Today on day 24 of the 30 Days of Drama Reduction series, Brad K offers up an empowering and highly insightful perspective of having friends and not allowing disrespect…..
When you find yourself in the midst of disaster, when you are hurt by those you trusted, do you keep the drama in, and avoid letting anyone see your plight? Or do you have friends, a trusted companion outside the betrayals in your life? Then as the drama unfolds for the world to see, maybe someone will cry ‘Uncle!’ for you, and bring help.
When you met him, you didn’t understand about respect.
You didn’t notice whether he was wooing you with pretty words and attention that meant respect or a mere recipe to get to into your knickers. And you may not have appreciated what you might not have learned – that disrespect always gets worse, until someone gets hurt.
Even now, you might not recognize that one of the underlying disconnects that isolates you from love and affection is living with someone that doesn’t respect you (or probably themselves or others). Call him emotionally unavailable – he certainly doesn’t care about what you have to offer; only what he can take.
The disrespect of that old life destroys trust, destroys security. Disrespect bleeds over into everything else. Jokes that aren’t that funny, pranks, ignoring people are all acts of disrespect. Making fun of appearance, of skills, of wants and needs – these are disrespect at it’s most horrible. Hitting and cursing are almost comforting forms of bullying (disrespect) since you can recognize what the act is quite easily. Blonde jokes? Clinton jokes? Ethnic jokes? Admiring comments about other women? The disregard for your feelings and your trust and your love is disrespect, and it will get worse. Some of these can be pure ignorance. If you stand your ground, confront each occurrence,’That hurts’ or’That isn’t funny to me’ should be enough for a guy to learn from. If he is untrainable ‘“ that is disrespect. He doesn’t feel you have enough status in his life that he needs to worry about your feelings, your values. ‘˜Taking for granted’ is disrespect. It will get worse until it gets corrected.
You look at the remnants of what used to look attractive, and you think,’If only I could ..’ Maybe the right clothes, or the right words, or sometime the moment will be right, and you could recapture the feelings of being wanted, you could again share delights and make him happy. And you try. But you continue to ignore what is apparent to others.
He doesn’t know what a partner is, he doesn’t want a mate in a rational and adult sense. He will never treat you as an adult, or as someone he respects.
Yet you are afraid to leave. You would be alone. If he doesn’t want you, after all you have tried to do, then how could anyone else? You have learned to (barely) tolerate a horrible situation ‘“ a home of disrespect. You have learned how to avoid problems in this poisoned atmosphere, and only know how to watch and respond to this one guy. Regular, respectful and responsible people, men and women, are foreigners, aliens that have no idea how your life is lived.
Even worse, he has convinced you that he knows right from wrong, and that you don’t. And you have come to believe in what he says. After all, if he says it often enough it must be true. Right? Wrong. It isn’t true when Congress repeats lies, and it isn’t true when he lies with disrespect.
Suppose you choose to leave, or are forced to separate. You are to be a stranger in a strange land. No one acts they way he did – you have no idea how to avoid upsetting them, or getting their attention in a helpful way, or even how to make yourself useful to them. The truths and meanings of how you have been living don’t mean the same thing to anyone else. You still feel isolated – it might be easier to return to the world you had built with him amidst all the disrespect.
A tarot card deck includes two important cards that signal change. One is the Lightning Struck Tower, the other the Death card. Neither are about dying. The first signals traumatic or significant change. The Death card signals an ending, the passing of a way of life or significant endeavor to make way for the new. Part of the secret of why the No Contact Rule helps people is subtle. When it works, it is because you have to face leaving the old life behind. And it tries to give advice and hints about the important things to accomplish to build a comfortable and secure life.
The break from the past is scary. Many of us date to enjoy rubbing against someone else, or to enjoy company in social activities. And we fall into a continuing relationship, and find that sometimes we wander away from each others, sometimes we wander into a longer-term relationship. But we haven’t actually chosen to do anything significant. We just let it happen. So now, in pain and confusion, we are inexperienced in building a new life.
So I would add to the No Contact Rule. Practice recognizing and confronting disrespect, in your life in on those around you. Choose to avoid people that display disrespect. And meet people of good character. Whether learning to use a computer, or to live without an EUM, you can save years of frustration and pain by knowing, and communicating with, good people.
I read one recommendation for recovering from a breakup. I find his point of view offensive, his ethics are badly skewed. He does point out one interesting technique “ isolate yourself completely for three days.” Provide an emotional watershed. He wanted to cry it out, get all the tears shed, and move on. Others want you to review your relationship, to create a barrier of awareness of the harm of the way things were. Another approach is anger. Stir up your fears into a froth of rage to create a barrier to hold you back, if you doubt your choice to move on. These are several ways to go, but an important point. You have to stop living as you were ‘“ a little death ‘“ and create a permanent barrier behind you. For some with impeccable self-knowledge, belief in the good in life, and secure in their lives, making a firm decision is all that is required. But then, they haven’t lived in a world of disrespect, and cannot understand the difference.
Check out Brad K’s blog – It’s About Making Babies!
Do you have a post or tip to submit for the series? Get in touch! Read other posts from the series.
If you’re a habitual dater of emotionally unavailable men, don’t forget that Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy and download.