While doing a spot of clearing out the other day, I came across an old post (2005) from my now defunct personal blog that sowed the seeds for Baggage Reclaim. I used to get emails from people telling me that they printed this out and carried it in their purse or that they read and re-read it when they were tempted to go back– it tells the story of the pain I went through when I realised that my relationship with my ex-fiance was falling apart and how I came to realise that it was a blessing.
When you have loved someone and been loved intensely, you feel it when their soul leaves you. One day my partner’s heart and soul just upped and walked out of the relationship, and while in the ensuing months, they occasionally crossed the threshold back into the relationship, they always edged back to the door and left me. I, suffused with this knowledge and the insecurity that followed, tried to pull [his heart and soul] back in, and when they retreated even more, I grabbed on and tried to hold on for dear life, but I eventually lost my grip.
It felt as if the sun had gone out of my life. In its place I had light showers, hail stones, snow, and sometimes I had a thunder storm which temporarily bought the sun back in, until something came along to alter the weather and push the sun out. Quite frankly I was frozen out of my partner’s life and left out in the cold – a pretty horrid thing to happen when you both still live under the same roof.
In the early days of the storm there was distance, a lack of interest in anything I said or did, and mystery excuses started to appear for why he couldn’t do things with me that he had either promised to do or would have done before.
Gradually over time he admitted that he had been distant but that he didn’t know why. I’m quite shrewd and have done my fair share of relationship counseling of friends, so I gave him reasons, lots of them actually. I believed that he had grown tired of the relationship. There had been some dramas that we had had to deal with the previous year, and coupled with what must have felt like being a constant support for the student girlfriend, it seemed that his brain had called last orders and I could no longer get a drink from the bar.
Weeks went by and the arguments gained pace, and it seemed that we talked about the ‘situation’ every weekend. I seemed to be like the psychiatrist on the one hand, and the very frightened, insecure girlfriend on the other.
I felt that if we talked things through, that eventually we would get to a breakthrough. I felt bad that shared problems and some of my personal problems had put us here, and I thought that I must work hard to get the relationship to work and resolve things out.
About a month or so into it, when we were having a break for the weekend, he said he wanted to finish it while we talked on the phone. Initially I was calmly upset, and then I broke down in tears, and I remember saying to him that I couldn’t believe that he would “do this” and that I had thought I could trust him, and after everything that we had been through, this was unbelievably painful. After almost two hours on the phone, he said that we should give it another try and came to collect me and took me to our home.
I felt quite shell-shocked and embarrassed. I kept expecting him to let out an evil laugh and tell me I was stupid, and to pack my stuff and get out. Instead he was quite loving, and we even listened to music and watched films together that night, sleeping together afterwards, where I cried, probably with the sheer exhaustion of my emotions. As time went on, it became apparent that he was using the fact that he’d done a U-turn as some sort of leverage against me. I didn’t expect or need him to be throwing it back in my face like a wet rag. I remember saying to him that I would never place myself in that position again and I told him how the whole episode had made me feel, and that I also felt that I had put my self-respect and dignity on the line, something that definitely wasn’t going to happen again. That wiped the sneering look off his face quickly enough, with him quickly backtracking and telling me that I was silly to feel that way.
It took another 6 weeks before our relationship took a complete nosedive. We’d had some stinking rows in the run up to my finals and he was so obnoxious that every time he opened his mouth, I wondered what I had ever seen in him. He was downright nasty on occasion and at times, I hated him. One night he told me he was going to collect a friend at 1am and that he’d be back in an hour and came back twelve hours later. He didn’t call or text until shortly before he arrived home, and laughed at my anger and annoyance. He brought me an expensive dress a few hours later as if that could make everything OK. Six days later I was gone.
I walked away from my engagement, my home, the future that I had planned and walked into a life of uncertainty. I think the stress of the whole thing was the straw that broke the donkey’s back and plunged my immune system into my illness. The amazing thing is that almost two years after walking away, I still don’t regret what I did. I think most people would have thought, Shit, have I made the wrong decision? Should I have stayed?. Not for one moment did I think that, because ‘NML’ [me, Nat] was back and was certain of my choices, certain of my conviction.
While I was ‘devastated’ when we broke up, I think those feelings stemmed from things not working out how I planned, not because I was actually still in love with him. I was devastated at the loss of plans and the change of identity. Loving myself again (more like loving myself at last) had changed the status quo and created chaos. Loving myself made me wise enough to realise that I was well rid but the fragile ego and my emotions pondered the loss of everything that being in a relationship and being engaged represented. You try telling the same story of the breakup over and over again, to your friends and family all over the world and you’ll know what I mean! I’m a swimmer not a sinker, and I always rise back to the top. I recognise the choices I’ve made and I’m determined to learn from them.
There’s obviously a hell of a lot of things that happened in my relationship with him. It wasn’t all him and it wasn’t all me. What I do know is that only one of us tried and let’s just say that the one that tried didn’t have a willy swinging between their legs.
I loved my ex but it wasn’t the right type of love. I think he worked very hard at breaking down ‘hard NML’ and creating an almost dependency on him. He worked very hard to snare this woman who he viewed as being “ambitious”, “outgoing”, “determined”, with “looks” but worked really hard at breaking that down once he nailed me. Bit by bit he jabbed at my self-confidence to bring me to heel and due to lots of family and personal stuff that was going on at that time, it was easy to break me.
I feel that I grew in my time with him and that a lot of it was positive. I am a richer, rounded individual that not only recognises her strengths but recognises her weaknesses too. Maybe I have been too quick to love before, or feel that I am being loved, but it is all experience, and as long as we are learning from it, it can only be good. While I did love him at the time, it wasn’t anything that would last and was partly emotional dependency. I realise that while he may have bought out some of the best of me, he couldn’t love me for me and made me very unhappy. He had some aspects that were “right”, but fell down in areas that are important to me.
The person that you settle down with should be somebody that accepts you for who you are, not who you could be with a “bit of work”.
I want somebody that shares the same values, that respects, loves and trusts me, and is able to share himself and his life. We’ll be individuals, but also a team. Sure, we’ll disagree, but the fundamentals are there to provide a sturdy foundation.
If I had my time again, I wouldn’t want what happened to happen to me again but I can’t turn back time so I say this to him:
Thank you for teaching me some of the most important things in life, and showing me what I do and don’t need. Thank you for testing my strengths and reserves, which have led me to a more fulfilling life, enriched with the wonderful friends and family. Thank you for leading me to what is a much happier life. I hope that you have the same.”
Your thoughts?
PS On an entirely different note, is anyone as obsessed as I am with How To Get Away With Murder? Best thing I’ve watched since Breaking Bad!
Add to favorites
Natalie – just curious – was he upset that you broke the engagement? Was he surprised you walked away? Thanks.
That’s a good question JP. When I told him that I was moving out (it was the day after the disappearance and new dress episode), his head snapped back. He took 3 days off work due to a migraine… Then he disappeared again. Then he was really rude to me on the Sunday after I’d told him and even though I didn’t have a new place sorted, when he left, I packed what I could, left and then called him and let him know that I wouldn’t be there when he got back and he sneered something about me hanging out with loser uni friends and I said I was moving out. That shut him up. He cried when I saw him about a week later. When I found out that he had been cheating on me a week after that, he called me all sorts of names down the phone including “psycho” and claimed that I was lying. A year later, my friend bumped into him with a woman who was saying that they’d just celebrated their year anniversary – the date was a few days before I’d moved out…
I love everything you write. You have got me through some really dark days over the years, i still read your blog every day…And yes even here in Australia we lovvvvvvvvvvve How to get away with Murder its totally a gasp out loud show..
Thank you Louise. Thank goodness I’m not the only one gasping out loud and even squealing in shock at the TV!
Hi Nat,
Thanks for sharing your story with us, I have no doubt that writing this would have been difficult.
While it was great to hear your story and what started you on this journey, for me it make me unsure of whether your blog applies to me anymore.
I too had one of those great loves, where you love them and they love you and we were together for 3 years. I went through a period of depression and I broke up with him and moved to Dubai, a decision I started regretting 3 months after I left and have never moved on from.
So what do you do when you had the perfect relationship, you met your soul mate but you ruined it? We’ve been broken up for nearly 4 years now, we tried sorting things out for about 2 years after we broke up and mid this year he started dating someone and we stopped talking.
How do you draw strength and inspiration from something which was your own undoing? I can’t look back on it like you can and know I made the right decision. I just live in constant regret.
Kind Regards,
Tiffany
Hi Tiffany. I can assure you that while I thought my ex was a great love, he most definitely was not that and it was actually a very toxic relationship that everyone thought was “perfect” and expressed shock about when I left. I completely lost myself, apologising constantly and feeling on edge. The mind games. The relationship broke me. As I talk about in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, my relationship choices were about the pain of the abandonment by my father and my struggles with my mother.
With regards to your relationship, part of what is keeping you stuck is that you keep telling you the same story so you keep feeling the same. I don’t know what a “perfect relationship” is but each time anyone ever describes a partner or relationship as perfect, especially when it’s post-breakup, I know that it’s a code red alert that this person is/was being put on a pedestal and that due to whatever has been going on in life post-breakup that the relationship has taken on a rose-tinted glow.
Regret is wanting to turn back time and you have had a rather extended regret hangover. Your whole life is banked on this one person and this one relationship. You had your reasons for moving to Dubai and yes, you regretted the decision but that does not mean that the decision to break up with him was invalid. You need to be honest with you about why you changed your mind about Dubai (or why you made that decision in the first place) and then you also need to be honest about your relationship with him. You were not the only person in the relationship so if you’re taking the entire blame for the breakdown of the relationship, it tells me that *in* the relationship, you were overcompensating hence why it is easy to see you as the reason for the relationship ending. If the original reason for why your relationship broke down still exists then that is why your relationship could not work.
After I broke up with my ex-fiance, I made a series of very bad decisions that resulted in me being involved in an affair and my health hitting rock bottom. I made the right decision to break up but my inner pain and my lack of understanding of myself meant that it was manifested in some unhealthy choices. My life fell apart and there are things I regret. I did not know what my future would be and when I said that I made the right decision, I was single and my life was still a complete mess at the time. But I was honest about my relationship with him.
I don’t know why you were depressed but take the time to speak with someone about what you have been through because it’s about unexpressed anger turned inwards. I don’t know whether you felt the need to be perfect or whether being in this relationship brought certain things to the fore but you have spent four years persecuting you over this man and your perfect relationship and you’re extending your depression. Arrange to speak with a professional on a weekly basis so that you can gain honest perspective rather than repeating the same story over and over again to you and repeatedly punishing you. The way you view your relationship is the source of your regret. With support, you can come to terms with what you’ve been through, give you self-care to nurture your emotional, mental and physical health and finally start to rebuild your life.
Tiffany,
I feel your pain as well. I was about to ask a very similar question. Like you, I ended a four year relationship almost 4 months ago. I was depressed and completely up and down from November to July when I finally pushed him away for the last time. I spent the three months after trying to figure out what was ‘wrong’ with me that I let such insecurity and fear get to me to such a degree. My mind is my worst enemy. Irrational thoughts consumed my mind. I realized I put him on a pedastal and was very much codependent. I realized I really didn’t like myself very much due to past regrets that I’d never forgiven myself for those. As a result, I judged myself harshly and was extremely hard on myself. I had low self esteem and felt guilty over every little thing. I think this caused me to unravel in the end when I finally broke up with him the last time.
After three months, I finally reached a point I wanted to contact him again just to explain why I was so intent on ending the relationship but he was seeing someone else. I have spoken and texted with him on the phone and emailed him recently. But it still hurts knowing he’s with someone else.
Like Natalie said I know I am looking through rose colored glasses too. He wasn’t perfect. We didn’t have a perfect relationship. I just feel lost and uncertain about the future now. We broke up almost 4 months ago but the wound is still fresh.
Thanks Natalie for all your posts and podcasts.
Ah Jennifer. I’m glad that you recognise how hard you’re being on you. You know what? The great majority of us have experienced imagination hangovers and done stuff off of the back of it and here’s what I see in this situation – this is not supposed to be The Relationship. This relationship has opened your eyes up to your insecurities and how hard you can be on you. You will invest in you, you will calm down your inner critic and you will address whatever issues came up – that is what he was here for. Not to rescue you, not to be The One but to finally make you so uncomfortable that you make a big change. He is not perfect, it wasn’t all you but this relationship can be a real turning point if you let it.
Natalie, I can soooo relate to this. I know you’ve heard this a gazillion times before, but u led me out of the rabbit hole and I’m eternally grateful for that. I went from a strong, independent, sensible and intelligent woman to someone I didn’t recognize…lost in the fog of a toxic relationship and the erosion of me, ME!!! That’s the worst kind of pain there is. You helped me heal, understand, take responsibility for my part, and grow. It helps more than you could ever know that there’s someone out there who although doesn’t know you…gets you. She’s walked in your shoes, cried your tears, felt your loss, and learned your lessons. You’ve done and continue to do that with the most incredible balance of grace, wisdom, humor, vulnerability, and brilliant writing, with zero bullshit. You made me accountable, and there was a sense of control in that, a ladder to enable me to climb out of that hole. You made me look inward and see how I fell, how patterns played out, what the triggers were, ((sigh))…I could go on and on. I’m in such a better place, and I’m proud of that. You’ve been such a huge part in helping me get here. God bless you Nat, and thank you from the bottom of my heart.
GettingItRight, I’m so touched by what you’ve shared. I have definitely cried and lost a hell of a lot over the years and I always said that if I could help one person to recover or to even avoid some of the things that I’ve been through, then I know I’m living up to my purpose. Wishing you much love, light and happiness. Remember that you matter and don’t let anybody take you away from you xxx
Hi Natalie. I love your blog and have been following for a long time. I broke up with my first bf over a year ago because we were in a LDR and he was cheating. He tried to get me back for months but I couldn’t do it because the trust had gone.
I was doing fine, travelling working on myself etc. Even when I found out he was with someone new. Then out the blue he messaged me saying he still loves me and I’m the most amazing woman to ever love him. I replied and cut him off because I knew he was with someone else. It didn’t make sense to me and he blamed his outburst on being ‘super emotional’ that day. Ever since then I’ve been thrown off.
I stalked him on Twitter not so long after that and he is now claiming this girl as the love of his life. I know we aren’t meant to be together obviously. But it’s made me question my esteem. It feels that I struggle to find someone yet he and other awful guys I’ve dated find it easy to find someone. Any advice on how I should move on? Xx
I don’t think that you can make a comparison between you and him. The liars and users of this world aren’t getting what they want through honesty. Instead of being hung up on what he’s doing – he’s clearly deluded if he thinks that he can cheat while being long distance and say that stuff and then say it to someone else – be honest about why a LDR like this was a viable option. Only then will you through vulnerability, be truly open to dating someone else because you will be in a more honest place.
Great post, struck a cord with me. I think I am in a better place, much more rounded person. Connect with the feeling of loss of potential something. I have not found new love yet and and that saddens me but I am hopefully it will be a better relationships hip.
Hi Jackie, love takes time. It is OK to want love and a relationship but in the meantime, keep dating you. When you treat you with love, care, trust and respect, you put you in alignment with a relationship that reflects this. Keep striving.
Tiffany,
U r stuck and need to move on. It will take much effort , it’s not easy but believe me tht u can get there. Ur blaming URSELF n focusing on the wrong thing. Stop stop stop blaming URSELF. So u made a mistake or u think u do. I don’t know becus u didn’t detail what happened but dear it does not matter. So what if u did. The point of this whole blog is getting us to learn and move on. We are allowed to make mistakes , and I’m sure he wasn’t perfect ( no one is) . U can’t waste ur life in limbo . If u change ur perspective to a positive one , u will be happy. Accept what happened, extract the lessons and resolve to live ur life wiser better. i kno I hav done it even tho there were times I thought I wud be regretful for the rest of my life but I made it out becus I did the work. Don’t wait for someone to choose u, choose the person with the qualities u want… Good values, mutual love care respect trust etc. kno tht u have the power to choose someone rather than sitting around and thinking of URSELF as a victim who messed everything up. U didn’t mess it up, what happened was an imp part of ur journey to develop u. Believe it or not tragedies make better people . Harsh but so tru. Ur response to the situation and the time u have spent not accepting and moving on shows me u have some work to do on u. U need to empower URSELF to be a woman who is kind to herself even when things don’t go her way, accept what u cannot change and see it as a lesson u needed to learn to develop u. We weren’t born and most Of us
Were not taught how to navigate relationships. I’m a firm believer tht nats courses need to be taught n schools , it’s too imp to leave to the chance tht we will learn though trial and error. We shud have this info before we start relationships. However, there is something to be said for the strength of a lesson learnt from experience. It can be very effective. But girl , my point is u need to kno tht u will be ok. This too shall pass but u must put effort into moving on mentally and physically. It’s a secondly then minutely thing then it will get easier until one moment u realise ur over him. Forgive u. Sanity check ur blame of URSELF . Ur life is waiting , no one and I mean no one is worth wasting ur life away for no matter what u think u did or didn’t do . I don’t kno if ur spiritual but my faith in God helped me greatly. The bible has all the advice n encouragement u need.
May The Lord bless u with a peace that surpasseth human understanding. Love from me to u.
This is the most ice cold accuracy of what happened to me. I felt his soul leave.
Thank you for helping me find me.
You are very welcome Suziq.
Natalie,
This is my first time commenting, although I’ve recently started following you. I commend you for taking the high road in your relationship and that you have grown through this horrid experience. You are helping many others by all that you write.
Since my recent breakup, three weeks now(not my choice) I have read many of your posts over and over because what you’ve penned rang so true in my situation. It has helped me make some sense of the confusing behavior, empty action commitment and now abrupt “silent treatment” ending, after spending a great weekend together with his family and then on Monday I am non existent, no explanation, and he is gone, already with the new person he’s been grooming for the last month I’ve realized. Although, I am see more and more that I was actually “delivered” from him, I am grieving from the rejection, the loss and the void that I feel, not to mention the sadness of realizing that I spent the last six months of my life with him and I really don’t know who he really is and what was real or fake. As I write this now, the tears are flowing and I am still on the emotional roller coaster ever day trying to make sense of it all. There were so many red flags that I ignored, in the name of “we all have a past and I am sure he regrets that choice now and is different.” Looking back, I know I should have opted out the first month in and would have saved myself all of this pain. I must use this to find who I am and work on healing my childhood trauma so that I can make better relationship choices in the future. Honestly, at this point, I am not sure if I ever want to go down the relationship road again. Thank you for all of your words and posts and your insight.
Hi MyGirl, one of the things I talk about in my book, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, is how for an unavailable person, going on holiday, meeting friends, meeting the parents, can be the trigger to cut it off. It’s as if they have to do a complete reverse so that you don’t expect ‘too much’. It’s like, “Oh my god. What if, because I’ve introduced her to my parents, she thinks that this is super serious? What if they’re all expecting stuff from me now? Oh I know, I’ll pick faults now and orchestrate some bullshit so that I can give myself the perfect opt out.”
I don’t blame you for being devastated because quite frankly, that schizzle is confusing. You haven’t done something wrong – he’s panicked himself out of things and if it wasn’t this it would be something else.
His heart and mind is not open.
It’s a blessing in disguise and you know what? If what he did helps you to heal further from childhood trauma (as my ex did), then say thank you out loud, hug yourself a little harder today, and trust that all will become clear.
xx
Dear Nat,
My story is parallel with MyGirl’s. I had spent a year in a “situationship” with an EU… LOTS of time and space spent. I ignored red flags from the very beginning and am having the hardest time forgiving myself for it. He blew hot & cold (when it was hot, it was hot…) and I ate up his little breadcrumbs because I was starving for Love. I was often confused, pulled close, kept at arm’s length, analyzing our every interaction and taken on emotional highs & lows. I was treated like gold in the beginning only to be treated like copper towards the end. I gave so much of myself to someone who was one foot in and one foot out. He wanted all of the fringe benefits, without having to have the responsibility of a relationship. He has a heap of issues, himself, such as not knowing how to love himself, so he cannot receive or give love, either. It got to the point where he pushed ME away…doing things to make me be the one to “end” our non-relationship. Again, I wish I’d left him alone from the very beginning. I recount so many interactions that make me wish I’d left him alone numerous times. I often wonder what was wrong with me, what was I doing wrong? Trying to love the wrong person is what I was doing wrong. Trying to give him an example of what I needed…when I should have just been giving love to myself instead. I invested time, energy, love, everything in him and came out empty-handed and just plain empty. The rejection and abandonment has done a number on me. He’s actually out of state now, and we’re NC. I actually think he has ME on NC because he hasn’t even tried to say anything to me since he’s been gone. Which makes me feel worse. I’ve been strong with my NC and I know that NC means I shouldn’t *want* to hear from him, but the fact that he’s not even trying to contact me (so I can ignore it) makes me feel even more rejected and abandoned. I just keep thinking… “we were supposed to be better than this”. Your blog and your e-books have been great tools of what I should have done and not done. I wish I’d run across your page sooner! But I found it while reeling in hurt and shame. I’m having the hardest time letting go, because I keep replaying scenes in my head…and I’d get upset thinking about how he’s probably canoodling with someone else where he is, giving them what *I* needed from him. However, I read something that you wrote — “It’s not about whether some other woman or guy is ‘better’ than you and that they’re going to get the payout from that relationship slot machine as soon as your back is turned. It’s not because of the way you looked, or something you said or something you did to change them and make them go from the available person that they weren’t in the first place to the unavailable person that they actually were…” and I refer to that whenever I overthink myself into a tizzy. He has not changed overnight and until he opens his mind & heart (like you said above), he’s not going to heal himself and be ready for a healthy relationship, so I’m not missing anything but the drama. I will keep trying to love myself more and leave the past in the past and not wonder what he’s doing and with whom. It’s like a reset button I have to press every day to get mind and my heart lined up.
Is there a way you can remove my picture from previous post? And don’t post this question? Thx 🙂
You are a God send to me…this post is so what I needed to hear today! Don’t ever stop writing Natalie, we need you!!
I won’t and you’re very welcome Christine. Thanks for making me grin!
This was a God send!! Thank you!
Thank you Nat for all that you shared. Your post truly resonated with me as I too have gone waaaay back down memory lane to many thoughts of an exbf, only mine was my first love. Although I first laid eyes on him when I was 12 and had developed a secret crush on him at that time, I eventually forgot about him and the years passed.
Then some 10 years later, I met a woman who unbeknownst to me was one of his closest friends. She and I became friends and a few weeks later she said, “I’ve got a friend and I think the two of you would be really good for each other.” After telling me about him in bits and pieces, she finally mentioned which church he used to attend back in the day, which was also my late grandmother’s church. I asked, “What’s his name?” and when she said “Ryan,” I immediately responded, “Oh I used to have the worst crush on him! He was sooooo cute back then!” She replied, “Well if you thought he was cute then, girl you ought to see him now because he’s fine!” My friend contacted Ryan about me and soon he and I began writing to each other. Four months later, I flew out to his side of the planet for New Year’s Eve and had the time of my life with him. If there ever was a man whom I thought was my soulmate, he was it!
But suffice to say, he came into my life only for the time which God allowed. Although the ending of that relationship occurred almost 30 years ago and I grieved terribly when it all crashed and burned, still my happiest days of loving and being loved in return were spent with Ryan. Because I’ve been battling depression for a very long time now, as a means of distracting myself from the pain, I’ve been “escaping to my happy place” of great memories of time spent with him. However, I’ve had to face the fact that I can’t step back in time to return to him and the love he and I once shared. He’s changed, I’ve changed, and the man I knew him to be back then is long gone. And he can never be mine again — he was never mine for keeps.
So moving forward, like one dear friend told me, the wonderful man who is still yet to come won’t show up until I have finally let go of the past and all of the regrets I’ve had that things didn’t work out with Ryan. I am determined to learn the remaining lessons so that all of my unfinished business can finally be put to rest.
Thanks for letting me share. God bless you and please keep up the good work!
Ryan is associated with a happy time in your life although it is possible that you rose tint him and even cloak you in the fur coat of denial about aspects of him because in the last 30 years, certain things must have happened that mean that you reach for the memory of him as if it’s the best that you’re gonna get.
It sounds like one of those rom-com moments and you know what? Those are the ones you hold on to the most because you think that this person must be destiny, delivered to you. It may also be that a lot of the hopes you had for your 12-year old self were tied up in this crush so he may symbolic of other aspects of your life.
Ryan may have been great for a time but there is more out there for you. God bless you too and take care. xx
This is so true: “When you have loved someone and been loved intensely, you feel it when their soul leaves you.”
Wow.
Meme – and I think part of it is that you might be so caught up in sensing every fibre of their being that you really feel it when they go all stone cold on you!
NML and dear friends,
I need your guidance. I have been a regular BR reader, and as I am becoming more aware of people, I can catch BS much earlier, and not just in romantic relationships but in other relationships as well. As a result I am becoming angry more frequently. Anger is a new emotion for me. A couple of people have told me that I am becoming argumentative. The thing is I can no longer tolerate BS and have a strong need to callout BS. Is this normal?
@wiser2: this is an interesting question about how we change as we get older. Perhaps becoming harder or angrier or more bitter. I think I am harder and like you see bs easily. I don’t always call people out on it partly because I more and more avoid people that will bs me. As a result I am surrounded with dependable people so that if they sometimes slip up as we all must I can overlook it since I know these are good people. or I call them out but in a spirit of kindness eg ‘hey you sound like you’re having a hard day, what’s up’, rather than something that says I’m mad and they need to redress the world. You will have to ask yourself what makes you mad. What do you think the world is not giving you that makes you feel so deprived? And then perhaps you will have to give those things to yourself.
It is great that you can see it in the first place. That means you aren’t reacting but are able to see yourself. The other thing I suggest is therapy because I was angry and therapy helped me not judge myself or other people so much. Being argumentative means you think you’re right and others are wrong. So you judge others. Plus you put weight on them believing you – if you’re arguing, it means you’re not taking no for an answer. That means your ego is heavily involved and if you don’t ‘win’ you judge yourself. To win others have to validate your view meaning you are looking outside for vakdostion. (It’s also possible you’re with the wrong friends of course).
If you post one of your actual interactions with someone where you got angry or think through it that might throw some light on what’s going on. What is really triggered in those situations?
Vakdostion!! Lol autocorrect fail. Validation. Excuse other typos , I should use more commas!!
Suki,
I will an incident. My dance teacher cancels classes abruptly, whereas others just secretly complain and dull , I openly tell the teacher about how the dudeen cancellations are not good. This Monday he said he is tired and he would play the music and we can practice dance on our own, this made me furious, as I take time out for the dance, I love it, and want to use each minute of my dance class. Whereas others dont complain openly, I comforted him and told him he should have cancelled the class. This he said made him call me argumentative.
And yes Suki you are right, after getting rid of ex. , I feel I am deprived of a “normal” family life, that I deserved better.
I also feel now I understand people quickly after BR knowledge, howevet suddenly my ego has become stronger, I get offended quickly, I feel wronged very quickly, its as if I am super vigilant.
My yoga teacher sometimes makes comments about people , not meanbut
Sorry, for some reason my post got caught off.
Another example is my yoga teacher, who sometimes makes comments in jest which can be hurtful. For example he would announce suddenly in the class that I am doing the poses all wrong, without actually saying what is wrong and how to correct it. Not just with me he would also say that to other women. I cannot keep quiet in this situation and tell him that instead of making comments he should tell what’s to be corrected.
Maybe with more knowledge I am becoming more intolerant if the indirect putdowns men dish out to women not only in romantic relationships but in other relationships as well. Now the dance teacher and the yoga teacher are definitely not my friends so I don’t get to choose them. Moreover I think I need to call them out as I would have to put up with their behavior in the next class.
I want to be knowledgeable and apply my knowledge but also don’t want to come off as confrontial. How do I walk this fine line?
@Wiser; tbh I don’t know what to advise you. I have resolved this by overall being not bitter, having few expectations, and allowing everyday stress and eff-ups to slide off my mind. I just don’t judge other people if they’re late, a bit rude now and then, etc. I don’t care. I don’t know how I got here – therapy, self-help, and enough crap in my life that I know what real crap is and the rest of it is not worth it. I suspect you also know what real crap looks like but for some reason you think the world owes you better. No, only you owe yourself better – once you figure out how that works, the world will straighten up because you will know when and how to pick your battles. The world is what it is – unfair, precarious, random, wonderful [sometimes its unfair in our favor too you know], sad, etc. We choose to some degree what comes to us, who we keep in our lives, how we handle things. We can’t control so many things, I can’t control when my parent dies, but I can control how I deal with it, how I can learn from it.
If this man is causing you this much angst, quit yoga and look for a better teacher. You seem to want to correct people, and the truth is that no one puts up with that. I wonder what would happen if you just told him with no expectation that he will change – you’ve done your bit because you don’t want to be the person that keeps quiet if you feel someone else is being rude / sexist whatever. Thats all. Thats all you can own. Your side of things. He can own his side of it – he doesn’t want to own it. You can’t control it. I hope you don’t keep telling him that you aren’t happy – if he’s shown his unwilling to change for you, then thats that. Move on. And my suggestion is that this yoga class probably isn’t working for you if the teacher is causing mind ulcers. Its meant to make you relaxed and happy. If it isn’t – forget it.
Here are two ways to tell someone what they did is wrong (ok three ways); 1) give them the benefit of the doubt, ignore it if not important, and wait to see if it happens again – this is always choice 1 when it comes to things that in the final analysis aren’t such big deal; 2) tell them straight up whats wrong and expect that they change; 3) use humor, be gentle and friendly, and have no expectations.
The thing about 3) is that it allows YOU to save face if the person doesn’t change, it allows the other person to save face at being corrected, it allows your relationship to continue in case the other person doesn’t change. AND it allows you to humorously kindly and with love tell the person again another time ‘hey Yoga-guy, you gotta give me details, man, don’t leave me hanging’. Say that with a laugh, and the world will be different. Stay after class and kindly humorously friendly-wayly explain to him if he would be willing to help you. That way you know you’re not being a jerk – if he responds by being a jerk, wrinkle your nose, look at him funny, say bye cheerfully and walk off. Don’t go back if you don’t want to.
Have humor and compassion for the world. There is nothing else in life. Nothing is that serious. Nothing.
Hi Wiser2. Just because he’s a yoga teacher, it doesn’t mean he’s zen or certainly coming from a ‘better’ level of awareness. Why keep paying good money to somebody who is doing yoga and the class a disservice? Vote with your feet! Go to another class instead of trying to make him in to a better teacher. He will become a better teacher (or stop teaching) when you all stop sheltering from the negative consequences of his actions. Repeatedly cancelling, being mean-spirited? Erm, no.
And that’s it right there, Suki. I have a finely tune bullshit radar. Those who know steer clear or just know where I am with it and those who don’t, I’m just myself. I don’t call people out on their BS because unless it directly impacts my well-being, I have better things to do than tell people all about themselves. Bullshitters tend to spend more time with bullshitters haha.
Thank you Nat.
Just what I needed today as I’m feeling very reflective and looking at how far I’ve come, since leaving the relationship that brought me to your site…over 3 years ago.
I know the answers I’m seeking lie now have roots somewhere in the past.
Bxx
Absolutely Boo and that’s what this relationship was here for – to show you what needs to be dealt with. xx
Other than him cheating and me walking away at the end, this was my previous relationship in a nutshell – and that brings me a lot of comfort, in some strange way – to know it wasn’t something I made-up in my head. It was so easy for me to believe when the EX-BF called me crazy, invalidating my concerns and feelings until I was quiet and complacent. You said that he took an ambitious, outgoing, determined and good-looking you and chipped away at you until those wonderful attributes seemed so inconsequential and unimportant; I am glad you can see the forest for the trees – that you *know* these are things about you regardless of what he says or does to make them seem less. And I am glad you’re not in that awful, head-spinning situation anymore. I would ask – going through something similar – how long did it take you to really recover and start dating again? I can see the bad parts in hindsight and I feel confident knowing what I absolutely do *not* want anymore, but the idea of a new relationship right now is turning my stomach. When did you *know* you wanted to try again?
Hi Alexandra. I dated again and imploded and then started Baggage Reclaim just over two years after I walked away. If a new relationship is turning your stomach, your body is trying to tell you that you need to take care of you first and focus on healing. Some people try again and then realise that they’re not ready (I did 18 months of that before I finally registered that) and some can tell by their reactions that they’re not ready. There is no fire. Believe me – if you date right now, it will land you in even more hot water. You must be for you before you can be for another.
Dear Natalie,
I have been reading your blog for 4 years now. When I broke up with my then fiancee many pieces of the puzzle of my life came together.
Since then I have been in another unhealthy relationship, in spite of the red flags, but managed to steer away from it in time. I have rebuilt my friendship circle, and I have learned about boundaries, even though I still struggle with them, as I tend to be too emphatic.
I have a new job now, and I am much happier with it than I used to be in the past.
It’s still lonely, sometimes, though. Sometimes I feel detatched, as if life were passing by without me taking part. But lately one good thing has happened: after spending some time with my flatmate, who is middle-aged and still “living wild”, boasting about getting drunk, trying to go out with a married man, etc. I realized that I want to definitely grow up.
I think this is also what your site is about, dear Natalie: growing up. Which doesn’t mean becoming boring, or unflexible, or… but really, growing up, taking reponsability, standing on our own two feet, not running away.
It’s the same in relationships, of course. I have realized (finally, you could say 😀 ) that I was running away this whole time. I know why, it has to do with my childhood of course, but the most important thing is that I don’t want to run away anymore.
I want to be EA.
I have met an interesting guy the other day, in a normal situation (it was a kind of “charity” meeting, not a club, not a bar, nothing shady. When I am in bars & c. these days I can’t help seeing what’s behind the guys masks, and that’s greed….nothing beautiful about it). I don’t know what or if something will come out of it, but this time I won’t run, nor will I try to pull him towards me. I hope to get to know him slowly. It seems we do have things in common, but it takes time to know somebody’s heart, or at least to see if it’s warm or cold. Right now I want a warm-hearted, positive person beside me.
I have such friends, now, and I didn’t have them 5 years ago. I got better with friendship, I will get better with lovers as well.
What you write about perfection is also very clever. I deemed my ex fiancee perfect. I adored him. I thought he was my perfect soul mate at the same time when he was sucking the life from me. The same went with my “friends” back then.
Then I suddenly realized, one year ago, that I don’t have to perfect to be loved. This means I don’t need a perfect person (friend, partner, family member) to love me. Just a caring, warm-hearted, happy one.
One step at the time.
So thank you, thank you NML for this blog, and please, keep writing!!
@Misa, I think this is so true what you wrote: ‘i don’t have to be perfect to be loved’. And neither does the other person. You accept yourself and others. I am also impressed that you are ready to think about dating again and hoping to be better around your partners. I also think my friendships have improved immensely in the last few years – i don’t give my heart easily at all, and as a result enjoy all relationships much more. I invest a lot more in my good friends, and with casual friends I have few expectations and so can enjoy my friendships for what they are.
I also feel that in my last relationship with an EUM and a bit of a jerk (not AC since we never got that deep but jerk for sure), I treated him really well, I am very happy with my behavior, classy all the way. So — now I need to fix my ‘picker’. I still attract EU. And this I don’t know how to fix (tbh I probably don’t really think I’m lovable which is maybe why what you wrote struck me so strongly). I do accept myself. I just don’t think I’m lovable and sometimes also struggle to ‘accept’ love e.g. ask for help, or even accept say gifts from my family. That is probably EU. I do much better with my good friends which is interesting – with my family, I feel like I need boundaries even though we are very close and I think most people would think we are a supportive cohesive family. I feel not entirely safe with my family. And perhaps that is intimacy, its not safe, and you have to be vulnerable and I’m not willing to do that anymore. With my really close friends, I’m safe, and the 3-4 people in my inner circle are people I have always felt safe with …
Absolutely. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last ten years and no doubt will be in the future – growing up. Sometimes, nothing is taxing me but I’ve discovered that different things happen in life to make you grow up in different ways. Some of it hurts but all in all, you make a life out of it and you’re a richer, bolder, more loving person for it.
And you definitely do not have to be perfect to be loved – you need to love you first xx
Speaking of taking it way back… I remember over three years ago when I was a dowdy secretary sheepishly going through the motions of life. Then HE swept into my life like a glowing statuesque shiny adventure land of unhidden dreams and candy coated landscapes just waiting to be gracefully skipped across hand in hand. Well… that’s not exactly what happened. We successfully distracted ourselves with each other and because I didn’t have much else meaningful going on in my life, I went along with all of it.
Behind the statuesque frame and the golden young man aura and tantalizing looks, was a scared man with a lot of unclaimed baggage. Behind me? Years of emotional isolation. Things are definitely different now. We haven’t been together for over three years and that is fine. I have been single since. It was what I needed. I’m ready for someone healthy, but I am okay single.
Oh. And now I am an artist. Talk about an adventure…
This exemplifies what I was saying in the other comments Jennifer – he was not supposed to be The One or The Relationship. That experience even though it hurt, you came out of the fire and became more of who you truly are. You saw parts of you that hurt but you know what? You saw you. xx
Wow thank you so much for this post! Such a great insight into why these things turn out as they do. Natalie what would we do without u! I went through something very similar a year ago and still recovering. I left my 4.5year relationship with someone I loved very much, a home together & had big future plans & there are still sometimes parts of me that pop up & think did I do the right thing as I was the one that left but then I think “wake up”! This man that I had been with was not respectful and would constantly drip feed between truth and lies – the stupid thing is is that I let it slide for too long and when u know there not being honest u should take a big step back which I didn’t I stayed and ended up loosing myself in the process. Our values were completely different to the point where I don’t think he knows what respect is! He would think it was acceptable to go out clubbing or whilst working away and disappear on me meaning I wouldn’t hear from him till the next day or night even whilst I’m anxiety waiting at home sick to the stomach worried about him. I caught him on paid dating sites and of course he Denys everything just like he denied cheating on me which I found out after the relationship ended ( mind u my gut knew). I do wonder how I could have been so stupid to let all things things slide especially things that happened early on in the relationship and as these things built up I kept loosing more self respect for me dealing with him who had zero respect for me. The final straw was similar to Nat’s situation when he went out without telling me again and I even told him I’m leaving if u don’t have enough respect to come home that night and I went to bed knowing that the relationship was already over as I could feel it had already slipped through and just like that he never came home and I didn’t see him till the next night and that was it I walked out. I knew it was just something I had to do- my gut just kept telling me to run so I did. I later found out that 2x days after we broke up (before I moved out) he was already sleeping with another girl and he made no effort to hang onto our relationship it was just like he didn’t care at all I even found another girls top in the wash and of course he just denies everything. I also found out that he was hiding a lot of drug use from me as well – I don’t think there’s anything that he was actually honest about which amazes me as we were together for some time. After the relationship ended It used to upset me that he would go around misinforming people that know me saying I cheated and calling me crazy but now I just laugh it off because he Is a narcissist and I know he won’t change. I do miss the person I thought he & I was very much in love with him but I don’t miss the person he is and I am just thankful I got out whilst I’m in my mid 20s. Thanks to Nat’s amazing blog I am now working on myself and I have no interest in a relationship till I am completely healed. I will never again accept staying with someone that has no respect or honesty as it comes at a very high price when we put up with BS. Thanks Nat for this post and ur amazing books that I refer to on a daily basis Xx
Of course he denies everything Lauren – he’s in denial and FOS (full of sh-t) anyway as shown through his consistent lying and deceit.
Sure, you miss what you hoped would be but he was never going to live up to that and you were going to be exposed to greater and greater pain if you continued pretending that who he is wasn’t who he is. By opting out, you have stopped being complicit in the deception – you’re not bullshitting you about him. My ex spent several months misinforming people including telling them that I’d moved away to the US which was super awkward for him when I bumped into them and told them the truth…
Keep striving, don’t engage with him anymore, and make sure you never accept lies and BS from anyone else. You deserve better than what you were going to settle for. xx
“When you have loved someone and been loved intensely, you feel it when their soul leaves you.”
I felt this, with my recent ex. This started the downward spiral of our relationship, which had been going down already in my mind… because I was not happy and he did not seem to be interested in making any effort at all. The fights only accelerated that/made that more obvious. BUT: I was also in denial about it. I wanted to believe that this was not the case, that he really did love me, and with the same intensity as before. I kept telling myself that once the honeymoon phase is over, you settle down into a routine and you start feeling more at ease around your partner, which means you are not constantly trying to impress them. So I thought, maybe this is what is happening. I tried to dismiss my intuition/ instinct about him. When I told him, he denied it, and used the same argument (about us settling into the post-honeymoon phase). He told me that since I did not have much experience in relationships, I didn’t know that this was completely normal in relationships and that he went for weeks at a time without seeing his ex (whom he had been with and lived with for 8 years). I told him that it was a different situation since they lived together, and that perhaps that is why their relationship broke down in the first place…. (and who is that busy to not see their partner for weeks, while living together? Certainly not the president of the U.S!!!). Anyway, I think he just was bored of me, and wanted change. He wanted some sort of excitement, that comes with a change in scenery (different woman). He broke up with me, I made a fool of myself for a month (eventually accepted that he wasn’t going to change his mind and we officially broke up — because I could no longer deal with the rollercoaster of emotions, I was getting physically ill), but then came back 2 weeks later and pulled out all the stops to woo me back (and he succeeded). Only for him to break up again a month later, when I brought up some things that I was unhappy with (his friends’ behavior and their attempts at socially isolating me and forcing him to demote my relationship with him into, effectively, a FWB — I say forcing, but maybe he was actually using them as an excuse!)… I am not proud of the way I brought things up (in an angry fashion, involved yelling, throwing keys on the floor).. I was very frustrated.. His behavior, silence / silent treatment, coldness, hot & cold treatment, emotional zombie-ness for the most part of our 1 month together post-reconciliation, got to my head… This was a textbook example of a toxic relationship. Ironically, he has carried on the toxicity beyond the 2nd breakup. He has gone cold turkey on me, while putting up a dating profile that I stumbled across, which is sending me subliminal messages / digs about how he is moving on. I may be dealing with a Narc or a Psychopath ?????
Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, dismiss your intuition and instinct.
Your ex though Lara, has me in stitches laughing. Seriously – he actually thinks he can sell you not seeing him for weeks at a time as a standard relationship? He cracks me up. I’m sure his ex is still recovering from that one if she was with him for 8 years or hopefully she’s seen the light and is with a guy who doesn’t come up with that bullshit. The nerve of him blaming lack of relationship experience – manipulative!
And then using his friends as an excuse – my spidey senses tell me that this is undoubtedly a crock. It’s either that or he wants you to believe that he’s a spineless so-and-so…
I don’t know whether you’re dealing with a narc or psychopath but to be fair, with everything that you’ve got going on there, you’re dealing with a very problematic person. You have to get clear on what your part is in this – why are you still blaming you for his behaviour and fighting for a relationship with somebody who you probably shouldn’t even give the steam off your pee to? What has gone on in your past and what is going on with your feelings about you that you would put this man and his crappy opinions and excuses, ahead of you?
Hi Nathalie, thank you so much for the reply! It is reassuring that I am not seeing things that don’t exist. It helps to have that confirmation that my instincts were probably not wrong.
Before the first breakup, I had started demanding more time with him. He has an 11 year old son son, and he constantly used his son as an excuse for why he didn’t have the time to see me. He claimed he wanted to spend alone time with his son, but I would often find out that his female “best friend” had dropped by and they had not spent that alone time after all. He would then complain that he had not spent alone time with his son, so we can’t see each other the following day, for example, when he had his son but we could’ve done something together, the three of us, at home, etc., because he wanted to spend that one-on-one time with his son on that day instead… This was a usual pattern, where I’d end up taking the backseat to his female friend (whom he claims to have known for 20 years) because she had a carte blanche to drop by without asking. He used to tell me that I could do the same thing, but any time I did that (only a few times), he’d act like he didn’t want me there / like I had upset his plans or something. I stopped doing that, because I felt like that was too desperate and I was cheapening myself. But it didn’t resolve the problem, that his female friend was taking the front seat and he was making no effort to enforce some boundaries.
So, this was the context in which I expressed unhappiness about not seeing each other enough. We used to see each other Wednesday nights. He works morning and then night shifts Monday to Wednesday, and then has the rest of the week off, and from Thursdays – Sundays, usually he had his kid over. On Sundays, he’d prepare his work stuff for Monday. So, we used to see each other on Wednesdays, from 9pm onwards. But that’s about 3 hrs for talking/doing something together (USUALLY not involving dinner or a snack, for one, since he’d have eaten already), not to mention him usually trying to pull on the moves (sex) as early as possible in the night, and then wanting to go to sleep afterwards. The following morning he’d make me breakfast, I’d stay over til about 11am, and then he’d start making moves that he has to go get stuff to prepare dinner for his son, etc. and get me out the door indirectly. Then, Thursday evenings, I usually found out his female friend had dropped by, and they’d had done an elaborate dinner / festive party, even though his kid usually had to sleep by 8:30pm since he had school the following day. But they’d usually continue after he went to sleep. They were also joined by his neighbor, a woman he had dated just before me. So, he’d spend the evening either one on one with his female BFF, or his ex (not the kid’s mom), or both of them. Sometimes he’d call me afterwards, but I felt so upset, because it felt like it was a snub at me, telling me all about his dinner thing, and not having invited me, etc. He would then tell me that it was improvised, rather than planned. Then, he’d say that he wanted to spend one-on-one time with his son the next day since he couldn’t do that on Thursday. And sometimes I found out that his friends came over that day too. And he’d then say the same thing about Saturday, or his son would go to his mother’s on Saturday, and if I am lucky, we’d get to spend the day together…. halfway through which, he’d say, let’s call my female BFF, and ask her if she wants to join us at X or Y activity that we wanted to do. USUALLY, not all the time, of course.. I was totally fine with it at the beginning. I enjoyed the company and didn’t think anything of it. But it started to wear me down, and to get me down, that he didn’t seem to want to spend ANY alone time with me, other than for sexy times (or so it seemed). At the very least, if he did want to spend alone time with me, he seemed to want to keep it at a minimum. It’s like he was scared of intimacy.
And I have to admit, maybe something deep inside me was also scared of that, of that level of intimacy, of being just 2 people. I felt that it was depressing. I don’t know why. I loved his company, I enjoyed being alone with him, but I did feel relieved at times when he suggested calling this or that person. Maybe because I don’t have that many friends and also craved social interaction? Or maybe it’s something deeper, having to do with intimacy and fear of intimacy (though I think I did open up to him and my need for an emotional connection and wanting to spend more time with him kinda negates that?). I don’t know. Anyway, eventually, I was not unhappy with the way things were going. I started feeling like a third wheel. Example: last Christmas, he said he and his female BFF had a tradition of baking meat pies for Christmas. This was an elaborate 2 day baking thing, for most of the day. I suggested helping them out / joining them, as I love Christmas time festive cooking/baking stuff, etc. He didn’t seem too happy with it — he barely said, sure, if that’s what you want. When I was there, his son was there too, and it just felt like they were the happy family (him, his female friend, and the son), and I was the third wheel. It was just so bizarre. I felt like he wanted me to leave, like I was infringing on some holy tradition, where they’d do that together, just the two of them. I left, because I was feeling too stressed and upset.
This was all 6 months before the first break-up. I also once went to his son’s concert, at his invitation, and his son’s mother was there. He just left me there, and along with his female friend and neighbor (the other ex), he started rotating around his ex during the pause in the middle of the concert, and just acting like a drooling dog (all three of them), joking and making a fool of himself with/around his child’s mom (who is now married to another man). It was just so bizarre to observe, and he never introduced me. He actually made a point of ignoring me completely, as did she (she saw me and I think she knew at this point that he was with someone). I felt like a child who is kept out of the discussion, because it’s an adult discussion. That’s the attitude that resonated from the group. I waited til the end of the concert, and then told him I was leaving (we were planning on going back to his place). I didn’t explain myself, but I made it sure he knew I was upset. He ran after me asking me what was wrong, but I could not even speak — besides, it was in public and I didn’t want to instigate a fight in public. So I said I couldn’t talk now. He then asked me if we were gonna see each other the following day. I said I didn’t know. The next day he came over, and I told him — he seemed apologetic and offered to introduce me to his ex. After that ego-hurting snub, from him and his ex, though, I decided she was not important enough for me to ask him to introduce us. That seemed to please him, in a sense, though he also wanted it to look like he genuinely wanted me to introduce me to her. But I realized that if they didn’t think me important enough to be introduced, then why would I think the same of them? He never actually introduced me to his ex, ultimately. Because I had refused to. But also, when I did say that I was finally ready for him to introduce me, and came out of his bedroom the day that she came to pick her son up (previously, I used to hide in his bedroom in a sense, to avoid seeing her as she used to enter his apartment and make herself at home for a bit), her son rushed out when she came over, he didn’t want her to enter the apartment, so that she wouldn’t see me. His dad didn’t even seem apologetic in the slightest. It almost felt like it was orchestrated (because I had told him the night before).
Anyway, after the breakup, and him begging for me to take him beg, I relented. But then he used his friends as an excuse, that I had hurt his friends, etc. I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea. I had done nothing. LITERALLY NOTHING, aside from deleting them from facebook because I thought it was over after a month of me begging and him not relenting on him wanting to break up and eventually formally breaking up with me…. I just didn’t want to associate with his friends anymore, because he had already involved them in our relationship issues, by telling them things about me, ranting about what a b*tch I had been, etc. and they had badmouthed me in front of his son (he had done it too). But now that I think about it: I think maybe the story about his female friend being all upset with me for having said nasty things to her was made up by him (I even showed him our record of messaging to prove that I had been nothing but NICE to her even the day of his breakup with me, despite the fact that she had badmouthed me in the past). He strangely did not want me to have any touch with any of them. He also had hidden the fact that we had gotten back together, for about a week, because he was “afraid of what they’d say”. I then made it clear that I would no longer playing these games and that if he wanted us to be together, he should tell everyone. I would not be the secret “pseudo-gf on the side” for him to have fun with but to keep a secret from everyone. He then supposedly told them. He then invited his friends over for dinner (he claimed that they just popped by when I wasn’t there, on a Thursday), and they had spent the entire evening together. I was upset, because contrary to previous times, not only was I not invited, but actually, I was ACTIVELY EXCLUDED, because they had told him they didn’t want to see me. So, any time he wanted to do anything with them, I had to be excluded. I couldn’t be part of their social circle, or his. And his social life was very central to his life, so that meant that I would effectively be excluded from most of his life, including his son’s life. I felt like a sexual object that was being used on the side, when he had no other social events to go to. It seemed like an attempt at compartmentalizing his life.
I am not sure if all this was a drama of his creation, that none of this actually happened, that they knew he was back together with me, but he didn’t want them to talk to me, wanted to test me out beforehand or bust my boundaries or something of the sort. Or if his friends were really b*tches and social bullies and tried to isolate me and put pressure on our relationship so he’d break up with me. It just was odd, now that I think about it, and I blamed his friends at first, for being b*tches. Though I also blamed him for not establishing boundaries and defending his gf. He then told me that I was trying to get him to be socially isolated, to dump his friends, so that I’d have all of him to myself. No matter how much I told him that it was *I* who had wanted to meet his friends post-reconciliation, and kept asking when they’d let their guard down/ stop being angry over something that had not happened, etc. but none of that made any difference. He seemed convinced that I was trying to isolate him, or something. Maybe he knew full well what he was doing and that I was not at fault, but he was just looking for ways to push my buttons and see how I’d react. I got really angry and threw things (my keys), yelled, told him he has to tell his friends right now or I was out of there, etc. He refused. He then suggested breakup because “I had done it again” (the anger, yelling, throwing things which I had done before the first breakup), and then I begged, I convinced him to give it a try, and he relented, but he said he was going to give his friends all the time they needed. I accepted. Then, a week later, despite acting all lovey-dovey the entire week, bringing me banana bread at home, saying he loved me, etc., he broke up with me — I was completely blindsided (I mean, things were patchy, sure, but his behavior was just not telling me he was getting ready to break up). It was just bizarre, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was also a very stressful time for me, my gramma was dying, I couldn’t go see her, all sorts of feelings of guilt had come to the surface, etc. My gramma died the day after he broke up with me. I was devastated. Two blows in 2 days. I had a weak moment and emailed him 2 weeks later, to tell him my grandmother had died, and he didn’t even bother to reply to express his sympathies.
He played the victim card all along, in the relationship. At some point, he portrayed himself as a battered man/ abused by a crazy woman who yelled at him and threw things. He didn’t not want to see me for weeks like he had given in the example of his ex, but he used that to justify why we could not see each other for more than 3 hrs a week at night, or at the most, for more than 1 or 2 days a week (2 if super lucky). I found out, recently, that he dumped his kid off at his ex’s for 2 weeks in a row, seeing his kid only 1 day per week on those days (compared to 4 days when he was with me), because he had 2 music concerts to go to, with his friends, 1 per week. When we were together, he almost never rescheduled his visitation to spend some alone time with me. I can understand that, but if he’s willing to do that for a rock concert, I think that says a lot about priorities?
I don’t know why I stayed with him, why I gave him the time of the day, or the steam off my pee as you put it haha. I had had a horrible experience with my previous ex (who was a certified narcissist and very emotionally abusive / gaslit me, pressured me to do threesomes which I never did of course, but it was horrible), and I had a hard time trusting men after that, so when I met this recent ex, he seemed like a breath of fresh air at first. He was really nice at first, did make an effort and go out of his way the first 3-5 months. It was like heaven, like I had found my match. And then it all went downhill, at first slowly — at first with small things that popped up as red flags, then grew larger and larger. I think when they started accumulating, I could no longer take it. It started to give off the feeling that I was back in a relationship that resembled in many ways my relationship with my other (abusive) ex, around whom I had to walk on eggshells, whose schedule and whims I had to fit myself into.
I think the reason is that I have a horrible self-esteem. I think that maybe, subconsciously, I don’t think I deserve to be loved, and that I should settle for whoever satisfies a little bit of my needs, because I probably won’t find a man who will settle for all of me, forever. I feel that if a man finds out what I am really like, they will bail, and so I go into relationships all geared up for that, and the relationships I go into only prove my point… maybe because these were AC men to begin with, or maybe because I am right about myself. Who knows… I also have abandonment issues / fear of abandonment, from my childhood and abusive parents who always threatened to separate and did nothing to reassure us about what would happen to us if they did so (my mom did not have an income, and my dad was physically violent, so neither seemed like a reasonable option for us to stay with). As a child, I always wondered what would happen to me and my sister if my parents separated. Almost every morning, we woke up with fights and beatings. I remember the feeling of my heart sinking when I woke up with the screaming and yelling. I remember thinking, it was fine just the day before, and I kept cherishing that one day, the day before, where we had woken up and it felt like the future was so bright — because my parents were not at each others’ throats… Anyway, all this to say, that I am a very traumatized person who has issues of self-esteem, that are not helped at all by the impasse in my career (not able to make progress on my PhD dissertation). I feel useless and I have this intense, paralyzing fear, of doing anything, of failing, of not having enough money to pay my rent, not being able to find a job, etc. I panic sometimes, and I want to find someone to “save” me — not necessarily financially, but emotionally. To love me and take care of me emotionally. I guess I am co-dependent. I also end up finding men who at first appear to be the type to do that (especially my recent ex), but who ultimately not only do not take care of me emotionally, but are abusive or manipulative and are the ones in need of emotional support. I guess I also dig that element: of helping men out. But after my ex before this last one, I think I worked on myself enough to avoid men like that, and to avoid trying to be a florence nightingale. I didn’t do it this time with my recent ex, I don’t think, though he certainly seems to be in need of help. But maybe the fact that I did put myself in that situation was because he shared his vulnerabilities with me, how he, too, was a “damaged” person. I guess part of me wants to find my “emotionally damaged” soulmate. I don’t know. It’s just weird and depressing and makes me hopeless that I will ever get out of this and be able to have normal relationships. Makes me want to give up on dating for good. I certainly am not going to date / go into another relationship for a very very very long time. I need to sort my life out first.
Hi Lara. I hope you’re feeling a little more optimistic now, though it’s not been even a month since you wrote this. I just want you to know, your childhood situation and the way it has left you feeling as an adult is so similar to my own. There was no physical abuse but the emotional scarring and severe anxiety and horrifying abandonment issues remain with me to this day. I have a good therapist, but she mostly deals with the day-to-day stuff. Like you, I feel worthless and scared. I will be too anxious to go out and then beat myself up all day because I’m certain that everyone in the world is happy and everything out my window is perfect. I blame myself for everything.
Your words could be my own: “I feel useless and I have this intense, paralyzing fear, of doing anything, of failing, of not having enough money to pay my rent, not being able to find a job, etc. I panic sometimes, and I want to find someone to “save” me — not necessarily financially, but emotionally. To love me and take care of me emotionally. I guess I am co-dependent. I also end up finding men who at first appear to be the type to do that (especially my recent ex), but who ultimately not only do not take care of me emotionally, but are abusive or manipulative and are the ones in need of emotional support.”
We do need to work on ourselves, obviously, but I am so self-defeated that I become paralyzed with fear. I live in a fun city and isolate myself from so much. I suffered some horrific losses in the last year and half and hanging onto this relationship was all I had. Finally, I was able to be strong enough in August and September to maintain NC for six weeks. I was doing great. Even dipped my toe in the dating world again. And then he was back. I’m sure you know how this goes.
So, it’s nearly Christmas and I’ve been crushed again. Again, I was reduced to explaining and defending myself, begging to be heard and understood, desperate for another chance. I hate myself for letting him know some of the really bad things happening in my life now. Because the last thing I want from that EUM is pity. But it’s hard. I broke down after eight days on Thanksgiving, due to a family crisis. He didn’t bother to get back to me for five days. I cringe when I think of this. Every contact just solidifies in his mind that I’m “crazy” and he’s “better off without me.”
We need to be strong, surround ourselves with positive people, push ourselves out of our comfort zones and put one foot in front of the other.
Sounds so good, right? Starting again, again.
I wish you much love and luck and healing.
Natalie, your words are so comforting, yet so raw with the truth. I’m still grieving a second divorce that happened over two years ago. This was my third significant (and final) relationship with a manipulative, emotionally unavailable narcissist. Both my marriages ended over their affairs with younger women. Of course, these relationships were wonderful at the beginning, but slowly over time, eroded my self esteem and well being. The last one lasted 20 years! It took 11 years of living with him (on his best behavior) to finally convinced me to try marriage once more; and of course, it went downhill from there. I overlooked red flags, put my needs on the back burner, gave up my dream of having a family because he didn’t like kids (he said he “didn’t like to share his toys”), and put up with bullshit because I am a trusting, naive, low self-esteem, loyal people pleaser. After his very public and embarrassing affair, I filed for divorce, sold the house, quit my teaching job, and went to Italy for 3 months. In the process, the ex had the nerve to suck me back into his life. I willingly accepted his crumbs and overtures of regret and promises of working on our relationship. He was in touch with me the whole time I was trying to heal myself in Italy, even meeting me in Rome over Thanksgiving last year. When he left, I had an uneasy feeling, but ignored my gut once again. Upon my return to the states, I moved back in with him, as we had planned, to work things out. I immediately found out he was still in touch with the young girlfriend. Luckily, I had a backup plan and moved in with a couple of wonderful and supportive friends. After two years of so many lies, him coming back, having an emotional reconciliation, then him becoming cold and distant and leaving again, coming back, leaving, repeating the sick pattern over and over, I was finally done with him.
I struggle with why it has taken me until middle age to confront and take control of my own issues, but it is what it is and I’m moving forward. The only thing I consider anymore is what is best for me. Recently, I accepted a job teaching in Macedonia, a place I hardly knew anything about, but new surroundings and the distance from my former life has rescued me. Now I do what I’ve always wanted to do – travel as much as I can, and go to places I want to see. I still cry and wonder why I thought we had such a great life together when, in truth, it was based on superficial feelings that all turned to shit. I grieve over wasting the best, most beautiful years of my life on someone who didn’t want to truly know me, understand or appreciate me. I just need to see it as a life lesson and concentrate on loving myself. Because he was the center of my life for 20 years, no contact with him has been extremely difficult, but it’s truly the best remedy for healing. I now recognize I miss the man I thought he was and wanted him to be, not the reality of him. I read your blog daily and re-read posts when I’m feeling down and recommend it to friends going through breakups. You have helped me more than therapy. Just writing this has been cathartic. Keep writing and reminding of us to be honest with our own truth.
Wow, you have been on quite a journey, literally and figuratively. How cool that you are embarking on another adventure.
It feels as if, Gail, that a part of you was looking to be rescued from having to be vulnerable and reliant on you. He could sweep in with his big noise and you would chase it because you wanted the dream and so much of your self-worth is tied up in him plus you gave up a lot for him.
It sounds as if you have different plans for you. Your life will be different to what you pictured but if you keep focusing on you and healing, you will have a life that is different and yet so much richer than what you imagined. What you were prepared to settle for with him is less than what you deserve or need for that matter. Give it all to you now xx
Thank you for responding, Natalie. You cut straight to the core of my issues. I realize now that I was swept up in his drama, chasing a dream instead of focusing on making my own happiness. Throughout the whole relationship I felt uneasy. I could never put my finger on it because we had an exciting and full life. But I was lonely for intimacy that he wasn’t capable of giving me. Why did I put up with his nonsense? His slide into alcoholism, assclownism, and his classless exit forced me to confront lots of unsettling things about myself. At first, I was devastated by his rejection and loss of what was so important to me. But after a ton of therapy and self-reflection, I’m finally ready to move forward with gratitude and grace. I do believe I can create a happy and rich life, just for myself. Thank you for your wisdom and encouragement to all of us struggling to get there.
hi Nat,
I’ve been reading your blog for some time now although have never commented. I broke up with my ex 9 months ago for similar reasons. I feel like I lost myself, became highly emotional and depressed toward the end… Something I’m still struggling with 9 months out.
He gave me some reasons not to trust him but ultimately I was told that if only I trusted him, we wouldn’t have problems, or that nothing he did was ever good enough. I kept feeling like all the problems were me, and I still do. By the end of the relationship, I hated myself and became a totally different person– insecure, needy, sad, paranoid. I was always happy, self assured,etc. he made me well aware that he found my newfound insecurity unattractive, which just built on the shame I was feeling for the relationship slowly going downhill.
I broke up with him because I felt there was something about the situation with him that was hurting me but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He always said the right things (he loved me, was there for me,accepted me,etc) but for some reason I didn’t feel it. He never yelled or ever got mad at me, but I do believe he’d punish me with giving me the silent treatment for a few hours just to not have to deal with me. I felt like not only a nuisance, but a nussance to a nice, stand up guy that everyone loved and who looked so stable. After all, I was the one that was now always in tears begging for his love at this point. I was the one that would yell after feeling like my boundaries were crossed (something I’m not proud of– I hate that I ever yelled sometimes). He’d remain calm always and just assure me with his words that he loved me.
Since we broke up, he has not tried contacting me much but in the few times we talk, he tells me how much happier he is without me. He hopes I find someone else, etc. it feels like a nice way of saying he wishes me the best but it feels hurtful/callous in some way.
My problem that I’d really love any words of advice on– I have been blaming myself for the past 9 months for driving an amazing man away. However I feel there is something underlying to him that was tormenting me in the relationship. The problem is, I have no proof, I can’t know for sure… He just seems like a great guy that’s better off without someone who turned into an emotional wreck. How can I forgive myself… I worry this is just “me” and I am pushing away great guys. Or should I trust myself that something was off with him?
dear flip-flopping,
I understand how you are feeling, I think we all do, here. I won’t try to answer to you instead of NML, but there are a coupe of things I noticed about your message.
You write: “I broke up with him because I felt there was something about the situation with him that was hurting me but I couldn’t put my finger on it. ” You were hurting, you exited the situation that caused you that pain. Sounds pretty healthy to me 🙂 well done!
“By the end of the relationship, I hated myself and became a totally different person– insecure, needy, sad, paranoid. ” This is actually a huge red flag. There was a very good reason for breaking up with him: you had started hating yourself and feeling extremely bad.
Also, the fact that you contradict yourself a bit in these two sentences, because you state that you “hated yourself etc.” yet at the same time that “you were suffering but couldn’t put your finger on it”, is actually a sign of emotional manipulation on his part, in my opinion.
I was with a guy who said he loved me, said he wanted us to be together forever, said i was the most beautiful woman ever, said he pictured us with children, a dog, a green lawn…Yet at the same time I felt trapped, lonely (I even bought a book called “How to be alone” while I was with him….), and then increasingly confused, dazed. My brain wasn’t functioning properly. My body was unhealthy, I developed a weird allergia, i injured myself, I got fat. All of this while being engaged to the love of my life.
It took me years to realize the words he was saying didn’t tell the truth. At the time of my relationship with him, I was in denial, I could only see the good parts of our “love”, I could only hear his “loving” words, I was half blind. In fact I remember feeling that half of my brain had gone numb, to the point that I couldn’t concentrate enough to be able to drive.
There are some awful episodes, where he would mistreat me, hurt me emotionally, make me cry, etc. Well, some of them, I had completely forgotten. My best friend, thoug, does remember, and when she reminded me of them, I also recollected them, and was schocked: how could I have forgotten them in the first place? It’s like sorcery.
Dear flip flop, trust yourself. Count to ten and trust yourself. Meditate. And trust yourself. If you are like me, you would have saved the relationship, had it been possibile, because you were full of love. But the truth is, he was a horrible person who made you suffer, and something deep inside of you saved you from more pain.
His perfection is a mask. His demands of perfect behaviour from you are a foil.
Flip flop, you don’t have to be perfect to be loved. (This also took me years to understand). Even IF you were paranoid sad etc., you’d still deserve somebody who loves you and embraces you for who you are, with all your flaws, and all your good qualities.
Stay strong!!!
flip-flopping;
you liked a guy, he sounds like an ice-cube, he brought out the drama in you, its over. He calls you to tell you he’s happier now (gee thanks ice-cube man). You weeping for his love sounds a bit like me with my AC. Have never felt like that except with men that do the mind-effery.
You sound paralyzed hoping that if you turn it around in your mind long enough you’ll figure out how another person that said they loved you could make you so miserable. [hello parental vibes anyone!].
Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds (thats Shakespeare and its beautiful). Thats what love is.
If one person says they love, and the other one is a sobbing wreck, its not a good time for that relationship, its not a good relationship, it needs to be over.
Our culture puts so much pressure on being coupled up that we lose all sense of perspective. So much pressure as if we’re not good enough single, so much pressure on ‘the one that got away’.
Ok. Whats the worst conclusion in your mind? This – that you’re emotionally unstable and drove him away? Are you emotionally unstable? (this is not a bad thing by the way — but are you? Do you usually melt into a puddle of heartbroken sobbing or did he bring it on? He might be wonderful to his friends, a lot of ACs and narcs are much loved – thus the harem – but are horrid at actual intimacy. But perhaps you have intimacy issues too. So what? Acknowledge it, accept it, work on it. As long as you think ‘oh god did I let that perfect man get away’ you will be paralyzed. I’m saying answer yes to that since thats clearly your worst fear – face it, face that fear. Yes, I let a great man get away. Ok. Why? Because every time I was with him my soul died a little and I became a small sobbing abandoned child [and did you need any more of that?]. Oh. Ok. Why? He triggered all my pain and sorrow. Hm. Ok. Why? etc.
And seriously – Lizzie didn’t get with Mr Darcy when he made her feel like crap. She got with him when they were happy together. You were not happy with this man whether he was prince among men is irrelevant. Figure out whether you’re really emotionally unstable or whether he drew it out of you. Either way, your only way is forward, without him.
flip-flopping,
You sound exactly like me 9-12 months past the breakup. I am almost 22 months past the breakup now, and I feel it has definitely gotten better, but I still have my moments of profound sadness and loss, which I allow myself to feel while going on with my life. I too struggled blaming myself for being insecure, ruining the relationship with my insecurity, jealousy, and anxiety. Only later and recently when all the pieces came together and the last remnants of fog disappeared. I stopped blaming myself. I realize that I started acting like that because his behavior, mismatch between words and actions, ambiguity, and confusion created chaos and anxiety in me. I became very fearful of abandonment and him leaving. Only this year I understood and cried and grieved the abandonment I experienced as a child from both of my parents. I am still working on these complex issues and trying to understand and be compassionate to myself. In my past, including my ex-husband, I had couple really good relationships. And I know when I felt secure, loved, respected, and cared for, I never felt insecure. I never created drama, a high tension situation. When I was/am surrounded by people who love me and are honest, there is no fear and no insecurity. Think about this, dear flip-flopping. It might help you to think about this way: when you are with a kind loving friend, relative, or some person who has the best interest in their heart for you, do you feel nervous, agitated, insecure, possessive, jealous? Very likely no. I strongly believe that I became an emotional mess because the ex created the atmosphere of the hot/cold behavior, silent treatment, and accusing me later on of damaging a relationship with my negativity. I am responsible for staying in this relationship and not walking away early when all the red flags were there and my instinct told me something was wrong and off. I always felt it on some level but ignored and denied it. As we all know, after some time and the investment, it’s hard to leave. What you say is exactly the same experience that I had: “He gave me some reasons not to trust him but ultimately I was told that if only I trusted him, we wouldn’t have problems, or that nothing he did was ever good enough. I kept feeling like all the problems were me, and I still do. By the end of the relationship, I hated myself and became a totally different person– insecure, needy, sad, paranoid. I was always happy, self assured,etc. he made me well aware that he found my newfound insecurity unattractive, which just built on the shame I was feeling for the relationship slowly going downhill.”
And yes, he was the “nice and amazing guy” everybody liked. That’s what I punished myself too in the beginning of the healing process. I could not reconcile him in the beginning and him later, who not only mistreated me but also betrayed and deceived quite cruelly. The BR readers who remember know my story from back when I wrote in March 2014, I think. It was the most painful situation I had been in my life so far. The most amazing and crazy thing is the cognitive dissonance and denial I had experienced for months and months after what happened. I believe I might have experienced some traumatic bond with him in the end and hence it was quite hard to move on at some point.
Now we know better that we should always trust ourselves and never get to a situation where we feel unhappy, a different personality, ashamed of ourselves, insecure, dramatic, jealous.
Trust you and how you felt in the situation. He doesn’t sound like an amazing guy to me. You were not happy with him. He was not good to you and for you. He didn’t bring out the best in you. I think we blame ourselves also because we still want to control the past and not let it go. It’s a process. Read on here a lot. I still do and it helps. I realize it’s a long time to heal and recover but I don’t shame myself for not being completely over it yet. I know I am on the right track and it’s getting better. You will get there too. Self-doubt is just a part of it. You will see things more clearly as the time goes by. Time and NC do wonder after some time. We will get there. There is no magic switch. Be kind and compassionate to yourself and forgiving. You deserve the best!
Well, no Flip-Flopping. If you only trusted him when you were getting internal messages that you shouldn’t, you would have been throwing you under a bus. The relationship sounds like you were experiencing covert emotional and mental abuse. The crazy-making kind.
You didn’t drive him away. By your own admission, you lost yourself, were feeling depressed and he gave you the silent treatment and other weird stuff with a smile on his face. Sure, you may have pushed or stepped away from danger but that’s no bad thing.
If you became an emotional wreck in this relationship, it was with good reason. Your emotions are there to alert you to what you need and to also alert you to when something is not right. Don’t rag on you for having the good sense to get out of it and to recognise that even though you couldn’t put your finger on it, you’d been chopped the hell out of to the point where you’d lost yourself.
Natalie,
Thanks so much for your response. I find myself wanting to believe that there was something covertly abusive/manipulative about him, because otherwise I have no explanation for my behavior…no explanation aside from I’m crazy, too emotional, too sensitive, too needy. Not that I want to shift blame at all–I am still responsible for my actions, and perhaps a healthier response than crying/begging would be to just simply walk away.
The problem is, is that I did walk away, and I still feel inferior somehow, depressed, and consumed with thinking about what went wrong in the relationship, all these months later. His words of being happier, not making any attempt to reach out or be friends, leaves me worried that I sincerely am the problem.
My ex never raised his voice, always said he was there for me, wasn’t going anywhere, etc. So I still, all these months later, doubt myself–Should I have believed him? Did I create unnecessary problems? Did my own paranoia sabotage the relationship with a good guy? I still don’t know, but it leaves me feeling like there is something sincerely ‘wrong’ with me.
I feel very stuck in this position and afraid to move on, because I fear that I’m just incapable of relationships, having ‘ruined’ one with a guy that on the outside looked very great and continues to look pretty great. I worry that it wasn’t his insidious behaviors that caused me to lose my mind–I worry that there were no insidious behaviors at all. I worry that I just was imagining these feelings, demanded too much of a nice guy, and he realized he’s better off without me and without that because he’s healthy and normal, and I’m not.
I keep spinning my wheels wondering, ‘how can I know for sure that he was the issue’. I cannot move on and date anyone else until I know for sure because I fear that I will cause good men to leave me again. But was he a good man? I can’t figure it out…
If it is me that is the issue of my own irrational thinking and begging and emotions, then the guilt and regret of losing someone great, someone who cares so little about me at this point is overwhelming, paralyzing, and depressing. It makes me feel frantic in wanting to fix it.
No matter what way I turn/thinking about the situation, I feel stuck and am left feeling bad about myself and that there is something innately wrong with me that my emotions and insecurities pushed away a lovely man. I feel that my sadness and the behaviors in the relationship, on-top of the depression that I’ve had since I left the relationship is just ‘me’ and is who I am, and is all the reasons why he’s better off without me. I am stuck in this belief and do not know how to get unstuck. I thought the issue was with him, but I’m not so sure.
Wow. I can’t stop saying that when I read things like this on BR. I feel like I just got out of a war but I’m still bizarrely feeling like I need to go back in and fight. For the relationship? For my sanity? For closure? I don’t know. But I was successful in NC for six weeks before he came back and, though I was strong at first, I caved, let my emotions go and he’s been punishing me for it ever since. I’m so angry I let myself get caught up in this again but, the sick/scary thing is I think I’d do it again. So it’s me, right?
@flip-flopping: You said ” I feel there is something underlying to him that was tormenting me in the relationship. The problem is, I have no proof”. You don’t need “proof”, u don’t. It sounds like what u might be looking for is validation of what u inherently already know. His words and his actions didn’t match up. He said all the right things, but his behavior wasn’t in line with that. And that can cause someone to feel insecure and act needy and distrustful, playing a losing, addictive game of pulling on a slot machine over & over for the highly infrequent little payoff, or as Nat calls them… crumbs. Always trust actions, and trust your gut. How YOU feel is what’s important here, not how other people view this guy, because they don’t know him in the context u do. Much of your story is what I went through myself. I feel some of your pain may stem from continuing to put this supposedly amazing guy ahead of your own wants, needs, and values. Trust YOU. Trust what feels right and what doesn’t. Some people can stay in our heart, but not our life. Because sometimes having them in our life hurts, causes too much drama, or causes us to feel “less than” who we were before the relationship. He’s just not that special, not if it lessens you, not if the dynamic erodes u from the inside out. You’re amazing, and when u work on believing that without looking for anyone outside of u to validate that fact, u won’t mourn the loss of this relationship. Instead, you’ll begin to see it as a blessing that led to a deeper understanding and loving of YOU. If u haven’t already done so I encourage u to read Nat’s book “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl”. Best money you’ll ever spend, I guarantee it. All the best to you.
I came here today as Natalie you have been a virtual anchor over the past year and I needed a refresher today. The ex-factor – very appropriate. Thank you for sharing your story, and same to all the ladies here, so we can learn from you and grow with you.
It can be hard to look back at a relationship clearly, especially after time. I had my first unavailable relationship and fall out last year. Like other women here, this man somehow took a headstrong, confident, independent woman and made her an anxious, depressed and insecure woman. I don’t even know how it happened, it was subtle but all the signs for unavailability were there when I looked back initially. I hadn’t experienced anything like that before so I was totally confused at what was happening. His good qualities were so good, and his bad qualities were so painful. How can someone be the best you’ve experienced and then also be the worst? We ended the last few days in October last year after he admitted to spending time with someone he “was not dating, it wasn’t like that,” and I shouldn’t hate him as he “had no long-term interest in her,” but still upon being confronted with his treatment of me told me I was too good for him and bailed, after all my “investment” as it’s called here. Truly, I was the mother theresa of relationships with him and just like Natalie, the only one who tried. He still kept up contact via all social media & text until Christmas when I followed BR and went no contact. He contacted me next three months to the day actually! When we ended he immediately replaced my affection and attention with the other woman, and actually got engaged to her this past July. My healing up to that point had come from learning that he was EU and it was not a reflection of me or my worth.. that theory sort of disappears in your mind when it seems they ARE perfectly capable of being decent, loving, and having a committed relationship, just not with or towards you. I came today because a mutual friend noted that she saw he celebrated his anniversary with her Sept 25th.. that’s a little over a month before we even ended, not to mention his contact for the two months after! The anger, the betrayal, the injustice of him seemingly being rewarded with joy and love for his actions while I have remained single, alone and have struggled and worked hard to try to return to the self I was before him. Its been a year and it feels pathetic that he still controls my emotions so much, when i’m not in his mind at all. I’ve fought thoughts of writing her and “informing” her it couldn’t possibly be Sept, when he was still with me. To my knowledge she never knew about me. I’m afraid i’ll never find peace with it. No matter how many steps forward I take he somehow returns, haunting me. I’m grateful to be able to come here and think, share and find some solace or insight.
Jaysus, he’s really textbook. So many parallels with my own experience. Gave me a shiver. Of course she doesn’t know that she’s involved with somebody so duplicitous and if she does know, she has issues anyway. I’m sure if she heard him speak about her in the way that he did last year, she would not be too happy. That information that’s come to light is to set you free, not for persecution. It’s showing you who he is. You could be with him and have him sleeping with other women behind your back and dismissing your feelings. Why would you want to be “an anxious, depressed and insecure woman” just for the sake of being in a relationship with him? No thanks.
What you have to ask now is, what is this really about? Why is it so easy for you to blame you? Why was a man of extremes so attractive to you? Who does he remind you of and what does this pain bring up for you? When you shine the light of awareness on those hurt parts, you are available and healing.
No, certainly, I would never want to go back to how I felt those following months. It was soul crushing. I do not want him back. It’s really about the anger. The anger from feeling like his dirty little secret he didn’t have to admit to anyone. We were long distance (3 hrs), so no one there save for a few of his friends knew about me. He was free to encourage this other woman because there was no risk of her knowing. She can’t possibly know, he would never sabotage an opportunity. I assume she does have some issues as he had said she had just left her husband of six years in July and so apparently two months later she’s already scrambling to fill the void. I know my truth, my friends who witnessed it all know my truth and that should be enough, but it does bother me that everyone there still adores him and hails him as a good man. My friend who told me about the anniversary made reference to comments on it from others about how “happy you make each other, are a gift to each other, etc” TMI I told her, but it made me roll my eyes in nausea to hear it. That’s where the urge to write her and say “excuse me, can’t be September,” came in as a way to validate my existence in his life at the time, to show that I mattered, since he did such a bang-up job of showing I did not. It weird but his committing to her, getting engaged, etc actually feels in some way like its invalidating or robbing me of my right to feel what happened was wrong. Like see, I’m not a bad guy, I’m committed and to be married. For a moment you go wait, did what happened really happen? Is he a good guy that just made some poor decisions towards me and me alone? The thought of him deciding to become husband material to the OW just irks me. Believe me, I want to not be angry, to let it go, to forget him.. that’s why I read things like BR to try to knock sense into my head.
To answer your other questions, he was attractive because before all the nonsense began, I had never in my life met someone who was so like me. Temperament, interests, hobbies, values (seemingly at the time), life goals.. it was uncanny! A joy! The only man I have ever thought, “this might be it.” That’s why the disappointment and grief was so deep, because he had painted a picture of what could be. Only he decided to give it to someone else after I was emotionally invested. I guess I’ve had moments of blaming myself or more so questioning my worth because when confronted it’s me he left, not her. The pain of rejection or as it turned out, an apparently unrequited love. He didn’t remind me of anyone, not to my knowledge anyway. I had great relationships with my father, brother all my life. Had issues with my mom growing up but they were resolved in my early 20’s and we have a great loving relationship now. I think I just can’t handle the rejection, feeling worthless by him, and the loss of the hope and dreams by someone whom I cared so deeply for, and knowing he is happy and in love when frankly, he didn’t deserve to be rewarded for his behavior or have it work out so perfectly without consequences. It feels immature to type, but it is part of how I feel.
Hi Natalie,
It’s amazing the similarities between the situations. About 1 month after I was engaged to him, there was a turn. He pulled away and like you, I took the role of psychiatrist. And all the scenarios I played out in my head, were ones where he was once again the victim. I was away for a total of 13 weeks, 5 right after our engagement and 8 after he pulled away because I was in my last year of medical school. He was so mean, not returning my texts or calls when I was away, yet continuing to seek my advice. I decided that we needed to take a break and he needed to figure out what he wanted in November of last year. Unbeknownst to me, that was his go ahead to be sleeping with the woman who he had been dating for 2 or more months already (I don’t know exactly how long because he could “never remember the details”). I spent the next two months, all alone for the holidays until I decided that I was worth more than how he treated me and wasnt going to wait until he “figured things out”. I told him I was done and he panicked and confessed. But in usual fashion really left out 95%of the story until I asked. The emotional affair that started even before we got engaged. He actually had the gall to tell me he still wanted to marry me and now he wanted kids ( because he watched the movie knocked up!). That was when I knew he was crazy, he never even broke up with her before he came over.
It took me a long time to start becoming ok, and dating has definitely presented a challenge with my trust and confidence. But your blog, and books have really touched me and have helped me so much in growing, moving on, and realizing I deserve more. Thank you.
Angela
I think Ratbag was his name, Angela. He has no shame. Loving the way he hedged his bets and made that big ole proclamation while he was still with the woman he was cheating on you with…
Stop blaming you for his behaviour. It’s not that you were studying, not good enough or whatever else you’re blaming. You were with someone who was and is unavailable for a mutually fulfilling healthy relationship. You did not deserve to be treated that way. Don’t date until you’re ready to forgive you for what went down so that you can be free to healthily learn from the experience and move. xx
Hi Natalie, your articles have helped me so much thank you…when I was dumped by my bf I was looking for anything and everything on the internet that I could relate to my situation and could help me with the healing process. I had never even known there was such great info like this on the internet. I was dumped out of the blue literally from one day to the next. We were planning on moving in together and I called him one night and he told me all the lame excuses they use…it’s not you it’s me etc. I didn’t take it well AT ALL. I kept asking him “why” etc and the conversation just got out of hand and I ended up hanging up on him. So I lost my dignity with that conversation. Then I proceeded to sent him a bunch of texts ranging from “you jerk” to “I’m sorry for that last text” lol. I don’t know why we do these things, or me rather. I was so shocked. A few weeks later I sent him an apology about “my” behavior on the phone that night and I also called him, of course he didn’t answer…he sent me a confusing message back saying he was sorry he missed my call (yeah right) and that if I wanted to I could call him back again tomorrow?! I didn’t call him bc it seemed to me he was just being “polite” and didn’t want to talk to me. I have been on strict NC since then which has been almost 2 months. It’s been very hard for me. There’s been times when I’ve wanted to send a message like “what did I do to deserve this” etc. but I know he won’t reply and it won’t do anything for me. I’ve been thinking of sending an email to him which is ready to go but now I think it’s too late? One of the reasons i wanted to send it was bc I felt like he cheated on me and left me for someone else…although I don’t know that for sure but it’s highly likely especially bc of his sudden disappearing act. He hasn’t once tried to contact me since he broke up with me. I have to respect that he doesn’t want to talk to me but everything was so great between us. I just don’t understand what happened. It’s the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to me. Any advice on whether I should send the email? Or is too late? Its a nice email btw, no bashing etc even though he deserves it in my opinion…
Hello everyone, I’ve been reading BR for three weeks now and was feeling better about my recent break-up with an AC, until today… I saw him in his car with some woman and it broke my heart all over again just to think that I was so easy to get over. We broke up about two months ago, I cried and I begged him for another chance but he was SO mean, telling me he didn’t want to see me or talk to me, he said he couldn’t deal with my insecurities any longer but he did a lot of things that made me doubt him, I never trusted him again since I saw some horrible messages on his phone to a hooker 2 years ago and a lot more stuff, he always made me believe I was at fault for everything wrong in our relationship, my jealousy, my depression, etc. He was always partying, smoking weed, 33 and living with his parents but I was the loser in his eyes. Last time I heard from him was two weeks ago, he told me we should go out and get some beer at 10 pm on a Tuesday, I told him I was busy, he said ok and never contact me again. This is the third time he breaks up with me, last two times he came back telling me he was sorry and I fell for his old tricks. I just can’t understand why he always do this, last time I told him to get completely out of my life if the thought so low of me, that I’m useless, fat, ugly (I’m much more attractive than him) to leave me alone and let me get over this. I know I’m stupid for waiting to hear from him again specially after what I saw today, I just want to stop wanting him to contact me, to validate me. I feel so bad. I started taking pills this weekend after I went to a psychiatrist, I was suicidal and after that I felt so much better and now this. Please I need some advice, something that makes me realize that this will be over sometime. I’m 25 years old I don’t want to waste more time with this narcisistic, cruel man. We dated almost 4 years.
Anita, I share your grief…that’s one of my biggest fears is seeing my ex with someone else. I’m sorry you’re going through that. I’ve made it a point (sadly) to not go near any of the places my ex might be, which is ridiculous but it’s for my own sanity. Anyway, here’s my two cents on your situation if it helps…I feel your pain. I’ve been in a relationship similar to yours before and I finally had to cut it off. It was very hard but it had to be done. Like the saying goes “what we allow will continue”. And you’re not the loser, he is!! Please don’t let him make you feel that way and lower your self esteem. Ugh they’re so good at that. We place way too much importance on what they think of us, it’s sad really. I’m not very good at giving advice but hope it helped a little. I hope everything works out for you and you’re able to move on eventually.
Thanks Jaye, for reading and giving me advice, I still feel awful but I appreciate your words very much. I know I’m stronger than this, I will move on someday…
I feel for anyone going through this situation. Almost 2 months later and I still have bad moments where I cry my eyes out and feel anger. I feel depressed most days because I’m still in shock I guess. Ah acceptance…not there yet I guess. I can’t help but think what did I do to deserve this..or better yet why he did this to me. It was an out of the blue breakup. Then to not even contact me after he dumped me even just to say “sorry things didn’t work out” or “hope you’re doing well”…nothing. I contacted him once to apologize I guess for “my” part or reaction to the breakup because I didn’t take it well. Why did I apologize? I have no idea, it’s a breakup I’m not supposed to take it well right lol. He doesn’t even feel bad for treating me like crap when he broke it off. I can’t even wrap my head around it, he was such an awesome person (or so I thought) when we were together, what happened? Was it all just an act? Was I an ego stroke? Is he a narc? I know it’s pointless, I’ll never have the answers to all those typical questions we ask ourselves, but i still torture myself anyway ugh. It kinda makes me sick to think i was around someone who didn’t feel the same about me but told me otherwise of course. I’ve thought of emailing him my “feelings” etc but there’s no point. Even if I get a response which is unlikely at this point…it’ll be a temporary high..or worse low. It’ll just set me back. He probably wouldn’t tell me the truth anyway although I’m sure there was someone else…Then I get to imagine all the fun he’s having with someone else, especially now since the holidays are here. Just when I thought my faith in men had returned, he pulled this. My apologies for my raw emotions in this post, I’ve had a difficult time letting go. I’m sure one day I’ll come out of this, until then it still hurts like hell. I hope one day I’ll figure out why this happened. Hugs to everyone going through this <3
Hi Nat,
Some of the things you describe here sound like something I’ve been through that ended about a year ago. This year around the approximate date when my breakup happaned…I was smiling thinking: and here I am – I thought I won’t be able to breathe ever again, but I’m actually doing better on my own. It was not a smug smile, just a very serene one – I am genuinely happy not to be in that relationship anymore. I, too, like so many others used to think there was no-one like him on the planet, that he must have been the best guy I’ve ever met (he’d jokingly say that too – he thought he had a cutting sense of humour…and I thought so too…ha), my soul mate… And so I can understand why so many ladies or men come here to say that their previous partners were the bee’s knees. And all the self-blame and torture that is sometimes so pointless… We were all putting people up on pedestals, even when, like Nat said, they had lost interest in what we were doing, or were absent, then tried to diminish our fears and questions and doubts, rightly asked, thus blaming us for the problems… I too, like someone here, was screaming and shouting at some point, but I had been like that for a part of my life, courtesy of my father’s alcoholism and of my lack of emotional control that ensued. But I had taken steps to readdress some issues, I had taken steps to take stock and responsibility for my behaviour – which gave him the fuel to pour on the blame fire: he just used it to turn it all against me “why are you doing this?”, “why are you spoiling everything”, “you know you’re like that”, “you need to get a hold of yourself”, “you’re exaggerating”. And all of these were nothing but manipulative ways of shifting the focus from the real issues I was bringing up. Yes, maybe I was too dramatic in some ways, too intense, but it was my anger rising up because I was stuffing down my feelings, silencing my instincts. I also remember the time he smacked me (just that one time) because I was shouting at him..asking him to answer questions that I had – which he never did..because he preferred the silent treatment, answering only when it suited him. I didn’t leave even after that..I just took everything as I knew it: my fault, because of my childhood, my anger issues, my insecurities, my depression. Never him you know. I told him such intimate sensitive things, secrets that hurt and have deeply scarred me, and instead of being somehow helped and protected in that, I was forced to defend myself when he started using them as weapons directed at me – the explanation for anything that was a problem was that I was somehow …broken.
There was indeed that looming grey cloud over my head and I just refused to see who was the cause. I refused to see that strangely enough, my behaviour was getting better and his worse, because I was setting boundaries that were beginning to be healthier (yes, I had blanked out his violent episode and all his other shady behaviours unfortunately) so he couldn’t keep up with his side of betterment. He hardly wanted to apologise or dwell on things, like normal people would – he just wanted it all to be forgotten. “Just snap out of it” he’d say… It was all so messed up, but hey – I still thought we were supposed to be together right? It’s was all so up and down but I remember distinctly telling one of my friends that “if he were to gradually disappear out of my life, I don’t think I’d notice it”. But I still stayed, and I quite never know why we all still want to be with those people who clearly put themselves before anything and anyone, hurt us on purpose, laugh at our distress – sooo many times, or at out worries, making us feel small and inferior, people who dismiss everything we hold important, and most of all…why do we want this continuous lack of respect?…
He started wanting to break up once, then I said we need to work on this, it’s been 2 years of our lives… He said yes and we seemed to be fixing things – but more me than him, he had started distancing himself. Looking back I think he’s always been that distant in a way, keeping me at arm’s length whenever it didn’t suit him, whenever I’d rock the boat – as if these were not normal in a relationship. Anything troublesome was to be ignored and he’d just want things to be happy and perky. Anything that might have been his wrongdoing…well we never had too many talks about that – it was all then turned around and pointed at me, to distract me with my problem behaviour, my not being “normal”…to the point where I didn’t know what was right or real anymore. I was constantly presenting our fights to my friends as my fault, my being crazy. I was part of the mechanism.
And his friends, oh they adored him, everyone told me he was the best guy, and I started repeating that like a parrot. I’m ashamed of how gullible I was, saying those amazing words about him as if I had no brain. They’re understandable at the beginning, when you are obviously in love and blind to the world and everything, but when those thoughts of awakening start creeping in, why do we silence them, as if our instincts are nothing at all? We just want them to love us, like our dad never did, and to be proud of us, like our moms maybe never were, or to prove ourselves as “normal” because someone like that, the best, the kindest, most loved, most popular – loves US. Despite the fact that deep down inside…we’re beginning to hate/dislike them, who they are and what behaviour they display towards us. Well that charismatic collector of popular love pouring from the harem was even unable to break up properly when the time came (one month after finally meeting my parents and travelling to my country with me) – I dragged it out of him before a fireworks night for which he got the tickets (!) ; he wasn’t going to say anything had I not prompted him to, and after sort of saying “we need to take a break ” or whatever “I can’t do this anymore”- can’t remember with the shock then-, he just patted me on the back and said : “let’s just enjoy this (the fireworks) ok?”. Seriously? 🙂 I’m sorry to say now this is funny! I do find it funny in a twisted way. At his 40 years of age he couldn’t even break up properly, with respect…Yes I brought it about at that unusual place, but I didn’t really know what was up (we’d been talking moving in in the summer for example) and in my delusional mind I thought he was just exhausted with his work (yes, he was very busy/tired/running out of time/texting me a lot instead of seeing me- recognise anything?). It was great, a fireworks display and a pat on the back. It’s not metaphorical: he did pat me on the back… I started weeping like it was the end of the world.
It was followed by talks, out of which I didn’t get any sense, I thought it was a break as he said, we stayed in touch, we tried to go out, he even apologised for being such a bad boyfriend lately and kissed me, followed by other nights when he ignored me then shouted at me for calling repeatedly and wanting attention… And whilst I was trying to survive on air from him, not stirring things more, letting him clear his head, I found out before Christmas that we’re not “on a break… It’s a breakup… Who’s ever heard of a break?”- It’s an actual quote from him. At 40 years of age. Then he went to buy pressies for his family, told me about his Christmas dinner with friends, and how one of his closest friends was going through some hard, hard times (“you don’t wanna know what C is going through…” Really?!). I kept on crying for another month or so…barely breathing. Barely functioning. But in early January I started reading up on “wait, what if it’s not my fault this time?” and co-dependency and narcissism and the Peter Pan syndrome.. And Bang!the lights went on! Blinds were up. Hello new me. I returned all of his things and obviously he was disappointed, people said it was silly and I told them to shut it – it’s my life and I don’t want anything left over from him. Truth be told all my respect for him had gone – I’d also managed to get it out of him, that he’d been seeing other people or someone or whatever. The signs had been there but I’d not listened to others , and their suggestions of the kind. I though he was too respectful to do that..like ever! So I guess when everything hits you in the face, you are forced to look at the person in front of you and see them for who they are. I told him to never contact me again and to ignore me if he sees me, or if he will, to just say hi and maybe I’ll reply. Nothing else. All my begging of him to come back was gone, my crying, my endlessly calling over a phone that was never answered, my leaving a million messages over the voicemail. It was so hard at times, but I had lost all respect for him. I thought he was small and terribly unpleasant. He lives in the same neighbourhood but chances of running into each other are small. I judged myself harshly for sending him the last cold mails of stay away, you are small and petty and an a**clown with your cool facade and shady ways behind the closed doors, etc. But hey if I needed to vent my anger, so be it. I kept the emails shorter than I ever thought I’d be able to – I could’ve written stuff to him for ages and ages but I knew there was no point. He would have never even admitted to half the stuff he did, and this time I didn’t need him to because I knew it and didn’t need his validation. I told him to keep his harem but that I wouldn’t be joining the ranks of happy clappers, friends and exes, because I didn’t condone his behaviour – no matter how much he’d try to make it look, to me, or his friends or anyone who’ll listen, that my cutting him out was because I was bitter, or an angry person, or some sort of uncool ex.
I spent a lot of time blaming myself for many things: for being a screaming and insecure woman for so long, for staying in the relationship too much, for being such an unevolved emotional wreck, for being a child and not feeling like a grownup able to deal with the things in my life like everyone else, for not being more cool and collected in my breakup at the beginning – but I am a very passionate person and sometimes I have to burn, burn…until I can rebuild from the ashes. I am happy I am out of there and despite not wanting anyone too much harm, I hope he will go through what he has to in order to actually have a proper look at what his behaviour has put others through. But I also understand that in life it’s not me who will decide who goes through what, why, who is worthy of this or that. It’s all subjective. However, I am glad that I do not wish to be with him anymore, and have no regrets about being here where I am now. I went through the being in love, a little blind, then more blind and so on, but happy that I could finally see though the BS I was putting myself through, and the BS he was putting me through. I can’t be that very forgiving person who is all at peace with the world and accepts some terrible things from former partners and yet…still keeps them in their life. I am still in touch with exes, but with the ones that showed me the respect one is owed, the ones that actually showed what I thought was actual feeling, sadness, responsibility. Just …normal behaviour I guess.
I now know I am still guarded, I am not ready to meet anyone, but also know I need to have a permanent, more in depth look at my childhood and its effects on me and my relationships. I may meet someone, I may be without a permanent partner – life is not set in any particular way we expect it to. I need to learn, but I also know that life will never be 100% safe, which is scary and sometimes hard to accept. I need to fight every day to make myself better, but be kind on myself too – and learn to be good to me not just harsh and punishing and shaming my own behaviours. Many things have passed, and many are ahead, and we just learn along the way… We’ll see where that takes me.
Anyone have any advice on sending an letter/email to an ex…after 2 months? No name calling or any pathetic begging “I miss you” type stuff, just how I feel about things I guess. 2 months seems like a long time to me, I’m sure he’s moved on. Has anyone ever done this and what was the result? Pointless?
Hi Jay…
I don’t know what to say. It’s sometimes worth saying what you want to say . I did it to one guy I was dating but he definitely wasn’t worth it, I think I shouldn’t have bothered on that occasion. When it comes to real relationships though..if you send a letter or email you might have to deal with him replying and opening new wounds. That’s what my ex did when he was trying to contact meas a friend – he was used to everyone being chums but in our case I had no intention of keeping him in my life. Their replies to emails are usually ..inducing pain, because they are just again stating what they believe went wrong or how it’s not their fault or how they didn’t want to mistreat you..followed by big “that’s the way it is”. I was lucky to have had some …closure in my head by the time this happened but it still hurt. Can I ask..why do you want to send it? What do you think it will do? And what if you actually get a reply? Are you prepared?
I hope you are ok and hanging in there!! There is light, so much light after all the pain, you won’t believe it yourself when you smile at the world again
Thank you ladies for the input…@Ro, there’s a few reasons I wanted to send it. One was to get my feelings out, even though I’m sure he knows what he did to an extent. I know he’ll probably never contact me even if he realized he made a mistake so that was another reason. It was mainly to get my feelings out there. I know they say to journal them but don’t send. This helps but only so much I’m my opinion. I’ve thought about the pros and cons of sending one. The no reply, the bad reply, the breadcrumb reply etc. I also have a fear he’ll say “please don’t contact me again” or something. He’s really not like that but you never know how someone will take an email even if it wasn’t intended that way. That’s why I prefer an actual conversation but I don’t think he’d give me one and plus…I don’t really want to talk to him because I know it’ll be a repeat of the breakup conversation, if that makes any sense…I keep reminding myself that if I send something it’ll stir the pot again and it’ll be a temporary high or low because he doesn’t want to be with me and I know I need to respect his decision. I read somewhere that if you send a letter, send it for yourself, without expecting a response. I think deep down we all want one though. There’s also a side of me that wants him to know how I feel because I’ll never talk to him again. It’s the “tell someone how you feel because life is too short” mentality. Years ago, I would’ve sent an email without thinking but looking back it was a bad idea…in SOME instances. I read Nats article about “debriefing” which is kind of like sending a letter. She says in there about leaving with more questions than answers. If I think back to ex’s in the past, I still have questions and I’m sure they have questions too that will never be answered. Thanks for the input. Hopefully I can put this in the past soon and get back to ME.
Hi Jay,
Don’t. It will bring you more pain and prolong the healing.
Closure will come on your own with time.
Jay,
Please read Nat’s Unsent Letter guide. Its brilliant! and will guide you the best.
@Ro…I was reading what you said about your ex reopening old wounds etc. and I’m sorry to hear that. I was with a guy a few years back that had been separated and told me he was divorcing his wife…I was stupid enough to believe this of course. Towards the end of our relationship he was acting weird and I had suspected he was getting back with her but didn’t tell me that of course. I cut him off because I knew I wouldn’t get the truth. A few months later I found out from a mutual friend that they were intimate etc while we were dating (gross) Of course this infuriated me so I stupidly sent a strongly worded message to him and he confirmed that they were getting back together etc. Of course he said they got back together AFTER we stopped talking. I knew that was BS. Anyway my point is…even though I got that anger out by letting him know I knew, it was pointless because he just reopened that wound for me, not to mention set me back a few months in the healing process. Plus I already suspected this. I refer to this situation when thinking of sending that email..
Yes yes yes…it felt great writing the mails, at the beginning when it was my inital “you did this and that” and I felt like I was getting things off my chest only, because I was also telling him to “never contact me again and forget you know me – we are complete strangers”. I did keep it relatively short as it was in the days when I realised he was the biggest jerk out of the two of us, with no respect for the partner. I was still mad as hell, angry to the core – but this time, after 2 months of crying and weird, chummy-though-distant contact for him (I can’t describe the limbo of him not saying what the heck it was, break, breakup, let’s try – until before Xmas- in any other way), I actually did not, could not be angry at myself anymore , for supposedly ruining the relationship with this supposedly amazing guy. I was angry at him. Yes, not healthy or maybe not recommended 🙂 by everyone, but it was what I felt and I think it was my awakening. However, when writing you don’t expect the reply you see… At first, his emails made me cry, and cry, and cry…then I wrote back to say “no, you are the horrible person here and stop telling me how you actually do love me BUT..”, “stop wishing me well, or telling me you think greatly of me, because your opinion doesn’t matter – I have no respect for you and your lies”. I was actually not lying saying those things, I kid you not. The outpour of energy felt great, I felt I was regaining myself, and that high from that mixture of anger and verbalisation of my clear feelings gave me something to hope for, like I’d found myself. Anger is not good, I know, but I’ve always been a bit..edgy to say that, and this anger was more of a deep forceful desire to stop hating myself, be honest and tell the raw truth that I had hidden even from myself, and to direct my contempt towards the actual comtemptible person…for once! Still…his replies did come back and this second time I tried not to read them thoroughly, just skimmed through. I was through with it.. So I tried not to read them, skipped entire sentences, because I recognised the ..stupid, meaningless drivel he was pouring into my ear all the time and that was never doubled by facts, the superficial pompous phrases he liked to use in his attempts to make himself the best guy ever, which he was not..not ever. Still, yes they did hurt, it hurts and cuts and God it leaves you breathless to see the other one defending themselves with pathetic words of poor them…or wishing you well after they literally walked all over you, or sent you home crying refusing to answer your questions, etc. It’s pointless – they will keep on being cowards and hide behind some explanation of why they didn’t respect you in the least. They’ll never say “because I am lame and can’t handle feelings, relationships, because I lie and really not care about you, or the woman before, or the next” (and if they get a “next” that seems perfect…don’t you worry – everything is perfect on the outside but behind closed doors we all know the situation is super different, just as it was with their social vs intimate relationship mask). Trouble is some of us ladies out there want to..heal them, help them, love them, maybe if we were different they’d be different sort of thing. I know know better – NO. NEVER. I’ve never met anyone -among exes, friends’partners etc- that I thought was really great, worth being with, but who’d do such shitty little adolescent things. I have not. I digress. I digress so much I feel I should apologise. It’s in keeping with the theme anyway…
But all in all I suggest you have a good think about the letter you are trying to send/not send now. After all you’re ending with “I knew that was BS. Anyway my point is…even though I got that anger out by letting him know I knew, it was pointless because he just reopened that wound for me, not to mention set me back a few months in the healing process. Plus I already suspected this. I refer to this situation when thinking of sending that email..” That’s what YOU wrote, fair enough about another email or letter to another person, but it’s like you’re replying to your own question.. Basically yes in a way it’s worth just writing your feelings because it feels good, as if maybe they’ll be hurt, admit their shady behaviour, or even come back (sometimes we don’t admit it to ourselves but we do pray for a miracle 180 turn and a magic ending). Luckily we’ll find out in time that it’s a blessing we’re not together with them anymore. On the other hand…is it worth wasting your breath? Two months is too long for anything..of course you’re still grieving and of course it should still hurt after having been so…ungraciously removed… But what if you actually get a reply back? If he is mean, you’ll be hurt. if he is not mean but does the polite thing you’ll maybe start to blame yourself a little and regret not having him still…forgetiing he’s actually a jerk if you pardon my language. if he admits to cheating/prepping a future gf while still with you, that’ll hurt too. I don’t know if there’s a way to get anything that you want out of it really, because it is quite very clear what kind of person you re dealing with, unfortunately.. Maybe all of the talking here, the posting, the opinions..maybe that’ll just help you get your thoughts and feelings out there and just give you that closure you need. Do read Nat’s Unsent letter guide as that’ll help to understand what you feel and explain why. Then if you still feel like doing that, decide then on what why how etc… Postpone it for a bit..I started writing a million gazillion letters, I had notes I carried with me, I made drafts in my phone!..turns out at the end that after writing my feelings so much and remembering some things I’d forgotten about what he did, his manipulative ways, etc, I didn’t need much more explanation from him. I was just hard headed and wanted to express my loss of respect to him and how little I ended up thinking of him, because I knew he would feel some hurt – he was a big ego man, but I also know it just gave him more fuel to think/say OMG look she’s still this angry/frustrated person/drama queen. That sort of thing. But in my case I really did not care anymore, his opinion of me was unimportant, despite feeling hurt by his words. So just ..postpone everything. Keep writing a million things and tell yourself that it’s because you’re…perfecting the letter! 🙂 By the time you’ve finished I don’t think you’ll need it anymore.
Lots of love to you, and take care of yourself. Keep reading stories and posts here, it helps immensely!
P.S. I’ve noticed you seem almost a bit..like me at the time, in that you are almost too careful not to seem immature/crazy-like, pathetic etc by actually expressing your real feelings in a way, by holding back from that avalanche that has rightfully been triggered in you. My question is have you given yourself some time to grieve properly, to actually shout and scream in a pillow, to be rightfully angry angry angry and admit that you have a right to be? Are you letting yourself be…human or trying to hold it too much together in an attempt to not seem the crazy/lame ex? I hope you don’t mind my assumption…
An insightful and intelligently written post Natalie. Thank you. I too dated a Mr Wrong for a long time (yeah 6 years, I don’t do things by halves do I!), fooling myself that he could be Mr Right in time. To say love is blind is an understatement, in my case it was totally, mind blowingly delusional lol! I don’t wish to disrespect him, but I cant help but look back at those years with bewilderment. Why? Because I just don’t get was his appeal for me was, really I don’t. We were the proverbial chalk and cheese, but I was young and think it must have just been an ‘experimental’ phase for me, perhaps trying out something different from my ‘normal type’. But I paid the price. He broke my heart, turned my life upside down, and let me walk away after 6 years without a care. But you know what, I don’t have regrets, because after the initial ‘heart ripping turmoil’ I finally came away stronger, I coped with the upheaval the break up had on my life, and am proud of myself for it. The experience didn’t lower my self esteem, but made it grow. Without that experience, though so head spinningly god awful at the time, I wouldn’t have been who I am today. So as strange as it sounds I am forever grateful for having lived this. And for the ladies currently experiencing and going through a break up right now, well hugs to you, but please know there is light at the end of this heartbreak, its just your journey into making you a more complete you and leading you onto your path of finding your true love. Hugs!
BTW Natalie – loving How to Get way with Murder. Viola Davis is amazing, and how closely does Karla Souza resemble Jennifer Connelly…its uncanny!
Oh my god! This post is just what I need to read right now! Thank you! I just got out of a long distance relationship of a year. The end was truly truly awful. The beginning was a bit like a whirlwind, fell in love fast & hard, made plans for the future etc etc. He told me he started marriage counselling with his ex wife 4 months before we ended it, I stupidly stuck around because I believed the ‘she’s forcing me into it’ ‘i am legally married to her but i am madly in love with you’ ‘it’s not going to work with her’. I feel ashamed I allowed it to continue and I listened to this saccharin nonsense. I did try to end it in July & he cried and begged me not to leave so I genuinely thought he wanted us but was scared, so I put my everything into making HIM feel secure and supported. Then one day he just ups and disappears, couldn’t get hold of him for 2 weeks, when I eventually do there’s no apology, nothing, just pure arrogance. In the last few weeks I’ve found out this man is utterly abhorrent, he’s a pathological liar, a serial cheat & his wife is in fact pregnant, I doubt they even split up in the first place. It’s left me in a hole I am still trying to climb out of. A truly truly dark place. Where in my logical brain I know the truth but another side is still pining. Doubting my judgement, trust, everything. But there’s so much in your post I can relate to.
“He worked very hard to snare this woman who he viewed as being “ambitious”, “outgoing”, “determined”, with “looks” but worked really hard at breaking that down once he nailed me.
This literally hit me like a ton of bricks! It’s exactly how I felt. I think he likes breaking women down so he can feel powerful. It’s so sad.
I really hope I can get to the stage you’re at now!
Again thank you for sharing
Ro, thank you for your advice and insight I really appreciate it! Actually I have been, in my opinion, pretty good at NC with him. After we broke up, I contacted him only once to apologize for “my” part in the breakup conversation (called first no answer, then sent email) Not that I did anything wrong really but I said some stupid things as did he and it got out of hand. I was just trying to be the better person I guess. No apologies from him of course! He did reply but it was one of those “just being polite” replies. I always hear of these women and men that beg for their ex’s back by sending emails, calling, texting, stalking Facebook, and for months too! That’s not me, I’m not the begging type because I know how it looks to the other person and it’s self torture. The other person is getting a kick out of it, sadly. I thought if I kept it cool at first he might contact me…I was wrong. I forced myself into NC after that because I knew it was a waste of time trying to talk to him at that time, he’d moved on. I also knew I would never get over it if I kept trying to contact him, I didn’t have any other choice really. The NC has helped though. The first few weeks were horrible. I beat myself up over it and cried for weeks until I just became exhausted, physically and mentally. Now it’s developed into somewhat of a depression because I’m out of tears and because I realize I’ll never hear from him again…. One thing I never did though was send him my feelings about the situation. I’m not sure if you can relate to this but did you ever feel like “they got away with something”? That may sound ridiculous but I felt like he lied
to me about the reasons for the breakup and the email was gona somehow call him out on that, among other things…not that it matters but it’s almost like letting him know I’m not stupid. I had been writing an email since we broke up, that I’ve modified several times of course lol but that I had never sent. Your assumption is correct, I don’t want to seem like the crazy ex which I don’t think I am but a lot of guys view it that way. I have a bad habit of bottling things up, acting like it doesn’t bother me and then it weighs on my mind until I do something about it. My main issue with the email is that it’s too late to send. As I’ve mentioned before, it’s a nice email. It’s not mean, there’s no begging, only my feelings. Btw if he had given me a chance to have an actual conversation with him, I would’ve taken it. Even if that meant it was slightly uncomfortable. That’s the thing about letters and texts, its in black and white, you can’t take it back and someone will always take something the wrong way. I think its good to tell people how you feel, at least once. I guess it depends on the situation I don’t know. I’ve always struggled with this. I have to admit when I’ve sent an emotional email before it does feel good to get it out but that feeling is sometimes short lived. It’s so funny you mentioned the perfecting of it because I was thinking of sending it after the holidays. I’ll get it to where it’s so prefect with all the right words and commas in the right places…lol. Hopefully by that time, I won’t care to send it. That’s the point..
Of course “they got away with something”. I mean if I get it right you broke up over the phone – how cool of him. He did get away with many things, lying, maybe cheating, being a complete and utter assclown…I personally think you’re taking it well – I mean when it hapened to meI did the crying, the why??? shouting, the calling him and apologising, then not apologising, then reminiscing about the past in long voicemails, not eating/sleeping, then hoping he’d be back and pleading for him to come back (although towards the end I noticed that I somehow didn’t actuall…feel like I meant it anymore ..it just felt like I was calling someone I didn’t know anymore and hadn’t even met in a way, definitely not someone I liked). So I was a complete rollercoaster but in a way I knew I wanted to do it my way, despite people saying I may lose my dignity in the process. I actually felt I was getting mine back as a result of his cruel and uncaring replies to a world of pain – so it just made me realise who he was. Now…I don’t know if it’s too late for you to send your email nor if you should, I mean trust me..in a way I think he knows what you know, suspect, or think of him – I think he does, he’s just …probably a bit happy to pretend he didn’t do anything horrible and doesn’t have to do with the consequences. He knows what he did, full well, and he knows you know too afte asking so many whys?. If you wait before you send that thing, maybe you too will tire at the situation and see him for the little man he is..and see how utter pointless is to let him know your feelings, or that you have an inkling as to what he did. One lady I worked for told me that when one of her exes send her a stupid email with some stupid excuse for breaking up (in an email..hello), she felt like only writing bakc “you’re so pathetic”, fullstop. But she said he didn’t even deserve a reply so she just didn’t.. I would have, you see. If the one thing we could send the other person were a few words, that would be it for me. Because I think we are sometimes too gracious with our replies, too nice and dignified, so much so that I fear they never get to find out we see them as pathetic and we’re actually back on our feet. I know that this is a community of ladies trying to do the right thing, the right way, and to keep their sould, dignity and sanity in the process. But I sometimes wonder if just that one liner, “you’re pathetic”, sent to one of those many men that treat us like rubbish is actually worth it… I suppose I like the idea of being satisfied with not getting down to their actual level but still letting them know they are” low” in your eyes, so low they don’t even deserve another blink. But I also have to consider that ultimately our goal is to be better on the inside for own good, and to try to grow and cultivate that good. So I guess it’s up to everyone to decide which path is better for their healing.
Noting’s ever too late, but I think if you postpone it until after the New Year things might be different. Time is an amazing healer and by then your feelings may have changed anyway, towards him or what he’s done. You might even see him in a different light and be glad to be rid of him…
Does anyone have another opinion they wanna share?
Ro, that’s exactly what I did! We broke up over the phone. I called him after not hearing from him for days…stupid me I guess. I lost my dignity that night. It was a 30 minute convo asking “why”?! Him saying cruel things etc. Thats 30 minutes of my life I’ll never get back! And yep.. I sent a bunch of text messages afterwards ranging from “how could you” to “you jerk” to “sorry for that last text”. Me ego was bruised and I felt like a joke, not to mention I was in total shock. This guy had just taken me out, said he loved me and was acting normal. Even though it’s been a few months, I’m still in shock. This guy treated me as if I hung the moon and now I’m nothing. He was future faking for sure. I beat myself up for weeks wishing I hadn’t called him that night or wishing my reaction were different. Then I realized It is what it is and I can’t change what happened. All I can do is fix what I can and learn from it. I realize now there was nothing I could’ve done to prevent him from leaving, whether I called that night or not. If I hadn’t called, I would be posting about a guy that never called me again instead. He didn’t even have the balls to call me and let me know! He was hoping I would just disappear. Sometimes I wish I had, the outcome is the same anyway. I wonder if he even regrets what he did or even thinks about me in his quiet time, I’ll never know…I could say so many things about this situation but I’ve written so many novels on here already! As for the email, we’ll see how I feel next year..
Thank you to Nat for letting me vent on this site, it’s really helped. When this happened, I was looking for anything and everything that I could relate to my situation. I’ve read lots of articles and so far yours have been the best…in my opinion. The articles and comments have really helped me understand what I’m going through. A big hug for anyone going through this. You’re definitely not alone.
Ro, I also wanted to tell you I am starting to see him in a different light already. To me, he’s not this charming, cool, sweet guy anymore. He’s the AC in disguise that abandoned me…possibly for someone else. I’m not at the point where I’m glad he’s gone. Maybe someday I will. This may be a weird thing to say but sometimes I wish he was a loser with no job etc so I can feel better that he left me. I’ve had a few relationships where the guy was somewhat of a loser and it wasn’t a loss in my eyes. This guy had a good career, responsible, loved his kids, lots of friends etc. That makes it feel even worse sometimes. One thing that bothers me is I’m always thinking “this guy broke my heart but he’ll probably marry the next girl”. Like I wasn’t good enough. Maybe I was too nice, didn’t keep him on his toes, I wasn’t a challenge like another girl would be. Does anyone else think like this?? I’ve dated a few guys that didn’t treat me well but then moved on to serious relationships and I’m like why didn’t he feel that way about me? Just some of my thoughts..any opinions or comments are welcome.
First, he’s a loser anyway,just one with a good job that’s all. Most losers are, and they are so terribly successful on the outside. Loving the attention and the ego strokes too. But yes I admit it’s hard to actually get over the public image thing because as much as we don’t care,we sort of do for a while.. It will pass when your true self will appear again. Your own true self,to yourself that is. And then all external things will not matter.
As for the “they moved on to marry the next one” I have sort of been there twice,but somehow it doesn’t matter now anymore because I feel I can see things clearly – or at least a bit more clearly. One had issues that I’m sure are not sorted, and even if they are..then good on him as he was not a complete bad guy plus we were very young so who knows maybe he’s changed. In my experience, most people with serious mood problems don’t..they just fall deeper. Plus the more you distance yourself from the situation,the more you realise it wasn’t right for you either. Better to have not stopped al that one no matter how much I thought I loved him. The next one..again,I think he’s got troubles of his own in his life, perhaps the same,plus other things that were truly incompatible with us. Yes from the outside most exes sometimes look like they have it all but if you look closer..many things don’t change really. They just find someone else to put up with things that you could not. Thing is we must suffer first,then realise it’s supposed to be like that.. We aren’t supposed to be with people who really don’t …truly appreciate and want us. It’s strange how we only gain a better perspective when we’re quite far… When maybe things don’t even matter anymore 😀 wish we could all step years into the future sometimes, to see how we are ok 🙂 and good enough. It’s just that most times, especially when dealing with real clowns, they’re the ones who are not good enough for us -they just simply find another victim and look like a perfect couple. Try to remember that if it helps, and then again like you mentioned too…the opinion of them changes and then you see who you were actually dealing with
Natalie this post is almost identical to my recent relationship. I met my now ex boyfriend of 1.5 years four months after my marriage broke down. When I met him I really wasn’t ready for a relationship but he was adamant that I was the girl for him and he would do anything for us to be together. Although I wasn’t mentally in the right place for a relationship I thought I would give this guy a chance as he was clearly very into me and was prepared to be with me through hard times. For the first year of our relationship he was near on the perfect boyfriend. He would compliment me, always look forward to seeing me, was generous and put me at the top of his list. Six months into the relationship I fell deeply in love with him and was so happy that I had made the decision to stick it out with him.
Around a year into our relationship we decided that the next step would be to buy a house together. He had planned to buy a house on his own, but decided that actually he would like us to buy together…That’s when it all changed:( After we had put an offer in on a house we went on holiday. On this holiday he was very distant (physically & emotionally), argumentative and picked fault with me (appearance & personality). He decided on holiday that he no longer wanted to buy a house with me and would buy on his own.
When we got home things just got worse, for the next 6 months he barely took any interest in me, he would take hours to text back (even though he had been on social media), continued to find fault in me, always made me feel like seeing me was a massive effort and he had better things to do and he was selfish in the bedroom. I was definitely no longer at the top of his list. In this 6 month period I tried so hard to make things work and tried to get back the boyfriend I fell in love with, but I was so miserable because I was not receiving any love in return.
When he moved into his house he didn’t even want me to live with him. We are in our late 20’s so not overly young and you would think that moving in together would be the next step of progression…but not for him. The thought of it freaked him out.
He has never really had an adult relationship, he was single for years before he met me. His parents were divorced so for him marriage didn’t mean much (although for the first year of our relationship he talked about our future together – including getting married) In the last 6 months I have found that he has a lot of bad points – Selfish, controlling, extremely materialistic, self absorbed, uncaring to name a few (but I still loved him regardless) He went from telling me how beautiful I complimenting himself and saying how handsome he was – no joke!
Even though I wanted our relationship to work he had pushed me to my breaking point by constantly being so distant. Now our relationship is over I have been left confused about what went wrong – When my marriage broke down I knew why but this relationship has me a bit baffled. Part of me thinks that he just isn’t ready for commitment (and may never be) he likes to do what he want’s when he wants and you can’t be that inconsiderate in a relationship, there has to be compromise. As he had been single for so long before he met me maybe he thought he was ready for a relationship, but it turned out that he wasn’t. But on the other hand I think what if it is just me, what did I do wrong? Does he not find me attractive anymore? He was so in love with me and then just decided one day that he wasn’t.
I am now in NC. Not with the expectation that he will come back, because I know he won’t. He is enjoying the single life. Even though I have been unhappy for the last 6 months I am finding it very hard to get over him. I am looking back with rose tinted glasses remembering how great he was in the first year – but maybe that wasn’t really who he was… Maybe he showed his true colors in the last 6 months.
As he treated me badly I am sure that in the future I will look back and realise that I had a lucky escape (all of my friends, family and work colleagues have all said that I am better off without him and that he would have only continued to get worse with time) I just wish I could see that now 🙁 At the moment I can’t help but think about what he’s up to and wondering whether he is already talking to other girls. I know it takes time to get over a relationship. I am trying to get myself through it by telling myself that I have done it before and survived. As they say time is a healer.
Thank you for you BR articles they are helping 🙂
Natalie,
I’ve looked at this website over the course of months and have found your articles helpful.
I am stuck and feel as though I am unable to move on from my ex. Everyone (and I mean everyone who knows who he is, his ex and the situation) has told me he is too immature, he isn’t good for me, he doesn’t respect me – and his actions over the course of time has proven that. I KNOW in my head that he isn’t right for me. But a very stubborn, egoistic, part of me doesn’t want to let go. Maybe my ego is very bruised.
Thanks Ro..yeah I know what you mean. When I met him, he had a seemingly low self esteem due to a divorce. I think I was somewhat of an ego boost for him until he found someone better (in his eyes). He was a bit younger than me too so I guess I saw it coming…that’s where I should’ve used my brain not my heart. As far as my ex’s I’ve seen some of them get married or in another relationship and it stings a little. Then again I don’t know what’s going in that relationship. Maybe it’s just a new victim or maybe they were in a different mindset with me who knows. Besides, relationships are “perfect” on Facebook. My ex left for someone else, didn’t keep his word and that’s all that matters. It’s too bad love is blind and it takes distance to see the persons true colors. I’m still struggling with anger towards him and hurt feelings and it’s too late to say anything now. Oh well.
It’s been 4 years since my breakup and I still think about him at times, even though he’s now married. But what I think about is ‘what if things had been different and we could’ve worked it out’, so it’s not reality. To remind myself of how things really were, I keep a list of what was wrong with the relationship and that does the trick. I can fantasize all I want, but the truth is that our relationship did not work and that list spells it out in black and white. Write that list for yourself — it helps!
Hi Natalie,
I’ve been reading your blog off and on for a good few months now. When I first came across it it was like someone explaining my own relationship to me! But as much as it all made sense in theory, I just couldn’t apply it in practice. It was like there were two worlds…the Real World where I could see things as they really were, and the world controlled by Him, where I was blinkered and all the things which were clearly wrong with the relationship got pushed to the peripheries, and I was manipulated into thinking that it was my anxiety issues which were causing all the problems, and if only I could be more relaxed about everything then maybe it would all be OK.
Those two worlds at first seemed like such separate places that I couldn’t even begin to deal with it. But gradually, the Real World began to take the place of His world, until it was all I could see. So, after 2 and a half years together, a month ago I broke it off. There were so many reasons. He was non-committal, hot and cold to extremes, self-centered, shady, and through what I can now see as manipulation on his part and a lack of self-love and self-respect on mine, he made me make excuses for all these things. Worst of all, he broke my trust, by breaking a prior arrangement which meant a great deal to me, and instead doing questionable things with someone else.
I went three weeks with no contact, but a week or so ago he started making contact again, saying he’d been thinking about it a lot, and wanted to change and give it another try. I fell for it, and we spent the night together. Since then he’s hardly been in touch. He got what he wanted and I feel like a fool – I’ve found out he’s been active every day on online dating whilst saying all this stuff to me. But, like you said in one of your posts, I think I needed to get burnt to be reminded. I just hope I can be stronger this time. I think reading your blog made me connect with the Real World much more quickly than I would have done otherwise, so thank you. I don’t think he’s an all-bad person, and I don’t actually think that he’s even aware of his actions a lot of the time! But I’m gradually coming to realise that I can’t change him, only my reactions. Hopefully I’ll stay strong from now on.
P.S. I totally agree with Alix above about the list – I read through my list too at moments when I need to check in with the Real World again.
Hi, Natalie
I am going through a hard breakup here, reading your article makes me feel strong, but I am always weak as he always said to me as well.
My ex and I met in the workplace, I know he was married at the beginning, but he told me he was separated already, and how silly I am, I trusted him. Plus he can really move out from home and lived with me, so I invested my feeling a lot in this relationship, we went to work everyday, see each other almost every minute everyday, we have the best two months ever, just happiness, no argument at all!
But one day, he just called me when I was on holiday with my fd, and his wife is also participated in the call, he said he had to go back to his wife and he realized he still love her, all the things he told me was a lie that he completely done with his wife, they have no feeling to each other, all the things happened so suddenly, I can’t even react, I was so angry.
After I returned from holiday, he told me he had to call me that night in front of his wife to make his wife trust him really go back for real, but he actually went back for helping her financially, and I am so stupid to trust him again. He asked me to wait till the end of this year, after getting through the crisis of his wife, he will completely divorce her, and we are looking for a flat for ourselves already.
But everyone can predict the result, he called again, with his wife again, said he still love his wife, this time is for real, he will never hurt me again, never see me never contact me anymore, I was so devastated, how can he betrayed my trust again, how can he still played me as a joke, and the thing is his wife finally divorce him already because of these two times, but he said he will try his best to fix his marriage. It hurts me when his marriage is not working at the end, he still not choose me, I know I should not be a choice, but it hurts my ego, am I that bad that he wouldn’t want to be with me even he already lose his wife?
I really want to move on, I did, but I m in pain, so painful I don’t know how to shake it off. I keep thinking back what he good memory we have in the past, what all the good stuff he did for me, how well he took care of me, how can all of them are lies, how can he did everything just to lie to me, he told me he did want to stay with me, but I just can’t make him love me, so he chooses to be back wth his wife, the love of his life, I asked if you love her that much, how can you cheated on her, he has no answer for that. I know I shouldn’t care all of that anymore, I won’t get all the answers, but it is really hard for me to not think. The only thing I do is keep reading your articles everyday, hope can give me strength to move on and let go.
Alex