Whilst this is tied into a core behaviour of many women called Betting On Potential, choosing to deny the reality of someone or your situation says more about you than it does about him.
If someone doesn’t see themselves as they really are, there is very little that you can do about it because even rubbing their face in it won’t connect some of the disconnected.
But you are the person who is on the receiving end of their actions. You’re the one who feels the pain, the humiliation, the abandonment, the deceit, the confusion, the ambiguity, the contradiction, the anger, the sadness, and so much more.
Why, in the face of being treated in this way would you deny that behaviour and look for a reason to not only stay invested but to sing their praises.
I was over at my good friend Lisa Q’s new blog 20:40 reading her post “Denial: Thy name is Mr Unavailable” and a reader asked:
“What if you arent betting on potential & they have all of the qualities you look for but they just have an inflated ego?”
Huh?
You could just as easily substitute the ‘they just have an inflated ego’ for:
“What if you arent betting on potential & they have all of the qualities you look for but they’re married?”
“What if you arent betting on potential & they have all of the qualities you look for but they just have a bad temper?”
“What if you arent betting on potential & they have all of the qualities you look for but they just don’t realise that it’s me they should be with?”
“What if you arent betting on potential & they have all of the qualities you look for but they’re not ready to settle down yet?”
“What if you arent betting on potential & they have all of the qualities you look for but they need time to get over their ex and I’m being patient?”
I could go on but I hope you are getting the point but more importantly, isn’t it about time that we start to get real?
I don’t make excuses for anyone other than my child and she’s one.
We have to stop treating men like they are children that don’t know what they want and quit making excuses for them because they won’t thank you for it.
These men are like children and they don’t know what they want but they’re not children and it’s not up to you to decide his fate.
When we make excuses for men and deny their poor behaviour, we are living in denial because living in reality would force us to take action. We are afraid of taking action and seeing our contribution to our poor relationships, so instead we focus on the manchild and claim he has a big ego and think that there is nothing wrong with us or what we are doing.
How long are you prepared to live in denial for? What exactly has to happen to you before you will take action before you watch your life disappear down the black hole of a poor relationship?
The moment that you start getting real is the moment that you start connecting with yourself is the moment that these men lose their grip on you. Living in denial feeds the drama demon and keeps you trapped in cycle of poor relationships where you say ‘Poor me’ and think you’re being dealt a bad hand that you actually have a part to play in.
Get into reality. If you’re happy where you are when you get to reality, pat yourself on your back and enjoy it. If you get into reality and discover that you’re in a nightmare, you need to wake up!
Your thoughts?If you would like to understand more about the man who is the king of mixed signals and the women that love him, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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Good Monday morning to you, NML.
This is the part that is so shameful to me because it’s what I did and how I lived – always indenial and not owning up to my own connectivity.
It’s a hard lesson but a very good one. One that will spare me that kind of pain ever again. No more excuses for a man’s behavior and why he isn’t choosing me and only me and treating me well all the time. No excuses. None.
NML, I really can appreciate this today. I think I finally did wake up to the realitiy that I wasn’t being treated as I should and that there are no excuses for it. I was afraid to be without my EUM, to have to find someone else. But finally I was treated so bad and there was no excuse and I decided that the unknown couldn’t possible be as painful as staying with this EUM. I finally realized I was the one with the problem for putting up with such poor behavior. I had only found this website after I was deep into this relationship. I am thankful that I now know all the signs of EUM and understand better why I am attracted to this type.
This blog f’ing rocks my world.
AWESOME.
“The moment that you start getting real is the moment that you start connecting with yourself is the moment that these men lose their grip on you.” Amen NML! You have to get real. You have to get honest. It’s the beginning of taking your life, and your relationships, back.
When I realized that my relationship past wasn’t just about men treating me like crap and got honest about my part in it, I also realized that it wasn’t just my relationships with men that was affected. It was my relationships with my family, with my friends, at work, and on and on and on.
I don’t pretend to have it all conquered and figured out just yet, but I am a work in progress and am finally on the right track. I could never have gotten this far without connecting with myself and being real about who I am and my part in my past relationship failures.
Oh and thanks a ton for the shout out girl! I soooooo appreciate it!
I think, by far, this is the hardest part of moving forward when being involved with a EUM.
I am locked in denial right at this moment and just barely keeping my head above water. These guys seem to sense our inner turmoil and use it to their advantage. I say No! and then later, there I am again at Maybe … It is a constant battle between reality and fantasy.
I get great encouragement and insight by reading these blogs and the feedback everyone leaves as well.
I’m trying to be stronger. There is sooo much I have to figure out about myself. A lot of history and a lot of baggage. Just being able to take the focus off of him is a huge step for me. Im learning I have to take this thing apart in pieces. 😉
Where was this blog when I needed that lightbulb moment with my ex?! After a long 4+ years I still find myself falling into denial about him — “of course he’ll do the right thing for his kids” — “he wouldn’t intentionally hurt the kids” — “he’ll want to share in this with them” — “he’ll grow up & be a good dad”.
I’m pretty optimistic as a general rule but where my ex is concerned I let what I WANT him to be color my view of what he REALLY is. Denial of reality kept us together. Recognizing my kids (and eventually realizing that I myself) deserve more helped me kick him to the curb.
I’m wondering if I will ever master facing reality…so your blog really hit home. Thanks for the food for thought.
Denial has been a wonderful friend to me in the past… but Iam more awake now.
great post
Tulipa, “Denial has been a wonderful friend to me in the past… but I am more awake now.”
That is an *awful* joke. Thanks for sharing it with us!
NML, you are a genius!!! DENIAL WAS THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ASSCLOWN. Once I came out of denial, I was disgusted and felt so humiliated that I had put up with the kind of treatment that he was dishing out. I was chasing after a guy who didn’t give a crap about me. I had to be in denial to do that. I thought “he cared so much for me, but was just afraid of commitment.” Well, that’s a load of crap…he was with me because I was willing to put up with a relationship in which it was all his way or the highway. It was all about him, him, him, him, him and more him. Until I began therapy and started to focus on my past, my low self esteem and worked very hard at it, denial was a way of life and survival. One has to be ready to lift the blanket of denial and have some tools for surviving without that blanket of denial. Now, instead of waiting for him to contact me because I’m hoping that he had a change of heart and wants a commited relationship, I am not hoping for contact, but I’m not fearing it either, because I’m stronger. I know I will either tell him to f**k off, or I’ll just ignore him. He has nothing to offer that I’m the least bit interested in anymore! Thank you NML and bloggers for giving me tools and encouragement to see the light!
Very true…I do not know how much I am going to put up with before I ask this assclown to get lost.Every time I am being out to be needy.,clinging and what not…I do not have any major expectatons from him except that he would be more consistent in what he says.One day he says that we are soulmates…the next day he says that I am just a friend like the many others in his life.I should not expect any special treatment from him.If I want to meet him,I have to literally beg him and he would agree as if he is doing me a favour.And yesterday he tells me that he met this lady at a disc and liked her company and was planning to meet her again the next day.When I raised the question as to how he could find time to meet a random aquaintance whenn he did not have time to meet me he lost his temper and told me that it was his personal matter…I was shattered.Felt like crying the whole day.Am just not able to understand this man.
The sad part is I am not able to get him out of my system either.I keep making excuses for his bad behaviour every time.He does not have time to call me…will only text me that too when he has time…Always cites time and bandwidth constraints…We have fought and patched up atleast a hundered times over sms and texting…how sad…And I wonder why I put up with this nonsense every time.I am not able to tell him to get lost though I want to.I have tried NC so many times…Have been successful.But the moment he calls…it’s all gone…It is back o square one.I am not upset that he met another female cos’ we are not in any serious relationship as yet.All I am asking is that why don’t you give me the same importance that you give some random female when you know that I like you so much…And that put him off…He started screaming at me…I blasted him back…But have been shatttered since yersterday…cannot digest the fact that someone whom I like and trust could treat me like this…
brookesmith,
He doesn’t respect you, doesn’t care for you. He is a perpetual dater, and will never move past wanting fun dates, when he is on a date, and ‘freedom’ to date anyone.
You will never get over him until you break contact with him. Any word exchanged, any text answered, any email or message or phone call returned or answered gives him the opportunity to make another ‘date’. He is skilled at manipulating you. He cares about what makes his date fun, not about what makes you happy.
And that is what a good man should be doing, making you happy. It takes time, lots of time, to get over a guy like this. You have gotten into the habit of disrespecting yourself just the way he disrespects you. You need him gone, so that you can break that habit and start respecting yourself. Until your self-respect and self-esteem are improved, the ‘good’ men won’t think you are available. And you will be stuck with EUM losers.
Yes, he is persuasive. Yes at time being with him can be comfortable, more comfortable than telling yourself you need to be rid of him. But that is the point – you need to be rid of him. You are trading your needs for a moment’s pleasure.
And there really is no other way. Re-read the rule for No Contact, make a list of them, read them over each morning, and never answer another SMS or text or phone call from him again. If you answer the phone and it is him, say “No.” and hang up. Never explain anything to him again. No more conversations. Yes, you give up the comforts you have with him now, but there are other comforts in life that aren’t wrapped in disrespect.
Luck!
I’m currently living in denial with my husband and have been living like this for years. We started going to therapy recently (few Months ago) but again he denies that he needs help..He has always been ok and that’s enough for him. The one with the issue its me. I dont know how long I can actually put up with this.
Love Foxy
I keep breaking the no contact rule with my ex. This is usually following an unexpected pop up from him, a need to get my attention. He has published comments on social forums describing me as ‘not just ugly but repulsive’ has sent back all the gifts I ever gave him, told me he always suspected I was a lesbian and that he hopes I will be happy if that is what I want. He verbally abused me for months and threatened to leave me saying the usual “No one will love you as much as I do – who do you think would put up with you” when I ended the relationship he stalked me and has continued to find ways of contact 6 months on.
When I see him I deny myself all these experiences of fear and unhappiness and in turn I open myself up to further pain and the idea that I am accessible to him. When I am with him I am charmed and feel connected but it is dangerous as I am not listening to myself and continue down this destructive path knowing that it is unhealthy.
I keep the meeting secret from friends and family and end up blurting it out when I am so eaten up with shame and guilt that I have returned to that which made me so unhappy and unwell.
The denial is like nicotine. Denial keeps the drug of abuse alive.
Foxy – My ex went to two therapy sessions. After the first he stalked me and stared through my basement flat windows for hours I was terrified and hid in the hallway after the second he decided that he was ok and that it was a waste of money he sent me a text to say that the therapist had suggested he was trying to control me, but that she was talking rubbish and he didnt need to pay someone to hear bad and untrue things about himself
FoxyVara32,
I had the same type of situation with my ex-boyfriend. We bought a home together and lived together for 8 years. I wanted to go to therapy, but he was certain he didn’t need it – my problem. It wasn’t a bad relationship, so it was hard to let go – and it was a lot better than the eums I’ve been with since we broke up, but it just wasn’t good enough ultimately. I now realize that we were both eums coexisting. And I’ve learned so much from the eums I’ve been with (ground-breakingly and painfully so) since, I think that I’m finally on a path to having a more rewarding life…and relationship(s) in the future! Best of luck.
Ha ha. I mean eus coexisting…I’m not an m. 🙂