If I say Demi and Ashton, Tom and Kate, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, Calista Flockheart and Harrison Ford, Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn, and Madonna and Guy Richie, whilst they have their quirks (don’t get me started on TomKat.) they all have age gap relationships in common. But for us normal folk out there that don’t have bags of cash to help PR our relationship and possibly even leapfrog over certain hurdles, it doesn’t always get to be love conquers all and happily ever after. People still make a big ordeal out of an age gap, whether it’s the people in the relationship, or those that are around them, and it can be surprisingly difficult to keep it together.
I’ve had a few relationships with guys that were between 7-10 years older, and for me, it proved to be disastrous. I may have been secretly harking for a bit of that daddy figure feeling but the reality of being with someone who seemed to be a know-it-all, been-there-done-that type, who more often than not wanted to change me and control me was pretty annoying and unpleasant. On the flipside, I went out with a guy three years younger than me and I am still bewildered as to how we transitioned from couple to overgrown baby and reluctant mother.
When you’re in an age gap relationship your own insecurities, and either your domineering ways or submissive ways, can bring a whole host of issues to the table without ever having to put up with a sneering comment from family or friends.
If you’re older, you may worry that you’re too old, too controlling, a cradle snatcher, or that you or your friends are superior to your partners friends, and that’s just for starters. You’ll probably spend a lot of time with your head in the future trying to work out whether you have one and if you an merge your dreams and aspirations. On the flipside, if you’re younger, you may spend a lot of time thinking the sun shines out of your partners backside and that their word is law, or you may be a rebel, or worry that your friends will feel out in the cold with your older lifestyle, or worry about your family and friends reactions, or that you may be moving your life along too fast.
Like any relationship, age gap relationships take work, and whilst they may not take more work than others, they do take a certain type of work and understanding.
The most important opinions on your relationship are your own and both of you must be careful not to let outsiders influence how you may feel about or treat each other. However, for your relationship to work, it does mean that you both need to find a happy medium with your friends and family. Don’t force your relationship on them – let them see how well your relationship is working and involve them in your life. Only those who don’t truly care for your happiness will struggle to support you and your relationship. Be careful of being paranoid and making assumptions about your friends and family’s opinions that aren’t actually correct!
Your social lives may not merge as easily as you think but give it time and don’t expect that either one of you should give up your friends and family in order for the relationship to work, because this will eventually make one or both of you feel resentful.
You need to be united though for the relationship to thrive. This means that superiority and inferiority complexes can’t be the third person in your relationship. If you’re older, don’t assume you know best or patronise the crap out of your partner, and if you’re younger, don’t forget that you have a voice, they don’t know best, but don’t turn into a child or start being a rebel. It is key that the relationship strikes a balance and that you don’t slip into a parent/child relationship. You can both stand to learn a lot from each other and both of you have room for growth, not just the younger one.
Try not to leapfrog too far into the future because you may end up putting undue pressure on the relationship. If you spend a lot of time worrying about whether they will want the same things as you in five years, or whether they’ll run off, or how you will need to find someone your own age eventually, I have to ask – why the hell are you with them? Like any relationship, you need to manage your expectations and a healthy way of keeping things under control is to discuss them so that you’re both on the same page.
Most importantly, you both need to accept your age difference and embrace your individuality. There is no point in starting a relationship if you’re going to try and force your partner to act as if they’re the same age as you. Ultimately the age gap shouldn’t define and dictate your relationship; you both should and trust me when I say that if you break up, it’s not down to your age gap, it’s how you both handled it.
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I can relate. Earlier this year I went out with a women 13 years younger than me. While we did pretty well (I did avoid all 70’s humor and references) it was more her friends and dealing with them that really pointed out the gap. Most of them were still in college and just hanging. It was weird.
not sure about this age thing, physically on a piece of paper you might be older or younger, but for me its where yr head is at..! no rules…its more about having fun and compatability dont you think…? i,ve been with older, younger and when you get to mid 40,s …10 or 15 yrs aint much,,,depending on where yr head is at….guess as long as your in sync…go for it….whatever works…!
Picking a partner older or younger seems to be about choosing whether you want to skip the effort of finding an equal partner.
The older person is often considered more experienced, or has more seniority in the relationship. This can simplify figuring out who is responsible for what. But it can also limit the ability to adjust the relationship as each person grows, comes to know and understand their partner, and gain experience in life and in the relationship.
You might pick a younger partner specifically because they lack experience — and the defenses we learn to avoid the dangers of life. Note this is not a flattering reason to pick a partner.
I suppose someone that wants to make babies might pick an older partner, to deliberately pick someone with more ‘co-parent’ experience, or more resources (skills, money, connections, security). The down side of this is having to wear the ‘I am the junior partner’ label. This also reflects low self-esteem, assuming that you would need more help than a partner your own age might be able to provide. Being the junior partner also means a desire and willingness to be taken care of.
There are probably more reasons to pick a particular person as a partner than there are people in the world. The reasons people pick a partner older or younger might be much more important than the actual difference in age.
I am 49 and I always date younger men. I live in a small town and they are the ones available. I look young for my age so it works. I am open to dating someone my age or older but in the 3 years that I have been single, I haven’t me one that interests me (with age not being a factor). Sometimes it is just who is available.
Thanks for the advice and inspiration. I have met a wonderful man at online site Agematch.com, he is 39, I am just 26, we interact each other and enjoy the age gap relationship. Also, age gap relationships are become more common and common these days, I think age difference is not the problem, the problem is sometimes you should know how to overcome the age difference and sometimes just enjoy the difference.
I love older guys. They are not hung up on a lot of the things that younger guys are. And rumor has it that they make better lovers (It’s what I heard)I just met a guy 14 years my senior. Unfortunately on most days I do think the sun shines out of his____. Fortunately I know that will change as I get to know him. We vibes so well together that I don’t even think about the age difference. Trust that I have no qualms about setting him straight if need be. In no ways do I feel inferior. He is at a different point in his career but it is great because he can mentor me.
I really don’t think big age gaps make a difference, it is about how you connect as a couple. My partner is 12 years older than me and I have never been with anyone my own age who has made me as happy as he has, as soon as we met we just clicked. I thought it would be difficult and we would both want different things, and we do have our disagreements, but doesn’t everyone? So far though things are going well.
I would say don’t worry about what anyone else thinks, if you are happy go for it, worked for me!
I am married to a wonderful man who is 28 years my senior and in my opinion its anything but difficult. Infact its easier being with a man who is alot older me as it would be if i was with someone my own age.
We all know that it takes along time for a man to mature where as for females its pretty much instant at 18+. Me and my husband can talk for hours on end about politics, world affairs etc. Our spark is as though we just met and we treat each other as though we arnt going to live past the day.
I am 21 years older than my partner of 9 years and we are as strong and united as ever, he’s my absolute rock and I has stabilising side, all his family have accepted me and my children with open arms and have discussed the age difference with his parents who said we allways knew he would end up with an older woman and couldn’t be happier for us both, so give and take it can work and last take it from me
My wife is 30 and I’m 62 and we have been together for almost 10 years and still going strong. We have the blessing of her family and pastor. Is not about age is about caring for each other and more.
The more I try to understand society’s standards, the more I get confused !!!
If the man is much older than the woman, people call him “old dirty bastard” !
If the woman is much older than the man, people call her “cougar” !
My father is 15 years older than my mother, being married for 55 years, with 11 kids !!! > (today doesn’t happen anymore).
When I was younger, always got involved with much older man ! Now that I’m older, I get involved with younger man !
Older man offers SECURITY, wich is very very important to woman, (and men know that).
In general, woman outlives man by 7 to 8 years. (who wants to cry over a dead body ?!)
Also, lets consider the fact that one spouse is going to take care of the other when the end comes………(if is lucky enough !)
Make no mistake. Younger men feel “POWERFUL” being with older women !
And don’t forget that women don’t need “MEDICATION” to make love, when old age comes ! (thanks God !)
One thing seems to be certain : people usually “bet” that the older partner will never leave them for other younger one ! (not sure).
Well…….I miss the old good times, when everything seemed to be not complicated !
I love this article ! How can I e-mail it to someone ? Could you please help ? Thanks much !