There are many questions that burn through our mind when a relationship ends. It may be because he ended it or because you cut contact with him, but many of us get caught up in the futile game of wondering:

Does he miss me?

or decoded:

Does the assclown or Mr Unavailable who didn’t give me what I want/treat me decently when we were together, finally realise what he’s missing?

Does he miss me enough for things to be different this time?

Yep, you’re looking for validation again. That and a potential opportunity to stay invested in the hope that this time he’s changed.

Don’t get me wrong, missing someone is natural, particularly if you have a lot riding on that person, but expending brain energy pondering whether he misses you is another sign that you’re too busy concerning yourself with him.

For a start, ask yourself if you miss him and if you do, ask yourself why.

Often when I speak to women or read comments on this blog about missing someone, it’s not ‘him’ that’s missed; it’s drama, sex, routine, security of having someone (anyone), the dream, the illusion, and the irrational idea that the hidden decent committed man within might pop out whilst your back is turned.

That aside, what is the point of wondering if someone misses you? It’s not enough, especially when he may be missing you for the wrong reasons:

I miss you because you were always so willing to let me get away with anything until you got a crazy idea into your head to cut contact with me.

I miss you because I miss getting a shag.

I miss you because my ego needs a massage.

I miss you because I need you to play armchair psychologist and listen to all of my problems.

I miss the you that believed I was a decent guy.

I miss you because the thought of having to start over with another woman makes me weary – she’ll just want more from me too.

I miss you because it’s not the same now that I can’t call you up late at night or once in a blue moon and come and get laid.

I miss you because you tried so hard to please me all the time.

The thing is, once again, the whole missing you thing has got to be about actions, not words.

Whilst your ego may be out of joint because you feel rejected, you will feel even more rejected if you keep pursuing validation and still ultimately end up back at square one.

If he’s going to miss you, he needs to act like it, not by saying it, or sending you a text/email, or instant message (lazy communication) but by missing you so much that he backs this up with actions by sorting himself out, because trust me, missing you is not enough.

There is only so long that you can dine off those hollow words for before you realise that he may ‘miss’ you, but it’s not enough. He may miss you but it doesn’t mean it’s love.

You are looking for him to validate not only your decision to end it by showing remorse, but also the energy that you expended during the relationship. If he didn’t validate you during the relationship, it’s probably not best to expect it from him now that it’s over.

These men are often not only disconnected from their emotions but are also disconnected from their actions. They don’t have that kind of insight so you’ve now gone from attempting to extract love and a committed relationship from a poor source, to chasing regret, acknowledgment and validation.

Does he miss you? Who cares? Well actually you do but if it’s a Mr Unavailable you’re wondering this about, it’s just another indication that you need to focus some of your energy dealing with your own issues so that you don’t wonder why people who don’t treat you with love, care, and respect are missing you and focus on gravitating to people that do.

You can’t just switch off how you feel for someone. It takes time to heal but heal you will if you put the focus on you. Deal with your own stuff and then ask yourself if you care whether he misses you. What I do know us that you’re worth a damn sight more than someone who ‘misses’ you – be with someone who wants to put both of their feet in and love you now and who will sort himself because the fear of losing you and being put in the position of having to ‘miss’ you is not one that he’s prepared to realise.

Your thoughts?


FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

214 Responses to Does my ex Mr Unavailable or assclown miss me?

  1. mysterious says:

    I am/was also dealing with a similar issue. As if once wasn’t enough, I fell for the same crap TWICE in a row with my past two relationships. Running across this website and reading all your comments has really hit the jackpot, so I’d like to share my experiences.
    The earlier relationship with AC #1, I was on a three-month break from relationships before I started talking to him. It started out with him telling me about how much wrong his “ex-wife” had done him, how much his family didn’t understand him, and all the most bullsh*tted crap anyone can pull out of their ass. He asked me to be his girlfriend twice before I gave in to pressure and pity. For five months, there were so many obvious signs that something wasn’t right, but I gave him benefit of the doubt anyway. For instance, he would always make up excuses as to why I couldn’t go over to his house as much. Most of the time we hung out, it would be at my place. I even ended up getting a puppy during this, because he had promised to help me out with it. That was BS. He couldn’t ever find time to help me keep the puppy whenever I went to work, none of that shit. We were always fighting because his “ex-wife” kept getting in touch with me and saying crap. Towards the end, I found out there was no “ex-wife.” They were STILL married, although she was by that time trying get a divorce. When it all ended, I was on the phone with them both through HIS phone while I was on speakerphone, so that we could all have a good ‘ol chit chat. He denied everything, made me feel insignificant in front of her. I was just the other girl when he couldn’t get what he wanted from her. After that conversation, I basically got all I needed to know, and cut contact. Five months of my life wasted. There were A LOT more crap involved, but I won’t trouble you with this as much, since I’m long over this one. It’s just a lesson learned. =)
    With AC #2 (the very recent issue), oh this is so good, lol. It took me ONE month to get over AC #1. AC #2 had been around even while AC #1 was still in the picture. He was THAT great, sympathetic guy who was so willing to listen, and was always there. He was a guy I had recently met who was supposed to have been a real friend. While I was still with AC #1, he was always texting and calling, and messaging me through facebook, telling me he was going through the SAME situation and that he understood how I felt. I was relieved to know there was someone else who understood what I was going through, so I clung onto his open invitation for me to vent. I’m not gonna lie, that one month was hell. I took it really poorly. I was having serious withdrawal. Nothing was fun. Even when I hung out with my friends, I still felt lonely and empty, and hurt. Nothing helped to ease the situation. I talked to all my friends (AC #2 included) about it ALL the time, and cried, and complained about what an idiot I was. Then AC #2 came back to town from school, and wanted to hang out. We hung out a couple times, he started coming over at night whenever I got off work to keep me company and talk to me (night time is when you feel the sh*ttiest during times like this). He’d drive over, listen to me vent for hours almost every night, and then drive back home later during the night. We started hanging out more as I pulled myself out of my withdrawal. I considered him a really good friend by then, and we were always out doing stuff together and talking on the phone a lot. The one day, he asked about “us.” I was stunned. At the same time, I started feeling guilty for having somehow lead him into thinking I was interested in THAT sense. I told him that I had just recently gotten out of a really bad relationship and that I still needed time to put myself fully back together. He said he understood, and we left it at that for a while. A while meaning a week or so, haha. He asked me again…and this time I thought about it. ‘What the hell…he’s been soooo good to me. Maybe I should give him a chance.’ So I did. I had fun. He was a very good boyfriend, at the beginning. He’d show up at my place sometimes with flowers and make cute drawings for me, and all that sweet, lovey-dovey stuff. Texting and messaging sweet things to me was all there. We talked ALL the time. Little did I know, he was losing his license within ten days after we made it official. Didn’t even bother to tell me about this until after we’d gotten together. I was like, ‘Okay, no big deal. I have a car, I drive. No problem.’ The first three months were great. I drove to see him at his school. He treated us out. We hung out, enjoyed each other’s company. Then we fell out and had a “break [up].” His best friend/first ex had asked him to go to her formal with her because somehow her date had bailed out on her. I didn’t like the idea first of all because he had mentioned how they were considering getting back together ONE month before he started talking to me. However, I took her into consideration, and said okay. However, I asked him whether or not he would have gone if I had said no. He told me he still would have anyway. And I lost it. For him to sit there and make me ponder this for days, only to tell me that even if I had said no, he was still gonna go. I was pissed. So we “broke up.” A couple days later, we got back together, lol. Yes, I fell for the “I miss you” BS. Everything was good again, although not the same. There were some elements in the relationship that went missing through that “break up.” I should have known better to have let it end there. I should have. Throughout those last five months, I still did all the driving because he wasn’t getting his license back for six months from when he lost it. I drove to see him a lot. Over the summer, I was at his parents’ house with him while he was back home for summer break. I wasn’t taking any summer classes so when I wasn’t working, we were practically together, sometimes for days and nights at a time. You can almost say we practically lived together. He started hiding his phone. Started making up stories that didn’t make sense. I’d ask him about it repeatedly and he’d just get frustrated and say I was always too suspicious about everything. I started suspecting he was up to no good, but I suspected the wrong person of it. I thought it was his best friend/first ex. I think in a sense he kind of allowed me to keep thinking it was her, so that he could deny it and tell me I’m being ridiculous and technically get the satisfaction of not lying when he denied it. He’s weird like that. At one point, he told me he loved me, and took it back about a month later, lol. Oh boy, I should have ended it there. Stupid me. I stayed anyway, and bought his stupid story about why he did it. So now, about two weeks ago, he got caught. How I love Facebook. It’s the best source for just about anything. I ran across the profile of his ex prior to me, through someone I knew from him. Curiosity got the best of me, so I clicked her profile and found out she was mentioning stuff about him in her notes and stuff. Basically, he was still calling, and the way she had stuff on there, they were talking again. So, I did what I had to do, and messaged her letting her know he was in a relationship with me in case she didn’t know. She messaged back saying he was in a relationship with her and didn’t know what was going on. Five minutes later, he texted me saying he was sorry, and how I “deserved” better. I called him, because I was shocked, and wanted to know what was going on, and how he pulled this crap off for 8 months. He acted like a d*ck about it, and even said that he was ‘already enough of a d*ck and basically didn’t feel like talking to me because he didn’t want to end up being even more of a d*ck.’ He told me he KNEW there was nothing he could do to make it up to me. I thought it was fishy, so I asked him if he would do anything to make it up to me if I had said there was indeed something he could do. He said he would, but kept repeating how he knew there wasn’t. I prodded him, because I knew he was basically indirectly telling me he wasn’t willing to do anything to make it up to me. I asked him one last time if he would be willing to do whatever it took to make it up to me if I told him there was something he could do. He finally told me basically that there “was,” but it was pointless because he didn’t see us being together long anyway. So I prodded him some more, and he told me some hurtful crap. How we had NOTHING in common and he had EVERYTHING in common with her, he didn’t see himself being with me for very long, how he loved her although he enjoyed my company (that was all I was, company). Then he played the “my phone is dying” crap and hung up on me. By then I wasn’t expecting any calls or messages back. I was hurt, but I got my answers. I was still on the phone with one of my friends about it when he called me at around 2 am. So I let my friend go and pick up his call because I figured we hadn’t finished discussing things earlier that night after all. As soon as I answered, he started bawling and begging for me to take him back. How he was so so so so so so so so sorry. How he needed me. How I was so perfect for him. How he was so stupid. How he would do ANYTHING to make it up to me. And I sat there, stunned at how soon this was actually happening. And laughed at him. It hurt enough for me to not know how to respond except laugh. He sat there and told me it wasn’t funny and kept sniffling and bawling and begging over and over again. But, I told him he was gonna be okay, and repeated to him EVERYTHING hurtful he had just said to me earlier that night. I refused to fall for it, because I remembered how he had at one point told me he could make himself cry if he wanted to. Tsk tsk tsk, that’s guys for you. Heartless. Ended up on the phone that night for almost 2-3 hours straight talking to him. How funny things play out. I got cheated on, and I was the one consoling HIM. Things work in the strangest ways. So that night I went to bed satisfied. I overcame one of my biggest flaws. Of giving in because it was the normal. Because it was the easy way out of the current feeling and situation. I did NOT give in. The next day he called again repeatedly while I was at school. Finally picked up, and he was still crying and begging, wanting me to let him come see me the next day. I told him no, and told him again that he was gonna be okay. That I’d still be his friend. Odd huh? I was offering friendship to someone who did me wrong. He finally texted me later saying he was gonna leave me alone, that I obviously would be happier if he didn’t exist, that he couldn’t be just a friend to me. We texted back and forth a bit, and I told him I never said such a thing, and I still offered friendship. After that day, he stopped calling to cry and beg for forgiveness. However, the very next day, he did call to have a random conversation about his day. The day afterwards, he texted wishing me good night. Then I didn’t here from him for a couple days. I was honestly a little worried for some reason. Some of his family members hadn’t really heard or seen him lately, so I texted him to see if he was alright. Somehow, we ended up talking again, first starting as just casual friend talk. Then he started pulling the “I miss you” crap again. But I knew that he was doing the same thing with the other girl that he was doing to me. So I told him that, if he really wanted to get back with me, I expected change, and I expected him to get rid of this other girl who happens to be the one ex that he always cheats on and runs back to. Maybe I made a mistake thinking it was possible people could change. Even his best friend/ex hinted to me that I should just let him go and not allow him to keep stringing me along to hurt me. Anyway, he told me he’d 3-way her and prove to me that she was gonna know about me and that he was gonna rid himself of her for good. (I forgot to mention that he denied everything to her when he got caught. She’s an idiot and holds onto his every word. It’s dumb girls like her that allow f*cked up guys like him to screw girls like me over. I hate thinking about it cause it makes me mad.) When time came to do it, he backed out. So I said bye, and for us to just drop the idea of getting back together. I hadn’t heard from him since. I texted him a couple days later pertaining to some incident that had happened the month before with the phone bill. He acted like an ass as if he didn’t want to even answer a simple question. The next day, he texted me to see how I was doing. We texted back and forth over casual talk about our day and classes. And just today, he out of the blue texted me something along the line of, “Hey! Just thinking about you. Hoping you’re having a good day. If you ever need someone to talk with about anything, know that I’m always here to listen.” I replied thanking him and telling him that he had the same privilege. Honestly, I was at one point trying to see the real reason behind that random text. But I ran across this website, and realized that it would be pointless and a waste of my time to try to decipher SOME hidden meaning or the real motive behind it.
    So, two weeks later, I like to think I am doing fine. Does HE miss me? Yes, I do wonder at times. And, I’m not going to lie, there have been and probably will still be times when I’ll think about this sh*t again and feel really crappy. Sometimes trying to remember all the bad stuff to counteract the good times isn’t always the best way. If anything, it can make you feel even worse by allowing you to consider yourself as such an idiot to have allowed yourself to be put through it. Trust me, I’ve done enough of that. So now, when I’m feeling BLAH about this, I consider what THEY have done to get with me to begin with. Yes, okay, I fell for the pity and pressure game twice. However, AC #1 was said (by his wife) to have taken out a loan to somehow try to impress me at the beginning. AC #2 pretended to be everything I wanted in a guy. The things a guy will do just so he could play a girl, haha. It’s almost humorous. So I’ll end it with this. At one point, they wanted me enough to pretend to be something they’re not. AC #2 might be with that other girl, who is basically his lap dog/B and does his every bidding. BUT, at one point, he was MY lap dog/B, pretending to be everything I wanted to please ME. =) I’m so proud to say that I’ve never had to stoop to that level to get someone I want, and never plan to. So in the end, I think all this drama and BS has helped me grow. And I hope you guys can see your situations also as just mere learning lessons in life as well. =)


    • NML says:

      Hi Mysterious – you should join the forum as your comment will be more suited there and can be discussed with other members. Thanks

  2. brokenheartedbabble says:

    “And always, always remember the 30 minute rule – never rely on anything said in the 30 minutes before or after an orgasm, or the hope of an orgasm. Ever, guy or gal. That is a time ruled by hormones and social drives that make the words just noise and music.”

    Thanks, Brad, for the rule! I’ve always thought of the 30 minutes “after” as being the one time that truth is spoken, for that’s how it is for me. The soft whisperings of love words, the letting down of barriers – “music.” That’s when all my vulnerabilities and confessions come out. Crap. This site teaches me more every day.

  3. wokenup says:

    I have just been taught a very painful lesson. I broke NC. What an idiot. I saw my Mr Unavailable on Saturday..and MY GOD…what a mistake. He is in a relationship with someone else. I am the fallback girl and I made it so easy for him. It’s been years of on and off, then something cracked.

    He was honest with me. He told me that he has a life to lead. He told me that the world doesnt stop turning not knowing me. He said that live goes on – that he has a life and that we can’t continue along this road forever. I know this – but never thought for a second he would be this blunt. But his honesty, like a stab in my heart, awoke my senses. It made me realise all those months of NC of me wondering whether he missed me – he didnt, or if he did it was sparce. Take it at face value – it is what it is. If he doesnt contact you – he doesnt want to speak to you, AND we should be stronger in order to push them out of our lives! Men are not like us. They compartmentalize everything – everything has a box. And that goes for the Ex girlfriend, the old flame! Life is not worth wondering, thinking, stressing over someone that is probably just getting on with living! Don’t do what I did and hold on to old memories – the old words, actions mean nothing! It is what they do NOW not THEN. Then is over. Now is the future! xX

  4. The Big Guy says:

    I know this website is more oriented toward women, but I thought I might share my experience, which may in turn help you girls out. Especially those of you that have been drug-out by retards and dipshits

    Note: I’m not even close to gay, metro sexual, or anything close to that nature. In fact to give you a little perspective, I’m a 6’5” 260lbs x-college football player. I love to hunt, fish, and I love my Jack and coke. I kind of have a soft side is all.

    When I was 19 I dated this girl (I was a football player and she was a cheerleader) for about a year and a half. We were pretty much crazy about each other (first love for both of us). We would spend nearly every waking moment with one another. For the last couple weeks of our relationship she went Looney-tune on me and began to complain that I wasn’t the guy she fell in love with and that I didn’t treat her the way that she felt I needed to treat her. I broke it off quickly because I didn’t want it to get ugly and end up hating each other. I also thought that some time apart would help us both come to our senses and find that we couldn’t live without one another and eventually we would end up getting back together. I found that I liked the freedom, not to indulge in other women, in fact I had no interest in finding someone else. She quickly hitched up with a guy that was completely the opposite of me (short, tattooed, atheist, vegan, singer in a scream-o band, manipulative, and not so interested in getting to know her family). After seeing her with this guy I was devastated, heartbroken, and pissed off.

    -Note: Now I had read an article on this site about how people will often date another person that has the opposite qualities of the previous person that they dated. I love, but at the same time hate that people do this. I love it because it allows people to see what else is out there. It kind of assures you into knowing exactly what you want in a guy/girl. I hate it because it sometimes changes people. Sometimes people can’t help but mold themselves to how their new boy/girlfriend acts and is because they are so different, and they began accepting things and allowing things to happen in their life that they normally wouldn’t allow to happen. This blows my mind really. You should date someone that you find attractive and holds the qualities that you find are necessary to yours and his/her happiness. Not go against the grain because you think it will make up for the needs your ex didn’t fulfill. When you let your mind drift into believing you need the exact opposite of your previous boy/girlfriend you’re only looking going to find problems.

    Take me for example, I like girly girls with a little bit of an attitude, and know what they want in life. Girls that are independent but have the need for strong affection. I started to date a girl that was sort of sort of a push over and let people walk all over her. It was terrible, and I found that I didn’t want that at all. Which is a good thing. Now my ex girlfriend on the other hand molded and twisted to fit into her new boyfriends personality. She became moderately disconnected from her family and from herself in some ways. She now has more issues than you can imagine 5 years later. Girls, DON”T DO THIS. Don’t mold to your new boyfriends personality.

    Back to my story……

    I told myself I had to move on, and to be honest with you I did. I moved into a house with 5 other football players and we had an absolute ball every day we lived in that house. I didn’t need a girlfriend anymore I had had 5 buddies and almost always one of them was down to drink beer, play video games, or do anything else that seemed like a good idea at the time. But at the same time I always thought of my ex. I would compare any other girl I met to her and none added up, because they weren’t her. I began to miss her.

    After about a year or so after we had broken up, while she was still with this guy, she called me up and asked if I still loved her. Right then I knew she wasn’t over me. For the next 4 years, while she stayed with this guy (through their physical fights, emotional abuse, and her disconnection from her family), she and I would talk and eventually go on dates without her boyfriend knowing. These dates were no more than dinner, talking, reminiscing at times, and the hug good-bye. Often our conversations would hit pretty close to home, sometimes telling one another that we still loved each other. At times one or the other of us would have to cut it off and we couldn’t talk anymore because she could never find herself to separate herself from the boyfriend. This then developed into us spilling all our feelings for each other and a night where she cheated on her boyfriend with me. She told him what she had done, but he manipulated her back into staying with him. She was always looking for a way out but could never take the plunge. This sent me into a downward spin and I lost all self-esteem. I’m better now but, I still haven’t completely gotten back on my feet from it.

    She recently broke up with her boyfriend, moved out of his place, and in with her sister. She contacted me the day she moved out and wanted to clear the air between us. We have been talking since then and kicking around the idea of getting back together. I know she isn’t ready because she is still in shock over the old boyfriend (a month and a half after 5 years with this guy). I feel that she just needs a close friend to help her find herself again, not a boyfriend. I care for her so much and something inside me won’t let me give up on her. we have already been on dates, but sometimes it feels like she is forcing herself into being kind of lovey dovey with me to just keep me in her back pocket for when she does decide she is ready to take the next step. I don’t want her to force anything. I like that she wants me in her life, but I think she needs me to be that guy that listens and gives advice. As well as that guy that tells her ass to get on the back of my four-wheeler and hold on tight. She just needs some good o’l fashion fun and excitement to take her mind off all of her other stresses. If it is meant to be between us something will just click inside of us both and we’ll be crazy about each other once again.

    Don’t you just hate the ones that hold that soft spot in your heart for the rest of your life and there isn’t anything you can do about it. I feel lucky to have a second chance with this girl. I hope she feels the same.

    -Note: what you can learn from this is to not be afraid to go back to an ex, especially if the breakup wasn’t ugly. Don’t try and force it back to the way it was, have fun and enjoy the other person. Things may fall in place as time goes on……if it is meant to be it will work out just fine.

    • Stefanie says:

      Hey Big Guy,

      thanks for your story. I know what you mean. you can date a lot of people but there is always this one person that someone you seem never to get over with.
      I kinda had the same with my former boyfriend. For some reason we also found a way to reconnect again, but also on a more friendship basis.
      I agree that you should not just erase people out if your mind or heart, especially when you were very much in love.
      But I realized that somehow no matter how good you get along after a break-up, it is very very difficult to not love this person anymore.
      I had remember my ex and I, we had great conversations an d I loved talking to him “as a friend” but somehow, the past always kinda caught up. I was waiting for him to make a move towards me, to tell me what he wanted, fight for me or so… but he did not really respond (not the way I wanted him to).
      I ended up feeling very lonely.
      I wish you the best, but I just wanted to tell that sometimes it may be better to let go completely in order to really growth and develop.
      That is what i am trying to do now. I still like my ex, maybe I still have feelings I don´t know. But I had to make a cut in order to not sit around and wait for him to be more than just friends again one day.
      People may change, but instead of waiting you have to look at yourself and evaluate what you want/need now…
      I am not a pessimist when it comes to love, not at all. I just know that waiting for something to happen can cause even more pain than to just leave “old feelings, friends, partners” behind and open yourself up to new things.
      You can keep the good moments in your heart, you know. You won´t lose them.


  5. sherribaby says:

    WOW Big Guy, I needed to read that. I haven’t told my story here yet – just been on this site every day for a month and slowly healing. Like another poster said, “2 steps forward, 1 step back.” I perked up reading your post because you sound like the guy that just broke my heart.

    My Story…
    I have dated D for 12 years and we have a 6 year old daughter. He is 58 and I am 47. We have gone through a lot in these years (mainly his midlife freakout when I became pregnant with our daughter.) We get along well now and he says our daughter and I are his reason for living. I am very secure with the knowledge that this man loves me very much and will be by my side forever.

    About 5 months ago, I went to the bar with a couple girlfriends and I met J. He was handsome and funny. He was 41 and an ex high-school and college quarterback. We became fast friends and began texting and met for dinner a few times. He was a single dad with a 3 year old daughter that i fell in love with. We were able to talk about anything and we both felt that we understood eachother so well. He lived 3 blocks from me and it became a very convenient friendship until I fell in love with him.

    Soon, I told my boyfriend about him and we broke up. It was devastating for him and I felt so bad for him and what I was doing to our daughter. All I thought about was my incredible attraction to J and that we would be together. He had told me on many occasions that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he liked me so much that he had been talking to his mom about me. She had warned him to be careful because he would get his heart hurt if I went back to my exboyfriend. He had joked a few times that he didn’t know what I wanted with him and that I was way out of his league. My boyfriend is a wealthy business owner and J was a 70 hour a week car salesman. But I am not a money motivated person and couldn’t care less.

    Well…I guess the inevitable happened. Once J could have me, he started becoming unavailable…going days without a call and rarely replying to my texts. When I confronted him (found him in a bar) he said that he was a loser that could never make me happy anyway. He said he was a bachelor and that his life was work and sports and drinking. “This is who I am.” he said. Also, that he wasn’t the “relationship type.” He said he could tell I was used to way more than he could ever give. He also said I was the closest thing he had to an “emotional connection” with anyone. Then he left the bar out the back door.

    I was so hurt and angry and confused that I texted him 20 messages all night. I received one text from him the next morning saying he got sick and had to leave the night before and he would call me after work. I told him not to bother. I did contact him a week ago when I drunk texted him… “you ran away before you even found out what i wanted.” The next morning he called but I was too embarassed to answer the phone.

    It has been 4 weeks since I have seen him and I have spent most of it reading, reading and rereading the articles on this website. My exboyfriend knows everything and says he is willing to forgive me if I will go to couples counseling. It is a fight between my head and my heart.

    D is such a good man but I don’t feel the attraction and passion I felt for J. How can I make a life with D when J is on my mind everyday? I remember someone telling me years ago that if you see someone that you have such a magnetism for, you should run the other way as fast as you can. I sure wish I would have.

  6. sherry says:

    I got played big time by a smooth talking german guy who was on a free dating site..his id name was andy12345a. I think he is married or living with a partner because for months he was very secretive about where he lived and blocked his phone number from showing, never wanted to go out, used his job as a excuse and usually wanted to come over during lunch. When he first contacted me he said he was single but after a year of seeing him, he was still blocking his phone number from showing so I started to think he must be living with a partner. By that time I was emotionally hooked on him. I took this from him for a year and during that year he kept chasing other girls on the free dating site and cheated on me too. I feel devastated emotionally and have been depressed. My self esteem has been dragged down too. In the first 2 months of meeting him he said he “thought” he was falling in love with me but I realize now it was just words he said to get me in bed. After he got sex he started cheating on me with other girls on the dating site and lying about it. Told me I was the only one he was talking to but he was on the site every day. I am still trying to get over this. I have not talked to him in months and am working on repairing my self esteem.

  7. Peg says:

    I didn’t he would be one of those men that do the things you said these a*sclowns do – but he did and you were right. After 4 months of dropping out of sight with no call or reason why, I read your books over and over, ever single day. I loved him, he “loved me but not the way I loved him”. How stupid of me. I tried so hard for the no-contact rule and I was doing really well. Then, 4 months later, a text on a Sunday afternoon. He was thinking about me on Father’s Day because my dad had died right before he dropped out. How sweet. We started texting (no, no phone call) – I had lots of questions that I needed answers for -(did he miss me, I wished!) So he came over to explain (he “had so many problems”) and you guessed it – we ended up in bed. He leaves, nothing for the next 4 days. It starts all over again. Lots of texts, nothing else. Lots of sexy talk. The weekend comes, he drops out. After 3 weeks now, lots of texts, that’s it. “Hello sexy, how are you today?” He just wants to play at work when he’s bored and get turned-on. He sucked me right back in – it was so easy for him! I beat myself up for falling for it. Now I have to start all over again. I only hope this time it takes a lot less time to KNOW FOR SURE that I don’t ever want contact with him again. From this day forward, I won’t let another man treat me so badly.


  8. Peg says:

    I didn’t think he would be one of those men that do the things you said these a*sclowns do – but he did and you were right. After 4 months of dropping out of sight with no call or reason why, I read your books over and over, ever single day. I loved him, he “loved me but not the way I loved him”. How stupid of me. I tried so hard for the no-contact rule and I was doing really well. Then, 4 months later, a text on a Sunday afternoon. He was thinking about me on Father’s Day because my dad had died right before he dropped out. How sweet. We started texting (no, no phone call) – I had lots of questions that I needed answers for -(did he miss me, I wished!) So he came over to explain (he “had so many problems”) and you guessed it – we ended up in bed. He leaves, nothing for the next 4 days. It starts all over again. Lots of texts, nothing else. Lots of sexy talk. The weekend comes, he drops out. After 3 weeks now, lots of texts, that’s it. “Hello sexy, how are you today?” He just wants to play at work when he’s bored and get turned-on. He sucked me right back in – it was so easy for him! I beat myself up for falling for it. Now I have to start all over again. I only hope this time it takes a lot less time to KNOW FOR SURE that I don’t ever want contact with him again. From this day forward, I won’t let another man treat me so badly.


  9. kelly says:

    I love this site!! Everything that I have been thru recently has been captured in your articles, and I have gained so much valuable insight. I finally cut off contact with my MUA/AC after 10 months last Saturday. Things started off great, It was a happy seven months, then he started blowing hot and cold. The past three months have been torture. I kept asking if his feelings changed, because his behavior changed. He kept saying no. (I learned to pay more attention to actions than words). He completely changed the way he talked to me – no more affectionate words – baby, babe, boo, etc. I could tell something had changed, but he kept saying it was me assuming stuff. So, Saturday I finally just let him know this wasn’t working and to stop contacting me. Guess what he said??? I thought we can still be friends! I told him that is not going to work for me. I am relieved that it is over, no more hot and cold, no more guessing, worrying or wondering. I do miss the good times we used to share, but i realize he is not that person and never will be.

    • feeldumb says:

      wow, good for you. At least you realize it isn’t working and that you can’t be friends. thats great :-)

  10. Stephanie oliveira says:

    Wow bigguy i give you a lot of credit for doing what you did but yeah like you said theres a soft spot we cant control im dealing with the same thing.

    I was with someone for 4 years , We met at a concert in the city and i tell you it was love at first sight.. the last year of our relationship was really hectic breaking up getting back together trying to fix something we simply could not.. Me being a fool I always took him back and accepted his apologies to me
    we had sort of a long distance relationship but he was only 2 hours away and we would spend weekends together and try to spend as much time together as we could.. The Last straw of our relationship was pretty bad the last 6 months we decided to break up again and i actually moved on and found a new boy friend , Nothing like my previous ex but completely different in may ways.. So my ex decides to Email , call me crying , begging for me back promising my hand in marriage… That he has made a terrible mistake of leaving me… so 2-3 months later I still felt in my heart that i loved him so i started to see him again and broke it off with the other person i was seeing but we kept in touch.. So we see each other again everything is fine for a few weeks maybe 2 months top.. He changes his mind again and breaks up with me!!!! I was getting really MAD and aggravated he promised to marry me he promised me so many things and decides to break up with me over a text message.. He has never made the time to come and see me for closure mailed my things back said he couldn’t be with me that it’s not the right choice for him.. Ok then what is .. I understand were in our early 20’s but we were together since I was 17 and he was 18 and being together for 4 years should be a big deal to anyone! We decided to stop talking yeah i sent him occasional texts and emails and so did he … So time goes on he ends up being in another relationship after 7 months of us separating… When he has told me one of the reasons we were breaking up is cause he wanted to be free and live his young years without being tied down.. So can someone explain to me WHY? is he already with someone else?? Iv’e tried to talk to him as friends and he is telling me his new gf won’t allow him to talk to me anymore… I have had encounters with her over emails and calls because she happens to know who i am because of him and i feel its a little weird how she’s controlling him and him being ok with it.. She has texted me saying i think he may be in love with you still and she feels a threat towards me talking to him… Which makes no sense cause he is flaunting his relationship and posting photos of her every 2 seconds saying how in love they are when they only been together for 3-4 months.. I dont get it… Can someone explain to me WHAT IS GOING ON?? is he trying so hard to make me jealous and upset ??? I would love a few responses to people to help me better understand this…

    • Fearless says:


      what I don’t get is that if you two or he ended the relationship why are you emailing and texting each other, texting his girlfriend about him, looking at his facebook. Over means over. Finished means finished. I know it hurts but you need to butt out of his life (have him and new g/f butt out of yours if they’re inclined to butt in) and get on with your own life. There’s been too much drama (it sounds exhausting), too much back and forth, so that when you’re broke up you’re still acting like you’re not broke up. You broke up! He made his choice (err… he has chosen and unchosen quite a few times in fact – what does he think this is, pick-and-mix?). Let him live with his choice this time and stop hanging around on the sidelines with your binoculars, taking notes doing the calculations and waiting to see if he’ll change his mind – again! Don’t give him the chance to reject you – again. The matter is done. Let them get on with it. Switch him off. It’s a bad drama (and it sounds like you are creating most of it).

30-Day Project: Dealing With Tricky Family Members

Tired of dealing with family drama or waiting for them to spontaneously combust in to changed people? Need to find ways to step back and take proactive steps to redefine the relationship from your end? This 30-Day project will help you do just that.

30-Day Project: Dealing With Tricky Family Members

Tired of dealing with family drama or waiting for them to spontaneously combust in to changed people? Need to find ways to step back and take proactive steps to redefine the relationship from your end? This 30-Day project will help you do just that.