When we’ve spent our whole life (or much of it), doubting our worth and how ‘enough’ we are, the prospect of change, even when it’s something that we recognise as being beneficial and even critical, can seem like yet another thing that highlights what’s wrong with us.
It’s not unusual to have a negative association with change, possibly because we had significant or even traumatic life events that have made us sensitive to change, but often because we feel as if we have never really been accepted for who we are whether it’s by us or by others. Even when we know that we’ve pretended to be something that we’re not to blend in and to gain attention, affection, validation, love etc., we can be surprisingly attached to the security of the costume. ‘But this people pleasing mask and cape is safe. It’s what I know even if I hanker to let the real me out.’
The funny thing is, more often than not, what we resist changing isn’t even who we are. For instance, so many people have told me that ‘needy’ is part of their personality but this is a pattern waiting to be healed. Habits can be modified, tweaked or replaced, especially any that are harmful and hold us back from what we really want.
This resistance to change keeps us stuck in an uncomfortable comfort zone.
We trick ourselves by believing that if change is ‘right’ then it will feel easy and we won’t feel afraid or uncomfortable, which causes us to backslide, often at the points where we’re on the verge of making great leaps. We’re being stretched and it can suddenly seem really daunting to change. We imagine our changed future self and become afraid of too much responsibility. We realise that if we make these changes, we can’t hold on to old patterns or blame the same people or things. We realise that we’re making a commitment, temptying us to hide behind something or someone else so that we don’t have to take the next step or move on to the next stage of our life.
An example of this is when we feel good about key changes we need to make but then we let the unavailable or shady ex slip in, or sabotage a new opportunity like a job or move so that we’re back to being fearful and stressed. That might feel more in line with our old negative beliefs that we’re in truth, trying to distance ourselves from.
Sometimes we fear that the change won’t last and that we won’t be able to cope with future hurt or disappointment, so it feels safer to write ourselves off right now.
On some level we might need a last go-round to force us to awaken to the need for change. It’s often when it becomes too uncomfortable and painful not to change when we stop resisting what in essence boils down to becoming more of who we are.
We are at a time of year when there’s a lot of talk about change and you know what? Change is necessary because when we don’t evolve, we stall emotionally but we also miss out on our own life, however, we’ve got to change for the right reasons.
We can’t decide to change because we’re trying to gain strength from someone (possibly by taking theirs or depending on it), or because we’re trying to control or manipulate. We can’t make change on the basis of what everyone else is doing because that won’t make sense to us. We won’t be invested.
Any changes we make have to be an investment in allowing us to become more of who we are. That is ultimately what change is about: it needs to make you more of who you are, not less.
It’s all very well if Tom, Dick and Harry are becoming minimalists, or training for a triathlon, journaling, taking up yoga, or deciding to only go out with certain types of people, but thesechanges will only feel right for you and your life if they mean something to you and ultimately light you up by connecting you to your core and true self. Far too many of us get sidetracked by society’s ideas of what makes a person happy or successful but these don’t necessarily represent our individual values and aspirations.
It’s also important not to blame and shame you into change because it’s not a motivator. If being hard on you was the magic bullet, it would have worked by now.
Don’t try to solve your life or fix the world with one change because it creates unrealistic expectations of your efforts, ultimately setting you up to fail.
Small steps every day has a significant and culmulative effect on your well-being, gradually building your confidence and commitment to self-care. Sure, those small steps might be leading to something specific but taking things a day at a time and noticing the things you do that grow your self-awareness and self-knowledge, is far less daunting than trying to work out everything until the end of time.
Think about the way that you consistently feel and how you would like that to change, and any changes you make need to be about reaching for those feelings in ways that take you closer to who you are and in the direction you want to go.
This means that if you’d like to go from feeling anxious to more confident and content, you would need to recognise and acknowledge anything in your life that contributes to anxiety (habits, people etc) and look at reducing those but also doing small things that allow you to feel more in command of you.
Change doesn’t come without change. As daunting as it might seem to get out of your comfort zone, on the other side of it, if you allow you to stay there for long enough to recognise it, is freedom, your true self, and more loving relationships and experiences.
Incredible as always Natalie. Happy New Year to you and your lovely family. I am ready for that big change of becoming more of who i really am. No more putting on masks a d faking smiles. Im glad that you Natalie and all the lovely readers of BR will be there with me in 2017.
Happy New Year to all you lovely fighters out there. Lets fight together all this bullshit that made us feel stuck in the past years.
Ali
on 06/01/2017 at 7:38 am
Here, here! 🙂
Rachel (lupie)
on 03/01/2017 at 3:02 pm
Thank you Natalie for providing me with some much needed perspective. After what was a pretty grim Xmas and even worse new year, I reconnected with my recent ex, who had returned from Ghana after a month away for a family bereavement.
In my desperation to try and salvage our ‘relationship’ in order to not feel like a complete and utter failure in the new year, I began talking to him again. He apologised for his behaviour when we were dating last year and after much discussion we decided to give it another go in the new year.
Long story short: we’ve done nothing but argue since we started over, and we were supposed to have our first date on Thursday (I haven’t seen him since he returned last week), but I cancelled it today and told him to get lost, as he got the hump with me (again) because he decided to turn up to my house last night uninvited and as I was asleep, I missed all the calls and texts to say he was outside. Sigh. We’d made no prior arrangement for him to visit me in my home, and I’d even gone so far as to tell him when we started talking again, that there would be no more overnight visits, or me cooking him meals and washing his uniform as I did last year. I wanted a fresh start and I wanted to be courted properly. He agreed to this initially, so I don’t know why he would turn up to my house like that and think I’d be OK with it. He then began to sulk after this and would be very cold and distant in his texts. When I brought this up with him, I was told to stop “creating drama” and to “chill out bruv.”
It was only when I randomly went through one of Nats old articles about Narcissists that I begun to see that his behaviour is that of a complete narcissist who will never change, and not an assclown as I had initially thought. How I never spotted it before, I will never know, all the signs were there! The passive aggression, the narcissistic rage (from 0-100 in 2 seconds), the sulking when he never got his own way, the way all conversations would divert to him, the constant need for flattery and attention, a complete lack of empathy or respect for my feelings, the way he’d never listen (even when texting he’d select the bits he wants to acknowledge and disregard everything else), the lack of respect for my boundaries. It became impossible to have a straightforward conversation with him without him taking offence to something, and I’d be sitting there scratching my head wondering what I’d done wrong, or why he was pissed off with me again.
As much as I’d love to enter the new year with love in my life, I will not do so at the expense of my emotional well-being and mental health. In the 2 weeks that we were talking again, he’s caused me more stress and anxiety than a year’s worth of deadlines at my job! He ruined NYE for me by starting an argument just before I was about to head out, and ruined my make up too.
I know deep down it would’ve been lunacy to try to continue a relationship with him, so I flushed it before he had a chance to ruin the rest of my year. I actually feel more relieved than anything now…
Making changes for 2017 and it feels awesome!!!
LauraG
on 05/01/2017 at 4:53 pm
Rachel,
You did get something wonderful for New Year’s: finding out the true nature of your ex. Believe me, the day I found I was living with a narcissist was the day I began to free myself of a lifelong, childhood based pattern. So, as awful as it felt, you now have the keys to your own freedom. Happy New Year, Natalie and all you wonderful BR folk!
Ivana
on 04/01/2017 at 2:20 pm
Thank you. Happy New Year to everyone.
Anna
on 05/01/2017 at 2:09 am
Natalie as always you are right-on.! I have to make a change this year by undoing what was supposed to be good for me but my EUM whom I met at this sports club still causes me anxiety. So with your Post and my already self protecting thoughts I am not going back to this activity although it keeps me so physically fit, it has also become the centre of anxiety and disappointment and I don’t see another year of putting on a brave face as a way to go. I have met another person to date, and another hobby club to go to, and I have to let go and embrace change and give up what was once such fun but the on/off relationship that ensued has caused too much grief. He will just continue to dance around me and cause me pain, the classic EUM who wants my friendship. After reading your books it is even still a tough decision but the misery outweighs the enjoyment. Thanks for the very timely comments about CHANGE.
GettingItRight
on 05/01/2017 at 6:09 am
I get this, I do. But I don’t entirey agree with your 2nd to last paragraph, Nat. I avoided any contact with my ex for years due to the anxiety it would trigger. And it was hard completely erasing him, in that we have common friends and I’d avoid get togethers because I couldn’t relax and enjoy myself with him there. The mere sight of his name commenting on a common friend’s facebook post would tie my stomach up in knots. He was like an addiction. But at some point I think for that last piece of healing to occur, to know that we’ve conquered it, we need to look that trigger in the eyes and face it, instead of avoiding the anxiety. It’s like an alcoholic who knows they’ll never drink again but continues to avoid any situations where alcohol may be present – family/friend functions, weddings, restaurants, etc. When can we be in the room with an addiction, look at it the eye, & be healed enough to not feel the urge to run away and avoid the anxiety? It takes courage ands trength to be able to be in the room with it, instead of continuing to avoid the trigger, however uncomfortable it may be at first. If there’s a next time, it’s not as anxiety-producing. I don’t seek him out, believe me, but I’m done avoiding feeling that I can’t handle the anxiety seeing him would trigger. I know I got this. And that’s empowering.
LauraG
on 05/01/2017 at 4:58 pm
GettinItRight,
I got a lot out of what you said. I saw my ex-narcissist out twice over the holidays and, yes, there was some anxiety and even sadness and grief, but I kept on going, didn’t give in to the anxiety and ultimately scored two victories in my own heart. It is like an addiction for me — the upset and drama, the feeling-left-out when I see the new girlfriend — but I am becoming more and more immune to that need for low-self-esteem. Because Nat is right, there is a certain comfort in the old familiar shabby coat of shame. But this is the year I am not wearing it any more.
GettingItRight
on 06/01/2017 at 2:04 am
I love the way you put that, Laura!
Noquay
on 07/01/2017 at 1:28 am
Getting it and Laura G
Yep, used to avoid events where Narcboy and Latest Conquest (and former friend) would be. Hated having the whole situation rubbed in my face plus be de facto relegated to the singles groups/tables at mealtimes so I just refused to participate; my choice was none of the above. That old coat of shame for being seemingly unattractive hanging on the shoulders, weighing me down; the only other choices being horridly nerdy, painfully awkward colleagues. No more. Found that holding myself high, in pride, dignity, walking proud, ignoring them both, sitting by myself rather than settle for less made THEM uncomfortable and they’d stay away. The single most empowering thing about the whole s$@!storm situation was reading every bit of literature on narcissism and serial cheaters I could get my hands on. Suddenly, everything made sense. Nats article here really got me thinking of change: As a 56 year old eco chick, I am oft pressured to be less environmental, less fitness oriented, less intellectual, told I need to watch TV, live in an apartment, with roomies, accept being single for good, learn to like living in a city with motorized noise rather than in the woods reading books, cutting wood, growing food. Cannot be the person others think I oughta be. It may well be that at retirement I cannot find my ideal rural yet progressive older community and may well have to be alone for good but I cannot be someone I am not for the sake of social acceptance.
Anna
on 08/01/2017 at 5:22 am
Yes I tried that too but the addiction is powerful and it annoyed me to think I could not beat it so I persevered. I even still ask myself what the hell is it about him that I cannot get over ? Why was I still so drawn to him ? It is because he gave me a type of affection that I craved in my childhood although ironically he could not commit.
All the very best to you that you conquer it and face the demon, but for me, I have conceded and will stay right out of his way. I think it will take me 6 months to a year still, after 8 months of being strong, because we had an on/off relationship for 2 years and a lot of that was very close but the final disappointment still left me in hope because he hovered around. I cant do it anymore, not to say you cant, and I hope you will be ok.
Great website! I feel emotionally stronger by reading Natalie’s posts. Well done!
Gala
on 07/01/2017 at 12:41 am
Happy New Year all! I have been working for almost a year on changing the way I think and interact with one of my male friends. We have blurred lines, he told me he likes me but he has a g/f. He’s unhappy with the relationship and has been for quite sometime. He also has ptsd and some other issues. I have been there for him through a lot of this and sadly I fell for him much sooner than he did for me. I have been trying soooo hard to step back and not feel for him but it doesn’t work. He’s like a drug that I cannot break free from. He is very EU — because of his issues he disappears and won’t text. He also won’t commit to even getting lunch together. My frustration level is at max and it’s mainly because he just won’t communicate. In person he is fine — but he future fakes a lot! I don’t know what to do anymore. I ended up in the hospital a year ago because of a sickness and he never even checked on me. He’s got blinders on… is he worth it? How do I change my way of being around him and thinking about him?? I don’t know if I have the energy to keep doing this. His flirting and wanting to see me but never showing up when he says… and he doesn’t own up to it. :((
Wheatfields
on 09/01/2017 at 4:45 am
I will add my voice here as I was reading through all the comments and found myself wanting to cry, but also nodding my head in agreement.
Today I saw my EUM at a business meeting with a large social organization. We have a simple but reasonably friendly truce these days but I find that I am getting tired or being the ‘nice’ one and ‘understanding’ him. When I saw him today eagerly trying to please all these people in the group by doing service and heading committees it make feel sick. He is overly invested in pleasing strangers but wouldn’t try and please me, or even himself really. I began to feel really angry at all the ridiculousness of his behavior and how I fell into the trap of trying get someone like this to be emotionally involved on an intimate level. He kept running away and would pull me close, but when I got close, he would push me away. Today I really like you, today I am going to ignore you. I am embarrassed to say – I accepted that behavior for a few months.
Anyway – my natural self just ignored him today as I was tired and it was crowded and he seemed upset that I did that. That’s when I realized that I was done – no more trying to please someone who acts like this. You man up and talk it out with me or that’s that. I don’t live in fantasy anymore and I want a man who chooses to communicate and be honest. Even a little bit would do it !! I felt sad that I “hurt” him, but eff-that. Does he care that he has hurt me? And why would someone be so quick to take offense like that. Holy cow. : ( So once again, BR has helped me through this important learning experience. Thank you all !!!
Gala
on 09/01/2017 at 10:34 pm
Wheat- I totally understand this. Mine is in a position where he has to be “on” allll the time. That’s what he gets paid for. He’s charming, handsome, caring, and helps anyone and everyone. When he is not feeling well or is frustrated, guess who sees that real side. I see a very uncommitting, non social, selfish person. Mind you it has gotten worse over the past few years, and I think it’s because he just knows I’ll always be there and I’ll understand. That’s where I have to stop. I have to stop thinking I can change him. I cannot fix this man. I want what everyone else sees and that won’t be. I texted him today because I needed help with a plumbing issue (he’s very smart with things like that). I never heard a word back. Nothing. When he shuts down I feel like it’s something I did, and it takes me awhile to rebound. These men are like drugs and I need help detoxing .
Wheatfields
on 10/01/2017 at 10:02 pm
Hey Gala,
You are right, thank you for posting what you did. This man is “very nice” and “will do anything for you,” and all sorts of stuff like that. At a social level, everyone loves him and thinks he’s an awesome guy. But for me privately, he blows hot and cold and is very withholding of his affection for me. As I wrote above, he will show it when he wants and if I am not ready and don’t reciprocate then he gets hurt/mad and then today he is very cool and indifferent to me.
I am so amazed that the really nice guy I also knew was like this on a deeper level and I think it is like a drug because it makes me want him to want me, and that doesn’t even make sense really. Why would I want someone like that? these crumbs of attention and the uncertainty, pushing me to prove myself and be available for him – I will never win and it’s very hurtful. Whether he intends it or not, it feels controlling and abusive even. I have to see him alot and so I am watching him and watching myself and am trying to learn from this experience and heal whatever wounds brought me to be involved with him.
Peace to you in your journey Gala, as well – we will be better for these experiences.
Gala
on 10/01/2017 at 10:27 pm
Wheat- are we talking about the same guy?? Yikes! I understand completely everything you just said. Mine has done the same thing for years. Has yours texted you after disappearing for awhile just to see if you will answer? Been there done that. I find that if I do not answer him on his terms, he will guilt me. “Oh I see you are busy and don’t have time for me. I get it, I’m a sucky friend. Whatever.” I play into it and tell him that it hurts me and our friendship (which is nosediving rapidly), but he doesn’t listen. I see no reason in telling these guys what they already know about themselves. Hang in Wheat, and know that the longer you overthink and don’t put up the NC rule, you will suffer. No one should be treated as an option.
Gala
on 10/01/2017 at 10:30 pm
Oh one more thing Wheat – are u guilty of dropping everything for him when he suddenly texts or calls? Yeah me 2. We are a work in progress — stay strong.
Wheatfields
on 12/01/2017 at 4:22 am
Gala, Tonight I bailed on a large group gathering because I realized that I just don’t want to see him or be in the same room with him. A part of me likes him but his behavior makes me hate him and that is so incredibly unhealthy I can hardly believe I am writing that.
He is always the victim (because I am hurting him) or he is allowed to ignore me (because he is important, I guess). He doesn’t just do this to me, it’s who he is on some level but other people who are not romantically linked just see it as ‘how he is,’ and they never challenge him on it. They excuse him as “shy” or modest or even bashful. But to be honest, he is never cruel to other people superficially – I am probably the only one he treats so badly, and I think he truly does care for me. Which may be why he does it, I don’t know.
I am going to stay away again for a while, I was away for five months and in that time he went from strong, confident and mr alpha dude, to a quivering and lost soul sitting in the corner. When I came back to the group of friends over the holiday I didn’t even recognize him because he looked so broken. Now he is back to his old cocky self and I have seen him several times, but now he is also rejecting me in front of others (ignoring me) and doing the ‘how dare you reject me and break my heart’ behavior I described above. Holy cow, this is a killer and I need to let go and focus on myself and my otherwise good life.
PS – Yes, I do tend to drop everything for him because he makes my heart leap. I remember in the beginning when he was so sweet and kind and I thought he was wonderful. I have to keep working on that, since he doesn’t seem to really value me or what I have to offer. it’s incredibly sad to me at the loss of what could have been. Thanks for your comments Gala.
Gala
on 13/01/2017 at 12:37 am
Wheat- I have seen this behavior before and it is something that will never change. He’s playing the EU assclown role and sucking you in. The guilt trips will keep you by his side, he may send texts when you go NC making you feel lousy. Do we want this?? I deal with all sorts of people each day and I see great looking guys and I always ask myself after I talk to one , ” why can’t my EU AC be like him?” . There are more fish in the sea, and we learn as we go. If I had known years ago that I would end up so mentally tired from dealing with my guy, I never would have met him at that Starbucks !! So, now I’m choosing to step back, and go NC. He has ruined friendships I had — others warned me. My family used to adore him. No more. He’s not worth it especially since he doesn’t see me for my full potential ! Don’t waste time Wheat, move on and be happy! Don’t be someone’s 2nd best, fallback girl! Much luv.
Ann
on 23/01/2017 at 5:24 pm
I’ve been NC with my EUM for about a month now. I’ve come to recognize some things about myself that I need to change and work on. Since this has come about I’m experiencing anxiety. I meditate, journal and exercise and nothing is able to control my reeling thoughts. I also found out the the EUM had another girlfriend on the side for 7 months while seeing me too. I’m feeling depleted, stupid, used and abused. I need to forgive myself and move on but I’m having trouble doing so. As I continue to work through my fears, change and forgiveness will this get better? Is this my body saying, this is going to be hard and it resisting?
If you are the person who enjoys sports, you’ll be able to meet a
fantastic match in Bristol this way. Totally impossible
for all of us to choose one of the numerous restaurants using this location. Jealousy
will still only eat you up and leave you feeling bad, sad and
unloved.
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Wonderful Natalie. Thank you.
Incredible as always Natalie. Happy New Year to you and your lovely family. I am ready for that big change of becoming more of who i really am. No more putting on masks a d faking smiles. Im glad that you Natalie and all the lovely readers of BR will be there with me in 2017.
Happy New Year to all you lovely fighters out there. Lets fight together all this bullshit that made us feel stuck in the past years.
Here, here! 🙂
Thank you Natalie for providing me with some much needed perspective. After what was a pretty grim Xmas and even worse new year, I reconnected with my recent ex, who had returned from Ghana after a month away for a family bereavement.
In my desperation to try and salvage our ‘relationship’ in order to not feel like a complete and utter failure in the new year, I began talking to him again. He apologised for his behaviour when we were dating last year and after much discussion we decided to give it another go in the new year.
Long story short: we’ve done nothing but argue since we started over, and we were supposed to have our first date on Thursday (I haven’t seen him since he returned last week), but I cancelled it today and told him to get lost, as he got the hump with me (again) because he decided to turn up to my house last night uninvited and as I was asleep, I missed all the calls and texts to say he was outside. Sigh. We’d made no prior arrangement for him to visit me in my home, and I’d even gone so far as to tell him when we started talking again, that there would be no more overnight visits, or me cooking him meals and washing his uniform as I did last year. I wanted a fresh start and I wanted to be courted properly. He agreed to this initially, so I don’t know why he would turn up to my house like that and think I’d be OK with it. He then began to sulk after this and would be very cold and distant in his texts. When I brought this up with him, I was told to stop “creating drama” and to “chill out bruv.”
It was only when I randomly went through one of Nats old articles about Narcissists that I begun to see that his behaviour is that of a complete narcissist who will never change, and not an assclown as I had initially thought. How I never spotted it before, I will never know, all the signs were there! The passive aggression, the narcissistic rage (from 0-100 in 2 seconds), the sulking when he never got his own way, the way all conversations would divert to him, the constant need for flattery and attention, a complete lack of empathy or respect for my feelings, the way he’d never listen (even when texting he’d select the bits he wants to acknowledge and disregard everything else), the lack of respect for my boundaries. It became impossible to have a straightforward conversation with him without him taking offence to something, and I’d be sitting there scratching my head wondering what I’d done wrong, or why he was pissed off with me again.
As much as I’d love to enter the new year with love in my life, I will not do so at the expense of my emotional well-being and mental health. In the 2 weeks that we were talking again, he’s caused me more stress and anxiety than a year’s worth of deadlines at my job! He ruined NYE for me by starting an argument just before I was about to head out, and ruined my make up too.
I know deep down it would’ve been lunacy to try to continue a relationship with him, so I flushed it before he had a chance to ruin the rest of my year. I actually feel more relieved than anything now…
Making changes for 2017 and it feels awesome!!!
Rachel,
You did get something wonderful for New Year’s: finding out the true nature of your ex. Believe me, the day I found I was living with a narcissist was the day I began to free myself of a lifelong, childhood based pattern. So, as awful as it felt, you now have the keys to your own freedom. Happy New Year, Natalie and all you wonderful BR folk!
Thank you. Happy New Year to everyone.
Natalie as always you are right-on.! I have to make a change this year by undoing what was supposed to be good for me but my EUM whom I met at this sports club still causes me anxiety. So with your Post and my already self protecting thoughts I am not going back to this activity although it keeps me so physically fit, it has also become the centre of anxiety and disappointment and I don’t see another year of putting on a brave face as a way to go. I have met another person to date, and another hobby club to go to, and I have to let go and embrace change and give up what was once such fun but the on/off relationship that ensued has caused too much grief. He will just continue to dance around me and cause me pain, the classic EUM who wants my friendship. After reading your books it is even still a tough decision but the misery outweighs the enjoyment. Thanks for the very timely comments about CHANGE.
I get this, I do. But I don’t entirey agree with your 2nd to last paragraph, Nat. I avoided any contact with my ex for years due to the anxiety it would trigger. And it was hard completely erasing him, in that we have common friends and I’d avoid get togethers because I couldn’t relax and enjoy myself with him there. The mere sight of his name commenting on a common friend’s facebook post would tie my stomach up in knots. He was like an addiction. But at some point I think for that last piece of healing to occur, to know that we’ve conquered it, we need to look that trigger in the eyes and face it, instead of avoiding the anxiety. It’s like an alcoholic who knows they’ll never drink again but continues to avoid any situations where alcohol may be present – family/friend functions, weddings, restaurants, etc. When can we be in the room with an addiction, look at it the eye, & be healed enough to not feel the urge to run away and avoid the anxiety? It takes courage ands trength to be able to be in the room with it, instead of continuing to avoid the trigger, however uncomfortable it may be at first. If there’s a next time, it’s not as anxiety-producing. I don’t seek him out, believe me, but I’m done avoiding feeling that I can’t handle the anxiety seeing him would trigger. I know I got this. And that’s empowering.
GettinItRight,
I got a lot out of what you said. I saw my ex-narcissist out twice over the holidays and, yes, there was some anxiety and even sadness and grief, but I kept on going, didn’t give in to the anxiety and ultimately scored two victories in my own heart. It is like an addiction for me — the upset and drama, the feeling-left-out when I see the new girlfriend — but I am becoming more and more immune to that need for low-self-esteem. Because Nat is right, there is a certain comfort in the old familiar shabby coat of shame. But this is the year I am not wearing it any more.
I love the way you put that, Laura!
Getting it and Laura G
Yep, used to avoid events where Narcboy and Latest Conquest (and former friend) would be. Hated having the whole situation rubbed in my face plus be de facto relegated to the singles groups/tables at mealtimes so I just refused to participate; my choice was none of the above. That old coat of shame for being seemingly unattractive hanging on the shoulders, weighing me down; the only other choices being horridly nerdy, painfully awkward colleagues. No more. Found that holding myself high, in pride, dignity, walking proud, ignoring them both, sitting by myself rather than settle for less made THEM uncomfortable and they’d stay away. The single most empowering thing about the whole s$@!storm situation was reading every bit of literature on narcissism and serial cheaters I could get my hands on. Suddenly, everything made sense. Nats article here really got me thinking of change: As a 56 year old eco chick, I am oft pressured to be less environmental, less fitness oriented, less intellectual, told I need to watch TV, live in an apartment, with roomies, accept being single for good, learn to like living in a city with motorized noise rather than in the woods reading books, cutting wood, growing food. Cannot be the person others think I oughta be. It may well be that at retirement I cannot find my ideal rural yet progressive older community and may well have to be alone for good but I cannot be someone I am not for the sake of social acceptance.
Yes I tried that too but the addiction is powerful and it annoyed me to think I could not beat it so I persevered. I even still ask myself what the hell is it about him that I cannot get over ? Why was I still so drawn to him ? It is because he gave me a type of affection that I craved in my childhood although ironically he could not commit.
All the very best to you that you conquer it and face the demon, but for me, I have conceded and will stay right out of his way. I think it will take me 6 months to a year still, after 8 months of being strong, because we had an on/off relationship for 2 years and a lot of that was very close but the final disappointment still left me in hope because he hovered around. I cant do it anymore, not to say you cant, and I hope you will be ok.
Great website! I feel emotionally stronger by reading Natalie’s posts. Well done!
Happy New Year all! I have been working for almost a year on changing the way I think and interact with one of my male friends. We have blurred lines, he told me he likes me but he has a g/f. He’s unhappy with the relationship and has been for quite sometime. He also has ptsd and some other issues. I have been there for him through a lot of this and sadly I fell for him much sooner than he did for me. I have been trying soooo hard to step back and not feel for him but it doesn’t work. He’s like a drug that I cannot break free from. He is very EU — because of his issues he disappears and won’t text. He also won’t commit to even getting lunch together. My frustration level is at max and it’s mainly because he just won’t communicate. In person he is fine — but he future fakes a lot! I don’t know what to do anymore. I ended up in the hospital a year ago because of a sickness and he never even checked on me. He’s got blinders on… is he worth it? How do I change my way of being around him and thinking about him?? I don’t know if I have the energy to keep doing this. His flirting and wanting to see me but never showing up when he says… and he doesn’t own up to it. :((
I will add my voice here as I was reading through all the comments and found myself wanting to cry, but also nodding my head in agreement.
Today I saw my EUM at a business meeting with a large social organization. We have a simple but reasonably friendly truce these days but I find that I am getting tired or being the ‘nice’ one and ‘understanding’ him. When I saw him today eagerly trying to please all these people in the group by doing service and heading committees it make feel sick. He is overly invested in pleasing strangers but wouldn’t try and please me, or even himself really. I began to feel really angry at all the ridiculousness of his behavior and how I fell into the trap of trying get someone like this to be emotionally involved on an intimate level. He kept running away and would pull me close, but when I got close, he would push me away. Today I really like you, today I am going to ignore you. I am embarrassed to say – I accepted that behavior for a few months.
Anyway – my natural self just ignored him today as I was tired and it was crowded and he seemed upset that I did that. That’s when I realized that I was done – no more trying to please someone who acts like this. You man up and talk it out with me or that’s that. I don’t live in fantasy anymore and I want a man who chooses to communicate and be honest. Even a little bit would do it !! I felt sad that I “hurt” him, but eff-that. Does he care that he has hurt me? And why would someone be so quick to take offense like that. Holy cow. : ( So once again, BR has helped me through this important learning experience. Thank you all !!!
Wheat- I totally understand this. Mine is in a position where he has to be “on” allll the time. That’s what he gets paid for. He’s charming, handsome, caring, and helps anyone and everyone. When he is not feeling well or is frustrated, guess who sees that real side. I see a very uncommitting, non social, selfish person. Mind you it has gotten worse over the past few years, and I think it’s because he just knows I’ll always be there and I’ll understand. That’s where I have to stop. I have to stop thinking I can change him. I cannot fix this man. I want what everyone else sees and that won’t be. I texted him today because I needed help with a plumbing issue (he’s very smart with things like that). I never heard a word back. Nothing. When he shuts down I feel like it’s something I did, and it takes me awhile to rebound. These men are like drugs and I need help detoxing .
Hey Gala,
You are right, thank you for posting what you did. This man is “very nice” and “will do anything for you,” and all sorts of stuff like that. At a social level, everyone loves him and thinks he’s an awesome guy. But for me privately, he blows hot and cold and is very withholding of his affection for me. As I wrote above, he will show it when he wants and if I am not ready and don’t reciprocate then he gets hurt/mad and then today he is very cool and indifferent to me.
I am so amazed that the really nice guy I also knew was like this on a deeper level and I think it is like a drug because it makes me want him to want me, and that doesn’t even make sense really. Why would I want someone like that? these crumbs of attention and the uncertainty, pushing me to prove myself and be available for him – I will never win and it’s very hurtful. Whether he intends it or not, it feels controlling and abusive even. I have to see him alot and so I am watching him and watching myself and am trying to learn from this experience and heal whatever wounds brought me to be involved with him.
Peace to you in your journey Gala, as well – we will be better for these experiences.
Wheat- are we talking about the same guy?? Yikes! I understand completely everything you just said. Mine has done the same thing for years. Has yours texted you after disappearing for awhile just to see if you will answer? Been there done that. I find that if I do not answer him on his terms, he will guilt me. “Oh I see you are busy and don’t have time for me. I get it, I’m a sucky friend. Whatever.” I play into it and tell him that it hurts me and our friendship (which is nosediving rapidly), but he doesn’t listen. I see no reason in telling these guys what they already know about themselves. Hang in Wheat, and know that the longer you overthink and don’t put up the NC rule, you will suffer. No one should be treated as an option.
Oh one more thing Wheat – are u guilty of dropping everything for him when he suddenly texts or calls? Yeah me 2. We are a work in progress — stay strong.
Gala, Tonight I bailed on a large group gathering because I realized that I just don’t want to see him or be in the same room with him. A part of me likes him but his behavior makes me hate him and that is so incredibly unhealthy I can hardly believe I am writing that.
He is always the victim (because I am hurting him) or he is allowed to ignore me (because he is important, I guess). He doesn’t just do this to me, it’s who he is on some level but other people who are not romantically linked just see it as ‘how he is,’ and they never challenge him on it. They excuse him as “shy” or modest or even bashful. But to be honest, he is never cruel to other people superficially – I am probably the only one he treats so badly, and I think he truly does care for me. Which may be why he does it, I don’t know.
I am going to stay away again for a while, I was away for five months and in that time he went from strong, confident and mr alpha dude, to a quivering and lost soul sitting in the corner. When I came back to the group of friends over the holiday I didn’t even recognize him because he looked so broken. Now he is back to his old cocky self and I have seen him several times, but now he is also rejecting me in front of others (ignoring me) and doing the ‘how dare you reject me and break my heart’ behavior I described above. Holy cow, this is a killer and I need to let go and focus on myself and my otherwise good life.
PS – Yes, I do tend to drop everything for him because he makes my heart leap. I remember in the beginning when he was so sweet and kind and I thought he was wonderful. I have to keep working on that, since he doesn’t seem to really value me or what I have to offer. it’s incredibly sad to me at the loss of what could have been. Thanks for your comments Gala.
Wheat- I have seen this behavior before and it is something that will never change. He’s playing the EU assclown role and sucking you in. The guilt trips will keep you by his side, he may send texts when you go NC making you feel lousy. Do we want this?? I deal with all sorts of people each day and I see great looking guys and I always ask myself after I talk to one , ” why can’t my EU AC be like him?” . There are more fish in the sea, and we learn as we go. If I had known years ago that I would end up so mentally tired from dealing with my guy, I never would have met him at that Starbucks !! So, now I’m choosing to step back, and go NC. He has ruined friendships I had — others warned me. My family used to adore him. No more. He’s not worth it especially since he doesn’t see me for my full potential ! Don’t waste time Wheat, move on and be happy! Don’t be someone’s 2nd best, fallback girl! Much luv.
I’ve been NC with my EUM for about a month now. I’ve come to recognize some things about myself that I need to change and work on. Since this has come about I’m experiencing anxiety. I meditate, journal and exercise and nothing is able to control my reeling thoughts. I also found out the the EUM had another girlfriend on the side for 7 months while seeing me too. I’m feeling depleted, stupid, used and abused. I need to forgive myself and move on but I’m having trouble doing so. As I continue to work through my fears, change and forgiveness will this get better? Is this my body saying, this is going to be hard and it resisting?
If you are the person who enjoys sports, you’ll be able to meet a
fantastic match in Bristol this way. Totally impossible
for all of us to choose one of the numerous restaurants using this location. Jealousy
will still only eat you up and leave you feeling bad, sad and
unloved.