I am a huge advocate for using the No Contact Rule on men that just seem to have an allergy to breaking up and making a clean break. Even when you don’t have to get medieval on him and cut contact, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it a million times again, this whole staying in touch and trying to be friends after you’ve broken up is BS – just ask the millions of women out there that are secretly hoping for him to suddenly see them for the great women they are so they can have their fairy tale ending, who actually in effect end up being used for a shag and/or an ego stroke.
But…women, especially Fallback Girls and assclown lovers are obsessed with the big question: Will he try to get in contact with me?
Now like a lot of things in poor relationships, obsessing over the what if’s of this question is a reflection of the female trapping of suffering from Women Who Talk and Think Too Much syndrome and not seeing the wood for the trees.
We focus on the act itself – him getting in touch.
We don’t think about before when he was a dickhead and messing us around.
We don’t think about what happens afterwards and what his actually getting in touch really meant.
In fact, the only thing we think about is what we think a man getting back in touch with us means – He wants me/He wants to get back together with me/He misses me/He regrets his actions
To add insult to injury, Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns are LAZY! They may not even call – they might skip straight to text, instant messenger, or email! If you fall into the trap of actually believing that his actions mean way more than they actually do, you’re so excited about the act of him getting in touch and back into betting on potential mode, that you fail to see the joker and his actions for what they are.
But let’s answer the big question – but will he try to get in contact with you?
It depends on the circumstances but it may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, it may not even be this year, or even until twenty years time, but if he is of the Mr Unavailable and assclown variety and hasn’t seen the error of his ways, his overblown ego, total disconnect, and selfish, using ways, means that he will probably at some point make contact with you.
To be honest, a lot of it depends on YOU. You are in the driving seat of this way more than you realise:
If you had the brass balls to see him for what he is and tell him to get the hell out of your life, he is likely to resist or be hesitant about trying to make a comeback. If he does try, it’s probably for an ego stroke or a shag, or to put himself back in the driving seat…and then disappear.
If you got down on your knees and held on to his feet begging him to stay, he’ll probably get in touch for a shag and an ego stroke. However…if you were really OTT, he’ll probably make you wait a while as he may be ‘nervous’ of your emotions.
If you keep making contact with him or make a big point of reiterating how you don’t want to lose him and how you want to stay in touch, he’ll probably be in touch. However, it’ll still be for a shag and/or ego stroke.
If you’re sort of hanging on the fringes, sending smoke signals that you’re ‘there’, he will make contact as and when he needs you.
If you tell him you don’t give a sh*t about him, if he’s from the egotistical stable, he’s likely to want to prove you wrong.
If you appear to have moved on or seem like you might be getting over him, he’ll probably get back in touch.
If you’ve avoided him for longer than any previous breakup, he’ll probably get in touch because he doesn’t like to be out of control of you being emotionally invested in him.
If he has worked his way through his narcissistic harem of women and hit a blank wall, he’ll probably chance his arm with you.
If the one he left you for dumps his ass, or he finds himself being (heaven forbid) rejected by another woman, he’ll probably try it on with good ‘ole familiar you.
If he catches a clarity glimpse in the mirror and realises that he hasn’t still got the magic, he’ll probably come back to you.
If you give any hint whatsoever that you are still interested in him and for many of you, that will come down to giving him the time of day, when he needs something and you seem like an easy candidate, he will get in touch with you.
But…the fact that it could be anytime between now and infinity is all the more reason why you shouldn’t be sitting at home pining away for him! Don’t wait for him – it may not ever happen.
Yes many of them do get in touch, but many don’t!
Why? Because they have no need for you and they’re getting a shag and an ego stroke elsewhere. If they’ve moved on, you’re the least of their concerns right now. It’s only the most egotistical, pathetic, lying, cheats that like to keep you on ice after they’ve left you and moved on with someone else. Next thing you know, you’re in relegation zone and been demoted from girlfriend, to ex, to the other woman. Don’t take a demotion – ever!
But why do they get in touch with us then?, some of you may ask.
To test to see if the proverbial door is still open. That may mean your legs or your emotions, or a combination of the two.
The only way that men who don’t know how to get the hell out of your life and leave you to move on, know that you are over them, is to be greeted with a closed door...repeatedly.
Eventually, they get bored. It will be very annoying and if you’re not quite over him, a test of your willpower, but they do get the hint eventually, especially if you’ve actually moved on.
Men that don’t want to let you go but also don’t want to give you what you want, are flip flappers. They don’t know their arses from their elbows so they can’t commit to being with you, they can’t commit to not being with you, they’re not sure if they like you, but they’re not sure if they don’t like you, and whatever energy they’ve mustered up to feel something for you, they don’t know why they feel it.
The worst kinds of men like Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns are ego and…often penis driven. The dick knows not why it wants it, just that it wants to get laid in some familiar territory…and then hotfoot it back out of your life the moment that they think you want, need, or expect something from them!
They don’t want you but they don’t want you not to want them.
They like knowing that there is at least one woman out there that is foolish enough to keep taking them back even though they bring less and less to the table each time, and they don’t even muster up the energy to attempt to be sincere anymore!
Remember, if we as women are afraid to be on our own, we have to entertain the very real possibility that there are men out there that also don’t like to be ‘alone’.
What you need to be asking yourself when you’re wondering whether he’ll call and trying to calculate when, is:
Why the frick do you care?
Then ask yourself why you need to concern yourself about whether a man who doesn’t want you and who didn’t treat you right is going to call?
Because remember that from the moment that someone breaks up with you, a major signal needs to be going to your brain that you and this person are not on the same page, and that rather than value you and do everything in their power to make the relationship work, they would rather opt out.
They are out. If you’re still ‘in’, something’s wrong.
You cannot spend your time trying to outthink these guys and pre-empt their moves. For a start, obsessing and thinking about what they may or may not do are signs that you are not moving on, still heavily emotionally invested, and in essence conducting your relationship with him in your imagination.
You know that you are grieving, healing, and moving on when you’re not throwing away your time priming yourself for a possible phonecall, text, or instant message that may or may not happen. Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment! You should be too busy getting on with your life to be on tenterhooks for the joker!
This is not the movies or a fairy tale! I hate to be a parade killer, but having two star crossed lovers that have an obstacle crop up at just the right moment to push them apart, for it to be resolved in 90 minutes just isn’t real life. Men that want you don’t tell you that they don’t want you!
And a man does not have to say ‘I DON’T WANT YOU’ to say ‘I DON’T WANT YOU!’
We make too many excuses for men, we let them off the hook, and we’re hearing but we’re not listening because one way or another, the guy is showing or telling you which way the land really lies, but you just don’t want to see or hear it.
The key to all of this, is what happens after he gets back in contact. Do you live happily ever after? Is he a different man? Does he do everything that you’ve been asking for and continue to do it? Does he put both of his feet into the relationship?
Or does he disappear? Does he text you, you reply, then not return your text? Does he promise you the earth but you end up with a crumb? Is it same sh*t, different week?
You know what the contact meant by what happened afterwards. It’s not the contact, it’s what he does with it and what happens afterwards that counts. I suspect if you’re a Baggage Reclaim reader, it didn’t work out too well…
So, instead of asking, will he try to get in touch with me? Ask yourself ‘Is the door going to be open for you to receive his contact?’
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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Janet,
I hear you, Sister!!!!
Did he have an unusual involvement with the ex as well?
Gayle: when we first started dating, they would have breakfast 2 or 3x’s a week (he paid of course) as she was perpetually poor. They had been divorced 3 years when I met him. All of her utility bills were in his name and the lease to her apartment. He also gave her 3K down to buy a new car. Even on a 4th of July celebration he invited her. She stayed the entire day and cast a pall on the party. I still to this day think they were still boinking each other while we were dating. (and yes I did have an STD test after we broke up).
Another woman in his harem (an ex g/f) he loaned her 6K to get out of jail. Now mind you he couldn’t afford to buy me a ring and marry me but he had the money to pay her bail.
Another neighbor (he called a friend) was overly chummy to him. She would come over during the day and they’d hang out and have a beer. One day I came by on a Sunday morning. For some reason he asked me to call before I came over. Very unusual. Well I did. When I got there (the neighbor) was sitting on the back of his truck with a S*** eating grin on her face as if to say I just boinked your b/f and you can’t do nothing about it as you can’t prove it. That particular neighbor tried to contact me for a long time after we broke up. I finally had to block her email address as she kept sending me emails.
I remember the next day I kept crying. My body was trying to tell me something. I just know that they had just had sex before I came over. He was sheepish and skittish with me the entire day.
He was a short bald man who was very insecure. Now that I look back on it, I can’t understand what I saw in him. He was a mama’s boy as well. He had a very sick twisted relationship with mom. Once I realized how whacked that whole situation was I got out.
Gayle – for me the only answer is to not have sex with a man in the initial stages of dating for a long time. I’m prepared to wait until marriage if I have to. Sex changes everything. Had I not slept with him so soon in the game, I would have dumped him a lot sooner.
If that means I have to celibate and keep dates sex-free for a while, so be it.
Janet,
I am so with you on the sex part!
I’m so sorry for this entire nightmare. How horrible!!
The funny thing is is that mine was nothing to look at either. Another repeating theme:multiple ex involvement, questionable relationships with other women,lies, excuses and low self-esteem (their side). They are dangerous, pathetic creatures!!!
Did he pursue when you left??
Miserable love, you wrote: I think it would have been 100 times easier if I had dumped him.
It´s not about who tries to contact who, or who sent the last text.
I dumped my EUM because he nearly drove me insane but it doesnt make me feel less rejected.
Because if I am truly honest with myself I know deep down that I love him more than he loves me. Simple truth. I can conjure up all kinds of theories about him not being able, neing narcisstic etc. And that may all be true but it doesnt change the fact that I still love him more than he loves me.
I think deep down we all know that here. We have to admit defeat.
aww, I dunno bout the L-word truthhurts
I still question the use of the word “love”. I think we “want” them to be in a solid relationship lots more than they want to be in one with us. The want is pretty powerful. I think it hurts a lot to realize they can’t or won’t come through for us and ley us know this in all manner of assclowny ways.
And want can be good, and is something needed by both parties when in love with each other.
But I still think the illogical desire for silly, short, bald, weasly whinin sacks o stuff that treat us disrespectfully might just maybe might be something other than love.
I think you are right aphrogirl, want is a better word for it than love.
Who knows what you feel when you are checking your phone every second, when you feel sick to the stomach when he is out on the town and you know he is eyeing other women. Or when you feel rejected and worthless when he again hasn´t called when he said he would. Who can distinguish love in this whirlwind of emotions? But it sure is a lot of wanting.
Gayle:
I dumped him 3 months after we started dating but like an idiot I let this train wreck last almost 2 years!. We broke up over the same issue 8x’s.
The reason I broke it off with him was that his Mom and Dad lived with him. Not because they were poor, but my X wanted them there. When he asked me to marry him the first time, I said where is Mom and Dad going to live? He said here.
I said I don’t think so. 2nd marriages are hard enough without having an entire entourage in the house! He said Mom and Dad are with me until they die. I said OK, our relationship is dead, bye bye.
Then a few weeks later he’d get horny and lonely, lie and tell me they’re getting their own place and then when it came down to it, his lies came through. Mom and Dad ain’t going anywhere. You and I are going to see each other on the weekends and you’d better be happy with that.
The ex-wife, the mom and dad, the son, the ex g/fs would call all the time. He would take their phone calls while he was with me, whether we were having dinner or out on a date.
This breakup, get back together went on and on for 2 flipping years. I’ve not seen him for over a year. Last Jan 2008 he called me and wanted to have dinner. When I heard the message I wanted to hurl.
My friend told me straight – you can either answer the call and tell him to stop calling and that you’ll issue a restraining order OR change your number and just give the number to close family members and friends.
That’s what I did. In fact my cell phone provider usually charges $15 to do this but due to my story the young CS rep nicely did it for me for free.
This was the first time I’d ever dated a man with a minor child (the kid really liked me, we got along well), an overly intrusive ex and Mommy and Daddy living with him.
Gail – I will NEVER put myself through that again. I’ll die alone first. When I dated him I had HORRIBLE hot flashes all the time. I would cry out of the blue. I would snap at people for no reason. It was my way of taking out the anger at him on other people.
A few months ago I was on a job site and I saw his car with his surfboard on it. I thought ruh roh, not even interested in bumping into him. I took my lunch break early to avoid him, close call.
Not only have I ixnayed him out of my life, but I’ve had to ixnay 2 one-way female friendships I’ve had. I had had a lightbulb moment before I found this blog. No wonder I’ve dated so many EU men. I have almost nothing but EU friends who take take take and never give. Enough!
Now it’s all about me. I’m fabulous dammit and I want people to please ME for a change.
Janet,
Yes! You are fabulous!!!!
I have to say I had to laugh at the lunacy of the parents living within him until their demise. Oh Lord!!!! I think that my ex’s son has now moved in with him-another excuse that he wouldn’t be able to date seriously- something he said would not last long. Ridiculous!!! I wonder if they truly believe this nonsense???
I’m with you, I would rather be alone the rest of my life before getting with another man like this. What did he say about the involvement with the ex? Did you ask why he didn’t go back with her?
I have also made changes in other area of my life. I don’t tolerate bad behavior any longer, it’s not worth the aggravation.
I forgot to add earlier that they have no character, honor or integrity!
Gayle – I’m glad I made you laugh. We’re all fabulous.
Your ex said having his son live there was an excuse. I don’t know if they believe it or not. I think it’s merely an excuse they make up to keep us at bay.
My X told me what he thought I wanted to hear (we’re getting married) in order to get what he wanted (regular nooky).
He said the reason he got divorced is that he never loved her and the only reason he married her was because of their son. He didn’t marry the mom until the son was 5. What a gentleman eh?
When he told me he dated her for 10 years before they got married that should have been sign #1. The first wife dumped him because he treated her like crap and she dumped him. He came home one day from work and her half of the furniture was gone. From that day on she only spoke to him through her attorney’s. She was done. I applaud the woman. She got sick of the situation and moved on.
Between me and the 2nd wife he had had 2 g/f’s (in his own words) that were great women and that he screwed up and lost them.
Once again, I love this blog. The owner of this blog is a no-nonsense woman who has some powerful messages. I have to lot to learn from the posts here and will continue to read them and learn.
Janet,
Believe me, it was laughter in disbelief.
Yes. That’s what I meant about the son. I mean how could he possibly have a committed relationship with his son living under the same roof??? LOL!!!!!
He actually admitted he only told you that he loved you only for sex? What is wrong with these people?? This guy sounds like a sociopath!!!
So, he recognizes he treats women like crap and is responsible for the demise of the relationship? What does he say he is looking for with a woman, only sex?
Gail – no he never told me he was only in it for sex – always told me he loved me – but I know that was bulls***. I do think he loved me just not enough to marry me and make a life with me.
It was more important to make his ex-wife and mom happy than to build a life with me. So that tells me how important I was – which was pretty low on the totem pole.
That is why after that debacle I decided to slow WAY down with everyone – friends and lovers. That was the only way I could take back my power.
If you click on my name and it will direct you to my website so we can talk one on one if you like.
Janet,
Thankfully, it never came to fruition for you.
Did he say why the wife was such a constant in his life? I can relate to the low totem poll analogy: kids, ex, friends and then me. This was phase two of our ‘relationship’ where he could be friends and still receive the adoration, but I have to say that things never felt quite right and that I was always on the periphery of the relationship.
I’m going to try touch base with you tomorrow, I have Finance class to study for
devastated,
Im sorry for taking so long to reply. I go through phases with my recover and this blog brings me to reality… it’s so painful!!! The answer to your question : It took me a decision, honestly, I decided to be strong… for the first six months I was in hell, but with time things get better. I have got to tell you that it feels wonderful now, to have him trying to be nicest guy around, trying to please me in every way he can, while still dating this other woman…… Not that I think that she has anything to do with what happened( she did not know about us) in fact, I feel sorry for her now.
But I needed it to happen!!!!! for MY OWN EGO STROKE, but as we all know here the fact of him trying to get back together has nothing to do with him realizing that he did not loves her and yes loves me ? He is still trying the chance of having both of us and then be able to choose between us two. I didn’t give this chance to him before, and I never will.
This is definitely the hardest part of the whole process.. all the excitement of having his attention, and have to keep on telling myself that it is just his strategy of getting into my pants.
For sure we have got to be strong!!!!
Miserable love,
I dealt with it in the best way I could, I thing…. She does not know about us I believe, Im a very discrete person, and never told anyone at work that we were seeing each other, but she……..She told everybody that they were together within a few weeks, so I’m always nice and polite to her, I don’t try to be her friend though.
I remember the last talk that I had with my AC over the phone,I Asked him directly; do you still want to be with me? he said yes but he sounded confused, like he wanted me to fight for him. All I said was good luck! She is 22 years old, he is 33, I am 32 years old so maybe it is the fact that she is so much younger that attracted him.
Even though we work together and talk almost every day,the answer to my questions I will never have, we don’t talk about us, there is no us anymore.. and even if we had talked about us I know that everything that he says is ALL BIG LIES.
So don’t bother.. just feel lucky that you will be able to recover sooner than I am.
My ex contacted me out of the blue by text message a few weeks ago, we split up 2 years ago. The first one said he was sorry and that he never meant to hurt me, then he texted me about an hour later to say that he knew that I wouldn’t speak to him but he just wanted to say sorry and that he had dreant that I was pregnant!, then about 10 mins later, he sent another one syaing he understood why I was ignoring him but he just wanted to know how I was! I ignored all messages! Not heard anything since, he also tried to contact me on FB last year but I ignored him. He broke my heart but I found the willpower to do contact him since the day we broke up! Its hard but that dull feeling in your stomach does go xx
This is disturbing but, I know where you are all coming from having seen guys like this. The problem I am having with the relationship I was in is that there was a commitment. We got married and a month later she kicked me out. No explanation, am I supposed to just move on? Life time commitment turns into a month and I’m supposed to just move on.
Helly everyone,
I have just come across this website….and so glad that I have. This is day one of no contact for me!
I have been dating Mr Unavailable for the last four months, and I fell so hard for him
.
When we first met he took me out to dinner, and was very cagey about his living arrangments and told me I could ‘clasify’ him as single. I didn’t like what he was telling me and red flags went up! Then he wanted to take me away on a holiday, and I said we shouldn’t go because I didn’t think he was being upfront with me. Anyway he convinced me that he really was single.
Then I heard through the grape vine that he was married. I told him I didn’t want to see him again. He swore that he was not married and did not have a girlfriend…. anyway I thought I’d give him the benefit of a doubt.
We would talk every day for hours and hours… he would call me all the time (I hate initiating contact). Anyway we would also see each other once a week…. he was always working and travelling interstate. He would always spend the night when we were together. We went away for the whole weekend together etc. He helped me move and pick out a car…. he was really acting like a bf.
But little things kept bothering me…. like sometimes he would forget his phone somewhere… or his battery would go dead…. or the fact that when I asked him to do something he would always say lets do it later in the week etc. He would always call me when he was driving or at work…. barely ever when he was at home.
So of course after many incidents I began to realise that he was probably lieing to me. I was already working up the courage to confront him when a guy at a pizza shop called me by his apparently ‘ex’ gf’s name…. then all hell broke loose. I confronted him ….he swore he was single…then he said we were just friends anyway so what was I stressing about. This is when I asked him if that is all he saw,…was it just sex for him? He said of course not and that he liked me very much but he hasn’t really thought about it.
We left the subject for a couple of weeks. Then two nights ago I confronted him again…and he said that he liked me and would be proud for me to be his gf but he just can’t make a commitment to anyone right now and wanted things to remain as they were. I told him I could not continue being with him if he wasn’t able to give me at least exclusivity…and guess what he couldn’t say it!! He couldn’t explain to me why is….just that he wasn’t ready and it was complicated??!! I ended it….and cried my eyes out all night.
Yesterday morning he called and said he wanted to remain friends….I wasn’t sure what to do … but we spoke as if nothing had happened. Then he called me another four times!! On the fourth time I had to tell him that I wanted to be friends but only in the future…and that I thought it be best we don’t contact each other so that I have time to move on. He sounded upset but said okay….
I got a message from him in the evening…. ‘Babe I miss you already’…. I wrote back ‘I miss you too’ ….. so now I am dying inside…. it is sooo hard, but I just can’t be with someone who can not make a commitment (and I still suspect he has someone else, a wife or a gf or maybe even his ex gf is still in his life).
Well…. it didn’t take him long… I got a text message about an hour ago. All he wrote was ‘babe xx’ ….it killed me but I ignored it. I really felt like writing “I love you, but I love me more. The only reason that we are not together is because you cant give me any sort of commitment…so it’s your issue and your choice…”… but another part of me just wanted to give in and call him and meet him and hug him and kiss him
Heartbroken,
Stay strong!!!!! Just remember his history.
All the best!
Gayle,
Thank you for your support… I feel disappointed in myself. I was so emotional this morning after having dreams about him all night that I sent him an ‘missing you’ message. As soon as it went I felt terrible for sending it. Of course he hasn’t responded all day… which made me feel even worse. Why is it so hard not to contact him
I know he is all wrong for me and it’s doomed…. but some sick part of me really yawns for him… Every single minute in the day is consumed of thoughts of him…. and I keep thinking maybe he will realise what he has lost and change…but deep down I know this is just a fairytale 
Heartbroken,
The way I was able to remain in permanent NC was when I realized it was more painful to remain in contact, than not. I saw that I had to get myself back and by continuing to allow this individual to remain in my life was eating away at my self-esteem and self-respect. I said, No More!!!!! I think you really need to see the man for who he is and not who you wish him to be, these men do not change.
People mentally abused and misled by an ex-narcissist really need to stop stomping out the truth regarding these deranged predators. If we made it out of a relationship sane with a narcissist, we are then strong enough to embrace the truth for what it is. We are allowing our selfish desires to hold on to what isn’t meant to be. Why allow our emotions to deminish the truth! Narcissistic people are mentally incapable of being in any type of honest relationship on any level. They aren’t wired to even view you as a person w/feelings, a person w/a heart.
We must stop saying, “I wanted to contact him, it is so hard not respond to his emails,part of me feels this way, part of me feels that way.”
I, too, have been in a long-term relationship with a narcissist. Yes, in the beginning it was challenging to go NC. But I did it w/out ONE attempt to contact him under any circumstances. However, each time I examined my self-worth and then realized this guy was not even WORTHY of my companionship, was enough for me to stay my distance.
Yes, he contacted me sporatically over the course of our breakup. However, I had studied textbook narcissm after the breakup. Therefore, I never fed him the supply he wanted. He never heard, I miss you, I love, I need you, I thought about you, etc.” He never received one random phone call from me. This is what they are hoping for….to strip you of your self-dignity, self-respect. Instead, each time he phoned, I kept feeding him my personal success.
I knew he called for me to react in a tone that was excited to hear from him. Instead, I answered as if he was a salesperson and I had little time to chat. He instantly picked up my tone and tried cutting the conversation as short as possible. Who wants a guy that jumps from pillow to post with any woman that will give him the time of day. If I’m to be angry, it would be how dare this guy think I would ever stoop to wanting him after his callous behavior towards me.
He showed his true colors ONE time, and I’ve been walking solo ever since. One thing he will remember about me is I was the most unique. Not too many women would walk away not needing an explanation, not needing closure. If the truth is there, embrace it and walk away!
Why cry over the demonic. These people are not good for human companionship. Their sole purpose is to destroy and rob you of your heart.
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