Recently an acquaintance was struggling with a technical issue at work. I offered to take a look, expecting to spend a 10-15 minutes checking it out. They immediately took me up on my offer, while wasting no time informing me that it was a waste of time. “Oh OK then – I’ll leave you to it” I said, only for them to backtrack. After a quick fiddle around with it, they asked if we could have a quick call – one hour of basically saying over and over again that they’d “tried that”, they’d done “everything possible”, and essentially telling me that they didn’t think that it could be resolved. Every.single.last.suggestion was shot down and during and after the conversation (I use that word loosely), I couldn’t help but wonder:
If you think that you know it all, or that you’ve done it all, or that nothing else can be done, why are we having this discussion? Why are you trying? Why are you appearing to be searching for a solution? Or are you just going through the motions so you can tick off your effort checklist?
In truth, it was much closer to them being genuinely frustrated by the issue and wanting a solution, but based on what they’d done up to that point, they believed this to be ‘everything’ and they’d actually gotten very comfortable complaining rather than doing. Interestingly, with a bit of delving, it seemed that they’d been doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Sound familiar?
Why do we basically engage in insanity in these situations? Because we’ve gotten behind a course of action, which in spite of the fact that it’s not working and that there are in fact compelling reasons to change, we still believe that we are ‘right’ or at least that we have exhausted everything in our power.
Some people are happier, or at least more content, putting their energy into defining and talking about the problem, than they are at seeking out and trying solutions. It gives an illusion of busyness.
Some people are also happier trying out one or a few solutions and then if it doesn’t work or proves to be trickier and more ‘resource hungry’ than expected, writing off their efforts and deeming the search for a solution to be a failure.
When the term ‘self-esteem’ is mentioned followed by anything to do with opting out of unhealthy partnerings, I often hear the stock phrase of “Easier said than done.” What does this even mean? Isn’t everything easier said than done until it’s done?
I talk with some people about their relationships and everything has an objection. Everything. Now when you think about the fact that this essentially boils down to objecting to yourself, you can see how self-defeating this is. How can you in one breath call someone an assclown and rattle off a list of misdemeanours that are scary to hear never mind experience, and then in the next breath object to the validation of how shady the person’s behaviour was and then even try to fend it off by suggesting ‘good points’ or pitching excuses?
When you spend a lot of time and energy diagnosing the problem and complaining about it, and then shoot down any solutions and pooh pooh anything that doesn’t let you remain in your comfort zone, it’s the equivalent of saying “Jaysus, when I was complaining, I wasn’t actually looking to do anything! Whadaya take me for? I’m just blowing off some steam and getting validation that the situation is shite/a pain in the bum/futile/whatever.”
You’ll know you’re a shooter of solutions, if aside from saying guff like “Easier said than done”, you also say:
Yeah I’ve tried that – Really? Did you try it a different way? How long was it for? Isn’t it a bit like going up to a door, trying it to unlock it and then declaring that the door is broken when there is not only a pile of alternative keys behind you or even another way in, plus there are people on the other side of the door, so obviously it opens?
It’s too hard – Why because it’s not easy or even instant?
It won’t work – But you’re not saying what will – you’ve already resigned yourself to a helpless outcome.
The town/city is the problem because X,Y,Z – Then a suggestion is made to move. You can’t because it won’t sell. Rent? Nobody rents (really in the entire place where you live?) House swap? Oh no you couldn’t let anyone in the house you don’t like anyway. Or you can’t move because it would be too hard, or people wouldn’t like it. In fact, insert any objection like “too old”, “too late”, too this and too that and put down all of your objections.
The last chance saloon has gone – How do you know – because you decided? So what happens next?
It won’t help – Well if you know why it won’t help, suggest an alternative.
I won’t meet anyone anyway – Well it doesn’t sound like you’re planning to!
But it’s me, isn’t it? I’m the problem (After being told that someone else’s behaviour was out of order.) – Somehow, you manage to bring it back to you, even when it’s about them.
This is all dismissive talk that allows you to stay and complain. It’s draining to be on the receiving end of, but it can be pretty draining to engage in it. Listening to it is like being in Groundhog Day – all routes lead back to “It won’t work” and “I’m not good enough.”
Ever picked up a self-help guide with exercises and tips and skipped them? Is it that you think you know everything? Or do you think it won’t work anyway? Or do you expect change to happen in your comfort zone without you stretching yourself?
You’re painting yourself into a corner. The truth is, you haven’t seen it all, you haven’t ‘done’ everything, and you definitely don’t know everything. None of us do, even the person that you believe is the most intelligent person to walk the earth continues to seek new knowledge and try new things – from the moment one starts assuming they know everything, they haven’t got anything left to do, which may suit you if you’re avoiding action…
If you take up a position of complaining and repeatedly expressing dissatisfaction, it gives the impression that you’re unhappy and would like to change the situation – not just to others, but also to yourself.
When it becomes apparent that you’re not an action person, over time it damages your credibility – you’ll give the impression you just want to sound off or even empty out on those around you, which eventually becomes draining. On a personal level, it’s also likely to fuel blame, shame, and regret, as you begin to recognise that you’ve been talking yourself out of exacting change in your life and that you’re not able to rely on you.
Don’t let complaining about your life be your purpose. What can you do? What are your alternatives? What do you know for next time round? What is working in your life?
It’s fine to identify problems in your life, but don’t become so enmeshed in complaining about them or even making them your identity, that you become inactive and stop assuming the responsibility that you actually have for your life. Just as you can be a part of the problem, you can be a part of the solution – devote your energy to the solution. Don’t palm off issues and make out like it’s all on someone else or external factors for your life to be better or that if you have to be responsible, then it’s ‘impossible’ or at least very hard – which would you prefer? Sympathy or happiness?
Your thoughts?
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About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Excuses, I have them for my excuses. I think I start my every sentence with ‘but’ right now. If it is not because of this reason, then it was because of that reason. God, I am surprised I have a single friend left right now. I have systematically destroyed my life, my professional credibility and my sanity it seems. All over an ass clown I had no interest in to start with, not even in the slightest. I have no idea why I even fell for him – it was an odd kind of charming not enough to provoke the ‘whoah too full on response’ – just a few caring emails, a cute nickname, a thoughtful non-date date and some fun in the park, and slowly but surely with every four hour ‘how are you today – have sweet dreams’ phonecall my every thought started to revolve around him as he replaced me in the center of my universe. Then suddenly from nowhere he pulled the rug from under my feet and explained he *really* liked someone else and I must have simply got the wrong idea about ‘us’- we were just good friends. Now I am certain that old me would have told him to take a very long walk off a very short pier. Yet the new me could only nod in agreement. Of course he was right, yes I’d got the wrong idea – of course we could be friends – especially after silly me had made such a silly mistake. He was very quick to reassure me that plenty of other women had got the wrong idea too – it was curse of being a *such* a nice guy you see. Course you all do…
But no not me. Instead I became best friend extraordinaire. Have you ever seen the ‘but I’m your best friend’ production? I should have sold tickets, it was a real west end worthy drama where no matter how much I broke my life to fit with his – he simply drifted further away from me. The more I gave the less I got. I should have let him go. Instead I clung. I clung so hard it hurt physically and mentally. I ended up losing friends, destroying any semblance of professional credibility as I let my work slip. I the only way I could slip any further right now is by getting back into to contact with him – and guess what I want to do. You guessed it. Despite my life laying in tatters on the floor, mainly, if not entirely because of this idiot – I shun fixing that mess. For reasons beyond what is left of my logical mind what I want more than anything else is to invite him back and unlock the door so he can mess it up some more…
Shelly
Ooh you’ve been well and truly mindF*cked.
Don’t contact him. One day at a time. Block him off FB, delete his number off your mobile, delete his texts, clear your call log (you WILL forget the no. eventually), delete him from your computer backup, get a new phone if you have to, block his email.
Imagine that you’ve been kidnapped by a cult but you escaped. In this vulnerable time, you have to tell yourself that what you are thinking and feeling is cult hogwash. It’s not real.
You’re still in there somewhere Shelly. Keep moving towards the light (not the one shining out of his arse).
Shelley
Keep reading Nat’s blogs. Here’s the reality: He is NOT that special – You are NOT that desperate.
Shelly, your post made me want to cry because I’ve been there, I really have. I got messed about, friend-zoned, obsessed with and eventually accidentally pregnant by someone that I didn’t originally rate very highly either. When I looked at my life afterwards, EVERYTHING that I’d had before – friends, financial security, house, routine, health, professionalism, sleep-patterns – were gone and instead I had a baby (who is admittedly ace), a room in an elderly relative’s house and a lot of head-scratching. It’s comebackable-from, it really is. I’m not ‘there’ yet but I’m happy and I honestly didn’t think I ever would be again.
The first thing that you need to do is to block this nasty little user from your life. He’s manipulative, he’s taken advantage of you and even if he DID change his mind (he won’t) he wouldn’t ever make you happy (unless your childhood dreams involved a husband who would make you feel insecure and confused?). I don’t know if you’ve done this yet but delete his number and his email address, block him from your phone and email and go and mop the floor (or do something else strenuous and mundane) every time you want to think about him.
Think of your life (as you’ve described it) as a very unstable building full of volatile high explosives – you do not need some numpty wandering around in it and clicking his lighter for fun.
I’d also maybe recommend looking into investigating WHY you had such a strong reaction to this one man, as I can tell you now for nothing that he isn’t actually God. In my situation I worked out that I had a lot of other issues – that I’d ignored for a long time or developed killer strategies to deal with – that were ‘triggered’ by one rather ordinary dude. That was why the experience was so painful and all-consuming, it wasn’t that he was my true-love-from-past-lives or my soulmate.
So maybe look into seeing a counsellor or a therapist to investigate the effect that he had on you? It sounds as though you need more support to deal with this than you’ve got, and professional help will provide that.
Anyway, good luck. And keep reading and posting here, because it is brilliant. There are so many people here who’ve pulled back from where you are now, so it really can be done.
Wow – I went out last night so missed all your responses. You’ll all be please to know I went to my first burlesque class left my phone at home and even smiled – may have even made some new mates in the process.
In response to you three lovely ladies who took the time to help me thank you!
@ Grace – You are right, there was a whole cult and I am not the first as he has it down to an art! And yes, while he may believe the light comes from his arse – it does not! It looks to be a long long road, yet I am now far from alone. I am systematically removing him from my life – unfortunately not entirely as we sadly work within the same field – but I can be professional when I have to be and nothing more right (I know there is some posts I need to swot up on here!)? i.e. remove him off my personal phone, FB, personal email, etc. But work related treat him like the CEO – comms only if necessary, only ever work related and always 100% professional? (no finding reasons either!)
@ Fearless – I now have that lipsticked to my mirror – as marker penned to my forehead (where it should be TBH) is not exactly work friendly!
@ Yoghurt – For someone who has obviously been through the ringer and not only got out the other-side, but is still strong enough to even think about helping others… well hats off to you! Thank you so much for taking the time to offer practical solutions. I do need to personally block him from my life, as he never deserved to be in it. I’m glad I have started down this road. I have to say when you mentioned therapy it sends shivers down my spine. I am too afraid someone will stick the word nutter to my head and say I can’t cope. Which is irrational I know as therapy is meant to give you tools not a label. Yet this period of my life has been so irrational and so self destructive that I feel shamed to admit to it offline to someone face to face – and that undoubtedly is unhealthy in itself. I don’t like feeling so foolish, admitting I got so far out of control or that I placed this ‘friendship’ before everything else in my life. I’d really like to like to blame him more, but I know really I have issues that let me do it to start with. I don’t think I will even start to really heal until I can admit this to someone face to face. Yet with most things in my life I just want to bury it and forget it happened (and I have done that so…