Recently I got chatting with someone who ended up telling me how devastated she was by a relationship that hadn’t worked out. She’d pinned her hopes on a very wounded Mr Unavailable who had enough baggage to fill up several airport terminals, but she’d thought things would be different with her because she saw past his problems, saw potential, and wanted a loving relationship with him.
And therein lies the problem.
When someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship, or they have limited access to their emotions, or they’re terrified of intimacy and get clammy at the thought of commitment, it doesn’t matter if your love comes in a platinum case with a bow on it promising the sun, moon, and stars – they don’t want it. Or they only want it on their terms. They can’t and won’t ‘appreciate’ what is on offer. It doesn’t matter that it’s you and your love – you could be anyone and until they resolve their issues, you will not extract a loving relationship from them. And really – why should you have to do the equivalent of pulling teeth or dragging a horse kicking and screaming to water?
You may see past their problems and feel that you love them in spite of them and you may see yourself as all loving and giving, but how you see you isn’t how they see you.
No matter what you say or do, they perceive you, by the very fact that you’re either in a relationship with them, or hankering for one, that you want, need, or expect more than they’re prepared to be wanted, needed, and expected from.
Even if you claim that you don’t or they see that you’re not now, they may very well draw the conclusion that you will expect in the future, not least because they have danced this dance many times before.
Saying that you love or care about someone or that you want a relationship creates expectations both spoken and assumed.
If you’ve been with a Mr (or Miss) Unavailable, you won’t be the first person that has ever felt something for them.
You may think that because you feel like you like them so much that it cancels out any problems.
You may also still be working under the assumption that is them that is crazy about you and be so enamoured by their interest that you’ll block out any potential issues.
It’s important to note that when we express sentiments like ‘I can’t believe they don’t want my love’ you have to be real with yourself and recognise where the disbelief comes from, because more often than not when these words are uttered, it’s because they’re attached to someone who you’re punching below your weight with. You could do better, but you’re not, and instead you’re gambling on trying to get love from a limited person because not only will you feel more loved and because it has come from a troubled, struggling source making it infinitely more worthwhile, but trying to get them to love you is not as scary or difficult a prospect as really putting yourself out there.
Every day I witness people expend copious amounts of energy ‘running on the spot’ by investing themselves and their emotions into limited relationships with people that have a limited ability and capacity for love, which in turn creates a limited result.
We choose people that reflect the negative things that we believe about love, relationships, and ourselves and if those beliefs are not too healthy, we’ll choose unhealthy partnerings because we think that some of these ‘flawed’ people will be more receptive to our love. Our contribution may even look bigger beside these people whereas we wouldn’t be so confident about our contribution with a healthier partner.
That’s not to say that someone not wanting a relationship or turning you down makes them unhealthy but it’s when you get stuck in pursuing them for love and validation or they continue to hang around in spite of their lack of interest or commitment so that they can enjoy the fringe benefits of your interests that is unhealthy.
Remember, as I’ve said many times before, love and interest don’t come with an IOU, so the fact that you feel something for someone doesn’t create automatic reciprocation. We can’t demand love and interest from people as not only is it emotionally demanding and a potential way of removing your dignity, but you’ll alienate them. The worst of them will just take advantage of the situation and use you up. The better of them may try to let you down gently and if you won’t take no for an answer, cut contact with you.
You don’t want to be the equivalent of that pushy used car salesman that doesn’t know when to back off. It doesn’t translate well to relationships.
If you ‘see past’ someone’s problems you could be opening yourself up to a world of pain as you may be in denial about very real factors that have the potential to impact on the success and healthiness of your relationship. You cannot deny the problems in a love conquers all manner – this is not a rom com or a chick lit book. Real life means that a problem ignored will come back to bite you in the arse.
If they can’t see past their problems and insecurities, what is the point in you doing it? You can’t do all the loving, security, responsibility, accountability, trusting, caring, and respecting in the relationship.
They don’t have to want your love. This is not a car boot/yard sale where you think ‘It’s going cheap! Someone should want it!’
The moment that they don’t want you – you need to be asking yourself why you’re still wanting them. Period. It doesn’t mean you switch off your feelings automatically but you should be coming back to earth with a very loud, resounding bump.
Alarm bells should be ringing! If they’re not my alarm bells are ringing for you!
You want to give away your love that badly? Give it to a responsible person who will cherish it and handle it with care, and more importantly, be a responsible owner instead of running up and down the street offering it out to anyone who resonates with your pattern that’s willing to give you the time of day. You deserve better so don’t burn your energies up pushing, or even forcing your love upon people because you’re degrading it and not conveying the right message about you or your love.
More importantly, don’t treat your love like a hot potato that you can’t wait to offload and certainly don’t put your life on hold because you’re stuck ‘loving’ someone that doesn’t love you. Their lack of interest is a red flag – use it to extricate yourself out of what will become an even more painful situation if you don’t back off. There is better out there for you – believe it.
Your thoughts?
If you’d like some help with working out your beliefs, check out my free workbook, Get Out of Stuck. Also check out my ebooks Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and others at my bookshop.
Add to favorites
NML,
You’re so wise beyond your age. 🙂
My last EUM was so damaged, he couldn’t see the wonderful person that I am. However, I know who I am and I recognized his baggage and how I was under-appreciated. I left. I couldn’t help him. As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, the alcoholic must first recognize that they have a problem before they can help “themselves”. Nobody else can do it for them and I applied that idea to my last EUM… he must help himself.
I also think that a lot of people who question themselves why a person doesn’t want their love also has self-esteem issues. I was there once, pinning on a guy who had “potential”. No more, I no longer bet on potential. Either he has it or not, period.
Life is too short and I no longer want to waste it on anybody who doesn’t see things as I do when it comes to relationships.
Thank you again.
Sincerely,
Shelly
DITTO!!!!!!! Been there – done that. Nothing good came of that. Fixing someone else does not make YOU a better person. What’s worse is when you don’t find out until later they really don’t have an interest other than what they can get out of you – money sex etc. they are just future faking and really good at it. OUCH! That stings. To find out later that they were in fact USING you not loving you – slams your heart hard and sends your mind spinning. Then the whys come – why didn’t I see that coming – why did I put up with this that. Alot like a AA saying about the frog in a pot of water. Put a frog in a boiling pot of water and it will jump out right away. Put a frog in a pot of water and slowly raise the heat they won’t jump out – they get used to it gradually. Eventually and hopefully you come to conclusion that its not necessarily you – its their issue. Don;t take it personally. Your issue is why you fall prey to these predators – that’s where the focus needs to be.
“They can’t and won’t ‘appreciate’ what is on offer. It doesn’t matter that it’s you and your love – you could be anyone and until they resolve their issues” Love this Nat – so very true.
The truth of the matter is that I had so many problems, that I excused others, I would want them to give me a chance – hey we’re all human and have baggage, right? Wrong. Not everyone does the work they need to do to work thru their problems & baggage and grow. The difference is I went out (and still do) and did the work to get thru the “problems”.
This week, I keep remembering when my AC told me I had too much baggage and I bought it. We both came from alcoholic families, both alcoholics/addicts, relationship issues, blah blah blah. Difference is I was sober 22 yrs, he was drinking everyday. I did the childhood issues work thru numerous avenues for many years, he did not – does not even see his son. I even did numerous groups and therapy while with him for the loss of my mother. Which I am VERY proud of myself for doing!
I cannot fix anyone, my love CANNOT “fix” anyone (their’s won’t fix me either) and what made me ever think he could love me more than his son. I never expected it – but why did I think he would show up for me when he couldn’t even show up for his son.
I got lost in the “fantasy” and held on for dear life when my mother died. Crumbs were better than nothing – right? WRONG! Another painful lesson.
Thanks Nat and everyone – still more work to do on me!
Wow, this really resonated. Especially this line: If they can’t see past their problems and insecurities, what is the point in you doing it?
Fortunately, I only spent three and half months with one of these guys. He said he was crazy about me, blah, blah, blah, but then he backed off suddenly and it was done. I’m still baffled at how he spent 4.5 years and 2 years in previous relationships. How the hell is that possible? Because as things turned bad, I wouldn’t have lasted another second. Or maybe he realized I wouldn’t put up with it? It also amazes me how he can’t see why he really retreated. But like you said above: “If they can’t see past their problems and insecurities, what is the point in you doing it?”
These are not easy words to hear in this article but very very true, this article rings true for me and my recent separation from an EUM. The fact is I do still have feelings for him, whether its love, affection or both. The fact that he will not make the changes within himself to contribute to the relationship in a healthy way is an important sign I keep reminding myself daily, as to why I am not with him anymore.
I’m so sick and tired of meeting the EUM who use every excuse to not commit or act like the ultimate victim in life before they are ready to begin to contribute to a healthy relationship, in reality if you wait on their excuses you’ll be waiting forever.
Meanwhile you soon realize everything in your life is putting on PAUSE
only to cater to their self serving mentality.
For me I know the pattern of these relationships were a result of having an Emotional Unavailable Father, if you don’t open your eyes wide in life and get clear about what you truly want and need in a partner, you get what comes to you by default e.g. EUM.
I think it also takes getting angry enough with the bad unhealthy relationship patterns to really change things in oneself and then the real mates with potential begin to appear.
“For me I know the pattern of these relationships were a result of having an Emotional Unavailable Father, if you don’t open your eyes wide in life and get clear about what you truly want and need in a partner, you get what comes to you by default e.g. EUM.”
I definitely agree with this paragraph. When you feel like you deserve better and think about your own father, you think that he’s generally a good man. And if you reject someone like him that means you’re rejecting your father entirely. But that’s not true and it’s something I’ll need to work on.
Yes yes yes, I needed to be reminded of this today. I have been involved in a barely there relationship with a man for the last 6 months. We were only together a couple of weeks then he pulled the “lets just be friends, I can’t commit to a relationship” crap and I bought it. My bad. I got to the point where I figured a friendship is about 2 people not just one (being him) and my friends don’t try and shag me or have everything on their terms so last week I told him I couldn’t be his friend anymore and it was easier for me to just piss off out of it for a while. This was all done via text – lol if they want to have a text friendship then so will I. Well didn’t he snap his carrot? Too bad it’s my life and if he wants a casual shag and some company when he’s lonely, he can go find it somewhere else. Guess i let it go on way too long but in all fairness it was my first experience at EU and I’m 38 (doing ok I recken!!). Live and learn. Happy days ahead, no more headaches/heartaches for me, bugger off and leave me alone LOL. Loving this site, think these guys have so much behaviour in common. Beware the wolves dressed like cute little lambs 🙂
Good for you, Kirsten! eums are very reliant on texting especially when things are getting a bit too hot for them to handle. the friendship card just really annoys me. they just can’t let go.
Hi Natalie,
A girlfriend of mine directed me towards your blog a few months ago. At the time, I was in deep denial and I thought everything you wrote was a bit harsh. After (yet another) breakup, I began to really read and study your posts. My mind began to open up and process your words and I took a hard look at my relationship history and realized that since I was in my early 20s (I’m now 39) I have been dating EUMs almost exclusively. What an eye-opening, mind-blowing realization that was! I’m still processing it all (with a therapist) and although I’m still making the same mistakes, I’m making them less often as my self-worth improves.
Thank you for this post all for all of the My Unavailable posts. Before Baggage Reclaim, I thought I was all alone in my relationship insanity and I thought it was all my fault; that my childhood shaped me this way. Now I have hope.
My heartfelt thanks,
Jill
Coming to the realization that they just don’t want your love is a very hard pill to swallow. I found the last guy I was involved with to be quite a challenge because he had given me red flags and had even been up front with most of his feelings. He wasn’t a guy I could just write off as an AC and call it a day, I had a lot of responsibility on my plate.
I know where I got swept away: he was up front about being an EUM, he’s in his mid-twenties, with one past semi-relationship. I found the fact that he was so “in touch” with his limited emotions to be this amazing thing. I cringe at how much I adored this man. We shared a relationship that lasted over a year with him telling me that he didn’t believe in marriage and people only have children to fulfill their own ineptitudes (I know, red flag…big one).
He had a dark side, there was some verbal abuse (of course only when I “pushed him” and he had no choice but to display his emotions in vile language). – his words, not mine.
I basically thought that if I could get this guy to love me then that would really prove how amazing I was, he was such a challenge. After I got dumped on my butt I pursued and really humiliated myself with silly, painful and desperate attempts at getting back together. Some time has passed and though I am still tempted to be friends with him and/or try to support him I know it’s futile. I would still be seeking that validation and always hoping in the back of my mind that he would change and see me in a new light and realize ‘YES! She’s the one!.’ Fat chance.
If he wanted to be with me, thought I was this amazing creature that was one in a million and desired to be in a committed and responsible relationship….he would be. He clearly does not.
This does not have to mean the end of the world. It’s time to get busy with my life and stop trying to show him how amazing I am in hopes he will see it. It’s time to actually BE amazing and not worry if he’s looking or not.
To Holly Digit
“It’s time to get busy with my life and stop trying to show him how amazing I am in hopes he will see it. It’s time to actually BE amazing and not worry if he’s looking or not.”
That’s what I am into right now. Just start enjoying the rest of my life thinking this is the best part of my life and stop trying to change them or the past.
thanks
@Holy Digit,
I too struggle with the same issues you mentioned in your post. I just wanted to mention something in regard to what you said here:
“After I got dumped on my butt I pursued and really humiliated myself with silly, painful and desperate attempts at getting back together. Some time has passed and though I am still tempted to be friends with him and/or try to support him I know it’s futile. I would still be seeking that validation and always hoping in the back of my mind that he would change and see me in a new light and realize ‘YES! She’s the one!.’ Fat chance.
If he wanted to be with me, thought I was this amazing creature that was one in a million and desired to be in a committed and responsible relationship….he would be. He clearly does not.”
Remember, it is not about you. I did the same thing, tried to desperately hold on during the initial stages of the breakup etc. Some time has now passed in my situation (I went full NC) and the ex AC has contacted me with some lazy e-mails just to keep a foothold in my life. I have struggled with thoughts of perhaps being friends with him, but then I always tell myself what good would come out of it? Nothing. If he was a lousy bf then he will also be a lousy friend. Plus, would he magically come to realize that I was “the one”?? A big fat NO. Thing is, NO ONE will ever be “the one” with these guys. If they do deem someone with that title, it doesn’t stick for long. In fact, my ex AC told me that I WAS “the one”, but that was at the beginning when he had his mask on firmly and was blowing hot.
The problem is deep inside them. They could not have, or maintain a relationship with anyone. They are broken and it isn’t our job to fix them. In fact there is no way they could be fixed unless they realize they need to change for themselves and do the work of self analysis and introspection. That means they would have to take responsibility, and a true AC will have none of that.
You ARE an “amazing creature that IS one in a million”. The trick is finding someone worthy enough for YOU. This took me a long time to realize. That somehow I am NOT responsible for the messed up way that my ex AC dealt with our relationship. Now I know that I deserve way better. These guys are just empty shells. Sad really, as they will never know true intimacy and a good relationship with anyone.
Take care,
TJ
TJ.
There also needs to be “introspection” as to why we stuck around. We were 50% of this equation, and continued to tolerate bad behavior, sadly we pursued them for more mistreatment after the ‘relationship’ had ended.
As long as we continue to put it all on them, we will not grow, and will forever be on the AC cycle. We have our own issues with EU and self-esteem, otherwise we wouldn’t have given these guys the time of day.
@Allison,
I agree that absolutely there needs to be introspection & holding that mirror up to ourselves to truly understand what our part in the relationship was.
As far as giving these guys “the time of day”….the thing is, in order to be truly open to a relationship we have to give others the time of day to find out who they truly are. When involved with an AC, particularly a narcissistic AC, when you first meet them they have the mask of “sugar & sweet” on. That is when you fall in love – they are intoxicating at first with their attentiveness and desire after all. It is when their true colors start surfacing that we have to walk away. That is the catch, you are already invested, have feelings… so… not so easy to walk away anymore. However, by building our self esteem & having really reflected on our past mistakes in relationships hopefully we will be able to pick out the AC a bit sooner and WALK away… no, wait a minute… RUN.
A relationship is always a two way street that is for sure. Yes, it was “my bad” for staying in the relationship with the AC, but it is not my fault that I was lied to and cheated on. That is all on him. I have looked deeply into that mirror and am working everyday on strengthening myself inside and out. And one thing you can be sure of is that these narcissistic AC’s will never do any introspection or hold that mirror up to themselves – they cannot take responsibility.
TJ
TJ,
I hope that some day they will focus on their behavior, as it is so harmful.
In my situation, I choose to ignore many indicators that something was off-even though he was sweet and loving-and continued to move ahead thinking all would be O.K.
Like you, I can spot them immediately! There are many subtle statements or behaviors that I ignored in the past. No more, my AC radar is now set on high detection!!!
I needed to read this…i have been struggling with someone with so much baggage and emotionaln issues and i feel like loving him more will make him want me more but i end up hurting the more
Thanks for this reality check
Well said Natalie. I think the one thing that was the most enlightening fact that I’ve learned in this whole process is that people have different abilities and levels at which they can love. Before EUM epiphany I thought that every man/woman all had the ability to love… that love is love! I think this myth is what starts the snowball effect of “is he just not that into me?” and “what’s wrong with me/why am I not good enough” syndrome.
I almost feel like learning that basic fact was a huge key that I have received… it’s finally opened the door of peace in my heart. Now that I am aware that his ability (and others in my past cuz I was certainly a magnet for a while!) to love is so stunted, there was nothing I could have done. I couldn’t have been prettier, or cooler, or whatever to actually win him. And to that end, I no longer feel jealous about any of the new girls he’s hooked. I am so thankful that I finally realized I needed to get out of pain, found a therapist, found this site, and learned the big lesson on this phenomenon. It’s like I know a secret, that’s how it feels. I don’t even care about trying to find a relationship anymore because I’ve let all that anxiety go along with the terrible feelings of I’m not good enough and the men that preyed upon that. I figure now that I’ve finally found the ME that I love, I actually pretty happy just with her until someone is actually good enough to ask for me to share it. 🙂 Until then, take your shenanigans elsewhere!!
“It’s like I know a secret, that’s how it feels. I don’t
even care about trying to find a relationship anymore because I’ve
let all that anxiety go along with the terrible feelings of I’m not
good enough and the men that preyed upon that. I figure now that
I’ve finally found the ME that I love, I actually pretty happy just
with her until someone is actually good enough to ask for me to
share it. Until then, take your shenanigans elsewhere!!” Yes, yes,
yes! This is exactly how I feel — the difference in my outlook
between yesterday (when I stumbled upon this site) and today (now
that I’ve read a bit on here) is AMAZING. I was driving myself nuts
over this guys because “We were meant to be together,” and “He’s
been hurt in the past.” Blah, blah, blah. If he wanted to be with
me, he would. Nothing in the world would stop him. End of story,
end of relationship, end of this pattern for me.
I’m still fresh going through this, but I think I know why my EUM couldn’t love me. He kept saying stuff like, what if it doesn’t work out? and what if I fall in love with someone else? so, i think for him, he didn’t want to be fully off the market in case his “ideal woman” went around the corner.
This ideal person isn’t real though, and I am very sad that he is stuck on an idea. I don’t think he will ever fully commit to anyone as long as he is unsure if the person he is interested in is “The One.”
There were a couple times where he seemed to want some 100 percent guarantee that it would work out, and I was honest, and said, no i can’t promise that. nothing is guaranteed. Either way, I am no longer going to put my life on hold waiting for someone to come around when in all reality he may never give up this fictitious ideal woman. And, I will never live up to the fantasy. 🙁
This is EXACTLY what is going on with most of these guys.
What’s really ugly: when they date great girls as confidence boosters, and as weapons to use in their attempts to find “The One”. They say, “I am kinda-sorta-maybe seeing this girl, her name is Jenny, now… but it’s not that serious. Oh, what does she do, you asked? Well, she is pretty bright. She is a professional, a [dentist/attorney/insert-grad-school-education]. She is also pretty and pretty cool. Pretty all around, I guess! But, like I said, we’re not serious…”
They even stoop to using the women they date to get the target they are aiming at, and the target is either someone they think might be “The One” or an ex that they are trying to win back. Me, me, me, me, me all the way! This is the most vile behavior I have ever seen in a man. The men who do is are the biggest losers I have ever seen!
BLEUGH to them. They’re holding out for the perfect woman. She doesn’t exist and if she did, she wouldn’t be interested in some flip flapping, indecisive, selfish man-boy
Jenny, did we date the same guy? Mine was like that too — kept saying that I would leave him for a more successful man, wanted guarantees that our married life would be perfect. He began talking marriage way too soon in the relationship, and at times he would praise me to the skies. When he was in a good mood, I was the most wonderful thing on two feet. Yet other times, he’d be nasty, and very critical — and over the dumbest things. I got a zit on my cheek once, and you’d think I’d committed a felony! I was a serious runner, and really was a bit too thin. He’d say things like “You better keep working out! I can’t have a fat wife!” I should have seen that as a red flag, but my parents were very critical. It was just so very familiar to me — to try so hard to please and always fall short.
I look at it as a power and control issue. In his mind, he had the right to dictate how I should look, and act, who I should socialize with, what my career goals should be — but I did not have the same right to dictate to him. He could not accept that I could decide to reject him, or refuse to please him.
If you really love someone, you make yourself vulnerable. You would suffer if the other person decided that they didn’t love you, or if they got sick. This guy could not tolerate being that vulnerable. He wanted his fantasy relationship with Ms. Perfect, who was never going to get a zit, flirt with another man, gain weight, or get bored and leave him.
I can’t really blame him, because I’ve done similar things, getting caught up in daydreams about guys, including him…just wanting to believe that he was someone that he wasn’t, in spite of all evidence to the contrary. I’m trying now to focus on reality in my relationships, and not spin these fantasies. It’s not easy. The fantasy is just so appealing, sometimes.
I use to think I could love enough for the both of us. What an energy draining soul destroying experience.
I used to think that too, but then when I saw another couples and how other woman got love and affection I would feel so sad because how come I couldn’t have a relationship like that.
sucks
Hi Nat,
I’m loving reading your posts and this couldnt have come at a better time.
I had stayed away from my EUM for about 5wks and had felt really great since our break up(your book, has been inspiring) until last night when he called up to drop the last of my stuff off. He stayed and we chatted and all was just easy and friendly, until he held me for too long when he was leaving –
2hrs later- then as soon as he left i got so upset, i guess i thought with not seeing me for so long, he might just once confess his undying love and want me back. Rejection is hard, but your posts are getting me through.
I know how to love and have a healthy outlook on relationships, he is just an Eum and always will be.
Thanks so much for your writing xx
2hrsk
Yeah, yeah, I know Natalie is right. I read her stuff. However, I am STILL STUCK! I walked out NINE MONTHS ago, and I cannot get the A/C out of my heart and head. I cannot believe anyone would be like this. I’m the one violating N/C, not him, but only because I WANT ANSWERS (that I’m never going to get). Fortunately, mine didn’t cheat on me, but he exhibited all the other A/C behaviors.
I’m now trying to search for something in my life to change so I can get the dude out of my heart.
My suggestion is to think of one, just one, situation or instance or experience you had with him that turned your stomach. Mine happened five, just FIVE, days after we were married. I asked him if we could talk after dinner (after writing him a note; I got the idea from PostSecret), and he yelled at me across the table. Held his fork in the air and YELLED at me, and my heart froze, my stomach got sick, and I remember thinking, “I’m in a bit of trouble here.” Well one month later I left the marriage and his house (he called it our house; it was his house). Every time I get a feeling of missing him – or being with someone – I think of that experience it reinforces my decision.
sometimes they’re not even AC’s or flat out a-h*les – in a way it’s more insiduous. i was a on a teeter totter situaton with a guy i met and was way into me… backed off beginning of year out of absolutely nowhere. i cut him off tho he wanted to be “friends” then i was totally over it so we started chatting again… and couple months later he moved things to the “next level” – no sex… no kissing… but had me stay overnight to cuddle?? (that was my red flag and when it all came to screeching half actually) dinner..good times- calling/texting/chatting every single day. yep every day. and then he left for germany. and puled a disappearing act and i got a couple emails of him being all “colleague-like” well i was on my own european trip and busy with family… so for almost 2 months i said mothing til i finally wrote him back when he wrote me and said “listen this is lame – it was rude and disrespectful, whether or not you intended tit that way you basically led me on and then pulled a fade out when you could have at least had a conversation with me.. im reasonable… im an adult.. and we were friends for a while before this.” ….nothing NADA zip not even a tiny reply. now in a bizarre run of events he moved and works in the same city i do… we have many mutual friends & i know he knows im live here too (10 min from him!) .
he was what i consider a “nice guy” but came to learn over time he was still pining over an on and off ex from a year ago… one who conned him and used him and cheated on him. HA. so he goes after Emotionall unaiv women and i go after Emo unaiv. men. perfect we canceled eachother out! turns out just cause they are “nice” or non abusive a_h*les doesn’t mean they aren’t EUM… and therefore not suited for relationship. i learned the hard way on this one.. cause i totally got him wrong… but then when i think about it… not really. i just sorta dampened my red flag instincts cause i SO wanted a relationship again….. and he was just a bad choice turns out. also taught me once and for all.. don’t EVER give an EUM a second chance… cuz they’ll just do it to ya again all over again. i don’t care how “nice” they seem or like “one of the good guys”…. if they’re not available… that’s all we ever need to know. next!
“Saying that you love or care about someone or that you want a relationship creates expectations both spoken and assumed. ”
I assumed I could trust his word, and when he told me he loved me….
upon reflection I see he was checking out and but did this half ass effort to “play along” with me for a few days…he knew he was leaving ..and he still slept with me, still wanted his favors and scrambled eggs. He would do this little look at me so charming, play house, future fake, talk babies….AND BE MARRIED and lying to as he held me on the beach…so romantic huh? gazing in my eyes drunk on infatuation. Knowing he would leave the next day and dis-a-pear POOOFF
He wanted my love alright, just for his specific ego and sexual needs. Who knows the reasons why men and women cheat, lie, do things that aren’t entirely their character LET:S HOPE…but it happens. I see it that they ARE capable atleast of knowing they are going to leave you and doing a cat and mouse routine. I am coming to realize that he is really just spineless and a coward. His word is nothing. A man with no honor. Why would I be sad to see him go? A man that hurt me and lied to me and wasn’t capable of caring or acting in respect. How did I fall for THAT GUY?
“You want to give away your love that badly? Give it to a responsible person who will cherish it and handle it with care, and more importantly, be a responsible owner instead of running up and down the street offering it out to anyone who resonates with your pattern that’s willing to give you the time of day. “
Hi Natalie,
You are speaking loud and clear. The past week, I laid out all of my EUM’s faults to him (for the 1st time) – narcissism, condescension, lack of empathy, lying, hot and cold actions, plus examples of red flag after flag.
He said, “Your candor doesn’t bother me but your perception of me doesn’t seem rooted in reality. It makes me wonder why you have anything to do with me. You seem to be very deeply invested. I’m just interested in having a little fun.”
Anyone else would have seen that coming, maybe even appreciated his selfish honesty, but not me. After I picked my jaw off the tear-soaked carpet, I realized I knew all along what a manipulator he was, yet couldn’t bear being rejected, so I accepted his actions, no matter how egregious. I was clinging to the illusion of “us”, that initial chemistry, and I was trapped in my feelings.
Thank you for this article, Natalie – it is very timely.
He may be all of those things, but why would you tell him that? If you really think that, then you should walk away. I am sad to say, but I agree with his comments. If someone told me I was all those things, I would not say – “thank you! You have pointed out all of my faults and now I will work on them.” I would be angry and defensive as well. I am not saying you could not have worked on things as I don’t know the situation, but if you care about someone and want to work it out, not sure that is the approach.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Natalie does a great post on why relationships don’t work – sometimes they just need tweaking, and other times, just walk away. I am happy you have found this, next time your self esteem will he higher! And you will find someone who treats you better.
Well, at least we now know what they would say if we ever got to have THE CONVERSATION with them, the conversation that many of us hanker after where we point out exactly where they are going wrong. They don’t care. That’s why we are in these situations. And if what we say about them is right ( I’m sure it is), it does beg the question “Why the hell am I here?!”
Where did we get the notion that “love heals”? From the movies, music, TV? This idea that if we just love someone enough, they will be transformed and all their bad habits will evaporate. Maybe its just projection and wishful thinking; if someone just loved me enough, all my problems would go away. Rejection is a very difficult pill to swallow. When the AC dumped me, I dealt with the rejection (bullet number 1). I had thought we were friends and had a second rejection when he didn’t want to fight for the relationship. Bullet number 2 to the chest. All this revealed his narcissistic tendencies and I came to see he had no empathy and that he had never really cared for me. I had only been a supply source and not special. Bullet number 3.
In the past I would have used all that to internalize more hatred for myself. I would have told myself I wasn’t good enough or there was something wrong with me and I was unlovable. Now, I see it as his limitations. Yes, I contributed in some ways, such as staying when all the signs said to go and hoping long past the point it was clear the relationship was going nowhere. I have read comments in one section that talked about abusive relationships and what responsibility the victim has. The only responsbility they have is chosing to stay and allow the abuse to continue. Our behaviour allows the abuse but it doesn’t cause it and it doesn’t excuse it and it never will. I am amazed to discover that it never even occured to me till recently that I can walk away. I was taught that, if you loved someone, you stayed and you worked on it and you fought for the people you care about. The part of the equation I wasn’t taught was that you should only do that WHEN THE OTHER PERSON CARES ABOUT YOU TOO. I missed that crucial piece of information.
Loving someone unconditionally doesn’t mean tolerating abuse and it shouldn’t leave me feeling badly about myself or compromised or controlled. If it does, its not love – it’s need or validation seeking or some other unhealthy pattern. It’s not love.
For the first time in over 40 years, I am chosing to give my love only to those who want it, deserve it and return it. I am chosing to start by giving it to me.
“””For the first time in over 40 years, I am chosing to give my love only to those who want it, deserve it and return it. I am chosing to start by giving it to me.”””
Excellent!!!!
Beautiful post CE. It is great to know that at least we can learn and better ourselves when these things happen in our lives. Through reading Nat’s articles and reading other people’s experiences and sharing we can lift each other up!
Thanks Nat for another amazing article!
TJ
“It’s important to note that when we express sentiments like ‘I can’t believe they don’t want my love’ you have to be real with yourself and recognise where the disbelief comes from, because more often than not when these words are uttered, it’s because they’re attached to someone who you’re punching below your weight with. You could do better, but you’re not, and instead you’re gambling on trying to get love from a limited person”
So true! Seems like such an idiotic thing to do when you think about it. Like buying a pair of shoes for £5 and wondering why they fall apart after a week. Invest in good quality ‘products’ and you’ll get better value in return.
I also have a problem with taking rejection personally. I keep having to remind myself that i’ve done plenty of rejecting myself and it’s not because i have anything against the person, it’s just that sometimes you don’t ‘feel’ it, even if you’ve met up with the person a couple of times. Them wanting to see you again (or vice versa) doesn’t create an IOU either, even if one or both of you say you’ll see each other again ‘soon’. Sorry, i’m just rambling now!
Just wanted to say Thanks Nat – you’re providing one hell of a social service! Really appreciate your comments – never fails to help, seeing all that common sense with a good dose of therapy down in black and white. Thank you so much!
BTW, I don’t think that they are looking for “The One.” There is no “One.” It’s just a dodge to fill in for the commitment that they will not produce.
As dear Nat says, (approximately): Walk away. Now. Keep your head high. You’ll learn to feel better.
Natalie,you truly are wise beyond your age. Every post helps me dig a little deeper into my feelings and needs which you so eloquently describe. You articulate the way I feel so very well that I can rely on what you say to take responsibility for my feelings instead of looking to someone else to validate them. Thank-you once again for all the work you do to share your insights on healthy relationships with us. <3
I barely have enough energy for myself, much less an assclown who makes it very clear (whether the message is mixed or otherwise) that he doesn’t want to be bothered with me or what I have to offer. 😐
Oh. My. God. This page has just blown me away. Talk about reality check. This page has hit me like a slap in the face from a whale let alone a kipper!
So many word of wisdom
I to pinned my hopes “on a very wounded Mr Unavailable who had enough baggage to fill up several airport terminals”. I too “thought things would be different” with me because I “saw past his problems, saw potential, and wanted a loving relationship with him.”
I feel utterly stupid. I should print out the next bit and stick it on my mirror and read it every darned day!
“When someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship, or they have limited access to their emotions, or they’re terrified of intimacy and get clammy at the thought of commitment, it doesn’t matter if your love comes in a platinum case with a bow on it promising the sun, moon, and stars – they don’t want it. Or they only want it on their terms. They can’t and won’t ‘appreciate’ what is on offer. It doesn’t matter that it’s you and your love – you could be anyone and until they resolve their issues, you will not extract a loving relationship from them. And really – why should you have to do the equivalent of pulling teeth or dragging a horse kicking and screaming to water?”
That is me. I’m doing ALL the work, which takes me many hours and most of my energy, he is going about his daily life putting in no effort whatsoever and doing nothing to make or save our relationship.
What a bloody fool I have been! I feel ashamed of myself.
@wasted love
Don’t feel bad, we have all been there. I have just found out that the person I’ve wasted 12 years of my life on has lied to me for the last 2 years. What’s worse I know he is a lying cheat but I still believed him. We have lived apart for 2 years but he still lead me to think that although he wasn’t able to commit to me he still cared for me dearly, (his words) and that maybe one day we could be together again. I have just discovered that he is seeing someone else and is having a physical relationship with her. But what really hurts is that he told me he was impotent and was afraid of getting intimate for that reason. I feel so angry but hopefully that will dissipate and I will try move on at last.
Oh Anne, I really feel for you. “He told me he was impotent and was afraid of getting intimate for that reason” — I understand how you feel because mine told me he didn’t want a “full committed relationship” ONLY because “the timing wasn’t right” , but now he’s offering that to another woman.
Will you ever trust a man again?