When I was a kid, my mum would always say stuff like ‘If you keep sulking, the wind will change and your face will stay stuck like that’, the classic Jamaican saying ‘Those who can’t hear will feel’, and more notably, ‘Remember the boy that cried wolf?’
As I read the stories of women the world over trying to get their Mr Unavailable or assclown to come around to their way of thinking, I realise that Mr Unavailables (and assclowns) regard the women who are involved with them as crocodile tear criers. The first time we shouted the modern day dating equivalent of ‘WOLF!’, they were probably scared.
“I can’t take this anymore!”
“We’re over!”
“Well p*ss off back to your ex then!”
“You pull this ever again and we’re through! You got me?!”
But there is one thing that let’s them know that you’re crying wolf – you’re still there.
So when you say:
“I can’t take this anymore!” – He learns that actually, you can because you’re always widening your yardstick to accomodate his behaviour.
“We’re over!” – He learns that it’s an empty threat. It’s over till you panic about who he’s with, where’s he’s at, who he’s doing, and how you’re ever going to resist him/get over him.
“Well p*ss off back to your ex then!” – He takes you at your word and then you hunt him down to come back and even take up the role of the Other Woman to keep him in your life. Or as soon as the words are out of your mouth, you apologise for saying it and even apologise for his behaviour!
“You pull this ever again and we’re through! You got me?!” – He does it again, and you stay.
You see, even though many of us have little or no boundaries, we’re astute enough to recognise that if we create enough drama and make enough threats, some action results from it.
Unfortunately the struggle between Mr Unavailables and Fallback Girls means that the relationship and you getting them around to your way of thinking becomes the equivalent of a hell of a lot of struggles to create the sum of a lot of minuscule actions (often two steps forward, two steps back, or half a step forward, four steps back…), that amount to a minuscule relationship lacking in love, trust, respect, and care.
You end up living off crumbs. You have to make a big deal out of the little things and one woman’s crumb becomes your overblown loaf.
The first time you raised hell, they were scared. Maybe even the second, third, and tenth time.
At some point, they realised that you were mostly talk and worked out the pattern of the dynamic between you both.
Because you’re still there, he thinks it’s empty threats.
As I’ve explained to many a woman struggling to extricate herself out of her barely there relationship, especially the ones wondering why he hasn’t got in touch/when he will, or if they should make the first move, the dynamic between you both has created a pattern that let him make assumptions about what you will or won’t do.
This means that even when they’re not around, they take enough comfort in the pattern that they know to feel confident enough to believe that you will, in time, behave in the way that they have come to expect.
This is why whatever is the longest period of time you’ve been apart, not communicated etc – you need to exceed this and then some. For a lot of them, it’s only when they realise that you are not doing what they expect from you that they get a signal to their brain full of tumbleweed telling them that maybe things are not going in the way that they expect.
It’s at this point that should he choose to make contact, you have a window of opportunity to show you mean business and reinforce your boundaries. Or…in your eagerness to bathe in the minuscule trickle of water from his near to dry fountain of attention and emotion, you demonstrate again that you’re crying wolf.
And let me point out, even though we have our own meaning for why we say or do something that causes us to break away from our self-imposed opportunity to distance ourselves from them, they only get one message – she still wants me.
You might be thinking about being compassionate and nice and wanting to show you’re the bigger person. For them, attention is attention.
Often when these guys hunt you down and keep popping up in your life, they’re like that horrible kid who has damaged an animal and keeps coming back and poking at it to see if it’s still alive.
Don’t let that be you.
Tempting as it can be to throw wobblers to try to get them to tow the line, you end up marginalising yourself and teaching them that you’re a woman of inaction who likes drama.
He then becomes like a kid who knows that if he stays out past his curfew that there will be a punishment, but has decided that excitement and benefit of staying out far outweighs the consequences on his return.
Don’t have some guy who doesn’t know his arse from his elbow, listening to you and thinking ‘Yeah, yeah’.
Be decisive and show through actions. Be a wolf, in fact be a she-wolf and keep the dodgy men behind the boundary lines.
Your thoughts?
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NML – Love Love LOVED this post.
I felt so empowered after reading it… keep them coming!
So i’m clear – keeping my boundaries in place and cutting off my AC means when he tries to make contact (usually through text) I continue NOT RESPONDING?
And at mutual friends homes, if i should see him, am I polite? Do i ignore him? How do i continue to show that i’m dead serious?
Can’tstopthepain – You show you’re dead serious by not doing what you normally do. Just because you speak to someone or are polite to them, doesn’t mean you’re getting back together with them. You have no need to respond to a text message. If you bump into him some place, nod and move on, or say hi and move on. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Decline going to mutual friends homes until you’re in a place where you;re not likely to be affected greatly.
AnnieD – I think at this point you have to listen to you rather than him. If you wrote down your whole relationship, I think you’d see a pattern that would leave you very uncomfortable. Doing the same thing is definitely not working or even doing variations of the same thing – you’ve got to be totally different to him, i.e without him.
Pfuelli – Thanks for purchasing and glad that you are making progress. Stay the course. There will be tough times – expect them and be prepared to deal with them and you will deal with them
shoelvr – Go for it and after a while, you will forget that you’re ‘in NC’ and just be living and enjoying you.
@de-lightedtobefree & @Mary C Don’t just pray – believe. Hope is nice but saying ‘I will” is better. In fact, ‘This *is* that time – make it that time.
Stand by you. Take the focus off him and bring it right back to you. Don’t lose sight of why you opted out and don’t be trapped by your feelings. Remember that it takes a while for your heart to catch up with your head
@no_more I’m so glad you realised that there is zero need to send a birthday card because it would have been futile and it wouldn’t have made you the bigger person – it would have made you a doormat. Take the last line of what you’ve put in your comment and write it on a big note to stick somewhere pride of place.
@txwoman Excellent analogy. There’s a lot to be said for using child references because that’s where some of these guys are stuck..
@Laura J Yep! You’ve seen it all in action there and it just goes to show that it’s about showing that you mean business, that you’re a woman of your word and that whatever has gone on before won’t be replicated. They take a while to get that message because they think they can wear you down…like they have before.
@Posh Even if you fall off the wagon, learn the lesson from burning your hand on the fire and get back on the wagon. Some of us learn not just through the common sense of what is taking place but need to feel it too. Now that you know nothing is out there, you don’t have to ponder the mystery.
@Michi Thanks for your comment but the site is still being worked on, however it definitely won’t be reverting to the previous template, or should I say if it does, it still won’t be exactly the same. Sorry that you don’t like it. If there are suggestions as to what you feel can work, please email contact AT baggagereclaim DOT co DOT uk.
@Nele A higher place? Like where? Heaven? Your friends are too funny but not that funny! They clearly don’t have great relationship habits. The key is to know how to filter out the noise. If I’d listened to what friends said, I’d be chasing assclowns today. Your friends don’t always know what’s best for you, especially if they’re not making the best decisions for themselves.
@aphrogirl Very wise words. I think if you can recognise the dynamic then you know what you’re being a party to and can address it. Thanks for your kind words re the site. I am still getting it tweaked but it is certainly far less cluttered and that was the primary aim.
NOTE – He can be VERY persistent and very charming when it suits…. i’d like to avoid being a drama queen… but telling him to FU** OFF in a nice way.
NML, you’re a genius!
“…they’re like that horrible kid who has damaged an animal and keeps coming back and poking at it to see if it’s still alive.”
Exactly so … We are literally barely alive and laying somewhere (obvious), so the AC can find us – for what? can we honestly expect these men to kneel down next to us and lovingly carry us off into the sunset?
No, we know what they are going to do … kick at us with their foot, nudge us a little to see if we’ll come back around.
And you know what? It isnt long before the nudging becomes a violent kick to the heart.
This damaged woman doesnt want to lay around waiting for the next blow… they hurt! I’m going to try something completely different and slink off somewhere safe, where he will never find me again.
I downloaded your book about 3 months ago, which is about the time that I realized I didn’t want to be the fallback girl anymore (which, by the way, has been going on for 3 years). It has been two months since I shut him out of my life and it isn’t always easy. So far, he has not attempted to contact me, but the holidays are usually a good excuse for him to come around again.
So thank you for this post! It just reinforces to me that I have made the right decision for myself and that I deserve SO much than anything he could ever give to me.
Love this post!!! It reinforces that this is NOT what or who I want to be!!! Ugh – I can’t believe I let myself be this girl for the last year. I am only about 2 weeks into no contact and it has been tough…and this is not my first attempt at it – but this time I am seriously committed to it and can’t wait to hit the 3 month and then 6 month mark!!! Thank to you NML and all of the comments that make me feel like I have not been the only fallback girl out there – this site is really helping me!!! Thanks again!!!
Love the new look NML 🙂
Am praying I can get through this NC, I’ve known him for seven years but this is the first time I’ve ever said ” I never want to see or speak to you again’. When I get to this point with someone I mean it and if I have gone back to friendship it has alway’s been about two years after when the dynamic of the frienship has changed and they no-longer have power over me. Hoping this is one of those times.
peace
I too cried wolf so many times I lost count. NC 30+ days seems to be working and like de-lightedtobefree I pray I don’t break. NML keep writing those articles its where I go when I feel the urge to contact him. I’ll be glad when my heart catches up to my brain.
After he completely shut me out and ended the relationship, I can’t believe I actually thought about sending him a b-day card. A part of me felt it rude if I didn’t show some acknowledgement. I had to slap myself! NML is so right, attention is attention. They gain pleasure from the simple fact you even communicated. Let’s them feel you still care. It took me 7.5 yrs to finally understand that. I thought I was being the mature & bigger person, but all I was doing was exactly what he expected. I was a revolving door, but this time I left him alone and I know he didn’t expect that.
I been NC since the summer and it’s the longest I’ve gone. I am proud of myself, but the upcoming holidays make me a little down. I just can’t deal with his problems or making me feel awful anymore. That’s not love.
Great post, but I’m mostly here to comment on the new layout. It’s *really* hard on the eyes. I think it’s the font.
My ex-eum just popped up and poked me tonight, after 9 months of NC. To see if I was still alive…
I deleted his messages instantly (he sent 4 in one hour! Can you believe that? Out of no where!)
Seeing a message from him popping up stopped my heart for a second. But I am not going back there, to being a woman of inaction and drama. I´m going to read up on boundaries right now! Thanks for this blog NML!
Oh, in response to Tiffany, and i´m very sorry but I too find this lay out not as easy to read as the old one.
Thanks Tiffany and truthhurts. It’s being corrected shortly.
Ladies,
This post is so true. Have you ever watched a mother and child at a park or in any store, and wondered why the child is acting up? Simple. The mother has given the child nothing but empty threats, and the child has figured out that no matter what they do, there are absouletly no consequences on them. Mom may even get to the point of crying and being distraught, but as long as there is nothing that is going to impact the child, everything is just fine. This is the exact same situation with A/Cs and Mr. Unavailables, and until you set the boundaries, they will act however they want to, because they know you really don’t mean it. So let’s all learn to mean it.
This post gave me goosebumps. Natalie this is a terrific post and so so true. When I finally did limited contact (we have a daughter) it took him months and months to finally believe I meant it, this time was so upsetting (but so worth it) and it was exactly because I had cried ‘wolf’ and made so so so many empty threats before and always gone back after a few weeks. He pulled every ‘trick’ out of the hat to make me crumble, then he ran out of ‘tricks’ got bored and has moved onto his next ‘victim’ or should I say ‘victims!’ Thank you so much! Keep em coming. x
This has so been me this week was so good on no contact for 3 weeks then was just getting over it then he text and daft me replyed then nothing for a week then yet again bang on a week he text again and I caved in and now a pattern has formed he knows I will reply I have no will power I know he is no good for me and treated me badly and yet still get drawn in from today I have to be strong other wise I will be stuck with it and i’m so ready not to be made a mug of anymore. And from reading this site has given me the guts to. So wished I had found this site a while ago was shocked at how many of us have been treated like this amazing no longer for me thats for sure.! Big hugs to every girl on here its an awful feeling.
I love this site and I love the content but I really preferred the old layout/colour scheme, it was easier to navigate and nicer to look at…. 🙂
An absolutely great post (and like the new layout).
This is one of the few sites that really EMPOWERS women as opposed to the usual ‘run yourself a nice bubble bath and buy yourself a new top’.
no_more: in the same situation! His b-day is coming up and I actually thought of giving him a card (after he announced on Facebook he was single again without even dumping me!!). I nearly slapped myself!!!! And then I thought, wouldn’t it be a great business idea to design cards along the lines of ‘I wish you a truly rotten birthday, you empty little twit – may you wake up in a prison cell, drunk and covered in poo’? Masses of people would beat a path to my door!
Seriously. That post hit home because a LOT of female friends email me goody-goody stuff about ‘why not find a higher place, where he is just alright and you are alright? can you only be the ‘good guy’ because he is the ‘bad guy’?
I don’t advocate hatred, but we must learn that these guys are destructive and bad and need to be avoided. They ARE the bad guys and they WILL destroy you. It’s a serious problem for women (was for me!) to NOT call a spade a spade.
Now I’m on the way. Had a date today with a guy who seemed nice but was surrounded by walls, totally uninterested in my private life, kept me at arm’s length and announced he would be free for another date maybe in two week’s time, after his friends had visited and his job would be quiet and bla bla bla. My former self would have made an extra effort … and now I thought, no, never, ever, ever, ever again. You’re either available or you aren’t.
So the phone went tomnight and i screamed when I saw his number but I could not resist. He asked how I was and I cried, saying I was still hurt upset and angry, but to please get on with hs life and in time I would be fine. He asked if he could do anything…WTF! If I had a mean bone in my body I would have said, ‘isn’t that like Hitler asking a jewish person if they wanted a bandaid! Not sure if I made that up or if I read it somewhere. and not a nice image, or comparison I know, I apologise if this offends anyone. I know this is his ‘friendship card’ and I ain’t buying it, I hope he is in trouble I really do, I hope he is not happy, I hope his falls down a snow slop and breaks his neck…there I said it. Thing is, I am a loving person, how can I turn love into hate! this is what has me so mixed up.. I don’t want to hate, I want to love, it’s not in my nature to hate. This is why I am a fallback girl it’s the forgiveness, I too easily forgive and yet this time I know I cannot forgive. The last line of (I think) Romeo and Juliet.. ‘how can so much love turn into so much hate’.
De, it’s a bad dynamic, bad habit, and eventually we come to a place where we want to rise above drama and pain and then ask the guy to do so, but…. for whatever reason, they can not, or will not, or do not want to rise above it.
It really does not matter why. What matters is noticing that it hurts to not be able to count on them to be a solid, stable loving person in our life.
I think you can love, forgive and also refuse to continue an unhealthy relationship. We do no one a favor by tolerating and enabling really bad behavior. And we here most certainly see that we do a disservice to ourselves when we keep giving them a chance, over and over, ad nauseum.
That is what NC is about. Love you, and tough love them enough to let it go and stop the unhealthy dynamic. Enough is enough. Strength, and newfound wisdom, you have it, now just believe it. oxoxo
ooops FWIW…I forgot to mention that I like the new layout, it’s less cluttered, and I find it just as easy to read, though different
It is pretty bright, but I calib my monitor to be less bright, cause that’s the way I like to read everything
Thank you aphrogirl, I love how you alway’s leave me a sweet helpful message, I truly appreciate it. You have defined exactly the message I needed ot hear. This is such a roller coaster and I have been tryng for the last month not to give into the drama seaking but I cannot ignore the hurt and pretend it’s not there. This was a defining experience and you are sooo right, I wanted to rise above, I wanted it to be real without the drama but he could not, so absolutely on the money. I will not give him the friendship he wants, that is for sure, he doesn’t deserve it. He is not the good guy he pretends to be.
Thanks again 🙂 xx
Thanks for your response NML.
Well it’s unfortunate that at times like this when you’re trying to “wean” off of an addiction, you may have to avoid some of the people you love and who you know will help you get through this.
He will ALWAYS use our friends to get to me… as much as I used to say that i would completely avoid him and how much he makes me sick, i would spend about 3 hours getting ready and looked like i was about to walk the red fu***** carpet at every get together. Hottest off the chain outfit, perfect makeup…. he would show up with greasy hair and a sweat suit… one look at me and it was like he knew that i was still “there”
I’m staying true to NC, which means not pursuing him by prancing around looking sexy to entice him.
I’ve already gone 9 horrid months of NC last year secretly hoping he would see the God Da** light and come to his senses. I may have been Fu**** him the whole entire time, i spent those months waiting.
I now understand the true meaning of NC and finally set my boundaries straight, i’m closing that door and moving forward.
2 more months and i’m changing my number – big step for me…. i think i can do it.
Dear NML thanks for responding and supporting us all … 🙂
The friend who says this often (today a long email about how my dreadful ex is a good person and just did what’s right for him because we all just do what we can yada … sigh) is an otherwise lovely lady who is, right now, in and out of the police station because her most recent ex is an insane, threatening stalker and she had to call the coppers. I don’t wish this on anybody – but after her most recent experience I cannot, cannot understand that in her eyes, I’m just in an angry phase and should quit being judgemental.
I think that’s the main lesson out of this for me. I will now look at the guy and the stuff that’s going on in his life, and only run with the good ‘uns. I will allow myself to be liberally and profusely judgemental as long as it is about MY happiness and sanity.
I am in “No Contact” mode. I had a relationship 18 years ago with
an AC and 5 months ago he pops up out of nowhere and I hung up on him for 3 of the 5 months, but he started leaving messages on my Answering Machine that got to my heart. I agreed to meet him 3 months ago, and everything he said that caught my attention went right out the window. He went from wanting a relationship with me to “Friends with Benefits” (which only happened once), told me sob stories about losing his job, etc. to the economy and guess what I replaced some items he said he pawned so he could work when he found work. Then someone told me he had a girlfriend who was in Jail and he was visiting her, and when I confronted him he lied. I knew I was going to have to “walk” but kept putting it off, then he began to exhibit familiar behaviors I experienced with him years ago, except then he walked off into the sunset with someone else. I was as usual getting nothing from this so called “relationship” so I left him a message 4 weeks ago, told him I needed a break, and blocked him from calling me. It was really hard till I found this site. Thank goodness! I am not healed yet, but I am getting there, and glad to read I did the right thing in cutting him off.
Thank you so much NML for your message 🙂 Yes I will believe and I will stand by me. This is the second time straight after a major death in my life he kicked me when I was down, by going off with another woman, can’t believe I fell for it a second time, thats the stinger. He ruined it for himself, and he is dead to me, that I know for sure. He killled everything with his actions, his words were hollow…just like him Stupid stupid man.
He text again last night to test me I had a bad fall last weekend and he heard about it and was checking I was ok and I caved in again as I thought he was being genuine the odd thing he just text’s to see if I’m ok, not to meet up or anything why stay in touch if no intentions of seeing me whats the point! I feel bad if I dont reply as i’m that type of person we text a couple of time then it goes quite again. I need to grow a backbone but finding it so hard he came out of a 4 years relationship a year ago after she left him maybe she saw him for what he was he say’s she messed with his head but now he is messing with mine. I know what I have to do its just doing it! I’m so confussed its unreal why cant they just leave you alone if they dont want you. But that would be to easy lol!
NML,
This new format is really difficult to follow, any chance you would return to the previous layout?
Please see my above comment Gayle. If you have detailed specifics then do so via the contact details above. Thanks
Oh, Natalie, I needed this. 2 months NC now and going strong (OK, well – not really strong, but he doesn’t know that…) and you have just reinforced all the reasons I have had for not responding to his contact attempts.
And incidentally, my currently-becoming-ex husband just learned not to mistake willingness to forgive for empty threats. During our last time together, in the course of a rare instance when we both let our tempers loose (I actually used the “f” word a couple of times and raised my voice) I said, “I’m done, let’s end it right here and right now and be done with it for good”. He actually had the temerity to say, “Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that before”. I had. Not many times, but I had. And I had meant it every time because a the time I had been that hurt/angry/frustrated. And afterward, eventually, we would make up. Not because these had been empty threats, but because we were both working on the marriage and I did want to give it a chance.
But, “yeah, yeah”??? That crossed my boundary. He had taken my capacity to forgive and hope for better and mocked it. There was no going back after that. I have my maiden name again now.
The man with whom I had ended the affair prior to ending my marriage as well, had never ridiculed me. After agreeing to see him after my first period of NC I made it clear that I was done playing games. I was willing to retain the friendship because ours had meant a lot to me, but his “weekend fantasy” of our “future together” had to stop. I would not listen to his “commitments” to move to be with me and respond in kind only to have him act like it didn’t happen the next day. His restraint lasted six weeks, I think. Then one day he made ostensible plans to get a divorce, spent hours talking to me about it and – the next morning – told me he was shopping for a new weekend project to do at home. That was it for me. That gesture spoke volumes; everything, in fact, that you listed in your post. I said good-bye the next day and meant it. That was two months ago.
I suppose my point is that everyone gets driven to their limits in a relationship sometimes. In the heat of the moment they want to leave. But – if when cooler heads prevail you still see that what had been done to you really is unforgivable this time – you have to be willing to follow through on your decision to leave. You need to be able to mean it when you break it off, meaning that unless something radical changes, you will not go back just because a little bit of “punishment time” has passed. The first time I went NC I had subconsciously hoped to make a point, I think. The second time, however, I did it to end a hopeless situation. Never say never, etc., but this is not something that will get reversed with a little bit of time and some emails and holiday cards, and more promises.
My point is that – hard as it is – sticking to your guns gets you respect from him, and from yourself. No one ever said earning respect was easy; getting it from yourself is not an exception.
What an epiphany!! I’m laughing at myself at this very moment as I realise what an ass I’ve been…it’s embarrassing. We all sound like drug addicts going through withdrawal as we try to distance ourselves from these AC’s. For me, it’s been 2 weeks…and I’m still checking my phone, emails..etc to see if i get a message from him just so I can ignore it. Hmmm..ironic.
I had to laugh, because I’ve been 7 days no contact and I keep checking my phone to see if he’s called or messaged too. How stupid is that? If I am determined not to contact him, why do I want him to contact me? It really is like an addiction. Do I check to see if the ice cream really wants to contact me when I’m craving it? The longest I’ve ever been no contact in the 7 1/2 years we’ve been together is 2 weeks. So this time I can’t wait to celebrate the 1 month mark which will be on Christmas Day. I will do it this time.
And another thing — why if I’m doing no contact do I feel so rotten about the possibility of him having sex with someone? I feel obsessed worrying about it, even though I’m trying to not ever ever ever be with him again.
I need some insight pronto! I don’t know why I am feeling this way…please helppppp!! don’t want to do something of which I am going to repent big time later!
To make matters short: I broke up, in really bad terms, with my ex a little over a month. He left his job to move here to be with me. He came from another state. He actually left a job that was not really going to go anywhere so thought he would build a life here with me and make things work together. He expressed his love for me in more than one way….was very fast and very direct too. He came after 4 months of having a relationship via phone…he was the most wonderful man I had ever met and did everything a woman wants from a man. He was truly the perfect boyfriend. I, in turn, made everything perfect for his arrival….got a new apartment ( a bit bigger for both), got it completely ready so that when he arrived, he would have peace, tranquility, in order to start building up his new life with me. He swore he would do everything in his power to get a job. To help us both. He wanted to study, to be a better man, with me. I did everything so that this man would not have a worry on earth when he came to be with me.
The man who arrived behaved well for, I would say, two weeks…then things started…. For once, he could not leave his cell phone alone for anything in the world! no matter if we were together trying to “get to know each other”…if friends called, he was there to answer and chat. For as long as it took. I called him on it as disrespectful behavior many times. Finally, he slowed down the frequency of the phone calls but was resentful that he had to hide in order to talk.
Secondly, he had a particular ex-girlfriend who would not stop calling him either. Was that a huge problem for me? YES, but the worst was that he never picked up her calls in my presence….he only called her back when I was not home. I know because I got a hold of the cell bill for him. Turns out, when I confronted him, that she was just a friend now…the problem was that she did not even know he had moved to another state to be with his new girlfriend. But …why not answer the phone in my presence? why called her when I was not home? he promised once that he would stop returning her calls…well, that did not happen. He called her again. But, I was being qualified as extremely insecure, and with very little self-esteem. Ok…..
Not only was he calling the ex, or returning her calls, but also many other women friends. Funny thing was, never when I was there…never in front of me. If they were only friends, then why not with me, his new beloved girlfriend right next to him? I would not have had an issue, if the phone calls had not taken place when I was away on business and at odd hours of the night…his answer always was that he had always been a people person, with many many friends….always….it was not his fault I did not have any friends….HA!
His attitude toward me started changing with that. He became distanced but I did too…I stopped trusting the guy. Many times the arguments were so terrible, I left the apartment and went to get some time out and peace somewhere else…by myself. I never disrespect our relationship, if you want to call it that. I tried to talk to him and explain why his behavior was hurting to me…I explained in every single way possible, calm, collected, friendly, nice, then lost my temper many times and screamed too…I could not find the way to make him understand….what did I get in return? always a “you are insecure” you probably were burned in past relationships to blame me for things I do not do” etc etc…. I felt so many times so upset that I chose to leave him alone overnight …to calm down and think…I did not know what to do anymore so I went to my girlfriend’s house to sleep. He hated that I left him alone as he always said: he was new in this town and did not know a soul…I was mean for doing that and immature….
Finally, things got so bad that I left him again but for several days this time. I was fed up with him. Everytime I found something out….I had to look…I had lost trust….I did not know how to protect myself from being lied to…or used to….because, let’s make something clear…he never looked for a job on his own….he never got out of the house to look for work, he wanted me to find him a job because I have a good job. I paid for every thing…everything….I was basically paying for him to leave with me. He spent the days talking to his female club fan and male friends on the phone and when I would come back home…nothing….he had done nothing. But I was the insecure one and the one who wanted to put rules for him to live under and respect.
He started saying he wanted to find his freedom again…that if I loved him enough I would let him fly away to find his ways …in terms of job, career, etc…he had to take care of things in his life before trying to be happy with me…. He had to offer me more….so he left to be with his sister, in a party town,…and now is doing nothing again…well…he is soliciting women as friends in Facebook and God only knows what.
But his argument always was…..I was immature, insecure, little or no self-esteem….and I could not talk during arguments but only left the place and left him alone. I kicked him out of my apart. close to 5 times….he always found a way to come back until the last time when I kicked him out so nastily, he finally had to leave….he knew I was not going back this time. Because I was “so mean” to him the last time, his sisters, who proclaimed to love me, shut me off too…I turned out to be the bad one in front of his family and friends….never mind I helped him with everything I could and more…never mind I pushed him to learn, to study, never mind he read his first book in English because of me, never mind he never had to pay for anything to be here…..but I turned out to be evil and a woman with mental problems…lol….. OH MY GOD….
Can somebody please tell me why I sometimes feel mean that I am not answering his pathetic attempts to make contact with me? He called once after 20 + days of NC from me, and I did not answer…he left a message with an excuse….then, the ims…which I did not answer either….but sometimes, just sometimes, in the back of my mind, I think: Was I really mean for leaving him alone those nights in a town where he did not know anybody? was I really immature for not staying to talk things over? was I the problem?? was I insecure?? thinking this sometimes makes me want to call him and not to get him back, but to apologize…..he, for once, has never said sorry for the things he did. HELPPPPPP!!! someone has to help me drag my head out of the clouds!!!
lordy, the crazymakers……you can stay with them and let yourself go crazy or you can walk away, tell them to leave you alone, tell them you only want healthy, honest, hard working people in your life, tell them you cannot keep giving without receiving anything in return, tell them they need to learn to take care of themselves.
No one can love and care for you until they know how to do so for themselves. Conversely, one cannot love another well until one knows how to love and cares for oneself.
PS.. I also suspect that the crazymakers can have an insidious effect on the psyche, in that they can make you stop loving yourself. Maybe because you end up hating the way you become as you put up with all their lies and other assorted assclownery, and they try to make you feel cruel for calling them on bad behavior.
No matter, it’s a weird experience and I found it necessary to go NC to stop the confusion and figure out what was going on. It’s been months of recovery, and its way better in NC because it’s getting clearer how unhealthy it was.
This post and comments speak exactly to what I went through when I broke NC last time, the Trainwreck gradually eased back into my life, slowly building me up just to let me down, way down, with his immaturity and lies. I found myself sobbing for an entire day, over what?? seeing each other a few times with him building walls faster than I could keep track of them. I don’t know why they make us so crazy, whatever deep psychological patterns are awakened, but because they do, and because they ALWAYS disappoint, we need to just not go there. Passion goes both ways, love and hate. I too want to forgive, and do forgive (as if I see things he doesn’t), but it just causes me more pain.
Also, I highly recommend the book “He’s Scared, She’s Scared” (maybe I heard of it on this site?) It’s helped me understand some of these guys’ behavior better, as well as helped me uncover some of my own commitment issues.
Confusedtroubled,
Personally, I dont think you made any mistakes. If he wanted a job and wanted a better like for BOTH of you…you wouldn’t have had to push him to study English, or secretly find out about his random women-fan-clubs.
dont bother with him. you’ll meet someone who loves and respects you. that guy just wanted things to fall into his lap and you delivered just that.
1. apartment
2. you aka girlfriend
3. all expense paid VACA
4. someone that’s not home so he can talk to exes and all of his friends about how GREAT he’s doing.
5. have a job fall into his lap.
it’s not up to YOU to set him up with a job and a life. he shouldve come to you with a plan and goals and not have tricked you. i think he knew exactly what he was doing. he’s only trying to get you back because he wants everything back (but not YOU). He wants the life you live but without responsibility and COMMITMENT to a relationship and in turn …to you. It’s not fair. But I’m glad you havent made contact or even bothered with him.
So here is my story…I dont know if I need advice or not, I just need to get it off my chest.
My first semester of college I met a guy five years older than me. I was 18, he was 23. We started hooking up after about two months of “chatting” away nights and talking in class together. I didnt think he was THE ONE or anything, but I wanted to get over my “first love” (that only lasted like four months in high school). We hooked up for two months and he was really persistant about having sex (though i was a virgin and refused to. plus he never EVER acknowledged we were together.) In january (two months in) I said that if he wanted to continue this, he had to commit to a relationship. I wanted the label and the responsibility. If that didnt happen, I didnt want to see him anymore. he bitched, but agreed. (should’ve left him then)
After about a week, I realized he NEVER paid any attention to anything I said. all we did was hook up and he just talked about his stupid job. we never ever connected. I told him it was over, it wasnt working out. he said we could fix it, let’s work this out. I stayed. he paid more attention, listened. Things were better. Something was missing though. I felt like he was pining over his ex (some girl he dated for three months) that “got away.” One night we were talking about watching movies and he said he couldnt watch a particular movie and it was because of the ex. I asked him if he still loved her. He said “love is forever. yes. Is that a problem?” DING DING DING. It was a problem. Should have left him then too! Didnt. Said it wasnt a big deal. It was. It’s now May, havent had sex still but he always bitched about it. When was it going to happen. blah blah. At one point, we were lounging around hooking up again and he got so frustrated, stood up and was like “What–do you want me to say ILOVEYOU or something?”
I know I know. Shouldve left him then too. I said no. Went home, and cried. About a month and a half later, we did it. it sucked. And I still dont know why I did it. I just thought “well…he’s okay…been together a while….Im 18…” and it happened. and it was painful and just something Im glad is over.
Fast forward to December. I flipped out via email (I was a coward and couldnt talk about certain things in person). I told him he was a jerk for not loving me even though he had everything from me (keep in mind I spent tons of money buying little things for him, t-shirts, dumb things that ADD UP…meanwhile he had a high paying job and I was a waitress at a deadend bar). We broke up for maybe two weeks and then I took him back. dont know why. We had stupid fights all the time. Fast forward to the next december (last year), I had had enough. I wanted to meet someone new (and almost had) and I needed to get out. I called him one night and told him it was over. He was still in love with his ex and not watching movies, all of the crap just added up and I was done. When he could LIVE his life in the present, to get back to me. Of course he didnt and for some reason (i kick myself now), I kept in contact with him. At first, he contacted me every day…for about two or three weeks. After that….I contacted him. all the time. for five months we didnt see each other.
He says he didnt see anyone. I do believe him (am I stupid, was that dumb?) but I really do believe him. he was always there to talk to, and never did anything. he has no friends and still lives with his parents (hes just not that kind of person…I guess everyone says that).
One day I wanted to see him…and he didnt. He said that he just didnt feel like it. …after five months of not seeing me. …however the next weekend, I did go over, we didnt even talk and just hooked up. but no sex. So we were “back together” but without having said it. And here we are now.
we havent had sex since august (of this year), I’ve been out of the country, had the flu and downright dont FEEL LIKE IT OR WANT TO. while I was out of the country…he didnt talk to me that much. but when I was back in the US …but not in the same state (but same time zone) HE NEVER BOTHERED WITH ME. I dont get it. I know there’s no one else…it’s just that he doesnt care. or show it. But…WHY. I dont get it.
so here I am…and I dont know what to do. I’ve cried break up SO MANY TIMES. I mean it…and then it doesnt happen. I just want it to be done…but why am i not doing it. I want to send a text to end it…but…that is impersonal, I am not a coward. but I dont know what to do. and it’ll kill me if I DO end it and he doesnt care. the past three years …wasted? I’m 21 and I shouldnt feel like this. No one should…but…I dont know what to do. I dont have many friends at all. Im working and going to school. my problem in breaknig up with him in the past has been that at night…when im lonely…I’d text or IM him. I dont want to be that girl.
I dont know. I know it’s STUPID to think “things will change.” I mean, EVEN IF THEY DID, I dont think my feelings (how hardened theyve become) can change. Im just so apathetic towards hims…and when he tries to kiss me or something…Im angry. I just get annoyed with him like Im going to snap. and when he raises his voice (not shouting, but in a child like tantrum), I just want to snap and tell him to get out or grow up and kick him out of my life for good.
I probably sound more bitter than usual. I am PMS-ing.
I dont want to hear “JUST KICK HIM TO THE CURB” because I KNOW what I SHOULD be doing, I just need logic, understanding, relating—I dont know what I need. I just need something. Help!
I just broke up with my AC because of his habit of white lies. I am so adamant about having an honest person; I am truly honest so I expect the same out of someone. (Is that too much to expect?) This past summer he took up a nasty tobacco habit and I found out. He said he would stop, I found out again. Its now December and I discovered it again! I even had told him that I understood addiction was a problem the second time around (he made me feel bad by explaining that he just wanted to impress me and be perfect in my eyes) and I told him he could come to me and I would help him, but he is such a closed person that he just chose lying again. I feel so humiliated and worthless that he chose a nasty habit over me, when he truly treated me well in many other areas. Regardless, I am sticking to this decision this time because as NML points out I am just asking for a beating if I attempt to be stupid once more. Any thoughts anyone? Is it true “once a liar always a liar?” Thanks!
AlsoConfused,
thank you so much for taking the time to comment for me. Sometimes just seeing somebody else’s opinion, not a friend, not a relative, but somebody neutral, helps a lot. Perhaps I can now you some insight as well:
You know? I know it is easy to say…but I am truly believing now that time is the only answer to all this madness. It has been madness!! truly…this past month for me has been madness….mainly because these assclowns leave you in a total state of confusion and darkness…they come and totally destroy your self-esteem and then go on to the next victim…and you are left sitting there, wondering…What just happened? And it is maddening because you think you are a person of value, which they totally make you question. You feel that you are going to be ok during the days but feel terrible at nights…you cry yourself to sleep because you miss the dream, the illusion…you miss the fantasy that he built for you before he truly showed you who he was. His real self. And with time, you come to realize that his real self is one you should pity…not hate nor miss, because that is giving him too much importance, but pity….because he will never have a real, decent, loving life. Life is fair…because at the end, they all pay for the things they do to us.
I have not answered ONE of his calls nor his messages and will never again do so. Time and distance have helped me see that this person was a disaster in my life…someone who has so many issues and problems that he will never be truly happy. Will he have “women” feeding his ego throughout life? most likely yes and lots …as he has had and has now…but he will never be truly loved for who he is and will never have one special person in his life, he will never know what love is. …and will never have a decent and honorable life next to somebody of worth. The women he is seeking are the easy kind. That I know. He will never have somebody like me in his life. He left because he knew that he could not manipulate me anymore. He left because, as you said, he could not get his way with me. The lives they lead are ones of superficiality and emptiness. At least, my ex AC has been leading this kind of life and will always be. This is not bitterness, although it might sound like it…..this is realization……of what I have been going through and why..and why I had nothing to do with the dismiss of this call it “relationship” because I am for real and he is not.
So, he can stay far ..very far away from me…because his calls are not needed anymore…his words would not mean a thing to me now… I don’t need him anymore….and I mean this….even if he begged, cried, mopped the floor with his little pathetic self, I would never ever go back to him. I am on my way to better things now in life…and I know I can achieve everything I want. He won’t. He doesn’t have a clue ….
Even his friendship is not needed anymore…he does not deserve mine. He never cared for me while he was here so why would he do it now? He thinks he has a lot of friends but I could bet anything that those friends laugh at him, behind his back, because this man, who is 40 years old by the way…has never done anything good with his life and has nothing to show for it….he has nothing….in both the personal and professional aspects…and his friends are all married, with families to take care of, and responsibilities in life. They see this poor pathetic guy jumping from state to state, holding jobs for a year max, leaving jobs just like that, angering former bosses, zero responsibility sense, ….jumping from one bed to the other, and now living off his sister. Is that the man I want as father of my children? Certainly not. My parents did not raise me nor gave me my education, with a lot of sacrifice, to accept somebody like that in my life. He fooled me, so I made a mistake…but no more.
Call it an epiphany on my part, I am glad it happened. For the first time in over a month, I can see more light around me….and every time I wake up, I feel this feeling inside me that I did the right thing throwing him out of my house like the cockroach he was….and I don’t regret it. I am starting to feel that I will be able to go on now….but truly go on….I have understanding now in my heart and that is all I wanted. I am bound for better things in life…and they are just waiting for me to get there. Real happiness is the one I am going to find….and one day, I will look back and think of this pathetic man as an experience that gave me tremendous strength and courage…but did not destroy me. And life will prove me right.
.-= Confusedtroubled….´s last blog ..Suicide Bombing and Jesus Christ =-.
🙂 Congratulations! I am really happy for you and Im sure you’ll attract positive things and people into your life 🙂
I lLOVE this site! There is absolutely nothing else out there that is so helpful. Thanks to all of you for making me realise I’m not the only one dealing with a man like this! I wish myself and all of you good luck in getting past these awful, destructive relationships.
I broke up with my EUM two months ago because I found out he was still seeing and ex while we were living together. I found out because she started calling me and harrassing me, stalking our house, following him and me…..just plain psycho! It’s been two months of NC with him…I know he’s with her now but my question is this…….why is she still passing by my house and calling? I have no contact with him…..he’s with her….she got what she wanted…..and I feel she’s still obsessing about me….anyone know why???
This is by far the BEST one of these sites ive been to. Congratulations ! No sugar coating, no bull and no empty promises. Thanks so much.
confusedtroubled,
isn’t funny how we always turn out to be the crazy ones in the end. If it makes you feel any better, my EUM called me ‘clinically insane’!! ouch. That is when u start to stop fighting for them..
This is such a great article! I am guilty of being the fallback girl who cries wolf and had the talk and think too much syndrome as well. For me I’d been with my a**clown for 5years. He would do everything that the article describes a EUM to do. He treated me like crap. I recently found out that he has a live-in gf. She’s been living with him since 2011 and met his family in June. When I asked him about this he went into a narcissist rage and ultimately called me a “stupid annoying b**ch and stated that he didn’t care about us b**ches”. That was it for me! I wasonly seeing him once a month anyway. Kick me for allowing myself to accept that. So, his distance made it easier for me to walk away.
My last day of contact with him was 7/26 and I went NC after that. He texted me 8/3 and ignored and deleted his text. I can remember when he always gave me the choice to opt-out saying that “I need to join the team or leave because I’m messing it up for the team”& it’s his way or no way. Yeah he was a real a**clown!!! So, he hasn’t contacted me anymore and I hope he doesn’t. I haven’t sen him since 7/3 and it’s been 3 weeks since he sent that stupid “what’s up text”. I’d cried wolf before & never walked away when he opted out but I did this time and I won’t be looking back. Ugh, what a jerk!