A few days ago someone asked me, how am I supposed to trust him again?
I’ve come across many people who profess to love someone and are super keen to stay in the relationship but they can’t trust that person. The trouble is that trust is fundamental to every relationship and when everything is derived from the distrust, even if you don’t realise this, you will both create your dynamic around the distrust and behave accordingly.
I have people say to me:
I’ve had so many sh*tty things happen to me so of course I don’t trust guys. {If you don’t trust, what are you doing dating?}
I don’t trust myself to make the right decisions. {If you can’t trust you, who the hell can you trust and how do you know if what you’re doing is right or wrong for you? Who are you waiting for to tell you?]
I trust them and then they screw it up. {This is why you have to choose better partners because relationship insanity is choosing the same type of people and expecting different results}
Surely they just need to see that someone believes in them and they’ll start being capable of being trusted. {You’re not picking up a stray dog and giving it a home! You can believe all you want but if there is no foundation and the person isn’t on board with the relationship, your belief is misplaced.]
Trust is about having faith in other people’s actions.
Trust in relationships isn’t just about having faith in their actions, but also in yours. If you don’t feel like you can use your gut, judgement and instincts, you won’t trust yourself, so you’ll place the responsibility for what does and doesn’t happen on the other person and resist making a judgement and taking action.
If you carry distrust with you into relationships, you’re assuming that if the person is halfway decent they’ll earn your trust.
However, lack of trust has negative beliefs attached to it, so you’re likely to attract people that reflect those beliefs rather than challenge them. Even if you do meet someone half decent, you won’t trust yourself or them and kill the relationship with distrust.
Yep…that ‘ole self-fulfilling prophecy. Lack of trust tends to beget untrustworthiness. That, or the other person feels that they can’t trust you or that their efforts will be better received elsewhere.
I’ll be real; it’s really bloody exhausting to be around someone who is distrustful especially when it’s going on in their head and tied to previous events and people. At first, you’ll be sympathetic and do everything to ease their concerns and show how different you are, but after a while it starts to grate because you can’t actually get on with enjoying the relationship and at least be judged on your own merit. At some point it’s like, enough already! I know because I’ve been the distrusting person and been around the person that never trusts.
You can’t really let go and enjoy yourself when you’re wondering when the next eff up is going to happen or when they’re going to show their real selves.
For the person on the receiving end, you’re not even seeing them – you’re seeing your fears.
Sometimes you’ll be right to be cautious but sometimes you’re making their life difficult because of previous experiences that you haven’t resolved and made peace with.
While we all have baggage, it’s best to go into relationships either with hand baggage, or your 30kg worth that’s on its way to shrinking.
The idea is that in being in a relationship with good foundations and love, trust, care and respect, some of your load shrinks to reflect a you that’s made peace with these issues.
The reality is that you need to have faith in yourself, faith in love and relationships, and the ability to distinguish between healthy situations and negative ones. You’ll generally know that something isn’t right for you because you don’t feel good.
At the end of the day, the fact that you get trapped in your feelings, indecision, and inaction feeds into the distrust you feel.
I am often asked by readers I correspond with/coach, “How do I learn to trust myself?”
By making decisions and standing by them and of course, by having boundaries.
If you have boundaries and you make a decision based on the fact that your boundaries are being crossed and disrespected, you know that the decision you made is right because their behaviour is unacceptable for the relationship.
Instead of flip flapping and being reactive to every thought and feeling that passes through you, be considered and think about things in the wider context.
Yes you may feel lonely/horny/missing him and yada, yada, yada, but then you can counterbalance it by getting real.
Yes, I do feel lonely but I’ve been so focused on him that I’ve forgotten what I need to do enjoy my own space and life. I was lonely with him anyway and I don’t like feeling that way.
Yes, I am horny but the moment that the sex is over, I’m going to feel like sh*t. I know this because I have been down this road many times and built up my hopes only to be disappointed. It will just be sex and I will want more, and he can’t give me more. I think I’d rather be horny for a few hours or even days, than disappointed and hurt for an extended period of time.
I do miss him but actually, I’m not sure what I miss because the reality of him is not that great. I miss what I thought we were and what I thought we could be, but I couldn’t and cannot stomach who we actually were.
The reality is that you need to go into relationships with a reasonable level of trust and either increase or roll back accordingly.
When we run around after Mr Unavailables and assclowns, the trap is that we don’t adjust our relationship TV sets to the reality frequency.
We either go in full of distrust, have that distrust proved, but keep trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and project our love on them and miraculously expect them to change – I love you anyway so you should not only love me too but automatically change your behaviour.
Or, we start off with a clean slate each time, but still picking the same kind of guys and expecting a different relationship, failing to connect the type of relationships with the type of man to the type of relationship pattern that we have – I don’t really trust that much but these are the types of guy that I’m attracted to and surely I’ll get it right at some point?
If you keep it real, you can trust, even when it means you have to make uncomfortable decisions.
Not making a decision means that you will be uncomfortable living off the illusion that somehow or other, the other person will do whatever is needed.
One reader said to me recently, “Natalie, at first when I told guys to go away because they couldn’t give me what I want, it hurt! But a few months on, I am so much more confident because every single last one of these guys, from the ones that approached me online to the ones I met at functions, turned out to be exactly the type of guy I need to stay away from. In the past, I’d have been involved with these men and losing my mind! Suddenly, I feel confident that even though I haven’t met anyone, in time I will and actually, I prefer being on my own than being in a world of pain with an assclown.”
Make decisions and trust yourself and confidence will follow. You won’t be waxing lyrical wondering what happened to the separated guy online that you had to say no to because he was dating several women while also trying to go back to his wife. You either won’t be thinking about him, or if you do, you’ll realise what a lucky escape you made.
Maybe you could be the woman to change him, but it’s time to trust that if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it’s better to trust yourself and know that it is highly unlikely.
Your thoughts?
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“Maybe you could be the woman to change him . . .”
Love the article, but this is DANGEROUS comment.
Good Monday morning to you NML,
You say exactly what needs to be said to help people grow, see, change their perspectives to more effective viewpoints, and heal.
It does ALL start from within. It really is amazing how important it is to learn how to be come trustworhty youself in every sense of the word – not just in how you treat others, but in being able to trust yourself, your decisions and your choices.
It isn’t up to someone else. It’s up to ourselves — and once you reach that poiint of knowing and responding, you never live with the pain you lived with before, ever. You no longer abdicate your power.
VERY important points to know that you wrote about…
@Kathy The full quote in context is “Maybe you could be the woman to change him, but it’s time to trust that if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it’s better to trust yourself and know that it is highly unlikely.” I’m certainly not saying ‘Maybe you can change him’ as this would be completely out of sync with every other article I’ve ever written, hence why I said it was “highly unlikely”.
@Loving Annie Good morning to you! You’re absolutely right. This is something that you have to take control of. Own your own trust. We can’t give away our power and then wonder why we are powerless to make a decision. At the end of the day, not doing anything for fear of trusting in either direction is still a decision.
Your words are healing..thank you. I’ve lost confidence and this is really helping to build my personal trust again. I feel in sync with your posts, a process of healing and getting stronger in myself through you and the wonderful women on this site.
Great post. I think a lot of people’s issues with trust stem from not reading red flags properly and having “blind trust” in earlier relationships. Getting burned by such behavior then spills over to your next relationship if you continue picking the same type of people to date.
Or, if you continue to think “they must have the same good intentions I have or feel the same way I do”, without receiving any solid affirmation that this is the case through your boyfriend’s actions.
It’s a simple and old saying – but people need to “earn each others’ trust”. If you are going to date or associate with someone and be romantic, then guard yourself. Don’t be too stingy – if someone acts in a trustworthy manner towards you and their actions indicate their intentions are good – trust them. However, if your gut says something is off, that this is only casual, he’s not interested in a serious relationship, (and you DO want a serious relationship) then don’t give him the amount of trust and that part of yourself that you would normally give to someone when in a serious relationship!
As usual, I can relate to this. I think I knew from the first that he didnt trust women, but I was hell-bent to prove that I was different! That I was the one who could change him! … Now I know better and I have to keep telling myself that his recent claim that he now wants a gf (because I never was – for three years) doesnt hold water.
The following lines are what he said to me a couple months ago in a tift. Does he sound like someone who will trust ANY woman? No way …
“We have the relationship that we do because I don’t wanna go through all that emotional shit all the time and the arguements … Dealing with a person brings a fair amount regardless, having a woman lay claim on you brings a rediculous amount of that crap …And I’m not gonna have it.”
I have been criticized for being “judgemental.” I don’t make what is considered snap judgements but I am presently old enough and have been burnt enough in my life to take care not to step into a trap with say, a warm/cold person, a game player, an insincere individual, lier, etc. so I will “judge” or make a decision about that person. Thus, I may sometimes see in black and white and ignore the greys. Am I wrong?
Thanks NML, trust is the basis of every relationship and when its broken its very very hard to come back from. My AC cheated on me and when I found out he said it had only been going on for a few weeks when in reality it was 3 months. Cheating was bad enough but to find out he’d lied for that many months was even worse. It was a double kick in the stomach. 38 days with NC !!!!! This site and all the ladies on it give me so much support. THANK YOU – THANK YOU – THANK YOU
Thank you, this was just what I needed to hear! I once spent four years with an AC and this year dumped one after six weeks. I was upset, as I so longed for it to work out, but I know that my radar is on the mend precisely because I didn’t spend four years with him when I so easily could have. Your article is empowering, and my judgement was right! Should there be a next time I hope to get the time between thinking he’s a great guy to recognising he’s an AC from six weeks down to less.
18 days NC!!! I am so excited! He used to creep into my dreams but that hasn’t happened the last few days. I just keep busy doing esteemable things that make me feel good about myself (i.e painting my toes, reading, long relaxing baths, sharing with close friends etc.). The point made about trusting oneself is so vital. I think as long as my self esteem was low I was holding other people responsible for my happiness and when they failed- I no longer trusted them. The truth is I didn’t trust myself to bring good healthy people into my life. I didn’t even know what healthy people looked like. It has taken me some time to trust myself and the way I did/do it is to stay out of denial and stop lying to myself about who these men were. Therefore, I could no longer knowingly believe lies or disregard the times when I have been blatantly disrespected. I had to determine what my boundaries were(e.i. no lying, cheating, abuse, etc) and the hard part which is enforcing them. I also had to decide what my needs are in a relationship. I need honestly, trust, respect and care. I was so unavailable and got so tired of not having a true connection with a man that I made myself sick. I trust myself today to make the decisions that will serve in my best interest even it it hurts (i.e letting him go,). I feel good everynight that I go to bed knowing that I did not contact him. He made an attempt with a text 4 days ago but I totally ignored it. Come hard or Stay Home!!
It hurts that I can’t be with him, but honestly, it hurt while I was with him sometimes. I would rather hurt any day without him than with him.
This site is AWESOME and I am so grateful that as women we are starting to learn to love ourselves and put us first.
Warm Wishes,
Wild~~Thing
Natalie,
I have been thinking this line over:
“Trust is about having faith in other people’s actions.”
and I realized I disagree. I believe Trust is having faith that you will be OKAY, if the other person’s actions “fail” you – and learning not to engage with that person again if they do fail you.
It should always come back to Self.
Yep! The relationship that nearly killed me – was built on a house of cards – that is, I lost trust in him early on b/c of his repeated untrustworthy actions! Yet, I stayed, bitched and moaned, yet stayed and he never changed – only superficially anyway.
I have learned that in the beginning of getting to know someone when they show you that they are untrustworthy – take them up on it don’t look the other way. Case and point, in my post break up madness I met a guy who was flaky from the get go, he said one thing and did the other. Here, we are a year later and he just sent me an email announcing he would be calling me on the weekend, this after a year off disappearing, lying, and other stupid things – my response to his email was nothing – and guess what he never did call – true to form. I wouldn’t even open the door to his foolishness, he only tried again b/c I had let him get away with it by “being nice” after he pulled his bullshit. He knows better now!
Blaise, the line..
‘Truth is about having faith in other people’s actions’, does come back to you. YOU have to have faith in other people’s actions… if you don’t, then listen to your gut, something is wrong. If it feels bad it is bad. Some people aren’t OK Blaise, thats the point, if you are then you are further ahead than others. We have to recognize when we feel ok and when we don’t and what this means to us, to own it and to allow pure feeling to correspond and put us a state of actions, if we are in trouble, how the hell do we get out… know when to stay and fight and know when to leave. Personally this is what helps me the most here. There are people in our lives, who don’t care if we can see truth or lies, or is we are ok or not as long as THEY are getting what they want. Time for us to trun that around and make sure WE are getting what we want, if not, we have to run as if our hair were on fire from get go, not after he has begged us to have faith in him..to give him a second third or fourth chance. To read the damn writing on the wall before it bites you in the ass and know YOU are worth more to YOU than he is.
excuse the rant
De
I think Blasie and De are reading two very important interps into the same line. It is pretty easy to write something and have people read it in a different way than you intended. But, it often continues the dialogue and my thoughts in different directions and I like that. So …
“Trust is about having faith in other people’s actions.â€
I agree with what I think Blaise is saying…that you always must maintain faith in yourself, faith in your ability to be competent and hold it together when things get rough, faith and trust, (especially when you are hurting) that you are a survivor and faith that you do not not need someone else to “believe in you” as a reason to feel good.
OK, and then maybe along comes the true test of this faith… Mr Super Sneaky Snarky Arseclown…..
This is where De interprets the line to mean have faith in what you see behind the well rehearsed smokescreen – when you get a glimpse that a person is not so good. Have faith that what you are seeing then is the truth…( it was so hard for me to believe someone could be such an arseclown.) Don’t put on those rose colored glasses and be fooled. Have faith in your gut and listen that your gut is telling you the situation is BS, he is a loser, and that you should split or risk becoming a loser like him too.
Have faith that your gut is telling you to get out and NOT to turn the other cheek, be so kind that you hurt yourself, be too ” loving” – as many of us have been programmed to do.
Smiling and seeing Lisa Simpson doing the ” Loser” thing on her forehead now :-)))
I loved what de-lightedtobefree said “There are people in our lives, who don’t care if we can see truth or lies, or if we are ok or not as long as THEY are getting what they want.” I know from experience that was what was happening in my case. BUT I do see his lies now and I really don’t care if he’s getting what he wants out of life or not anymore. I had faith and trust in him and that was shattered by his lies and deceit.
I refuse to be anyone’s victim and I refuse to let anyone diminish my faith in myself ever again. I’m going to always listen to my gut and not wear the rosecolored glasses aphrogirl talked about in her post. For me I let my love and trust in him color my better judgement but I’m trying not to be to hard on myself, easier said than done though.
de-lightedtobefree – Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. Hell we all make mistakes. If you can start to feel trusting within yourself, you’ll have better awareness of who you do and don’t want to be around.
Ashley – Spot on. This is why illusions are dangerous because we’re putting faith and trust in something that doesn’t exist. If we register red flags and have boundaries, you are automatically aware of where you can and cannot direct your trust.
Annied – I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but this guy is an assclown. He’s deluded and that’s because he takes no responsibility for where he’s at. He’s the type that describes women who expect a modicum of decency from their men as psychos. He’s in a fantasy world and the moment that he realises that all relationships require certain key things and that he must be expected from, the novelty will wear off. You have to stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Phyllis – I used to be accused of being too harsh. Friends say stuff like that because they project their own relationship values and behaviour on you. If you are taking the time to decide if you can trust them and are making evidence based decisions – noting red flags, discomfort etc, then you have to be confident in your decision to be cautious about someone. If your fears are internal fears and not based, per se, on the person, then I would question whether you are being fair in your judgements.
MaryC – Cheating is bad enough but dripfeeding the truth is shoddy. Steer clear of people that feed you the truth in dribs and drabs because there are more untruths to come.
Leela – You must have confidence in your decision – If you know someone has behaved in an unacceptable way and that you cannot get the relationship you desire, you made the right choice. Actions speak louder than words. Relationships take work but not the type where you need to force the other person on board or do all the feeling for the two of you.
Wild Thing – That’s the key. You must act in your best interests and sometimes that means making uncomfortable decisions where your heart hasn’t caught up with the reality. You will get through this and beyond -stay focused on you and keep it real.
Blaise, De and Aphrogirl. “Trust is about having faith in other people’s actions. Trust in relationships isn’t just about having faith in their actions, but also in yours. If you don’t feel like you can use your gut, judgement and instincts, you won’t trust yourself, so you’ll place the responsibility for what does and doesn’t happen on the other person and resist making a judgement and taking action.”
I agree with you. When I said that it was also about having faith in your actions, that’s your actions period. That’s having faith that whatever you do or you don’t do, you’re OK. That’s tied to unconditional love – no matter what is taking place around you, you still love you. It shouldn’t be a case of, something sh*t happens and you decide that it is a reflection on you and decide that you don’t love you as a result. – see my previous post on unconditional love.
And yes Aphrogirl, it is interesting that on this post, on a couple of occasions certain lines were homed in. This is actually something though that we will have found ourselves doing in our relationships.
Cece – Anytime someone displays their untrustworthiness, I agree that you should take it as you see it. Don’t turn it into something else or pretend it doesn’t exist.
MaryC – “I refuse to be anyone’s victim and I refuse to let anyone diminish my faith in myself ever again. I’m going to always listen to my gut and not wear the rosecolored glasses aphrogirl talked about in her post.” Amen! Repeat it to yourself often!
“Yes, I am horny but the moment that the sex is over, I’m going to feel like sh*t. I know this because I have been down this road many times and built up my hopes only to be disappointed. It will just be sex and I will want more, and he can’t give me more. I think I’d rather be horny for a few hours or even days, than disappointed and hurt for an extended period of time.”
What a coincidence. An ex has offered that, stating that he’ll fly me to see him. His words and actions don’t match.
Needless to say, I’m not going. My friends think I should, but I don’t accept crumbs. I want the full loaf of bread, dammit. 😐
“…I was lonely with him anyway and I don’t like feeling that way…”
I so agree with this, NML, as with everything else in the article.
I recently had no choice but to be around The Player again and to listen to him expounding about himself and playing the wonderful Mr Lean On Me to someone who is very, very vulnerable at the moment…
And, dammit, I almost fell for his Clap-trap again – until I remembered how often I wondered back then, “Is it this one he’s going after now?”; “Is it her?”; “Or her?” Even the widow of a very dear, mutual friend… “Is it her?”.
He cannot be trusted with anyone – or anything, either, it seems, seeing how he took over and somehow ended up starring centre-stage in our friend’s FUNERAL!!!! Even side-lining the widow and having her Thank Him every step of the way!!!! When does their lack of Trustworthiness ever get to show to all on-lookers?
Well, never mind: it shows to me now, and that has to be enough for the time being.
Best Regards, Leonine
I recently read the book “Men Who Cant Love” about the DISEASE of commitment phobia. It is a real disease apparently, not a silly excuse. SO, my question for NML, are assclowns and EUs just a type of commitment phobia??? They have so many of the same symptoms…