Emma, 27 from London asks “I was essentially seeing a guy for just two months…but basically it never occurred to me that he was emotionally unavailable until I read some of the articles on your site!
We would be in constant contact but usually via text – he put it down to language barriers and as I have had relationships with men from different countries before, I knew exactly how it felt to not understand your significant other over the phone so I thought little of it, especially as if I were to call him he would always answer!
I thought everything was going fine… but then out of the blue he dumps me! He wants to see other people, and out of respect to me he doesn’t want to play with my feelings, and then came the “I’d love to be your friend.” I wouldn’t mind but just the day before he had made plans for us to go out together the following day – the day on which he ended up dumping me! Now I know sh*t happens but I really can’t see why an emotionally unavailable man puts all that effort in!! He never once disappeared, he would show an interest in me and when we were out together I’d hang with him and his friends and he’d be really affectionate…. so what happened?
I ultimately told him we couldn’t be friends and he retaliated in the most childish of ways. I have since cut all contact and he has nothing left to say to me it seems, which whilst it hurts is ultimately fine. I don’t need a guy who can just dump on me when a new shiny thing comes along, and then not understand or respect the fact that I’m hurt. He ultimately told me that he wouldn’t want to be my friend based upon how I reacted ie. telling him I can’t be his friend and I hope he has a nice life!
Anyway I’m guessing I just need to gain an insight into this… Is he actually emotionally unavailable or simply just weird?? My friend insists he’s scared. I by no means agree but I just don’t know how I didn’t see this unavailability in him!”
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The key things here that tell you all you need to know:
1) If you can text, you can speak. If you want the relationship to progress, you’ll speak. In fact, if you want the relationship to progress, you’ll make an effort, after all, how exactly did he expect you both to ever learn how to communicate if he was going to play the language barrier card? I see he had no language issues when it came to ‘dumping’ you though….
2) Texting as a predominant form of communication is an act of laziness and a show of an absence of effort. See my recent post on this.
3) He wants to see other people. That says it all really…
4) Relationship issues don’t just ‘spring up’ on you and change how you feel about someone over the course of 24 hours…. You also don’t decide that you want to start seeing other people on a whim…unless you’ve already been buttering your bread on both sides and keeping your options open and were never actually invested in the relationship with both feet in.
5) People put in all sorts of effort to ensure that they get what they want. The difference is though that what you regard as a lot of effort, others would regard as a lack of effort. That said, many Mr Unavailables will make a lot of effort initially because they like to win you over but pull the rug out from under your feet the moment that they think that you need, want, or expect too much from them. At the end of the day, there’s no point trying to rationalise the irrational of why someone put in some effort. Concern yourself with where you are now with him…which is nowhere…
6) Demoting you from girlfriend/lover to friend is lip service done by many a man. It’s called a last act of trying to eradicate the obvious fact that they have done something shitty and hurtful. More often than not, they don’t want to be your friend; they want to assuage their conscience and ego and believe they aren’t assclowns, they want to leave the door open, and for some, they want to ensure that should they need a shag or an ego stroke, they know exactly who to turn to. Also read ‘Can’t We Just Be Friends‘.
7) His reaction to your declining the friendship says it all really! He claims language barriers but sure knows how to pull some master strokes. Suddenly, it’s not that you have a legitimate reason for being annoyed with him about treating you in the way he did when you broke up. Now it’s that you’re not worthy of being his friend because you won’t do things on his terms. And I hope you do realise that everything is on this man’s terms whether you’re the girlfriend or friend.
8) ‘Scared’ is a word overused by women to justify sticking with poor partners and relationships. It gives them a legitimate excuse to write off poor behaviour and men who are uncommitted and attempt to fix, heal, help them and be the woman that sticks at their sides. If he has issues with commitment, he’s not much use to you anyway. While you can understand someone being scared of relationships, it would also be an indicator that he is not at an emotionally healthy place to have a relationship anyway. You also have to remind yourself that even if he was scared (which I don’t believe he is), that doesn’t excuse his behaviour.
At the end of the day, whether he’s emotionally unavailable or weird, or scared for that matter, that’s not the point – you could spend oodles of time trying to analyse or understand his behaviour and it is unlikely to achieve very much. What I do know is he’s not available now, emotionally or otherwise, and communicating predominantly by text is not conducive to building a healthy emotional connection.
You didn’t see the unavailability in him because you had created an explanation for his behaviour and believe that this is how things are because of your previous relationship experiences.
It doesn’t matter where he’s from; if you’re going to be in a relationship with someone, the barrier is not going to come down by not communicating.
Not to limit your multi-cultural relationship opportunities, but I would also be careful of building a pattern of being involved with men from abroad who have language barriers that you don’t understand because it’s a bit like repeatedly setting your relationship up to flounder. If you want to be serious about guys like this, you’d better find a way to overcome this so that your relationship can move forward. But also be careful that it doesn’t mask an attraction to men who are ‘unavailable’.
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I do not allow texting, as I don’t understand this concept, or its appeal. If I am not with you, I want to hear your voice. Apparently, there was no language barrier when you were together, so that excuse never would have rang true with me.
Scared = emotionally unavailable excuse. We all fear going into a relationship. It makes us vulnerable, and vulnerability is scary.
You didn’t say, but I’m curious, was there ever a discussion regarding commitment, or being exclusive, to begin with? If there wasn’t then you were never in a relationship to begin with.
I’m also curious as to whether this guy broke up via text.
You are doing the right thing to cut this man off COMPLETELY. Close that door and lock it! If you don’t you are teaching him that his behavior is okay, and it will only get worse, and be a matter of time, and pain before the end anyway.
~Best Wishes~
@ searchingwithin – I’m working on not allowing texting, but I’d like to know how you go about it. Do you tell other people to not text you? Do you respond to the first one? Do you just ignore it? I know how I feel about texting, but it’s like trying to change culture to get others to respect my feelings. Thanks!
Emma,
In a real relationship, you have to make allowance for the body issue – that bodies react to each other when close, as in family, friends, concerts, public events, etc. Time spent sharing breathes (sitting near each other) builds bonds. Relying on phone calls is a problem in a relationship, because you don’t share breathes (hormones, pheromones), and you don’t get the body language and other visual cues. Texting restricts your interaction even further – you lose even the variations in voice, tone, breathing, and hesitations or other pacing cues.
The cues and information we miss, with restricted communication (i.e., face to face in a small area), we make up. If we are talking on webcam, we might come pretty close. But with phone? We make up those missing visual cues. Sometimes we deceive ourselves, sometimes we are deceived by who we talk to. Texting gets way into imagining a whole world, that can be a lot different from reality.
Texting is great for technical information “What is circumference of a circle?” “C = 2 pi R”. But what if the other caller doesn’t know – or wants to pull a prank? “C = 2 pi x diameter”. Sounds good, right? “I really want to see you tomorrow!” face to face – you will likely sense if something is wrong. On the phone, with practice – you might never know. Texting – there is very little reality there to reinforce or contradict your imagination about how much he really cares, and really wants to see you.
Texting doesn’t have to be bad in a relationship. If both sides are honest, cherish each other, have no communication issues. And the texts never discuss anything about the relationship. “Bring home some milk.” “Got it.” (This is my own feeling, YMMV).
You are asking a lot of questions, about why he did this, and why that. The biggest thing, for me, is that you have to respect him. What that means now, is to accept his statement that he doesn’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with you. If he feels that way – respect that. Accept that. Wish him well and goodbye. (Too many times ignorant or abusive people will try to hang on while messing around behind your back.) At this point, what he felt, why he acted – don’t matter a lot. Most of wanting to understand what and why he did is about arguing with him to change his mind – which is a problem, if you respect his word, and his feelings.
Of course, part of the reason for understanding comes from wanting to avoid problems and hurts in the future. I do disagree with NML about one thing – I think it is entirely possible for someone’s feelings to change in a heartbeat. Life changing moments happen – someone hurts you or does something unforgivable. The birth of a child, discovering someone you care about immensely – there are moments that happen, that can seldom be undone in a life time.
Did something jerk his chain, did he come to a grand life realization about something? Dunno. Doesn’t matter, at this point. But I imagine that he either sensed a change, or pondered and finally reached a decision, and chose to drop any intimacies with you.
Now that you know you are drawn to a longer-term relationship – you might avoid “perpetual daters.” Look for guys that are honest, good character, have good emotional bonds with family and friends, yada, yada, good with kids and small animals. Look for someone that does *not* hang out a pickup spots, that avoid guys that pick up chicks for the night.
And try to understand what this last guy was, or did, that appealed to something in you – that let you pick him in the first place, and stay when he wasn’t meeting your needs. Because that same attraction makes the next guy likely to have the same relationship issues.
Luck!
Joni,
I just tell people I don’t text. Simple. No one has responded in a negative way.
This article came at the perfect time!
I would hope you would do one about the shy/social phobic/nice guy sometime.
These guys use their social phobia to be ACs.
The last AC we communicated mostly by text and im because we were internationally long distance.
He would just stop replying in the middle of a conversation; well if you can call any text session a conversation.
After I moved here, he decided it was too costly to spend $30 or so a month for mobile credit so he can call and text me from his mobile. Yeah cheap skate but would go out and blow $100 on some computer game for himself.
I should post the actual last text he sent me telling me he wasn’t going to be texting me anymore. 🙂
“I have no credit now so no more text from me until I recharge around Mayish.”
It was December!
This guy used his social phobia all the time. I had asked him to fly back with me to the states and asked him to ask for time off of work.
Later he tells me he is too scared to ask his boss for time off work.
So I go on the trip alone as usual because he is also too afraid to fly that far.
Funny thing is that just a week after I got back, he managed to ask his boss for a week off to look for a new flat! Hmm wasn’t too afraid then was he.
So yeah when I think back anything I asked him to do, there was always some excuse why he couldn’t but he certainly could do the same thing for himself. His fears and shyness and social phobia didn’t get in the way at all.
I also made excuses for his because of the long distance. Well after I moved here the communication didn’t get any better. His pattern became that he would blank me all week and then all of a sudden I would exist again on the weekend.
Tina ,
Was this guy shy or just making excuses?
Hi Gaynor,
He seemed to be shy or maybe anti social? He was a loner with no friends. His shyness never got in the way of the things he wanted to do though.
It seems if I asked him to do something or go somewhere, he couldn’t because of his shyness but he was perfectly capable of getting on a bus, plane, going to a restaurant, etc. when it suited him.
Tina,
Unfortunately, that pretty much says it all. We all have to watch the actions that’s all that is important.
What attracted you to him?
Thanks for your comments Gaynor.
What initially attracted me to him is that he seemed like a genuinely nice guy. He seemed to really listen to me and was very attentive at first. We had this amazing psychic connection to where we would say the same thing at the same time and do the same thing at the same time. I think his poor downtrodden victim act got to me too.
He would tell me the saddest sob stories about how his dog died on his birthday etc etc.
Then the real him showed up.
Tina,
Sounds like the perpetual victim. How long did you date?
I still can’t believe that he had no intention of putting credit on his phone till May. Mr God. Does this clown actually believe that you would be there for him at that point??? What a loser!!!
I meant My God
Gaynor,
Sadly and embarrassingly, I saw him for 4 years and moved to another country for him. 🙁
Oh he thought I would just keep on accepting being blanked all week and then one phone call on the weekend. I guess he didn’t want to make too many phone calls from his house phone. He might have to spend an additional 20 cents. Yuk!
Yeah he is the perpetual victim. He loved it. Got him a lot of attention. He’d post on this forum we both went to how he didn’t get anything for Christmas. He told porkys constantly about things like that. His mum sent him $50 and some clothes. His sister sent him something. I made him a lovely home-cooked dinner. He never wanted to exchange gifts at any time.
The final straw actually was something his did to his mum. He never would tell his family about me. Always had some excuse.
I was over his house and she had called and then my mobile rung and I answered it and went out to the hall to talk. I came back in and he was no longer talking to her. I said done already? It had only been 5 minutes. She usually talks an hour. His phone rings again and I could hear her in the background asking what on earth happened. They suddenly got disconnected. I had to leave to pick up someone but in the car it dawned on me what had really happened.
He had hung up on his own mother because he didn’t want her to hear my voice in the background.
Later on he gave me some bs excuse why he wasn’t going to tell his mum about me. He said one time they were talking about celebrities and she strongly disapproved of age gap relationships and he told me he didn’t want ME to cause her any drama during her cancer treatments.
Ugh! Yeah she really does have cancer but the rest is some bold faced lie he made up.
I left that day and haven’t spoken to him since. He has been trying to call but I never answer.
Tina,
He never told his family about you??? Gigantic red flag!!!!!!!!!!! Please don’t ever speak to this idiot again, you deserve so much better/
I met a clown like this last year. Initially I was cool with texting because I was talking to other people and wasn’t interested in a relationship right away. I was just getting back into the game after 5 years of not being in a relationship and I was trying to learn what I like and don’t like. In addition, I knew that at some point I’d want to hit it off with someone and become exclusive and he made it quite clear that he did NOT want a relationship because he didn’t “believe in labels and titles”. *rolls eyes*
Well, me and the clown talked for quite some time and I began to like him some but he got worse with the texting and pretty much stopped calling. “My job is keeping me real busy, I won’t be available until August.” Mind you, this was in May. :-/ I liked him, but not enough to be stupid. I was talking to other people so I said “Okay” and quickly dismissed him. Thank goodness I didn’t have sex with him.
When he decided to text me out of the blue in August as if we could go back to the way things were when we first started talking, he had the nerve to act upset that I was talking to other men at the same time as him! I told him that he was full of shit and really didn’t care that I was talking to other people and that he needed to cut out the how-dare-you act. I also told him that we never had an exclusivity agreement, as that is what HE clearly specified when we were talking. (And by the way, that WHOLE conversation was via text. Dumb ass.)
He still texts me from time to time even though I made it clear that I’m not interested in him. As a matter-of-fact, he sent me a text message yesterday! “Hey, long time, how are you doing?” Don’t worry…… I ignored it. 😉
That assclown can get out of here. Mr. ph2072 suits me just fine. 8)
I have a question for Natalie. I have searched the archives and wasn’t able to find an answer to this question.
The times I told him he was being disrespectful he claims he didn’t know he was and didn’t know what I am talking about.
Do they really not know they are behaving this way? I just can’t fathom how they wouldn’t know.
Cheers
Tina,
Sometimes we make mistakes, step on toes we didn’t know were there. When you move to a new town, things are always different. People make different assumptions because “everyone knows”, except it is clear to a visitor that the folks here drive different, different rules are enforced. Stores advertise different, there are different expectations all around, from customer service to credit.
A relationship is new territory for most people, at least the first time. Some people are observant, some are well-taught, some are trainable and learn quickly. But not everyone.
Think of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Then-President Clinton convinced Congress, and apparently our Secretary of State, his wife Hillary, that without penetration he wasn’t cheating. Gack.
Could the guy have been doing things that weren’t respectful? Sure. Depending on how he was raised, who he grew up with, his school, etc. the answer is absolutely.
Where things broke down – aside from how he was only dating, and never was in a relationship with you – is that you and he never communicated and learned what the other meant by respect. This isn’t universal, respect is always defined in social terms. If his social rules don’t match yours, one or both of you have to adapt.
But you have to choose. Because there is a difference between having different expectations and not respecting the other. And you cannot accept disrespect and thrive.
I am not sure what disrespect you accused him of. Was it disrespect, or were your expectations different? Did he do it deliberately or carelessly, or was it an honest mistake?
Did he know he wasn’t being respectful? What matters to me, is that he didn’t change, didn’t acknowledge he made a mistake – and didn’t work to avoid making that mistake in the future. He might not have understood what he did was inappropriate. Fine. But he should have been bright enough to feel a need to figure out what went wrong, and have enough respect for you to want to avoid disappointing you again.
He wasn’t trainable.
You cannot compare his comment about no credit for a phone, with purchase of a game or other personal purchase. The only thing important there was that he had cut you off from any expectation of a relationship years before, only you were hanging on believing there was something there. He was just dating.
You really weren’t interested in a relationship, either, though. It isn’t a relationship if you are content with text-only exchanges. Well, maybe if you were using real letters and snail mail, with the expectation that family and friends are going to read and comment on each letter, on both sides. That is, a respectful, considered courtship, above-board and non-sexually intimate, and all out in public view. That doesn’t happen much any more.
But you weren’t getting conversations, you weren’t getting any intimacy – getting to know and be a part of each other’s lives. You dated. And you were content for four years. Was he merely responding to your ambivalence, or was he relieved you weren’t interested in something more? Dunno.
I disagree with Brad on the part of comparing the no credit for the phone with a purchase of a game or other personal purchase. (True enough it might not matter now in the grander scheme of things because the relationship is over, but it’s still a disrespectful, thoughtless behavior.)
Maybe she couldn’t compare if it was something he really needed, but he doesn’t need an expensive game. It only further goes to show his lack of respect for her and their relationship and should be recognized for exactly what it was. Sometimes in getting over these types of men, women do need to remember all the ways the man was hurtful in order to move on and forget the good times. Because in a dysfunctional relationship there are quite a few really good times, because what these guys do is blow hot/over compensate when they’re scared to lose you.
Just because she put up with poor treatment for a little too long doesn’t mean he has any excuse for his behavior. True she might have made it easier for him to be an assclown, but that doesn’t make it right. And behaving like an irresponsible, grown child with his money makes him more of an ass clown (big red flag!)
Hi Brad,
I don’t quite get your post. Respect and disrespect are clearly defined in the dictionary. There are things that are disrespectful and most everyone would agree they would be.
Also please explain how he was content with dating and so was I?
Would you mind clarifying your points in your post?
Cheers
Hi guys!
Thanks for the comments. It’s actually my query you are responding to! All I have to say on the matter is that I am beyond fine with the situation now! In fact, deep down I always was. I was just amazed by the behaviour. I have never known it before (incidentally he did do the dumping via text!) With hindsight we weren’t right for each other on so many levels. I guess I was just blindsided by the fact we were so good with each other when we were together but hey! That’s life…. Besides, since writing my query I have seen just how untrustworthy he is and yet again, he is twisting it so he can play the victim and I am apparently delusional! He was out on a date with another girl (which was so beyond fine with me! There was absolutely no drama!) and yet when it came up in conversation, he virtually told me I was imagining things! That in fact he hadn’t been out with anyone else… oh and then he topped it off we I care for you!! Ha trust me…. no contact will not be hard!!
Oh I should add that I bumped into them on that night!! I saw them with my own eyes… and as I said before there was no drama so the lying was totally immature and really unnecessary! I have most certainly had a lucky escape!
@ Tina – Respect and disrespect are about perception. If he has poor values, it is unlikely that he will recognise what he takes as his normal behaviour as inappropriate. Sometimes they do know but lie, sometimes they really don’t know (pretty scary), and sometimes they know on some level but choose to ignore it or the ego comes rearing up. If he’s not the type to admit that he’s wrong or be introspective, it’s unlikely that he can see past his nose.
These men aren’t empathetic so to expect them to grasp that their behaviour is inappropriate is quite a stretch.
Even though you can’t fathom it, unfortunately you will have to because what you know, think and feel, are very different to what he knows, thinks, and feels and one of the problems in these relationships is assuming that the other party has the same feelings, knowledge etc as you.
Ultimately though – it doesn’t really come down to whether he does or doesn’t know that he’s being disrespectful – disrespectful is disrespectful – he’s crossed the line. It’s not about whether he thinks its disrespectful – it’s about whether you do. You don’t need him to validate it and if someone has been disrespectful, particularly on a habitual basis, it’s a waste of energy trying to get them to understand, explain, or justify it.
I really need your last post today NML. I find it hard myself to understand or even begin to comprehend these types of men. I am stuck in the part where I keep thinking that one day he will realize, appreciate and or admitt that he is an extremely selfish person and validate for me all of the times i was there for him….and all of the things that I did to help him. It is hard for me to accept for some reason that he was not a good partner nor a friend. It was always about him and whenever I needed something he always had an excuse or was just too lazy to do anything about it (to be honest I don’t even know the why’s). I guess I took this personally because I just didn’t and don’t understand how you can be sooo non-empathetic and not realize how you impact others by it. I feel I am very conscious of how I treat others and when a good person/friend comes along I certainly try to be the same in return….. I guess I just expected that from him. He would say…. I appreciate you…..I love you…. blah blah blah but actions speak louder than words. While I am no longer with my EUM (thank god) I still find myself asking myself if he really understands why I broke it off with him, and why I am hurt and realize that he may never understand regardless of the many times that I tried to explain it to him and we always wound up disagreeing with me of course never really being able to get him to atleast say … Im sorry— or ok— I will try. Instead it was always: You choose to see things that way, and things always ended up being MY FAULT!!!! without any real feeling of being understood or coming to some form of resolution. It was exhausting until I two years later I realized that I was never going to get through to him and that all that I had done for him was time wasted. I can’t say that the hurt doesn’t surface from time to time because just like you said: I guess I keep thinking that what I think and feel is the same as what he thinks and feels when in fact it is very different!! Perhaps this is the hardest part to try to understand and not to sound like a victim– but to a certain extent I can’t help but to feel like one sometimes. I feel like I came across this person– didn’t realize or pay attention to the signs (or wasn’t as informed as I am now) and fell deep into this mess that I still struggle to get over. I will take your last words however that ultimately it doesn’t really come down to whether he does or doesnt know that the way he behaved and treated me was wrong…….I felt it was wrong! He always lied, he always had an excuse and he used words like I LOVE YOU but never really walked the talk. I will try to remember that it is a waste of time and energy to continue to think that one day he may understand and to remind myself that these types of men are not empathetic and or introspective (well at least mine wasn’t) and that I have to try to move on way past needing him to validate things for me. Just don’t understand why that part hurts soo much?? Is it regret that I gave soo much? Is it the feeling of emptiness because there was so little reciprication? I can’t help but to feel hurt and don’t know how to move past that.
Trying to keep strong!!
Karen,
read your post and this guy sounds like a real “winner.” I don’t think it’s validation you are looking for, but rather just some basic “respect.” This guy clearly didn’t have that for you – which by the way is not because of anything you did or did not do for him. I can understand why you would feel hurt by his behavior, but trying to make him understand how you feel is pointless – he won’t get it because he doesn’t WANT to get it. Be thankful that he is out of your life and know that the next time you will be able to recognize this behavior early on and know the appropriate action to take.
Thanks Mike! Glad to see you are still on here! Very helpful!! 🙂
Karen – OMG! I know I have said this before but I keep thinking we were with the same EUM. Anyways, I too go in phases of trying to sort all the things out with my EUM and nothing makes sense.
I was so similar to you, trying to talk things through and he would turn everything around as if it were my fault. I just could not comprehend how this guy could be so mean, have no empathy and kept me thinking I was the one with problem. Not him. I’m not saying of course that I didn’t have a problem ( I know what it is now) but there has been no other relationship in my life which took so much from me and left me feeling so empty.
I too feel the hurt, but struggle moving past it. I keep thinking to myself, how much longer is this going to take? I’m not just lying around feeling sorry for myself, but at the most stupid moments the hurt resurfaces, and we are supposed to feel the emotion and let it pass. But that’s the kicker, it doesn’t f*cking pass as quickly as I’d like. I’m sick of it, and I keep forcing myself to keep busy, to work out more, to do things for me. It’s all good there, but when this emotion comes up it just hangs on and like this past weekend it hung with me the whole darn time.
Mike I appreciate your feedback. And what you’re saying does make perfect sense. It could be just a simple validation from the guy stating, “I know what I did was wrong, you’re a good person you didn’t deserve being treated like that and I’m sorry.” Period. But Karen and many of us like her didn’t get it, we’ll never get it and it could be the missing link to solving our pain and suffering. Somehow, some way we have to give that validation to ourselves. But it’s hard.
Thank you NML. What you said makes perfect sense. I think I was assuming he had similar values to me as he seemed to get it when he would see others doing something wrong but really, it had to do with he could see when others slighted HIM and seemed to be incapable of seeing he was doing the same to others; no empathy for others.
You’re right. It doesn’t really matter if they know or not. What matters is the disrespectful behaviour. Hanging up on your mum is disrespectful and it would be to everyone.
Karen, yes it is good you are rid of him. They do have a way of twisting things around to make you look like the bad guy always. Mike is right. They don’t get it because they don’t want to get it. It is all about them.
It is hard at times but it really is good to be rid of him. I can’t believe how happier and freer I feel.
Well what a coincidence. The aforementioned assclown in my last post called. Saw the number, laughed, and pressed “ignore” on the phone.
*shaking head and laughing*
Hi Everyone. Due to a technical fault with the previous service which notifies you by email when I publish a new post, I have had to move to a new provider. The error means you will now need to sign up to the Feedblitz service if you want to start receiving emails again. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Thanks Natalie/NML