Imagine your relationship on a scale of ONE to TEN.
Mr Unavailables (emotionally unavailable men) like to keep the relationship in the comfort zone of Magic Number FIVE.
His blowing hot and cold is about managing down your expectations of him and the relationship, but it is also about bringing the relationship back to FIVE – The Status Quo.
Now, we all know that we want a relationship that is a ten (or as close as possible) so much of our relationships are about getting him to change or revert back to the wonderful guy he was in the beginning, because if he does, we believe that we will get close to magic number ten.
So how the hell does this all work?
At the beginning, Mr Unavailable blows hot to reel you in. At times you will feel like you approaching the holy grail of ten.
Then the novelty will wear off for him, he’ll think you’re getting too close or that you want too much, so he starts blowing cold and lukewarm to bring the temperature of the relationship to Magic Number FIVE. He is now managing down your expectations so that you learn what you will be getting from him.
You, being the ‘Accidental Drama Seeker’ and Fallback Girl that you are, will be forced to come out of the hazy glow of the new relationship and all of his charm, and you’ll be brought back to earth with a thud.
You will either pull some serious drama that will take it below five or you will throw just enough drama into the mix to force him to blow hot again and take things a couple of notches above FIVE.
But remember, ‘Accidental’ Drama Seekers are always scared. You don’t trust it when it’s good so you’ll sometimes act up a bit just to prove he’s the assclown that he is, which pushes the relationship below 5.
When it gets below Magic Number FIVE, he panics.
When it gets below Magic Number FIVE, you’re in you’re drama seeking comfort zone. YOUR Status Quo.
Say what! Yes, that is the case. It’s what you know! It’s also what you think that you deserve.
Of course, when things go below Magic Number FIVE:
He either blows lukewarm by saying just enough to re-establish The Status Quo and gets it back to Magic Number FIVE.
He’ll blow hot to take things above Magic Number FIVE and buy himself some peace and quiet for a while. And then blow a little cold or lukewarm to ease you back to Magic Number FIVE.
When it is above Magic Number FIVE, you are likely to be suspicious and to be fair, despite your penchant for drama, you actually have good reason. You know the drill. You know the score. You know the pattern.
You know he’ll say just enough doo doo to shut you up for a bit and then it’ll be back to same sh*t, different week. Throw in the fact that you’re a Drama Seeker and hey presto, you create some drama which drags it back to Magic Number FIVE or below, anyway. Of course, you also know how to create drama to bring it back to The Status Quo or above.
Mr Unavailable’s tend to blow their hottest at the beginning or when they believe that they are in serious danger of losing you. After a while, when he realises that you love a bit of drama, he gives you just enough to feed the cookie monster but will rarely blow superhot again as he knows you’re not going anywhere (or at least that’s what he believes till I came along to throw a monkey wrench in the works!)
That my peeps, is drama in its most basic terms. He uses blowing and hot and cold to manage you and facilitate The Status Quo and you use drama to move the relationship up and down the scale and you also inadvertently feed into his agenda. You use drama to create the relationship that you think you deserve.
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Catch up on posts in the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series.
If you are a Drama Seeker, you should be reading my ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and buy and download.