excuses in relationships Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Being ‘super busy’ isn’t a justifiable reason for accepting crumbs and mistreatment

January 13, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Many people protest about how “super busy” they are – I’ve been guilty of this at times myself – and I regularly hear the, “I don’t have time for dating” and “I don’t have time for a relationship” defences along with what pretty much amounts to, “You draw the short end of the stick including my casual attitude towards you and even my neglect because, well, you know – I’m super busy. Have I mentioned how important I am or how insane my job is, or how everybody wants a piece of me?”

Just as who people are is self-evident, where a person’s priorities lie and what they make time for is self-evident too.

I don’t dispute that we’re busy people living in a busy world. We live in a time where protesting about our never-shrinking todo list and almost competing about how crazy hectic our lives are is the norm. There’s also the pursuit of the work/life ‘balance’ plus the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect and to achieve.

That said, if you’re someone who is doing the whole “I don’t have time for dating / a relationship” but saying that you do want one, or are expecting somebody who deserves better (and will probably keep giving you more of their time in the hopes that you’ll change your mind), to basically put up with you throwing them a bone from time to time, and are even justifying inconsiderate or even shady behaviour on your ‘busyness’, it’s time for you to go on a BS Diet.

If you genuinely believe that you don’t have the time to date, then don’t date or certainly don’t give potential partners the impression that you’re up for and are offering more than what you are.

If you don’t believe that you can spare a few hours a week, or you feel that you only want to use that time to engage in distant (read: lazy) communication and/or only want to use that time for sex, ego stroking etc, you don’t have time for a mutual relationship. You want to keep it casual. If a person having needs, feelings, expectations, opinions etc is ‘taxing’ and you’re already mentally working out how to stop them from getting ‘carried away’ (possibly without being direct and honest), halt.

Your reasons for not having time are your reasons – own them. You don’t need to justify those reasons to anybody once you honour them but when you don’t do this and engage in contradictory behaviour that may leave a person questioning themselves and certainly questioning your integrity, an explanation will be looked for because your flip-flapping and backtracking will create questions and confusion, even if to you, it all makes logical sense.

Until you’ve genuinely rearranged your priorities, or your work / home situation changes, or whatever it is, it doesn’t make sense to half-assedly pursue dating or a relationship for your own ego’s sake, or to tick some box in your head or with your family, friends or ‘everyone’, because ultimately, people are humans with feelings and lives of their own.

I’m not saying don’t get laid or have fun with likeminded folk; I’m saying quit with the whole I Am The Busiest Person On Earth, Possibly Busier Than A World Leader or Superhero protestations. You doth protest too much. Stop using it to manage down people’s expectations – manage your own.

Busyness is something that offers us protection from having to be vulnerable and having to face aspects of ourselves and our lives. You don’t think workaholics are the way that they are because they’re so crazy about their job, do you?

If you’re on the receiving end of this whole “I don’t have time for dating / a relationship” malarkey, take them at their word, not at their strokes whether they’re ego or sexual ones.

It’s hard not to take it personally especially when it feels like you’ve been having a great time or that you could be so great together ‘if only’ they’d put in the time, energy, effort, and emotion but fact is, as humans we overestimate our capacity to be and do certain things and when it all gets a bit too real for us and we don’t have the high of the honeymoon period to carry us along – everything feels great at the beginning including new habits and interests – the reality of what we’ve been saying and doing along with any expectations created plus our own feelings, is exposed.

The thing is, it’s not your job to open up someone’s schedule or their emotions for that matter. It’s their job to make time and if you take over their responsibilities, you will take away any foundations that would act as the basis for a healthy relationship. It’s not your job to convince a person into being involved with you or to make more time because you’re getting into the whole selling territory. It’s a slippery slope because they end up on a pedestal and this automatically makes your relationship imbalanced.

I hear from people who have been making the busy excuse for ‘partners’ for anything from months to 20 years. Sometimes we forget that we’re too old to be waiting for mummy or daddy to come home and make time for us. It’s also safe to say that we hang around out of fear that if we tell them to jog on, their schedule will magically open up for someone else. In the meantime, we accept crumbs and they have their behaviour reinforced by our continued presence because they don’t experience natural consequences.

Don’t let anyone put you on layaway!

If they can’t manage their time and ‘fit you in’ now, how are they going to fit you in later when there will be more commitment and expectations? What’s your plan – to wait around? To hang in the shadows? To be The Most Perfect Person On Earth TM and/or to have no needs, feelings, opinions etc? That’s a half life.

If a person doesn’t have time for you they don’t have time for a relationship which means that it can’t progress, it won’t be balanced, consistent, committed (in whatever guise that takes – it doesn’t have to mean marriage) or genuinely intimate, plus over time you will become desensitised to this treatment due to being used to that person (and you) using their super busyness to justify their behaviour and attitude. It certainly won’t be mutual but you’ll certainly be shortchanged.

Revisited: Behind every excuse lies the real reason

August 2, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Don’t forget that I’m on a ‘break’ until September so I will mostly be featuring some of yours and my favourite posts from the archives.

One of the things that I’ve recognised as a differentiator between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the presence of excuses, whether it’s yours and/or theirs. In the worst of situations where you may be denying, rationalising, and minimising, you may even be making excuses for their excuses which only goes to show how poor the original excuse was.

Just like how on the other side of a jumped boundary lies disrespect, on the other side of an excuse often not only lies at least some element of disrespect but also the real reason.

An excuse is a reason that is given to justify an offence or fault but its primary purpose is to lessen responsibility by getting you to overlook, excuse, or even forgive off the back of it. This of course is rather tricky because when there’s excuses it means that any commitment is being lessened, which means everything else tied to it becomes pretty flimsy. You may also be overlooking things that are busting up your boundaries.

People often get ‘reasons’ and ‘excuses’ mixed up because there appears to be some crossover. Excuses allow people to remain in their uncomfortable comfort zone, dodge conflict by avoiding honesty both with others and themselves, dodge accountability, and cast themselves in a better light.

Saying “The dog ate my homework” gives the impression that you’ve been a victim of misfortune and avoids conflict whereas saying, “I couldn’t be arsed to do my homework” or “I forgot” makes you look lazy and lacking in conscientiousness.

Likewise saying “I’ve been really busy” gives the impression that you’re so busy (ya know busier than a world leader) that you haven’t had the time to contact or see them whereas saying “I’m not interested / am half-hearted / have been trying to get back with my ex” will not only have you in the position of saying something that most people squirm at and possibly inviting ‘conflict’, but if you’re the type of person that likes to hedge your bets, you may want to keep them as a rainy day option. If anything you’re hoping they’ll take the hint and do your job for you and at the worst of things, you may be hoping the excuse allows you to avail of their ‘usefulness’.

What Does a Person Really Have To Do If We’re Willing To Excuse & Explain Away Everything?

December 5, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

Recently while talking with friends, I was struck by how much time is spent explaining away and hypothesising on another person’s behaviour. Literally an hour had gone by and a serious amount of excuses and debating had been going on.

“He’s a really shy guy” said one friend as a justification for a nine month absence after their fling, which he’s just ended that silence by getting in touch… via Facebook.

“He’s just out of a relationship and wants to take it slow” another friend explained. “When did it end?” I asked. “Six months ago” and this whole “taking it slow” malarkey was coming after he’d been the driver of speeding things along, so now she looks like she’s pressuring him for a relationship, when really, she isn’t.

“I know this might sound weird, but she basically doesn’t need me crowding her right now”. What, by calling? By expecting her to follow through on things that she’s instigated?

It’s difficult not to feel cautious about a fledging relationship when so much airtime is already being devoted to finding justifiable reasons for what a person isn’t doing when there could be talk about what they are doing.

It occurred to me while thinking about these excuses and also reading the many comments and emails here at BR that, a person doesn’t really have to do or be very much in a relationship if you’re willing to do most or even all of the emotional and physical legwork.

Before things really have a chance to unfold and without each person owning their own, you’re willing to basically account for them. You’re using up your mental resources thinking about what’s behind their actions. What about what you think, need, want, and expect? How are you supposed get a gauge on how you feel when you’re so busy getting a Ph.D in them?

Being Super-Busy: The Modern Lame Excuse For Managing Down Your Expectations

August 1, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

“He’s really busy right now”
“She’s got a really important job”
“They travel a lot”
“They’re just insanely busy”
“He said he hasn’t had five minutes”

You know, I’m not disputing that being busy is a very real experience, but as excuses go for why you’re letting someone off the hook for being emotionally and physically unavailable in your relationship, not making an effort, and keeping you on the fringes of their lives while you wait for your ‘time slot’, it’s actually pretty pathetic.

Not only are they using a lame excuse to manage down your expectations or to even passive aggressively communicate that they want out or that things are casual, but when you use this as an excuse, you’re talking yourself into managing down your own expectations.

You’re a valuable person in your own right deserving of love, care, trust, respect as well as time and effort. How can a relationship progress, experience commitment and intimacy, plus have balance and consistency if someone is pleading off with the modern day equivalent of “Oh sorry, not tonight love, I’ve got a headache”?

– So they’re so busy that they couldn’t find two minutes in their day to pick up the phone?
– They’re so important that you’re not important?
– If they’re travelling a lot, why bother?
– They’re ‘insanely busy’? Doing what? Saving the world? Running a country? Helping the hungry and the poor?- They haven’t had five minutes? Wow. I bet they’ve found 5 minutes to sleep, use the bathroom, hang around on Facebook.

Being super-duper-busy all the time whether it’s them offering it up as an excuse or you’re making the excuse for them, is a rather big hint – it’s telling you that they don’t have time for the relationship and certainly don’t have time to meet your hopes and expectations, so you should be making an exit and moving on to someone and something where you’re more valued and not in their ‘queue’.

You’re like a plane circling above them waiting for relationship traffic control to give you your slot. “Permission to land in the shag lane” and “Permission to land for dinner and an ego stroke”.

Sitting On The Fence: The Position You Adopt When You Fear Making Mistakes By Committing To Decisions

May 14, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

When you have issues with commitment of any kind, there is this perennial fear that if you make the decision that you’ll get it ‘wrong’ and then it’s like a black mark on your ‘life resume’ or it can’t be undone or managed, and your whole life will go down the tube off the back of it.

Ever been involved with a flip flapping Mr / Miss Unavailable that can’t commit to being with you but won’t commit to leaving you the hell alone? Their behaviour probably drives you crazy and even causes you to question yourself, but it’s important to recognise that the reason why they won’t make and stick to the decision, is that they fear that they may make a mistake and you’ll get snapped up by a better person who will put you in a better relationship, and then they’ll be kicking themselves for not realising your value. If they don’t commit and persist in keeping their foot in your life, messing with your head and essentially keeping you in their back pocket and unavailable for an available relationship with someone else, then they can actually assure themselves that they haven’t made a mistake, because if they had, in their mind you wouldn’t be there. A-ha…

This is a fundamental motivation for avoiding making decisions – it gives the mistaken impression that you have a mistake free life. This of course, is an illusion because not making decisions is actually a mistake in itself plus the effects of decision avoidance are reflected in the results of your life.

And here’s the interesting thing: It is really, frickin’ annoying when someone won’t commit and won’t make and stick to a decision, even if it’s an outcome that we won’t like, but, have you noticed something that’s very wrong with this picture?

Every person who is impacted by someone who sits on the fence, won’t commit, and who basically fannies around, is also sitting on the fence themselves.

It’s the age old thing of us often complaining about things that we’re guilty of – being mad at someone for not making a decision that we could have made ourselves, but choosing not to because we hoped that if we gave them bonus time, that they’d make it easy for us and do what we want. Even when they’ve made half-arsed decisions or even bitten the bullet and put themselves behind a decision, if it’s not the outcome we want, we go back to sitting on the fence in denial and steeped in rejection.

Which Do You Prefer – The Problem or The Solution?

January 30, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Recently an acquaintance was struggling with a technical issue at work. I offered to take a look, expecting to spend 10-15 minutes checking it out. They immediately took me up on my offer, while wasting no time informing me that it was a waste of time. “Oh OK then – I’ll leave you to it” I said, only for them to backtrack. After a quick fiddle around with it, they asked if we could have a quick call – one hour of basically saying over and over again that they’d “tried that”, they’d done “everything possible”, and essentially telling me that they didn’t think that it could be resolved. Every.single.last.suggestion was shot down and during and after the conversation (I use that word loosely), I couldn’t help but wonder:

If you think that you know it all, or that you’ve done it all, or that nothing else can be done, why are we having this discussion? Why are you trying? Why are you appearing to be searching for a solution? Or are you just going through the motions so you can tick off your effort checklist?

In truth, it was much closer to them being genuinely frustrated by the issue and wanting a solution, but based on what they’d done up to that point, they believed this to be ‘everything’ and they’d actually gotten very comfortable complaining rather than doing. Interestingly, with a bit of delving, it seemed that they’d been doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Sound familiar?

Why do we basically engage in insanity in these situations? Because we’ve gotten behind a course of action, which in spite of the fact that it’s not working and that there are in fact compelling reasons to change, we still believe that we are ‘right’ or at least that we have exhausted everything in our power.

Some people are happier, or at least more content, putting their energy into defining and talking about the problem, than they are at seeking out and trying solutions. It gives an illusion of busyness.

Some people are also happier trying out one or a few solutions and then if it doesn’t work or proves to be trickier and more ‘resource hungry’ than expected, writing off their efforts and deeming the search for a solution to be a failure.

When the term ‘self-esteem’ is mentioned followed by anything to do with opting out of unhealthy partnerings, I often hear the stock phrase of “Easier said than done.” What does this even mean? Isn’t everything easier said than done until it’s done?

Believing It’s Impossible or Very Difficult To Change? If You’ve Changed To Accommodate Unhealthy Relationships, You Can Change

December 15, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Reading about people’s struggles with dating, relationships and their self-esteem, a recurrent theme crops up – many of these people believe that they ‘can’t’ change. They talk about how ‘impossible’ it is to break habits, change relationship behaviours that are working against them, to fight a compulsion, to set and enforce boundaries, and basically get out of their uncomfortable comfort zone.

Often, they’re caught in a cycle of a long shot mentality, trying to extract love against the odds from a relationship that on some level they recognise they’re not going to be a ‘success’ at. This means that they can’t ‘fail fail’ because they’ve already accepted that they’re going to fail anyway, catering to the self-fulfilling prophecy that validates what they believe.

If you’ve experienced these situations, I’m about to throw a monkey wrench in the works that contradicts this belief that it’s impossible or very difficult to change:

If you have twisted, contorted, bent, back flipped, and basically become a ‘Transformer’, robot in disguise for your relationships, you have been making changes in what are risky, detracting, and at times even dangerous situations, which shows that you can change. In fact, you may even have found yourself in a situation where you made an exception to your normal mode of behaviour because you felt your love for someone was worth it.

You have changed and are capable of change, but if you’ve been doing it in these situations, it seems you only want to change when you know that there’s an eff up at the end of the yellow brick road.

Given the option between making changes that will benefit you because you’ll treat yourself with love, care, trust, and respect, even if it means making uncomfortable decisions that feel crappy initially but far better in the medium to long-term, or making changes that will detract from you and end up ticking the boxes of unhealthy and unrealistic beliefs you hold, you’re opting for what you know.

But if you’re saying that you can’t change or that it’s difficult, too hard, like a punishment to fight the compulsion, this is just not true. You’ve made changes that are difficult, hard, and are actually like doing hard time in Assclownville Prison – you just aren’t believing in changes that don’t have someone else at the heart of them.

If you can adapt your behaviour time and again to accommodate unhealthy relationships and people who have characteristics, qualities, values, and behaviours that are not congruent with your own, why can’t you adapt your behaviour in the other direction to make room for a you that likes and loves you?

You’ve Got To Call It As You See It: Why you mustn’t fear judging a situation or actions

November 7, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

I have an ex who in retrospect, it was only once I’d gotten as far away as possible from him, did I truly acknowledge what an abusive situation it was brewing up to be. Long time readers may recall that he’s the one that drove like a maniac ranting in a jealous rage, got caught out, lied, called me a psycho, and turned out to actually be lying, and also slammed a door at me, hitting my wrist. Obviously I was still there, so I hadn’t judged the situation adequately. Yet.

No, I judged it when he was shouting at me and being very aggressive and I asked him to stop. He then cowered on the floor covering his head, and mimicking what he imagined was me as a child he said “Oh pretty please! It’s scaring me! I don’t like it when mummy and daddy fight!” and then sort of did that maniac laugh like at the end of the Thriller video. I literally went cold and it was like reality slapped me in the face. Within 48 hours, we were over and my flight was booked.

There were too many situations with him where I could and should have judged the situation and hit my eject button but denying, rationalising, minimising and even wondering what I had done to ‘provoke’ this in him, kept me hanging around for far too long – this man displayed anger issues the first time we met, yet went from “angry asshole” to boyfriend material…

Older and wiser, I’m not afraid to judge a situation because it helps me to make decisions and also keeps me safe, plus enables me to live authentically and happily. What worries me is that the more I read about what could be viewed as ‘objections’ to having boundaries, to distancing from inappropriate situations, and even calling a spade a spade, is the more I recognise that people who aren’t making judgements about situations or even a person’s behaviour have a problem with appearing judgemental and conversely with thinking that their judgement has more power than it does.

Judgement: The ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions. (source Oxford English Dictionaries)

This is a fundamental part of life. Whether you recognise it or not, you make decisions (not always considered…) and come to conclusions (not always sensible) every single day. When I walk to the pedestrian crossing, I look left and right and judge that it’s safe to walk.

Behind Every Excuse is the Real Reason

September 23, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Just like how on the other side of a jumped boundary lies disrespect, on the other side of an excuse often not only lies at least some element of disrespect but also the real reason.

An excuse is a reason that is given to justify an offence or fault but its primary purpose is to lessen responsibility by getting you to overlook, excuse, or even forgive off the back of it. This of course is rather tricky because when there’s excuses it means that any commitment is being lessened, which means everything else tied to it becomes pretty flimsy. You may also be overlooking things that are busting up your boundaries.

Saying “The dog ate my homework” gives the impression that you’ve been a victim of misfortune and avoids conflict whereas saying “I couldn’t be arsed to do my homework” or “I forgot” makes you look lazy and lacking in conscientiousness.