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I rarely do the whole friends with your ex thing and I’ll be honest; I never feel any loss for it either. This may sound cold hearted but I am inclined to believe that when you have quite negative reasons why you’ve broken up with someone, you’re not exactly gagging to be best mates with them. However, I know lots of people that are friends with their exes and whilst some are genuine friendships, others I’m inclined to be more than a touch sceptical about.
I think it’s fair to say that part of the reason why we stay friends with an ex is because we don’t have the balls not to be friends with them (staying friends is a standard line), even if we no longer like them. The other reasons are that it is the one way of keeping each other in your lives, which means that you don’t quite break the ties, but you can also see who each other is moving on to, or for whatever reason you just didn’t click as a couple but both work far better as friends. 

The friendships that are strongest in these situations, normally let things run their natural course and become friends six months to a year or so after the break up. The weakest ones are the friendships where there is a concerted, sometimes OTT effort to stay in each others lives and I’m sure that a few shags have crept into it. But what’s a shag between ‘friends’?

If you truly do want to be friends with an ex, I recommend the following handy tips to avoid rows, misunderstood declarations of love further down the line, and jealousy over each others love lives.

Put some time and distance between breaking up and becoming mates
You can’t go back to holding hands or being ‘just friends’ in the blink of an eye. Just because you’ve both said you want to be friends doesn’t actually make it so. Let the dust settle from your breaking up and spend time with your other friends before you both try out the friendship for size.

Don’t force the issue

This follows on from putting distance between you and deserves to be on its own. Why? How many times have I seen people fannying around about conducting the friendship with their ex? Worrying about when to phone, when to email, should you invite them to this, should you invite them to that, and ooh what will I do if I bump into his best mate. Jaysus, might as well you stayed a couple! Friendship is not something that is forced so don’t turn the two of you being friends into amateur dramatics. If it feels like it’s too much effort, it’s because it is too much effort!
You can’t handle the truth!
If you are going to be friends with your ex, you need to proceed with caution and ask yourself what your reasons are for staying friends. If you are harbouring feelings towards him with the hope of getting back together one day, your agenda isn’t friendship and you have bigger problems on your hands. If you’re staying friends with him because you can’t cope with the idea of him not being in your life, it doesn’t mean you can’t be friends, but I would say you need to ask yourself why you can’t cope and what you’re going to do when he meets someone else.
Be truthful with yourself and if there are any ulterior motives to staying friends, give it a while and revisit the idea a few weeks or months later.

Don’t sleep with each other etc.Being friends means no snogs, no shagging, no declarations of interest/love.Being friends means no snogs, no shagging, no declarations of interest/love. Prepare yourself for your ‘replacement’.There will be one of these and the when you find out about them or meet them for the first time, it will be painful. I often find that whilst people will happily move on with someone else, when they discover their ex has someone, they completely fall apart and question themselves, torture themselves and measure themselves against them. Don’t do it because friends don’t do that!

Being friends means no snogs, no shagging, no declarations of interest/love. There will be one of these and the when you find out about them or meet them for the first time, it will be painful. I often find that whilst people will happily move on with someone else, when they discover their ex has someone, they completely fall apart and question themselves, torture themselves and measure themselves against them. Don’t do it because friends don’t do that!Be nice!Yes we know that you were both together but there is no need to flaunt it and demonstrate that you know way more than her. This isn’t fastest finger first on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire! You will create friction and if he really likes her, he’ll put the cold freeze on you big time! Oh and you’ll look like a twat!Yes we know that you were both together but there is no need to flaunt it and demonstrate that you know way more than her. This isn’t fastest finger first on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire! You will create friction and if he really likes her, he’ll put the cold freeze on you big time! Oh and you’ll look like a twat!
Roger this. Roger that.
It’s great that you’re friends with your ex, but don’t spend the time with your new partner telling him that the ex is the best thing since sliced bread. Likewise, don’t talk about your ex constantly to your friends because you will sound like someone who hasn’t gotten over them and bore them to tears. Let go! They are your ex for a reason!
Put the double dates on hold.
This goes back to not being OTT about things. It’s one thing to say you’re friends; it’s another to get straight into double dates, nights out. This is where things get confused and before you all get pally, spend some time getting to know your new partners and make sure that they are comfortable with you all hanging out.
Don’t lie about being friends with your ex.
If you have to lie, it’s not good. I spent an uncomfortable hour in a bar in NYC with my friend, her ex and his girlfriend. He hadn’t mentioned to his current squeeze that not only is he friends with his ex but that they talk a few times a week. He hadn’t mentioned to my friend that he had a serious girlfriend and that they were moving in together. Lets just say that it was a horrid, tense hour in my holiday that I would rather forget! Be honest about your friendship with your ex and don’t downplay it if you have a proper friendship. You look guilty when you have no need to!

Yes we know that you were both together but there is no need to flaunt it and demonstrate that you know way more than her. This isn’t fastest finger first on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire! You will create friction and if he really likes her, he’ll put the cold freeze on you big time! Oh and you’ll look like a twat!It’s great that you’re friends with your ex, but don’t spend the time with your new partner telling him that the ex is the best thing since sliced bread. Likewise, don’t talk about your ex constantly to your friends because you will sound like someone who hasn’t gotten over them and bore them to tears. Let go! They are your ex for a reason!This goes back to not being OTT about things. It’s one thing to say you’re friends; it’s another to get straight into double dates, nights out. This is where things get confused and before you all get pally, spend some time getting to know your new partners and make sure that they are comfortable with you all hanging out.If you have to lie, it’s not good. I spent an uncomfortable hour in a bar in NYC with my friend, her ex and his girlfriend. He hadn’t mentioned to his current squeeze that not only is he friends with his ex but that they talk a few times a week. He hadn’t mentioned to my friend that he had a serious girlfriend and that they were moving in together. Lets just say that it was a horrid, tense hour in my holiday that I would rather forget! Be honest about your friendship with your ex and don’t downplay it if you have a proper friendship. You look guilty when you have no need to!Details. Details.Yes you are friends with your ex but do you need to call him and tell him that you had mind blowing, knickers hanging off the lampshade sex? If you’ve just broken up this is a no-no, if you have been friends for quite a while and are in the comfort zone then it’s OK.Yes you are friends with your ex but do you need to call him and tell him that you had mind blowing, knickers hanging off the lampshade sex? If you’ve just broken up this is a no-no, if you have been friends for quite a while and are in the comfort zone then it’s OK.



 

Yes you are friends with your ex but do you need to call him and tell him that you had mind blowing, knickers hanging off the lampshade sex? If you’ve just broken up this is a no-no, if you have been friends for quite a while and are in the comfort zone then it’s OK. 

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