One of the things that we find difficult to deal with in life is disappointment, that sense of our hopes and expectations not being met. Part of getting through the on-the-job training that is life, is learning how to navigate and bounce back from disappointment. Some of us find it harder than others, especially if by the time we became adults, it felt as if we’d already experienced our life’s quota of it. We might want adulthood to be a break from disappointment. Instead, life’s inevitable truths prevail in our lives.
People can and will disappoint. Sometimes things will go wrong. Sometimes we’ll err. Sometimes our hopes and expectations are more imagination based than reality based and so we have to reconcile the fantasy with reality, and in turn we may feel angry and hurt with ourselves. Sometimes it’s just straight up disappointment and because we can’t get mad at the disappointment or even the other person or parties involved, we sometimes get mad at ourselves.
Of all of the things that I see BR readers struggle with, it’s the hole in their lives created by not just experiencing the disappointment but the knock-on effect of how they reacted and then continued to react to it.
It’s understandable to be hard hit in the aftermath of disappointment and to go through the myriad of emotions that can be sparked by grief, but when we’re still berating, comparing and beating ourselves up months or even years down the line, that disappointment hole doesn’t close; it becomes palpable.
I remember waking up on some mornings in my darker times and for the first few seconds I’d be alright and then I could almost taste the disappointment and feel it swallow up the momentary brightness. I nursed that disappointment. I chaperoned the hell out of it so that I could avoid having to get back up, after all, it was blocking my way. I looked for signs of it everywhere and so when I saw someone who looked remotely happy or friends told me stories about their families or romantic partners or talked of their successes, they confirmed my disappointment for me. I’d read the papers and there would be some dumb survey/’research’ about single people or the ‘plight’ of women and I’d think, “Yeah… I really f*cked that one up. I’m destined to be worthless, good for nothing and found alone and dead in my apartment with the post piling up around me.” I felt like I’d had ‘more’ disappointment than others. ‘Everyone else’ got to be in a ‘normal’ family, were praised all the time, never disappointed, had the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend, and basically didn’t have bad things happen to them. This was complete bullshit.
Each day, readers ask me: how do I get over a disappointment?
I’ve written about the subject in varying forms but one thing that closed the disappointment hole in my life, it’s that I accepted the disappointment. Once I also accepted that it can and will happen but that I can limit the impact and instances with self-care, it also meant that disappointment no longer leaves a crater-sized hole in my life.
Sometimes we don’t realise how much we’re resisting accepting what has happened, which is futile due to one thing: the disappointment is done.
We can compound it or we can gradually neutralise it. We can feed that disappointment with as much negativity as possible or we can gradually fight back and decide that it doesn’t get to claim all of us or our lives. Anything afterwards is about reaction and recovery and at the heart of these is perspective.
If the disappointment isn’t receding, it’s because your perspective isn’t adjusting and growing. Find the ‘fixed’ ideas that you’re still attached to.
We can be surprisingly stubborn when it comes to holding onto thinking and so we become attached to a fixed idea that isn’t actually fixed, such as the notion that we’re no good or that we’re to blame for ‘everything’. Part of our rigidity around this may be fueled by ‘fixed thinking’ prior to the disappointment where we may already have predetermined the outcome even if it wasn’t necessarily reflective of what was actually going on. Sometimes we’re so caught up in trying to anticipate what’s next that we’re not as in the present as we should (mindfulness), and so we come back to earth with a bump.
The net result of our hopes and expectations not being met, is that gap between what we thought would happen and what actually happened. Once the disappointment happens, information may be coming in that could shift our perspective but if we keep circling back to the same fixed idea, we won’t get much relief from the disappointment. The disappointment will feel permanent because we think that how we perceive things is fixed. We can change our mind and ultimately our perspective about something, whenever we feel like it. It’s that willingness to let go of thinking that doesn’t truly serve us because it ultimately limits and stifles us.
Letting go is a decision. Thinking something else is a decision. We have to choose and keep choosing.
In accepting my disappointment, I acknowledged how I felt, what I thought and what I’d been doing. These disappointments felt bad because I was reopening old wounds and telling me all sorts of bad things about myself that just weren’t true. I was attached to feeling bad about me. Disappointment gave me a purpose. I learned a lot about me by accepting the disappointment. It wasn’t pretty at times but you know what? It was better than the torment of giving myself a hard time over not being able to control the uncontrollable or even worse, doing the equivalent of throwing tantrums.
I used to be quite rigid in my outlook because I hated the idea of being wrong, but I’d rather be wrong about me not being good enough than spend my life trying to be right about it.
I decided to accept the disappointment and what it meant about the situation but I also stopped choosing to accept that the disappointment meant that I was this worthless person. That wasn’t the lesson otherwise I would have moved on from that lesson instead of repeating the ‘class’. I’ve been through it again over the years and last year as I came to terms with the disappointment over my father, not only was I reminded that life goes on even when you want to spend your time replaying your mental tapes, but that we have that power to close the hole created by disappointment and that when we immerse ourselves too much in it, we turn away from faith, love and ourselves.
When I think of some of those disappointments, I acknowledge the feelings but I don’t delve into rehashing. Instead it’s, “Today I choose me” or “Today I choose to love”, because I have a busy mind given half a chance.
Disappointment is a very real feeling but don’t let it claim you. Some disappointments you learn to live with and they gradually stop dominating your thoughts and conversations. Others just fade out because in treating you well, that balm soothes the hurt and you become open to better days and things ahead.
Your thoughts?
Holiday Update
Add to favorites
Thank you very much for this post Natalie. I needed this so much today. I am so used to beating myself up for mistakes I made and things were not even in my control.
Career-wise I am not where I imagined myself to be and that has been a painful source of hurt and self-loathing. I believe I still have a chance at this career path, but I know I am not growing or developing because I am too fixed on the perspective that I will never be able to make it, because I am a worthless person, who doesn’t have the skills/talent to get there. I completely agree with the part about finding excuses/reasons to stay in this mindset. Whenever I am interacting with people, it is as if my mind is unconsciously looking for another way to beat itself up. It is exhausting and frankly unhealthy. It is good to know someone else who has been there and who has been able to come out of it. I am confident I will also be able to do the same. Thanks again Natalie. You always know just what to say to make me feel better 🙂
PPS: I used your no contact strategy to keep away from an EUM I had been dealing with for 11 months. I broke NC about 3 weeks ago. You are right. They don’t change. But thankfully, I had a different perspective on things and I was looking out more for myself this time. I have officially resumed NC. I have asked him not to contact me any more, because it is really unhealthy for me. Knowing him, he will still contact me but this time I know it will be easier to ignore him. I still love him, but not enough to sacrifice my joy and self-worth.
Woman
Are you a long lost twin!!! You took the words right from under me literally. I could not have summed it up any better. Even the part about breaking NC about 3 weeks ago truly scary. I had previously posted a reply to Tinkerbell about being hurt betrayed and the word i left out Disappointed!! Yes! This post could not have come at at better time. Nat! You have truly been a life saver to me!!!
Ditto Enough
Woman’s paragraph about careers etc is something I could’ve written.
Loved Natalie’s post. I’m ready to lean into the disappointments in my life, of which only maybe 1/5 involves a Mr. EUM. Once you take away the EUs, you’re left with that shaking little leaf which is the unfinished self. That’s who my priority is these days.
Had to write you. I had been stuck for months in a place where I was feeling worthless, rejected, uncertain about my now gaping future alone. Long story short? I let go of all that expectation, all that feeling of rejection and hurt as best I could and my career is taking off. They say that you let go of the things that aren’t working for you and it opens up room for the things in your life you want to start rushing in. That actually just happened to me! And I wasn’t even particularly talented at letting things go! I struggled, I cried, I felt…it was a real process. Best of luck, NEVER give up on your dreams and most of all, BELIEVE IN YOUR OWN ABILITY TO ACCOMPLISH WHATEVER YOU WISH!
Oh Andee, I so want to believe I am in the middle of my process. Trying hard to let go. Am glad you have done it. Gives me hope…
Great post I really needed to read this today.
Nat, this topic, managing disappointment has been my chief concern for about 2 months now since I’ve been so engrossed in Petie, my friend, and his condition. Thank you so much for this. I’ve found that my letting go, accepting what is, refraining from trying to rewrite the story and reality, I’ve finally found more peace. He has opened up to me much more lately and I think it’s because I’m no longer conveying the tension, anxiety and feelings of urgency that I was before. His condition is not going to change. Either I accept it or I don’t. I’ve opened my eyes and my heart more and he’s shown me more of the love I’ve been wanting to see. I think now he’s beginning to feel more accepted so he is more relaxed also. Our situation is different than the usual on BR. He is not looking for another woman. I’m not looking for another man. We both know that we have a love that many people never find. We have 5 marriages between us and we know at this stage of our lives what we want. I am so grateful to have had the BR experience because had I remained on that old road to disappointment I would not have him to love now. Part of our relationship involves both of us accepting disappointment, but we can handle it because we know that there are numerous elements that make for a love that works long term. We both feel we have that love. Thank you for your work that has helped me so much.
Tinkerbell
Glad to read this update. Sounds so much better than a few weeks ago.
Tink,
I’m glad things have calmed down and you are both able to come together in a more relaxed way. I hope you can work it out together in a way that makes you both feel loved, accepted, and happy. Acceptance is powerful. It makes the panic subside and reality becomes something you can work with.
Maeve and Selkie.
Thanks so much for your best wishes. I was panicking because he had shut down and I felt helpless to help him. But that wasn’t my job. He was depressed with good reason and it had nothing to do with me. I see that, now and I’m better for it.
Very happy to read that, Tink.
We can’t always fix things, and we shouldn’t always take things personally if we can’t fix them.
And it’s ok to feel disappointed, it’s a genuine ‘authentic’ feeling which we must accept (but not get carried away with).
Really happy for you x
Mary,
It’s so true. We should not take things personally when they don’t go the way we want or expect. I have to remind myself frequently, “Everything is not about you and therefore it is not your job to fix everything that you find to be amiss or lacking”. Maybe someday this will be engraved in my brain but I’m not there yet. Anyway, I’m a whole lot calmer and contentedly enjoying him as he is. Thanks so much for your encouraging words.
Tinkerbell- Thank you for updating us. I was wondering how things were going, didn’t want to be nosy, have kept my word to you and prayed. It’s wonderful news that you and Petie are working things out. 🙂
Tinkerbell: I’m glad to hear that your relationship has evolved to one of acceptance and unconditional love. Knowing that someone loves, supports, and accept us for who we really are makes it so much easier to open up. Sometimes you do have to let go, and just let nature runs its course. We can’t fix everything, hard as we may try. One thing I’ve learned in the past year is to trust myself more, and always know that God is in control. I’m so happy that those feelings of angst have faded and you are feeling better about things, Tink. It’s truly a blessing to have such a deep connection with someone. All the best to you and Petie. XXOO
Mary, Rosie and Sanntay,
Thank you. I’d cried so much to a point of complete exhaustion. It was not until I got tired of feeling so sad that the light bulb came on. I was able to step out of that emotion and see things more clearly, positively and thankfully for this relationship that I will always cherish regardless of whatever direction it takes. We are good for each other, period.
Happy for you Tink. It sounds like you are both in a healthy place :0)
Hi Natalie,
Thank you for wisdom as usual. I loved the phrase “in treating you well, that balm soothes the hurt…”
Also, I would live to know more where you shop, what your favorite stores are, etc. you have such lovely taste!!!
Sending blessings your way!
“We can be surprisingly stubborn when it comes to holding onto thinking and so we become attached to a fixed idea that isn’t actually fixed, such as the notion that we’re no good or that we’re to blame for ‘everything’.”
TESTIFY, NAT!! WOOT!!
Spot on and just what I needed to hear, thanks girl. I’ve had this “fixed” idea for over a year that my job is just a soul-crushing existence and that’s that, and who am I to expect any more, since everyone is having a hard time getting jobs these days and I should be GRATEFUL to have one, after all.
The thing is, yes this is a shite economy. Yes, I should be grateful to have a job. But guess what? There are other ideas, other than these “fixed” ideas of mine, that are equally true. Did you all read the latest study (argh, can’t remember where I read it!!! Makes me think of that Portlandia skit–“Did you read it?” Lol) that says that more people are actually QUITTING there jobs right now. Crazy, right? And people–yes, even people I know–are finding jobs too.
Well, Nat and ladies and gents. Today I made a decision and it is this: I AM QUITTING MY JOB. Either tomorrow or Friday. And I don’t have another job, other than a few freelance gigs. I DO have savings that should last me a good 6 to 8 months, so I’ve got to hustle. But I just couldn’t do it, I just couldn’t stay in this job. These last few weeks, I’ve been getting nauseous while driving to work. I’ve been stressed and depressed, and haven’t wanted to get out of bed on the weekends. This is not me. All of it is caused by my job. I’ve come to the realization that I’d rather live out of my car than keep this job, no joke. And guess what? After months of hemming and hawing and finally making the decision today, my stomache is calm and my peace has returned to me after being gone for a LOOOOOONNNNG time. For a long time, I have felt the disappointment of not being able to just deal with my unhappiness at work, like “What is wrong with me, why can’t I make this work?” But I can’t fight it anymore.
“I can’t fight this feeling anymorrrrreeee….
I’ve forgotten what I started fighting forrrrr…..”
Sorry, REO Speedwagon break. Anyway, that’s the news on my end. I’ll soon be a hobo. But a happy one. 😉
Good luck Rev! I know that feeling well. I can remember actually crying on my way to work. How ridiculous is that? Don’t be in too much of a rush, I am sure the perfect role is out there for you, just waiting.
Revolution,
YAY! I’m so excited for you! Your courage is inspiring. I wish you good luck in your new frontier, but I bet you’ll land on both feet just fine, dancing as you do. One day, I will be brave like you.
Revolution–I’m right there with you! We’ll both be hobos hopping off the train to unhappiness while hopping the train through Adventureland with nothing but our knapsacks of grace, memories, experiences, and skills. Oh, what a heavy load but we’re strong enough to carry our precious treasures….
I can’t afford to quit my job (had to anyway due to no longer having car) but can relate to the tightening of the stomach and jaw muscles, nausea, not wanting to get up in the morning, etc. This is my final week, have a couple job interviews this upcoming week, don’t know where I’ll be living in October (if I get hired by one of the potential employers). Yet, in spite of my life being all up in the air, I already feel as if my time is mine again because I’m taking back my soul from the company store.
Should things look bleak during your job search, Suki gave some wonderful pointers! On another post, she said to post a note on the bathroom mirror, “There are solutions to be found!” and other action-oriented positive statements. She also pointed out the obvious that there are things that are within my control and I can focus on controlling/changing those things. I don’t know if this is helpful to you or not but her advice has been tremendously helpful to me.
Prayers for all of us searching for jobs!
Rosie,
I was just about to acknowledge your well-wishing support to me and then ask how you are doing? I have my answer for now. One thing I’m learning is that sometimes we need to back off of trying so hard to structure outcomes. Oftentimes things will be what they’re destined to be regardless of how much we wring our hands and try to control what happens. Nothing constructive is accomplished amid a super stressful environment. You are sounding much less stressed even though your job is about to end. I hope you will find creative ways to deal with finding employment, transportation and, etc. We will have issues come up in our lives. The way we react and deal with those issues is everything. Our minds lead us to imagine it 10 times worse than it actually is. That is not to say, we may have to endure a very tough situation, but there are answers. We just have to RELAX and find them. I never used to look at my life this way, but now I ask God or ME what is the lesson I’m supposed to learn here? Also, our lives our transient. Our world does not remain the same day after day. Stressful events, issues, are always jumping out at us and we have to constantly seek positive and constructive ways of handling them. Life is full of challenges. How we meet those challenges determines how we grow or remain the quicksand of our troubles for far longer than was necessary. We also need to learn to see little benefits and advantages that may not be so easily noticed as the negative ones.
I think that we all need to take a lesson from Rev and how she is dealing with voluntarily quitting her job. It may seem irresponsible to some people but my attitude is, why continue in a job, relationship or whatever that makes you so unhappy you become physically ill.
Your soul is telling you, “No. Stop. Look. Listen. FEEL. What is the message, here?” Rosie, you are a long time BRer. You will find your answers. It’s just a matter of time and I hope it will be sooner rather than later. Good luck and thank you for the encouragement. It’s been better for me since I stopped being so frenzied over our relationship and returned to thinking more positively and being thankful. We can only do so much. God is in charge and know what we need.
Thank you Tinkerbell- I read your message the day after you posted it but I didn’t get the chance to respond as I’ve been so busy! I received a job offer and will also have a new place to live. 🙂 You are right–when I relaxed and resigned myself to God’s will, that’s when things started to happen because I wasn’t appearing as insecure to potential employers but as confident (never mind the reality) and positive.
Thank you so much, Tinkerbell, for your beautiful heart and for your time and thoughtfulness in all your posts.
Rev, I am in such awe of you. That is such an inspiration and I wish you the best in your search for a job that makes you happy. I feel like you do much of the time too. I wish I could quit my soul killing job but I still have 2 daughters living with me and I’m on my own with these expenses.
Rev, girl you’ve got guts and heart! I admire your strength. You are a person who is determined to land on her feet no matter what curve balls are thrown at her. For one thing, you don’t seem to take yourself or life’s setbacks too seriously. That’s a good trait to have. I wish I had it. Undaunting positivity. That’s how my friend (boyfriend)is, always has a joke or makes me laugh. He loves life and I can tell by your posts that you do too. Good luck. When I say that to you, in particular, I know you will be fine. You were wise to have a savings at your disposal giving you loads more freedom to pursue your dreams.
Rev I should be supporting you but your post was so helpful as you “open my eyes”! You know I used to work in the Bank and I was so proud of myself as I passed 4 interviews in order to get this job, guess what?! I quit few years later as I hated so much! I was still thinking and regretting how stupid of me to leave, but somehow I am ok with it now! As I am financially independent I found simple job, with no stress, less money but wonderful colleagues and customers who I adore! Give yourself time to adjust the situation, already great that you feel relief;) I wish you all the best x
Thanks Natalie an inspiration as always. I think we out grow our favourite shops as we do people sometimes. X
Revolution – go for it! I quit my job with nothing to go to after a year of misery. 3 hour daily commutes which exacerbated my vertigo through fatigue. I looked all around me for the support I felt I needed to make that decision and take the jump but didnt get it. I finally realised I knew exactly what I wanted and didn’t need anyone else to help me decide. I’m now in a great job that I really enjoy and is close to home. Good luck!
Disappointments are worse when poverty strikes. Yet I give it my best when it comes to pampering myself with all the good things, some from my kitchen, my garden, and my pals; all which are still part of my life, although some relationships never got fixed. Today I tell myself, perhaps they were never my responsibility or destiny to fix after all. I let others take their own duly charge, I’m not God.
Natalie, I am soooo glad you are back from vacation, I was missing your wisdom several times a week. I only just discovered this site a few months ago and so far have read “Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl” and you have sent me some of your library e-information and worksheets. I am so glad to have found your resources and am working on myself.
I have been living under a cloud of disappointment everyday for the last 4 years which has led to my suffering with anxiety and mild depression. I’m 29 now and I want to stop feeling like a lost cause! It feels like everything in my world serves to remind of how lacking my life really is.
Disappointed that I don’t earn enough money.
Disappointed that I have never had a lasting healthy relationship.
Disappointed that I don’t have someone who loves me and wants to build a future.
Disappointed with not knowing if/when I’ll get married and start a family.
Disappointed with living with systemic lupus and taking many meds.
Disappointed seeing my friends/family reach various milestones in life while I’m stuck in perpetual “student” mode.
I never thought my life would be this way when I was younger and the disappointment I feel for myself is crippling.
I want this to change. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy my life again! I want to embrace turning 30 and start fresh by changing old habits and behaviours that have gotten me nowhere in 29 years.
Thanks for this post, it’s opened my eyes to the fact that only I can change my life. I’m not going to become sad and bitter, I won’t allow it.
I’ve been reading your website for a while now, but never felt the need to comment until this post.
I never felt quite good enough as a child. My mum was a force of nature, whipping everyone around her into working their best all the time. I had to achieve at every single breathing moment, otherwise I wasn’t enough. As an only child & dad having left when I was 4, it was really intense. She would either bark at me, strip me down with sarcasm or ignore me for days.
This changed when I started secondary school, when she got Breast cancer. At first, I was away from the ‘achieve’ radar & let myself relax. But sas the years went by and she got more and more cancers, constantly being told she had 6 months to live & exceeding it, my list of things to achieve went beyond keeping her happy- it was keeping her alive, not ever mentioning the illness, pretending. It was like waiting for a bomb to go off- which I could at any time.
When she finally passed on, when I was 20, I was so ready for it. But going back to uni the crushing disappointment in myself seeped into my chest, making it difficult to breathe, of showing love without accompanied by anxious fears about loss & forgiveness.
Of course, this sounds like grief – expected, right? But that was 8 years ago now, and I feel exactly the same way. It’s a huge blocker. This black mass sitting over my heart tells me all the things I’m unable to have – a loving family, parental acceptance, freedom of choice, a happy relationship, a life that really shows my potential. How dare I want any of this? I’m a disappointment.
My GP diagnosed me with a mild form of PTSD- which at the time didn’t seem fair. I hadn’t been in a war, I don’t want any labels, I just want to have a bit of normality! The drama was never mine. Even though I’ve become a bit if a ball- buster (like my mum) and everyone comments on my confidence & truthful directness- I’m not very truthful with myself about the past. The tape is still played over and over about my role in my mums life- even though it was my life too, I can’t seem to claim the past back. It’s filled with intense helplessness, frustration and huge slab of guilt.
And now, of course, I’ve found a man I want to spend my life with. And it’s mutual- something I thought I would never have in a million years. But the overwhelming feeling of not quite reaching the bar, of being a dissapointment or not good enough, of not being able to live a full life without letting the disappointment living in my body, means I don’t want to make a new life with someone with all this baggage. Just a small purse maybe.
So my question- how do you accept disappointment? In a healthy way without it overwhelming you? I know this is a ‘years in the making’ process but this post struck such a cord with me. Hiw do you make the first steps? I don’t want to be managing my intense feelings of anxious doom all the time, beating myself up quietly at every given moment- I want to see life as the gift it is 🙂
I tend to perseverate along the lines of imagining the conversation I would have had with him if the narcissist hadn’t dumped me via text message. I fantasize about pointing out the inconsistencies, the changes in his behavior, the slip-ups that “prove” he was lying from the very beginning. I’d somehow convince him to just tell the truth, because as bad as it is, it can’t be worse that what I currently believe.
I have bad dreams every night about what he cost me, psychologically, socially and financially. I don’t know how to stop myself from breaking into tears at the first thought of his betrayal.
Sooo…I have to acknowledge, I’m in full-on PTSD once again. Having said that, I’m proud of myself for maintaining no contact for almost two months. It really does help. Thanks for your clarity and certainty, Natalie. I would not have come this far without you!
Suzanne,
I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain.
Believe it or not, but when you start to take the focus off him and look at your complicity in the relationship, you will start the process of healing. Not only is this necessary to move on, but to change your unhealthy patterns of tolerating crap relationships.
Put the focus on you!
I have been blessed with a really healthy relationship after years and years of being the other woman, booty call, playmate etc. Some of this while married. I finally divorced my husband and turned things around with a really great man. I have stumbled many times though trying to create problems because I am so used to being disappointed. It takes so much effort to let things be. right now by biggest source of disappointment is his ex. they had the life I always wanted, a baby , a house, she has the education and job I wanted too. We will never have kids , and are both rebuilding lives after divorce and even a house is years away.I can’t seem to accept my life as it is even though I am very much loved. I feel like I have to remind myself every day not to be jealous. I made alot of bad choices in men and with money, and education, I cant seem to get past yet.
We are learning how to blend a family and I find myself finding reasons to be disappointed because it wasnt my fist plan. Everyone else is happy and fine but me.
Hey Revs!
Burned out after 7 years teaching in the inner city in SoCal, I quit my job as a primary school teacher back in ’05 as I was divorcing my ex-husband. I was a week from being tenured, but it had been my dream to live abroad for many years, and I decided to go for it. My colleagues at the time said I was crazy!! In spite of the negative response, I went online and looked for TEFL schools. A picture of Prague popped up….I applied, was accepted, and a funny thing happened…I met someone who had connections to Prague on the Internet by chance–or was it? That person put me in contact with people who lived in Prague, and when I arrived, I had a personal driver who picked me up at the airport, and people who wanted to hire me after I finished training. I went from making a five figure salary to earning the equivalent of $600 per month teaching adults English. That’s when I started thinking I’d made a mistake! LOL!! My goal was to be able to travel! How could I do that on my measely wages!?? One evening, while having dinner with other expats, a fellow American teacher told me to apply for a job at his international school. I did. My salary went back up to five figures, and I was able to travel all over Europe during school breaks and holidays! After living in Eastern Europe for 15 months, I lived in the UAE for 2 1/2 years, taught at an international school there, and traveled all over the Middle East. Remember those colleagues that told me I was crazy!? Well, they were now writing me and telling me how brave I was and how much they envied me. Ha!! I now live in NorCal, have a great job teaching Special Ed, own my own home in a quaint little waterfront town, and earn in the most money I have ever made in my whole life….and guess what…?? I made tenure last month!!
Girl, step out on faith, believe in yourself (have a backup plan just in case), ignore the naysayers, and pursue your dream!!
At Peace,
Thanks for sharing your story. I know it was intended for Revolution but it inspired me too. It’s amazing what we can do if we just have some faith in ourselves.
At Peace I was looking to tech overseas too. Specifically, Prague. What a great story! Righteous!
I’ve been dealing a lot with disappointment in my life, and it has all seemed to come home to roost this past year or so. Disappointment in putting on weight and not being able to lose it; disappointment for my lapse back into severe depression; disappointment in my mother when she makes ignorant judgements about my life – but most of all, disappointment in my inability (so far) to find someone. But, I have taken a lot of time out to try and be good to myself, and accept that perhaps marriage and kids may not be on the radar for me. To be fair, the career in the RAF never panned out either, was also gutted but I got over it.
Any ideas on how to get an overbearing, judgemental, gas-lighting “oh but I do/say these things because I LOVE you” off my case, please? She is forever compounding my sense of shame and disappointment.
Welcome back Nat!!
Glad you enjoyed your holidays!! I have been working towards offsetting the feelings of disappointment that I have had over not being lucky in love. It’s especially hard when I meet people who are lucky in love. For example, how can the FF/EUM get married, find love and happiness, while I still remain single?? I am not mad that he found someone to make him happy… I feel sad from time-to-time because I have not 🙁
When I find myself traveling down that road, I try and refocus my thought on. how blessed my life is even though I am traveling solo. Besides, who knows what the future holds?? Just because I am single now does not mean I will remain this way. Evn if I did, I will still lead a happy and fulfilled life.
Ladies and gents,
I cannot TELL you how invaluable your feedback has been to me today. I needed to hear those words of encouragement (especially your message At Peace!!).
I just handed in my letter of resignation this morning, and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my heart.
More news to come!
Love,
Revs
Thank you so much for this post. I am really happy I came across it. I was recently involved with someone who I thought was a great fit. Unfortunately things didn’t work out, and I can’t help but wonder what happened and why. Time has been flying by, which has been helping in healing, but it comes back around every once in a while. I have noticed the feeling is slowly fading, though. I have changed my outlook on such things and have been putting my energy toward my career and fitness. Thanks again. Looking forward to more posts.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and I still can’t help but think everything was my fault, which I suppose can be a fixed idea. I do this at work and with family as well, as if I am asking for mistreatment. But if someone mistreats you but then is also the one to walk away and says things like, “we have nothing in common, “I have really high standards” or “I don’t think I could ever fall in love with you”, does that ultimately make me the one responsible? Since I clearly had been making him miserable yet continued to hold on until essentially forcing him to break up with me? Does him breaking up with me absolve him of all responsibility? What I’m really afraid to hear is that, like this post states, I just want to blame him and make him a bad person because that’s an easier option.
Its a movie out in the us called baggage reclaim
Yes. But it’s a sitcom, isn’t it? I saw it in the coming attractions but didn’t pay much attention since it didn’t seem to relate to our BR.
Today feels especially hard. I recently met a great guy that I actually liked (red flag) and yesterday he said he thought we were moving way too fast and he wasn’t ready for anything serious. I say red flag because every single guy I’ve ever been into has been EUM. I’ve dated many guys. We only went out 3x but it feels like a breakup. Unfortunately, I shared way too much of myself (thank you alcohol) and slept with him on the second date, something I pushed for, not him.
There is another guy I’ve been talking to who is very nice and surprise, surprise I’m not into him. Despite the fact that I passed out drunk on his bathroom floor the other night during our second date, he still is insisting to see me again. ? No, we have not hooked up. I’m too humiliated and embarrassed, so I will be calling it off, which I was planning anyway.
I’m having trouble shaking my terrible ex who I’ve been off and on with for 3 years. We are kind of back on after being off for 6 months. He has the mental capacity of a 12 year old and is very much a narcissistic EUM. He’s currently going through a death in his family, so is basically unavailable to comfort me, not that he provided much comfort before.
I’ve decided to detox from alcohol until mid-October, which is difficult in itself. Dependency runs in my family and I have a great time with my friends, who also love to go out drinking. But it’s hurting me. I don’t drink normal; I drink to numb. My ex EUM is an alcoholic, so I’m hoping if I refuse to come out drinking with him, he will leave me alone.
I have issues with money from growing up grossly poor, so I work a ton to compensate. This also hurts my mental health since I have very little downtime to process my thoughts/feelings. When I do have the downtime, I go out to avoid the feelings. My mother is still ridiculously poor and hasn’t worked in many years. I moved across the country to get away from her, but she definitely has a profound impact on my mental state. Whenever I speak to her (usually at night after work), I am very depressed the next day. She has her own set of mental issues, which she has never acknowledged. I feel like I am not good enough because I cannot provide her with the help she needs. Even when I help her financially, I feel awful cause it’s never enough. Then I end up working more to make up those lost wages and lather, rinse, repeat.
It’s interesting reading the comments about PTSD, as I think I may be suffering as well. I’m not strong enough nor have the training to deal with things that are coming up. I can’t really deal with my mother’s situation anymore. And I’m tired of “scaring” off seemingly good guys cause I reveal too much too soon. I’m also tired of being EUM myself. It’s totally a misrepresentation. I really do want better. It’s not fair that something I had no control over (my childhood) affects me this deeply in my current life and relationships.
Lisa, you will find most of the people on this site have had a painful childhood with unresolved validation needs from limited or absent parents. They are tired of being emotionally unavailable themselves and want better too. They, like you have had loveless, or relationshipless sex. Many are looking for security, kindness,fun, future planning, affection, a family life but have not confronted nor resolved the demons of the childhood we had no control over. So we offer sex and attention to a willing receiver, in hopes they will give what we crave.
But I think you have a project to tackle first. You should not consider detoxing from alcohol until Oct. but for the rest of your life. Look for alcoholics anonymous meetings to start with. You will not be able to genuinely give in a relationship until you deal with this.
This is the first BR post I had a really hard time with. It’s not for not trying. I just can’t do this right now. I will come back to it though.
Tomorrow will be six years ago my dad died. So that’s not helping.
Last night, I met with a friend I haven’t seen in a while. I told my break-up story and my well meaning pal pointed out that something i mentioned (an argument i had with the ex based on a suspicion) was definitely a huge red flag. This argument was more than a full month before I finally ended things. Pal of mine said the ex was most definitely lying by omission. I think I already knew this but I didn’t want to. I’m feeling worse now. Have kept myself from texting or calling her to both confront her AND ask why I wasn’t good enough. Really hurts. On top of the hurt I’m not sure what it is but I’m giving myself a hard time for feeling shitty.
I don’t want to think about her anymore. I opened it up all over again by talking about what happened. And I felt all the bad stuff all over again in the re telling. Lesson learned.
Able, let yourself process it. That includes talking about it with mates. It might make you feel sad and shitty and everything else, but please don’t avoid discussing it in order to hide from your feelings. Don’t try to avoid thinking about her. I don’t really know from personal experience (I am still learning) but there must be a healthy balance between blocking something out of your mind completely and ruminating/ obsessing.
You already know, you will have some days that are harder than others. Ok tomorrow won’t be a good day, and I’m sorry about the sad anniversary, but there are brighter days ahead for you.
Mary and Able. Hope you are both well. Kahill Gibran has this to say about pain.
“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self chosen. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity;…”
Kahill Gibran’s writing has helped me resurface from some very black holes at times. I’m in the middle of a busy period – moving house, new job- changes that are serving my best interests. Until I willed myself to act, my feelings of loss and disappointment were dominating me. Partially triggered by the need to act and at the same time inhibiting me from acting. Hope, in some form or other is still with me. Mostly for me in the everyday it’s just a little ever present longing for intimacy with another, whilst memories of him and what we shared fall into a better perspective with each passing hour.
Hi Lizz, gosh you’re super busy. Changing job and house at the same time sounds stressful. But also exciting.
I also have the longing for intimacy with another. Can’t imagine when that will be since I only seem to get myself into toxic relationships, and I won’t do that again (I hope).
Wishing you all the best xx
Natalie, thank you for this post, it’s dead right as usual. 🙂
Able–
“And I felt all the bad stuff all over again in the re telling. Lesson learned.”
What lesson did you learn? Suppressing feelings by not talking about what happened is unhealthy. If you haven’t seen this Pal in a while, I don’t know if it’s over-talking, either. Grief isn’t linear. Sometimes a person feels life is over, wakes up and life is fine for a few months, then something triggers something, such as black cat that looks just like the ex’s black cat and the bad feelings drown the person once again…just let yourself grieve.
Hi Rosie,
I could see you responded to my last post to you, but I don’t know how to track them down here. The FB site I’m talking about is for members that have taken/are taking one of the classes, such as the Self-Esteem course. I don’t know if you’ve ever taken one, and it sounds like your circumstances don’t permit that right now. Thank you for your encouraging comments. I don’t know if we are allowed to exchange email addresses here or not, but if we are, I’d be happy to do that and communicate with you more. I’ll see what I can find out – I do like to follow the ‘rules.’ 🙂 Praying for a job to come through for you in time.
Thank you, Punkylove5 :)- I read your comment days ago but haven’t been able to respond as I’ve been so busy! I did recently get a job. I start in a week! I also found a place to live. 🙂 Ok, so the FB page is for those enrolled in one of Nat’s courses? I would like to take one of her courses but I have to take care of a few other expenses first. I don’t think I have to use my real name or real photo (How will they know if it’s me or not? 😉 ) on FB.
I appreciate your reaching out to me and your efforts in making sure all questions are answered and for providing people with resources and even offering your E-mail! Thank you so much! 🙂
Able, definitely get the frustration about just wanting the thinking about them to STOP. The problem, we can’t selectively numb emotions. We can’t pick shut the bad ones off without shutting off the positive good ones too. I know it sucks, and the temptation to dwell and blame and self blame is strong. At this point, you aren’t warring with your feelings about her, you’re warring with your feelings about YOU. Forgive yourself and start the process of legitimately moving on. You love yourself with action and loving yourself is key to letting this go. Good luck.
I recently found your blog. You are a Godsend. I cannot thank you enough. Thanks to you, I found me again and have been able to untie myself from a relationship with an EUM. I am in the dealing with disappointment stage and this post was RIGHT on time. I still have a ways to go, for sure, but I am so HAPPY to be heading kn the rigjt direction. Thank you for using your powers for good! ???? You are wonderful.
Natalie thank you for this post.
I need to address my disappointment (and deep hurt and anger) about my emotionally unavailable mother. And to a lesser extent, father.
Forget the disappointments about the various EUM boyfriends, the EU mother is the root of my unhappiness, depression, anxiety and low self esteem. And all subsequent failed relationshits.
I would find it easier to accept her for who she is and not take it so personally if I didn’t have evidence that she is there for my other siblings. So then, although I know it’s primarily her flaw, I can’t help but take it personally and question why she’s different with me. She shows more affection and love to her dog than she does to me. That’s a big ouch. Last time I left after visiting, she tried to give me money for train fare, I got tearful because I need her affection and love, not £. Anyway, I cried, she walked away talking to the dog.
I never produced any grandchildren for her, which is how she seems to relate to my siblings; by being a famously fantastic grandmother (grrr). Sometimes I feel that I’m the only one who sees what she’s really like, and that’s hard. Note: I was never a difficult child, or a rebel; I have a good career with excellent academic achievements. I’m not the black sheep of the family. If anything I overachieved for her approval, which never came anyway.
I emailed her about how sad I felt about my latest dating failure and got such a lame response (weeks later) that just compounded everything.
I emailed her photos of my nieces and nephews in their new school uniforms – at the request of my niece – no response.
I know, I have to let myself feel the disappointment but not get carried away by it. But where to draw the line? It’s so hard. My mum and I are pretty much NC by default, but I don’t want to be NC with my ageing mother. I don’t want to regret things when she’s passed.
I suppose I have to accept her for who she is, accept myself for who I am and try not to take it so personally. My heart is racing as I write this. And I feel pain, which (as Peanut advised) I am letting myself lean in to. I have to get the balance between letting in the sad, painful emotions and letting them totally overwhelm me.
Well that was a long ramble.
Natalie. On the topic of shopping, I advise you to avoid the organic clothes shop in Blackheath unless you don’t mind the colours running. I bought a lovely red skirt and then discovered a pink and navy striped top in place of a white and navy striped top in my laundry just now. Sticking to TK Maxx.
MaryW
I’ve enjoyed reading your posts over the past few months and I hope you continue your journey of self-exploration and recovery from your recent ‘dating failure’.
I was struck by your comment about your emotionally unavailable parents. Mine were the same: emotions just weren’t really talked about in my family and I can’t recall a single time when they said ‘I love you’ to me.
I was always the subject of my parents’ sarcastic sense of ‘humour’. As an example, I remember when I was around nine years old getting a school report which said I was an ‘asset to the school’. When I proudly showed it to my parents, my dad’s response was that it was a mistake and that it should have read that I was an ass, sent to the school.
As a 40 year old guy I can now see the joke, but as nine year old I couldn’t. It’s no surprise therefore that my coping strategy while growing up was one of avoidance – keep myself to myself, minimise my emotions, read my books in my room and do little to draw attention to myself. That coping strategy, inevitably, influenced my relations with people outwith my biological family in adulthood.
It’s taken me until finding this site a few years ago to start to question my childhood experiences (I assumed they were ‘normal’ since nothing identifiably ‘bad’ had happened), reframe them and build a convincing intellectual narrative about why I am the way I am and what I can do about it.
In addition to this blog helping on that journey, I was immensely helped by the book ‘Running on Empty’ by Dr Jonice Webb. Her thesis is about ’emotional neglect’ and how what didn’t happen to you in childhood is as important (perhaps more so) than what did.
I’ve put a link to her website below and a link to reviews of her book on the Amazon US site (where the book’s published). I’m in the UK and although I don’t think the book’s been published here, it is available through Amazon UK (and I’m sure other retailers too).
I hope you find it as useful as I did in helping build a narrative of your childhood that stops the temptation to blame yourself and allows you to move on from any negative experiences.
Iain
http://www.drjonicewebb.com/
Hi Iain,
Thanks so much for the reply and for sharing your own story. I totally relate to your coping mechanism, and wonder if my childhood is why I’m such an introvert.
I am having therapy and reading a lot here; they compliment one another. Natalie’s posts and the support from other BR readers helps so much.
Thanks for recommending the book – I read some of the reviews and I’ve ordered it! I appreciate your time in commenting 🙂
Hi Mary
I was quite therapeutic in itself to sit down and write out my story. Like you, I’d resoundingly class myself as an introvert; I suspect I was predisposed that way by my nature and my experiences in childhood and adolescence (ie nurture, or lack of it) compounded those traits.
I hope that you find the book as useful and affirming as I did and would be genuinely interested in hearing your views on it once you’ve read and reflected on it.
Iain
I will let you know how I find the book. I’m going to discuss it the therapist and ask her if she’s read it.
The nature/ nurture aspect of being an introvert is certainly interesting. I don’t know how much of it is just me. I notice my 7 yr old niece is more of an introvert, the exact opposite of her 9 yr old sister, yet they are treated the same by their parents. Me and my sister were most definitely treated differently than my brothers, and we (the females) are much more damaged than my brothers.
Tink, there’s a long story with my mum probably beginning with our separation when I was 2.5 and she had to go to hospital for an extended period (months) when she was pregnant with my sister. I think all my abandonment and attachment issues stem from there. It’s possible I was withdrawn from her afterwards and that’s what makes her EU to me … I don’t know, I was so little that I can’t really recall, except little snippets of things like the ambulance coming for her …. that’s very painful and sad. Oops, didn’t mean to recall that at this very moment.
Thanks again, Iain, and Tink. Wishing you both well.
Wow, Mary. I was just thinking about posting to Pauline after reading her post. Once Mom is gone there goes the opportunity for discussion. Like you I was sort of abandoned, also. My parents had married but they were young and still in college. My mother never told me this but they had to get married when she became pregnant with me. Then, I was sent to live with a childless unmarried cousin who raised me for the first 2 years of my life. She adored me and spoiled me rotten. After the 2 yrs passed my mother and father took me back home. I’m sure there had to have been some kind of disconnect for me even though I was just a toddler. By the time I learned the facts of my early years, I was already grown a very long time. If my mother had not be stricken with Alzheimer’s I would have been able to talk to her and ask her as many questions as I wanted until I felt satisfied. But she was taken from me by that disease long before she actually died and before I realized what I wanted to know. So I’m telling you that after you’ve read the book try to engage your mother in conversation about the relationship between the two of you. Tell her how you are feeling. Make her listen to you and get it all out. Get her in touch with her own mortality and maybe it might get her to open up to you. My God, she gave birth to you. i carry a very deep hurt and questions that I would have wanted the opportunity to ask my Mom. I learned only about 10 years ago that I was illegitimate, my parents had to get married and that I was sent to live with a cousin for the first 2 years of my life. By the time I learned this my Mom was already stricken with Alzheimer’s so even though she was still alive, she was unable to engage in a sensible conversation. I had been told that the reason my parents did not keep me was because they were still in college. But, I never her those words from my Mom. It was kept secret. I don’t know if your family was like that years ago the older family members had lots of family secrets that were know by two or three relatives but certainly not the entire family. Anyway, I’m rambling here. My point here, Mary is try to break through the barrier you are feeling because once she is gone the chance goes with her.
Hi Tink
I am super aware that when my mother passes it’ll be too late but how can I start such a discussion with her when she walks away and talks to the dog rather than ask me why I’m crying (the last time I saw her, as she was trying to give me money). I have to learn to accept her as she is and somehow let go of the disappointment and anger. She simply won’t open up to me in that way, and if I try I risk further rejection and downright humiliation for being weak enough to have such feelings (I imagine she’d say something along those lines).
With your experience, I’m sure it had some effect on you. Not necessarily your mum initially leaving you as a wee baby (but maybe?) but definitely leaving your adoring cousin to go to two strangers who happened to be your parents. Wow. Do you remember any of that?
I am not closing the door on talking with my mum, but I think I’ll read the book first and discuss it with my therapist.
Iain, if you’re still here, did you ever talk to your parents about the way you were brought up?
Hi Mary
No, I haven’t asked my parents why they brought me up the way they did. I may someday, but I don’t think that I would get a particularly deep and revealing answer if I did. I’m sure they did the best they could based on their experiences from their own upbringing. In Dr Webb’s book she describes a number of types of parent and the one that I identified most with was one she defined as ‘well meaning but neglected themselves’. In other words, the parent brings up the child the way they were brought up themselves and so the cycle continues.
Emotions just weren’t really talked about in our family. Hence although my upbringing attended to all my physical needs, it didn’t really equip me emotionally for life and in particular for relating to others. That point came home to me at a friend’s wedding a few years ago when it was obvious from his relationship with his parents that they’d really shown their love for him and nurtured him.
My strategy has been to accept my parents for what they are and develop a compassionate view that they did their best for me based on their experiences. I then resolved that the way I was brought up didn’t have to continue to define me and that it was wholly up to me to have a compassionate look at myself and work on changing the areas that I felt needed some work.
On reflection now I can see that I muddled through early adulthood not really thinking about any of the above. I went to University, got on with life, bought a flat etc all without seeking any real emotional support from anyone – I suppose I would have equated doing so with weakness, perhaps. While the independence and self-resilience I developed has its good points, I can now see that I was living without really feeling much. Furthermore, because I hadn’t really experienced expressing my feelings much while growing up, that transferred into not really expressing my needs much either (again, I suspect because I would have viewed doing so as a weakness – stupid, I know). Unsurprisingly, I can think back to numerous examples where I’ve let people walk all over me, which leads into a vicious cycle of self-critical thoughts.
My journey of curiosity to look afresh at my childhood led me to reconsider whether what I’d experienced and classed as normal actually was. In addition to reading BR and various books, I came across this webpage http://sfhelp.org/gwc/normal.htm which made me look critically at what I’d considered ‘normal’. The chap’s website might at first look a bit difficult to navigate, but it’s worth persevering with as it’s a really deep repository of useful information and deserves a wider audience. I hope it’ll help you process the feelings of disappointment and anger towards your mother that you mentioned.
Sometimes I wonder what life would’ve been like had I done this work on myself earlier in life. But rather than beat myself up about that, I’ve learned to develop a more compassionate view and realise that there are loads of people out there who never really develop any meaningful level of self-awareness and never do anything to improve their psychological well-being. I hope that you look back on this period in a few years’ time as the start of a fruitful journey of self-improvement – it’s obvious from your posts that you’re intelligent and self-aware, so I’m sure those two qualities will help immensely.
Iain
Hi Iain
Thanks so much for this response and the link. I am going to have a good look through it. Your experiences sound similar to mine; just sort of plodding along through life, not making the most of it. I find that sad. All those wasted years.
I am somewhat heartened that you didn’t feel the need to talk to your parents about your upbringing, because I really can’t imagine anything worse.
Thanks for all your help and encouragement! I really appreciate it.
Thanks for the comment MaryW and I’m glad you found my musings helpful. Like you, I couldn’t imagine anything worse than asking my parents why they brought me up the way they did. I’ve just resolved to accept them for the way they are and, as described in the article below (last link, I promise!) be my own ‘fairy godmother’.
Hi Mary W, how are you? My active life is so busy right now (in good and positive ways – moving house is something I’ve wanted to do since 2011 – tried to sell then but nothing,this time I am renting it out and moving to an area not too far away but a lot less isolating and more community orientated). Have had a bit of a chance to catch up today and I wanted to say thank you for comments you addressed to me in Anniversary NC/Do not Engage Posts.
*Tinkerbell too, thank you for your comments in those posts. My love life has been non-existent since last November and December and I stopped trying to date about 3 months ago (will most probably give it a go again in the new year). On my good days (Hmmm, really it’s more like 6/7 these days!)I harbour a small but ever present longing that feels like hopeful hope for relationship intimacy in the future. There are moments of course in those days but I pass through them.
My’confessions’always take me back to the same root – re-finding my inside rock that tells me without self defeating doubt, that I am valuable and loveable. It’s relatively new for me to delve into that place – I was surprised it existed; but it doesn’t permeate me as it should. I have to wade through shit loads of shame and self loathing (barely conscious but shows up in not treating myself well)to attach my feelings to my knowledge of my value. I’m suspecting though, that when I act in the world and am fully engaged in what I am doing the rock is glowing a bit.
Recently I was (and still am, though it has receded)in pain of loneliness and memories of someone from a year ago, several key dates have now passed. I felt a recurrence of loss, but I am past analysing and thinking in cycles of regret. A good day is when I can feel all I am feeling and still stay connected with a real sense of my own worthiness and value, when it is like that…well that is being alive and being grounded and present whatever the feeling – the antithesis of depression and apathy.
Mary, re: mothers. I wrote in a previous post somewhere about my relationship (or lack thereof) with my mother. Just as you speculate that the answer might be having to just accept and let go, this is what eventually happened for me with my mother – after many years I have to add. As I wrote elsewhere, when I was going through it within myself and in therapy I walked a very non-straight path. I NCed her several times, hoping for her to change but when I tried talking to her it was the same.Somehow, over time, I simply came to accept this. I had one or two conversations with her sometime after I stopped trying to find a ‘her’ that could respond and love me as I wished and desired. These were sort of questioning sessions where I asked her about her own childhood and a little about my earliest years.She answered what she wanted to in her usual manner. I took what I needed to help myself. I could only do this because by that stage somehow I no longer struggled with expectations and no longer sought from her what she didn’t have to give. I like her far better now that I have reached this understanding about myself and her. I see her exactly as often as I want to (which isn’t much). With this acceptance is a good peace and no more guilt.
My relationship with my father was different and as with my post a few weeks back it’s this and all the muddy connections with the recent man who left that in my everyday life sits simmering in the background. Slow cooking for the moment. Building up my ties to the rock for now, but I do hear it gently bubbling away. All the best to you too, Mary W. I think you’re doing so well, stay with yourself as you discover/uncover her. xx
Mary
Glad you saw Iain’s post and order the book. It does have very good reviews. I won’t get it for myself just yet. But, sounds like it’ll be good for you as it seems as though your Mom is EU toward you for whatever reason. Perhaps, you just have to let her be and pray on it. We cannot MAKE a person act the way we want them to towards us. Let us know your thoughts and if it helped you.
Mary W
Your post about your relationship with your mother struck a real nerve. I had the same sort of relationship with my mother and I can’t ever remember either of my parents saying they loved me. I’m sure they did in their own way. I know there wasn’t a lot of money and it was a struggle at times for them, but we always had food and clothes and my mother did the best she could with limited resources.
When my mother died and I was going through the legal winding up of her estate, the solicitor told me that she had changed her will 2 weeks before she died (pancreatic cancer) and that my mother loved me very much. I thought ‘what the hell’, why would she tell him that and not me? Her one and only daughter?
It’s been 4 years since she died and I’m still sorting through the emotional turmoil of my relationship with my mother, the only thing is, I can’t talk to her now. I can’t ask her what she is thinking and feeling about anything. You know I wish I could have just one more day to give her a big hug and tell her I love her.
Pauline,
My parents, particularly my Mom did not talk about the love they felt for their children. it seems that in so many families, back in the day, emotions were just not discussed. It resonated with me when you asked why your mother didn’t tell you she loved you, but could tell the estate manager. Unless, he just made the assumption. I’m sorry that she passed away before you got the chance to tell her how much you loved her. I could count on one hand the number of times it from my Mom. But, fortunately, as I got older she was there for me. I was a handful always getting into some kind of unsavory situation and she had to come to the rescue. She did love me in her way. During the last part of her illness she knew I loved her, too.
I wonder if Natalie had any idea that this post about managing disappointment would carry us back to our childhoods and bring up so much in us to write about. She and BR are one of a kind.
Hi Pauline
Thanks for sharing. I know for sure that my parents have never said they love me. Ever. They are so old fashioned. I could get past that though if I felt loved. And I don’t. I recall my mum’s mother telling me “your mum does love you”, and I think that’s the nearest I’ve got. I wasn’t convinced, though I do see her trying to express it in odd ways sometimes (like giving me money, when I don’t need it).
It’s sad that that was the only way your mum could show her love for you, really sad, but also very touching. I can see how you’d want one last chance to tell her you love her but realistically she’d probably be too old fashioned and embarrassed to take the love and the hug.
I don’t know, I may be wrong about that, but there is a generation with a Victorian era hangover who seem to have been emotionally stunted. My mum is that plus, I expect, deeply unhappy herself.
Take care, Pauline x
Hi, MaryW,
Seems as though you and I have similar families.
My mother, my parents and my siblings never gave a crap about me. When I was young, I was too bookish, boring, nerdish, you name it. I sucked. I did all the calling and trying to maintain relationships with them. I realized for years the relationship was lopsided, but I slogged through, hoping to maintain a semblance of a family.
This year, screw it, I’m done. I make minimal effort with everyone. I’m done with my sister entirely, my brother never bothers anyway and my mother calls mainly to pretend to the others in the retirement center that she gives a crap. My daughter told me to just give up on them. It hurt her they didn’t care about her or me.
I know that when my mother passes (not any time soon ’cause only the good die young. LOL. No, we’re a long-lived family), that I did everything I could to maintain a relationship with her, but she hasn’t bothered on her end. I will have no regrets.
My regret that I have now, is that I spent more time worrying about them that could’ve been used on time thinking about how to please and care for the family and friends I have.
Please consider how your mother is emotionally unavailable. If you were to spend less time with her and have other things to do, she would probably at some point notice or reel you back in. My family hasn’t done that – they truly just don’t like me. However, she might in your case.
Either way, please work on limiting your regrets to missing out on people and things that bring JOY to your life. She has what she wants in her life – her dog!
So she called me… we talked. Didn’t agree on things from our last interaction but did acknowledge we have something here… that we want to see what happens…
Honestly, I think I went full tilt in the opposite direction bc I was afraid for the disappointment that might occur with this new girl. It is much easier for me to cut ppl off than deal w d unknown. I’m so uncomfortable right now… she could sooo hurt me… or it could be great. Idk…
Tink,
When I quit my job (that I kept for the benefits) I had severe migraines (like emergency room shot of morphine bad. Two years later, I’m not where I want to be financially but the 3month-long migraines are a thing of the past. Now I get a hint of a headache n I’m making plans to bounce. Oh yeah, I haven’t needed to go to the doc but like twice in the past two years…n it was for Rx refills n annuals.
Able,
What you are going through is normal during the early days of NC. You will have times when you feel strong and victorious, and then you’ll have times when you feel as though you’re not getting anywhere, and start to think of putting your hand back in the fire. DON’T. I can see how talking about her to your friend brought it all back up again and learning news that confirms something you already suspected painful. But, really, what does it matter. You’re already NC. Whatever you do don’t use this as an excuse to get in touch with her. That will be a big mistake and you’ll have to start the process of detaching all over again. Plus, you’ll feel worse for letting YOUrself down. Stay strong. It will be worth it if you stay on course.
just a note to say that this blog and all the comments are very helpful and insightful. I am doing a lot better than I was a few years ago with my EUM. I wish I could get over my fear of dating and intimacy (and to be honest, men in general) because this last experience just upended everything I ever believed about life and love and relationships.
Vivi,
You may find it helpful to not call him, “MY EUM”. It’s over and actually he was never “yours”, right? The phrase doesn’t even make sense when you stop and think about what you’re saying. Allow your mind to detach from THE EUM.
So happy for this site, I am going through a fresh break up, the tears keep falling, comforting words anyone? I need them
The day will come when you can remember without crying. The day will come when you realize you have gone a whole day without thinking of the person you so deeply cared for. The day will come when you are ready to welcome someone new into your heart. Thinking of you now and asking for blessings to come into your life…. Without experiencing deep sorrow, there can be no joy. In the future when you see someone else going through what you are experiencing now, you will understand and be able to support them. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but there is great value in heartbreak…we learn how to get over it and take a chance on love again.
Beautifully put, Vivere. I am finally at the remembering without crying stage, and I never thought that day would come, but it did. It took me a looooooong time, but I try to be gentle with myself and tell myself it takes as long as it takes. I suppose the other stages will come as well — a whole day without thinking of the AC/EUM would be sublime. NC and no longer chasing crumbs has enabled me to regain a sense of self. As Nat wrote above, “not just experiencing the disappointment but the knock-on effect of how they reacted and then continued to react to it” was the real kicker for me. Every subsequent contact was an opportunity for him to treat me without care and respect and left me disappointed with myself for allowing it.
This post is so timely Nat. Handling disappointment well, especially when it comes about as a result of others dishonesty, has always been a real struggle. When I disappoint myself, say the major crash I took during a race, taking out shoulder, ribs, collarbone, knee, I can give myself a dope slap for being such a klutz and try harder. When someone omits they’re attached, as did the dude I met at our races this summer, all I could do is leave the situation and grieve. Cannot even move on really as its now fall, teaching time, and the social door slams shut for the next nine months. No time, and no one healthy enough to be with. Have to be in two meetings with the at work AC, have to be in a meeting with his latest next week. Tired of having to turn away from folks so as to not deal with them. Deleted this summers “liar boys” emails, won’t be visiting his city this fall, instead I booked a place in a foofey resort town and tomorrow, instead of doing things romantic, will be gutting it out in a race with a 6000 foot climb, forcing the sadness out of my system. Since I was trying so hard to get “outthere” all summer, stuff didn’t get done. Another hard dope slap, not enough firewood in, not enough pellets for the pellet stove, henhouse dirty, gardens need weeding, siding needs staining. Back to work, no more time to feel, throw away hope for now. Should feel grateful just to have a good job, a roof over the head. I have to face that as an older, braniac, uppity, high energy, multiracial chick, I am undesirable to men who have many more options and that I may only appeal to chose that want to cheat or don’t want to function and are in search of a meal ticket. Disappointing but true. Time to cancel the on line dating accounts, hanging out at the coffeehouse hoping to meet someone not from here, and get some work done.
noquay,
“I have to face that as an older, braniac, uppity, high energy, multiracial chick, I am undesirable to men who have many more options and that I may only appeal to chose that want to cheat or don’t want to function and are in search of a meal ticket. Disappointing but true.”
LIES. think this is one of those fixed ideas we are being challenged to let go of
I am a braniac black female living in freaking asia, and i had given up, told myself that nobody would ever want me cos every goddamn man in this place asian or not loves asian women, cos asian women are the most desired by soe survey or something. even when i didnt live in asia , i always felt like nobody would like me cos of my race( lived in places where i was a minority) and if only i were a hot multiracial chick with the nice sort of curly hair i could have a shot. ALL LIES.
don’t give up on yourself, you dont live in the minds of everyone around you and who will enter your sphere to possibly make the conclusion you have, you just don’t.
happy return to school!
Kookie
Couldn’t agree more – intelligence and high energy are not things that make a person less attractive – the reverse. What you do with those qualities is what is important. If you are still chewed up with disappointment, regret and anger over an AC, or other issues, that is an ongoing problem for you in the here and now, and an obstacle to forming better relationships. Somehow, and I don’t know how, we have to reach some kind of peace within ourselves, and recognise that in the greater scheme of things they don’t matter a damn.
I agree Mymble, intelligence etc should be a positive thing and it is sooo weird that such things are a negative in this place. Yep, I do get angry when ACs, liars etc get what they want and lil Noquay, who is trying soooo hard to improve her looks, her outlook, her home, contribute meaningfully to build community, gets more creepazoids or nothing PLUS is encouraged by colleagues and friends to accept such as though I am worth so little in their eyes. WTF? It as though I am being punished for something I did not do, am not responsible for but yet am being wrongly judged. Ironically, these same colleagues etc bemoan our high employee turnover rates and shrinking student enrollment, both especially high among single women! I try to not be too disappointed, \understanding fully that a lot of this issue has to do with the damaged nature of this community and do my damndest to fix this. but yeah, all those non-holidays, those alone birthdays, those parties where you are the unwanted single dog, again and again, do wear on one, especially when you once had a really good marriage and know what it is supposed to be like, Nolying, no cheating, no dysfunction, no addictions, no hidden lives. It (the disappointment) wears away at you until you begin to hate and doubt yourself.
I think it’s time for you to run for political office. You have a vision, education, knowledge, a profession, everything to offer this community.
Ouch.
I know all too well those smeagol like feelings. Never really been a crowd pleaser. All you need is a small circle of really good friends who really do appreciate you, find you funny and interesting and you find them interesting too. That helps get through the horrible times of inexplicable and unfair hostility with equanimity and actually seems to reduce them. It can take a long time though, in a new place; it’s taken me years to get that here. (hated this town for the first 5 years, don’t even talk to me about the bitchy yummy mummies).
“… I can give myself a dope slap for being such a klutz and try harder.”
noquay, wtf?
Who would give anyone they love a slap for falling? You didn’t fall on purpose. A fall doesn’t make you a “klutz.”
I might have let your self-abuse, metaphorical as it is (though the mind doesn’t care if an image is a figure of speech or not), go except that I kept reading and there was “Another hard dope slap.”
Not cool, Noquay. Stop allowing your achievement orientation to be an excuse for self-cruelty. I mean it.
A Noquay with bruised ribs and collarbone deserves tenderness and care, ESPECIALLY in self-talk, in tandem with a get-back-on-the-horse attitude. As Pema Chodron says, truth without kindness is just mean.
This from your fellow brown chick in a pickup-truck agricultural town whose only pursuer in the past year was the MM creepazoid. It’s totally self-defeating to believe we’re undesirable to men with options. I don’t want to only appeal to men with no options, so I have to cultivate the belief that guys do exist who could have the homegrown beach-blonde yoga yummy-mummy but choose differently.
If I knew exactly what putting down tobacco was, I would put some down for you and your bike injuries.
Hi kookie
Great post! I seem to have a dual personality right now – the one that says I don’t have the strength, confidence, time, energy, blah blah to live the life I know is right for me and the other (REAL me) which says don’t be swayed by fixed ideas you have or have absorbed from others.This side is my dynamic, high energy, curious, (relatively) fearless, risk taking, fun-loving, creative, reaching out smart and sassy side I was two weeks ago when living 5000 kilometres away from my ex and who I recognize as myself.
Hard to keep that vision up on some days. Gotta keep THAT vision front and centre for me and not allow the endless self talk and processing to cloud up the window.
Natalie – like so many others I find your posts complete lifesavers. I cannot think of anyone who sums up so eloquently the reasons why women like me get trapped in a self perpetuating negative cycle of relationships with the same type of dangerous men, while other more emotionally stable women, with higher self regard, see the warning signs early on and walk away undamaged. Of course these are the women that the EUM always end up chasing, not the girls that end up ruining their lives to try and get any crumb of attention from these men.
Your post here is about dealing with disappointment by getting perspective – and why that can be so hard to achieve…. (basically cos it is easier to hang onto the beliefs that we have about ourselves, that we are no good, that we deserve pain and ill treatment – than to change our thinking) …because to do so is getting rid of something that has given our lives shape and “purpose” for so long – no matter that it has come at such enormous personal cost.
I am now 42 and haven’t completely given up on meeting a kind, decent man – but I know I still have a lot of work to do to figure out why I have made the mistakes I have and what needs to change if I am to avoid them in the future – fixating, ignoring all the evidence hat he is another nasty shagger, fantasy relationships with unavailable men rather than messy reality, living on cyber crumbs of texts and FB posts etc
Would it be possible for you to post more about how to deal with/ and to get over the particular kind of highly promiscuous, sexually predatory man that seems to be so good at targeting women like us. The type that never thinks he has done anything wrong. Mine is still causing me misery in myself, even though I knew so long ago what he was like. I remain addicted even though he bores, disgusts and even frightens me. He is one in a long line of men that have taken a piece of me with them when they leave.
I thought I had heard the last of him and guess what? – another late night text a couple of weeks ago.
I have to break this cycle and get over this if I am to have a happier future – but remain stuck in the bleak self prognosis I make of myself, of men and of life – despite massive evidence to suggest I am wrong.
I have quit smoking and drinking completely – I’m doing bikram yoga and taking life as it comes instead of setting impossibly high targets for myself on the premise that I am bound to fail and then the walls of Jericho will come crashing down again (such a satisfying sound isn’t it?) I have also blocked him on facey/ gmail and instagram. Another man like this will kill me – but I said that last time and the time before.
Hope you can help.
To go along with this subject there is an excellent TED talk by Brene Brown about living lives of disappointment rather than facing disappointment.You can find it on Utube, search for TED talks and then look for Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability
Punkylove5, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU sooooo much for the reference to this talk (I LOVE TED talks!). It was so beautiful and captured what I’ve been struggling with in the past year of disappointments with the ex and immense vulnerability in my relationship with him and my dealings with friends, my career, etc. At some point, I was very bitter, and my ex almost “won” by making me so bitter and making me vow never to take risks, never to say “I love you” first, never to show my feelings, etc., but now that I look back, I won that struggle too, because in the past few months, I have learned to acknowledge my vulnerability rather than numb it, and have worked to improve myself, while still being aware that I was not and could not be perfect. I’ve come to believe that I am enough as I am, and that I should’ve been enough for my ex, and the fact that I wasn’t doesn’t say anything about me, but rather, about him. I like myself just the way I am, and I only embrace those who view me in this way, as being enough, to be their friend, girlfriend, etc. Thank you for reminding me of this. This talk really put to words what I’ve struggled with and discovered in the past year.
Geez, you guys are making me sound like Norma Rae or something, lol! But it makes me feel soooooo good to hear all of your positive messages and well wishes. Funny, because I was expecting everyone (online and in real life) to be up in arms and tell me how nuts and stupid I am (the jury is still out on that…) to quit my job, but ironically, all I’ve gotten is positive feedback.
Even in Trader Joe’s today, the woman cashier politely asked, “And how was your work week?” and I blurted out, “Great! I just quit my job this week!” Ha! She looked up at me, this kind stranger, and said to me in all sincerity, “Good for you! I’m sure you’ll find something much better!” and gave me the most beautiful smile. I was blown away and so thankful. I want to go back with a bouquet of flowers for her! Such a simple, but profound gesture from a stranger can make such a difference.
So anyways, this message is a THANK YOU message to all of you lovely ladies who’ve been so gracious in commenting and sharing your stories of overcoming disappointments (in the form of jobs) and “fixed beliefs.” You’ve all been so warm and inspirational, and you’ve filled my cup to the brim.
*On a side note, I thought it was funny that, at 35 years old, I just got a “talking to” by my mom who told me, “You have only two weeks left at work, now you be nice.” Haha! She knows that the new management is tyrannical (I’ve been calling them the Fourth Reich), and….well….she knows how I’ve dealt with bullies since childhood so I can’t say I blame her for worrying. But I told her not to worry, and that I’ve learned to restrain myself.
(Barely.) 😉
And Tink…
Not to single anyone out, but your comment in particular was so strengthening to me, thank you. I’m going to print it out and keep it with me to read when I start to question myself.
Thanks, love. 🙂
Revs
Rev,
I’m glad. I feel deeply whatever I post. I admire you. Years ago I was forced to quit a job in the Emergency room. I loved the challenge and felt I was doing “big-time” nursing. But the stress made me so ill that I would have migraines and severe nausea on the way to work. One morning I called out sick. It was not enough to call, you had to give a reason. I said how I was feeling, telling the truth. The supervisor said to me,” That is not sufficient reason to call out”. I quit the job shortly after that but the experience has always been on my mind because it was dehumanizing. That’s why I’ve cheered you on. I think in these times, especially, people are looking for peace and contentment at the very least. It has been repeatedly documented that stress is a killer so if we have to go so far as to quit a job that makes us extremely unhappy, so be it. I’m sure you are highly employable and will get another one. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could take the whole winter off? Think about it. Love, Tink
I think whether you are in or out of the work force by choice or not, the contented people in life do not see their job, occupation, career as their identity.
If you think to yourself, “I am a nurse, teacher, professor of something, artist,
student, doctor, lawyer, Indian chief, fill in the blank” and that is who I am, you’re in for ego pain. Because your employment is not you. Colleagues have been very protective of their position and said to me MY job is blah, blah blah. I say, “It’s not YOUR job, it happens to be A job and you are in it now, and someone will follow you. You are just passing through it for now.”
People “retire”-too old, sick, burnt out fed up, no more growth etc. and get into a funk because their life and identity was their work. Some people never stop working because work is their identity. Hamster wheel until decrepitude.
I advise one to define their passion in life, that is your identity. For example, your passion may be running marathons and oh, yeah, you happen to be a professor. Or living a Christian life is your identity and you happen to work as a nurse or for a law firm. Or you may play guitar and take English classes, and work as a “shop girl”. You may love being a mother and just happen to write a world famous blog.
As long as you don’t define your identity and your worth by your employment or lack of you’ll be fine.
Hi S.P.
I like what you’ve said. I never actually thought of it that way. I’ve always been almost snobbishly proud of the fact that I was an excellent RN who also was a fine soprano singer. Of course, I rarely sang to my patients so that didn’t matter. The nurse was my source of pride. Even now that I’m retired my attitude is “once a nurse always a nurse”. I know at times I’ve put people off with that. Now, I enjoy my retirement but reflecting on your point, what do I call myself? Hmmm.
You call yourself “Tinkerbell”.
“Hi, I’m Tink. A little bit about me, I am proud of my education and career as a nurse, I was GOOD! I also enjoy singing, you should hear me hit the hi”A” in “The Messiah”. Had some hard times, good marriage for 25 years, that’s a good story with a sorrowful ending. Finding my way now, alone, unattached, retired, but bright eyed bushy tailed, ready, willing and able. I’m a giver, that’s me. The sum total of me up til now is actually Tinkerbelle. Yes, beauty at the tail end.
Awww, S,P. That’s lovely. You made me realize that my moniker is happy and hopeful. I was thinking that it sounded immature, like a child and diminutive not only in size (which I’m not) but in my brain. See? Putting myself down at the slightest opening. I thought since I’ve been through so much hell on so many different fronts that I should have a name denoting strong survivor and conqueror over all that would seek to destroy me. Well, I couldn’t decide on which strong woman’s name I wanted to use, so I dropped the idea. How I feel is more important than the name I use. Thanks again.
Kookie and Mags
Thanks, I needed that. It was a 100 mile running race, who knows how much damage I could inflict via bicycle. I did get back up on the horse and went 30 more miles before being cut for being too slow. Shoulder surgery is in my future. Damn. I am just in a place where I feel like giving up. 6+ years of as Mags said, nothing but creepazoids and one waay too good looking colleague who is a narc and a chronic cheater. Try and broaden ones net further away and its a lot more of the same. Serious hunting, fishing, rednecks with big bellieswho worship guns, the barely/non employed weed heads in search of mommies, at age 65 nonetheless. Great looking, articulate, intelligent, fit guys with a serious allergy to truth. A weird sort of friend very much like the situation described by Tinkerbell but with severe emotional trauma, but at least he is someone to talk to, hike with. Think I really do need to hunker down, get work done. Am writing from the aforementioned foofey resort town, at 3:30 am pretty race. This time I will go out hard on the climb, take it safe on the downhill, hopefully stay on my feet, good strategy for running as well as for life in general.
I feel RAGE right now. Right now I just want to punch something. As some of you know I was let go during my probation review in my last job. I was an events booker for a venue. This week two events that I booked have happened. I have checked Facebook today and those event notifications/photos are up. I am SO RAGEFUL. My hard work and direction went into those events and now I am not apart of it. I really, really, don’t know what to do with this anger but I am f*cking angry.
This post is so helpful in terms of redefining how I feel and react to disappointed but what do you do when your ANGRY TO THE POINT OF…..!!!!!!
Re Lisa
Lisa – just read your posts and I am 100% behind Simple Pleasures. Until you quit getting dangerously drunk like this, you are leaving yourself open to the possibility that you will let these bad men into your life time and time again. You will also continue to frighten off the good ones.
You say “I’m tired of “scaring” off seemingly good guys cause I reveal too much too soon” – well who doesnt after a bottle of red or two?
I speak from bitter experience. My last EUM was someone who I allowed to take advantage of me when I was terribly drunk. I think delayed shock and shame over what happened contributed greatly to my reaction. I was unable to let it go and spent long afterwards trying to get his approval – for him not to think I was just another European slut (he is a Turkish Kurd) but I never got it, and I was never going to get it. Instead he just started running around after the next blondie (an Estonian) then the next (a Spaniard) then the next(a Russian). That was when I got furious – with him, with me, with the cruelty and unfairness of the world. And let me tell you – this is a guy I probably wouldnt even have spoken to had I been sober at the time. My Turkish girlfriends literally laughed when I showed them his picture. But he has now been part of my life for over two years.
I drank mostly cos I was miserable about so many things in my life and wanted to blot my problems all out – but it never works, you only ever feel worse.
I would also routinely “drink to numb” and have alcoholic ex boyfriends. I suspect like me – you have had many of these “bathroom floor” moments when you know it is getting out of hand, but for so long I couldnt seem to get on top of it.
I’ve lived in a muslim country for a year now, where not drinking is no big deal, and I finally quit in April. It is so wonderful to have back my self control – and no more hangovers – and you will be amazed how easy it is once you decide to do it.
Until you stop getting pissed, you cannot begin to address the wider problems you have.
You are still young I think and have everything to play for.
Please give yourself a chance.
Lizzp your quotes resonated with me. The seasons and pain. Also the fact that a lot of the pain comes from needing to act but not quite having the courage….once the courage comes then it seems like a new sense of purpose, I act and much more energy is put into making that action a success or the best it can be rather than my spending energy on things that do not seem to be working in my best interests but its true wafts of nostalgia return & disappointment at what could have been. I really think one door opens when the last one shuts on you…..I’ve always believed that things were meant to be.
A very hard post for me. Disappointment is without a doubt my greatest and most bitter demon and I struggle with it every day. It’s much harder for me than dealing with hurt or anger or grief or being dumped. I was definitely disappointed by the poor treatment I received from the ex, but what’s far more difficult is that I still can’t get over the deeper disappointment of asking for a fish and getting a stone in return. I had so humbly asked and prayed and trusted that God would lead me to SOMETHING working out in my life after nearly 10 years of losing absolutely everything I ever cared about. Life has been very hard and I was scared, really scared of my life just coming apart and I told God I couldn’t take one more loss. I really needed a sign that life was worth living and some happiness was still possible for me. I needed it very much. I cried out to God in deep pain and fear that I needed some help and comfort. I asked for help in finding a loving partner and hoped and believed that some love would come into my life. And what happens – this guy shows up, and I think yes, this is God answering, this is Ask and you shall Receive, and now I was receiving. I was SO sure that, finally, after so many barren years in the desert, the door was now opening up to love and happiness. And then, Bang – the door slammed shut right just a few weeks later in a really humiliating way when I SO needed it to be open. It seemed more than this guy had betrayed my trust, it was that God could no longer be trusted. The message was: Back to the darkness for you, no love, no companionship for you. Like the universe dangled the carrot in front of me, and then cruelly snatched it back. Why? On my worst days the answer is: because this is how life is, ultimately a disappointment.
At first I was able to see the whole debacle as a learning experience, yes something positive that was GOOD for me in the long run because I learned a lot about myself and discovered that I was able to love again and was ready to love again – so surely, this was just a rehearsal for the real thing, right? So I dried my eyes, and put myself back out there, believing that I would find someone, I would love again and the door would open again. But now two years later… nothing. I live in a very small town with no dating options. I’ve tried on-line dating for a year and that hasn’t gone anywhere. Before the ex, 8 years of nothing after my divorce. Now after the ex, two more years of nothing. Except for the little blip of this pathetic, nothing, three-week relationship, I have spent 10 years utterly alone in the romance department and I see no end in sight. Ten years is a long time, make no mistake about it. I’m beginning to believe that I will not find love in this lifetime and that it’s been denied to me for some reason. The disappointment of this is almost too much to bear. As you can see, I’m just not bouncing back from this larger context of disappointment.
I know I put too many eggs in one basket and projected my expectations on the wrong person. I remember that when the guy was dumping me and telling me why (he said he had been juggling two budding relationships, me and another woman, and that he decided he wanted her) I sat there stunned remembering all the worthless things he’d said, plans we made, him telling me how real this was and how I could trust him, blah, blah and feeling my heart sink as I realized he was not who I thought he was. The relationship I had so longed for was not going to happen. You all know the drill. This was my first experience with an AC and I think I was deeply disappointed that such people existed and that I had now just had my heart broken by one. I didn’t yell or scream or get angry at the time, I was just stunned, and he said he was glad I wasn’t angry. “No” I said, “I’m not angry, I’m just really, really disappointed. I’m really disappointed in you.” And that was the truth, that was the main emotion, just deep disappointment.
I’ve come to understand what happened. He had separated from his wife in September and by November had found the “one,” the women he dumped me for and who he now lives with. Who does that? I mean what kind of man separates from his wife of 30 years, finds somebody else two months later AND has time to squeeze in other women to sample in between? And not just me, I know there were others. I was mortified, both at him and myself for getting mixed up with a still-married guy with such a cavalier attitude about relationships. Of course it was doomed from the beginning, I should have seen that. I’m sure he justified it as, I’m free now and I have a right to all this fun and pleasure since I was in a miserable marriage for so long. He was looking for a new partner, but his dating method was to sleep with women as a way of discovering which one he really liked. That was a huge disappointment too. He knew my feelings for him were honest and strong, and what sleeping with someone meant to me. What’s wrong with men like this? Why the hell didn’t he just wait for The One to come along instead of dallying sexually with women he didn’t really care about. Why didn’t he just leave me alone? Because he didn’t want to be alone and bored, he couldn’t endure it. Like most men, he couldn’t bear to be alone (and I think men are FAR more uncomfortable with aloneness than women, which is why they have no trouble being with, sleeping with, even living with women they really aren’t into, much to our frustration and sorrow).
I know the woman he’s living with now, in fact I know her rather well as we are all in the same profession and she and I are on several committees together. She’s really terrific, smart, fun, great personality and they are much more suited for each other than he and I were. I have no problems with her – she’s great, she has a lot to offer, and came with a lot of perks I couldn’t match. (He basically told me as much.) Plus she was far more determined to get him than I was and also to take care of him once she got him. She got him through his long and very volatile divorce, I hear through the grapevine that he’s happy, he’s found The One, he’s being faithful, so apparently his door opened and stayed open for him. I’ve learned to forgive and be glad for him – most of the time. I was resentful for a very long time that he was able to go from woman to woman without missing a beat and without any consequences. He avoided having to endure any loneliness and ended up with the brass ring all the same. Then again, who am I to know what he does and doesn’t “deserve.” If he’s blissfully happy, well, good for him. I don’t miss him anymore, and I know without a doubt that he was never the right guy for me. I’ve handled the resentment pretty well, and feelings of loss and envy and hurt and humiliation. But this pervading blanket of disappointment… yep, still with me all the time. I know it’s not about him per se; by itself this brief episode shouldn’t have had the power to throw me so much, but it was the last in a long line of disappointments. I’m in danger of having “disappointment as a lifestyle,” as Brene Brown says, and I need to get working on changing this or it’s going to get set in concrete.
I’m sorry this has been such a long and rambling post. And depressing too. I’m really depressed today which makes everything seem so much more hopeless. But I am so grateful there is this community where I can share this awful muck and know I will be understood.
Being Honest, I do feel the same! But what upset me most that all my plans and dreams even with hard work “didn’t pay dividends”!!! Sometimes I think it’s pure luck, just some people are very lucky and some not;( But yet again everything up to us if we want to change situation…I was in roller coaster relationships with two ACs and I rid of them eventually so it’s some kind of achievement! We must appreciate what we already have, it’s hard, very hard I know, but we have to try and stay positive no matter what! Can you move from your little town to a bigger city? Hugs xxx
Being honest,
I am sorry you got so mucked about by this guy; you sound like you have pinpointed exactly what the issues were, but that doesn’t always mean it’s any easier to get over the sadness and disappointment. I made a big, big mistake getting involved with a MM and although I understood intellectually that I had brought much of my unhappiness on myself I still missed him and felt I had lost my chance of happiness. I don’t feel like that any more; I don’t know what my future holds and whether I will ever have another relationship but that thought does not fill me with despair any more. I really do believe that I can be happy without one. My life is busy, and hard work, exhausting sometimes but fun too. I honestly feel it will not be a bitter disappointment to me if it doesn’t happen. I have other goals that are important to me and in some ways at 48 I feel I am in the prime of life. My husband and I are separated and he moves into his own place in 2 weeks but for the moment, and I hope it continues, we are on good terms and communicating well. I have to say anti depressants have helped me a lot. Wish I had discovered them years ago.
I hope you manage to get over these feelings of disappointment and enjoy your life for what it is. Our society lays way too much emphasis on sex and romance as a source – the only source – of happiness and success, but it’s a big lie. I think it’s only a small minority who are truly happy in their relationship, and often those who are, are people who would be happy in or out of a relationship.
Maybe you are somewhat bored with your life? Sometimes a bit of challenge and risk are necessary to fight of the ennui and existential angst.
All the best to you.
Thanks Little Star and Mymble. I do agree that too much emphasis is placed on romance and sex as sources of happiness. However, I’ve yet to meet anyone who would actually choose to be alone over the option of a loving and happy relationship if one was available. Human beings are made to love and be loved, and usually it’s in pairs, despite how problematic and messy that can be. It’s one thing to take a breather after a difficult relationship or breakup and find yourself again, and learn to enjoy your life and get comfortable with aloneness. That’s absolutely good and necessary. But no one wants to stay there indefinitely. Ten years alone is just too long. At least it is for me.
Although I’ve had tremendous losses and heartache in the last ten years, I’ve also had some wonderful times – I’ve traveled, my career has thrived, I’ve had a lot of freedom to do what I want and when I want it. I’ve had plenty of challenges and tried many new things, which have given me much enjoyment and satisfaction.
But still. I can’t speak for anyone else, all I can do is be honest about the fact that in the past ten years, the happiest days were with the ex. They just were. I know it has to do with the opiate effect of the love hormones and the excitement of it all and that crazy falling in love feeling more than him – and yet I had a sense of well-being and aliveness that I hadn’t felt in years. It’s hard to forget. Even though it was false on his end, it wasn’t on mine. I’m hard-wired to be a relationship person. No hobbies or satisfying work experience, or travel or meeting new people has been able to match that.
But you’re right, it’s foolish and useless to wallow in disappointment. I will rally again. I’ve made up my mind that I will be happy no matter what happens, and I know that’s true. Love is a bigger experience than just the romantic dimension, and that’s what I really want to cultivate, a greater capacity to love everything. Not so much obsess about being loved. I was just having a really bad day when the loneliness was overwhelming – better now. Appreciate all your kind thoughts!
This really hits my heart. I feel like my whole life romantic relationships have been disappointments. I have almost lost hope ill ever have a family or settle down. Today was a harder day for me. Me and my ex EUM bf broke up two months ago and he since has never tried stopping contact regardless of how much I have expressed to leave me alone. One time two weeks ago I gave in and spent the day with his family as a broken up couple (odd, his idea not mine) and a week later and still saw him giving me less than I had in our relationship to behind with. I was so miserable and felt so sad because it felt like I was beyond settling, that I have no resumed NC. Since then I’ve come to this sad disappointed place. I feel like any man that is even somewhat attractive is EU (and I mean physically to me, all my friends, etc). Does one have to give up attraction and be with someone they don’t even want to kiss to settle down and have a family? This is what I have really been struggling with. I have very loving parents so it isn’t my parents and my upbringing. I feel in this day and age dating has become very hard. Chivalry is rare. As soon as I try to stay positive I hear stories every day from so many people in my life (women) going through what I am going through. Nobody wants to share life with anyone and start a family. It’s become lonely out there. My parents have told me that they couldn’t imagine being my age compared to how dating was back then. What has this world come to?
Trying hard to not lose hope.
Hi FLGirl,
Coming from someone who has experienced similar pain with an ex and who tried to make a relationship work with someone I wasn’t crazy about in order to settle down and have a family, let me tell you: that won’t work. It will leave you feeling worse when that falls apart.
But, the overall pain does get better, as will your feelings of self-worth, if you work at it. Hang in there… I know its hard to hold onto hope. Try positive affirmations, they have helped me A LOT.
Why is it that so many of us talk like our lives have never gotten off the ground and won’t ever get out of the starting gate because we haven’t found “the one”?
Why do we also demonize these ACs as if their immaturity or non-commitment to us makes them the devil here on earth? They are Peter Pans. A line from a movie: “Men are born children and they stay children all their lives.”
If these ACs were as scummy as we declare we would never have fallen for them. We need to get over our disappointments and MOVE ON.
And MOVE ON means MOVE ON with your life. What is it you would like to accomplish in life? You don’t need a man to have children if that is your goal. You don’t have to be a mother to be around children, if that is your goal. Be creative about your life. I think you meet the right people when you let yourself come up with creative solutions to reach your goals in life. But FIRST, you’ve got to have goals.
So many people live their lives with no plan for themselves. Just drifting. Get a job, pay the bills, and….? I think that is why romantic drama is so enticing..it makes us feel like we are living life rather than drifting.
Being Honest, your AC was playing with your feelings. No one says “you were in competition but YOU lost” with your feelings in mind. He was looking for a strong reaction from you as an ego stroke. You did well, but a simple “OK..goodbye. It’s not worth it if it’s not mutual.” would’ve floored him. Gosh I wish peoples’ self esteem would recognize the game as it is being played. I remember the first time MMAC broke up with me. I think he was accustomed to hysteria. It was my first dealings with an AC too. I was silent for a few moments, I excused myself and cried quiet tears in my bathroom for a minute, dried my eyes, came back, kissed him on the cheek and said OK, goodbye. He stayed in my life with my foolish permission for another 18 months.
Don’t know what it is with ACs that they live to play with emotions.
Stop thinking he found perfection with the other chick. He will mess her around too. Probably with you if you let him. You know, I love to watch the forensic TV channel shows like “Happily Never After” just to remove the cobwebs from my eyes that marriage equals happiness.
Try to imagine your life surrounded by attractive men who seek your interest. Would you still be agonizing over AC?
One thing about love. The best love is the kind that grows slowly and steadily, with lots of deposits into each others’ love accounts. So many of us want the handsome face to be “the one” that loves us. We don’t look at how he treats us first. We look at how excited am I to be on his arm. That is almost always a recipe for disaster.
“Stop thinking he found perfection with the other chick. He will mess her around too. Probably with you if you let him.”
So true… I imagine my ex– with whom I had a LTR until he cheated on me and is now with the other woman– has found perfection with her, and will suddenly stop being an AC for her. And yet, he was calling me all the time until I blocked his phone number… and then emailing me until I blocked his email and FB… I guess that should have told me right off the bat that he hadn’t magically transformed for her.
Hi Natalie,
I find it incredible that as I read more and more of your blog articles, it’s as though you know my every thought, my every insecurity, and have put words to my pain in a way that I was never able to achieve on my own.
I’ve spent the last year and a half spiraling after a destructive 5 year relationship culminated in him cheating on me. I left him, and he immediately took to dating the other woman, who he is still dating now. At first, I was so angry that I didn’t even process my pain. But now, as time has worn on, their relationship has not failed yet (and the attempt I had at one in the interim DID fail), I have been so wrapped up in this devastating pattern of thoughts that feel even worse than the initial breakup, separation, and “why her not me” syndrome: I’m plagued by the “this isn’t fair and it shouldn’t have turned out this way” mentality.
I guess I didn’t really see it for what it was, though, until I read this article. You’re absolutely right that I am letting my disappointment consume me, and it’s disappointment over something that is definitely NOT fixed: my perception that HE won, that by cheating he found “the one” and found happiness, and that I have nothing, and will never have anything again, and that this is unfair. Slowly, by reading your blog articles, I am coming to realize how that is not only childish, but also not necessarily true unless I LET it be true, because I have my whole life ahead of me. It isn’t over yet. And his successes or failures (or what I perceive to be successes/failures from the limited outside view that I have) have no bearing on that.
Thank you, thank you, for helping me realize that my disappointment is just that: a feeling that is not absolute truth, and should not be allowed to define my life and my future. I cannot tell you how much you have helped.
I have been thinking about this post for days. Intellectually i have it all figured out – but my heart won’t follow.
I stopped having contact with my EUM 6 months ago. We had been seeing each other for a year and it never deepened or developed. He painstakingly kept it “easy”, never letting me in on a deeper level, and it went from promising to casual and downwards. (The funny thing is, in the beginning he wasn’t even my type, so it felt “safe” but, then i started to really like him…)
At some point i realized he was probably just still seeing me because it was convenient for him. He could lazily enjoy when he felt like it, but he had stopped putting in any effort. And i forced myself to see that most likely he didn’t even want to see me any more. In fact my spidey senses just shouted he was seeing someone else.
So i decided not to contact him any more, done. But of course i firmly believed (or hoped) he would contact me again, if only to keep the fun option open. And then – so the plan was – i would tell him I had enough.
Well, no. I never heard of him since then (at least not privately, we are colleagues, fortunately working in different locations). So my fears had turned out to be true – he really did not want to see me any more. And he probably did have a replacement lined up and just been avoiding to tell me. I know i should be glad i ended it. But i am so disappointed and hurt. It doesn’t even feel like i ended it, more like he disappeared. I feel discarded, the kind of person who doesn’t even deserve to be broken off with.
But no matter how often i turn it over in my head, i can’t find a reason im our last contact why I had done something “wrong” to prompt him to disappear. So i can not do anything to fix it. He just didn’t care about me. That’s why up til now i have kept to NC. Because i do not want to engage with someone who doesn’t treat me with care, trust, and respect. And i don’t want to be friends with someone like that either.
And still – i keep wanting to call him to tell him how much he hurt me / that he is a jerk and it’s not acceptable to treat me like that / trying to make friends / try to see him again – all depending on the time of the day. And it get’s worse when i hear his voice at work, then i just really miss him.
How stupid can i be to want or miss someone who doesn’t care about me? Why can’t i just let go?
You can’t let it go because it’s really hard and doesn’t happen overnight, or even in a month or two or six. I had to let go of someone this year that I had put (wrongly) on a pedestal for about 16 years. We finally got the chance to be together and shocker…he tried to reset button me back to a time when we didn’t have any commitment to each other for no reason other than the fact that he “didn’t like feeling obligated.” I was devastated. It has been about 4 months since I broke up with him and moved out. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t have some kind of emotion back up on my about it, but it’s getting better and I made the decision to be alone and work on myself instead of taking his route of jumping right into a relationship with someone else. It is the right decision and the one that will ultimately payoff, but the urge to contact him and tell him off is one I have to fight pretty much constantly! 🙂 He is in a constant state of craving women because his mother abandoned him and hating women because she abandoned him to an abusive step-mother. What I tell myself that keeps me moving forward and not backwards and back to trying to have him in my life is that he isn’t capable of dealing with his own emotional issues and is therefore impossible for me to know on any level without getting hurt.
I wish luck and peace with your decisions, they sound like healthy positive ones. It will get better and don’t be afraid to feel bad. Those feelings are the only ones that help you grow past your mistakes and find the courage to live a different life.
Andee,
“What I tell myself that keeps me moving forward and not backwards and back to trying to have him in my life is that he isn’t capable of dealing with his own emotional issues and is therefore impossible for me to know on any level without getting hurt”
I tell myself this very same thing. Doesn’t mean there isn’t some kind of love there, but we have to accept this truth. They’re just not capable. Sad but true…
This year has been a struggle to get over anger, rejection, pain etc after being betrayed and dumped by a man who I became obsessed with and cannot let go of. Because of the isolating nature of my work I have been unable to do NC for sustained periods,and have now had regular contact with him for the last few weeks. There was a mention of possibly meeting up which would be the worse thing I could do as it would be really only for sex. Last night I was dressed up and felt happy as I am currently in a city where I can have a social life. I took a selfie and sent it to some of my friends, including him. Everyone replied except him – I am angry at myself for being so stupid and exposing myself to disappointment, feelings of rejection etc yet again. I just keep on sticking my hand in the fire and it keeps getting more and more burnt. A few weeks ago I decided to leave my job at the end of the year so I can be with people who love me and are there for me – hopefully this will bring me to my senses and I will have the chance to recover,forget him and also forgive myself for being so continually dumb.
Meerkat
It doesn’t matter, you sent a pic that’s all. Forgive yourself NOW. Most people have done stuff they later regret and this on a scale of 1 to 10 is only a 1. I am too embarrassed to recount my own absurd and undignified behaviour but really why bother tormenting myself. I’m not perfect, no-one is.
Don’t meet up with him though. You know he hasn’t and won’t change. Focus on YOU, you are worth more and have got better things to do.