Set your own standards and determine your own value. It doesn’t matter what everyone else does – it matters what you do. If everyone else has done it and it’s not exactly worked out for them, why repeat their relationship insanity? It’s not about what other people are comfortable doing – it’s about what you’re comfortable doing and a lot of women spend their time doing stuff they’re uncomfortable with because they’re afraid that if they don’t, they’ll ‘lose’. You’re losing anyway. Never make it easy for someone not to have come up with the basics of love, care, trust, and respect in a relationship….you’re not that woman.
****
I don’t care if one thousand women have gone before me and they’ve all had sex with you on the first night or whenever you chanced your arm for it – I’m not those women.
I have sex when I feel comfortable and if that time happens to be when I feel more confident about where I stand with you and the values, qualities, characteristics that you possess, you’ll have to deal with it, or go back and have sex with one of the women that make it easier for you.
I don’t care if you’re used to corresponding by texts and emails and every other woman has put up with it – I’m not those women.
I don’t care if you’re used to disappearing and then coming back with little or no hassle. If you disappear on me, you’d better stay disappeared!
I don’t care if your ex didn’t mind if you wouldn’t hold her hand in public and didn’t mind that you’re not affectionate – I do mind.
I don’t care if all the other women let you date and shag them all at the same time. I’m not those women!
I don’t care if you’re used to getting a shag, an ego stroke, and a shoulder to lean on with minimal contribution into a relationship. I deserve more than crumbs.
I don’t care if ‘other women’ are more compliant and don’t expect you to be a decent guy in a decent relationship. I’m not those women.
I don’t care if every woman has been sympathetic to your commitment fears and let you coast through those relationships claiming that you’re scared and you need time. I’m not those women.
I don’t care if you’re used to getting your own way and having things on your own terms. I’m a person of value who is an equal party to this relationship.
I don’t care if every other woman let you go bareback because it feels good – strap up or piss off!
I don’t care if you’re used to dodging responsibility and accountability and blaming whoever you’re involved with for your thoughtless actions. I’m not that woman.
I don’t care if all the women you’ve been with have waited around for you to make up your mind while you reject them time and again. I’m not those women.
I don’t care if your ex let you do X,Y, Z. I’m not her. I’m not that woman.
I don’t care if other women have let you have sex with them when you have demonstrated or even said you’re not interested in them/don’t want a relationship. I’m not that woman.
I don’t care if other women when you’ve told them you don’t want a relationship with them have gone into overdrive trying to prove themselves to you so that you make them the exception. I’m not that woman.
I don’t care if you’re used to being with a woman who thinks you’re the centre of the universe and the only source of her happiness – I’m not that woman.
I don’t care if you’re used to being with a woman with low self-esteem that let’s you control the relationship and define her – I’m not that woman.
I don’t care if you’re used to pressing The Reset Button and acting like nothing has happened and getting away with it. I’m not that woman. I will remember.
I don’t care if you’re used to controlling someone’s every move – I’m not that woman. Don’t even try it.
I don’t care if other women have believed you when you said you wouldn’t lay a hand on them again – I’m not that woman. I’m not taking my chances.
I don’t care if every other woman felt sympathetic to your One Time in Bandcamp tales of woe and excused all your dodgy behaviour – I am most definitely not that woman.
I don’t care if every other woman has put you on the deeds of her house or given you access to her bank account. I am not that woman. Are you crazy?
I don’t care if you’re used to having virtual sex and sending nude pics to women you met a hot minute ago on a dating site – I’m not that woman.
I don’t care if other women don’t mind if you’re married/attached – I do. You should.
I don’t care if other women let you call them up late at night and let you come round for sex – I’m not those women.
I don’t care if you’re used to women competing for you, fighting in the street and getting into all sorts of craziness. I’m not that woman.
I don’t care if other women have been prepared to ‘go with the flow’ when there is no flow or you’ve been flowing backwards. I’m not those women. I am entitled to be with someone who is not afraid to see a future with me.
I don’t care if you’re used to playing a cat and mouse game. I’m not that woman. You’re either in or you’re out.
I don’t care if you’re used to having your lame excuses like my cat was stuck up a tree/battery not working/The Busiest Week Ever/I lost your number etc accepted. I’m not that woman.
I don’t care if your mother and every other woman you’ve been with has let you do as you please – I’m not that woman.
And….
I don’t care if you’re upset because I won’t let you mess around with my head and my emotions now that we’ve broken up. I’m not that woman.
I don’t care if you’re upset because I won’t be your friend now that I’ve got tired of you rejecting me for the umpteenth time. I used to be that woman but now I’m not.
I don’t care if all your exes let you call them up and use them for a shag, an ego stroke, a shoulder to lean on, money, whatever. I’m not that woman.
I don’t care if you’re worried about what everyone will think of you now that a ‘good woman’ has left you. I’m worrying about myself.
I don’t care if the last time we broke up I let you call me up, sleep with me etc. I used to be that woman but I’m not anymore.
I don’t care if other women let you force your version of the truth on them. I’m not that woman and I make up my mind about my truth.
I don’t care if you’ve just separated or divorced and are looking to try on a new relationship for size. I’m not that woman.
I don’t care if you just broke up with your ex and are looking for a Fallback Girl to be a buffer and let you treat her like an option so you can avoid the pain of your breakup. I’m not that woman. I’m not your emotional airbag.
I don’t care if other women think that guys like you are the best they can do. I’m not that woman. You’re not the man for me.
I don’t care if me having boundaries and treating myself with love, care, trust, and respect writes me off from being with you. If being with and loving you means I can’t love me, I’ll choose me. Other women might be prepared to let you bust up their boundaries, but you guessed it…I’m not that woman.
I know it’s not easy out there but I know what I’ve experienced and to continue to carry the same baggage, beliefs, and attitudes and choose the same people different package and expect different results would be relationship insanity. Others may not be ready to get off the merry-go-round…but I’m not that woman.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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So many good thoughts in here. As a guy who has recently suffered at the hands of an assclown, I feel so much better after reading this.
Token Male, I’d LOVE to hear how a male has suffered from an A/C.
Me too. I want a man’s opinion and insight as well!!!
Absolutely Brilliant!!! thank you so much Natalie. This website helped me to start loving myself again. My ex really did a job on me emotionally with his passive-aggressive garbage . For years I stayed when I could’ve walked away—but didn’t know how. They are master manipulators. I still feel pain sometimes, but I’m finally getting over it and finding happiness in life again. I see him for what he truly was and the part I played in all of it. I am such a different person now and my boundaries are something I’ll never compromise again. No more EUM/AC for me. I am proud to say, I AM NOT THAT WOMAN ANYMORE!!!
So, so empowering and also heartbreaking as I realise the extent to which I am culpable in the amount of pain I have created for myself. I used to be that woman. For the first time, I realise it’s time to stop holding onto all that frustration and upset and forgive myself. There is only peace, happiness and self-love to gain. And I also realise that, if I had had applied these boundaries initially, there would have been no EUM relationships. I brace myself and accept the pain of healing to come and look forward to the future it will bring. I USED to be that Woman – I am NOT her anymore.
My love and thoughts to all those on the same journey. xxx
I loved your post. I agree with all you say and I aspire to do as you have done. I’m nearly there….but not quite x
Brilliant post! I laughed all the way through. I really am NOT that woman anymore. I do demand care, trust and respect from everyone now – friends and lovers alike. No matter how serious or casual an arrangement i have with a man, these are the things i now demand and i will not do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t take it personally when i meet someone who obviously doesn’t want a relationship and, because i now ask for total honesty and only engage with people who i judge to have integrity, i get complete honesty from men and can then decide if i want to engage or not. It is absolute bliss and i am SO content right now.
Oh and i got a text from the ex EUM last night, after 3 months NC. The moron sent me a dirty joke! There’s no way i’m going to respond to this juvenile and pathetic attempt to see if the door’s still open. I am not that woman
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Hey! Loved the post, though I believe it’s based on learning-the-hard-way experience. I personally feel that it’s not about standing your ground when it comes to being a party to a relationship. Isn’t love (or the the thing I refer to as love) supposed to be understanding and all about giving regardless of what you get. If both parties look on it that way there should be no ploblem or else they’re simply not meant to be together. It’s no use being in a relationship where you feel inferior or a tool for giving a boost to someone’s ego. If they don’t understand you you’re not on the same wavelength, pure and simple. And there’s one thing I know to be true – if it doesn’t happen by itself, it’s no good forcing it. You’ll know a person for you when you meet them.
Cheers!
4months of silence then a ‘Hi. How are you doing? x’
I mean really. wtf
Anyhow – GREAT list. Just wish it was business card size so we could hand them out to guys (or girls)!
Very hard, but I’m trying not to be that woman, as my EU ex keeps trying to see where he can get with me, offering sex without love and keeping in touch to see if the door is still open. Im NC but have relapsed and have to start again, he calls and wants to talk, to be friends(with benefits) and not to put anything of himself to get back to a proper relationship, one that he got terrified of and jumped out of. I now can see him more for the EU AC he really is thanks to this site. I’m loving me too.
This is just what i needed to hear today, are you psychic natalie?? lol. i’m going to live by these boundaries from now on. i won’t blindly walk myself into a situation because of my naivety and taking a man at face value – that’s just dangerous and i see that now, thankfully. he can bugger off with his frigging late night texts, and his frigging disappearing . i’m free of the BS and the lies and i’ll get my joy and joviality back. it was only four months but it feels like the longest time to have gone through this.
How about “I don’t care if another woman allowed your bad boy antics then cried foul and used them to smack your hand, control you and guilt you into kissing her ass, I am not that woman, I won’t play Mommy to your Little Boy.”
I have been pining away for an AC who prefers a mommy instead of a real woman. He’s used to the lifestyle of immaturity and control and manipulation, of his own and hers. I won’t do it.
Just had to add one to the list this morning after what I just received from an ex. Not my last one that I have been NC with for 8 months now but the one before him. So here goes…
I not that woman who responds to a thirsty text wishing me and the family a Happy Thanksgiving; just because its a holiday and that you think doing so will make you get a response back from me. We been done for 5 years or so now so how dare you. And the funniest thing is he text me every Thanksgiving and Christmas to see if he’ll get any kind of reaction. Its amazing how these wimps think. Enjoy your day ladies and Happy Thanksgiving!
Crikey, after 5 years! that’s unbelievable.
OMG! I have an ex who is just horrific, and he texted me every thanksgiving Xmas for 6 years. Finally, last thanksgiving I texted him back, “stop contacting me”
My new phone has call and text blocks.
Try 22 years. My old AC wanted to be friends on FB after 22 flippin years. All that told me is he has not changed!! LMAO
This is awesome! I’m guilty of being “that woman” on more than a few of these but this gives me something to strive for.
Natalie, thank you for all your wonderful insightful on target posts! I found this site as many of us have while dealing with an AC histrionic narcissist. Love your labels and terms so helpful. I am slowly recovering from my 2year involvement with a man I met while separated from my husband. I am in my 40′s, so is he. I crossed that first boundary myself which was my biggest mistake. I love the last 3 posts and will continue to refer to them. I was married for 14yrs have 2 young boys I am well educated I work in healthcare and education of nurses. But guess what, I was still ripe pickings for this out & proud AC. I am moving on but will not get involved with another man til I feel I am ready, til I am healed and until I know I can hold to all those wonderful boundaries.
I would like to share some insightful information that has helped me move on maintain NC and get my own validation from myself. If you have been involved with such a AC narcissist, it is often more difficult for you to let go, move on, digest the end and forget. Why? Well it comes down to the way we, healthy loving empathetic humans think, and it is called cognitive dissonance. These men truly do not feel, do not think and do not react like most “normal” adults do, to anothers pain. They are masterful actors, great maniupulators, and skilled socially often very skilled at sniffing out a source for their needed Narcissist supply. The feelings they broadcast to you, the drip-feed, future faking, the hot/cold,pushy/pull all are methods for them to maintain their needs, but the clincher is they often believe their own fleeting superficial feelings, we in turn believe them because they so skillfully broadcast them. BUT then when their needs are no longer being filled by us for some reason, the above bullsh*&t starts. AT that point we are thrown for a loop because we so fully believed. In order to move on, get a realistic perspective on this type of man, W Keith Campbell PHD , professor here in the US has a wonderful site, up-to-date studies etc. that has also been tremendously helpful. NC is a great step but the obsessive thinking, need for validation and overwhelming need for debriefing are more easily understood when you learn why the mind works the way it does. We did see good things, he showed us good things very often he believed those things, BUT he is truly incapable of feeling the depth, commitment, empathy and intimacy for sustaining a true relationship. Mine was out and proud, cheated on his ex wife many times, is a mate-poacher, had 2 new ones lined up, during our demise. Broke up the marriage of the newest one and they are so in love and its been only weeks since our ending. Cheated on me with them. I wonder what will happen next??? does anyone think he will change at age 47? Abused his ex emotionally then physically, and is an attention whore. Enough said, i still fell for him hard and deep, I did not know all these things, but i did ignore some red flags in the beginning, because i didnt keep my boundaries up. So ladies live learn educate yourself and forgive yourself, I am still aching and alone this Thanksgiving, kids with their dad, but I am healthy, smart, strong and going in to work to care for some very sick patients I am thankful that I can do that, and am no longer in a sick, toxic emotionally abusive, deceptive relationship.Yes all those AC toxic signs started to show up, i am now glad that I got out so soon… I am in therapy. It helps me to realize that he is actually a pathetic soul, and makes sense that certain men are are inherently like this. Not all mind you, I have hope.Blessings and strength to all of you, listen to Natalie and also take those small needed steps to take control, learn, read, therapy laugh, whatever, we will all be OK. Thanks from my heart I have needed this site!
Very intelligent and perceptive post. You have described my AC very well, and how I came to be hooked. I am still trapped in this toxic relationship, his charm and the sex are the magnets and the glue. I wish he’d switch off the charm, gads it would be SO easy to just walk away from him if he fitted the stereotype “abuser” profile. I wish he’d lose his temper and hit me, or hurl verbal abuse at me… my pride would then be activated and I would find it so easy to just walk away and never come back. The pain might hurt for five minutes but it would be like ripping off a band-aid, short and sweet, and far better than this long, slow, drawn out, drip-drip emotional torture as I cling on to him till my knuckles are white all the while knowing he is EUM and always will be.
If you say that he is an AC then you are already seeing the signs, the gut instinct is kicking in, his signals are already mixed. Are you having problems sleeping, nagging unease, tears after seemingly glorious intimate moments??? Women are definitely more emotionally intune, take a breather and listen and dont fight the fear. It hurts, I tried to deny what I was seeing, and it took a toll. He actually sensed that I was uneasy with the relationship, that is when he started with the scathing remarks, the pushy/pulling and hot/cold games. He verbally attacked my competency as a mother, would get angry at me because I had frustrating situations occur with the father of my boys. He being a divorced father knew the challenges. He is King Manipulator, knows my weak spots.
BUT the cheating is what pushed me over the edge, took a major blow like that, him test driving 2 others while holding onto the facade of us. I sensed his lies caught him in a few and played detective for the final wrap-up. He denied of course, but that was the beginning of the end. I went NC for 10 days, then he started up and I responded. I was a mess of course and started this long journey. He resumed his manipulation, tried to turn me into the other woman/booty call. I went along with mixed feelings obviously in emotional turmoil but my eyes wide open. I gave him enough rope to hang himself and he showed me his beautiful true colors. All along and til this day he says he loves me, yes he contacted me, Thanksgiving here in the states. He is now in a “relationship” with one of the 2 chosen girls. Poor girl…
I did not deal with this alone, my friends, some mutual to us both,helped me a great deal. Funny, when grown(mature40-50s)men, even say nasty things about their “buddy” You listen and learn. NC helped me these past weeks, and learning how his mind operates helped. Even him saying that he loves me today, that I am perfect for him, that he will always care,except that he doesnt want to raise my kids, sounded hollow. He even said that if he was not in this other relationship he’d like to be my lover. LOL. He admitted he pursued me heavily and he knew I had kids. He said he needs someone around him all the time, he says he has never been alone and I would not have been able to be there all the time.
Red Flag… for the next girl, maybe she to will learn the painful way. She even knew about me, the other one, and his attempts to keep me as booty call #2. The bonds I felt with our connection, the one caused by the hormone oxytocin, are weakening, but this hormone is like a drug to our brains and we actually go through withdraw from it. That is why I struggled and many of us struggle to break free. It is powerful.We can break free but we have to find other sources of pleasure, re-connecting with children, family, friends, new hobbies and activity. It is an actual withdraw process and takes time. But it does get better. good news is that the oxytocin bond will and can come again within a healthy truly glorious positive connection.
“The bonds I felt with our connection, the one caused by the hormone oxytocin, are weakening, but this hormone is like a drug to our brains and we actually go through withdraw[al] from it. That is why I struggled and many of us struggle to break free. It is powerful.”
I agree 100%. oxytocin can make utter fools of women! In my case, I allowed oxytocin (backed up by his phermones, his Mr Charming mask and his penis) to outweigh all the Red Flags and a myriad of truly ugly character flaws and many appalling behaviours.
wasted (and miriam below)
These guys are a waste of your time. You both have nice things to say about these men, to the effect they are not really ACs/abusers and are charming/affectionate. I don’t see that at all. I don’t know them but I see the effect that they have – you’re both unhappy, helpless and are/have been dancing to their tune. That is not the hallmark of a woman in a relationship with a person “with a good heart”. That’s a woman in a bad relationship. A good relationship builds you up, makes you feel stronger and supported.
You both think that if he had been more horrible it would have been easier to walk away. Not true. There are women on this site who have dealt with out-and-out ACs (criminals no less) and still can’t walk away. Why? Because they feel as helpless and indecisive as you do. How BAD does a man have to be before you say enough is enough? Would you put up with this unreliability from a female friend, an employee?, the plumber, your kid’s teacher ? (I hope not!). . Also, why does your decision to get out have so much to do with him? Listen to your own heart – if you are jumpy, anxious, unhappy, insecure then that’s your sign to get out. You don’t need to examine every inch of his being like a forensic psychologist looking for damning evidence – you have enough information. Listen to yourself, it’s all you have at the end of the day. Just you.
I don’t say any of this as a criticism, I have been through exactly what you are going through – there is nothing exceptional about these guys. The answer is the same – get out.
I agree with Grace. My EUM and A**clown had “good qualities” and there was never a time that he told me he would call that he didn’t. There was never a time when I called him that he didn’t answer his phone. There were, however, a few times near the end when I would call him and he’d ask me if he could call me back in 5-10 minutes – and he would call back. He was consistent with keeping in touch with me – yes. BUT, it’s now been rather clear to me that even with “reliability” – that was just phone calls. I couldn’t rely on him to see me, be honest with me. All the time he was calling me – he was probably seeing the very woman that he’s now living with. His good qualities, however, don’t belie the fact that he’s still the jerk who was such a coward that he called me on the phone to break up with me and tried to smooth it over with “it’s just a break” “I need some space”.
Oh, and he’s also been ‘reliable’ in trying to keep me hanging on a string. I’ve been 3 months NC, and am going into my 4th month. Well, A**clown gave me a 28 day break…and he called this morning around 10 a.m. – probably after his new girlfriend left for work or a hair appointment.
Yeah, he has such good qualities. He’s still not giving up in calling me to see how I’m doing. He’s so concerned that he just has to get through to me at some point, so he keeps calling – even after I’ve told him he’s dead to me and that it would be wise to just lose my number and not bother calling me at all. Yeah, his integrity and strong solid character just won’t allow him to hear a word I’ve said. Now, that’s a good man. (The last paragraph is SARCASM, of course) lol!
The fact still stands, that apart from possessing some good qualities, they are still betrayers – creeps nonetheless.
@Grace
“These guys are a waste of your time.” I agree 90%. Why only 90%? Because it’s been a learning experience: I will NEVER let a man treat me like this again.
” You both have nice things to say about these men, to the effect they are not really ACs/abusers and are charming/affectionate. ”
Sorry, you misunderstood me. Mine is an AC, a narc, AND he is also very charming and very affectionate. The charm and affection are masks, acts, False Selves, but we as women experience them as real. So, both statements are true (i.e. he’s an AC and he’s charming).
“unhappy, helpless and are/have been dancing to their tune.”
Agree mostly. I’m very happy when we’re having sex. It’s having to ever have a conversation with him that makes me unhappy. Guilty as charged to the other two though.
“You both think that if he had been more horrible it would have been easier to walk away. Not true.”
You cannot speak for everyone, Grace. My radar is very senstive to physical and verbal abuse. I would walk away instantly from a man who inflicted that on me. However, what I’ve never experienced, and therefore had no defence against, is the charming, smiling, butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-his-mouth manipulator.
“How BAD does a man have to be before you say enough is enough?”
Depends on how powerful the things pulling me the other direction are.
“Also, why does your decision to get out have so much to do with him?”
Now, that’s a really good question. Because women are indoctrinated generally to go along with what the man wants? Or because if you are accustomed within that particular relationship to letting him make all the decisions?
In my own case, I emailed my AC last night saying I think it would be a good idea not to see each other for the rest of the year. And I’ve been hanging on waiting for his reply… but why? Why didn’t I write: “I’m sick of your AC EUM narky ways, your arrogance, selfishnes, presumptuousness, stinginess, overblown sense of entitlement, lies, manipulations, poor me monologues, I cannot bear your company any longer, I’m going NC, never contact me again and I hope you rot in hell.”? (Actually, I quite like the above and will try to pluck up the guts to copy and paste that to him in an email later.) The only reason I didn’t write that is that I am still a tiny bit scared of burning my bridges back to another tumble between the sheets, that’s why!
I don’t say any of this as a criticism…– get out.
Didn’t take it as one. I hope we all get out in the end, but it’s going to be on each individual’s own timetable, not yours or mine.
@Wastedlove
I sympathise with your situation. My ex is not a narc (I am pretty sure of that). But he is text book EU (and possibly something of an assclown, but I am glad to say I am now beyond the point where I care to analyse him further. I know enough because I have suffered enough through the hot then cold, pull me then push me, intimate yet distant, loving yet hostile behaviour. It doesn’t matter what you call it – or why he is what he is- a rose by any other name is still a rose – or a thorn in our instances.)
I tried, as you have mentioned above, to ‘put my foot down’ with him many times, but I was always afeart to shut the door, to cut off my options completely, to not give him any route back in… so my attempts were half-hearted. I was not commited to ending it. So I know where you are coming from on this one.
All I can say is that emailing them to tell them ‘what you ‘suggest’ happens now, i.e. that you “think it would be a good idea not to see him for five months” is non-commital. You are now thinking of emailing him with an even stronger message to outline all the “reasons” why you think you should not see him, again – this too is non-commital.
I have been 4months now (virtually) NC. I have told him nothing about what I “think” should happen now. I have not made any “suggestions” to him, I have not told him I am “not contacting him”. I have had no discussion with him at at about “what is happening”.
Partly the reasoon for that is because I do not see the point. What’s to tell him? He will KNOW I am not “seeing” him, he will KNOW I am not “contacting” him – because I am not doing it, so he will figure it out all by his wee self! This is not something you need to tell them or drop them an email to tell them! (he never explained any of his dubious disappearing acts to me!!). The very fact that you are sending emails to tell him you are not contacting him only tells him that you are, in fact, contacting him! They are not daft.
The other reason for not “telling” him what I am doing is because when I started out on this course of action, I was till weak and vulnerable (still am to a point, but much less so) and I would not have been strong enough to cope with putting down to him ‘in writing’ the absolute finality for myself. So I decided to simply take the action, try my best to stick to it and hope that the longer I stayed in NC the clearer things would get, as I had been told on this site that this is what happens -and it does!! I decided to take action and try to take that action one day at a time. It is working for me, so far.
So I never made any “big statements” either to him or to myself. I simply knew (for the first time) that I had to do right by myself, impose some boundaries for myself, pick up my sense of self respect from off the floor, hold on tight to it and never let it go again. I stopped focusing my thoughts on him and tried to stay focussed on what I needed to do that is good for ME. So, Grace is right, you are focussing too much on HIM, on what the next thing to say to HIM might be, on what HE thinks, on what HIS reaction might be etc…
I understand what you say about ending it for good with no possible retraction – I felt like that. I was scared to jump off the cliff end (that feeling kept me in that relationship for years). But I don’t feel as if I did have to jump off the cliff end – this time I have not experienced that same level of fear that I did in the past when I ended it “for good” and went out of my way to tell him so! I didn’t jump off anything. I just stopped doing what *I* would usually have done. I just put a stop to behaviour of *my own* that had fuelled the relationship… and guess what? It all seems to have just chugged to a halt. I set BOUNDARIES and I tried to stick with them. I have. That’s is what it takes. No cliff end. No jumping. Just boundaries that will save you from continuing to chuck your self-respect down a drain with these men.
The weird thing is, that once you choose YOU – choose to respect yourself, the rest – the end – just naturally follows, because these relationships only survive on the premise that YOU trade in YOU, that you trade in your self -respect. That is the price. That is what you need to understand. Once you decide to stop paying it, they will go away, because there is nothing in it for them any more and you are no longer fuelling their behaviour (or your own).
You said in you last post, wastedlove:
“I will NEVER let a man treat me like this again.”
What men do you mean when you say that? All men? Or all men except for this current one?? Is he not included in that statement?
Perhaps you should revise your statement to this:
I will NEVER let THIS man – or ANY other – treat me like this again”.
There is your strating point. Then you start to get somewhere.
Good luck
F
@Susan
It still amazes how “generic” these AC’s are. I swear we were involved with the same guy. 47, blah blah blah. My exAC had his exFBG lined up this summer through our demise. I also believe he interfered with her in engagement to another man. Last I had heard, her sister said he was a great guy (the one she was engaged to), but then she left him to go back to my (our) AC and she was living in another state!! Guess what – they are no longer “friends”. Took my AC only 11 weeks with her – who knows – she may do it over and over again with him like I did. BUT I AM NOT THAT WOMAN ANYMORE – YEAH!! 84 days NC and I am excited for the holidays WITHOUT him – YEAH!!
Aimee
and all of you who find support like I have here, I am still continually amazed at the similarity in many of our experiences. I still find myself feeling pain and sadness, but the pain almost feels muted as time moves on. In its place is an awakening sense of peace and relief, and I am learning to be less harsh with myself for falling in love with such a despicable creature. I am learning to take care of me and also to address my issues relating to divorce and setting boundaries with an alcoholic mother. The A/C creature even used to play head games with me, he called it “reindeer games” his name for the cat & mouse game. I still have flashbacks and memories, which at first were all painful because they centered on what I was losing when losing him. Now thankfully the flashbacks are those that reinforce the true creature that he is. He fits the Player, Somatic Narcissist serial Cheater Alcoholic abuser Psych profiles. I just wish that I never found him so attractive, so physically enticing, so intune to me, so charming, so fun and so spot on in meeting my needs. But that was all in the beginning, when my narcissistic supply load for him was high. I can now admit I thought of breaking off but I felt often times that he was the lesser of two evils to deal with. The sex was amazing, and he always spoiled me with $$, we shared laughter and quiet times too. I am learning that he may have served a purpose in my life by making me focus on my real lack of boundaries and fears and I now hope to finally positively deal with ME.
He knew I was getting wary of him, and I started calling him out on his manipulative behavior, comments and stunts. I still held on to hope though. I am a healer and teacher by profession, a mother and caregiver by nature, the perfect victim for such a man. But victim no more!!! I am more disgusted in him than anything else, but I do fear my future somewhat. Hell he ingrained the phrases “I love you, your perfect for me but I don’t want to raise your kids.” I have no need or desire for a new father for my boys but the man needs to care for all us in some manner doesn’t he? Mind you He knew I came with kids from day one, 2 years ago, and pursued me relentlessly even with the warning from a good man, good friend, that he shouldnt lead me down this path if he has no intention of following through.
Told me just the other night on the phone the same “loving” words, said he’d be with me now if I didnt have kids, said our sex was the best and said that I would take him back if he didnt want a relationship with the OW, I laughed, but it hurt too. Those statements proved what an A/C he is. the FBG/OW is now his main squeeze, his ONE, and she has no children and is 13 years younger. I respect his choice for less responsibilty now that his daughter is in college, but the handling of our entire relationship, and especially the demise, shows what a slimy creature, albeit brilliantly packaged that he really is.
He is currently under fire from the Exboyfd of his new squeeze, the guy he poached her from. I hope her ex finds a way to keep his dignity, but I also hope that my A/C be on the receiving end of some pain, maybe a cold-cock to the face and gut???!!! Sounds good doesn’t it. I crave peace and serenity, he repulses me and I will not answer his calls again. I am not that woman anymore!
Another stunning post Natalie – every word is true. I am not that woman any more. I feel strong, confident, and have self-respect and self-care. I don’t need validation from a man child who does not want to give it but wants to play games and waste my time. I will no longer let him.
I learned something fascinating the other day during mediation. The mediator called my ex AC on his lack of coping skills. We had entered into a conversation in which I had said a number of things on this post – that my version of what happened was as true and valid as his and if I could respect that he saw and interpretted things differently, why could he not offer me the same respect? He refused, saying his version of “reality” was the only one. The look of horror on the supposedly impartial mediator’s face was totally worth every single thing I had been through.
Anyway, the conversation then turned to coping strategies. She was concerned that his only means of dealing with the hurt and anger he felt after I had rejected his friendship and called him an assclown was to begin a smear campaign against me to devalue and attack the source of his hurt. It got me to thinking about what my coping strategies had been in the past and what I have learned now. There was no question that when the relationship ended, I had no coping strategy for it. I did everything I could to avoid the pain of the rejection, hung on in pointless hope and embarrassed myself on a few occasions. Then I found this site and a few other sources of information and inspiration and began to change my thinking, adopt healthier habits and beliefs, learned coping strategies like journaling and really learning to feel my emotions without trying to control them. The insanity went away, along with the uncontrolled behavior and impulsive reactions that now fill me with regret. Its how we cope with these relationships – the rejection, the pain, the running hot and cold – that really define who we are and determine how well we hold onto our core and that image of ourselves as a strong, confident woman that this post so beautifully details. When I can comfort and care for myself, I can weather any storm. I no longer desparately “need” him to validate me or love me or fix it. I can do all that, and with greater love and respect than he was ever going to offer.
I am no longer that woman – I can cope with the pain and learn to chose better next time.
Debra,
Thanks for sharing that; it’s a very interesting and insipring comment. Since we are usually the only ones privvy to the way these guys handle the ‘relationship’ we tend to wonder if we are making too big an issue of it all, but it just goes to show that when their attitudes are revealed in front of another, impartial invividual, that other person is also shocked by them. There’s validation for you! If you ever needed it.
Good luck to you. You are a better person than he is. He is still “that” guy!
Debra,
That is a brilliant testimony to this site if I have ever read one. Thanks for sharing! A similar thing happened in divorce court when both sides of lawyers AND the judge came out of chambers laughing, and when I asked why, they were laughing at my ex’s unrealistic behavior and revenge like demands which he felt were completely innocent and insisted his lawyer bring up even though she advised against it. It is validating to see how delusional they really are once we step out of the pile.
“I don’t care if you’re used to pressing The Reset Button and acting like nothing has happened and getting away with it. I’m not that woman. I will remember. ”
My A/C accused me of “dwelling” on things because I kept calling attention to his “pressing the reset button.”
Also, even though you have covered a MYRIAD of “relationship sins,” there is one I feel should be added (it’s one I’M guilty of….):
“My pleasures and fun are just as important as your pleasures and fun. I will not submerge my pleasures and fun and yield to yours. You will spend equal time with me engaging in my pleasures and fun.”
Absolutely fabulous!
For anyone who has a burning desire to HAVE contact-THIS is what needs to be said. Thankful for people like you Natalie who bring the real talk to the table.
Lisa, I read the link. OH MY GAWD! The A/C I dated had 70% of those symptoms.
To wish I found this:
Same here, my ex was EUM but not total AC. He simply never wanted any commitment including any planning. I always felt uncertain as to when I’d see him again, the anxiety was terrible.
Otherwise when we spent time together, he was very nice, courteous, encouraging, affectionate, the whole nine yards. This is why it was harder for me to go NC, he has a good heart but no commitment to responsibility.I do miss seeing him but I come first now.
Miriam,
I understand exactly what you mean when you say that the anxiety was terrible. I have or had the same relationship! I say have or had because he is constantly breaking it off with me, just to come back to start again. It was also exhausting …never knowing when I was going to get a call. He would be in the area of my apartment, call to know if he could stop by to talk. Which was usually him proclaiming that he was sorry that nothing had changed and that he was only here to see how I was doing? Which out of my need to hold on to him..would allow him to have a shag. Which at first I thought was love, but after he was out the door, he wouldn’t call for days. Then tell me that he dated 3 other women in 3 days but they weren’t for him! But weirdly some how I felt relief from that. Thinking oh now I can move on because this was the final straw.
I now have gone from girlfriend, to friend, to friend with benefits, to the other women in 2 yrs! After today when I need to find the strength and I will go through this post again and again, my motto to him will be:
“I don’t care if other women (including me) have let you have sex with them when you have demonstrated or even said you’re not interested in them/don’t want a relationship. I’m not that woman.”
I realize that I can only control me and my actions. Even though I have been guilty of thinking the sex is so great that it will keep him. I always knew that it really doesn’t make a difference if you have been managed down to think that the crumbs are some how okay. Because they are not!!! The anxiety is too much. And the waiting for him to choose me is torture and looking in the mirror is me saying what is wrong with you don’t you have a bit of self-respect? I’m working on that.
Almost every one of these is or was me. But I’m not and wont be that women and longer.
I can be the one that chooses now, and I chose me!!!
Lily, thank you for your wonderful post! My “relationship” exactly like yours, first – girlfriend and now a FB, and it is for three years now, and I cant give him up, what is wrong with me?!!! I read all books of Natalie and posts and it is all great and I agree with everything she says but I cant use all my knowledge by actions:-(
I am so embarrassed to admit that I allowed this AC to threat me like that during almost three years, what a waste of time:-( WHEN I FINALLY LEARN? I think I need a brain transfer….
I need to embrace the pain, the sting of rejection, the reality of both sides, the fear of abandonment, the loneliness, the betrayal, and on and on. I will then get to the other side and know that I can cope and care for me. I will be a better and wiser person for it. If I feel all those things as deeply as I can, they will serve as reminders for future reference to keep me safe. I WAS THAT WOMAN! I am reminded of a song that my 21 yr old daughter played for me during one of her break-ups. “I’m not who I was” by Brandon Heath, a very beautiful song I think. Thank you Natalie and ladies for sharing, I am inspired!
So beautiful!!!! Thank you for these words of inspiration and for helping women everywhere to love themselves 1st!!!!
What an awesome post. I went to see my own family for Thanksgiving. I drove my car all by myself in the snow, and managed just fine without him this holiday. I am thankful that he has not responded to my less than intelligent initiatives to re-engage, and that my friends and family say I have never looked and acted more happy than I do now. I am thankful for the courage to walk away from him and to my own future. Thanks for your inspirational writing.
Natalie,
What an angel you are. Even the most successful, self aware and confident women among us fall for “those guys”. Your post today reminded of all the reasons I said goodbye to my “assclown” of two years….yesterday….
At Grace, Lilly
Grace: yes, I see it now after 3 months no contact. After working on myself since, I see that he was a total waste of time. The bad gut feeling was what ultimately made me go NC. He is as unreliable as they come, problem was I needed his validation. Now I know that I don’t need anyones’s validation but my own. This was a great learning experience though, I feel like I’m finally growing up and being comfortable with myself in my own skin. Lots of self improvement is planned, but now I know I don’t need any more bs in my life, I’m better off alone than with any ACs, I’ll patiently wait to meet someone worthy.
I especially liked the part about the “disappearing acts” . I agree, if you disappear, STAY DISAPPEARED!
When my ex acted horrifically, and I would call him on it, instead of a discussion, it would be a horrendous blaming session and then he would disappear, reappear a few months later, and pretend nothing happened. When I would call him on his horrible behavior again, he got all upset at me for bringing it up. And I just said, “just stay gone… stop bothering me”
and he texted every Xmas and Thanksgiving for about 5 or 6 years, with no contact from me.
Talk about desperate.. These men are desperate. I am still on his mind after six years? How sad.
Thank you, thank you. Marvelous list. If it were the lyrics to a song I’d memorize every stanza and make it my talisman tune. Shared it with my best chum and she is equally smitten with the list.
I am NOT that woman… but I was, in many respects (ironic choice of wording) and being present with myself keeps me from being that woman again.
Brilliant stuff you share. Thank you.
My situation is exactly like WastedLove’s is. It is so hard. This guy is wonderful to me but insists on not becoming committed to me. He wants to continue to date around but he does not push it me my face. He tries hard not to hurt me and I know that he likes me a lot. I can tell by his actions. He buys me things, takes me places, and has me over all of the time (we do not have sex everytime he see’s me. As a matter of fact we have been dating for 7 months and have probably slept together 5 times and I did not sleep with him until our 4th or 5th date). However, I am the one always making the plans to see him. This last time after I cooked him Thanksgiving dinner I told him that he is going to be the one to make the next plans. I told him that he is going to have to put forth some effort if he wants to see me anymore. I am going to start dating more and not make him my priority any longer. He lives an hour away from me so I only see him on the weekends. I have been wondering since I left his house yesterday when and if he will make plans to even see me again. Maybe if I start dating other people more and find someone that I am interested in other than him, it will make it easier to move on. I know that sounds terrible but I am pretty darn sure that I love this man. It is so hard! I have never in my life have been in a relationship this difficult. It is like it is constant work and none of my other relationships were like this. They were just good and fell into place. I have to do the no contact and pull back here and there and play hard to get in order for him to contact me sometimes. Just weird as hell. I wish that I felt strong enough to just walk and see if he would follow I am just too afraid at this point that he wouldn’t. I have saved this site to my favorites so when I am feeling down, I can refer back to it. I feel so sad.
Feeling
He likes you a lot but that is clearly not enough for you. He tries hard not to hurt you but that isn’t enough either. To be honest, if had a shred of decency he would break up with you and free you up instead of stringing you along and taking up your precious time. He is getting something out of this, and this is working for him. It ain’t working for you.
I wouldn’t be so quick to see another man as the solution. Why not be on your own for a while, enjoy your own company, reconnect with your friends and family, develop your own interests. Men are not the answer to our problems or a fix for difficult times. You need to be in a good place yourself before you can find a good man. Otherwise, there is the very real danger that you’ll just end up leapfrogging from one unworthy man to another in a desperate attempt to avoid any pain and, yes, responsibility.
I say this because I did it myself for 20 years and wish someone had told me 20 years ago what I know now.
He’s not worth your time. Get rid of him.
@ Feeling-the-pain. Your situation is similar to mine. Never mind bookmarking, the best thing you can do is to spend ALL your free time on this site until you have read every page and every comment. This site has done more to bring me to my senses in just one week than eight months of trying to work WITH him to build the kind of relationship that suited both of us.
Also, most importantly, I am pretty certain that you are misinterpreting what NC no contact means. You say “I have to do the no contact and pull back here and there and play hard to get in order for him to contact me sometimes”
NC (as I am interpreting it) means no contact because we need to break our addictions to these men. It’s not a manipulative strategy to get a man back. It is not playing hard to get — it’s being impossible to get because you don’t want him in your life any more. That’s my interpretation and I hope others will confirm.
“I wish that I felt strong enough to just walk and see if he would follow I am just too afraid at this point that he wouldn’t. ”
Yes, same here. I’ve been thinking the identical things for months — what game can I play to “make” him want me, chase me, commit to me, follow me, realise we are meant to be together. That’s what you want, too, isn’t it? Well read every page and comment on this site and you WILL start to wake up out of your dream and realise this: IF he wants you he would ALREADY have taken steps to secure your relationship (by committing, etc).
If you want my advice, here it is: firstly, decide if you really do want THIS man above any other. Is he just a bit wishy-washy about commitment or has he got deep issues? Is he in fact the type of personality you want, or would you need to change him? (If the latter, don’t bother, go NC now.)
Then write to him, and tell him straight exactly what it is you want. Don’t be afraid, don’t hold back. If you want marriage, say so clearly. If you want monogamy, again, be straightforward, clear and honest. Don’t whimper, don’t grovel, don’t compromise, don’t whine and don’t threaten. Keep your tone steady and polite. Tell him these are your minimum requirements and if he cannot meet them, there is no future in your relationship. If he replies with anything short of what you want, then reply that the relationship is over and go NC. Genuine NC, not a strategy to bring him to his knees but a strategy to get you over the addiction.
The thing is, whatever you write and whatever he replies, you will not be able to change his basic character. You’ve got to take him as he is, or not at all.
Yes it’s painful, REALLY painful (believe me, I have sobbed myself stupid over my AC until I nearly vomited) but it really HAS to be done. I’m only three metres down the road ahead of you on this road to recovery, I never dreamed I’d get to this point, never dreamed I’d ever write what I wrote to him last night. I’m still wanting him desperately, but then when I gave up smoking I wanted a fag desperately, but my longing was not a sign that cigarettes are GOOD for me, was it?
In my own case, there is no point in my writing to my AC with a list of what I want in the hope that he will meet them, because (a) he’s not the kind of man I want a proper relationship with and (b) I know that he would not give me anything on my list, even if I did. This is because his entire personailty is flawed and cannot change, but this might not be the case with your b/f.
Hope this helps, I wish you all the best, keep us posted.
Isn’t amazing how when we think we are alone in our experience someone else seems to have read a page from our own personal diary and placed it on the website? Every time I read a post I feel less and less weak for my past behavior and feel not alone. I am so grateful for having found this website when I was at my weakest. Although it took me a year to get over my EUM, I did it because of the website and posts from other individuals who seem to be sharing my life. I come back frequently for reinforcement and I feel a sense of sisterhood in the coming back. My web therapist. Thank you everyone and especially to you Nat for creating the site. Be well everyone.
Bish — you took the words right out of my mouth! Yes, I concur with every single sentence you have written above. This blog is saving us from so much, giving us “strength-in-numbers”. We are a true sisterhood.
Thank you! This expresses how I feel even if I haven’t been as faithful to no contact as I’d like to be, I’m on a no contact for life plan now. I’m not that woman anymore. As the Japanese proverb goes “Fall seven times, stand up eight.”
I love that! (Fall seven times, stand up eight)
“I don’t care if other women have been prepared to ‘go with the flow’ when there is no flow or you’ve been flowing backwards. I’m not those women. I am entitled to be with someone who is not afraid to see a future with me.”
To use Nats words “or ‘drip feeding me’ – THAT is not a FLOW!!”
“I don’t care if you’re used to playing a cat and mouse game. I’m not that woman. You’re either in or you’re out. ” Come to stay or stay away!!
I found the perfect poem in the front cover of “How to Survive the Loss of A Love”. It’s the perfect description of how the “hot and cold” can tear apart the heart. I’ll post it if anyone is interested or if I am allowed.
Hi Aimee,
I’m interested in the poem – post it! or tell me the page…i am pretty sure I own that book.
Nat – I hope it ok that I posted this!
Limbo – “How to Survive the Loss of A Love”
My life has fallen down
around me before —-
lots of times —-
for lots of reasons —-
usually other people.
and most of the time
I was fortunate enough
to have a large lump of
that life hit me on the
head and render me numb
to the pain & desolation
that followed.
and I survived.
and I lived to Love again.
But This,
this slow erosion from below
—- or within—-
It’s me falling down around my life
because you’re still in that life
—- but not really.
and you’re out of that life
—- but not quite
I do alright
alone
and better
together
but
I do very poorly
when
semi-
together.
in solitude
I do much
in love
I do more
but
in doubt
I only transfer
pain to paper
in gigantic Passion Plays
complete with miracles and martyrs
and crucifixions and resurrections.
come to stay
or
stay away.
this series of passion poems
is becoming a heavy cross to bare.
Copied from the front on “How to Survive the Loss of A Love”, can’t seemd to find the page number. Great book, another is Necessary Losses.
So very true – I absolutely relate to that 100%. thank you for taking the time to write all of that of out. I might go try and find that book …I read it years ago after a divorce and remember it being very comforting. Thanks Aimee.
This is the best post I’ve read in a REALLLLY long time. I want to send the entire thing to my ex-boyfriend.
@sediqua22
He text 5 or 6 years without any contact from you? Shows you just how lame he was doesn’t it? My ex from 5 years ago text me on Thanksgiving. Not my ex that I have been NC with for 9 months now;although he’s made several wimpsy attempts to reappear and contact me but got no response. And they always wait until holidays to poke back in. I agree; if you dissapear stay gone. Popping back up months and a year or so later doesn’t mean a thing has changed with these ass clowns.
I found this post and this blog from a link up at another site. I’ve read further and found your posts on not being the OW and on knowing when/that he isn’t going to leave “her” for “you”. I shared it with a friend of mine in need of some relationship advice; she was surprised that I would read them and agree. You see, my husband and I practice ethical nonmonogamy. The key word being /ethical/. We don’t cheat; we don’t lie to each other or our other partners. We do, however, make mistakes and myself in particular have fallen for the wrong person. I value what you share here and especially like this post.
Thanks!
No matter how many days/weeks/months you stay in NC there are days when you have to stop yourself from tryng to get in touch with them. I have questioned my sanity on ocasion when the wanting, longing, or whatever you want to call it for him is so strong, i do anything just to get him out of my head. I have even created a txt message but never intended to send it.
It’s a funny thing that last year i sat alongside him and told him i thought i should ‘set him free’ because i thought i was holding him back from things he might want to do. You see, i dont like flying – he does, i dont like confined spaces – he does and there are lots of other things he ‘likes’ which i dont. His reply was that ‘ i dont want to be set free, i am happy with you’. Which since our relationship ended because of his cheating confuses me. If he was happy with me and the way things between us were, why then did he feel the need to add another female into the equation i did not know existed? This is one of the things i cannot get my head around, we had a fantastic physical relationship together, we were both always so fulfilled, we laughed, we cried, we enjoyed each other’s hobbies and togetherness and THEN he spoils it all because i could NEVER accept sharing him with anyone else knowingly. Of course, i did not know i was sharing him with someone else and i was so hurt when i discovered his deception. I trusted him implicitly and feel kicked in the teeth.
For me, there is no going back, things would never be the same i am certain of that, so i stay away in NC, i hurt, i cry on occasion, i feel totally gutted for the what might have been, was, and could have been. He is a hard act to follow but definitely AC/EUM so i go onward getting over him, or at least knocking him off his pedestal, and hopefully when healed i can try to fnd someone else to share my life with.
My apologies for being late to this. Putting my agnosticism aside, gotta say Amen & Hallelujah!!!
It’s amazing what women will put up with just to have a warm spot next to them in bed. Please know that you’re worth so much more than that. We all make mistakes; learn from them, dust yourself off and try again. Walk away from the assclowns and, if you’re a heathen like me, give ‘em the finger while you’re walking away.
Wow… Betta than “Sham Wow”! This list just went on
& perfectly on! Left no stone in my EGO’s mind unturned!
The truth is ladies & gents, for every emotionally
unavailable, man, woman, friend situation we attract into our
lives, is an equally emotionally unavailable self! It’s true, they
may do the meaner, nastier things & we get the shorter end
of the stick, with all our seemingly kind gesture’s. But water
seeks it’s own level, & humans too, attract our own
emotional levels. Finding recently, this site, this list ( and
reading as fast as I can other posts & watching youtube
videos) helped me to wake from the coma (I kept myself in). I kept
pointing the finger outward when in reality all these fello’s
& also women I’ve attracted as friends, over the years,
have only been mirrors!!!! It’s not about them ever! It’s what’s
inside of you, when you feel love & respect for yourself,
you will draw like a magnet the same! I have a saying ” I love
myself enough, not to allow others not to”! With these recent
insights I’ve received from Natalie, I feel like I have the last
few pieces of my 1000 piece puzzle all completed! My plee’s
& cries & yells of “why does he do that” have ALL
been answered without any doubt! I have the “no contact” rule in
place, now the only emotions I’m making myself available to, are my
own!!! MORE VIDEOS NATALIE there like medicine for me!
Lola Exactly. The penny finally dropped (after 20+ years of
crap relationships) with counselling and reading this site. My
counsellor said to me “You must have low self-worth to be in these
exploitative relationships. Why else would you?”. I had to concur.
We need to work on our value to ourselves and see ourselves as
someone worthy of OUR OWN love and protection. Also, if I play
games, rely on my sex appeal, manipulate (however sweetly), fail to
listen to what the other party is saying, ignore my
conscience/values, steam on ahead without stopping to think, lie to
myself, am cynical about love/relationships, or if I’m afraid, if I
am aloof in the relationship, if I’m not open and honest, then I’m
bound to end up with an EUM. Because I’m acting like one myself.
It’s a bitter lesson but worth learning.
Hi all, I’m in day 9 of NC. I’ve been sitting on the
internet reading everything available about being the other woman.
I cannot believe how similar our stories are. It is like you were
all here with us. I don’t know how I did it for two years. Last
year, after the most miserable holidays of my life, sitting at home
alone while he was with his wife and family texing me, I promised
myself I would not be in the same position at Christmastime 2010.
As Christmas 2010 approached, I found myself precisely in the same
position. I did not realize it when it was happening but I started
the “when are you leaving her” discussions repeatedly. The excuse
of I’m waiting until my daughter leaves for college in summer 2011
shifted to I can’t leave my wife so soon after the death of our son
and my daughter may be staying in town to go to school.
Fortunately, I watched a program that night on cheating spouses and
discovered that this is standard. They don’t leave. They keep
making excuses. I don’t want to be that woman, the other woman. He
actually finally understood my despair as this will be the first
holiday without his son. He ended it. He realized he could not do
this to me anymore and that because he loved me, he couldn’t put me
on the sidelines anymore. He has not attempted any contact and
neither have I. I’ve used the time to get my act together. However,
his break-up speech sounded too good to be true. He, like all the
others, is a master of manipulation. I expect something after this
weekend. I’m ready and I’ll be strong. I’ve written two scenarios.
Scenario A which contains actions I would take to get on with my
life and Scenario B which contains the sadness and despair I would
have to continue to endure as the other woman. If he contacts me,
should I send it to him? Because he was married, we spent two years
at my house. In addition to being an AC, he was cheap so I don’t
have a lot to throw away but he invaded my house. Everything in my
house and my back yard reminds me of him, including what used to be
my music. I can’t get rid of my house, my yard, and my music. How
do I reclaim my house? Thank you for this site and for all your
articles, posts, and comments. It has really helped.
Runner, “He realized he could not do this to me anymore and
that because he loved me, he couldn’t put me on the sidelines
anymore. ” Please do not mislead yourself by thinking he did the
honorable thing: He knew your were serious and the pressure was on,
he had to get out. If this guy cared about anyone but himself, he
would never have put his wife and children through this, nor would
he have strung you along. Trust me, he will be looking for someone
who places no new demands on him, he’s looking for attention and a
good time. Married men are a no win!
Allison is right, runnergirl. You need to get out of this
situation. Don’t send him anything. He doesn’t need an explanation!
He knows better than you what position he has you in – married men
having affairs keep many secrets and tell many lies – to everyone!
-you don’t know the half of it – you are walk blindfold through a
minefield in these situations. As for reclaiming your space and
your music – try not to wallow in sentimentality over what are just
“things”. They have not been touched by “the hand of a god”! Don’t
idolise him. He is just a another human being ( he is not a god or
a ghost!) and not one that has behaved at all well to you or to his
family. It is your home – not his; your music, not his. You don’t
need to claim anything back – it’s still yours. As the other woman
who does not want to be that woman anymore… maybe this will help:
this is not just about you and your feelings for a man… it’s also
about a mother, a father, their children, a family – and one that
has already suffered the loss of a child. You are in the fog of
“love” (that love should conquer all). but sometimes “love” has no
business conquering all – and it does not so much “conquer” as it
does “destroy”… sometimes “love” has to step aside. Be the bigger
person here…you won’t regret it. You will regret it if you keep
hanging on. Walk away… knowing it is the right thing to do… the
only thing to do. Take care and good luck. F
Thank you so much Allison and Fearless, you are exactly
right. The pressure was on and he knew he had to get out. He is a
politican, so he knew he knew precisely what to say to appear
honorable. He is about him and a maintaining a family man facade.
Thank you for the thoughts about my house and my music. It is my
house and my music. I don’t have to reclaim anything. Sheesh, I am
in a fog. I am deifying and villifying him. This “love” was
destroying me, his wife, and his daughters. It certainly conquered
and destroyed me. I do feel the relief that has been expressed by
so many others. I won’t send him anything. We talked, fought, and
cried for two years about how awful it was. You are right, he knows
what he has done. Living a life filled with lies and deception is
not living. I’m not walking away, I’m running away. It’s day 11 of
NC and I’m feeling better everyday. You have helped so much. I’m
going to hike on MY hiking trail, listen to MY reggae, and work in
MY back yard. And wash MY sheets! You are great. Done wallowing in
his crap. Thank you. I’m not that woman, the other woman.
@runner
As for reclaiming your space….maybe some ideas. A bit of feng shui/int des view. Clean it, floors, walls, windows. Go to town. Shift furniture into new positions, swap pictures around, a new rug can make it feel like new. Personally I am pretty big on getting a new mattress if its possible. I just have a thing about memories in beds. Wierd I know. Still I got one after divorcing, in fact a whole new Muji bed. I slept a whole lot better. Soz swinging a bit off topic here, but sometimes its nice to focus on practical stuff, not just the emotional fallout.
I find home space so important. I also had a life knapper, well we only stayed at his pad, maybe 4 times in a year. So my place was really consumed with memories. I painted walls and made it feel like new. It helped. It is an interesting tendency of the EU phenomenon that they imprint our space more, that way they don’t suffer the triggers as much after breaking up. They just fly fly away…..
Hey there Fearless, I’ve read a lot of your posts on this
site and you are so spot on. Thank you. I went for a hike today on
MY hiking trail, I worked in MY back yard, and I lit MY fire. I
also bought candles for ME. They were on sale, caught me eye, and
my first thought was I don’t “need” them, he isn’t coming over
anymore. I stopped in my tracks and bought the candles for ME. I
like them. Tomorrow, I’m going back and buy more because I like
them. I am stunned with how much I did for him rather than me.
Thank you so much for your advice that I did not have to “reclaim”
MY house and MY music. I’m waiting on the music thing, however,
because I don’t want to relapse. It’ll come. I deleted all the
“love songs” he sent me on utube…cheap MF. Threw away a few
little things and need to buy new sheets tomorrow. Now, I’ve got to
delete all the emails and text messages before I forward them to
his wife! I’m still pissed off and want to smack him hard. But, I
was complicit in the lies and deception. Thus, I want to smack me
too. I really liked your post about not sending him a text or email
saying that you aren’t going to text or email him. Your actions by
not texting or emailing him spoke way louder than any text or
email. Day 11 tomorrow.
Hi Ruth, Great suggestions. Thank you. You are right about
how they imprint our space and then just seemingly fly away.
Sometimes for me focusing on the practical stuff helps with the
emotional fallout and vice versa. Before reading your post, I
started cleaning my den. The rug is a great idea, I need a new one
anyway and we spent a lot of time on the rug by the fire. I’m going
to have to settle for new sheets though, can’t afford a new matress
yet. Oh dear what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to
decieve. I’m going to go clean the shower and the bathroom and buy
new rugs for there as well. Thanks sooooo much all.
I coined a phrase a few years ago, when I caught on to what
“EU” men do, when I allow them to do it, because I was EU to myself
as well. And that is, keeping me “emotionally hostage”. I would
feel lonely, wanting emotional companionship & there my
little lap top was, ohh so ready to bring it to me, in the form of
“chat rooms” & other lone-lies (interesting word huh?) They
would come on fast & whisk me & my imagination away
quickly. I got to feel some kind of worth. Some kinda “I was
someones, one & only”. Like I was the bomb! Had all the
right words & smilies to keep their attention. “ohh I gotta
take this call”, “go to the bathroom”, “eat dinner” “sleep”… “can
I add you as a friend?”, “let’s chat again tomorrow”! Ok byeeee
xx’s & oo’s:)… And then nothing… a day passes then 2
weeks, 3 months later it’s him up on my screen, “where have you
been”! Another senario, Mr. UE a million miles away… Ohh he/the
many’s, wants to chat for days on end, then he wants to call
& talk for days on end & lead me on, with a variety
of things, my lil’ self so longs to hear!… But I’m wise to it all
now, even the serial text-ter’s, that feel so exciting, till I
realized that all those guys wanted is what I call a “Texting
Floosy” I was getting wise all on my own, lil’ by lil’, but Natalie
just put the friggen huge cherry on top & gave me the final
dose of reality I needed! With all she offer’s here & on
her video’s. Yes some of these “long shots” do work out, we’ve all
heard the stories, but I’m learning to follow & listen to
my gut, more quickly and doing my own “not connecting” through
those avenues. One popped up this very morning, saying “where have
you been? You really rocked my world”!.. i didn’t take the bait,
just clicked him off, for him to go use his “bait” some where else.
I really wanted to say “yeah I rocked your world huh!” “what was
that, like 2 months ago?” “well take that rock & clunk
yourself upside your head!” I am feeling so free of the lies, I
told myself… No more!
Thanks NML! I’m in day 8 of my second attempt at No
Contact. I was about to break down but reading this post helped me
sustain the courage in believing that I am worth it. My assclown
stood me up. I thought as always that I’ve done something wrong,
but I’m positive after reading this website – he’s playing with my
mind. I’ve read this post over and over again to realize that I am
worth it, and that I shouldn’t let anyone let me think otherwise.
Even if my own perception of what happened is only my perception…
I deserve someone who will atleast take the time to sort through
and talk about what happened—not just disappear AGAIN!! Nope. I’m
worth it. And yeah it’s gonna be tough to let him go…but I am
WOMAN!! I am strength.
Haha that is extremely funny/ironic because my ex AC did the EXACT thing 2 weeks ago after 4 months of no contact. Except mine is even crazier and put a “doc” at the end of it…”how’ve you been doc?”
… freak. Seriously, “if you disappear on me, you’d better stay disappeared!” lol