love hurts roseThe more and more emails and comments that I read about how women deal with emotional unavailability and the aftermath, is the more concerned I become about whether recovering Fallback Girls recognise some dangerous things that they may be doing to potentially draw them back into the cycle.

Dating and being cautious. Going on dates, being suspicious, being scared, worried that he’s going to turn out like all of the others, downplaying him like you’re settling for fear of ending up with another assclown.

No contact and obsessing about him. Cutting contact is a means of opening up your life to change. It is a beginning, not an end, however, and this is a big however, obsessing about the man you have cut contact with is actually another way of keeping contact.

No contact and obsessing about no contact. Thinking about the fact that you have cut contact, living in fear of contact from him, planning what you’ll say or do, deciding you’ll be too weak to deny him, and much more.

Now I don’t deny that it is hard to change a big habit, but many have done so before you, and if you empower yourself to believe in you more than you believe in any assclown crap or your fears, you can change your life too.

But you won’t change it if you miss the point of why you found yourself at this juncture in the first place.

In my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I explain how low self-esteem, lack of trust, and fear are the core drivers of your beliefs about yourself, love, and relationships.

“Women all over the world have very negative relationships with themselves yet they expect to create positive relationships with others that will in effect, cancel out any negative feelings that they carry about themselves. They discover over time though, that no matter who they involve themselves with, good, bad, or indifferent, or no what they do, and where they go, they can’t escape themselves. Whatever negative feelings and beliefs you hold about yourself will colour, not only your vision of the world, but the interactions you have, and the people that you draw in. As a Fallback Girl, you may have been emotionally schooled by either parent to believe that your needs were not important and that your feelings should go unexpressed, so as an adult, even though you want to feel loved and love, you find yourself creating relationship patterns that mirror what you have learnt about yourself in childhood.

In believing that you are of very little importance, you don’t value yourself, and you don’t value what you bring to the table. You might feel disbelief that someone like the Mr Unavailable that has taken up with you could be interested in you, not because you are an awful person, but because you have no idea who you are and how valuable you are as an individual entity. Instead, you feel worthless and by associating with men that help you chase an elusive feeling, you believe that your value will go up by association. This is no different to people who surround themselves with material things to bolster their stature, yet no matter what they buy, it doesn’t change the things that they’re trying to mask.”

So here is the deal ladies:

You don’t just get over a man in a day. Moving on, letting go, healing, closure, no contact and anything else that you do in this process is a beginning and a commitment from you. It’s not ‘Oh I cut contact. The end’ – You have to manage the change in your life. You have to adjust your mentality, your attitude, and your habits.

You will have as little or big success with it as you choose to and if you have little or no success with moving on, it is solely down to you.

When a man attempts to make contact with you or even does, it doesn’t mean you have to accept it.

If he tells you a sob story, you don’t have to listen.

If he offers sex, you don’t have to have sex.

If he knocks at your door, you don’t have to open it.

In reality, you actually don’t have to think about him as much as you do…you just choose to.

Whatever happened to just breaking up? What is wrong with modern dating that we have an avoidance of endings because we want to leave our options open because we’re afraid we may have got it wrong or that they might change?

If you are dating and you feel scared and cautious and don’t know how to trust your judgement, you’re not ready to be dating yet. End of. Take a break for 3 months and actually deal with your issues instead of deciding that you will figure it out en route and then operating out of caution and distrust.

If you are still obsessed with him even though you have cut contact, it is likely that you may need some counselling to help you progress forward. Why? Because people break up with people and cut contact with people all the time that don’t don’t want to let go and they don’t obsess, they move forward. It is a sign that you are not able to cut contact and are more tied to the fears and the cycle of drama.

If you’re obsessed about the fact that you have cut contact, it is a sign that you are not busy or committed to you enough and that you haven’t started to deal with the issue of why you are there in the first place. The reality is that if you have a life that isn’t focused on him, even if he’s not physically in it, you don’t obsess about the fact that you’ve cut contact. You just get on with living.

And that is another problem – existing and not living.

The first issue of dating with too much caution shows that you don’t trust yourself and the latter two issues show that you have a part of you that is hoping that he will change and you are not ready to let go.

If you are going through any of these experiences, do you realise that you are just throwing your life away whilst he gets on with doing his? You’re living a half life and the awful thing is that because you apply a disporporationate amount of thought and worry to him and the relationship than he does, it means that he is experiencing a fraction of what you are whilst your life goes whizzing by in inertia.

Being with inappropriate men and continuing to be with them in spite of obvious poor behaviour is a sign of being afraid of commitment because you’re in a doomed relationship.

Don’t continue the pattern by not being able to commit to yourself.

Your thoughts? Are you experiencing this?

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