Today on day 24 of the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series, Brad K offers up an empowering and highly insightful perspective of having friends and not allowing disrespect…..
When you find yourself in the midst of disaster, when you are hurt by those you trusted, do you keep the drama in, and avoid letting anyone see your plight? Or do you have friends, a trusted companion outside the betrayals in your life? Then as the drama unfolds for the world to see, maybe someone will cry ‘Uncle!’ for you, and bring help.
When you met him, you didn’t understand about respect.
You didn’t notice whether he was wooing you with pretty words and attention that meant respect or a mere recipe to get to into your knickers. And you may not have appreciated what you might not have learned – that disrespect always gets worse, until someone gets hurt.
Even now, you might not recognize that one of the underlying disconnects that isolates you from love and affection is living with someone that doesn’t respect you (or probably themselves or others). Call him emotionally unavailable – he certainly doesn’t care about what you have to offer; only what he can take.
The disrespect of that old life destroys trust, destroys security. Disrespect bleeds over into everything else. Jokes that aren’t that funny, pranks, ignoring people are all acts of disrespect. Making fun of appearance, of skills, of wants and needs – these are disrespect at it’s most horrible. Hitting and cursing are almost comforting forms of bullying (disrespect) since you can recognize what the act is quite easily. Blonde jokes? Clinton jokes? Ethnic jokes? Admiring comments about other women? The disregard for your feelings and your trust and your love is disrespect, and it will get worse. Some of these can be pure ignorance. If you stand your ground, confront each occurrence,’That hurts’ or’That isn’t funny to me’ should be enough for a guy to learn from. If he is untrainable ‘“ that is disrespect. He doesn’t feel you have enough status in his life that he needs to worry about your feelings, your values. ‘˜Taking for granted’ is disrespect. It will get worse until it gets corrected.
You look at the remnants of what used to look attractive, and you think,’If only I could ..’ Maybe the right clothes, or the right words, or sometime the moment will be right, and you could recapture the feelings of being wanted, you could again share delights and make him happy. And you try. But you continue to ignore what is apparent to others.
He doesn’t know what a partner is, he doesn’t want a mate in a rational and adult sense. He will never treat you as an adult, or as someone he respects.
Yet you are afraid to leave. You would be alone. If he doesn’t want you, after all you have tried to do, then how could anyone else? You have learned to (barely) tolerate a horrible situation ‘“ a home of disrespect. You have learned how to avoid problems in this poisoned atmosphere, and only know how to watch and respond to this one guy. Regular, respectful and responsible people, men and women, are foreigners, aliens that have no idea how your life is lived.
Even worse, he has convinced you that he knows right from wrong, and that you don’t. And you have come to believe in what he says. After all, if he says it often enough it must be true. Right? Wrong. It isn’t true when Congress repeats lies, and it isn’t true when he lies with disrespect.
Suppose you choose to leave, or are forced to separate. You are to be a stranger in a strange land. No one acts they way he did – you have no idea how to avoid upsetting them, or getting their attention in a helpful way, or even how to make yourself useful to them. The truths and meanings of how you have been living don’t mean the same thing to anyone else. You still feel isolated – it might be easier to return to the world you had built with him amidst all the disrespect.
A tarot card deck includes two important cards that signal change. One is the Lightning Struck Tower, the other the Death card. Neither are about dying. The first signals traumatic or significant change. The Death card signals an ending, the passing of a way of life or significant endeavor to make way for the new. Part of the secret of why the No Contact Rule helps people is subtle. When it works, it is because you have to face leaving the old life behind. And it tries to give advice and hints about the important things to accomplish to build a comfortable and secure life.
The break from the past is scary. Many of us date to enjoy rubbing against someone else, or to enjoy company in social activities. And we fall into a continuing relationship, and find that sometimes we wander away from each others, sometimes we wander into a longer-term relationship. But we haven’t actually chosen to do anything significant. We just let it happen. So now, in pain and confusion, we are inexperienced in building a new life.
So I would add to the No Contact Rule. Practice recognizing and confronting disrespect, in your life in on those around you. Choose to avoid people that display disrespect. And meet people of good character. Whether learning to use a computer, or to live without an EUM, you can save years of frustration and pain by knowing, and communicating with, good people.
I read one recommendation for recovering from a breakup. I find his point of view offensive, his ethics are badly skewed. He does point out one interesting technique “ isolate yourself completely for three days.” Provide an emotional watershed. He wanted to cry it out, get all the tears shed, and move on. Others want you to review your relationship, to create a barrier of awareness of the harm of the way things were. Another approach is anger. Stir up your fears into a froth of rage to create a barrier to hold you back, if you doubt your choice to move on. These are several ways to go, but an important point. You have to stop living as you were ‘“ a little death ‘“ and create a permanent barrier behind you. For some with impeccable self-knowledge, belief in the good in life, and secure in their lives, making a firm decision is all that is required. But then, they haven’t lived in a world of disrespect, and cannot understand the difference.
Your thoughts?
Check out Brad K’s blog – It’s About Making Babies!
Do you have a post or tip to submit for the series? Get in touch! Read other posts from the series.
If you’re a habitual dater of emotionally unavailable men, don’t forget that Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy and download.
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Gearing yourself up to make that dramatic and final a move is tough for all the reasons you say. What to choose as the breaking point? What’s the final straw? It’s like anything other process that is gradual but has a negative outcome. When have I gained enough weight that I will start working out regularly? That’s the tough part, I think. Great post.
“He doesn’t feel you have enough status in his life that he needs to worry about your feelings, your values.” OUCH!
Why come on so strong then? Are they that insecure they need to fill you with lies so you will take the “bait”? That makes me ill.
Sorry – not “ouch” – “h*ll with you” is what I meant to say! Still trying to break that “victim” mentality!
Kim, ‘Sorry – not “ouch†– “h*ll with you†is what I meant to say! Still trying to break that “victim†mentality!’ – I don’t get it.
Noting that that aspect of arrogance is painful seems .. pretty secure. The bitter and aggressive response you seem to think is ‘required’ instead seems to be needy. Almost like you need to be seen holding the schmuck in contempt to earn someone’s approval.
A simple, clear expression of emotion, of feelings, should surely be sufficient. I mean, you did recognize the lurid description of his detachment, and understood the pain that his disregard caused. And you weren’t afraid to express your response. That doesn’t sound at all like a ‘victim’.
Blessings on your day!
“For some with impeccable self-knowledge, belief in the good in life, and secure in their lives, making a firm decision is all that is required. But then, they haven’t lived in a world of disrespect, and cannot understand the difference.”
No they have not NML. When you are with someone who claims that they love you but is constantly belittling you, calling you names, telling you what a needy, insecure drama queen you are when all you do is ask to be loved in return. I have had him hang up the phone and give me the silent treatment where I would not hear from him in weeks, received threatening emails, blackmailed me but I have always stood up to him but Whatever he did, it was ALWAYS MY FAULT IT HAPPENED and I always had to apologize for HIS mistakes.
Ladies the longer you hang in with these guys the more disrespect you are gonna take. Take it from someone who has been there for 20 months.
Brad – this is a very good post. I agree with pretty much everything you are saying. I’m feeling as if I have FINALLY broken free from the feelings I had for my ex. Up until a few days ago, I would still consider them warm. We spent a night together a few weeks ago which carried over to some contact and flirting.
I wasn’t falling for it like in the past. Neither of us were asking for the other back. But, I had an “aha!” moment yesterday which crystalized for me that his reaching out was all about him getting an ego stroke and not about his caring or respecting me or wanting me back. Or wanting to change for that matter.
What happened was that I was speaking to him on the phone about a work issue (he initiated the call) and we were joking about something. It was a “light and breezy” conversation. Then I mentioned something about a friend of mine. He made a comment about her that was derogatory. It was the second time that day that he said the same thing. His comment was about her weight. Which is the pot calling the kettle black considering his gigantic pot belly. In any event, I flipped the conversation back to him and pointed out he wasn’t the most svelte being in the world either. He ended the conversation so quickly – he essentially said “I gotta go” and hung up on me. I IM’d him and said “Come on – I was just kidding around” and he merely said “I was fine with it”. I then asked him something unrelated and he ignored me.
In any event – for some reason, that interchange finally allowed me to see our situation for what it is. He and I are not respecting one another and it’s just time to move on with our lives – separately. There is no future for us.
In the past during out troubled “relationship” I would point out that his actions were disrespectful. He would not apologize, he would just say he “didn’t mean to be disrespectful”. He never changed.
And you are right – I was not significant enough in his life for him to be respectful to me.
That used to crush me. I thought I could do something to change how he felt about me. (Which never worked, except for a few physically charged hook-ups.) Now – I merely think it’s his loss. And – I actually hope he finds someone someday that he can act respectful towards and with whom he can have a healthy relationship (mind you I won’t want to know about it). Honestly, I am not sure if he’s capable of that right now or even desires to be a better person.
Anyway – it took him disrespecting my friend for me to see what a self centered, un-giving neanderthal he is. Low self esteem and infatuation probably factored into why I didn’t see him for what he was when he was disrespectful to me.
But now that I have more perspective, it’s very clear. He’s out. Which clears the way for a lot more positive interaction with respectful people and friends.
Thanks!
Sindh, hanging up the phone on you and he gave you the silent treatment for weeks – what better way of manipulating you? Hmm, I don’t get my way so I am pouting for a while. Now, after that happened, who made the contact, you or him??
Of course it was your “fault”, I could have told you that! 🙂 Doesn’t that get you mad?
Apologizing for his mistakes kept you hooked somewhat.
I soooo agree with you, the longer you hang in , the worse it gets!!!
Kim, why come on so strong? How else he is going to reel you in?? Or me, or all of us 🙂
Insecure? Yes, isn’t it our “job” to make “them ” (I hate to call them men, because I feel that a man doesn’t act this way) feel better??
Happened to me and the answer is plain and simple: yes. I took the bait a few times 🙁
But what is most important for you is, get rid of him – victim or not – doesn’t matter, don’t look back – look forward.
Astelle
I did, I set the tune to this macabre dance and he knew I would simply because I always have. It got really, really bad which brings me to NML’s point :
“That disrespect always gets worse, until someone gets hurt.”
Yeah that was me, he had none for nor for any women. I should have taken to my heels when I heard him make nasty mean remarks about women, what did I do instead
Kiss this frog and hope he’d change into a prince ?
Ooops sorry, I meant you Brad. Thanks for the post. I sure relate to it.
Astelle – thx for the help. We are not together but if you mean “get rid of him” by not dewlling on the past I agree with you. I am doing much better thx to this site. It has helped the healing immensely just by reading other people’s comments & doing just what you did by helping to answer my questions since you have been there.
Brad – thx for the comment. I’m just trying to break the “poor” me mentality. Yes what he did hurt & it is ok to acknowledge that but I also want to acknowledge that I am learning I didn’t deserve it. I guess I don’t need for everyone else to know that so you are right in that respect. I guess typing it helps me believe it. I appreciate the support!
I believe that we teach people how to treat us. And I believe that there is a correlation between “disrespect” and “devaluing”. If we have self-esteem, self-love issues within us, we gravitate toward others that will fulfill this opinion of ourselves. Which also plays into who we choose to love. These men that have no respect for us, or our friends, are basically treating us the way we are teaching them to–not consciously, but on some deeper level. We shouldn’t condone this behavior, but we cannot forget to also look at what part we are playing in it, also. I am trying really hard lately to focus on ME and how I can change these negative patterns in my life, and begin to form healthy, reciprocal, loving (and respectful!) relationships.
FinallyOverIt, I agree that we teach men how to treat us by condoning bad behavior. The thing is, they do it so gradually. In the beginning they on on their best behavior so that we fall in love. Then when they start acting up we forgive it because we are already hooked. I know that is how it happened with my last boyfriend. He was a prince in the beginning but gradually he began to take advantage of me. My self esteem gradually was lowered too. I didn’t even notice it happening.
Karen – I TOTALLY agree with that. I believe that is why NML says these guys are so dangerous. Unless you see those red flags & know what they mean you are already ‘hooked” & that makes it much harder to leave. It really is misleading. I was hook line & sinker before I realized what I was dealing with. He said things to me no other man had. He was a prince then slowly started showing his true colors.
It really makes you wonder – are they consciously putting on an act in the beginning or is that who they really are, but they lose interest and don’t put forth the effort anymore. Or do they just try to see how much they can get away with and how much you will put up with?
I think in the “dating game”, both parties put their best foot forward to try to get the other to fall in love with them. It’s kind of like the “law of nature” in the love game. Then, when they know they “have” you and that you are all crazy in love with them, then they don’t have to really try anymore because they know they have thrown their fishing line in the water and have caught you, and that’s when their true self emerges. And if you’re lucky, that true self is even better than the person they were when they are trying to “get” you. But, as we all know, sometimes that isn’t the case. But if you think about it, there are A LOT of happy couples in the world, so there HAS to be good men out there who don’t play these games, right? (I sure hope so, or I am going to be really depressed!)
We teach them how to treat us, it is learned. It is an act they put on in the start. Come on guys people do not go from being nice to mean in a matter of months. I was nice when I met him, nice when I was him and not morped into a bunny boiling physco after he lied, cheated and deceived me because that is who we are, we are nice people but like NML said. People have a tendency to to take advantage of those who do not know how to give.
Calls, emails, texts, gifts, visits every month and then wham it stops and when I ask why he says he’s busy. In the end all I had to go on was a call every night. This was long distant so here I was still doing and handling everything alone with no moral, emotional, physical support but I was supposed to be ready and available once he got into town.
That is why it is so important to hammer in the boundaries right in from the start and that is exactly what I plan to do. It is going to be about
US, not just HIM or just ME . . . US
Take it or freekin leave it.
I think it’s imperative that in a break up or not, we surround ourselves with morally healthy, spirittually connected (not necessarily religious) people. I have a few really good-hearted, sincere people in my life that give off a certain energy of positivity and comfort. In hard times, these are the individuals that remind me that this is what I should strive for and also look for in a partner. They inspire me to better myself, not stoop down to levels of desperation and fear, which is what our EUM’s inevitably do to us.
Hi webmaster!
“For some with impeccable self-knowledge, belief in the good in life, and secure in their lives, making a firm decision is all that is required. But then, they haven’t lived in a world of disrespect, and cannot understand the difference.â€
Hi Brad,
I just wanted to say..I read the messages pretty much every night because I am trying to strengthen myself in all the ways you say here.
I did want to say something about this paragraph.
I have been fortunate to have two good relationships in my life. THEN I got married (I was brought up to believe marriage was forever and you fought for it (thank god thats changed!! 🙂 to a nightmare… bit by bit he wore me down.
Thing is there was always this tiny tiny voice in the back of my mind saying, ‘no he’s wrong, it’s not like that’.
It took me along time and a lot of disrespect and abuse to realize this voice was a reminder of love, of something I had experienced before this voice was what saved me. I remember one day sitting, by this time my body was bent to the ground from the berating, the cheating, the lies. I had lost my mind and my voice to the point where if I opened it to speak he would say ah! and I would close it. He treated me worse than a dog. All I had left was this tiny voice inside my head speaking to me. This one day I remember thinking ‘when was the last time you were happy De’, you know I couldn’t remember. Can you imagine someone has that kind of power that they wipe your memory of the last time you smiled.
I searched and searched, I even ran away to another country to find some space and peace to be alone to hear that voice, I prayed and prayed and then I remembered I had had good respectful loving relationships once. That was my shining beacon, that was what got me out. I wanted to be happy again. And I worked at it and I am 🙂
I just wanted to say….even if you have been disrespected and abused you still have the power to make a firm decision.
with respect
De
‘Yet you are afraid to leave. You would be alone. If he doesn’t want you, after all you have tried to do, then how could anyone else? You have learned to (barely) tolerate a horrible situation – a home of disrespect. You have learned how to avoid problems in this poisoned atmosphere, and only know how to watch and respond to this one guy. Regular, respectful and responsible people, men and women, are foreigners, aliens that have no idea how your life is lived.’
Brad – i know its a year late, but just wanted to say thank u for this post. it really resonated with me. u have managed to express in words exactly how i felt 2 years ago when i left my emotionally and physically abusive, controlling, manic depressive (bi polar), husband of 10 years.
this site mostly deals with ‘EUM’s, but my ex used my low self esteem against me by being over emotional. he was completely dependant on me, making me feel needed, whilst at the same time stripping me of my ‘self’, draining the life out of me.
Now i’m out in the ‘real’ world i have found it difficult to adjust. i think i have found a genuinely good guy now, but i have fallen in to this pattern of dramas. think i started dating too soon. but the new guy is very patient, and is giving me the space to sort my head out and the support and encouragement to be all that i can be. i have even started my own business with his encouragment. he never considered that i wouldnt be capable! my ex discouraged me for 7 years! telling me i dont have the experience, or i wouldnt have enough time for the family (his kids! he denied me my own!), the reasons were endless.
‘Even worse, he has convinced you that he knows right from wrong, and that you don’t. And you have come to believe in what he says. After all, if he says it often enough it must be true. Right? Wrong!’
to anyone that is in a long term unhealthy relationship, it’s never to late to leave, and you will never regret it. even with the initial pain and anguish, it is well worth it. i can see now that leaving him was my first step to respecting myself again
this website has been such a help in understanding my recent behaviour. i am so positive about the future now
thanks NML, HAF, cheekie and all other contributers
al_faf