While listening to a reader reel off a list of hurts and incidents that had taken place over the years, I was reminded of an episode of the Salt N Pepa reality show, which I managed to catch one day when I should have been tidying and instead was regressing to being a teenager and watching VH1. Anyway, I digress!
Both women from the famous rap group seemed to have a lot of old hurts piling up between them since their sudden end in 2002. They attended a joint therapy session in the episode and it was like listening to ‘the blame show’. ‘You did this…’ ‘I remember when…’ ‘I’m still mad at you because..’ ‘You make me so angry and it reminds me of that time when you…’ and on and on and on.
Are you like a dog with a bone holding onto the old hurt like your life depends on it? Does your pain feel like a badge of honour or as the reader described it, a “security blanket”? Do you make out like you’ve let go of something but at the first sign of trouble and you’re back to pulling out your ‘security blanket’? Are you stuck on repeat?
Pain is very comfortable as is complaining. We can get into a comfort zone and it seems easier to hold onto the pain and be angry, and blame or feel bad about ourselves, than it is to process that pain and work through letting it go.
We can be very righteous about our pain and when we think about letting it go and moving on, it’s damn scary because when we are in pain, we can blame what we do and don’t do on it.
Even though we’re always responsible for ourselves, pain hides this, so of course the thought of not holding on tight to it will feel like you can’t escape you and your responsibilities – funny though, you still have them with the pain.
I get that you’re hurt. I get that you’re angry. But while you can stay hurt and angry forever, I don’t recommend it. It’s not good for the soul, it’s certainly not good for the mind, and it will affect your belief system which has a major knock on effect.
It’s also important to remember that if you remain hurt and angry, that’s not the fault of the person who you believe has wronged you; holding on to it and the effects of it are yours to own.
From the moment you have the hurt and the anger, while you’re going to have it for a time, when you work through what has happened, process any loss, and make the efforts to deal and move on, you’re limiting the impact of the person and the situation. The longer that you hold onto the anger and hurt, the more connected to the incident or the people within it. This means, for instance, when you’ve broken up with them, holding onto the hurt is another way of staying connected to them. However the longer you hold onto these feelings, the less it actually is about the incident and the more it is about your own resistance to letting go.
What does holding on mean to you? What does letting go mean?
You can’t pretend you’re not hurt or angry and it is perfectly okay to feel these emotions, but we must be self-aware of the damage that these can cause if they are unaddressed, unprocessed, and held onto tightly.
You don’t want to be like those people we’ve felt frustrated with who suffer with ‘And one time, in band camp’ trotting out the same old stories, excuses, and pains. You certainly don’t want to be someone who ‘stays and complains’ and bears grudges rather than actually doing anything about the situation. Remaining angry masks inaction – if you were taking action, you’d be working your way through your feelings and moving on.
During the reality show, the therapist asked them to go into a room where there was a pile of clothes. Each woman stood on either side of the pile and for each ‘offence’ that they were still holding onto, they said it out loud and put on an item. They looked ridiculous and uncomfortable. When they were done listing their hurts, they then worked their way through each one and explained (if necessary), let it go, apologised, and moved on and took off an item to represent it.
As I talked with the reader I was reminded of the show, so I asked her to imagine that she had a three piles of clothes to choose from. Big hurts, medium hurts, and little hurts represented by heavy clothing like jumpers and coats, medium weight clothing like trousers and shirts, and light weight stuff like t-shirts, socks, vests etc.
I said: Now imagine you took each and every thing that you’re pissed off about and put on an item of clothing to represent each one – how damn uncomfortable would you be?
Here’s the thing: A lot of us have a hell of a lot of baggage and while we manage to get through life with it, it’s a large and uncomfortable load to carry that greatly impacts on our experience.
You cannot persist in carrying all of this baggage. Or you can, but you’re loading yourself down and crippling yourself. There will be failure to launch.
It’s a bit like putting a roof rack on a car and piling on too much stuff and wondering why the car is struggling. It may get to the destination, but it’ll take longer and probably experience much damage along the way.
There is only so much baggage you can carry without being distinctly uncomfortable and while you can become used to carry this excess load, this doesn’t mean that you should.
When you factor in all the different things that you do in life that require different levels of ‘flexibility’, ‘mobility’, ‘temperature’! etc and you imagine all the extra stuff you’re carrying in those situations, you can greatly see how you’re impeding yourself.
It is not others loading you down. They may have contributed to your ‘baggage’ but they’re not the reason you’re holding on to it.
You want to know why you’re immobilized, not seeing the wood for the trees, and having blind spots like anger, another person, a belief you’re stuck on? You have so much stuff weighing you down and blocking your way, you can’t see clearly and you can’t think straight!
Whether you imagine clothing for each piece of hurt and anger, or you actually go to your wardrobe and start loading yourself up with clothing, start getting to grips with how much baggage you’re carrying.
Start with a baseline of having on an average outfit (we’re all entitled to ‘hand baggage’ – it’s normal), and imagine or actually put clothing on top of this.
Now ask yourself what you can let go of immediately and what other stuff needs to be gradually worked on?
As I said to a few people recently,
What is the point in staying in or going back to a relationship with someone and frequently reminding them how they’ve failed you by rolling out your hurt and anger every opportunity you get?
Why start a new relationship when you’re still emotionally invested enough to be pissed off?
If you’re still angry about something and now years are going by and you’re still bringing it up, it’s time to ask: What am I still seeking out of this situation and anger? Whatever it is, it’s time for you to do whatever is necessary and find peace so that you can move on.
A few years ago I made a very conscious decision that there was basically only so much ‘shit’ I could hold onto, so I had to choose wisely about which bones I wanted to be like a dog with. When I thought about it in terms of actively holding onto stuff, I wanted to offload as much as possible and not make a choice to hold onto anything. It doesn’t mean I have forgotten the things that have hurt me, but they hold far less weight and importance in my life, and I don’t give them any power whatsoever.
I had a whole load of old hurts stored up about my parents and I was angry. It then became super tiresome and affected my health, my relationships, and my self-esteem, and I started to wonder what the objective of being, for instance, pissed off with my mother was?
What did I want from her? Would it have made a difference? Maybe, maybe not, but one thing I do know is that whatever difference we think getting whatever it is that we think is the key to letting go of our anger is, it rarely matches our expectations. I wasn’t going to pursue getting her to be and do what I want for my hurt and anger to the detriment of my own life.
All I know is that the difference between carrying my old baggage and not, was fantastic and freeing. I basically said ‘Eff it. It’s done, I’ve been angry and hurt for so long, I’ve lost track. I don’t care. Well I do, but I don’t care that much that I want to spend a minute longer with my life on hold.’
Don’t weigh yourself down. Start offloading excess baggage – you’ll surprise yourself if you take the time to try and stop clutching your security blanket. You need to hold onto yourself – not pain and anger.
When I ask people what it will mean for them to let go, the most common answers – ‘moving on’ and ‘letting go’. Stop being afraid of letting go – you have to sometime. Hard as it may be for you to hear, the world has kept turning and the people and things that you are angered and hurt by have moved on or passed. It’s like you’re standing still in the past holding yourself back. It’s time to step forward.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebook on emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them, Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl as well as the No Contact Rule and more in my bookshop.
Clothes pile image source and other images via SXC
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Great post, Natalie, and exactly what I needed to read. I’m not sure how to process what I’m feeling and will start seeing a counselor week after next; hopefully she’ll be able to guide me through the stages of grief that I feel about losing this relationship, unhealthy as it was for me. I think back to things and people I let go years ago, and how I can talk about them with no emotion and know what I’m going through now will pass and become part of my past. One day I hope to talk about “it” without emotion as well.
Great article! I was holding on to the pain, far too long! I finally let it go. Between reading all your articles, and reflecting on the relationship, realizing that I was beating a dead horse in my mind over and over and over. Why was this particular relationship so hard to let go of the pain of it ending? Why did I never experience this kind of ending before? Why was it so hard to move on? Why did he treat me that way? You get the picture.
I kept asking myself, what do I need to do to walk forward and leave that pain behind? One day I was doing dishes. I had put a cup down in the sink and walked away. Naturally, when I came back it was over-flowing with water. A thought hit me at that moment. The cup that I was trying to fill (my bad relationship) was so filled with holes that I could have continued to pour into it for the rest of my life and it would have NEVER filled up! My energy was pointless. My efforts for not. And then, even after it was over (my decision), I was focusing so much energy into the “why’s”, my pain, my hurts that I was holding on to it much longer than I needed to be. I was staying stuck instead of moving forward; Every minute of every day was consumed trying to figure it all out. I had a choice to make, I could stay there emotionally wounded an hurt, or I could move forward and let it go. It’s so exhausting. My choice was to move forward.
I had to realize that while in the relationship, I was not happy with it. I was constantly wondering why I was there. When I was not happy in my relationship I wanted out, when I finally got out, I allowed my time to be consumed with all that he did to me. When I was the one who allowed it to happen to me. I allowed him to treat me the way he did. I made the decision to leave because I had had enough. Now I was allowing all of that relationship to control my life. It was almost as bad as still being in it wondering what the hell I was doing here. Now I am out and yet my emotions are still in it. Time for me to take the next step and stop looking at that closed door.
As the old saying goes, when one door closes another one opens. My problem was I couldn’t stop focusing on that one closed door. I was unable to see what doors were opening in front of me to walk through to move on my own journey. When I finally allowed myself to stop looking at that closed door is when I was able to walk through the open door and see what was ahead of me. What was through that new open door? Peace, healing, letting go and hope for the future.
Along with all of Natalie’s wonderful help putting this all together, there was one article I had read that really hit me when I finally pulled myself out of holding onto the hurt and the pain that kept me emotionally bonded to the failed relationship. I hope it might help someone who is reading this as well.
Being constantly criticized, rejected, neglected, or abused eventually pays its toll. The low self-worth you see is not always the CAUSE of their being unable to leave, but the RESULT of having been treated this way. Once they feel low about themselves, they lose the strength to get out.
But there is more to it. They have become traumatically bonded.
A traumatic bond is created when pain is inflicted into the attachment. This bond is stronger (just like epoxy glue is stronger than rubber cement) than a non-traumatic bond. The more traumatic the bond, the harder to get out.
There are examples of this everywhere in nature and science. Researches found that when training a duck to “imprint” them, when they accidentally “stepped on the duck’s toe,” the duck imprinted them more than before. Science has conducted myriad experiments that demonstrate the power of “pain” to strengthen the bond. It’s the principle fraternities use in hazing where they humiliate or hurt their pledges to instill greater loyalty in them.
But there is still another factor which really cements people to the abuser. They get hooked by the “intermittent reinforcement.” The abuser, every once in a while, will give them what they need, i.e. “a pat on the arm” or saying “love you” or “bringing home a paycheck.” It’s intermittent.
If you ever studied classical conditioning (Pavlov’s dog and all of that), you may remember that if you want to “train” a rat to respond a certain way, rather than giving a steady reward (i.e. sugar pellet), give it only intermittently. Intermittent reinforcement is more powerful than steady reinforcement.
This explains the paradox of relationships. If your partner mistreats you in all kinds of emotional or physical ways, you run the risk of getting deeply hooked in.
You’d think it would work the other way – that if your partner made you feel secure, safe, and comfortable, you’d have a hard time leaving. But the irony is that many people feel freer to leave someone who has made them feel secure. Ever hear “nice guys finish last?”
But if they are made to feel chronically insecure, heart-sick, anxious, or hurt, they can get caught up in the drama of the abuse and locked into the dynamics of the relationship– especially if every once in a while, their partner gives them a little crumb of love — intermittent reinforcement.
If you are in a traumatic bond, you not only suffer from your partner’s criticism, blame, betrayal, unreliability, or neglect, but you suffer from beating yourself up for allowing it to happen.
You feel guilty for not being able to leave. Your friends may get fed up with you for being so stuck. Even your therapist loses patience. You feel judged. You feel weak. You feel ashamed of yourself.
Someone responding to the unhealthy relationship described in my last blog wrote:
<<>>
I was happy to receive this message because it confirms the bind so many people are in. The more infrequently the “crumbs of love” are offered, the more hooked you are. You become conditioned, like a rat in the cage.
@findingmyself
Ditto Ditto Ditto – just got done reading that book. I have been sitting/stuck in the pain – one day up two down. I hate this rage I am feeling towards the AC, his “new” old FBG back in the picture and myself. I am stuck in the self blaming and the fantasy that they will live happily ever after – AND I KNOW this is RIDICULOUS! Who cares what they are doing – it was not right for me.
And I hate the fact that I have had so much loss in the last 2 1/2 yrs that I sometimes don’t even know what I truely am crying about – the loss of the illusion of him, the “relationship”, my self-esteem that I gave away so easily (at a very high price), the loss of my mother, loss of my cat, etc – it gets so messy.
I am so looking forward to starting therapy this week. I don’t like to hate/anger – what I found years and years ago – that my anger is really fear. Fear they will live happily ever after, that I will never be healthy enough to get and do the healthy relationship, fear that after all the work I have done I found another abuser, cheater, liar – blah blah. All I can do is keep on keepin on – do the work, feel the feelings, let go and pray – praying does help me. Thanks everyone – this site has been my sanity from my insanity.
Aimee…honey, who cares what he does–he will only repeat the same thing over again with someone new. He will never be really happy, and you are capable of that. I think the problem is thinking that someone else is going to be what we were not to these AC..when we KNOW that they are not able to be anything more than what they were with us. And honestly, even if they do “turn around one day”, the way they treated you/us, is more than enough to walk away from them. Yes?
I thought of this while reading this; if you are carrying baggage to a connecting flight, a never ending connecting flight, do you want to keep carrying that same baggage and never end up at your destination? Or would you rather a direct flight to get you where you want to be?
Life is too short to continue carrying the baggage and never reaching our destinations. If we want to get to our destination we need to unload some of the baggage that is keeping us from getting there. I have done that. I feel so much more able to get to my next “connecting flight” now so I can reach my final destination. I’m on my way to peace, comfort and a real future. C’mon everyone (and Aimee)…are you ready to catch that connecting flight with less baggage?….let’s meet at the gate and board together!!!
Findingmyself…Amen to that sentiment. You are so speaking my language,and we share a lot in common.
Thanks love – you are so good with these analogies – just love them and they really get me thinking!
Hey findingmyself and Amy,
These guys are already happy they keep pressing the reset button and starting over with new people. They can continue serving the one person they love the most, themselves.
They are already happy with someone new that is why they move onto someone new. That’s okay we want them to be happy. We are just sad we haven’t found happiness yet with someone.
My EUM tells me how happy he is and that he likes his situation with his girlfriend. He doesn’t have to compromise and he hasn’t had to change one bit.
The way I feel about this is I care about him and he has been my friend for six years. I don’t like how he treated me but it helped me realize why I was attracting the wrong men. If I meet the right one after him or after a couple of guys I don’t get too involved with because I learned my lesson from him well. I will be happy to realize he was a part of how I got healthier. He already is a part of that.
I care enough about him that if this new girl does make him happy than I am happy for them both. He wasn’t enough for me. What he is saying right now wouldn’t make me happy because I want a man that wants to work with things with me, not be happy he never has to compromise. I feel she is a fall back girl and she will be sitting where we are one day and I feel for her. She is just a girl like Aimee’s ex’s fall back girl, and like us.
This attitude of mine came recently after posting to you guys. I started working on forgiveness.
When I want to visit the darkside and dwell on why couldn’t he turn out to be the guy he promised to be? As well as, I get mad that I am single and he has someone. I remind myself that he is entitled to have someone just like I am. That their relationship is their business, good or bad and that as lonely, and as empty as it feels right now for me, I am happier without him. I have a chance at true happiness in the future because I already saw life with him and it is not what I want.
This is not an easy attitude to adjust to, it all came in time after I visited all the grieving stages over and over. In all honesty, I never thought I would get to the acceptance stage. I still go screw acceptance how dare they make it work while I have nobody. I laugh at myself and then I think oh how lucky I am because I have already worked through my stages and they are minor now in comparison. I think oh that poor girl who likes him way more than I ever did and how this is going to be hell for her if he ever does push her away somehow. I hope for her sake he does get it together for her because I know what it is like and it is going to be ten times worst for her. If he doesn’t smarten up for her sake, I hope she too finds baggage reclaim to get herself through it.
Aimee just be glad you get to rip the bandaid off now with the hair sticking to it and it hurting like you know what. That will be the new fall back girl one day, embrace her and realize she is just you but you get to go out and find real happiness. While you realize she has to put up with him which means conditions.
That explains alot. Thanks for enlightening us. For me traumatic bonding has played a role in many of my relationships beginning with my mother and siblings. When I was a child my mother was often verbally, mentally and physically abusive to myself and my siblings. Often angry at us and quick to tell us how stupid, or mad that we “made” her. Needless to say Mom was a very troubled person. But we as children didn’t know that and of course it hurt our sense of worth and self. I learned that I could pacify her by being obiedant and soothing to her and go along with what she wanted so as not to provoke her wrath. My brothers who where older, rebeled. And when I recieved better treatment from her for being “good” they got angry at me and abused me. I spent my childhood and young adulthood trying to get them to “like” me. With one brother he would intermitentatly stop being so abusive and be ok towards me-but it would always happen again. I tortured myself for years and years going back and forth between cutting contact with him to being in contact with him till finally I realized he’s never going to be any different. It wasn’t my fault that he treated me this way-it wasn’t anything I was doing to cause it. He was abusive because that’s just how he was. I know there are reasons for why he is the way he is but I wont’ go into. My point is that the crumbs that I would get always kept me coming back for more and the fact that he was my brother which always held meaning to me. I mean he was my brother for goodness sakes-we were supposed to have a relationship right? But what I didn’t know at the time was that the way that he was behaving towards me, the way he was treating me was abuse because I grew up with a mother who was that way so it was “normal” to me. As I got into my first serious romantic relationship of course with a man who was abusive, not physically but mentally, I thought that meant that he loved me-why? because my Mom was abusive , (again not knowing that it was abuse) and she loved me right? How did I know she did well she would give me crumbs. So when this guy gave me crumbs I thought it was “normal”. When I wanted more from him then he was willing and or capable of giving-I held on even harder and stayed with him trying to get him to give me the love I wanted and put up with the abuse, the cheating. I stayed even after he cheated on me even though I felt that he would do it again. And even though I doubted that he could ever love me the way that I needed to be and deserved to be loved. I finally woke up and got out. When a woman stays in a relationship where she was cheated on it’s because she has the crumbs and she has the history of being with them if they’ve been together for several years, and she doesn’t want to lose and she feels rejected. She doesn’t want to be rejected. So when he says he’s sorry and won’t do it again and it was only sex and he still loves her-because those are her hooks into the relationship-she stays. Meanwhile the guy eventually cheats on her again. And she can either wake up or not to the reality that he’s the one with the problem-and not her, realize that he really doesn’t love her no matter what he says or the crumbs he gives her, and that there is nothing in her power that she can do to change him, loving him more won’t solve his inner problems, and that it’s not her fault he cheats. It’s not that there is a realtionship problem. The problem is the guy-the guy that can’t be faithful to her and won’t be to any woman. Gradually her love she has for him dissolves along with any hope that he will be faithful to her. Then and only then will she leave him.
Dawn,
The cheating has never happened to me….but I am suspecting that the verbal abuse has. It was very strange. My ex did not own up to his horrible treatment and disrespect of me in reaction to those issues. Instead, he turned it around and said I should appease him and make him feel better by doing stuff that I feel like were going against who I was. It was very scary; he was so in denial of his own feelings or he wanted everyone around him to pander to his whims. He’d make an offer that to him seemed perfectly reasonable but to me, it wasn’t something I was comfortable with because it wasn’t in line with my own values. So of course I’d say no and tell him straight up why. Then he’d say that he was okay with that. After that, days, weeks or months later, he would ask me the same thing again, knowing full well (or blocking the knowledge? I can’t tell) that I was going to say no for the same reasons…..and of course I’d still say no, and he’d blow up in my face and start yelling at me. He said I was always saying no, and of course I would, because the options that he provided weren’t in line with my values. And in our arguments he left out the times when I did say yes, because whatever it was we were doing was actually something I was comfortable with. But the blowups were frightening and devised as a way to change my opinion so that I would do whatever it was he wanted. Instead of acknowledging my point of view on the situation, however strange he thought it was, he discounted my feelings on the spot by calling them completely irrational and trying to “teach” me the “right” way of seeing things (this is one of many, many signs of an abusive relationship, btw). When he felt there was a problem, he got defensive and went for the jugular by attacking who I was…THEN he told me, in a seemingly healthy manner, what issues he felt he had with the relationship. Whenever I asked for my own needs to be met, I was told that he would “do it later” or was faced with a coldhearted reaction.
And the more THAT happened, the more I lost interest, like the hypothetical woman in your post. He claimed he loved me, but he did it by being possessive and controlling and not letting his so-called “love interest” do what she felt safer and more comfortable doing.
When love hurts like this, it’s time to get more information regarding the characteristics of abusive relationships, not only physically, but verbally and emotionally. Controlling people have many different ways of keeping control over their partners, and if the person being harmed doesn’t recognize what’s happening it will keep on happening. Traumatic bonding is one of the signs of an abusive relationship.
I recently stumbled across a website called ashrink4men.com. It describes many of the behaviours you just mentioned, but women are the offenders, not men. The main subject that caught my attention was how abusive individuals brainwash you once they have you under their control. This comes after the ‘charm’ in the beginning of the relationship. Very immobilizing indeed! Very insightful site IMO, but certainly not to take anything away from Nat, she simply rocks!
I took a look at the site and it’s amazing how so many people, man or woman, have experienced abuse in any way. I still only suspect that I was verbally abused in my past relationship before—-the bruises aren’t visible and in my life outside of the Internet, I still haven’t found someone who’s been there. So I still don’t know for sure. But prior to meeting my ex, I was able to surround myself with good people with strong identities who have zero tolerance for disrespectful and immoral behavior. So while I still don’t know if it was really abuse, I am starting to identify that these disrespectful behaviors are not something I want myself or anyone close to me to be around.
I guess that’s a start. And thanks again for posting the link.
“It doesn’t mean I have forgotten the things that have hurt me, but they hold far less weight and importance in my life…”
This speaks volumes to where I’m at right now. I can say I wasted a solid three months of holding onto the “blame game” before I found your blog. I spent way too much time and energy going over HIS actions and why He did this or that when it finally dawned on me that, yes, HE failed to treat me with love, trust, care and respect, but I put up with it. I allowed it to happen. I had a part in the disfunction also. I decided I can waste energy and keep the “security blanket” close to me or I can focus on why I was with an EUM and how not to do it in the future. THat is why I keep coming back to this site over and over to learn how to be in a healthy relationship, a healthy state of mind and also how to spot an unhealthy one and walk away before I get stuck in quicksand of a emotionally stunted man.
Thanks Nat…Job well done once again!!
Natalie never ceases to amaze me with her ability to express the bottom line, in a nutshell, what people are feeling and doing and the WHY behind those feelings and actions.
In this article she said two things that were very important: 1) holding on to the pain and anger is a way of staying CONNECTED to the person, and 2) the person contributed to our “baggage,” but they’re not the reason we continue to hold on to it.
I forwarded the article to some friends. Along these lines, it bears sharing with you all that I occasionally have posted links to some of Natalie’s articles to a group that I belong to and one woman whom I did not know recognized my picture and told me that one of the articles that I sent a link to helped her to get out of a bad relationship where she was “the fallback girl.” This is an older woman who had been stuck in that situation for years!
I am very thankful to Natalie for her continued insiteful and helpful articles.
@A.
“In this article she said two things that were very important: 1) holding on to the pain and anger is a way of staying CONNECTED to the person, and 2) the person contributed to our “baggage,” but they’re not the reason we continue to hold on to it.”
I totall agree. It’s very important to recognise these two points. I think I have always appreciated that stoking the fire of anger is fruitless and stultifying; I acknowledge that I do feel angry, that I will have surges of anger, but I hope that if I let it pass, do not act on it and do not feed into it that it will just burn out. I have never thought before of the idea that nursing the anger is way of staying connected – but I do see that now (very well put NML), it is exactly that, and is definitely what I have always done before and up until recently when I went for it with NC.
And number 2 is also a new way of looking at the baggage for me – you are right NML, they are not the reason we hold on to it. I think this is also tied into the difficulty of achieving closure, in that we tend to want ‘him’ to be part of that closure – we need the ‘de-brief and all that’ before we think we can close the door. Once we realise that we can get closure without his input we can also realise that neither do we need his ‘permission’ to put the baggage down! Mostly I think, for me anyway, I just have to realise that what is done is done and there is NOTHING I can do about it now. Knowing that is one thing, accepting it is harder.
Perhaps it can all be summed up with: there’s no point in crying (or raging) over spilled milk.
When I was in the second attempt of dating my ex and before his anger and temper really showed its true colors to me, I harbored this resentment toward him because after the first try, I didn’t really have the time to process that anger. I learned to work through that in order to be able to give what I had thought at the time was a second chance at the relationship. Unfortunately, this guy also harbored resentments toward me. Eventually, in our arguments, he started to bring up past hurts from months and months ago (being late, not being able to go to his friend’s party because I wasn’t very comfortable with Friday night outings in the first place), which he himself had said he was okay about and which I thought had been resolved….
Harboring resentments toward people do not a friendship/relationship/connection make. Seriously.
Once I figured something out. It was in regards to old hurts inflicted that I got angry/upset about every time I thought of them, and the resentment I carried because of them.
I realized that when I got really honest and ReAL with myself, most often i was pissed at MYSELF for having “let” it happen to me. For having trusted someone untrustworthy, for having ignored a red flag (or twelve), for having put myself in the position to be humiliated, hurt or rejected in the FIRST PLACE. There was nothing he could do to “fix” what had happened; nothing he said or did would take away the remaining anger/hurt/resentment…until I figured out it was myself i was mad at. Once I “got” that…well…I was able to sort thru a lot of old junk and baggage i was carrying and still use this trick now.
I think what you say is true. I’m nursing my own feelings of rejection after telling the AC not to call or text anymore. He’s honoring my wishes and now all I’m left with is self contempt.
I’m reeling from the embarrassment of this “so called” relationship and i’m pissed at myself for ever allowing another human being to treat me with utter disregard.
I have nothing to blame him for…he acted as he wanted and i allowed all of it. I could have left years ago.
One thing that helps is nowing that the problems didn’t start with the AC…it started way back in childhood. I can walk away from him now and all I have to deal with is my own self-inflicted punishment…it’s not easy but it definitely takes the control away from him and puts it back on me.
I might be incredibly angry with myself right now but I can live with taking the control back. I can do something with the control that is rightfully mine versus trying to change the dynamics of the “so called” relationship
I’ve moved on and let go.
Now life is basically blah.
No drama, no trauma, no pain. All of that is good.
I’ve relaced being an addict of EUM’s with being apathetic.
I’d be fine with never dating again since I don’t want kids anymore, and see no particular advantage to marriage at my age.
It’s a strange place to be.
I feel like I have much healthier boundaries than I ever used to, and a greater understanding of why my life turned out the way it has and my part in it.
But I don’t have a source of melting joy anymore.
In giving up the bad guys, I’ve also lost the few minutes of bliss because I’m not interested anymore, not even in a good guy.
So answer this one, Nat. How do you find your joy when having a relationship isn’t a goal, let alone a day to day reality?
In other words, how do you find it when you aren’t dating and it isn’t one of your priorities anymore?
We’re not talking about basically being comfortable with life.
We’re talking about the joy you feel when you have sex with someone you adore and have the hots for who has the hots for you. That chemistry. That sizzle. That thing that makes you feel alive and on top of the world.
Very curious what your answer will be, Nat.
Thanks 🙂
I liked your comment. Very spot on! What DO you do when the joy of hooking up with a person who may or may not treat you well goes poof? Assclowns/UM’s have a way of coloring your world black – long after they are gone. Good question. Looking faithfully for the answer from Nat.
Annie! You are a woman after my own heart. Thank God for that – I thought it was just me. I concur with everything you said.
Indeed! I’ve just met this guy who’s very sweet, chilled, bohemian, respectful, honest, no real issues, hasn’t made any of the weird, red flag comments that you usually get with ACs/EUMs, seems really decent and genuine, doesn’t play games, mess me about or push boundaries, seems to want to get to know me and takes an interest in my life. There’s no heart-thumping excitement though, even though i really like him and am attracted to him. On the other hand there is another guy i met, who is totally crazy, the kind of person who has no rules in life, anything goes, i can see he’s completely wrong for me, but with him there’s this amazing chemistry and passion. I can see, clear as day, that i’m more drawn to the ‘wrong’ guy. I guess this is the drama seeking, the ‘hooks’ and my own emotional unavailability rearing its head! Who in their right mind would want a lunatic over a decent guy? Obviously i’m not in my right mind yet!!
Great question Annie. I’m in the exact same boat. Sure life is so much easier without the extreme highs and lows of being with an unavailable man and I also have no particular desire to date again. Hopefully eventually the memory of great mind-blowing sex will also fade and normal everyday life will be enough without it.
Hi GTash,
I don’t know if I am being dillusional or just hoping for the best. Here’s what I think about giving up on the idea of mind blowing sex.
We have all mentioned that without our EUM’s our life is a steady stream of plainness lately, so to speak.
There are times where I am heading home on a Friday night, and I have no plans with anyone. This weird excitement comes over me like it did in the past when I had plans with my EUM on a friday night.
I use to feel excited about that because I had a companion, something to do for the evening, and I wasn’t alone, and well you know what else.
I asked myself what could I be excited for this evening? Its friday night, I am going to be alone, it is summer to top it off, and I am always out when it is summer?
I don’t know if it was because I didn’t have to deal with his pathetic lack of emotional unavalableness that I was happy to not have to endure. Or I just learned to enjoy my own company, but I was excited.
My speculation here is and I could be dead wrong. Is if I can get that excited just to be able to do what I wanted for the evening without any plans. I think we could have mind blowing sex with a new guy who isn’t full of drama just because it all is probably in our minds.
I mentioned in a post just above that I didn’t have chemistry with my EUM, however I was attracted to him.The sex felt great and it doesn’t feel great with everyone. I had a two year relationship with a man who I wasn’t attracted to and the sex was not great. I barely had common interests, compatibility, or chemistry with my ex. I have seen the difference between not having any of these factors in a relationship and I felt I was settling. I have lacked these things and have had decent sex and didn’t feel like I was settling, except for the emotional unavailableness part made me feel I was.
I think it felt great because I knew him for so long and we have a lot of fun together and closness. The sex could be a lot better with someone who is available and that is what I am looking for and hoping it is going to be mind blowing at times.
If we have a bond with someone, and they care about us truly deeply, and we share common values, I am hoping it will bring the mind, blowing intimacy and sex I have never had.
Here is to dreaming or making it a reality.
Hi Annie and the other responders of her post,
I am not Nat but I can just imagine what basis of what she would say to your question. She will add her own insight and all, I am sure.
However, about your curiousity as to what Nat is going to say to the comment of lacking melting joy and not having a desire for a relationship anymore, and such.
I can speculate based on her many posts.
She has mentioned numerous times how we have to find our own joy in life. Which means developing our own hobbies, interests and goals. She has said that these need to be in place whether you are single or in a relationship. Now this is common sense advice because before I found this blog, I had already thought of it and was doing it.
The reason I am answering your blog questions is because I had the same questions as you.I had to put what advice I think Nat would suggest to me to move on with my life. That’s what I do when I have a struggle. I read Nat’s old blogs to help me work out an obstacle I am having with moving on or new blogs.
Like your post says, I feel the way you do, and the way others feel that responded to you. Especially Minky, my fear is I will meet a good guy and be feeling no spark and be bored and frustrated. That life is either a drama fest with mr wrong or a dead zone with mr right.
Continuing on, Nat has mentioned in other posts that there is nothing wrong with being single. She is not for relationships, against them, more like pro choice.
I have an aunt who is Nun, litterally and so that would mean she has found meaning in life without a relationship ever. She has never had a boyfriend. She seems happy and fulfilled in life everytime I see her and she is in her 70’s so there is more to life then relationships.
No matter what we all have to learn how to be happy with ourselves which seems to be the general basis of Nat’s blogs. This is for the purpose of having a fulfilling life whether a man is in it or not. If the man leaves whether he is a healthy dude or not. We have fulfillment in our lives and won’t hold on as tight if it is an unhealthy relationship.
One of the biggest reasons we have all become fall back girls is because we don’t seek enough enjoyment for ourselves and our lives.
Remember or maybe you need to find old posts of Nats to learn. She is trying to get us to understand that relationships are not about Chemistry, Compatibility, or Common interests they are about shared values.
The closest example I can use is this. I was at girlfriends new place this summer. She is with a mr unavailable and I was telling her about Nat’s blog. Her new male roommate came closer to talk to us because he agreed with what I was saying. Then he turns to me and says yeah I hate it when a girl tells you she loves you and it is the first time your having sex with her. He says I mean really I have to tell her its just sex. Then he looks at me and says yeah can’t woman just understand it is just sex with no strings, I mean we are adults and can communicate that things don’t always have to come with commitment, like marriage is just a piece of paper.
I looked at him and responded. That may work for you but a marriage to me is not a piece of paper. After the guy I just got out of my life I want nothing to do with casual sex and I am going for full commitment before I give it up. So obviously him and I don’t share similar values now do we?
I remember telling a friend the thing I missed most about my EUM is us cooking dinner together.
Here is the weirdest thing to report about my EUM. I never felt sparks for him. I didn’t have chemistry with him or feelings like I have had for other wrong guys in my life. I argued with friends that I didn’t feel in love with him or compatible with him. We didn’t have that many common interests either. However, I grieved over him and I missed similar things that people have talked about on this site. We had a friendship, we talked all the time, he was physically available a lot, we hung out, and that was somewhat fufilling for me but not enough. I wanted to get rid of him so I could find someone I can have it all with. His emotional unavailableness really got to me and now I want to work through mine so I can attract mr available.
This did show me though that you can have a somewhat fulfilling relationship with someone without the chemistry, compatibility, and many common interests as Nat says. I say this because what was missing for me was the emotional availableness not those ingredients. In the beginning I really liked the place he was inviting me to every weekend which was near a lake. We were going to each others functions each weekend and I would do my own thing during the week usually by myself. On the weekends it was mine or his friends or both that would join us. I remember I was into a show and I would tell him and my friends what was going on each week. I was having a life outside of him and then with him. I was really happy for the most part. I didn’t know at the time it was the emotional unavailableness that was missing from myself and him, I just knew something bugged me,and now I know what it is.
I use to say to my friends that I find intimacy boring and I want to work through that because I want it in my life. I feel this last friendship had intimacy in it but not enough, but enough that even without the sparks I miss it now or it gave me a craving for it now but from someone who is available. I think this relationship taught me that sparks isn’t everything, availableness is. I now want intimacy and don’t view it as boring.
Another theme Nat says is relationships happen while people are living their lives. That is what happened to me, I was buried in my house because I was going to school. He found me and invited me out to things before I graduated which I had to always decline and after which is when I started to accept his invites. I know he and I didn’t work out to anything but he showed me other life lessons I needed to learn.
Not trying to take over for Natalie just know that’s what I am working on with this similar struggle.
This is a good question.
My solution: just because this AC is not in your life, does NOT mean your sexuality has to just stop! You have to find other outlets, expressions, ways of experiencing it. At least, that’s what I’ve learned.
A R with a man is an ASPECT of your sexual life but it doesn’t have to be the whole kit and kaboodle. You can be a sexual person and experience that joy in many many ways. If you depend ENTIRELY on a man or anyone else for that matter to bring joy into your life you’re going to be totally crushed when they go. You HAVE to reorganize your thinking so you flow with sexuality all the time, regardless of others.
Personally, I have to re-translate a lot of NML’s concepts about self-love this way. “Self-love” just doesn’t mean much to me, but being a sexual person DOES, and that is the most important thing I have learned lately: just because you’re not with someone or not attached to someone or some guy is no longer around, does not deprive you of your sexuality. It was a great thing to learn, at least for me.
Losing your sexuality SUCKS. It’s horrible and painful. That’s why you never ever give it away or attach it completely to one PERSON! It’s YOURS!
Natalie,
Thanks for this one. It reminded me of a track on the CD “Celestial Navigations” by Geoffrey Lewis, “The Valley”, about leaving the baggage behind. (If you listen to the CD, be aware that the belief revisionism of “The Janitor” and the snark of “Space Princess” are just for fun.)
Your article tells me exactly what I need to hear. However, I don’t know how to let go of my hurt and pain, I want to so bad, it is affecting every aspect of my life in a negative way, but I can’t seem to let go. I will be so good with NC (we have a child, so really, we do have some contact, I try to avoid taking his calls unless absolutely necessary).My ex husband EUM, who cheated on me 3 months into our marriage with many women, now has claimed the reason he did not want to work on our marriage was because I kept bringing up what he did, telling him how hurt I was, and crying and carrying on about it, reminding him at every opportunity how bad he hurt me. I was so good all summer long with NC, and now that he has told me that bit of information, I feel back at square one in the grieving process and my anger and hurt have increased a thousand fold. I’ve tried counseling, it has not worked for me, only coming to Baggage Reclaim helps, but with that said, I don’t know how to let go…I mean can someone explain? I want to let go so badly and move on.
Stefanie….it just takes time but time isn’t the healer its what you do with the time. Give counseling another shot you deserve to be happy and healthy and child needs you to be too.
And don’t let anyone tell you what your time frame should be. Naturally your ex doesn’t want to be reminded of what he did because then he’ll have to own it. He’s now turning the tables and making you out to be the bad guy for his behavior.
You are not to blame and have every right to cry, yell, say what you like. You are the injured party and he’s damn lucky if you ever talk to him again.
For him to be so insensitive and callous to you should be a wake up call for you. You deserve better and so does your child.
Keep the NC going. Take care of yourself and your little one.
He’s trying to draw you back into that unhealthy pattern. He makes you responsible for his betrayals and emotional abusiveness, you get outraged, and he looks sane as you become a raging monster. Don’t take the bait. Don’t respond to that nonsense just stay on the topic of your child. Work the anger and frustration out with a therapist instead. It won’t go away overnight. Emotional abuse takes quite a while to get over. Just know you are on the right track.
@Stefanie.
He “has claimed the reason he did not want to work on our marriage…:”
He is not “claiming” he is blaming. It is not “new information”; it’s a load of made-up bullshit. Don’t listen to him – he wants to blame you for his own inadequecies (what he’s really saying is just another version of the narcissist’s stock phrase – ‘look what you made me do now’!). Don’t give him anymore ‘talking space’ with you – he’s playing with you and trying to ‘wreck your head’ so he can avoid facing up to who and what he really is (it’s always someone else’s fault with these people!)
Good luck.
Hello Natalie,
Thanks for your great post, and for all the others you have done, and how helpfull they have been in helping me slowly move forward with trying to get my life back.
I have had my fair share of pain and hurts,that have travelled with me in and out of relationships,holding me back just as you mentioned they do.The EUM in my life has certainly had a lot to do with my current hurt, and i am trying to break free and reach my potential. With your help and the help of your readers, I hope to achieve that goal as soon as possible.
Thanks.
Shez
I chose to forgive the lying AC since my anger and resentment towards him had reached a point that i noticed was hurting me more than I was comfortable with. I felt tortured by my emotions, the intense sadness, anger, thoughts of revenge, etc. I realized nothing I could do and nothing he could say or do would change what happened and I decided to forgive him for my own benefit. He never asked for it or showed any remorse for hurting me so much.
I have to remember that I have forgiven him when my mind wants to go back and dwell on the hurt and pain. I do not excuse him by forgiving him. Through my faith in God I know that i needed to embrace forgiveness and it’s not easy to do that, but once I did I felt a burden lift from my heart and since then I have had more good days than bad days. It still hurts but i am moving forward.
Well I thought that I had worked through everything and was alright with it. The reality is I am holding on to far too many hurts from the past
involving my childhood and most relationships that I have had over the years. (My parents are experts in stressing me out, although I am getting better at dealing with them).
I must try this to reduce my baggage and move on with my life.
Thank you, I needed to read this post. Good luck with the workshop, it’s about time this kind of advice was available.
x
This has been such a long hard road. Letting go is accepting that your life is about to completely change. It is more than letting go of him, it is also letting go of the future you envisioned (or were promised), letting go of your daily habits with them, letting go of someone in your bed at night, letting go of that phone you counted on ringing, of your time being occupied, cooking dinner together, waking up together, the feeling of relief (and dread) when you see his car pulling in the driveway, and the occasional validation that could change your whole day. It is letting go of the life you just had. New life, stripped and unknown right in your lap before you can even say “wait, I’m not ready yet”. It is like the whole world changes all at once and you’ve become a stranger in the life that is now your new reality. It is hard to feel heart broken and rejected but to feel the loss of all the familiarity in your life like you’ve just been plopped out on a new planet leaves you feeling overwhelmed with “where the hell am I?” It is hard to see through the wide open space and see the benefits of where you have just found yourself. Change is hard. Harder than staying and being abused. I know that sounds like the most backwards thing, but it was harder for me to leave then stay, even though he was destroying me. I finally left but it was so hard and weirdly traumatic. The withdrawal I felt has got to be close to what a drug addict feels when they quit. Change was the only thing left for me. The unfamiliar life I’m in now is becoming less and less like a hollow and anguished dream and more of a quiet comfort. Life is in my hands again. Working out the WHY “I” gave him so much power is my new goal. Figuring out why HE chose to treat me the way he did is futile. There is no way I can understand his dysfunction. Plus when you really think about it…..why do I need to know why he is an ass and a coward? How is that going to help my life? It is still just putting the focus on him and is exactly like Natalie says “a way to say connected”. Letting go is hard, hard work and means you have to face yourself straight on. Disentangle him from your perception of yourself. You have the power. It is such an strange thing for me to believe about myself, that even after we broke up I still gave him power in my life, and he wasn’t even asking for it anymore. WHAT? That vision of myself makes me want to change.
Great article! You always put it in a context that makes it easier for us to understand. Thank you.
Call me Linus (Peanuts) because that was surely me. 😐 Although I still have a way to go, I’ve come a VERY long way. It IS freeing. It IS relieving. It IS good. And I’m glad to have gotten as far as I have because it was surely to my detriment.
I don’t know what will happen if I meet someone new; I’ve not been in a relationship for quite a long time and my fears will likely rear their ugly Medusa heads. But I hope that if I DO meet someone worthy enough, that I can recognize my baggage, be open with the person so that I can put the baggage away, and (if he’s worthy) let the new pilot guide me through with just a carry-on. 😉
Wow! Were you a fly on the wall at my flat this weekend?! I had a bit of a meltdown over stuff to do with my mother and I realised how much I have buried but retained for many many years.
The truth is, she IS the reason behind many of the insecurities I have but I am an adult now and I can be rational about them. Just recognising it is enabling me to separate myself from the past. I also managed to deal with it much quicker than I have done before.
The good news is, I have definitely overcome my fear of commitment and have found a very loving, trusting and secure relationship with a really lovely man. Unfortunately he was witness to the meltdown but he has been so patient and kind about it that I am finally starting to realise that I am not a terrible person who will be abandoned at the first sign of not being perfect.
Thank you Natalie!!!!
Natalie – a brilliant and timely post. I have processed the anger and thought I had moved on. I was able to go long stretches without thinking about him, could see him at work and feel nothing but I noticed there was often a running monologue in my head, replaying the same thoughts over and over. Rehashing the hurt, having the conversations with him I never got to have, getting to tell my side of it, thinking about him when I travelled. I had gotten rid of the anger but not the hurt. I am hanging on to the security blanket (a perfect analogy) of him – he keeps me company, gives me something to think about. Another reader talked about missing the drama and the high and that’s part of it – without him as a focus, my life seems empty and flat. I know I am supposed to fill it up with me and good people and I am working on that but nothing healthy is ever going to match the drama of life with an assclown. I have often wondered if I really miss him, the idea of him or just have gotten into a very bad habit of thinking about him and the relationship literally for something to do. We have now been broken up longer than we were together and it’s feeling a little ridiculous to still be thinking about it, to still be ignoring him at work and all that. I feel nothing romantic towards him and expect or want nothing from him. But I still give him power, in some way. I know he is not thinking about me, yet I continue to waste brain power on him. It is a bad crutch, an unhealthy security blanket and one I would like to put down. I have done so much work on me and I thought I had so many times already. I have made the conscious decision to forgive and move on, but still it comes back. I have tried breaking the thoughts as they come, even doing the elastic band on the wrist trick for a while to see if I could snap myself out of it. I want to get rid of this last lingering piece. Occassionally, I tell myself its because there is still something to be learned from the relationship, that I haven’t gotten all my lessons yet, but am starting to think that might just be justification for maintaining the bad habit. Could it be that we hold on because there is still more to learn? How can you tell what is healthy processing of alot of deep emotion and complex problems and what is just a bad habit?
I love what you wrote about holding on is just another way of staying connected – so true. I suspect this is at the root of my inability to totally and finally let it go. My ac keeps my mind occupied and replaying all the hurt and the bad stuff is just a way of holding on to him a bit longer. However, some of it is still working things through. Because I was so illusion driven in the relationship, I am still stripping away layers of denial and am still having epiphanies about the real nature of the relationship and that is helpful. I rushed at first to get past the anger and forgive but it was forced and too soon. I hadn’t really come to terms with what had actually happened, only my overly romanticized version of it. I don’t want to hold on to hurt (I have done that in past relationships, I now realize, and it has been very detrimental). But I have learned that forcing it or rushing it doesn’t work either, you just end up not processing things properly. I used to think denial was for cowards or the deluded but I have learned that everyone, to some extent or another, uses denial to protect themselves from the things they are not yet ready to face. I have been deep in denial for many years and it isn’t something that goes away overnight. While I normally support everything you say and write, I am not sure I agree with the idea that just deciding to put the anger and hurt aside is necessarily the best advice for everyone in every situation. Sometimes it takes some of us longer to process things than others. Trying to rush to healing in the name of “moving on” can do more harm than good. Its learning to recognize the difference between obsessing and holding on and allowing yourself time to fully heal and deal with very difficult issues. A tough call, and I appreciate the post on that level.
Brilliantly shared. Thank you.
I was managing okay with N/C. Good days and bad days. I’ve just found out that my ex AC has thrown a lavish party for his new girlfriends 21st birthday (he’s 64!) and plans to marry her. Its really hard not to feel angry and hurt – in our 15 month ‘relationship’ he never bought me so much as a bunch of flowers and later insisted he didn’t want committment – after asking me to marry him! He hasn’t tried to contact me and I certainly won’t contact him. I know I’m better off on my own, but the hard part is realising that he doesn’t give any thought to me any more and that I meant nothing. Its hard to deal with that. How can these ACs move on so quickly without even a goodbye, an explanation or an apology? Just having a bad day today!
I’m so sorry that you’ve received a punch in the gut like this. Bear in mind though, he said he was going to marry you and didn’t – he’s not going to marry this girl either, believe me. He’s throwing her a party, but she is a lot younger than him, so he has to up the ante with her to keep her interested. This won’t last and she will end up feeling just like you eventually.
ACs move on because they’re not in touch with their emotions – they only think about themselves, they have nothing to offer anyone. I for one wouldn’t want to be that kind of person, would you? I kind of appreciate my hurt and pain – it separates me from the emotionless animals!
Shattered –
I agree with Minky. I have to say I almost pissed myself when I read your post because she is 25!!!!! He is 64!!!! That is really comical. He HAS to buy her flowers and throw her a party. He will only do that for a while…until he “thinks” he has her. Don’t you think she is in it for other reasons? Is he rich??
This was good to read, though painful. Part of the grieving process and letting go seems to include adjusting to the fact (accepting) that the reality never met up to the potential–or the promise that the guy appeared to be making. Until he couldn’t keep up appearances any longer…