But of course, there is more.
I relate to Oprah’s admission that she felt pathetic and powerless. Often, when we are involved with attached men they reduce us to feeling or acting pathetic and they (and we) remove our power. I remember often feeling helpless and I attributed it to this overwhelming amount of feeling I had for him, but in fact, the helplessness arose from being stripped of everything I knew that was right and wrong about relationships, and also the good things about myself. All the arguing, discussing, crying, threats, ultimatums, crying, screaming, and whatever else you’re doing, reduce you to feeling utterly powerless as you go round and round in a vicious circle where he never does leave ‘her’ but he keeps screwing with your mind to keep you invested. But what gets me most is that aside from feeling deep regret about my actions with him, I look back and see not only how pathetic I was at times but also remember the pitying looks that some people use to give me. How often did I hear the words “You can do better”; “He really isn’t worth it”, and “What’s a great girl like you doing with a lying cheat?”
But by the same token, while I realise what assclowns these men are, I also recognise that you are totally responsible for your actions. I chose to get into it, I could have chosen to get out of it, and eventually I did exactly that. It is very easy to point the finger at these guys and by God do they need a big finger pointing session, however, I am a grown woman and if I had placed a higher value on myself, and lived by th
e values that I normally hold myself and everyone else to, there was no way on earth that I would have allowed him to juggle us both.
You need to be in a pretty dark and dubious place to be with someone else’s man. I had broken off an engagement two months before and I really thought I was an independent, single woman passing time by having some no strings fun. Two twos and I was so hooked in and dependent on him validating me. I look back with the wonders of 20:20 hindsight vision and realise that I had not healed from the demise of my engagement, that I had a whole lot of issues about myself and relationships that I was trying to avoid, and that being involved with him kept me as far as possible from a committed relationship.
OWs don’t want a committed relationship because we have issues about commitment. I think that often we look at these attached guys and think that because they’re married or in a long term relationship that it demonstrates that they are capable of commitment but that they’re just in an unfortunate situation. However, his actions demonstrate that he’s not committed to anyone other than himself and my actions showed that despite my proclamations of wanting to be in a proper relationship, I couldn’t possibly have wanted this because I sought out the one man who was incapable of giving it. We like the fantasy of what things could be like if only he’d leave her and in order to continue being with him, we have to take ourselves out of the present and focus on the ifs of the potential we see.
Unless you are a rhino, no matter what you say, OWs do get hurt. I used to be all, “I’m strong. I can handle this!” and then it was a matter of months before it was sobbing-o-clock. I know many OWs who profess that they are totally fine with things and that they don’t hurt and they are either completely disconnected emotionally, which is an even bigger problem, or they’re talking out of their bums with bravado. To suggest that you’re not hurting from this, is to suggest that you don’t care about him or what he is doing, which begs the question: Why are you involved with him then?
For some women, being with someone else’s man is a power trip, particularly if you get involved with a high achieving, successful man, or even a work colleague who holds a superior position to you. Initially I thought I was this powerful woman in control of her life and just screwing a guy for fun. I liked seeing how under my spell he appeared to be but at some point the tables turned and clarity arrived showing me that I didn’t have any power at all, after all, if I had, I’d have walked away! Sometimes the power is derived from knowing that you have someone else’s man in the palm of your hand and this is actually quite twisted. It’s never just about the sex or the power because we get drawn in emotionally, particularly when the sex is great, and there is only so much power you can derive from a man who pops up when it suits and then skips home to his wife or girlfriend.
You become a master at expecting less and living off crumbs. In terms of a relationship, OWs represent a person in a third world country struggling for food. What little ‘food’ and ‘sustenance’ you get, you’re very grateful for but that doesn’t detract from the fact that you’re still ‘hungry’ and you’re still lacking. Being with an attached man and pretending that you’re OK with things is a bit like when you break your leg but try to downplay the pain because there are other people out there with bigger problems than you. Yes that may be so, but the leg’s still feckin broken and the leg still feckin hurts! The trouble with being an OW is that you’re always chasing the loaf but keep getting the crumbs and an occasional crust while the main woman gets the greater part of the bread, and this also represents all that is missing out of your life. He’s not rationalising her down to crumbs to give you the main chunk! It’s the other way round!
I love it when a plan comes together…but that just doesn’t happen for OWs. From the moment that we realise that we’re in too deep and that he’s not exactly rushing to leave her, we always have a plan to extricate ourselves. The plan just doesn’t come together though so you’re revising and editing it, justifying why you should hold on for a little longer. Deadlines come and go, ultimatums quickly become redundant and after a while you’re too scared of what will happen if you do go.
As an OW you live in fear, whether it’s acknowledged or not. We are scared of not being able to find someone who treats us properly and doesn’t have the baggage of a wife and girlfriend. We’re afraid that if we leave, they’ll think that we didn’t love them enough and that we abandoned them and then they’ll decide to stay with their wives. We’re afraid that if we walk away, we’ll discover that he’s left her but gone to someone else. We’re afraid that if we walk away, he’ll still be with her in five years time which make you have to face the cold, hard, reality. We’re afraid of committing to ourselves so instead we commit to someone who is doomed to disappoint us and make us feel less than.
Check out part one and part three.
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Well, yes I agree with the articles but they seem to focus entirely on how the OW gets a bad deal. There is a big difference between the average Mr Unavailable and the guy in a relationship. The existence of a wife and/or a family at the other end. This gets a mention at the beginning of the first article (cite Oprah) but not anywhere else (maybe article number three?). By being the other woman you are actually hurting somebody else than just yourself. Sure the guy might be a jerk, but that is still a terrible blow to his family.
These articles are straight to the point about being the OW. Yes he is a manipulator to the wife as well. The wife is someone we do need to discus but for now im looking at this article lean more for me personally being the OW. Well I once was. Realizing that we all seem to think our MM are different from the others. When all in all they are not. What im getting out of this article is what we all have or are going through with our MM at some point. Reading about the Wife would be an interesting topic the truth about His Wife because yes she is there and she is hurting and she is real. For now im glad to read what has been posted. I felt very alone being the OW. embarrassed to tell family or friends I was in love with one. No one to talk with what I was feeling. To read about someone else who has felt the same love, pain , hurt and anger in the same way as me has helped me tremendously. Thanks for these post.
I write as an OW too. the thing is that I don’t beleive that he took my power. he never got close enough to me to even really see me. I GAVE my power up, thinking if I tried harder he’d leave her, if I worked smarter, if I was this or that, that I’d “win” him! That was ME who did that.
Sure, I was putty in his hands, but I did that to myself, and I broke my own heart.
I have also been the wife and been cheated on, and let me tell you, that sort of heart break is completely different– that REALLY is betrayal, that really is being devastated, having the rug pulled out from under you. If you can’ trust your life partner, who can you trust?
I realized I’d rather be the OW than the betrayed Wife anyday. He really is breaking her heart, and maybe his own. But mine? I am breaking my own because I am doing something I know I shouldn’t. From the get-go, I knew I shouldn’t. And he never lied to me or gave me the impression he would leave her, or loved me more. I made up the seriousness of the content of our connection, and my psyche took that ball and run with it, making us, in my mind and heart, a way more serious deal than in fact we were.
It’s the nature of the role of OW, and IMO, it’s the ROLE that reduces good strong beautiful women to little crumb gobbling mousy things.
the men in question… they are really no big deal. NO one takes advantage of you without your consent.
If you are an OW and not having a good time, don’t drag it out. It can go on forever. Just stop being stupid, grow up, and do what you know you probably should have done already.
If it’s still fun and not bothering you when he’s away, then enjoy it while it lasts– remembering you’re outta there the moment you no longer feel good.
Otter
Hey Otter, That was painfully direct. Its truthful.
Hmmm, even more thought provoking that Part 1.
The big one that got me was the attaching yourself to an attached man because YOU are emotionally unavailable…for whatever reason.
I honestly believe that is true. From both personal experience and from hearing friends stories (male and female- there are OM’s out there too)
I think that we try to save ourselves the pain of yet another doomed relationship by having a relationship that is already doomed to begin with, and we know it. No surprises, no hope, no real commitment whatsoever.
No matter how delusional we might get thinking they might leave their spouse, we do go right into it knowing this. We do, even if we choose to ignore our gut.
So, that might be what we want or need at that point in time. But at who’s expense? Ours? His? His family’s? Easy to get caught up and trapped in a life of non-commitment…but as Otter said above. When it ain’t fun anymore, get out, FAST.
Ah man, what’s life without drama eh? We would be in a blogless world that’s for sure!
🙂
I’m the OW and up until now just felt alone, ashamed & consumed. Constantly consumed.
I’m trying to give excuses for my MM and whether he is just stuck in a situation or just an EUM. He never wanted to commit to his wife, but she gave him an ultimatum and he couldn’t be bothered to put up and fight or start gain, that is the first red flag.
Reading all the forums has helped, but I toss back and forth from ‘thats it, its over’ to ‘he’s the love of my life, I’ll’ wait’. Its pathetic and knowing that his wife is right in thinking he’s having an affair and him being able to still go on seeing me, makes me feel sick sometimes. He has a kid and the last thing I want is to break his heart and hers. Though if there was a pill to take all this hurt away, I’m not sure I’d take it because its addictive. I think I’m addicted to being unhappy. I got married 4 years ago, after a difficult period we sorted everything out, I got over his infedelity, not like me at all, I’m jelaous and insecure. I couldn’t let him go, after 6 months I gradually let him back in, he was like a puppy, did everything for me, we we’re really happy for a long time.
Then I started a new job and met my MM. I’d walked through the door, sat next to him and within 5 miuntes that was it, smitten. After a few months, I liked him, even though he was married and acted like a ‘lad about town’. He was used to putting on a front. Then one day he came in all red eyed and tired, his kid was ill and they’d thought it was serious, he was distrought. That was it, I saw a side I wanted to see more of.
A year later, we’re on. off, on, off, he loves me, he avoids me, he loves his kid too much to leave, I love my husband, I want more from him, we argue, he hides. I know that me and my MM have no future, if we did we’d have committed to each other and owned up to our partners by now. We are unavailable to each other and our partners. How’s that for a screwy situation?
I said he needs to break up with me and mean it, but he says he can’t lie. I want kids soon, I can’t wait for him to get balls.
I suggested he got a job somewhere else near to where he lives (he travel 3hrs a day), then he’d be less stressed, get on with his misses and we could get on with our lives. He nearly went, then decided to stay, he jokes that it was because of me.
Is he EUM, he jokes and comes out with crass comments than actually talking about feelings?
Once you become a parent you are a role model. Everything you do must be an OK thing for you children to do (or OK for someone else to do to your children). I wonder how many women who cheat with married men would like to see thier daughter’s husbands cheater??? If you endorse infedility in you behavior it may revisit your life in unexpected ways.
Like the 55 year old married man with a 25 year old girlfriend. How would he like to see his 25 year old daughter dating his girlfriend’s father?
If it is OK it must be OK.
Wot if u are the other woman but u dont know it.I was in a relationship with a man who was totally leading me along…calling me multiple times…texting me…taking me to coffee….and all and we had even discussed this issue and he had said relationships did not work for him and he never wanted to loose me so we shud be friends and that i wud he his bestest friend and the special one and all and he needed time…then one night i get a strange fone call from a girl who asks me why i keep messaging him and calling him…even then i did not believe it..i messaged him and he said hell talk to me in the morning which he did and then tht girl continued to call me and told me she had been with that guy for the last six years…but i think she was also a cheat…..tht guy threatened me but never talked to me again…ultimately he potrayed me as a bad woman who was after him although it was the opposite way round.he told tht girl i was aged not good looking and dressed vulgar which is not true at all…and wot not….
i still miss him sometiomes we were getting along so well but then i think wot a loser he is…and i pity him….sometimes i am angry at him….
Wow I have been reading all these posts and I realize I am pathetic. But I think my mm is more pathetic. But then I’m pathetic because I still can’t walk away from NO promises… i know the score, but I fall for the “i love you so much” and it’s going into it’s 10th year. I am pathetic.
I have been TWO for well over a yr now & MM’s exactly as how u depicted. Yes, I’ve always thought mine was a unique situation (haha!) Sure feels dumb now though. There have been way too much tears, fears, lies, empty promises. Insanity comes after u realise U’ve cut all strings just to be with him & he has done absolutely nothing! Then health issues kick in due to depression. Then when he realises I’m getting smarter, freaks out & decided to end it, turning the blame ard. It’s painful for me, I’m raging mad but I feel that I’m really feelin sorry for Wifey cos she’s in the dark all this time 🙁
I need to really think twice or three times now esp. to a man who’s tellin me that he’d have waited his life if he had known I’d have turned up. LMFAO..
Total eye opener…I am an OW and last night when I was feeling oh-so-lonely and he was so not there for me, and I felt miserable, unloved and unworthy, I realised that if I continue with this guy, I have a lifetime of such evenings to look forward to. Next step…I’m ditching the loser!!!
I have been the OW for 4 years now. I so agree that it is a situation that I chose to be in but like others have said …… I gave away my dignity, strength and power just to be with him. I never asked or expected him to leave his wife and I know that is because of my own commitment issues. But, it is a very lonely situation. My family all thinks I am still single and it can be quite embarassing to never have a date to the office Christmas Party. I wish I had the strength to end this relationship for my own sake.
I know from being in the trap back in 2004. I had a so called friend from Huntsville tx tried to persuade me that my girlfriend is no good. I did not give myself a chance. I became the available victim to the other woman who was separated and using me for sex. She liked to have sent me to the mental hospital. I know being a disabled victim being taken advantage of. It has torn me to pieces. First she showered me with pleasures, sex, comfort, for one moment, then told me she would love me which I knew better. I had a funny feeling coming over me. I felt something wasn’t right. Then I learned she came up pregnant with twins, I freaked out because she set me up. I do not know why other women use sad tales, sad events to get back to their husbands. When other women uses a disabled person, there cannot be anything lower than that. I know how it feels being shameful. It sticks with you day by day. My advice to others who are single. Please refrain from messing with married individuals. Its a mine field loaded with mines that will cause you to be scarred. I finally called the former girlfriend back into my life. She has reconstructed me back to the original way I should have been before I became wrecked to pieces. I can relate that I see married women already committed to their husbands. Please do not take light of what i said, it does hurt in coming years. Maybe not now, later will come up and haunt you. Believe me, It did me.
take each life as a one step closer to healing. because it will help you cope with the guilt and agony.
.-= Stone of Refuge´s last blog ..By: sillygirl =-.
I stumble upon this page because I have been looking for an answer. I found out that my husband cheated on me a few months ago – for the sake of our daughter I stayed in our marriage. I told him I will put everything behind. I will try anyway. He never admitted anything to me but, I found some internet conversations in our computer and emails. I am slowly finding out and realizing all the things that have been said and done. He got to the point where he uses our money to have a romantic get away with the other woman. He has a secret cell phone. I promised myself that I will give our marriage another chance. But, as days go by… I feel so ugly, insecure, hurt, angry!!! My self-esteem is VERY LOW.
I came to the point where I am obsessing about her (HAPPY NOW). I came to the point where I wanted what she is up to. Is she dating, are they talking. I come to the point where I check her facebook account every day but, I never had the guts to confront her. I am afraid to see the result to know more. I looked at her page and pictures and she seems to be okay with everything that had happened. I want her to know how it feels to be the in the other end of the situation. I want her to realize what she was doing. But, I wonder if she’ll care. I am thinking that she probably enjoys the feelings that I am going through right now because after all, THIS IS WHAT SHE WANTS – IS TO WRECK my FAMILY!!!
I’d like to know if she even realized the damaged to become part of the situation. I am trying to understand what was on her mind, how heartless she was to put herself first without thinking of an innocent child getting hurt. I wonder how the sex was between the two of them, I wonder how she talks to my husband so, I can talk to him the same way as she did. I just want to be like her so I will get all the attention that she is getting from husband. I feel helpless because of what had happened. I feel sorry for my kids. I feel pathetic staying this marriage and I feel disable knowing all these not being able to let my anger out. I want to punch the other woman, I want to swear at my husband. I want them to feel what I am going through right now. It is very hard. And, for you all OTHER WOMAN, if you feel satisfied making another WOMAN feel the same way as I do continue doing what you are. If you want to hurt INNOCENT younger people KIDS – You are STRONG enough to BE in a relationship with a MARRIED MAN. I must say that you should also have the FACE to tell the WIFE about your relationship. LADIES, how can we STOP man for manipulating us if you continue to become the OTHER WOMAN. How can we HELP prevent to become part of the broken marriage and continue hurting innocent kids if we ALLOW married men, who do not know to face their problem by creating another problem.
Being a wife, a mother is not an easy thing to do and for the other woman to judge the wife according to what their partner was telling them is not the right to do.
Advice is greatly appreciated coming from the other woman!!!
I dodged becoming the OW. I feel that, in fact, I had more regard for his wife than he did. After our first conversation he barely mentioned her. I had to keep reminding him that he was married. Although he was living with her and, from what I could tell, happy, it seemed he “forgot” that while he was chasing me down for sex. I almost forgot too as I knew him from ages ago (trap of the returning childhood sweetheart) when he was mine. I had to keep reminding myself that he was now married to someone else despite his behaviour.
Anyway, I called time on the whole fiasco before we had even kissed. But he was up for it, I am sure he is still up for it, and if another opportunity arises he will still be up for it. A younger woman would have fallen for his charms I’m sure.
I am so sorry for your pain! Unfortunately the kids and wife are not considered when this type of thing happens. So destructive!
Are you two getting marriage counseling?
What did he say when you found out? And, how long were they together? How is your daughter dealing with this nightmare?
To: hurtwife,
First and foremost, do not take the blame for his cheating on you. It is NOT your fault that he did it. I don’t care if you hit him over the head with a frying pan-my point is there is no excuse for a man to cheat on his wife. If he’s unhappy with something in the relationship (often times it’s not just relationship issues but he has issues within himself ) he needs to address it head on. Getting involved with someone else while your still married solves nothing. Knowing why the OW did what she did is not going to help you deal with figuring out what to do about your relationship with your husband. Ask him to go to see a marriage counselor, if he doesn’t want to go, go get counseling for yourself. You deserve better than being in a relationship with a man who disrespects the vows that you all made to one another. You deserve a man who wants to be faithful to you. Who doesn’t act out in this way. If someone disrespects you like this it’s up to you to respect yourself enough to not accept it and confront your reasons and issues for just saying you will forget it when that is not going to make what happened go away. I wish you the best. Keep faith in yourself, care about yourself enough to deal with your husband and your marriage and get some help from a professional.
I am trying to get out of being the OW. I have tried a zillion times before; this time I am lookimg for (anf finding) help and advice on this site and self-help books etc. and am now trying focus on me rather thanon him. I find this helps. If you are the married/attached woman whose husband/partner is cheating, I guess the advice would be the same – focus on YOU not on HIm (or the two of “them”).
When my guy started to ask me out he told me he had recently seperated from his girlfriend whom he had been living with for three years or so and has since moved back into his mother’s house (back to his family home). I didn’t think I had any reason to disbelive him… I took it at face vaule, but as time went on I noticed he was ‘reticent’ to, for example, give me a home phone number or see me at weekends etc… all the tell-tale signs. Three months or so later he just stopped calling – he treated me as if the relationshp had never happened – he just “disapeared”.
I was furious and confused… I contacted him and demanded to see him; I had to fight for him to even talk to me. I realised that I had been lied to and asked him if what he had said about “living now with his mother” was true.. I told him if he refused to speak to me about it and be truthful I would simply contact his mother (who I had never met) and ask her. He was furious, accused me of threatening him etc… blah blahHe tried to show me “letters” etc.. that would show where he lived; I told him ‘these could be anything’ etc.. and insisted he be honest or I would speak to his mother. He stormed off in a fury. I went home – in tears. He called me within the hour and told me he had left her but had gone back again and had moved into the spare room.
It was over. But it wasn’t Because I am the teral fool. I kept in contact with him and within nine months I was seeing him again… that was about nine years ago!
I did contact his girlfriend about two years ago, thinking if I have not got it in me to end this, it will end when she finds finds out.. I put phone number through her door when I knew he was elsewhere. She called me and I told her what had been going on (I was straight, but respectful). I told her he insisted that he and she did not have a physicall relationship – she simply said that she didn’t think that should make any difference (I am still puzzled as to what she meant by that) and that he had treated us both very badly. She was upset (understandably).
He of course was furious. He refused to speak to me telling me that I ‘had gobe out of my way to deliberately hurt him’ and said he could trust me. (cracker, I know!)
He refused to talk about what had happened between them after the contact I had with her. He just kept telling me that she had ‘never mentioned it’. I never heard from her again. Can anyone suggest why not? It’s wierd…
so, hurtwife, I did try to tell the “girlfriend”.She did nothing about it, plainly. They are still together, and I on;y stopped contact with him two weeks ago… I am trying this time to make sure that I do actually move on…
Thanks for listening!
Yep, where there is a hurtwife, there is a hurtotherwoman. There doesn’t seem to be a hurtcheater. HE (or she) always seems to turn out fine!
I suspect I have been cheated on in the past. I have no concern whatsoever for the other woman or what she is thinking, other than to feel somewhat sorry for her for being duped. She has nothing to do with me. My only concern is what my boyfriend is doing TO ME.
Expending energy on TOW is shifting the focus from where it truly belongs. You have to face up to the fact that you are dealing with a man who thinks it is okay to cheat on you. What you do with that information is up to you.
Be thankful everyday when you wake up that you have taken control of your life. You have taken responsiblity for yourself by ending it. You know it’s going nowhere, and it never will. You told the gf about your involvement with him. What she meant when she said that it shouldn’t make a difference if they where sexually involved is: That it shouldn’t have mattered to you what was or wasn’t going on in their relationship-you knew he was still with her and you should have removed yourself from the relationship. If you truly want to have a better chance of not going back to this relationship because you recognize it’s not healthy, stop thinking about what is going on between them. It keeps you cycling the pain and makes it that much harder to get yourself better. . Tell yourself you want to be free of all of this torture because it’s what’s best for you. Stop creating your own pain. Take control and work on stopping those thoughts when they come up. Use that energy and thought power to focus on dealing with your own issues and life. Ask yourself questions about why you did/do what you do and not about why they did or are doing what they are doing. It doesn’t serve you and your life. What they do or don’t do doesn’t matter to you because these people are not a part of your life.
Thanks, Dawn, for your kind response. I think I am finally seeing the light thanks to stumbling over this website and have since read/am readin afew books I wish I had come across years ago. (for those interested: Steven Carter’s ‘He’s Scared, She’s Scared’ and ‘Getting to Commitment’ have helped me enormously to understand my own actions and those of my EMU).
I am trying now to focus om myself – but I can’t help my head wandering – wondering what he is ‘thinking’ – wondering if he even cares!). I know it doesn’t matter, though.
I feel much more certain now, than have ever done before, that I cannot go back the way. The only way forward is through it and out the other end!
I never thought of that before, what you said about his gf telling me ‘it shouldn;t make any difference’. Your take on it is interesting to me. I always assumed her comment to be, pretty much, a confirmation that what he had told me was true (that they did not have a physical/sexual relationship). She said ‘I don’t see what difference that makes – he has still treated me very badly; he has treated both of us very badly’.
I couldn’t figure out why she thought ‘it didn’t make any difference’, i.e. surely she could not be surprised if he took up other relationships that included sex if he was “not getting any” at home.
Anyway; I am curious, but also know it makes no difference, as NML says, whatever is whatever is he chose to be with her, not with me. I don’t doubt thought that he is not only living with her but is also seriously EU with serious commitment conflicts. I now don’t think he was/is ny more “with her” than he was with me, and I now think the fact that there was a significant other in the picture just confused me, as in I think the real issue is his emotional immaturity. By the way, it is interesting to note that he is intellectually very gifted and successful – this is/was also a red herring! It neve occured to me that someone so awsomely clever could also be such a big baby!
Thanks xx