Its not long after the words have been uttered that render your relationship over that some form of request for friendship will be made. Its almost as if we have all received some sort of relationship training that makes people the world over trot out the words as a form of consolation that hopefully dilutes the strained discussion and makes you look a little better person in their eyes. Its like “Hey. I know Im done screwing with you, but what the hell? Lets be friends because Ill feel like less of a prick if you say yes.
Truth be told, most people don’t really mean it when they say that they want to stay friends. Its just the polite thing to say. Hell I’ve said it to almost all of my exes and lo and behold, I don’t keep in touch with any of them and I haven’t sought to add them as a friend on Facebook! Not only is it very difficult to go from holding hands to platonic friends, but you don’t do it as a follow-on from a break-up. In order to break up, there needs to be a BREAK. There needs to be distance and time to allow each person to heal and move on. This time cant be spent playing best mates with one of you acting like you feel less than you do.
The only people that can be friends after having a relationship are those that feel nothing romantically for each other, are no longer emotionally invested, and there has been a healthy distance between you to allow you both to move on.
Friendship after breaking up is not for those who are hoping that hell skip on round to their place and give them a bit of sex from time to time. Its not for those who are hoping that if they lurk around long enough that hell see how wonderful they are and what a mistake they made and beg on their hands and knees to be taken back. However the offer of ‘friendship’ is often put to bad uses, after all, friends aren’t supposed to harm you, are they?
Be careful when your man asks you to be friends after breaking up because for many of them, it is their way of massaging their ego so that they feel like less of a prick, and it also keeps their foot in your life.
By allowing him to peek into your life whilst he continues on with his, you don’t actually get the chance to move on and subconsciously your heart and mind will be shut off to other opportunities out there. Its a thin line between professed friendship and becoming their booty call, and once you slip down this slippery slope, its very difficult to crawl back up. They’re getting the fringe benefits without having to put in any relationship work and it harks back to – Why buy the cow when he can drink the milk for free?
These guys are like dogs in mangers – they don’t want you, but they don’t want anyone else to want you either. You’re like that toy that they’ve got bored with that they’ve put back in the toybox. As soon as someone comes along to play with it, you look like an attractive toy again and they start making noises about ‘Its my toy…’. Of course the attraction wears off and you get chucked back in the toybox again, except this time it hurts more than it did the last time. Real ‘friends’ don’t ask you for sex or come on to you so the moment that you hear him utter these words, let the internal alarm bells ring and make a run for it.
The type of guy who genuinely wants to be your friend despite the fact that your relationship is over, is the type that will respect your wish for space and no contact.
They are the crucial things that are needed after breaking up. Let ideally 6 months or a year go by and get on with your life and let him get on with his. You never know – time may pass and you may realise that you have nothing in common and no desire to reconnect or it could be the start of a good friendship where neither of you is emotionally invested. The point is that you get to choose what happens from a healthier place instead of being railroaded into something that makes their ego feel much better.
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Wow. I needed this today in a big way. Long story made shorter….I’m working through a man I’ve been smitten with on and off for three years. He’s only interested in being friends and I (stupidly) keep waiting for him to change his mind. Not only that, but I truly believe he’s emotionally unavailable. Yet I keep up this silly hope. I will be printing this article out and referring to it often. Thanks!
We are warned about counter-offers after resigning our job. If the company comes back with more money, some other accommodation to stay in our job – beware. You have already, with your stated intention to leave, proven you have no loyalty to the company (in one sense), so they want the time to transfer your work and skills to someone else – before they let you go. It is a delaying tactic only.
‘Can’t we just be friends’ is a delaying tactic. This means different things to different people, but it always means not wanting to feel rejected, while looking for another sex buddy. And it delays recovering from the habits and perspectives and patterns of thinking developed to live with this current partner.
See the recent post on Casual Sex Between Friends. That requires a similar lack of interest in a long term relationship, or of emotional investment. In my experience, if either partner has to ask, “Can’t we just be friends?” then one or both parties are still too involved, and whatever the answer someone will be hurt.
I like this article…I’d like to see an article on why guys dump you but never tell you..Been there recently. Long story short, we had a fight then we didn’t talk for a week and a half and i asked him, (through a text message because he kept rejecting my calls.) if we were together or not and he replied no, but we’ve been here before, he’d throw his fit for a few weeks then call and say he was sorry…But what kind of jack-ass breaks up with you and doesn’t bother to call or at least send a text message? I mean a releationship is about 2 people, is it not? And whether or not it’s a man or woman wanting the break-up i beleive we all have the right to know!…Men are assholes….
Forgot to mention that the relationship we were in was a year and four months long…In my opinion that Sh*t aint right…Anyone agree or dissagree?
Hi Amber, I previously wrote this article https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-lazy-breakup-via-text-email-and-im/ which covers the dumping via text. At the very least you warranted and telephone call or being seen face to face. A text message still wouldn’t have cut it. I think you are lucky to be rid of the jackass 🙂 That said there does sound like there is a pattern of behaviour between you both – There have previously been break ups for a few weeks with no contact and then he has been able to come back. He sounds like he is taking advantage of you and unfortunately the tone has been set by you taking him back each time. Don’t allow him to swan in and out of your life and tell HIM to go and take a run and jump. NML Editor and Site Owner
Amber, Sorry about your split.
It sounds more like he is plain ignorant, and maybe indecisive, than that he is cruel. He possibly retreated from something that made him uncomfortable. In the past these withdrawals allowed him to forget the irritation, and then try to recreate a relationship. And you let him. Why would he expect the pattern to change? Why would you expect the pattern to change?
Telling someone to ‘do the right thing’, or expecting someone to do the right thing is a bit pointless, unless there is *agreement* about what the right thing is. It doesn’t sound as if you both have the same idea about what the problem is. And ‘he snapped’ isn’t helpful. Something irritated him, or he wouldn’t have retreated. Since he retreated from you, that implies you two didn’t agree about something.
Men are assholes. Who put all these assholes on the street, without the sense to pick a partner and keep her happy, or to know what to expect? Who failed to train all these assholes to meet their obligations? Mothers. Family. Teachers. Movies. Dirty stories. Porn. Classmates. Fathers. And if you look around, there are many men that did learn to be men, and companions, and fathers.
So, where did you find one that didn’t learn about being a life partner? Were you looking for character, for integrity and honor, for a cute date, or for what the fashion and cosmetic industry wants to sell you products to pursue?
When we buy a horse, we don’t dare take the horse’s training for granted. We try them out, and polish up the training that got overlooked before we depend on the horse to be a safe, honest ride. Until you have checked and verified that your partner has similar values to yours, that your partner has similar goals, that your partner understands how to communicate, how to resolve problems, and how to make his needs known, don’t assume anything. Either pick a different prospect, or take responsibility for allowing for his and your problem areas.
If a man is an asshole, what does that say about a person that depends on the man for something personable?
I think that we get into relationships and keep investing (good money after bad) until we realize that we can’t look ourselves in the mirror. I can honestly say that there are evil men in the world. I was involved with a married man with two children. I’m talking about you Otto Perlera. He was always saying that his cell phone died when he blew off a date without calling. He slept with women and men to get business for his trucking company and then laugh about what pigs they were. Unbelievable. Thank you for letting me vent. If you are in a bad relationship, run!!!!
“All men are assholes”, gee, why am I not surprised from a forum that “empower” women, all you women here are from the same cookie cutter. Empowering yourselves by making men the bad people. How low can you women go?
Frankie, you should have read the rest of that paragraph. I started with a common complaint/witticism/fact it all too many people’s lives (not all women). And progressed to show that much of the problem is lack of good role models – and the immediate solution is to do your looking where assholes don’t hang out. Long term, of course, is to stop training assholes.
Interesting, though, that you picked that one phrase out of the article and all the comments.
The answer to the question “who is teaching the man to be good man?” is hardly anyone. But i have the answer on the question “who is teaching men to be emotionally unavailable assclowns?” is plenty of self proclaimed pickup gurus such as Jonny Soporno and David DeAngelo these are the worst f**kwits ever especially soporno he is the ultimate Mr Emotionally Unavailable guru. I got burnt buy two of his followers. Its a scary stuff i think every girl should be aware of guys like that.
Hi all,
Just wanted to share the true colors of my EUMs “friends” request.
My ex-eum started texting me after 8 weeks of NC. After a while I broke NC and emailed him and asked why the f*ck he was contacting me. He had the nerve to say that he wants us to be friends….with benefits..
Off course he covered up the part about the benefits but I asked him outright if that was what he meant and he admitted it. Under the guise of it possibly leading to love again in the future.. sure..
I replied (more to test him) that i don´t do benefits but i would be open for a normal friendship but definitely no sex. He really started putting up a fight, questioning me why, manipulating me with promises that it could lead to more, saying its impossible for men and women to be just friends, even pulled the “I´m so confused and have so much feelings for you”-card. After some discussing I put my foot down and told him to take it or leave it. He never replied again.
Yeah, he´s a true friend!
Eventhough I knew his game this time, it set me back nonetheless. It just drains my energy dealing with a manipulative person having to guard my boundaries like a watchdog. And somehow it gets me a bit emotionally involved again. I really really need to stick to no contact if he ever contacts me again.
I was only ever ‘friends’ with my EUM and he did everything he could to hook me into a non-existent relationship with him. He even offered to give me ‘space’ the one time I got mad at him for treating me like crap. This guy was so full of ‘sensitive new age guy’ speak–well now when I think about it it makes me want to throw-up. Anyway, there is no way I would be friends with this clown as he is not capable of friendship. Funny though, I think my new superior–a female–is a narcissist–we’ll see how this all goes–as so far I have to beg here to get information to do my job.