A few years back, I brought my friend along to a meetup with BR readers as she was going through a difficult time due to having been involved in an affair. Part of her struggle was that she didn’t see herself as the ‘kind of woman’ who would get into this type of situation so he must be so special in order for that to come about but she was also feeling the prick of reality that was letting her know that she was in a situation that many millions of people have rationalised to themselves. She was initially reluctant to join us, claiming, “Yeah… but I’m not like ‘them’….” and I gave her the side-eye and stare-down. “And what exactly would that be like?”, bristling protectively for my tribe and actually for my younger self who’d cried on her shoulder many a time when I was in my own affair fiasco. “Well… you know…”. I didn’t and it didn’t take long for her to admit that she didn’t know either, quickly backtracking and realising that none us should be so quick to judge.
It doesn’t take a certain type of person to be single, to struggle with dating, to hold down relationships, or struggle with work dynamics and professional life, or their friendships or family. It takes being a human.
One of the things that I’ve always found rather amusing is that some people assume that because my birth father wasn’t around that it’s obvious that I was going to be in for a dodgy relationship track record. It’s like, “Duh! Well of course you’re f-cked up!”. I laugh because while a hell of a lot of the people I hear from have an absent parent (emotionally and/or physically) or experienced abuse, bullying, or criticism, a hell of a lot of the people I hear from have the type of childhood that the former group can only dream of for their inner child. One of my fantasies was that one day my real family were going to turn up and whisk me off to Zamunda (yes I knew it wasn’t a real country but I loved the film as a child!).
People often say to me, “I can’t believe that I’m a woman/man who gets cheated on”, as if to suggest that it’s only a certain type of person who gets cheated on. Who is that?
“What does that make me if I ended up with a person like him/her?”, as if to suggest that due to someone disappointing them and maybe crossing their boundaries in a big way, it must mean that they’re not the person that they thought themselves to be.
“I’m an educated woman. How did I get myself into this situation?”, as if to suggest that an education should exempt a person from a crappy relationship. So who’s supposed to get the unhealthy relationships? The uneducated people?
“How could this happen to someone like me?” , as if to suggest that whatever they think they are means that X,Y,Z ‘shouldn’t’ happen. It’s similar to, “How did I not see it?”, as if to suggest that not seeing something or not responding to something means something about a person, like being human.
If there’s one thing that life does regardless of money, education, background or even appearance, it puts us through our paces.
All of these things that we go through, are to remind us that not only are we human but to get over ourselves instead of being led by our egos.
Humility, empathy and compassion, both for ourselves as well as for others, is vital. When we self-identify on our personality or other attributes, or we self-define on our pain, we block us from from the lesson contained in the experience because we keep bonking ourselves on the head with our ‘mistake’ or even rubbing our face in it.
We let the ego keep doing the talking and we become disconnected from our true self.
We forget that we’re human and we also forget that others who on some level we’ve been comparing ourselves to or seeing an aspect of us as making us more valuable or less prone to certain things, are also human too. Next thing you know, a narrative is taking hold where we ‘should’ have done this and that because we’re supposed to be ________. This is a very inaccurate representation of events.
One of the things that I’ve learned as a result of my Baggage Reclaim experience is not to make assumptions about what a person who is struggling with something in life ‘looks’ like.
A person does not need to look a certain way or be a certain age, in order to be single or in a relationship. Ask Em – he’s met/seen a number of BR readers over the years and has said how he wishes that people could see how women in particular, who are single or struggling with a relationship look like, because it blows all of the misconceptions and prejudices right out of the water. And actually, women really do need to not only stop being so hard on themselves but also judging other women. It’s bloody hard enough as it is out there without us writing each other off as if we have cobwebs in our knickers by a certain age and are on the scrapheap. We need to stop competing as if women out there are stealing from our ‘supply’, as if there’s not enough to go around.
We need to stop assuming that there must be something wrong with a woman if she’s single or can’t make a relationship work with an unavailable partner or assuming that she has a prize if she’s in a relationship. We must stop assuming that what we deem to be ‘good looking’ and ‘beautiful’ people, have it easy, because they don’t. There are plenty of so-called ‘good looking’ and ‘beautiful’ people who battle with depression and loneliness, with people around them not taking the time to pay attention or to ask questions because, well, they have the looks don’t they, so what possible problems could they have? Equally, we need to stop judging people based on what we deem as a lesser appearance. And men need to stop assuming that a guy is weak if he’s cheated on or that there’s something wrong with him if he doesn’t want to run out there and beat his chest and sow his wild oats. It is OK to be sensitive, it’s OK to be hurt, and actually, it’s OK to have emotions and express them. In fact, men and women need to stop basing their self-esteem on how they deal with situations. It’s not really fair to judge ourselves for asking for help, or for feeling lonely or depressed.
We.Are.Human. We must stop dehumanising ourselves and others.
Take care.
Your thoughts?
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I am honoured to leave a comment on this, how crystal clear… Honest, and helpful.. … Compassion goes a long ways, longer than the reach we ever live to see, it goes way out there, and the same goes vies versa, it goes WAY IN there too…realignment affects us , but it affects others too. Maybe one person in the world will gain from being more compassionate and the folks they effect will have a richer life experience because they were getting more real heart stuff than bull. A fine reminder to be self compassionate as well as compassionate for others.. I really super LIKE these blogs.. Big time daily hits of super insights. <3
I’ve been reading this blog for five years now, starting after a ridiculously shocking and sudden breakup. Even as I entered and exited different relationships, these emails would arrive as if written for me personally. So here I am again, having been treated like shit by a long-time boyfriend, and I’ve spent the past week beating MYSELF up. I wish I could be as kind to myself as my friends and family have been to me through all of this. This is a wake up call…
We forget that we’re human and we also forget that others who on some level we’ve been comparing ourselves to or seeing an aspect of us as making us more valuable or less prone to certain things, are also human too. Next thing you know, a narrative is taking hold where we ‘should’ have done this and that because we’re supposed to be ________. This is a very inaccurate representation of events.
I just wrote about my experience with this in the last post and I couldn’t agree more.
Of everything I’ve learned in the last 4 years of my life while seeking advice, seeing a therapist, ending relationships and friendships and reading this blog it’s to stop comparing myself and my situations to others. And to stop judging them and myself so harshly.
Thank you 🙂
I’ve been beating myself up for having so many bits of my life fall into place – except for my love life.
I’ve been looking for reasons to blame me for not being in a comitted relationship at the moment.
Since I laid down boundaries with a man in my life – I’ve been silently scared that putting these boundaries in place will mean I lose him – then feeling pathetic about this.
We all need to work at less judgement of others and ourselves.
Compassion is a beautiful thing.
Bx
What a beautiful post! We are all human, and need to practice loving kindness with ourselves and others. Isn’t that why we are all here? Really loved this post! ?
You are so right. We forget we are just human. I have said those words to myself more times than I care to remember. Why do they cheat on me or why can I make my career and family life work well but I can’t get to that next stage in my love life. Why don’t I have a loving partner like millions of people. Assumptions are self-esteem killers. I have to work on this
jos, I’m the worst one for self-flagellating because I have yet to get to “that next stage” also! It’s further compounded by the fact that as I’m getting older, people are noticing the absence of a man in my life, and I do feel societal pressure to settle down like everyone else. If only it were so easy though! I’m learning to ignore society and ignore the inner voice and try to enjoy the journey.
It was so great coming out here and reading this article. I really needed it. As a highly educated and accomplished woman I have everything going for me, yet I am very much single. In my previous two relationships both of the guys cheated on me and had babies with two other women. My most recent ex went from being 100% in love with me, to proposing to his baby mother the day after professing his love for me. It hurt more so to the core that I am unable to have children. For a very long time, I blamed myself for this and society did not make it any easier. I read that the purpose of a woman is to get a husband and if she gets that husband she is the happiest she will ever be because she had fulfilled her only purpose in life, which is to get her husband. For a very long time, I felt like I was not good enough. I constantly told myself how could this happen to me, when I had everything going for me. It was then I realized that I was only human and those things are bound to happen to me as they are all part of life.
Going through trials especially those that involve love will deplete yourself esteem to the core and that is supposed to happen to even the best of us. But take comfort in the fact that this is life and when you get hurt by someone, it has nothing to do with you, but more so the person. There is no face for what single should look like, or marriage bliss should look like. Nor is there something wrong with you because you are single. Take the opportunity to learn about you, to grow, to accept that this thing that you are going through will make you stronger and wiser. Take courage in knowing that there is no face, but the only thing there is, is survival. It will happen to you, it can happen to you, what separates us from the rest is how we rise up above it.
Millie,
My friend is frequently deployed, and his family and my family have begun to “fight” over taking temporary guardianship of his son in those times – as we all want to help his little guy when he is out of the country. He is a divorced dad and has sole custody. His ex-wife didn’t “want” their son around.
If you have the love for a child, either as a tutor, part time teacher, neighbor, babysitter, guardian, whatever capacity, you are a “mom” and the child will benefit from your naturally giving and genuine love each time you give it.
You don’t have to give birth to love a child like a mom, in some cases you will be better than a mom, such as if you foster a child who had been abused.
I treat all children like they were my own. I am surely “mom” to many children in my community.
Start looking for ways to spread your love to a child, and if one accidentally calls you “mom” or is kind enough to send you a Mother’s Day card for your love and care, you will know exactly how it does feel to be a “real” mom – because you will have been a real mom for those children or teens. You seem to have a loving nature and would be very good with children.
Thank you so much for saying this
Wow. I love this post. I have spent time trying to work out what it is about me that meant I ended up in ‘that’ situation. Time to give myself a break I think.
Love this post Natalie… I hate the assumptions that trail after you if you’re single, and I have to remind myself to ignore them/stop applying them to me. ..it becomes a toxic swirl of judgement all round. Thank you.
Great post, thank you! Just stumbled upon this interesting article on when ‘bad boys’ no longer appeal:
https://www.the-pool.com/life/love-sex/2015/49/when-bad-boys-no-longer-appeal
Love this article!
“Then you look at yourself and ask how you ended up with someone who treats you like a nobody, and whether you’ve been unconsciously trying to prove to yourself that they’re right. Are you persistently pursuing men who will reinforce your own ambivalent feelings about yourself?”
Er…. 🙂
Thanks for the link to such a FANTASTIC article! So many truths in it.
After reading it I realized that yes, I got bored with the EUMs and ACs in my life. Bored with the drama and uncertainty. Bored with their disinterest.
I’m actually very optimistic about my romantic future, because now I am very sure about what I DO want.
Ok, this really resonated with me. I am one of those people that ”have the type of childhood that the former group can only dream of for their inner child. ” I have been struggling to find a healthy relationship since I was 28 and I am in my 40s now. Lots of men have given me attention, I have had flings and short-term disasters, but, despite having amazing role models (father, grandfathers, uncles, etc) I still can’t find something healthy.
After few years, after I have faced so many failures, my self-esteem was starting to really take a nosedive. I believe I am going to resign myself to throwing in the towel and work on my self esteem, that it is ok that I didn’t find someone, that it isn’t because of some flaw I haven’t figured out yet.
Your article certainly has helped me work towards that goal, that it isn’t something about me that is fundamentally flawed, that I am, human.
Thanks.
I’m still beating myself up for my disastrous choices in men. My last relationship ended 9 months ago with an EUMM. I suffered the worst betrayal – he told me he was divorced and he wasn’t. We were together 4 years. I kept breaking NC but I finally stopped contacting him 2 months ago and I haven’t heard from him in a month so I guess this is progress. Since then I’ve been having a sort-of relationship with another EUM but this time I’ve told him to let me know when he is ‘sorted’. He has assured me he will as that is what I wants for himself. Who knows. This has been an awful year – the relationship break-up, I had to move house because of the break-up and also incurred debts because of it. I’m dreading Christmas, dreading the memories of my ex and dreading NYE being the only singleton surrounded by couples while they all know another one of my relationships ended in disaster and heartbreak. I have two teenagers I adore and start a new job in the new year but I can’t help feeling sorry for myself wondering about the men who were in my life who are all happily coupled off and the ex who has probably gone back to his wife and I’m alone again at 43. I might be human but I’ve got major daddy issues that have tarnished my whole adult life. I’m trying sooooooo hard to focus on myself with love and care and try to understand my choices so I can move on but it’s hard. It’s really really hard, especially at this time of year 🙁
Excellent post, Nat. Your best one ever.
Great article. I have a tendency to ask myself things like this all the time “why is this always happening to me, why does he/she have this or that and I don’t” etc etc. First, I never get an answer because that’s just life…second, it’s just causing unecessary stress that I don’t need. We are all human and have different circumstances and so on. I think we judge ourselves way more than others and it’s such a self esteem killer. I know plenty of people who I perceive as good looking, smart and so on and they have relationship issues in all departments just like the rest of us. Life doesn’t discriminate. I’ve also been asked by a few people “why I’m single or not married” as if I’m supposed to be. First I think it’s rude for someone to even ask that, even if they mean well. Thanks to society putting that pressure on women especially. It’s no wonder we all say things like “I’m in my 30’s and now I’ll never find anyone”. I know plenty of older people who are single and seemingly happy. Not all of us end up with someone and we have to learn how to be happy with ourselves. I am no expert obviously and I too am still working on myself and my way of thinking.
I like your blog. Yet I cannot help but be often amused by the fact that many of the traits that you mention here about men often relate to some of the women I have met in my life: like the outrageous principle, passive aggression, manipulative and controlling behavior, emotional blackmail, playing victim and blaming others for their own issues, refusing to go to shrinks even when they know they have problems, signs of being ‘unavailable’ or ‘lack of interest’, being so lazy as to keep maximum communication by email but when it comes to meeting you in person they make a lot of excuses not to meet you, faking interest in you while being married to someone, etc. My mother is quite a passive aggressive and control freak too and absolutely managed to emasculate my father (much to his chagrin, I am sure LOL, though he is probably not conscious of it till date, he is just soo dumb as to marry someone like my mother) so I guess maybe this is the LAW of attraction at work here? One recurrent reference I find in your blog is about men who borrow money from women. Funny enough I come from a country where it is just the opposite: it is just the girlfriends who often borrow money from boyfriends (not just money, gadgets, clothes, jewelry you name it, but mostly smartphones seem to be the norm these days) rather than the other way round; some of them in fact get into relationships, even marriage, just for financial security. The women here prefer seeking bridegrooms to jobs and for a good reason, I am sure you are smart enough to understand why. A lot of them marry as early as 20 years of age. Truly astounding! Man or woman, I would never marry until I have a solid and stable life of myself. Name them what you will but I’d call them goldiggers lol. I say amusing because while it seems your blog is targeted toward protecting women from shabby men (I can appreciate that you are writing it from your own point of view; if you were a man you would write it differently I am sure) I would be using the information to protect myself from shabby females and shift and sort through them. Keep up the good work 🙂 Might even buy your books 😀 I wish I had found your blog last year when I was with my ex. When she kept criticizing her father for all problems I should have realized that it is a red flag and dumped her, but unfortunately I was too much in love with her by then, and she had this uncanny ability to blow hot and cold depending on the situation.
Thank you for this, such a great article.
Two years ago I started a relationship with a man who is twenty years older than me. He said he was ready for a serious relationship, he fell in love with me very quickly, and with two and a half months of dating, I was pregnant and moved into his house. He then started to be cold, and mean, tell me I’m insignificant, I don’t bring anything to the table. At six months pregnant he told me that he was no longer in love with me over the phone while he was in Vegas. I ended up having a panic attack and went to the hospital. When he came back from his trip he told me to move back to my moms and we could work things out from there. Well fast forward, I was living in between my moms house and his house, I had our son October 2014 and in January 2015 I found out he was having a relationship with someone else since March of 2014 in Vegas. That all the times he left me at home to go on trips, to “stay at his parents”, or that I should live with my mom, he was with her. On the night I had a panic attack, he was out to dinner with her. Well he is very cold and callous about his cheating and told me he doesn’t want to be with me, that I’m not worth being in a relationship with and I still can’t get over it. I’m deeply hurt, suffering from depression, post parturition depression, and I really don’t think I’ll ever move on. He seems to be completely unphased by how badly he’s hurt me. I’ve had mental break downs, I’ve ended up on in the hospital. Recently he’s been doing this thing where every time we are together he acts like we are in a relationship. Then when I bring it up saying that either we are together or not, no in between, he acts like a total jerk and tells me that he doesn’t have anyone else so it is in his nature to act affectionately with a woman who just happens to be around.
I don’t know how to move on, if I could ever move on, and like I’m broken down. Maybe he is right, maybe I’m not worth being in a relationship? To this day I wonder what I did to get him to hate me so much. But I feel completely defeated, and being a new mom, a single mom, is just the straw that broke the camels back. I need help finding my strength.
Ashley,
You’re not together with him and that’s lucky. His hatred for you isn’t likely even personal. From how you describe him, he’s just a total loser in general and hates himself for it. Losers like that always take their self-hatred out on others.
It’s essential to go no contact with him right away. If he pretends he wants to spend time with your child, let him pick up the child and go elsewhere, or drop off the child and leave right away until his agreed-upon time is up. He’ll be out of both of your lives soon enough when he learns he can no longer manipulate you.
That’s the first step in rebuilding the self-esteem that he destroyed. The next step is to work on a plan for you to find and train for work that can support you and your child. When you are able to do that, it will give you an enormous boost. And then when you can afford it, get into therapy so you will eventually learn the skills you need to find a healthy relationship for you, when your child is old enough for this to be realistic. Good luck, it’s a long process but essential for your health and your child’s.
Thanks for the support. I’m currently going to therapy but it might be best to go more often, instead of once a week, maybe twice.
The good thing is that he does pay child support and he he is really determined to be apart of our son’s life. But I do feel like that comes with the price of manipulation. He feels the need to make decisions such as how much money I spend, to where I work and where I should be looking to live. But I guess that’s what happens when you’re 25 and date a 45 year old man.
I’m currently going to school to become a teacher and through all the hardship and mental defeat, I am doing really well. I am really trying to focus on that for my son.
I really want to do the no contact rule, but it’s nearly impossible when you have a child together. I’m going to do what you said though and keep the contact I do end up having with him short, brief and distant.
Thanks again
ashley
please focus on your son and leave this idiot. you got a son out of it and thats all it will be hopefully he is paying child support, but do not expect anything else from him. be a good mom your baby is a gift.
youre right. It’s so much easier said than done. I feel like I’ve been trudging through quicksand trying to get to the other side for relief .