If you are reliant on external factors (ie someone else) to make change for you to feel happier and get what you want, you will feel helpless and powerless because you’re trapped in the inertia of watching for something to happen for a feeling to kick in, instead of making things happen yourself. It’s also indicative of issues with co-dependency which doesn’t leave much room for feeling empowered.
Every single one of you has inner strength that you can draw on – you just need to use it. When I finally had my ‘enough’ moment, I found strengths within me that I didn’t know I had but had always possessed. I couldn’t bear to wait around for the penny to drop, for someone to ‘do the right thing’. My own penny needed to drop and i needed to do the right thing. I didn’t think I could survive and then when I considered the alternative, I knew I had to try.
Don’t ask ‘Where do I find that power?’ It’s there – you ‘activate’ it by using it. Have some boundaries, learn to say no, exercise your judgement, trust your own gut, pay attention to red flags, walk away even though it hurts because you’re acting in your own best interests, tell yourself you can and will do better, don’t have sex to find out if someone really ‘wants’ you, encourage yourself even when you’re scared sh*tless, tell yourself you will survive, tell yourself you are strong, believe that if and when he calls or comes a knocking on your door you’ll be ready for him, believe that if you do see him, even if you quake inside, you’ll handle it. Tell yourself whatever you need to, but make it positive, and get on with it.
Power doesn’t come from thinking, or talking for that matter. I know of so many people that suffer with Women Who Talk and Think Too Much, they could probably power the world with their mental energy. Thing is, it’s all a bloody waste if all you ever do is sit around thinking and talking about things to the nth degree. Make a decision! Get up! Of course things are not changing when you’re sitting there hoping that a magical thought or that one tone or phrase that you haven’t hit upon yet will get the other person to finally ‘get it’. You need to ‘get it’.
If you’re waiting for all the answers, that comfort moment, that 100% outcome, you’re in for a long wait.
You have to take a leap of faith in relationships. You have to line up what you know based on recognising who you are, how you feel, whether you are acting with love, care, trust and respect to yourself, whether you’re getting that from someone else, if you have boundaries, values etc and you have to gauge whether there is enough there to proceed. People who are waiting for all the answers, whether it’s because you’re looking for just one more piece of information to prove he’s an *sshole, or one more piece of information to prove you can take him back, or one more piece of information to determine if you should stay, you’ll always find a reason to ask more questions and to look for more answers because you’re removing your own power by not trusting your judgement, assessing the situation and making a decision. I‘d feel pretty bloody powerless if I was waiting around for something that I didn’t even know what the hell it was.
Minimise your perception of the ‘threat’ so you can increase your perception of your power. You can make something as big or as small as you want to. It’s one thing to have genuine concerns but often, when you’re thinking that you have little or no power, you’re exaggerating the threat.
Imagine yourself as having equal power – because you do. What you think and believe will play out in your actions. If you imagine them as being all powerful and ‘bigger’ than you, then you are automatically cast as weaker and smaller. Remember – if you put people on a pedestal, the only place for them to see you is below them. You’ll assign greater importance to them which includes attaching too much weight to things they say and do and creating an unhealthy balance that’s difficult to recover from.
Power comes from acceptance and rejection of behaviour. Using Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl as an example, when he does something and she accepts it, a message is conveyed that the behaviour is OK (even if it’s not) and he adjusts his behaviour to accommodate that new belief. Continued acceptance will continue to feed the idea that the various things he is doing are OK, but remember, she always had the power to reject the behaviour, she just didn’t, and she may think that maybe he wouldn’t be around if she had rejected the behaviour, but she’ll never know because she didn’t try, and she thought the reward of accepting the behaviour would outweigh the damage, when in fact, the acceptance created a knock on effect.
At any point in time, you can change your behaviour (and that of others) by learning what you are comfortable accepting and acting on it.
Understand what you have contributed to the relationship so that you can regain your power. To continue to be blind to your contribution and to continue to believe that your contribution is great or that all the issues are the result of someone else, removes your responsibility and accountability. Don’t continue to be caught up in illusions. Be real about who you are and your relationship because the moment you do, is the moment your power returns and you are in the position to do something about it.
Resistance creates conflict. Acceptance creates power. Many of the problems in relationships inadvertently revolve around resistance – resistance in seeing our own part in things, resistance in accepting the reality, resistance in accepting the person, and resistance to doing things that will create a healthier basis for a relationship because of the fear that it will take us out of our uncomfortable comfort zones.
Which is actually quite solo orientated and forcing your needs upon someone else. Riding someone’s arse like Zorro about their ‘failings’ and your ‘disappointments’ which become intrinsically linked, is exhausting. Whatever you’ve been doing so far in your hopes of getting them to meet your needs and expectations is not working. Rather than trying to pull a Harry Potter and keep recasting your spell in the hope that eventually the same spell that hasn’t worked a gazillion times will suddenly do it, try something different. If you don’t feel that there is any other way but to repeat the same behaviour again and again, you’re setting yourself up to fail and be powerless. If you’re going to stay, change your own behaviour – don’t stick with the stay and complain route.
Let things be. Try not to have discussions. Focus on your own life – you can be with someone and still get on with doing things that make you happy.
No offence to men, but the sun doesn’t rise and set on them. They’re not a vocation. They are not the fountain of happiness itself. That’s just too much power to give away to anyone.
Your thoughts? If you haven’t seen it yet, check out part one.
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NML
Another great post. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!
Makes so much sense. I am realizing now just how much power I gave away – I put way too much stock into this man, worried too much about HIS feelings that I just became this totally passive person that didn’t give a hoot about myself. Wow! Not anymore! This post came at a perfect time for me. Keep the great posts coming!
Cheers,
TJ
His feelings, his needs, his wants, him, him, him. Many women find themselves having lives that are focused around asking ‘what he wants/likes/needs/thinks/feels – what do *you* want, like, think, need, feel etc? Remember – if loving him means you can’t love you, ALWAYS choose you! Take care!
Natalie, finally your words started to sink in!!! I loved when you said: “No offence to men, but the sun doesn’t rise and set on them. They’re not a vocation. They are not the fountain of happiness itself”..I feel much better myself, I never had this power, not only with men, but friends and colleagues too! I used to be depressed and compained about my unhappiness, and now all changed! When my colleagues and friends ask me now how I am, I always say: “Wonderful” and I feel wonderful too. AC sent me another message today and I ignored yet again, he is not my Universe anymore…Thanks to you NML, for giving my power back to me:-)
Oh that’s so good to hear – you have a ‘happy soul’! When you’re genuinely happy it comes from the outside out and it resonates from you. Keep going and remember, you gave that power back to yourself – I just helped you to see it!
Thanks so much for this post. I was a little confused after yesterday’s post, but today’s really helped clairfy my thinking about my relationship. I’m still not sure what I will do, but this is incredibly helpful.
.-= Robyn´s last blog ..The Wave =-.
No problem. I think some people have felt confused because it touches on things that challenge what they believe or cause them to see things differently. Good luck with the thinking and remember the action.
Be real about who you are and your relationship because the moment you do, is the moment your power returns and you are in the position to do something about it.
You hit it dead on….and after much back and forth on my own part. I decided that I had a choice. The moment I made the correct choice for me, it was as if I had really taken back my soul. I don’t mean to sound dramatic…but since I met Mr. Unavailable I felt like I was continuously giving away the best part of me.
You’re not dramatic at all – I felt very much the same way. They are soul suckers!
“Focus on your own life – you can be with someone and still get on with doing things that make you happy.”
So true as I recent found out. In the past when I wanted to do something that made me happy I would have to get “permisson”. Bounce it off the man in my life to make sure it was “ok” with them and would not risk it if they thought it was a bad idea.
I did the same thing again in my current relationship without thought – his reply to me was “you don’t have to ask my permission and why would you?”
Your post really hit the nail on the head and its true – I am happy with the man in my life and I can still get on with the things in my life that make me happy – no permission but my own necessary.
Right on Nat!!!!!!! Brilliant as always!
I’m glad he said that to you. It’s one thing to ask out of consideration, let’s say if they think that they are doing something with you at that time, but asking permission is a totally different thing and it’s like seeking approval. You then start living life on their terms or turning down opportunities to do stuff for you without even saying anything to them about it, because you fear that there will be conflict.
I am curious to how this applies when you live with someone and you get ALL of what you are saying and recommending, but you can’t afford to leave. I talk and think way too much. **so sad**
So many posts lately on different sites have been about how the man is interested when the woman is not so interested early in the relationship. Then when the woman falls for the guy, often the guy goes into his cave and seems to stay there emotionally – could be he has commitment issues – “Duh!” That is when the danger arises of him treating you not as special or whinging more, especially if you are extra supportive…
So when I read today in this post about Co-dependency – that is exactly what it can become – we (the woman) can start making decisions based on the guy’s problem.
D – I wonder why you can’t afford to leave…
I have a few friends right now where the partner is not working so she is supporting. If they are not married and uncertain about the future, why stay?
I recently watched a video series on Freedom from Co-dependency and it was so illuminating. If we have not ever been the Dependent (eg addicted to something – could be substance abuse, work, being right…) or the Co-Dependent, we would all have someone close to us who is. The solution is always to ‘live your life!’
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Fairytale: Seeking Happily Ever After =-.
He works and is financially responsible A (we do the bills 50/50), but if I leave he will be stuck with bills and his house will be foreclosed on. I can’t afford to keep up my end of the bills and leave at the same time at this point. The more I think about it the more I realize that its his problem not mine. After I posted my comment I made an appointment to see about a house on Saturday. Why should I fight so hard to help him. Her blog made me realize to WAKE UP and Help me. I am only here because I didn’t want to unsettle my kids. It will be a crunch to move but I have no other choice.
I just went to to your blog…that video was SO Inspirational.
“So when I read today in this post about Co-dependency – that is exactly what it can become – we (the woman) can start making decisions based on the guy’s problem.” – so right CathyJ and we then become so focused that we no longer see the wood for the trees and our view of things becomes very distorted.
D- you’d be amazed at the decisions we think we’re making about kids but if you look at the bigger picture, you’ll realise they are often the easier thing to stop us from making the right choice. Your kids may be uprooted, but they’ll be uprooted out of a toxic situation. Good luck!
Ha!!
_”I know of so many people that suffer with Women Who Talk and Think Too Much, they could probably power the world with their mental energy.”_ I soooooo had to laugh out loud! That was me in my rarest form. Being a “bloody waste” is an understatement….it was bloody exhausting as well. I’ve been on this blog for a couple of years now and I’ve changed so much in ways that I can’t begin to describe. Yet….I never seem to outgrow the need to learn more here.
NML you have such a way with words and you’re such a blessing to women around the globe. Don’t stop =)
Glad to make you laugh! I used to be that woman too. As well as getting over my love of assclowns and loving myself, having a couple of kids has helped to ensure that my brain can’t focus on anything for too long 😉 Thank you for your support x
“You feel powerless because they’re not doing what you want – you place too much stock in the misguided belief that being happy and truly loved is about having the power to change someone and have them make you the exception.”
This I learned from the Romantic movies I watched. And, my assclown constantly told me “I have not dated anyone I want to marry and I am terrified of marriage, but you are the exception.” 3 months later he’s telling me he doesn’t know what he wants, and he’s doing a constant game of push / pull. Now that I am out of the relationship, I can see the whole forest and not just trees blinding my sight. I am ready to make better choices in men…preferably men that want to fall in love, men that will value who I am as a person, and men who want to get married. Of course, I need to also make better choices in me; The choice to validate my own decisions, the choice to speak up when I don’t feel ok about a certain situation, the choice to walk if the relationship is detrimental, but most of all, to set my boundaries and let the man know I mean business. I’m excited and proud of what’s to come.
-Myrtle
Recovering assclown addict…since 12/29/09
I love your signature. I can’t remember if I told you that before! I’m glad you realise the importance of making better choices – this is what gets the ball rolling in the right direction. – Natalie Recovering assclown addict since 9th August 2005.
Hi NML and ladies,
I have been a reader on this site for nearly two years now. I am ‘addicted’ to it and can’t wait to read the blog’s that pop into my email. So much so, that I spend far too much time at work on on here, and just can’t pull away from it. I’ve learnt so much, and had no idea how niaive I was, what was meant by having ‘need’s, ‘giving’ etc. I just didn’t understand the concept.
I am self sufficient, spent 7 years on my own being single, bought my own home, travelled, good job, etc. before becoming involved with an EUM. I didn’t even know they existed!!
He was my personal trainer and I realise now that I was just another ‘bow in his string’, an easy target and one of a number of clients he has preyed upon. It hurt terribly knowing this, particularly my expending a great amount of money hiring him for professional services, when in fact he is abusing the position he is in and taking advantage of his female clients.
I’ve never commented on a post before, but felt the need to say that this post, particularly Part 1 has been the best I’ve ever read to date!! Many points hit home for me in the post and from comments from other readers, but particularly Natalie’s responses to them, and the thought provoking questions she asked.
However, I am also somewhat confused about not putting the responsibility of meeting my needs onto someone else. There are needs that cannot be met by myself, and that I have an expectation to be met in a relationship, such as being caressed, and being kissed passionately (and I don’t fancy asking my dog to kiss me, however I’m sure she would lick my face all over if I let her)! I don’t believe that it is unreasonalbe for me to want and expect these needs met by a man that I am seeing, and who continues to see me.
I am confused Natalie (and ladies), so how do you conquer the desire for this, if your not into getting this from anything ‘casual’. I can be as self-sufficient all I like, but these are needs and desires that nobody other than an intimate parter can provide for me. I believe it is human, to want physical ‘touch’, a cuddle, kiss, stroke of the hair/face, tender massage etc. and that doesn’t go away no matter how self reliable you are. Does that make you co-dependant for wanting these things?
Hi Shelley. Will all have sexual and affectionate ‘needs’ when we are in a relationship and no, you can’t kiss and caress yourself – well actually you can but it doesn’t achieve the same thing. However, yes it’s fine to want these things but they are not ‘primary’ needs – a lot of women will say they need stuff like this but they don’t seem to have anything to say about *other* more important needs that need to and should be met in the relationship and are not. I need to be able to trust and be trusted. I need to be able to respect and be respected. And I’ve had a massage, a caress, and more than a stroke or two from a number of men who were able to meet the needs that would actually have our relationship survive and prosper from day to day, week to week, and so on. Is it a need to be caressed? It’s a desire and there is a difference. If you are in a relationship that has the core basics covered off, being affectionate and the sexual side is a natural extension of that. I don’t think you are co-dependent for wanting affection, however if you were the type of person that basically needed constant physical and verbal signals from someone to validate them, then yes, it would.
Shelley,
My take on this is that yes, it is completely normal to want and expect loving attentiveness from someone you are in a relationship with. When it becomes co-dependant is when you have been shown time and time again that the person you are with cannot or will not supply you with those things and you try to change him or just put up with it, magically thinking that he will wake up and smell the coffee some day. I have been there and done that myself, but will NEVER again.
Cheers
“If he is the only thing that makes you happy or a relationship is the only thing that makes you happy, then you remove your own power to find happiness in yourself and from taking part in life.”
I liked that part.I was like that,I used to think that a relationship was the only thing that could make me happy.Now Im learning to find happiness in other things and I might say it fells pretty nice 🙂
Thank you for this one. I see myself continually give up the power and you know what’s interesting… I find myself after being dumped, or simply ignored, sending friendly texts because the goal is to appear cool and casual — usually after having already freaked out. It’s embarassing because often what you get is them further ignoring you or somehow bating you into another argument in which you come out having lost some more of your dignity. I did better this time, but I still “talked too much”. When I finally went 7 days without contact I realized how empowered I felt. I still hurt realizing he had not contacted me either, but it gave me time to breathe, reflect and realize that I had not enjoyed the contact all that much. If you are a drama seeker, often after the no contact you start to need the drama back like a drug and you somehow falsely perceive yourself as able to better handle it now that you went a few days without… The thing is, during the no contact period I realized how much my anxiety had gone down and how much better I felt about me.
Many good lessons here NML as per usual.
All the best.
Just reading the posts and felt need to comment. I am on my 18 day of NC ready to hit a home run hopefully by day 30. Truthfully; I feel more free; and there’s never been so much light around me. I think when we are well on our way to taking back that power we feel the need to stop and ponder for an explanation; the why’s; the what if’s and so forth when we really don’t need an explanation at all and the relationship broke up from the beginning because it was BROKEN… You have to realize when it can no longer be fixed and work on YOU… that is what I had to grasp.. I think I am finally getting it after the never ending cycles… Good luck to all.
JJ
i m loving this website!!!it has been a great help for me understanding myself a little bit better!i was 16 years old when i met the biggest assclown of my life..too young right? he was 19 and had just broken up with his ex,who claims to have hurt him. yes you guessed it right i was the rebound girl!!! i dont even remember how long we “dated”, maybe a month.. he was the first guy to persue me sexually and being the immature inexperienced girl i was, i gave in.. but not actually! the night that was supposed to be “my first” i realised that i couldnt give it up to a guy who doesnt feel for me the things i felt for him, so i said a big NO!thats how strong my instincts were. so i said to him, look i dont think that we should go out anymore. he said yes i think you re right.. but of course he wasnt willing to let me be, so he would start “bothering”me occassionally, looking for ego strokes and keeping one foot in my life! of course he used to date other girls and tell me that they were jealous and that we couldnt talk while he was dating, although his approach to me was always sexual.. when i met a guy about a year later,(a guy who really cared for me, but was too nice), the assclown “paniced” and kept calling me to meet at night for a bit of fulling around..and guess what? i accepted it!!! he didnt want anything serious with me, but didnt want the other guy having his trophy.. Anyway, i left for my studies abroad,broke it off with the nice guy and met another nice guy who was also a student.. the new nice guy was almost perfect.handsome, well mannered, organised and with the brightest of futures ahead..keep not that i was still a virgin!! stayed for 3 years with him, never really managing to normally have sex with him and suddently i thought: oh remember P? (the assclown)what is he up to? where is he? maybe now that nothing seems to work with anyone else he might have changed and actually want me..so you guessed it right!i contacted him online..at first he was very nice and we chatted for many nights until late and in the meantime i was getting my hopes up while slowly slowly he was building a distance. i had finished my studies and was returning home to cyprus finally. he was also studying abroad so to me it seemed like a total fairytale ending! i had a couple of failed relationships he showed up so this must be it! how little did i know..
keep in mind that he was blowing hot and cold but there were enormous red flags which i was ignoring.
Returning to cyprus, i found the complete nothing. he didnt show any signs of interest and all he would do was to give me a ring every now and then and turning down all of my invitations to meet up.but when we accidentally met somewhere he would flirt a lot!Btw this guy thinks that he is very special and considers himself very successful with the ladies..Of course deep down i knew that i was waaaaay too good for him and everyone around me kept saying what a stupid asshole he is including my mother..but i was so caught up in the illusion of changing him and making him want me that i ignored all the indications. one night we met accidentally in a night club and he was hugging me and being flirty. then i noticed him chatting uo a girl. when we left the club he and his friend invited my friend and me to get something to eat but when we got to the place i had realised we werent alone. the girl from the club was there with her friend too.. i knew something was about to happen but i couldnt imagine what. suddenly she goes up to the toilet,and a minute later he follows…after a good 15 minutes the come back..YES..he had sex with her in the toilet while i was downstairs!!and then he came hugging me and playing with my hair!yuuuuukkkkkk
when a friend of mine had asked me whats going on between us. he replied: nothing. we had something in the past but i have it as a rule to not return to the past..of course i never can say never..maybe in the future if she is still there..maybe..who knows i wont stop her from moving on!i ll take the risk if i win ok if i lose, thats still ok! you know what i thought when my friend told me? THATS GREAT!!!I STILL HAVE A CHANCE! of course time went by nothing happened and he would only contact me twice a month only to make sure i was still there.. 2 years ago i confronted him when i saw him rubbing himself against a girl after he had done the same to me. so i asked him: do i mean the same to you as any girl? he said no. why dont you want to try with me? well…i m still studying it would me difficult..do you have feelings for me? i do have something but i dont know if i should show it. BS!
Anyway after that nothing happened OF COURSE!! another year passed by and i was searching mr right in other occassional guys that had nothing to give me.. I was single for 4 years, i was struggling with depression and panic attacks, i thought i had serious sexual intimacy issues and that real love doesnt exist..i confronted P for one last time and i told him that i had moved on. He said ok, i knew you would one day!!!! hahah
I am now 25 years old and a year ago i met the man i want to spend my life with. he is from italy so he moved to cyprus and we are living and working together(we are both artists). it is then when i met Alessandro that it hit me.All these years i was chasing illusions, emotionally unavailable people who remind me of me and i had no idea who i where..i was in shock..and i found this brilliant website and i am happy to tell you that it has helped me a lot and has given me a lot of strenght..I now feel like a woman who is committed to love, to herself and will do anything to keep her new love patterns.BTW i was a 25 year old virgin. It is the first time in my life that i have experienced sexual intimacy.
Sorry this is too long i know but i really needed to share it with you.kisses and thank you.
I love this website found it about a year ago! after meeting a string of EUM’s; I have recently gone on a break from a commitment phobe- my idea; a couple of realisations; why I am always attracting the same type of idiots?, I need to change my perceptions of self image, and some have boundaries. I am successful career woman and this last guy was an utter commitment phobe _ i did not know what what one was until i read the articles on here!! he is a stereotypical CP with lots of internal conflict and me just in the crossfire!
The point I have made to myself is and for other women TAKE BACK CONTROL – apply the no contract rule with these indecisive men it is best just to boot them out of your life; my guy told me on New Years Days that he was only able to give me 70% and yet he expected 110%. He was the taker and I was the giver. Admittely we are on a ‘break’ (my idea) as he was driving me insane due to his instability, his limited emotionals and his up and down behavour. in this month I have disocvered I dont need such a DRAMA QUEEN who talks a good talk but no follow through!
Ladies do yourself a favour and apply NCR rule – I have read ‘Men who cant love’ and ‘the fallback girl’ book too; these guys might as well be little 5 year old boys having a tantrum; I have learnt to leave them alone; no whys what ifs and maybes!!
Focus on yourself your personal desires and passions much more fulfilling and also you may find a more suitable and stable man this way!!! I have defintely found since being away from this drama queen I am more relaxed happy and have more time to myself
Girls just do it!!!
Wahwah
You are so right!! We can do this ladies.. This site; along with NML posts; reading everybody’s comments; and last but not least PRAYER has really helped me.. It’s 19days NC for me today and next week will be hitting the three week mark… I just mark off the days of my calendar and take time out at the end of each week to do something for me.. whether its rewarding myself with a pedicure; nice hand bag; new candles or whateva!! My best friend who went through a grueling breakup who dated her mr EUM for 8 years and then he decided that he didn’t want to get married; told me that you have get through this by praying cause there will be some rough days but each day you get stronger and stronger and it becomes like something that you no longer think about and like NIKE you just do it!! My EUM has a birthday next week… and he’s probably so sure of himself that he will get a happy birthday from me ; but he’s not even worth that and I am done… Good luck.
JJ
Go JJ!
Your future husband / boyfriend will thank you because he knows how much more worth it you are!
I’ve been NC for four months and this is the first month I finally feel free! It takes a little while for your heart to catch up with your head, but SO PROUD that you are listening to your head instead of your heart! For me, the crying stopped, my skin cleared up, and I’ve never felt so healthy before. It’s really true what they say. Once you love yourself, only then can you find a healthy partner. For the first time in my life, I can say I don’t need a man, and I certainly don’t want one that isn’t a stand out Integrity guy. I know I will find him, and all of those EUMs out there….they eventually won’t be attracted to us because they will learn they can no longer get what they want from us. They have lost their power because we refuse to give it away.
GO JJ!
“People who are waiting for all the answers, whether it’s because you’re looking for just one more piece of information to prove he’s an *sshole, or one more piece of information to prove you can take him back, or one more piece of information to determine if you should stay, you’ll always find a reason to ask more questions and to look for more answers because you’re removing your own power by not trusting your judgement, assessing the situation and making a decision.”
So true! Great post.
Amazing writeup! I needed that! I’m in my 3rd week of breaking up with a guy ive been with for 10 years. rockstar type. no actual job. fragile, sensitive..I had enough a couple weeks ago as he was acting all ”unstable” again and i just got sick of the baggage. here’s my issue though – i never actually felt i couldn’t DO anything, all my dreams about my career and myself I have been able to achieve with him in the background. I love the idea of coming home after a hard days work and he’s there on his guitar. But I guess somehow it started to creep into the things I loved and that’s when I said ENOUGH. I am still in denial though (as per my blog 🙂 ) as I felt Ive been extremely successful in my career BECAUSE he was there.Now I just feel like a SLUG.
.-= Trippy´s last blog ..and on other things… =-.
i recently dated a man who was the first i’d dated since my last AC who abandoned me led me to discover this blog. it had been four months and was my first ‘test’ to trust my own judgement that i am self aware and no longer a victim – and also just to have a good time, taking things verrry slow. wouldn’t ya know less than 3 weeks in, after coming on strong and telling me how much he enjoyed my company and cared for me, initiating the bulk of calls or texts, being a perfect gentlemen, inviting me out with his family to a bar for drinks (which i did not accept), asking me how i felt about him (i told him i liked him too and was comfortable just dating) he then took me to a restaurant to ‘dump’ me because he ‘wasn’t ready for a relationship’. i thought, what relationship??? why are we having this conversation??? he turned the tables and gave me the “it’s not you it’s me” routine and acted as though i was the one wearing the tin foil hat. but i had to laugh, because so many of the things men say and do are polar opposites to the real them. they really can tell you anything they feel like at the moment. this perfect gentleman proved to be an absurd drama queen. if i hadn’t been ready to dismiss any b.s., i would have been hurt and confused. yes, do i wonder why a man would do all of that, so fast too and then do a 180! but – i’ve been with men who burn up and then burn out in the past, it made me feel like dirt because i based all worth on whether these men found me worthy. i opened my eyes to that familiar pattern and in the end, i’ve walked away feeling just as whole as before i met him and with a funny story to tell my friends in addition. thanks nml, i see so many of your blogs’ advice in my one small situation.
mE, wow, our stories are the same, it is happened to me too!!! My EUM even told me that he wants me to be his wife!!! Next time when I saw him, he said that he is not ready to have a relationship with me!!! My response was: “Thank you for not wasting my time” (IT was Valentine’s Day!) and I left..Later I ended up apologizing for leaving him on Valentine’s as he was so hurt!
Why they do that? Why promise ‘goods” when they cant deliever them???
Its so funny how these EUM’s are all out for themselves.. In my mind I look back on how my EUM was… He was out for himself… He was constantly always looking to achieve material things.. whether it was clothes; money; this mercedes or that when he couldn’t even keep up with his mortgage and didn’t even have a two car garage to pull his vehicles in to. His utilities would constantly keep getting turned off. He couldn’t even keep the lights and water on. Every week it was something different. I just look at little things like that.. He’s buying top brand appliances for his kitchen but he lives in the roughest of neighbor hoods… It just didn’t click to me back then… but when you are out of the equation that’s when it all comes to surface… He was always trying to get money… MONEY MONEY MONEY… always stating that he needed money for this bill and money for that bill… and he was looking for handouts.. He’s was always borrowing money from people. I couldn’t keep up any more and I simply knew that if I continued to stay and go through these repeated cycles that he was going to DRAIN everything that was left in me. Getting what he could out of women is just his way of survival and this is how he will continue to live… I pray for the next female thats in his pathway…
JJ
Sounds like many are in the same boat. Either knowing you should leave or left but perhaps clinging on.
A couple of ideas that work to remind me… one have some time out. I just had a whole weekend off and I am feeling refreshed. (Thanks D and Natalie, for the comments and encouragement above).
During my mini-break, I even had a few great nights out having fun. Not that I don’t normally have fun but with this was with different crowds and focusing on others. I deliberately read a few chapters on people skills before I went to my school reunion. I tried really hard not to talk about me at all and only asked questions and genuinely listened and remembered the answers (normally my brain is in overdrive and skips around all the time). I had a great night and learned lots about people who are really interesting – everyone has a story to tell (and I became more aware than ever that we create our own little bubble of existence that we need to blast out of every now and then to get perspective!)
Re breakups – if you are tempted to either contact your ex or even respond back to him if he contacts you, when you are not interested or more likely, know it is not in your highest interest to respond – have a list near your computer or phone
eg He sees me as an option/fallback girl.
He drinks way too much.
We don’t have the same base values.
DO NOT CONTACT HIM.
Try it!!
Wishing you love!
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Fairytale: Seeking Happily Ever After =-.
i do want to say how great i think reading this blog has been for me & even helping some of my friends out in terms of their relationships and how they “perceive” men and their actions. I even have become aware of my own actions. I do want to say after 3 failed relationships for YEARS with EUM’s (which were, of course, back to back to back in my lack of ability to be single) I have a whole new view of dating/meeting men – and just my interactions with people in general.
Although I feel way, way better I continue to read this blog because old behaviors die hard and its easy to forget. I also wanted to say after a solid amount of time (5 months) of being on my own I have started to date and finally realize that men who actually WANT to be in a relationship with me make me feel comfortable and those men who do not immediately make me feel uncomfortable. Just being able to recognize those things has made me all the wiser and I’ve finally started to see a guy who makes me “comfortable!” It almost like I forgot how actual relationships are suppose to form b/c the EUM’s made it so difficult.
Of course, taking NML’s advice, I will keep my feet firmly planted in reality and make better decisions for myself as they come up.. I believe that all the ladies on this blog can do the same and they deserve it! .. Thanks again!!
We are a big fan of the Baggage Reclaim and hope that you will share our love blog with your readers. We have two great blogs out right now that are totally on point: Exchanging of Belongings (Post-Break Up) and Accidentally on Purpose Keepsakes and Rejects.
lovekudos.com We want all the women and men out there to find their inner strength and stop relying solely on external factors to make them feel complete.
We have your site linked up on Love Kudos.
.-= Lauren K. and Lindsay K.´s last blog ..Accidentally On Purpose Keepsakes and Rejects =-.
Is it still normal to think about them everyday… (very frequently) when i have stuck to NC for over 5 months?
I’m proud, at the same time, a disappointed that his “ora” is still there 🙁
Pushing.Thru… I’m 6 months NC and still think about him everyday but I’m not as sad as I use to be. I now look at our life differently and see what I did to contribute to it not working. Never thought I’d ever say that but its true. Its journey….
You are normal. I’m four months NC, but I’ve suffered for years over this one guy. This is the first month I feel better. For the first time, I can say I miss a relationship, but I don’t want one with him. Anytime you miss him, get out that list. For example…
1. Porn every other day…looked it up on my computer (how messed up is that?)
2. Believes all women are out to get their starter husband so they can take them to divorce court for all their worth.
: )
When I remember that, it’s a good little slap of reality in the face reminding me, “Oh yeah, that’s why I left”
It WILL get better. Just breathe through it. It’s like labor pain, except it’s called Assclown detoxification. Welcome to rehab sister! You’re in good company, and here’s to you for making yourself healthy again!
-myrtle
Recovering assclown addict since 12/29/09
I’m sure you can name some doozies.
Pushing.Thru… I’m also in 5 months NC and have a same as you. What is more that bothers me is the fact that i told evryone at work (and we work at same company) that i met somebody and that i’am happy. I did this because i knew he will hear that from others.. and now i’m feeling bad about it because that’s not the true. I thougt maybe is that the only way to STOP the nonsence and drama we created. So, he is not contacting me anymore but i heard from others that he finaly found someone and is going to commit.
Ofcource this does’t have to be true because i do not belive he will ever commit but still sometimes i doubt should i contact him again and ask how he’s doing. I try very hard not to do this because i know that will only bring me to relationship insanity “doing the same thing over and over again and expect diffrent result”. but.. it is very difficult to let it go!
Thankfully and fortunately we can share our weak moments with each other on this site and that makes us stronger and remind us not to give our power away. Thanks NML.
@ MaryC, Myrtle and no more CD –
thank you for your support, I have just settled in my apartment in a beautiful area with many friends close by… last night I had thoughts of the great sex we used to have, and instead of being disgusted at the thought of it – (which i should be) … it actually turned me on.
damn it. 🙁
I have had no desire to contact him – which is a good sign, but the obsessing is pushing me forward at a turtle’s pace. You know what I mean?
NML – i have a question for you – have you ever watched an episode of 2 1/2 men? What do you think of Charlie Sheen’s character? AC? depressed? EU?
he seems rather full of life to me…. which pisses me off!
Oh Happy Soul, that is the worst. You can only imagine how unstable we’d sound if we said to a man after a few weeks “I see you as my husband, you’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met. Meet my mother”. I guess we have to think about that when the same ridiculousness is told to us! Most women find words like that sacred. It’s a case of them needing their own form of validation I suppose???