Despite keeping a blog and running this site, there are still some thoughts and ideas in my heads that I haven’t shared with oodles of strangers! For years I have had this secret insecurity about men displaying their overt sexual desire for me, and what that means for me in terms of building a relationship with them. I don’t go around thinking that every man desires me, however since the start of puberty I have been able to attract boys and men, but there is secret part of me that thinks that they are focused on looks or trying to ‘hit the jackpot’.
Over the years this fear hasn’t receded, and has privately grown whilst I have failed to address it. Instead I have bounded around, first being serially monogamous and then being a serial commitment phobe that went out with Mr Unavailables. That whole time I’ve had a litmus test for every man that I have dated or been in a relationship with: If a guy makes my physical attributes or his desire to bed me his primary focus by way of what he is saying in conversations or through his actions, things are doomed. There is something internal that feels a wave of disappointment when a guy goes from Mr Gentleman to Mr How Quickly Can I Get Your Clothes Off and Touch You Up. After the wave of disappointment, something does shut down and deep in the back of my mind is a secret knowledge that he has failed the test he didn’t know he sat.
Now despite having this secret test which I didn’t consciously acknowledge, I would often allow things to continue, so that I ended up dating them or in previous years being in a relationship, but every time the guy goes on about looks or sex, something cringes within.
I don’t have a fear of intimacy, but over time I have become aware that a guy needs to desire me as a whole, not what he thinks the physical and sexual attributes may represent.
Where do I think this comes from? I’m not sure exactly where it originated but when people make a fuss of physical appearance, whilst it is complimentary, it is superficial and because every guy has made a fuss of it, something within must have said that guys don’t want to get to know ME. They want to know what they feel like knowing, what they think I ‘should’ be based on my physical attributes, and live off the dream. Every guy I date or end up in a relationship with is attracted to the physical attributes and the apparent personality that goes with it, such as “ambitious”, “outgoing”, apparently secure and self-assured and self-reliant, but that’s not what they want to actually go out with. Once they snare me, they want me to be less ambitious, less outgoing, less secure, and instead, dependent on them, sending a signal to me that whatever I have am isn’t good enough.
It’s like a merry-go-round of insecurity and validation of jacked up notions.
Secretly, I always felt that the type of guy I would want to be in a relationship with, would fancy ME, be sexually attracted to ME, but would want to get to know ME, as a person, as a personality, as a character first. They don’t have to play a monk, but a certain amount of security in him would mean that he wouldn’t be afraid of taking his time and getting to know ME, because the sex naturally follows, but ultimately it’s ME that he wants to get to know.
People are mistaking desiring sex and sexual intimacy as the same thing as desiring someone. They are two totally different things and while sex is important, in the grander scheme of things when a relationship is what you want to be on the cards, it can wait.
As humans we can’t help but be a little superficial (some of us more so than others) but I do firmly believe that the type of person that wants to actually continue dating you and be in a relationship, can fancy you, be sexually attracted to you and convey it, but doesn’t devote the bulk of their energy to trying to bed you or talking about your appearance. If they’re secure, they trust the attraction between you both and believe in getting to know you before trying to get on you, they’re worth far more of your energy.
I went on a date with a guy that actually passed the test, and I actually let out a massive sigh of relief internally. He didn’t act in awe or be overly physical, and didn’t make any sexual innuendos, yet managed to convey on our date that he was very attracted to me and interested in me. Last week I wrote about Toxic Type and it’s safe to say that this guy is definitely not my type, and that my ‘type’ was only fulfilling a self-fulfilling prophecy anyway because it was always going to fail the test.
Who knows what may happen, but the key thing is that I now know that the type of guy that passes my test does exist and I can be attracted to them. Roll on normality!
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Interesting discussion and I too have felt this way. Being above average in looks and many comments about being gorgeous I haven’t treated many past relationships too seriously.
I remember one boyfriend stating that he only dates good looking women and yet he was Mr Average. Perhaps as a 23 year old I was taken by his flattery. Now though this sort of praise tends to scare me.
There may be a couple of reasons for this. I don’t look in the mirror and think wow I’m gorgeous nor do I think I would try to get someone into bed because of their looks. Naively in the past when someone has been smitten I have thought wow this might be the one. It never has. I find myself now in my mid thirties and not necessarily loosing my looks but changing my looks. I haven’t found anyone yet that has passed my test.
I have tried internet dating. What a mess though I do secretly envy friends who have found theirs partners on this website. I always think that it is amusing that with a visible photo I received much interest and without very little. Recently I have been talking to one man for some time over the phone. It really has been great but perhaps we’ve opened up too much, have found out that we have so much in common and so now we are in an odd situation. We’ve never met which frustrates me (hot and cold men topic led me to your website). At this stage I feel hypercritical as I am not sure if I will be attracted to him in person even though secretly adoring him.
It has become clear that the older you get you realise that looks are only a small part of the package but unfortunately our current society (i.e. the one obviously generated by the media and peers) disagrees. I have though thought about my predicament and potentially not being attracted to this man when we meet, but you know what, regardless of whether he’s a Hugh Jackman or a Donald Trump I want to make this work. So hopefully I’ll pass his test?
I have a twist on this topic. Growing up I was negatively teased by my siblings so I could not see my beauty. Yet, I ALWAYS would get so much attention. I would think that the men were just faking or something and even to this day I am hit on continuously. I, sometimes, find myself looking in the mirror and thinking what do they see in me.
Because of this, I have never traded on my looks, I even have a reply for men when they look at me in awh or tell me how lovely I am. I tell them, “I’m so much more than that” and I am! I have always been highly intelligent but my insecurities with my looks have also held me back from being the high achiever that I know I can be. I try to go unnoticed…come late, sit right in front or off in the back, so not to be noticed.
My daughter is a young adult and people, young and old, men and women, oft think we are friends or sisters. I HATE it but she loves it. She likes to dress and wear her hair like me. She too is lovely and highly gifted, intellectually. At the many scholarship banquets and luncheons we attended people would think I was her older sister and not speak with me. This hurt my feelings and hers as she noticed as well. When we told them I was her mother, the women would treat me even worse. I haven’t any female friends, including my sisters and men only want to bed me regardless of the fact that I don’t try to dummy myself down nor sex myself up, I’m just me.
Example, just last Thursday I was sitting with my daughter and the admissions counselor (a man who had already expressed his interest) and advisor (woman) we all got off topic. As I was expressing my perspective on the subject with the others in the room, I looked at him at the conclusion and he literally was salivating. The advisor said to him “what could you have possibly been thinking to make you salivate”. I was completely frustrated as I would like to be seen as an individual and not some sex kitten. Mind you, I do not dress tacky…Talbots, Jones of NY, MorganTaylor(old designer), etc..
So, while I hear what you are saying, I still get men who only see my beauty…regardless of how I present myself. The guy I have been talking to is the same way. He told me two weeks after meeting him that he wanted to do all kinds of things to me. When I asked why and reminded him that we didn’t even know one another; he replied: “because you are sexy and I like you”. Ugh, “that’s a good reason”, I replied.
I can SOOOO relate to what you wrote regarding their minds being focused on getting in the bed with the woman rather than getting to know ME. It makes me sad and frustrated. It will never go anywhere with him as sex is all he wants.
I always wonder if the next will start off with the same okey-doke too!!! : (