Mary asks “I have to tell you I am seriously having some trouble here. I had No Contact for 6 weeks. I changed my phone number, email address, and emailed him six weeks ago to tell him he could no longer come by my house. I was doing sooooo well. I felt so free and happy.
Well the next thing I know, the other day he created a Facebook profile and emailed me. He said ‘Still not talking to me? Lots to discuss.’ I did not respond. Then five hours later he sends me this message, ‘Lost your email address when they replaced my computer, and I will never ever contact you again. A friend of mine got a position and is looking for help, based on our last conversation, thought you would be interested. Obviously I was wrong.’
I don’t understand why he got so snippy or angry. I mean although I knew I was not going to respond he did not even give me 24 hours before spouting off this last email. I don’t want him to be angry at me or hate me. I feel so guilty. Can I email him and then block him (then he can’t respond) or will that let him think he has a door open (even if I block him after)?”
NML says: I love how these guys turn their crap around!
Let’s reverse back a little.
You cut contact with him and this guy persists in trying to make contact. You even told him not to come to your house so it seems that you were very clear about which way the land lies.
He then creates a Facebook profile and emails you with what can only be described as a pathetic teaser message.
He was dangling the carrot to get you to instigate contact.
You, rightly, don’t respond. But five hours later, this fool, clearly feeling a bit flummoxed by your lack of jump when he says how high, sends a snotty email about how he’d lost your email and blah, blah, blah.
Now, you don’t understand why he got angry and you don’t want him to be angry or to hate you. And to add insult to injury, you feel guilty!
Now I don’t know if you’ve emailed him in the time since you emailed me, but I pray you haven’t because this is an example of a Mr Unavailable throwing all of his toys out of the pram and manipulating you back into the corner that he prefers you to be in.
Mr Unavailables do not like when we don’t play by their rules.
It doesn’t matter that we don’t know what their rules are and it doesn’t matter that they change the goalposts as and when it suits. It certainly doesn’t matter about the fact that their own behaviour brought you both to this juncture.
This big, overgrown baby, is upset and venting his frustration because he is not in control. You are, and that doesn’t work for him.
If you were not going to respond to this last email, what does it matter how he has responded and why do you care how annoyed he is or how much he may hate you?
Whether he sent that email 5 hours later or 5 days, it all comes back to the same net result, so why lose sleep over his pathetic behaviour? This guy is disconnected from himself – to assume that he even spends a fraction of the energy that you do thinking about what you’re doing is to assume too much. The dillusioned fool may be feeling annoyed today, but it’s amazing how it won’t stop him from trying to make contact in some other way soon when he thinks that you have let your guard down enough.
These guys have serious memory problems because they have no recollection of their poor behaviour!
Why do you care what he thinks? Shouldn’t you be more worried about what YOU think? Don’t you feel angry with him?
I don’t want you to hate the guy but at least see him in a real enough light to recognise that he is a waste of space that will suck the life and self-esteem out of you if you let him.
He is playing games. Nothing more, nothing less. If you ever gave him the time of day again, he’d suck you right back in, spit you right back out, and start blowing hot and cold again.
Forget him, focus on maintaining No Contact and if you haven’t emailed him, don’t, and if you have, chalk it up to experience, block him, and if he somehow manages to email you via Facebook or something, block him. In fact, drop him like a hot potato from Facebook or at the very least give him limited access.
And yes, a door opened with No Contact, is a door opened, no matter what your intention. If you’ve already opened it, he may perceive it as ajar, but that’s just a perception and he’ll discover next time he wants to test the door, that it is very firmly shut.
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Once again, great timing! IMHO, there can never be enough written about the NCR. I swear, if I dont read about it, it is hard for me to keep it up. It makes total sense and yet, we all seem to falter with it.
I am afraid I’ve screwed up today myself. It has been 24 days of NC. I’ve completely iced him out – even at work. But today … all I did was look him in the eye. He kept looking down, but finally looked up. I dropped eye contact and continued walking.
You should have seen the look on his face – it was like I punched him in the stomach or something. Well I walked away all proud of myself, but now I wonder if I messed up by even doing that!
I regret even making eye-contact with him now – and hope he doesn’t take it as an invitation to speak to me. Ugh!
Definitely great timing. I’m preparing to hang up on the EUM next time he calls to institute no contact. All your posts on this subject really help give me resolve.
It’s SO true that they have poor memories and conveniently forget their poor behavior.
I think that when we allow them back in after they have treated us terribly it is, in effect, saying that what they did is okay. And I think they feel. It’s human nature.
You write in precise detail exactly what I need to hear, and it is so right on !!!
You’re what’s making me stop having illusions and see things for how they really were/are.
It’s also getting me over my addicition and obsessiveness with trying to analyze him/understand.
Great answer, NML!
Mary,
Let me play devil’s advocate here, and for the sake of my response, let’s assume that he is a reasonable, compassionate person. And that he misses you. But he is acting abusive, actively lying (he sends an email to say he lost your email address? Hello! ‘Sent Messages’ folder!) and you have chosen to try to build a real life. You have taken strong measures, in some sense sacrificing your old identity (changed your email address and phone number).
6 weeks have gone by, and his is trying to disrupt your life. Still. I mean, re-invite you to get involved with him.
Let us suppose that what is going on with him, is pain. The pain of change. A part of his previous life – you – is gone. Change is painful, and he reaches out again, now, to try to turn back the clock, to restore that part of his life lost to him with your leaving.
Hold on here – I have a point to make.
Today you ask, should you make a response, that you are feeling guilty for his anguish, for his anger. Umm, anger management, discipline, abusive behavior – these are all things one does for oneself, interference by others usually distracts from maturing and changing destructive behavior. And the big one – he implies that contact with you would avoid or assuage his pain.
But he is changing. He doesn’t like it, he is striking out in his pain (rather than deal with reality, seems like a pattern with him).
The worst thing that could happen to him, would be to have to repeat that pain. To go through losing you again. And you would cause him that pain – simply by communicating in any way, shape or form. Because any word or whisper from you would turn back his clock. Back to pre-changes, he will not be a kinder, gentler person. You will have rewarded his bad behavior – stalking, assault, and disrespect – by allowing him to feel he ‘won’. You make the final break more painful for him. Of course, you will be starting the splitup all over again, too.
So don’t feel guilty. You may not be healing him, you may not be helping him cope with his problems, or with you leaving. But any communication will cause him more pain and harm than good. You need to stay isolated not just so you can heal, but for his own good.
Now, aside from his assault on you with his intemperate language, his unwanted contact, and his attempted bribe – ‘possibility’ of work – Why are you still thinking that his happiness depends on you?
I just watched Mike Myers’ “The Love Guru” and I loved the ‘titles’ of the ‘books’. One in particular comes to mind. “Stop Hitting Yourself. Stop Hitting Yourself. Why Are You Still Hitting Yourself?” Laughs aside, move the guy to your spam list, list him with other bullies that you have survived, and enjoy the day.
NML – dead on. As usual.
Guilt is a funny, stupid, useless emotion. And I think that is what this is about.
Suddenly we feel guilty, suddenly we feel like we are being ‘too hard’ on them.
I mean, we have all seen these guys be sweet and vulnerable, right? So those are the things we tend to remember. BUT, it’s really important to remember the bad stuff too, which we tend to sweep under the rug when things get tough. It’s hard to dredge out the bad stuff, even momentarily in your mind. But you have to.
Remember the very reason why you don’t want this person in your life, and stick to your guns!
Great quote I heard:
‘Don’t worry about people in your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future’
Stay strong loves…stay strong…it will get easier, promise.
p.s. Brad, I think that was brilliant! Devil’s advocate, yet made your point, and it is a good one, WE CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE!!! only ourselves.
Mary,
I reckon you are going a great job at being strong and staying in control.
Clearly this guy is being immature and like Nat is saying is dangling the carrot in front of you trying anything and everything to get you to respond.
See the thing is that he feels out of control when he is not getting the response over you. He is so used to having you respind the way that you do and is having a little tanty.
So i would say that you are doing jsut fine. I think that you just have ot stick it out and then move on. Don’t get caught back into the trap of trying to think what he is thinking and what not.
Its like my experience with an unavaliable man. We had incredibvle connection and straight after that he stopped calling as much. So i jsut went on with my normal daily life and then i started to ignore his calls and msgs. When i started doing that he was like calling me 3 times a day.
N as soon as i gave him a little … he retracted back again.
I dont have time for these people and neither should you. You dont need to be with a guy, who plays games and as immature.
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Once again, nicely done NML. You are dead on here. He is definitely upset at his loss of control. That’s one thing I’ve noticed with EUMs both in my own and in my friends relationships with them.
Often they go so far as to cut us off from friends and family just to maintain that control. And, when they realize they may be losing it, they freak out and will go to just about any length to regain it.
Plus they know your buttons and how to push them else they’d have never been able to keep you sucked in to begin with. Of course he knew she’d feel guilty. Of course he knew she’d question herself. He was counting on it. Assclown!
NML – what would I do w/o these posts? I get stuck in this “back & forth” thing that I can’t seem to get out of .The statements you have in bold type are all I need to read & I know you are right. EVERYTHING goes back to their selfishness & THEIR needs. They don’t even CONSIDER anyone else’s feelings. That is the only thing that makes sense at the end of the day as to their strange behavior. All of the showering with charm & telling you you are everything to them then dropping out of site like you meant nothing. They don’t truly connect & use you suit their agenda & when you don’t anymore they move on but will always make sure there is someone else there 1st. Am I right? Explains why he looked me up BEFORE his seperation justifying it by saying it was over in his heart. He couldnt bear being alone & needed an ego massage because it was bruised. I’m not there – new girl is. Works for him. It was never about love because he isn’t capable of it. It was me, me, me like you said. His last email proved that. Why do I have days where I doubt that? I truly cannot remember a time in a solid year that he called just to see how I was doing or even ask. The conversation always led back to him. I really need to grasp that. There are days I can & days I can’t. Why do you think that is? Yesterday all I did was reminisce. I hurt terribly on those days. Any thoughts?
Kim,
Try to accept the fact that it is over, stop analyzing him. I have done that and it will not do you any good, it is a waste of time.
You know, sometimes there aren’t any answers, he will never give you the answers, try to accept that so that you can move on.
Wow! I was sitting here and did a google and found this site. I never thought that so many women were going through the same thing. Truly I felt like a loner. Well my story is no different than anyone else’s here. I was engaged, and a long time FRIEND, and that is all he was at the time. Broke me and my man up. Why? Cause he so call wanted me all the time, I would always say no to him and I should have continued to do it. But after my wedding plans were crushed, I became vunerable, and the rest well… He and I were in a 2 year relationship. He made other men look non appealing to, so that he could always be the twinkle in my eye, and those are his words, but I was not the only twinkle in his. He would tell me he loved me so many times in a day, and the voice messages, would simply make your heart melt. Well I discovered he lied to me about another relationship, and I acted out in a very bad way. He was crushed, I the one he loved could have crushed his home life, at the time I did not care, i was hurt. But later, I realized that is was very dangerous what I had done. I thought that he had tried one of my friends up..okay that one was not true, but the pain I felt from that, is what the wife felt, I was sick to know that this is the pain I caused someone, We broke up in March of this year, and It was for good. I moved, tried to change everything I did. He even changed his number. Well after hearing nothing from him for 3 weeks, I was healing fine. The night before my housewarming, what do you know…here he was again. Crying, missing me and I did the worst thing ever, I fell for it. So we agreed no controlling, no everyday phone calls, just a little sex every now and then. He has home, grandchild, and twins on the way…what was I doing? It went from every once in a while to everyday, and let me not answer a question he answered! Trouble! He wanted to know if I met another guy, he said I was sneaky and kept things from him, I still don’t get that. Why would you want to know? You have a wife. I had dreams before he returned of him standing in my hall way with a gun..talking about scary. I did not worry, he did not know where I lived. I messed that up too, The time came and we met at the hotel and the lovemaking was shitty. No emotion, no love, just fat and sweat. it made me sick. The phone sex was great though! And that is what we did. We only had two encounters since we began communicating, and maybe that helped in this breakup. I don’t hurt so bad, but I hurt, I have so many questions, but they will go unanswered. His spouse requested the cell phone bill, and that meant we would have to stop communicating by phone. I laughed, 1, I would miss it, 2, it was my prayers answered. So why is it when he asked me to get a kiddie phone I agreed? Dumb, dumb, dumb! I got the phone and the next day I cancelled it, the best thing I could have done, we both agreed. He then asked me to help him, he needed me to be his friend…when he would talk about sex he wanted me to say no, he couldn’t I guess, he was not strong enough. He said he was addicted to my sex. I still don’t understand that? I areed, but I also said no contact, no email, no phone, no casual hi in public. nothing. I am planning on moving again, 40 miles this time. and hopefully this will get it. The last thing he asked if I email him, but I am not and it’s for the best. He always said I was an exeption to him not stepping outside his marriage, Wow! what an honor.
I do have alot to thank him for, motivationg me to go back to school, changed my outlook on relationships with others, I am not scared to try again. I do not want to be lonely and I do not want another womans husband, We parted on good terms and there were no tears, but I feel as though he took so much of me before he left and I wish I did not give so much of myself to him, but he gave me just as much. But I can not and will not live like that!! That is crappy ladies and we all deserve so much more!!! I am having surgery in the next month, I want go in clean with nothing in my heart unholy, and being in that relationship is unholy. It is done for good and I will never allow a married man in my life, never, ever again.