The more and more emails and comments that I read about how women deal with emotional unavailability and the aftermath, is the more concerned I become about whether recovering Fallback Girls recognise some dangerous things that they may be doing to potentially draw them back into the cycle.
Dating and being cautious. Going on dates, being suspicious, being scared, worried that he’s going to turn out like all of the others, downplaying him like you’re settling for fear of ending up with another assclown.
No contact and obsessing about him. Cutting contact is a means of opening up your life to change. It is a beginning, not an end, however, and this is a big however, obsessing about the man you have cut contact with is actually another way of keeping contact.
No contact and obsessing about no contact. Thinking about the fact that you have cut contact, living in fear of contact from him, planning what you’ll say or do, deciding you’ll be too weak to deny him, and much more.
Now I don’t deny that it is hard to change a big habit, but many have done so before you, and if you empower yourself to believe in you more than you believe in any assclown crap or your fears, you can change your life too.
But you won’t change it if you miss the point of why you found yourself at this juncture in the first place.
In my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I explain how low self-esteem, lack of trust, and fear are the core drivers of your beliefs about yourself, love, and relationships.
“Women all over the world have very negative relationships with themselves yet they expect to create positive relationships with others that will in effect, cancel out any negative feelings that they carry about themselves. They discover over time though, that no matter who they involve themselves with, good, bad, or indifferent, or no what they do, and where they go, they can’t escape themselves. Whatever negative feelings and beliefs you hold about yourself will colour, not only your vision of the world, but the interactions you have, and the people that you draw in. As a Fallback Girl, you may have been emotionally schooled by either parent to believe that your needs were not important and that your feelings should go unexpressed, so as an adult, even though you want to feel loved and love, you find yourself creating relationship patterns that mirror what you have learnt about yourself in childhood.
In believing that you are of very little importance, you don’t value yourself, and you don’t value what you bring to the table. You might feel disbelief that someone like the Mr Unavailable that has taken up with you could be interested in you, not because you are an awful person, but because you have no idea who you are and how valuable you are as an individual entity. Instead, you feel worthless and by associating with men that help you chase an elusive feeling, you believe that your value will go up by association. This is no different to people who surround themselves with material things to bolster their stature, yet no matter what they buy, it doesn’t change the things that they’re trying to mask.”
So here is the deal ladies:
You don’t just get over a man in a day. Moving on, letting go, healing, closure, no contact and anything else that you do in this process is a beginning and a commitment from you. It’s not ‘Oh I cut contact. The end’ – You have to manage the change in your life. You have to adjust your mentality, your attitude, and your habits.
You will have as little or big success with it as you choose to and if you have little or no success with moving on, it is solely down to you.
When a man attempts to make contact with you or even does, it doesn’t mean you have to accept it.
If he tells you a sob story, you don’t have to listen.
If he offers sex, you don’t have to have sex.
If he knocks at your door, you don’t have to open it.
In reality, you actually don’t have to think about him as much as you do…you just choose to.
Whatever happened to just breaking up? What is wrong with modern dating that we have an avoidance of endings because we want to leave our options open because we’re afraid we may have got it wrong or that they might change?
If you are dating and you feel scared and cautious and don’t know how to trust your judgement, you’re not ready to be dating yet. End of. Take a break for 3 months and actually deal with your issues instead of deciding that you will figure it out en route and then operating out of caution and distrust.
If you are still obsessed with him even though you have cut contact, it is likely that you may need some counselling to help you progress forward. Why? Because people break up with people and cut contact with people all the time that don’t don’t want to let go and they don’t obsess, they move forward. It is a sign that you are not able to cut contact and are more tied to the fears and the cycle of drama.
If you’re obsessed about the fact that you have cut contact, it is a sign that you are not busy or committed to you enough and that you haven’t started to deal with the issue of why you are there in the first place. The reality is that if you have a life that isn’t focused on him, even if he’s not physically in it, you don’t obsess about the fact that you’ve cut contact. You just get on with living.
And that is another problem – existing and not living.
The first issue of dating with too much caution shows that you don’t trust yourself and the latter two issues show that you have a part of you that is hoping that he will change and you are not ready to let go.
If you are going through any of these experiences, do you realise that you are just throwing your life away whilst he gets on with doing his? You’re living a half life and the awful thing is that because you apply a disporporationate amount of thought and worry to him and the relationship than he does, it means that he is experiencing a fraction of what you are whilst your life goes whizzing by in inertia.
Being with inappropriate men and continuing to be with them in spite of obvious poor behaviour is a sign of being afraid of commitment because you’re in a doomed relationship.
Don’t continue the pattern by not being able to commit to yourself.
Your thoughts? Are you experiencing this?
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I’ve only been 1 week with NC and I find I’m still thinking and processing what happened. What is the difference between obsessing and processing how I let myself stay in this relationship?
No contact, while obviously not the easiest road to take, was the best thing I ever did for myself. In the beginning, I did spend some time obsessing, but that got better when I realized that I was making the choice. Of course, it didn’t hurt that I was reading Part 1 of Mr. Unavailable & the Fallback Girl at the time. 😀
He still tries to make contact once in awhile but I have come far enough that it’s more of an annoyance…like a fly that won’t go away…than anything else.
Girls, NML is right! It’s your choice and while it’s not easy, it may be the single best thing you can do for yourself!
Finally, I’m no expert, but from other break ups I’ve had, a week is still EARLY on. I wouln’t think there is a set time period, but maybe after 3 ot 4 weeks if someone doesn’t see SOME progress, one would wonder. Bit by bit over time, one begins to feel a bit better, begins to put more time into other things, less into thinking about it. You’re right…grieving, processing should happen, but gradually it diminishes and other things begin to predominate. It gets smaller and smaller, never totally leaves, I think, because people we care about are always there, but can become quite small. All losses are like that, in my experience. They find their place, but you are living your current life. But it does take time!
Finally Seen The Light – I imagine that obsessing and processing what happened will differ from one person to the next, and *will* change for anyone over time.
I imagine that in general obsessing would be to wonder what he is doing or thinking now. Obsessing would be dwelling on what happened in the past with little thought to how to do different in the future. Obsessing would obscure the choice to move away from the EUM, to forget the change you chose, and worry about today in terms of a relationship with the EUM.
I imagine the difference will be really fuzzy for most people, in the first couple of days. Reviewing the choice to end it, keeping the reasons for making the choice really prominent in mind will help swing solidly to the processing side and eventual healing.
Letting yourself wallow in grief, sorrow, and self pity for a day or three helps to make the choice you made personal and real. It acknowledges the longings you are disconnecting from the assclown. It creates a barrier of time and emotions between ‘harmful relationship with EUM’ and ‘moving on’.
The No Contact Rule both limits the chance that he gets to wreck your choice, and it gives you a structure to handle him. And reviewing your commitment to No Contact, making the rules and strategy part of your life, will reinforce your decision to move on.
NML – wonderful! This is a great insight into some recent comments, as well as answering some really tough questions.
I did all that, obsessing and waiting and chasing. Looking back, I can’t believe I did all that! Cutting contact was Step 1 to change.
NML told me at one point: if you could see what he really is you wouldn’t be chasing him. It all comes down to using people. Don’t be excited if he makes contact, he does that for one reason only: to USE you again.
You are responsible for yourself, nobody else is.
I was married for a long time, took my time to look back at my marriage, seems I was always somewhat of a pleaser.
Don’t be afaid to go on dates and you can’t think, he will be just another loser or he is not as “good” as your EUM, you don’t want another EUM or you will never find happiness.
If we are honest with ourself, there are people out there we have no patience with, we don’t want to associate with and we stay away, we can apply the same to these men.
Good Monday morning to you, NML ! How are you doing ?
I very much experienced this – all of it. I grieved and obsessed over my college boyfrend for seven years. I grieved and obsessed over another married man for five years. I grieved and obsessed over the cop on and off for four years.
I told myself I was just sensitive, that I felt things deeply.
I’ve wasted an enormous amount of time in my life – time that I cannot recover, and for exactly the reasons that you mentioned.
I had a negative relationship with myself – and thought HE was the only source of hope or happiness.
I didn’t work on myself, I was in denial, as well as blind and stuck.
Self-esteem, self-respect and self-confidence were only words to me, and unfortunately meaningless ones at that to me…
I did stay connected to him by obsessing/analyzing.
I said I didn’t know HOW to stop thinking about him.
I didn’t even try to date, and if I did, I rejected them after one or two dates for what I convinced myself were legitimate reasons. I kept myself isolated and lonely,
No contact ? I had no clue what that meant. I wanted him to come back. Desperately.
I did everything possible to avoid understanding that I was part of the issue, and that there were things that seriously needed understanding, examining and healing IN ME.
I needed to have a healthy relationship with myself before I could ever have a heal;thy one with someone else.
I met a nice guy about a year ago who was in the process of getting a divorce. On our 4th date he wanted me to meet his 2 young kids and we would spend all day toegther at Sea World – I sabotaged it by calling the day before and saying I couldn’t get together until the afternoon.
He ended up dumping me on our 9th date, saying he felt smothered.
I realized I treated him like I never would have treated a woman friend.
Thank you for all that you say/write here, Natalie.
I am learning so much strength and wisdom from it.
I see the truth and welcome it. It frees me.
I am learning to value myself.
I am actually looking forward to dating again, whenever that happens. I am going into it a stronger me.
Boundaries make sense now, the most important ones being an AVAILABLE man who values me and shows me with his actions as well as his words that he is consistently interested.
I will walk away from the sexy man who is elusive or thinks I’m needy because I like getting a phone call almost every day, or who says he doesn’t want a committment, or he’s just so busy with everyhting else that I take 10th priority but I need to ‘understand’.
And I’ll no contact with confidence because I’ll see through his b.s./games and he won’t be of any interest to me.
I need to add something: I also cut contact with my ex husband for the same reason, he is poison for me. Some friends ask me, isn’t that a little bit harsh and I can’t explain to them about EUM or Narcissists, they look at me like I lost my mind. But, I don’t have to explain, I will do what is best for me.
I guess you have to experience this in order to understand, I had no clue, I learned from NML, not even a therapist knew about it. As soon as your self esteem is back, you won’t need therapy anymore, at least I don’t.
Whenever a girlfriend talks about her relationship problems, I refer them to this website.
OMG so true! The fear is that he doesn’t want a real relationship with ME. That I don’t have what he wants… that I am lacking something. I wanted to believe that I am good enough, that I am loveable and someone special to him but I never felt it. The guys that did treat me right I always found some reason to reject them.
Even though I have not spoken to the EUM in almost a year I do think about him all the time. I obsess over who he’s playing with now… I try to find out via the grapevine what he’s been doing (small town). GAG!! And yes I have been waiting and secretly hoping that he’d miss me… that he’d realize I really am a great catch… that he’s wasting his time with the women he picks up in bars for a night or a week or a month.
I realize too that I considered HIM to be someone special… interesting, exciting, magnetic. He is an azzclown but I ignored that because I wanted to believe that he was great and if he was interested in/attracted to me I must be someone special too. I was (still am) looking for validation from him and not getting it was frustrating and painful. I’d wonder over and over WHY he treated me the way he did when I was so nice, so easygoing, so accomodating, so much fun. Every time he withdrew I wondered what it was that I had done wrong. Never did I fault him or admit he was rude and had no boundaries, morals, ethics, values other than selfishness.
Kim2,
The man you were involved with is the same type of man I am with. Or trying to get over now.
He actually told me that I was to nice, to kind, to wonderful, and to nieve. That people would take advantage of me. Oh course he never put himself into that catagory.
Maybe Iam all of those. But you know what…its a choice for me. I choice to be nice and all of the above. Its a lot harder to be nice then to be a bitch thats for sure. Thats where the strength comes in that he says that I didnt have because he is so toxic and angry at everyone for almost anything. He expected me to lash out at people like he did. I would never be like that, and if that the only thing I have to walk away with from this messed up relationship, then I will take it…I was not a bitch.
I do obsess about him constantly, what and who he is with, but the truth is I did that through our whole 18 month together, because he always told me that he had opportunities around him everyday, not feeling secure in our relationship or myself, makes my mind go wild. Actually whose wouldnt?
He was there one minute gone the next constantly. 19 months and 19 breakups! even if it was only for 1 or 2 days, it was still him saying that he didnt want a relationship – that it gave him anxiety.
Please I never chased him, he always called me or asked me out again, over and over, which I went willingly and loving him, thinking this is it, this is the time he will tell me that he loves me.
That never happened…it made my adult children sick to see me go through this over and over. Rick would say and do things that were warm and attentive and attrative and then with out notice pull it back. Never once feeling what he was doing to me was mean or screwed up.
Until recently, during this breakup, he did tell me that he has become the person that he lothes the most. The mean, rejecting asshole that I should hate. That I should move on to someone who could love me the way I needed to be loved, but it wasnt him. I stood in shock to hear this..and cried wondering what is wrong with me that he cant love me! Unfortunately Im still there. Broken to the core. Missing him inspite of his rejections, hanging on to the thought that I may still be the one.
It is so hard to move on when all you want is to be loved.
And you thought that all your time and effort into loving a EUM was going to pay off some how. How I wish I had had a crystal ball to have seen this coming. Now I wish I had a crystal ball to see how I survive this and how long it will take for me not to hold on the magic that we shared when he was really with me.
I too am looking for the validation as to why he thought and did mess with my feelings.
I hope in time that I will be able to feel something with someone else…right now that feels like it will or wont happen, because Im 1 Im still too connected and 2 he has stripped that part of me away in to a emotional abyss i feel forever.
I hope you are doing better now, and it would be nice to hear how you are doing and how you managed to survive. It will help me to know that I will get there someday. 🙁
🙁 This artick makes complete sense to me. Just wish I could get my head and heart on the same page. I am constantly second–guessing myself and my decisions. I’m sure it goes back to childhood when i was not “allowed” to make my own decisions. Then as a young adult when the decsions I did make were “wrong”. Do any others have this issue? I’ve noticed that my brothers and sister seem to have the same problem. None of us seem to be able to decide on anything – not even where to go eat!
Anyway, the EUM in my life makes me question myself. Like now, for instance, he still tells me he does not want to be a “boyfriend” but acts more accepting of us as a “couple”. He said he just “has to learn”. Am I supposed to be teaching him this crap? I am not just a little afraid that I’ll be doing all the “work” with this guy for the benefit of some other chick that he chooses later on. He has the perfect excuse – annie, I’ve never promised you anything.
How in the world do I KILL the hope I have that he will one day see me as someone of value in his life? Someone worth keeping? NC can only work if your heart is really in it.
annied – I am the same way. Maybe we have the same mother? We were never allowed to make decisions/choices either. Anything we did was “That’s okay but….” or “It would have been nice if you’d done it differently”. Even as adults our mother still tries to control us. We can’t go to a restaurant but she has to pick which one, where we sit, where we park, what we order. If we order something diff than she suggested she pouts and won’t talk. No lie!! We are in our 40’s and she still does this. We have each tried cutting contact with her but she calls the other two siblings crying and ranting about how poorly she’s being treated and how she won’t come to Xmas dinner if the “bad” daughter is there. We finally just gave up and let her have her way. She’s never wanted to spend time with her grandchildren and wonders why they don’t come and visit her now. She expects us to drop whatever we are doing and help her, expects us to give up plans to come out and paint her house, work on some project, etc.
So I was raised to be a people pleaser. Had to in order to protect myself. She’d slap the cr@p out of us (leather belts, wire hangers, etc.) and as kids we had to work – a lot. That’s how I got to be so insecure because I always had to anticipate her moods and learned how to dance around them. I still don’t trust my own opinions because if I’m wrong I’ll suffer for it. That is my auto pilot response to everything. My one sister and I have both been to couseling and the suggestion was to not have anything more to do with mother. That would mean being cut off from the entire family because she is a drama queen and tells everyone how terrible her daughter is and that we are liars, etc. Everyone knows her game now and doesn’t believe half of what she says but that is the environment I grew up in.
At 48 I have not had any successful fulfilling relationships. Was married four years in my 20’s to a compulsive gamble and liar. Hard to trust anyone. The genuinely nice guys bore me. For some reason (mother) I am attracted to the bad boys that can’t be trusted, can’t be monogamous, can’t be depended upon. It wouldn’t suck so much if I wasn’t so lonely. I have great friends but geesh… I can’t sleep with them and I like sex too.
Just to add… when my mother would say “It would have been nice if you’d…” wasn’t ever said in a nice way. What she meant was it was crap but would have acceptable if done her way. No matter what it was – food you cooked, something you made, color you painted your walls, car you bought, guy you dated, grades you got.
My mother was mean. I grew up being treated poorly. I don’t think I deserved it but I still don’t expect better. Low expectations and the belief that I have to do all the pleasing… that I have to prove myself… that I have to make sure the other person is happy and never dissatisfied or disappointed with me. Unrealistic isn’t it? Apparently I am nuts 🙂
Kim2 … omg, I’m not alone! Only difference here is this is my father and not my mom. My mom just totally ignored us – that was awesome. Anyway, like you, my father was not nice about us making bad decisions – in fact, he was horrible and verbally abusive. Phrases i can remember are: If you had another brain, it’d be lonesome – I have more brains in my pinky than all you kids put together … you know, uplifiting stuff for a child to hear. We were told what to do as well as how and when to do it. If you tried your own way – fail or not – you were an idiot.
I too am in my 40’s and have married twice – men who just didnt really like me that much. A perpetual pleaser – I am trying really hard to break myself of it. But, you know, there is much to be UNdone first. My dad never saw any of my children born. Never knew them until they were older.
I am so sorry you too have to deal with this stuff. My therapist (a while back) went so far as to call my dad psychotic – but he is my dad. Still trying to run my life but the way I look at it, when he’s gone – he’s gone and no matter what, I will miss the FIRST man of many that I tried to win over. It all has to be connected.
Great post. I’m going through a lot of this right now. I’ve been obsessing/trying to get over/backsliding with my EUM for the past YEAR. I’m finally on the right track. How I wish I had just kept up with no contact after the first 60 days of no contact last December. But no – I hadn’t really sorted through a lot of the issues with myself and I allowed myself a few backslides.
My last backslide was in May. Then I went into a justifying period where I thought we could be friendly. About 10 days ago I realized I was lying to myself. I’ve had no contact since then and it’s permanent this time. I’m done making excuses – “oh I work with him, it’s too uncomfortable to be distant”, blah, blah, blah.
And I was just thinking the other day that sometimes thinking about no contact is just as bad as having contact. And NML hit it on the head – it’s its own form of obsession.
I know that my ex EUM is living his life and I am of no concern to him. I don’t care to know what he’s doing with it or who he’s doing it with. I will never be at a point where I can be friends with him. Fact of the matter is we were INCOMPATIBLE as a couple in a real relationship. All the laughter, sex, fun, etc…. doesn’t except the fact that he did not want to have a relationship with me. Why would I want to continue being friends with someone like that?
Right now I am not ready to start dating. I’ve been feeling pulled towards some of my typical unavailable men (I have 4 types of EUMs to whom I am attracted) and I am turning them away or turning myself away.
What I have learned/am learning is that I like myself very much and I like the people in my life that are my true friends. I even like my work colleagues that I wouldn’t consider “friends” but consider quality people. And I see that I am very happy living a life full of positive energy. There is no need for EUMs. I don’t care if I never kiss another man for the rest of my life, never mind sex. Hopefully it won’t come to that. But – if it was between celibacy and another EUM – I’d choose celibacy.
So, I’m going it alone for a little longer – no dating just yet. My goal is that by October 1 will put myself on an online dating site and start dating again – unafraid, with high self esteem and with a fresh new healthy perspective on dating, love and relationships. I’m leaving my old self and old patterns behind.
This site is great – always so timely. Good luck everyone!
THANK YOU NML.
Thanks for taking the time to write this article. I needed to read this.
God Bless
Marie
My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry
hi Ladies.. great post.. I have decided something the past few weeks.. First, i’m on almost 2 months of NC, and doing great.. i have set backs, but i can’t do anything about them, they come and go.
I have realized to finally do something for me!!! As i have posted numerous times in “breaking up and cutting contact part 1″… me and my EUM were introduced by a mutual guy friend, who i am still close with. We have had the “talk” about the EUM, and the guy has told me he is bad news, keep moving forward. IN the past few months, we have remained friends and kept the EUM out of our convos, but i just realized that they still hang in the same cirlce of friends, although their friendship in general has soured…As i move toward healing, which i am doing day by day, i find that my friendship with this guy, is still a connection to my EUM, a connection, I cannot handle. I have made all the right moves by cutting contact, and it seems little things come up even if it’s just that “oh, he wont be there, he’s traveling for work”.. i DONT’ WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM OR WHAT HE IS DOING..
I need to do what’s right for me, and for now, i need to cut contact with our mutual friend. I’m not afraid to say i’m not strong enough yet to handle it, but i will say i’m strong enough to know what is good for me, and i’m not fking this up now, i have come too far. No one else has to deal with bits and pieces of their ex EUM.
I am finally sick of trying to save people’s feelings, like my mutual friend, and remain friends close with him in an attempt to not have my EUM ruin our friendship, but that’s not the case.
No contact is new beginning, new people, new friendships and a new slate.
I have been hurt too bad to think i can handle that, bc i can’t..
I will say, i’m doing better every day, and will never turn back. I
any input?
Shelia, I have a similar problem, by brother is good friends with my ex EUM’s sis in law. That is how we met. My brother used to date his sis in law for many years, her and I became best friends. When her sister left her husband for another man, she fixed me up with him – in fact she pushed him on me, I was very reluctant. Anyway when her sister found out and was mad, my friend
turned on me and acted like it was all my doing and that she had nothing to do with it. I have not spoken to her since, and that was 2 years ago. My brother and this girl are still friends even though they broke up many years ago, they share dogs so they have to talk every day. So I always have to hear little things about them through my brother. I can’t stop talking to my own brother, so I try to just ignore him when he brings them up. By the same token I am sure my brother says stuff about me to them.
I have decided that what will be really great is when I move on and find a new guy and am really happy, I am sure it will get back to my ex through my brother. So I will get my revenge eventually.
I would recommend for you to spend as little time with this mutual friend as possible. Someday when you have someone new and are happy maybe you can be friends again.
This article is a clear reflection of me… It has been two months since he did the dirty on me and I can’t let him go.
I tell myself how stupid my thinking and obessing is and that he is really NOT thinking of me he is just going on with his life and probably in his own limited way enjoying himself thoughts of me don’t interrupt him when he is out doing his stuff hes not crying himself to sleep nor waking up crying because he hasn’t heard from me. It is definately time for me to grow a healthy liking for myself focus on me and let go. He is not responsible for how I feel about myself and whether I approve of myself or not it is my responsibilty to go out there and live life.
Childhood taught me to be a people pleaser too and to anticipate moods of others and act accordingly never trusting in my own thoughts feelings and opinions. And that it feels good to feel so bad…
You are right NML I am like I am because I am choosing daily to think this way to let myself cry and cry and to let myself think there must be something wrong with me because one he doesn’t call and two because he rejected me with one hurtful decsion he made. I do feel better a little I have been re reading your first book and other books and am choosing not so much to dwell on it all. Making myself a little busier and concentrating on what needs to be done in my life.
AMEN!
Dear NML,
Good article as usual!! I will be honest with you, I am not scared to date men, but I dont want to!
I dont know, but I think I dont need a man…..Your articles and comments of readers are really helped me, finally I realised that I can live without my EUM….Its doesnt mean, that I lost hopes or something, I just dont have this need and desire to date anyone:-) My life far better and interesing without all these time-waisters!!!
Hey guys.
An epic -but worth a read if you are going crazy over a EUM. I finally said goodbye to an EUM who had the ‘open door’ in my life for over 4 years after our original breakup -that I had initiated and had blamed myself ever since. I have learned a lot.
I was 25 and confused as to why my instincts told me to break up with him -and I didnt handle things right (I was still learning and put it this way -before him I came straight out of a 6 yr relationship with a controlling guy, a best friend of mine had died, my parents had a messy divorce when I was a teenager that went on for years into my adult life, and on top I never knew my real father -I guess you could say I had some stuff to work on and wasnt my best when we were together 😉 and I came to realise I handled things wrong.
Some points to know about him – he had in the past a typical ego and subconsciously blamed me for everything that went wrong, he could not apologise and his behaviour showed he was ambivilant and encouraged insecurity. He was a passive aggressive -so he couldnt deal with confrontation and would disapear as soon as things got uncomfortable (just like my step dad ironically! -pattern here?).
I have always been quite an honest and upfront person (only once getting to know someone). We were together 3 years originally so I figured this time we had known each other too long for immature games. How wrong I was. I fell into this trap -and as the saying goes:
“never wrestle with a pig, you will both get dirty but the pig will love it!”
During two years where I hadnt got in contact I did a lot of soul searching and changed my behaviour for me as I wanted to deal with past issues. Subsequently my implication in dramatic liasons subsided. I started to date nice guys. Things got really good and simple in my life.
When he next contacted me I genuinely wanted to be friends and to put the past behind us not realising his motives. The next time I got in contact -I implied that I was sorry for the part I played in our past and that I was happy to move on, not expecting him to reply -this was part of my healing and I assumed it would help me move on.
I then met a another guy and then my ex -got in contact a few months later saying he missed me and that “some things dont go away”.
Since so much time had elapsed I thought maybe we had both changed, and after a few months I agreed to see him -and broke up with my guy and told my ex I was now out of the relationship. Bad idea. I think I hurt his ego here…check this out….
So anyway my ex and I had a nice meeting -nothing emotional was discussed -but that was ok as we were just getting to know each other again. I figured it would be the start of many getting to know you sessions. But when we left -he didnt mention when we would see each other again and I felt a familiar emptiness (first warning). Thats when the hot and cold began, the excuses, the pulling back, the lets just be friends, the time references ie; You just got out of something, Its too early to discuss emotions, I cant explain right now, I am busy at work blah blah blah. Always emails, never calls or arranged meetings. …I stayed rational, I laughed at it, I made the mistakes -I kept a distance, kept relaxed not wanting him to freak out. I used reason, negotiation (all wrong!!).
In my mind though, I was not the same naive girl I was when we first got together. So, although I had strong feelings, In my head I decided to give him a time limit -to see how he would behave if I kept calm and honest.
Last month was the end of the time frame, and it was enough time to see that he was not the man I thought I was in love with. When I asked him cooly; why it was we had only met once in the best part of a year -and that I would disapear unless he told me what was going on he said “I have been in a relationship and we just broke up -for other reasons -I should have said something perhaps -but well, we all make mistakes and learn…”.
My jaw was agap. Not only had he lied to me for 10 months and barely even acknowledged it “we all make mistakes” (well thats ok then -as long as you learned so quickly dear….its okay you kept me in the dark and on the back burner for 10 months while you were with someone else *eye roll*).
He had sent emotionally implicated emails (somethings dont go away) the hot – the sexually implicated emails (that I would not engage in till I was certain -thank goodness) and this was all while he was in this ‘relationship’ and this excuse was supposed to account for why he didnt call and we hadnt met to get to know each other again.
I kept my cool.
We were due to meet up last month -to discuss this. I read the ebook, which was a final reminder of how far I had come. I chose not to meet him even though it was really tempting to get dressed up and knock him dead -so-to-speak…
This doesnt work no matter how hot you are as it isnt just about looks to him its to see what hoops you will jump through and he wants some no strings bedtime fun -esp if he says ‘lets just be friends for now’….or ‘I have a spare room’ yeah…right…
When he sms’d me I didnt reply (if it was this bad now what would happen if we got intimate?) My choice was to avoid further risk and write a succint goodbye email explaining I would not be in contact again and the reasons why I didnt meet him (couldnt care what he thought as it gave me closure) and I send it. I wanted to leave things honest , calm and clear -good Karma -no matter what he had tried to do to me intentionally or otherwise -I am better than that and my ego didnt need him to validate me or pursue me further. (Isnt it great we are not all deluded by the weight of the ego?).
I deleted all my email accounts and changed my numbers. Trust me boys and girls -this is THE only way the NCR is fool proof -as it eliminates the obsessing as to why he/she has/hasnt called. -Take control and the pain will subside I promise.
I allowed myself three days to wallow, and then I picked myself off -my confidence came from making a CHOICE and putting myself first and making a healthy rational and REAL adult decision not based on the heart.
If you find it harder than me -seek counselling, the doctor -use whatever resources are necessary -just make a plan to change and heal. Its exciting to start the real process of meeting someone and it being healthy -Imost men are great, and not all of them are like this! But its also good to be on my own and find out more about myself (its a work in progress!) so its a win win situation.
Sometimes the doubt tries to kick in -its human nature; yet I know if we got back together I would have been miserable and in turn made him miserable (he needs to sort himself out in his own time). You cannot win with people like this -no matter how secure you are. I have learned a real precious lesson -trust your instincts -if you feel bad -you probably are in a bad situation. Its that simple.
Dont let drama and intensity be a substitute for real love.
Dont allow someone to get away with lying about something important to you -EVER -if someone can be so blase about something so important to you -there is your answer loud and clear.
Always judge someone on their ACTIONS not what they tell you. It will tell you everything you need to know.
Give yourself a timeframe and observe how they behave -give them a chance to prove to you how rubbish they really are.
Dont try to analyse them -let them screw it up themselves, dont put too much effort in if you suspect EU behaviour.
NCR -CHANGE your contact details -dont delude yourself -you cant be real friends with people like this.
Take responsibility for your life and take comfort that the best lessons are the most painful ones -it is why we are here -to learn. You will recover and in time feel grateful for the gift their behaviour has given you.
🙂 Peace
Hi all,
I think the reason my assclown didn’t want to see me was because he was too busy
emailing texting and talking to everyone of you on this site!!!
surely it’s the same guy!!
Every email I read of yours hit’s a resonance of my experience
Onepinkmartini I’ve just had the exact same experience, two years in contact. The three times I saw him in those two years he was wrapped around another woman. Yet he justified it and made it my fault every time. Boy was I in a bad place.
Thanks for keeping me on track and thanks so much for this site, whenever I feel a pang I come straight here to get me back on track. It’s been 1 month since NC and I keep catching myself in pure bliss moments..
I heart myself saying…I’m excited by my life…and I actually feel it! I just made my first movie and feel I have found my life back richer and more rewarding than I ever imagined…thanks to no man. But i do thank God…and whose to say she’s a man.
Keep up the good work
De
I was on almost 2 weeks of no contact when Mr. EUM texted me, saying he “missed me a lot and still loved me.” The next day he called. I could have ignored him, but I just had to know what he had to say. Was he calling to apologise? Explain? Talk about us finally? Give the relationship another try? So I answered.
BIG mistake.
He never said sorry. I persisted in trying to get him to explain his behavior and I tried to get him to understand the hurt I was going through because of him. He said very little. I asked him if he though that he treated me well and he said “no.” He said that he had to go and that he’d call me later in the night so that we could resolve our issues.
You guessed it. He never called back.
Any sane person would have washed their hands of the matter, but not me. I called (no answer) and texted, with the last text saying that if he did not respond that was truly the end of us. Then I stopped dead in my tracks – I was now being the pursuer! This madness had to stop.
FYI, He never responded to my text.
Although I was hurt, it was actually therapeutic as I understood ONCE & FOR ALL that it was OVER. That he doesn’t not truly care about me or even love me. I guess I had to have that emotional knife thrust deep into my heart, twisted and rammed back in again to understand that it is OVER.
The next day as I was walking past a store I heard a tap on the window & there was the fool, waving and smiling at me like we were the best of friends. I gave a slight acknowlegment & kept on walking.
I am back on NC with renewed vigour. The fact that he admitted that he KNEW he wasn’t treating me good and seemed indifferrent to the fact was what I needed to purge myself of his toxic self. This time I want to succeed. I look forward to not having him in my life and to the day when the hurt subsides. I’ve gone through the gamut of emotions from hurt, anger, sadness, disappointment and acceptance. Now I feel incredulous that I actually tolerated his not calling me, not taking me out or being emotionally available for so long.
I realised that what I thought was NC before was just a cooling off period to see if he would come back. I would wonder if he missed me and if this time apart would make his heart grow fonder for me.
It didn’t.
I want nothing to do with him. He has been blocked on my email and instant message and deleted from my phone (I can’t block him as the service is not provided by my carrier) I am so certain that I will NEVER go back with him that I decided to post here (as a reminder). I would rather roll a peanut with my nose over the Brooklyn Bridge before I go back with that fool.
*Empowered*
Follow up
I also wanted to add that I also felt insulted that Mr. EUM would THINK that how he treated me was “the way” to win me over adn keep me. Puleeeese!
And my post shoudl have read that I felt incredulous that I tolerated his emotional UNAVAILABILITY for so long.
*Cheers*
Oh, Cynnie,
I am really sorry, I am so angry with your EUM, what a b””’d!!!
Stay strong, I think you made a right decision by meeting him, at least you know that he is not worth it! His lost!
Take care, I wish you all the best!!!
I can definitely relate to the “dating and being cautious and not trusting your judgement” — now I do, thank goodness! For some reason, I was always so scared to because I thought everyone else had the answers but me… and that I was “Crazy”… that is because of my upbringing but thank god I moved past that. I even severed ties with my caretaker a year ago so that sets the perdiciment for healthy relationships in the future.
All the things you say, you know deep inside. The last guy I wanted to just break up… in fact after his inappropriate and mind boggling behavior after leaving my house I called him on the phone and told him we are no longer dating, then in turn he said a few things that had me doubt myself (wasn’t in the position to be dating) … this isn’t about him, just the lesson at hand that it’s obvious we need to be healthy woman first so we don’t attract these assclowns. I remember an ex when I was 23 (now 27) — (assclown texter, IMer, email) but when in hot persuit was calling… dinners, etc… he had me on his buddy list all this time (up until 4 months ago) and would shoot a friendly “hello” but I wasn’t being true to myself… this guy wouldn’t commit and that is why I stopped dating him… he also said some nasty things to me and didn’t treat me right… why on earth would I keep communication with this tool? Finally, I woke up after (thank god) we were going to meet up for a drink and he didnt follow through so in turn I knew the game and didn’t want to play it any longer — and will never even talk to him again (not out of anger) just moved on COMPLETELY… but it’s just crazy the rationalizations we make for these assclowns… but more so, in ourselves… learning to love ourselves (part of trust too) is so rewarding in all aspects of life, so thankful for waking up and wanting to live in reality with myself to be furfilled and happy… and dismissing crumbs!
I am currently in the heartache of a breakup with a very complicated soul. We began our saga with a long affair, which two times ended but inevitably, began again. And each time it ended, the catch phrase was ‘couldnt give me more’ and ‘you know I like you’ and each time it began, it was ‘realizing that there are more feelings there than expected.’
I had just gone through a breakup after 4 years, and it was ok for me not to be bound to someone, but more and more after these breaks, I became bound to my affair and feelings developed. We were also, in public amongst our friends, very good friends. Then, after the next small breakup, he began dating someone else and then left her because he couldnt get over me, and in a dramatic scene he broke down on my doorstep. In a very rare show of genuine emotion, he declared that wanted to really be with me, that he hated himself for always pushing me away when he felt me getting closer. He wanted to be together for real, not in an affair. And we were, for some months. And, honestly, he treated me wonderfully, every one of our friends declared a huge change in him, emotional, happer, but there was always a reoccurring feeling of slight distance that kept me wary. We were planning for the summer for him to meet my family, and I decided I needed to scratch the surface, and asked him if his wonderful loving treatment was just to make me happy, or did it really come from him. At that moment he said how happy he was, but two days later, shaking, he broke up. I had flipped the switch – It was all so see-through, seeing his emotional problems just flip on and shut me out, the old wall was suddeny around him. I have learned that at these moments, he sees me as the problem, that I am not ‘right’ for him’, and that he needs to keep me away.
Although the breakup talk started with his usual wall of impassiveness, soon he broke down completely, this man that never shows himself as weak. We had very dramatic discussions, and it seems, he just can’t commit to me. And yet, even though he left, he said he wanted to try, he just couldn’t do it, and it would be a lie if he did. I found that at least honest.
My problem is that although it has been a month of no contact, it is hard to know that someone can’t jump over his own shadow, even though he even admits he wants to. Of his own free will he has been in emotional cognitive therapy for a while, and after this breakup I learned from a mutual friend that he went back. His childhood was coo coo for coconuts crazy – he could be a case study – and its a miracle that he at least realises that he needs help with these things.
And because I see someone trying so hard, and being honest with me, I can’t seem to just get angry at my loss and move on, because I care for him and do genuinely believe that he cares for me.
And yet, EUM is the unmistakeable pattern. This time the catch phrase was the same – he couldnt give me more – but why do I actually crave the moment when he comes back and starts all this hurt from the beginning? Although its nonsense, I feel so close to reaching the core of him, because he took steps with me that he has never taken before, and each time, our episodes seem to break down more and more of his emotional walls. I hear him say I am not ‘right’ for him and he runs away- only to hear later the absolute opposite and more. I know for a lot of you, this is sounding familiar, but its all new to me.
The no contact thing is the worst because I feel I have lost a good friend, and we unfortunately have the same job and same friends and can’t avoid each other 100 pro. Ladies, give me a good talking to, I guess I need tough love.
Siv,
The guy I was friends with, in the end lied so much I really don’t know what if anything I liked about him was real. I thought we were friends, however he said a lot of vaguely hurtful things early on that got more hurtful and blatant the longer I knew him. There were a number of times when he would look pained and even cry. However now I realize he did it just for affect. Once it was at this one person show where the person’s sister dies. For me it was sad but not tear-worthy. Yet here’s this guy I’m with crying–now I know he made a point to let me see his tears to show how sensitive he is. Yuck. This guy also talked about changing and how one should be intentional in their choices–all BS on his part–the only thing he was intentional about was doing his best to subtly make me feel bad–that my age, my car, my computer, etc were faulty even thought they suit me perfectly fine and even though he’s older than me, has no car, I have two computers–I mean really. Today I had an epiphany about him–he felt so familiar in the beginning–well my dad is a bit of a EUM, although he’s changed a lot through the years and my brother is definitely one. He can’t even commit to coming to dinner on the same day. Sad… Anyway, I find even the honestly of these guys all about them and usually very dramatic–the crying you describe fits all that. So I’d say it’s honestly wrapped up in hyperbole. Which is not so honest to me.
OK so reading this one has made me finally feel like writing things down myself. Seems to be a first step towards getting an idiot out of your life after all.
I realise I have always been a pleaser – I think this stems from my brother who was 12 years older than me and very jealous when I was born, my early childhood memories are of him being physically, verbally and psychologically abusive and I remember more than anything wanting him to like me so he would be nice instead, a pattern which extended into life at school where I was simply way too “soft” – as a child I had asthma so bad for most of the summer I had to stay indoors which meant I didn’t get social time or acceptance by peers and as a result was bullied.
My relationships have always been long term and with EUMs, which seems strange that I have managed to get them to actually stick by me – I was always the one to leave and now realise that I am EU myself, staying in relationships where I was devalued – there was always another woman involved even if it was just as friends and higher value placed on her, everyone’s needs were important other than my own – and, typically, the next woman in their lives were treated far better and “I want to do it right for her/make a go of it for her” – wow, thanks!
I’m not proud of what I am about to say. I was in a long term relationship which was pretty much dead – but felt that if I left the guy would flounder too much (manic depressive) and he would tell me he couldn’t live without me. He wasn’t able to have sex, for physical reasons – and at first I thought I could help him with that, but before I knew it many years had passed without sex but with drama and drama after drama. I did leave him, below, he had a new girlfriend within THREE DAYS of me leaving which suggests he had already been looking, whom he also can’t have sex with and whom he complains to me about. I am still in contact with him cos my stuff is still there, I am considering if I should go NC but he isn’t causing me any pain.
Unlike this guy I am now into around 2-3 weeks of NC with (I don’t want to keep count, seems too much concentration on him). I was online with him, got talking and didn’t take much notice at first as we were playing an online game together. Over time tho he got my attention and we moved onto MSN and camera and he was talking about wanting me to be with him, I should be there, the usual rubbish I guess. I thought I had found my soulmate, he wasn’t an attractive guy and just seemed so caring and wonderful and loving …
Little things though. My blood ran cold when he mentioned (how I wish I had listened to that) a girl from his past who “wasn’t very attractive” whom he had bumped into in a bar who had a guy with her who was very angry with him. He purportedly said “Hey, I’m her friend, I want to make sure she’s alright and happy” and then was appalled that this girl’s date “acted like an asshole” towards him.
I should have listened, but I did remember those words. Lots of other things too – “there was this girl who wanted me but she married someone else”, “this girl turned round and slept with my best friend”, and he is still in close daily contact with his major ex, the only one he spent more than a short time with – again, I took this as a sign that he must be a nice guy if they can stay friends.
It was always all about him – he used to actually sing a little song to say so!!!!!!
You know the score already, ran hot hot hot then suddenly “I don’t know what I want, maybe it’s better to end it now before you hate me”. I said fine, forget it then and he cried … and those tears made me stay. Oh if I’d only known, he had never made me cry and I felt terrible – had I known what would happen then I’d have simply cut the call and done NC right then and there.
On off on off – he wouldn’t play the online game any more, had zero interest but wanted me to be in voice in MSN with him whilst he worked – bear in mind this was in the middle of the night for me and I did it because I was often awake early. We had “grown past” that, he said – then the emails went from lots a day to totally ignored and although I was due to fly out to meet him he wouldn’t discuss it, no plans made etc. When I finally did go there he still had no desire to discuss plans. I did get a text when I landed saying “any food requests?”. I mean really!!! It didn’t help that I was already ill with the starts of glandular fever when I arrived, I guess, but his actions were not of his words and I found myself asking him if he was sorry I had come, he said no and started being a bit nicer. God I was so blind, so invested in all that had happened that it simply HAD to work … I know this will resonate to some of you.
Now, all throughout the time he had told me that he loved him even when blowing hot and cold and he told me he loved me then – there were some moments in that trip where I believed he was feeling it and this is what trips me up every time: is he REALLY that bad or were all the various issues on both sides the problem and is he really hurting inside, is it my unreasonable nature that drove him to this when all he wanted was to love me … STOP! Reading this site has made everything clear!
Anyway I came back and was ill, with memories of being promised about going back there, plans for the future etc etc … he went out on NYE and went silent on me. Yep. That’s what I thought too, and then I was all “needy” because I was ill apparently.
Well, quite. This limped on a while till the eve of Valentines when realising it was unlikely I would even get a text let alone anything else I decided to fly to see a friend for his birthday (spending it with him and his boyfriend, so nothing to be jealous about). He didn’t take kindly to this, in retrospect I guess I wouldn’t have either but I also wouldn’t have been blowing hot and cold. He said maybe he loved me in “a different way” and then said that my weight was 50-75% of the issue. !!!!
Though went back to it when I was offline after I tried NC the first time … you got it, without any proper understanding I ignored an email and got a text a few days later begging me to tell him I was ok which I took as genuine concern.
I decided to move to a new country, a move which was going great until I heard tale of a similar story where it was 10 years later and the feelings were still there. This is now the stupidest thing I have ever done because of course I still had rose tinted specs all that time and was getting emails from him where he was still saying “a great adventure for you for a year or two” and how much he missed me, couldn’t believe how strong I was to do something so brave etc etc … I thought “well I still feel the same towards him under all this” and I told him so. He said he still definitely had feelings for me and we got talking again … going great till I uncovered a bunch of minor lies by omission and then it hit me again, the gut wrenching anxiety and the spinning out of control feeling. A couple of days later after I was APOLOGISING to HIM he said he thought he had wanted it back again but he realised he didn’t RIGHT NOW and that he would never say never in the future (the very thing that caused me to dump him before) but not in the short-mid term. The feelings from this was worse than the first time because in the meanwhile I had made a new life and now it had this crap in it again (proving you can run but not hide). A few weeks later he said that he had been contacted out of the blue by someone he had never told me about from 15 years earlier for whom the feelings had never really gone away … I just sent a message saying it was a shame he couldn’t have been honest with me, time for me to set aside feelings for someone who would never return them and bye.
Start of NC. All his mails have been set as filter to be instantly deleted so I can’t see them or can’t weaken and check, his numbers are deleted but can’t be blocked and he NEVER called me anyway and never would – he is deleted and blocked from messengers etc.
It used to tear me apart thinking I had done terrible unforgiveable things but no I’d just been human and occasionally PMT (very bad PMT but normal really). Reading the site here, having a good friend who sat me down and told me about narcissism (he was in therapy a good long while after a thorough pasting from Ms Assclownette) and simply thinking things through made me realise that he is an idiot and I need to start applying the huge amount of love I have to give to someone who truly needs and deserves it: myself.
I am dating again, extremely casually and with someone EUM but it’s not with any expectation of anything further. Dinner now and then etc, as an expat in a city where the local language is NOT easy it’s actually as friends with benefits but also I am aware that it could work just as well without the sexual benefits. After so many years settling for sexlessness (still the case with that particular ex’s new girlfriend too, nothing to do with me OR her, just the way it is) I realise that this is my Achilles Heel so I am going into therapy and also working very hard on improving my own life and self esteem. I always had self respect, the thing I can’t forgive this asshat for is robbing me of time and being the reason I took such a dent in my confidence and self respect.
Still, I have a new life with new challenges now. Despite all I have said above, I am not a victim and I refuse to be beaten down. Thank you NML, and all you ladies on here, for helping me see with absolute clarity exactly what the reality is – I do see this guy whom I loved unreservedly for what he is and understand that if you are dazzled by a narcissist don’t be sad because the wonder and beauty you feel are created BY YOU and you’re seeing your own self.
EUM even said to me that no one had ever been nicer to him in his life apart from his mother and that she “had had to be”. He knows it was that text which stopped me moving on then, I used to wonder if he would text again but I don’t any more. Personally, I don’t think he will.
If he is reading this – possible, let’s face it a lot of these guys get a kick out of it – I don’t hate you. I wouldn’t waste my spirit on hating you, you’re already aware that life’s winners don’t own 14 guitars and make a point of going on about it, yet can’t play a whole song at will. You’re BENEATH contempt 🙂
Im at one and a half (-; weeks NC with my eum of 2 years. We live about 1 and a half hours apart, and all 2 years he insisted that he wouldn’t do a LDR again (owies from the past). Yet we talked every night, saw each other nearly every weekend and slept together regularly (with some month long breaks here and there while he [I suspect now] pursued other FBGs). We were both just out of relationships when we met. His, little did I know, was not nearly as OVER as mine was.
Recently an old friend of mine started pursuing my eum (after a conversation with me about how much I liked him and had come to want a relationship, even though he would not consent). They’ve developed a sort of relationship, sexual at least (she is also sleeping with a MM), and he has tried in the past few weeks to slowly disengage from me and blow cold – while in his occasional phone conversations with me, blowing hot and even suggesting that he may move to my city (to give me a crumb to hang onto I imagine).
I asked him if things had changed and he was seeing someone else, he said no. However I found out otherwise from a mutual friend – whom he confessed to – and also confessed that he didn’t want a relationship with either one of us. After he found out, that I’d found out and was “very hurt” he called me once (didn’t leave a message) and I didn’t answer – that was about 5 days ago. I had planned on NC and not returning his next call, but that bomb – of him sleeping with my old friend – gave me even more reason, but also more hurt and feelings of powerlessness to deal with my NC.
The problem for me is that I can’t stop thinking about them together and wondering what their relationship is like – is he different with her? Is she what he wants? Does she have something that I don’t that will magically make him settle down? What if they end up together? I know that he wants to start a business, but feels he needs someone to do it with. She actually volunteered right in front of me to go in with him. So this would be a big incentive for him. But her credit is really bad, she’s an ex drug-user, lost her kids and pays child support and has a criminal record (drugs and domestic abuse). She has a bad reputation around their small town. She is incredibly insecure and sleeps around. But she is incredibly talkative and out-going, which I am not.
I’m just so hurt, for so many reasons, and I can’t stop obsessing! I have some good days…or moments, I should say. And I try to look back and remember all the bad things – and there are plenty – and I read this site religiously to remind myself of what’s really happening with this eum. It’s only been about 5 days since I found out about them. When I was trying to figure out what was going on with him – why he was withdrawing – without knowing about the two of them, I was in much more pain, and miserable – but now that I know, my mind just won’t let go of their possible future – or lack thereof. I’m formulating scenarios in my mind regularly. And I’m also making myself feel better by playing the righteous victim.
I’m seeing my regular therapist in a few days. Maybe she’ll have some strategies for me. But does anyone have strategies to stop obsessing?
And at times, I’m like, I’m just gonna have to obsess for a while – I mean, isn’t there a healthy amount of time I can do this?! I can’t just get up, put a game face on and pretend I’m not hurting!
I am at the beginning stages of the journey. I dated a man, divorced 1.5years ago with 2 kids, for about 5 months. We met on-line and I was immediately attracted to his magentic personality. We saw each other once a week for about a month. We started to spend the night at each other’s houses just cuddling and talking (good conversation). After one of those nights I sent a text in the morning letting him know I was thinking of him. I got a response telling me that he needed to take a bit of a break because he was running himself into the ground with the new job, etc… and that he hoped I’d understand. I responded asking if I’d see him again and he said time would tell. We ended up talking on the phone that night. He told me that his family/friends told him he should just be out dating and meeting people having fun. I felt the need to tell him that I wasn’t looking for anything serious right away. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks. I then reached out with a text to say hi and that I hoped we could catch up soon. He asked me to go out the next night. From that point on we saw each other every other week with a few texts in between. He only called me on the days we were going out/had a plan. Each time we got together we were intimate and slept at each other’s houses. He had wanted things to go further a few times and I told him that it was something I saved for being in a relationship. He told me that it was a catch 22 because he felt that being together in that capacity is what could make things grow into something more. Needless to say I “gave in”. We still only saw each other 2X/month and it started to bother me that he never asked me to go out on a Saturday and when we would go out we would always meet at the place vs. him picking me up (he did two times) and he lived less than 5miles away. I kept making the excuse that it was because he was keeping distance between us so that he could continue to date like he had set out to do. 2 weeks ago I talked with him on the phone and told him that I wanted him to know that I liked him enough to want to spend more time with him but that I also understood that wasn’t an option at this time and that I would also continue to date until I knew if there was something otherwise. I also asked him if he had any “rules” against getting together on Saturdays or Sundays. He mentioned that because he sees his kids every other week that he needs to balance his time with friends, family, dating with the other 1/2 of his time. I was excited when I got off the phone that day because he mentioned getting together 2 times that week (Tuesday and finally a Saturday (during the day though). Saturday came and we went to lunch and to a movie. He held my hand the whole time at the movies and kissed me goodbye when we went to leave each other. The next day I called him and left a message letting him know I had a last minute idea and to give me a call. He texted me late that night to tell me he had just walked in. 3 days later he called me and basically listed all of the things he really liked about me and said that this was one of the most special of relationships in terms of chemisry and compatibilty he had had. He continued to say that most relationships seemd to be on avg eof 75% compatibility and he felt 90% with me. He said that at this stage of his life looking for a lifetime companion, he was looking for 97% and in his gut didn’t feel that we would take our 90 to 97. I feel jipped. I never got a chance to even show him what was possible because we only saw each other 2x/month and it was always dinner followed by a movie and then sleeping over. Breakfast the next day, a quick walk and then he would leave (never saying when he would call or see me again). He didnlt give me the impression he was really serious about finding a lifetime companion as he was dating to have fun. I got so hooked on him and can not stop obssessing over wanting him to come back so that we can spend more time together to make our 90 a 97. I also know it is him that is not allowing that…what do I do to get over this? I keep imagining him with someone else giving her what I deserved.
good lord, is this guys a relationship statistician or something ?
I am so sorry, but the percentage point method analysis is cruel and hurtful behavior in my book. Cruel because it is disrespectful, puts him in the position of ” evaluating and grading ” the relationship, and this leaves you to be evaluated by his standards, which BTW sound ridiculous to me.
Dunno about you but all I ever want, in any relationship, is to feel an equal partner, someone that will work with me when inevitable disagreements surface. And that means working to define things together; no one partner has the upper hand.
You have been gypped because he raised a silly bar, and never noticed he wanted you to jump for him. Not that you should want to anyways ! Way I see him…, it is all about him, his view point, his evaluation of the relationship, his needs. What I do not see is that key ingredient; working to understand the other and ” make” a realtionship 100% by hard work.
What this site is about is taking a hard look at why you want to get back to a guy like this. I believe the hook with these guys comes from the cycle of acceptance/ rejection. The rejection stuff, especially when subtle like his, is very powerful and can keep one jumping through hoops trying to please.
If you are new here, read all over this site. Lots of posts and storeis about not really being all that happy when in the relaionship.. and then wondering why on earth we would want back in when it’s ” over”.
There are so many great posts and so many stories that may make you see it is probably better he is out of you life.
aphrogirl Thanks for responding. I am new here and think this site has a lot of great articles and stories that I have been turning to when I am feeling a “weak” moment coming on.
I really feel like the reason why I want to get back with him is because I feel that I finally found someone that I connected with and was attracted to after a couple of years of searching. He was outgoing, easy to be around and talk to, seemed like he had a close relationship with family, seemed like a great father, successful etc… When I think back I realize that he never really gave me any reason to think I was going to be “the one” but I continued to think if I just relaxed and was patient with him I would not push him away and he would pick me in the end. I keep hoping that if “playing the field” is what he wants to do right now that he will do it and realize that he let a good thing go too soon but then I wonder if he would ever be able to admit that to me or not if that was ever the case….my mind won’t stop…I keep thinking of this over and over.
After we had our last conversation (with the statistics and such) I sent him a text letting him know that I appreciated his open and honest communciation. I also told him that my heart was telling me that this was a mistake and it was too soon to end and that if he found himself feeling the same way and it wasnlt too late that I would be open to hearing rom him. He responded thanking me for my text, wishing me well and said “take care for now”…what des that mean? Of course I am hanging onto the “for now” part….I just don’t understand how someone can tell me that like a puzzle almost all of the pieces fit but there was something missing he couldn’t put his finger on….I feel like the pieces that were missing were all of the things I didn;t get a chance to show because he wasn’t “allowing” us to go to the next step by keeping the distance.
What could some of the reasons be as to why he loved down the street and we knew we would be spending the night with each other but he wanted us to meet at the restaurant vs. picking me up?
I also keep thinking about our lack of day or Sat. night dates. He told me that since he had his kids half the month, he had to balance the other time with family, friends and dating. All this time I thought well maybe he is living it up on Sat. nights with his friends since he had been married for so long but now I wonder if there was someone else for Sat. nights and I was “Ms. Friday night”
I just wish I could stop this thinking/overthinking….
hmmm I see,I have never been the dating type but maybe this is the way of casual or open dating; by definition you can’t commit to another. It sure sounds like he is keeping his options open. You kind of gave him the ok by giving him the space early on and telling him you wanted to date others too.
But, like many of us here, when you realized you wanted more than you were getting and when you told him that …. he was not willing to give it, nor very clearly tell you that he was not willing to give you what you want. “Take care for now” sounds to me means he is managing the relationship – You told him your heart is telling you it does not want it to end, but by saying those words he told you he was ending it for now but maybe you’d connect again later.
So, It’s up to him I guess to decide. Or maybe he figures she’ll be back… and that is something to think about, This kind of answer to a serious comment makes me feel like an unequal partner; he is making the decisions, managing the relationship with rather trite “lines” and intelligent communication about the relationship is not part of it.
If you landed here on a random web search consider yourself lucky. Many women have some degree of Fallback Girl in them, and the author of most of the posts, NML, has written a whole book on that subject.
I have commented many times here as I struggled with the ending of a relationship with a man whom I believed I shared a very deep and special connection with. If you have decided to go NC, because you see that this man is not looking for a serious, respectful and committed relationship with you then keep reading this site.
I found that The EUM excels at ambiguity and that kept me wondering and waiting and hoping. Months after NC I still struggle to understand all the implications of the difficult relationship I put myself through, Writing and reading here is really helpful. These days, whenever useless ruminations pop into my mind I repeated this statement “outloud” in my head ________is not willing to work to have a kind honest relationship with me.” That was the truth, reality keeps me focused on moving forward with NC.
Good luck.
S this sounds like pretty typical unavailability behaviour. You have a choice here. You can run along with this, throwing your self esteem, pride and time which you can never get back right in the bin. OR you can decide that you deserve better than that and not chase.
This is how we end up suckered in feeding the ego of someone who seems like a great guy – to everyone else – but who treats you very poorly.
Aphrogirl- thank you for your thoughtful responses. Everything you stated is exactly the way I had been thinking and feeling about the whole thing. However, something keeps me hanging onto the hope that I will hear from him. I hadn’t felt that type of connection to someone in a long time. The more I have read other articles on this site I hate to admit it but think that maybe I was feeling most connected to what I hoped it would become vs. what it actually was…I just feel like he didn’t really give me the chance. How could I ever show him the type of person I could be for a long term relationship if h seemed to be around only 2X/month (Fridays) to do simply dinner/movie/sleepover and then a coffee/breakfast in the morning every time…??
Butterfly-
Butterfly- Thank you for your response as well. You are right that there are only 2 choices. I know the right thing to do is move on and I am trying to…I just hang onto a hope that he will come back and want to try with me. Thanks again..