You know how it is. You have one too many dodgy experiences of trusting someone when you shouldn’t have or feeling like you have to pick the broken pieces of you and your life up off the floor, that you decide to take some time out to work on you and figure out how to trust again. You get to a better place and are thinking about dating again or forging new friendships but you’re now hyper-aware and hyper-vigilant, looking for assclown wolves in sheep’s clothing around every corner. You feel like you know more about you, you feel like you understand the concept of boundaries and know what your boundaries are as well as your needs and values, but you’re scared of fluffing it.
It’s almost like you expect you to get it right first time when actually trust and judgement are developed and honed through experience.
Let me assure you that I haven’t learned what I have by not making my fair share of mistakes and errors in judgement! This is hard-earned experience that I had to go through to unlearn some of the things I thought I ‘had’ to be and do to get through life. I’m not afraid of making an error in judgement because if I do, yeah it’s a bit of a pain in the bum but I can only learn out of it. Over time these instances have shrunk dramatically.
Every relationship experience, every experience where the outcome was not as I would have liked or I’ve felt like I trusted too much, I’ve learned something about me that’s helped me further down the line.
As I said last week in my post about the slow fade and people disappearing if you’re not going to ‘put out’ when they want, it’s as if people have become so ‘tight’ (stingy) with time, energy and effort that it’s in short supply for getting to know someone.
I see the same thing happening with trust – sometimes it seems easier to distrust both you and others than to have a basic level of trust and use your eyes, ears, and brain to judge the situation or yes, them.This leads to being hyper-vigilant and it’s going in with a skeptical attitude because the one thing you’re not doing is going in with an open mind.
Knowing about boundaries, shared values, and yes, code red and amber behaviour isn’t there to scare the shit out of you; these are all there to empower you to make better choices.
It’s like saying that being street smart, having basic courtesy and knowing about the dangers of walking into oncoming traffic or going down dark alleyways or walking through a dodgy area at night is there to keep you in the house and remove all of your fun. Being hyper-vigilant, not wanting to trust and use your judgement by learning through trial and error is like saying “I’d rather know nothing of the dangers or what to be aware of and just hope that people do the right thing. I don’t want to be responsible for me and have to learn and experience”.
Operate on a Debit and Credit Trust System and you will have very little to worry about because you know that should you be faced with something that you need to address, that you’ll handle it. You need to address your own relationship with you first because I’m yet to come across anybody who distrusts themselves that’s able to healthily trust others. They either trust blindly and do the equivalent of handing themselves over lock and key to a stranger and jumping into a pool of sharks or they struggle to trust and don’t seem to be able to differentiate between fear and knowledge or internal fear VS external fear.
Learning how to trust others and use your judgement also means that you need to clear out all of the blame you’ve been taking on because when you tend to engage in the It’s All About Me and One False Move mentalities, you tend to gauge a situation and find a way to make you at fault for it. This makes it very difficult to trust because you’re hardly going to want to add more problems to your ever increasing list of crimes you haven’t actually committed.
Get clear on your boundaries, know your values and your needs and be committed to living your life in a way that reflects the person that you say that you are. This gives you a healthy baseline of trust that you enter into each situation with – think 70%.
It means that you can go out and enjoy your life and deal with something when it happens as opposed to waiting for something to happen and being ready to strike.
Are you waiting to be screwed over? This ‘waiting’ communicates distrust and will be reflected in your actions and mentality and it’ll all just end up in a self-fulfilling prophecy. Really, we can all afford to operate with a basic level of trust and judge a situation or a person based on merit instead of having Dynasty levels of drama in our minds about what isn’t happening or trying to anticipate what shadiness may happen next, which is actually pretty damn exhausting.
From when you meet a person on day zero, they begin to unfold. Anything you think they are initially is an impression, not who they are, because who someone is, is based on experience of them. They’ll either live up to or even exceed this impression… or miss it. That’s nothing to be afraid of because dating or just getting to know any person is a discovery phase that irrespective of the outcome, it’s an experience that can enrich or help you in some way. As long as you’re not expecting to instantly know someone or to ‘know’ them without actually truly knowing them, or claiming to ‘know’ them based on superficial BS, what you will be expecting is that it will take time before you’re going to get to know someone so you won’t have unrealistic expectations or be surprised by information that was always there but ignored. If you trust you to do your due diligence and not live in la-la land, anything that does come your way, you’ll handle it. Believe you.
Your thoughts?
Updated 4th November: The audio version of this post is now available on Soundcloud.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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I am completely new at this but after having an epiphany last week with my therapist I felt like I needed to post. A little background about me, I was with my fiancee for 14 years (engaged for 2) when in late September he drops the bomb that he has feelings for someone else. Apparently they have been in contact and corresponding with ( he said only via the net but who knows now?) for a long time, I think maybe a year to six months and he doesn’t know what to do ( a common occurrence of ” I am so upset about this but I don’t know why or how to fix it, can you?” that I now recognize) all while he is still telling me he loves me, wanting to hug me and even kiss he decides after consulting with people that don’t like me ( family, friends) about his feelings. After giving him four days to figure out his shit we see each other I got a long list of reasons of shit that I have done to make him not be in love with me anymore( I am judgmental, not passionate enough, I don’t want a stable relationship that leads to a home, marriage and kids,he refuses to forgive me for a fight that happened 7 years ago,my eating disorder affects our relationship even though I have been in remission for years I am a bad listener) and the stuff he is missing that the new person can provide. He told me that we would tell people we are taking a “break” because he wants to be alone without contact but also date other people and he might call me if he felt like a date with me and he will definitely contact me to get together so he can break officially break it off when he decides to start sleeping with her or other people. He then started balling and getting really upset because it was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. I just told him good luck and hopefully he will find what he is looking for and dropped all his unreturned stuff over to his house later that day.
It took me two days to get a handle on the breakup enough to send him a final text telling him that I don’t want to hear from him again when he decides to start sleeping with other people and that I am moving on with my life just like he is. I have not contacted him since and I will not be, I am the kind of person that loves a challenge so NC has not been that hard for me. Shifting through the feelings, emotions and guilt I have has been hard. I have consulted a few read books, I am seeing two counsellors, one alone and one with my mom who we were already seeing, I have been through relationship inventories, writing unsent letters and I am taking stock of other unhealthy love ( platonic and non) habits in my life and most days I am able to face how unhealthy the relationship had become for me. I don’t blame myself for HIS cheating and I try not to accept blame for all the faults he tried to put on me ( he never accepted or professed any blame except to say that I would never be able to get over what he has done). I accept that I was not always an active listener, I haven’t been clear about my wants and goals in life, these past few years, I took the relationship for granted and based my self-worth on how much he loved me and I swept many things under the rug instead of dealing with warning flags, resentments etc. I have set some new boundaries like telling all my friends, family etc that I don’t want any info about him passed back to me and I am not on facebook until I get some time and distance from this. I have started a running program ( I have also lost 25 pounds and I am feeling healthier every day) and signed up for a 5K run, hanging out with my friends and I signed up for an online course in preparation of going back to school next year to start my new career I had been already decided on ( we were planning and preparing to move to a new city for me to go to school next year).
There is still alot of grief work I know I must do to let go of him and the relationship. Thankfully I don’t know anything about the new girl so I am not comparing myself to her, which would be doubly hard on my till wavering self esteem. I think I have accepted that the breakup happened and it happened for a reason even if I am still puzzling that out. I can see him for who he really has become in the past two years and I do not like or respect him anymore. I know now that I love myself and that is the most important love I will ever receive from anyone and now my world is full of possibilities that I know now wouldn’t be possible with him in the picture. I had made alot of personal changes in the past year and I guess I see this as a continuation of that commitment I made to better my soul. Working on myself is tiring sometimes and I do get resentful and angry that I am the one stuck doing all the work, but I try to remind myself that their is light at the end of this tunnel if I keep to this path.
My epiphany about trust came last week when my therapist asked me if I feel any disinclination towards being able to trust people because of his cheating and other past trust issues that I have had with friends and family. I realized that in order to be healthy, happy and someday be open to loving someone again, I need to be able to be open to trusting someone again so long as I can trust myself to deal with the difficult times that may come with sharing trust. This post was some extra “food for thought” for me about my feelings around trust and I am so glad I found this website!
Kat… You sound like you have your head on straight. Like you I have no problem staying NC…Its kinda like his punishment so to speak. He made his bed so now he can lie in it. He wants contact/friendship…NO WAY IS THAT EVER GONNA HAPPAN….
Yes, this blog is a true blessing for me. I felt stronger once I found it the process of moving on has been so much easier for me..
Its hard for people who have been married a gazillion years or who have never been involved w/a AC or EUM to understand it. SO I come here & feel like this is where I belong right now
I think my head is on straight most of the time. It still surprises me sometimes when I wake up and realize he will never be apart of my life again it almost feels like he died in a small way. I know I am not in love with the person he has become but I guess I am still a little bit in love with the boy I met when I was so young ( I was 16). He was definitely never perfect but he was a better person back then and he was a good fit for me just not a good fit for the me that exists today.
How he did it and what he said to me still really hurts I would have never in a million years thought he could be that cruel because he was never nasty to me during the relationship and he hated cheaters so much he wouldn’t even do things with my lil bro’s GF while they were dating because she had a history of cheating.
I know now that he is a coward and holds on to so much of his personal unresolved baggage (family stuff, work, friends, putting women on pedestals an expecting them to be perfect)that stuff isn’t going to go away just because he got rid of me despite the fact that he thinks I am the cause all of it.
He has not tried to contact me and I doubt he will but staying NC and not bad-mouthing him to our mutual friends is my way of punishing him and rejecting the rejector! But it is also my way of taking the high road which I will be proud of myself for doing so later on.
I used to be alot more emotional and dramatic then I am now and I was needy and overwhelming at the end of the breakup up until he actually laid it all on the line and then I just felt like I had woken up, my obsession for food and buying stuff to fill the voids in my life was gone. I felt like a thousand pound weight of never measuring up to someone’s expectations or having to manage their insecurities was lifted off my shoulders. Even though I knew it was going to hurt like hell ( and some days its still does) I vowed never to allow him to speak to me or treat me like that ever again, or any man for that matter.
Thanks for welcoming me Kit-Kat!
You sound like you are doing all the right things Kat. Its been almost 3 years since I broke up with my bloke of 5 years, when I found BR, and I continue to read Natalie’s blog and do lovely things for myself, all the things I dropped during the relationship. (yoga, choir, trips away with friends) Keeping busy and having fun works, but also I allow myself time to feel my feelings if I get a little sad (I think everyone does) but I feel the happiest and calmest I have in a long time, time really does heal. I am a little wary when I meet new guys but I know looking after myself first is the key to happiness. Hang in there with the No Contact, it truly works. Good on you and good luck with the running and study Xx
Thanks for the welcome and encouragement Bellaninha.
Fulfilling myself is the most important thing right now, just like you said. I was never the one in the relationship to drop my friends, family or interests, I have always been able to go to dinner, the movie or an art exhibit on my own if he wasn’t willing to come. I think I have always know who I am but found it hard to balance my long term goals with his wants and needs. He said I never wanted a house, family and kids, which I always was reluctant towards but now I know its because I didn’t want these things with him because off the all the baggage and crap and cut and run tactics he learned and that he still can’t get over from his childhood. I do feel happy now that I know I want a husband, house and babies when I am ready ( which won’t be for awhile). I am nervous about dating and opening up again since I was a kid when we met but knowing but I want and what I won’t accept will hopefully guide me in the right directions and warn me about any potential red flags early on.
I run my first 5k with a great group of friends on NYE and I can’t wait to cross the finish line. My accounting course is challenging but hey you never know until you try?
Thanks for your perspective Bellaninha. It is nice to hear from someone whose been there all my friends are pretty much married with little ones and forget what this is like so its been nice to come here and learn from so many wise people.
No worries Kat. You sound really brave and running is a totally awesome thing to be doing – release those endorphins! I think you go through a few phases post long term break up, and that’s ok. I thought I would have been “recovered” in 6 months but it does take time, I went through crazy partying, meeting the wrong types of guys again, needing to change continents! But in the end it’s what makes me who I am and you will find your way. My ex had all sorts of unresolved childhood issues that I’m sure aided his EUM status. Biggest lesson I learned is that we can’t change another person. I tried for at least 2 of the 5 years! I know a few girlfriends who were in the same situation as us and have met wonderful guys when they least expect it. Take time to heal and you will seriously discover the new adult you. Xxx
Kat, Welcome. You sound like you have done a lot of work. Just don’t let them grind you down. Many of us have come here trying to find answers to our dilemmas. I got here after a very traumatic marriage breakdown and after reading Nat’s first edition book had a lot of answers. In fact so many light bulbs went on that I nearly short circuited! For me it is one step at a time and I have to admit that the smug marrieds who tell me that single life is full of adventure are talking out of their anus’ and I will tell them so. I know that my health will fail in a few years and financially things aren’t that great either. But I have my boundaries and values aiming to be true to myself which so many people aren’t. That is all we can do and sadly there are too many men who are lying, cheating chameleons we need to recognise and avoid. I am happy now to stay single after my marriage and thank myself for the good days. Like many I would like to have one quality relationship to wipe out the bad times but have accepted that this may not happen as I am only prepared to leave meeting men to chance.
Kat in Canada, thank you for sharing your story…Reading your post, I remembered my own break up few years back…and how embarrassing I was trying to have my bf back by calling/texting/spying on him!
I wish I had your dignity, pride and self respect. I guess I learn from past and very painful experience, I would NEVER humiliate myself again:(
Little Star, don’t be embarrassed. You are right, your past can only now help the lessons for your future. I often take two steps forward, one back, but at least now us being aware is a hell of a lot better. As well as knowing Natalie has been there and created this amazing support network for us all. Go gently. Xxx
Thanks everybody for the great posts and Sadder but Wiser…you hit the nail on the head. I can’t imagine right now a “fun” relationship that is more emotionally engaged…it has all been such hard work recently. Just one pleasant, fun, relaxing relationship that is more emotionally engaged but not hugely intense…would be great and I think would change my perspective. I have a lot of sexual drive too which I have had to keep under wraps and it would be nice to have some kind of “outlet” for that someday….
Even though I am “out there” in lots of ways, I don’t think I am ready emotionally yet…still feeling too vulnerable.
I feel the same way you do, espresso.
I thought I had moved on emotionally from an ex after being single for 2 years, only to be taken advantage of again by a new guy, then taken advantage of by another guy after that which was the final straw, all because I was not ready to move on. If I had taken time to heal instead of obsess, maybe I would have been ready. But I’ve realized, if I still feel vulnerable and broken, there’s no way the next relationship can turn out any better than the last.
Until I’m emotionally stable and ready to invest that kind of energy on someone, I need to invest that energy into myself.
I guess for me, the bottom line is very simple. I’m a coward. I don’t wish to be hurt. And as such, I have always lived my life trying to avoid this…as much with work as with my personal life. Experiences from my early adolescence taught me to not trust; to not trust myself, men or women for that matter because sooner or later, one would end up hurt.
Walls have been erected around me, so high and so thick that only the most persistent could get through. Once in a while, I’d get so lonely in my castle, I’d come out…meet someone…and be hurt all over again because…well, I knew that was going to happen. And back again I’d go.
It didn’t seem to matter how ‘safe’ I tried to be. The same issues would haunt me over and over…and now…now that I am slowly breaking down the walls, I am finding that dealing with these issues is helping.
I came to this article after reading another article on beliefs and fear; about how closely related they are and how our beliefs affect our behaviour and change how we view things. And, I have to say that this…truly hit home for me. Living ‘safely’ has not bode me well. It has not prevented heart ache, and perhaps has caused more since listening to imagined fears is not truly listening to oneself or observing or being open in any way. I have been closed and as such, have attracted closed people.
Things are starting to change for me. First comes the realization that pain, loss, will -not- kill me. It will not render me unlovable, hopeless, unattractive or any of the other adjectives I had ascribed to myself throughout the years. It doesn’t make me a fool, stupid, or any such thing.
And, I can survive that.
And, as the walls come down, I am realizing that there are quite a few people out there to meet. I’m not wishing to get married or have a family or even go much further than simply getting to know people for now. But, it is certainly time that I confronted my own fears, my own faulty belief system and started opening up to the world around me.
I enjoy people, connecting and relationships and have never had trouble making good emotional connections in general but right now I think I need to protect myself emotionally and just stay on the sidelines for awhile. Somedays I feel strong but other days not.
I feel like I have been involved in a car crash and although I can’t quite run yet I can walk pretty well…..I feel like I have been emotionally violated and did not,until recently, understand the extent of this. My ex isn’t easy to figure out and so the damage hasn’t been easy to completely understand. It was a big overall mindfk.
I am still coming to grips with the idea that my recent pain, loss, grief etc. won’t kill me. It sometimes feels like it is going to. Coming out of a long term relationship is really difficult ..so much to process and lots of logistics and I haven’t done it all yet. I am not always sure of my feelings and sometimes my anger feels very toxic, to me too! Sometimes I wish he was a straight AC so that I could flush him abruptly out of my life.
30Love.
Welcome. Please let us hear more from you. Excellent comments that I’m sure we’ve all experienced at one time or another. I’m sure BR has helped you get your shite together enough to find a good man. It did for me, and I am very glad and grateful. Best of luck, Tink.
Runnergirl … I am laughing at your struggling imperfectionist. What? You’re not perfect at your imperfection?!! Me neither. Oh well.
Ellyb
Yep, some women do have daddy or grandaddy issues. Actually in my life the men who treated me the worst were/ are my so called peers. A lot of that probably has to do with my being forced to be hypermature/hyperresponsible from a very young age and also that I am mixed race. I never wanted family and never had squat to do with popular culture. I wanted and still want to be respected for my mind and for my skills. Hell, looks won’t be there forever. My older guys had proven themselves by sticking to their values, living their values and were highly accomplished, responsible, truly caring men. Maturity is good. Yep, I have also encountered creepies, I dumped their sorry asses post haste, even had to knock one down who didn’t understand the word NO. In contrast, the men nearer my age have resented my education, lifestyle, and far left/environmental values. Some of them, including my current AC are at a minimum narcissists. He has wreaked more havoc on my life than even my abusive /neglectful collection of parents and step parents. With them, I knew all I had to do was to survive till I was old enough to bail out of the family. This dude may cause me to bail out of my career, my home, and perhaps any hope of financial stability in my retirement. I am not sure I could even look at a guy my age right now. I am grateful for my older friends, especially my 73 year old vet who accepts me for who I am and I can have an intelligent conversation with and is that rarest of creatures, a true gentleman. Wish dudes my age could take a page or two from his book.
Thank you, Tinkerbell. It’s very fitting that you chose to reply to me, as something in your post regarding your new fellow and your mind saying ‘Hurry up and start your shite so we can get this over with!’ really spoke to me. I feel they same way at times. I’m a very pragmatic individual. In pretty much any situation, I like to know exactly what I’m dealing with, as soon as possible, so I can come up a ‘game plan.’ (As you might imagine, this has not been particularly helpful in past relationships.) Anyway, I must convey this to my guy in some way, because sometimes he will tease me ‘Are you still over there waiting for the other shoe to drop?’ He clearly finds it amusing, because he realizes I’m just a reticent person by nature, and it has way more to do with me than anything he is actually doing. If I were to express hesitancy about anything in my marriage (usually about finances), I was bullied and ridiculed by the exH until I gave in. With the exBF EUM, I was particularly cautious starting a new relationship (with a colleague), and he took any hesitation as an personal insult on his character. Later, when I tried to talk to him about why things weren’t progressing in our relationship, he blamed his inability to open up to me on my doubts early in the relationship. He said he figured I would eventually break up with him, which I did end up doing…because of his infuriating EUM-ness! I guess there as many possible reactions to any given behavior as there are potential partners out there. It’s having faith in our own ability to gauge these reactions and determine the real threat (or not), that we learn to trust our own judgement.
And thank you as well, Freya. I am learning much insight into the male psyche from my 11yo son who is laying in bed watching the election returns with me tonight. He reminds me that all these fellas were once someone’s little boy. Some just remain so longer than others…lol!
As I’ve told many a female friend whom I have referred to this site, I honestly don’t know what I would have done were it not for Natalie’s Baggage Reclaim site. The articles were SO HELPFUL to me that I can’t even begin to explain it because I would be going on and on ad infinitum. In particular, the Fallback Girl, No Contact and Future Faking articles were EXTREMELY HELPFUL. In the Fallback Girl and Future Faking articles I RECOGNIZED the techniques that the POS I have dated used on me.
I have never allowed anyone using me as a “fallback girl” and in most instances, once the breakup occurs, I do not continue any communication at all with someone that I have been sexually intimate with or for whom I had developed feelings.
I have, however, been the victim of future faking. I do have to say, though, that I have never quite 100% believed guys who use the future faking technique because always at the back of my mind has been a little voice asking: “Is this guy for real or is he trying to make me think that he sees a future with me in order to butter me up and try to get in my pants sooner?” The issue for me, though, is that I start to second-guess my inner voice and asking myself whether I am unfairly mistrusting the guy due to the hurtful experiences that I have had with previous sewer rats or whether my “sixth sense” is sensing a real faker; this is especially the case for me when the guy puts on a good act and presents himself as a “nice guy” who is looking for a real relationship.
I have gotten many important understandings from Natalie’s articles. One has been to see that I am NOT being unfair to the sewer rats or to myself in QUESTIONING to myself what their true intentions are. Another is that I have been able to see that in TODAY’S WORLD, MANY, MANY WOMEN HAVE EXPERIENCED WHAT I HAVE EXPERIENCED; this has made me feel better (misery loves company
)because I can see that these things aren’t happening just to me and that I don’t have some target on my forehead that says “abuse me!” It’s about the POSs, not about me. Also, and most importantly, the articles have helped me to realize that I AM NOT UNLOVABLE! I was in such an emotionally injured state a few years ago after a particularly painful breakup from someone that I was truly in love with (the first time that I was truly in love) that I started to think I must be unlovable if I kept meeting the same kind of guy (cheaters) over and over; I then would remind myself that if I was married for 25 years and my ex-husband loved me, then I wasn’t unlovable — and that what I was experiencing had more to do with the type of guy that is allowed to run loose out there nowadays, as well as with the lack of sexual morals in today’s world than with me!
In closing, thank you once again to Natalie! MANY WOMEN OUT THERE OWE HER A DEBT OF GRATITUDE!