One of the things that is significantly different in me now to before is that I am very aware of how I feel about everything – not just men, but to people who I come into contact with, how I react to stress, and how I generally feel about myself. Looking back, I think everything must have been very cluttered, cloudy, and fuzzy back then but as a result of shaking off baggage and negative feelings about myself, it left me with room to feel and to use my gut and common sense to judge my interactions.
The primary thing that I learned after all of my sh*t hit the fan and I had to pick myself back up was that good things don’t feel bad.
From the moment that I was feeling bad – negative, uneasy, wary, scared, distrusting, etc, I knew that it was time for me to sit down and have a calm, rational, self-discussion and evaluate the situation. Feeling bad in itself became it’s own early warning system.
So now, instead of feeling bad, and then giving into feeling bad, and creating drama through Drama Seeking, and then feeling even worse as a result of it, and then continuing the cycle, using Good Things Don’t Feel Bad as my basis meant that I had:
– a back away warning
– a get the f*ck out and abort the mission warning
– a signal to evaluate the situation and decide how to proceed
– a signal to watch that person closer to see if my initial feelings were well placed or misguided, and then take action.
One of the frightening things in the past was my belief that it was just being with these men in bad relationships was what was making me feel bad, but discovering that I wasn’t happy with or without them and that I still had my own voices of unreason to listen to, taught me that if I am the common denominator to the situation, I needed to work on me to bring about more positive relationships and a more positive self.
Challenge what you believe about yourself
I used to think that there must be something very unlovable about me if:
1) guys seemed to always want to change me from the woman they had met
2) guys made getting into my pants a focal point – OK so all guys must just want to shag me.
3) I couldn’t hold down a relationship
4) I struggled to hold onto my identity irrespective of what was happening in our relationship.
5) My attached guy wouldn’t leave his girlfriend.
The reality: Reality is something that a lot of us avoid so that we don’t have to look too closely at ourselves or examine our reasons for staying emotionally invested in such draining relationships and I was forced to get real, and if you are serious about being different and breaking a pattern, you have to get painfully real, which will mean being accountable (not full of blame) for your contribution. But most importantly, it’s an opportunity to turn a perception on its head.
For me, it came down to:
If I don’t love me and believe that there is something unlovable about me, how the hell do I expect to suddenly find love with a decent guy. Instead of thinking negatively about myself and taking responsibility for their actions, I realised that I am an entity outside of my relationships, and no assclown should be able to come along and effectively steal my wind!
So taking each of the above points:
1) When a guy was meeting me as ambitious, outgoing, and social, and trying to mute my ambitions, curb my enthusiasm, and slow down my social life, it meant that he was an assclown control freak trying to control me, not that there was something wrong with me. Instead of fighting a guy on every point of these things and being miserable, tell him to f off and ensure that you are around people that love and appreciate you for you.
2) Well…lots of guys want a shag and if a guy will hold it against you for not wanting to play ball with his balls, that doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with me or you. Guys that are genuinely interested in you aren’t trying to find out the colour of your knickers from the get go. Instead of feeling anxious and negative about their behaviour, I I felt positive, desired, but in control, and told them to beat it.
3) I couldn’t hold down a relationship because I was choosing men that are impossible to hold down relationships with. It’s like trying to extract commitment out of the least likely source or in effect, drilling for oil in my back garden – hard work, no reward, plenty of back pain, sweat, and tears. If you want to feel good, you won’t continue to indulge in knowing behaviour that is counterproductive to that, hence you learn to tune out these men that offer…nothing.
4) Honestly, it was like a hop, skip, and a jump before I was selling myself down the river. They became the bulk of where my energies were focused and I was a morpher – toning down me to fit in, being an overpleaser in the hope that one day it would be just enough and then pouff, all the agony would be forgotten and it would be happily ever after. So may readers have recently said to me that they feel like NON ENTITIES! Like they don’t EXIST! This is because we build our lives and happiness on one frickin’ assclown! I stopped giving like my life depended on it and I realised that being a crowd pleaser and morpher was soul destroying. If you don’t know who you are, how do you expect to be happy?
5) This was where it was pivotal to get real: The attached guy wouldn’t leave his girlfriend, not because there was something wrong with me or not good enough, but because he had never intended to leave her in the first place, he liked having his cake, eating, sitting, and stamping on it too, and he found it easier to be a liar, a coward, and a cheat than he did to be honest, even if it meant living an honest life with just one woman. I knew what the deal was when I got into the relationship with him – Instead of creating drama and trying to galvanise him into being something he could never be, we need to learn to back away and stop making drama for dramas sake in the hope that they’ll turn into The Ideal Man!
Whatever bad stuff you’ve been thinking, list them out and tackle each point one by one. Turn it on its head. Be accountable but be real. If you can’t find good things to say and feel about yourself, how do you expect others to?
More to follow on this over the weekend!
Your thoughts?
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Catch up on posts in the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series.
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Yes! Completely right on. I was talking to my shrink yesterday about a situation with a “friend” of mine, and about how I wasn’t getting anything out of the friendship and was basically feeling used by her, and she asked me what messages were going through my head about that, and I said “I feel like I don’t matter. I feel invisible.” Through tears, I came to the epithany that because I got the message somewhere along my road of life that I didn’t matter and I was invisible, so why should I expect that anyone in my life should treat me like a lovable, wonderful human being? So, I chose to be around people that would validate my “unlove” for myself. This is such a big revelation for me, and I’m in the process of weeding out relationships in my life that are not unhealthy for me (including my EUM!). Again, this website has been my saving grace through all of this, and I so appreciate everyone’s input, honesty, and support. We rock!
I love this blog. It has taught me so much about what setting boundries, which was really difficult for me before. I had a mother who would constantly tell me she felt sorry for whoever ended up with me ( my sister for that matter too). Well, go figure I have been married twice by the time I was 35 and I realised I didn’t love any of them because I didn’t love myself, and I didn’t know what I wanted. Well after a workaholic and an alcoholic, I am finally figuring out me…and it has been great so far, but hard, so face some realities. The blog has actually helped me be accountable for my actions and also tell people NO, which had been extremely hard before!! Unfortunately some people think don’t like me as well because I am not a yes person, but I like myself and my life better and I also make better choices.. Go Al!!
I had to get that out, I apologise for all the typos!!
Absolutely amazing, NML – brilliant! You are spot on, and this really is about more than EUMs – family, friends, co-workers. This is an absolute *gem* of an entry.
Now, you may not be into country (most folks aren’t), but this song sums up what we’re looking for, so take it away Martina McBride:
Don’t need no copy of Vogue magazine
Don’t need to dress like no beauty queen
High heels or sneakers he don’t give a damn
My baby loves me just the way that I am
My baby loves me just the way that I am
He never tells me I’m not good enough
Just give me unconditional love
He loves me tender and he loves me mad
He loves me silly and he loves me sad
(CHORUS)
He thinks I’m pretty, he thinks I’m smart
He likes my nerve and he loves my heart
He’s always sayin’ he’s my biggest fan
My baby loves me just the way that I am
My baby loves me just the way that I am
And when there’s dark clouds in my eyes
He just sits back and lets ’em roll on by
I come in like a lion and go out like a lamb
My baby loves me just the way that I am
My baby loves me just the way that I am
(CHORUS)
He thinks I’m pretty, he thinks I’m smart
He likes my nerve and he loves my heart
Don’t see no reason to change my plan
My baby loves me just the way that I am
My baby loves me just the way that I am
Yes, ladies, that’s right: he has to love your nerve – strength, ambition, outspokenness – as well as your heart.
Iz xx
Thank you NML and everyone. This website has given me a ton of insight and a lot of strength. I finally ended it with my EUM for good 2 months ago. We had been together (I thought exclusively) for a year. The second year I had been in a boomerang relationship with him up until 2 months ago. We had shared some great times together and when we were together it was terrific. We went on several vacations together and got along superbly. I fell in love with him, but he didn’t return the feelings. We only saw each once or twice a week on a regular basis for the first year. He put up a wall and wouldn’t let the relationship progress. I kept in there because I thought he had potential and he told me he wanted to take things slow. Please!!! Well, he emailed last week and it was a lame email just wanting to see how I am. I didn’t respond, but I’ve been obsessed with him for the past week. I guess there’s a part of me still wishing that he will show up on my doorstep declaring his love for me. He was a typical EUM…never told me he loved me, never met my family. I also found him on dating websites. He always had some excuse and I wanted to believe him. It was all about him, what he wanted to do, when he wanted to see me. I could even count on him calling everyday. I turned myself inside out trying to make it work…and I started therapy because of how I realized my self esteem was so low to put up with a guy who wouldn’t give me what I want and needed. I ended up going back with him about 4 or 5 more times, ending it quicker and quicker each time when I realized he still wouldn’t give me what I needed and it was all about stroking his ego and what he could get from me. He would mostly communicate by email. It was a big deal if he called even though he knew that was what I wanted. It is so pathetic as I am writing this, that I would put up with so little. He knew how I hated email communication as the main way of him contacting me. He would tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, how great I was, yada, yada, but would let me break up with him and lose me. Then he would just about have to sneeze and I would go running back. Well this time I didn’t respond to him and I’m having a very hard time…there’s a part of me that wants to so badly respond and be with him…even though I know logically that he is poisin for me. I know I have to focus on me, but instead I’m thinking about him, what he’s doing and what his next move will be. It has been a struggle ever since I met him. I gave away my power to him and he still holds some of it. I know I have to celebrate my victory too…for not talking or corresponding for 2 months and not answering his last email. ANY ADVICE FOR GETTING HIM OUT OF MY HEAD???????
Getting Stronger,
You should block his email, cell number, and anything else that might let you waste your time on him. Don’t do it to yourself, PLEASE!!!
Crap! I so should have read this before I went out last night and ran into The Math Teacher. Then maybe that whole “get the f*ck out and abort the mission warning” would have been at the front of my brain instead of the “drink more beer” message I was getting. Would have been a much better outcome that left me feeling good about myself rather than miserable about him. Oh, and this hangover I’m nursing? Ugh. Goes without saying, today would have been a much brighter day! Never, I repeat, never mix drama and alcohol. I so need to stamp that shit on my forehead!
Oh ya. Drama drinks too. Heavily. Typical alcoholic behaviour it has, one drink and it is drunk.
I should know. Many a time my friends have threatened to break my texting fingers and/or hide my phone. And many a time, I have gotten way way WAY too upset and worked up due to having a pint or two when normally I would be completely rational.
Yup, never a good mix. Ever. Like Never.
lol
🙂
Dear Getting Stronger
I am exactly where you are now. I want to so bad go running back to him and he has not even sneezed. Its will be 2 months for me too, I keep going like this and I hope it helps :
1. Keep reading this website even if it for the 100 th time to get strong. If the other ladies could do, NML included so can we
2. Is this what you envisioned for YOU. Is this your life script. I tell myself that I am freeeeee, free to pursue someone who will try, I said TRY to do right by me. Here is that chance for you to rewrite that script, you gonna pass on it.
3.You don’t need to be anything other than you are for a man to love you and want you, YOU should be enough. Trying to be something you are not, keeping mum when you wanna scream, tip toeing around egg shells well I did them all and in the end it was still never enough.
No one makes him happy or you happy. We owe it to ourselves.
I used to be a weepy, whiney gal but I am wiser now thanks to all of them here and NML and trust me, feeling stronger makes me so much happier and sexier than being just not good enough. Walk away and don’t look back.
Thanks guys.
Getting stronger, I totally agree with everyone here, as hard as it is, WALK AWAY. All of the “EUM” red flags are flying with his guy, and he WILL NEVER be able to give you what you deserve in a relationship. Start applying the “No Contact” rule immediately on this EUM! Think of the women who have posted on this website who have been going through sh**with these EUMs for years and years! Those are years they will never get back, and although they are learning lessons along the way, hopefully, those are still years they will never get back–years that they could have been with someone who truly loves them and provides the emotional stability of a healthy, loving relationship. You deserve so much more–we all do!
Delician, Sindh and FinallyOverIt,
Thanks so much for your encouragement and words of wisdom. You are so right…time we waste with these guys is time we will never get back. This is not my life script. I don’t want to be caught up in his web ever again. I am feeling better each day, and I will block him from emailing me. Even if I’m not with him, I don’t need to waste time having thoughts of him in my head. We do deserve healthy, loving relationships! GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU!
Dear Getting Stronger
I know how hard it is, trust me but it will and does pass. I used to sit at home, ball my eyes out, keep calling and texting him – which he ignored of course. One minute I was crying becuase he left and the next I was crying because I was with him and downright miserable.
I am not sure which was worse. There are many people out there dating and meeting good men, it happens, I have seen it happen and it will happen if we gave it a chance and believed in ourselves a little more. Its not time wasted, its lessons learned which is gonna prod you on to better situations but you gotta hang in there.
Joina gym, travel, read, get a new haircut, massage…. start allowing yourself to feel good.
God Bless.
I just found this post and loved it… especially the last part… #5. I constantly beat myself up thinking that there is something wrong with me and that is why my xEUM didnt want to be with me or leave the mother of his kids. I keep asking myself why, why WHY WHY! And it only takes little reminders like this to put me back on track. He never intended on leaving her, he never intended on being honest with me and it was easier for him to be a coward and have his cake and eat it too than being a REAL MAN and doing the right thing. And you’re right NML, instead of creating DRAMA and trying to make him into the man I WANTED him to be……. I should have backed away!!! I need to stop giving him soo much credit, giving him the benefit of the doubt…feeling sorry for him blah blah blah!!! I guess my question is……..why do we do this to ourselves?? Why instead of thinking this way……did I choose instead to think there is something about me that wasnt good enough? How do I put and end to this?