There is this fear (and I know it well), that if you express what you need, especially when a need involves another party, that the need will go ignored and unmet. You might fear that it will be ridiculed or criticised or superseded by yet another thing or person of ‘greater value’. It can be tempting, especially when you’ve grown up or been around people who shut down your needs or ignore, invalidate them, or claim that theirs are of greater significance, to ‘just’ put your needs on the back burner.
What’s the point?, you might wonder.
Why would you expose you to further disappointment and rejection? You might feel that the pain of putting your needs out there and them not being met is far greater than not doing so. But is that true, especially when you consider that needs that are closed off from others get closed off from you too? It’s not as if you’re going to voice those needs to you and take care of them because that would open you up to recognising those said needs and being vulnerable enough to ask for what you need whether that’s directly asking for it or making the decisions and the supporting choices that would make having those needs met possible.
How can you and others begin to meet needs that you are stifling and even invalidating?
Each time you deny, rationalise, minimise and even excuse what you or others are doing to you that cuts you off from your needs, you’re defending against the case for you being a worthwhile and valuable person with needs. You’re living your life in a way that keeps reinforcing and validating the original reasoning used to reach the conclusion that you ‘shouldn’t’ give voice to your needs. It’s as if you don’t matter, but of course you do.
One of the greatest injustices that any human can suffer is to be treated as insignificant and be robbed of basic needs. If you look at your life and see it as one long parade of you pandering to the needs of others while you yourself are experiencing malnutrition, that’s grossly unfair and entirely unnecessary.
Stop robbing you to boost the ego ‘coffers’ of others.
You also have to recognise that the only person who can ever really know and show the line and the limit of what is possible with you, is you. Granted, there can be outward signs that you are doing and giving at too great an expense to you but the person who is best placed to notice and respond to that is you.
People won’t be able to pay you back in a way that would even begin to make up for the pain that you’re continuing to put you through but at some point, you have to fight back against the old judgment against your needs, step by step, ask by ask, no by no, one day at a time. It’s not an overnight change and it does feel damn weird to say what you need or to ask for it or to look specifically for something, especially when your habit has been to just do your usual thing and hope that life and certain people will just figure it out. It’s also hard not to expect a yes every time.
Part of the resistance to voicing needs is admitting and/or accepting that who you want to meet them might not be able to or even want to.
Now, it’s true that not everyone is going to be able to meet your needs or to meet them in the way that you expect but there’s something that you need to be honest about when you’ve been in the habit of minimising you by suppressing your needs out of fear of the possibility of that person not being able to step up:
If your belief is that there’s no point in voicing your needs, you live your life in a way that validates that belief, otherwise you’d have to believe differently. This means that you’re going to set you up for a fall that reconfirms that belief.
By asking somebody that reflects the belief by behaving in ways that are reminiscent of the very people that influenced your perception of your needs, you’re ticking that box again. As I said to a friend recently, “If you keep asking the person who hasn’t got a penny, to buy you a house, you’re blocking you off from what you want…. Why do you keep asking the people who you know cannot empathise [because they demonstrate it via their actions] to love you and do things that empathetic people do? The fact that he and similar people do not empathise doesn’t mean that you’re unworthy or that all people behave in this way. You would not be recreating this experience time and again if you were forging relationships with different types of people”.
If you keep putting your bucket down empty wells, does it mean that the world has no water supply?
Knowing where you stand is an important facet of life. If you value something and someone else doesn’t, accepting that paves the way to you being in a situation more befitting of you.
Fear of knowing where you stand comes from fear of taking ownership of your needs and fear that it will hurt to know. It’s also fear of abandonment but the abandonment happens at the point where you give you up. The pain of knowing and acting on that is far less than the pain of continuing and abandoning yourself in the process.
Don’t recreate pain by putting you in your own Groundhog Day. Instead of writing you off and inferring that there’s something wrong with you because such and such a person or a certain type of person isn’t able to meet your needs, it’s time to ask who it is that you’ve been asking and whether you’ve been setting you up to fail, not necessarily because you consciously want to block you but because in your quest to avoid ever being ‘back there’ where you were hurt, neglected and more, you’ve ended up continuing to live in that past by inadvertently recreating aspects of it.
But you don’t stand in the past anymore so you don’t have to keep minimising you.
A good place to start with understanding your relationship with needs is to write down the needs that you feel others have including any that you feel responsible for meeting. Do you have any of these needs and if so, which ones are currently being met? I bet there’s a deficit. If you take those needs one by one and ask you why you don’t have those same rights, it will reveal your fears and beliefs in this area. You can not only use this as a jump-off point for further exploration but you can also start looking at how to level up so that these relationships are mutual. Ask you what you fear will happen if you ask/state/embody what you need and whether what you fear is true for the person or whether it is in part about your own tape running on repeat. It is worth your while to do compassionate exploration because anywhere where an imbalance continues is where resentment and pain will take hold.
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I expressed a need to a guy who I’d dated before, but came around again. He seemed like he’d grown and matured and had some self awareness….until one day, when he was having a bad day- he got short and rude with me after one month of being in my life again. The little monster never hides too long, does it? I felt dishonored and disrespected. My boundaries have gotten quite strong over the years, but now it’s the more subtle ways people bust your boundaries that I’m tightening up on. This didn’t seem like a huge offense at the time and I found myself wondering if I was being “too sensitive”; however, I summed up that it was unacceptable and I had no evidence that this behavior would get better- when clearly he’d shown me who he was after only one month. I let him know when we spoke again, that I don’t allow people to speak to me with a lack of respect and love. He turns it all around and finds himself upset because I brought it up stating that he’d said he was “sorry” in the moment. I told him it had nothing to do with an apology, but a clear acknowledgement that it would never happen again, and if it did- it would be the last time. He got himself out my life that night after making some argument about this. No need to have future conversations, because I know what he has to offer. Thanks Natalie for teaching me boundaries. Question: what is it (the insanity) in people that get upset when you place down a firm boundary? I just don’t understand that part at all and find myself highly confused when the anger comes after I express my needs when experiencing bad behavior lately. Or when I have walked away and people are upset after they know that they have disrespected me.
Hi Amber,
I have experienced similar shock when I have attempted to enforce boundaries with men–mainly narcissistic men who are only capable of acknowledging their own needs, thoughts and pseudo-feelings–only to realize these “men” would rather walk away or gaslight women into thinking their needs and thoughts are crazy. Trying to piece together why this guy will not accept or validate your boundaries, thoughts and needs is a waste of time. Once you realize you are a full source of your own validation, you will not seek and wonder why others will not validate you. I have found I do not attract these EUMs anymore because I no longer put up with this type of B.S.—trying to seek validation from anyone but myself. Assert boundaries and move on. Those who respect and care about you will stick around even after you express your needs, values, and set limits.
Well said Laura! I’m in total agreement about Amber moving on and not wasting her time trying to figure this guy’s motives out. It’s a waste of time and energy.
I was also unfortunate enough to cross paths with a narcissist in Oct last year. By Dec, I wanted nothing more to do with him. By this point, he’d stopped calling/texting, rarely asked me out or took me anywhere, barely made the effort to converse with me when we were together – yet still expected me to be accommodating and such. Yeah, OK mate. One particular incident where I was on my way to bring him soup as he was ill and was running late as I had errands to run as well. He calls me up demanding to know where I am and then starts cursing and swearing at me because he had somewhere else to be. He never told me he had plans. As far as I knew, he was home in bed sick, there was no mention of having to go anywhere later that day. He later apologised after I told him to “go to hell” and said something about him being a “disrespectful prick”, but the damage had been done. For all my efforts and attempts to be supportive, I was getting nothing but rudeness, indifference and contempt, in return.
So I ask him to return some money I’d loaned him earlier in Dec, and his reply was “what money, you never gave me a penny.” He continued to say this for days until he got annoyed at my persistence and started threatening to publish private pics of me online (another lesson I had to learn about not sharing sexy pics with anyone – as well as never loaning money).
I contacted the police as this is a crime in the UK (Malicious Communications Act 1988), and they paid him a visit. I also sent an email to his bosses with screenshots of emails/messages between he and I which confirms the loan and clearly states that he agrees to pay me back. I also attached screenshots of the threats he sent me via WhatsApp (he wasn’t very bright) and informed them that the police have been contacted. I realise that contacting his employer was risky and wouldn’t recommend it to others, but I was desperate to get my money back and to get some sort of revenge! I was tired of having to turn the other cheek and/or cut my losses whenever the latest man in my life decides to take a dump on me from a great height. For once, I just wanted him to suffer! To realise that there are consequences for breaking the law and/or treating good people like crap.
A couple of days later, the money was returned to my account and I was sent a final message from him calling me “a devious, heartless bitch and that he’s praying for me…” (he was also a regular attendee at church), for sending that email to his employers.
Bottom line is, this man started exhibiting these behaviours after a meagre 2 months of dating, and rather than try to figure out his behaviour or start to blame myself for his change in demeanor, I had to acknowledge my feelings on the matter and accept that this isn’t the kind of treatment that I want/expect to be subjected to in a relationship. Not only were my needs being ignored entirely, I was still expected to play the dutiful girlfriend as well. He would often say things like, “my ex did lots of things for me and never complained”. Oh really? If being with you was so great, where is she now??? Clown.
These guys rarely change, so I would say that giving second chances to exes should be on the basis of a long trial period which allows you to see if any lasting changes have been made, or they’re at least trying. Anyone who can’t respect your boundaries or has issues with them, must be removed from your circle immediately for your own well-being.
Rachel,
YOU ARE MY HEROINE. Seriously, mad props to you lady, you did all the right things in this situation. What a scummy scummy scumbag person.
Bad men are just bad.
Thanks Jennifer, I really appreciate that. I love our little BR Community! It’s filled with strong men and women who I also try to draw strength from – as well as Natalie’s words of wisdom. 🙂
Rachel,
Thanks for sharing your story. It helps to reinforce that it’s ok to stop while I’m ahead. Because assclowns are simply that, assclowns. I think I’ll be more prepared as I select relationships to watch out for narcissistic behavior early on. I’m finding that the best way for me is by approaching relationships with clear awareness of my needs and to watch out for those early signs and opt out.
Thanks again!
That sounds like a good plan Amber!
Don’t forget to always listen to your gut and give new guys time to unfold. That’s my major problem, so keen to be in a relationship that I rush head first and realise 2-3 months down the road that the guy is not all he’s cracked up to be hehe.
I’m learning… 🙂
Laura,
Thanks so much! Perfectly stated and helps me to feel more confident in my journey. You’re right, I’ll not attract these kind of people as I continue on tha road.
I read this three times. I think I will read it again……and again. I sooo need this!
Natalie, you are a genius!!
Nat,
So I’ve got the hunch that in your path as the writer of BR, you have come under criticism. You know, I am too so sick and exhausted of the message that when we as women hold men accountable that somehow we are “man-haters”. This saddens me so. In a world where marriage was originally a property contract between man and woman (I bet we can all figure out who was labeled as the ‘property’), and where women have been fighting for centuries to be acknowledged as what we are — human, I feel it frightening to be under fire for having standards and telling women to have standards, also.
If I can give any woman any advice at all, I will say this with all earnestness. Never stop holding out for a good man (yes they do exist but you must not entertain men who do not have your best interests at heart), never sacrifice your body, soul, and or spirit in order to try and fit anyone’s shallow or ridiculous expectations. Take care of your body, take care of your mind and value yourself. This site is here because it is needed. Women are so tired (and rightfully so) of being the main target of cultural bs that we need to look, act, and feel a certain way to be worthy of love. It’s all lies. Anything that devalues you based on superficial, shallow, and ignorant beliefs is a lie that is not worth your time.
I am not (nor do I think Nat ever is) asking you to hate men, but I am asking you to hold yourself with standards and value at all times. Because, trust me, it is worth it. We are worth it. Each and every one of us.
Jennifer Xx
Very good advice, Jennifer. Thank you! 🙂
Hi, this post resonated with me, because I am the one minimizing me, and no one else. He is a good guy. For some reason, I find myself thinking about my boyfriend all day instead of focusing on my current needs to switch from a part-time to a full-time job. And putting in half-hearted efforts on the job search. Neither am I able to fully move forward in the relationship to a deeper commitment, nor am I able to take care of my own needs.
This is causing me a lot of angst and rubbing against an old pattern of abandoning me or giving into escapist fantasies of a future romantic life. I do not know how to break free from this pattern. He has his own pursuits and also takes time to be with me; whereas I wish I was much more stronger emotionally to put in the hard core efforts towards forging a good career path. How I wish I could break free from this cycle of abandoning my life pursuits and start engaging fully in my own life as well.
Anne,
I could so relate to you abandoning you and not going that extra step to change your life. I, too, slap a “mandaid” on my difficult problems as soon as I can find one indifferent enough to distract me. And set my pattern in motion.
Awareness is the key, girl. Seeing it will help. Just be patient with you and keep reading BR. Change will dawn slowly like the sun gently rising.
Best post for me yet, Nat. Loved this:
If you keep putting your bucket down empty wells, does it mean that the world has no water supply?
Thanks Laura!! Lol, good one I liked how you refer to it as a man-daid. Yes it is now easier to identify the struggle but still hard to know what actions to take to get out of this old deep ingrained pattern
Thank you all for sharing and examining our similar experiences which lead to insights which are our truth. I get it now, really. We do not need to allow others to treat us with disrespect and we do not want it. This does not mean we are looking for more problems it means we have the strength to find and create solutions that can change the dynamic and pioneer healthier dynamics. I am on the path but it is scary as my heritage believes the traditional approach and as long as disrespect is not “seen”it is respectful.
I remember a guy told me once, after I tried to have a discussion with him about what I needed and wanted, he said, “Well, you are going to have to expect less.”
Now I have a name for this, managing down the expectations, so thanks to this site, I have a name for all of the bad behavior I ever got or will not get going forward as I am so swoosh out of there.
By the way, when that guy told me to expect less, I was so stunned at hearing that, I just echoed it and said it out loud back to him, in this quiet voice. I said, “I’m going to have to expect less…” as I processed this, and he thought that I was Agreeing to it and he was so happy. I did not process it until later that he was happy when he thought I was agreeing to let him run all over my expectations in the name of how “busy” he was. I totally get it now though. My bucket needs to stay out of dusty dry moldy wells, I have seen the well light.
Learn to expect less – that’s a good one. Hope you’re rid of a fool like that.
I also liked the one posted up top where after effing around the guy says ‘I’m praying for you’. Thanks buddy. Never knew prayer could be used to threaten – like I’m praying satan visits you.
I think it’s good to see these types of statements written out because we tend to think that our narcs and ACs and eum are unique – they’re not, they play from the same playbook. And knowing theses sentences means next time you hear them, even if you don’t react in the moment, you can know that this is not about you but about a disordered in-generous and emotionally unhealthy person.
Haha, well said Suki.
Suki – I almost fell off my chair reading that comment about Satan – HAHA!
It’s odd that he believes himself to be a good Christian but has clearly missed the fundamental part about being a decent human, and doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. Weirdo.
Adele,
If anyone ever told me, “You’re going to have to expect less,” I’d take a deep, haughty breathe in and an airy one out as I replied, “So are you, asshole.”
I’m currently single and I have met this guy who claims to be my friend….thing is we have kissed and got intimate … I once told him how I felt about out friendship and he replied by say saying I can leave him if I want to..I did that and now he recently came back playing happy couples with me,I don’t know what to do cause I’ve moved on and don’t feel like being in a relationship with cause I feel like rebound cause he just broke up with his girlfriend and who knows that I might be his consolation prize till he figures something out…
Jessica,
Walk away! Do not date him everrr! If he could leave the first time, he could leave the second time. Never be somebody’s back-up plan. If you moved on keep moving! Don’t look back.
Run, Jessica run!!!!
jessica,
run. This is a bad situation. These guys are the worst. They will waste your time and try and jedi mind trick you into thinking you are the one who is in the wrong or that you just don’t get it. They are so scummy because they are so discretely dishonest. The worst time suckers/stealers. Utter thieves.
Exactly how I feel thank you….he should pay for his sins and stay the hell way
Reading others comments in here is so incredibly helpful (almost an added value benefit the blog post). In my case, I am improving in my ability to spot unhealthy dating behaviors (a huge struggle for me initially).
Yet am finding that the toughest challenge is knowing how to deal with Me being my biggest enemy in the big and small decisions I take each day owing to a low self esteem.
It is shocking to know that as a woman, I would rather deny my needs of self identity in a job, hobbies etc and rather put all my eggs in one basket of getting my validation and self worth from being in a relationship. This is more of an internal struggle coming from I don’t think I deserve to have success in all areas of my life. Low self esteem is like a slow erosion of wood by termites. I wish I knew how to turn my life around for the better and heal fully (and be a good personal example to my children). As a woman I easily default to helping others and experience a lot of struggle investing in my own happiness routine on a long term basis.
Natalie, I know you write a lot of posts from perspective of get rid of the bad guy, unhealthy relationship dynamic. At the same time I am realizing that real healing or the final phase of personal growth comes in when we as women own up to our own personal power. Can you also highlight your posts on navigating the difficult tough journey of developing a strong backbone, a healthy self esteem , self happiness (or how we can stop being the ACs in our relationship with ourselves)? Thanks for your blog. It is a blessing to many people.
Anne,
Check out the tab on the top of this page labelled “The Blog” , Nat has kindly sorted all her posts by theme so you can find one from the archives for whatever mood you’re in. Or just type any word into the search box and dig through. I re-read a lot of posts as reminders , and get something different each time as I grow.
and yes thank you , Nat!
I recently expressed my needs to an ex of all people. I see how ridiculous I have been. I let the crazy out I admit it. Why would an ex meet my needs as an ex when he didn’t do it in the non relationship?
Im a pretty cluey creative gal on the wrong side of 70 and even now I still get the ‘bully’ tactic from men in my local woodwork group when I express the desire to make an object they’re not sure how to do and rather than say this they do the put down comment or raise their voice if I dont immediately ‘get’ what they are suggesting. However today I stayed quiet but underneath thought OK time to quit this group and yet again do it myself. Well they must have picked up on my silence ‘cos the chap in charge came over to suggest – in a much more conciliatory tone – another option which I listened to but also explained that the way I wanted to do it was possible and I would find out how but would try his option first. i have been going to this group now for almost 4 years an made a LOT of projects and they still have the occasional put down about the fact I never do anything easy (for a woman) while they put all the effort in the world to some of the male projects. AND I DIDN”T GET UPSET> Yea 🙂
But how can they talk down to you and feel superior when you pursue things they themselves don’t challenge themselves to create?! You’ve got some nerve, Pat! (lol)
Great post. I have done this myself and it comes to nothing good. I think a lot of us are subconsciously taught that we are meant to minimize ourselves in relationships with men and that that somehow helps us “win” the man and the relationship we want. But I have never found that to be the case.
I think most people are naturally attracted to others who are confident and love themselves. So when you do this minimization game, you are not only depriving yourself of your needs, but you are inadvertently pushing people away and the relationship you want becomes elusive. Even with good peopl, I can see and have experienced how minimizing oneself can be annoying and unattractive.
I think we all need to practice not minimizing ourselves in our relationships. It’s a difficult habit to break (I still do this a lot), but it’s a journey I think is worth taking and a skill worth continuing to practice.
Self love, building a good life you are proud of and protecting your self esteem and happiness are where it’s at. Thanks Nat!
“…when you do this minimization game, you are not only depriving yourself of your needs, but you are inadvertently pushing people away and the relationship you want becomes elusive.”
Well said, Leanne!
All of you women are so special and I’m grateful this blog exists. It has put into words things that many people don’t even notice or strive for. For the first time in my life I am not running from difficult situations and I am holding my own and trying to value myself and increase self-love and confidence. I recently got out of a long relationship and I am intentionally holding clear space and enforcing boundaries for myself as I heal and figure out what I need. Thank you for your words Natalie, you are so wise. Much love to all the ladies out there. We’re making it happen. Be strong!
I have had the experience of voicing my needs very clearly and not had them met or been lectured at because for some reason my needs were “wrong”. It is @+*#() annoying. But my ex husband though any need was some kind of freaky signal I was crazy.
Because of that I promised myself when I was in a dating relationship I would in fact voice my needs even if it turned out the other person could not meet them. Better to know up front somebody cannot step up to the plate.