I remember several years ago after a breakup that people would ask why we’d ended and I’d launch into the full tale. After a few weeks of matinee and evening performances, I noticed that the explanation time was shrinking from A Very Long Time, to several minutes, and eventually to less than a minute. Not only was I bored of the sound of my own voice, but it worried me somewhat that it would take so long to get to the point – we broke up because we were incompatible and were both in the relationship and originally attracted to each other for the wrong reasons.
In business, people like business owners and product developers use an elevator pitch to summarise their products, service, or business in anything from thirty seconds to a couple of minutes. It’s invaluable because it helps to cut through the fluff and get to the nuts and bolts of the offering and sell the business/concept effectively.
I get a lot of people telling me about their relationships and some say the same rehearsed tale time and time again but are no closer to identifying why their relationship ended. I get it – feelings are hurt, emotions are involved and it may feel like there’s a lot of ground to cover and that everything or the person is very complicated. It’s not.
How we choose to view the relationship or their actions & how much we read into them is complicated but the situation or what they’re doing is actually much simpler…it’s just that we often don’t like what the simple meaning is. That and we often add layers of excuses, denial and all sorts onto it.
While being able to describe your relationship chapter and verse certainly has its uses, it’s also important to be able to summarise why your relationship isn’t working or didn’t work out so that you identify the problem(s). Often we go into an extensive explanation to make ourselves feel better about the fundamental reasons, reasons that you may actually be trying to avoid.
Remember the fairy tale The Princess and the Pea where the queen hid a pea under the mattress to prove if the girl the prince loved was actually a real princess? Well imagine all the illusions and excuses that you add on to the story of why things are not working as the mattresses and the true issue as the pea.
No matter how many layers of excuses and denial ‘mattresses’ that you put on there, you will always feel the ‘pea’ – the problem.
I did a post a few weeks back on code amber and code red behaviour – if your relationship has one or more of these, your relationship is struggling because it’s fundamentally unhealthy, you’re incompatible, and it may even be a dangerous relationship. Code red, take a parachute and jump. Code amber, stop, look, listen, assess and only proceed with caution if the issue has been addressed. If you’ve stayed, it’s because you think it’s ‘complicated’ because you may have bought into lies or come up with complicated mitigating factors that govern your involvement.
Whatever it is that you’re pushing down or trying to escape, that is the ‘pea’ – the true reason as to why you broke up/the relationship isn’t working.
Interestingly, because we have a tendency to focus on what the other person is doing, those ‘mattresses’ end up being all the things we think that they did to create problems and/or putting them on a pedestal and coming up with all sorts of weird things to blame ourselves for. That’s why I also get emails from people saying that their relationship didn’t work out because they didn’t sex them right/they weren’t the right colour/rich enough/big breasted enough/from the right family/didn’t answer the phone after three rings/looked at them crossed eye and other such shite.
The trouble is that whether you add layers of self-blame or you list a litany of problems on their side, it means you are not seeing the issues in the relationship anything even close to accurately.
The less you’re able to summarise the real reasons, is the more layers of excuses and denial, is the more potential there is for you to obsess about the relationship (read: analysing the crap out of it and looking for reasons to blame yourself and become more invested), is the more numb you get, and is ultimately the further you get from acknowledging and addressing the real issues, and applying any lessons.
Relationships don’t work out because you’re either two potentially right for each people that are behaving counterproductively who may end up being incompatible, or you’re actually incompatible because you’re two great people with different agendas or it’s unhealthy.
I’m not suggesting that you forget the details, but it would serve you well to be able to summarise why your relationship isn’t working/didn’t work out in 30 seconds to a minute. You may even find it beneficial to also shrink it to a one liner – like a business tagline. Cut through the fluff and get to the truth.
Remember if you’re excusing and justifying, you’re denying.
When you can identify the key issues in your relationship, it’s either an opportunity to address them or for you to validate the true reasons why it cannot or didn’t work so that you can heal and move on.
If I had continued to roll out my tales and avoid the real issues in my relationships and sit on top of a pile of mattresses, I would never have experienced the personal growth and happiness that I have, or be writing Baggage Reclaim.
My name is Natalie and I used to have a Mr Unavailable habit. Pretty much all of my relationships didn’t work out because I specialised in trying to have relationships and get commitment from reluctant or pain in the arse sources. I broke up with a cheating, control freak, another controlling drunk, another with an allergy to the truth, another with mummy issues and a penchant for hitting on my friends, another controller with a girlfriend that he wouldn’t break up with, and I could go on. Really, they were unavailable. I was the common denominator to all of my relationships so I had to address my own availability.
That takes about 30 seconds for me to say. I could tell you stories for days about all the stuff that happened and I have used my stories to educate and empower myself and many others, but identifying the fundamental issue left me free to actually do something about it.
Relationships serve to teach us about ourselves. If you take off the ‘mattresses’ and truly feel and fully acknowledge ‘the pea’, and do something, you discover an authentic, responsible you that’s striving to be honest, which helps you be emotionally available, which helps you be a co-pilot instead of a passenger or bolshy driver.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
Image via The Guardian – from Lauren Child’s The Princess and The Pea book
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I also find that obsessing over what went wrong can lead to temptation to break contact. The only way I’ve found to prevent this is to stick to those “one liners” that you suggest here.
My downfall was going over the experience in my head over and over and trying to pinpoint a mistake I did. Then I would vow to do something different but I always ended up with the same result & conclusion for two years.
I catch myself doing that still but luckily my mind puts a stop to it by telling myself, “It doesn’t matter what happened. It didn’t work out and he chose that route with you”. Then I get on with my life.
I love it. It didn’t work out. That’s the bottom line.
Spot on! I remember a work friend asking me about my relationship status, probably expecting a simple ‘im single’ or ‘yes i’m with someone and happy’ response. Instead I gave them a full on monologue of how the person I’m sort of seeing was a bit on /off…he had a lot of issues and problems to sort out (shame he wasn’t actively trying to then, but anyway, I digress!) how his separation…blah…blah…kids…long distance…blah.. divorce pending…blah…ex-wife…etc. etc …were all making it difficult for us to be together as a solid couple.
Then she asked, sympathetically “That sounds difficult. So how long has he been separated for?” And I stopped, checked and said “Oh two years now”. TWO YEARS WTF?!?! I know some situations are difficult to get out of, but after that length of time I should have woken up and smelt the coffee/BS. What was I on?! Two years of building matresses for an AC of a pea. I cringe now when I think about it.
I read you! I have felt the same after I analyzed all the BS I was telling to all my friends about my Mr. Unavailables. The thing is my friends gave me this sort of look that I knew it meant all this explaining was my way of being in denial.
A friend of mine and I recently challenged each other to a rather extreme version of this exercise, in which we attempted to describe our recent break ups in no more than six words.
I said, “He was emotionally unavailable. Me too.”
It isn’t (and wasn’t) any more complicated than that.
Cheers.
Lisa
Lisa, could not have said it better myself 🙂
Mine is along the line with Lisa’a, how about this (his exact words): “He can’t commit to me and stay committed”!
:)! That is a good way to look at it. You want commitment, he didn’t. Simply translate to you wanting different things out of life.
I used to go on and on about tiny details to people about the person I was dating when we broke up or fought. And recently a friend would keep slipping in talk of her fresh break up with an abusive man. It showed me myself in hearing her. How I wanted attention. I wanted others to listen to my sob story over and over again, sometimes in different words but always the same tale. I didn’t want to change. I wanted HIM to change to make ME feel better. And I wanted someone else to tell me what to do to make it better. Or some kind of variation of that.
Now, it’s pretty easy like you said to sum it all up.
I have a nasty addiction to major tools/assclowns/unavailables and one I’m not sure how to classify. They include much older men (one with the workings of a pervert), drug addict, potential alcoholic, one with a girlfriend who had kids, online “relationships,” one with a dirty secret, another who could hardly go beyond electronics to communicate, and let’s not forget the one who made up some shit story that he rode a bull. The one that picks the wrong men or potentially good men but sabotages the whole thing. And so…..I’m the main character here. The one that is truly NOT HERE and has my own bullcrap behaviors.
It’s like I have been fumbling around in my sleep bumping into corners of tables. Letting almost anyone in. No filter whatsoever. The relationships really have reflected what I think about myself and relationships.
Colororange,
Again like Grace mentions below it is our judgement of our self worth that is the true issue. Addictions are the symptoms of the real problems. You are defining yourself as addicted to jerks. Therefore justifying things rather than gettting to the heart of the matter. Look closer at your view of yourself.
We don’t attract jerks like magnets, we stay with jerks because we don’t believe we can get better, deserve better, or whatever. When I left the last guy I realized I wanted something different for myself. Now I am left with addressing the issue of not fully believing in myself. Just because I walked away from him doesn’t mean I solved all my issues. Just because no jerks are coming my way doesn’t mean I solved my issues because I still know I have doubts inside and that is the issues I am dealing with now. There is no jerks around but I still have to address my issues. These are the true issues that we are suppose to figure out from the lessons we were suppose to learn from STAYING with jerks, not that we are addicted. 🙂
I know I have issues. I was just stating what my experience has been thus far. Not trying to justify or rationalize anything.
I know based on the various comments that you’ve taken the time to write that you are not justifying and rationalising – just summing up an aspect of your experiences. Also “The one that picks the wrong men or potentially good men but sabotages the whole thing. And so…..I’m the main character here. The one that is truly NOT HERE and has my own bullcrap behaviors. ” in the same comment highlights that you weren’t justifying or rationalising.
Thank you, Natalie.
Colororange,
I was not trying to point out that you had issues or to judge you. We have all had similar experiences. I was simply referring to defining yourself as a jerk magnet. I find when people do this they stay stuck, thats all. I didn’t mean to offend you and I am sorry if I have. I know you took credit for your behaviours but I felt you sounded harsh on yourself. I was only pointing out that getting to the heart of the matter is healthier than labelling yourself. I hear you though because I comment about past experiences to the posts that relate, same as you, and commenters have thought I was dwelling. I was making the comment based on this post topic that in essence we want different things and that is why it didn’t work out. I feel we should sum up our break ups with these people without blaming ourselves or them. 🙂
Love this!
I agree with everything you said, though I doubt I would have been able to say it so eloquently.
Re the line: Remember if you’re excusing and justifying, you’re denying.
So true. I’ve watched many people spin their wheels analyzing each and every detail of every last moment of their relationship, trying to figure out where it all went wrong (for years even). All so they wouldn’t have to take accountability for their own beliefs, words and patterns of behaviour.
Taking the time to reflect on your ish and hold yourself accountable for it may not initially make you feel great about yourself, but it definitely gives you the ability to move forward with your life and any relationships you fall into in a more positive way.
Thanks for sharing!
Let me do the exercise.
“We broke up because he was continuously blowing hot and cold, I never knew where I was standing and what to expect, and I got tired of the uncertainty”.
Sandra,
Sorry this sounds too much like blaming them.
Would you want a guy to say he broke up with his ex because she was emotionally unavaible or we just wanted different things. Also with what we know about EU, we might fear he is still one because we have no idea if he has addressed his emotional issues or not. Just because we dump a EU doesn’t mean our issues are solved.
We can be blamed as well. We put up with their hot and cold, we didn’t know where we were standing because we didn’t state our boundaries and stick to them and in order to get tired of it, it means we stuck around too long because we had no self worth. So as mentioned frequently on this blog, it is our low self worth that allowed a relationship to proceed and we got tired of it because we were starting to grow. 🙂 No offence intended.
MH,
I believe that what you say varies from case to case. It depends how long you stuck around, how much harm you allowed him to do to you, the moment when you bailed out, or how much of yourself you invested in the relationship (or so-called relationship, like in my case). When you meet or start dating a person, you don’t know how it’s gonna end. You fancy each other, you’re both single – you go for it, especially when you’re young! 🙂 Now I speak for myself, and in my case it went like this: the first time I stayed in for one month as he blew hot and everything was “perfect”, then the “cold” arrived, and I bailed out one week afterwards. Nothing drammatic happened, like physical or verbal abuse, just some annoying or mean gestures, which left me really confused and made me feel “pushed away” for no apparent reason and with no explanation. Therefore, I got “tired” in 1 week. I stayed away for 4 months, 2 of which I didn’t even see him due to summer holidays (note: we are forced by circumstances to keep in contact). After these 4 months, he started blowing hot again, and he did so for about 2 1/2 months. I was still a bit reluctant, but there was a big part of me who hoped he had changed. It was my first and, hopefully, last case of this kind. Maybe this is also why I’m trying to understand this EUM phenomenon and to explain the unexplainable. 🙂 Now, as far as “investing myself” is concerned, I must admit I didn’t even sleep with him (we had our “magic” moments, but we didn’t go all the way). To me sleeping together is linked to a stable relationship, which we never had. A matter of values. Even when things were going well, at the beginning, I felt it was too soon and trust hadn’t developped yet (and it actually decreased gradually, now having reached the basement 😛 ). So, my main fault was to bet on potential. Silly me! 🙂 When I first met him I really thought he was special, and I really got my hopes up too soon, when it wasn’t worth it. But at least I didn’t let him “walk all over me”. Now we’ve been in “almost-no-contact” for a month (again, circumstances enforce the word “almost”), and I intend to continue like this. 😉
I think many of us stayed in relationships because we loved the person and believed that love means sticking through the good and the bad, offering unconditional love, working to give good and not create hurt. What I forgot was that unconditional love was also for myself, and if I was hurting then I needed to stop doing what was causing the hurt. I ultimately had to see that the change had to come from me. I didn’t break him; I couldn’t fix him. If he’s okay with how things are in his dalliances: great. I wasn’t happy and had to quit participating in the dynamic. I had to break the cycle. Prove that I wasn’t going to remain in a situation that was dissatisfying.
So, if anyone asks me about what happened, I’ll simply state that “It didn’t work out” No need to go into details. I’ve learned from it. It did it’s job.
“It didn’t work out because we wanted different things” – simple, neutral, and suitable for every possible situation (apart from extreme ones, maybe). Well, let’s hope our families and friends wont’be like: “What do you mean it didn’t work out? What happened? Was it really bad? Is there a chance to work things out? You were sooooo nice together!” etc. You have to be armed with patience, but still keep it simple, ’cause you can’t tell them to shut up and mind their own business. 😀
Believed in sticking through the good and the bad, and working to give good – that also happens, because we know that “nobody is perfect”, and therefore we accept certain things “in the name of love”. But, at the end of the day we must know the limits. I wonder if there are people who are treated ambiguously by their significant other and are genuinely and completely HAPPY. I’m not talking about “putting on a happy face”, but about TRULY not having a problem with a person who is here today – gone tomorrow – back again next week – etc. Maybe someone who is like that as well?
Yep, the above is your experience with it. Perhaps a way to put things without blame would be to say :”It didn’t work out between us as we wanted different things.” That holds everything without revealing intimate details. If you choose to divulge more then you certainly may, but it is still the truth to say that “It just didn’t work.” You rode the pony and chose to get off.
Sandra081 and Leisha,
I believe that what you say varies from case to case.
To address your above statement to me, I am sticking to the post topic meaning summing things up quickly without having to go into the long story.
Therefore when I say your comment sounded like blame, you are saying he is the issue by blowing hot and cold. As you and Leisha have concluded that telling people we wanted different things is neutral which is such a non blaming, healthy way to look at a break up.
Referrring now to when you asked the question what if friends and family asked more detailed questions. Well it goes back to our boundaries. I was once grilled by a male aquintance in front of a group of friends about my situation. At this function I had very close friends there that knew the story and didn’t peep a word and some close friends there that I never told them the full story either. When that acquiantance tried to asked every question under the sun as to why things didn’t work out with the last guy, one of my friends who didn’t know the story said plain and simple she has said it a number of times they wanted different things there is nothing else to figure out. I kept saying this to him but because he didn’t like the answer we wanted different things he wanted to understand. He said this is interesting. I never felt the need to tell him more and we have seen each other a number of times and he hasn’t brought it up so he got over it. Some of my other close friends and family got over not knowing too. I once told a friend the long version and at the end she said wow you guys want different things in life, you are both good people. The other day another friend said you have always been with guys with horrible values and you have such good values its time to find a guy with your matching values because you derseve the best and no more of these yucky guys.
You know what, we are all intelligent people on this blog because we reached out, we went looking for something to help us through these tough times.
Sandra you brought up another interesting question when you asked do some people in ambiguous relationships not mind the ambiguity, I have wondered the same thing. I have even questioned myself…
This recently hit me in the past month when a co-worker I was out to lunch with asked me about the last guy I dated. I spent the next 30 minutes droning on about this and that and what happened. At the end of the lunch he goes, “doesn’t sound like you are over it”. Wow, if that wasn’t a smack in the face and an embarrasing wake up call to just stop talking about it all together. There’s no need. A very simple short concise answer will do, I could have just said “we wanted different things” and left it at that. Talking about them just keeps the energy off moving forward and working on ourselves. Now I’m very conscious about NOT talking about it in the least. I focus on what I have going on in the present, moving forward one day at a time and being happy!
cool post, love the picture too.
I told my counsellor that I’d been involved with a man who dumped me over and over, another one who pushed me down the stairs, another who was a chronic womanizer, another who took drugs and then – get this – I said I didn’t have low self-esteem when my counsellor put this forward as the “pea”. Looking back, I don’t know how he didn’t leap across the room and slap me! To his credit, he maintained his composure and EVENTUALLY (with much thanks to Nat as well) I realised that I had very low self esteem and accepted bad behaviour. Simple.
If you feel you’ve been hitting your head against a brick wall, it may be helpful to seek counselling. Denial is very strong though, I went through several counsellors over 20 years before I finally got it. Not only did I deceive myself, I was able to deceive the professionals.
Let me spell it out – I believe that every single one of us who puts up with this crap has a serious problem with self-worth and we really must address it before we can be happy. It goes way beyond the guy, he’s peripheral. It doesn’t matter how attractive, intelligent, kind, loving or successful we think we are are, only a person who doesn’t value herself would let herself be disrespected the way we have. If you value something (a painting, a pet, a car) you don’t hand it over to an irresponsible twerp, especially one who’s already given it a kicking (metaphorical or otherwise). What was I thinking?!
Well said Grace… it’s true. Hard to face but once you get far enough away from your past that you can see everything exactly for what it is… that is it in a nutshell. Its all up to us and we all have the power to completely change our lives and emotional baggage. To break the chain.
I had no idea the gravity of my emotional wounds as I was completely successful in literally every other means in my life. There was nothing I hadn’t been able to acheive. Except a healthy good man. Once I finally got some balls and faced these old hurts I realized… they really had nothing to do with me.
You can’t change your childhood but there is absolutely no reason why you can’t change your present. Whatever my parents had going on were a result of their upbringing and emotional baggage.. I was a product of that but I can take the good things from my childhood and the good memories but leave that bad ones behind. I can even take the good memories of all my past relationships forward but learn from the bad parts and mistakes and just do better. Because I am better and deserve it. We all do!
Grace, I couldn’t have said it better myself! I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and then went on to a 5 year Yo-Yo Trainwreck with a guy that kept disappearing and coming back with bs declarations o’ love and I too thought I didn’t have a problem with bad self esteem. Errrrrr, hello?! I was just saying to one of my friends a few weeks ago that I don’t know how a therapist I saw a few years ago didn’t pitch any of her desk accessories in my direction! I really like how you said that the man in the equation is peripheral, because it is really, really true. Time to chuck out the rotten self esteem peas that are WAY past their sell-by date!
Grace: I completely agree. “I had low self esteem and accepted bad behavior.” Perfect.
When facing our issues to ourselves or talking to our counsellors, or our close friends that is the truth. However, no one wants to say to the next guy we date or strangers or certain others that we had low self esteem and accepted bad behaviour.
Also too, we don’t always want to focus on the negative, we want to look for solutions to our issues rather than sum up the negative. We want to talk less about our stories like this post is about because we want to move past it.
Well, I was thinking I was strong enough to handle it all and that he was worth every effort because I loved him. I had to realise after the umpteenth time that no matter how much I tried the man wasn’t altering no matter his words to the contrary. I had to know in myself that I had given my all. He is worth healing; but he has to heal himself. Period. We are doing the work on ourselves. For ourselves and for those we become intimate with. We are working on being our best selves and deserve someone who is capable of riding this journey with us with love, care, trust, and respect. Nothing less is acceptable. I’d rather dance alone otherwise; and I love to dance.
Leisha,
Well said!!!:)
Grace,
You got it!!!!!!!
Over the years I have tried to be someone else to please the same man in a different package with difference approaches. First came WonderWife she failed miserably – so I added SuperMom to the mix and she nearly killed me. I then moved on to DarlingDoormat and got feet wiped on me (surprise surprise) then proceeded to try Florence who again failed miserably. After having that moment of ENOUGH I busted the the rose colored glasses into bits and buried them all in a mass grave with a tombstone bearing the mark “RIP”. Instead of accepting who I am I was trying to be anything to anybody that might make me feel good about me. Thats my job – it’s what I do – take care of me and have faith that the rest of the world will take care of itself. Thats not my job – I am and I am a work of art.
By the end of the road you will have a gallery of your works of art. A wonderful series of progression and self expression. Remember, you are a work in progress; a never ending exploration and that you may go through many styles and periods of discovery; each one beautiful in it’s own fashion.
Haha…I was looking for the “Like” button. I guess too much facebook for me…
I can def identify…thanks for that =)
I confused Love with being needed…left a marriage because I perceived someone needed me more and wasted 5 years trying to fix the unfixable- an alcoholic AC. I needed to stop feeling I was the solution to men’s problems. I’m part of the problem whilst I still need to fix/Florence.
Wow, under 10 seconds.Cathartic!
Hi – I’m a recovering ‘AC-aholic!’
I attract wazzocks and mentals, in varying wrappers, who crack onto my seemingly confident and vivacious, ex-model face, yet can somehow smell my miniscule level of self esteem at a hundred yards. They then find out I’m actually quite a shy, intelligent single mum… and then, predictably, it’s ‘Open AC Season.’
Knobs.
I really must try harder this year.
Thanks for all of your wonderful words of advice and wisdom – I found this site quite by accident and am eternally grateful. I have laughed, sniggered, sobbed…and facepalmed (doh!)… my way through all of the posts and feel like I have actually, finally and totally woken up. You girls (and wise guys!) have helped me more than any counsellor or professional could ever have done, and I’m really starting to make big changes in the way I see myself, and how I invite others to see me.
Thank you all xxx
“Open AC Season.” Love this!
“open AC-season”
Gold lol. Is there anywhere we can buy repellant?
WE are the repellant…
We wanted different things” and left it at that.
The above comment that CC made comes across as the most productive answer out of the others. The reason being that when people say because he was emotionally unavailable and even me too, I find that comment to be full of blame. It is blaming them and you and I find it counter productive.
I think if I met a guy and he replied because she was emotionally unavailable I would find it an unattractive quality in him and think he is a blamer. If I met a guy who said “we just wanted different things,” I would think he sounds confident, doesn’t feel a need to blame his ex, and doesn’t demonstrate that he has any issues at this point.
When I ended things with my last guy I said to him we want different things in life that is why it is not working between us. Even though he didn’t agree with me, I didn’t use blaming and can’t be faulted for that and I didn’t put either of us down. It is a clean break in my opinion. When I have explained my story to others, it has always come down to us wanting different things in life. In a nutshell, it is exactly the issue.
Now sticking to my convictions is what I have been addressing in my life lately. I do the right thing in the moment and after the break up I spend most of the time second guessing if I made the right decision. This is what I am working on now. This is the lesson I have to complete, that way I won’t continue to keep having unhealthy relationships come my way to teach me lessons in that area anymore hopefully.
The second guessing is hell. However, trusting yourself during high emotional periods is difficult. I have been working on the same issues.
MH,
I don’t think this is as much about “what we say to other people and how we look in their eyes”, but about getting to the heart of the matter first of all FOR OURSELVES. Therefore, it’s not “if a guy cited the reason x for breaking up with his ex-girlfriend, I would draw the conclusion that he is y”. For example, once I had a boyfriend who told me that his ex-girlfriend hadn’t been very affectionate for the last few months in the relationship. Terms like “emotionally unavailable” were unknown to me at that time. I took it at face value, without making a big deal out of it and without seeing hidden meaning. And I didn’t regret it: he was a wonderful guy, and one of the most worthy guys I’ve ever dated. Now that we’re at it: we broke up because I went to study abroad for 3 years, and a long-distance relationship was hard to manage. 🙂 Therefore, it’s not about what others think of your reasons, or about saying that it’s you that has self-esteem issues (when maybe it’s not even the case – depending on each situation), or about blaming one person more than another. It’s about bluntly stating a reason, and about YOU understanding why it ended before anyone else.
hi Sandra,
That is great you met a good guy out of it for me it has been my red flags.
One of my relationships when I was 18 and living at home and he at his home blamed his exe’s and his mother over heard him and said you know when dating a new girl and telling her that it was this about your ex or that about you ex she is going to figure you are going to blame things on her. That is exactly what our relationship turned out to be all about. He blamed everything on everyone but himself. I dated several guys like that and so now for me it is a huge red flag. I don’t want to blame my ex’s and I don’t want to hear it from a new guy, it will be a mark against him for me.
I am not referring to what your guy said because it is also about the context. I don’t know how the conversation came up for you guys about her being unaffectionate in the last two months.
I have concluded from these relationships that my lesson was when someone blames their ex for things most likely they will blame you. Last guy I was with didn’t blamed anyone for anything and that was my attraction to him. He usually took credit for things himself. He did say things about his ex and I did about mine but it was in a different context and it didn’t raise any red flags. So that is why I say context varies.
The last guy said to me I know you don’t like that ex (the one above blaming me for everything) because you don’t have a nice word to say about him just like I don’t have a nice word to say about one of my ex’s. This comment made think because my last guy and I were friends so you vent to friends, I have to watch my tongue if I am actually dating someone because it is going to come off negative. I responded to him well I am not going to get into why I have issues with him because it will turn into the blame game and I don’t want to do that.
I am hoping when meeting new guys I will stick to we wanted different things in life, and that will be enough.
MH,
That’s funny, because when I met that guy I was also 18 and he was 21. So that was year 2000. We were basically kids! 😀 To tell you the truth, I prefer not to bring up “exes” talk at all. It’s a lesson I learned from my parents. Apart from the tendency to make comparisons, the other person may or may not be honest about past relationships. Anyone can make up a story to play the victim if he/she wants to. In my particular good guy case, he told me on our first date that he really liked me (before that date we’d known each other for about 5 months), but that had recently broken up from his ex, and that I was the first girl he dated after the break-up, and that he needed me to be patient with him. I think he also told me the reason for breaking-up spontaneously. Despite all that, he never treated me like a rebound relationship. It SHOWED that he was really into me! 😉 So, back to the exes talk…I don’t bring it up, I prefer not to know, unless they’re still in the picture, or they have kids, or something. BUT, having said that, we must always pay attention to red flags, because if the one to blame is HIM, the red flags are bound to show up pretty soon . I’ve seen it now! As for you, I wish you to meet someone to love you for what you are, and trust you completely, without judging you based on previous relationships and the stories behind them! 😉
Good call Nat!!!
In the last few months i found myself when being asked about the X going into a tirade of a story, still. Only to think OMG am i really still talking about this. Great im not obsessing about it, dont care about him and see him everyday at work without it affecting me. BUT do i need to do this long winded bullsh8t story. So heres my new paired down version if someone askes or even if i ask myself when feeling less confident or lonely.
“My last relationship didn’t work out because he wasnt being authentic, the person I believed I was dating was far from the person he was, that in turn made us incompatible on many different levels. Ive learnt a great deal from the expereince and moved on ”
Love your work as usual nat 🙂
Wow. This helps. So much. Ive been going on for a year about the problem. The problem is we are both married to other people. Period.
I like the ‘summary exercise’ but I couldnt get it down to any less than 18 words……….
“I wanted a proper relationship and he didnt and it took me 3 years to figure that out”…………..
kim……that will be my new elevator pitch.
Its true Kim, it does take us time to figure things out the confusion blinds us, that is a good elevator pitch.
Every post I read here helps me learn more about myself. Thank you all. I had done my personal homework… took a lot of time by myself after leaving a long marriage. I was emotionally available and, at 50, in the best mental, emotional, physcial and psychological shape of my life. But, big But…the heart vs head is a complicated connection to read when one is swept off her feet. It took my first and only relationship (after my marriage) in 26 years to take me down. I am now back to the “me” drawing board (-: Hence, my nutshell….” I learned what an authentic relationship is not from my experience”. Priceless.
I think I have apologized about a million times to my lovely and patient friends and family who listened to me retell the same old story about my xAC, analyzing every single moment and justifying every single negative action no matter how many times they pointed out that he was bad news.
When I started to realize my role in all of it and tried to focus on me and my issues, those stories started disappearing from my daily chats, and I’m happy to say I don’t even remember the last time I mentioned the xAC to anyone.
If I had to sum up the past 13 months, I would say this:
“I was at an emotionally vulnerable point in my life and desperately needed something good going on. I was emotionally unavailable and as a result I attracted an emotionally unavailable person into my life. I quickly realized this relationship was creating more pain than happiness, and that I was just using it as a distraction from confronting and fixing my own issues. Since then I’ve dedicated the past few months working on myself, and with my self-esteem restored I am hopeful my next relationship will be a healthier one.”
I can’t add anything to the description of my past situations, you all have summed up my past rather succintly, AC’s, EUM’s, abusers, and some unidentifed other types of losers.
I hit on the bottom line with the assistance of Natalie and you all about three months into NC, once the fog starting clearing. I’ve been walking the wrong way on a one way street. The bottom line or common denominator in BR language is ME. Of course, I was as unavailable as the men I tried to make available. My focus was misdirected in trying to make them available and didn’t realize the only way I could have gotten into those situations is if I was unavailable as well.
Here’s my thinking: If the only person I can change is ME and I keep working on changing, is there hope for the future? I don’t want to sleep with the “pea” under my matress or an AC/EUM by my side. It hurts the next morning.
Well, there is always hope…the pea is hurtful but a teacher. You’ll be okay just continue the journey.
Hi – I’m a recovering ‘AC-aholic!’
LOVE IT!
I have been reading and educating myself through this site for a month or so now…It has been enlightening and to say the least, every time I open my mail, there is another post that I can totally relate to!
As I have been struggling getting over the “relationship breakdown”, and spewing the torrid details to whomever will listen, I have recently noticed that people are constructively trying to “avoid” me so as not to have to listen anymore!
And I see it now!
Time to stop spewing and time for action!!!!…from me…to me…for me!!!
Its time to look at the relationship for what it was, take accountability for what I can do to change my actions…so that I can change my future!
You cannot control what other people say and do…you can only control yourself….and its time for self control, self awareness, and self love!
Cheers to me for getting better every day! 🙂
Cheers to you Maggie!
I have also decided to stop telling the 20mn to 2 hours “story” everytime someone asks about my relationship status or mentions my ex – and I feel so much better now. Actually, it had started to embarrass me more than anything. People either don’t care and get fed up with you or when they do care they become anxious when you bring up out of the blue yet-another-episode of the ‘story’ (“reminds me of when he called and told me he misses me and…”).
Once your friends know the main plot, the only person who really wants to listen is you, because you’re still struggling to make sense of what happened 1, 3, 7 months later and have such a hard time letting go… (because to stop talking about it means it’s REALLY over = he’s REALLY gone = I’m REALLY alone, it’s just me and my issues/fears now…)
But while I used to think it was helping me heal (dissecting/analysing/sometimes even asking him – I had to push for this but he’s ended up contributing to my obsession… messing up with my head even more), I realized it makes YOU feel anxious because you KNOW you’re putting your head back in the sand (denial) and are going backwards… This is counterproductive because YOU are pressing the reset button and basically erasing all the hard work you’ve put into trying to get him out of your head. Whenever you’re given an opportunity to go back to the madness, you ‘witness’ yourself jumping head first into your internal drama/ emotional pain, making excuses/blaming and really just hurting yourself.
So now I just tell people “We wanted different things” (when I really think: we were incompatible, very emotionally unavailable and scared of commitment). It reminds me of why I STILL can’t go back, helps me move on and actually, I feel like there’s nothing more to say.
I’m with you now, working on self-love, self-awareness and the hardest part: stopping the denial I know now only comes back when I’m feeling insecure… whenever I hear the “nagging voice” that’s when he pops in my head and suddenly looks so attractive and like he’s the perfect remedy for all my fears… But oh well, we all know how wrong that is.
Cheers to us Ladies for all the hard work! It WILL…
Aw, words limit (Hope I don’t send a double message here.)
…pay off! 🙂
We can’t afford to throw our new-found happiness away whenever the ex AC/EUM is being mentioned/creeps around. So let’s just drop the story!
PS Thank you so much Natalie for all your insightful posts and you all for your great comments. These are invaluable to me. You’ve helped me figure out what strange dynamics push me back again and again into the same hurtful situations. I thought I was stupid and/or masochistic (yes I KNEW it came from me) but in fact, I’m really just scared of being abandonned.
Johanna B
Your post was enlightening, inspiring, and relates to my issues, conclusions, and experiences in many aspects too.
So now I just tell people “We wanted different things” (when I really think: we were incompatible, very emotionally unavailable and scared of commitment). It reminds me of why I STILL can’t go back, helps me move on and actually, I feel like there’s nothing more to say.
This is my favorite Elevator Pitch because it comes across as non blaming, confident, respectful to both parties. Whenever I have heard a guy say this I think what a respectful guy. I too experience the same thing as you that I can’t go back. My ex fwb still asks for me to be in his life and I tell him I can’t yet I am not ready.
MH
You’re not ready? Please don’t tell me you’re thinking there will be a day you’ll let this clown back in! And why are you still in contact with him? What does he possibly have to offer that will benefit you in any way? After what he’s done to you, why are you still engaging with him? I’m ranting. Let me take a deep breath – When Nat talks about the emotionally unavailable, one of the key characteristics she describes is the inability to FINISH relationships. Us hanging onto these men is proof of our emotional unavailability. Him hanging onto you is proof of his emotional unavailability. I put it to you that the two of you are emotionally unavailable. And, no, it does NOT make you bad people but if you truly want to move on you’ll leave this BAGGAGE behind (ie him).
MH, I truly don’t get your post. Read it again to check out meaning and still struggling…what do you mean with the ‘not ready’if you were deemed incompatible, you’ve suggested both EUM, yet you are toying with him’asking to be in your life’. It’s not a game to be emotionally unavailable to an emotionally unavailable man, playing proverbial ‘chicken’ to see who folds first?
Sorry if this sounds harsh but it resounds against the meaning of original post. I hope you see this. It sounds like you enjoy the ‘still’ aspect of this relationship. If it’s truly unhealthy move on, finish,don’t enjoy the languish!!
Grace you always hit the nail on the head. “You’re not ready? Please don’t tell me you’re thinking there will be a day you’ll let this clown back in!” Take a deep breath. It is really tough to FINISH these unhealthy relationships. We are struggling, I am still struggling. I love your rants. It keeps me focused and moving foward. Shoot, I still miss sharing our day together, even though I was half asleep by the time he got here! I’m so trying to leave him and his baggage behind. I agree totally.
I hear you on that, it started to embarrass me as well 🙂
Lynda from L,
I answered Grace below if you want to read that post.
I was relating to Johanna’s post as to how I keep away from him because he wants to be friends.
It would be the same if you were telling us that your guy wants you in his life and you are using this kind of thinking to stay away. It is a good thing what I am doing. I am not playing proverbial chicken. I have kept away from him and I have stuck to my boundaries of what I originally told him.
I didn’t go into details of what not ready means because I was sticking to the original post of the elevator pitch and how I liked her pitch to others and to herself. I reflected my paragraph from hers. Her pasted and cut paragraph is in my post along with my related paragraph.
Fair enough that you are asking for further clarification, I am not ready means I avoid group functions with our mutual friends so I don’t run into him. However my goal is to feel indifferent one day when I am strong enough and over him and don’t care that he is there at one of the functions. That is how we met we hang in the same circles. I avoid all the circles now and it is not fair to my friends or myself at times. I avoided all their bbq’s and functions last year because I couldn’t bare to see him.
I am not sure that I follow what your saying or that I feel it is true. I know where I was and how far I have come. Maybe I am not where you are at and not ready to face the next phase we only do what were ready for. If your a step ahead I am not there yet. I am feeling bad right now that I want to avoid activities with friends because of him that is where I am at. That is my phase and I am not going to pretend I am somewhere that I am not. My new elavator pitch is I want a copilot relationship and I have come to terms he wants a driver passenger relationship with people. This was a breakthrough for me this week and I want to ride it.
MH,
I understand what you mean when you say you’re not ready to be friends/close/within seeing distance whatsoever. I don’t know how much time has passed since you broke up but this shouldn’t pressure you, you’re ready when you’re ready – what matters is your healing.
You’re right to avoid “hanging out” with him. I thought I could take it and heal even though he was still around. So I didn’t stop seeing common friends, and I even got on with activities (politics) where we had to work together as a team.
Obviously this led to more drama, more rationalizing/assuming/hoping, and more pain.
Although it may be frustrating to you and your friends, you’re probably saving the precious time I wasted wondering what ALL this wonderful CAKE meant day after day.
Don’t hurt yourself like I did. Don’t disregard your feelings. If your gut instincts say “Danger, Not Ready : PAIN”, follow them and stay away. I know you do, but keep doing it 🙂
Get on with your life, see your friends when he’s not there, and the day you’ll be safe seeing him you’ll know it because you won’t care about his very presence anymore.
(I’m not there yet, but at least I stopped fooling myself)
I don’t know your story but judging from Grace’s comment, your ex doesn’t sound like he’s worth any of your time. I recommend you read the “It’s Just Cake” post as often as you need to – it still helps me a lot whenever he tries to suck me back into his creepy life.
Cheers to you all,
Johanna
When people ask I just say I have moved onto bigger and better things.
Nevertoolate, I like your approach… and your nickname! 😉
Thanks Grace,
I was meaning just friends in the future nothing more. I see your point though and your right but let me assure you its not the case of me not finishing things. I appreciate your ranting I like being in check thanks. It helps me ask myself the question am I doing what Grace or whoever is saying. I am honest with myself so I will admit when I am doing something unhealthy or I will think about it for awhile or atleast revisited it, in case I am not ready to face the truth yet or don’t know it.
I guess I say this or think this because I got rid of an emotionally unavailable guy from my life many years back but now because we hang in the same circles I see him at the functions. He has no bearing on my life anymore, he is just there. I don’t see him outside of the group and he doesn’t affect me nagatively anymore. I was crazy about this particular guy and I can’t see one thing I found attractive about him now.
Some of my closest friends are in the same circle as my lastest guy and so I might run into him in the future, especially with bbq season coming up. That is why I said what I said. None of these people know our involvement from my end, I didn’t want to share and he has told me he is not sure who he has told and not told or who has told who because he has never wanted to hide it but they don’t act like they know anything. One of my friends has a head injury and never knows who is on the guest list ahead of time because her husband does the inviting too and he is his friend, so he could be there one day. I am scared of finishing things for good because I don’t want it to be awkward in a group setting.
My friends from the other group that have no idea why the friendship ended with way back when guy, say it is no big deal just add him to facebook, invite him to your birthday, he is just him. I simply look at them and say nope not interested I like things the way they are. We were never intimately involved and it still would be a big deal to let him in my life again, he didn’t treat me right as a friend. I don’t bring him up they do as to why I don’t keep in contact with him outside of the group.
Grace,
I also wanted to say that I am processing through the steps and I am trying to get to the point where I don’t care about what me and the lastest guy had and I can see him at functions and feel no bearing like I do with way back when guy. I have a different agenda because of my friends. I feel when I can move on to the point if I do see him it is no big deal I feel I have truly moved on. Making him a taboo makes me feel he has a hold on me and he shouldn’t.
I am already saying my daily mantra and my elavator pitch: I want a copilot relationship. I know he wants to be a driver and he found his passenger. I don’t want to be a passenger so if I want to dwell and I do at times I remind myself of this reality and it helps.
MH
I re-read my post. Lord, I sounded a bit crazy! What I meant was – be careful that the amount of time you spend thinking about the relationship and its demise doesn’t outweigh the actual relationship. It keeps you stuck and invested because it’s mostly in your head and is self-perpetuating. I managed months of speculation about the last AC after just ONE meeting with no physical contact. The one before that – the obssession actually made me sick.
It doesn’t sound as if you had a proper relationship with this guy. Sometimes the non-reltaionships can take a disproportionate amount of time to get over because a lot seems unanswered. Ultimately, we have to Let. It. Go. It’s after you let it go that you’ll see what it was and might even get the answers you want (though hopefully by then you won’t care anymore). It’s the difference between looking at a painting that’s an inch from your nose that seems quite good and kinda interesting, and then stepping right back to see it for the ugly useless thing that it is and throwing it away.
My emotional unavailability shows itself in the way I kept my friends, family and boyfriends COMPLETELY separate. There is no danger after the end that I will bump into them. Even the men have commented on it. When I finally dumped them they would say, “hang on, this makes no difference to you. Your life carries on as normal!”. So I guess that makes me unique and it’s easier for me to say Cut Him Off than it is for others.
But I think you can still see this guy at barbecues etc without having to email him that you may be friends one day. I would do what Nat says, just say “hello” and move on. These men are terrible for hanging around for another go. And don’t worry about hurting his feelings. If he had cared that much for you as a friend I think he wouldn’t have had sex with you.
hi Grace,
I don’t plan on contacting him to tell him I want to be friends. I meant that I don’t want it to be awkward if I run into him. I only plan on saying hello, all I meant is he asks to be friends again and I am not ready. I am at the level right now where I avoid group functions because I don’t want to run into him because I can’t handle it yet. I don’t want to continue to be like this because I know it upsets my friends if I never go to the group functions. However, I have to look out for me and I will see them individually for now.
I don’t know what the future holds but I want to feel indifferent and not care he is somewhere I am going to be, eventually like I do with way back when guy.
I was relating to this comment of Johanna’s in brackets below on how I keep away too, I was actually stating a good thing.
(So now I just tell people “We wanted different things” when I really think: we were incompatible, very emotionally unavailable and scared of commitment. It reminds me of why I STILL can’t go back, helps me move on and actually, I feel like there’s nothing more to say.)
This paragraph below of mine was in relation to Johanna’s paragraph above.
This is my favorite Elevator Pitch because it comes across as non blaming, confident, respectful to both parties. Whenever I have heard a guy say this I think what a respectful guy. I too experience the same thing as you that I can’t go back. My ex fwb still asks for me to be in his life and I tell him I can’t yet I am not ready. I am not ready to see him at functions.
I know I am healthier and I hung with him way longer then I have been grieving. I feel positive changes in my life and I have dealt with many issues along the way. I still thank you for looking out for me. I was keeping focussed on the elavator pitch so that causes other details to be left out of the post.
I allow myself one, maybe two – at most – blow by blow descriptions, to a couple of very trusted friends. Venting optional. It’s more about getting their thoughtful take on it so that I can consider my options and adjust behaviors as needed.
Going forward, I assume most people will be worried, bored or perplexed by continual replays, so the self-editing begins.
Perpetuating the full three act retelling half a year or a year longer, in front of more or less unwitting and unwilling audiences, comes off as bitter (probably) and negative (certainly). Your true friends would be happier seeing you edit and move on, and those who are less than true don’t care. So why not just edit it all away & start being the kind of optimistic person who can roll w. the punches – the kind I’d like to meet.
I agree with you but i also think that just rolling with the punches is not healthy either. It takes courage and strength to allow yourself to go through the many different stages of the grieving process. If your brave enough to go through it then you come out the other end a stronger, wiser person and generally you have learnt the lessons.
Having the insight to realise that perhaps now your more so in a rut and need to start self editing to help push on or past that final bit however, well thats a good thing.
I’m all for saying “we wanted different things” to other people to spare them the whole story or to indicate we don’t feel like getting into it, or even to ourselves when the temptation to dissect and analyze comes up.
I do think a short version of the specifics can help keep us focused on the ways we need to grow.
Here’s my attempt: I have been scared of putting myself out there socially and have gone for people I thought did ‘social’ better than me. My willingness to believe in fantasy, passivity and victim mentality attracted liars, controllers and abusers. I put up with all kinds of crap rather than give up what felt like my salvation from having to overcome my fears.
I’m still bringing my ex anecdotally into all kinds of conversations. Lately it’s not to blame, it’s to talk about the world he exposed me to, which is better than negativity but still not great.
Magnolia,
It sounds progressive and that should count for a lot. You put the the elavator pitch into perspective and you put working on issues into perspective.
I believe we do go through stages and we need those stages because they are the road to recovery.
It sounds like you are where you need to be
It’s been six months and I had a minor rehash with my sister last night, but I think I’m getting it down pat:
He was an immature EUM who strung me along for two years; I went along because he looked good on paper, and I was hitting 40 and last-chancing it. I know better now. And anyway, I now have something more like a life, and also a pasta machine. Bought me a ravioli cutter on the weekend; look out thighs. (The two most beautiful words in the English language: ‘elasticised waist’).
I love your comment, laughed and laughed at the pasta cutter bit. Less though on the ‘last chancing it’ disclosure. I know, know, know the feeling been there…but you are better than last chancing it. Everytime!! Thanks for the laugh. x
MH while I understand what you mean about the guy saying the least making you feel he doesn’t have any issues with the break, sometimes saying just that much is also about evasion, atleast my ex did that. He seemed pretty cool about his last breakup but as the days passed I realised he had a streak of misogyny thanks to mommy issues. He has never forgiven any of the girls, I was led to believe one break was mutual and the other was after a huge fight, but later as the yarns were unspooled I got to know each time including me the girls had broken it off with him because the moment it got serious he would start the disappearing act. Just saying this to illustrate that what people say about their breakup may not indicate the truth always.
Having said that here is my summary : I dated someone who needed me and I felt pressured, next I dated the opposite who seemed self sufficient but was unavailable and I was too naïve and was forever confused by his behaviour. That’s the longer version. The shorter version is both these relationships were probably more about the idea of love than the act of love and both the guys and me didn’t fully understand the import of a mature relationship.
Learning to moveon,
Yes your point about indicating them as being evasive is very valid and well known. Only time will tell that, thus why dating is the exploratory stage. That is why we are suppose to go into relationships with our eyes wide open and address the red flags if they appear. I agree with you 100 percent but because the topic is about the elevator pitch I was only trying to address that subject.
I have been posting all over the place today about how important wanting different things is such a good elevator pitch because I listen to conversations daily from men and women saying how they are so tired of the blame game. I have heard girls put down other girls for going on about blaming their exe’s and I have heard many people sum up their relationships very respectfully.
When I hear girls especially new ones I meet tell me their littany of woes I right away think they have issues and think they have low self esteem and worry about getting involved with them. Since I am working on my self esteem issues I am careful of who I let in as a friend. I want to be around people that if they do have self esteem issues are working on them too. I met a girl when I was in the midts of all my EU drama and I had to let that friendship go because I found her emotionally unstable more than him. He was next on the hit list. She didn’t work through her EU issues with her men and it was acting havoc on her life.
I get what you and everyone on here is saying, we all have a story a long version and short version, however every relationship comes down to the simple term “WE WANTED DIFFERENT THINGS”
Whether he is player, a manipulator, a nice guy, the biggest jerk on the planet, or we are unavailable, a sabotager, we lack much self esteem, our feelings told us we wanted more than what we were getting, or better. We wanted different things and they wanted different things.
My elevator pitch:
For 46 years, I hated myself and didn’t realize it. I was deep in denial and living in delusion. I grew up in an EU house,never knowing or feeling love. I chased EUMs because they felt familiar, and when they didn’t love me, I used it as proof I was unlovable. I was also EU but because I was suffering and in pain, it never occurred to me I couldn’t “feel” or didn’t want it. I chased a narc, who liked the attention I was giving him. When I tried to co-pilot and ask for love, I was kicked to the curb. I didn’t accept it. I spent months figuring out what was wrong with him and then began to look at myself. As the layers of denial stripped away, I began to see myself clearly.
Not sure its 30 seconds, but its honest. In one of the past posts, a reader wrote that “once you figure out he’s an ass, why waste time trying to figure out why he’s an ass”. I laughed and thought it was brilliant. Now I see that if I hadn’t “wasted” all that time figuring out what was wrong with him, I never would have been able to start looking at myself. By realizing (through him) that there are lots of reasons why someone doesn’t love you that aren’t just because you are unlovable, I was able to stop hating myself. I was also finally able to hold the thought – my mother doesn’t love me – in my head without it destroying me or using it as more proof I was broken or bad. I can now see that people in pain or without love for themselves can’t love others and its no reflection on the others.
I will never know why my last ex was my epiphany relationship. Despite the pain, I am so grateful for it. Without him, I would still be hating myself. Without this website, I would still be focusing on him. I am learning to love me and to accept and give love to those able to return it.
Debra
My ephiphany was a bit of nothing. We didn’t even have sex or kiss. We met ONCE. But as I found myself waiting for a text, checking his facebook and thinking about him I realised that I was being JERKED AROUND. I didn’t know what to do about it, but I knew I wasn’t going to give in to it so I sought counselling and found BR. It was all done and dusted with the guy within months. I barely give him a second thought except to laugh about how ridiculous it was. The real journey was learning about myself.
Yes, even though he was an AC, I too am glad he came along.
Reading through these comments I realise I interpreted this post more as “What do I tell myself?” rather than “What do I tell other people”. I guess having been single for years no-one’s asking me about my last relationship. Plus I was never one for discussing my relationships in any detail – at some level I realised it was a joke and talking about it was going to make me look like a fool.
Anyway, my point is – what we tell other people is not as important as what we tell ourselves. I think it’s fine to have an acceptable “press release” statement for busybodies and first dates. For friends and family who really care, something more indepth may be more appropriate but for yourself – definitely go for the short no-BS option that points the laser at yourself. And it’s not about blaming yourself, or them. Yes, there was unacceptable behaviour but it took two to create the dynamic and two to maintain it.
Hi Grace,
Agreed. I also interpreted this post as about what we tell ourselves rather than other people. If we can’t sum up and get to the *real* root of the problem, we’re deluding ourselves/lying to ourselves/making excuses/etc. Summing up the problem and acknowledging both “their” roles and ours in our relationship dynamics isn’t about blaming ourselves or them. Its about being honest with ourselves.
Cheers.
Lisa
Thanks Lisa
(but i still think a lot of them were losers!)
Hey Grace, I feel there are some people who I could say this as my elevator pitch to, not everyone ,but some. ..
I feel I need to know it myself, but not be beaten down by it. My pitch will evolve, get healthier hopefully?
Grace: For the second time in these comments, I agree with you. I don’t talk about my relationships to other people, so Natalie’s words touched on me coming up with a succint statement for myself. I don’t consider myself to be avoiding or blaming or in denial to state the facts about the situation. All facts that I can state without any anger or denial: I contributed, he contributed, he is a jerk.
Grace, and others.
You just summed up what I found to be true about most comments to this post. It is not so much an elavator pitch everyone has been speaking of as much of how everyone is trying to sum up their past relationships in a nutshell.
Your right as long as we all work through our denial to get ourselves to the our authetic selves is the main goal so to speak.
I felt that some were missing the point of this post, we are all human and I am not saying this to put anyone down, it is just we all come here to learn so we don’t keep repeating history. We help each other on here to learn so we can each move on to better places in our lives mentally. If I am missing the point of something, I like it to be pointed out so I learn the right lesson.
So many important things were said in these posts and I want to mentioned the comparison that I combined from one of the posts before this one from Natalie.
She mentioned that Drivers need passengers, I believe if not all but most of us readers here on BR want to be co-pilots. Here is the elavator pitch I would say to those closest to me and to myself.
OUR RELATIONSHIPS DIDN’T WORK OUT BECAUSE WE DIDN’T WANT TO BE PASSENGERS WE WANTED TO BE CO-PILOTS.
The other would be to dates and everyone else “We wanted different things.”
Grace & Lisa – I also understood this post as being about what we tell ourselves first and foremost. No finding excuses for the guy’s behaviour, but not beating yourself up either. And, at the end of the day, the others may or may not need to know about it. It’s not about them, it’s about us! 😉
MH – As I said in a past comment as well, the first priority is YOURSELF, not the others, not potential future partners and what they may think of you. You may tell them something as vague as possible if you wish. And even so, some people may find “hidden meaning” behind the most innocent statements. But YOU must know your real value, and be honest with yourself, and if someone misjudges you and what you say, it’s their mistake. In your case(s) him blaming the ex was a red flag, but we should not generalize. But how would you have felt if he told you: “I cheated on her” or “I dumped her for no reason” or even “I had self-esteem issues and allowed her to treat me like s**t”? Even worse, I believe! “We wanted different things”, when told to a new dating partner may mean anything, which is not very clear. This is why I hardly ever get into these conversations on dates (see my comment above)! 😉 And when you told me that it sounded like I was “blaming him” – well, he IS to blame! Why should I spare him? I don’t hate him, but I don’t intend to find excuses for his behaviour either, to make him look like less of a dipstick. 🙂 I didn’t say anything exaggerated and I told it like it was. As for myself, I WAS indeed idealistic and betting on potential, but at least I was 100% honest to him all the time and my feelings were true.
Maybe Natalie can fill us in… Natalie, were you talking more about “what we tell ourselves” or “what we tell other people”? 🙂
I think, and maybe this has happened through people’s own personal exploration and interpretation of things that there is an element of going way off base.
“I’m not suggesting that you forget the details, but it would serve you well to be able to summarise why your relationship isn’t working/didn’t work out in 30 seconds to a minute. You may even find it beneficial to also shrink it to a one liner – like a business tagline. Cut through the fluff and get to the truth.
Remember if you’re excusing and justifying, you’re denying.
When you can identify the key issues in your relationship, it’s either an opportunity to address them or for you to validate the true reasons why it cannot or didn’t work so that you can heal and move on.”
This is not about what an ex, friends, whoever thinks of you. The post was about you being able to summarise a relationship so that *you* can identify issues. When we ramble on telling stories or we focus on the other person, we miss the bigger picture of identifying the very issues that we’re trying to avoid. Yes you can use a one liner to explain to others or to summarise it even further to yourself, but the post is about identifying ‘the pea’ and taking off the mattresses.
Good! So I guess I understood your point quite well. For MYSELF, I can summarize as “we didn’t want the same type of relationship (summer fling vs. stable relationship)”, or “I was unwilling to put up with his ambiguous behaviour, therefore I pulled away”. Lesson to be learned for my future relationships: we must always proceed with caution, even if the other person seems the perfect match at the beginning. No betting on potential allowed: it’s his actions and relationship views that count! 😉
This is a very interesting post and love all the comments…I would like to comment on the purpose of the elevator speech in business, because I am a business owner! We have long brainstorming sessions with other business people to try to come up with our “elevator” speech and you would not believe how difficult this is, and it makes sense to me to apply this to relationships. What a great idea!
Why is it so important to get an elevator speech in business? Because time is money and you must engage someone quickly if you are going to be able to hook their interest. Their eyes glaze over when you get caught into the business story and you lose your audience, and then they can’t identify what it is you are really trying to sell them. It is so difficult to drill down to what the actual value a business is in just a few short sentences…but oh, when you get there it is beautiful! Because you have now defined your purpose/value! That is the pea! And the people this benefits the most are the people in the business, because we have now really defined our value in the marketplace.
So if we take this exercise very seriously, and not just come up with a flippant remark but really define the pea in a few sentences, we will have not only understood where we went wrong on our path….but what the core pea of our value/purpose is! So I would like to suggest that rather than look for the pea that was wrong in our relationship, what if we look for the pea that defines ourselves, our internal value, AND our value to the marketplace (men) and then we will be less likely to meander down a non-value add path.
Just like in business, when I am very succinct on what I want my value to be, I will find the right customers for my business and not waste my time with non-customers! Another cool business concept I have used is to define who my “dream” customer is….and when I did that, I found I was in some cases desperately chasing the wrong customers, who were never going to value my work, or not be able to pay me if they did because they were too small, not financially sound, etc.
So let’s define our pea (what we want our value to be), and then identify the right customer (our relationship), and steer…
very nice article 🙂
@ Ieisha *waving* I see we are on the same path. The meaning of love/ unconditional love/ self-love and wanting to help heal the men I thought I loved. Huge lessons! The pea for me is accepting who I am and there’s nothing wrong with me just because I’m not in “the couples club”. (I was single & celibate for 8 years, loving myself & my son. But I didn’t trust myself and I accepted the next 2 Mr Unavailables that came my way *smh*.) @EpicFacePalm “Hi – I’m a recovering ‘AC-aholic!’” OMG this is the best! Gotta use that one. Grateful for you all!
Helllllloooooo back! (smiles)
Well hot damn. Good one. Gonna have to re-read this and may comment again later.
(by the way, telling the full tale… That was me a while ago. 😐 *slaps forehead*)
Yep my answer is: “He wasn’t man enough for me.”
Toni Braxton! I remember the song, and I was thinking about it when we broke up. It’s part of my “break-up soundtrack”! 😀
Yep! I love that song and it explains everything about these kind of guys. I love it when she says “Girl you better recognize the game!” Thanks to Natalie’s books and advice I am able to identify Mr. Unavailables, even the ones who hide it well at first and eliminate them before they have a negative impact on my life, it rocks!
Natalie, great post.
It was time that I revisted the ultimate reason for me to opt out.
So I refered back to the articles you referenced in this post to get VERY CLEAR.
A Year and a half ago I struggled with the reality that the person I was with was not rigght for me.
I had to first to diagnoise if I was with a assclown and accept the things I could not change.
There were key things that I needed to be aware of and my limits needed to be set.
Ultimately, and very simply….
My primary value of companionship and intamacy was not compatible with a person who wanted solitude and doing their own thing. I value being included vs. excluded and I thrive in togeather time.
I easily slip into wishful thinking and fantascy.
Thank you for your diligence with your continued posts.
I too will remain unwavering in my commitment to stay focused and grounded in reality
Blessings to you!
Why are some people good at avoiding EU people and jerks in their personal/dating relationships, but not in their friendships? This is my problem.
Used
My friends are terrific – I’m very picky. I observe them, see how they behave before I “warm up”. They must be kind and trustworthy with a good sense of humour, be good listeners, not self-centered, with a moral centre. They absolutely must be reliable. I’ve dropped several friends who didn’t return calls, or were constantly late. No hard feelings, I guess I just wasn’t a priority. I don’t connect with shallow people. I don’t like negative people who bitch about others.
I don’t care how old they are, what they look like, what they do, how much money they have, how popular they are, what their hobbies are, what music they like, what they wear, how educated they are. Unimportant.
Now, if I only could have picked men that well!
Awesome points Grace.
I guess it is easier with our friends because we don’t fall in love with them like we do with men or lovers. This is the pitch in itself.
I have dropped some friends for the same reasons and others I have put them on the back burner so they don’t affect my life anymore. I see them at a function I don’t have to rely on them for and enjoy a nice conversation and say my good byes at the end of the evening.
Used,
You’re not applying the same boundaries.
Thank you.
Natalie, this post could not have been more appropriate for me right now.
I’d been speaking to guy for a month or so. He seemed lovely and honest at first. He asked me out but became an assclown when we came to arrange the date, so I cut contact. He continued to txt and even sent flowers on my birthday to my workplace – prompting questions from my colleagues who knew nothing about the guy or situation. Instead of answering their questions by simply saying, “We weren’t compatible”, I went into detail and once I’d said everything, I felt quite put out. Now I know that a simple line won’t make me feel like I’m replaying the whole mess in my head. Thank you!!
Minka, same thing happened to me last week! I was introduced by a friend to a guy that is an acquaintance of hers and his date set-up process was, like, AC 101. Needless to say, I did not go on said date and found myself having to answer 20+1 questions about why I didn’t want to go out on a damn date haha! My entire group of friends was like, “Why don’t you just go and see what happens?” Sometimes when I’m single I feel like getting a t-shirt that says, “No I am no desperate and I don’t have to go out with someone just because he asked. This isn’t Last Chance Saloon.” I cracked up when I read your post, because I know what it’s like to have to give a long-winded explanation as to why it didn’t work out with someone I never even had dinner with 🙂
Minky and Natasha, just to remind you lovely ladies or if you didn’t see certain previous posts a little walk down wisdom lane on how you two chose such wise choices now.
This goes back to things that have been said throughout BR.
We can make as much of a big deal out of something as we want or we can let it go. This manifests drama if we choose the former.
Boundaries are to be stated with friends and families not just EUM’s.
I too have a family member that does the exact thing to me that people have done to you. I tell her if you want to live your life giving every rift raft that sails through a chance and not see the warning signs that is your choice in life not mine. I also tell her when I discover something I don’t think is healthy for me I end it and I am not going to explain to her further or list attributes of the person, end of story. People like her and the ones you two face want nitty gritty details it gets into put downs I say and is best to be left unsaid.
It was *Minka* not me who made the comment :). I can see this getting confusing.
Natasha, kudos to you for having the strength to tell them straight – you’re so right, it really is NEVER the “Last Chance Saloon”! I bet you’re glad that you found out that he was a waste of time before the date right?
Thank god I read a few of the articles on here while we were talking about meeting up – i don’t honestly know if i would’ve spotted his assclownery without them, so much can seem like indecision and shyness!
Great post. It’s been over a year since I left Mr. Assclown. I am at the point where I can summarize in 30 seconds:
He was a passive aggressive, self absorbed, insecure narcissist. And I came up with that “diagnosis” after reading Natalie’s blog. However, I have not “moved on.” I still have 1/4 of 1% of crap. The “crap” that I cannot move on from is…… why? Why would someone just act like that? What happened in his life to make him be that way? Logically, I know I will never know the answer to this question, yet I hold on to it.
During the relationship, I asked him what woman made him so insecure? He claimed NO woman did! (Of course……) But he did admit to insecurities.
Somehow, I have to move on from this 1/4 of 1% of crap. Or I will keep splitting hairs on it. (1/8 of 1%….. 1/16 of 1%…….. 1/32 of 1%……)
jj2
A quarter of one percent is fine. I take it this guy was abusive. It does have an effect that, on some level, will always be with you. I don’t think it’s a bad thing. At least you’re able to sympathise with people who’ve been in a similar position. You know what it’s like and you know you can survive. It’s quite inspiring.
Sometimes I turn the thought around, as if I was playing with a puzzle, “Why did he do that? Why did my mother do that?” and then I just put the puzzle down and do something else. It certainly doesn’t keep me awake at night anymore. My counsellor said it would always be there, and that was oddly comforting. It was good to have the permission not to be 100% over it.
Don’t beat yourself up about the quarter per cent. Don’t force yourself to move on from it. If you just let it be there, it loses its power.
Funny, you’ve started me thinking about my abusive ex and why he did it. Time to do a bit of weight-training I think!
JJ2 check out Cindy’s post above…she quite rightly points out –
( and one of my most notorious faults)… getting into the dark pool of fathoming motive,reasons why etc? and the fact that it can lead you to a vulnerability to breaking No Contact!
I did this,going over the reasons why, rather than getting busy, moving on…and the fact that it also made you a slave to the telephone, text checking, bitchdom…. As Grace says, you need to put the puzzle down. If you are like me, your ego says ‘You’re too clever to leave the puzzle unsolved… BUT! You should be saying..
‘ I’m too clever to waste my time solving this arsy puzzle’.
Maybe your elevator pitch is ‘you met a guy who you couldn’t fathom and despite that you convinced yourself you could!’
I had, and am looking at the reasons why I wanted to stay puzzling and fixing and the light turned on me is truly revealing. Let it be. x
@LyndaFromL, I think you said it:
“Maybe your elevator pitch is ‘you met a guy who you couldn’t fathom and despite that you convinced yourself you could!’”
@Grace, thank you for this comment:
“It was good to have the permission not to be 100% over it.”
This was comforting to me.
lol… Grace I love your ending… I’ve taken to doing stomach crunches everytime I think about my ex. At least all that obsessing will be good for something…. I wish I had thought of it 2 months ago… I’d have rock hard abs by now!
jj2,
I know what phase you are at I was there way back when.
In cases where people go to counselling to deal with dangerous abusers outside of relationships, experts teach their clients that forgiveness helps because it is true there is never going to be a 100 percent outcome of figuring out someone. In a case like yours there is usually history and you might remember something you know from his past that lets you know that he didn’t always have life easy.
When my ex told me his dad always did what he wanted in life and didn’t care what anyone else wanted it made me realized why he was so carefree. He thinks nothing of it because it is what he knows, we see it as selfish/narcisstic and he admits that he is too but not to the extent that he is. Either way he found someone who is putting up with his selfishness so we have to ask ourselves does “why” even matter. Way back when I asked my ex why he was the way he was, was it another girl that screwed him up he said no too, and he said he doesn’t know why. Anyways way after when I heard the off the cuff dad comment mentioned above, even he didn’t put it together the question of why no longer poppped into my mind, it shut me up because I forgave him for being him, he knew no better. I don’t excuse him for it, I don’t let him treat me bad, or put up with him anymore. I accept that he isn’t going to change because he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour and that is the bottom line.
Anyways the pitch that is helping me and maybe sum up the phase your in is from one of Natalie’s latest post combined with my take on it “we don’t want to be passengers to these drivers we want to be copilots in our relationships.”
“why? Why would someone just act like that? What happened in his life to make him be that way?”
It doesn’t matter. Just keep telling yourself that. Of course it DOES matter if they’re treating you badly, but you’re not in that relationship anymore, so it doesn’t matter why he acted that way, what happened in his life, what caused it, etc. It just is. You know who he is, what he’s like, the important thing is to just move on and enjoy your life now that you’re free of him. If say, a store cashier is rude and nasty to you for no particular reason, do you ask why? Do you start to imagine all the possibilities of their day, their life, their childhood to cause this to happen? Probably not. It’s easier to brush it off because they’re a nameless stranger than with someone that you invested time and energy in a relationship with. I think part of the reason that we ask “why are they like this?” is to gain some control over the situation. If we just knew what caused it, maybe we could fix it somehow, and we could stay one step ahead of them instead of feeling powerless. Knowledge is power, right? But this is knowledge you will never be able to get. So let it go. Letting go and not having something have power over you, feels powerful. Living your own life, having healthy relationships (romantic, platonic, etc.) is powerful. So let it go, when you’re ready. There’s nothing to be afraid of if you do. 🙂 Just learn from the experience so that something positive comes out of it. Learn not to fall for the same type of guy, engage in relationships in a more healthy way, use the experience to learn about what you want and don’t want in a relationship.
Hoorah I can finally describe it in 6 words.
‘Were not on the same page.’
Me:
– Wanted a genuine loving, caring long term relationship but was out of touch with my own emotional availability.
Him:
– Only wanted a convenient, no-strings, cold and detached sexual arrangement, and was emotionally unavailable.
6 word summary for the world:
“We were on different relationship planets”.
Grace – I LOVED your response. I don’t care either how old my friends are, what they do for a living, what they look like etc. etc. Are they kind? Are they generous and responsive? Basically are we co-pilots in Nat’s terminology in this friendship together. Ditto for relationships now…. this is what the elevator pitch should be to summarize any relationship.
When I first started with the last EUM I thought we were on the same page wanted the same things but after four years I now realize we were on very different pages, basically to be involved with EUMS I must be EU and like to be unhappy in relationships it is obvious now Im looking at me.
But the most basic message is we were both deluded into thinking we wanted the same thing but at the end of the day we wanted very different things.
I got to the point by saying “The more I got to know him the less I could see myself fitting with him. That’s what dating in about. “
I’ve taken to saying… {clears throat}…. “he was an ass”
I loved the comment, “Would you entrust something that matters to you — be it your pet, a car, a family heirloom — to a person who has shown you that they’re not responsible, and that they won’t take care of it properly?” No! I would NOT hand something valuable over to someone who clearly doesn’t value it. So why have I handed myself over to people who have shown that they don’t value me? I didn’t value myself enough. And if I didn’t value myself….why should anyone else?
Awesome post! (as usual) This brings back embarrassing memories of an assclown ex and I who broke up two years ago, who did the yo-yoing and pretty much every thing in the ass clown manual, and how for a good year I would rehash the relationship and analyze the crap out of it. I mean I had pages and pages of notes from psych journals, this that and the third trying to explain his behavior and a bulk of it involved finding some shred of evidence that it was all a mistake, he just needed some help to realize we were actually meant to be…omg so insane! It didn’t help that my bestfriend was going through the same situation so we commiserated with each other and in our mutual denials spent countless phone conversations discussing our exes, and neither of us grew weary as we were in the same boat! It got to the point where my family commented on the fact that I speak about the same thing everyday and if I’m not tired of it…so embarrassing! Then I would conduct my conversations in private for fear of ridicule and feeling like no one really understood how unique things were and why I needed to beat that horse to a pulp…smh!
I have done a 180 and for the last 8 months have been assclown free and have seen the situation for what it is and if asked why my last relationship ended, my answer is simply: “He was insane”. LOL! That’s really what it boils down to for me, and if I want to be very technical then I’d say “He was not the right one for me, I was delusional though so I thought otherwise, but the universe saw it fit to correct my mistake and so things fell a part”.
I was in an ambiguous, non-relationship for 5 months that has ended a few weeks ago (right around the time I started reading your site and became aware of the truth that he was unavailable like everyone else). I had initially raved about him to a friend and recently she asked what’s up with him and I told her “We both want different things so I decided we’re better off as friends”. I’m proud of myself for that, as it was a great improvement over rehashing every detail. The fact that I didn’t even want to rehash anything and saw it for what it was is sooo awesome to me, because I can see my growth and how my approach to relationships is getting healthier.
I think the idea of elevator pitching things and seeing the pea underneath the mattresses is an excellent litmus test of a relationship before it starts or while it is going on. If you have to over explain and pile on the mattresses before it even begins or while it is going on…..STOP! I spent every single day explaining my ambiguous non-relationship and making excuses for why it was the way it was….now I realize that was all mattresses and the pea of the matter was that he simply was not interested enough and we were also incompatible. Point blank. Period.
I’m so confident and happy now and ready to actually practice healthy dating, as I realize I had NEVER dated healthily before. It was either being involved in unavailable scenarios, giving people I didn’t like “a chance”, getting involved too quickly or trying to size up marriage and soulmate potential in 45 seconds smh. My boundaries weren’t good and I made so many excuses and twisted myself so much and now, even from how I decided to end it with Mr. Unavailable and I just set some boundaries with a male friend (who has a gf but who I allowed to talk to me and treat me like his plaything)…I feel like wow, I’m learning and putting it into action and I’m sure that while I will make mistakes the caliber of men I will attract now will be a lot better and I will not allow myself to be compromised and to stay in any fruitless situation for longer than necessary. Thank you!