There are many questions that burn through our mind when a relationship ends. It may be because he ended it or because you cut contact with him, but many of us get caught up in the futile game of wondering:
Does he miss me?
Does the assclown or Mr Unavailable who didn’t give me what I want/treat me decently when we were together, finally realise what he’s missing?
Does he miss me enough for things to be different this time?
Yep, you’re looking for validation again. That and a potential opportunity to stay invested in the hope that this time he’s changed.
Don’t get me wrong, missing someone is natural, particularly if you have a lot riding on that person, but expending brain energy pondering whether he misses you is another sign that you’re too busy concerning yourself with him.
For a start, ask yourself if you miss him and if you do, ask yourself why.
Often when I speak to women or read comments on this blog about missing someone, it’s not ‘him’ that’s missed; it’s drama, sex, routine, security of having someone (anyone), the dream, the illusion, and the irrational idea that the hidden decent committed man within might pop out whilst your back is turned.
That aside, what is the point of wondering if someone misses you? It’s not enough, especially when he may be missing you for the wrong reasons:
I miss you because you were always so willing to let me get away with anything until you got a crazy idea into your head to cut contact with me.
I miss you because I miss getting a shag.
I miss you because my ego needs a massage.
I miss you because I need you to play armchair psychologist and listen to all of my problems.
I miss the you that believed I was a decent guy.
I miss you because the thought of having to start over with another woman makes me weary – she’ll just want more from me too.
I miss you because it’s not the same now that I can’t call you up late at night or once in a blue moon and come and get laid.
I miss you because you tried so hard to please me all the time.
The thing is, once again, the whole missing you thing has got to be about actions, not words.
Whilst your ego may be out of joint because you feel rejected, you will feel even more rejected if you keep pursuing validation and still ultimately end up back at square one.
If he’s going to miss you, he needs to act like it, not by saying it, or sending you a text/email, or instant message (lazy communication) but by missing you so much that he backs this up with actions by sorting himself out, because trust me, missing you is not enough.
There is only so long that you can dine off those hollow words for before you realise that he may ‘miss’ you, but it’s not enough. He may miss you but it doesn’t mean it’s love.
You are looking for him to validate not only your decision to end it by showing remorse, but also the energy that you expended during the relationship. If he didn’t validate you during the relationship, it’s probably not best to expect it from him now that it’s over.
These men are often not only disconnected from their emotions but are also disconnected from their actions. They don’t have that kind of insight so you’ve now gone from attempting to extract love and a committed relationship from a poor source, to chasing regret, acknowledgment and validation.
Does he miss you? Who cares? Well actually you do but if it’s a Mr Unavailable you’re wondering this about, it’s just another indication that you need to focus some of your energy dealing with your own issues so that you don’t wonder why people who don’t treat you with love, care, and respect are missing you and focus on gravitating to people that do.
You can’t just switch off how you feel for someone. It takes time to heal but heal you will if you put the focus on you. Deal with your own stuff and then ask yourself if you care whether he misses you. What I do know us that you’re worth a damn sight more than someone who ‘misses’ you – be with someone who wants to put both of their feet in and love you now and who will sort himself because the fear of losing you and being put in the position of having to ‘miss’ you is not one that he’s prepared to realise.