Sometimes, when I read emails and comments from readers, I can hear the voice of Vikki Pollard from Little Britain saying “yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah” and what I hear is that many women agree with what I or others have to say about certain male behaviour like emotional unavailability, but they like to leave a trail of ‘buts’ because they don’t want to write off all hope.
Whilst this is tied into a core behaviour of many women called Betting On Potential, choosing to deny the reality of someone or your situation says more about you than it does about him.
If someone doesn’t see themselves as they really are, there is very little that you can do about it because even rubbing their face in it won’t connect some of the disconnected.
But you are the person who is on the receiving end of their actions. You’re the one who feels the pain, the humiliation, the abandonment, the deceit, the confusion, the ambiguity, the contradiction, the anger, the sadness, and so much more.
Why, in the face of being treated in this way would you deny that behaviour and look for a reason to not only stay invested but to sing their praises.
I was over at my good friend Lisa Q’s new blog 20:40 reading her post “Denial: Thy name is Mr Unavailable” and a reader asked:
“What if you arent betting on potential & they have all of the qualities you look for but they just have an inflated ego?”
You could just as easily substitute the ‘they just have an inflated ego’ for:
“What if you arent betting on potential & they have all of the qualities you look for but they’re married?”
“What if you arent betting on potential & they have all of the qualities you look for but they just have a bad temper?”
“What if you arent betting on potential & they have all of the qualities you look for but they just don’t realise that it’s me they should be with?”
“What if you arent betting on potential & they have all of the qualities you look for but they’re not ready to settle down yet?”
“What if you arent betting on potential & they have all of the qualities you look for but they need time to get over their ex and I’m being patient?”
I could go on but I hope you are getting the point but more importantly, isn’t it about time that we start to get real?
I don’t make excuses for anyone other than my child and she’s one.
We have to stop treating men like they are children that don’t know what they want and quit making excuses for them because they won’t thank you for it.
These men are like children and they don’t know what they want but they’re not children and it’s not up to you to decide his fate.
When we make excuses for men and deny their poor behaviour, we are living in denial because living in reality would force us to take action. We are afraid of taking action and seeing our contribution to our poor relationships, so instead we focus on the manchild and claim he has a big ego and think that there is nothing wrong with us or what we are doing.
How long are you prepared to live in denial for? What exactly has to happen to you before you will take action before you watch your life disappear down the black hole of a poor relationship?
The moment that you start getting real is the moment that you start connecting with yourself is the moment that these men lose their grip on you. Living in denial feeds the drama demon and keeps you trapped in cycle of poor relationships where you say ‘Poor me’ and think you’re being dealt a bad hand that you actually have a part to play in.
Get into reality. If you’re happy where you are when you get to reality, pat yourself on your back and enjoy it. If you get into reality and discover that you’re in a nightmare, you need to wake up!
Your thoughts?If you would like to understand more about the man who is the king of mixed signals and the women that love him, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.