So I think it’s fairly safe to say that we are all pretty clear on the why’s and how’s of becoming a Drama Seeker with much of it tied into reacting to both internal and external fear, low self-esteem, and not being able to recognise a good, healthy, relationship, or negative, devaluing relationships. So for the remainder of the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series, it’s about breaking the pattern and feeling good.
One of the things that is significantly different in me now to before is that I am very aware of how I feel about everything – not just men, but to people who I come into contact with, how I react to stress, and how I generally feel about myself. Looking back, I think everything must have been very cluttered, cloudy, and fuzzy back then but as a result of shaking off baggage and negative feelings about myself, it left me with room to feel and to use my gut and common sense to judge my interactions.
The primary thing that I learned after all of my sh*t hit the fan and I had to pick myself back up was that good things don’t feel bad.
From the moment that I was feeling bad – negative, uneasy, wary, scared, distrusting, etc, I knew that it was time for me to sit down and have a calm, rational, self-discussion and evaluate the situation. Feeling bad in itself became it’s own early warning system.
So now, instead of feeling bad, and then giving into feeling bad, and creating drama through Drama Seeking, and then feeling even worse as a result of it, and then continuing the cycle, using Good Things Don’t Feel Bad as my basis meant that I had:
– a back away warning
– a get the f*ck out and abort the mission warning
– a signal to evaluate the situation and decide how to proceed
– a signal to watch that person closer to see if my initial feelings were well placed or misguided, and then take action.
One of the frightening things in the past was my belief that it was just being with these men in bad relationships was what was making me feel bad, but discovering that I wasn’t happy with or without them and that I still had my own voices of unreason to listen to, taught me that if I am the common denominator to the situation, I needed to work on me to bring about more positive relationships and a more positive self.
Challenge what you believe about yourself
I used to think that there must be something very unlovable about me if:
1) guys seemed to always want to change me from the woman they had met
2) guys made getting into my pants a focal point – OK so all guys must just want to shag me.
3) I couldn’t hold down a relationship
4) I struggled to hold onto my identity irrespective of what was happening in our relationship.
5) My attached guy wouldn’t leave his girlfriend.
The reality: Reality is something that a lot of us avoid so that we don’t have to look too closely at ourselves or examine our reasons for staying emotionally invested in such draining relationships and I was forced to get real, and if you are serious about being different and breaking a pattern, you have to get painfully real, which will mean being accountable (not full of blame) for your contribution. But most importantly, it’s an opportunity to turn a perception on its head.
For me, it came down to:
If I don’t love me and believe that there is something unlovable about me, how the hell do I expect to suddenly find love with a decent guy. Instead of thinking negatively about myself and taking responsibility for their actions, I realised that I am an entity outside of my relationships, and no assclown should be able to come along and effectively steal my wind!
So taking each of the above points:
1) When a guy was meeting me as ambitious, outgoing, and social, and trying to mute my ambitions, curb my enthusiasm, and slow down my social life, it meant that he was an assclown control freak trying to control me, not that there was something wrong with me. Instead of fighting a guy on every point of these things and being miserable, tell him to f off and ensure that you are around people that love and appreciate you for you.
2) Well…lots of guys want a shag and if a guy will hold it against you for not wanting to play ball with his balls, that doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with me or you. Guys that are genuinely interested in you aren’t trying to find out the colour of your knickers from the get go. Instead of feeling anxious and negative about their behaviour, I I felt positive, desired, but in control, and told them to beat it.
3) I couldn’t hold down a relationship because I was choosing men that are impossible to hold down relationships with. It’s like trying to extract commitment out of the least likely source or in effect, drilling for oil in my back garden – hard work, no reward, plenty of back pain, sweat, and tears. If you want to feel good, you won’t continue to indulge in knowing behaviour that is counterproductive to that, hence you learn to tune out these men that offer…nothing.
4) Honestly, it was like a hop, skip, and a jump before I was selling myself down the river. They became the bulk of where my energies were focused and I was a morpher – toning down me to fit in, being an overpleaser in the hope that one day it would be just enough and then pouff, all the agony would be forgotten and it would be happily ever after. So may readers have recently said to me that they feel like NON ENTITIES! Like they don’t EXIST! This is because we build our lives and happiness on one frickin’ assclown! I stopped giving like my life depended on it and I realised that being a crowd pleaser and morpher was soul destroying. If you don’t know who you are, how do you expect to be happy?
5) This was where it was pivotal to get real: The attached guy wouldn’t leave his girlfriend, not because there was something wrong with me or not good enough, but because he had never intended to leave her in the first place, he liked having his cake, eating, sitting, and stamping on it too, and he found it easier to be a liar, a coward, and a cheat than he did to be honest, even if it meant living an honest life with just one woman. I knew what the deal was when I got into the relationship with him – Instead of creating drama and trying to galvanise him into being something he could never be, we need to learn to back away and stop making drama for dramas sake in the hope that they’ll turn into The Ideal Man!
Whatever bad stuff you’ve been thinking, list them out and tackle each point one by one. Turn it on its head. Be accountable but be real. If you can’t find good things to say and feel about yourself, how do you expect others to?
More to follow on this over the weekend!
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Catch up on posts in the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series.
If you are a Drama Seeker, you should be reading my ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and buy and download.