Dee has kindly shared her thoughts on The No Contact Rule and she is a great example of how you can turn the tables on him and your negative experience and gain something really positive – YOU.
“My No Contact actually began by HIM cutting off contact with me…. completely! The relationship ended over a heated argument/situation. I panicked, called incessantly, text messaged etc, and he stopped replying or never replied at all.
I then came to my senses and stopped the madness!
Now I am thankful that he cut off all contact because he did me a favour – I’m grateful for it!
I stopped the madness and just cut off all contact. It’s been nearly 3 weeks and I feel very proud of myself. No phone calls, or texts. I feel empowered to move on. I do have urges, but I just think of how bad he talked to me and treated me.
He reduced me from a vibrant, beautiful, intelligent, woman, to becoming a woman with low self-esteem. I had to remember who I was and how much I enjoyed loving life, WITH HIM NOT IN IT!!!
It’s hard, and yes I do wonder if he even notices that I quit contacting him. But he is so self absorbed, I doubt it. And I know things will get better with each passing day that I don’t contact him.
I’ve moved on and know I’m all the better for it. It’s nice to know there are others out there struggling with the same issues. Ladies, have faith! Don’t let any man reduce you to feeling like you are nothing.
It’s hard when you just want someone to love. However we can do soooo much better! God is good and he will take care of us and all you can do is pray for the EUM (Mr Unavailable).
Somewhere in their lives they did not receive the love and nurturing they needed to function as loving adults. Just know that you can’t fix this no matter how hard you try! It’s not our fault. It’s not YOU; it’s THEM….Move on and God bless!”
NML says: Dee, you are living proof that you can intervene on the madness and change the programme.
What you have shown is that even if he is the one to cut off the contact, you can take control of the situation, own it, and regain your power – you don’t need these spineless men!
Your initial panicked behaviour will only have served to massage his ego and he will have felt like he had the upper hand. By the time his ego finally recognises that it’s not getting a stroking from you and that it won’t be anytime soon, you will be happily living your life.
3 weeks in is when smokers normally lose the urge for the cigarette after giving up smoking, and you are coming into the home straight now. Focus on how you feel and the positives – when you recognise that your life is better and that you feel better as a person when he’s not in your life, it is a sign that you are right to ditch him and to stay away from him.
Often when these men cut us off, it’s their own twisted way of teaching us a lesson. It’s like we’ll think twice about arguing or challenging them, or effectively throwing our proverbial toys out of the pram. It’s about control and they don’t like feeling like we are not falling in line with their plan or making things too uncomfortable for them.
He dictates the pace and he has a certain level (The Status Quo) that he is comfortable with. Act like you two are the most amazing, committed couple on earth and he’ll find a reason to create trouble to bring things to more comfortable level. Take things down a step too far by having the balls to call him on his behaviour and he’ll ditch you to rebalance things.
Stick to your no contact and remember that the key to moving forward is to stop caring whether he’s thinking of you and to stop worrying about whether he’ll get in touch. But you know what, the more you get on with your life and feel good about you, the less you care!
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I blocked contact in every way I could think of. He knows full well that I do what I say I will do and probably doesn’t think I mean it about HIM of course (classic narcissism, with all signs and symptoms) so if he has tried to get in touch or not I don’t know, and I am making myself believe each day that passes that I don’t care. Lucky escape!
My God. To think I was all alone. I have not told my story but I had to post here. The eggshell part really got to me in one of the lower posts. I am very confident and he started to make me feel all needy and low self esteemish and he could not assure me. He actually just walked out on me and its been two months. No contact for three weeks. I have not tried and neither has he. This site is a Godsend.
I was married to an EUM and never realized it until I was reading these posts. He was a cop in a small town but thought A LOT about himself. He was moody and hard to live with but somehow it was always my fault. He wasn’t like that until we married and he got me away from my friends. He would get upset with me over silly things and then not speak to me for 2-3 days. I would try so hard to make up with him but it would only get worse. I would go to bed crying and he would just walk through the bedroom and sigh and tell me to “knock it off”. He finally came home after 11 months of marriage and threw his wedding ring on the coffee table and said he “didn’t feel married” anymore. He said there wasn’t another woman but he still threw me out. He was taking his new girlfriend to his son’s baseball games within 2 weeks to show her off. I would call him and text him constantly at first. Finally, I called him one Sunday asking him why was he doing all this? Didn’t he love me? Didn’t he miss us? He screamed into the phone..”There is no US”. I never called him again. The NC rule is good thing. You’re not doing to see if the guy will miss you, or notice you’re not around. You’re doing it for yourself. So, you can just not sit and think about him all the time. Make yourself do something, anything. I would clean out my purse, wash my car, call a friend. I promise that eventually you will get through it. Be strong ya’ll.
@Missy
Wow! I have a lot of respect for woman like you! What he did was terrible and I’m glad you have moved on.
This site is a godsend. I was so so in love with him, like never before, told him all my secrets everything, he slowly but surely grinded me down from a confident independant woman to an insecure attention seeking mess….told me no one wanted to hear my opinions, that he would never marry me, etc etc, for the first year he loved my opinions, wanted to get married, adored me, etc etc. I was in heaven!!! then it all changed, he would say things that were just not very nice, put down what i did for a living, etc then say he was joking…….and what was wrong with me?
, I would say nothing but eventually every time I would get drunk I would go mental at him, he would throw me out, and say i had a problem and it must be my childhood issues, that there was something worng with me, blah blah, told his family, whom i got on really well with, that I was nuts and had problems… then would take me back to see how things would go…….and all I did was love him….Ihe then dumped me by txt!!!!!! I am so upset still, that was a month ago, I too sent emails explaining my feeling etc and he would give a one line reply, i then emailed him apologising and got a txt saying that sorry was just not good enough this time!!!! I have seen him since but did not contact him until yesyerday when I saw a lovely dog like his and txt him saying I woulds like to see the dog, that I missed him and would like to take him out…..he said i could but feel like a fool now..
My first relationship after my divorce was with a co-worker. He was seperated from his wife and ended up getting back together with her. Looking back now, he did me a favor by making the contact outside of work rule. I couldn’t risk my job and did have a few angry e-mails back and forth but he was also very careful to keep quiet about what was happening at home so I didn’t have to hear it. It took a lot of work on both of our parts but looking back now to the ex who has been “friends” since he moved I realize no contact can be hard, but it is much faster road to moving on. NML’s comments about them cutting contact in order to teach you a lesson is right on. Mine just did that again yesterday, but rather than panic I agreed that the “friendship” was unhealthy for me and no contact was best. He tried to leave the door open for “down the road” but I blocked him every way I can – also to protect me from myself as well. It’s been a bit tough but for the first time I feel good about the decision.
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