Reader story: He did me a favour by cutting contact.
June 11, 2008 by NML
Dee has kindly shared her thoughts on The No Contact Rule and she is a great example of how you can turn the tables on him and your negative experience and gain something really positive - YOU.
“My No Contact actually began by HIM cutting off contact with me…. completely! The relationship ended over a heated argument/situation. I panicked, called incessantly, text messaged etc, and he stopped replying or never replied at all.
I then came to my senses and stopped the madness!
Now I am thankful that he cut off all contact because he did me a favour - I’m grateful for it!
I stopped the madness and just cut off all contact. It’s been nearly 3 weeks and I feel very proud of myself. No phone calls, or texts. I feel empowered to move on. I do have urges, but I just think of how bad he talked to me and treated me.
He reduced me from a vibrant, beautiful, intelligent, woman, to becoming a woman with low self-esteem. I had to remember who I was and how much I enjoyed loving life, WITH HIM NOT IN IT!!!
It’s hard, and yes I do wonder if he even notices that I quit contacting him. But he is so self absorbed, I doubt it. And I know things will get better with each passing day that I don’t contact him.
I’ve moved on and know I’m all the better for it. It’s nice to know there are others out there struggling with the same issues. Ladies, have faith! Don’t let any man reduce you to feeling like you are nothing.
It’s hard when you just want someone to love. However we can do soooo much better! God is good and he will take care of us and all you can do is pray for the EUM (Mr Unavailable).
Somewhere in their lives they did not receive the love and nurturing they needed to function as loving adults. Just know that you can’t fix this no matter how hard you try! It’s not our fault. It’s not YOU; it’s THEM….Move on and God bless!”
NML says: Dee, you are living proof that you can intervene on the madness and change the programme.
What you have shown is that even if he is the one to cut off the contact, you can take control of the situation, own it, and regain your power - you don’t need these spineless men!
Your initial panicked behaviour will only have served to massage his ego and he will have felt like he had the upper hand. By the time his ego finally recognises that it’s not getting a stroking from you and that it won’t be anytime soon, you will be happily living your life.
3 weeks in is when smokers normally lose the urge for the cigarette after giving up smoking, and you are coming into the home straight now. Focus on how you feel and the positives - when you recognise that your life is better and that you feel better as a person when he’s not in your life, it is a sign that you are right to ditch him and to stay away from him.
Often when these men cut us off, it’s their own twisted way of teaching us a lesson. It’s like we’ll think twice about arguing or challenging them, or effectively throwing our proverbial toys out of the pram. It’s about control and they don’t like feeling like we are not falling in line with their plan or making things too uncomfortable for them.
He dictates the pace and he has a certain level (The Status Quo) that he is comfortable with. Act like you two are the most amazing, committed couple on earth and he’ll find a reason to create trouble to bring things to more comfortable level. Take things down a step too far by having the balls to call him on his behaviour and he’ll ditch you to rebalance things.
Stick to your no contact and remember that the key to moving forward is to stop caring whether he’s thinking of you and to stop worrying about whether he’ll get in touch. But you know what, the more you get on with your life and feel good about you, the less you care!
Related Posts
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Great post and brutally honest… it’s so hard to cut the contact and regain control and I think what most of us struggle with is how long it will take to gain the control back.. as I’m sure Dee felt when she was in panic mode texting and calling, you feel as if you are so low, you dont’ know what to do.. I remember when i finally gave into the texts after 3 weeks and nothing changed. I was so mad at myself for doing it, breaking contact, and i felt lost knowing that I fed his ego again and it wuold take another 3 weeks to get my self-esteem back.. but 3 weeks came soon enough.. i cannot stress enough how NC is important and keeping it keeps you strong, in control, and allows you to move on… Good for you Dee… you said, “guess what i’m done, i’m not chasing you”.. As much as I think i loved my EUM, i’ll never forget the conversation with him when I told him the relationship was making me insecure and coming across as needy.. I knew it was the beginning of the end at that point.. i walked on eggshells and did not feel like myself… THERE IS A REASON THESE RELATIONSHIPS END..
Excellent post! Why do we insist on trying to appeal to the EUM’s heart and mind, when it’s clearly elsewhere? (you can guess where that is!) I always see a breakup as a lucky escape, because feeling bad without him won’t last forever. But limping on in an infernal push me/pull you situation feels like an eternity. Every time you think of how much a douchebag he was, you’re reminding yourself why you’re better off.
I’m glad Dee shared her story.
Your timing could not have been more perfect for me. I was just feeling sorry for myself today that he had not contacted me - i was wondering what he was thinking and worried that he would never get back in touch. It has been 9 days of NC for me. My EUM did just like you said, things were GREAT between us and he started having issues then I screwed it all up and asked him if he still found me attractive (his attentions were waning) - well, that did it. He dropped me like a rock. He had asked me earlier why i kept coming back to him (he’s dumped me at least 12 times in 2 years) and I said, “because I love you”. To which he didnt respond. Later on the phone I asked him why he kept coming back to ME … he said, “I guess because I was lonely and bored.” OMG! That did it for me. No more of this BS. So I’ve gone total NC and unfortunately I work with him. He now has an “attitude” towards me. Acting all angry, like I did something wrong. Uhhh, didn’t you just break up with me? Anyway, pray for me. This time I want it to stick. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.
I so admire persons who make NC. But how do you do this if there are kids involved? It is so much harder because you may call to ask about money or something related to the kids and it all keeps flooding back? But bravo to those who have done it.
It will be 2 months last 3rd June. 2 whole months of NC and I could not go through one day without him or so I thought. I can’t believe I did this and I did it because of NML, this site and you lovely ladies. I still think of him and if I had any doubts about breakin up trust me I have none now.
He writes me emails now, downright nasty, mean spiteful emails telling me how I will never find love, how all men are just playa’s even if they do not admit to it and how I will keep looking for love till I just wither up and die and all this from an assclown as NML puts it who does not know his arse from his elbow. I have not replied.
I feel stronger and I have just realised that he did me more damaged than I let on. Its not easy being called filty names and some were downright crude but no matter what I choose to read, I remember something I read that have stuck on me.
I CARRY THE CURE IN MY HEART.
While there used to be fear, confusion, pain, hurt and misery now I can choose clarity, intergrity, honesty, light and happiness. Its not easy and I have see the shadows of depression but I think sometimes we need to hit rock bottom before we can surface.
And we can do anything we put our hearts into……ANYTHING LADIES…….
Dee, Congrats on starting the NC process. But I am afraid you aren’t completely past the winners line yet. The point of No Contact is not to maintain no contact. The point is to get from a bad situation to a better one.
You say there has been no contact for three weeks, which is a great accomplishment. But then you mention that you wonder if he noticed. Because the thought crossed your mind, I feel you are still in the middle of No Contact. Which means that you need to follow all the rules, be wary of surprises, and be prepared for the ex to rattle the chains. You might have to start all over again.
When you get to that better place, whether the ex notices or not won’t matter, if he crosses your mind it will be on the order of trying to remember who you worked for 10 years ago - you could probably recall the name if you think about it. But mostly you won’t.
In the mean time, keep looking for yourself, hang out with responsible, respectable, honest, disciplined people, and learn to show good values in your life.
And chocolate doesn’t hurt, once a week or so.
i am at a very devastated place right now. this just happened to me yesterday after a 3 month affair, he just said ” My head is still a little messed up. I am afraid I need a little time to sort out my head. Sorry!” i feel train wrecked and miserable. this is the lowest point i’ve had in over a year. i feel pathetic and miserable because i broke it off with him just a week before, slipped back once and then when i called to see again, thats what he said. oh god, this is really bad. i wish i was stronger, maybe i will be one day.
I just read this post and it sounds exactly what happened to me 4 wks ago when the EUM I was sleeping with for 4 yrs cursed me out like I was nothing but a lousy piece of S*** to him. Told me to stay away from him and leave him alone. It’s been 4 wks now since this all happened and haven’t heard Boo from him. I feel like he is punishing me for my behavior like I’m a child when in reality he is the one who is behaving like the child. One day he’ll realize what he did that’s when they usually contact you. When they feel that enough time has passed and you are no longer thinking about them.
These men are worthless, and they make you think they are superior and we start believing it. My EX-EUM was a master of this…he would stop contacting me for a few days to “punish” me when he was feeling too much like a couple, or if I had any needs or asked him to accompany me to an outing with friends. I would make excuses and think, “aw, he’s just afraid of commitment,” but, ladies…these men are downright MEAN, UNCARING, EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE, and only worried about themselves and like a vampire, they suck the life blood out of you and drain you of your love, kindness, and most importantly your self-esteem and self respect. When we really take the blanket of denial off ourselves, and then we can see them for the worthless scoundrels that they are. I truly believe that if they committed to us and we were with them on a daily basis, we would see even more bad behavior and they don’t want us to get to close to figure out what a horror they actually are. If these men truly had any integrity and valued themselves, they wouldn’t lie, cheat and treat us like crap. Ladies…keep working on yourself, continue with NO CONTACT.
Even though I have finally seen the light I am still struggling with thinking about everything that happened between us in the last 2 years and what he is doing, because I am only 1 week with NC. Any ideas for getting this creep out of my head???
Finally, you areright, I think if I would have seen my jerk on a daily basis it would not have lasted that long, it takes energy for them to keep up the facade.
Only time and No Contact will you get him out of your head, will take a while and make sure he doesn’t suck you back in. What is your story? Is it posted here or can you give me a recap?
I have maintained NC now for 4 wks. I feel better than I did. it will be awhile before I feel 100%. Have a question to ask out of curiosity. What are the odds of these men contacting us again even in the worst case senario ie they tell you they never want to see ever again in life, lose their number etc.. Mine wasn’t like that all he told me was to leave him alone and to stay away from him.
Debbie, no contact is for you to move on - not to see how long it will take for him to contact you. In your case, just my opinion, him saying: leave me alone and stay away, why does it not tell you that he is done?
I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but maybe it would be better for you if you contact him and find out, not a good idea at all, but maybe you need to hear it again from him so that you can stop WAITING for him and move on.
Question: why do you want to hear from him so bad?
Finally,
You said it exactly with them making you think they are superior. Mine did the same crap with “punishing” me by not calling for a few days if we had a good time together towards the end. It was very hurtful. He was in control of everything. And you are so right that they show us a facade only, because the reality is, they are deeply troubled, but would never admit it to themselves.
Relationships are revealing, and they know this.
Like you, I was struggling with thoughts of him all the time since we broke up. I wish I could erase my memory of him, but know I have to face everything in the past and be at peace with myself, and then he will lose his power over my thoughts. What has helped me so far, is writing out a history of ALL of my past relationships, because I have had quite a few prior EU’s, and have been EU myself in a few. Writing it is putting things in perspective, and I can see how this last one was the same horse, different color, and he is beginning to lose his power. No contact helps for sure, but really coming to terms with patterns and past issues from younger years has been crucial in the meantime. Otherwise, I would do the knee-jerk response which I have done in the past which is to find another EU which would make me forget all about the last EU. It’s not easy, but it will be worth it. Good luck and hang in there with the no contact. It is worth it.
@debbie, he has treated you like a child for so long, as if you were incompetent to think, let alone think for yourself - *You are seeking permission to end the relationship*.
One of the things about the No Contact Rule, and moving on, is making choices and decisions because they protect you from more injury, they allow you to heal. This is a choice you make because it is good for you.
NC is harsh and discourteous to the ex. But the choice is to let them harm and manipulate you, or to protect yourself. From the outside, for your friends and family, the *right* choice is usually obvious - save yourself. Leaving won’t bother the EUM in the long run, where staying will encourage him to get worse. But leaving, the NC rule, can save the rest of your life.
The EUM won’t change. Accept that. And, I am sorry if you missed it - but the No Contact Rule is expected to be an *end* to a relationship. Refusing to talk to a partner for a day or week is so disrespectful, so crude and unkind, that it is unforgivable in a relationship. A mistake or not, there is no going back.
When you began the NC, you ended the relationship. He got the point, there is nothing there any more.
But you are still waiting for closure - for permission to let go. He won’t do that for you. You decided weeks ago that he was too unkind, to ignorant, to uncaring, to damaging to stay with. You cannot *afford* his permission to end things, because he might try to take his permission back - leaving you dangling again. And it has to be your choice.
It is simple, and one of the hardest things we ever do. You choose to let go. Many people adore their first grade teacher, but you managed to immerse yourself in summer vacation, then the second grade teacher got your attention, and all you had left was warm memories of 1st grade. You don’t have parents holding you today, or a 2nd grade teacher waiting to lead you on into the next grade.
How to go on? One way is to create an emotional barrier between then and now. A date on the calendar that you can circle and say, “On this date I got mad enough/hurt enough to leave that EUM.” One tactic is to make a list of all the hurtful and inconsiderate things he is capable of, and relieve all the anger at how he treated you. Another is to relive all the hurts, and all that you miss, and take off a day or three for sorrow and grieving at the ending. Still another approach is distraction - start a class or project that will consume your attention such as build a bookshelf or dog house, join a bridge club, take a class in blacksmithing or other art or craft class. Practice leaving the cell phone at home. Return phone calls before or after dinner, and never after 8PM.
Sitting still and thinking random thoughts and feelings is not a good way to find direction in your life. Directed thoughts, such as prayer, meditation, and counseling help a lot of people.
But the biggie right now, is that you chose to break it off, for good and sufficient reason. No matter how alone you feel, no matter how much you need to be held, he was way too damaging and hurtful to let anywhere near you. You don’t need his permission to ignore him, you don’t need closure to know what you need. And in spite of everything, you *still* need him gone, and will *always* need him gone.
Luck!
Brad, you said: NC is harsh and discourteous to the ex. Why would that be?
He doesn’t care, he gave her closure by saying: leave me alone, is that not closure? If not, please explain why it is not, maybe I am confused, maybe I don’t know what no means?
Astelle, Of course NC is rude and discourteous. Cutting off contact with someone that you have been contacting? That is shunning, is one of the most severe punishments the Amish communities exact, short of outright expulsion from the community. If you were in a relationship, passive-aggressive silent treatment, the ‘cold shoulder’, is unforgivably hurtful. Every time you do it, you risk losing your partner. And while the EUM may not notice or care, the fact that you act out in a rude manner, NC, in a calculated, planned process, means that you are being rude. Do this too many times, and acting rudely becomes a vice, a social act that hurts those around you. No Contact is serious stuff. When needed, it is effective, and the protection is worth the risk to you. I just caution debbie that pulling NC alone is enough to end a relationship, regardless of what went before. NC may not be cheating, but you withhold access to you, you are discourteous to the EUM (now ex bf),
A good man would be dissuaded by a woman who did the NC on him. He would get the point, and lose all interest and affection for her. The only guy that wouldn’t turn his back - is the EUM that NC is meant to protect against. The No Contact Rule is like the old drowning test for witches - if the ‘witch candidate’ drowned, her soul was saved, else she must be burned as a witch. If the guy doesn’t leave when you follow the No Contact Rule, you know he is a despicable EUM and you want to run away from him, anyway.
This should not be a surprise, that the No Contact Rule is the end of a relationship. NC is always described as an effective way to break contact, to break that cycle of clinging to a hurtful EUM.
The No Contact Rule is a deliberate, considered act of discourtesy, done in self defense.
Closure is an emotional state - no one can do it for you. I didn’t hear debbie’s EUIM say ‘don’t call me’, so it might have been said in a qualified way, or meant call me tomorrow at work, or been a secret code that means see me at our usual bar in 20 minutes. I don’t think so, I think he meant that he felt the relationship ended long ago, and that he wants debbie to stop harassing and stalking him. Which is probably what her call felt like to him. There may not be anything the EUM can ever say, that will feel like closure to debbie.
Debbie is hung up on him convincing her - giving his permission - that the relationship is over. And she doesn’t want to hear it, and isn’t ready, yet, to realize her power over her own life. Debbie has always been able to walk away and decide that she no longer has time for that particular goof, that she isn’t interested in anything about him, other than not letting him bother her again.
When debbie gave herself whole-heartedly to her relationship, she did as people do in most successful relationships. Now she is hurt, but not yet ready to acknowledge that it didn’t work, that she isn’t quitting or giving up, she is protecting herself from a bully. And she now has to take up the love and affection she gave, and say, “No more.”
Yes, debbie can end her affection toward the guy. But she is clinging, desperately, to the fact that she hasn’t yet decided that she should stand on her own, and make her own choice. Sometime she will find the right way to proceed, and she will wonder that it took so long or took so much convincing.
Blessed be!