Here is something for you to ponder this weekend: When you imagined being happy in a relationship, is this what it felt like?
If you’re not in a relationship but you’re still hurting over someone, is what you experienced what being happy in a relationship seems like to you? I don’t just mean the good times but the relationship in its entirety.
I can tell you from personal experience that while I have been in relationships and dated people where the fact that I had someone gave me a level of happiness, I can assure you that I wasn’t actually happy. By that I mean a sense of wellness and contentment, liking and loving myself, not feeling agitated, confused, afraid, experiencing joy, but also experiencing the steadiness of life and love.
Happiness isn’t about just experiencing fleeting highs and you can’t expect life to be one big ‘ole long passionate fairy tale. If you experienced deep passion every day, it would all get vanilla. Conversely though, if you don’t want to end up being proverbially sick in your mouth, you can’t live your life like a constant ride on the big dipper. Happiness requires consistency. Real intimacy in relationships gets created by being able to co-exist and share in each others lives and experiences. It’s important to address the stuff in between which makes up the bread and butter of the relationship by giving the relationship consistency, but also the stuff on the other side of it, the lows. Too many lows are difficult to cancel out and be happy. You shouldn’t ignore red flags etc because you’re actually limiting your happiness.
Lots of people that read this blog experience fleeting highs by even more frequent lows – extremes. It’s hot and cold, moderately hot vs tepid and so on.
Those fleeting highs are what some people call passion but if you only experience it for a few minutes, hours, days of the year and the rest of the relationship is woeful, why go to extremes with the glass is half full mentality and dine off the those crumbs?
There are various levels of happiness and as well as experiencing highs, it’s good to be able to derive happiness out of the day to day existence. If you get panicky because you’re not experiencing high drama and passion day in day out, you’ll write off your relationships, create drama, or seek pleasure and excitement elsewhere.
If you ask yourself what happiness in a relationship means to you and you think of your ex or your current ‘partner’, have an honest conversation with yourself and ask whether you are truly happy? If not, why does happiness look like your ex or your current partner? You’re contradicting yourself.
When I imagine happiness, I actually see a number of things. ‘The boyf’, the kids, things I derive pleasure from such as my work and interactions, friends, family, my interests, liking and loving myself, feeling content, being confident, etc. All of these things together contribute to my ‘happiness pool’. If when you look at your happiness pool you only see one person or the silhouette of a person you’d like to fill the slot, you’re putting all of your eggs in one basket and limiting your opportunity to be happy.
Don’t make someone the sole source of your happiness or your reason for being.
When you’re happy you have boundaries.
When you’re happy you care for yourself and are cared for.
When you’re happy, you recognise when people and experiences detract from you because you don’t feel good.
When you’re happy, you understand that you’re happy and don’t second guess it.
When you experience happiness, you’re able to understand when you are unhappy.
When you experience happiness, it is actual happiness, not pseudo happiness tinged with anxiety and pain.
Being happy lets you respect yourself and commands that others treat you with respect.
Being happy means that you don’t spend your time and energies on a validation quest because you do the bulk of your own validation.
Being happy doesn’t feel like pain.
Being happy doesn’t come at the expense of your self-esteem.
Being happy lets you love yourself and love others.
Being happy lets you take a leap of faith because you have a foundation of enough information about the person and the situation.
Being happy lets you trust yourself and trust others, but not trust blindly.
Happiness is something you can make on your own.
You will struggle to experience happiness if you always seek it in external experiences and other people.
You cannot be personally happy and experience true happiness if you don’t learn to like and love yourself.
Happiness requires an openness of emotions and a willingness to put yourself out there otherwise you will experience limited happiness.
When you limit your ability to be happy, it’ll be like you have a cap on things and when you try to be happy, it will feel like you’re being held back. You’ll feel unsure, you’ll feel anxious, you’ll question the validity of your happiness and you won’t just be able to let things be. You may also limit your happiness by also making your capacity and ability for happiness dependent on others, which can create co-dependent relationships plus have you feeling miserable when you’re single.
When you limit your potential for happiness, you make undeserving people your only option and then wonder why you’re not happy.
Happiness is something to be experienced now. It’s not something you put off for the future by saying that you’ll suffer the pain of grafting in a difficult relationship in the hope that the gamble will pay off and the reward will feel worth it.
Why would you put off being happy? Do you want to be one of those people that places their happiness on others, makes excuses for why they can’t be happy and then gets stuck in a rut, engaging in relationship insanity which is carrying the same baggage, beliefs, and attitudes and choosing same people, different package and then expecting different results? Or do you want to wake up one day and realise that life has passed you by while you’ve been running on the spot hoping that everything else will change around you.
It makes sense to ask yourself if someone is making you unhappy, why are you working so hard to try to get them to make you happy for you to muster up happiness in the relationship?
If you’re in a relationship where you’ve experienced happiness about 10% of the time, isn’t it a crazy use of your energy to try to get them to make you happy all the time?
I once had someone tell me that other than fleeting days here and there, the last time she’d felt happy was in the first first 8 months of the relationship. I asked how long she had been in the relationship – over 8 years! Using the beginning as a basis, she wanted to experience that happiness all of the time. This meant she spent 92% of her time trying to re-experience what she did in 8% of the relationship! The mathematics of that relationship just don’t work out!
If you align yourself with a less than partner, you’re limiting your potential for happiness and you have to wonder why you’re surprised at their ineptness when you’ve actually chosen that partner because of their inadequacies and their inadequacies are being what they’re supposed to – inadequate. This is why I stress the importance of not selling yourself short because in aligning yourself with poor partners, it is you who ultimately, not them, that sells you short.
Don’t limit your happiness or the potential for it by cluttering up your life with fear, dubious partners, excess baggage and an unwillingness to do what it takes and put yourself out there to experience real positive change and happiness. Of course you can keep doing the same thing but you’ll keep getting the same results no matter how much you wish otherwise – just remember that those limitations are of your own doing. Don’t put off being happy by banking on someone else or a barely there/dubious relationship or an ex that’s long left the building. Make sure that every day you’re making genuine efforts to be happy and deriving your happiness from a variety of sources. That way, if something goes awry, you always have options and sources of happiness.
If you’d like some help with working out your beliefs, check out my free workbook, Get Out of Stuck. Also check out my ebooks Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and others at my bookshop.
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I’ve been learning this on my own during my struggle to free myself from my EUM. It’s nice to come here and get this validated. There is a lot of strength in discovering this, ladies.
Thank you! I learned a long time ago that it stands to reason that if the one thing you think can make you happy (a man) doesn’t actually make you happy, that it’s time to look beyond that and at least question the quality of that source of happiness.
Your happiness list is on point. I especially agree with not seeking validation from other people to find “happiness” within yourself.
I stopped seeking validation from people a long time ago because no matter how much you try, they’ve already made up their minds about you and who you are as a person. No amount of convincing in the world is going to make them budge. Besides, it isn’t up to other people to decide what kind of person you are.
And you’re right, you show people that you care about yourself when you have boundaries. This is HUGE. A lot of women set a part of themselves aside to please their men and what they don’t get is that they are chipping away at their self-respect. It’s hard to be appreciated when you allow yourself to be taken for granted.
Very powerful post.
THanks. One of the best gifts I gave to myself was boundaries. They taught me to treat myself with respect and I expected it as a base from others. We must have limits to what we’ll put up with. If we don’t, we’ll certainly be miserable
A thoughtful post and a nice tie in with all the recent articles. The first part has me thinking: when I think about being happy in a relationship, what does it look like? Have I ever really had it with anyone I have been with? Do I know what healthy and happy relationships look like? If so, why did I try so hard for so long to force someone who didn’t care for me to try and give me that?
I guess it all comes back to the models our parents created for us. My parents were cold, withholding, undemonstrative, argumentative and punishing, with each other and with us kids. I have seen a few, seemingly happy marriages throughout my life, mostly as an adult. However, it can be very hard to know what really goes on when people are alone.
When you connect this post with the one about having options, I start to see some of my bad patterns, such as believing every relationship has to be made to work, rather than seeing if someone is right for me. I don’t know that I ever consciously thought that my liking someone meant I felt they owed me the same in return but it seems like I have been living that idea.
Over the past four months, I have come to realize how much of my life I have been sleepwalking through. I have been reacting to my life, rather than living it. I have often avoided making choices, and simply taken whatever comes along as a given, rather than deciding if it benefits me or not. Mostly, I have been silently but insidiously thinking badly about myself, believing I should take what I get, rather than thinking I deserve more. Waking up to these thoughts has helped but clearly much more work needs to be done to actually break the cycle and replace all the negative patterns with healthy ones.
When things ended with the AC, I thought my life had hit a low point. One of the best things I can honestly say is that, months later, I have begun to feel happy. Not the raging highs I briefly felt when things were going well with him but just a quiet contentment with myself and a genuine appreciation of having my recaptured my peace of mind. I have replaced the endless drama of the relationship with the business of rediscovering myself and I have enjoyed it. Maybe this is what happiness feels like.
@Sule
Just wanted to say thank you for your candid, vulnerable honesty in your post. Go girl!! There is something to that peaceful happiness – it’s nice. When I first encountered I thought at first it was boring, but lived it for quite sometime – off and on. It’s soo much nicer than the drama of highs and lows that come with an unhealthy relationship. YEAH!!
Hi Aimee, when you’re programmed for drama, being peaceful is bound to feel boring especially if you derive comfort from the drama signposts. As you discovered it takes patience and perseverance plus you have to be willing to remember where you’ve been before as a reminder to avoid relationship insanity.
Ditto what Aimee said. You summed it up beautifully and I completely identify with the “sleepwalking through” life, “avoided making choices”…”simply taken whatever comes along”.
I’ve learned so much over the years and yet it only recently dawned on me that my needs are every bit as important as any man I choose to be with. There is a mutual respect that has to take place on both sides. I’m not sure when i learned that I was the “heavy” in life and that i HAD to tread lightly so as not to inconvenience anyone…but those days are gone! I’m glad to hear that you’ve reached that contentment / peaceful place…I’m starting to rest there myself and it does feel great.
Hi Metsgirl. Your needs are indeed equally important and anything less disrespects your own needs and has you placing too much emphasis on them. It’s distorted. You’re not an inconvenience at all and make sure that from now on, you don’t act like it. You are just as valid and worthy x
@Sule What a lovely comment. You’re finding peace within yourself and I can totally relate to that feeling. I’d take consistent peace and well being over fleeting highs followed plenty of pain. The trouble with people with AC behaviours is we mistake the fleeting behaviours as hints of what they could be. However they can’t be like this all the time, most of the time or even half the time. Keep focused on the business of loving yourself.
Can anyone help me please? I have read lots on here, and it all makes sense, but I can’t seem to translate it into my actions and I am ashamed that I broke No Contact. I met a guy online and he gradually changed from pursuing me to nitpicking, playing mind games, accusing me of doing things that HE was doing. He had to control everything. Eventually, he said he just wanted to be friends and instead of telling him where to go, I accepted that. I don’t know why, except I have nil self-esteem, yet my friends and family keep telling me that all the things he says are not true. They can’t believe that I look like I have no pride. Even as a “friend”, he shouts at me and only wants to speak if he contacts me. He says he needs to keep me at arms length, but when I have told him to let me go, he doesn’t. I am now in a situation where he has left stuff at my house, but twice in the last week, he has lost his temper with me because he thinks I have made fun of him, when I haven’t. He apologised and said he would call me today because he knows it is a painful anniversary for me – (death of my father). He did not call, and I stupidly called him. His phone was off. Now I feel even more stupid and ashamed. I have a loving family (who are increasingly concerned about the way I am) and brilliant friends (who can’t understand why i can’t let him go). I just don’t know what to do next ….
Hi Alibi,was just posting and noticed your message.
Keep strong but I think you seriously need to go into No Contact mode. The guy you describe sounds like a nutjob and noone deserves to be shouted at,wrongly accused or made to jump to his demands like you seem to think you have to…Your friends and family are right. However,sad thing is,until you see it you will leave a chink in your armour open for this AC to get to you through. Stay on the site. Your self esteem has become low because of how he is treating you…you need to build it up again. Love to you Les xxx
Thanks for this. Right now, I am sitting here just crying and staring into space, I can’t get much lower. I know now I would stick by NC – but what happens with all the stuff he has in my house? One item is really expensive (and very large – ie can’t post it). I could not let anyone else I know deal with this, because I fear what would happen as a result. They all hate him … I just don’t know what to do.
Alibi…pack up what you can of his and if you need to have someone else deliver it to him. As far as whatever is the large expensive thing give him a date to get it out of your house or have it removed, make sure you have someone else you trust there when he comes to get it. The go into strict NC mode.
Honey you sound like someone really in need of some counselling. You’re depressed and its hard to get above that by ourselves. Hopefully you can find someone to talk to who is objective because as we all know our family/friends aren’t. They care but they aren’t objective.
I struggled with NC for months and months before it really started to kick in but it does work. Be good to yourself.
Hi Alibi,
Tell him to come and get his stuff and be done with it. He is extremely abusive and sounds dangerous. I had a guy like that in my life many moons ago and with him NC was the only answer. I got him to come and get his stuff and no matter what he tried I told him it is over and I didn’t look back. Remind yourself that no one and I mean no one deserves to be yelled at like he has at you. Just realize that there are trillions out there better than that. Once I left that abusive AC I have never attracted another abusive man in my life like that since. GET AWAY FROM HIM HE IS NOT EVEN A TYPICAL EUM WHO SIMPLY ISN”T EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE THIS GUY IS HORRIBLE.
Alibi
a suggestion: Get his stuff moved out of your house – to somewhere else that he could get if from – anywhere else, just somewhere away from you, so that you don’t need to deal with it and he doesn’t need to come near you to get it. Let him pick it up from another location, and get the hell away from this using, abuser – he is NO friend of yours; he means you no good. And do not feel the need to explain yourself to this guy – you owe him nothing. You sound like you need some emotional support at this time (it’s not easy to deal with all of this by yourself) – you are vulnerable to this guy and his advances; think abut where some support might be available to you (a good friend, even, that will support you 100%) and get to it asap to help you through this.
Choose you!! All the best x
Just saw this comment and I really wouldn’t remove your options and make yourself the sole dealer of this. You don’t need to. Let your friends and family help you because it’s either that or the police… Fear means it’s not happening yet. You actually have no idea what could or would happen because you haven’t tried and at the end of the day, your family and friends are there to help you and if you explain what has been happening, they’re hardly going to make your life MORE difficult. They want him out of your life.
Alibi this is an abusive relationship, including the friendship. If you rely on him making the decision to let you go, he will toy with you like a cruel person jabbing a wounded animal with a stick. If you are struggling to cut contact and not taking sanctuary with your family and friends who are clearly concerned about you, I would also consider speaking to a counsellor because abusive people do know how to dig their claws into your psyche. But you must cut contact immediately and I would tell your friends and family. I would also take on board other commenter’s suggestions for his stuff. Ensure that there is a deadline and in fact, you could have a stronger friend or family member take the stuff and he can get it from their garage by a certain date or it goes to the charity shop. I think under these circumstances where you are dealing with an abusive person, avoiding all contact with him and getting help of loved ones is imperative. If you have any further questions please use the contact page. Hugs Natalie
Thank you to all for your support. I have read it all, and I so wish I had been stronger and not broken the NC rule – simply because I actually FELT SORRY for him for a while! He had a troubled childhood, and has very few people in his life, whereas mine is full of friends – I know I don’t need him in my life. My only worry is that he will KNOW that I am unnerved now because HE is the one to have cut contact on what was a painful anniversary for me. I am shaking at the thought of speaking to him and he was trying to isolate me from my family, so they never even met him. I know I need to address the issue of his stuff, but if I try to contact him – he won’t answer, so I will be left dangling waiting to see if he approaches me. The worst thing is – I don’t know what I have done wrong. Last week, he was as high as a kite, really happy and planning a new career. He also said that we would always be friends, and he would never treat me badly….!! I’m sorry if this is incoherent, but I can’t believe how out of hand this has got. I am not frightened of him physically, but I just don’t know why he has done this and I can’t get it out of my head. My friends and family are convinced he has a personality disorder, despite him constantly telling me that I am the one with the problem. I am waiting for counselling but it could be months, and I need to resolve this .
@Alibi
Stop all contact now!! Period!! Don’t roll it around in your head anymore – this is his sh*t. Once you get away you will see your part – which is why you tolerated this bozo in the first place and continued! Look up the word projection – he’s projecting his crap onto you – quit buying it!!
My mom was a battered woman, I was too long ago, plus my mother worked with battered women in the States – batterers always try to alienate you from your friends and family – that way they have even MORE control over you.
Please for your sake – physically and mentally – GET OUT AND STOP CONTACT! Love and hugs! Aimee
Finding happiness & peace of mind really is what each of us are striving for. Seeking validation from my AC…after going NC- he would call 25 times a day after I told him to leave me alone & never call again, leaving letters in my mailbox [two I took out, then he left 4 more before he figured out I wasn’t going open, read or take them out of my mailbox]. I ran into Walmart one day to come out & find a box of chocolates & card on my windshield wiper. Dozen roses delivered to my house. This went on for 4 months. I blocked his # from my phone, but then he would go to a pay phone & leave messages on my answering machine telling me he wanted to get engaged, commit to each other (HELLOOO- I WAS committed for 4 years!!!), begging, pleading. Told me he would treat me like a queen, how he would start taking me to every social event (I couldn’t even get him to go to the park with me & throw horseshoes.). When the roses came I took them to the Co. Attorney & plopped them down on the desk & told them to keep them. They filed criminal harrassment charges against him. He finally got that & the nonsence finally stopped. Is that the validation that I was looking for? In a way I guess, but guess what- it didn’t make me feel any better. My point: if you are seeking validation, don’t bother. Getting validation from an AC doesn’t help your self-esteem. I’m learning to love myself, enjoy being with myself & got plenty of projects started to stay content. I’ve dated a few guys since, & thanks, Nat for all the great advice, because when I see the red flags now, I don’t waste one more min. of my precious time.
PAB, this is a fantastic comment that really confirms exactly why NC is absolutely imperative in these situations and that it is not designed to provoke the person into being a better human being; its there to flush them out. You are done and nothing he did unless you like drama and getting attention was of any use to you. What a dysfunctional and disrespectful person he is. He had his chance and he blew it and you shouldn’t have to cut someone off to bring out their decent side. I assure you if you had gotten back together, he would have been back to his usual self. Kudos to you – I’m very proud of you!
*UPDATE
I just had to share that I recd a email on FB from this girl that had been with my EX AC when he pulled his disappearance! Ladies she told me everything that had gone on…it was so much more than I thought. Turns out he left me, tried to reunite with his wife, moved back in with her, then began dating another girl on the side. For months he two timed them and gave most of the same speeches and excuses that he said to me. She contacted his wife after they broke up 2 wks ago and his wife then told her about me!! I cannot even tell you what it feels like to confirm the truth!!
He claimed his wife had cheated on him, His Wife told this Other Woman that he yelled at her that he was going to “go out and try to find women to hurt” to get back at her for her cheating! The feeling that I had that he did this on purpose was also true, it felt intentionally punishing!
Ladies listen to your gut ALWAYS. Mine was right all along. It was so hard to convince my heart this guy was a complete lie. She is heart broken, his wife is sick and he is kicked out! and I am over it!! I can’t believe the turn of events. I feel so liberated by this info, but need to get checked by a doc now…who knows with him!!? I feel like this just proves everything NML posts is very accurate, we need to take the advice seriously. Someday you may come to find it will save you from a huge mistake or you will instantly be able to spot the AC in any room!
I confirmed my theory that he is a narcand has some kind of personality disorder, he needs help, hopefully HE will get it. I leave him behind in the dust, satisfied with the truth of it. Had to share will you all the end of the story.
Jubilee, it’s good to hear that you’ve validated your gut and keep listening to it. I would also now that you have heard from this woman cease contact with her. You don’t need to know anything else and you don’t want to be drawn into anything as she seems to be needing to do a ringaround. Also yes he might have a personality disorder, but he might not. He may just be an asshole. He may also need help but if he is that much of a liar, I doubt he’ll get it. Let him be someone else’s problem.
Great advice, everyone should stop by this post once in a while. Namaste. 😉
Thank you!
I agree with the steadiness in relationships wholeheartedly,this site reminds us of the importance of consistency in action not just the shallow happiness that comes from raunchy sex,or smaltzy texts, hollow words of love. I’ve just come out of a dating experience that promised much but delivered much less and I’m sitting here tonight thinking of how I was’shoring’ it up,telling myself I was happy when in fact I was losing a sense of self esteem…
This article set me on a path of analysis of that…the guy involved seemed to run about crazy trying to make me happy,telling me what lengths he was going to to please me,how busy he was,substituting nice places,arty stuff etc for deeper conversation,long walks,sharing values. He did this kind of thing with all the women he had been with I suspect. As NML has written, a sort of future fakery was present in much of it. He would mention a future context for us and somehow I felt wary,too glib,as if he’d promised all these things to many others before.He stressed himself out doing it!
I wanted to get to know him. He was an interesting clever man. That…was not on the table however. A barrier rose imperceptibly like a border crossing.
Even in our most intimate moments, eye contact was difficult and I do wonder now if women before me noticed this too…a distance between the person they are with during the times when you should be most connected. It saddened me utterly and caused me to question myself.I also felt wholly sad for him. He seemed terrified to be himself.
Did he ever know or realise he did this?What chance of happiness?
Simple happiness can be being with someone without talking,an unexpected hug or someone realising you’re tired or down or sore.
I realise now that we should not waste chances of happiness on emotionally unavailable people,however cleverly they dance for us and that the contrivances of relationships,the smoke,mirrors,party tricks can be masquerading true simple happiness and chances for growing commitment. This site confirms to me continuously what I can,and should deserve in relationships. No compromise to my expected future happiness,alone or with someone else….thanks Natalie.
Hi Lesley. It’s odd because last night I was at a party where the woman described an incredibly similar experience to you. Their guys behaviour was too glib, too fast, too everything and she didn’t feel she could get to know him because he was too busy doing stuff that he thought would impress instead of letting things be and being himself. People kept telling her not to be too picky but she stopped ignoring her gut and listening to herself because she didn’t like how she felt around him. Your guy sounds very insecure and I’m not sure he knows who he is. If only he’d relaxed and just been himself, but he may not know what that is. Keep taking care of you and listening to yourself and always go for steadiness and consistency x
Thanks Natalie,I’ll mourn it for a while yet but your site also helped me in coming away from ‘the addiction of fixing…’people only change if they want to. I think he may have discovered a niche, a way of living that gets him through, unhealthy on my terms but ultimately not my business.Sadly physically unhealthy on his, re mounting blood pressure etc…
On another note I wondered if you’d ever considered doing an article on the ‘non -verbals’ within relationships.For example this guy was always in a hurry, like the hounds of hell pursuing him,walked ten paces to my three,eye contact difficult. I felt ‘abandoned’ during meaningful conversations,sex,moments when he would withdraw eye contact. I feel it’s so relevant to many womens’ situation. The guy can say the words,take you to beautiful places,be technically proficient in bed but we detect this lack of connection?
Personally it’s a deal breaker for me. Leakage as to whats really occuring in relationship…
I do wonder though if some of us, and I ‘ve been there… put up with it..?
The non verbal signage of the EUM. Would love if you’d put your insightful brain to an article re this? Lesx
Agreed! After the aftermath of the Ex A/C it took me a long time to getting back my own happiness within my life and myself. I’ve now started seeing a “normal” guy who I would have not looked twice at in the past and written him off as being boring! With thanks to your site I now recognise a good man when I see one instead of confusing anxiety, fear and the ups and downs with passion. And, it feels good!
Amen Vixen! I know your experience very well. It’s a good place to be!
I’ve read on another site a lawyer saying what to do in this situation. First, ask him to come pick it up. If he does not in a time frame reasonable, to you, then you can draft a certified letter giving him a deadline then letting him know his stuff will no longer be available. I would research the details of all this, especially in your state. Don’t let this deter you or be an excuse to keep contacting him. There are so many guys out there ready and willing to suck the life out women; I don’t know how they are created and why they exist. They just do, and it’s not our job to figure them out.
It’s been about a year and a half since I got out of an awful situation; I can’t even call it a relationship. And I feel fine, better than fine. Letting him go, after two years, was the best thing I ever did. You can move on. If I can (and believe me I was obsessed with this kid), I know you can.
Hi Jupiter23. Very good points. Having letters that state the request to collect will cover Alibi should he not bother to collect and then moan when they’re no longer there. The possessions being left there are just a entry point back into her life. First letter should request to hear back in seven days, subsequent letter should be a follow up with a deadline date to collect and where from, followed by what will happen should he not collect. Distance gives objectivity. Being so close distorts your view of things and I’m glad you’re over him now.
As usual I agree with everything you write, Nathalie, except one thing.The idea that we don’t need others to make us happy,that we can find it within ourselves.You are not the only one embracing that philosophy,it is a popular mental health premise.So,in a sense, I’m sticking my neck out by disagreeing. Let me ask everyone reading this.Imagine if all your loved ones were no longer in your life and you were all alone.Would you be happy? I don’t think so.Would they be easily replaceable,your partner,children,parents,siblings,friends? I don’t think so either.Which basically means that we derive our deepest happiness and sense of security and fulfillment from our interactions with other people, and not from within ourselves.The reason being that we all have a primary need to bond with others.And that is also a proven mental health premise,though,in essence, somewhat contradictory to the idea of self reliance.Just look around you! Everyone belongs to and has people belonging to them.Just look at the Chilean miners! What kept them going and what was the most important thing when they emerged from that capsule? Their loved ones, into whose arms they gratefully fell.And that is completely natural and healthy.Even when out and about at leisure activities,how many people do you see on their own? A tiny minority, and I guarantee you that only a tiny minority of those, are happy to be alone, if that’s the way they always are.
However this overwhelming need to bond is also very dangerous and when taken out of proportion can lead to dangerous and co dependent relationships, to which we, on baggage reclaim, can fully testify.There is a very fine line between independence and dependence and staying on the healthy side of that line is best taught though good parenting and within a healthy family of origin.Children who are taught precisely how to respectfully love others while also respectfully loving themselves, with boundaries in place, have a far greater chance of going on to forge healthy relationships in adult life and will not have a major conflict of interest between their duty to themselves and their love and need of others.But because the need to bond is so easily abused and many of us have only experienced abusive,enmeshed,co dependent relationships,relearning how to do it right can be very tricky.
I’m not for one minute saying that we must have people around us all the time.Everyone needs space and everyone needs to be self reliant. To be totally dependant on anyone,is of course,very unhealthy and when we have few or no relationships in our lives, we must,for our own sakes, adapt and find a way to fulfill ourselves. But like everything,it all comes down to balance.So Natalie,you are completely right that the best way is to derive happiness is from many different sources and indeed to be always open to new things. But our desire to be cosily coupled up and our grief at not having or losing this is one hundred percent natural.As I’ve already said,other people do make us happy [just as they make us unhappy] and relationships enrich our lives.
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Hi Kay. I should stress that I’m not suggesting that people have to be alone or that others don’t make you happy but I spent 28 years around lots of people and was still miserable which stands to reason that other people don’t make you happy. I had lots of sources of happiness then – still miserable. Changed my own outlook, dealt with my issues, bingo, I’m personally happy on my own AND with other people. Other people can and do make you happy but your happiness is limited if you yourself are not happy or you align yourself with crappy people.
Your comment is very much on point. For everyone reading this site, we’re beyond the good parenting stage hence we only have ourselves to provide that environment for. I’m glad I learned how to love myself and the importance of creating the right environment otherwise I would have repeated the past with my own children and in my own relationship. Our interactions do indeed enrich our lives but we as individual entities are part of those interactions.
Hi Kay,
Read your great blog and just wanted to say I agree with you that interaction with others…enriching,complex,fufilling,the ultimate goal. However, I think it’s situation specific. I came out of marriage,loyal,decent guy,thirteen years of commitment looking for adventure…straight into arms of charming AC.
Five years of the mountain range of joy,disaster,fear,disillusionment.
I needed to be alone for two years when it ended. Needed to repair,sort out boundaries which were shot to ribbons.Needed to know who I was. I was broken in half, believe me.
So…..being alone and searching for personal happiness has it’s place and brilliance.
Now, mid forties,dating again,coming a cropper,optimistic,looking for interest,real commitment,peace,steadiness….yeah. You are right Kay we need to keep searching..it’s one of the resilient and admirable parts of being human. Thanks for blog. Les x
Thanks Natalie and Les. There is no easy answer to these dilemmas.The bottom line is that we need to be strong and resilient within ourselves but we also need to love and be loved.It’s so complex,it’s almost paradoxical, But if our only option is to be in a crappy relationship,then of course we are far better off alone.For some people the challenge is to find a fulfilling life on their own.Not easy for people who are completely alone.
Hugs and happiness to all.xx
I think the point is (what NML is saying is) that we should not imagine that another person is responsible for our happiness. Yes, other people can have a positive or negative effect on the way we feel on any given day, but no-one is personally responsible for making us happy; we are responsible for our own happiness. And yes, as soclable creatures we derive a good deal of our happiness, our joy, from positive interactions with others and from those we love and value, such as our children.
(Perhaps when relationships are making us miserable it’s because one or other of the persons involved is demanding too much of the other – expecting the other to “make” them happy!)
Likewise, neither should we assume responsibility for someone else’s happiness. You cannot “make” someone else happy, and and no-one can “make” you happy.
Perhaps what we are repsonsible for is not making other people miserable! Misery is catching! (So, I’d say, is happiness)
“Happiness requires an openness of emotions and a willingness to put yourself out there” Could not agree more – did that this weekend at the conference I was performing at and putting on a workshop AND did it without fear. I took a come what may attitude and gave it my best shot – I validated me. The most amazing part was all the validation I received from others reflected back it me. What a weekend! I loved that what I had to bring made a difference in other people’s lives and came from my heart. I smiled all the way home when I thought of all the comments and feedback I got from others because I felt the same way. I rocked! and I am glad other people thought so too. Thank you Nat for your online clinic – remembering what you said really helped but it in perspective for me. I challenged my internal fears – felt the fear and did it anyway. Glad to say that particular fear is gone now. I just love being me!
You’re right. I was not happy with the last A/C. I was just happy that I was “with” someone. I didn’t want to let go of that someone regardless of how unhappy I was.
I’ve known all my life that I don’t need a man to be happy. My recent experience was after going ten years without a guy (and being ok with it). But the recent experience really sucked it out of me. You just cannot believe how these A/C’s and EUM’s can just get their “hooks” in you by using certain words and actions and you cannot get out of “stuck” as Natalie calls it. I was the one who walked out, but I was hoping that my walking out would, as someone said in a comment to an earlier Natalie article, “galvanize” him to treat me right. When he didn’t “galvanize” into action, I tried to persuade him to “galvanize.” Didn’t work. These idiots can really suck you in!
I guess I am embarrassed that I got sucked in.