People unfold, and yet, we tend to stick to the assumptions we make about who we think that they should be. We decide that because someone works in a particular profession or goes to therapy, or is “charming, good-looking, smart” that this means something about them and their ability to love us and be in a relationship.
In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I explain why it’s time to shelve the assumptions. It turns out, people can be more than one thing. Or, they can have what appear to be certain desirable qualities and also have other less desirable ones and/or make a poor relationship partner.
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Some nuggets from the episode:
- “In the beginning, they were just so crazy about me. They wanted to be around me all the time. Why didn’t it stay like that?” Um, because it was the beginning.
- When we expect people to stay exactly as they were (or assumed them to be in the beginning, it’s like we don’t want our perception of them or the relationship itself, to grow. We’re thinking, I want to take a snapshot of you on day 0, day 5 or the pinnacle moment of when I think you’re wonderful, and I don’t want you to deviate from that. This way, I don’t have to be vulnerable. I don’t have to risk anything because I will know exactly what to expect.
We jump to conclusions. “They’re charming, good-looking, smart — what more could I ask for?” Errrr, a hell of a lot!
- We think that we can tell who somebody is from looking at them or from the assumptions we make about what makes someone a person of value as if to say they can only be one thing or how we perceive them. We’ve got to stop trying to box people in. We’ve got to stop trying to stick the beginning and our assumptions.
Big blind spot: “It’s not possible for them to be shady/emotionally unavailable because they go to therapy.” Yes, it is.
- If going to therapy is somewhat performative in nature, a box-ticking exercise where they can say to people, “Look, I go to therapy” as if that action in itself speaks for who they are, that’s not going to lead to them doing the work they need to do.
- Fallback Girls/Guys who get involved with Mr/Miss Unavailables provide an ego stroke, shoulder to lean on, sex and other fringe benefits of a relationship without actually having to receive commitment and love, care, trust and respect. And they assume that they are giving these things (and that the other person is receiving them) because they’re in a relationship.
- We think that people owning up to “past” issues (while often continuing to behave that way in the present) or saying that they don’t want to hurt us makes them ‘self-aware’. “I know I can be manipulative at times.”; “I know that I’ve been narcissistic in the past.”
- Sometimes they’re saying “I don’t want to hurt you” because they’re aware that they’re benefitting from what hurts you. It’s almost like they’re saying “I’m sorry that you’ve fallen for me”. We mistake this for empathy when what they’re really doing is giving themselves an out. When things eventually come to a head, they’ll say, “I told you that I didn’t want to hurt you. I told you what the situation was.
You haven’t been ‘robbed’ when someone doesn’t live up to the picture you’ve painted in your mind. What have you been robbed of? Your assumptions? Your expectations?
- People aren’t just one thing. Even serial killers having their charming moments and people who vouch for how helpful and kind they were.
Think back over past situations where you’ve beaten you up for being a bad judge of character or where you’ve felt baffled and hurt about who someone turned out to be.
- What were your first impressions of the people?
- Why did you think that they were so amazing? Or, how did you come to reach the original conclusions that you did about them being a particular type of person? Why did you, for example, believe that they were trustworthy?
- What did they tell you about themselves and what did you glean information from that caused you to reach that conclusion
Links mentioned
- Dirty John (Netflix)
- Trailer for The Ted Bundy Tapes
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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Whoa! I think I just had a breakthrough. It occurs to me that one of my blind spots or assumptions was that if a person was to open up to me about their (usually troubled) past relationships or confide in me etc, then I would equate that to “this person must like me” and/or a relationship must ensue. Or they must be human and capable of being in a relationship or wanting a relationship or even emotionally available.
When in truth, There was no display of values or character for that matter.
It would activate my rescuer mode and the people pleasing would be on with a generous serving of sympathy. All the while ignoring my own needs and forgetting myself.
This was a huge blind spot for me in the past and I’m grateful to be made aware of it.
You’ve found a key missing piece in your picture of relationships. Now, what you were doing makes sense. It’s so easy in these situations to beat ourselves up and to wonder if there’s something wrong with us (or what the hell is up with them), but retracing our steps to the assumptions is key. It’s the foundation upon which we place our hopes and expectations that are in turn driving our attitude, thoughts and behaviour. Without those assumptions, you would have approached this relationship from an entirely different place — or got out much sooner.
I do this exact same thing with friendships?
Funny, I do the same with friendships only, in this case I take on the role of parent.
This must be some kind of behavior or habit I developed as a teenager. I recall all my friends telling me I was like a grandfather with all the advice etc. I’m also pretty sure that certain circumstances in my childhood and teen years made me almost grow up too soon.
what happens when a married woman is having an affair with Mr. Unavailable? I feel like the book is written just for my situation! I thought I was the one, special.. not so much but he still wants to be friends since he needs me in his life…help
I’m no expert, but the fact that you’re married kind of makes you unavailable as well.
I’m sure there’s more to this.
In an affair, neither party is available. The affair is symptomatic of avoidance. Of using external solutions to solve internal issues or as an escape. The thing is, now you’ve escaped to Mr Unavailable but are experiencing pain where you thought you’d experience an escape. And you were an ideal escape for him because the relationship didn’t have to amount to anything, and so he could say whatever and do whatever, and he wouldn’t really have to deliver. When you think about what he ‘needs’ you in his life for, it becomes quite apparent that it wouldn’t be healthy to continue. It’s worth considering what he represents. What is the fantasy? Why do you need to feel special in this way? When you consider who it is from your past that you still crave to feel special around, that likely gives you some clues about why you’re so drawn to him.
You’ve nailed it….I’m escaping the lack of attention and affection that I don’t get in my marriage…he needs me for an ego stroke, to feel whole and confident, to save him from his sadness (told me so). I fill his void from a recent break up…we stroke each other’s egos, we have a “connection”. Now it has ended, and I feel lost and relieved all at the same time…but of course he wants to remain in contact as friends…and my mind needs some peace but at the same time I long to hear from him…
I am escaping the lack of attention and affection in my marriage…me and my affair partner stroke each other’s egos, have a connection and similar interests and likes as well as professions…we support each other…but it’s not real, I understand we are using each other for an escape, but I also thought it was something real…that was my fantasy, to have a man that is unconditional, loves me despite and likes me because…
he needed me to save him, to make him feel confident and whole, a distraction for his recent break up and his negative mind…10 years of knowing each other, 10 years of connection, these past 5 months an affair…he did everything the book said, now I need to let go… desensitize from the polite keeping in touch texts…despite my longing,