selection of diceI am a huge advocate for using the No Contact Rule on men that just seem to have an allergy to breaking up and making a clean break. Even when you don’t have to get medieval on him and cut contact, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it a million times again, this whole staying in touch and trying to be friends after you’ve broken up is BS – just ask the millions of women out there that are secretly hoping for him to suddenly see them for the great women they are so they can have their fairy tale ending, who actually in effect end up being used for a shag and/or an ego stroke.  

But…women, especially Fallback Girls and assclown lovers are obsessed with the big question: Will he try to get in contact with me?

Now like a lot of things in poor relationships, obsessing over the what if’s of this question is a reflection of the female trapping of suffering from Women Who Talk and Think Too Much syndrome and not seeing the wood for the trees.

We focus on the act itself – him getting in touch.

We don’t think about before when he was a dickhead and messing us around.

We don’t think about what happens afterwards and what his actually getting in touch really meant.

In fact, the only thing we think about is what we think a man getting back in touch with us meansHe wants me/He wants to get back together with me/He misses me/He regrets his actions

To add insult to injury, Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns are LAZY! They may not even call – they might skip straight to text, instant messenger, or email! If you fall into the trap of actually believing that his actions mean way more than they actually do, you’re so excited about the act of him getting in touch and back into betting on potential mode, that you fail to see the joker and his actions for what they are.

But let’s answer the big question – but will he try to get in contact with you?

It depends on the circumstances but it may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, it may not even be this year, or even until twenty years time, but if he is of the Mr Unavailable and assclown variety and hasn’t seen the error of his ways, his overblown ego, total disconnect, and selfish, using ways, means that he will probably at some point make contact with you.

To be honest, a lot of it depends on YOU. You are in the driving seat of this way more than you realise:

If you had the brass balls to see him for what he is and tell him to get the hell out of your life, he is likely to resist or be hesitant about trying to make a comeback. If he does try, it’s probably for an ego stroke or a shag, or to put himself back in the driving seat…and then disappear.

If you got down on your knees and held on to his feet begging him to stay, he’ll probably get in touch for a shag and an ego stroke. However…if you were really OTT, he’ll probably make you wait a while as he may be ‘nervous’ of your emotions.

If you keep making contact with him or make a big point of reiterating how you don’t want to lose him and how you want to stay in touch, he’ll probably be in touch. However, it’ll still be for a shag and/or ego stroke.

If you’re sort of hanging on the fringes, sending smoke signals that you’re ‘there’, he will make contact as and when he needs you.

If you tell him you don’t give a sh*t about him, if he’s from the egotistical stable, he’s likely to want to prove you wrong.

If you appear to have moved on or seem like you might be getting over him, he’ll probably get back in touch.

If you’ve avoided him for longer than any previous breakup, he’ll probably get in touch because he doesn’t like to be out of control of you being emotionally invested in him.

If he has worked his way through his narcissistic harem of women and hit a blank wall, he’ll probably chance his arm with you.

If the one he left you for dumps his ass, or he finds himself being (heaven forbid) rejected by another woman, he’ll probably try it on with good ‘ole familiar you.

If he catches a clarity glimpse in the mirror and realises that he hasn’t still got the magic, he’ll probably come back to you.

If you give any hint whatsoever that you are still interested in him and for many of you, that will come down to giving him the time of day, when he needs something and you seem like an easy candidate, he will get in touch with you.

But…the fact that it could be anytime between now and infinity is all the more reason why you shouldn’t be sitting at home pining away for him! Don’t wait for him – it may not ever happen.

Yes many of them do get in touch, but many don’t!

Why? Because they have no need for you and they’re getting a shag and an ego stroke elsewhere. If they’ve moved on, you’re the least of their concerns right now. It’s only the most egotistical, pathetic, lying, cheats that like to keep you on ice after they’ve left you and moved on with someone else. Next thing you know, you’re in relegation zone and been demoted from girlfriend, to ex, to the other woman. Don’t take a demotion – ever!

But why do they get in touch with us then?, some of you may ask.

To test to see if the proverbial door is still open. That may mean your legs or your emotions, or a combination of the two.

The only way that men who don’t know how to get the hell out of your life and leave you to move on, know that you are over them, is to be greeted with a closed door...repeatedly.

Eventually, they get bored. It will be very annoying and if you’re not quite over him, a test of your willpower, but they do get the hint eventually, especially if you’ve actually moved on.

Men that don’t want to let you go but also don’t want to give you what you want, are flip flappers. They don’t know their arses from their elbows so they can’t commit to being with you, they can’t commit to not being with you, they’re not sure if they like you, but they’re not sure if they don’t like you, and whatever energy they’ve mustered up to feel something for you, they don’t know why they feel it.

The worst kinds of men like Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns are ego and…often penis driven. The dick knows not why it wants it, just that it wants to get laid in some familiar territory…and then hotfoot it back out of your life the moment that they think you want, need, or expect something from them!

They don’t want you but they don’t want you not to want them.

They like knowing that there is at least one woman out there that is foolish enough to keep taking them back even though they bring less and less to the table each time, and they don’t even muster up the energy to attempt to be sincere anymore!

Remember, if we as women are afraid to be on our own, we have to entertain the very real possibility that there are men out there that also don’t like to be ‘alone’.

What you need to be asking yourself when you’re wondering whether he’ll call and trying to calculate when, is:

Why the frick do you care?

Then ask yourself why you need to concern yourself about whether a man who doesn’t want you and who didn’t treat you right is going to call?

Because remember that from the moment that someone breaks up with you, a major signal needs to be going to your brain that you and this person are not on the same page, and that rather than value you and do everything in their power to make the relationship work, they would rather opt out.

They are out. If you’re still ‘in’, something’s wrong.

You cannot spend your time trying to outthink these guys and pre-empt their moves. For a start, obsessing and thinking about what they may or may not do are signs that you are not moving on, still heavily emotionally invested, and in essence conducting your relationship with him in your imagination.

You know that you are grieving, healing, and moving on when you’re not throwing away your time priming yourself for a possible phonecall, text, or instant message that may or may not happen. Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment! You should be too busy getting on with your life to be on tenterhooks for the joker!

This is not the movies or a fairy tale! I hate to be a parade killer, but having two star crossed lovers that have an obstacle crop up at just the right moment to push them apart, for it to be resolved in 90 minutes just isn’t real life. Men that want you don’t tell you that they don’t want you!

And a man does not have to say ‘I DON’T WANT YOU’ to say ‘I DON’T WANT YOU!’

We make too many excuses for men, we let them off the hook, and we’re hearing but we’re not listening because one way or another, the guy is showing or telling you which way the land really lies, but you just don’t want to see or hear it.

The key to all of this, is what happens after he gets back in contact. Do you live happily ever after? Is he a different man? Does he do everything that you’ve been asking for and continue to do it? Does he put both of his feet into the relationship?

Or does he disappear? Does he text you, you reply, then not return your text? Does he promise you the earth but you end up with a crumb? Is it same sh*t, different week?

You know what the contact meant by what happened afterwards. It’s not the contact, it’s what he does with it and what happens afterwards that counts. I suspect if you’re a Baggage Reclaim reader, it didn’t work out too well…

So, instead of asking, will he try to get in touch with me? Ask yourself ‘Is the door going to be open for you to receive his contact?’

Your thoughts?

Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.

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371 Responses to The Big Question: But will he try to get in contact with me?

  1. Miserable Love says:

    Hey guys,
    I just wanted you to know that I have read the articles recommended and bought NML’s book, Mr. Unavailable and the Fall Back Girl, and it has been really helpful. I am not quite through reading it, but if you all haven’t purchased the book, it was under $20.00, I recommend it. It is really helping me. You all have really helped me alot.

    Kori – since our situations are so similar, I was wondering if you got the book. It addresses some of our very problems. It is a hard reality to face, but has to be faced. Of course, the book deals with several different problems, but overall it assumes that the majority of assclowns WILL return to us at some point. However, I am pretty sure that will not be the case with me. And I know I should be relieved, but part of me wishes he would contact me so that the ball would be back in my court, even though I know he doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air that I breathe. The book has also shown me that your assclown is Physically Unavailable, as well as Emotionally Unavailable, withholding sex. I have also learned that trying to “make him see” what he he has lost, misses me, wants me back, etc., is only expending more energy that he doesn’t deserve. I know the truth and that is all that matters. I am feeling a little more independent today. Lets keep each other up to date.

  2. aphrogirl says:

    I am wondering

    I just don’t believe that what we feel for AC’s, and for wanting them to contact us, is love. We might think it’s love, but I am starting to suspect they trigger the child-abandonment reaction in us by going away- whether they leave us emotionally and/ or physically. I am starting to think the strong intense ” longing” for them to return, physically and emotionally, is confused for love.

    And “longing” for them to return is not love !! Longing may be a component of healthy love in the beginning, when we are making a decision to get to know someone better, but I would like love to be reassuring and stable and does not bring up feelings of abandonment that create drama and fear.

    Just my thought of the morning.., heading off to working on having a good day. wish the same for anyone reading.

  3. Miserable Love says:

    aphrogirl,

    I am not sure what your situation is/was??? Your thoughts may apply to some people’s situation, but several of us who have posted are in touch with our feelings. I do respect your opinion and thoughts, as any information and insight into this hard time in our lives is appreciated. I loved my assclown long before he broke it off with me and the love has not gone away. The strong intense longing for my assclown was in affect during the relationship, not just after it was over, waiting for him to contact me. I think that proves it is love. Love doesn’t go away, or disappear within 24 hours just because the assclown wakes up and decides he doesn’t want to love us anymore. If that was possible for me, I would have done it a long time ago to put myself out of my misery. I was dumped on my ass plain and simple, and it is the worst experience of my life. But I am beginning to see, after blaming myself, that it is not about me. I have longed for him to return, which I am now seeing is not what I really should want or desire, but I will always love him, until the day I take my last breath. And my assclown doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air that I breathe. : }

  4. aphrogirl says:

    Miserable

    I did not mean to offend, I was questioning a long cherished belief of mine,

    The EUM I know actually said to me, somewhat gleefully…”you’ve never been dumped before, have you” when he realized I was having a hard time with his habit of emotionally and physically disappearing. Unlike yours my EUM came back a few times, weakly though, never in a satisfying way, never with more than half a foot in.

    In all honesty, I think your experience was really awful and I truly wish you well getting though this, The man you encountered seems to me to be a truly class A mindf**ck.

    But the fact remains. I question whether what I thought to be love, truly was love, or just a response to his manipulative behavior that created a lot of insecurity in me, and maybe triggered all the old feelings of abandonment I have experienced in my life.

    I need to take a hard look at that because I cannot fathom why I would choose to love a clown who was really using me, and playing a silly game with me all along. That is so odd, and not how my choices have typically been.

    The more I go NC, the more I question everything I thought was true and real in that relationship, and I think that is a good thing, It is something I want very much to understand so I will never find myself in such an awful position again.

    All I was saying is that I might have confused the difficult feelings, drama and confusion with love. I understand you did not have the choice to initiate NC because he did it first. That would be hard, but you can claim your power by working hard to see him for the man he is and working to truly not want that awful version of love ever again.

    Honestly, we all have broken hearts here, we all thought that love would somehow triumph over every obstacle, but we are all here because we all need to heal and understand what we have been through…insights from others are one way we do so.

  5. Miserable Love says:

    Aphrogirl,
    You did not offend! I can see what you are saying. Sounds like your EUM was a classic ahole. I am sorry! From the sounds of it, he totally didn’t care about your feelings at all and did what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. I can relate. And yes, you pinpointed my man exactly, Class A Mind.F., for sure. I totally understand your concern about relating love to issues from your past. I wish you would give yourself some credit! Just know that probably all of us wonder how we could possibly have fallen in love with the jerks that ended up using us. I can’t believe I fell for it either. My whole experience has made me questions my judgement in every area of my life now. I second guess everything for fear of making another wrong decision. I truly hope you are able to identify what happened in your situation, as you deserve to be happy and treated properly. And we just can’t allow ourselves to get our foot into any type of relationship like that again, because I can assure you, I know that I could never survive something like this again. Your feeling were real and genuine no matter what was at the root of them. Yes, we all have broken hearts and need to heal for sure. I appreciate your insight and the thoughts of everyone who has posted. I have also gained a lot of insight from NML’s book. Please keep us posted.

    My assclown dumped me on my rear, I walked away, then he sent me two texts, which were generic, saying nothing about wanting me back, missing me, loving me, etc., so I didn’t even bother to respond. He has made no attempt to talk to me for going on 4 months. Since that is my experience, and you experienced the EUM coming back, I was just wondering do you think it is harder on us if the EUM comes back and acts like he wants to salvage things, then we have to decide whether or not to maintain no contact? Or do you think it is harder if the EUM cuts off contact with us cold turkey, no explanation and never contacts us again? I was just wondering what you thought or if anyone else wants to comment. I think they are both equally terrible. Like I said, part of me wants him to make contact with me so I can regain “control” of the situation again, but I am not sure if I would be strong enough to resist his contacts. This is a classic case of “be careful what you pay for”, as it might come true.

    Also, I have to see him everyday. Can you or anyone else tell me how two people can “love each other” so much one day, then all of a sudden he just decides one day he is done, that is it? Like tonight, I saw him out again, sitting outside with his wife. He acts like nothing ever happened between us, like he is pretending I am dead. I am hurt beyond belief about this and don’t understand how he can sit there with his wife with no thought of me whatsoever. I don’t see how he could be human to be able to do that? Any thoughts? Hang in there.

  6. Miserable Love says:

    Aphrogirl,

    HAHAHAHA. That was supposed to read “be careful what you PRAY for”, not PAY for… HAHAHAHA! That is hilarious, and that would sure complicate things for sure – if we paid for the treatment the assclowns gave us. HAHA! Well, I guess I did in all reality. I have known mine for 6 years and as soon as we got together he started asking me to borrow money, which I eagerly gave him all my personal stash without question, so I guess in reality, I DID PAY! HAHA.

  7. Kori says:

    Miserable Love, I haven’t gotten the book. I am on about day 10 of NC and he won’t leave me alone. He has now resorted to writing to me via snail mail, professing his undying love for me and actually apologizing for the first time ever. And, he is not a writer either. Next thing, he will leave notes on my car at work, I know. All that, and he lives 80 miles away. This is just ridiculous, and I am really, really struggling with it all. Fortunately I am moving in a couple of weeks, so he won’t be able to find me at all.

    This has just been so tough, and I am hanging in there, but I know that I am trying not to keep dredging it all up again for myself because it is hard enough as it is. For once in my life, I can’t get rid of the feeling that we belong together, and I have never felt that way about anyone before…I always knew. But, despite that, I am keeping the NC rule. I just crave the day that I will finally feel free of that.

  8. Kori says:

    For those who haven’t read my whole story, I broke it off with him, for the record, because I got sick of him lavishing his “love” on me, but then chatting with girls on dating sites and myspace, and refusing to get into an “R” as he called it, with me.

  9. Miserable Love says:

    Kori,
    Well I recommend the book, it has helped me immensely. Has he done almost every kind of contact except try to see you face to face? Seems to me if he really wanted you, he would be “finding” you and sitting on your doorstep insisting to see you. Sounds like he doesn’t want to make the full effort. Try to let his decision to “write” you mislead you to think he is “stepping out” and doing something different. I am glad you are moving. That will help! I know this is hard. And I know what it feels like to have the feeling that you are meant to be together. I too keep feeling in my heart and soul that mine and my EUM’s lives aren’t through with each other yet, like it really isn’t over. If it is meant to be, it will be. Also, he will keep persisting. Mine has not persisted. Just be sure you are comfortable with all your decisions: what you have put up with, how you have been treated, how many times he has broke it off, of you have broke it off, or gone back to him with promises to change. You have to be comfortable in your mind that this is really over. If he was committed to you, he would have no desire to be chatting with other girls and doing things with them he wouldn’t do with you. Keep us posted.

  10. Kori says:

    I know, and that is why I have to keep up the NC. I even just deleted my email address, and set up a new one, so as to completely avoid him. If he REALLY wants to be with me, he will do ANYTHING in his power to be there, IN PERSON. And he hasn’t. He is too much of a coward, and I don’t need that You nailed it on the head by saying that he was trying to make it look like he was going the extra mile by “stepping out” and doing something different. He even said in his letter that he hadn’t written a letter to anyone in 20 years. Like that makes any difference to me, because he can’t have his actions match his “professions” so it doesn’t say anything to me. I don’t have any faith in that anyway.

    The reason I don’t want to read the book is because it already hurts beyond belief, and that will only dredge up more. I have been suffering and on the brink of suicide since December of last year, all over him. I just need to heal myself and get back to that happy place that I used to be in. Without his BS and lines.

  11. Miserable Love says:

    Kori,
    I totally understand! You are doing the right thing and taking the necessary steps. I waited for the one month mark and sledge hammered the go phone I carried just for “us”. I also had to change my e-mail notification setting because the sound reminded me of him. I can’t really change my e-mail because I use it for work, but he hasn’t even tried to contact me there or anywhere, so I haven’t had to worry about it. I agree if they really wanted to be with us, they would be with us tired,rain, shine, busy, etc. And they would do anything, as we have done many times, neglecting our responsibilities to accomodate seeing them. It makes me sick to know how much time I have wasted. Your EUM is just trying to make himself look like he is trying, all the while depleting every form of communication options, except for the most important one, seeing us in person. Because, hell, that actually takes a little effort!!!! the assholes. : } Yes, I must admit the book has helped me, but it has also hit home really hard on a few items. My situation doesn’t really fit into all the aspects of the book completely, but it has been good for the purposes of seeing that I am better off without him, but I sure the heck don’t need to feel any more stupid that I already do, I just don’t need that right now. I know you have been suffering and I can’t say that I actually imagined suicide, but I was on the brink of thinking about it to the point that it just hurt too much to breathe and I had “given up” on everything that meant anything to me and given up on myself. I lost my will to live for sure. I wouldn’t give the asshole the satisfaction. The best you can do is show him you are better off without him, and you will be stronger for it. I have had a lot more “peace” in my life since January when he “cut me off”. He was horrible and he had a different drama everyday and we could never resolve one issue before he threw out another issue. They had compounded since November, and I actually had to make a list of issues to talk to him about, but he would never “see me” in person to talk about those things, he always had excuses. I have heard it all from him, some lies I just laughed they were so BAD. He hadn’t seen me for two weeks before Christmas and I was out running errands Christmas Eve afternoon and he texted me and I asked him to “run errands” and meet me for just a second so I could see him and he had a million excuses. Coming from him about the wife he said he couldn’t stand, he actually told me he couldn’t come because he was helping her “bake Christmas cookies”. I was so devastated and pissed. I never turned down a chance to see him, not once. You just need to focus on healing yourself. No man is worth what you are going through and we both need to find ourselves again. Take some time to yourself, do something relaxing and that you enjoy. God, I have found it hard to even smile at times, because my thoughts always went back to him. It will take time, lots of it. But, you will be better for it. WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

    By the way, all he did was ever take take take. Looking back, the couple times we met at some hole in the wall diner for breakfast, he said he didn’t have any money, I always had to pay. He never bought me ANYTHING! Never a card, nor ever wrote a note, nothing to remember him by, nothing. He never bought me anything/food/etc. The stories I could tell you. When I went on vacation, I wrote him a note for every day I would be gone. I got nothing. I gave him a card on his birthday and a momento of something only we would know what it meant. I paid for his food, brought him food, stopped and got his favorite drinks, etc. I got squat. He didn’t want to invest anything in me, just wanted me to pay his way, and lend him money. I turned into a school girl with no brains. What the hell was wrong with me??? But oh my, he was the sexiest man I have ever met, he was strong, pushy, took what he wanted when he wanted, and it was refreshing, something I haven’t had in a long time. I still want him!! But even though I want him, I know he is a terrible person, and I can’t give him my soul, my pride, and my self-esteem, I just won’t do it.

  12. Kori says:

    Thats what sucks. He really was the most amazing man, and he didn’t ignore me or anything, he just wouldn’t commit, and wouldn’t stop chatting with other girls, and even going on a couple dates (one which he actually admitted to me before he went) and all that stuff. But he would text me all the time, and we would have the most fun and most amazing time sending pics and messages to each other.

    I spent every holiday with him since September of last year, except for New Years….around the time I had broken it off with him in December, he started seeing the girl before me, and he was with her that night and the next two days. Funny I didn’t even know about her until she emailed me two weeks later and said “I just wanted to let you know I am out of the picture now.” That set the whole thing off again. I know his entire family, I am VERY close with his kids, I even had pictures of his ex-wife and me together (I deleted any pics even remotely related to him now).

    He had given me flowers, and thoughtful gifts, even a free washer and dryer from a client of his, and a tv that he got at a yard sale for a really good deal.

    This guy was so incredibly involved in my life, telling me he loved me (only said it out loud once, and I didn’t think I heard him right so I pretended I was asleep). That happens to be the last weekend he would have sex with me…funny…

    It breaks my heart because I miss EVERYTHING we did, and I can’t even begin doing what I love to do, because it reminds me of him. We made grocery store trips fun with goofy traditions – it is even hard to get groceries now.

    This freaking sucks. And I have never had to break it off with someone I was in love with before. I truly still feel like I am at square one, and that I haven’t even budged yet. I thought FOR SURE it would start to get easier, but after 2 months of not seeing him, it is not even ONE bit easier. And I am a survivor. But this one defies the odds.

    I am at a loss and I need SO BAD to feel better. And I am not doing a good job of it.

  13. Miserable Love says:

    kori,

    wow! I can see where he was a much nicer man than my asshole. I can also see why you are having a hard time! It sounds like he wasn’t a mean asshole, but just wasn’t ready to commit. But that is still a problem. However, it sounds like he didn’t ignore you and spent quality time with you, etc. It sounds like he treated you pretty well, gifts, etc. It is unfortunate that he brought you into his family and with his children before he was sure you were a potential life partner, that just makes it difficult for everyone. He was in almost every aspect of your life, even the grocery store. I understand. My EUM would ride bikes with me and our kids to school some days, and I can’t even be up at the school without thinking of him and worrying if I will run into him. I have since rode with my kids alone and passed him with his kids, not saying a word. It was so hard for me. It wasn’t easier after 2 months for me either. I was a mess. After the first month, it becomes clear that they can live without us, after the 2nd month, it is more a less a panic phase and realization that our dreams with these assclowns are destroyed. You are a survivor and YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB! It just doesn’t feel like it. If nothing else, he will respect you for standing up for yourself. I wish I hadn’t have been robbed of that myself. You need to stay busy and force yourself to focus. I still miss my EUM so much, even after just having found out by looking at a free court records website that he has been married more times than he told me. He had another wife prior the one he has now, which he failed to tell me about. So, he is on his third wife that I know of, maybe more. And numerous small claims court judgements for debt that he didn’t pay back. He is pathetic, but I still miss him. : { I will always miss him and love him. He will be my forever. But we just have to accept it and that it is gone and move on and cherish the memories we had, and always love them forever. We are better people than they will ever be. They are the ones who toyed with our lives, hearts, and minds. If he wants to play the field and not commit, and you do, and he doesn’t know by now if you are the love of his life, it is time to move on. You will find someone better who wants you.

  14. Kori says:

    Miserable Love – you really do deserve more. You really do. I know I don’t have to say the obvious, and I am not judging you, but I can’t imagine the sharing part, and all the lies he had to tell you.

    I know I didn’t have that. I just had a lot of secrets that he had from me, yet an even bigger abundance of expressions of feelings from him. He just kept not committing, yet getting upset when he THOUGHT I was dating someone. He never got possessive, he just seemed to live life by a double standard. I am not forgetting the bad, I just know FOR SURE that I can’t go back to that. And he doesn’t think I’m serious, I know.

    I think he really does love me. But what he doesn’t understand is that love isn’t enough. If he wants ANYTHING to do with me, he needs to do what I NEED too. That is what makes it so hard. We shared SO MUCH in EVERY aspect of life together, we called everything our “adventures.” But I can’t, JUST CAN’T go back to “sharing” him. And if he can’t respect that, I can do nothing about it but stay as far away as possible.

    The hardest part is seeing stupid commercials on tv, or hearing a word, or driving past a building, or…yeah…even going to the grocery store, that send me spinning into a crying fit. Because that is how much he infiltrated my life. And I miss him so terribly, because I can’t go anywhere without seeing a car like his, or hearing somebody’s name that is the same. Or seeing a stupid commercial for a metal detector – THAT is wierd, and downright torture, because we always went detecting together.

    I can’t even see a gravestone without crying, because we both love cemetaries – the older the better. Or an old farm that we got special permission to explore. Or the mountains that are all around me that we spent hours and hours and hours exploring. Or take a picture, which sucks, because photography is a HUGE hobby of both of ours. I can’t even listen to music anymore, because we are both CRAZY about music. I can’t even go on Youtube anymore because him and I spent SO MUCH TIME on Youtube together.

    This just SUCKS. And, I guess I am venting. I don’t know what to do when I love someone so much, but they would not commit. And, he has always put in that little “dig” to lure me back every time I tried to leave. And he still is. And he has lied to me. And he has drug me back in more times than I care to say. And all the games and guilt trips. It is just not a good time right now for me, and I just NEED to get back to good.

    Yes, I am down, VERY down, but at least I know what I need to do. I just need to somehow get back to my former, goofy, happy self again. And so far, no dice.

    I hope if ANYTHING, someone can be helped by my experience. Because even the perfect man for you can do this to you. And I don’t want ANYONE to go through what I went through, and am still going through. I honestly am at a point where I don’t think I can ever fully give myself to someone again. I hope I am wrong, but only time will tell.

  15. Kori says:

    Just please, PLEASE hang in there. It wasn’t meant to be for you, and you sound like a really nice person. Keep yourself busy, because love happens when you LEAST expect it.

  16. Eliz says:

    Kori,

    Your story is my story. The nicest man just wouldn’t commit … really there are no words to describe how this feels. And surely many of us here has been there.

    I think the ‘nice kind’ of EUM really is the worst kind, as they give you so much hope … and those few words that reel you in until you’re so tired of it all, your heart just can’t do it anymore.

    I suppose we just have to kep plodding on … it just going to take a lot tof time and effort to find ourselves again.

    All the best x

  17. Devasted says:

    Kori, Eliz
    Your story is mine as well. This makes it so hard because all the good times and gifts and lovey texts….he was never mean to me, he just didn’t want a girlfriend. He has his harem of women that he calls friends, and had the balls to tell me I was number 1?? Who says that? As I told miserable love, I finally came to a place in my head that says time to move on. There are plenty of men out there that are great guys that do want to commit. The thing that I always thought about after we broke up, but he wanted to continue being friends was, will he ever change? Will he always need his haram and attention from other women. The answer is yes. He will. I have to feel the hurt and know it was caused by him. I hate him for hurting me this way so why should I stay a part of his life. Good luck to all. I will keep you posted on my NC which just started yesterday!

  18. Eliz says:

    Devastated,

    I’m so sorry for your hurting. These situations are really the worst case scenarios, I must say I have never been through anything quite like it in my life. Break-ups are difficult as it is what with having to cope with the fallout of being with an EUM. The push and pull of the nice times, wanting them back … it’s really so painful. For example, we went on holiday in northern France in July last year (one of my best holidays ever) and I am dreading July this year for precisely this reason. I worry the wonderful memories will come flooding back ..

    I suppose in a way my EUM was/is a bit peculiar, perhaps he has his harem but he didn’t seem too inclined that way. I never noticed anything at all, he seemed very faithful. If he was playing away behind my back he must have been extremely discreet. Overall, he was/is an absolutely wonderful chap, but for the life of him, he cannot commit. His mother rejected emotionally him after his father’s death when he was quite young, and soon enough a new man was on the scene. Personally I do believe this was what messed him up, probably for all time. For me it’s important to know the emotional origin (or what would seem to be the origin) of his seemingly erratic behavior. It makes me feel better as it is so easy to blame onself. He has however apologised for the hurt he caused me and stated it was not my fault. But then of course, the pain is still there anyway.

    Well, I have let him go now and he (surprise, surprise) still wants a foot in the door. I won’t let him because that just means that I will never, ever heal. As much as I love him I can’t do that to myself, to be him friend will be so false and as much as he wants to, it simply will not happen. If I take the lack of commitment and fear of continuous closeness (he wanted to live alone) hands down he’s the best and kindest man I have ever had a relationship with, spoliing me all the time. BUT as it won’t happen I will just have to live with it, and I am not even thinking of starting up something new. I will give myself lots of time to heal and take proper care of my feelings.

    I wish everyone here loads of strength and courage to move on and find happier times.

    All the Best x

  19. Miserable Love says:

    Kori,
    I know that you are suffering. And, I don’t know how long you have been with this EUM, but it sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. Classic case. If he is sharing all these things with you, then committing only to you to be faithful to you should not be a problem for him. The double standard is unacceptable. You have a plan and know what you need to do, stay the course. It is time for you. I don’t think I will be able to trust my own judgement ever again, I am second guessing even basic decisions for fear of being taken advantage of or used again.

  20. Miserable Love says:

    Eliz,
    I think you are right, the “nice” EUM would be much hard to walk away from. Sounds like you have come to realize your situation and know what you need to do. Hang in there. They can’t keep a foot in the door, a clean break is the only way to healing.

    Devastated,
    Telling you you are Number 1 is an insult to your face. You cannot tolerate that lack of care. You have more pride and self worth than that. He is a jerk!

  21. Kori says:

    I guess the worst part is that he has completely destroyed EVERYTHING that is me. Photography, the mountains, old buildings, cemetaries, hiking, all that “old stuff” that we both love so much…the same music (we are both HUGE lovers of music), kids, certain restaurants…and SO MUCH MORE. He has completely destroyed ALL those things that I love SO MUCH and that MAKE ME who I am…I can’t even take a drive in the country anymore, without thinking of him. Now, I am left with nothing, and having to leave all those things behind that make me, ME.

    That is the hardest part of all this. Having to start all over again, as if I were just born. Trying to find new things to be interested in, that I already know I am not interested in. All because of this one man that I will love til the day I die.

    I have felt that helplessness before, that sense of loss, that “need” for someone, so deep I thought it would never go away. But I always knew in the back of my head it was a new chapter, and that I would get through it. This time, I can’t feel that, I can’t see it, I can’t sense it.

    I know he will get in contact with me again. And I am honestly very afraid, because I will end up in the hospital, unable to cope with life in general when he does. I know that sounds extreme, but that is how bad this guy has infiltrated my life, and I am a very sane person, but this is SO MUCH bigger than me. And I have never felt so utterly hopeless, and it JUST WON’T GO AWAY.

  22. had humor without joy says:

    Kori,

    There were a lot of things I thought i had in common with my EUM. But you know what–there are a million other people who also like photography, mountains, kids, hiking, cemetaries, etc. So it’s helpful to look at things like that–there are other people, other men who like the same things you like. Otherwise why would there be so many cameras for god’s sake or music downloads. I think the thing with EUM’s is part of their game is to make you feel like no one understand you like they do–no one has as much in common, etc. But that’s BS–I mean the restaurants you went to together–don’t other people eat there also? I don’t think you need to find new things to be interested in–you just need to get back to why these things are important to you–how they make you happy–not because of the EUM, but perhaps in spite of him.
    BTW, I also think of my xEUM at times–but I like to have intellectual conversations and have silly banter in e-mails before him. And there are times when I find something that I think, damn, I’d like to share this with him–then I think of all the lies he told and then I think he might have just acted like he liked this for me. So whatever we did share is a) not really clear because of his lies and b) something I still share with friends, family and hopefully, a EAM when that time is right.
    It’s important not to throw the baby out with the bathwater or confuse the baby with the bathwater, so to speak.

  23. Miserable Love says:

    Help! I have been having a really hard time the last couple days. We have been out doing a bunch of yard work, putting up our pool for the summer, etc, bringing in grass, flowers, etc. and I have caught the assclown “watching” me. He either watches me out the side of his eyes or even has been “looking” at me full on! Of course, I am not looking at him, I just see him out of my side view or act like I am turning my head to look at something else so he doesn’t see me “staring” at him. It just kills me. He is expressionless and I have no idea what he is thinking. I want to think he is missing me. Part of the problem is that I have to go out of my way to get into his view, as he doesn’t leave his chair in the garage, such as going to the edge of my yard, my mailbox, walk across the street to my neighbors house, etc. He never strains to look at me. I am having a hard time breaking the habit of “making myself out there”. I just wish I knew what he was thinking, but since he hasn’t contacted me in 4 months, I guess he probably isn’t even thinking about me. Part of me holds hope inside that he feels something when he sees me. I will never know. I have really stopped “making myself out there” as much, but have a hard time not peeking over the neighbors car to see if his legs are hanging out his garage to know if he is out there. Like I said he is a weirdo, he doesn’t work, and he sits in his garage 24/7 pretty much. If he is out, I tend to “do extra things to get him to notice me” like water the flowers, walk across the street, play with the kids, look at my grass, etc. It gives me comfort to see him sitting out there, but I feel pathetic. I am not getting any results from him, no contact, nothing, so I am tired of doing it and tired of being his eye candy, because that is all that I feel I am. He is probably getting his willies just watching me, knowing that he treated me like crap!!!!! I feel so weak! Part of me wants to stay completely out of his sight as much as possible, part of me wants him to see me and see how happy I am and how good things are going for me, but I feel he probably doesn’t really care. What should I do???? What would get “results” from him: staying out of his line of sight, not letting him see me, or see me happy and doing my own thing, as long as it doesn’t look obvious that I am trying to get him to notice me? Like I said before, I am afraid out of sight is out of mind for him, and that in sight should be in mind, but since he is a selfish asshole, I don’t think anything I am doing is helping improve the situation, and I am frustrated that when he sees me, he doesn’t miss me. Any suggestions?

  24. Miserable Love says:

    Kori,
    I felt the same way. My assclown and I didn’t do that much together, because he wouldn’t see me, but did infiltrate certain places, etc. He literally destroyed ME. There are many farms, cemeteries, restaurants, etc. that I would avoid if at all possible, but I would find new farms, cemeteries, restaurants, etc. My EUM and I spent some time at a park and I sometimes go back there just to sit on the same bench we did and think. I feel close to him there and find myself smiling at our memories. You will get there. I have had a lot of tragedies in my life, but the sense of loss I have felt over this man. I can’t even begin to explain the loss, like your soul is shattered.

    I have felt exactly the same, hopelessness, that the grief is so much bigger than me, that the pain will never go away. Well the pain still has not gone away, but I am slowly regaining the hope. Without hope, we can’t live. I am fighting the grief on a daily basis. And I am proud of myself for how I have handled my end of the relationship and how far I have come, and so will you be. Hadhumorwithoutjoy was right. Don’t LET this creep take away your JOY. If you like mexican food, keep eating at a mexican restaurant. Keep taking pictures. Keep hiking. Be thankful for the time you had together and the memories and even smile about the reminders, but move on and make more memories with someone who deserves you. Don’t give the asshold the POWER to steal what you have left.

  25. Andra says:

    God it feels so good to see that there are so many women going through the same thing…and this article has really opened my eyes.I started NC 2 weeks ago…well he started it by finally leting me know his decision( he kept me wondering for the past 4 months and a half after we broke up in December…because he just didn`t know if we should get back together or not, he wasn`t sure..he was too scared that things wouldn`t go well bla bla).I forget to mention that we had been together for almost 2 years before he broke up with me in december(right before Christmas…greaft holiday gift).So for the past 4-5 months we`ve been in the middle…or I don`t even know how to call it cause i still can`t believe that the man..better say boy I loved for 2 years acted like that, and all of the sudden we starts acting weird and in week…bam…he makes his decision…and starts telling me that what he want is not the same with what I want and it`s over and all those stuff….And I`m left broken again and wondering what the hell happend…plus ashamed and feeling stupid that I waited for him all this time and was patient and tried to understand how he felt…God…and after reading this and all your comments..I really feel better ….even though is hard not talking to him at all after all this time…And I still think at him and love him..and a part of me still wants him back.And the worst part is that he wasn`t all the time a jacka**…and we have great memories …and he was my first love..But I just gotta open my eyes and know that I`m not alone and that others have experienced the same and you`ve showed me that better thing will happen to me…If I`m brave enough to let go.After all I`m just 18 years old…and maybe it sounds stupid but i really loved him…but I guess that wasn`t enough.Anyway I’m glad to see all these powerful women who got rid of the bad in their lifes…and I hope to become one too :)

    Sometimes is just better to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve

  26. kimba says:

    Miserable love…URGH! I was dumped by the disappearing act…four months ago…and I have no way of seeing him – which is awful. No closure. No contact. My imagination runninng wild of what he is doing, what he was thinking when he was with me…is he laughing about me…or whatever. The same thoughts and feelings you have but it is not in front of me every day. You are constantly reminded of your ‘situation’ because it is ‘in your face’. I do not know what is worse…but closure is important. I have to finalize closure in my own head…and that is what you will have to do too. My advice to you is to get the hec out of the house…change your routine…fill your life with new things…work on your life and eventually you will feel better…but unfortunately, I really do not think it will ever truly go away.

    I love this site…but wish there was a way to send personal messages to each other…

  27. Andra says:

    Kori and Eliz,
    Even though our stories are different, you are right…the nicer the guy is, the harder you are able to let go…Because all those memories, proves of love and messages and all those times spent together make it so hard to move on ….And I often wonder where did that man go?what happened with him?Was it all in my head?And I can`t stop thinking about it..the man that I loved for 2 years …and that loved me back…and all of the sudden decided he didn`t love me anymore…wow it sounds so pathetic now that I`m writing it…

    Just wanted to tell you….to all of you..you are really strong :)

  28. Miserable Love says:

    kimba,

    Yes, I just don’t and probably never will understand how a guy can just “stop talking” to you, no reason, no remorse, no care for your feelings. It is the worse feeling, I would rather he just said, Hey, I don’t love you anymore (since yesterday!), or something, it would be easier to move on. A couple of us have started emailing each other directly on a daily basis, so if you are interested, let me know and we can determine the best way to share our email. Some just post it on here, but it is your decision.
    Anyway, I would much rather not have to see him at all, I could deal with it a lot better, especially since he started cavorting with the woman across the street within a week of not talking to me anymore. I am devastated. It has been 4 months for me too. He was my everything. He loved me the day before. He didn’t treat me well, and I think when I stood up for myself and told him his treatment of me was unacceptable, he didn’t like it. He wants a woman who is mute, has no brain, no thoughts, no opinion, and lets him do all the talking. That is NOT ME. : } Sorry asshole!!! There is no person more a coward than one who is in a relationship with you and cuts you off with nothing. Every time he got upset about things, he cut me off a few days here or there, then came the last fight, he cut me off. I even texted him and said, Hey if you want me to leave you alone and stop texting you, just feel free to TELL me, that is the very least you can do as a courtesy to me. NOTHING! So when I went down to talk to him so he could just lay it out to my face, he said he had too much “shit” going on to worry about me…. I turned around and walked off and that was the last we have spoken face to face. I was absolutely devastated, my soul was destroyed. Long story. Be glad you don’t have to see him every day or with another woman all the time. It is a daily struggle for me. We ALL have to remain strong.

  29. Miserable Love says:

    Kimba,
    Oh I forgot to add that the married assclown pursued me for 4 years, which I guess wasn’t enough time for him to figure out that he really wanted me, then after trying to ruin my life, and my marriage, and my family, he decides to just “cut me off” with no explanation. That is just excellent! : {{{{

  30. kimba says:

    Miserable Love…We have a great deal in common except I am not and my assclown was not married…send me your email address if you are comfortable with it…I have some insight for you…

  31. Miserable Love says:

    kimba,
    Is there another site you have access to that I can contact you through that instead of posting my email address here? I would love to get in contact with you as, just didn’t really want to post my email address here. ????

    • NML says:

      Hi, if you want me to get in touch with kimba, I can arrange for you to exchange addresses if you are both in agreement?

      • NML says:

        Ladies, if you are struggling with no contact or understanding if he’ll get in touch with you, consider attending the No Contact Rule web seminar.

  32. Miserable Love says:

    NML,
    Yes, I would appreciate the arrangement to exchange addresses with Kimba. I believe she will approve as well. Thank to you!

  33. Janet says:

    My ex from 2 years ago would contact me in 2-3 month intervals. Usually around the Holidays.

    We reconciled several times after the big break up in 2007. He would call, profess to change, I’d believe it, we go back to dating and within a few weeks – SOS.

    At one point – he had called me very upset – crying that he wanted to reconcile and that the reasons we couldn’t be together he would fix. It was always something. I was going to give notice at my place and leave. But before I left my rent controlled apartment I called him. He’d been mysteriously absent for 2 days. I knew something was up. He realized I’m sure that he wasn’t sincere about getting married and he was only saying that to continue the weekend sex.

    When I called him, the news was what I expected. We can’t get married now. I was livid. I felt like the top of my head was going to blow off! I pulled over on the side of the road and let him have it. It was more for me than him. That phone call and the seething anger behind it drained me for weeks. I was really depressed, sad big time.

    He tried two more times to contact me a few months later. Everytime I saw his number on my caller ID I would get upset and remember all the tacky things I allowed him to do to me. I changed my number. Now he can’t contact me and he wouldn’t have the cahones to come to my house. He’d never do that. That alone allowed me to have closure.

    In the last 2 years I’ve had 2 boyfriends that didn’t last long. Once we started dating the “real” them have surfaced and I dumped them. I told them I was breaking it off with him. One has tried to contact me via Twitter and I blocked him. I have no desire to talk to him.

    Fast forward to 2009. 99% of the time I’m a pretty happy person, but every once in a while I have a mini-meltdown (in the privacy of my place) but I quickly get past it.

    I know I deserve a good man and I’m totally OK with my life, 99% of the time. I live my life as well and full as I can. I’m socially active, and have lots of hobbies and a few good friends.

    Once I handed the steering wheel over to God, I feel much better.

  34. valentine says:

    This is a fact : men will only do as much as we(women) allow them to do to us…
    That had been said; The NC rule is not good enough, we need to be able to look the assclown in their eyes and say NO!!!! because we are all better than that. If he has an ego i can have a bigger ego. We need to value ourselves and start having a little bit of pride here… Why not be polite and be able to say: Do you know something?*us* was a big mistake..

    I work with my EUM so no contact is not a possibility. He left me for a girl who also work with us, so i went through all the stages of their relationship, the sparkles in the air, that i could just see on her face every day.Just like me, she fell right in love with him. But he never stopped trying to sleep with me, so i had nothing to do but smile at him and say,NO!!!! And now nine months later he coming really strong at me and I still love him( slow!! i know.. we work together).

    It takes a huge amount of strength to be able to say no to the man that you long so much to be with, but at the end you will be proud of yourself, to know that if he didn’t want you, at least he will respect you.

  35. devastated says:

    valentine
    I too work with my a**clown. I do still love him and it is so hard to see him everyday. Each morning I wake up and say today is the day I will take control. Then I see him and I fall apart. I need to do this! I cannot stand this feeling anymore! How long did it take you to get to the point you are at?

  36. Miserable Love says:

    Valentine,

    WOW! You are so strong! I don’t work with my AC, he is my neighbor and after cutting me off and “disappearing”, he immediately took up with the neighbor lady across the street. I don’t know how you made it through having to watch them at work together, because it is killer for me to have to see them cavorting in front of my eyes. You are exactly right, we need to exhibit PRIDE. And if it kills us, if we have to FAKE it, if we have to hold our head high behind a pair of dark sunglasses so they can’t see the tears in our eyes, WE HAVE TO DO IT – for US. That is the only way at the end of the day we will be able to maintain our pride and dignity. I have had a very hard time with that, but I will never let them see me gawking, looking, and I will act like I am living my own life unconcerned about their relationship.

    Please share more about how you have dealt with this. I know Devastated can relate to your story and we would all benefit from knowing how you handled your situation and acted when having to see your AC with another woman…

    That is one thing I wish I had – the opportunity to prove my strength to my AC. I wish he would contact me and try to make amends, at the very least say he is sorry, then I could show my strength and have the upper hand that he took away from me when he decided to “cut me” off with no explanation.

  37. Gayle says:

    Miserable Love,

    I think you need to ask yourself why it is so important to prove your strength to this man, you need to be making the effort for yourself and your family. I believe it’s been five months since the breakup-out of a seven month relationship-and it seems you are really struggling and prolonging a move on to a better place (I know we all heal differently). I would recommend you go back and read NML’s three part series on validation and see if this may give you clearer insight.

    I believe I asked in an earlier post if you had sought out any professional counseling to try to move on from this situation?

  38. Miserable Love says:

    Gayle,
    I am actually doing a lot better and I am not prolonging movement to a better place. I am day by day getting back to a better place for ME and things are going well with my family. They are two separate issues. And thanks, I have read and continue to re-read the series on validation.

    For me, it is important to prove my strength and have the ability to make my own decisions, because that is the type of person I was before Assclown took away these things. I was left feeling violated as a human being. Much more to the story than what has been posted. He “decided” for me, my future, and my life, what was going to “be”. If you have ever been kicked to the curb, you will know what I am talking about. He is a coward and took the easy road out by “disappearing”, but in the end, even though he texted me two additional times and I did not respond, I am the one feeling rejected. Everyone wants to feel valued and important. When something like this happens and from someone you truly love, it rocks your world, every fiber of your being. You look at what happened and think how can I be reduced to this by someone?? How could I have let him do that to me?? If he contacted me, at least I would have the control back. Now, I don’t think that is ever going to happen, I don’t think he will contact me. So the only thing I can do is what i have been doing, hold my head high, focus on my family, etc. You just can’t help but wonder what he thinks when he stares because it makes me feel dreadful again, like he is sitting there thinking “haha, I tossed her ass to the curb.” I just wish things had ended differently. I really wish I wasn’t left the one feeling unworthy and rejected. I think it would have been 100 times easier if I had dumped him, and I would not have dumped him the way he did me, I am not that type of cruel person. Every day I am working on building back up who I am, my self-esteem, my worthiness, etc.

  39. Miserable Love says:

    Gayle,
    How long have you been recovering from your EUM relationship?? Were you the dumpee or the dumped? Where can I read your story??

  40. Gayle says:

    Miserable Love,

    Yes. It does do a lot to our self esteem. I also had my heart broken by not only a ‘good friend’ but also my first love. The thing that concerns me is your need to prove anything to this individual-have read many of your posts and know what a loser he is-I think the proof has to be for yourself, and only yourself. By needing to validate ourselves to these men is only prolonging our recovery and allowing them to be in control. I think you need to recognize your participation in this, he didn’t decide what your future and life were going to be, you did. I believe when we recognize our part in this nonsense it helps us move on.

    it’s not important that this man is staring at you, please just ignore it and let it go.

    You can’t change the past and all that has happened with this man, all you can do is learn and move on from this experience. It’s up to you to take your life back, not him.

  41. Gayle says:

    Miserable Love,

    Happily I can say I have fully recovered from that stupid ass:) I guess it’s been about a year.

    Initially he broke it off b/c he couldn’t incorporate me into his family (ex-wife and adult kids)-I look back at it now and can laugh at how ridiculous the whole thing was. When he returned several months later to be ‘friends’ it became even more difficult. I was now priority #2793 and was squeezed in for a monthly get-together (no sex). I was still in love with man and he kept telling me he loved me and that we were working towards a relationship-many excuses why he couldn’t commit yet. I got fed up after a couple of months and ended it. He made contact once by e-mail for which I did not respond, I haven’t looked back since.

    These men are toxic, it’s good to now that I now have the knowledge -through the site-to steer clear of them.

  42. Janet says:

    Gayle: My situation was a lot like yours that you described. I used to tell my ex that I was 8th on the list, below the family dog. He laughed and said it wasn’t true but I know it was. I realize now that I was only weekend sex to him.

    This blog is a godsend. I love it. I can’t remember now how I found this blog but I guess it doesn’t matter. After reading the many posts on this message board it’s comforting to know there are others who were in my same situation.

    Going forward I don’t leap into anything anymore, friends or lovers. I take my time to get to know someone and see if they’re really into me or just using me as the flavor of the month club.

  43. Gayle says:

    Janet,

    I hear you, Sister!!!!

    Did he have an unusual involvement with the ex as well?

  44. Janet says:

    Gayle: when we first started dating, they would have breakfast 2 or 3x’s a week (he paid of course) as she was perpetually poor. They had been divorced 3 years when I met him. All of her utility bills were in his name and the lease to her apartment. He also gave her 3K down to buy a new car. Even on a 4th of July celebration he invited her. She stayed the entire day and cast a pall on the party. I still to this day think they were still boinking each other while we were dating. (and yes I did have an STD test after we broke up).

    Another woman in his harem (an ex g/f) he loaned her 6K to get out of jail. Now mind you he couldn’t afford to buy me a ring and marry me but he had the money to pay her bail.

    Another neighbor (he called a friend) was overly chummy to him. She would come over during the day and they’d hang out and have a beer. One day I came by on a Sunday morning. For some reason he asked me to call before I came over. Very unusual. Well I did. When I got there (the neighbor) was sitting on the back of his truck with a S*** eating grin on her face as if to say I just boinked your b/f and you can’t do nothing about it as you can’t prove it. That particular neighbor tried to contact me for a long time after we broke up. I finally had to block her email address as she kept sending me emails.

    I remember the next day I kept crying. My body was trying to tell me something. I just know that they had just had sex before I came over. He was sheepish and skittish with me the entire day.

    He was a short bald man who was very insecure. Now that I look back on it, I can’t understand what I saw in him. He was a mama’s boy as well. He had a very sick twisted relationship with mom. Once I realized how whacked that whole situation was I got out.

    Gayle – for me the only answer is to not have sex with a man in the initial stages of dating for a long time. I’m prepared to wait until marriage if I have to. Sex changes everything. Had I not slept with him so soon in the game, I would have dumped him a lot sooner.

    If that means I have to celibate and keep dates sex-free for a while, so be it.

  45. Gayle says:

    Janet,

    I am so with you on the sex part!

    I’m so sorry for this entire nightmare. How horrible!!

    The funny thing is is that mine was nothing to look at either. Another repeating theme:multiple ex involvement, questionable relationships with other women,lies, excuses and low self-esteem (their side). They are dangerous, pathetic creatures!!!

    Did he pursue when you left??

  46. truthhurts says:

    Miserable love, you wrote: I think it would have been 100 times easier if I had dumped him.

    It´s not about who tries to contact who, or who sent the last text.
    I dumped my EUM because he nearly drove me insane but it doesnt make me feel less rejected.

    Because if I am truly honest with myself I know deep down that I love him more than he loves me. Simple truth. I can conjure up all kinds of theories about him not being able, neing narcisstic etc. And that may all be true but it doesnt change the fact that I still love him more than he loves me.

    I think deep down we all know that here. We have to admit defeat.

  47. aphrogirl says:

    aww, I dunno bout the L-word truthhurts

    I still question the use of the word “love”. I think we “want” them to be in a solid relationship lots more than they want to be in one with us. The want is pretty powerful. I think it hurts a lot to realize they can’t or won’t come through for us and ley us know this in all manner of assclowny ways.

    And want can be good, and is something needed by both parties when in love with each other.

    But I still think the illogical desire for silly, short, bald, weasly whinin sacks o stuff that treat us disrespectfully might just maybe might be something other than love.

  48. truthhurts says:

    I think you are right aphrogirl, want is a better word for it than love.

    Who knows what you feel when you are checking your phone every second, when you feel sick to the stomach when he is out on the town and you know he is eyeing other women. Or when you feel rejected and worthless when he again hasn´t called when he said he would. Who can distinguish love in this whirlwind of emotions? But it sure is a lot of wanting.

  49. Janet says:

    Gayle:

    I dumped him 3 months after we started dating but like an idiot I let this train wreck last almost 2 years!. We broke up over the same issue 8x’s.

    The reason I broke it off with him was that his Mom and Dad lived with him. Not because they were poor, but my X wanted them there. When he asked me to marry him the first time, I said where is Mom and Dad going to live? He said here.

    I said I don’t think so. 2nd marriages are hard enough without having an entire entourage in the house! He said Mom and Dad are with me until they die. I said OK, our relationship is dead, bye bye.

    Then a few weeks later he’d get horny and lonely, lie and tell me they’re getting their own place and then when it came down to it, his lies came through. Mom and Dad ain’t going anywhere. You and I are going to see each other on the weekends and you’d better be happy with that.

    The ex-wife, the mom and dad, the son, the ex g/fs would call all the time. He would take their phone calls while he was with me, whether we were having dinner or out on a date.

    This breakup, get back together went on and on for 2 flipping years. I’ve not seen him for over a year. Last Jan 2008 he called me and wanted to have dinner. When I heard the message I wanted to hurl.

    My friend told me straight – you can either answer the call and tell him to stop calling and that you’ll issue a restraining order OR change your number and just give the number to close family members and friends.

    That’s what I did. In fact my cell phone provider usually charges $15 to do this but due to my story the young CS rep nicely did it for me for free.

    This was the first time I’d ever dated a man with a minor child (the kid really liked me, we got along well), an overly intrusive ex and Mommy and Daddy living with him.

    Gail – I will NEVER put myself through that again. I’ll die alone first. When I dated him I had HORRIBLE hot flashes all the time. I would cry out of the blue. I would snap at people for no reason. It was my way of taking out the anger at him on other people.

    A few months ago I was on a job site and I saw his car with his surfboard on it. I thought ruh roh, not even interested in bumping into him. I took my lunch break early to avoid him, close call.

    Not only have I ixnayed him out of my life, but I’ve had to ixnay 2 one-way female friendships I’ve had. I had had a lightbulb moment before I found this blog. No wonder I’ve dated so many EU men. I have almost nothing but EU friends who take take take and never give. Enough!

    Now it’s all about me. I’m fabulous dammit and I want people to please ME for a change.

  50. Gayle says:

    Janet,

    Yes! You are fabulous!!!!

    I have to say I had to laugh at the lunacy of the parents living within him until their demise. Oh Lord!!!! I think that my ex’s son has now moved in with him-another excuse that he wouldn’t be able to date seriously- something he said would not last long. Ridiculous!!! I wonder if they truly believe this nonsense???

    I’m with you, I would rather be alone the rest of my life before getting with another man like this. What did he say about the involvement with the ex? Did you ask why he didn’t go back with her?

    I have also made changes in other area of my life. I don’t tolerate bad behavior any longer, it’s not worth the aggravation.

    I forgot to add earlier that they have no character, honor or integrity!

  51. Janet says:

    Gayle – I’m glad I made you laugh. We’re all fabulous.

    Your ex said having his son live there was an excuse. I don’t know if they believe it or not. I think it’s merely an excuse they make up to keep us at bay.

    My X told me what he thought I wanted to hear (we’re getting married) in order to get what he wanted (regular nooky).

    He said the reason he got divorced is that he never loved her and the only reason he married her was because of their son. He didn’t marry the mom until the son was 5. What a gentleman eh?

    When he told me he dated her for 10 years before they got married that should have been sign #1. The first wife dumped him because he treated her like crap and she dumped him. He came home one day from work and her half of the furniture was gone. From that day on she only spoke to him through her attorney’s. She was done. I applaud the woman. She got sick of the situation and moved on.

    Between me and the 2nd wife he had had 2 g/f’s (in his own words) that were great women and that he screwed up and lost them.

    Once again, I love this blog. The owner of this blog is a no-nonsense woman who has some powerful messages. I have to lot to learn from the posts here and will continue to read them and learn.

  52. Gayle says:

    Janet,

    Believe me, it was laughter in disbelief.

    Yes. That’s what I meant about the son. I mean how could he possibly have a committed relationship with his son living under the same roof??? LOL!!!!!

    He actually admitted he only told you that he loved you only for sex? What is wrong with these people?? This guy sounds like a sociopath!!!

    So, he recognizes he treats women like crap and is responsible for the demise of the relationship? What does he say he is looking for with a woman, only sex?

  53. Janet says:

    Gail – no he never told me he was only in it for sex – always told me he loved me – but I know that was bulls***. I do think he loved me just not enough to marry me and make a life with me.

    It was more important to make his ex-wife and mom happy than to build a life with me. So that tells me how important I was – which was pretty low on the totem pole.

    That is why after that debacle I decided to slow WAY down with everyone – friends and lovers. That was the only way I could take back my power.

    If you click on my name and it will direct you to my website so we can talk one on one if you like.

  54. Gayle says:

    Janet,

    Thankfully, it never came to fruition for you.

    Did he say why the wife was such a constant in his life? I can relate to the low totem poll analogy: kids, ex, friends and then me. This was phase two of our ‘relationship’ where he could be friends and still receive the adoration, but I have to say that things never felt quite right and that I was always on the periphery of the relationship.

    I’m going to try touch base with you tomorrow, I have Finance class to study for :(

  55. valentine says:

    devastated,

    Im sorry for taking so long to reply. I go through phases with my recover and this blog brings me to reality… it’s so painful!!! The answer to your question : It took me a decision, honestly, I decided to be strong… for the first six months I was in hell, but with time things get better. I have got to tell you that it feels wonderful now, to have him trying to be nicest guy around, trying to please me in every way he can, while still dating this other woman…… Not that I think that she has anything to do with what happened( she did not know about us) in fact, I feel sorry for her now.

    But I needed it to happen!!!!! for MY OWN EGO STROKE, but as we all know here the fact of him trying to get back together has nothing to do with him realizing that he did not loves her and yes loves me ? He is still trying the chance of having both of us and then be able to choose between us two. I didn’t give this chance to him before, and I never will.

    This is definitely the hardest part of the whole process.. all the excitement of having his attention, and have to keep on telling myself that it is just his strategy of getting into my pants.

    For sure we have got to be strong!!!!

  56. valentine says:

    Miserable love,

    I dealt with it in the best way I could, I thing…. She does not know about us I believe, Im a very discrete person, and never told anyone at work that we were seeing each other, but she……..She told everybody that they were together within a few weeks, so I’m always nice and polite to her, I don’t try to be her friend though.

    I remember the last talk that I had with my AC over the phone,I Asked him directly; do you still want to be with me? he said yes but he sounded confused, like he wanted me to fight for him. All I said was good luck! She is 22 years old, he is 33, I am 32 years old so maybe it is the fact that she is so much younger that attracted him.

    Even though we work together and talk almost every day,the answer to my questions I will never have, we don’t talk about us, there is no us anymore.. and even if we had talked about us I know that everything that he says is ALL BIG LIES.

    So don’t bother.. just feel lucky that you will be able to recover sooner than I am.

  57. besos says:

    My ex contacted me out of the blue by text message a few weeks ago, we split up 2 years ago. The first one said he was sorry and that he never meant to hurt me, then he texted me about an hour later to say that he knew that I wouldn’t speak to him but he just wanted to say sorry and that he had dreant that I was pregnant!, then about 10 mins later, he sent another one syaing he understood why I was ignoring him but he just wanted to know how I was! I ignored all messages! Not heard anything since, he also tried to contact me on FB last year but I ignored him. He broke my heart but I found the willpower to do contact him since the day we broke up! Its hard but that dull feeling in your stomach does go xx

  58. Lon Rush says:

    This is disturbing but, I know where you are all coming from having seen guys like this. The problem I am having with the relationship I was in is that there was a commitment. We got married and a month later she kicked me out. No explanation, am I supposed to just move on? Life time commitment turns into a month and I’m supposed to just move on.

  59. Heartbroken says:

    Helly everyone,

    I have just come across this website….and so glad that I have. This is day one of no contact for me!

    I have been dating Mr Unavailable for the last four months, and I fell so hard for him :(.

    When we first met he took me out to dinner, and was very cagey about his living arrangments and told me I could ‘clasify’ him as single. I didn’t like what he was telling me and red flags went up! Then he wanted to take me away on a holiday, and I said we shouldn’t go because I didn’t think he was being upfront with me. Anyway he convinced me that he really was single.

    Then I heard through the grape vine that he was married. I told him I didn’t want to see him again. He swore that he was not married and did not have a girlfriend…. anyway I thought I’d give him the benefit of a doubt.

    We would talk every day for hours and hours… he would call me all the time (I hate initiating contact). Anyway we would also see each other once a week…. he was always working and travelling interstate. He would always spend the night when we were together. We went away for the whole weekend together etc. He helped me move and pick out a car…. he was really acting like a bf.

    But little things kept bothering me…. like sometimes he would forget his phone somewhere… or his battery would go dead…. or the fact that when I asked him to do something he would always say lets do it later in the week etc. He would always call me when he was driving or at work…. barely ever when he was at home.

    So of course after many incidents I began to realise that he was probably lieing to me. I was already working up the courage to confront him when a guy at a pizza shop called me by his apparently ‘ex’ gf’s name…. then all hell broke loose. I confronted him ….he swore he was single…then he said we were just friends anyway so what was I stressing about. This is when I asked him if that is all he saw,…was it just sex for him? He said of course not and that he liked me very much but he hasn’t really thought about it.

    We left the subject for a couple of weeks. Then two nights ago I confronted him again…and he said that he liked me and would be proud for me to be his gf but he just can’t make a commitment to anyone right now and wanted things to remain as they were. I told him I could not continue being with him if he wasn’t able to give me at least exclusivity…and guess what he couldn’t say it!! He couldn’t explain to me why is….just that he wasn’t ready and it was complicated??!! I ended it….and cried my eyes out all night.

    Yesterday morning he called and said he wanted to remain friends….I wasn’t sure what to do … but we spoke as if nothing had happened. Then he called me another four times!! On the fourth time I had to tell him that I wanted to be friends but only in the future…and that I thought it be best we don’t contact each other so that I have time to move on. He sounded upset but said okay….

    I got a message from him in the evening…. ‘Babe I miss you already’…. I wrote back ‘I miss you too’ ….. so now I am dying inside…. it is sooo hard, but I just can’t be with someone who can not make a commitment (and I still suspect he has someone else, a wife or a gf or maybe even his ex gf is still in his life).

    :( I really hope I am strong enough….but I really want him to contact me and tell me he changed his mind….. and I know inside it will never happen….. I don’t know if I can be strong enough :’( I really care for him..

  60. Heartbroken says:

    Well…. it didn’t take him long… I got a text message about an hour ago. All he wrote was ‘babe xx’ ….it killed me but I ignored it. I really felt like writing “I love you, but I love me more. The only reason that we are not together is because you cant give me any sort of commitment…so it’s your issue and your choice…”… but another part of me just wanted to give in and call him and meet him and hug him and kiss him :(

  61. Gayle says:

    Heartbroken,

    Stay strong!!!!! Just remember his history.

    All the best!

  62. Heartbroken says:

    Gayle,

    Thank you for your support… I feel disappointed in myself. I was so emotional this morning after having dreams about him all night that I sent him an ‘missing you’ message. As soon as it went I felt terrible for sending it. Of course he hasn’t responded all day… which made me feel even worse. Why is it so hard not to contact him :( I know he is all wrong for me and it’s doomed…. but some sick part of me really yawns for him… Every single minute in the day is consumed of thoughts of him…. and I keep thinking maybe he will realise what he has lost and change…but deep down I know this is just a fairytale :(

  63. Gayle says:

    Heartbroken,

    The way I was able to remain in permanent NC was when I realized it was more painful to remain in contact, than not. I saw that I had to get myself back and by continuing to allow this individual to remain in my life was eating away at my self-esteem and self-respect. I said, No More!!!!! I think you really need to see the man for who he is and not who you wish him to be, these men do not change.

  64. Gloria K. says:

    People mentally abused and misled by an ex-narcissist really need to stop stomping out the truth regarding these deranged predators. If we made it out of a relationship sane with a narcissist, we are then strong enough to embrace the truth for what it is. We are allowing our selfish desires to hold on to what isn’t meant to be. Why allow our emotions to deminish the truth! Narcissistic people are mentally incapable of being in any type of honest relationship on any level. They aren’t wired to even view you as a person w/feelings, a person w/a heart.

    We must stop saying, “I wanted to contact him, it is so hard not respond to his emails,part of me feels this way, part of me feels that way.”

    I, too, have been in a long-term relationship with a narcissist. Yes, in the beginning it was challenging to go NC. But I did it w/out ONE attempt to contact him under any circumstances. However, each time I examined my self-worth and then realized this guy was not even WORTHY of my companionship, was enough for me to stay my distance.

    Yes, he contacted me sporatically over the course of our breakup. However, I had studied textbook narcissm after the breakup. Therefore, I never fed him the supply he wanted. He never heard, I miss you, I love, I need you, I thought about you, etc.” He never received one random phone call from me. This is what they are hoping for….to strip you of your self-dignity, self-respect. Instead, each time he phoned, I kept feeding him my personal success.

    I knew he called for me to react in a tone that was excited to hear from him. Instead, I answered as if he was a salesperson and I had little time to chat. He instantly picked up my tone and tried cutting the conversation as short as possible. Who wants a guy that jumps from pillow to post with any woman that will give him the time of day. If I’m to be angry, it would be how dare this guy think I would ever stoop to wanting him after his callous behavior towards me.

    He showed his true colors ONE time, and I’ve been walking solo ever since. One thing he will remember about me is I was the most unique. Not too many women would walk away not needing an explanation, not needing closure. If the truth is there, embrace it and walk away!

    Why cry over the demonic. These people are not good for human companionship. Their sole purpose is to destroy and rob you of your heart.

    .

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!