I met a man who is the cousin of a good friend in June of 2007 and have been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since. I have totally fallen for him to the point of obsessing.
In the beginning, he was so attentive and sweet; shortly after the relationship became sexual, he changed, although he kept on saying the ‘right’ things; “I’m tired of being a boy toy, I want to be in a commited relationship, I’m tired of being single; I’m tired of ‘playing games”.
From the outset of us meeting, he mentioned his ex-girlfriend, who also happens to be the mother of his first child. (He has two children by two different women.) He told me that he has been single for nine years; that is when he and his ex-girlfriend broke up. As I got to know him more, I noticed that whenever he would drink (he also has a drinking problem), he would always mention his ex. He says that she kicked him out of the apartment, (he had been cheating on her), and when she broke up with him, she broke his heart and he hasn’t been the same since.
He says since then, he has never been in another relationship, and he has never loved anyone else. (He does not recognise the situation with the mother of his second child as a valid relationship; he says he was just ‘having fun’ with her.) He tells me these things about his ex (and family issues), mostly when he has been drinking, then he has sex with me and tells me how we will be a couple, to just ‘give him more time’, because he has a ‘lot of issues’.
If I don’t call him, I don’t hear from him. Once in a blue moon, he will call me, usually after he has been drinking. Whenever he wants to see me, I can never tell him no; it’s as if I am addicted to his emotional unavailability. I feel like if I could just be with him ‘one more time’, he will have some sort of epiphany and realise that I am the one for him. Every time we connect sexually, or spend any type of time together, I feel like we are growing closer, but as soon as he leaves me, it’s like out of sight, or of mind. I never hear from him for weeks, until I break down and reach out to him, and the cycle starts all over again.
I have told him how I feel over and over again. I have been very clear in terms of what I want from him; a real relationship, inclusion in his ‘world’, quality time, attention, and most importantly, his love. I have tried so many times to leave him alone. I have written him the ‘dear John’ letter. I have texted him and told him both in person and over the phone that I need and deserve more; and I can’t keep doing this with him anymore.
Yet, whenever I run into him (which I sometimes do because I am close friends with his cousins and friendly with his family), he always finds a way to squire me away and we always end up having sex. Or, sometimes, I breakdown and call him, and figure out a way to see him, and we end up having sex. And, as always, it ends up the same way; he tells me how much he cares for me, how special I am, and how I have a pure heart, and he doesn’t want to hurt me. I don’t understand how he still sleeps with me knowing he cannot give me what I want.
In his defense, he has told me that he does not want a committed relationship; he has a lot of emotional baggage, a lot of which has to do with the mother of his first child, who I believe he still loves nine years later ( He vehemently denies this). He tells me that the reason why he does not call me is because I am not like the other girls he sees. I want more, and he is not ready to give me more, so he stays away. Yet on New Year’s eve, I saw him ( I brought in the new year with his cousins). He told me that he was taking me home, as I was drinking and he did not want me to drive. We ended up having sex in his truck.
If he cares about me, and does not want to hurt me, then why would he keep sleeping with me knowing how I feel about him? I feel so helpless, like he is some sort of drug I can’t say no to and I find myself sobbing unexpectedly sometimes when I think about him and this whole situation because I know that we will never be. I feel like I am slowly going crazy. I want this to stop. I want to be over him once and for all, but I don’t know how to stay away.
NML says: The reason why he keeps having sex with you is because he can and because you let him. You don’t need a conscience to have sex and if you had the opportunity to have your cake and eat it too, you’d help yourself to a big slice of cake. As far as he is concerned, he has told you what he wants and doesn’t want, and he has shown you that he is very poor relationship material and very clearly still emotionally tied to his ex.
It’s not about whether he loves his ex; it’s about the fact that he uses the fact that she is his ex to distance himself from the possibility of a relationship with anyone else and to absolve himself of any responsibility. He may not even want her but many emotionally unavailable men do the ‘This One Time In Band Camp’ act which is trotting out the same lame story about something or someone that has hurt them and how they prevent them from feeling and engaging in relationships properly. Sometimes it’s true, often it’s not, but the point is that from the moment that a man conveys this type of information to you, it is game over, no credits.
You are wasting your time and you’re putting the onus on him to walk away from you because you’re addicted to the drama and ambiguity of being with him. You feel helpless because you are absolving yourself of the responsibility for your relationship choices and you also feel helpless because of this addictive feeling. YOU are very clearly emotionally unavailable and your sense of self-worth must be really low if you are prepared to let this man use you and drop you at will whilst he witters on about some other woman and talks about ‘others’.
You don’t want a committed relationship and to be a part of his world because if you did, you wouldn’t flog this very dead horse. But I understand how you can find yourself in this position because I and many other women have been here, and many will come after you. You are validating yourself on the basis of how he treats you, hence in your mind, if you can successfully attain him, bingo, you’re worth it. But obviously, this relationship is doomed and you’re going to come out of this wondering what the hell is wrong with you and why he couldn’t choose you. For him, it’s not about you, it’s all about him. You just make it easy for him to continue his poor behaviour. On the flip side because you keep chasing him and sleeping with him despite what he knows he’s told you and shown you, he also recognises that you can’t possibly want more and that you can’t feel too good about yourself if you’re prepared to be with him.
Stop waiting for his epiphany moment because you may be old, grey, and dried up and STILL he won’t have it. Wanting more from this guy after the way he has behaved is like closing the door after the horse has bolted. Actions speak far louder than words and he has shown you what you’re going to get from him. Stop betting on potential, stop trying to change him, and start focusing on yourself.
Right now, this hanging with his cousins mallarky is intrinsically tied with your relationship with him and until you can get some distance and objectivity from him, I suggest that you do a bit of cold turkey, have a break, and attempt to get to the bottom of why you would choose to be with a man who so very clearly doesn’t care about you.
Never, ever, mistake sex for an indication of how much someone wants to be with you. You might think he is addicted to you because he’s not leaving you alone and he keeps coming back, but sex is just sex. You’re committed to his penis and that’s about it…. It confuses things, it disarms you, and some men use it as a weapon to keep you emotionally tied in. Put yourself on lockdown, tape your hands to your side, and stop contacting this man because you’re throwing yourself at a man that doesn’t deserve you. You must take responsibility for your part in this and accept that if you want better, you want out, and you want to feel good about yourself, it is down to you and only you to extricate yourself out of this madness. Stop feeling helpless, toughen up, and tell this guy to beat it. In fact, you might not even need to tell him, just cut the contact! You know it’s never going to work so you need to accept this, it’ll hurt in the short term but you’d be surprised how much better you feel when you tell these men to BEAT IT!
Recommended reading
Boomerang Relationships and The Yo You Girl
The 10 Commandments of Breaking Up
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I can’t believe this post – I just ended a relationship tonight with my best friend, who has been inadvertently leading me on with the hope of being together for quite some time now. I told him I need space and until I’m over him and the idea that we will one day be together, I cannot see or speak to him.
“it’s about the fact that he uses the fact that she is his ex to distance himself from the possibility of a relationship with anyone else and to absolve himself of any responsibility” – VERY well said and very true.
Cutting off contact is very difficult and it will feel “wrong” – but take it one day at a time…
Confused – you are using this guy for a booty call. And if you think you are going crazy, one definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting a different result. You keep calling, he answers, you get your ashes hauled – and your relationship doesn’t change. What part am I missing?
Sex is fun. Hormones intermingle, and for consistent, repeat encounters, our bodies adapt to one another. The sights, the smells, the sensations – they are worth having. Saying the ‘right things’? How is that different than other polite speech. When a guest arrives you say, ‘Welcome’, at Christmas time you say ‘Merry Christmas’. Don’t confuse anything someone says an hour before orgasm (or the hope of orgasm) or 30 minutes after, as having any meaning or that should be remembered. Polite speech. Sex is fun for him, also the intimacy, the sights, the smells, the conversation. And also for you, or you wouldn’t be calling when nothing else happens.
If you want something good to happen, you have to start with your goals, and your self image. If you want a long term, mated life, look for a mate-type prospect. Pick a partner that is capable of being a co-parent, whether you want kids in your future or not. Look for someone that is good with kids and animals. Look for someone that is honest, respectful, disciplined. Look for someone that has current strong bonds to friends and family – it is easier to add a strong family bond, than to create one where none exist.
This guy has issues. He says so. He answers your booty call, he lets drinking affect his behavior. Regularly. And you encourage him to continue, but rewarding his current behavior. Regardless of what you say to him (when he is drinking?!) your actions keep telling him you value his drinking and having sex with him. Women get confused about this. Women are smart. Women can discuss emotions intelligently. Men communicate in well-placed grunts and pokes. When you call or show up, when you get skin to skin with him, talk to him, let him squire you – you are offering a sexual encounter. The words are just more-or-less polite speech, comfortable banter to fill in time, for him. Your actions aren’t consistent with wanting a change.
You want him to fall madly in love with you – to validate the time you have spent with him, to reward you for sharing intimacy with him. This is your ego, your pride, that wants to be confirmed as ‘valuable’. And that isn’t necessary, you are a valued and desired companion, obviously. But you are frustrated(obsessed) about your inability to control your own life, or to change his. What you can do is to recognize ‘Hmm, this guy isn’t working out. He drinks. He is happy with his lifestyle and doesn’t seem interested in change’.
For the most part, sex is pretty good with almost anyone – that we respect. Skills and understanding can improve, if needed, with experience. What won’t change much is character. Pick a mate prospect for good character, and use dates not for a social occasion, but to evaluate a mate prospect.
And I would lay off the booty calls. If you want a mate, a long term relationship, you want to stop with the casual encounters. Casual encounters are temporary, you cannot ‘earn’ turning a partner chosen for sex appeal into a responsible, caring co-parent. It does happen, occasionally. They made a movie of it – called ‘Knocked Up’, a sordid ‘comedy’ and not a good model for life.
I don’t see either of you doing ‘wrong’ things, hurtful things, although I imagine he is a bit confused with your requests for a relationship and continued casual booty calls. Think of trading cars. Your car doesn’t have to be ‘bad’, you just decide you want a vehicle better suited to the way you live now. And you let someone else take over the ‘old car’. Just don’t ask about his ‘trade-in’ value..
Brad K…. I respect your opinion but it sort of a slap in the face coming from a man (at least your tone perpetrates that of a man) It sounds as if you are trying to make this dude the victim. Be very clear… This man is not confused at all. He knows exactly what he is doing; he knows exactly how she feels about him. He also knows that he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship and she does, yet he continues to pursue her. Yeah, yeah I know,” A man will only do what women will allow him to”, but where/when is the boundary drawn?
SimplyT, No, I don’t think the guy is a victim. I think he is coasting. His confusion is that he has no goals, no idea where he is going with relationships. He is not confused about the sex, he is going after that whenever it is available.
She is unhappy with the situation, but it doesn’t sound like she is really a victim, either, at least, not his victim. Remember, she is the one that has to call him .. then they end up having sex. This guy’s ‘pursuit’ is pretty passive. She doesn’t have to be a victim to be responsible for where she goes in life.
I am not convinced they do understand each other. They don’t act like they believe what the other is saying. When dating, many half truths and deceptions are practiced, in the name of romance, to play ‘the game’, or to ‘look good’. He might say he doesn’t want anything more, and actually feel something else. She might badly want a family and kids, and tell him she *might* want kids in the future, or that he is all she needs to fill her world. Because the words are said, doesn’t make them true – and doesn’t mean the listener believes them to be completely true.
I would never presume I knew exactly how a woman felt about me, or anything else. I would always know that the best I can do, is guess. And I know how tough it is for me to identify, exactly, what my feelings are about almost anything. Why would I think most people are any better able to express themselves in terms I understand?
She can stop calling him and stop huddling up with him at family functions, and they won’t have a relationship. She can *choose* to leave him alone. After that comes the hard part – building a fulfilling life that includes a responsible mate, if she still wants one.
i’ve been in this situation before. there are two solutions for your sanity and your self-respect:
1) you gotta not have sex with him. just focus on that part really hard. like, really really hard. so you can interact with him, call him, make out with him and get hot and heavy and have him say really nice things to you. but in the end, bail before he unzips his pants. focus really hard on that. everything else will fall into place — whether or not he will pursue you or if you end up working towards your fullest potential of strength to leave him alone.
or
2) don’t break up/end things with him — that will make it easier for you. because if someone tells you to end a “relationship” like this, you won’t end up doing it. (i have been walked by a friend to the guy’s house before to end it and had been text messaged throughout the meeting and didn’t end up doing it).
then, also, don’t answer his calls. difficult, but don’t do it. absolutely cut yourself off and enjoy the pleasure of not giving him closure. also realize the possibility/probability that he may not even give a sh*t about getting closure from you… all the more reason for things to end anyway.
He is merely doing what you allow him to do and sorry if this offends you but you are the one pursuing him and allowing him to get his rocks off with you when you want him. Of course he is going to have sex with you if you call him up and allow him to be there with you for that purpose. I do place any of the torment or blame at his feet.
Have a good hard look at your position and what you have said, look at it as though someone else had written it and you will be able to answer your own question.
By the way Brad … Blessed Be to you too.
Gia
Hi JJ,
Just responding to part of your quote that follows …
i’ve been in this situation before. there are two solutions for your sanity and your self-respect:
” 1) you gotta not have sex with him. just focus on that part really hard. like, really really hard. so you can interact with him, call him, make out with him and get hot and heavy and have him say really nice things to you. but in the end, bail before he unzips his pants. focus really hard on that. everything else will fall into place — whether or not he will pursue you or if you end up working towards your fullest potential of strength to leave him alone. ”
I can not get my head around that. That is game playing at it’s extreme. I honestly can not see any sanity or self-respect in taking that course of action … and it is also plain out and out teasing and baiting him. If she should focus on so not having sex with him, that’s exactly what should happen … he is playing her and she is playing him and laying out herself as booty call bait as it is. Click those heels and just walk away and distance yourself from your weakness for him. No more torment or angst and find someone that will be there for you and not just when you call them.
Gia
i see why the confusion about that. but i’m not saying that this will work for everyone either. it’s just that sometimes people say they’re going to do something (in this case, break things off with the guy) and they somehow end up…not. in one way, take things one step at a time, starting with sex. everything starts to flesh out after that, and you starting seeing that b.s. pattern of behavior (things said, hand holding, getting hot and heavy) you both are involved in somehow. some people have got to start somewhere, no?
for me this worked because by not sleeping with the guy, i started to regain control/perspective of the “relationship” and more importantly, of myself.
i see why the confusion about that. but i’m not saying that this will work for everyone either. it’s just that sometimes people say they’re going to do something (in this case, break things off with the guy) and they somehow end up…not. in one way, take things one step at a time, starting with sex. everything starts to flesh out after that, and you starting seeing that b.s. pattern of behavior (things said, hand holding, getting hot and heavy) you both are involved in somehow. some people have got to start somewhere, no?
for me this worked because starting with not sleeping with the guy, i started to regain control/perspective of the “relationship” and more importantly, of myself.
Hi; I’m the woman who made the 1-9 entry. Since I posted this log, I have not had any contact with my Mr. Emotionally Unavailable guy. Everyone once in a while, I think about him, and I start feeling that somehow, he has gotten the ‘last laugh’; and then I feel like a total idiot for allowing someone to treat me the way that he did. But I quickly shake the feeling off and move on with my day. I’ts getting easier with every passing day to look back at this objectivey and realize
Hi NML; I’m the woman who made the 1-9 entry. I tried to do a follow up, but I no longer see the tab on the web site that allows blogger to reach out to you. Since I posted this log, I have not had any contact with my Mr. Emotionally Unavailable guy. Everyone once in a while, I think about him, and I start feeling that somehow, he has gotten the ‘last laugh’;then I feel like a total idiot for allowing someone to treat me the way that he did. But I quickly shake the feeling off and move on with my day. It’s getting easier with every passing day to look back at this objectively and realize that everything happens for a reason and I will come out of this a better, wiser and hopefuly saner woman. My question is this; if he does call, should I answer and then quickly give him the brush-off, or should I just let the phone go to voice-mail? As you can see, my next big hurdle is wrapping my head around the fact that he may never call, and I may never get that kind of closure. I realize that as well…the saga never end…
a.willi, From another perspective, there isn’t any reason to think that he might have the last laugh. Like what the weather is in Seattle, the number of dogs in the dog pound in Philadelphia, or what I had for breakfast, whether he ‘won’ just doesn’t matter any more.
When he calls, answer, I think. Be polite, if you can, be courteous. Absolutely refuse to discuss anything intimate, current or past, such as feelings or regrets. That would be impolite of him to mention or ask, and would be inappropriate for you to discuss. This guy is *not* an intimate companion. Just like if I contacted you, or my neighbor’s nephew, he is *not* someone you have decided to date.
Consider any contact with him to be practice. Practice relating to men that you aren’t dating. Be polite, as if your mother or pastor were part of the conversation – watching your manners, and keeping the conversation polite.
And another part of the reason to keep things polite is part of preparing for a reasonable, responsible, respectful companion. You want to show your next guy the warmth of trust, respect, and joy, and everyone outside the home the politeness that makes business and society function. Being polite to everyone (that will return the courtesy of being polite) also avoids the problem of driving away possible candidates before you get a chance to know them.
Besides, bitterness and fear take the joy out of life, and make us more tired than we need to be.
For closure – one way is to write a letter that explains everything, a letter that you will *never* mail, save, keep, or share with *anyone*. Take days or weeks to write, to polish, to re-write a couple of times. Make it complete. Then address an envelope with his name, and shred the thing into tiny pieces. There. You have closure, or as much as you could have if he had passed away. Maybe plant a daisy in the back yard, with the shredded letter underneath .. No, no, that would be more likely to express anger than a memorial to a portion of your life that has passed.
Luck!
ly and a.willi
Something similar happened to me about 2 yrs ago. I had a really good ‘friend’ who I was very close to but we/I got too close and we had sex and he told me loads of things, very similar to the situation outlined by a.willi I won’t go into details. Simply put I was an idiot! We were also work colleagues and he ended up seeing someone else at work once he got his head sorted out. I was so upset. My only choice was to cut him out of my life and to focus on and appreciate the people in my life that don’t make me feel like shit and don’t make me cry (they are called real friends and your family of course). It was hard but once you get going its easy. It meant deleting emails/phone numbers and avoiding social gatherings with him – it was a mess.
But you know you don’t need closure from him you get the closure becuase you decide that its over and you are no longer involved in the situtation anymore – no matter what he does. In fact you don’t need anything from him, you have made the decision and you need to learn to trust yourself.
I disagree with some of the other posts I don’t think you need to play around with being polite when he calls and writing a letter explaining how you feel – even if he doesn’t see it. It seems to me its a bit like an alocholic just trying to have one drink – you are just tormeting yourself! Just blank him completely – do not invite him into your world anymore, even if it is just in your mind. It will hurt and believe me it was horrible at work but try to focus your energy on your friends and family instead.
I am still at work with this guy and these days he is almost apologetic when he has to talk to me about something, it still hurts a bit but I think that may be wounded pride rather than a broken heart.
Oh my goodness!!! This sounds EXACTLY like the situation I’m in! I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the same dude, cuz he has two kids two different women, he was attentive at first and sweet and then after some time after the sex, he started to be an arsehole…..I’m curious if you would give me a lil more info on this man as it really sounds like him and the whole situation you’re going thru is what I’m going thru apart from the ex of 9 yrs, he has never mentioned that is a reason why he wouldn’t want to commit! He also would drink ALL the time to the point where I was concerned, then he would open up at little. Please reply asap. Thanks Jen
W,
It is really hard to accept love that you thought it will profit you in terms of marriage and at the end seem not. this thing also happened to me and am still having the pain. But little by little am getting used though some times it seems like he reminds me when i saw him walking by, answering calls of which he rebulfs mine when i call, calling and having confidence to one of his office mate while i am available for him. But know am mornal i just do my things alone wihtout concentrating to him anymore.
I agree with eveyrone else….I have been in these types of relationships…perhaps deep inside you do not want to be in a commited relationship….please love yourself and let this man go…take small baby steps…I know HOW hard it is….It is almost like dying but get away from him…It took so many years and I am still struggling to get away AND to just heal……I dont talk with him but he has hurt me SO much that it is so hard to let go of the pain….IT is tragedy to love men who do not commit and a horror…..
P.D Do not listen to Mr. Brad…..I have been t hrough such things with such men and I know very well what I am talking about….I gave a million chances too…..