig me the next day. There was a work do this thursday and we were staying up together however he had to get home again as his son had a cold and his girlfriend was tired. I just felt very disappointed again and just thought, what am i doing!? I don’t want to feel disappointed or rubbish anymore, it’s not a nice feeling at all and the thing is, i know that i’m doing it to myself. I have said to him recently that i don’t think me and him would work out anyway and he said I don’t know, I don’t know. i gave him the perfect opportunity to say yes i agree, but he didn’t.
Im just very confused and although he has said his decision he said that he is drawn to me and he loves me to bits and that he thinks he will always love me.
Im not sure what im doing, but I do know that I need to finish things, i just find it really hard especially when i get mixed messages. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.
FR,
I must bow down to this guy’s superior ability to mind f*ck. Mixed messages seem to be an understatement, no wonder you are confused. Being honest I think everything you need to know about whats going on is in your post. The bare bones of it is he is doing/saying just enough to keep you dangling on the hook. This guy will never leave his girlfriend or kid. To take you out for a meal and gaze into your eyes etc, only to end up 2 days later saying I can’t give up what I’ve got is unfsir and cruel. The purpose of this of course is essentially him asking if you will agree to carry on regardless. He’s looking for you to say,’it’s ok, I don’t mind, I’ll be here waiting for when you want me’. But it’s not on to be treated like that. Then the gem of ‘just cos I made the decision doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings for you’. which although may not be a lie, he’s dangling the necessary info in front of you, which had the desired effect as you ended up in bed together. To say he didn’t contact you over the holiday period because he didn’t want things to seem like a relationship should tell you exactly where you rank in his life. He doesn’t want a relationship with you. I don’t wish to sound unkind, but hello, did I read this right- he KISSED another woman cos he didn’t think he’d be seeing you, I mean WTF??? You may not have had a hold over him, but he has zero respect for you. As for the disappointments, thats part of the deal being the other woman. The question is are you prepared to put up with it???
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I always try to be honest.
Take Care
VR, Many thanks for your response. Mind f*ck is definitely what i have been feeling, he hasn’t made things easy to think about when he says one thing and then another. I think it has a lot to do with my own self-esteem. Someone likes me and gives me lots of attention and i lap it up. I think im still with him because of this, because i don’t think i will find anyone else who thinks about me or says the things to me like he has. Ive only ever had one boyfriend in my life and that was only for 10 months and ive always been single. All the men that are interested in me are married or have girlfriends, though apart from the odd kiss, nothing has happened wth any of them. this just seems to be a pattern and i am now so cynical about men that i just think im never gonna find anyone. I hate sounding desperate, especially as I pride myself on being such an independent person, but this situation has made me realise what i do want, and that is someone who wants me 100% and hasn’t got a gf or wife, i just find it hard to believe that any man is faithful? It’s weird because ive always been commitment-shy and never wanted a boyfriend as they tied me down and there were so many things i wanted to do etc etc and maybe i was drawn to attached men so i knew they were unavailable and i didn’t have to worry about them wanting any commitment with me, which is an horrible way to be anyway. But with this guy it was a bit different as he was different to me than any of the other guys. I think that because he has liked me for so long, he will always have feelings for me. When i think back, i did like him, but i never thought anything serious until he started saying all the lovey dovey stuff to me. I then began to think that maybe there would be a chance with me and him and i should think about that, but obviously that wasn’t the case. I do feel a fool to have fallen for it. but i know im living in a dream world if i think he will leave his gf and son for me. To be honest i don’t know if i would want him to leave them, as (amongst other things) i know i would never be able to trust him and no one should have to live with that worry, so that should shout loud and clear to me what i should do.
The big problem is dealing with it at work. If i do finish things then we will still work in the same company and i will be at the same work social things. Luckily, i don’t directly need to speak to him all the time and I do have job interviews internally and externally coming up, but i don’t want him to have an affect of what i decide career-wise. I just know what i am like, and i will think about it all the time and feel embarassed and ashamed and hate myself for putting myself through this. I know time is a healer, i’m just not sure if being in the same company will help this.
Thanks for your really good response, it’s not harsh at all, i need a reality check and the more i read this the more i know it’s the right thing to do, it’s just gonna be hard.
Take Care yourself.
FR,
There’s nothing wrong with wanting attention and to be liked, but this guy is taking advantage of the fact, as I suspect have the previous MM’s you mentioned. He’s throwing you just enough to try and keep you in the situation you are. I understand what you are saying about unavailability, as i’ve bored people with many times that fact that I’ve been the wronged wife and now am the other woman. I’m not into commitment right now so my MM suits me fine right now, cos there is no chance of him asking me to commit. As for work, try to re-establish the boundaries. Make every decision about you and your needs, because you know full well if you factor him into the equation, and make a decision to stay to be near him for example. You’ll only ever be the other woman, as I truly believe thats all he wants from you.
Make it all about you.
Take care
Thanks again for your response. Fingers crossed when it happens, the pain and upset i know i will feel, won’t last for long.
I will keep you posted though and i hope all goes well with you too.
Look after yourself
I am not married (age 32), no kids either. I too feel for a MM. We both work for the same company. He is a sales guy who lives in Delware. I live in Chicago. He is married, 11 years now, with 2 kids (under 5 years). Yes, I feel for him. Didn’t want to put my heart out there but I feel for him and I feel hard. It has been 7 months that we have been together and we only see each other when we travel. I do love him and it burns to know that I am basically no one to him anymore. Just recently he has called it quits with me – mostly because of the guilt. Now I am left like an empty shell. I want to tell his wife but am fearful of him lashing back. After all we do work for the same company. I am just so bitter and hurt. It isn’t fair that I am the one to sit here crying all alone. I guess I would want to tell her mostly cause I want him to feel that pain as well. Why should I be the one with all the hurt, he took part in this as well. Why should he get off scott-free? I sit here alone in Chicago crying while he is at home with his family with no pain. He wont pick up my calls, I cant see him obviously, and he only texts me back once in a while. I just want to be with him once again and he wont have it. I have just recently been tossed to the side and it is killing me. I need to know has anyone told the wife? If so, what happened.
Did he call it quits because the wife suspected something or was it just personal guilt he was feeling.?? As for telling the wife, it will serve no other purpose than making you look like a vengeful b*tch, even IF she believes you, which she may not as his version of events may be better than yours. Do you think he’ll come running to you if you wreck his marriage??? I seriously doubt it, I think it’s much more likely he’ll end up resenting you and your actions. Yes you fell for him and you are not unique in that, I love my guy, but you like me are the other woman. To look at your MM as your boyfriend will never work. He was never available to be in a relationship with you, you have no claim on him and you can’t ask him for anything. As for him getting off scott free, you knew the situation when you got involved, by doing that you already agreed to share him. I totally understand your hurt, but realistically it isn’t often that these situations work out in the other woman’s favour. So the outcome of what you had with him was always more than likely going to end up with you as the unhappy party in all this. You really need to try and get on. Accept it’s over and start to rebuild you life.
After all the best form of revenge is being successful.
Take Care
Voice of Reason – Hurt is mostly where I am right now. My MM’s wife never suspected anything, it was just personal guilt on his side that he is calling it off. The wife is a preacher’s daughter and according to my MM she would never assume that this would/could happen in their relationship.
I really was that ignorant that I didn’t think I could/would fall for him. I knew he had cheated 5 times before with other women. The woman he married was, for all his wife thinks, the only woman he has ever been with. He found about 3 of the other women online right after his vasectomy early last year. So I did not want to get emotional over someone with his character. But here I am heartbroken and bitter. Mostly mad at myself for listening to his cries about how much he adores me and how I am so much more than his wife or anyone else he ever had. I am not foolish to say that I could be with him at this point. The sensible part of me says that he is a waste of my time and move on. The emotional part of me is playing those fond moments in my head over and over.
I just want him to get his hand slapped. Maybe I would look like a vengeful witch, but maybe she needs to know. Maybe my MM cut it off with me because he is on woman #7.
I guess I am just the worst type of woman a married guy could dabble with – one that has nothing to loose and one that is vengeful. If I did want to go as far as reveal his other life all I would have to do is print out the color photos of him in his compromising poses. Hard for her not to believe me at that point.
I haven’t done anything yet. And probably too much of a wimp to follow through. Thanks for listening and giving sound advice.
Hello, well I’ve joined the ranks. My story is a bit different; as this relationship I’ve started with MM is all online so far. It’s been about 3 months; fast and furious. We met in a chat room, knew of each other for about a year…then one night started to private message. For the first month or so..he was the insecure one..felt that I would lose interest. But 2 months later, I’ve fallen in love with him, head over heels. The situation is this…he’s been “cheated on by his wife” and has been looking to get out of the marriage; in fact is only waiting for their financial investments to “come due”. ?? Anyway, no kids, he doesn’t trust her,,etc. I am a single woman (widowed) no children at home. I wasn’t looking for this, we’ve spent hours trying to “define” us.. and feel we would like the chance to see if this might work out. We both recognize the circumstances that prevent us from being together..in fact we also realize that we may not work “in real life”. Is this a bizarre situation or what? All I know is that knowing him has made a difference in how I see myself; as an attractive woman..with something to offer. He is even supportive and encouraging me to seek out other relationships; and that he doesn’t expect me to “wait around for him to be available. I guess I’m asking for some feedback. We would like to ‘get together” to see even IF we’re sexually compatible. I feel we have a deep friendship (lots ofshared interests and can talk for hours online about a variety of topics) with benefits, as yet to be experienced. He hasn’t made me any promises, but every once in awhile his wife is introduced into the conversation and I just can’t quite put that into perspective. Am I fooling myself? I’ve tried talking to friends, but as many of you probably have experienced they just don’t get it..they all have their own agendas for me. I am attracted to his wit, intelligence, our shared interests, and his caring. I am confused, though, as to the actual definition of our relationship or if it has to be defined at all. I appreciate this site and will definitely be a regular contributor. thanks in advance
Sagemoon,
Welcome aboard,
I suppose the first thing you have to find out is what these financial investments are. If it is something like commitment to a mortgage of other long term scheme then waiting for them to finish may be a very lengthy wait for you if he is not prepared to leave his wife beforehand. And whilst not wanting to sound like a merchant of doom, these investments at their worse could be non existent and just his reason not to leave his wife ever. Have you thought of the possibility that they may never ‘come due’
I’m also not sure how you can be in love with a guy that is all online only so far. Is it more likely you are in love with the idea of the attention???, but how much do you really know him. Online communication is all a bit anonymous to a degree. For example I could be a 6′ guy with an unusual fetish for pretending to be the other woman….. 🙂 I know this all sounds a bit detective, but do you know for certain his wife has cheated on him. Could it all just be a line??
As for trying to ‘define’ what you have. Who is having trouble defining what you have, you, him or both? If it’s him, then is it a possibility that he doesn’t want to put a label on it, in case you think there is more to it than what he wants.
I totally understand what you are saying about difficulty talking to friends. very few of my friends know what I do, we talk in hypotheticals sometimes, but most of my friends and family for that matter wouldn’t approve. They’d all have their own opinions which isn’t always that helpful.
I suppose really I’m just saying be careful.
Take Care
Thanks for this site…I feel so sad today. My MM is married over 30 years. I don’t expect him to leave his wife and children for me. But I do love him. Today, we had a fight and he told me that he might let me go….I don’t want that…I just want him. It doesn’t matter if we can’t be together in the future. All I care is just have a little piece of him. It’s better than nothing. Maybe he felt I’m falling in love with him.
Im 25 and he is 50. I know it’s big difference..but I love him and deeply care about him. He thinks he is not good enough for me…but it’s not true…he is more than enough for me. I’ve never expected this to be so tough…never felt this lonely and sad.
Rachel,
How long have you been seeing him? was it a fight over something significant??? I really identify where you’re coming from. Maybe he just got a bit spooked with the whole love thing. talk with him and see what you can work out.
Take Care
Hi Voice.,
We’ve been seeing each other for 6 months. It all started when I told about how I feel about him. He completely freaked out that I’m falling for him and I might ask him to leave his wife. of course, I wouldn”t do that. I know he’s not mine. I just wanted to be honest with him. Also, I kind of told him something about our sex life. He completely took it personally and was very upset. I tried to let him know I’m completely satisfied where we are right now. But he thinks he is not good enough for me.
Obviously he is not in his 20s…it doesn’t matter to me. I want him just the way he is. I enjoy our time together…it’s not all about sex.
Since I can’t call him or I sent him an email. But I got very cold reply. He needs some time to figure out what is next for us.
It bothered me all day…what if he ends our relationship. I can’t go without him. I don’t think I will ever find a man like him.
I guess I just have to wait until he makes his decision. I really hope he will give me chance to start our relationship again. I learned my lesson, I would never ever let him know I’m in love with him.
Never thought I would be hopeless like I’m today.
Rachel,
When I told my MM I was in love with him, he just said to me ‘you can’t’ I was gutted to say the least as we’d been together for a while and I guess I just assumed he would say it back. As for the comment about sex, although I’m sure his ego was a bit dented, he should be mature enough to be able to talk to you about it. Give him the time he’s asked for, if you don’t he may end up feeling crowded and back away. However to balance that out, don’t let him mess you around. he shouldn’t just leave you hanging with the threst of ending things, as thats not fair. You need to know where you stand. I also think you’d find it easier maybe if you didn’t look at what you have as a relationship, but as more of an arrangement. Works for me anyway.
Take Care.
Thank you Voice.,I really appreciate your reply…I have no one to tell my current situation. My friends, my family has no idea that i’m seeing a MM.
No emails, no calls from him today. I didn’t email him either…but I’m going to let him know that I can’t wait him like this. I have to make up my mind and move on with my life if he breaks up with me.
On the other hand, I don’t think I can live my life without him.
If he comes back to me, I will never ever tell him how I feel about him again. As long as he is with me, I’m happy and won’t ask more.
I’ve never imagined I will live my life like this. No marriage, no children…
Been the other woman for over 15 years now. Ladies there is not hope in this, the best advice I can give is walk away as fast as you can. I’m in a very sad place and if I could take it all back I would
Has been two months since my MM has touched me or contacted me outside of work.
Like RAchel I am a lot younger than MM, and he admitted that he would never leave his wife for me, as he would be too insecure that I would leave him.
As some of you know I am back with my fiance, but I cant stop thinking about my MM.
We have been working together alot lately, and the flirting and signals have started again.
I don’t know what I am doing. I would drop everything else in my life in a second to be with this man….
MMimB,
Whatever you do, if things are gonna happen with your mm, end it with your fiance. To do it once ain’t good, but to hurt him again would be cruel?
Take Care.
I haven’t seen him in over a month, and phone calls have been sparadic & few. I have been thru this hot & cold thing w/ him even before he had a girlfriend, so this is nothing new.
I keep trying to figure out what I did wrong. I know it is not me… But, I did have a psychotic shouting episode on Valentine’s Day. I keep thinking that was the deal breaker. But then I remember there was no deal. How is me being the other woman a “deal”??
I have spent the last month living life. I haven’t stayed home & moped… even tho I want to. Sometimes I want to lie in bed all day. But I don’t. It is this sinking feeling that creeps into my stomach & heart. It’s this sad place I can’t escape.
So, I live. I make plans. I go out. I surround myself w/ friends. I lay in the grass @ the park, go to a play w/ my son, watch the sun set @ the beach, drink w/ friends, get up & put my make-up on. It is hard. And when he calls, I get excited. All my hope comes back, but then I realize he’s just checking in. To see if I am still around.
I am realizing now, how so much of my life these past few years has never really included him. Of course he was in my heart & in my bed but he has never experienced life w/ me before, all those things I have been doing, he has never done w/ me. I am realizing that all this time it has me longing for him & over romantisizing.
This time I got close to the flame. He knew how to draw me in. I don’t want to believe his empty promises were lies. Are they lies if it felt real to me? I don’t want to believe they were lies. But on the other hand, he knew, in order to have me there again, he would have to sell himself to me. Well, that’s what a friend said.
It makes sense, he had to say all that in order to get me “back”. So, it worked. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice (or twenty times) shame on me. Maya Angelou says “When someone shows you their true face, believe them the 1st time.” I know, had he not said all the things he did I wouldn’t have been around, for conversation or sex.
It was real to me. But I can’t hold onto it all if he has let me go. It hurts. It’s what I feel most. And there is no closure. And their won’t be.
Anyways, everyday I fight my fingers from dialing him. I want to yell or scream or find out why. But this was bound to happen, so the best I can do is pick up the pieces & move on w/o looking back. I think the part that hurts the most is that my heart believed him even tho my head knew better. My head tells me I’ll be okay but my heart tells me otherwise.
I went out w/ another guy on Sat. Someone, I’ve been talking to for months but never make the time to see. It was so wierd being in the arms of another man. I did not feel safe, or love, or the same passion. I must have been like a dead fish. It was so wierd. I’m not looking for another relationship, but even kissing someone else, just doesn’t feel right.
Well, hope everyone is doing well. As time passes it will get better. And before I know it my phone will be ringing & he’ll want me back again. I have to believe that this time, I won’t fall back into this endless cycle of self destruction.
Morphine – Good luck with everything! I will keep you in my thoughts and I hope you are strong enough to resist if your MM comes calling again. It sounds like you are doing well keeping busy.
Lips like morphine,
I dont know how this is happening but what u wrote in your last comment is the exact same thing i am going through, word for word, feeling for feeling. i just absolutely love this website. We are all living parallel lives and your life right now LLM is very parallel to mine.
Im going through the same s***, the pain, the hurt just because he will not call me as its time for him to let me go. And i as i lay in my bed thinking, after all the s*** he has pt me through, he can just walk out on me like i am nothing. What happened to the promise that he will be with me forever, what happened to the love that was so strong nothing could break it apart.
Im torn, between getting whats best for me and going back to him to just fall into the whirlwind circle he puts me through.
Everytime he gives me the opportunity to walk away from all this, i think of life without him and i feel horrible. And then i think, im i scared of being lonely or im i scared of being alone??? which is which??
No doubt i love this man to tears, but he is just not the man for me, i know i can do better, I am fly, young and independent, but why do i feel lost without him? I feel like a part of my whole being is with him and so when i let him go that part is going to be taken with him.
I don’t know the solution to this mess we are in ladies, i just wish there was a quick fix to this and in a blink of an eye it could all go away. But reality does not work like that. We have to suffer through it for days on end.
Ive done everything im telling you, ive prayed, watched dating movies, read books, talked to friends and mentors, but they all do not have the answer to my questions.
Why cant the other woman be lucky and just get the man and live with him happily ever after??? why this why that?? aargh im so angry with myself for letting me do this to myself. Ive lost the dignity and pride in myself and so i think, if i have gone this far and i cant seem to get myself out of it how about i just stay in this situation and be in my own little happy worls for as long as it lasts. Im happy when im with him. he cares for me in ways no man has shown to care for me. What do you think girls should i let it go on for as long as i can withstand or stay on crying myself to sleep and being unhappy all the time living without him? help me someone!!! please?
I too have a situation being the other woman.
Being in a situation where my husband only works, ignores me at parties and a communication problem, i started spending much time on the internet. Thats when i met this man. He had just separated with his girlfriend of 4yrs and i told him how i was nearly living my husband. He fell in love with me badly, showed me his family and even designed a baby room in his house for my child.
We met on weekends but he eventually asked me to make a decision. Talking to my husband about living him made him realise he was making mistakes and i ended up losing the other man.
I am in a boring, lifeless marriage but i fear to hurt my child by separating with the dad.
After a year of not seeing him, i called him and we met. He is now back with his ex girlfriend and we are having a physical relationship. I see him once a week and now he says he loves me. He is willing to buy me a house so i start another life and he provides anything i need financially.
He has wants to continue seeing me but there is his girlfriend as well. Recently his girlfriend got to know about me and told him she wouldnt mind if he sees me from time to time.
Its fun being with this man and i love meeting him.
Although my husband ignores me i dont want to live him. Am so in trouble, never thought i would cheat on my husband but i get so lonely.
The thought of cheating is killing me and i told this other man that i want to stop seeing him. He then started crying saying he loves me.
I dont think he is gonna live that woman soon and even if he did the trust is gone. He is 18yrs older than me. Does he see me because am a young woman or is it really love. SOmeone help me. what should i do? stop cheating and stay in this lifeless marriage, continue and enjoy this older man, or just drop everybody and stay alone? Help
Hi All,
First post & have just discovered this site. So hi from ” the other woman ” in Australia.
I have been ” the other woman ” for over 3 years.
I feel no guilt or shame at all. I went into this with my eyes wide open & thought ” what will be will be “. We hooked up again after many years as boyfriend/girlfriend way back. Both have had marriages that have ended. Mine was dead in the water for 5 years before I said enough is enough … he had no part whatsoever in my decision to end my marriage. I took 3 years to agree to meet him as I knew that he was still living under the same roof with his partner, even though they have not been sexually involved for 8 years as well. And in the end it was not only our mutual friends but his friends ( that I did not know ) that asked me to go down the coast & see him. They ( his friends ) say that he is the happiest he has ever been since we resumed our relationship over 3 years ago … that is a wonderful feeling to be totally accepted by them.
I do not regret that decision for a second. But I am the one that has put the time-frame of waiting til his youngest is finishing school ( 4 years til then ) before we live together. I do not want to disrupt his youngest’s schooling.
I too have heard the screaming phone calls & no I am not being spiteful … just telling the truth. She has her own life & her dalliances but has no hesitation to demand that he drop everything & go the shop & get her drink, cigarettes etc. I used to say ” go, keep the peace for the boys “. He now refuses to be blackmailed, made to feel guilty & just straight tells her no that she has made her choice & this is how it is.
I have & never would ever make demands on him. I adore him & we are totally comfortable with our situation. His friends are saying that I should listen to him & just move in now, but again … not while the youngest is finishing school.
We are open in our relationship & don’t have any need to sneak around or have quickly grabbed moments together. I am one of the lucky one’s & am very well aware of all the ups & downs.I am lucky that we do spend all the holiday times & special days together.
I have always adored him & we are connected & that connection has never wavered through the years, it was just not acted upon til over the last 3 years.
His children know about me & they would like us to be together now. But it is important to me for his son’s schooling to be finished & I am thinking of his son, not putting things off, wavering or playing games. His son is doing well at school & that’s the most important thing.
I am not selfish, never leave with tears in my eyes, my heart is happy & yes, I am going to be so happy when we are finally living together full-time … but until that day comes I am well aware of the road we are on & at the end of the day his boys are the primary focus & I do not want to have their world upset. They want to come & live here or have me live there but all in good time. And I am not just the ” bit on the side “. I am very lucky in my situation & would not change it for the world. This is one very secure & contented ” other woman “. I just wish that others here that are going through so much pain & torment could the same experience & relationship that I have.
I wish you all the best in your journeys.
Gia xx
Gia,
you are so lucky. you go girl,you have got what you wanted and that is all we want. you see why im still hanging on is because o the hope that the same would happen to me.i dont ever want to lose the connection. I am scared that if i lose the connection that he will forget me.
The other day whenI asked him what i will get out of the relationship he ended up telling me that we should just be friends, but he will remember me forever. “Just friends??” I cant be that with him. Its an all or nothing situation for me. Either we are together or we are not ofcourse we never concluded on anything about that. But the fact that he suggested we be just friends broke my heart into two.I think he was giving up on explaining to me. Its probably best but i cant, i will not accept to be just friends with him no way. I love him too much and he is meant to be mine. dont worry yall im not a stalker type chick. infact i am very opposite,i believe if something is meant to be yours, there is no need to fight for it, it will come to you. Its all in the destiny.
I just wish down the road he will realize it and be with me and only me just like you Gia. I am happy for you girl. You are a one of the rare success stories (including Mary M), that gives us “other women” some kind of hope.
Hi,ladies
I’ve been up and down emotionally…somehow when I read your stories I feel better…I gave my MM the space he asked for. We haven’t met since. But he misses me a lot and wants to resume our relationship. I want him in mylife too. But I just have to be careful not to be carried away again. When he says things that make me so special and all now I have to thinktwice. I know I will be happy when I’m with him. Im so afraid that I cannot find anyone like him. More afraid that I cannot love anyone else.
So hurts, you’ve said nicely…if he meant to be yours, no need to fight fight for it.
Really, if he meant to be mine he will be mine…At least I can hope.
Thanks again, I always find peace here and I feel for you guys.
Hi So Hurt,
Can you just get some time with him,tell him that you are not putting any pressure or demands on him & just ask him to be honest with you & where you are going in your relationship ??
If he wants space, just give him some space … but you put your time frame on it. Sometimes there are things going on in their ” other lives ” & we have to just take a step back & let those things get resolved.
I wish you all the best. Hang in there girl & just let it flow. His heart will come back to you & he sounds like he is having pressure put on him from another person ( not you ) & let him see just what life can be like with you & not the other person.
Hang in there girls … and I’m sorry but I don’t believe in the tale ” that if he is messing around with you, well he is going to mess around on you ” … that is not always the case & that’s not a pie in the sky statement.
Gia xx
Hi, i have just coem across this site and i could have done with writing on here a long time ago. I am 21 years old and 2.5 years i met a guy at work that i ultimately fell in love with, bt he had a live in girlfriend. He has promised me alsorts and that he was going to leave her and he never has, When i am with him, i don’t want to l et him go and when i’m not with him and i know he is with her, i hate him so much. I cry myself to sleep every night knowing that he he is bed with her probably cuddling her and having sex with her, even though he tries to tell me that he isn’t, i hope in my hear that he isn’t, but i know in my head that he is. He tells me he loves me though and he tells me he misses me and misses doing things with me and i fall for it every time, even when i think the best thing to do is finish it all because it would be the best thing to do for me, I Know i can’t live my life like this, i have done it for nearly three years and he seems to think that its alright for us just to have 5 minutes here and there with me, how can he says he loves me if this is all he can give me? Surely if he loved me then he would want tos pend every minute with me like i want to with him. I know that he manipulates me, i don’t even go out anymore, i haven’t done for over two years because he shouts at me if i do go out and accusses me of things and calls me every name under the sun, surely i don’t deserve that, why should he shout at me and call me when he is the one that gets in bed with another women every night and leaves me crying myself to sleep at night on my bed in my own? I know that i shouldn’t have been ‘the other woman’ i know that i shouldn’t have got involved with a guy who had a girlfriend, but i fell in love with him, i fell really hard, i think about him every minute of the day and every minute of the night. All i want is for him to hold me and be there for me and he never is. He is never there for me when i need him and he doesn’t support anything that i do. I have lost lots of friends because i don’t go out anymore and i have lost so much confidence. Even now, it is a friday night at 10pm, in reality i should be out with my boyfriend doing something fun or out with my friends in some pub, but i’m not, i’m sat here on my own crying my eyes out whilst he is probably sat in some pub with his ‘girlfriend’. The stupid thing is, is that i still want to be with him, but i know that i could never ever trust him, i could never trust him, to giver her up for good, i just can’t. So why do i want to be with him? Why do i still love him? Why do i want to spend the rest of my life with him? All i want to do is be happy, have a fun life and die old knowing i did what i wanted and knowing that i spent my life with the man i was meant too. He calls me his soulmate, how can he call me that and say that he loves me, when he is still with her? Two years after saying he wouls leave her, he has had so many chances to leave her and he always goes runningback to her and then i continue to let him do this to me, i just wish i could knock myself out of it, i just want to live in the real world. I would really appreciate some advice on this, something to get things sorted.
Joie x
Joie,
A lot of the time when us ‘other women’ write on here, we answer our own questions and problems into the bargain. We just don’t always see it.
You know that your guy is never leaving his girlfriend. He has no reason at all to do so. Mainly because he knows full well he is the centre of your universe, and you won’t make a move without considering him first. As you say you have been sat at home on a friday night. You need to have other things going on in your life, any ‘successful’ other woman will tell you that an MM cannot be your focal point.
Having said that though, you are being seriously taken advantage of. I think the worst kind of MM is the one that promises a life to the other woman. He knows it isn’t going to happen, he is just throwing you what he knows you want to hear. It plays havoc with your feelngs and it’s a bloody cruel way to treat someone. And to add to that the level of control he has over you as to regards your going out, it seems to me it’s a clear case of him not wanting to share you with anyone, eventhough you have to put up with sharing him.
Everything about your post screams out for you to walk away. This guy has had it far too good for too long at your expense. I know it’s the easiest thing in the world to say end it, but the effect this appears to be having on you seems so severe, that I really think for your own sanity you need to get out of it.
But I’d lay £10 on the fact you know this already.
Take Care
The comments on this website are utterly sickening. It seems that most of these poor ‘other women’ have convinced themselves that preying upon other peoples long term relationships, (even those with children)! is ok. Why do they do it? There are excuses such as ‘he seemed lonely ‘ etc. but in fact everybody’s marriages go through difficult patches for many reasons (even though the couple might be still deeply committed to each other, and yes, love each other). It is obviously wrong to wait, like a vulture or hyaena, to grab at the inevitable weak point. You people who do this deserve nothing but rotten relationships themselves, so why all this whingeing? Basically people who launch themnselves at vulnerable men (or women)who are married or committed long term to another partner, are social psychopaths who will do anything to get what they want May such people get eaten away by their own bitter and rancid juices.
Geoegia, you are obvioulsy ignorant to the meaning of ‘true love’ yes some people who do this are preying vultures and others aren’t, you have no right to slag people off like you just have done untilyou go through something similar yourself, you can’t say that you will never do it, as you don’t know what is around the corner,I didn’t plan to walk into meeting this guy and feeling like i did, when you have a connection with someone you can’t just ignore it, regardless if tehya re with someone else. You obvioulsy haven’t had teh pleasure of actually being in love with someone so much that uou heart aches intensly for each other, the huy i met is older than me, there is no way we could have got togetehr before he met his now ex because i would have been 12 and he would have been 17, somethings in life you have to wait for and people will make mistakes before they meet the right person, regardless of the heartache that many people have to go through, it is not a case of ‘preying’ like a vulture, things happen in life that you can’t help and there is no way that you can predict what is going to happen, one day, you won’t ‘just love’ someone, you’ll be ‘in love’ and just so you understand this, i hope it’s with a MM that you can’t have and then you will realise why many women do this, ignorance can be bliss, but in your case, it’s just ignorance full stop.
This site has been a lifesaver for me, it has given me the support I need to finally make the break and keep the break broken.
I am married and have 3 children myself, but also involved with someone else. My MM is the father of my 23 year old daughter. When I found out I was pregant at 20, he left me without a word, but as women do, we just cry, sigh, then get on with life. After 20 years. we met up through a reunited site and ended up involved again. I told my daughter the truth about her dad (not about us), they met and get on really well, he rings and txts a few times a week and she has visited London a couple of times to see him, he gives her money to help her out while she is at uni and pays for breaks with her bf along with birthday and christmas presents. Although, he has been in contact with her for almost 2 years, but still hasn’t mentioned to his wife that she exists – says a lot doesn’t it!!
However, irrespective of how they get on, I am sick of crumbs from his expensive table and I have finally realised there is no future for us as a couple, I’m sick of the same excuses (from the MM’s Handbook) he can’t leave because of his kids etc etc. Both he and his wife are very successful, they and their two children have a wonderful life in Kent with mansions, ponies, private schools etc why would he ever leave that for me? (although, I must be true to myself and admit that even if he did, I couldn’t be sure I would leave to be with him – as much as I love him, so why do I need to know that he will leave her eventually?). We have both tried to end it many times, but keep drifitng back together. However, on Friday morning after a disagreement between us, he sent a goodbye text. He told me that he loved me with all his heart and said “goodbye my darling girl”. I felt really numb. but just sent a goodbye one back. His normal course of action after this type of parting is to send an email a couple of days later to ask how I am etc etc, this time though I am determined that I won’t be available, and need to break all contact for my own sanity. I have deleted my hotmail account, deleted his phone number and changed the sim card on my mobile so he can’t get in touch with me. I adore him, he was my first love and it is hurting so much, but I have to be strong. BUT, what do I do about his relationship with my daughter? She is old enough to deal with him without me, but what if he was only friendly / generous to her because of me and what we had? I know if he hurts her I will be furious with him – but what could I do? I would not tell his wife as that could rebound on my relationship with my husband. God, what a mess.
Georgia,
I sincerely hope one day you get knocked off that high horse of yours. I’m only guessing but I think you are possibly a wronged wife because nowhere in your post have you mentioned the married guys and lets face it women too that go out of their way to cheat on their partners, and trust me they do exist.
This page is about helping and supporting people who find themselves in this situation, a lot of whom are trying to break free from it.
I think if you’d taken the time to read the posts properly you’d realise that a lot of the married guys we’re talking about on here are manipulative and a lot give the ‘my wife doesn’t understand me and I’d leave her if I could blah blah blah’ routine. Furthermore there aren’t that many instances of the other women on here who are the ‘vultures’ you perceive us to be.
Finally, if I was right and you are a wronged wife, and you are after answers as to why your guy cheated on you, then maybe if you post something objective on here, maybe one of us can give you a bit of understanding as to why.
Take Care
Ali,
As you say this situation has gone as far as it can, nothing is ever going to come of it. You’ve done everything right to end it. Your daughter should still be able to have her relationship with her dad. If he messes that up, then you can be there for your daughter. Also you are right to not tell the wife. It serves no real purpose, will just make you look vengeful and also as you have said has a very real chance of dragging your husband into it too if your MM decides to get a little payback of his own.
Take Care
Hi there…after googling the words ‘stories of the other woman’ yesterday afternoon I found this site and have been hooked on it ever since. I have read every single post and am amazed at how many women out there are TOW in a relationship, just like me. Let me fill you in on my story….
I’m a 48 year-old young-at-heart and energtic woman with 2 kids of 24 and 21, separated from my ex 8 years ago this month, with one serious realtionship after that which ended in May 2006. I’m the owner of a family business with a staff of 40 people, and am currently involved with one of them.
This man is 17 years younger than me, and we have both known each other for the past 15 years and both have respected each other immensely and worked well together all this time. There has always been a mutual physical and intellectual attraction between us, but because of events and situations in both our lives, that’s all it ever was. I had attended his wedding 7 years ago and know his wife from way back too.
At our last Christmas staff party, he and I somehow ended up together with some other people from the company at a local nightspot, where we spent the evening talking about loads of events in both our lives, as we have always felt very comfortable doing this over the years. For the past 2-3 years this MM has had several problems in his marriage since his wife is quite the career-climber and spends almost every day/evening at work (she manages a spa centre), including weekends. This happened after she took over this job 5 years ago, and my MM has tried to talk to her about the situation, cajoled, threatened and begged her to balance her life so that they could have a good marriage. She has always told him that she sees nothing wrong with working so much and building up her career, and that he should be happy that she is doing this. Of course, just like everyone else, he just wanted to be loved and needed and appreciated and, because of her recent actions and indifference to the marriage, he has fallen out of love with her and has told her this several times and that he wants out.
Well, coming back to the night I mentioned above….at the end of the evening, I drove him back to his car and we sat in my car for a few minutes just talking about the lovely evening we had spent together and how great it was to spend some time together away from work, dancing and generally enjoying ourselves. All of a sudden, he leaned over and kissed me deeply..I was totally taken by surprise but in that split second also felt it was the most natural thing in the world to be happening. He then went on to say that he has besotted with me for the past 10 years and has desperately wished to have an opportunity to tell me how he has been feeling about me. At the time, I was a little wary and told him that although I enjoyed the kissing and the feelings it brought to the surface, even for me, he was still married and that it would not be right to start something between us before he finished his other relationship. He agreed, but of course, things happened fast after that. We started texting and meeting for coffee and exercising together and spending as much time together as possible. It was even more of a pleasure for us both to go to work each day since we were also able to see each other. During the past weeks, we have both felt our feelings grow for each other and he was the one, a couple of weeks ago, to admit to me that he was falling heavily in love with me and that he wanted to have a future with me, no matter what. Since then we have been discussing and meeting and sleeping together, and I have to say that it has been one of thhe most intense and happy times of my whole life, and he is saying exactly the same thing and we spend a lot of time planning this future life together. It does seem sudden but in all honesty it seems like we have both been waiting for each other all our lives and somehow now the time is right and it feels good for both of us.
Now, here comes the hard part. He’s been married to his childhood sweetheart for the past 7 years, has known her for about 15 years, and although he does not love her at all anymore and has been trying to get out of his marriage for the past couple of years, he is worried about how this will affect her, his family, her family etc etc. He is a very conscientious and responsible person and we have also both even tried to put a hold on our relationship whilst he sorts it all out so that we can be together within this year. At the moment, I feel that, despite my true and deep feelings of love that have developed for him in these past months, I feel sad that he has not taken the final step he needs to be out of his marriage (which, by the way, has produced no children). His wife, who I know, can be a very highly-strung person and he has told me that when he mentions leaving her she starts to freak out and cry and promise that she will change etc etc and he has ended up giving her more than one chance but has been disappointed and disillusioned as she goes back to her old ways in a matter of weeks. Now that we have found each other, he says it has given him renewed strength to carry out his intention of splitting up with her, but that there is something that keeps him back from making the last move.
Reading through your posts, I see that many of you have been involved with MM for many years, in the hope of someday being together as a proper couple. I can very much now identify with all the roller-coaster emotions that TOW goes through in such a relationship with a MM and my heart goes out to you all, as it really is a sad situation on both sides when the feelings are genuine and real.
However, I have decided to give myself a timeframe for my MM to get out of his marriage. I have not told him this, but I am willing to wait till the end of June this year to see what happens (6 months since we first started all this). It’s already really tough dealing with this situation….I find myself keeping myself available for the few snatched hours here and there on weekdays and weekends when we can be together (we don’t spend all our time together even though he is pretty free to do so, but I agree with that). Every night I go to bed thinking and praying that tomorrow may be the day when he finally tells her they are through. All my waking thoughts are spent on this situation, and I have recently also neglected some of my closest friends as I feel that I may have to explain too much to them as to why I am acting a little aloof and unavailable right now.
Well, as I said, I am determined to give myself an ultimatum…time will tell if I will be able to keep it because I feel that this has been one of the most wonderful things to happen in my life and sometimes I think that waiting for what may become a possibility one day soon is worth it….
Much love and peace to you all – Waiting xx
Hi, I’m back…everytime I feel down I visit this site…
I’m confused. My MM wants me to be passionate and romantic with him. And when I do that he freaks out and says I’m falling for him again. What should I do?
Waiting,
I think your’re dealing with this well. Setting yourself the timeframe is very good. The longer your affair goes on the less likely he is to leave. I have to be honest and say be wary of the whole wife bursts into tears at the mention of splitting up scenario. That could well be his reason to never leave. Seems odd that he is painting her as this dynamic, work driven, fully independent business woman that copes well without him. If this was the case, doesn’t seem to fit that she’d be highly strung. I could of course be totally wrong… 🙂
Also although I’m sure you’re not doing it deliberately don’t neglect your friends. Even if you cannot explain the situation to them at the moment, because there may come a time when you’ll want to.
Take Care
Rachel,
Tell him he can’t have it both ways, if he wants the passion/romance, then he has to get over whats gone on before. Passion is a very intense feeling, if he wants you to display that, then he needs to understand & accept that the way you feel about him that makes you passionate.
Take Care
Hi Gia, i just wanted to let u know that the advice you gave me was very uplifting. For once i did not feel that someone was against my need for his love. you see everyone is telling me to leave him and he is not worth my time. But once someones heart is set on someone its hard to get that heart away. And my heart is set on him
I am sure that he has alot going on with his life rite now and he even has told me the different things he is doing. So i am letting him have his space. I can bet you he wants things to resolve at his own pace, where there is not too much drama and fights involved, ( coz his supposed ex is psycho).
But then again how long should i wait for him to resolve his issues, im i passing a chance at meeting someone who will make me their number one and not second best? Im i giving him too much?? Right now i decided to go with the flow, its all about compromise but i think i am giving too much of his way. Either way, ive decided, im going to stick around, see how things turn out, weigh my options. If things arent looking good i’ll be on my way, if they turn for the better then i will be one hell of a happy girl. so lets see in the following weeks how this is going to turn out. wish me luck yall. i wish u all luck too!!
Hi Voice
Thanks for your input, which I really appreciate. Yes, I have set myself a personal timeframe and do hope to stick to it, but in the meantime the waiting is really getting to me 🙁 I’m trying to fill my weekends with chores and errands and meeting friends, but everywhere I go and everything I do holds no pleasure for me at all. I know that I have chosen to do this for now and have to accept the situation because of this choice, although it doesn’t make it any easier does it?
As for the wife, I do know that she is a professional in her field of work and can cope with all the pressure there…but when it comes to relationship issues she uses the tears, tantrums and threats. She has even told him that she would make life hell for him if her ever left. She is telling him that she has made a commitment in front of God and her family to be his wife for always, but tell me, how much of a commitment is she making by never being there for him?? I and he also believe that she is worried that about her status and how she will ‘look’ as a divorced woman. Well, this is something he has to work out for himself cos I can’t do anything about it except offer him my love and support. Let’s see what happens, if anything, whilst I presently live a life of quiet desperation….
Take care all
so hurt
I am right where you are at the moment. I have grown to love my MM so much over the past weeks/months but also realise that I need to be number one in his life and not just an option because of stuff going on in his own life. I know what you mean when you say that you are prepared to wait a while to see what/if anything happens so that you two may one day be together. The only suggestion I can make is for you to set yourself a personal cutoff date, like I am going to (try!) to do. It can be for as long as you want, and, according to the way things progess or not, you can always change it, it’s entirely up to you. I think this way of thinking gives us a certain control over the situation, cos let’s face it, most of the shots are called by the MM and we can do nothing but wait on the sidelines for those precious moments we manage to get every so often. It sounds a bit lame, I know, but as you say, once your heart is set on someone, no amount of reason is going to change what’s in your heart, right?
Hope your story has a positive ending 🙂
To So Hurt,
I’m glad that you got something from my experience that is positive. I can’t answer your question on your time frame, sorry girl but that is something you have to decide on. Every situation is different & I hope that things all turn good for you. It’s your decision but if your heart is really with this other man ( and it seems like it is ) … just hang in for your timeframe & let it flow. Good luck girl.
Gia xx
To Georgia,
I am responding to your post directly & addressing the points you have made.
Georgia Says:
March 17th, 2007 at 8:50 pm
The comments on this website are utterly sickening. It seems that most of these poor ‘other women’ have convinced themselves that preying upon other peoples long term relationships, (even those with children)! is ok. Why do they do it? There are excuses such as ‘he seemed lonely ‘ etc. but in fact everybody’s marriages go through difficult patches for many reasons (even though the couple might be still deeply committed to each other, and yes, love each other). It is obviously wrong to wait, like a vulture or hyaena, to grab at the inevitable weak point. You people who do this deserve nothing but rotten relationships themselves, so why all this whingeing? Basically people who launch themnselves at vulnerable men (or women)who are married or committed long term to another partner, are social psychopaths who will do anything to get what they want May such people get eaten away by their own bitter and rancid juices.
1. If you find these posts ” utterly sickening “, why are you reading them & what led you to this site ?? No-one is forcing you to read posts here, so you have yourself to blame for being ” utterly sickened “.
2. We are not ” poor women ” and are not preying on vulnerable people.
3. We are not vultures or hyenas … we do not feed on dead bodies. I have a higher paying job & am in a better financial position than my MM … not that it matters … as our love comes from the heart not the bank balance.
4. Please look up the definition of Social Psychopath … I do not find any correlation between that and our stories on here. What are you basing that fact on ?? Or are you just stirring the pot & trying to get a bite … well you got one !!
5. Sounds like you have been one of those that have maybe not been all that your husband/partner was expecting & are taking your hurt out on those that do make their MM happy. Please correct me if I am wrong.
6. No-one deserves a ” rotten relationship ” … your post is very vindictive & toxic … maybe you need to address your self-esteem issues.
And again, no-one is forcing you to read the posts or even come to this site.
Gia.
Gia,
In regards to point number 1. I think there are only two real reasons why people look up sites about the other woman. One is that they’re in our situation or they are a wronged wife.
I personally believe georgia is the latter as her bitterness is solely directed at the other woman. I understand that totally, my ex husband cheated on me, and when I found out all my anger was directed at her and I desperately wanted to believe that is was her that led him astray and that it was all her fault. however after a while I realised that things in my marriage weren’t as as I thought.
Now I’m the other woman, and enjoying it. I don’t know if georgia will return here or not,but to be honest although maybe she was quite rude in her approach. I think maybe she was just after some answers. We all need to vebt from time to time, and I think this was her way.
Take Care
Thank you Voice..
Take care
Rachel
You ok???
Well Ladies,
I fell off the wagon! I was doing pretty well until last weekend!
The last time I wrote on the site was Feb. 12th when I wanted to thank you all for making me strong enough to walk away. Then a little over a month of sticking to my guns…he waltz back into my life and I’m back at square one! I’m so mad at myself for letting him do this to me but I can’t help but hope that what he is offering is real.
Let me catch you up…I decided that I had had enough crumbs and walked after his wife hired a PI. Was doing quite well keeping busy with friends; even started seeing an old school mate. (Nothing serious but we got along well and had lots of fun together and I wasn’t second to anyone with him) When my MM realized that I wasn’t sitting around waiting for his calls and even NOT answering his attempts to contact me he became pretty aware that I wasn’t kidding. I wasn’t waiting for him and if he wanted to be with me he should make some changes.
My MM sent me an e-mail telling me that he had spoken to his father-in-law (boss) and told him that he wanted out of the family and business. I don’t completely understand why he has to deal with the father-in-law in stead of the wife but I guess that has to do with our cultural differences. From the beginning he told me that he would have to cut ties at work before he could start the divorce. I guess this is his way of letting me know that he is working on things. He says he’s been miserable without me and that he’s trying his best to get out of his marriage and back into my arms. I want to believe that this is true so badly! I really love him and even though I’ve been going out and keeping busy, I couldn’t stop thinking about him!
I’ve decided that I should have a walk out date (after reading the posts on the site) and see how things go till then. In the mean time I’m not going to change things too much. If I am available to answer a phone call or text then I will and if I’m not I won’t. Maybe the problem before was that I did make him the center of my universe and he knew that. Now he’s worried that he might loose me if he doesn’t change his situation.
Having all these emotions is killing me! I want to be strong even if it’s only an outward appearance but inside my heart aches for him and melts at the sound of his voice. Please help! I’m more confused than ever!
Is this the right thing to do or am I just setting myself up for more heartache?
Oh! By the way, Feb 12th was not the last time I’ve been on the site…Reading your posts is what helped me stay strong for a month!
Thank you!
Hi all,
I’m fine, thank you very much for asking Voice. Our relationship is just not the same anymore. I’m trying my best to make him happy.
Hi Princess Lost
Seems like your tactics have worked so far. You’ve shown that you do have a life after him (of course never letting on how much you’re missing him)and it has spurred him to take action!
I think that being strong (or at least showing that we are strong) is the main requirement for making a change take place. I myself just today told told my MM that even though I am not witholding sex by using it as an ultimatim to make him take action, I’ve made it clear that he should not even think of getting too comfortable and complacent about the fact that we meet up and spend time together and that at some point I will decide whether to continue the relationship as it is till he does something about it soon or I walk away whenever I see fit. All this came about because yesterday he called me asking to meet as we hadn’t seen each other for 5 days and he was desperate to see me. Of course we had a wonderful time together, but I’ve made it clear that this is certainly not going to be a long-term situation. So yes, I would say to you stick around and see what happens, but set yourself a reasonable target date to get out and try to stick to it if you feel that things are dragging on, although I must say I think it must have taken your MM a lot of courage to face his father-in-law and know that he will probably even have to find a new job, so he seems pretty serious about changing his life to be with you. And remember, once the ball starts rolling it will keep on…so take it day by day for now and see what happens next. Good luck!
Princess Lost,
If he is doing his best to get out of his marriage for you because thats what he has decided he wants then ok, but keep doing what you’re doing aswell. Keep your life full with other things. Don’t wait around for him, just in case he isn’t making his best efforts for you…….The cynic in me wonders if his way of doing things to get out of his marriage may become his excuse to not leave, if you get my meaning.
Rachel,
Glad you’re ok, just thought your post was a bit short, so thought I’d ask. As for trying to make him happy, don’t be the one putting in all the effort when he is all over the place with the way he acts.
Take Care
Well just a quick post for a few days. I am off in 2 days for 4 days of bliss with my man … yes, my man, even though I am the OW … I just wish I could wave the magic wand & make everyone on here have everything they want & desire to come true. Unfortunately the ” magic wand ” doesn’t exist.
Hope all have some happiness & peace of mind … take care & catch you all again soon. Look out Gold Coast here we come !!
Gia xx
This was a interesting article I read today, a bit lengthy but good. Read it if you have the time… Hope you are doing well ladies.
http://men.msn.com/articlebl.aspx?cp-documentid=4096355&page=1>1=9212&su=hotmail.com/cgi-bin/hmhome&wa=wsignin1.0
The cynic in me thinks the same thing…How do I know that he did talk to his father-in-law? I DON’T! All I have to go by is what he tells me and I have no way of checking on it.
He hasn’t lied to me…things that he told me, that I had doubt about, his wife confirmed (when she called to confront me) through coaxing on my part. I had to know!
He has been looking for work else where and has a couple of offers on the table so it’s plausible that he is telling the truth but again all I have is his word and I don’t know that it’s enough right now.
I’m going to give it four more months and if there is no progress (moving out at least if not filing for divorce) then I’m walking and hoping to not look back. Maybe if I tell you all my time frame it will keep me accountable.
Thanks for listening! I would have NEVER made it this far without this site and all of your postings.
Hi Ladies,
Havent posted for a while but have been reading your comments. Has anyone heard from Mary M I am interested to know how things are going?
I am proud to say that I have quit my job and in 3 days will never see my MM again.
Its very hard as I love him, but he cant give me what I want, and I deserve better.
Voice, thankyou for the advice about not hurting my fiance again. My mother died last week and it put everything in perspective. It wasn’t MM that was consoling me at 2am it wasnt MM flying to a different country with me and it wasn’t MM being a pallbearer at my mothers funeral. It was my fiance.
I will keep reading and see how you all get on, you all take care.
I am the other woman. He isn’t married. He is engaged. He has been with his finace’ for eight years. He just recently for the first time told her he loved her…Well he told her back in September so right before he met me. He has told me a million times that the only reason he is marring her is because they have a child together. There girl is 5. He has told me and several people he feel trapped in his relationship with her. Why would he stay with her then? Well he stayed in Pa while she moved to Ohio for school. His job was here and until he could find a job he wasn’t moving back. I work with him…or well did..He just moved back with her on the 24th of this month. It sucks! we had lived together from January 2nd till March 24th. He says he wants to be with me, I know he loves me and I love him, but he says he cant leave her because of his daughter..why would he sacrifice his own happiness? I hate his fiance’ I have met her several time. She is very mean to him. she belittles him and tell him he is no good, when in reality he is one of the greatest people i know. I just wish he would analize his situation a little more and realize it is not worth being unhappy for the rest of his life to marry her. So He just moved back with her as a job “fell†into his lap. It honestly just came out of nowhere. and It has been 3 days and in those 3 days I have talked to him for 30 min’s at the most. How can I go from being with him 24/7 and talking to him 24/7 to basically not talking at all. I need him I want him and I don’t know what to do
My husband slept with another woman for four years. She came onto him. She knew about me and our two kids. She has destroyed my life. I am a wreck – my business has sufferred and we are in debt. My eldest daughter is in a mental health unit because of it. Affairs destroy lives – that’s reality. Just don’t do it. Apparently she ‘loved him’. He didn’t love her, he loves me. His life is wrecked too. So if she loved him so much why did she want to destroy him? She is free to get on with her life now, we are left picking up the pieces. If I could kill her and get away with it I would. If she had physically attacked me I could do something about it but I am helpless to do anything. Ok, we were having some problems in our marriage. My husband is to blame too but what man is gonna turn down sex when its offerred too him freely – no pressure, no ties, no questions asked. If she really loved him she would have told him to go home, sort out his problems and go back to her if that is what he really wanted. She preferred to be available 24/7 whenever he felt the urge. Is it worth destroying lives? Just be upfront and honest and get the man to do the same. If he has problems he has to get them sorted first and then if the marriage is over he’s all yours 99% of the time he won’t be.
I have read all of the posts here and although there is a common thread in all of your stories, and i know every woman thinks hers is “different”, i have not heard anything like mine at all here. After 27 years of marriage, and being together 32 years total, i decided to end my marriage to a misogynist. i had taken several years of physical abuse and endured mental and emotional abuse the entire time and finally got treatment for codependency. I went into counseling and was working toward leaving him when i happened to see a familiar name on a classmate reunion site, it was the last guy i dated before my husband- i was 16 and he was 21. It’s a long story why i broke up with him- there were problems in my family and he was out at college and i needed him here, so i ended up with someone who i thought understood me and loved me.
Anyway, about 3 months after i had started making preparations to get out of my marriage my old boyfriend emailed me out of the blue. We started talking and within 2 days realized that we were soulmates. he was very up front with me about his marriage and his family, and it wasn’t going to be anything more than friendship. I told him where i was and he said i could come to him about anything. We kept emailing and found out that we are almost exactly alike- we even joke about being twins- we think alike, even in 2 languages, have the same tastes, interests, and sex drive. 9 days after our first contact he was coming to town to visit his father and we arranged to meet at my job- just for a walk at lunch. the weather was overcast that day and started to rain lightly, so we went to a nearby camp he used to go to and walked to a shelter. We started kissing and it was like 32 years just melted away. we ended up having oral sex underneath a picnic table and were in love instantly. this was almost a year ago. a month and a half later i left my husband and spent the weekend with my MM. a week later he decided to tell his wife- we were already making plans to get an apartment together- and he figured she would throw him out. Well, she got hysterical on him and threw the kids at him and made him feel very guilty so he decided to try to reconcile with her. But at the same time he still wanted to be friends with me and continue to chat each night. We did that for about 3 weeks and things started to heat up again, We didn’t see each other but we were doing cybersex and he told me he wanted to see me again. i told him to think about what he wanted and take a month or 2 to make a decision. instead he decides July 4th to tell her he wants to see me. They had an awful fight again and he decided to reconcile again. But he promised me he would be there for me-i was alone and trying to deal with my husband violating the pfa i got because he was violent. So we continued to chat. He told me from the beginning how much he loves me and said that would never change- he just couldn’t break up the family. After 3 more weeks he said it just wasn’t working out- he was trying to make her into me and it wasn’t working. I had to go on a day trip to hear where he lives and he met me in NYC- only for 90 min- but we kissed the whole time. that was the beginning of August and we hadn’t seen each other since the end of May. We continued to chat every night- his wife knew he was on with me and that was our time. She started giving him a hard time about it and on the 31st she started a fight. He went upstairs to talk to her and the next morning told me that she agreed to a divorce but wanted him to stay in the house until his 2 college-age kids were done with college, about 2 more years. She heard about kids that age being traumatized by their parents splitting up and wanted to wait. But she accepted that he was in love with me and that we could see each other openly while he lived at home. So we have been seeing each other about every 2 weeks- sometimes she knows he is coming to see me, other times we meet near where he works and she doesn’t know he is taking a half day. A month ago she wanted to see his family here and they both came down and she told him to go see me. He originally told me he would leave after the kids are gone. Then we went to North Carolina together for a bike trip and he was homesick. The next time he cam to visit he said he doesn’t know if he can leave- that she never did anything to hurt him and she depends on him. But then over the holidays i was helping him with some problems his kids were having and we started connecting on an even deeper level than we were before- he started telling me he loves me forever and has been even more romantic than he was before. He keeps waffling though- telling me he wants me to move near him and he will see me every day. He is retiring in a year and doesn’t want to be in the house alone with his wife, but doesn’t see any way out of the marriage unless she would initiate it. i know he is trying to push the envelope so she will make him leave, but it could be a long time. I am looking for another job as i have to pay my husband alimony and i have to sell the house anyway, so i have agreed to move near him since there are an abundance of good jobs there and it is still within driving distance of my family (3 hours). I warned him that i will not be invisible and i will not keep my mouth shut once i am there. The apartments he recommended are 5 blocks away from his house. We both enjoy riding bicycle and we would be riding together after work. He also said he would come over to visit me at my apartment. I am trying to be realistic about the whole thing- i need to get away from my husband and sell the house as part of the divorce settlement, and i need another good job, so i am moving there for myself as much as for him. But it will be very hard to be that close to him and not be with him and i have told him that. I know i should give him a deadline and that it’s not a good idea to move because of him but if i don’t take the chance i will never know if we could make it and i don’t want to lose him a second time. I have never felt this loved in my entire life- he loves everything about me- he is my intellectual equal, we share the same values, we have the same cultural background, and he loves my body (i am overweight). He makes me feel sexy and loved. He even sounds like my father when he talks- a trait i didn’t appreciate at 16, but i do now. I have never been so happy in my entire life as what he has made me in the last year. We are non-confrontational people so i know how he feels about his marriage- he would like to leave but doesn’t want to alienate his kids. I am going to give him until the kids are out of college- the original time frame his wife agreed on- and give him an ultimatum at that time. I am hoping that he will gradually see me more once i am there and she will throw him out. I have asked him about his kids finding out or someone he knows seeing us together and he said he will deal with that when it happens. But he promised me that he will always be there for me. But every so often he says he feels guilty that we are together, that he is holding be back from finding someone who can be with me all the time. I told him that i love him and would not think of looking for anyone else. From what he tells me he has no intimacy with his wife at all- they hardly even talk, but they do go to church. She has her own life and activities and he rides bike. But he does get an ego trip from having 2 women and he told me that she is scared of me and is afraid that he will leave. She knows we are imtimate and that he loves me- he tells her that. I just don’t know what to make of all this- if i should move or just give up on him. But this does seem like a different slant on things- the only reason we got together is because of our history- neither one of us ever even thought of cheating on our spouses before. And the first time we spent in a hotel together it took three hours before he stopped shaking. I believe everything he has told me- all his friends know about us, and we are going on another bike trip with his best friend in July. Should i give him another year?
On The Fence,
Sorry but I don’t think the guy is ever gonna leave, as you said huge ego trip knowing he’s got two women willing to share him. What possible reason would he have for changing such a sweet set up???? The one main thing I wonder is if he was openly allowed to see you, then why was he still taking half days without his wife knowing??? surely it wouldn’t matter if she knew all about you??
The situation is very unusual in as much as I don’t know anyone else who would put up with it. I’m not saying that he isn’t being genuine with the things he says to you, I firmly believe it is possible to be split between two people, but when you break it down, he is not leaving cos of the kids and the guilt he occasionally feels. If I’m honest I think unless something severe happens, i.e. the wife kicking him out, then in a years time I think you’ll be more or less where you are now.
Take Care
Hi ladies, I thought I would check in and put in a comment. I’m delighted that you have all bonded and provide a great support to each other. I read every single comment each day and I really do hope that whatever happens that you all find peace and happiness within yourselves and your lives. Whilst I haven’t been with a married man, I have been The Other Woman, so trust me when I say that I know how many of you feel.
Nobody can tell you what you should or shouldn’t do because when you make a decision to walk away, you need to be behind your decision otherwise you will falter. The biggest lessons that I learnt was that to be in the situation I was in, I couldn’t have been very happy and that I should also place myself first and never be around anybody that wasn’t capable of doing that. What was even more shocking was that when I did walk away and stay away, much as it hurt at first, I realised that I was actually overall happier on my own than with him. These men are selfish and they are reaping the benefit of you making them the centre of your universes, which is more than they deserve.
I do correspond with a lot of readers by email so if anyone has any specific queries, please let me know.
Kind regards and thank you to you all for your continued support
NML x {{{{hugs all round}}}}
On The Fence,
I don’t know about this one. But you should set your own time-frame & see how it goes. Only you know what you want to do & when you will do it.
The part about the apartments would set alarm bells ringing in my head. I would not like to be that close to the former marital home. But that’s just my opinion. Hope it all works out for you.
Gia
How was the gold coast, did you have a good time?
Gia:
I am from the Gold Coast so I hope that you had a wonderful time!!!!!
Well ladies, I am ashamed to admit that I only posted two days ago that I was moving on…. and now I have fallen off the wagon again.
I do finish work in two days though, so have decided to make the most of my time with him and then move on. He is making it very hard for me to resist. I think quitting has made him realise how much he is going to miss me.
However I know that it hasnt made him fall completely in love with me and leave his wife… so I am not completely stupid.
Still havent seen any posts from Mary M. If you are still reading let us know how you are getting on!
Take care, and thanks everyone for being here.
MMimB
I guess the best thing to do here is to treat this as a fond farewell and enjoy the time you have left. Will you not see him anymore at all when you leave your job???
Don’t know about Mary M, I hope her lack of posting means things are going well for her. The same I hope is also the case for Mary L too. Would be nice to know how they are though……
Take Care Everyone.
I thought I’d say hi to you all.,,
I read your posts almost everyday.
Update: I’ve been doing pretty well and quite happy with how things are between me and my mm.
We are back to where we started..this time I will control my emotions.
Take care
thanks for the words of support and the advice! I am glad there is a forum for me to ask for help and you all are so kind. I don’t know where we willgo with this but i will keep you all posted.
Thanks again!
As many of the other stories above, I am in a screwed up position as well…I am currently seeing a married man with 2 young children. I never wanted to be in this position because I already knew how much it was going to hurt. I held my ground and said no for a period of about 6 months before I finally caved to spending more time with him. Finally, I was curious (killed cats in the past right?) and started spending more time with him. And unfortunately because of his personality and good looks I’m now head over heels. He never really mentions his married life, his kids yes, but tried to leave the drama out of it. But there were several times where I realized he’s been very unhappy for a very long time. They had separated once before and here we are. She spends his money, handles the finanaces, forgets to pay the bills and comes close to creating financial havoc in their lives (aka…losing the roof over your head). It’s to the point now where she knows and he’s faced with working things out with her which he’s said he doesn’t want to do because it’s the same dead end road. There was the idea of giving it time to work things out and if it was meant to be it would be…is there any sense in sticking around??? I’m a pretty strong independent young lady and I don’t need something like this destroying me…I’ve had eating disorder problems before and they’re beginning to rear their ugly little head with all the stress thats been going on. Please help…
Babygirl,
Get on with your life, as you said if it is meant to be it will happen, but don’t stick around if the stress is going to make you ill. Nothing is worth that. I don’t think it’s fair that you should be stuck in limbo while he sorts things out.
Take care
Let me ask yall a question, do yall think we provide these men a sweet escapade from mistreatment by their wives? In my case i think my man is being mistreated emotionally and maybe even physically ( imean we do not know what happenes behind closed doors) so he turns to me to show him the love he desires. I kind of feel sorry for him at the same time mad that i am only his escapade. But if you think about it, they cant lets us go because we are the dream woman they desire as we do not get to see his ugly side and whatever else comes with his package. so we basically just show them all the love and care they need so desperately.
When i look back into our r/shp i remember that he hated arguing with me and begged me not to. He would remind me how sweet and loving i am to him and the way he loves that about me and wishes i would stay like that forever, he would literally beg me not to get in a fight with him( i dont know if that happens with yall); and also he always used to mention how much he just wanted us to go for a vacation with no drama. If im not giving him the drama then who is? The girlfriend or wife ofcourse ( on top of all the other stress like work and kids….
So now that i have made this discovery, i wonder, is it ok then to stick around and continue to be this mans sweet escapade, or should i bounce because i am nobody’s therapist?? I love him so much though and i want to take care of him. And come to think about it men are truly like babies, they need that emotional attachment (even though they try to be macho and have male egos… BS!) that mothers give their newborn babies and we OW’s provide exactly that, not their wives. So someone tell me, what do you think about my theory? its a good topic of debate… Voice what do u think?
SH,
Your post made me think of a quote from a film I once watched…. It went something like, “there are woman you marry, and women you f*ck, and never the twain shall meet”
I think that quote and your theory are spot on. I believe that for the most part guys that cheat on their wives, are looking for something that is missing from the marriage. I’m sure there are also MM’s out there that cheat for the simple reason that they can, and before anyone shouts at me I’m not justifying extra-marital activities. I just think that there is always a reason behind it.
As far as my situation goes, I am definitely an escapade for my guy. He is a very sexual person and enjoys the feeling of being close to someone. He’s attractive and has a good body for his age. But since his wife went through the menopause, she decided that she and they no longer need sex in their relationship. He agreed because he loves her and would never want her to do anything she didn’t want to. But her idea of them spending intimate time together is going for a walk in a park or something similar they can do together as a couple….. sorry but yawn, so what are you left with???? A man and a woman who maybe love and live with each other, but are distanced by lack of intimacy and to a degree have separate lives. I on the other hand think sex is a hugely important part of a relationship, My marriage ended because my ex husband spent a lot of time on his own(I travel lots for work)and he just wasn’t getting the attention he deserved from me, so he sought it elsewhere.
Other women are a means of escapism as well in as much that we’re not the ones who do the washing, cooking, cleaning, and mopping up after the kids and are looking frazzled at the end of the day…it’s not a good look. Also many men are far more sensitive than they let on but they do like to be looked after,almost mothered if you like and years ago it was the wives job to please the man, ie by having a meal on the table when they come home and affording their husbands the intimacy. Not very politically correct I know, but it’s how it was.
Guys hide behind their egos because they are expected to I think, but at the end of the day whether you’re a guy or a girl, we all want the same thing when it comes to being loved.
I think if you can define your role as the other woman and know the purpose you serve to your MM then it can work well. Like me…I know my guy won’t leave her. He sees me for company and sex. he said recently that he’s fallen for me, but I know he won’t act on it. I can’t ask him for anything because he was never mine to begin with. Although I love him dearly, I look at what we have as an arrangement rather than a relationship. Once you start to think of your MM as your boyfriend, then the problems begin, because it’s asking him to fulfil a role that he was never able to take on in the first place.
I wonder if maybe your guys comment about a holiday with no drama, is it more possible that he meant a holiday with none of the day to day drudgery that is so familiar??? getting stuck in a routine must be so depressing, and he’s looking for a break from that????
As for whether or not you should stick around, well thats your call. If you’ve got the stomach for it, then enjoy. if not get on with your life, because realistically affairs don’t usually end well for the other woman. the fact is guys don’t usually leave, even if they get found out, they’ll still think the decent think to do is to stay and try again…… especially if there are children involved.
Take Care.
Just found this site a couple of days ago. I’ve known my MM for about four years (involved for three), and boy do I feel like an idiot after reading everyone’s stories. I really felt like my situation was unique, but I can tell that it is not.
MM and I were together off and on for about two years (we met through work). It was hard enough seeing him every day, knowing we could never together. About a year ago we both moved to different cities because of the job. He waited until the night before he leaves town to finally tell me that he loves me. I had been waiting to hear that for two years and he gives it to me as I am preparing to put the whole relationship behind me. I think he waited until then so he wouldn’t have to deal with the aftermath.
Now that we are living half a country apart, he talks to me way more than he ever did when we saw each other every day. We’ve seen each other a few times due to work related conferences, other than that we talk and email every day (except for the weekends, of course)!
He says he wishes we could be together, but that we can’t (getting a dovorce would disappoint his family, he doesn’t want to hurt his wife…)
He and his wife can’t have children, and he wants kids so badly they are going to try to adopt soon. I get the impression that she could take it or leave it when it comes to having kids. I am a single mom, I know how hard it is to raise a child, so I think it would be stupid to willfully accept a child when you are not happy with the marriage. While that decision is none of my business, when he told me I tried to break it off, I know if he couldn’t get a divorce when there is no child, there is no way it will happen once he’s a parent.
Every time I try to break away he hounds me until it gets to the point I miss him so much I’ll take anything I can get from him. He knows he is being selfish, wanting to keep me in his life when he knows I am hurting because we can’t be together.
Sorry for sounding so disjointed, I am just very confused. We are not just lovers, we are each others’ best friend. My friends tell me I’m stupid, that being involved with him, communicating with him fills in the gaps in his marriage and makes it possible for him to not want or need to change anything in his life. That I should leave him alone, only then will he be forced to decide if he really wants to live the rest of his life in this marriage.
He has told me that he is just not “unhappy” enough to get a divorce. He’s not unhappy enough to end it.
Are my friends right? He fights me every time I want to create some distance between us. Makes it very hard to actually follow through with it!
I mean, he has always told me he CANNOT, and more to the point WILL NOT get a divorce. I really feel like he is the one I have been waiting for. Should I just accept the situation as it is, or should I cut him totally out of my life and deal with the fact that its my decision that we aren’t in contact everytime I find myself missing him.
Thanks for listening to me vent.
Becca,
Listen to your friends, they are giving you sound advice.
Also unless you have the ability to share him, your last paragraph tells you everything. He will not get a divorce. He has no reason to change anything. If you find the situation too hurtful, then move on and make the break, and yes he will make it difficult for you to do that, cos he knows what he is going to lose if you walk away from him.
Take Care
I have been the other woman for three years. I was also married in the beginning and my marriage broke up two years ago. We have been deepiy in the love stage for about two years. In july his wife found out by checking text on his phone also he was being super careless. In sept i broke it off just couldnt take the rollercoaster of his unfufilled promises etc started dating a nice guy in dec he moved out got his own apt came to me and begged me to giveus a real chance to be a real couple. Reluctantly i did. Well he has broken my heart again. Is going home because his 6 year old is very sad etc. He promised me the world, marraige all of it. And now i have nothing but pain and sorrow. I am a mess and dont knoow how to cope with the loss of having everything i wanted in front of me and just ripped away.
If i could tell anyone anything its dont let someone do this to you. If he has reservations about leaving for any reason then dont let his promises of better days ahead fool you. It is the worst pain i have ever expected and so humiliating
Thanks, Voice. Like you said, my own words were pretty much telling me how the situation is and what I need to do. Hearing it from an unbiased person really put the writing on the wall for me.
Thanks again, and you take care of yourself as well.
The support everyone shows on this site is great and is exactly what we need in this often isolating situation we find ourselves in. Good luck ladies, I wish you all happiness.
I am going on day two of no contact. He tried to call me six times yesterday and I didnt answer. I wrote in lipstick on my mirror ” you will be OK”. I thought that he and I were going to beat the stastics when he left his wife but now he is gong the reconciation route. I know I can do this, it hurts so bad, like a huge piece of me is missing. An email he sent me thus said that he knew he pulled away and he came to realize he loved me even more as he did and that we could make and have a great life together but the guilt was too much and was going to go home to make kids happy
i never thought i would be back here. i had 2 months with him. everything was wonderful between us. we had an actual relationship. together all the time, going out to dinner, sleeping in the same bed 5 nights a week. he talked about divorcing her and said that he hadn’t been in love with her way before he ever met me. we worked together and it even got to the point where everyone knew we were a couple whether they approved or not and we had no problem going to and leaving work together. i know that he was telling her that it was over all along and i know that she believed that it was because i saw his text messages to her and i saw her mypace which made me feel guilty and refreshed because it was all about how it was over and she even changed her status to single for 2 months!!!!
everything changed over night. last sunday we were together all day like always but then i had work, he didn’t. i left and everything was normal. that day i even mentioned how fast we were moving and he said that he loved every second and didn’t want to slow down. anyway for some reason even though he was normal and even though he sent his normal goodnight text message i couldn’t shake this bad feeling i had. when i left work that night at 330am i checked her myspace and then i knew… her quote went from “you completely destroyed me” to “love conquers all” and her status was married again. the next day he told me that he thought he should give it one more chance. that he felt like a failure that after only 6months of marraige it was over. he said he really cared about me and that he never wanted to hurt me. i just don’t understand how a person can change over night.
i went to his house the next day and got some things that i left there and he was following me around saying he was sorry but i just walked right past him. i called him a liar and told him that i was done and i never wanted to see him again. then i left he followed me and stood in the rain while i drove away. i soon as i turned the corner i was hysterical.
he tries to contact me everyday and i try not to respond but its hard because i miss him. he stopped working at the bar. i am so hurt and ashamed. how could i haev thought that this would be different. i went through so much to be with him and it only lasted 2 months!
Mary M,
I’m sorry, the guy is a total tosser. get the hell away from him. Anyone who cant hurt you that much just isn’t worth your time and energy.
Again I’m so sorry, I thought cos we’d not heard from you it was going well.
Did you find out through her myspace???, if you did then the guy is a total coward to boot. If thats how you found out, then he should of told her to not post until he had chance to tell you first.
Take care of yourself, we’ll be here for you.
Mary M,
You probably guessed but there shouldn’t be a t on can….. 🙂
Also I don’t know how someone can change overnight, is it possible someone said something to him????
Mary I can relate to your feelings the man i was seeing was the OW with left moved out in dec at that point he and i werent seeing each other because i just had to srop the rollercoaster. Anyways he got an apartment, begged me to give us a real chance to be a real couple to make our love count. So I did. And things started getiing somewhat weird a few weeks ago. Him feeling guilty about his son etc her constantly texting him calling him emailing him they had mediation for the upcoming divorce and low and behold he is going back “for the kids”. I am so hurt, lost and humiliated. I changed my cell phone number on thus night and he tried to call my house 6 times from work yesterday and i didnt answer my mailbox is full so he couldnt leave a message. But I know he must have gone home because he never called last night from his cell etc I am so lost am not sure how to do this to get over him. I know if I let him back in he will just continue to destroy me.
I was feeling okay this morning, strong even. But it’s a Sunday and it’s raining and I miss him.
Today is my 5th day of no contact.
Help me be strong. I don’t want to go running back to him. I don’t want to pick up the phone.
How do I get beyond the day??
Hi Joanne,
Just try and keep yourself as busy as possible, do you have friends you can visit??? or rearrange your wardrobes, maybe something like that. Anything to keep your mind occupied.
Take Care.
Thank you, Voice of Reason.
I watched TV. It helped take my mind off him as I watched the clock and I count the hours till the end of the day.
I just have to make it through today without calling him. That’s all I have to do each day.
So far, I’m on track.
Oh Mary M!!
I have been wondering about you so much. I cant believe that this has happened to you, and as much as we can all say he’s not worth it, it doesnt stop you from hurting does it. I just hope that you know we are all here for you should you need us.
I finished my job this week. It was the best job I have ever had and walking away was hard but walking away from MM was harder, as it will now be very hard for us to keep in contact.
So far not so good though. Email and a few texts yesterday. Im just not quite ready to go cold turkey even though I know there is no future there for us. I just cant give him up.
There is nothing sexual happening between us anymore anyway, more like a friendship. Although thats not healthy for me either as I want so much more than that. I would have followed this man anywhere….
I think once I get a new job (fingers crossed ladies, I have a huge interview tomorrow) it will be easier to move on, but right now I have a lot of time on my hands to sit around and think about him, and ways I can get in contact with him!!!
You all know how it goes….Joanne, I too have been watching a lot of TV!!! And I will try and make it one day at a time too…
Anyway You all take care.
I woke up this morning and drove by his house. He got an apartment in dec but told me on thus he might go home for his son or that he pretty much was. His car was there. I havent spoken to him since Thursday (he tried calling me six times on friday, i didnt answer). I feel sad but I know that this triangle will never end unless i end it. Been trying to say busy I am going to go see my parents today with my sons since i wont have them next weekend for Easter. Wednesdays he and i usually spent together and then next weekend i wont have my kids either I am dreading it.
Weekends are definitely the hardest huh?? It’s been a while since I posted here and things are still the same with me.
I still see my MM whenever possible, he still keeps saying he wants out, he’s asking me to be patient and telling me we will be together soon. And I’m still determined to stick to my personal cutoff date in a few months’ time if nothing happens.
I’ve talked over this situation with one of my best friends who was in the same predicament I am now. A few years ago she had an affair with an MM which went on for a year. They were totally in love and met almost every day since they worked together too, but he had a daughter and kept putting off leaving his wife for various reasons. One fine day she realised that he wasn’t going to make a move anytime soon and decided to break off the affair and start living her life for herself again. She started going out and having fun and meeting new people whilst he was going crazy seeing this happen, and yet still didn’t leave his wife. She met and married a wonderful guy just a few months ago and recently met up with her MM, who has since left his wife and dealt with all his issues and is now living the single life. He has told her that his biggest regret in life is not leaving his wife sooner, thus losing one of the most important people ever to enter his life. But he has told her that he admired her self-respect and determination to carry on with her life and how it gave him the courage to make his own move, although too late to have her as a part of his life.
So I suppose we, as TOW, sometimes do come across as the stronger person in a relationship with an MM, if we hold onto our own self-esteem and worth and not settle for less than what we deserve. Just wanted to share that with you all…
xx
Hi Voice of Reason … yes thanks I had a great time … 4 days of bliss, only one demanding call from her & he just said no, do it yourself. I do not tell him what to say & made that clear from the start that I would not comment or make judgements on her & he appreciates that. He does appreciate the fact that I do listen .. sometimes with her screaming down the phone, I have no choice but to hear what she is saying, so I just go out of the room & say if you need me just come & get me.
But we had a great time & have already booked for May, June, September & December for quiet time … but we are with each other every week. It’s all good. He was ready to make an announcement at the party on Saturday night but I actually said no, not to say it til all is resolved. I am a strong other woman & I have said before that I will not move there until his youngest is finished school. We are still as strong as ever & his boys come first & I have told him that. We are adults & can deal with whatever she throws at us but I will not have the boys upset.
Next weekend we have the weekend to ourselves & it’s just bliss.
Thanks once again V O R.
Take care.
Hi MMismyboss,
Are you from the Gold Coast in Australia ??
I wish you well & hope that all works out for you.
Gia.
Thanks. I know that when he left I really believed in all he told me. And now I am in worse shape than I was before. Because when he came to me dec after he moved out i was in no contact with him and was dating a nice guy and getting on with my life. I cant say I regret the past few months because if I hadnt given him that chance I think I wouldve always wondered if we wouldve made it and worked out.
But I know now that he is indeed back at home. And, I can no longer have any more false hope.
I told him when he came to me in dec to get his divoce then we could see where things went and he would have none of it because he had to be with me etc. I think if he wouldve listened to me if I wouldve stood my ground maybe the odds would have been more in our favor. But I can no longer think what if i have to say what is.
So Hurt & Mary M … so glad to see you back here … I think we are an escapade for our MM’s but different types of escapades we all are. Depends on the situation we are all dealing with.
I treat my MM as I would if we were totally together & nothing would ever change. We have never had a cross word, he has known me since we were young & I have never changed they way I am & he knows that & we are just like we were together years ago. Sure I spoil him & him me but there is no hidden agenda & he knows that when we are finally living together full-time that I will still treat him with the same love that I do now … I have, do & always will adore him.
I’m so sorry Mary that things are hitting one of life’s curve balls for you at the moment. I hope things work out for you. Take care all.
Gia xx
mm,
i hope all goes well on the interview. good going for getting out of there. i’m sure that was hard but the right thing. you don’t have to go cold turkey if you don’t want to but i think it makes it so much harder.
this has been nothing but a roller coaster for me. yesterday he called me and i didn’t pick up so he IMed me and it said:
” i made a huge mistake”. my heart dropped when i read it but i didn’t respond at first.
then he said: “the only time i have been happy in 8months is when i was with you” so then i told him that that couldn’t be true or he wouldn’t have thrown it out over night. he said that he was embarrassed that his marriage failed after only 6months and that he thought he could get the feelings he used to have for her back.
i told him that it was too broken for me and that i could never trust him again. he promised that he could make it up to me. and i told him there was nothing he could do.
i don’t even know if i mean that. i just don’t even trust what he is saying now. i wonder if he just wants to know that he can have me back but then not actually get back with me. the whole thing is just so crazy because he really did change his mind over night. i don’t think that he always thinks things through and something like this should be thought about extensively. its like he thinks that saying sorry will mend everything and it will take so much more than that for me. he said that he knew it would take work and that he was willing to do anything for me. i just don’t know if there is anything left now. i love him and i don’t want anyone else, but i don’t think i could go through the pain and embarrassment of this again. also i think he is coming back to work at the bar. that will be really hard!!!
To Better Days Ahead,
I am not generalising evry MM but sometimes the children are used as pawns by the wife/partner & at the end of the day, any man worth his salt will choose to care about the impact on the children. It is so sad when the children are used as pawns as it must be a tense & roller-coaster ride for them. I think that really at the end of the day that the children’s well-being comes first but sometimes it is better for all ties to be cut from the pawn game & threats that they will never see the kids again. If someone has to rely on that emotional blackmail … well that speaks volumes as to how sad the marriage is.
Gia xx
Night all .. I am off to bed & then up for work in a few hours. Hope all have a good day.
Gia xx
voice,
i found out from myspace, but i don’t think he knew that she would change it that fast and he did call me in the morning to tell me. i don’t think he would figure i would come home from work at 3am and go to her myspace. i don’t even know why i did it. i guess woman’s intuition.
i was so happy and so was he. i never had chemistry with someone like this before. i just wish he didn’t do this. he knew he didn’t want to be with her and so did i so why did he have to go back for such a short time and ruin everything we had together??
Mary M,
I would wonder about his respect for you, as you say if he can throw everything away overnight….
It’s not fair of him to mess you about like this. He needs to work out in his head what it is he wants, before getting involved again with anyone. He cannot expect you to be there waiting while he chooses what he wants. As you say trust has to be a big issue here, after all you left for work thinking all was ok, when something was going on in his head and he must of been talking to his wife without your knowledge.
Take Care
voice,
honestly i don’t think he was talking to her until that night. he said that they had a 3 hour conversation that night that made him want to give her another chance. she said that she could change and go back to the way things were. the one thing i have to say for him is that he has never lied to me. i know because i check her myspace and the couple times i have talked to her everything has matched up. today i checked her myspace and her status says single again and she has some quotes about it being over forever adn how she wishes she never met him. it should just be over for me though right?
Mary M,
I just think you’d find it hard to trust him now?
I still think he needs to figure out what he wants, without any women in his life.
Take Care
Gia: I am from the Gold Coast Australia. I hope you enjoyed your time in my home town!
Mary M: I don’t think it necessarily means its over with you and your MM, although not an MM at the moment. But I agree with Voice, perhaps he needs some time on his own… However hard that may be for you.
My interview is in 3 hours. Its a great job, better hours and better money. The only thing missing will be MM. I definitely think that once I am working again I will move on and forget about him. As most of you know I am involved with someone else, so I also have to move on for his sake.
MM told me when I left work that day, that we had caused each other nothing but heartache, and that we were never meant to be, but that he wouldnt have changed anything and doesn’t regret a thing…… He was telling me it was over I think…. lbut then emails and texts the next day.
Why do these men have to confuse us so much. I am bright and attractive and kind and honest and he is so supid for not realising what agreat thing he had… and yet I still allow him to have this hold over me.
I think I am rambling now, best go prepare for my interview. Fingers crossed!!
Good luck with the interview.
I don’t know why they confuse us, it doesn’t happen to me very often, but when my MM confuses me he does it good style. I know he doesn’t mean to. For example he might say that something i’m doing(ie going out with other guy mates) doesn’t bother him and that he has no hold over me etc etc, but then he might say…. I can’t share you with anyone, cos of how I feel about you and here’s the cracker… he then won’t tell me how he feels, which then leads my mind of thinking allsorts….
Again good luck… 🙂
OMG, what a site??? Thanks for this site. I felt like I was the only one in this relationship and no one could understand me. (coming from an asian culture background) If anyone finds out what I’m doing I would be disrespected by my family members.
I’m really glad that I found this site. Well, I’v been the other women for 1 yr now. First, it was just a physical thing and it turned to a serious relationship. His wife went through a menaupose and they don’t have any intimate relationship together., that’s why he sought after me. I felt sorry for him and I really wanted to help him and give him the attention he needs. And I started to fall in love with him.
I really don’t know if he loves me or not. But I do love him. But he always tells me he has never been this happy and cared before and never met a woman like me…etc. Anyways, I’m the one who wants more out of this relationship..which obviously nothing more is going to happen. I’m young,single, attractive and has MBA degree but I’m stuck in this relationship. Like today, we met and had a great time together,,,as soon as we depart I feel lonely, sad and depressed…this is the worst feeling ever.
But I don’t let him know that how I feel about him. I don’t want him see me being such a vulnerable in front of him.
There has been a times we completely acted like couples in love. But he always puts me in the place I should be…reminds me I’m the other women or mistress.
I know I deserve more than this, but I really can’t live without him. I tried to date with guys but there was no chemistry or anyconnection. He gets jealous when I go out with guys. I do like it when he is protective over me. I like to think that this is the sign that he cares for me and want just me for himself.
I feel much better after reading some posts here and leaving this comment. I found the way I can let my feelings out and not be afraid to be judged.
Thanks and take care
I TOO IS A 0W,my MM and i was a month and half together.. we been a week togethr before i knew he is married and had a child…his wife txted me…to stop seing and bothering her husband..the next day mm talked to me and explained that they were separated..but his wife still went to his house every week to get money…i learn to admit the fact…we still see each other…i shud be angry to him but i cant…i love him and he always say that he loves me too i still received bad txt frm his wife…and i feel so bad wheneever i recieve txt msges..1 tym i recievd txt saying that she set his husband free and we are free to see each other…i dnt knw wat is her intention..
right nw im so confuse.. cnt loose him…pls help me.. im 25 yrs old and a virgin..single
AnotherBlueDay:
You do realise that he’s made it very clear that you are the other woman and not anything more?
By doing so it looks like he doesn’t have any intention of ending it with his wife and going to you.
If you continue be prepared for the pain and heartache and constant guilt and wondering if he’s with her and what they’re doing ….
These feelings don’t ever go away. You don’t ever get used to being the other woman no matter how much you love him.
You might think that a little bit of him is better than a life without him. I know I did. But I couldn’t do it for long. Ultimately I wanted more (as you do).
It’s not good for your self-esteem knowing that you’re only No. 2 in his life. Just someone he goes to to fill the gaps that his wife can’t fill for him.
And that you are not important enough to him that he introduces you to all his family and friends and that he never can show the world that he loves you.
You will never feel all of that as long as you are the other woman.
Just be prepared for all of that and years of all of that. Do you really want to still be doing this 10, 20, 30 years down the road? And that’s if he doesn’t find a substitute for you when you go into menopause yourself.
Life is tough.
Anotherblueday,
I totally agree with Joanne, everything she has said is spot on, you are never going to be more than the other woman from the seems of things. If you want more then I think you need to find someone who can offer you what you want.
BHE23,
I think you should move on, if they are separated why is the wife sending you texts to stay away. I think he is playing you.
Chalk it up as a bad experience and move on.
Take Care
Hi MMismyboss,
I hope the interview went well for you , have had my fingers crossed for you & hope you landed the job. I am very familiar with the Goldie & practically live there !! I am at Broadbeach most of the time but have friends & family all down there. I originally was going to buy a house at Kingscliffe or Kirra but came up further towards the Sunshine Coast … I regret not staying down there so much now. But it’s all good & that’s all that matters , that we are both happy.
Gia xx
Thanks Joanne and Voice of Reason.
The thing is I cannot find anyone I will like and eventually fall in love with. I don’t think I would ever love anyone else the way I love him.
Definitely, I’m not going to live like this forever. A part of me says I should end this and move on..but I cannot. I’m very happy when I’m with him and he is also very happy. We exchange so many text messages and emails throughout the day. I never get jealous over his wife. because I know they don’t have sex any more and sleeps in different bedrooms.
Maybe it’s silly but I will break up with him when I find someone like him…there should be someone who I can love and get the love I deserve. Until then, I’m going to be with him.
I will keep coming to this site…
Thanks again,,,
Anotherblueday,
I’m sure it must feel like that right now. I was absolutely devastated when my ex husband walked out on me. I thought I would never find or love anyone else like him. But believe me when I say it will get better. Make a clean break from him, change your numbers if possible so it is harder for him to contact you, cos I can pretty much guarantee he will not want to give you up easily.
But it is possible to get through this.
Take Care
ok so it is defintely over for them. i am not sure if it can be ok for me and him. he was acting crazy yesterday. begging me to give him another chance. he said he would do anything i wanted him to do. i told him that the trust was gone and i didn’t think that i could ever get it back. he was begging and pleading and i started to think about it, but then i got an email from her.
she said a lot of mean things to me and i’m sure i deserved it. she also said that they slept together when we were together. i got really uspset. i sent her a reply message telling her that i was sorry and that i wished her the best and i truely mean that. i did catch her in a lie though she said that she was at the apartment 3 nights a week after school. that is 945 at night there was never a week that i wasn’t there 3 of the nights and i always heard from him. the only night that i didn’t hear from him for a couple hours was when they went to do their taxes and that is when he said they slept together and he said that was the only time. that was only the first week that he was away from her.
i was furious and i didn’t answer his texts or phone calls. he was calling me iming and texting me over and over. saying that he was sorry that he would make it up to me. he said that he was never so happy as he was that couple months and he knew he made a mistake the first night that he tried working things out with her. he even called my friend and asked her to talk to me. he told her that he would do anything to get me back. she worked with us too and has spent a lot of time with both of us and she said that she believes him. she thinks that i should give him another shot. i just don’t know what to do. i miss him so much and i am so crazy about him but i don’t know if i should put myself through this again. i don’t think that any of my other friends would approve of me giving him another chance. am i an idiot if i even consider taking him back? he said he would do anything. he even said that he would move out of that apartment. she filed for the divorce online today. what do you think? i am so confused. we had the most amazing connection and i loved every second with him, but can we ever get back there?
Mary M,
I don’t suppose you’ll ever get back to what you had, but maybe you can work through it, thats your call. Although I have to be honest(you know me) and say I’d be very concerned that he cheated on you with her a damn sight quicker then he cheat on her with you. I know that sounds flippant and it’s not meant to be, but it’s a serious factor in your relationship. I think he is too confused to make a rational decision about who he wants to be with. I still say he needs time on his own with no romantic hassles to cloud his judgement.
Take Care
Im so hurt because he did not come see me like he alwas does. he says this the one day he can see me in a week and its something he looks forward to do. but if he canceled the plans on the day of, does it mean he really doesnt care?? i know im being a cry baby, but yall know how we are given the crumbs of their time so every precious little moment you get, you dont want to lose it. They dont see it as precious, so it doesnt really matter to them when they cancel right??
so in the end i am left to be ‘so hurt’, wishing i never agreed to meet up with him in the first place then i wouldnt be going through this pain. i know this is trivial but i cant help venting and crying. i love this site because there is no judgement being passed around. you realize i could easily vent out to my friends but i dont because all the will tell me is ‘leave the ***** alone!!!’
So Hurt,
It’s not trivial at all, I know exactly where you are coming from. I was supposed to hook up with my MM last Wednesday, but on the morning he phoned me to say the meeting that he was going to which just happened to be near to me had been cancelled and there was no way he could get away. I hated it, when I woke up in the morning thinking I’m going to see him, and then it’s taken away is just horrible. But I know my MM feels it too and he was in a cr*ppy mood even when he spoke to me later the same day, he cares, and I know for a fact when he goes home to her, he doesn’t stop thinking about me. he may have to put me to the back of his mind, but he has told me that he can’t just switch off. Anyway my point is, I don’t think my guy is unique. I’m sure your MM cares, is it maybe the fact that he had no choice but to cancel????. Sometimes we all have to choose doing what we ‘have’ to do over what we want to do. The one thing I try never to do is get my hopes up until he is actually at the door, thats when I know it’s all good.
Take Care
AnotherBlueDay:
I know what you mean. I have tried so many times to break it off with my AM. And yes, I’m still trying now.
Being apart with no contact feels painful but I’m trying to make it through. Today is the 7th day.
You do realise that as long as you love your MM you will never find anybody who is suitable or like him? Because as long as you’re looking at him with all that love … nobody else will be good enough or on par.
Mary M,
I agree with Voice of Reason. If you love someone you can always work through it. Trust can be rebuilt.
However he really does need some time on his own. I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to jump from her straight to you.
He needs time to figure out what he wants and why he cheated etc.
Give it some time apart and see if he hooks up with any other woman or goes back to her. If he does then you’d have saved yourself all that time and energy.
Having time apart will also help you to see more clearly. You might just see him in a different light.
I’m in the U.S. and I’m not sure this is going to work, so before I say too much, I just wanted to check out that this would actually post. I’ve never posted on a website before and not sure about it. I just found this site the other day and it’s been helpful to read that other women, who seem strong, also have a hard time letting go of the person they love for a better life.
Ok, I just checked and it posted.
My “story” is not unlike many of yours. I met a wonderful man at work while I was married and he was married. We had a lot in common, mainly running and just our personalities, the way we looked at life, he made me laugh, he’s all the qualities you’d look for in a friend as well as a life partner. Nothing went on between us for about 9 months, just talked mainly about work and running and then I started noticing that I was thinking about him on weekends and looking forward to seeing him on Mondays. I sort of felt he felt the same way. It continued on like that for another few months until in May of 2004 I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink after work. He emailed back that “He shouldn’t”. Then I realized that I must have “crossed the line” and felt guilty. Then he came by and said he said he shouldn’t because he thinks he has a “crush on me”. I laughed and he says that I said “You’ll get over it”. But then we had opportunities to travel together, we started having lunch together and going for great walks around the City. We could talk forever. I enjoyed our time together. He would always make me laugh. He was a great sounding board for work issues. He gave me confidence to do things at work and in my running that I didn’t have before. I felt more and more connected to him. My own marriage had been failing and I believe I had fallen out of love with my husband before I even met this other guy. Things progressed through 2004 and 2005. We had opportunities every few months to travel and could spend the night together. It was always wonderful and beautiful. I loved every minute with him. We got into all that I hear so many women saying here, the daily texting, emailing, messages, we’d talk on the phone all the way into work and all the way home and leave messages for each other over the weekends. We ran a few marathons together and races and it would be fun as we’d take turns beating eachother. This is my second marriage and my first husband was suing me for custody of my 16 year old son (that’s a whole other story) but I could not afford to be going through a divorce while the custody trial was looming over me, so while my husband knew how unhappy I was and that I was wanting to end our marriage, I could not initiate a separation until the trial was over, which it was in August 2006 and luckily everything went in my favor. My husband moved out reluctantly in September. Once I was on my own….things changed with MM. Suddenly I was alone on weekends and nights and he was home with wife. He was in therapy to try to figure out what to do. Same as I’ve heard so many stories…he didn’t feel in love with her, but has been married 30 years and has three grown boys, so was unsure if he could ever “have the conversation.” He said he tried once in August of 2006 and she “fell apart” and begged him to not leave her, etc. She has been a stay at home wife and Mom and not worked outside the home, but she seems to have a good social life, plays golf, tennis, etc. I have always worked full time and have a fulfilling career and now alone with my now 17 year old son. MM son went to Iraq in Sept. and of course, he could not talk to her until he came home. I agreed with this. Then there were the holidays, etc. and a family vacation that she had planned with other families that the whole family had already committed to, so he felt compelled to go. He said he wasn’t looking forward to it, except he’d get to play golf every day. The plan was that when his son got home from Iraq, late January, he’d either tell her and leave or he and I would be over. We did stop seeing each other as often, so as to give him time to make up his mind. It was very hard and the longest we ever went without seeing eachother was 13 days. I didn’t hear from him while he was on vacation in the Isalnds because there’s no cell phone service there (I know this is true because I checked!) When he came home the plan was that we would not talk until he could make up his mind. We literally ran into eachother in the parking garage at work on Friday night Feb. 2 and literaly cried in each other’s arms. We missed each other so much and were so scared about what he could or could not do. That Saturday night at midnight I got the call–he said he told her everything, all about me, that he loves me and wants to leave her. He said she left the house very upset saying she hated him, wished him dead, etc…and he wanted to be gone before she got back. He was going to their second vacation home an hour away. He’d call from the road. My heart was pounding and I sat up all night with the phone. He called again and while we were talking, she called. He hung up with me and took her call. When he called back—-it had all changed. She threw the guilt card at him—-“Aren’t you even going to try to fight for your marriage…” So, long story short. He called me Sunday morning to say he had to end our relationship, could never see me again, etc. That was two months ago.
We’ve had several emails, texts, conversation, serendipitous meetings, always hard..both shake. I usually cry. He said this is as hard on him but he feels it is what he has to do. He feels like she’s “drowing” and he’s trying to decide if he should swim to shore or save her and he can’t let her drown. He said it’s hard on her because she knows he still is in love with me and knows all about me. He said she’s obsessed with me and knows we were also very good friends. He said this is not what he wants to do but what he feels he has to do. He feels a huge sense of responsibility and obligation to her. He said once that he loved her “for being with me for 30 years.” He said he has never felt with her what he feels with me and he will be in love with me for the rest of his life. He’s very sorry for the pain he’s caused both of us. He said if he could have figured this out before, he would have…but there seemed no other way out. The few times we’ve been in touch (usually I have initiated but he is very quick to respond) he always says he loves me and is in pain about loosing me and can’t bear to hear about me moving on with my life, etc.
So, the last time we talked/saw each other was two weeks ago today. I called him from a coffee shop because I felt like I couldn’t go another minute without hearing his voice and he was actually at his office window and could look down and was watching me. He said he saw my car pull into the parking garage and knew I would be coming out. He said he answered the phone because he knew it was me calling (he could see me with the cell phone.) He did come meet me—despite it being against the rules and he said he should tell her that he wanted to see me.
So, now I am the one who is trying very very very hard to STAY AWAY. NO CALLS, NO EMAILS, NO TEXTS, etc. I did change jobs in May, thank God, so we don’t work together any more. He works two blocks away, literally a two minute walk and we park inthe same indoor parking garage. We used to park next to each other but now he has moved his car (she made him buy a new car because we had been together in his car.). SO, I don’t even know what car is his now….but know I could see him at any moment if we arrive or leave about same time. I did just make arrangements to start to park somewhere else—closer to my new job and even a little cheaper. But that doesn’t start until May 1. That will make things a little easier.
So, sorry for this long long long message, but I had to get in as much as I could so you could help me. A.) Do you think he’ll leave her? Do you think he’s just staying long enough to satisfy his guilt about trying to make it work or am I hoping for something that will never happen? How do I fall out of love with him? Someone said I should be angry and anger is the one emotion that can help you move on. But while I’m sad and disappointed and miss him every day, I’m not angry because I understand that he did what he felt he needed to do. I just know that he loved me just as much as I loved him and can’t believe he can just leave me. I know he misses me, but can he really do this? Will I never hear from him again?
So, every day I just get through—-without calling. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever gone through and I’ve been through a lot.
Help with any advice!!
Come on, ladies. We can do this. We can let them go. We can go cold turkey.
We are the stronger sex. We have babies. We endure pain. We raise the kids. We look after our aged parents. We face discrimination in our offices.
Of course we can overcome this. Of course we can do without this Lite Man. It’s not full brew man after all. 😉
Some of us have gone through divorces. Remember all the difficult things you have gone through and then tell me again you can’t do this. You can do it!!
You are stronger than you think. You can exist and happily live your life without him.
HIS WIFE txted again…she said that she is setting his husband free.We are free now to do watever we wantand she doesnt care anymore…My MM said to ignore all the txt and what important is he loves me truly…whenever i said i love you to him, his always response is He loves me more..
Hi!! Thanks for the finger crossing and good luck. Looks like I am going to get the job… am at the final stage and they have had a lot of positive things to say.
Have been in contact with MM today, I just cant stop. The first thing I want to do when I get home is tell him about my day…. I think about him far too much.
GIA I lived in Surfers for most of my 20’s, have left QLD now following my partner (no not mm,. i am attached too…) to NZ.
MARY M You are obviously completely and utterly head over heels in love with this guy With a love as strong as yours you should be able to overcome anything together. I truly believe that.
VOICE How did you get so wise?? You always have all the answers!!!
Take care ladies.
MMimB,
I wouldn’t say I was wise…….lol, but thank you for the compliment…. 🙂
I just think I’m fortunate(if you can call it that)to have experienced this situation from both sides of the coin.
I also think I understand the dynamics of an affair mainly because when mine started my MM told me exactly what my place was(very midddle ages!!!) He never promised me anything and told me he would never leave his wife. I’ve always known it and I can accept it. After all no amount of moaning at at him will change it.All it will serve to do is make me bitter and him resentful so what would be the point???. I’m just having a good time while it lasts.
Take Care
VoR,
Does this mean that you have accepted that there will never be more?
How do you get to the place where you accept that?
I tried but obviously I couldn’t do it. I always seem to want more.
Theresa,
I don’t think your guy is going to leave his wife, throughout your story there are plenty of reasons why he’s put it off, and to be honest think there will always be a reason not to leave.
You need to try and move on, you could be angry at him and I’m sure there are times you will be, but at the end of the day it takes a lot of energy to be mad at someone, better to try and put it behind you.
If he is seriously trying to get his marriage on track then you shouldn’t be in his life. It’s just not going to work with his wife if you are a contant distraction to him. He’s yet another guy that really needs to figure out what he wants from life.
Take Care
Hi VOR,
I hear exactly what you are saying. There are so many facets to being TOW. Some will be let down, some will be happy & have the whole thing come true & then some are quite happy to be mistresses … and there is nothing wrong with any of it. If someone is messing with people’s heads, playing games, not being honest, physically, verbally & emotionally abusive to their OW , well that should set alarm bells ringing straight away … no man, no matter what TOW feels for him, is worth that. It’s a sad path for TOW to walk & if it gets to that stage … just keep on walking.
But that can honestly happen in a relationship where they are not TOW. Life throws curve balls & as someone pointed out before … we can be strong & set our own path & timeline … we just have to stick to it.
I have a friend who has been a mistress for many years & is quite happy in her role & is going to always be the mistress & that suits her fine … she likes the Other Woman song by Nina Simone & says that she is there to be fresh & well groomed for her man & is quite happy with the fact that she doesn’t have to take on the full role, laundry, meals & play the wife etc. She has her head screwed on & they both know exactly what the deal is. They are terms that they agreed to mutually & that’s their call.
I think that we all ache & yearn for things to come to fruition … but that is not always going to be unfortunately. I just wish that we all could have the happiness & love that we deserve & if it’s not there, be prepared to just be ” the bit on the side ” as crude as that may sound.
And how true … why burn up energy on anger ?? TOW has to accept that she is TOW til things really do happen in the way that they want it & have to be prepare for the lonely nights, weekends, vacation times etc … sad but true.
Entering a relationship is just like the song ” Buses & Trains ” … it can be so good & it can slap you up the side of the head at times.
Again, I wish you all luck & hope that things go well for you all.
Gia xx
MM is My Boss
Good luck with the interview …have fingers crossed that you will get the job & please let us know how it goes.
I am not going to go down this Easter break but am having a great day & night with him this Thursday … and will be back there the following weekend.
I do honestly feel bad sometimes that all is going so well for my MM & I & so many others here are going through so much pain.
Gia xx
Joanne,
All I can say is, I knew what I was getting into right from the get go. So I guess I went into things knowing that I was only ever going to be the other woman, that for me is the acceptance.
I would love to have my MM in my life as a full time partner, but I know that if I asked him to leave her for me he would say no. It would also end up causing bad feeling between us I think, when there just wouldn’t need to be. We’re both happy as we are.
Take Care
Hi guys, I noted that some readers were asking for some positive stories of life going on after being TOW, so I posted my my own experience of being TOW https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/from-the-other-woman-to-happiness/
As usual I am following what is happening in the comments and know that I am thinking of you all,
NML, editor Baggage Reclaim
NML,
I read your post and it is very positive, and I really hope that it helps others who are feeling so low. I’m also glad that you are happy with your life now. Also thank you so much for this website, it’s a great place to come and chat.
Gia,
I’m very like your friend I think, I like the role I play. I am very independent, have lots of friends and interests, no children. I enjoy what I have. I’m not closed to the possibility that I may one day meet my Mr Right, but the truth is at the moment I’m just not interested in doing so. My MM also knows this could happen and is to a degree prepared for it. I’m not excusing anything, but I really am a believer in fate and that things happen for a reason. What the reason is sometimes I’m not quite sure. Either way we enjoy each others company and I think I said on here before it’s not just about the sex, we’ve talked extensively in the past about so many different things, that we are very close and I think that if we ended things ourselves rather than being found out, then I think we will always be able to stay friends. But I’ll just have to see on that. Sometimes I can’t imagine ending it, and believe it’ll only stop if we get caught. Although I have to say in all honesty that I don’t ‘wish’ to get caught, because I would never go out of my way to hurt anyone.
Take Care
Gia,
I wish I had your happy conclusion.
Voice of Reason,
Part of me wishes I could do what you are doing.
I am not happy either way – hanging on to half of him or letting go. Both ways are painful.
Oh Joanne, I know how you are feeling… both ways hurt liek hell. I am having a bad day today. I miss him so much although we have been talking all day….
Ill be ok I am sure.
Living in confusion here. MM left home in Dec after she found out in July and came to me, He is now back on the fence and going back and forth because of his son. I know I need to tell him the bouncing has to stop it is reaking havoc on me physically and emotionally. Last weekend he went home only to leave on sunday because he was miserable and was thinking of me. He has bben calling and asked me to come play tennis with him tomight. Ohhhhh i am so confused here
Betterdaysahead,
For your own welfare you have to tell him how you feel and have him make a decision, yes of course he has to see his son, but in my opinion it should be away from the marital home, to me it seems a bit odd to go back there, but I don’t have children so I’m only guessing.
Anyway, if he wants to be with you then he has to finalise things with his wife. otherwise I can’t see how the situation is going to get better for you.
The only thing I would do is this, don’t harrass him about it, but tell him how you feel and give him and yourself a deadline to when things should be sorted out and agreed. If they’re not then it may be time to decide if you should move on without him.
Take Care
Hi VOR,
I know what you are saying & it’s all good. I was prepared to be the mistress & not the other woman … but things have turned into me being TOW … but she knows & as stated before she has her own life. Not slagging her off & as I have said before .. I have heard the screaming drunken demands … he just doesn’t give into her anymore. But his children are important to the both of us & I hate it when she tries to use them as pawns … eg. Bring me some smokes, bourbon … whatever takes her fancy … in the middle of the night or she will send the boys to get it. Now, tell me … what sort of mother does that ?? She can disappear for days at a time & it’s all good with her but she just doesn’t think that it works both ways at times. At least now the kids are old enough to not take her nonsense & won’t put up with her silliness.
I may be the other woman … but I am THE woman. I work full-time, have 2 children, pay a mortgage etc on my own, cook, clean etc & still am always fresh & groomed whatever time of day. She sits on her booty all day & does jack-all but get drunk ( even before we started our relationship again ) & does what ever she wants. I am not feeling a twinge of guilt as I have nothing to feel guilty for. And if I were to have been the Mistress instead of TOW … well that would have been fine by me. I love my man & I adore him. I am already packed for tomorrow & so ready to go right now. Well actually it is tomorrow today already !! Only a trip down the freeway & it will be bliss again.
Gia xx
Joanne,
Hang in there girl … within your timeframe or forever if it’s really in your heart. I am the same as VOR, I believe in fate & some things happen for a reason. You never know what is around the corner & he may just see how happy he is with you & run to you, you just never know. Good luck girl.
We all want our MM for us entirely & exclusively. I never made demands on him. I just said that I would be there for as long as he wanted me to be there & he said … forever. It just got deeper & deeper & he made the call to tell her about us. And it is so good.
Anyway I had better grab a few hours sleep before hitting the freeway, catch you all in a day or two.
Hope all have a good Easter Break & I will think of each & everyone of you , I know it’s hard at holiday & ” special times “.
Gia xx
Voice, thank you.
He knows that he is really putting through so much pain. He has seen me cry lose a ton of weight etc. He says that the two things he wants (me and to be with his kids full time) are mutually exclusive. This has been going for about 7 weeks now. The thing is I never asked him to leave her. He did that on his own and came to me wanting to be with me and marry me etc. He sees his children on tues and thus and every other weekend. I dont know. I havent been harrassing him sometimes I think I am too understanding. But he went home and slept with her last weekend after not having slept with her since Nov. And yes it is odd I have kids as do many people who split up and I told him hes only causing his son more confusion going back and forth. Giving it a time line is great advice thank you. He has been in contact and wants to see me tonight. I sent him an email asking what was going on in his mind as far going home etc. So far no response.
He just emailed me back and said he doesnt want to deal with it right now.
so that means to me just come over tonight be with me and there are no promises that i am not going to try or planning to go home
sighs with tears
Betterdaysahead,
I would be very mindful that can’t deal with it right now isn’t can’t deal with it ‘at all’
You deserve to be treated better than you are being. He can’t keep you dangling and expect you just to be there when it suits
Take Care,
mm,
did you get the job??
i do love him although i have never told him. he has never said it to me either but he always says that he is crazy about me and he has been showing it a lot lately. i know we should take it slow and i am really trying but it is hard. last night we went to a movie and out for a couple drinks and it was so amazing. he showed up with lillies (my favorite) and he even shaved his gotee which may sound weird, but i hate facial hair and he knew that not that it really bothered me on him.
he let her have the dog. i know that was hard for him, but he said that he wants to do whatever he can to make it easy on her. i think that is the right thing for him to do even though i know how much he loves that dog. he said that as soon as she takes her that he will get a kitten. i know that he is doing that because he knows how bad i want one and i am not able to have one in my house. he even said that i can pick her out if i want.
he was very respectful of my boundaries and he barely even touched me. at the end of the night i kissed him. he said that he was hoping i would do that, because he wasn’t going to pressure me. when i was with him i totally forgot everything that he did to me the past couple weeks and i know that is wrong. i know i shouldn’t forgive and forget so quickly and everyone keeps saying give it time don’t jump right back into it like nothing happened, but i don’t feel like playing games. he groveled i know he would continue to do so, but why do i have to make him? i don’t even like seeing him that way! what do you think ladies? am i being naive?
i truely love everyone’s honesty especially you, voice, you always tell it how you see it. i can talk to my friends about it, but they don’t understand why i would want him when there are so many other “fish in the sea”.
Hi Mary m
I don’t think you’re being naive at all. He seems to be making moves to be with you, but it’s OK that he feels the need to ‘grovel’ a little. And the fact that he has given up the dog, shaved his goatee etc is good too.
So, some news about me…my MM and I have mutually decided not to meet up physically for now, although we are talking online and texting constantly. He said he needs some time apart because he is feeling guilty about being with me and then going back to his wife (with whom he hasnt slept with in 7 months) as he feels he is ‘cheating’ on me by not being with me 24/7….now am I the one being naive or what??? I asked him outright if he was cooling off and if this would make the relationship die off, but he said no, if anything he thinks he would miss me so much that he would have to do something about it…what do you girls think???
xx
Teresa,
I’m sorry that you are going through this. I think we want so desperately to believe that they love us and maybe some do but they don’t end up leaving. The statistics are just not in our favor.
Hang in there and be strong.
Mary M,
Thank you for the compliment, you are right, I do call things as I see them, I’ve always been like it. It’s usually me that my friends call on when they want a bit of brutal honesty……..lol. Not that they always like it after.
If you want to be with the guy then I’m sure you can work it out, after all he seems to be trying hard and as Waiting said a bit of grovelling never did any man harm.. 😉 You could put whats happened down to a blip of leaving his wife and a bit of guilt thrown in to boot. I would just be wary that it may not be an isolated incident, so……..
I suppose if I have to put a cynical note to proceedings then I think my only one would be, for example he gave her the dog, what happens if it’s sick or anything, will he go running back to help her sort it out?? The only reason I ask is I’ve seen something similar before in another persons relationship. Is his wife the sort of person that if there is a crisis, will he be the one she calls?
If he can draw a line in the sand and finalise everything with her, then I believe you may have a good chance of making a go of things, but if she’s gonna be in the background, then I think problems could arise. As for jumping back in as if nothing happened…. I think that if you make it clear to him that you won’t stand for being treated like that again, then forgive him, forget and move on. As I said before it takes a lot of energy to be mad at someone. After all your relationship isn’t going to get very far if you keep beating him over the head with whats happened and there’s nothing anyone can do to change it. But if you do what I’ve suggested than you have to be prepared to walk if he does it again. Otherwise it’s a pointless exercise.
As for friends I’m sure they mean well, and are looking out for you, but even the bestest friends aren’t always objective. They may feel you’re being taken for a ride, and are trying to prevent that by saying steer clear, maybe they’re right, who knows, but at the end of the day, it’s your life and you have to do what you feel is best for you.
Take Care
Waiting,
Your post confused me a bit, in as much as there seemed to be mixed messages from him, so I have some Q’s.
I don’t get it at all. He wants time apart, but it’s not cooling off eventhough he thinks he may miss you so much if that were the case that he would have to do something about it????
Do you believe they’re not sleeping together????
You say you still talk online & text constantly? Do you still feel it is the same or does it maybe seem like how just two mates would chat?
What was your initial reaction to what he said?? Did you feel he was trying to let you down gently?, I’m guessing you did or you wouldn’t of asked about it being cooling off.
I’m really not sure, it could be he is feeling guilty and having trouble separating his feelings for you both, or maybe it’s a cop out. It just seems odd to me , I can’t even explain it really, call it intuition if you like…….lol
Take Care
Hi VOR
I’ve been asking the same questions myself actually!
One thing I know for sure….we’ve known each other for a very long time and I know him to be a very honest person who says it how he feels it. He has told me and his wife several times that he doesn’t love her anymore but he also has trouble making his move because of other issues/responsibilities.
I am sure they aren’t sleeping together either…he’s told me there’s no way he can go back to her after me. So if this is the case, and he’s not sleeping with anyone now, I hope this break will have the desired effect we are both hoping for.
I told him I didn’t understand how being so much in love with me is not enough reason to make a move, and if that isn’t, then what is??? To which he replied he was so sure that he would never fall in love again but now that he has, he needs some time to change his situation. He said he was concerned that somewhere along the way I may also meet someone else and fall for them, to which I replied that would be a risk HE takes but not taking action himself. He again asked me to trust him cos he knows what he’s doing, which I do really, but with reservations as to when and how it will be done. Hence my personal timeframe yet again, if I can keep it….
Now this morning he has texted me several times already and we also spoke online too. He’s asking me how I am after yesterday’s chat and I just said I’m dealing with it the best I can but will not wait forever, to which he replied that he got my point clearly and is working on our future together….and by the way the contact is still very intense and not just a platonic thing!
xx
Waiting,
Ok, so essentially they don’t have sex, she know’s he doesn’t love her and presumably from that she must maybe feel he doesn’t particularly want to be with her anymore???
So what’s the problem????
Ok so he has issues and responsiblities, and I’m not belittling the fact that he seems to be taking them seriously, but people the world over split up and sort stuff out, ie kids, homes and money etc etc. It seems to me that something more than that is stopping him from biting the bullet and sorting it out.
Sorry if I sound harsh.
Take Care.
Hi Vor
You are not being harsh at all. This is one of the best places to get an objective opinion with no hidden agendas!
And yes, you’re right and we’ve discussed all this too. He says he feels a lot of pressure at the moment about disappointing his family (I told him your family will always love you, whatever you do). I also mentioned in another post that his wife is the type of woman to freak out and rant and rave the minute he tries to start discussing the issue, which makes him back off again. He also said recently she’s losing weight and cooking his fave meals and taking more care of things at home, but he is continuing to be cold and unresponsive to her through all this. I think he’s hoping she will ask him to leave instead of him making the move but I told him I think that’s wishful thinking on his part. Anyway, I’m beginning to sound like a broken record here so I will post again if/when there’s anything worth posting 😉
Thanks for your input, always interesting and appreciated 🙂
xx
Hi Ladies,
I haven’t posted in awhile, but I’ve been reading and thinking about all of you.
I had quite the lunch today. I work with my MM and I had an out of office meeting this morning. A lot of times when this happens, we’ll meet at my place after the meeting for lunch and a nooner. Well today, all was going good until my roommmate walked in unexpectedly because she got off work early. She didn’t actually see us but that is because I told her not to come in. I haven’t told anyone else about this relationship yet, and I have no idea what to tell her. I am considering coming clean and telling her everything, she is not just my roommate, but one of my best friends as well. I know for a fact she has noticed changes in my behavior over the last few months. I just don’t want to lie to her anymore.
Nikki,
If you feel she is totally trustworthy with regards to your situation then why not tell her.
After all it is rule number 3 on here.
Take Care
Hi Nikki
I agree with VOR. I have 2 very close friends who know about me and my MM. Of course they don’t always understand why I am letting myself accept the situation but they have been a huge support for me when I am really down and stressed out and also realise this from my beahviour and can therefore help me deal with it. I say go for it and tell her…if she’s already a best friend she will surely understand and offer her support too.
xx
VOR & Waiting,
Thanks for the responses. I basically decided that I had to come clean to her – I hate lying, and I didn’t want to lie to her anymore. Actually, she had basically figured it all out on her own. She knew something had been up these last few months, figured out I was involved with someone and then deducted it was him since I wasn’t telling anyone. (She has heard me talk about him before and knew I had a crush on him, we work together). Anyway, the conversation went really well. I apologized for the lying and she seemed relieved it all came out. She also told me that it’s my life, she isn’t going to judge me or tell me what to do, but if I want to talk about it with her, she will listen. It feels like a weight has been lifted for me and I’m glad I came clean to her.
what scares me is that all of you sound like things I hear. Do any of these situations ever actually work out? I guess the worst part of it is that we have NO power. If we try to even think about taking control of things we get scared to lose them…i get scared…does this mean we have issues? we genuinely love the person we’ve gotten involved with, under these crazy circumstances. Is anyone on here that has gotten out, and is OK…how have you coped…what did you do to get enough motivation to get yourself out and know you would be ok? I’ve had a bad emotional day, feeling like I’m dirt, so sorry for all the mixed thoughts.
what scares me is that all of you sound like things I hear. Do any of these situations ever actually work out? I guess the worst part of it is that we have NO power. If we try to even think about taking control of things we get scared to lose them…i get scared…does this mean we have issues? we genuinely love the person we’ve gotten involved with, under these crazy circumstances. Is anyone on here that has gotten out, and is OK…how have you coped…what did you do to get enough motivation to get yourself out and know you would be ok? I’ve had a bad emotional day, feeling like I’m dirt, so sorry for all the mixed thoughts.
SMR,
Hope you’re ok and don’t be sorry for sharing your thoughts, no matter how mixed up you feel they are, Do you want to share your situation???
In regards to some of your questions, I don’t think there are many instances of things working out for the other woman, the odds are hugely stacked against us.
Have to say I don’t necessarily agree with you about having no power in these situations. To be honest I think a lot of the time it’s the MM’s that need us more, why do you think they go to such lengths to keep us???? The only time I think power is lost in these situations is when an MM is the other womans focal point. To feel that your MM is the be all and end all of things just isn’t the right way to do this(if the is such a thing as ‘right’). You have to have a life outside of an affair, otherwise you will find yourself very very unhappy.
You sound like you’ve not long split from an MM. I really hope you’re ok.
Take Care
my situation…the MM is someone I work with. I was married in an emotionally abusive relationship, as I believe he is as well. We started talking at lunch a lot about our situations….how we both knew before we even married we didn’t love the people, but just felt like it was the right thing to do. I really looked at him as a good friend-he has two children and didn’t think he would think about disrupting his family. Well in the meantime I got separated and then divorced. We kept talking throughout my divorce, and became more and more emotionally attached. About a year ago we started the physical part of the relationship. Twice already I have tried to end it, because of his being unsure about what to do because of his children. I feel if he wants to be a good father and stick out his situation he should do so. But he seems to panic and convince me that things are going to work, that he will make a move. He still hasn’t. When I am around him, which b/c we work together, it is basically the most we see each other, I am happy. Lately because he has made no move I am feeling depressed and sad even when around him. He has told his parents and she has told her parents they are getting divorced, I even met his parents, he told them about me. They went to a counselor to discuss how to tell their young children and he brought up bringing me into the children’s lives. But he still will not move out, when I ask him why, he says he has that as his final move, and he’s being his own worst enemy. I don’t know what to do-give him a deadline for myself, try to have faith in it and stick it out, or just go cold turkey. I’m afraid to lose someone I truly love in my life. But I am tired of not being able to call him when I want, of not having something normal. Why can’t I just stand up for myself and say I won’t tolerate it unless he can really give me more?
Hi Ladies!
Still haven’t heard about the job but they called on Thursday night to say they would have an answer after the easter break. They weren’t allowed to say anything official but told me it was looking very “positive”.
Mary M, I am glad to hear your MM is making such an effort. I know that you really love him, so let things pan out, and see how they go.
Its the longest weekend ever…. havent heard from MM since Thursday and won’t until Tuesday. Holidays seem to drag on when you are TOW!!!
I have decided that MM cannot ever give me what I want from him. I decide this each and every day, but each and everyday I continue to remain in contact with him…… Its a never ending cycle.
He never says he will leave his wife, and never alludes to the fact that this is going anywhere…. but on the other hand, when I try to break away he holds on tighter…. I am not sure if this is just a silly game to him…. or if he truly loves me the way I love him.
I don’t think I will ever truly know….
Hi Ladies,
I haven’t posted in awhile. Hi Voice, How are you, I need to vent. I stopped seeing my mm in December and I was doing pretty good. I had some bad days. Just this week I let him back into my life because he said he was sorry for not taking me out on dates. He was under a lot of pressure because of his job and he owns properties. He told me he starts a new job this Monday and He has sold his properties to his dad. Thursday night he came over and we had a long talk and a good time. He told me we were going out on Saturday night. It never happened, He went home and took a nap and told his wife to get him up at 8:00 and she didn’t get him up to 9:30, which I don’t believe, then at 10:00 he calls me and said his wife is going out and he will stop over in 15 minutes. Then he calls back and said that his father just called and his son is sick and he will be bringing him home. I don’t believe that either. I am so sick to my stomach right now. Why do people treat others so bad. I am in love with him. We did have a fight Saturday night and we said some things we both regret. I want his life to be so miserable. I’m not usually a mean person I think he took advantage of how nice I am. Now with this new job he will be working night shift. I can’t go through this again I was doing really good for the last month. The bad thing is he lives four doors down from me on my street. I only want to spend time with him and he thinks I am demanding. He has never taken me on a date in one year as of December. Any suggestions.
Thanks,
Mary L
I have been dating a MM for about 7 months. He travels much of the time and rarely sees me *or* his wife. He says they have not had sex in 3 years, and that they sleep in separate BRs (I have been to his house and seen the separate rooms.)
He has a timeline to leave her, but I have a bad feeling (based on conventional wisdom) that it will never happen – that the timeline will drag on and on, etc. He doesn’t say he needs to stay “for the kids” or anything like that – he just wants to transfer a bunch of assets that he inherited from his family to a trust before he leaves her.
I guess I just want to weigh in on the whole “staying for the kids” thing. I think that is absolute bullshit -people are kidding themselves, thinking they’re doing the right thing when they’re really just dragging things out. The kids are going to get hurt no matter how you slice it. So is the wife. Kids ALSO are hurt by being in dysfucntional families, raised by parents who barely tolerate each other, or fight constantly. My father cheated on my mom all the time, and they had horrible fights, but they have stayed together for 35 years. Now they’re both miserable, and all us kids wished they had ended it years ago. Plenty of people get divorced and the kids turn out JUST FINE. These guys just don’t want to look like bad fathers…but the fact is, they already are. A good father would love and respect the mother of his children, and remain faithful to her – or he would leave her in the kindest way possible and give her the chance to start over with someone else. People who stay “for the kids’ are staying for their own egos.
hi lux.
i agree w/you on the kids thing. i don’t have kids but if you know you live so badly and don’t get out what kind of life is that for your kids. i don’t get it. i think they want everything.
On this site, everyone is kind and understanding to each other. I couldn’t tell any friends what I am doing because they would be horrified. I feel terrible that I am embarking on an affair with a married man. I don’t think I really trust him. I’ve only known him for 2 weeks, although we emailed for 4 weeks before meeting. As soon as I met him, I felt I was in love. I’ve never been in love in my life and I’m 42. No-one has ever loved me in my whole life and I never thought I would experience this. I don’t want to give this up. I know I am entering into a terrible life of lies and deceit, but I want to feel loved by him.
I never want him to leave his wife and children – my father walked out on us and it was the most terrible blow of my life.
Mary L,
It’s really good to hear from you, eventhough things aren’t great for you right now.
I think you should tell the guy to get lost. It’s a sad thing to say that he played you, but that is exactly what he did. He’s keeping you at arms length until he wants to call on you and get what he wants. He’s treating you like dirt and needs to be told that’s just not on. You are worth far more than that.
For you own well being, don’t let him be this way. If he can reel off excuses like he has without a second thought for you feelings, then I think if I was you, I’d be very tempted to tell his wife(eventhough I don’t normally think thats a good idea). Trust your instinct, you don’t believe his reasons for Saturday, and I think you know most of what I’m saying already anyway.
Now don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not entirely sure it’s a good idea to think that he should take you out on ‘dates’. I’m not saying he shouldn’t spend time with you, because if he is saying that, then he should do that. But you are not a couple, you can’t necessarily expect the things that couples do. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, because my MM has taken me out, but only cos the opportunity and time to do so has presented itself. He has never said to me I’m taking you out somewhere. I don’t think it often happens that way to be honest. Also I don’t think you are being demanding at all to want to spend time with him. I think that is his view because you are asking him to deliberately step out of his timetable, rather than you fitting into it.
Hope that makes sense. Keep in touch.
Take Care.
Rosebud,
Welcome. You may not want him to leave now, but trust me on this, the longer it goes on, you will find yourself wanting it. I know cos i’m going through that part right now. I know he’s not leaving her, but I want him to. I’ll never ask him to cos I already know his answer. But it doesn’t stop me wanting it.
It may not feel like it, but the best thing you can do is run in the opposite direction.
Take Care
Voice of Reason,
Thanks for your response. It must be terrible for you to be wanting him to leave, but not able to ask him. Yes, I believe you when you say that I will experience this too.
I know you are right and that I should run, I know you are 100% right. But I’m not going to leave him. I want to experience love, in whatever circumstances. This is selfish and I think it will lead to heart-ache for me, and possibly dreadful pain for other people if this affair ever comes out (which at the moment I hope it won’t). But this is everything I’ve ever dreamt of, read poems and novels about, listened to songs about, seen in paintings, and longed for more than anything (except for him being a MM).
I don’t want to give it up, although I know that that would be the rational thing to do.
Rosebud,
You can only do what you feel, but as I’m a jaded old cynic…. 🙂 I have to be honest and ask can you really be in love with someone after such a short time. Realistically how much do you know about him???? I totally understand the feeling of not wanting to give an MM up, I’ve said on here often enough that I think the only way my affair will end is if we get caught as I’m not prepared to stop either.
For what it’s worth, and I’m not being critical here, but I think you are getting into this for the wrong reason, and it IS going to lead to lots of heartache for you. It can be a very lonely/unhappy life being the other woman as lots of us on here will tell you. I know you want to feel love, but to try and have love with a married man is so limited and isn’t the best way to experience love to it’s fullest potential. He may make you happy, but when push comes to shove the odds a stacked against us ever coming out as the winner. If you’ve not done so already have a read through here and see just how many of us have a happy ending…..
I really wish you the best of luck
Take Care.
I have been involved for about a year and six months with a married man. The sex is awesome and the time spent is wonderful, but I just have one thing to say. YES the MM make us feel like “silk” when we are with them, but at the end of the day they make us feel like another four letter word that starts with the letter “s”. It’s hard and I am trying to get out. I hope you all do the same. Good luck.
I am 21, only weeks away from graduating and getting my Bachelor’s degree, so life is going great. However, I’m afraid I’m about to make a big mistake. A few months ago I met a guy and we hit it off real well, all we did that night was talk until the bar closed for about 3 hours. I was returning to school, so I figured he would not want to pursue me any further, but he called me, e-mailed, texted very regularly for about 4 months while I in school. We didn’t see each other physically, but kept in close touch.
A few weeks ago I came across a mySpace page of him, but noticed another page with a picture of him in it, and low and behold, he had a wife and two kids! A whole family! He has nothing on his page about any of that, but she describes they’re happily married and there are pictures of the beautiful kids. My heart literally skipped a beat and I stopped breathing for a second when I discovered his BIG LIE. Everything he has told me is probably a lie?! Anger was my first emotion, then sadness for what could have been, then curiosity, then rationalizing. I didn’t answer his phone calls for about 2 weeks but then started thinking maybe they’re separated or etc. A week ago, I decided to meet up him because I was going home to visit. He was just as sexy as I had remembered, and the feelings of attraction all came rushing back. The plan was, for me to meet up with him, and basically break everything off. However, we had such a fun night dancing, having a few drinks, talking, and eventually kissing, that I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I dropped hints like, “If I ever found out I was dating a married guy, I would end it right then.” I even asked him straight up, “have you ever been married? have any kids?” He denied both.
My question is, this should be an obvious decision on my part, but why do I want to continue and see how far this can go? Maybe I’m secretly hoping he would leave his wife, or that they’re separated…he seems really into me, and ?I think we would be great together. I am so new to the whole “TOW” thing, and it’s scary. We have not gotten sexually involved yet and I don’t plan on it because that would leave me feeling depressed once it was over. Can I at least keep pursuing a friendship with him?
Looking for love,
If his wife is describing them as happily married, why would you A) want to be the person that could wreck that and B) get involved with a man that shows such a lack of respect for a woman. You’re young enough to get on and find someone who’ll treat you a lot better than this. If you know he is married then why don’t you just ask him outright to explain whats going on??? I know you’ve said you asked but you should tell him about the myspace you’ve seen.
The whole ‘TOW’ thing really isn’t an ideal way to pursue a reltionship. You may think you’ll be great together, but if you decide to go ahead then you should get him to tell you where you stand in regards to what his intentions towards you are ie if it’s just sex. There is nothing worse than having your MM promise you the world, only to keep snatching it away with excuse after excuse. It’s cruel.
On your final question, I think if you are that attracted to him and have kissed etc etc, to pursue just a friendship with him will be difficult.
Take Care
Hi all,
It’s been almost a week of no contact with my MM. Was extremely difficult the first few days. All the same old feelings of hurt, desperation, the thought of never seeing him again, etc.
Then, somewhere underneath all of that, there was a glimmer of something I had forgotten about, me.
I have been reading all the posts every day from each and everyone of you and it has opened my eyes very clearly for the first time in such a long time.
It’s hard to look at in the mirror and know that what I was involved with is wrong. Plain and simple. For over 3 years, loving someone that is unavailable and will remain that way is just wrong. It is wrong for myself, for the W and kids and even MM.
I want to do better, be better and more than anything else like myself again. I am taking this just one day at a time but every day I like where I am going more than where I was.
I know some of you might end up with a relationship with your MM and for all of you, I wish you the best but I feel that most of us, including myself are/have just been wasting our time.
A very close friend said to me that love can not hurt like you are hurting. Someone that deeply cares about you would never put you through this.
Take care everyone
Robin,
I’m so glad for you that you feel you are getting your life back on track,
Good luck to you,
Take Care
Voice of Reason, I appreciate your honesty and objectivity towards my whole situation. You’re right, why would I WANT to be the person to wreck a “happy marriage” at least from the wife’s standpoint. And I do view myself as an attractive, motivated individual who would be able to move on and meet other single men. I just wish I hadn’t invested 4 months into him emotionally, because I do feel emotionally attached, hence the reason why I would have continued the relationship. But I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m overcome with guilt, that’s why I’m cutting it off completely tonight and explaining how I know everything about him.
Thank you! This website really helped me!
Voice of Reason, I appreciate your honesty and objectivity towards my whole situation. You’re right, why would I WANT to be the person to wreck a “happy marriage” at least from the wife’s standpoint. And I do view myself as an attractive, motivated individual who would be able to move on and meet other single men. I just wish I hadn’t invested 4 months into him emotionally, because I do feel emotionally attached, hence the reason why I would have continued the relationship. But I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m overcome with guilt, that’s why I’m cutting it off completely tonight and explaining how I know everything about him.
Thank you! This website really helped me.
voice of reason,
thanks for your commenT. I can’t believe how much this website has helped me. I wished I’d found it 3 years ago but it probably wouldn’t have done the trick as I was so deep into my obsession. I call it that because in some twisted way I feel that is where I was at at the time.
I think I’ve realized I’m not just a victim here but a perpetrator in that I have seeked it and allowed it. Do you know what I mean? This is a real soul searching adventure and I hope that I come out of it on the good side.
I appreciate your support!!!!
Robin,
I’m sure you will, come through this just fine. And yes I do know what you mean…. 🙂
Looking for Love,
Sounds like you have a plan to get on, keep in touch and let us know. It’s the emotional attachment that is the hardest thing to overcome, but you sound like a strong person. I’m sure you’ll do fine.
PS, I’ve set up an email specifically for anyone from here who wants to contact me(maybe make some friends along the way….) It’s reasonmail@googlemail.com
Take Care
Hi
If I have ever needed advice its now. I am so glad to have found this site and you ladies here.
Ok, so as most of you know MM was my boss up until almost two weeks ago. We have now been “seeing” each other for six months.
At the start his wife, and my fiance found out. We ended things as they were too complicated. He has children and didnt want to hurt them.
My fiance left me, but we reconciled a couple of months ago.
THroughout the last 6 months we have unsuccessfully said goodbye to each other… but it never lasts.
I left my job and hoped that I could move on. But I found that I couldn’t and we have stayed in contact. Things are sometimes a little raunchy in our exchanges, and I stupidly didnt delete all the evidence from my computer, and was today AGAIN found out.
To save my relationship, I tried to end things with MM. I really wanted to, but I m deeply in love with MM, and told him so for the first time today.
MM doesnt want to lose me, but cannot offer me anything. He has three children at home, who would never forgive him. He is father of the year material and I really do not want to jeopardise that.
In the end, we decided to continue our “dance” and see how things go.
THEN my fiance wanted to reconcile and I promised that I would never EVER contact MM again.
I dont think I can do it. I am hurting people left right and centre with my selfishness but I really have no control over my feelings for MM.
I know this is hard to understand, as my fiancee is a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally and would give me everything… and I am throwing it away for what I know is NOTHING.
I just don’t know… Do I severe all ties from now on, and live happily ever after with the fiancee…. knowing that I may never stop thinking about MM…
Or Do I hold out for what may never happen??? And be TOW for the next ten years??? And throw away my youth (I am 27, MM is 43)???
I am so confused. Please help, and feel free to judge, I know my actions are appalling!!
MMimB,
I can sit here and give you all the stuff about not keeping evidence and all that, but thats pointless, and I’m sorry if I upset you at all with what I’m gonna put, but straight talking time I think. So lets see what we can sort out……
No offence here, but why on earth did you promise you fiance that you’d have no contact with your MM, when you already had no intention of doing that??? It’s just mean and you are digging yourself into a hole that is already way over your head.
I think you need to take some time out for yourself. Your fiance sounds to me like a really nice guy, but is essentially a doormat. To a degree I think he is helping you carry on with your MM, cos he keeps forgiving your behaviour, when realistically most people would of ditched you by now.
I know you are confused, but your choice is actually pretty simple. You either:
A) Severe all ties with your MM and commit yourself to your fiance fully(have you set a date for the wedding, if so why?, you don’t seem to be in the frame of mind at all to even consider getting hitched)
B) End things with your fiance, so he can get on with his life, and consign yourself to being the other woman, with no possibility of ever having a complete no complications relationship with your MM(a bit like me really)
C) Bin them both and be single for a bit and try and put the whole mess behind you and get on with life.
I know you already know most of this. but trust me if you stick with your MM, You’ll find yourself getting more and more unhappy with the situation as time goes on, because even though you know there is no chance of him leaving her, you WILL want it…. and I believe it will eventually cause problems. Think I’m heading for this one myself. It’s basic human nature to want to be with someone, but it’s just not going to happen with your MM. Your MM is basically the same as mine. he has told you there’s no future with him. It’s clever really cos it leaves the decision to stick at things with us…. Yes they care for us or love us even, but we are still not important enough to them to be with us totally.
As far as your fiance goes, you know you are treating him badly, I think he’s stupid to put up with it, now he’s caught you again, but he must obviously love you. I know you’re not hurting him deliberately, it’s just the situation you’ve got yourself into. But if you can’t commit to him, you should really let him go, and not let him waste his life.
Now I know this is so easy to say rather than do but I think it it were me, I’d let them both go and try to get on with life. Get yourself back to some sort of normality before trying to share it with anyone else.
I wish you luck, keep posting if it helps
Take Care
Hi girls
The last time I posted here (early last week) my MM and I decided not to meet up but stay in touch. Last weekend he had a huge argument with his wife, where, in a nutshell, he kept saying that he does not love her anymore and wants out asap. Her response was that she was not going to do anything to help and that he had to do what he had to do on his own. All this was happening while I was out with my family for Easter lunch and we spent most of the day texting back and forth, then in the evening we spoke online about it too. He was very upset and kept saying that he was going to tell her about us, but, using my head instead of my heart, I asked him not to do that, as it would then involve a lengthy court case to get out of his situation instead of using the reasons of the past 2-3 years, which she and both their families know about anyway.
It was a really upsetting day for both of us, and as a result, we met up yesterday just to spend some quality time together, since we both had the day off. We didn’t speak too much again about the situation, as we both felt the conversation was exhausted the day before, but he was asking me some questions about my own separation and how I went about it. I was very objective and felt I did not put any pressure on him in any way, but just told it how it was. I also offered to give him details of a lawyer (not mine!) and even a therapist if he felt so inclined to ask for advice and help at this stage. He said he is going to think about over the next days.
He also mentioned that his wife is going away mid next week for 4 days and has said that we can spend these days together all the time after work, and he may even sleep over on the Friday evening. I am so happy about this as we have never had the chance to be able to spend so much time together before and I’m really hoping that we will talk more about his situation and that he will decide to take some kind of first step towards getting out. Again, wishful thinking, but I suppose I’m the eternal optimist. The thing is, I’ve known him so well for so many years and have seen the way he acts in other situations and know that he is a very open and upfront person. Even now, through all this, he is being very honest and letting me know what happens (or doesn’t) between them and keeps telling me that I am the love of his life and that he’s really working on us being together soon. Again, how naive (or cynical) am I being?? I truly want to believe what he says and I know I should stick it out for a while to see what happens, but the waiting in between for something to happen is the real killer and what prompts me to voice my thoughts here every so often.
Thank you all for listening xx
Ok, So I need help. I have been dealing with this guy for a month now. He’s not married but lives with his girlfriend. They have been together for 2 years now and I am really starting to like this guy a lot. We see each other everday, not just to have sex but he comes over to say hello to me and spends time with me. We go out often and it’s like we’re in a relationship but he goes home to a different house. No i do not have his house number, matter of fact i’m not sure he has one. Anyway before i fall in love with this guy, i need to know what i should say as in an ultimatum. I refuse to be his other girl for a long time. I’m going to give it 5 months and then i’ll let him know he’s gotta make a decision. My thing is right now what do i say to him? We have talked about it and he wants me to cut off all the guys that I deal with now because he doesn’t want me sleeping with anyone else. I’m willing to do this knowing he is going to be with me.
I’m only 24 he’s 28 and his girl is older than the both of us. I mean he calls me everyday and sees me everyday we even argue. He argues about other guys, and what I wear, what time i come in the house. It’s really going like a real relationship and I just don’t wanna get hurt too bad in the long run and I’m also not sure if I want to be with him, that is why i said in 5 months. I’ll know by then.
Thanks for listening.
xx
Tiffany
Tiffany,
While it’s a good thing that you are giving yourself a timeframe, you really should make it a lot less than 5 months. if you already like the guy a lot and are so involved with him that you see him everyday, whats it going to be like 5 months down the line???? Of course he wants you to cut ties with any other guys, the male ego is a bit like that. My MM is the same, he won’t share me with anyone, eventhough he knows full well thats what I have to do with him, to be with him. Although he accepts that it will be over if I do meet someone else.
As for him diasgreeing with what you wear and what time you are out til etc etc. That’s not on, at the end of the day you are not his girlfriend you are the other woman. As such you are a free agent. If someone comes along that is better for you then you should take it. It’s not down to your MM to dictate things like that. Don’t let him get control of you like that.
For what you are going to say to him, well it basically needs to be something like: You like him, you want to make a go of things with him, but you are not going to wait forever. I would also ask him if he is serious about the idea of committing to you. If you ask and get excuses in return as to why he may not be able to do that, then be wary. If you’re going to give him an ultimatum, be prepared to stick with it. I’m not sure how willing he will be to give up 2 years of effort with his girlfriend.
Take Care
Thankyou Voice. You are as usual spot on.
MMimB
Are you ok???
Keep in touch, sorry if I sounded like an opinionated b*tch…… 🙂
Take Care
Hi Ladies,,,
Haven’t posted anything lately. Everything is going well between us. But I’m not the same person I used to be..as you have said Voice of Reason, I started to look at our relationship as an arrangement and really is working for me. I don’t let myself feel down anymore. I’m doing everything to keep my self occupied when I’m not with my mm. More I socialize with my friends more he becomes jealous and makes lot more effort to see me. I kinda like that.
Take care all,
Rachel
that’s where I want to be right now, out and about enjoying my life whilst my MM deals with his own issues. How did you get there?? I’m finding it so very difficult not to sit about waiting and available for him and also trying to enjoy myself if/when I do go out and socialise. I suppose I have to keep drumming into myself the saying ‘no expectations, no disappointments’….so much easier said than done.
xx
Ladies
I’m not having a good week at all, so please bear with me if I post more than usual here. It feels like the only place I can freely voice my fears and hopes and it’s such a good release valve to be able to do it here. Although we don’t really know each other, I feel an affinity with you all because of our similar circumstances and can perfectly understand all the dilemmas spoken about.
Thanks for listening and have a nice day xx
Rachel,
So glad you are feeling happier with things.
Waiting,
Post away, as you say it’s good to be able to chat things over with others. To be honest I think that maybe cos there is a bit of distance between us, it makes it possible for a bit of objectivity.
Take Care
Hi, Im so happy I found a site, that I can write and have someone understand how I feel. Im 35, with 3 kids, was married for 17 years to my high school sweetheart. The marriage was very rocking the last few years. My X was verbally abusive to me and my children and the physical abuse wasnt too far away. I met a guy on an online game, and we began talking morning,noon and night about our lives. The day we decided to meet, was one of the best days of my life. We began as friends and soon ended up as lovers. He is 48 and married for 20 years with 2 teenagers. He and his wife had always planned on splitting when the kids were gone. I have read alot of articles the past day and have found myself saying, hes not like what others are describing. I can call him anytime, he does take me out and about town, shows tremendous affections towards me, has met my kids. I also have to say, it is a long distance relationship, so we see each other about every 2 weeks for about 3 days at a time. I have been seeing him for 8 months now, he is helping me through a divorce and starting a new life. We have tried to break it off several times, but neither of us can. I have to say, i believe him, that he will leave some day. But I honestly dont know. I do know if he did leave, we would have a great life together, he likes my children and they like him. All of my friends, family and even my X know of him. He has also confided in his parents. So im not a total secret. We have never made any promises so far. I have never even asked him to leave his wife. I believe it is something he has to do on his own. He has made some commitments, like seeing my children. Taking them places (in public for all to see). I have been to his home, i have all his numbers and cell numbers. So im not totally in the dark. We email daily, talk on the phone at least 2-3 times a day, hang out on internet till bedtime. He spends more time with me than anyone.My question is, does the other woman ever win? Is there such a thing as true love?
I have to say, i believe God brought him to me for a reason, in not sure of that reason. I know he does love me, and our relationship has never been about sex. We respect each others lifes. I want the full commitment from him, but dont want to force it. ( i have to say that his timeline for leaving has always been when his youngest is out of the house (2years ) but he has told one kid, he is leaving in the summer, and his wife as well. But I dont see him making to many moves, finding a lawyer, or a place to live, etc )
Well any advice would be nice. Im new to being the other woman. Im just so glad I could let some of this frustration out..
Today has been a really bad day for me 🙁
I see my MM at work every day and today has been no exception. You’d think I’d be happy with that at least, but I’m not. I want him to take action, and fast. I know I’m being selfish and impatient, but today is one of those days that I can’t help it. I want things to happen, but I feel totally helpless and powerless to do anything. I keep saying to myself he has to sort out things himself and I can’t do anything but stand in the background and hope it happens soon. I don’t know how much longer I can take this…maybe it’s better this way, hopefully I will snap and realise it may be leading nowhere and get myself out until and if he’s free.
xx
VOICE OF REASON! Thank you! So 5 months is too long. I love your suggestion as to what to say to him. I am going to say it verbatum. Yes we spend a lot of time together and he has even stated i spend more time with you than I do with girlfriend who lives with me. Another note i should add he stole my birth control from me last night, I called him and asked him why, he replied cause you don’t need them anymore, and we haven’t been using protection for the last week. Should I run??? And as for being a free agent, I totally agree. It’s just this is a whole new ball game for me, cause I am really catching feelings for this man.
Waiting
I’m happy and satisfied with our relationship as it is. Because, I know he is never going to leave his family. I no longer have to carry those hopes he will come to me.
So, I’m going to just enjoy and cherish every moment we’ve been spending together. There are so many people who are madly in love but has no chance being together…But I at least have a chance to be with him.
Voice of Reason,
Thank you. It was your words that helped me to make decision where I’m today.
Tiffany,
He stole your birth control???
That to me is seriously off the wall behaviour.
I really think he has serious control issues..
Take Care
Tiffany,
He stole your birth control???
That to me is seriously off the wall behaviour.
I really think he has serious control issues..
Take Care
Rachel and Voice of Reason
I’d like to talk to you more.
can you give me your email addresses or something?
i have been with my married man for about two years now. i am 22. of course i have tried to break it off some serveral times with severe pressure from my family. i love him. we spend almost every waking moment together, i just am in in limbo
thanks
I’d love to talk to you ladies more…I also opened this account..it will be great if become friends down the road.
I’m from New Jersey.
newofme@yahoo.com
Tiffany
I think it’s very weird that he took your pill. It has to be you who decides what is best for you. You can’t just have a baby just like that. He is so selfish to do things like that.
Miracle,
Mine’s already on here post 613.
Take care,
hey guys, im glad i found this site…..
well ive been with an older married man for almost a year now. We started the affair when i was 21, im now 22. I was in an adult education environment , he was my teacher, He’s 56, and married, with grown up kids. I came from a very abusive, controlling home environment, where i was not permitted to go out or have friends, and my father was very cruel to me and degrading. I love this man because he fills so many emotional gaps. We get on so well, we both have had pain and misery but we’re always happy when we’re togehter. I know he’s never going to leave his wife. When i think about ending it, i just cry for days and days. I can’t imagine life without him. well there you go.
Annie
I’m so sorry to hear your story. My MM is also much older than me and I love him.
Sometimes, I think the reason I attracted to him in the first place might be that I saw a caring father figure in him.
I was very close to my dad..unfortunately he passed away when I was 23.
But, don’t get me wrong..I don’t look at him as my dad. He is my dear lover, friend, someone I care dearly and love crazy. I too can’t live without him…what we have is special and I’m satisfied with it.
When I told him how I feel about him he told me he might let me go,,,that little incidence scared me…the thought of losing him made me more miserable. So, here I’m today…sharing him with his wife…and I’m happy as long as I can have him…even it’s piece of him.
Annie,
Try to keep yourself busy. Appreciate the relationship you have with your MM and try to get most out of it. You are so young and keep your options open.
Rachael:
Thank you so much for your words, you don’t know what a comfort it is to hear them, and not to hear someone telling me that I must get out, etc. I think your right, i do see a caring father figure in him, although like you i don’t see him as my ‘father’ either. He is extremely kind to me and that’s what i need right now. I know exactly how you feel – i wrote a letter to my MM telling him how i felt about him – and he said that we should end it before it gets too deep – but i was already emotionally invested in him…i felt hurt that he said that, it was like being discarded…but we kept going. Me and my MM have tried to end it 3 times now…and all 4 times we have been so miserable…. Im so sorry to hear about your dad…sometimes we love people too much i think, and when we lose them, they come to define us in a certain way….I hope you find happiness with your MM, or whoever you might choose to be with.
my father made us stay at home and we were homeschooled, not allowed to talk to anybody, and we had to think like him…he would shout at us all the time, devalue my mother by talking about their sex life in front of us all.
He would sit in front of me naked and say how much he needed sex. When i was 14 he bought a lot of bras from auction, he made me try all on in front of him. He would come into the bathroom when i was in the bath…he’d lean over and wash his hands in the bath, when i was about 12 he’d cuddle me in bed naked, and say that mother didn’t understand him. …..i began to start feeling warped and dirty. I wanted to kill myself and have been self harming since i was 10. i had a few times of therapy last year, since i don’t see my father anymore. But its something you don’t forget….and so i feel as thought its defined me. In my darkest moments i sometimes admit that i want to have a father figure in my MM…but in a creepy sexual way…just in that a bit of kindness would make me feel better. I know this is beyond the scope of this message board…but i just needed to get it out.
sorry my typing is not good…i meant “but NOT in a creepy sexual way…”
i have just found this site and every story is just like mine. nice to c no1 judging u
annie
its a good and positive thing 2 talk about things you went thro…it can only help you
i have been seeing my mm for the past year.i have never in my life done anything like this before.I thought it would just be a physical thing and that it would disappear. Sadly i was wrong. I stupidly fell head over heels in love with him and now i’m stuck in limbo and see no way out.He tells me he’s never loved anyone the way he loves me but eveyday i find it harder and harder to believe him. I’m 24 and he’s 47. I’ve tried ending it loads of times but always end up going back to the exact same situation. He told me that he didnt think he could do that to his kids (he has three) coz they would never forgive him.i feel so trapped.i dont want to be with him full-time i like my independence too much but i do want more but deep down i know it not gonny happen.So where do i go from here,i’ve never loved anyone so much.
any advice ladies x
Hi Voice,
Im ok, and you are not an opiniated b**ch!
Im just having a hard time letting go of MM.
And GIA, I didnt get the job, found out last night.
Things not going too well for me, hope things are better for everyone else
Hi.
I’m 29, and have been TOW for nearly a year now (he is 30). At first we were co-workers, but I have left the firm 5 months ago. He has a wife and a 3 year old daughter.
At first, this situation was ok with me because I like having my independence, but now it bothers me that he is with her every night and I am alone. Seeing him once or twice a week for just a couple of hours is not enough. Also the thought that he makes loves to her makes me sad.
I love him, and he loves me, but he is reasonably ‘happy’ at home and I don’t think he is going to leave eventhough he has mentioned divorce a couple of times now (but I never respond, because I don’t want him to think I am pushing him in that direction).
What helps is to give myself a time limit: if this situation hasn’t changed by August, I am out. I’m sick of hoping (waiting) for him to call and to see him for only a few hours each week when she sees him every single night and weekends. I asked him how he would feel if I had another lover (to make up for the days that he can’t see me), and I was of course only joking but he says that he wouldn’t be able to cope with that. And yet I am supposed to cope with THIS??
When we are together we have the best of times and the thing is that I don’t want to be without that.
Goodluck and strength to all of you.
x
Kim (the same one that posted a message last July)
i am in the same situation and i believe if they were that happy they wouldn’t have sought us out they just not that unhappy in their marriage that they want to leave. its ok for them to have two lovers but the very thought of us entertaining the idea of someonelelse is too much for these mm. they got us right where they want us.plain and simple. so its up to us to put a stop to it. WE ARE ALL WORTH MUCH MORE THAN THIS SHIT X
Thank you for this site i really feel that i’m not alone anymore x
Is it an emotional affair if the significant other knows about the “friend”? My “friend” doesn’t hide me from his woman. He has told her about me and she is uneasy about the friendship, but allows him to continue to have it. She hasn’t asked him to stop communicating with me. Me and him are very much in an emotional affair. We talk just about every night until his cell phone dies. He doesn’t live with her by the way. If we don’t talk at night because I have to wake up in the am, he’ll call me from work. He told me that he has never felt this closeness so instantly with another woman. He said he told his woman that too! He has never lied to me, and I truly believe he has told her. They have been together for over 10 years and I know they have a strong bond because he will not have sex with me because he said they made an agreement that as long as he doesn’t have sex with me, he’s not cheating. But doesn’t loving someone else, giving a part of your heart to someone else cheating? Although we don’t have sex, we do kiss which is overstepping the boundaries. He claims he even told her that. I don’t know how she can be comfortable with this. I guess she trusts him so much and doesn’t think he will go anywhere. I on the other hand feel like if this continues with the intensity is has, he will have to make some serious decisions. But he doesn’t think he is cheating because he isn’t being deceitful. What do ya’ll think?
I want to add that when you are feeling confused and are not sure what you want/ where you want this to go, it might help to wonder about the following:
Imagine if he would leave his wife and be with you completely, would you even WANT to be with someone who you KNOW (for sure) is capable of cheating??
I am wondering about this right now. I love him very much, but wouldn’t it be stupid to want to build an actual ‘real’ relationship with him when I already know from the beginning that he is the type that would be unfaithful??
What just really annoys me about this whole situation is that I can never call or even text him when I want/need to. He can always call/email/text me whenever he wants, but never the other way around. For example, right now, I’d really like to call him and I can’t. That annoys me very, very much.
Also: I have a question for all of you. Does your MM take a shower or even freshen up before he goes home?? Mine doesn’t. He uses a babywipe, but that’s it. He smells of me, he tastes of me, and it really surprises me that she just doesn’t notice??? Isn’t that weird??
now you come to mention it he doesn’t take a shower. On the odd occasion he will use a wipe but thats very rare.you would think his wife would notice the difference. Women have a nose for these things. My take on it is that she does know she just doesn’t want to admit it. She’s quite happy to paint the picture that she has the perfect family and who can blame her? i don’t.
It pisses me off that i can’t contact him. If something happens i just have to wait til he contacts me. He has a fone thats just for me (god i feel special) no-one knows about it. I need to break away from him, for good but where do i start
And we don’t use condoms (I went on birth control just for him), and still she doesn’t seem to notice. I too think she knows. And I feel sorry for her. Yet still I’m taking part in this.
He often says that he wishes he had met me 10 years ago (before he met her) and how everything would be different now.
I agree with some of the posts I read above: if they really want to be with us, they WOULD be.
But they’re not…
I think mine is worried about all the drama involved with divorce, custody, the house, all that. But that just shows that he is not a strong man, so why would I even want him.
God it’s so confusing.
I dont use condoms he swears he would never cheat on me but what makes me so special, he’s been married over 20 years and he does it to his wife everyday. Does any other readers worry about they’re mm cheating on them? Sounds stupid doesn’t it?
Laura,
My MM’s wife told me that they don’t have sex anymore, and I don’t think he has time for anyone else, so I think I’m the only one, but I guess it’s just one of those things that can be difficult to tell. I suppose it comes down to how well you know them.
Take Care.
My MM also told me that I’m the only one for him and I trust him.
I don’t have to be on the pill because he had vasectomy long time ago.
Hey Ladies,
I know my situation isn’t quite the same as being involved with a MM,and because of that, I need some insight to it. My situation is #647. The big difference is I can talk to him all night, and anytime I want. But that also makes me wonder why he won’t just come over so we can talk in person. He has so much self control it makes me sick! He’s coming over after he gets off of work tonight to give me some money ( that he volunteered to give) for my daughter’s fifth birthday party. He know’s I’m not working and he is so giving. Those are the things he does that keeps me falling in love with him. He even bought me a sex toy because he’s not giving me any! He said everyone should self explore themselve to find out what makes them feel good. Oh how I wish he would let me have some sex!! But I think he knows more than me and that is why he is taking everything slow and not rushing into anything. I have to be patient. Any suggestions?
I think even if you are not having sex, because of the way he is acting, it is still a form of cheating. Even though they’ve been together a long time, the way he is tresting her isn’t fair. I think it’s perfectly understandable for her to be uneasy given the fact he is telling her about his closenes with you. I think in a situation like thia, put yurself in her place. Would you stand for it???
Take Care
And so the heartache begins. My mm told me last night that he is having to change his job which means i would see him less than i do now. I’ve told him that as much as i understand that he has to leave i have to end this. I feel like my heart is being ripped out but i know i have to be strong and stick to my word. If i carry on seeing him it will destroy me more than what it is now. I will be lucky to see him once a week if at all. Surely i’m worth more than that?
Thanks to you all for letting me vent my feelings.
Laura,
Yes you are worth more than that.
Did you know he was planning to change his job????
If you didn’t, then that should give you a clue as to how much consideration he has for you???
Take Care
VOR
I knew he was having trouble, his boss has been treating him quite bad. I just thought it would pass but his boss won’t let up. When he’s with me he sometimes cries at the way he has been treated so i can understand why he wants to leave, but i still cant be that woman that waits for his texts or gets a stolen hour here and there. I think its really selfish of him to expect me to. He tells me he,ll make time for me but it’s not enough. I’m sticking to my guns. I will not be that woman
I try to put myself in her shoes. He even asked me if I was his woman, how would I react to this situation. I was honest and told him if you came to me and told me that you felt strong feelings and closeness for another woman, I think that I would have to let you go so you can explore those feelings. If you are able to have feelings like that for her, it must be a reason. But I can’t just sit around and wonder how far it might go. In order to be fair to me and to you, I think you need to do this alone. And then he said but what if I told you that I wasn’t going to let it go that far and you have my word on that. I would still tell you that you need to be alone to do this so that you know for sure what it is you are feeling. If you hold back because of me, you’ll never know if she is suppose to be in your life or not. If our love is as strong as we think, it’ll be fine. But I don’t feel comfortable no matter how much I trust you. You don’t even know why you feel like this, so you can’t say for sure what will happen. And I can’t be selfish to hold you back from what might be your destiny. THAT IS WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WAS HER. But I think she really doesn’t understand the seriousness of our relationship, or else she would probably put preasure on him to leave me alone for the sake of their relationship.
Last night he told me he loves me. It wasn’t all romantic, and I think he meant he loves me the way your best friend would tell you they love you. But I’m not for sure. He won’t tell me anything that would seem inapropriate. He even jokingly said he has to stop kissing me. I told him he can’t go backwards and that he has spoiled me and it’s his fault. I told him he can’t do that to me, he’s teasing me enough, now you are trying to take back what little physical contact I can recieve. I don’t think so. I’m not having it. So we laughed and joked, and I told him good luck with that. We talked until 3:45am. We talk every night, all night. I guess I don’t get too lonely because although he isn’t in my pressence, I am still with him.
Waig9e,
Your situation seems very passive to me, and unless something major happens, I can’t really see anything changing in your favour.
Also whilst I respect what you say you would do in her shoes, I think your are in the minority. I don’t know many people that would let their partners have that kind of closeness with another person, let alone say go and explore the feelings it may be your destiny(just don’t see it). Maybe your guy needs to have a little bit more backbone and be honest with his g/f if she doesn’t know the extent of the his feelings for you. I’m also not quite sure if it’s a relationship you guys have. Seems to be more like friends with benefits to me. Difficult to gauge on here sometimes 🙂
Take Care
The way i see it is this. If your completely happy and content in your relationship/marriage you don’t look for anyone else because that person gives you everything you need. Thats how i define a relationship. As soon as i looked else where that’s when i would no that person was not fulfilling my needs and wants, therefore its time to move on. It sounds to me as if this guy is having his cake and eating it and his wife is encouraging this rediculous behaviour.
My mm told me he might have to change his job which meant i would see him less than i do now. I was completely straight and honest with him and told him i would not be seeing him if that was to happen..he’s not leaving his job instead he,s going to confront his boss. He had no clue that i was thinking that because he’s selfish and wrapped up in his own needs, he didn’t think i would have a problem with it! The moral of the story is be completely honest about your feelings and set some ground rules. WE ARE IN THIS TOO IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT THEM X
Thanx for letting me vent x
Hello, I have been reading your posts and I have to say I have been in your shoes. I met my MM when I was married as well and he was my boss. He was 25 years older than me. His older daughter was 1 year older than me. I was 27 when we met. 6 months into it my husband found out about it and my MM advice me to divorce so as not to give my husband reason to cause trouble. I don’t regret that at all, my marriage was disintegrating anyway. He told me that he would not leave his wife, because of what his 2 grown kids might think of him and because of all the material possessions he might lose in a divorce. I cried many times because of it, always waiting for him to call so we could do things after work. 3 years into it another girl at work accused MM of having an affair with her. He told me many times that she wanted him and that he was always trying to put her down easy so that she would not make trouble for us. I believed him. However, the company had a 0 tolerance policy on sexual harassment and felt that there was too much there for them to put up with and they fired MM. He was crushed. He had been in a very important position at that company for 30 years and all of a sudden, he was fired. The human resource guy and the security guard waited for him to empty his desk and escorted him to the door. He wanted to sue the company, but he felt that our relationship might come out. Imagine how hard it must have been for him to go home and tell his family what happened. He never did get another job. His wife owned a business so he got more involved in that. After 4 years I decided to go out more. I met another guy and he was single so I started to date him. I wasn’t that much into him so I was always set up our dates after my MM had to go home. MM found out about and started to cry and beg for me to dump the other guy. He asked me to give him 6 more months. I dumped the other guy and the 6 months came and went, then another 1 year, by that time we were “together” 5 1/2 years and one day out of the blue, I felt an urgency to go out one evening at a place I knew, somehow it was like someone was calling me there. I met someone that I knew, from that moment that was special. I gave him my number. I told myself that night that I was going to break up with my MM that very day so that I can give the new guy a fare chance as well as give myself a chance to have a normal relationship. I told MM that I had met this guy and that I wanted to date him. He did the crying again, but I told him 5 1/2 years were enough for him to know whether or not he wanted to be with me full time. He said he could not make any promises, so I told him we were over. Ladies, it’s hard to explain how I felt except to say it was easier that I thought. I started to date the other guy, we have been together 2 years now and we are engaged to be married this fall. My relationship with my MM thought me a lot about what I don’t want in a man anymore and in my life anymore. I don’t want to lie to the world, to be lied to and to cry anymore. I had gotten another job and it seems as my entire karma has changed for the better. My career is better that ever, I am making more money that I ever have, my fiancé has a good job, we travel internationally a few times each year and I do believe a lot of it has to do with being able to walk with your head held high, being able so socialize without having to pretend you are somehow single and just being overall stronger for experiencing it and getting out of it. I wish you all the best, but as my mother used to say to me, you can’t find Mr. Right until you drop Mr. Wrong. My best advise, don’t spend too much time in these relationships, you can never get this time back. The last thing you want is to look back on your life and think you spent your life waiting for his 1 hour here; one hour there and then all of a sudden you are old and undesirable to anyone anymore (maybe not even to him). If he is older than you and you spend a long time with him (10 – 20 years) and if something happens to him, you can’t even go to his funeral as part of the family, allowing yourself to grief in public. You will also not be even mentioned in his will. Everyone, even his cousin twice removed will be, but you will not. I told my MM one time that I felt like I was his dirty little secret. NEVER AGAIN!
Hi MMismyBoss,
I have been away for a week and a bit.
I’m sorry that you didn’t get the job you were after … I hope that something good comes your way soon.
Hope all are well & holding up well.
Gia xx
I don’t know where i am anymore. I don’t know whether i love this man or whether it’s just bad habit i really can’t quit. I don’t want him to leave his w and i never have and never will. I mean do i really want to be with a man who lies and cheats day in day out? I went through a period where i thought i wanted to be with him but the more i thought about it the more i realised if i was with him full time could i really trust him? The answer is no. So why am i continuing with this? Everytime i end it he bombards me with texts declaring his undying love and of course i take him back and begin the torture cycle once more. Where does it end? i have no-one to blame but myself. I knew he was married when i met him and i’m paying for my mistake and then some.
Hope everyone’s well. Thanks for letting me vent. Once again x
Laura,
You know what you have to do. And you will do it one day no matter what he says, and no matter how hurt you’ll be. One day you will get tired of getting walked on like a door mat. One day you will realize that you are worth more and not second best. And once you realize this, someone else will come and you will be able to let them in. Because right now you aren’t even open to let someone else in. No matter what remember that you have to ask yourself what are your intentions with him? What is his intentions with you? What do you want from him and are you happy with what you are getting? If not, then do what you’ve got to do. Change your cell phone number, the house number. Don’t answer the door if he comes by. You have to completely be unavailable to him. You have to keep telling yourself you are worth more and believe it. And believe this: You only have one life. And no matter how hard it is, it will pass. You are going THROUGH something, meaning there is another side. You will go THROUGH this and come out on another side. Eventually a happier side. A healthier side. You go THROUGH life and learn from your experiences. Look at this experience as a learning experience. Was is always a good one? Or were you in pain more often than pleasure? I believe you will get tired of him and all the bullshit he brings to your life and have the courage and strength to completely leave him alone. Good Luck! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
Laura, my MM used to do the same every time I was moving on he was always trying to bring me back thru manipulation. He would tell how much he loved me blah blah; he would cry and tell me stories of his father being a drunk when he was little. He would do anything to make me feel sorry for him, to love him to keep it going. I do believe the addiction is on both sides. He is also addicted to the affair, to the lies, to the drama, to the incredible hot sex with you, to that high he must be feeling too. Some guys need this duality in their lives. You are going to end it; it’s only a matter of time. Just think of yourself. When is the last time you felt truly happy? You are always in a state of depression ranging from mild (when he is with you) to severe (when he is away). An affair is like a drug, high in the beginning, but then more and more depressing, putting up with anything just for your next hit. That gives you a slight euphoria then your mood swings down. Take the band aid approach. One pull, it hurts like hell, and then it’s over. If he really loved you, no sacrifice would be too great, right?
well. i’m posting here because i guess like many others here i feel like i can’t talk to any of my friends about this. and i am just so sad.
i feel like the most stupid woman on the planet. why i got involved with a married man is beyond me. for anyone who is reading this site thinking about getting involved with one, like it might be fun for awhile or exciting, or maybe just to try it once and not see him again… believe me, it doesn’t work. i told myself those things too.
i never thought about being involved with someone married. i was on a ‘dating’ website. i’d been contacted by married guys before on there, and i either ignored them or told them to buzz off. i wasn’t the least bit interested. then ONE TIME, i got a message from a married guy, and out of curiousity i asked “why do you do this?” we chatted for awhile… and that was it. he’s smart and handsome and funny and sexy and i fell for him almost instantly.
i’m not sure if i fell in love with him right off the bat or what… that was over a year ago, and i’m still trying to tell myself i don’t love him.
i’ve never told him i love him. i don’t want to, he doesn’t say it to me… but i have told him i’d probably fall in love if we kept it up. sometimes i think he’s waiting for me to say it, but he really doesn’t say anything sweet or romantic to me very often, so i hold back.
but i didn’t hold back telling him how i felt when he pissed me off. i figured what the hell, i have nothing to lose? and i think i did it on purpose to push him away. i’m terrified of being involved with him long-term. he’s a good man and has two kids that he loves more than anything. but of course i get nothing. he’s not affectionate, even in text messages and emails and stuff. it’s not like he’s showering me with gifts or getaways or anything like that, and i wouldn’t really want him to because then i’d be hooked for sure.
so it’s all just been about passionate sex. we’ve only gotten together about 8-10 times in the last 15 months, but we’ve fought about 400 times. it’s weird. he says it’s not just sex, there’s something more than that between us. i long to hear him tell me he wants to be with me and he loves me… but i would never trust him in a regular relationship. he doesn’t want just me. he wants extracurricular activity that he doesn’t get in his marriage, and i know even if he was with me… he’d still want that. that’s not what i want.
we haven’t been together in awhile, and were supposedly trying to be “just friends” for now. that was my choice. i get completely low after he leaves and try to end it… but then i don’t want to NOT talk to him at all. so i asked him to try being friends. and today i blew it.
yesterday we had this chat where he said something really sweet … he told me he does have romantic feelings about me (not just sex). when i asked what he meant by romantic, he said he’d just like to be able to spend a whole day with me and not be rushed. then later in the chat, when i ask if his feelings have changed about extramarital activity since we stopped seeing each other, he says absolutely not and he wants to try to find a stripper to fulfill his needs for ‘occasional steamy times’.
so basically i could be replaced by a stripper. (sorry to any strippers out there.) anyway… i left it yesterday… but then i flipped later on. i just wanted to hear him say something nice, you know? so i sent him a bunch of texts and tried to ask him how he felt about me and don’t I LOOK NICE FOR YOU when you show up and i’ve picked out some hot lingerie? aren’t i enough for you??
anyway… today he was all pissed off because i sent him these texts while he was at home with his kids. he told me it’s tearing him apart. and now … it’s just over. he’s totally pulled away and i know it… and even though i know it’s for the best… it’s breaking me apart too. but i know i pushed him too far… and now i blew it for good. even though there was nothing to blow in the first place!!!
does that make any sense?? no. it doesn’t. it’s ridiculous. it’s the worst feeling in the world. i hope it subsides some by morning… thanks for this site and i’m sorry to rant so long… it’s just been so long since i’ve talked to anyone about this, i have one friend who i told about it, but she lives in another city…
and, you know, even a sympathetic understanding friend will only listen to this crap for so long. (like 10 minutes?) before they’re telling you to wise up. i would if someone would tell me how.
good night.
Mis,
I suppose thats the thing about friends, they try to be understanding, but when it’s a longer term thing, they can get a bit frazzled with it all and think the best thing is to say, come on get on with it, pull yourself together. To a degree they’re right of course…. 🙂
Whilst I can understand your reaction to being considered about as important as a stripper. You couldn’t of thought he’d be cool about you texting him at home. By doing that you’re directly threatening his family lidfe.
I know this may sound obvious, but i think basically by finding out what you are to him, it’s hurt your feelings. You’re a stop gap for when he’s up for it and his wife don’t wanna know.
Either way, there’s nothing meaningful in this for you. he sounds very selfish and not very considerate of how you feel, maybe if you have pushed him too far, it’s going to be a good thing in you trying to move on.
Take Care
WALG9E
KARINA
Thank you for your kind words. I think you both are absolutely right. This is coming to and end. There are more bad times now than there are good. I’m putting my life on hold for a man who is giving me crumbs of his time and attention. I really think he thinks i’m going to be waiting here forever. He probably needs me more than i need him. He’s told me i am his rock well i’m getting a little fed up of being someones leaning post. I know it will be the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Thank-you again for your words of wisdom. I’ll keep you posted. Take care x
Miserable,
I can really sympathize with you. I think I have had all of those same thoughts at one time or another. It’s really hard to accept that the one thing I think they were/are after is the sex. It may seem like the most passionate sex ever but after they shower/leave it feels like we’re just the prostitute. I think by us allowing them to do this over and over it gives them the sense that it is ok with us. Then when we argue or push them, they immediately pull back. It is not an emotional relationship to them. If it were, their conscience would bother them about how they are treating us and also their w.
I think it becomes something of an addiction to us. We think we love and want them but is it because we can’t have them on a full time basis. Honestly, we probably have all seen glimpses of their personality that we would not care for if they were our permanent boyfriend.
I don’t know. I have asked myself so many questions over the last 3 years and still don’t have the answers. You’re right about the girlfriend thing. In the beginning, my friends were all completely supportive and telling me that he was taking advantage, etc. etc. But now, I can’t even mention that I’ve had contact with him or they would just roll their eyes at me. That’s how pathetic it is.
Hang in there
I think most MM’s are very good at manipulation, whether it’s deliberate or not. My MM tells me he won’t share me with anyone else, cos I’m too ‘important’ to him. Him saying this makes me think that I can’t even look for anyone else, cos as soon as I do it’s gonna be over.
Take Care
I don’t know how to start telling my story.
I just don’t know why I can’t let go of him.
HB,
Just talk it through, thats what we’re here for
Take Care
hey robin, thanks. i appreciate the reply and knowing i’m not alone. not sure i want to hang in there. it’s too freakin’ hard. but i wish you and all the ladies out there the best. we all deserve more… 🙂 (not as miserable today)
I am seriously considering being with him fulltime. The thing is: if he really does leave his wife (and child) and moves in with me and it doesn’t work out (I like having my own space, not sure if/how I could cope with him being around me 24/7) he will be left with nothing. I’m not sure I want him to take that risk. Does this make sense to anyone??
I do miss him terribly when he is gone (we see each other about 3 times a week, he comes to my place) and I think we’re both ready for that next step but it’s going to be so much drama with the wife and the divorce etc.
Me ending it with him is not an option, BECAUSE I have started realising that he might be the one… And you should not let go of the one when you finally find him… Right??
Kim,
It makes perfect sense, it’s a huge leap to make, especially if you are very independent. If you both think you belong together, maybe it is worth taking the risk, I suppose it comes down to how well you think you know him, all his habits and things that might get on your nerves etc etc.
Good Luck
VOR – thanks.
It’s obviously not going to happen overnight, but I’m glad that you say it’s worth taking the risk. (It’s good to hear someone elses opinion on this, since I don’t talk about this subject to my friends, same as I guess most of you).
I feel sad about his wife (I don’t want to be the one to break up a family and ‘steal’ someone else’s man), but I see it like this: their relationship obviously isn’t working so I’m actually doing her a favour because she is living an illusion (thinking their marriage is ok) because once they’re divorced she will be able to find someone that really is right for her.
VOR – as for the habits etc, that is why I suggested to him that we should at least go on holiday or something similar first before making that huge decision of him moving in with me (and leaving her), because that’s when you can really get to know someone. But there is no way for us to do that without her finding out (he doesn’t have business trips, and even if he did she would find out because she knows his work people etc).
So unfortunately that’s not an option.
We don’t know each other in the ‘living together’ way… The guy hasn’t even seen me without make up yet… :s
Kim, I don’t think he is “the one”. We, humans, have created this notion, but I remember one of my sociology classes in college, that said that basically every one of us is compatible with 267 other people. Imagine that, any one of these 267 people would make us happy. That is why people still find other people when they break up or divorce. Don’t settle for a whole lot less than you deserve thinking it’s the only option you have. Get out and you will do better. I have. Being with a MM is depressing. It will twist your mind to the point of not believing in your value and your worth anymore. When I was with my MM, I would get hit on by some many men, but I felt that I had to be faithful to MM. Think about it, being faithful to a (known) cheater. Get out, you life will be better because of it.
KIM
I’m like you. I like my own independence, i like the fact i don’t have to answer to anyone/compramise etc.etc. The thought of him living with me scares the crap out of me but what i would like is for him to have his own place,his independence etc. just to see how it goes. Remember we only get the good side of them. We don’t get the moody/messy/annoying habits etc etc side. It’s a really big gamble but if you think it’s worth the risk then go for it. Go on your gut instinct and you can’t go wrong.
GOOD LUCK.X
hey ive just become the other woman! for months a guy had been chasing me and due to the fact he had a girlfriend and a reputation plus a child!i was basically saying get lost on a weekly basis! a drunk new year meant a drunk kiss for me and him i was still not interested after that but he was we ended up fallin out for two and a half months and bearing in mind we work together things were awkward- we eventually explained our own sides of things and ended up kissing again in our staffroom and thats when it started i was lonely he convinced me that he really likes me and he wont play me one and a half weeks later he’s finishin early from work to see me and have sex comin back with me after work for an hour for sex and then gettin back home! and at first i had the power he was soo into me and i was playin it cool then all of a sudden boom i fell head over heels now i’m jelous and worried i’m not the only other woman he’s said i love u and i have to because i truly do but it scares me to think just maybe every word he utters to me is a lie he reckons things havent been right for a long time but i dunno and ive gone a bit nutty and i dont wanna share him and have to wait for any text or phone call he has 2 minutes to send my way but whats the alternative lonely and miserable the man i love is gone completely i’m stuck and i hate it why i let it get this far i dunno! if any1 can help me out with info and advice i’d really appreciate it x x x x
BNOW
You must ask yourself if all your worth is a crappy 2mins of his precious time. That answer is no. Your worth so much more. You have to realise this before you get in any deeper. Yes you will feel like shit for a while if you end it but you will get over it.What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. He doesn’t deserve you. YOU’RE WORTH SO MUCH MORE x
TAKE CARE KEEP ME POSTED X
And just to add. i’ve been with my mm for a year and if i knew i would feel like this now i would have bailed. None of us deserve this but the deeper and longer you continue the harder it is to get out of. Take it from me x
My friend told me that he can’t entertain the thought of having a future with me because he has a woman. And that our relationship has to naturally unfold without the influence of him wanting it to be more. I understand where he is coming from. I just want him to say, ” I want you in my life forever.” But instead I get,”You mean a lot to me. You make me happy and give me joy and I thought I did the same for you, but I guess you are feeling more pain.” He told me that our timing is off just a bit, and he can’t tell me that he wants it to be on time. He told me that because I have entertained the thought of us being together, and realizing that we can’t, it causes pain and dissapointment. I told him that I can handle not having all of him now. That isn’t what is making me hurt. It’s the fact that he can’t tell me that he wants me as his woman in his life in the future. He can’t give me some reassurance that one day it will happen. And that he doesn’t even think about it. That is what hurts. I understand that he wants it to happen naturally so that it will be honest and true and not altered by emotions and driven by the will for it to happen. I get that and in a sense I appreciate it because if one day he does tell me he wants me in his life as his woman, it will be because he has grown to be in love with and it was because it naturally happened as opposed to influenced to happen or willed to happen. It’s some what sweet but it also hurts.
He said that if I did find someone to love me the way I deserve to be loved, and his relationship failed, he would tell me and not expect anything to unfold. He wouldn’t expect me to leave my man for him. But as for right now, we aren’t at the same time and same place for it to happen. Basically he hasn’t felt like he wants to leave his woman. His love for me hasn’t gotten to that point where he needs to make a decision. And he doesn’t know if it will because he isn’t even entertaining that thought. That’s what is so sad about the situation. He wants me in his life, just as it is, he doesn’t want me not in his life and if I were to decide not to be in his life, he would hurt and be sad, but would respect my decision and hope that our bond is strong enough to last throughout time so that if and when we reunite, we will pick up where we left off. And it would seem as though we just talked the day before even though it might have been years in between. So my question to you all is, what am I to do? How can I continue being in his life the way I am and not continue to develop feelings? How can I draw the line when I have already crossed it? My spirits are very low now because the hope I once had is gone. I don’t know what to do. I asked him and then his phone lost it’s signal because he was walking into the basement at his job. Any suggestions?
Walg9e
Sorry, but the guy sounds like an idiot, Just seems to me like he is keeping his options open, How selfish is it to think that you can leave a guy for him, but you’re not ‘right on time’ for him to be able to do the same.
I think you’re wasting your time. The guy doesn’t seem to want to take things anywhere with you. maybe as you say it will happen that way eventually, but to be honest unless you give him some kind of ultimatum, then he has no reason to change, does he???
Take care
hey voice of reason, thanks for your reply to my post. i missed it yesterday, i only saw robin’s. you are right, i know i don’t mean much to him.
he can be sweet sometimes and in some ways he has been very patient putting up with me getting pissed at him. i knew i was being a bit of a brat by texting him at home. but yes, he is selfish and i know i’d be better off out of it.
anyway… i came across this yesterday, an excerpt from a longer article. i’m posting the link, and the portion that was written for the “other” person in the affair. for anyone who’s looking for a way out, i thought this had some good advice. i know whenever i just try to cut it off, i end up feeling like shit. but maybe this is a good way to get out gradually.
one more thing, for BNOW up there… go back and read my original post a few days ago. believe me, don’t get in deeper, stop now. trust me.
good luck, ladies.
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/affairs.htm
So what can you do if you’re having an affair with a married lover and you know the situation is hopeless, but you still haven’t the strength to break away?
My best suggestion is that you ask yourself this question: ‘Do I want to be in this relationship more than I want to be out of it?’
Think about it before making your decision. The chances are that at this stage you will answer ‘yes’.
However, something interesting will happen after you ask yourself this question. For the first time, maybe for years, you will have put yourself in control of the situation. You will be able to say that you have chosen to be in the relationship – for now. And that’s very significant.
You see, often in these situations we say that we’re powerless to deal with them. We claim that we’ve been swept away and that everything is beyond our control. But this isn’t the case for you. You’ve asked yourself if you want to be in the relationship more than you want to be without it and you have said ‘yes’. You’ve made a decision. You’ve taken control.
Interestingly, now you have taken responsibility for the affair, you may feel you can start to take control in other ways. Maybe you’ll stop hanging around all the time, just in case your lover happens by. Maybe you’ll choose to see more of your friends. Maybe you’ll start questioning whether you’re being properly appreciated in this relationship and whether or not you deserve something rather better.
Just see where your thoughts take you.
Then, one month after you first asked yourself the question about whether or not you still want to be in the relationship, you should ask it of yourself again. And carry on doing this every month, without fail.
My experience is that once people take responsibility for the predicament that they’re in, they start looking at it more carefully and they often realise that they don’t like what they see. And one day when they ask the question, they are able to say: ‘No. I don’t want to be in this relationship more than I want to be out of it.’ And then they can move on.
Last night I told him that I finally got it, and that everything boils down to this: You have a woman.” And that he is not willing to put his relationship on the line because of his feelings for me. If his relationship is to end, he wants it to naturally unfold because of other things. I told him he wants his cake and eat it too. I told him he was afraid of the unknown. He doesn’t want to end it and then we don’t work out. I told him that I have complete faith that we will not fail. I told him that I understood he is scared and the safe way to go is to let it unfold naturally. That’s very safe so that you won’t be the bad guy. I continued to say that you have hurt me. No matter what you say, how you try to sugar coat it, you have. And you are continuing to. I went on and on checking him on the ridiculous things he has told me and he couldn’t do anything but agree. I told him that we are from now on only friends, not ridiculous friends and lovers. For now on there will be no more I miss you, no more I was thinking about you, no more I wish I could see you, no more anything that is romantic or sexual. Strictly friends. I went on to say that I can no longer just be myself, I have to withhold from you now, I have to watch what I say and I wish you would do the same. I don’t want to hear anything romantic, or sexual. I told him, I don’t know how our conversations can be of any interest once those factors are out of it. They will be sort of dull.
Then I went on telling him that I am willing to accept the way things are now if I had some sort of reassurance that he is at least leaning towards us. Give me something. And when he told me he can’t entertain that thought, that just let me know that he doesn’t even want to think about leaving his woman. So what am I here for? He told me that I really mean a lot to him. And how I bring happiness and joy to him. And he wants me in his life. He said that if you ask the question DOES he see himself with me in the future, he can’t entertain that thought because that is insinuating that that is going to happen. BUT if you ask CAN he see himself with me, then the answer would be of course. He CAN see himself with me. I told him that he is sending me mixed signals. He tells me that he can’t entertain the thought of him and I being together, but then he tells me that it would be best to let his relationship naturally unfold as if it is going to do that sometime soon and I should be a little more patient and wait. So I told him I know you think it would be unfair for you to ask me to wait until it naturally unfolds, but this whole situation is unfair. So if you want me to wait you need to ask me. I told him that I have met someone and it wouldn’t be fair to him if I am still waiting on you. Now what if you tell me your relationship is over? What if this man falls in love with me or really likes me? How is it fair to him? You are who I want, and if I’m not in love with him, I’ll leave him for you. So now I can’t even really get involved with someone else because I’ll be subliminally waiting for you. Then he said I should be honest with him and let him know what my situation is. I said you sound real stupid! What man is going to want to put his time and energy and feelings into someone who is waiting for someone else? I would feel real guilty hurting someones feelings. So now I have to make a decision as to whether I should get to know him and risk not having you because I feel that if I don’t keep talking to you and being active in your life, you’ll think that I have moved on and then you won’t leave her.
Anyway, we went on and on and his phone beeped because the battery was getting low and we only have 10-15 minutes left to talk. I told him he’d better tell me something before the phone cuts off. He then told me that he really cares for me and I mean a lot to him and then he asked if I could wait to see if his relationship will naturally unfold? I told him I will think about it. I told him I am the one having to make decisions, I have to be the one to suffer. He tried to reassure me that I won’t have to make the decision on my own. Then the phone went dead. I thought about things and then I called and left him a message saying that I would be willing to wait IF he tells me whether or not his relationship is stronger, the same, or weaker than it was before we met. Because by answering that question, I will know which direction your relationship is going, and that will be the reassurance I need. He hasn’t called me today. He usually will call on his way to work, or before work, or at work by now, but he hasn’t.
In the meantime, I went to see the gentleman I was talking about before, and he is very attractive to me and I feel a sexual attraction. He wants a relationship, and believes communication is the best way to keep a relationship. I can see myself getting to know him. I should get to know him. I just don’t want to start something that I can’t follow through with because of you know who. I know I should go on and forget about him. If he chooses to allow me to stray away, that’s his lost. BUT I know in my heart that he is my soulmate. The true one I should be with. But If he can’t make a decision, then I need to move on. I’ll just take it slow with this gentleman and tell him I can’t rush into anything. That’s a good way to not tell him about my situation, but also to let him know to hold back his feelings and expectations.
I don’t know why he hasn’t called me. Is he trying to give us some space so he can think clearly? Is he trying to save his relationship and pushing me away? Am I just freaking out? Maybe he was too busy earlier today? I’m sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent.
I have seriously been thinking about my situation recently and asking myself the same questions. Here are my answers. I don’t want him to leave his w. I no longer want to put my life on hold for a man who quite frankly doesn’t know how good he has got it. There are now more bad times than there are good. So the last remaining question that goes unanswered is why am i still with him? is it love, addiction, habit. Coz they’re like a drug, you may not know it at the time but once you have first hit you’re well and truly hooked x
I’ve got a question for all of you. Does your mm know about this site and the things we talk about?
WALG9e
To be perfectly honest with you i think this guy has not contacted you on purpose because he thinks by rejecting you, you will be putty in his hands by the time he finally contacts you. Does that make sense? i know this because my mm done it to me. He admitted he done solely for that purpose and it worked i was going out of my mind trying to get him to contact me. I’m glad you were honest with him and by the look of things he has taken you seriously. I know how hard it is but you’ve taken the first steps to freeing yourself from him. Ask yourself, are you really prepared to wait months,years decades even for this man. I think your worth a whole lot more than that. Stick to your guns, go out with this other guy, just take it easy and see where it goes.
I hope i was a little help to you.
TAKE CARE AND GOOD LUCK X
thanks Laura! He called me about 30 min. ago from work with this whole new attitude about it not being fair for me to wait on him. I guess he thought about his selfish act last night and contemplated to himself and realized that he knows his relationship is fine and he’s not going anywhere no time soon. I asked him was it the same, better, or worse than before I came into his life. He told me it was the same. So that told me not to wait. He is full of shit!!!!
He contradicts himself and tries to “Be fair” to everyone involved. But who is the one getting hurt? Who is the one who’s going to suffer? ME!!!
He should have never explored his feelings knowing he was taken!!! Now I am mad as hell. Because all this shit could have been avoided if he would have backed off from the beginning. But that is a man for you. They don’t think what they are doing is wrong. They always find a way to make it seem ok. I have to erase his # from my phone because I will constantly want to call him at night when I can’t sleep. That will be one of the hardest things to do. He can call me, but I won’t call him.
I asked him a few nights ago if he has someone who he considered the one he let get away. He told me yes. I asked looking back now, would he change his decision so he could have been with her? That day he said yes. Today it was a totally different story. I tell you. He is full of it! Fuck him. I’m out. I deserve better. I’d rather be alone than getting the short end of the stick. Hell we ain’t even fucking! What the hell am trippin for? I’ll find someone who will make me happy. If it’s not this guy who I just met, it’ll be someone. I have faith.
walg9e…
Remember, if not him, someone better.
I assure you there is someone better for you.
He’s talking to his wife this week. I don’t know what he’s saying. He’s talking about their relationship, to see where they can go with it. I have to stay out of it. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, to stay silent, not contacting him. I have to leave him and his wife to try and sort things out, but it’s so hard not knowing what’s going on, and not being able to give him any support. The best thing for him and his family would be for them to reconcile, but that’s not the best for me….that’s what’s so painful. Knowing that my desires are the least important thing in all this.
Laura: no my mm doesn’t know about this site. He does know that I have told some friends about him (and how they feel, which is a lot of disapporoval).
I’m like you, I love my independence and wouldn’t want to give up all the space that I have now. But at the same time it’s really starting to get to me that he is with her so much. Next month, they are going to go on holiday together, 2 week to this really nice all-inclusive resort at the beach. It annoys me that I can NEVER do anything like that with him.
Sorry if I am repeating myself. I guess we’re all pretty much in the same situation.
When you say that you don’t know what it is exactly that you feel (love, addiction, etc), I agree. I’m not sure either. I do love him, and I have never felt this good with anyone (I’m 29 and divorced) but I also think that sexual attraction has a lot to do with it and MAYBE it’s also that we just naturally want what we can’t have???
Am going to stop stressing about it so much for the next month or so (I have a deadline that I need to focus on) and after that I will make a decision. Either to really fully ‘go for it’ (if he would still want to and is not just saying it), or end it. Because one thing is for sure, it can not go on like THIS.
(sorry – spelling sucks, typing too fast)
Rosebud: I wish you a lot of strength. You are very strong, and you will get through this no matter what the outcome of his talks with the w.
KIM
That must be torture for you. I dread the day he comes and tells me he’s going on holiday with her. I’ve never been away one night with him. Want to hear something crazy? We’ve been seeing each other for a year and he’s never once saw me eat anything it’s madness!.
i’ve never had such a good physical relationship before. That what going to be hard about letting go, we’ve got such a connection that way but i have to ask myself if that is going to be enough. I really don’t think so, theres more to a relatonship than sex. Just wish we could do normal things together but it’s never going to happen, so theres no point wishing.
You should try and focus on your work as much as possible. Do anything you can to distract you for the next two weeks. Fill up your days as much as possible. If you don’t you’ll drive yourself crazy. Good luck and take care of yourself x
Hi Kim,
thanks for that. How unbearable for you that your friends are judgmental. The friends who know are supportive of me, to my surprise. Without that, it would be terrible and very hard.
I erased his cell phone# out of my phone!!!! It was a bit liberating at that moment and I knew I had to do it because I would call him tonight if I didn’t. Like I just called his job, but he was out of the room. I don’t know if his coworker will remember to give him the message, but if she does, he’ll call back. I was doing so well. It’s at night when I really get set back because we have been talking every night for the past month or two. I get lonely and I’m up and I know he’s up, so I’ll call. But now I don’t have his # any more and I deliberately didn’t rememerize it.
I’ll find any excuse to call him even at work. I want him to know I don’t have his cell phone# any more, so it’s all on him if he wants to talk to me. That’s what I want him to know because I don’t want him to think, I’m not calling him on purpose. But we’ll see if he calls me back or not. In the meantime, I have met someone else, but I think I pushed myself on him trying to forget about my TM(taken man). He hasn’t called me back since this morning. I could be over analizing things and he could just be busy, but that’s just the way I am.
Yesterday,me and the TM talked while he was at work. He hadn’t called all day until then and it was 8pm. I think we both basically said we need to pull back. He didn’t call me last night either. He calls me every night. That hurt. I was on the phone with my new friend, hoping my TM would call me so I could tell him I’m on the other line, but he never did. He didn’t even call me in the middle of the night. That’s what is hurting, that he can actually follow through with pulling back like it’s no big deal. Is he feeling like me? Is he wanting to call me like I’m wanting to call him. Is it torture for him like it is for me? I need to know because I don’t want to be the only one feeling like this!
Oh how I wish his relationship will “naturally unfold” soon! But since they’ve been together for over 10 years and the relationship is the same as before me and him became friends, I feel hopeless. That also hurts knowing that nothing is wrong with his relationship. That’s why I needed to erase his number and let him go. His relationship isn’t dying down. Therefore I’ll just be waisting my time waiting. It’s fucked up. How in the hell do we get ourselves in these situations!!! We know better. We know we are the ones who will get hurt. We know they aren’t going anywhere. But we still do it.
I know I’m addicted to him. We aren’t even having sex!! And I am going crazy. I can’t even imagine if we were sexually active. I think I would really lose my mind.
I guess I thought that since he’s not married, they don’t live together and they don’t have any kids together, it would be easy for him to leave. I wish he was married, because then I could have a good reason to give up. Ya’ll have good reasons to give up. I can’t say he needs to be with his kids, or he needs to work things out with his wife to make sure they are through. And that hurts too because I realize that he must really love the hell out of his woman because he isn’t even “entertaining the thought” of being with me, falling in love with me, or seeing himself with me in the future.
But oh how I miss him already and it’s only been a day. I’ll get better day by day.
Walg9e
I completely understand what you’re going through. Even though you don’t think it, you’re doing great. The first few days are the hardest to get over, but each day you’ll grow a little stronger and realise you’re worth so much more. He’s been really honest with you and you will look back on this in the weeks/months to come and be glad that he was
Try doing something at night that occupies your mind, reading/bath/cleaning, do anything to distract you.
There is a good reason why you should give up on him and the reason is you. This torture that you and all of us go through is damaging both mentally and physically. We all deserve to be loved, cherished and appreciated by one person who wants to devote all their time and attention to us, we don’t deserve the scraps of them.
Take Care of yourself. You’re doing great x
Walg9e,
It does get better, I think you’ll surprise yourself by just how strong you can be.
Take Care
He text me and said sending you a hug I’ll call you Sunday. Well, I’m waiting on my new friend to come over and break me off a lil somethin somethin. I’m a bit tipsy and horny and I know this dude doesn’t deserve me, but what the hell. I’ll use condoms and I just want to fuck somebody. I know I’m wrong for doing it, but I’m mad at my TM and whatever. I’m going to enjoy myself.
Walg9e,
While I understand your frustration, be careful you don’t end up treating your new friend badly. He doesn’t deserve to be used as a stop gap.
Take Care
yeah, I understand where you are coming from. But I look at it like this, I don’t know how far this new guy is willing to go. He says he wants a relationship, and so do I. He came over and we did it. It was good. And I actually woke up thinking of him. We have a pretty good understanding of the sex issue. I don’t think he wants to hit it and forget it, but just in case he does, my feelings aren’t all invested in him right now anyway. But as soon as I quit thinking of him, I thought of my TM. I’m waiting for him to call me sometime today. I have his # again and I can’t erase it yet. I don’t know if I should tell him how I really feel(depressed, sick, needy, lonely, sad, etc,etc.). Or if I should tell him I’m doing better than I thought I would. I guess I’ll be honest. I’ve never lied to him about my feelings. We’ll just see what happens. In the meantime, I’m waiting for both men to call me.
Walg9e,
Do you think telling him how you feel will change his outlook on things? It doesn’t seem that way from your previous posts, I think it’s one of the worse things in the world to pour your heart out to someone, and have them not say it back. If you and your new guy want to work on a relationship, then why not go for it. Forget about Mr Unavailable, and see if you can get the life you deserve with your new guy.
Take Care
Hello Ladies!
Sorry I had to disappear. I had a family member stay with me for awhile and we were sharing a computer:). I’m trying to catch up with everyone and hoping to read through all the posts by tomorrow. Wow, some of your names are really depressing:), say it ain’t that bad:)!
kristi
Hi Kristi,
Good to hear from you, hope life is treating you well??
Take Care
hey everyone,
i just wanted to give you an update and maybe i can give some of you hope because sometimes it can work out.
he has been amazing. it has been a month since i decided to give him another chance and it has been so wonderful. at first i was constantly asking him questions and not trusting him, but now i am really starting to. he has told his whole family about me and how he feels about me and they have all excepted it. lucky for me none of them liked her anyway. i even went to lunch with his brother. everything has just been amazing.
the divorce is already filed and moving along and i think the annulment will closely follow. he is letting her have pretty much whatever she wants. i just want it to be over with. anyway i can’t say that i know it will work out for us but i can honestly say that if it doesn’t it will have nothing to do with her. right now everything is perfect.
i hope things work out for all of you. thank you for all of your support. it would have been so much harder without you.
good luck 🙂
Mary M,
Thats so great, I’m really pleased for you. I know it took a lot to get there.
Hope you have a great time together.
Good Luck.
Hi Voice,
The thing that bothers me with my MM is that he says things to me like: I am quoting his exact words “If I did ever leave my wife I would take you with me.” and he talks about us renting a boat, going on picnics, taking me quadding because he has quads. We never did one of those things. There is a list of things he says to me which confuses me. That is not right to do to anyone. Thanks for listening
Mary
Hi Mary L,
Good to hear from you too…….
What can I say…….. he’s a jerk!!! Ok I know thats a sweeping statement considering I don’t even know him, but he’s so wrong for treating you this way. What he’s doing is very manipulative. As for his quote ‘If I did ever leave’ IF?? He shouldn’t be saying that kind of thing to you, it’s just cruel, it makes it seem like there’s a chance he will. I’ve never liked guys that promise things like you’ve mentioned when they clearly have no intention whatsoever to follow through.
The man’s a coward. Sorry if that’s harsh, but he is. You deserve so much better.
Take Care
Hi Mary M,
Just logged on because I was thinking about you and wondering what you are up to!
Couldnt be happier for you. You are proof that things work out for the best sometimes. I wish you and he all the very best.
THings still pretty bad with me but I dont want to get into it.
Good luck Mary M. I hope he turns out to be everything that you hoped for.
Keep us updated.
Mary M
I am really really happy for you..every once in a while wishes and dreams do come true I guess 🙂
As for my story (which is very similar to post nr 688) it’s turned even more disappointing.
After the past weeks/months of him saying he’s really going to do something about his situation, their cat, which was like a child to them for the past 7 years, died some days ago. I know it almost sounds funny, but I’m not laughing at all….because of this event his wife really broke down and is miserable and sad, and he told me that he is feeling really sorry for her and can’t think of making any decisions for now. I had said in my first post that she is very carerr-minded and spends most of her time at work, so he wants time to see if she will go back to her old ways and then he will start feeling resentful of her again and make a move. I told him if you are being nice to each other again, she will definitely want more than ‘friendly’ support eventually and then what happens?? He said then he’ll have to bring up the subject of splitting up again, cos he can’t see himself going back to a ‘normal’ married life with her again.
So, right now, I have backed off completely. It hasn’t been long, and only in the past 3 days have I decided to do this. He said he wants time and space to see the outcome of all this, and whilst it’s killing me inside to cut off all contact, I guess this is the only way that I can protect myself, although I feel so hopeless and helpless right now. And maybe, if the worst comes to worst, I’ll be prepared for a final break if that’s what’s meant to be…..
Take care xx
thankyou laura well its been ended now i told him not to text or ring me and ive deleted all trace of his number and this weekend i blanked him at work! however this just makes him more keen and i told him that i’m chasing no-one and that from now on i am waiting to be swept off my feet by someone that really loves me and wants to be with me! this is all good at the moment but he is so hot and i do love him and if he gets me by myself i know i’m gonna give in to his cheeky charm and very sexy body god its so hard taking the moral highground i miss him its not good! ignorance is key tho if i ignore him for long enough hopefully one of us will forget about the other!
waiting! do you think he’s buying time with the whole cat thing or that its a cover up for him wanting to be closer to his wife again or that is he genuinely feeling guilty? x
I need someone to talk to and lash out at. My guys is driving me crazy. I wrote once before on my situation. I was married for 17 years to my high school sweetheart. He was mean some times and well it came down to I just didnt feel the love anymore and was unsure if I should stay or go. I met a great man, (married) and we began seeing each other. Hubby found out, threw me out, took my children and threw all our possesions and belongings away, (even the kids pets). I moved from OH to NC ( to be with my parents). My MM stood by me this whole time, helping me cope, helping with things for the kids, meeting my kids. Just a great guy. I love him very much and in my 17 years of marriage, never felt such strong feelings.. now My MMs story,he lives in MD, hes been married for 20 years, 2 teenage boys (who by chance has found out about me) his wife is an alcoholic, frigid to him, and hasnt had any intimacy with him for at least the last 10 years, he wants out, but doesnt want to hurt his kids (if they know, then whats the problem). Last week my X called me just ripping me a new one and saying alot of hurtful nasty things so my MM had me come to MD to be with someone loving and to get spoiled a bit. It was a great time, but come Friday, he dumps me and drives away.. but now hes talking to me and trying to decided who he wants… See he has given her altimatums for months, stop drinking or i leave, work on intimacy or i leave, so any time she is nice to him, he thinks their marriage can work, or any time she says she will dry out , it lasts for a day and bamm shes drunk again.. 6 months of ultimatums and he cant leave.. But all he can say to me is, im the love of his life, no man would choose her over me, he thinks im special and wants a future with me, but just not right now. I have taken this at least once a month from him, leave me , come back to me, and i can only take so much
Yesterday, i got the first good news of my future, i got a nursing job and a house on the same day. I get full custody of my children and child support from the X. I have all this good news and he has become such a downer, i cant be happy for myself..to hear my kids excitement felt so good, to sit there last nite and listen to him talk, about how he loves her and he loves me more, how he wants to help and give my kids all they need, its no longer a rollercoaster ride, its more like a tornado. And i have no one to really talk to about it. I swear between him and my X, they are plotting together to drive me insane
I was afraid to even write here, i know this whole thing sounds crazy and its hard to believe. Sometimes i cant believe im even in this relationship, but when we are together, it is the happyiest i can be.. do I wait for him to make up his mind, to only hurt me more.
Deb,
You sounded REALLY happy just now talking about your new job, your house and your kids. That’s what’s important in the big picture. Not this MM who is playing with your feelings.
I can’t imagine a man wanting to stay with an alcoholic under any circumstances if he has found the love of his life (you). Maybe if you cut off contact for awhile and enjoy rebuilding your life, who knows?
Take care
Deb,
The problem with ultimatums is they only work if the person delivering them is prepared to stick by them, if he doesn’t then his wife knows he probably isn’t going anywhere too soon.
Congratulations on all your good news, the job and everything sounds like a good stepping stone to get on with your life. I agree with Robin, maybe cuts the ties for at least a while and see what life has in store for you.
Take Care
Hi brand new other woman…
I do believe that he does want to get out, because if it hasn’t been working for the past 2-3 years it’s not going to work now either. This may be a setback, and I am willing to wait a while (I gave myself a personal cutoff but haven’t told him when that is). He knows I will NOT wait forever, and he sees how popular I am with other guys at work and other places (please don’t think I’m being big-headed, it’s just the truth!) But I do want to give this thing a reasonable chance and therefore am prepared to wait and see what happens over the next weeks. Meanwhile, I am really making an effort at living my life and enjoying it with friends and family and he knows that too…and time will tell as with everything else.
Take care xx
I was reading a book this weekend (fiction) but there was a MM having an affair in it and it had gone on for some time (over a year) and he suddenly wanted to break it off. The OW in the book said I don’t understand, you said you loved me. His response was that when he was with her he thought about his wife and children, and when he was with them, he thought about her. He could never fully invest in either situation.
If any of you have not been on the sister site to this one called “How to break up with a married man”, there has been a few posts from an actual MM named Neruda. He basically has said the same things. He knew that he would miss the W if he went with the OW and if he stayed with the W, he would miss us.
I think what we fail to see (blindly of course) is that these MM are initially attracted to us to fulfill a missing need in them. Whether it is physical or emotional, they find it in us. When that relationship starts to grow though, they are unprepared to deal with the decisions and ultimately just put it off. Either they want us to end it or maybe even subconsciously want their wives to find out. I don’t know. I actually had my exMM in the beginning say he wishes his W would just find someone else.
In any event, once the affair has grown with feelings and complications, there is just no way it can continue without someone getting hurt. And guess who 98% of the time ends up getting hurt. You guessed it. US!
I have thought about giving up all contact, but I find it so hard, because I do love him so much and it does feel like a forever kind of love. I see him for a few days every 3 weeks, and each time I do, its like i fall in love with him even more. All i have to do is look in his eyes and I know he loves me. I know he needs me during this time of such doubt. He has no good friends to confide in, and i have also became his best friend as well as lover. So, Its hard to want to push his feelings away, or not be here for him if he does get down and need to talk. I would say he probably talks to her about 10-20 minutes a day.. while he calls me in the morning, at lunch, at the end of the work day and then talks to me online for about 2-3 hours a nite. I feel im all he has emotionally. I dont want to hurt him allthough he continues to hurt me. I feel like im starting to become numb to all of it.
And YES, im very happy to be getting a life back with my children. They deserve so much that was taken from them by their father and me and the kids are gonna have fun with the new house and furnishing, decorating and buying pets for it.. my little one wants a parakeet, and a puppy, so that will be a thrill to take her out and look for those things.. I had to start over fresh, so without even a fork to my name, this is gonna be a huge adventure.. I would love for my MM to join us and experience some fresh looks on those kids faces..
Ugg such a plot of feelings i have
I have thought many times of just leaving the relationship, but I cant. I love him greatly and deep down he needs me as well. He doesnt have many friends or family to confide in, i know he is hurting, and I have become his best freind as well as his lover. but even I can only take so much. If I give him an ultimatum, then he may just leave me, or I may change my mind and then we are back to square one. Hes boys are close to 16 and 18. Old enough to understand but at an age that it could damage the son/father relationship. I have told him many times to talk to them as adults and show them the respect they deserve, in the end (all the lies) will hurt them more. Its like i can talk, give advice , offer support to him, but he never takes it or makes excuses. When he asks “how do I leave her, or what do I do” I try to give advice as a friend, not a lover. I just dont think he trusts me enough to listen and maybe take some advice.
Dont get me wrong, I love him alot and since day one, that first look, I knew it was forever love. Im just not sure how long I can hang on for.
I do know that my first priority are my kids and with a good job and having to rebuild from scratch (we dont even have a fork to our names) it will be a fun adventure for the kids, to be able to help me go buy things, help me pick out our furniture and decorations, even have me talked into a puppy and a bird.. Since the whole divorce thing they have been living at their grandmothers house and in 5 weeks (when they are out of school) it becomes final and we are back together again. I know it will be fun and a very happy summer. So I do have that to look forward too.. but even then, i want my MM to be around and give that extra support and love that most women need.. I want that holding every nite, that bonding, but i only get it every 3 weeks as it is.. at some point i have started to get jelous of his home life, i had all he has till my hubby found out and he still has his whole life and family around him.. and sometimes when he talks of them, its like he is flaunting it in front of me.. then its the times he talks of what a great future he and I will have some day, kids of our own maybe.. a few minutes later, i cant leave her.. i think hes more confused than i am lol
i wanna thank you guys for this site, the past few days has been a tornadoe for me and i can talk and talk , and someone understands me.. i may be the other woman, but i have tremendous feelings and hurt just like anyone else.. bless you guys
dam it i lost internet connection tried to post and now i have two post on here,, sorry guys
Sorry i’ve not been on in a while but my computer was broke. I just really really need to vent. I’m sitting here like a fucking idiot waiting on my mm to come up and he has just text me telling me he’s going to be late so we should just leave it tonight. I’m so fucking angry. Who does he think he is. I’ve not seen or heard from him in three days and he pulls this stunt. I have seriously had enough of this shit. Usually when something like this happens, i’m on the phone to him or texting him but instead i’m doing this. That him just text me and i’m talking to you guys and ignoring him. So thank-you. He’s wanting to come up now but he can kiss my ass. I just feel like i’ve took as much as i can take. Why do they push to this? Do you’s think they do it to see how far they can push you? I’m sure they do. I need to stay strong. He can’t treat me this way. It’s up to me to change it. He has absolutely no regard for me, he thinks i’m just going to be here waiting for him whenevr he decides well i’m taking control now. I am no-ones doormat.
Thank-you all for letting me vent and keeping me strong x
Im fairly new to this site, so its taken awhile to read all the posts and other topics out there, and I have to say, reading all this is starting to open my eyes.. I thought maybe just maybe my situation was different, but when it comes down to it, its not. I start to feel ashamed of my life style now (with a MM) and I begin to feel sorry for his wife. All I hear is, i stay for the kids, or i need to give her a chance, or I dont know how to leave her, or I will loose alot of financial security, and alot of all i want is you and I cant loose you.. but im getting so confused anymore and like most of the post I read,, i cry so much anymore.. im having such a hard time with all this. I love him very much and now we are at a point where he cant decide who he wants his future to be with. I have my X husband torturing me and now it feels like my MM is doing the same, testing the waters.
I just broke up with a mm that I have been seeing for 3 years this May. He is married with no kids we also work together which makes things harder. After probably the last year of feeling…jealous, untrusting, sad and worthless I finally broke it off for good. After reading this board I see a pattern:
Most of us feel:
1. not like ourselves
2. alienate friends/family from our lives
3. being to feel worthless and extremely lonely
These men:
1. normally want what they cant have meaning as soon as we say we are leaving they beg us to stay
2. say there is some “reason” they can’t leave their wife…kids, money, dont want to hurt her feelings
3. they promise us everything will be fine once they do leave their significant other.
Well I for one finally had it, for all the times I spend alone, basically loosing all of my close friends, feel worthless, ugly, stupid, not good enough (like he is embarassed of me) loosing all my self confidence and pretty much feeling trapped because of the situation I was in, I truly felt like I should “wait it out” well I have been “waiting it out” for a long time now and if he really cared OR if I really cared about myself I should not be in this situation. I am NONE of those things I listed above but I have let someone allow me to feel that way. I do not blame him I blame myself for allowing him to have so much control over my feelings. It started out only being a sexual thing and turned into so much more but after 3 years I could no longer go on, the constant excuses and do I really believe once a man has their freedom they are going to want to be in another committed relationship PLEASEEEE…no matter what excuse he has come up with there is no reason for an affair PERIOD….so I suggest to anyone reading this if you feel any of these things just get away for a weekend…a week…anything and not talk to him, pretend like you are single and see how much better you feel, act it out first that always help you will say to yourself…oh my gosh WHAT have I been doing to myself, how can I let a man make me feel like that. Trust me it was not easy for me I have thrown phones against the way, cried BEGGED and pleaded felt like my life was over, I was to old to find love again (I am only 32)I have never been happier in my life that how I feel today.
Thanx for that. It’s been four days since i last saw him. After last nights carry-on i haven’t answered any of his texts, i’ve not called him and i don’t intend to. He’s now stopped texting me, his logic is that if he leaves me long enough to “stew in my own juice” i will contact him. Well that ain’t going to happen i’ve took enough of his complete disregard for me. I’m so sick of his pathetic excuses. The guy doesn’t know where the truth begins and where the lies end. He lives in his own little world that everythings rosy in his garden so f everybody else. Well maybe his w is happy to put up with his unbelievably selfish behaviour but i won’t. He’s treating me like a complete idiot and this is the man thats supposed to love me more than he’s loved anyone. Yeah right pull the other one. The only thing he loves is the complete undivided love and attention he gets from me. Harsh but true. So thank-you jennifer, just when i started to feel a little sorry for him i read your post and i know i’ve made the right decision. I’m going to get the glad rags on and go on a night out with my friends and move on from this sad little man.
Once again thank-you for letting me vent. Sorry i went on x
Laura, you made the right decision. Stay strong. It will get better with time. My life changed for the better the second I stopped seeing him. Yours will too. It is so much better without lies, secrets, acting like an international spy to guard this so called relationship. After 5 and half years of being with a MM and 3 years of being out of it, take my word for it, you will heal and you will be happier for it.
Laura:
You keep it up! You’ll be ok. Just keep ignoring him and he’ll try to come back on and on until he realizes that you are foreal and then he’ll give up or make the necessary changes to get you back.
I’ve come to question whether or not my TM(taken man), is bisexual. It makes perfectly good sense. He won’t have sex with me, he is attracted, but won’t act, he really does care and love me, but he’s fuckin a man and that’s why he won’t fuck me! He has a man, but still is attracted to women, but won’t act physically because he really wants to be with men. That’s why his “woman” lets him explore his feelings for me. That’s why his “woman” understands his actions and doesn’t get upset. That’s why his “woman” doesn’t visit his house because his mom lives with him and she ain’t on that gay shit. That’s why he doesn’t get jealous when I tell him I’ve fucked someone,or that I like someone else, because he really doesn’t want to be with me, he just likes having me around to talk to. It makes perfectly good sense. What do ya’ll think?
Laura,
Well done for how good you’re doing, live life for yourself…. 🙂
Walg9e,
I don’t get your situation at all, other than it sounds pretty destructive. to be f*cking others and telling him that you have to see if you can get a reaction just isn’t productive. I have no idea what his game is, but seems to me that you’ve been dragged in to a no win situation.
If you wanna know what his persuasion is, why don’t you just ask?
Take Care
VOR,
I have finally figured him out. He is a polyamorist. Have any of you ever heard of this? It’s when a person has many loves. They feel they shouldn’t be excluded to only love one person and that there are many facets to love. You love one person this way and another one this way. They would compare it to how a mother loves her two children two different ways, but that doesn’t mean that she loves them any less. She just loves them in different ways.
I know understand everything, how she allows him to develop another meaningful relationship with another woman, and how he feels that just because he loves me doesn’t mean his love for his woman is any less. See in polyamory, the people involved know about eachother. The main couple communicate the boundaries before they explore other relationships. In their case, they have decided to remain monogamous with eachother meaning they aren’t to ingage in sex with another, but if they meet someone who is special to them and they want to get to know them and if they eventually become close to them, then that’s ok because should they begin to love that person, that is ok because that love doesn’t interfere with their love.
It’s real crazy to understand. That’s why he doesn’t consider himself cheating because everyone involved knows about the other and no one objects to it. She probably wants him to share his love. That’s called compersion. It’s the complete opposite of jealousy. The other partner enjoys seeing their beloved share their love with others. Some even sexually.
Now that I understand where he is coming from, I understand him even better. But that still doesn’t mean that I want to continue this relationship because I need for him to give me all of his love. He is limited in what he can give because of their agreement. The closer we get, the more the bond gets stronger, the more sexually attracted I become to him. When I am around him my skin feels like it’s on fire. I become overwhelmed with desire. And because at this moment in time, he can’t give himself to me, it’s a no win situation.
That’s why he doesn’t get jealous when I tell him about other men because he wants me to enjoy myself and be happy. He sees nothing wrong with satisfying my desires as long as it makes me happy.
I told him that I would be satisfied sharing him with her as long as he gave all of himself to me and the time he give me doesn’t interfere with her time and vice versa. Right now, I’ve never had a problem with him not being available because of her. He doesn’t tell me anything about her, and he never tells me when he’s seen her or planning on seeing her, so it’s like she doesn’t exist even though I know she does. As long as he continues this, I would be ok with it because it’s not like I’m wondering if he’s with her or whatever. He never seems to sleep over her house because their schedules are opposite. So if he came over after work, it wouldn’t interfere with her time because he wouldn’t have gone over there anyway. In the meantime, I would still be able to develop another relationship with another man if I meet someone else. I wouldn’t be exclusive to him. That would be my agreement.
But I just wanted to tell you all about that and see what your thoughts are.
Ok sixth day and i’m feeling a little low. This is nearly the longest i’ve gone without seeing him and it’s getting pretty hard. I’ve not heard from him which has surprised me. Usually by this time he’s declaring his undying love. Part of me is relieved he’s not doing that but the other part just makes me think he didn’t give a f*** about me. I was seeing him for a year and he doesn’t seem bothered. I’m stil adamant i’m not contacting him. It’s going to be hard but i’ve got my whole life in front of me. What has he got? an unhappy marriage, up to his neck in huge debts and a boss who hates him.
It was his birthday the other day maybe him and his w rekindled or maybe he has someone-else in his sights whatever the reason for not contacting me is. He’s just a sad old man that really needs to get over hiself. He’ll never find anyone who loved and treated him like i did. His loss not mine.
Sorry for going on but i feel better after that little rant. Thanks for listening. Take care
Walg9e,
After reading through your post a few times….I have to be honest and say it’s something I’ve never heard of, and yes it does seem a little crazy. On what you’ve said I’m assuming he won’t be getting married as the exclusion of all others part is gonna be a bit difficult to fulfil…. 😉
I’m not saying it is impossible to love more than one person at the same time etc etc, but I think it must be a very difficult to maintain the kind of lifestyle that he has. All I can say is I think his behaviour smacks of wanting to be the centre of several people’s lives. But that’s just the jaded old cynic in me
At the end of the day all you are really describing is a couple that have an open relationship, and you’re part of it, whether it’s sexual or not. However on the flipside of that, I think this ‘share the love’ stuff is all pretty flaky.
Please don’t think I’m being critical, cos I’m not, but I think of being the other woman as an arrangement and NOT a relationship as such. I think a lot of women in this situation make this basic mistake and to do so usually causes a lot of pain and unhappiness. They want their MM to be a boyfriend/partner, when it’s just not something they can do.
Laura,
You’re doing so well, seems like you’ve got the measure of him. Do your thing and enjoy life.
Take Care
Hey all,
Well I’ve talked to my TM and although I was falling asleep on the phone, I did remember him comparing his feelings for me and his GF as being even like on a scale. He said it’s even and it’s not tipping in either direction right now. SO I now know that she doesn’t exactly have the upper hand right now. Then he told me that when I found my new SEX friend, that he thought we had found a balance to our situation. That my new friend would satisfy my sexual needs and that HE would satify my emotional needs. What the hell! I told him that it didn’t matter if I was having relations with someone else, as long as I continue to get close to him, my passion for him will also continue to grow. Then he asked how can we balance it out? I told him that I didn’t know because everyday I don’t talk to him, I hurt, and sooner or later he’ll say something to me that will make me think about the fact that he isn’t my man. And then I’ll have a breakdown for about two days. So where’s the balance? I hurt either way. But I must confess, the days I don’t talk to him doesn’t hurt as much as the breakdowns. So maybe we are doing the right thing by not talking everyday.
Has anyone found a balance in their situations?
Walg9e
Well congratulations I think you’ve finally found the one ‘other woman’ situation that is totally unique….Why are you still in this???
All joking aside, what the hell is this guy on??? Why does he have this need to differentiate between emotional and sexual need. I really can’t think of any of my guy friends, that would be ok with someone they are interested in sleeping with another guy, whilst being happy just to have an emotional connection. In fact I think most of them would laugh at the suggestion. Men are very sexual creatures.
Also not sure how can you say the girlfriend doesn’t exactly have the upper hand….. she has him! She’s getting the intimacy you want. She IS his girlfriend and as you already know, he’s in no rush to change anything.
In answer to your question, I have balance in my situation, but as it is so very different to yours, I’m not sure anything I say about mine will be of any use to you.
Me and my guy speak, almost everyday, we meet up when time and work allows, we both travel quite a bit for business so that helps to be able to meet up in hotels etc. My MM will not share me with anyone, if I met anyone else he would walk. When we spend time together he accepts he is mine, but when he leaves thats it. It’s back to the real world, I never contact him at home. After all is said and done, his wife is a good person and I have no wish to invade in on her life. Thats his time and I respect that. He treats me well and we both know what the situation is, thats our balance.
As I said it’s probably not much use to you.
Take Care.
VOR,
How come your MM will walk if you have another man, while he is married? That is very selfish to say the least. He should be able to share you just as you share him. I know you are probably not interested in no one else, but you should at least be open to. And if he can’t deal with it, then oh well. I hope you aren’t preventing yourself from meeting a man you can have all to yourself. You fit the description of having compersion. You don’t get jealous of the wife? If not you definately fit compersion.
In my case, you are very right. She does have the upper hand. And I have met another man who satifies my sexual desires. For at least right now. If you want to understand how he can be ok with me having sex with another man, please look up polyamory and compersion. That will explain everything.
I’m doing fine now that my new friend explained that his phone had gotten damaged and he had to get another one and didn’t rememorize my #. That’s why he hadn’t called me. But now we are back in touch and I still want to call my TM, but it’s easier to not call when I have my new friend.
I think that everyone who has a MM should also have another friend that helps the ease of not being able to be with your MM all the time. It helps the waiting game.
Hope everyone is doing fine. Stay strong!