There are many questions that burn through our mind when a relationship ends. It may be because he ended it or because you cut contact with him, but many of us get caught up in the futile game of wondering:
Does he miss me?
or decoded:
Does the assclown or Mr Unavailable who didn’t give me what I want/treat me decently when we were together, finally realise what he’s missing?
Does he miss me enough for things to be different this time?
Yep, you’re looking for validation again. That and a potential opportunity to stay invested in the hope that this time he’s changed.
Don’t get me wrong, missing someone is natural, particularly if you have a lot riding on that person, but expending brain energy pondering whether he misses you is another sign that you’re too busy concerning yourself with him.
For a start, ask yourself if you miss him and if you do, ask yourself why.
Often when I speak to women or read comments on this blog about missing someone, it’s not ‘him’ that’s missed; it’s drama, sex, routine, security of having someone (anyone), the dream, the illusion, and the irrational idea that the hidden decent committed man within might pop out whilst your back is turned.
That aside, what is the point of wondering if someone misses you? It’s not enough, especially when he may be missing you for the wrong reasons:
I miss you because you were always so willing to let me get away with anything until you got a crazy idea into your head to cut contact with me.
I miss you because I miss getting a shag.
I miss you because my ego needs a massage.
I miss you because I need you to play armchair psychologist and listen to all of my problems.
I miss the you that believed I was a decent guy.
I miss you because the thought of having to start over with another woman makes me weary – she’ll just want more from me too.
I miss you because it’s not the same now that I can’t call you up late at night or once in a blue moon and come and get laid.
I miss you because you tried so hard to please me all the time.
The thing is, once again, the whole missing you thing has got to be about actions, not words.
Whilst your ego may be out of joint because you feel rejected, you will feel even more rejected if you keep pursuing validation and still ultimately end up back at square one.
If he’s going to miss you, he needs to act like it, not by saying it, or sending you a text/email, or instant message (lazy communication) but by missing you so much that he backs this up with actions by sorting himself out, because trust me, missing you is not enough.
There is only so long that you can dine off those hollow words for before you realise that he may ‘miss’ you, but it’s not enough. He may miss you but it doesn’t mean it’s love.
You are looking for him to validate not only your decision to end it by showing remorse, but also the energy that you expended during the relationship. If he didn’t validate you during the relationship, it’s probably not best to expect it from him now that it’s over.
These men are often not only disconnected from their emotions but are also disconnected from their actions. They don’t have that kind of insight so you’ve now gone from attempting to extract love and a committed relationship from a poor source, to chasing regret, acknowledgment and validation.
Does he miss you? Who cares? Well actually you do but if it’s a Mr Unavailable you’re wondering this about, it’s just another indication that you need to focus some of your energy dealing with your own issues so that you don’t wonder why people who don’t treat you with love, care, and respect are missing you and focus on gravitating to people that do.
You can’t just switch off how you feel for someone. It takes time to heal but heal you will if you put the focus on you. Deal with your own stuff and then ask yourself if you care whether he misses you. What I do know us that you’re worth a damn sight more than someone who ‘misses’ you – be with someone who wants to put both of their feet in and love you now and who will sort himself because the fear of losing you and being put in the position of having to ‘miss’ you is not one that he’s prepared to realise.
Your thoughts?
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NML – thank you so much for this. I am on day 11 NC and yes, I wonder if he misses me and I so want to get an email from him saying he does, but you are right – if he misses anything it would be every single one of the items on your list (except the calling at night – he rarely called, just IM’d or emailed).
Yes, I miss the online chats, the emails, the drama, the excitement of finally getting that email after he “disappeared†for 4 days and feeling the flood of relief. But I *don’t* miss the actual waiting for the email, or waiting for him to come online, or waiting for *him* to suggest us getting together this time instead of me, or any of the other 101 ways he made me feel crappy when we were together.
I do *not* want to end up at square one and go through this horrible withdrawal again. I am going to focus on me for a change – one step at a time – by getting back to that girlfriend who wants to have lunch with me this week, and actually suggesting a time we can meet! Thanks again NML et al.
“You are looking for him to validate not only your decision to end it by showing remorse, but also the energy that you expended during the relationship. If he didn’t validate you during the relationship, it’s probably not best to expect it from him now that it’s over.”
I agree with this-I think this is what I was looking for when preparing my “final” email to him. You are correct-I am angry about the amount of energy I spent during the last 2 months-time I will never get back. However, I am going to work at not be bitter. Bitterness only hurts you-not the other party. Chances are-they have gone on with their lives and not given you another thought. In the case of EAMs, they are most likely on the hunt for the next “victim.”
Spot on NML, fab post!! will print this one up!
Men use “I miss you” sometimes because its what they know we want to hear. We melt in our chairs when we hear it over the phone or see it come through on a text or email. For a minute, its just the words we were looking for, at just the right time. We say: FINALLY! He misses me, he has realized what a mistake it has been to have broken up and we let our guards down only to realize that they have used these words like many others at other times because they KNOW this is what we NEED to hear in order for us to fall for it again. They are such manipulators and we are such easy targets. They play a dirty game with our minds, our hearts, our self esteem and not once think about the repercussions of their actions or words because all these types of men think about is themselves!!! They use these “words” to suit “THEM” to get what they “WANT” out of us. These words are only a tool to them please do not be deceived!
“What I do know us that you’re worth a damn sight more than someone who ‘misses’ you – be with someone who wants to put both of their feet in and love you now and who will sort himself because the fear of losing you and being put in the position of having to ‘miss’ you is not one that he’s prepared to realise.”
NML, this is a great statement because had these men really loved us or cared about the relationship, your’re right, they would have never risked losing us to begin with. I have an X that all of a sudden has been emailing me talking about how much he has missed me. Its been 3 years and approx 2 relationships (on his end) since we dated. Uhm……. are you serious? Were the words that came into my head. While my sister and many others have said: Oh, just give him a chance, sometimes people dont know what they have till its gone.” That sort of thinking is what gets us stuck and it is a place I no longer wish to be. He is seriously digging up old memories of places we used to go and things we used to do and talking about “I Miss us” and we should get back together”. I want to laugh because 3 years later is when you all of a sudden miss me? And what balls you have to really think you got it like that and that Im still pining for you or waiting for you! You have seriously too much ego!! I dont think you were missing me that much when I found out you were cheating and lieing to me. I tell you, some men really think that their BS doesnt smell like BS and its up to us women to be strong enough and savvy enough to catch when the wool is being pulled over our eyes. The reality is, he just recently broke up with the last woman he was with, is lonely, bored, and uses the words “I Miss you” because he “thinks” im gonna melt and its the words ive been waiting to hear for 3 years!!! I know many women may think this is harsh or that I’m being too tough or that im bitter etc… but I dont think so!!! I honestly think that not enough of us women give ourselves enough credit or love ourselves enough to be able to keep our guard up when its necessary. We want to believe in the fairytale so much more than we want to believe in reality and men know this. AC’s and EUM’s especially. I’m not saying that there aren’t men out there that mean these things, Im talking about these guys like NML says that have not treated us right, appreciated us when they had us and are now talking about “I miss you” or “I still love you”. I rather go with what NML said: If you would have really loved me and appreciated me, you wouldnt have risked letting me go or treating me the way you did to begin with!! 3 years later honey and you think you still have a chance?? If it werent for me finding this site and really changing the way i approached relationships… i might be jumping up for joy that this man has finally come back into my life and I would actually be buying that it took him two other women and 3 years to realize that “I am the one”!!! So scary to think that i was that girl once but relieved to see that i have grown tremendously and that CHANGE can occurr if we are willing to really change ourselves. The minute that happens, its almost like magic that these men no longer seem attractive to us, and we can smell, sense and see right past BS when it comes knocking on our doors!… I am proof of that!! Thanks NML!! 🙂
Lol: “Does he miss you? Who cares”. That made me laugh.
But it’s right – it’s some kind of vanity for me, that I don’t want him (or any of them back) but, yes, I want them to hurt over the realisation of just what they lost.
You know, I honestly think some of them will in time… but who cares? I don’t want to sit waiting to see who/which or how! Time to move on now, to better pastures and better occupations.
I am enjoying this site. I do intend to really learn from it – for my own sake.
Thank you, Leonine.
Perfect timing as ever NML, get out of my head!
I’ve just about stopped wondering if he misses me (I realise the sludge got stirred with an anniversary) but reading those points – well what can I say, bing bing bing bing – my favourite was “misses the you that thought he was a decent guy”.
Well – if he does – tough! I have no desire to go back into an “Aren’t I cute? Aren’t I the funniest guy?”. No dude, you’re truly to be pitied if that wasn’t too much investment!!
I blew out a guy today. Funny, intelligent, sexy and amazingly good looking – and screamingly bad for me, he couldn’t have had more red flags if he’d have been wearing nothing but red flags. He was stunned – and his reaction was interesting, ranging from telling me exactly how my perception was wrong when I said I didn’t think we were a match, to trying to lecture me about myself and my intellectual processes (nice try Mr) and finally to apparent indifference when the blowing hot and then attempts to hook in and condition lead nowhere. I’ve no plans to be a notch on his bedpost no matter how sexy he is.
Did it feel good, did it make me feel wonderful and powerful? No. I’d take that as a very bad sign if it did. However, it also didn’t make me feel bad – just that I was making a decision which ultimately I’d not regret at some point down the line.
“What I do know us that you’re worth a damn sight more than someone who ‘misses’ you – be with someone who wants to put both of their feet in and love you now and who will sort himself because the fear of losing you and being put in the position of having to ‘miss’ you is not one that he’s prepared to realise.”
Ohhhhh yeah! 😉 When I’m pining for him…and, ok, I do. When I’m wondering if he misses me, and how long it will last with his current chick and who will be next, and if he loves her, and if/when he’ll come crawling back cuz there’s no one left to talk/whine to…something rational finally shakes down in me and I have to ask myself, is that what you really want to take place? Really? You want him to come back when he’s done messing around with everyone he can – friends included, when he’s lonely and dejected and finally ready to settle down? Do you really want to be his last resort, the only one who will put up with all his b-sh*t and then actually have to LIVE with that b-sh*t for the rest of your days?! Is that what you want for your life?!
Sadly, a little and shrinking part of me says, “Yeah, I want him, I looove him.” Boo hoo. As Woody Allen said, “The heart wants what it wants.” But, the heart is a child and a child wants, but doesn’t know what is best for her.
A stronger and growing part of me says, “F-that!” This is MY life…and I could build a fabulous one. And I will not sacrifice it to play doormat to an AC. I will not move to the edges of my life while his fat a$$ sits in the center like a greedy baby.
Grrr. I’m mad. Ha ha! 🙂
Love to everyone going NC. It will be one month Thursday for me!
WOW!!!
I needed to hear that! I had hoped that he would realize what he lost and miss me. WHY? I think there is too much water under that bridge now. The point about just needing validation is exactly right. But validation coming from an Assclown? It’s never going to happen. He will miss all the things you listed, I’m sure. But I don’t care anymore. He has been taking up way too much space in my head lately. Thank you for this timely post!
PlanetJane
“Ohhhhh yeah! When I’m pining for him…and, ok, I do. When I’m wondering if he misses me, and how long it will last with his current chick and who will be next, and if he loves her, and if/when he’ll come crawling back cuz there’s no one left to talk/whine to…something rational finally shakes down in me and I have to ask myself, is that what you really want to take place? Really? You want him to come back when he’s done messing around with everyone he can – friends included, when he’s lonely and dejected and finally ready to settle down? Do you really want to be his last resort, the only one who will put up with all his b-sh*t and then actually have to LIVE with that b-sh*t for the rest of your days?! Is that what you want for your life?!”
I am going to print this out and tape it everywhere! This says everything that has been running through my head. Awesome!!
PlanetJane what you just contributed is so close to home that I couldn’t have said it better myself 🙂 And it made me feel good and strong in myself. Since the breakup evenings get me down as I find myself reminiscing and brooding.
Thanks to ALL 🙂
7 days of NC and feeling stronger everyday!
I need help..
this is tough for me to do but I am going to cut and paste a response to an action I have done. Basically I had sent him a text (it’s new realionship and till this everything seemed to be easy and fine, no expectations)….and he did not respond, after five day’s of him not responding I send another one calling off a date we had for later this week. this was his response.
I think you’re upset with me for not responding. This bothers me a great deal. Whenever I show a kindness or a share a feeling with you I don’t expect anything in return, I want to share and that is all.
I want to enjoy the time that we have, share in each others company, feel safe and comfortable with you. I have no plans, other than to do just that. Enjoy the time that we have, no strings attached, expectations or bullshit.
I actually felt the want in your message, the expectation and the need for confirmation.
Whatever you’re thinking, feeling, wanting, expecting or else has nothing to do with me. I’m there with and for you when I am with you and that should bloody well be enough!
You create everything for yourself, I create everything for myself. We either connect when we’re together or we don’t at all. I do not appreciate being burdened with your fantasies, because I will never be able to live up to them! Not even if I wanted to!
It’s me now. I did not send him a fantasy or in any way project anything onto him.
I wrote back to him saying, ‘I am not a ‘no strings attached kind of girl’ and feel you are projecting this onto me. I also finished the email with.. Maybe we are just friends after all and thats fine.
Please tell me what I should be feeling cause with this to be honest, I don’t want to see him ever again. Am I right???
De
@De – lighted to be free
It sounds like he wants a no strings attached relationship – I fully agree. He sounds EU to me, and his response to you I find disturbing (I was imagining receiving the message myself) especially this part – “I’m there with and for you when I am with you and that should bloody well be enough!”
Wow, that does not sound like much of a relationship – it sounds like he wants to compartmentalize you and the time he spends with you as separate from the rest of his life. How long have you known him? Are you in a physically intimate relationship with him? Sorry to be nosy, just trying to get a handle on the relationship.
It doesn’t sound like he plans to miss you at all between your times together! I can’t tell you how to feel, but reading his response kind of made me imagine a selfish person who wants whatever he can get out of you on *his* terms. Do you agree? Have you listened to the song “I do not hook up?” I think by Kelly Clarkson? That’s what your response to him reminded me of.
I think you need to get “de-lighted to be free” from him, too!!! Sorry.
De, he sounds like a total assclown! This is what they do, turn the tide so you feel crazy… if your instincts are saying don’t see him… Leave skidmarks thus proving his theory wrong, youre not needy, u dont care!! NC end of story… I really hate it when guys pull that ZEN BS on us.. again, making us feel insane for wanting common courtesy.. ..
Good luck!
DL
WOW, after 6 months, I am still wondering and hoping my AC misses me, but as this article clearly states, and as I have known for some time, if he missed me, he wouldn’t have ever done anything to me or us to jeapordize our relationship in the first place, and would not have gone 6 months without telling me he loved me. I told him that he should know immediately in his heart after something happens that might tear us apart, whether or not he could live his life without me in it. Well 6 months later, I got my answer. I miss him like a crazy person. And I know each day that passes, there is really no point in him contacting me, because too much time has passed for him to appear genuinely in love with me. I get it. I don’t want his sloppy seconds, I wanted to be valued, important, loved, relied upon etc. He has not shown an ounce of remorse for the demise of our relationship. He was the type of ahole that would only text me, would rarely call, and he didn’t have the excuse that he lived far away, he lived two doors down. I knew when he could see me by looking out from my yard. Mmmmm, he sure had no problems making time to see the married woman across the street though, they spend time together daily.
Waiting for him to show his remorse has been the worst, because that has never happened.
Karen: I thought not hearing from him for 6 months was bad enough, but AC is coming around after 3 years acting like he expects you to perk up and take him back again. Hell! I don’t want to be with any man who will let me go – a week, 6 months, 3 years. I know exactly what you are going through. Everything you said is right on as always! I love reading your posts. And my AC also really doesn’t think his shit stinks, really! So why do I still miss HIM? UGHHHHHH!
Like Leonine said: I want him to hurt from the realization of what he lost. I think for me it is about wanting to know that he misses me so I can have my dignity back. I just can’t seem to restore what he took from me, and I am still trying HARD.
Saying “I miss you” is one thing, but if it is not backed up with seeing you and actions and treating you properly, nothing they can say will ever stand up. You can’t even believe that I miss you’s and apologies from a pathological liar.
De-lightedtobefree,
“Please tell me what I should be feeling cause with this to be honest, I don’t want to see him ever again. Am I right???”
Geez! What a lecture you got eh? For someone who wants to “Enjoy the time that we have, no strings attached, expectations or bullshit,” he sure shovelled a heap load of expectations, strings, bullshit and dare I say…drama? onto you! Sounds like he knows exactly how he wants things to go – and honey, those are expectations (on his part), make no mistake.
I’m no one to give advice – recovering fbg here – but I say, if you’re being honest when you say you don’t want to see him again, then of course you’re right!
Sounds to me like you two are just on different pages. Don’t beat yourself up, and don’t ever let him beat you up either!
Devastated and Rosanna,
Yay! I’m glad you could find some strength in my experience. This website has been SO helpful to me as well – don’t know what I would have done without it. It’s so nice that we can connect and support each other…and vent 🙂
Love.
@de-lightedtobefree
Run like your hair is on fire! (and don’t look back)
THis email wreaks of “I’m full of myself”!!! But there is another post on this site by NML some time back which states, the EUM is telling you where they are at and for some reason we are not listening to what they are saying to us.
We’re projecting ourselves onto them – expecting them to feel as we do and for anyone who’s been to this site before we know that these assclowns don’t work that way. They don’t think and feel for one thing, they just do stuff. They do stuff which suits them, never mind how it may affect you or your feelings. They think…”Heck that’s her problem if she doesn’t like how I treat her. This is all I’m going to do, and this is all she’s going to get from me.”
When I read the response your rec’d from your EUM I just felt numb and maybe I got another shot of reality. The reality being that these assclowns all sound the same. The same aloofness, the same coldness, the same don’t expect from me attitudes. It’s disgusting, and it’s sickening.
As NML says “Who cares if they miss you?”
As Karen said “they KNOW this is what we NEED to hear in order for us to fall for it again.”
Cut contact now, stick with it and get on with your life. You deserve so much better than what he could ever be or give you.
@de-lightedtobefree:
how is feeling safe and comfortable translate into dont expect anything from me? He really needs to get a clue! Because that is what he is saying: DONT expect anything from me, I dont want to be held accountable, I dont want show up for my part in this “potential” relationship. Just be ok with what i want and how i want it and when i want it. He is already “managing down your expectations” as NML would call it. He is setting up the relationship under his terms with his conditions meanwhile, all you expected was a response back to a text/phone call. I really hope you run away from this person like the plague. Not only is he arrogant in his response for someone who is new and you just started dating… but how dare he say: “I’m there with and for you when I am with you and that should bloody well be enough!” Uhm, no honey for him to already be talking to you like that is not a good sign! I’m telling you, these men are really manipulative. Please by no means think you have done anything wrong by “expecting” him to respond to your text/email and then proceeding to cancel a future planned date. Your instincts were right on to not waste your time with someone who can’t even respond to an email. But he sure did have time and made the effort to respond to your cancellation didnt he? He is playing games and does in no way qualify for good dating material let alone a relationship! I truly hope you continue to walk the other way. Good luck! 😉
I feel blessed to have you all respond so immediately to my mail 🙂 and I love your responses, I wan tto thank youall indiidually but the damned names are getting mixed upin my head ‘dlite, betterwithout him, Planet Jane, not meant to be with him…I think I go tyou all. I am reading and re-reading your wonderful wonderful messages and from crying half an hour ago to my heart filling with love for you. Thank you, really.
Thing is he has been trying for months to bed me and I have been playing it very cool, trying to establish a foundation, a friendship for the base of something. Thats why we have gotten to the point of safe and easy around each other, no drama. He gave me an ultimatum a few weeks ago, I said I wasn’t sure cause I wanted to get it to another level.. the one past dinner, movie, hanging out one night during the week, to weekend days, going places and stuff. So I gave in, he told me he loved me. But you know I new he was this. I’ve been reading this site every day to hold onto my strength, I did not give him my heat, I stayed true to myself and I was testing him. Well now he has shown his true colors. I will run with my hair on fire 🙂 I will find that music track by Kelly 🙂 It was a lecture wasn’t it..:)
No one beats me up!!!!
I told him in my return email, If I could not feel safe to be fully me, including my spontaniety then this is a no go. I do not want to feel like I have done something wrong for being me!!
As my Mum used to say, pleanty more rubbish at the dump i thats the way you want to go. No thanks!!
I’m glad me posting his mail here has also given some reality, please see it as the mail you will have gotten from your mean man.
kisses to you all
I am de-lightedtobefree again 🙂
I dont think the EUM knows what means to realy miss somebody.My ex used to say he missed me when he were away traveling but he would take almost a whole day to let me know that he had arrived,honestly who that miss somebody does that? When you miss somebody you want to be with that person as soon as possible.I do wonder if he still miss me sometimes yes(we are 7 months break up today) and I do miss him,but I think I miss the ilusion and the dream like NML said.If I ask myself why I miss him,I mean what were so great about him or the relationship for me to miss I cant answer.He didnt seem to have what I wanted in a bf and I was constantly unhappy on the relationship so what there is to miss actualy? Im holding strong on NC(12 weeks tomorrow) and plan to keep doing so,I thought about breaking it a few times but would be throwing all the effort I made until today away and I know how wasnt easy to get here so I cant do that.Good post and all the best to everybody here 🙂
Please excuse all the spelling, tears in my eyes are making the focus blurred, but a happy heart. thanks Karen!!
de-lightedtobefree,your EUM looks a lot like mine.He would get mad at me and complain when I asked him to do his part on the relationship.I heard similar things that you did too,I guess they think that just being there is enough and that they dont need to do anything a relationship requires like contact us often and so on.Like I said many times to my ex,they think a relationship is something you do when you have nothing better to do without any comitment and strings.Once I asked him often he would like to contact me and he said “I dont know,it depends.One week can be 3 times a week,the next once a week,the other every two weeks.It depends how I fell like”.That isnt a relationship,at least not in my opinion.I know is hard but just go away from it,he cant give you what you want and isnt worth all the suffer realy.
How many times did I hear “I miss you”. My last conversation before the disappearing act he pulled – started out I MISS YOU LET’S PLAN A VISIT…I had heard “I miss you” a few too many times – and I called him on THAT and a few other things…we talked it out…He said it again…and looking forward to seeing me…after that call: POOF…That was January. I got weak and sent a text a few weeks ago…shockingly he responded…indicated he wanted to explain his behavior (at some future moment I assume) and ended: “I do miss you”. Never heard from him…and I am sure he expects me to call him. Sorry…I already made the mistake by breaking the NC rule…and I got the “I miss you” again.
Yes, everyone NC…really sucks…but it is awful when you break it…the sadness and humiliation come back. Yes, does he miss me…no doubt he misses – but only small pieces of me. There is not a doubt in my mind he has some superficial girl-of-the-moment to shade his misery…then it will be on to the next. Everything that NML said above.
@de-lighted to be free
Just as betterwithouthim says-run away from that fool as fast as you can. You say this was a new relationship, so get away quickly before you invest one more moment of emotional energy in that clown. Unlike many people, he communicated his expectations up front-you are to be available when he calls, but do not expect anything from him. Don’t waste anymore time on that guy-he will only get worse.
@de-lightedtobefree
“I feel blessed to have you all respond so immediately to my mail and I love your responses” – so glad you’re feelin the love – everyone here has helped me so much, too – including you – what an amazing bunch of women!!!
Good for you for waiting until you have a proper relationship to sleep with him – that really takes strength in my opinion. Yes, he has shown you his true colours – red, red, red (flags, that is) – how nice of him to reveal himself *before* you got trapped in the “justifying zone” as NML calls it, after the relationship becomes sexual.
You said “I’m glad me posting his mail here has also given some reality, please see it as the mail you will have gotten from your mean man.” – lol, how did you know I am addicted to this site now, while trying to *not* check for email from my AC? Thing is, the postings here are so much more meaningful and thoughtful than mail I got from *him* Thank you so much, and thanks for including all of us in your thanks (I know the names get mixed up!!) You are soo sweet.
Love to all fellow NC’ers and almost-NC’ers!
Thank Anusha :0
Karen, thank you I needed to hear that it was ok for me to expect a response from an innocent text message. I said…’.thinking of you, with love’, when I didn’t get a response, al my red flags went crazy..I new he was mad at me sending it and this is not a good sign. If after someone say’s they love you..then I think it should be ok, to think and send them love. thank YOU for the validation I needed from him. Not getting it made me cancell the date. And this email in response has now made me cancel the potential relationship.
Oh and I meant ‘heart, not heat’, whoops, (although I didn’t give him either ).
xxx
Ladies,
I’ve said it before, I will say it again. You all are wondering if he misses you, right? Please understand that only a person who truly
cares for you (LOVES YOU) will miss you. I understand that it is hard to deal with the idea of you giving your heart to someone who could care less what you want,feel,dream,need. PLEASE, stop wasting your time and effort on something that is not worth a nano second of your energy to even remember what it did to you. And yes, I called him an “it”. I will not give these AC names, or even acknowledge the fact (sad fact as it is) that they are even from the human race. Don’t use its’ name, don’t visualize “it” when you were walking together, don’t give “it” any validation in any form. If you are going to miss something, miss the time you will never get back missing and worring about what “it” it doing now.
This is so timely for me because my xEUM has been contacting me off and on for the last several months. I haven’t responded at all but I really do think it gives me some kind of ego stroke when he contacts me.. In some perverse way I enjoy this. When I don’t hear from him after a barrage of calls or emails I find myself wondering where he is. So I guess I still have work to do because I do know in my heart of hearts that when I hear from him I think he misses me. Then I think good, now you know what it feels like to have someone turn their back on you. In the scheme of things I’m still not talking to him but I’m spending way too much time thinking about him.
Reading all the reasons NML listed about why they miss us snapped me back to reality. Yes I was the accommodating one, yes he probably wants to hook up because he’s too lazy to start over, yes I let him get away with a lot towards the end. Or yes he misses me because I thought he was a decent guy. In the end a phone calls and emails doesn’t really cut it. If that’s all the effort he can muster to try to get me back then it’s a pretty pathetic effort.
I do have to ask myself why do I still miss a man that hurt me so much? When I figure that one out I don’t think I’ll care if he misses me.
This site has been so helpful to me. Since I have not been in the mood to do much of anything for the last few months (except check for incoming emails) there are several things I have put off at home. Today, I spent the day cleaning out my office (wow-it was bad in there) getting rid of old papers, files, etc. I feel that getting rid of that stuff is similar to getting rid of the doubt I felt about myself during the last two months. I will have a cleaner office, which will allow me to have a cleaner mind while I am working. Having to no longer look at junk will remind me to work on getting rid of the mental junk as well.
@Not Meant To Be – You are so right, checking this site is soooooo much better than checking for emails that will not be there.
Ha … phone calls. Not ONE call in two years … hard to believe innit.
Myalmostlover,
“I haven’t responded at all but I really do think it gives me some kind of ego stroke when he contacts me.. In some perverse way I enjoy this. When I don’t hear from him after a barrage of calls or emails I find myself wondering where he is.”
I know exactly what you mean…I feel the same way, and I can’t help but wonder just how much we mirror our eums in our emotional unavailability – wanting an ego stroke for example. I know NML has touched upon it, and we do seem to be the ones pursuing the eums – emotionally anyway – so we do want relationships, but I think a lot of what we say to and about our eums can also be said to and about us…in ways. Maybe it’s my eum tendency to beat myself up, but this site…in more ways than one, and on many levels, has been illuminating in helping me to see myself more clearly through the stories of the fbgs, but also the eums!
I wonder what anyone thinks about this?
@Delighted
I am “DELIGHTED” that you have been strong enough and smart enough to have acted in the way you did. It takes so much for us women to stand our ground and wait until things look better for us before we get ourselves more involved. You played it smart and for that you should give yourself a big pat on the back! Its more than i can say I use to do for myself and it took a tremendous amount of learning and growing to get there. And how cowardly of him to use “I love you” as a means to just try to get what he wanted!! AND WHAT??? :O Give you an ultimatum?? :O This man has really lost his mind!!! I’m just sooo glad to hear the way you handled it and that you didnt let your emotions get in the way of what the reality was and give in to him. Kuddos to you really!!! I know it takes a lot. Its refreshing to hear when someone makes a good choice when more often than not we are posting because we have made bad one’s.
@Miserable Love:
You have come such a long way since when you first posted. You seem to know what is right and that this guy is a complete loser but it does take our hearts a little longer to catch up with our heads! Have patience because 6months is a big deal. Sometimes because these guys are so EMOTIONLESS it hurts more. They dont miss us, not in the way we would think or want them to anyway. They are broken. They are incapable and this incapacity has nothing to do with us so you cannot find validation, love, nor the appreciation that you wanted from an empty well. You have come this far and with a little more time you’ll see that soon you wont even care anymore about the remorse nor him looking nor who’s he’s with or the why’s and you’ll be able to see him for the REAL person that he is rather than the illusion of whom you thought and wanted him to be. Keep up the good work! 😉
Thank you Karen
I will tell you..when I found this site two years ago I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, I was obsessive. I slept and fell devastingly in love with someone too soon and payed the price dearly. I have gone through the same as everyone here, but the small voice deep down inside me resignated with NML’s message and finally I have been made conscious. All here have given me my voice, my strength, my resolve. I want a life partner, I want to be validated, I want to be fully loved. And I will not give-in till god lets me have the real relationship.
And I will do the hard work on myself to get real, to get free, to get happy on my own so when I meet the real one I will have no baggage and will see things clearly. That is what I am striving for.
I am going to sleep now, you have all seem me through to the other side and thank you so so much. I have my cat curled up next to me and I will put louise hay’s affirmations on a loop and listen to how wonderful and wise I am over and over till it sinks in 🙂
kisses to you all ( again 🙂 sleep tight from this side of the world
butterfly wrote”
“he couldn’t have had more red flags if he’d have been wearing nothing but red flags ”
oh, thank you for making me laugh, too funny,. I am a pretty visual person and this is a priceless image I will be using
I am a few months into firm and unwavering NC, thanks to this site, and though I still entertain most all the thoughts addressed on NML’s posts, it’s all good. I am getting back to the me I was before teh whole AC thang. Arsclowns are a learning experience, however, once will surely be enough if you use this site as a crash course into the lesson. Good luck all.
For 2 years i have been with an eum. He clearly wasn’t over his ex but led me to believe he was. Until he decided that he still loves her and not me. Then he would come back, sometimes weeks later, other times days telling me he missed me and loved me and was so messed up that he wasn’t thinking straight before. STUPIDLY i fell for all of this! Well now i have finally had enough, and have finished with him for the last time. But now he is trying hard.. writing me letters and sending flowers, even suggsting counselling. It’s all a little too late. But i still find myself wondering…..but what if he’s changed finally! he must love me after all! I know this is not the case and he will never change… started the NC yesterday.. but he continues to text me, so glad of this site 🙂 good luck to all of you going through the same thing.. it’s bloody hard work!
de
what I love about your post is that after that rather insane email
(which reminded me of the great post where NML wrote..” if he feels like a banana ice cream he’ll have a banana ice cream, etcc..)) is that you recognized it for what it was right away.
Before the EUM experience I would have fell for this sneaky version of the wishy washy namby pamby push/ bowling cold. And failed to recognize the sneaky version of control, and managing down expectations.
Yup, lessons have been learned. You intuitively wanted OUT not in. That is a healthy reaction. Good job, these tales from the front line are encouraging.
“These men are often not only disconnected from their emotions but are also disconnected from their actions”– wow— that’s spot on.
The Assclown I knew (the one who sent me his journals) even wrote: “I am seldom if ever completely aware of how my words and actions are influencing/impacting others”.
At first I looked at it in a positive way (thinking he meant- a kind word here, a good deed there) but now I realize what he meant was that he’s sooo disconnected, he’s clueless. What kind of a person has no idea how their words/actions impact others?? He is lacking in conscience!
There’s a book called Without Conscience that says…”Psychopaths are social predators who charm, manipulate, and ruthlessly plow their way through life, leaving a broad trail of broken hearts, shattered expectations, and empty wallets. Completely lacking in conscience and in feelings for others, they selfishly take what they want and do as they please…”
Ugh. He’s revolting.
Speaking of being disconnected, my EUM emailed me on day 4 NC (and I didn’t reply). As well as suggesting that we should be “friends foreverâ€, he wrote “my arms miss youâ€. NOT “I miss youâ€. Does anyone have an interpretation for *that*?
not meant to be (with him): I think that the earlier comments about the separation of words from actions really resonates with his saying,
“my arms miss you.” It seems that the AC/EUM is disconnected from his emotions and your emotions simultaneously. He cannot feel.
He can mimic feeling, but he can’t really “feel” in the way the emotionally connected to. Mine actually said, “I can’t keep hurting this girl over and over again.” Note he didn’t say, “I can’t keep hurting you over and over again.” I was only 3 feet away from him.
Another time he said, “I’m sorry I’m not the person I thought I was.” Not, “I’m sorry that I hurt you by not being truthful with you.” When I asked him if he thought he wasn’t being a big of a hypocrit, his response was, “No, hypocrits say one thing and do another; I don’t say anything.”
Those comments were just so bizarre. It made me realize how much I overlooked his inability to feel . . . truly feel anything for another human being.
@Angelina – very interesting. I agree, EUM’s can’t feel the way most people can. That’s truly bizarre that your EUM spoke of you in the third person (“this girlâ€) to your face. And interesting that he said “I don’t say anything†when asked re: being a hypocrite– I think he spoke volumes with that one phrase!
My EUM only said sorry for really minor things like not being online to chat when he said he would. Not for the major things like not valuing me as a person or ignoring me for days at a time (“I was busyâ€). It’s funny, when we were talking about the topic of love, he would very rarely come out and say he loved me (unless I almost “prompted†him) and when he said it, once, at the end of an online chat, it was “love youâ€, NOT “I love youâ€, and the one other time on a chat it was LU. When talking about feelings, he only really seemed to be able to tell if he was “happy†or “sadâ€. For instance, once when I told him I felt I was falling in love with him, he asked “how does that make you feel?†and I answered “frustrated that you can’t express how you feel about me†(this was after we’d been intimate for about 9 months). Then I asked how it made him feel to hear these things and he said “sad that you’re frustrated and happy that you love meâ€. So it was always in terms of happy and sad, not really in terms of what actual feelings he may have for me.
You said “I overlooked his inability to feel . . . truly feel anything for another human being.†And I think you have a good point there about mimicking feelings, or kind of taking cues from other people about how they SHOULD feel in certain situations. I thought maybe my EUM was stuck with childhood feelings where they either feel positively or negatively about something that affects them – not really mature feelings towards another human being. EUM’s really are a fascinating species. Disconnected is an understatement! Thanks for your reply Angelina ïŠ
not meant to be (with him) –
My interpretation is that you aren’t doing NC. No contact means that you don’t even know if he tries to email, call, text, or whatever. You haven’t filtered his email into the trash bin (using message filters on your email application),
And now he is still troubling your mind. Still looking for a cheap shag.
“His arms miss you” is a poetic way of saying he wants your breasts pressed against him, his arms roaming your back and butt, and he wants his eggs fried for breakfast. The forever friends thing sounds like he wants a quiet, no strings shag when he feels like it.
Wait – you mean you *read* his email? That even when you saw it was from the ex, you still noticed the title and then *opened* the email and *read* it?
Refusing to reply doesn’t give him full communications with you – but noticing that he sent you an email (*trash* that thing before you *see* it!) and then *reading* the email just prolongs the agony for you. You might as well tell him, “OK, you can shag me but I won’t kiss you.” Because that is about what happened in your mind.
I presume that the reasons for breaking off, for No Contact, were important to you. The point of NC is to stop being in a relationship, to heal, to find yourself again. That is even more painful and takes much longer if you let his words reach you.
By letting his email enter your inbox (instead of setting up a filter to mark it “read” and moved to the “trash”), then reading it, you did nothing wrong. But you did hurt yourself. You are taking the time to analyze his thoughts and words, you are considering, “has he learned his lesson yet”, and your grief and hurt from breaking up will just continue longer.
Because he won’t change, and your healing is waiting for him to be gone from your life.
Blessed be.
@ de-lightedtobefree,
I think you are being harsh, saying you don’t ever want to see him again. You may change your mind about casual or formal contact (not intimate, ever!) in two to five years. Forever is a long time, and stuff happens.
Other than that, he is clearly a perpetual dater, and you are looking for a mate. You don’t turn the bull in with the horses, and you don’t ask a party guy to be a responsible partner.
Look at this as hopeful – you recognized the pickup line for the slick line of nonsense that it is, right off!
“May God keep the Czar – – far from Anatevka!” I hope the ex does well – well enough to stay out of your life.
Brad K.’s last blog post..Does he miss me – and is he hurting?
I love that list. I don’t have a desire to be with my ex, but sometimes I wonder if he realizes how great I was and if he “misses” me and everything I used to do for him. That list unromanticized it for me because if he’s thinking of me at all, it’s for purely selfish reasons. I love coming to this site when my mind starts to wander and go back to some of the people I’ve dated, I get snapped right back into reality!
I have broken up with my AC over a year ago after a three year relationship. It’s a shameful relationship since both of us are married. The reason why I broke up with him is I’ve found that I am actually the other woman to the other woman. He is still with her and he always uses the missing you tactics to hook her up. It hurts me from time to time because since I cut contact with him he never initiate contacts with me. We are family friends so it’s inevitable to avoid totally not seeing each other. But everytime he sees me, he just pretends nothing has happened, tried to be very nice and even stares at me. I know if I continue to pursue him just like his other woman, he will say beautiful words to me again. Thanks to this website, I see things from a different angle. I am the lucky one to escape from this unhealthy relationship. However, everytime when I think of the hurt he did to me and he is still sleeping with the other woman, it still hurts. Can someone teach me how to let go completely? I know he is a psychopath, no remorse, no feelings only his agenda. I do have times that I really wish something bad would happen to him.
“Can someone teach me how to let go completely?”
Oh Crystal, I wish, wish, WISH I could teach you how to let go completely! Because then I could too. But I think only time can do that. You’ve begun that journey by ending the relationship. That is great!
“I know if I continue to pursue him just like his other woman, he will say beautiful words to me again.”
Oh! Isn’t it so tempting! My xeum never even said beautiful words, but just to be in his life again, held and wanted. It’s tough! It is so tough. I’m having a weak moment, and I’m here…at baggagereclaim, and I’m gonna make it through!
Ha ha.
Love.
Hi everyone Its been awhile since I have posted. Since my ex eum broke NC and I allowed him. we have been in daily contact since. The thing is that because of this site I find myself REALLY being less and less interested. I have found myself not returning his calls and not caring if he called me. What I realized ( again thank you NML you are the BEST) is that he DIDNT break contact because he missed ME. He did it because he needed his ego stroke. Its obvious that I am now his second or third source for the stroke. Now that I have had a chance to step back for a while during in NC and read this site i am starting to look at him differently. He seems to me just like some sort of emotionless parasite going from one host to the next looking from their “ego stroke” and draining the poor vicitms of the very emotions they are themselves void of. Thats what these EUMs and Assclowns are, sub-human parasites. Stop wasting your time ladies because thats all it is a WASTE OF YOUR TIME!! nothing more.
“And interesting that he said “I don’t say anything†when asked re: being a hypocrite– I think he spoke volumes with that one phrase!”
This is called lying by omission …
Brad K, I read your blog and I agree,
it is not up to me to punish someone for not giving me what I want. I was punishing him for not texting me back and I see this in his mail.
Yes he is as you say party boy and I knew this and told him so on many occassions. I told him he could not give me what I wanted and he kept saying he wanted to learn, I told him I did not want to be a teacher, I wanted an equal partner, he said he new he had intimacy issues and was working hard on them, he wanted to get through this to a loving place. that’s when I decided to give it a shot.
Yes maybe I over reacted and of course I will see him at some point because we do have a friendship but I new he was not the one to give me what I needed and he has just confirmed this for me.
I now also it is a betrayal to share publicly our relationship privacy and I am ashamed at doing so. I did think twice about it before cutting and pasting but decided to be honest, that this site has given me more support in th epast two years so I was speaking to a close friend and I would have shown this mail to a close friend to ask advise. At the moment my three closest friends are not here for me to confide in. And I did not want to go crazy and get my mind twisted, I needed to hear some rational thought. Which I did and I am grateful for and it made me sleep easy. No I am not the girl he can party with, at least I know who I am and I will try to beat myself up for being so strict.
I love your insights and your blogs, thank you.
This is odd. Yes, I do wonder if he misses me. I sure miss him, we were together 6 years, NC now nearly 8 months.
During the conversations which led us to breaking up, he told me that when he and his ex-wife were separating, he had said to her, “I want to miss you,” meaning that spending time together every day, as spouses do, was too much intimacy. Obviously, as his wife, she wanted, needed and expected from him, and he couldn’t deal, so he bailed.
But at the time, I was just wondering, why are you telling me this, at this time? It wasn’t until later that I realized that he was not saying this about *her*, he was saying this about me. “I want to miss you, just like I wanted to miss my ex wife.” In other words, he only wanted to have either of us on his terms, and no more than a few days a week is his emotional capacity.
Even later, I thought, hey, if you really love someone, you DO NOT want to miss them! Loving someone means (among other things) wanting to be with someone, on a dependable, ongoing and frequent basis. But to an EU person, missing someone is a comfortable way of experiencing desires for intimacy.
Thank you Regina – illuminating to me for a different way, I now understand some of the very hurtful behaviours he had in the BEGINNING, like he would tell me all about his ex girlfriends but in a way which made me feel uncomfortable – I can’t quite explain, but like he had a piece of them. This probably strikes a chord with some of you. I told him to stop … but it didn’t stop him. Later on, he could never remember what he had done only that “you didn’t like it”.
How could I have been blind to the early conditioning? Well simple really – I am not manipulative!!!
Just to remind all of you, the emotionally unavailable are not only men, but can be girlfriends (family) too.
A person whom I thought was a dear friend to me for 20 yrs is also using the “I miss you” line. I realized after finding this site how many unhealthy people I had in my life. She was one of those unhealthy people. I had invested so much into our friendship but never got much if anything in return from her. I was her shoulder to cry on constantly. But when I needed her she was “too busy” or made some other excuse as to why she couldn’t spend time with me, call me, or anything else.
I finally applied the NC rule to her as well. For awhile before NC I responded to some of her emails, but I soon realized that my response was just enough of an ego stroke for her. She would blow hot/cold and exhibited the similar characteristics of an EUM. She is an EUW and now I have had to enforce the NCR to rid myself of her. She used me, dumped on me, I always went to her side of town. She hasn’t been to my home in 13 yrs, always some excuse as to why she cannot drive that far. It’s hard to realize that in all these years where I invested so much that all along I was just a useless person (friend) until she wanted something (ego stroke, or to borrow money). She had more broken promises than I even care to think about, she stood me up a few times, she had more excuses and never took responsibility. But 3 wks ago she sent me the “I miss you” email and I wanted to meet me for lunch “sometime”. That was the last straw, because we haven’t talked on the phone in over a year. I asked myself – How can she miss me, she doesn’t even know me, or what I’m about or anything else??
Maybe at some point we could be acquaintances, but for now it’s NC all the way. When you start to get stronger, when you start to see things for what they truly are instead of what you want them to be there’s a sense of freedom, a sense of acceptance and you have a higher self-esteem to realize when it’s just time to move on.
I’m not completely healed, and I’m still not the lively person I once was before the Assclowns but I’m slowly getting to some sense of normalcy. Being happy in my own skin, focusing on other interests besides what others are doing, and looking at myself from a different perspective. Life is what we make of it, why waste all that precious energy on someone who doesn’t deserve even the time of day?
Baby steps….first I had to get through the hours, then the days, then the weeks, then the months of not needing attention from an Assclown. It’s almost been 1 yr of NC for me, I’m looking forward to celebrating the 1 yr mark by doing something wonderful for myself. Treating myself to a massage perhaps, or a quick trip to Vegas.
Luck to everyone – it gets easier just take it day by day.
Whoops, I meant…try not to beat myself up!
I’m sorry I cannot be there for other people right now but once my head clears and I get back on track I will be. 🙂
Thank you everyone and sorry if I missed your name, I totally read everything everyone said, more than twice!
xx De
…â€Psychopaths are social predators who charm, manipulate, and ruthlessly plow their way through life, leaving a broad trail of broken hearts, shattered expectations, and empty wallets. Completely lacking in conscience and in feelings for others, they selfishly take what they want and do as they please…â€
Ugh. He’s revolting.
My God how true. I am one month no contact and two months of freedom. He dumped me. He did me a favor – the more I read about sociopaths, psychos, personality disorders, the more I am convinced my assclown was this.
I knew he had issues. I just did not connect the dots until he actually left.
This is so very sad as alot of us have probably not only dealt with the assclown but these underlying personality disorders are what was really the issue in the relationship. I could see if he was just a royal prick – he used to tell me “Im a prick hun” and I use to answer him – “well your my prick” He was making me sick for accepting this.
I have learned so much from this site. Its amazing. I found it by accident and bookmark it constantly – I read all the repies from women just like me.
I would like to request something done on Personality disorders and the assclown – I think that would be very insightful as I think alot of us were dealing with just this.
Not meant to be, this half a*sed comment sounds familiar.
After about a year I got a text ‘my bed misses you’
A few months later it was ‘I miss you (ha,ha)’, and I thought I was making progress!
That was the honeymoon period because a few weeks after that it was ‘you love me too much, I can never be with one woman again after my wife left me’
At least the last comment was the truth. He hasn’t been faithful to one woman since his wife left, and I doubt that he ever will until his ability to charm fails him.
The ‘miss you’s’? Well I sometimes think there was a glimmer of an emotion trying to sneak through but it was such an alien,terrifying and confusing prospect to actually feel something that it had to be damped down. Other times I just think they don’t know what they think so use some words that they know will go down well, but nothing that will get your expectations up too high.
@Brad K
Thank you for your response to my earlier comment. You made a good point about NC – even though I have not contacted *him*, I did open the one email he sent. The temptation was just too great at the time and I am quite new at this (12 days today) so I still have some learning to do. I will look into the filters on email that you spoke of.
Thanks also for your interpretation of his arms “missing meâ€. I can see now, that he’s probably saying he misses the physical aspects of our relationship, and I think it was helpful to get your thoughts from a male perspective. I did break up with him and start NC for a good reason – he is a MM! Even when we were together, I felt like he only valued me for physical reasons, and that started to feel really crumby. I guess I shouldn’t be friends with him either, but that will be a tough one since he is my brother’s supervisor and I don’t want to cause trouble for him. I also have to work together with my ex-AC (thanks for pointing out he is an “ex†BTW) at conferences we plan and facilitate together – the next one is less than a month from now so I will have to see him and work with him along with other colleagues.
“By letting his email enter your inbox (instead of setting up a filter to mark it “read†and moved to the “trashâ€), then reading it, you did nothing wrong. But you did hurt yourself. You are taking the time to analyze his thoughts and words, you are considering, “has he learned his lesson yetâ€, and your grief and hurt from breaking up will just continue longer.
Because he won’t change, and your healing is waiting for him to be gone from your life.†– you are right – reading his email was kind of like having unprotected sex, wasn’t it? He is still screwing with my mind, as you suggested. I don’t want to be exposed to his diseases and dysfunction anymore!
@sadthing
wow, his *bed* missed you. That’s not even a part of his body! But it’s very clear what he was missing there!!!
I guess we should just not expect progress from these guys at all!!!
not meant to be,I agree with Brad’s post.I used to think that as long as my ex didnt notice that I was thinking about him or not over him yet that is all that mattered but lately I realized that NC isnt for him,is for me.The point on NC is to break the conection between me and him so I can move on,to take him completely out of system.So what is the point to not show him that I miss him but still think about him all the time,keep checking my phone and email to see if he tried to contact me? The conection wont be broke that way understand? So in your case even if you dont reply,you letting it afect and hurt you so it is getting on the way of you moving on like Brad said.You have to avoid it so you can move on.Like a while ago my ex was getting online on IM after a long time not being there,I had him blocked but I still could see that he was online.And that was messing up with me so much,I kept geting nervous when I saw him online,wondering why he was there,if had anything to do with me and so on.I saw that wasnt doing me any good,that even though I wasnt talking to him it was keeping me involved with him mentaly and leting me down.So I just deleted him and now I cant see when he is online anymore.It wasnt easy trust me,but I saw was the best thing to do for myself.Just think about all I said and remember that NC is for you.
Betterwithouthim,wow one year NC.Congratulations 🙂 And thanks for the motivation for us to keep going.
Could have been worse. Could have been really honest and said “My dick misses you”.
LOL
Sorry to double post – Anusha is 100% correct. I had my ex idiot on every messenger available, so every time I talked to work people there was him, his face – he had to go. In fact, he went before I had the “FINAL” email to him.
Ladies, it might not be the easiest thing but it will be one of the best things you do for yourself. I know I am funny in my responses, but believe me I still go through it especially when I am hormonal like now. I spent half an hour today from leftfield crying – but we have good days and bad days so why spoil when would be a good day with a reminder of this millstone around your neck. Get rid of him 🙂
Butterfly
How long have you been NC? How long did it take for you to just do it. It is so hard for me, we work together. I have stopped texting and calling him, but at work the first thing I WANT to do is see him. When he approaches me at work, everything says turn and walk away, but I can’t.
Also, has anyone loaned their AC a significant amount of money? I feel so stupid for trusting him that he would repay me. I can’t decide if writing this amount of money off is the answer and then NC will be easier. What do I do about the money? I loaned him money to purchase a truck. He was to make monthly payments to me and he has made none and never even brings it up? Any ideas?? Thanks
My xEUM litteraly said: I miss the sex we had. Where do these guys get the bloody nerve to say something like that. I guess it worked for him in the past or otherwise he wouldn´t try getting someone into bed with disrespectfull comments.
I would like to sugest a post about expectations,I think would be pretty helpfull to all of us.The EUM makes us think that we expect too much from him and the relationship when sometimes we just asking for the basics of a love relationship.I bet that lot of you heard the sentences “You want too much,you dont let me live my life” and so on from our EUMs.And then we get confused and wondering if we really wanting too much(at least I know I did).So I want to sugest a post about it to NML,to help us to know what is fine to expect in a love relationship.
PlanetJane……….You are so right, I think we do mirror our EUM’s in many ways as NML has pointed out. Here I am, months into NC but during that time have been peppered with phone calls and emails from my ex. I was actually doing quite well when I hadn’t heard from him for awhile but as soon as he starts calling again, I start thinking about him. One thing, I don’t want to change my number because I’ve already done that once. I’ve pondered should I pick up the phone and say leave me alone, we’re done? Then I think, no I don’t want to talk to him, it will just start another round of blowing hot and then eventually cold. But why is this man still taking up my time? That’s the material point. There have been times when I’ve almost contacted him but then pulled back at the last minute.
I did put all his pictures and everything he gave me away. My hard drive crashed so I lost all the pics and reminders that I had of him on my puter. I don’t sit around and wait for phone calls or emails. I rarely check my phone to see if I missed a call. So in many respects I’m healed. It’s just this one problem I have of him trying to contact me.
I really need to work on this. I do feel one hundred percent better then I did after the break up but I have to cut him out of my life somehow forever. It’s amazing how they come back when they think they’ve lost control over you. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have another gf or harem or woman somewhere on a social networking site. He’s not saying or doing anything earthshaking that would make me think he’s changed.
I read an article yesterday about EX’s. The advice was never ever go back to an ex, ever. Too much baggage and in this case, baggage overload.
The one thing I can say is I feel that I’ve gotten my self respect back. That I can hold me head up and not feel that crushing rejection I once felt. I’ve been coming to this site for over a year and it really helped me get through the very dark times. Now all I need to do is really move on with my life. It’s way too short to spend another minute about woulda, coulda, shoulda. I’m trying to work on myself right now and that’s my main focus. Even so, this had been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, even quitting smoking was a piece of cake compared to leaving an EUM relationship.
In reading many of your posts I see one common denominator…many of you work with these Assclowns. That’s where I met mine also, yuck!
Suggestion – maybe as your work through your healing, cutting contact and now having to find ways to interact at work with the AC that going forward you set your boundaries to eliminate this from happening in the future. The boundary would be something like – I don’t date/or have relationships with men I work with (peers or managers, different depts whatever), I don’t date or have relationships with men who are vendors/suppliers where I work, etc.
It’s a good and healthy boundary to have, and for me I will never ever put myself in the situation again where I have to actually keep running into the AC every day, when I’m trying to free myself from his toxic ways. It just doesn’t mix. Protect yourself, set some boundaries, and raise your self-esteem and respect yourself above all things.
All of you are worth whatever it takes to rid yourselves of these horrible EUM’s.
myalmostlover
“Now all I need to do is really move on with my life. It’s way too short to spend another minute about woulda, coulda, shoulda.”
Word to live by. While we are sitting around pining over them and thinking about the great first few months and how wonderful they were, they are out living their lives not giving a sh*t about how badly they have hurt us or the trail of destruction they have left. Sorta like a tornado. That’s what I equate my AC to. Had the clam before the storm, it blew in and destroyed everything in it’s path! Now I am left to clean up the mess that he left. I am working so hard on myself because of one bad decision I made in my life. It’s almost as 40 years of becoming a good person was wiped away in 1 short year with him. I just want ME back!
Yes he is as you say party boy and I knew this and told him so on many occassions. I told him he could not give me what I wanted and he kept saying he wanted to learn, I told him I did not want to be a teacher, I wanted an equal partner, he said he new he had intimacy issues and was working hard on them, he wanted to get through this to a loving place. that’s when I decided to give it a shot.
Exactly. It is one thing to get involved with a party boy, and expect him to morph into Mr. Husband. But many men, of a certain age, are WELL AWARE that their party “boy” ways just won’t work for women anymore, and so they change, they morph and they tell you or hint at what you want to hear – what they know you want to hear. If they could just be up front about who they are, we could decide to have fun and walk away…or just walk away. Instead we get stuck in a limbo with guys who are perpetual party boys in “good relationship material” disguises – who just won’t commit or walk away, cuz they’ve temporarily hit the jackpot with a woman who is waiting for an elusive promise to materialize.
Butterfly, LOL yes it would be great if they were that honest, but the truth is more likely that they have somewhere else lined up to put it! So a totally honest comment would be
‘I feel lonely/horny and there’s no-one else around to idolise me and have sex with me, so I’m thinking of you’
Sadly I think that even though on some level we know the deal, we still hope that their thinking of us is indicative of our place in their hearts. As Planet Jane says, we were the women ‘waiting for the jackpot to materialise’, now we’re not because we know there’s no jackpot.
I still struggle with the absurd hope that there’s a decent normal man in there somewhere, but it’s less of a struggle every day.I keep saying to myself,’ what is there is you remove the sex?’ and the answer is almost nothing. Says it all really.
sadthing’s last blog post..Does my ex Mr Unavailable or assclown miss me?
Oops sorry Planet Jane, it’s been a long day! I got my jackpots and my promises mixed up but I think the end result is pretty much the same, we thought we’d got a great man based on their promises – er or something like that.
sadthing’s last blog post..Does my ex Mr Unavailable or assclown miss me?
@Anusha – “NC isnt for him,is for me.The point on NC is to break the conection between me and him so I can move on,to take him completely out of system.†You have a great point here, and I need to let this sink into my brain. You are right, I am “showing him†that I don’t need him anymore, but I am not showing that to myself by looking for and opening emails from him. Thank you for that reminder.
@butterfly – I have my ex AC under 2 different messenger accounts. I am going to delete him from one of them today, and then when I realize it doesn’t cause the end of the world, I will delete him from the other one too!! I could see he was online last night, and it was making my heart race and increasing my anxiety (similar to Anusha). Butterfly, you said “Could have been worse. Could have been really honest and said “My dick misses youâ€. – it’s funny, I thought this very thing when Brad pointed out that “my arms miss you†probably really meant “I miss my arms roaming your back and buttâ€! Sad thing is, I miss some parts of his anatomy, too, but I can’t dwell on that!!!
@sadthing – “Sadly I think that even though on some level we know the deal, we still hope that their thinking of us is indicative of our place in their hearts.†– yes, this is sad indeed. I know now that I do not have a place in his heart – just between his sheets – but that’s somewhere I don’t want to be anymore!!!
you know, i wonder about a thing or two…..(or am i playing devil’s advocate????????????????)
to the women who say that phone calls or emails from the eum are not enough effort to win her back…
what if HIS ego cannot take the rejection he so carelessly inflicts? they say men can dish it out but they can’t take it – a dose of his own poor treatment of another? (i am just asking as i am aware that his over inflated ego is not certainly your problem. fyi – i think that if a man REALLY loves and wants to be with you then no ego, hell, or wild horses could stop him)
what if he is aware that the more you attempt to contact that woman who he has broken up with (or who broke up with him), the more they resist you and your attempts? ( i read on a site that this is a rule to get over being dumped. it states that you will naturally try to win your mate back but advises against doing so if you want to have the opportunity to win them back). so they use non-verbal means of communication to reduce the rejection(?) if he were to show up at you residence, work, etc he fears he would be shot down(?)
am i making excuses for eum? no, i just guess i’m looking for insight although i am certain that i may never know the answers.
at the end of the day i have to stay focused on me and my path to healing and treating myself properly.
i am really confused and may be searching for answers in my fog – so pardon me.
i do know that this relationship (especially when i choose wrong) stuff makes my whole entire ass hurt. 🙁
@devasted – I think three weeks. I am not sure. I am making a concerted effort not to keep a track of how long it is, I don’t want to accord him enough importance to be worth remembering. It could be longer, in fact – all I know is that I went to see family that weekened and instead of being interested in what was going on in my homeland I was simply in turmoil and pain. Enough!
@Anusha I never heard anything like that – what I got was “I want you in my life” and “Maybe I love you in a different way”. How I wish I’d gone AC in February the first time that this little gem came my way.
@sadthing – For sure! However in the case of my ex-clown, he is NOT attractive. I’m pretty sure if I had met him in reality first then nothing at all would have happened – maybe he has got somewhere lined up for it to go. I hope they are not going to be disappointed!
I think it’s a case of time, and for those who are forced to see someone every day my heart goes out to you – even accidentally seeing that he had mailed twice and it was deleted on both occasions made me feel sick to the stomach, so I am dreading that he contacts me – however, I am pretty sure that he won’t (WAY too much effort!).
sadthing,
“Sadly I think that even though on some level we know the deal, we still hope that their thinking of us is indicative of our place in their hearts.”
Definitely – many of us do know the deal – even if it’s just a sneaking suspicion in the beginning (which is why we need to learn to listen! to ourselves)…and/or we find out after we’ve already invested too much, i.e. gotten sexual, or emotional (which is why we must proceed with caution and keep the legs closed sistas).
“I still struggle with the absurd hope that there’s a decent normal man in there somewhere, but it’s less of a struggle every day.”
As Brad K. implies, just because the guy didn’t fulfill our needs, it doesn’t mean he’s not a decent, normal man in ways – maybe misguided, hurt, emotionally moronic, etc 😉 As fbgs it IS important for us to place some of the responsibility of the “failed relationship” on the eum, and to let go of trying to maintain the hope of someday pulling what we want from him. And a beginning/easy way to do that is by blaming him entirely. But I think the more space we get from the situation, the more we tend to feel sorry for the ac/eum, and wish him the best in the future…even if it’s not with us…thankfully it’s not with us! 🙂
I think “struggling with the absurd hope that he’s a decent normal man” implies our extreme investment HIM and his process or possible transformation – and not us! Ding dong! I’m gettin this stuff.
NML said: “If he’s going to miss you, he needs to act like it, not by saying it, or sending you a text/email, or instant message (lazy communication) but by missing you so much that he backs this up with actions by sorting himself out, because trust me, missing you is not enough.”
This is SO true!! I’m 3 weeks into NC with a EUM after an 8 month relationship. He’s never been married, in his mid-40s and has all the classic symptoms of an EUM. Given that I’m only 2.5 years out of a 20 year marriage, I’m naive to the dating scene and wasn’t able to readily spot this type although his behavior at times seemed a bit bizarre to me. In the case of my EUM, he had great trouble breaking off the relationship perhaps because he’s at that age where he thinks he needs to settle down. He even said this to me, that he needs to settle down. His “get out of jail free card” was that he was possibly relocating to another job and didn’t want a long distance relationship (even though his new job was within driving distance). After he moved he said: “I hope we can both find a long term relationship that’s just like this one” and “I can’t believe that you want to continue this relationship because what if it deteriorates.” Bizarre!! I answered, “Why do you want to end a relationship you’re hoping to find” and “most people end a relationship when it deteriorates.” He wanted to redefine the relationship as a friendship and I refused. We continued for a time after the move where he continued to blow very hot and very cold doing everything within his power to distance himself from me. Three weeks ago he ended it saying that if we were to continue my feelings would grow and his won’t. I thought this was quite presumtious on his part but answered with “I’m going to give you what you want.” He didn’t like the response. He again brought up being friends and I declined. Then he said, “These emotions don’t just go away you know” and “I’ll always be here for you if you ever need me.” YUCK!! There’s much more in the way of painful experiences with my EUM that would take too long to detail. Some of your stories could have been written by me. Anyway, the longest we’ve been without contact before now is 1 week. I know that at some point he will call me trying to slip in as a friend likely to have me become part of his harem to stroke his ego. I’m conflicted though, because one part of me is hanging onto the fantasy that he is using this time to face his dysfunction and that he will return and want a healthy relationship with me. I know he developed emotions for me that he did not intend to develop and has worked very hard to try to squash. He often in his attempts to break up with me would say perplexed and with anguish, “Why is this so hard??!!” I never groveled or begged to continue the relationship and I am happy for that. I’m finding the NC difficult but I know I can maintain it from my end. It’s if and when he contacts me that I’m concerned about. Is there any sensibility in hanging onto hope that this man has the capacity to change?
@ Butterfly – “in the case of my ex-clown, he is NOT attractive.” That’s funny, mine isn’t the best looking guy, either, and I DID meet him in person first. But it’s strange, he never seems to find it difficult to engage attractive women in conversation (I have mostly seen him do this at conferences). One woman (who doesn’t know my relationship with him) told me he was “smooth” – maybe that’s what Brad talks about when he says “skilled at winning bed partners”. Ewww, I’m feeling a little nauseated just thinking about that.
Anyone else have an ex-AC who’s not that attractive but can turn on the charm and have women under their spell in no time flat? Is this a skill they have learned to make up for their shortfall in the looks department?
I have just been broken up with. It happened yesterday. Things had been getting crazy for the last two weeks, and its his and his wife’s seventh anniversary this weekend, and he brought that up when he broke it off. He said he couldn’t do it to her anymore, he couldn’t look at his kids anymore, the guilt was eating him up inside, blah blah blah. But my issue is that none of this was a problem until people started noticing us disappearing together. The closer we got to getting caught (which was several times as of late), the more anxious he got and this past weekend he just flipped out on me, called and ended it with me yesterday. I didn’t cry while I was on the phone with him (thank God), but we are supposed to meet on Friday to “talk everything out”. He’s done this once before, and once again it was when he was afraid he was about to get caught. It took less than a week for us to start having sex again. The reason this time was that his father-in-law came out and asked where I disappeared to whenever I came there on weekends. He was so shaken on Sunday he could barely look at me and I was frustrated as hell because I didn’t know what was going on. I think he means it this time. He sounded so upset when he was telling me this yesterday and his voice even started getting shaky when I asked him if he still had feelings for me. His response was “What does that matter? Why do we need to talk about that?” I said “Because I deserve to know. So I know you weren’t just using me for a good time.” He just sounded more and more rattled so I just said we could talk on Friday. I don’t know what to do. I am thinking about not meeting him at all. I don’t know if he is serious or if he’s just scared right now. I don’t think I can stand to see him. What should I do?
@not meant to be- “I have my ex AC under 2 different messenger accounts. I am going to delete him from one of them today, and then when I realize it doesn’t cause the end of the world, I will delete him from the other one too!! I could see he was online last night, and it was making my heart race and increasing my anxiety (similar to Anusha).”
Exactaly what I mean,that is how I used to fell when I saw my ex online too and that isnt good.Not to mention to spend the rest of the day thinking why he was online,what just made my conection with him even stronger.The world wont end if you delete him trust me,I used to think the same thing.You have no idea how hard was for me to have the courage to do that(not even when we broke up I could do it,the maximun I could do was block him).But after you do it you will fell so at peace and relieved that you will wish you have done it before.
devastated…………
“While we are sitting around pining over them and thinking about the great first few months and how wonderful they were, they are out living their lives not giving a sh*t about how badly they have hurt us or the trail of destruction they have left. Sorta like a tornado.”
What a great description of them and their behavior. They just whip through our lives, wreaking havoc and not looking back. Then just as we’re cleaning things up and starting to heal they turn up like a bad penny. OMG the thought of going through that again makes me want to run so fast. I don’t think there is anything he could ever do or say to convince me to give it another go. The good memories are overshadowed by the heartbreak he caused me. I know I played my part but he knew exactly what he was doing and just kept on doing it until I’d had enough and baled.
Yes, they are like a tornado or a class 5 hurricane. I’m going to name the next hurricane after my ex….lol.
@Anusha – thanks for the advice. I have deleted him from one account and will try to find the courage to delete him from the second one soon. I want the peace of mind you describe.
@Serenity – in all the reading on this site I have done (a lot) I have not seen a case of an EUM suddenly changing and becoming a wonderful partner. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I am coming to understand that NC is the only way to go, so you should not respond to any contact and should try to make it impossible for him to contact you in the first place. So, no need to worry about how you should respond – you just shouldn’t as far as I understand things (but I am new at this!)
@Eden R – I have just broken up with my MM 12 days ago and I am so relieved not to feel like “just a good time†to him anymore. I asked him if our relationship was just physical for him, and he denied it, but I don’t know that I believe him. MM’s are liars and cheats and say what you want to hear to avoid hassle. If you don’t feel you can meet up with him, you can start NC on your own – see the posts from NML on the no contact rules. I also found the post of breaking up with a married/attached man to be helpful. We deserve to be more than just a supplement to someone’s life. Good luck with you decision
@Eden Rasa-
I am so sorry for the pain that you are currently experiencing. It is possible that your guy was overcome by the guilt of his cheating-however you should not be concerned about his issues, but your own. I don’t know how long you were involved with this man, but chances are so great that this relationship was never going to change into anything than what it was. Sorry if that sounds harsh-I don’t mean to insult you. That is not my intention. However, this man has a family, and from your description, the problems with the relationship began (from his perspective) when family and friends seemed to become suspicious about the behavior of the two of you. That is not the true problem that you will have to face-the true problem is that you are emotionally involved with someone that can not commit himself 100% to you. He has a wife and children, and they will always come first-no matter what lines he has given you in the past.
Since this just happened yesterday, I am sure you are devastated. In all likelihood, you will be for quite sometime. Loving the wrong person does not mean that it does not hurt when the relationship ends. Hurt is hurt. There is a section on this site under the “Love and Relationship” tab called “Being the Other Women.” Take a look at that section to see if you can find some helpful advice from women who have been in your position.
Please do not meet him on Friday (see this site for info on “No Contact” as this will only prolong your pain. You say you have been through this with him before. I am willing to bet you will end up with the same result-things will be “okay” for a short period of time, and then you will end up back in the same place. In the end, this man gives up very little to be with you, but will lose so much of yourself if you continue the relationship.
My heart goes out to you. I wish you well on your journey to get over this man.
I am reading this site and I know my ex is sleeping with the other girlfriend now. You know how it hurts! He has manipulated me to the fullest, used me to play against one another. Now that I know his true self he can just kicked me to the curb. Forgot my birthday, didn’t send his regards to me when I was sick at hospital and how dare when I broke up with him, he wants to remain friends and said that I will forever occupy an important place in his heart! Sometimes I wonder does he really love his girl now or is it convenience? She is willing to accept the fact that he is Mr. unavailable but I cannot. He is just a player, want to get his piece of cake without any commitment. Sometimes I think if I chase after him, he will welcome me back with open arms but is this what I want? Of course NOOOO so no matter how painful it is, I have to stick to NC and I am doing good so far – almost five months now!!! I get wiser each day and from reading this article, even missing someone doesn’t mean love and of course to an AC, there is always a hidden agenda!
Oh I love this post! And it was so timely for me. I recently came to some realizations about validation and what I had gone through to get it in the past (and how i was done with trying to get it from anyone in the future; no longer need it from anyone but myself)- your post synthesized everything so clearly. Thank you!
@truthhurts,
You ask an important question. “My xEUM litteraly said: I miss the sex we had. Where do these guys get the bloody nerve to say something like that.”
And I think the answer is very important, to you, to him, and to others that want a warm and loving partner.
He can talk about missing the sex, because he saw sex as the point, the reason, the goal of dating. He dated for social recreation, with the hope of winning a bed partner for a time. He attained his goal, he got where he wanted to go – into your knickers. The only things about your knickers he was interested in all lie above your heart. His intention and interest are not about sharing lives, only social recreation.
This does not make him evil, nor does it mean he is at fault for anything. He chased your skirt, he caught it. The game was played fairly.
What makes this question so important, is that you started out on a sex adventure, with a perpetual dater. Then you found that you enjoyed being close, and wanted a shared life and a mate and warm and loving home. And it wasn’t until then that you discovered that he wasn’t suitable as a mate.
The fact that he isn’t interested in changing roles doesn’t mean anything – except that he wasn’t suitable from the beginning, he still isn’t suitable, and won’t be suitable any time soon.
Right now you are thinking in terms of sharing lives, of a committed loving relationship, where there are more important, more intimate concerns than mere “miss the sex”. So his question really jars and feels totally inappropriate. For you the question is inappropriate. It highlights the fact that what he is interested is social recreations with at an intimate degree, and isn’t thinking or interested in terms of sharing lives. He is talking apples, you are counting oranges. And the fruits are very different. You almost never see a worm in oranges. 😉
Mentioning the sex as what he misses may mean that the sex is the first thing that comes to his mind, it might mean closeness or an orgasmic feeling or even sharing a small space with you. Only he really knows. Really, during an argument almost anything can be taken wrong, because we have often set a test – an unless they get the correct answer, the one we decided upon secretly, they fail the test.
Let’s just wish him well – well enough that he stays out of your life. The best revenge, after all, is living well.
Peace.
Brad K.’s last blog post..Why do men chase women?
Ego wise when any type of relationship ends, whether friendship or lover, man or woman, we always have a hidden hope that they will miss us. And it hurts when any relationship ends, whether or not you were the dumper or dumpee. And I totally agree that it isn’t the man, or just the man that is being missed, even though we attribute it all to him.
@Melody
“even missing someone doesn’t mean love”
Oh goodness – you said a mouthful, straight to my ears! It doesn’t mean love for him, and it doesn’t mean love for us.
IMHO, It is so important to be able to suss out the reasons why you want to be with someone, or why you want someone back. I’ve chased/gone back to so many men simply because I couldn’t handle the feelings of loss that come with a necessary, and quite reasonable break-up. Now I follow a simple rule (or I try to 😉 ) I ask myself what is my motivation, “Am I with/pursuing this person out of joy or sorrow?” If it’s sorrow – loss, fear, pain, loneliness – I have to sit on my hands and grieve (NC), it’s a no-go. If it’s joy, then so be it! Enjoy!
I think what made me fall for this was that he ran hot for a very very long time, and what he said kept me there – but ultimately the braking distance was in place. This guy chooses people at a distance from him – I think now that the heat he generated close to home last time (murky as to when exactly) meant he didn’t want to socialise with people till they had forgotten something. What, I don’t know. I chucked him off my Facebook more than once (social networking sites are evil for this) because I was getting sick of seeing all these comments from other women – he seems to choose very plain women or ones who are not very slim (fraid I am in the second category) – I assumed he wasn’t shallow until the mirror dropped and it was too late.
He actually said that my weight was “75% of the problem” the first time we broke up, when I just cut it dead but didn’t actually go through to proper AC because he sent me a text (this was the first one he sent with any real feelings appearing to be in it). I am now actually his “ideal” size and I look forward to enjoying it in my own right (I have an underlying medical condition which is now getting the correct medication, you can imagine what a boost to my self esteem this has all been).
“IMHO, It is so important to be able to suss out the reasons why you want to be with someone, or why you want someone back. I’ve chased/gone back to so many men simply because I couldn’t handle the feelings of loss that come with a necessary, and quite reasonable break-up. Now I follow a simple rule (or I try to ) I ask myself what is my motivation, “Am I with/pursuing this person out of joy or sorrow?†If it’s sorrow – loss, fear, pain, loneliness – I have to sit on my hands and grieve (NC), it’s a no-go. If it’s joy, then so be it!”
EXACTLY!!!! I have never gone back or chased, I’ve stayed friends with some people but only after a long time of letting it die off – usually I’ve just let them go out of my life and that’s been it. I am still working out exactly why this guy had this effect.
@notmeanttobe no humour is his weapon – I don’t think that just charm is there. He’s on YouTube a lot, classic “class clown” attention seeking – personally I found his attempts to charm me creepy in the end,maybe I had already seen through!
This is kind of off the topic of the current post but I have 3 questions…
1. Do you find yourself wary of people who think the AC/EUM are really “great guys”?
2. Do you find people think YOU’RE the one with a problem if you say he’s not so great or something similar?
3. If you voice your opinion on the AC do you find people dismiss you or feel they need to take sides… and it’s usually his?
Is the AC attractive? Don’t know anymore, seeing what he is has coloured my judgement!
He is however DEVASTATING when he smiles and turns on the charm, I’ve seen him smile at passing women who swivvle to look back at him.
Pretty amazing for a bald 51 year old with a face like a crumpled paper bag. LOL
And TJ, in answer to your 3 questions, in my case most people who have known the AC for some time are very much not on his side and very sorry for me – if only I’d listened to them.
sadthing’s last blog post..Does my ex Mr Unavailable or assclown miss me?
I like very much your post Brad..thank you, puts things nicely into perspective 🙂 apples and oranges 🙂
The three questions TJ,
(and I’ve loved everything you’ve said here too 🙂
Interesting question the first one.
To answer it…Everyone loves this guy, he is a lovely guy, (and this is why I like Brads post, he may not be a bad guy just an apple not an orange 🙂 I feel wary only in the fact that some of the people (my friends and his) are vey sweet niave people and I can see this innocence in them. It’s lway’s nice to have an alpha male around, or a party boy, they are fun, but as Brad say’s ‘not for a mate’.
2. pretty much everyone I know, knows I have a blind spot for these guys, so they alway’s (luckily for me) let me know if they think someone is off. Although I do have one friend who aways says, oh he likes you, but then she is in a destructive relationship so I know I can’t trust her judgement.
3. Along time ago, I weeded out those so called ‘friends’, the ones who were bad for me. I made a conscious choice to have people around me who were as supportive and loving in their friendships as I am. It was a very painful thing to do and took alot of time, transition and saying goodbye to people.. but it was worth it. I chose to be completly alone until the right people came into my life… you get very zen with yourself.. Doing this taught me I have to be vigilant my whole life!! And I still make mistakes and slip up, I do recognize the signs quicker though.
De
I’m surprised to find myself hit broadside again, how painful I am finding a relationship I was desperate to get out of after all this time. This is not my most recent ex, it’s the one before it who was (now I understand it) narcissistic, a mummy’s boy (deeply dysfunctional family) and was manic depressive – I was desperate to leave but afraid of what would happen to him (which made me nicely EUW to my ex-clown’s EUM and big romantic words).
Like an idiot when I expatriated I set this guy up in a place – surprise surprise he had a new girlfriend within a few days and now three months later they are moving in together, he is a “we” already. I’m crying – self pityingly and annoyed with myself for it – not because I still want him but because when I suggested that once everything was sorted out we cut contact and all I got back was “If you want”.
There’s no way to reach back to the bright woman I was then who let him move in with me against my inner voice, who ended up on Seroxat (Paxil) for a while shortly afterwards and who put up with all kinds of abuse in all that time. What happened to the ten years of care and putting myself absolutely bottom of the pile?
It doesn’t help knowing that their relationship is doomed to be no better – she is apparently excessively needy (calling constantly if he is not on MSN, several times an evening, doesn’t give him a moment’s respite by all accounts) – and leopards don’t change their spots, I remember when he used to fly into rages he was so unbelievably vitriolic that he used to take my breath away quite literally. Screaming in my face that he hoped I’d die of cancer (I can’t remember what triggered that one off, something totally innocuous and caring), screaming at me in the street “F*** you and f*** your birthday” last year … I look back now and wonder why on earth I didn’t run sooner.
Yeah I had been wondering what gave with him, had the whole “stay friends it’s very important” thing from him too. Just as a counterpoint to the other postings, it’s not all roses all the time – and I think that for the sake of my own sanity as soon as the finances and the post issues are sorted out I need to NC for my own good.
Luckily, his lack of caring and behaviours make it a lot easier to cut that tie and not wonder “Does he miss me?”.
I’m so glad this site is here.
“Anyone else have an ex-AC who’s not that attractive but can turn on the charm and have women under their spell in no time flat? Is this a skill they have learned to make up for their shortfall in the looks department?”
Yup. Charming. Narcissistic sociopathic charm.
He told me he had been told he has a raw sexuality.
The only raw sexuality he has is in his mind. He was
a taker. Still is Im sure.
Dont get me wrong- I was completely attracted to him but looking back now Im not sure what I was even attracted too.
It was what I “thought” he was. I “thought” he was honorable, trustworthy, had integrity, strength. He, in the end was spineless and weak. He had a tatoo on his back that meant strength and honor- when I think of him and that tattoo the only thing that comes to my mind is “weak and spineless.
Cheat and Liar should have been what he had tattooed on his back.
V,
cheat & liar..so true. my 2 EUMS’s – out of all the men i have ever dated they were the least attractive – but, the MOST fun to be around & SUPER charming. i told one of them he was charming & he almost went into a rage – i think sometimes they know they are different & charming wasn’t a positive word for him. he somehow knew……
I have been reading all the posts with great interest,and thinking alot about the article.Yet again it is so good to knowhat I am not the only one with the same feelings.It has been a month since the bombshell dropped that he had found someone and this was going to be his wife-after 3 years of my loyalty,care and concern.After he had only just told me he loves me..So the wound is still raw,and I am in NC-partly because he does not want me around because she is jealous,and partly because although he has contacted me by text twice,I am in no mood to talk to him.
And of course,reading this site and all your posts,has made me realise I don’t want him.Who I though he was,is not who he really is.
So why therefore do I wake up at night with the hollow feeling in my stomach,knowing I will never see him again,receive a text late at night,or ever?
I think it is because it’s the habit of having him there,of telling him what’s happened in my life-good and bad.Then I realise I was the one doing most of the sharing and chatting.He kept his life very private(obviously!!!) and on thinking back,often never commented on personal stuff I had told him.He is in the counselling line,and I always found it odd that he could ignore my requests for help with a personal issue,where that was his line of work.I also wondered if the way he treated me was the way he treated his “clients”.
But do I miss him as aperson-no,because who I thought he was is just an illusion,fantasy in my mind.Do I miss the routine of having him around-yes.But as they say “this too shall pass”.Does he miss me?Oh my ego would love to think he has regrets,misses me etc,but my head tells me NO!!!He has the new love in his life,he told me he never made me any promises,he ended it all via text-of course he doesn’t miss me.And I have the proof too…his 2nd text commented on a procedure I have just had-not asking how I was,just basically saying he hoped I’d survived it.His second sentence was asking me if I’d changed my mind about the money he wanted to borrow from me…
Enough said!!!
I am having such a hard day today. Some days are so good and then all the sudden the swift kick in the stomach happens all over again. I don’t know what to do with myself when this happens, other then to log on here and start reading. Does this happen to anyone else? It’s like an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I just want to feel goos again and get this awful feeling out of my head and body! We work together and it is so hard to see him everyday. I hate it! If there wasn’t this huge issue of the money he owes me between us, I think I could move on much more easily.
@devastated – yes, I know how you feel about having good and bad days, and having to log on here because I don’t know what else to do! That would be difficult to have to see him every day – I don’t envy you for that. Is getting the money back from him worth the anguish he’s causing you? I suppose you could go to small claims court to get him to pay you, but that would likely stir up even more feelings, but hopefully it could be handled without you having to talk to him directly.
When I have my sad days, I read over some of the suggestions people made to me under the post “when your love is interpreted as desperation†from a few days ago – we had a discussion about not feeling motivated while we are missing our EUM’s after going NC. I also try to remember the “bad things†and read the list of ways my ex-AC made me feel badly about myself that I made up just before we broke up. Then I try to do some small thing for myself to start feeling better, or I try to fill the void he left with activities with other people – lunch with friends, emailing people I haven’t contacted in a while – basically activities that don’t revolve around HIM, but still result in feeling connected to someone else, only in a positive way.
I hope your day gets better devastated – there are many of us right there with you!!!
notmeanttobe
Thanks for you advice. The money is a large sum that I loaned him in order to purchase a truck. He drives the damn thing everyday and I hate that. He has never brought up the issue and he never offers me any money. I am going broke trying to pay this bill. I am so afraid to go to small claims court. I am afraid of what he would do.
I am having many more good days then bad, but the bad are really hard. I cannot concentrate, focus or hardly move. It sucks to feel this way and I don’t want to. I know I have to bring myself out of it…just can’t figure out how!
@devastated
I’m not really qualified to give money advice, but if you are paying a monthly bill for him, can you not just stop paying it? If the truck is in his name, could you inform him you are no longer paying that bill for him so he needs to step up and pay up? or is the loan in your name?
That is a crappy situation to be in…
Oh yeah, and have you considered counselling? I’m thinking along those lines for myself to figure out why I ended up having a relationship with the AC in the first place!
Devasted
I can totally relate! I work with my xEUM and he owes me $$$. Not only does he owe me $$$ but I had allowed him to get a car under my name and now im stuck with not only him having to pay me back but with this debt that binds us together. It has been approx 8months since I broke it off with him and while it was extremely challenging in the beginning, it gets better as time passes. I will say that you have to just do the best you can to not allow the $$ that he owes you to be an excuse to keep you emotionally connected to him. At work, you need not be anything more than professional and courteous. I know its hard but YOU have to do what you can to keep yourself out of his sight (for you, not for him). I know i personally made sure for example, to arrive early and leave a little later to avoid seeing him on my way in or out of the building. I parked on the other side of the parking lot to make sure i didnt run in to him. When he called me at my desk or a project forced us to have to communicate, I kept it short, simple and stuck to what needed to be done. There were no in between pauses that would allow him nor I to ask: How are you? or How is your family? etc… Again, it does take a lot of effort and will power on your part if getting over this guy is truly your goal. Overall, what im saying is, it is possible to get over someone even when they are in your face everyday and something binds you to them… you said: *If there wasn’t this huge issue of the money he owes me between us, I think I could move on much more easily.* Yes perhaps it would be slightly less challenging to get over him, but breakups hurt and unfortunately the emotional distress that you feel is something that can only fade with time. What I have mentioned are just some tools you can use and put in place to help you along that process a little sooner. No Contact is essential for your well being and it is possible to do it with someone you work with and who owes you $$$, god knows its been a long 8 months but i can honestly say that i hardly wonder about him any more even when i am at work. Like you, every time i felt weak, I came to this site and read NML’s posts about how unappreciative, selfish and toxic these men can be. It helped me to see him for who he really is and it made me understand that i really deserve much more than that. To continue to pine for him was doing a disservice to myself and allowing him to still have control over me when they honestly (if you learn to really value and love yourself) dont deserve not even a mere ounce of our energy towards them. You have to first stop attaching so much value to someone who didnt treat you right. When you remove this high price you put on him and his supposid “love” you begin to see that what you thought was *great* really was only what you wanted to see and what you wanted him to be and not the real him. Once you truly see this, it becomes easier to avoid them, not accept their phone calls not to get butterflies everytime you see them pass by. Instead all of that gets replaced with: I have better things to do with my time than to think of you, I deserve better and now every time i see him instead of getting butterflies, i get sick to my stomach and ask myself: WHat the heck was I thinking??? LOL
I truly know you will get there as well just hang in there and do the best you can to stick to NC. It is possible even under these circumstance you just have to be really determined to do it!!! 🙂
Also, if you havent already done so, make sure you read this post about lending money to your EUM:
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/finance-romance-do-not-mix-aint-nothin-going-on-but-the-rent/
@Devastated:
I posted before I read your last post. He isn’t paying this truck on his own? If he isnt at least paying it why are you allowing him the privalage of driving it? Is it under your name? If it is, why not take him from him? I know that may cause financial issues on your end, but you still have them only he gets to drive around in this truck and not have to worry about them! I know that was one of the things that I told my xEUM. You dont pay, I take the car. I have been lucky because he makes timely payments and the car is completely under my name. But in your case, dont allow him to continue to dodge responsibility not only for the relationship but now financially for this truck. Again, not sure what the whole story is but if the truck is under your name you should take it back from him.
Karen
Thank you so much for your wonderful advice!
It is so horrible that you can relate in such a similar way to my story. I have been doing pretty well at work. We do not have to see each other, as he works in our shop and I work in the office. HE is the one who has been coming in my office to see me, as I have no reason to go to the shop. We used to take break together and eat lunch together, but we don’t anymore. I do not contact him after work at all anymore. The only time I have to deal with him is at work. I have been feeling much better the past few days, until, for some reason I woke up this morning very weepy. I took money from a credit card to loan him for the truck. I have to make that payment every month, which is what he agreed to do. I am a single mom and this is not easy. I have asked a few times for some money and I get the run around. I have sat up nights trying to figure out how to get over this money issue. I can’t just write it off, it’s not right that he is out driving the truck around and I am paying for it. I just don’t know what to do. I hate him!
Devasated
WOW we do have a lot in common! Im a single mom as well.
I know how you feel. I HATED seeing my X driving (still) the car that I helped him to purchase and me having to deal with the emotional aftermath of every thing. It just didnt seem fair. I gave him my all, believed in him and loved him and in the end he turned out to be a cheating A**hole. I felt that not only did he get to leave with another woman and not feel any remorse about it as well as a brand new car and I was left to pick up the pieces of this shitty relationship I had put myself in. I truly felt I had been used and betrayed by him and there was nothing i could do about it. It Sucks! Believe me I hear you and feel your pain!!
I learned however, that it was obvious i did not have healthy relationship habits and that perhaps this was the *epiphany relationship* that NML has mentioned in some of her posts that sometimes propels you into realizing it and making a change. I know it may not seem like a lot right now, but you somehow have to try to forgive yourself first of all for having put yourself in such a situation and know that you have two choices: You can decide to let it (and him) destroy what you have left of your self esteem and dignity OR you can choose to muster up the strength and empower yourself to come out stronger on the other side. I chose the latter. I was not about to allow how horrible he had made me feel and the way he treated me to continue to control how i handled my mess and the aftermath. He took my heart and surely did a number on me and I felt like crap but I certainly was going to make sure he saw that HE wasnt going to ruin me completely. While I could have done without this situation in my life, it has truly transformed me into the woman that I am now. I found this site and it was truly a godsend because i was completely lost, miserable and i had no clue what to do to nor why i had done the things that i had done and without knowing that i had no clue how to get better and emerge a stronger person. What i am trying to say is, there isnt much you can do about the past. What you did to put you where you are now but there is sooo much you can do to ensure you never wind up there again, and to slowly get yourself out of this predicament. Use this as an experience and a very well learned lesson about relationships that has helped you to become a better person.
As for your financial situation, there has to be something that you can do. Why are you afraid to go to small claims court? Im assuming the truck is under his name then and you just let him borrow the money? You have to try and put your emotions aside for a minute and do a little research as to what you can do from a rational perspective without letting it fully consume you. Im sorry, I wish i had more advice in this area but I really dont. I know I would have atleast attempted to go to small claims court and even if things didnt go my way leave feeling that atleast i tried. Overall though, your emotional well being should be #1. Try not to think of him and how he is or isnt feeling driving around in this truck and focus on how you are going to get fully emotionally unattached from him first so that this part no longer weighs on you so much.
@Devastated
your story is incredibly sad, but with karen’s advice and others you will hopefully stay strong and avoid contact (unless it’s for work reasons)
But I absolutely agree with karen – no money, no truck. Please stay firm on that. If the money doesn’t appear then you are (hopefully you have a male family member who can go with you) coming for the truck. At least if you had the truck in your possession you could attempt to sell it and pay off a good portion of what you owe on it.
Try not to beat yourself up about all this, we’ve all made mistakes and now we’re smarter, and we’re learning for the next time. The other good thing is that you will be able to guide your kids in making better relationship decisions as well. Everything seems terrible now, the heart break, the yearning, the anxiety, the money but you will get stronger with each passing day. NC will keep you safe.
“He had a tatoo on his back that meant strength and honor- when I think of him and that tattoo the only thing that comes to my mind is “weak and spineless.
Cheat and Liar should have been what he had tattooed on his back.”
Not the same one then. Right up to that point I was sure it was the same guy – and for the same reasons – as my ex-clown. The more I read here the more I am convinced that these are not JUST EUM men, a lot of them really do have narcissism in the clinical behavioural sense.
Which is bad news for them because it doesn’t tend to get better very often even with therapy (in fact they use therapy to learn how to manipulate better…)
@Eyes Wide Open … he sent a text hoping you survived a medical procedure and then asking if you’d still lend him money? OMG that is one of the lowest things I have ever heard!!!! Hugs (hope you are feeling better now)
Single mom, here, too, and this guy was the first time I let myself fall for anyone after being divorced for 6 years (which has now become 9 years)… how do these types of men know how to find us?
I really relate to “he should have had “cheat and liar tattooed on his back…” and he was also so charming even though not super good looking. At age 55 (I am just about 46) don’t you think by 55, a guy would be more mature and in tune with the things that really matter in life rather than taking a couple of years to build some trusting, vulnerable woman up and then shoot them down? I don’t get it…Now he is several years older and still stuck in his same pattern….
I don’t want to be that way. I want to continue to grow and change and learn and be smart and not stuck until age 55 and beyond still doing the same things like these guys are??? Yuck.
Like most of you, I just keep reading other people’s stories and advice here so that I am reminded to just keep working on myself and loving myself so that when the right person comes along, I am ready. And if it doesn’t happen for me, at least I’m not living in a sad pattern, and am trying to enjoy the journey towards my 50s, and stay mentally fit and healthy.
Thank you all for sharing yourselves… it really helps.
Just thinking of all the positives of being out of that relationship. I don’t have to know anything about his drama, his mama, his cheating, his lying, his disappearing, his bs and on ad nauseam. I was so devastated when I broke up with him I almost couldn’t function. But in the end he knew that he’d pushed me to the limits and since he couldn’t make a decision, I had to.
Now al these months later I feel so much better, I’m not pining over him and just chillin, doing my thing and looking to get back into dating again. I think I’m ready now. Before I was not ready, all I thought about was him and every man I met I compared to him because I was still living in the fantasy that he was a good person.
I never thought I’d be where I am now and this site has helped so much. When I first read NML’s book it was such an eye opener. I didn’t feel alone anymore and it helped me figure out what i had gotten myself into. It was a pivotal moment. . I can only wonder what would have happened to me if I hadn’t found this site. I’d probably still be with the AC, miserable and sad.
So to anyone that’s just starting NC and thinks that the pain will last forever, it won’t. You’ll feel twinges now and then but if you truly stick to it you’ll find he fades into the past and even if he contacts you at a a later time, which in my experience, they do, you have no obligation to answer or acknowledge them in any way. It’s not cruel, it’s self protective because the minute we start to play the fallback girl game we will be back at square one in no time.
@myalmostlover:
WELL SAID! 😉
my almost over – YOU COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT BETTER. I am where you are & i NEVER thought it would happen. it does. thank goodness & thanks NML.
Devastated,
I’m just wondering…how big is the company you both work for ??
If it is a small company can you not go to your boss, let them know confidentially what is happening ask them if (after talking to him) to take the amount owing you out of his wages every wnenever he gets paid and out it on your credit card??. If it is a possiblity you could then go to him and tell him he has a choice, it’s comes out of his wages or you go to the small claims court and he loses his truck.
At least this way, you are giving him a way to pay you and a way to keep his truck. What a piece of work this guy is, I hate him, wish I could come with you and punch his cowardly friggin nose. What a predator!!! Grrr. Remember, a happy life is the sweet revenge, make it happen for yourself you deserve it.
xx De
Karen & healingtheheart
You are 100% right! Reading your advice helps more then you know. I am working so hard to change the way I view him. He has hurt me beyond repair and still wants to be friends? NO! NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
I just comfronted him at lunch and for the first time in over a year I stood up to him and told him the way it was going to be. I backed him into a corner and told him to start paying me this Friday or give me back the truck, or we will go to court. It’s that simple. I think I was honestly afraid that if I did that, he wouldn’t speak to me anymore or my chances with him would be gone. Guess what…I don’t really care. This is the only way for me to move on with my life, this was the only thing between us and I didn’t bring in our break up or relationship or the way that things have been since. Just pure and simple…you owe me money, I want it. You all seem so strong in your desire to better yourselves and I want that too. I need to forgive myself for being so taken by the lies. I have known this guy for 10 years and we had been together for 1.5. We broke up in March.
Everyday gets easier, the ache lessens, the expectations are gone. The hoping is gone. I just need to work on ME and my kids. Thank you again for your words.
Oh ladies, and devastated, I know exactly how you feel when you have those bad days. I’ve had a few where I didn’t want to get out of bed, let alone do any kind of regualar maintenance: housework, pay bills, take a bath, etc.
I’ve found that during those times, the most important thing for me to do is to have a good meal. I tend not to eat when I get upset, or I gorge on sugar, and that sets me up for physical lows (as well as emotional) and a vicious cycle. Take yourself out to lunch! I go to the park…watch the kids play and laugh – even if I just lie there on a blanket, it is somehow soothing and helps me to feel connected and alive. I go shopping! and buy myself something that I look great in. Being around people is hard for me…I have a hard time putting on a happy face – and the more I interact with others, the more I become aware of my pain. I go for walks, I journal! I read self-help books – anything on Codependance gives me understanding and makes me feel better and at least that I’m working on better relationships in the future. The movie The Heartbreak Kid is on HBO this month – the main character is a total Mr. Unavailable and will make you laugh and feel justified and vindicated as well. Espresso helps me, he he, a good quad-shot over ice. Dance! I’m taking belly dancing classes, and they’ve been amazing.
Thankfully I avoided getting “involved” with my eum financially. He hinted several times, and after I spent most of my savings on a down payment for a home, he blew way cold and eventually found someone else – someone who wants to start a business with him, but with horrible credit and struggling financially – good luck! I was so tempted, many times, to offer him financial support, but I didn’t do it. I am so thankful. I’m so sorry for you ladies that did. I know how it feels to want to help someone you care about.
“So to anyone that’s just starting NC and thinks that the pain will last forever, it won’t. You’ll feel twinges now and then but if you truly stick to it you’ll find he fades into the past and even if he contacts you at a a later time, which in my experience, they do, you have no obligation to answer or acknowledge them in any way. It’s not cruel, it’s self protective because the minute we start to play the fallback girl game we will be back at square one in no time.”
So true! Thanks myalmostlover.
Does anyone else feel…or worry that they just won’t be able to trust again? I guess it will take time, and I’m obviously not ready to date, and so I shouldn’t and I won’t but, I’m worried that I’m just gonna be way too gun-shy to ever even meet anyone or let them in.
@devastated – my treat to myself this evening is making my very favourite curry, not easy where I am living now but since that’s my favourite “exotic” food I found the stuff for it. I am going to raise my fork in a toast to you – well done for facing your fears 🙂
Butterfly
I feel so good right now, I feel like a grew 6 inches! Thanks for the toast and enjoy your curry! I am going to go home after work today and open that expensive bottle of wine I’ve been saving and drink a glass to myself for finally standing up to him!
Also, thanks to everyone for the advice and help. I knew I could get support here if I asked. I will keep you all updated!
@devastated – good for you! I’m so glad you really did “inform him you are no longer paying that bill for him so he needs to step up and pay up†as we all suggested!!!
@myalmostlover – “Just thinking of all the positives of being out of that relationship. I don’t have to know anything about his drama, his mama, his cheating, his lying, his disappearing, his bs and on ad nauseam.†Thank you so much for this. I caught myself today wondering yet again if he missed me, as I remembered him telling me not so long ago that he thought of me as soon as he woke up in the morning, I was the last thought before he went to bed, and “many thoughts in betweenâ€, so I was wondering how he could not miss me now that we are 13 days NC. Your comment brought me back to reality, and is making me think of the positives of being *away*. I am looking forward to feeling how you do several months from now – thanks for giving us that reassurance – you too Elizabeth.
@Planet Jane- maybe your earlier comment about us needing an ego stroke just like our EUM’s is right – maybe I am missing the ego strokes myself. I’m going to look for the movie “The Heartbreak Kid†as you suggested. Oh, and I am taking belly dancing classes too (for the last 3 weeks) – Egyptian style, and loving every minute of it. Planet Jane, I am hopeful of being able to trust in the future. I think with all this “EUM knowledge†we now have, it will be easier for us to avoid people who are not good for us, and to listen to our intuition. I refuse to let my ex-AC spoil my future relationships!!!
Another suggestion I have for people is to get a massage! I just got back from a whole body massage by a really good (female) therapist, and I feel marvellous. It was nice being touched in a therapeutic way, not in a way that served someone else’s agenda.
Yahhh !! 🙂
Planet Jane. I gotta say I was just like you and after a lot of sould searching and reading and trying to figure it all out, I decided to trust myself. you don’t have to trust them, you have to learn to trust yourself and art of this is telling yourself that you don’t have to fall in-love with the first guy that asks you out or you meet. When i was done with the co-dependancy book, I moved onto the ‘how to have a first date and the rules’ and studpid books like that, I wanted to go and meet guy’s and I wanted to feel beautiful again. So I told myself, no sex until I was sure. You can do it!!
And guess what, after this episode two day’s ago and me leaving skid marks on the street, I have been asked out on two dates! I took the note from ‘the rules book’ ‘a girl that is rejected or rejects a man, cries for a day then cleans her face puts on fresh lipstick and goes out and has a good time!
Congratulations Devastated, you have just been promoted to
kick-ass girl!
xx
@notmeanttobe
Love your comment…
“It was nice being touched in a therapeutic way, not in a way that served someone else’s agenda.”
AMEN SISTA!!!
It’s about us now, not them. Thank you ladies for all your posts.
Personally I wasn’t so keen on the rules – did take a look – made me think there is probably a male site for assclowns about how to “keep those bitches in line” – just my perception that my boundaries won’t be coming from anyone else but me I guess.
Butterfly, I hear you..the only thing I took from the book was, ‘brush yourself off, cry for a day and get on with your life’. I read these book and take some of the insights and advise and see alot of this stuff as ‘pathologizing the victim’. I believe we are all healthy women, not co-dependent, not neurotic, none of these names they like to label us with. I see us as women who trust the wrong people too soon as mostly caring loving women that are preyed on by predators. It’s up to us to get wise and see them to the door when they show the signs. We have to learn the signs and thats why this site is so great.
and know we deserve the best, once we believe it for ourselves we can use it as our protection. A great book is ‘how to stop dangerous men’ a good read.
Oh and I’ve seen those nasty sites, like ‘treat her mean, keep her keen’, makes me want to vomit that there are so many women haters out there, sad, sad, sad, breaks my heart when I see women pander to men I wouldn’t wipe the floor with. Remember depression is anger turned inward, learn how to put the anger where it belongs on them!! then run for your life 🙂
xx
@planetjane
‘If they could just be up front about who they are, we could decide to have fun and walk away…or just walk away. Instead we get stuck in a limbo with guys who are perpetual party boys in “good relationship material†disguises – who just won’t commit or walk away, cuz they’ve temporarily hit the jackpot with a woman who is waiting for an elusive promise to materialize.’
this is so true and was the case with my EUM, he pretended that he wanted the same things as me and that he shared my vision of life our possible life in future, my values and then began to shift back to who he really was once he knew he had my heart and unfortunaltely body….Needless to say it was utter confusion. I had not even considered him to be in my league when we met and now he was running my emotions and life!!! In total he wasted seven good months of my life, cheated on me as a finale and said it was just sex and is now seeing the ex again and God knows who else….it was total humiliation socially and workwise as we share a large social circle. He is now the full party animal although he had toned down for me and everyone thinks he is still a great catch and wonders why i let him go? if only they knew how narcissitic, manipulative and selfish he was even now with my feelings…I still shudder thinking about it and how out of touch of reality I was and yet cant really get him out of my head three months on as we are in the same social circle alost every weekends..what to do???? he apologised a while ago for his treatment of me and for cheating and then proceeded to invite me over later that night….how sincere….:-|
I am moving away soon, I hope this helps the situation but in the meanwhile it sucks and the sight of him makes me so mad!!
I absolutely love this post!! and thank you ladys for sharing your stories! These make the rest of us feel stronger!.
A note about self help books I read “why Men Marry Bitches” If you ever get a chance to read it, read it! Its by far the funniest book I have read on dating and definitely empowers you and prepares you when you are ready to date again.
Good luck every one! Much love xoxoxox
@notgoingbackthere: no comment about you personally or anyone else but I am SOOOOOO tired now of reading the same old same old from everyone, and yet seeing new bits to rationalise into “yeah me too”. NML,seriously, GET INTO PRINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ooops thought this was a different thread so two posts.
So I am seeing someone “casually” who mailed when we are arranging the next date and said that Sunday was out cos his best friend wanted to go out on Sunday and this phrase leaped out a mile: “Sorry! Only one best friend in (country)”. Now I am pretty sure that this is liable to be female from what I know of him – met him before I found this site and I’m finding myself reading that differently to what I would have before. I’d have thought this was a male pal before – now this just looks different, not “This is my only male buddy I am close to” and “Don’t even think you’re going to be important to me”.
What do you think? Certainly socially this guy was more than out of my league in the first place but I am also concerned that I am over analysing the situation.
V-
My ex wasn’t attractive, but he was in great physical shape and a personal trainer. Basically he was surrounded by women all day and it was his job to be charming and make people feel good. But boy was he a jerk outside of the gym! After him I vowed that if I dated a guy who was a jerk, at least I’d be able to say he was cute. Thanks to this site, I built up my confidence a bit and raised my standards. I went right up to the most attractive guy one night and had a date a few days later. I looked past all the talk, and could immediately tell he was an EUM, so I dropped him and moved on. No trying to make him something he wasn’t, no being desperate, no betting on his potential.
@Butterfly-
Did you have definite plans for Sunday? If you did, he should be expected to honor those plans-unless he found out that his friend was flying in from another country, and that would be the only day he could see him.:)
If you did have definite plans, then this sounds like a person who will cancel his appointments if something better comes along-in which case, but him loose now.
If you did not have definite plans for Sunday, then his wanting to postpone the date doesn’t seem so bad.
Ah, I’ve been reading this site for a while, recognizing myself and the kinds of men I’ve dated in so many posts. My EUM just ended things with me and I’m mad because I let him have the last word, instead of just going NC like I planned. We only dated 3 months, I met him online and he said he was looking for a long-term relationship. When we met I was very attracted to him and found him charming, smart, witty, etc. But after we started sleeping together he started becoming evasive, rude and cold. All of our communication was about sex and he would get angry if I asked about future plans, whether he wanted to be exclusive, exclusive. He told me we needed to have a ‘don’t ask don’t tell policy’ if we were going to keep things ‘piping hot.’ I don’t know why i went along with this. I felt so humiliated and stupid. The last time we hung out felt really romantic and sweet and I was hopeful. The next day I texted “I like you” to him and he replied with “You shouldn’t like me too much. It’s not worth it and it makes me uncomfortable.” He then continued with “You’re not the only one I”m sleeping with, and please don’t like me too much.” I was angry and replied with some harsh words…I felt so hurt and embarrassed. Then I back pedaled and apoligzied via email. His reply:
I don’t hate you, but I don’t want to sleep with you anymore, and I’m too wary of your having a spazz again to be friends with you at this point. This is too much drama for what was supposed to be friends with benefits and NOTHING MORE.
I feel humiliated.
@Butterfly
I meant to say “cut him loose now.”
@Penny – no plans for sure for Sunday though he knows I prefer a Sunday evening as I work during the day on Saturday and like to either just relax or treat it as a not very special evening. I am going to analyse why that it – I’m in a different country now and don’t need to worry about the crowds, fights and general nastiness of the UK on a Saturday night. In fairness I cancelled the last two dates for health reasons …
@hearts Oh hon, just throw him away and be VERY very glad he was so upfront with who and what he is. This type of guy who states up front at least you know who and what he is, I bet he didn’t say on your first date “OK so we are friends with benefits and nothing more”.
FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS = ASSHOLE OF THE HIGHEST ORDER, RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN *OR* deal with it exactly as what it is and don’t get involved. Some women just need the sex too after all.
What I am hearing is what is in that email, and I am sorry to say this but I actually can imagine and it is too much drama if my imagination is correct. Learn from this experience honey, if anyone starts being cold and weird once you have slept with them then cut it dead.
I hope you ladies are all using condoms (just as a general comment, not @ hearts). Frankly there’s something I’d run a mile from, the guy who won’t use condoms …
To fellow NC’ers,
I had a bad NC moment earlier tonight, just when I felt things were going so well. I was on MSN, under the account where I still have my ex-AC as a contact, only he’s been blocked since we broke up. Anyway, his status showed what songs he was listening to, and I could see they were some of the more “romantic†ones we listened to and sang to each other when we were together. I thought maybe he was missing me, and in a weak moment I unblocked him so he could see I was online. I didn’t send him an IM, and he didn’t send me one, and I was only “visible†to him for about 10 or 15 minutes, but the end result was I felt kind of disappointed that he didn’t message me. I know this is not sticking to strict NC, and I feel good that I didn’t send him a message. But one part of me is feeling rejected that he didn’t message me! How pathetic is that???? Any advice on how to get up the courage to finally delete him from MSN instead of just blocking him? I know I was “playing with fire†by unblocking him momentarily (he is blocked again) but I’m finding it so hard to let go of this last connection – even harder than actually breaking up with him!!! I am so scared of him getting ticked off, and possibly having that affect my brother (who works for him).
@hearts_glasses – I am so sorry to hear about how your EUM has treated you. His message to you was not respectful at all, and it’s no wonder you feel humiliated. I felt humiliated too, when I realized by ex-AC only really wanted me to fulfill his physical needs. I don’t think you need to give him the courtesy of any more communication – you can start NC as of now and have your own closure that way. (you could read NML’s post on the no contact rules). I know that my message above sounds like NC is a struggle, and it is, but your EUM has made it clear he wants FWB only, does not want emotions involved, and has misled you with saying he wanted a long term relationship in the beginning. Best of luck to you…
heard on the tube a few nights ago
“Rejection is God’s protection”
Speakin of worship, I will preach the virtue of staying with the No Contact faith. Just believe in it and keep living it. The frequency and intensity of the sadness and hard times lessens with each passing day, week, and then month. The craziness and roller coaster of emotions, of waiting, endless waiting… will mercifully fade to distant memory.
Gather a few statements to confront the habit of contact when the urge comes up. Works well for obsessive thoughts too. Two that suited me well were the fantasy statement…” I can honestly say the MR. X was one of the the kindest, most loving men I have known ” ( hahaha) and the reality statement ” Mr X is not willing ( or capable, mature. interested…your choice) in a healthy relationship with me.”
Devastated…great that you finally confronted the AC’s free ride with “no money = no truck” I will add that if he’s an excuse prone AC, as so many of ’em are….be sure to add NO exceptions to the above double no no’s. Keep that up, you are getting out of the AC fog, into clarity, you go girl !
Hearts-this is EXACTLY the kind of email I used to get from my EUM! It makes you feel so many things at the same time-mostly, “Who the f*ck do you think you are? Get over yourself!” and “Ouch, this hurts, but why don’t you like me? Why do you have to push me away?”
But they’re telling you basically that they don’t really like you that much, you’re only good for a shag or a bj and don’t expect anything from them!
Would you EVER operate like this? Say ANYTHING like this to another person? NO! So, consider the source!
hearts_glasses
What this guy has said to you sickens me, and I understand (believe me) about being humiliated by an awful guy that could not care less about me in the end. The thing with EUMs is that EVERYTHING you do and say that makes them think you expect things from them they label as DRAMA. When an EUM does something that makes you upset, like ignoring or in general being a j*ckass, it is hard not to want to lash out, which is what you did. Maybe it wasn’t the best approach, but it wasn’t the worse thing you could’ve done. You’re human. Forgive yourself, and please forget about what a loser like him thinks about you. He sure as hell is no prize. A big jerk is what he is. Even if you were a perfect little angel (how boring would that be~), he still would never have transformed into a guy that deserved you. With idea of moving forward, never speak to him again, and only date guys worthy of you.
Aphrogirl,
Once again, marvelous post. I love what you said “Rejection is God’s protection”. I firmly believe that. And oddly, my friends and I have been talking about just that. I firmly believe and time has only confirmed, that I was removed from my situation for a higher purpose. Tomorrow is my 6 months NC anniversary. It has been really hard, the hardest 6 months of my life. But, I know that everything happens for a reason, and I hope I know some day what the reason is that I became involved with such a vile, horrible person. I think that one day I will know. If I can come back from this, I can come back from anything.
My AC asked me to borrow money too. I believe he had no intention of paying it back. I have asked him to pay me back (before we broke up) and given him several chances, with no results, just lies. I really can’t pursue the money with my situation, as I am certain he would blackmail me and threaten me. So even though I am pissed at the thought of him extorting my money, I have to be smart and not let him take anything else from me.
Karen – Your posts continue to help me so much. You said that I have come a long way. I really hope so, but I just don’t see it. It is hard to come back out of the depths of hell and despair, as you know.
I guess my main struggle, other than having to be in close proximity and run the risk of seeing him every day is this: I have recently decided that I am going to stay out of his line of sight, for me and him. I just feel every time I go out my front door, the neighbor AC is always staring (at OW if she is out or at me if I am out), and it is not fair to give him free eye candy for nothing in return. I have tired of trying to interpret his sometimes blank, amnesic stares, then sometimes his sad puppy look stares, etc. It has been 6 months and he has not tried to contact me to discuss US in any way. I don’t even want him to see me anymore, and it hurts me to much to see him, as each time is a reminder that nothing I will ever do will prompt him to contact me, as much as I have tried. My main issue is dealing with the hurt that I mean nothing to him after everything we shared for 7 months. By him not contacting me and fighting for ME, he has proven that he can comfortably live without me, has no remorse for his actions, doesn’t miss me, and was fully able to move on with his life like WE never happened. How does this work? Because I sure can’t do it…. Does anyone have ANY advice on how to deal with this? When he looks at me, he feels nothing? He has no DESIRE to speak to me again after I did nothing to him but ask for mutual respect? He is so happy in his life without me in it? I just don’t GET IT!!!!!
Thanks guys! Yeah, I’ve read the “how to” date books, Why Men Love Bitches, He’s Just Not That Into You, Face it You’re Just Not That into Him Either, Mars and Venus on a Date – Sadly, I read them all to try and figure out what went wrong with my last (8 yr) relationship and what I was doing/had done wrong and how to “get” my (current) eum to want/love me. Ohhhhhh, pathetic. Thank goodness for this site. But, I’m armed with so much information I’ll probably never have sex again! 🙂 I know it will take time…and thank you de-lightedtobefree – I will trust myself from now on. And I’ll realize, as I go, that I take relationships seriously – no matter what I may want to tell myself so that I can join the kids in the playpen – love and sex is not a game to me. I deserve to protect myself and to take myself and my wants and needs (my heart) seriously. That is my best lesson from my xeum.
Love.
@notmeanttobe delete delete delete delete delete delete! Maybe he was testing you? Maybe he was playing them cos of someone else? I don’t want to upset you but wake up, get rid, feel better.
If we are to believe in ‘the law of attraction’ theory (which I ‘m reading now :), we attract these men cause they mirror how we feel deep within ourselves. We have attracted women haters!! and it is our deep self hatred that has knocked at our door. We have to change our deep inner being…to see ourselves as womderul beautiful loving woman, really really!! it’s deep work, it means locking your door, locking everythought of them out and concentrate on you!! give yourself the love that they are stealing and not respecting. Love you, know you are the best there is, open your heart to you. what do you like, what do you love..flowers? laughter? what makes your heart sing? We have one life, this is it..I pray to god all the time to give me signs and he does. Look for the signs that the universe is loving you, look at the abudance god has blessed you with. Your beautiful beautiful children. I can’t have children so am very jealous of the unconditional love and affection a mother gets from her child…all that love 🙂
Love will knock on the door, we have to be our best selves and be ready for it when it arrives. The past and the jerks are behind you..close the danmed door!
heart of glass…this man is a woman hater, feel releived you have escaped him. you got tricked thats all. you are safe from his clutches, thank god!!!
Look out for the woman haters, and these are the men who are cheating..miserable love when you see him out your window, see a woman hater, that is violating your neigbour as he vilolated you…rapists of the heart mind and soul…thats what they are!!
trickters and conmen.
peace
@miserable love – you say how you ae hurting,realising that after 7 months you meant nothing to him.I am feeling the same way about my 3 year relationship.How is it possible to be fooled for so long?It makes me feel I’m crazy sometimes-did I imagine everything?And when I think how when I said to him “You said you loved me for the first time a few weeks ago,now you are telling me you have met the person of your dream…”And his reply was a) to deny he could have said it,and then b) followed that gem up with “Well,I couldn’t have meant it,or otherwise I felt pressured into saying it”.LIES LIES.Maybe he didn’t mean it,but I NEVER pressured him,ever!!!
How easily words,meaningless words just flow from their mouths.
And about him denying there was ever an “us”-all my AC said when I tried to get some info out of him as to how,why,what about “us”(as you can imagine I was totally blindsided)-all he said was “we” are in thepast,he doesn’t belong to me,and he has chosen to move on.Goodbye.
Never in a million years would I treat my worst enemy with such disrespect and lack of empathy.I feel like you do-if I feel devastated,shocked etc,how is it that he is able to dispose of me in a day,and have cut all feelings etc he MIGHT have had?Can someone really be so hard emotionally?But I understand where you are,and I think the only medicine is time and distance.
By the way,to all of you,my therapist said it is good to just talk and talk-because by talking and hearing the words you are making the situation YOUR reality,by processing it you deal with it.It’s not good to just stew over it all in your mind.So this forum is the perfect place to be for support and to help the healing.And as we hear the same advice,the same stories just different people,so we are able to see it’s not US,it’s THEM!!!So thanks to everyone for sharing.It helps me to see when I doubt myself that I am NOT crazy!!
Anyway,having a weepy day-post anaesthetic I think.
@Eyes Wide Open: I send you my day. I chose to walk part of the way home through the park, which after all the rains here is one of the many lush green spaces in the city. My path was dappled with sunlight, the weather too humid for my liking which made me look forward to the peace and cool of my home. MY home. My space.
It was beautiful, the people happy, I realise I would have none of this if I was not alone and more to the point I can say with absolute certainty that I didn’t think any negative thoughts once (well maybe “I need a long cold drink!”)
I have made a commitment today to myself to make a list of that day’s objectives large or small and to live in a more organised way. Ticking off small acheivements (sorting out the many papers around, getting “a place for everything and everything in it’s place” is a challenge to someone messy like me 🙂 ) to the larger ones (going to the gym, healthy eating, girly maintenance).
So I send you sunshine and smiles, because we all deserve them and I got lucky this morning 🙂
Butterfly-thank you!!I read in one of the above posts,sorry can’t remember who wrote it,but they said they had allowed themselves one weepy day,wiped their eyes and put on their lipstick..
This morning I cried for the first and last time over him.I got up and literally put on my lipstick!Although I am still imobile I have been sitting out in the garden,planning my projects for my spring/summer garden,something that will keep my mind focussed,and bring me joy!
I have thought about a whole lot of things I am going to do for ME.I realise how little money I was spending on myself,because I was buying him anything he asked for (or didn’t).Ironically,at the end,he said he’d never asked for anything(he did),but to me,the fact he accepted it all meant something.Also,thinking back,he never remembered my birthday once,and the only thing he ever gave me was a dvd,which someone else had given to him as a gift.Sorry,I digress.I didn’t ever want anything in the line of gifts etc from him,just his time and affection.Reading this,I wonder why on earth I allowed myself to be treated like this for 3 years!Maybe 2,the first he was still blowing very hot,but as soon as he saw I was interested,that was the end.
What amazes me is that he is in his 40’s(never been married) and I am almost 40,and many posters are also “mature”.This all seems like stuff I should have gone through as a teenager,not at my stage of life!!
Anyway,to get back to Butterfly-I’m glad your day was lovely,thank you for sharing it with me!!
JC – Yup. Great guy. Yeah I know that.
My AC moved here after retiring from the Army –
No job – two months here gets a job at Walmart –
the best job he could get after 13 years in the Army – go figure. Anyway, starts up with a woman he works with – he tells me ” we can talk about current events, medicine” -oh fucking spare me – the same MO he had with me and probably every other woman he has lured in his web.
They live together now – oh and how he dumped me- he left me in the parking lot of Walmart on day when I went to pick him up – emailed me two hours later probably from her house to tell me he had “things to think over”.
I have never felt so abandoned in my life.
Money wise- not a dime to his name unless he was hiding it somewhere – I paid for everything to get him up here.
Looks – no. Charm and everything else, yes. He knows how to play it and I am sure he is playing her right know.
let her listen to the lies.
I think to myself sometimes – she won – but really what did she win???? She won a cheat and a liar.
Lucky her. The booby prize.
I won my self esteem and confidence back and the chance to make better choices and not settle for Mr. Assclown.
@eyes wide open – “he never remembered my birthday once,†– same here!!!
“I didn’t ever want anything in the line of gifts etc from him, just his time and affection… I wonder why on earth I allowed myself to be treated like this†– same here!!!
“many posters are also “matureâ€. This all seems like stuff I should have gone through as a teenager, not at my stage of life!!†I agree, and was thinking this very thought a few days ago.
@Butterfly – I just DELETED him from MSN!!!!! Thank you for your encouragement to do that, and thanks to Anusha, too. I feel really sad right now, and already wonder if I should have done it, but I trust you that I will feel better in the end. Off to have a little cry now…..
@notmeanttobe Good for you 🙂 Now, like the rest of NC, you have to stop worrying whether or not he will notice that you deleted him or not, if he cares or not … this gets easier and easier and easier with time. Does your brother know the story, btw? Without drama etc?
I also am thinking that this all feels very teenage and desperate – I think at that age we are waaaaay too caught up in ourselves and then by late 20s to 50s we’re in our “mothering” years. Doesn’t make this idiots so attractive if we think of them that way does it?
If you haven’t got a copy of NMLs book yet I recommend doing so. She doesn’t pull her punches … looking forward to the next one!
NML, how’s the “How to Lose an Assclown in 90 days” ebook coming along?
@Butterfly
Thanks – you are right I MUST stop worrying what he thinks – he is taking up too much of my brain energy still, and I broke up with him 2 weeks ago. I have not read NML’s book yet, but I may get it after I am done reading “Women Who Love too Much”, which I bought yesterday.
My brother has absolutely no idea about my relationship with my ex-AC, and I would be mortified if her ever found out. The AC is a MM, and we all work in the same line of work, and so I would also be mortified if any of our colleagues found out. My brother just thinks I know him through work because the AC and I have to work together planning and facilitating conferences 3 times per year. The difficult part is, the AC hired my brother, partly as a favour to me. What a mess I have gotten myself into.
My next challenge will be seeing the ex at the conference next month. I will have to interact with him, so will need to be feeling strong at that point to maintain a kind of NC that I’m not experienced at yet. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Thanks again for you support – you have no idea how much it means to me as no-one in my family or friends knows about my relationship with my AC. It has been a huge secret which I have been dealing with alone until I found this site. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
I am laughing at myself reading some of these posts. My AC never bought me ONE THING, oooohhhh I’m sorry, that is wrong!!!!!!!!!!! I was leaving for vacation and we had talked about getting each other something that only we would know the meaning to to carry with us when we were apart. He did SPLURGE and get me a pack of $.89 dark chocolate peanut M&M’s!!! Now, that is LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I believe that is the ONLY thing he ever spent money on related to ME, after 7 months. He was so romantic, generous, kind, thoughtful, etc. The M&M’s just proved it further. WOW! I am sure you all are jealous of the love my AC has for ME! : } Well, he is no longer mine, because he cut me off cold turkey one day and decided he didn’t owe me the respect of telling me to my face, just disappeared with no warning and only after telling me he loved me, so he is available. OOOOOPPPPS, no he’s not! Sorry girls, he took up with the woman across the street. I know you all are disappointed, maybe there are more AC’s out there as generous as mine. : } : } : } : }
Not meant to be,
Just wanted to share that after I created NC with the MM, he did show up at one of the places he knew where I would be, and did try to talk to me, and I was very polite, but one of the first things I asked him when he started to get that “puppy dog” look on his face was “So, how is your wife?” “You guys doing okay?” (and I used her name)
He got shifty eyed and said something like “well, I don’t know…. same I guess” and that sort of ended anything personal.
I could tell it upset him, but it put me in control.
I don’t know if he’ll confront you when you see him next month or try to be anything but business-like (and for your sake, I hope he is only business-like), but if he tries to reel you in a bit, you can try the “So, how’s your wife, how’s your relationship thing.” It makes you realize you did the right thing
(for me, I was duped into believing the were in the middle of a divorce and he wanted to marry me, but it’s all the same in the end… they’re cheaters, and we were naive enough to let them)
Good luck with that. Arm yourself now and take care of you!
@lisa
Thank you for that great idea – I will keep that line (question) in my pocket for when I have to see him again. I feel better prepared already with a strategy that has already worked for you. Love this site!
Thanks for your kind words, you lovely ladies! I am feeling better and know in my heart that this clown would’ve only continued to cause me pain.
@Butterfly – you’re right — this does feel teenage and desperate! I’ll be 36 in 3 months and I have to admit that my interactions with men seem to have been arrested at about age 16.
@delighted tobe free — i do belive, somewhat, in the laws of attraction theory. And it makes me sad to see how these guys tend to show up when my self-esteem is in the toilet.
But I am taking action – I’ve started working with a new therapist (Cognitive Behavioral) and am learning to develop and stick to my boundaries with my verbally abusive alcoholic father (the ultimate EUM!).
Love and strength to all of you! 🙂
@ Miserable Love
LOOOL! Does it count if the AC paid for the cheap hotel room he was hoping to seduce me in? Didn’t work thank God, hmm maybe that’s why he stopped talking (and by ‘talking’ I mean texting as well lol) to me!
just to clarify: texting was ACs sole means of communication, other than when we were together, when he would actually talk…about sex practically non stop.
Note to self: Mel, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, WOMAN!!!???
About the ego stroke/phone call/eum “missing†me, I realize that the thing I have to accept is that I can’t always expect to end up “on top.” I was left. He doesn’t want me – for whatever reasons, doesn’t matter. The best scenario for me is that he does fully move on and never calls me again, because that’s the only way I’ll be able to move on with my life and get this guy – who doesn’t even deserve to be there, and I know it – out of my head and my heart! And in order to do that, I have to accept that he just doesn’t want a relationship with me. I “lost.” It just happens sometimes. This isn’t a Hollywood movie. This isn’t a happy ending. It’s bound to happen in life. We’re bound to lose some, and win some! It doesn’t mean we’re bad or worthless…at all! It means we’re human.
I’m so glad I’ve learned this. I think sometimes what we’ll do to avoid the pain of loss is worse than the pain itself!
OMG…and as I finish this…I get a text from him, after NC for a month. It says: “hope you are doing well. yours truly me.” Son of a biatch!
De-lightedtobefree, what is the name of the book on the laws of attraction, and who’s the author? Thanks!
Mel: HAHA, yes as you know I was in a strictly texting only relationship too. The very little time we were together, I noticed, was for mostly sex talk or sexual contact. I think we had the same AC.Funny that you bring up the hotel room. My AC has lied so many times about that type of thing. I had to go out of town for a long weekend and AC said that he wanted to go with me and said he booked the seat right next to me on the plane. I booked the hotel HE wanted, planned the weekend, etc. Well about 6 hours before the flight left, as I feared would happen, he contacted me and said that there was a mishap with the seat assignments, etc., and that he didn’t have a reservation after all. Well I was devastated, but said, ok well come later in the day or first thing the next morning. Well he has excuse after excuse and he never showed up the whole weekend.
Another incident (and this is very embarassing for me to say because I completely trusted him), he said that he booked our nicest hotel for a night to check in early and check out the next day late. He said that he ordered a suite, strawberries and champagne, in room massage and pedicure for me, the total treatment. That morning he left to go “check us in” and I left around 10a.m. to head toward the hotel so I could be down there when he called as “valet was supposedly” waiting for me to arrive and take my car. I was on top of the world, so excited, so happy to finally have alone time to talk and hold each other. I am embarassed about the part that I wore lingerie under my clothes to surprise him. Well right after I left the house, he texted me to say that there was a mix up at the hotel and to go hang out somewhere until I heard from him again to come there. I literally sat in my car for 5, I repeat 5 hours…… I texted him several times and he said he was working on it, then I finally get the text that it wasn’t going to work out and that they overbooked the suite and had to give him a credit voucher for another visit. But when I saw him shortly thereafter, he refused to show me the credit voucher. I had wasted an entire work day, and was so distraught that another thing had not worked out. Several times when I was out of town for work, I invited him to join me, he said he would come, and never showed. I was always so hurt and disappointed that he wasn’t making me a priority. I was NEVER a priority. I put up with the texting only relationship for a long time, but when I asked him if he wanted to be with me more, he said he did, but it never materialized. I never understood that, like I was too much “work” for him. And I was very tolerant and accepting of his crumbs, but he would still say that I expected too much from him. Hell, he does live two doors down, all I had to do when he was saying he was busy and couldn’t see me, was go out and see him sitting in his chair in the garage reading a book!!!!! OMG! WTH!!!! One time I asked him how come he was too busy if he is reading, and he actually got pissed that I was checking on him and accused ME of being a stalker…. Can you believe that??? I am thinking: how can you pursue me for 4 years (stalker) even after I avoided his advances for 2 years, only to call ME the stalker??? I was so hurt that he looked at me that way. I just wanted to be with him and love him. I would have been happy with a couple times a week…(lowering my standards and expectations for him like this article points out). I have been through some rough times with him. But he will tell you that I never treated him bad, or caused him any misery, and at least I can live with that…
PlanetJane, How are you and most everyone else getting their AC’s to contact them??? I have wished and prayed for some sort of contact for 6 months (today) and have gotten nothing…I know everyone has said I am better off, but part of me wishes he would contact me and you all seem to have all the luck!!!!!!!!!! I just can’t seem to catch a break – or maybe I am the blessed one. HAHA. Who knows??
@Miserable Love you are indeed better off with him not contacting you. Remember when they contact it is not about you, but THEM. they want to see if they still hold any power over you. Nothing more nothing less. his contacting you will set your healing back and you are moving forward my girl, onto your better life.
The AC has never contacted me and the only time I expect he will, if ever is the day I am truly over him..that’s when they seem to resurface isn’t it? like they have a radar warning ‘she’s over you now, get in touch, lol!” I hope to be healed enough not to let it faze me if it ever happens, and the best case scenario will be that I am completely indifferent to him. Can’t wait for that day!
it’s no victory for you if he contacts you and if he does you are still to vulnerable I feel, and likely to fall right back into the drama. I do understand your wanting to hear from him…i have felt that way too, even recently.
But I have to remind myself that my ‘wanting’ is merely me seeking validation from him and that this seeking is no different from self harming! i am basing my identity and worth as a woman on what the AC thinks of me. I am respecting the opinion of a liar, a cheat, and a manipulative user over my own opinion of myself…? WHAT? Er… i don’t think so!
This bit of self talk soon brings me round. Hugs to you. You will soon see that you had a lucky escape. I think that even though he cut ME off. I could be the ‘lucky’ recipient of weekly cheap and ever more degrading sex in a cheaper hotel with a cheap AC! Someone far more worthy will come along at the right time and until then, I am enjoying getting ‘myself’ back.
OMG Miserable Love! Are you seriously wanting contact, after 6 months, with the “stalker” that you described in the paragraph above? That ditched you all those times and lied, and…seriously? Girrrrrrll. No. NO. I was humiliated just reading that sh*t. Seriously, honey, you’re better off. YOU’RE BETTER OFF!
Ok, you want contact so you can not respond and blow him off right? Ok, ok, I’m sorry, but you’re still better off. You are. It’s SO much easier to see these things from the outside.
I’m ok with the minimal text contact from my xeum. I’ve been feeling guilty about leaving things on a bad, er…silent note, and it’s ALMOST caused me to call him a few times. So when he texted me, “hope you’re doing well. yours truly me.” I texted back, “Thanks.You too A.” And, for me, that leaves it on a positive note…no hard feelings, whatevs. (He IS my best friend’s brother.) I just hope I haven’t opened the door, which, I now realize, if he doesn’t have a chick and is looking to fill the void, I may have opened the door to him. But I’m turning off my phone tonight. I ST(MFing)G. I will not be pulled in again. NO.
The thing is ML, you won’t blow him off anyway. you’ll get sucked right back in to all the drama and wanting to show him what a mistake he’s made etc.
Your worth is INDEPENDENT of what he does or doesn’t think or do. Think of his disappearance and non contact as vermin or roaches leaving your house for more food/filth across the street. They’re gone because your house is too clean for them to feel comfortable. Why would you ever want them back? Why Why WHy? NEVER do it to yourself ML, you are worth so much better.
How DO you lose an AC in 90 days!? For Chrissakes 😉
@Planet Jane
That’s what I wanna know too!!! It looks like 28 days isn’t enough time, is it?
@ PlanetJane,
Just a guess, but I imagine it is like quitting any other addiction. Kicking smoking or drinking takes just a moment. Repeated time after time. Notice that Alcoholics Anonymous survivors refer to themselves as “recovering alcoholics”.
I wonder if there is a term for “recovering emotionally unavailable drama survivor” or something? I think the Navy, when I went to boot camp, took 12 or 14 weeks to turn civilians into sailor-trainees. But their secret of success was a guarded, fenced, strict “No Contact” with civilian influences.
I can remember incidents from my childhood, some quite clearly. That is more years ago than seems to make sense. I imagine that memories of your EUM or AC will be with you always. The power those memories have over your life, though should dwindle as you accumulate time away from reminders (No Contact), as you replace the places in your daily life that used to contain him with thoughts, activities, plans, and people that are unrelated to the bozo, and as you practice not dwelling on thoughts of the bozo. Learning and re-learning your own strengths and abilities, your skills to care for yourself and provide joy in your life will help carry through the darker moments. And if I recall Paul Harvey correctly, listening to rock music is faster and more effective than most anti-depressant meds. And chocolate.
Some people find strength and hope in an active community, whether neighbors, family, special interest, hobby or craft, or faith based.
Disengaging, breaking yourself out of the habit of thinking of the bozo as part of your life, is a measure of how much you have put into that relationship, and has nothing to do with whether he was worth the effort or the anguish. If the EUM or AC had been worthy and responsible, engaged and committed, then the difficulty in breaking away now would be the glue that would bind your shared lives together.
I wonder where NML’s next eBook is, too!
Oh yes those words “I miss you” certainly got me into trouble because I believed them like a fool… but I know better..
But how strange it is how these “relationships” work just when I think as NML says Im flogging a dead horse he starts to run hot well hot for him.. but it honestly can never go back to how it was and I was unhappy back then too so I don’t want it too and it will never be how I want it.. so I don’t know just leaving it alone ..
Well done Anusha on staying away for so long hope you continue to stay strong..
Mel and PlanetJane:
I know you guys are right, I am better off. I am not easily recovering from the rejection. He cut ME OFF. Out of nowhere, a blow to the head, heart and soul for sure. I have thought many times that if he does contact me, I hope I am strong enough not to fall for him and his lies again. I also know that, as my luck would have it, as soon as I was “over him”, he would then contact me, just to “mess” me up again. : } I see all this I really do. I definitely DID base my worthiness as a woman, my self-esteem, identity, etc. on him, because I trusted him, he said he loved me and wanted me, wanted US, etc. I gave of myself completely to him, to have it all completely destroyed.
How do I get all that “back”? I know that he never “took” literally, but in my eyes but the way he treated me, talked to me, didn’t value me as a person, didn’t care about me or my feelings, all that I had wrapped up in him was destroyed by his last comment to me ” I have too much shit going on to deal with you.” I felt violated and stripped of everything I thought I was. I know that he has been happily living without me for 6 months, and it is not like I want a relationship back with him. I have been waiting for him to be a human with human feelings and show remorse for his actions. I have been wanting contact exactly for that, validation. I have felt that only HE can restore all the things including my self-esteem and dignity that he took away from me. I am glad I wasn’t holding my breath. I felt so rejected and wished that I had been the one to make the decision to dump him, as he dumped to the side of the road like street trash, and I had NO SAY and NO DECISION-MAKING ABILITY FOR MY LIFE. I feel that he stole my future with him from me, along with proved how much he doesn’t care about my feelings, my life, my future, etc. All this time, I have been hoping that he would feel bad for how he treated me, and contact me and let me know that, but nothng. He acts like we never existed, that I never meant anything to him, and that he never loved me, which is proven as each day passes. For me, I would just like to know if he even thinks about me, misses me, has some feelings of sadness for how he treated me, any kind of sign from him. I think that would restore my sense of loss. If I am better off without him ever contacting me, how do I show him that I am the one that is better off without HIM? How do I get him to look at me and think, “Man, what did I do, I let the best woman I have ever met walk out of my life because I was an asshole?” How do I portray this to him now? After being so rejected by someone, how do you ever get your confidence back? I want him to know what he has lost and I don’t know how to achieve that if he won’t or has no desire to talk to me. How did you all come back from this, with the knowledge that the AC doesn’t even attempt to contact you, which makes you feel worse knowing they don’t value you, or miss you???
One more thing, does the AC have respect for me now since I refused to put up with his bullshit? Is he in awe that I have gone 6 months and not contacted him? Has it hurt HIS EGO? Does he look at me and say” Wow, she is one classy lady and doesn’t even take MY shit!” Walking away and not contacting him is the only thing I could do to preserve what dignity I had left, which as not much…..
@ML
“For me, I would just like to know if he even thinks about me, misses me, has some feelings of sadness for how he treated me, any kind of sign from him. I think that would restore my sense of loss. If I am better off without him ever contacting me, how do I show him that I am the one that is better off without HIM?”
ML, believe me, I know how you feel – I know how this feels. But read the sentences I quoted above. You’re relying on HIM to restore your sense of loss, and to prove/mirror that you’re better off without him. IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to do, let alone someone who treated you like dirt, and whom you haven’t spoken to in 6 months! It’s never gonna happen. You’re the only one that has to live with you. You’re the only one that can deal with your own feelings.
YOU need to restore your sense of loss…as you would with any other loss. And YOU need to know that you’re better off without him.
And I’M gonna take my own advice here! 🙂
@miserable love – WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS?
🙂
That’s what you are aiming for, honey. Who cares, not in a directed and scornful way. Imagine that you are a bumble bee – you’re buzzing around collecting pollen – oh look the sun is a bit low in the sky, time to get this lot back to the hive to make honey … buzz buzz buzz buzz …
Does that bumble bee think about what your ex-clown thinks? No … and neither should you, cos if you scale it up from bee to woman you have MUCH more important things to be thinking about x
Like PlanetJane I am going to take my own advice here too, I am going to the gym this morning, going to spring clean my apartment this afternoon, going to do my hair and nails this evening and I am going out tonight with a friend – and none of this means didn’t squat to the ex-ass (ha ha ex-ass … he’d be ex-ass bagagge!) nor do I care that this is the case. YAY!
(and if in the middle of that I feel sad and cry for a while so what? better out than in, or flung at someone who doesn’t deserve it)
@ ML:
Every word you have written could have been written by me as recently as 1 month ago. But I have moved on a lot and what has helped me do it is detaching my self worth from him: his thoughts, his opinions, his everything.
The way I see it is this. He is not your slave master. He does not own you. he did not create you. You most probably lived a reasonably happy life before he hurricaned his way into it, dismantled you and moved on without looking back. yes, he caught you off guard, yes you gave yourself over to him and yes he cut you off, moved on and doesn’t give a sh*t.
Of course it’s out of order, of course he should know what he’s done and what he has lost but the reality is that he DOESN’T. He does not have it in him to love you, and as much as it hurts, wishing it were any other way is futile.
‘If I am better off without him ever contacting me, how do I show him that I am the one that is better off without HIM? How do I get him to look at me and think, “Man, what did I do, I let the best woman I have ever met walk out of my life because I was an asshole?†How do I portray this to him now?’
Honey, you don’t show him squat. It isn’t about him. You show YOURSELF. You are still making it all about him and you know what? That is the precise reason why you are still in so much pain. you are empty of love for yourself and you are looking to someone who is NOT CAPABLE of giving you what you need to fill a void that only God and you can fill.
Here’s the thing. This is is who you are:
You are a beautiful, rare, precious and unique vase, of infinite value. You were made to be cherished and to hold fresh water and show off beautiful fresh cut flowers.
Your AC has come along and picked you up and thought ‘pretty vase’ and stuck a couple of flowers nicked from next door’s garden into you. No water…he can’t be bothered with all that. Naturally the flowers die and he is too lazy to replace them so gets hold of a couple of tacky plastic roses and roughly shoves them into you. This takes away from your beauty BUT remember your VALUE AND WORTH HAS NOT CHANGED! You are still priceless. It’s just that this ignorant AC cannot see it.
So…he neglects you and the roses and you gather dust. Every time he looks at you now, instead of thinking ‘pretty vase’ he is reminded that ‘I must clean that vase and put clean fresh water in it and buy some beautiful fresh flowers for it’
However, AC is TOO LAZY to bother with any of this and as time goes on, the rest of his house is getting cluttered up with additional mess which he is also to lazy and ignorant to deal with.
Eventually one day he looks at you (the vase) and thinks ‘can’t be bothered with this, I’ll chuck it out’
And that is what he has done. Now because he has chucked you, you believe that must mean you are not worth anything. you keep trying to say ‘look if you clean me up and display me prominently with fresh cut flowers and change the water etc, I can make your house look beautiful’
ML, it doesn’t matter what you do or say. The man has missed the point. HE DOES NOT SEE YOUR VALUE, WHICH REMAINS PRICELESS REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE DOES OR DOES NOT DO!!
He is too ignorant and too lazy. He doesn’t appreciate your value. ANd your value is high, whether you are on his mantlepiece, behind the bin in his garage or safely back IN YOUR OWN HOUSE, where YOU, who is aware of your value, can lovingly take the vase, gently clean away the grime and dust you accumulated from your time with him, fill yourself with clean fresh water and beautiful flowers and appreciate YOURSELF!
We all see your value. He doesn’t and that is HIS FAILING, not yours. He ‘chucked you’ because of who HE is not because of who you are.
It’s not your job to make him see it. You were not made for this type of person. It’s like expecting a child to appreciate the difference between plastic coloured beads and a string of rare pearls. You give the pearls to the person who appreciates their value, not to a toddler who will snap the string, swallow a few and chuck the rest down the toilet. We have all made this mistake, that’s why we are here. But we will see the error of our ways and not do this again, right ladies?! (and gents, lol!)
Stay here and keep posting ML. I hope I don’t sound harsh. I’ve worded strongly and passionately because I need to hear this as much as you.
You have fine bone china and he still wants to eat his chips out of yesterday’s newspaper? What can you do with such a man? Where do you start? Just shake your head and pity him.
Mel – reading your post made me cry.
Thank you. I have come a long way in one month but
reading what you just wrote really hit home.
I too want him to see my value – to see how much he has
hurt me and what he has lost. In the beginning it was a very deep need but now not so much. I dont really care if he knows what he lost- I KNOW WHAT HE LOST. He may never realise it and thats okay . Its what “I” think now –
Thanks Mel.
I love this site. All of you are awesome. I sat back for a month and just took all of this in, reading, crying and then one day I had a moment of clarity – like today. Thank you.
Thanks Mel,
That was a very powerful description, which I obviously needed to hear. I am just the type of person that worries what people think about me. I loved the AC and I wanted him to respect me and value me, which he obviously did not. So, the yesterday’s newspaper analogy was excellent. That is exactly what happened. He admitted he loved what we had, I just think it was too much for him and would require more than he wanted to undertake or maintain, so he is comfortable with what is “used” to, like yesterday’s newspaper, instead of fine china. I am fine china! He is just too lazy to take care of it and cherish it. Yesterday’s newspaper is easier to “deal with” and is made for the lazy man. : } No need to cherish a newspaper. I have taken all the information here and will use it. Thanks.
Yes ML (not miserable love, but Ms Lovely!) You stay strong and you will heal. We all will. We have not appreciated our worth and this healing time is where we begin to see it, in ourselves as we see it in each other. We save our best for those who prove themselves worthy. We are not crass or rude to those who can’t see or appreciate our value, we are cordial and classy, but they don’t get to eat with our finest cutlery, linen and crockery. If we have to engage with them, they get the cheap plates, and if they are really ignorant, the plastic set which we can throw away afterwards, and which, if they misuse, we can see what kind of person we are dealing with and resolve in our heads that the fine china stays in the cupboard!
The way he ‘eats’ off the plastic plates should show us any red flags we need! What we’ve done is watched these ACs shovel the food into their mouths, no thank you, no cleaning up afterwards and WE wipe the mess off their mouths, clean up and instead of resolving not to invite him round again we think ‘ahh bless him!’ And we make a more elaborate meal, slaving over it for hours and serving it on our best, most expensive dinner service.
Why are we surprised when these ACs STILL shovel the food, make a mess, no thank you, break the plates etc? And when they do this, we STILL don’t get it! We start thinking our meal wasn’t good enough, we didn’t set the table right etc. Instead we should be saying ‘get up and get out fool! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!’
And we can still say this even if we are the dumpees! Because as long as they are still in our heads and hearts in this way we are letting them put their nasty dirty feet up on our clean linen table cloths and belch and vomit all over it too! No more! Kick the fool OUT! 🙂
Oh and stop wondering if he respects you or not! He doesn’t. He has told you this by his behaviour! Just bear in mind that his lack of respect is not about you, but him.
You laid out the fine china, he disrespected it, that doesn’t make you unworthy of respect. You will just make a better choice of guest next time that’s all!
Hugs
Can i please ask a question to NML and other contributors??
What is the difference between Mr Emotionally Unavailable and Mr Assclown? Is it that ALL assclowns are emotionally unavailable but not all emotionally unavailable men are assclowns??
I’d appreciate people’s thoughts on this??
The reason why i have asked “WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A EUM [ [meaning “emotionally unavailable man”] AND AN ASSCLOWN?” is because of hearts_glasses post [dated July 23rd, 2009, 2:10am] . She described the behaviour of her ex as an “EUM” but after analysing his appalling behaviour towards her, i would have sooner described him as a total ASSCLOWN!!!!!
SO……..IS THERE A DIFFERENCE?
My feeling is that all assclowns are emotionally unavailable, but not all emotionally unavailable men are assclowns.
To Mel and Sweetie:
Sweetie: It is my perspective which matches yours. All EUM’s are not assclowns but all assclowns are also EUM’s. Just because a man is emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean he is always an asshole to you, but if your man is an asshole, he is also emotionally unavailable. I guess I see him coming and going, spending time doing what he wants, talking to the neighbors, etc., and feel that he totally “moved on” without me and didn’t even look back. It makes me so very sad and lonely, and still unable to believe that he forgot about me a blink of an eye. How do you get over that so that seeing him doesn’t flood everything back??
Mel: Another excellent example. Sometimes when I notice that he isn’t home, I wonder where he is, if he is having fun, who he is with, etc. It really bothers me.
Oh I drove my friends crazy with this behaviour, particularly one close male friend who saw the damage the first time and was utterly dismayed when I went back there (no he was not interested himself cos I am the wrong gender for his liking!).
It’s only once you are out of that horrid boolean loop yourself that you see “round and round and round we go” in others. No matter what is said, it’s like a ruptured spinal disc, one part makes sense and then SPLURT off into another direction. Meanwhile, for those still caught in it, it’s a horrible hopeless feeling without release.
UNTIL you come to realise that it is not about what he thinks/feels/uses as a sex toy and ego stroke any more (so long as that is not you of course). WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS? Whatever he thinks the chances are that it will be absolutely screwed up beyond all normal comprehension.
I realise it’s easy for me to sit here saying forget him (and I am working hard on making life so he has no room to interject any more myself). I’d move home if he was in my face – I did something even more crazy, I went to another country where I don’t speak the language yet and hardly know anyone, my chances of meeting someone else are even slimmer than they were before but right now I don’t regret that because I am doing it for me … no one else but me …
Perhaps that is what his “an adventure for a year or two” was really about – not really about “and then you’ll be with me” as he was saying, but rationalising down such a big life change because on hearing it he was thinking it made him look and feel like a failure (well if the cap fits) and he said himself he’d never have been able to do this.
@Mel: I loved that post, that analogy about the vase. I’d add to it from my own experiences:
Your vase is made from exquisite cut glass in the Art Deco fashion, so beautifully made that you would think it is made from diamonds. It sparkles in the light, delicate and transparent because it is transparent and doesn’t hide secrets too well.
You have yourself filled it with an eclectic bunch of flowers, some small and delicate, some with thorns, some exotic and some plain green foliage because not everything can be flowers, there is the everyday to consider too.
He comes along and like a bee he is attracted, simply has to take all the pollen he can until he is too full to fly. For a while, he is content there with these blooms but he is too lazy to top up the water.
Never mind. He chucks away the delicate flowers one by one and replaces them with stinkweed … so the water gets murky and the vase goes mouldy, the dust settles and … he can’t see his reflection.
At first the mess he has made leaves enough of a reflection for him to see a happy contented bee but once that illusion falls away … off he flies. Oh look, something shiny! He’s found a collection of bottle tops, that will do …
It has been almost two months since I was dumped after we came back from a 10-days wonderful vacation. Before I was lucky enough to find this site and learn what an EUM was, I made the mistake of sending him an e-mail to say hi. Was it because I missed him? i don’t think so, I missed the company, someone to go out with, someone sending me text messages, etc. After I learned about EUM ( which happened to be the same afternoon I sent the e mail, unfortunately after I sent it) I felt I had the answer to what went wrong and was able to have closure. Thanks to everyone that shared their story.
Wow! I have just spent an hour reading the posts on here, and I haven’t finished yet!! My EUM is a workaholic and has called time a week ago as he really needs to get the work issue sorted…he was managing to see me once a week, maybe a few hours on an occasional week night. He has not had a full day off work since we met 9 weeks ago!! The time we have spent together has been absolutely amazing. But it’s just not enough. I wasn’t getting what I needed or wanted, I look back and cringe to think I was so excited when I finally did get to see him. And how I begged him to spend more time with me…He says it is only the work issue, that he thinks I’m great, loves spending time with me etc…but quite frankly if he’s not even prepared to spend the one night a week with me now, well that kind of says it all doesn’t it. He can’t like me enough! And I’m guessing the work issue won’t change in a hurry – he says he wants to get it under control as his marriage broke down as a result…but if he wasn’t prepared to fight for a 16 year relationship (they were childhood sweethearts)…We are still in email contact, but it is sporadic. After reading this I think I should stop even this. He’s not going to change is he?!
Does anyone else have experience with dating workaholics? My EUM is not a bad guy, he is quite shy, has not dated since his marriage break up (so really doesnt have a lot of experience of dating given he was with his ex from age 16!) and I think he works so much partly because of an incredibly demanding boss, partly habit – which i know cannot change overnight, but I also think maybe he feels deep down he doesn’t deserve to have a fulfilling life at the moment…? I haven’t clicked with anyone like this in at least 3 years, and we want so many of the same things in future – just don’t seem to be in the same place right now!! Is there any hope here or should I just walk away?
NML – perfect timing, as always. Day 35 of NC and I’m miserable today from spinning about this very thing. He’s missed me before and why? I asked … “because you took such good care of me – who wouldn’t miss that?”
NOT what I wanted to hear back then and not what I want to hear right now. I have no doubt the answer is still the same.
Please give me your opinion. NML if you read this, you already know my story, I would appreciate your feedback. My story is above and on other posts, and most of you know the gory details and the length of time I have been dealing with this assclown who pursued me for 4 years only to dump me out on the street once he got what he wanted. I have made such progress but I am starting to waiver, worrying that he is waiting on me to contact HIM!!!! The last few days have been strange. He continues to watch me (lives in my neighborhood). I passed him his car on our street last week and I “ignored” him, but noticed a “finger” wave. I didn’t respond. Then I was in another person’s car that turned around in front of his house and he waved, but I truly don’t think he knew at the time that I was in the passenger seat. I didn’t wave. I pulled into a store parking lot and he was in front of a different store, but saw my car. He stood outside his car and stared, almost like he was waiting to give me a chance to come over and talk to him, but I left. He has been watching me and staring and leaning out of his garage to see me, all this I notice out of the corner of my eye while doing my own thing and “ignoring” him. We are 6 months NC. This is the last face to face conversation and last two texts I received from him: In Jan, after he had “cut me off” and wouldn’t respond to my text over something he did, I tried to talk to him directly. He told me to my face he had “too much shit going on to deal with me” and when I continued to ask if I could talk to him, he said “no.” A few minutes later that day, he sent me a text which exactly read “It is not you personally, it is I that has the problems, you looked good and know you care, just can’t talk to anyone right now.” I heard nothing for three weeks, but he started cavorting with his OW within the first week he said he couldn’t talk to ME. Three weeks later, after he had heard about an accident I had, he texted me and said” heard you got hurt, wishing you well, really do you hope you are ok.” That was it. Neither text said anything about being cruel, apologizing, that he loves me, misses me, can’t live without me, and no response was requested by him. I was insulted receiving the “wishing you well” text, because it was so generic and lame. It just broke my heart. I haven’t heard from him at all since…. He just stares and watches me all the time, along with his daily visits with his OW, who lives across the street from me. By the way he has been looking at me, he is acting almost like I was the one who “violated and devalued” him. Technically, he did make two attempted contacts with me after he was horrible to me, so does that automatically “put the ball back in my court?” I am just trying to make sure that it is not ME that is preventing us from communicating. Is he sitting there thinking that I will contact him when I am ready??? Is it even my responsibility after how terrible he was towards me? If he wanted to be with me, wouldn’t he have fought for our relationship and to make to things right between us? Or am I automatically the one, since he sent the last two generic, pathetic texts, that is responsible to talk to him after the way he treated me? I just need to know that I am doing the right thing by maintaining NC. Maybe it is the way he looks at me, but I am just trying to do the right thing and I shouldn’t be feeling like I am the one that caused things to be the way they are, because I was never anything but loving, kind, etc., and he treated me like street trash. He knows he was rude to me, and I believe that if he cared enough about me to apologize, he already would have. If he couldn’t live without me in his life, he would have already told me. I had already told him. He knows how I feel about him. Do you all think that in this situation, I should be the one to contact him? Wouldn’t I look ignorant after all this time trying to wave or say Hi or something? I think he would diss me all over again and I couldn’t take it emotionally right now. Was I rude to him by not responding to his pathetic texts? or Has he been rude to me for cutting me off cold turkey with no explanation and in a hateful way? I just want to know that I have taken the right path and am doing the right thing…. I feel like I am recycling the same old scenario over and over in my mind. If he wanted me to respond to his texts, wouldn’t he have said, “please text me back and let meknow you are ok?” And if he couldn’t “talk to anyone right now”, wouldn’t he have let me know first thing when he could talk? I never heard a word from him… He sure didn’t have any problems talking to OW though. What if he thinks that I ignored his last two texts and said to himself “well she doesn’t want to talk to me, so forget it”? Why did he bother sending those two texts in Jan and why does he continue to stare and watch me if he doesn’t care??? On the other hand, if I do wave, what if he turns his back on me or gives me a go to hell look or what if I did text him and he didn’t respond or responded by being hateful….I just don’t want to go through that again and lose any more dignity than I already have with him. I just can’t take any more loss of self-eteem right now. All I know is that he didn’t fight for me, try to apologize, ask to talk, nothing. He seems happy with his life and has obviously been able to move on with no difficulties. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks.
@Miserable Love
“I am just trying to make sure that it is not ME that is preventing us from communicating. Is he sitting there thinking that I will contact him when I am ready???” – if you have instituted NC to get healthy and get over him, then this is the way it SHOULD be!
“What if he thinks that I ignored his last two texts and said to himself “well she doesn’t want to talk to me, so forget itâ€? – that’s what should be happening if you are NC.
“Why did he bother sending those two texts in Jan and why does he continue to stare and watch me if he doesn’t care??? ” – if he is EUM, he may want to “keep you on ice” along with the other OW – isn’t this guy married????? And I believe you said on another post that you are married? maybe you can receive the validation and care you need from your husband?
“what if he turns his back on me or gives me a go to hell look or what if I did text him and he didn’t respond or responded by being hateful….I just don’t want to go through that again and lose any more dignity than I already have with him.” – the way I see it, moving on and staying NC is the only way to “not go through that again”. From what you describe, this man doesn’t seem to care about anyone but himself – sorry.
@ML
i second what MTBH says and to it I would add that you are still making your recovery dependent upon validation or acknowledgment from HIM. This guy has you so wrapped up in him, analyzing over thinking etc and so there are 2 of you enmeshed in his favourite subject… HIM!
the NC, whoever is responsible for initiating it (and I totally empathise with you, ML because I too was dropped, totally without warning and not even a care to how i felt or feel from that day to this) is for YOU, to get perspective and heal and move forward and get better, and find out who you are and what makes you happy.
ML, he doesn’t make you happy, that is clear for all of us to see. What I see is you torturing and re torturing yourself over and over trying to figure him out, maybe secretly hoping that he will suddenly magically give you what you think you need from him :VALIDATION.
But here is the big lie. You dont need validation from him. Stop making him your oxygen like you need him to breathe! you are better than this ML and worth so much more. Go back and read my post about the vase. Please see that your worth is NOT dependent in any way shape or form upon what he thinks. Girl, you have lost yourself in him and you need to get out (i.e. EVICT that man from your head) and heal!
If he is married it is very simple. He is not and will never be relationship material FULL STOP. Whatever you shared is not based in reality. And ML I am saying this to you knowing that hearing it will hurt like hell because you will be replaying all the special things he said to you etc. But that was then.
NOW…today he is not in your life, has ignored you for 6months, doesn’t care that you are and have been torn to shreds emotionally over this adn is married AND with another woman. HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!
why would you want a man like this anywhere near you? You have no responsibility for him, your responsibility is to yourself and ML, it really troubles me that you are prepared to neglect yourself and your emotional wellbeing so totally that you would be asking questions like
“Or am I automatically the one, since he sent the last two generic, pathetic texts, that is responsible to talk to him after the way he treated me? ”
I hope I’m not sounding harsh. I am just concerned that you are spiraling backwards with your obsession with him and what he is thinking etc.
To answer your other point “I just need to know that I am doing the right thing by maintaining NC.”
YES GIRL! but it needs to be proper NC which means taking drastic steps to eliminate the power he still has over you in your head. I do realize it is harder fro you than most, in that he lives so close to you, but my feeling is you need to be ruthless and radical about this now. Every day you spend focusing on him is one day you could be spending healing and being healthy enough for the truly loving, giving and mutually supportive relationship you deserve. This man is not it.
@Miserable Love and mel
I agree also with everything mel has written. I like the last point “Every day you spend focusing on him is one day you could be spending healing and being healthy enough for the truly loving, giving and mutually supportive relationship you deserve.†It is hard to focus on ourselves when we are obsessed with an AC/MM – trust me I’m right there with you and I still have a way to go, too. I broke it off with my MM 3 weeks ago today, and while it is getting easier the longer we are NC, I still go over and over everything he said and did while we were together (14 months worth) to try to make sense of it all. I also sometimes wish my MM would contact me, and on the one time he did contact me (an email), it was sooooo hard not to reply. The only reason I didn’t is because I know I need to heal, as mel has reminded us. Our AC’s are married, we are not their first priority and never will be. They may complain about their wives and marriages, but they are still married, so obviously they have made that choice!
I am not a marriage counsellor, but ML, is there any way you can get what the AC/MM gave you from your own committed relationship? From your husband? You said before that you didn’t want to be unfaithful to him, and that’s why you resisted the AC/MM for so long, so you seem to care for your husband. Can you plan some fun activities with him? Go away for a weekend somewhere romantic, away from the stress of everyday life? Do whatever you like to do as a couple? Or do you need to make some decisions about whether or not to stay in that marriage? Just some ideas to bring the focus back to you, and to the man you have chosen to spend your life with. Like I said, I am no expert, but just trying to see things from all perspectives.
Yes, NC is the way to go – you are doing the right thing. Best of luck and hugs to you ML. You can do this!
@ML you are married as well?
Okay you need to stop and breathe for a second! You are in an emergency crisis situation if this is the case. You were not happy in your relationship with your spouse and you tried to fill that hole and fix that with a relationship with a MM. No wonder you are in such emotional turmoil!
You had a broken front window and you used a sledgehammer to try and fix it, and worse you gave the hammer to someone who has shown his destructive tendencies already by breaking hearts all over your street by the sounds of it.
You need emergency self care and healing. Is your husband still on the scene? Is he aware of any of what’s going on with you at the moment? Healing from heartbreak is tough enough without this extra dynamic as well.
Hard as it may sound, if it is the case that you are married, then you were not available to your MM either. And even if you are single, the fact that you chose to give your heart to him knowing that he is unavailable (MM, gf/partner…either way, the minute that’s the case, close the book and move on…he’s an EUM!) is a reflection of you…you are unavailable too.
I have had to face this exact truth. The AC who cut me off without a second backward glance was not a MM but he did have a partner, and yet I still let down my guard and fell emotionally..HARD. Whilst we didn’t go there physically, I still consider it an affair, and as I have reflected on things i could have done differently, I have come to the conclusion that had he dumped his partner and made himself available to me…I would have run a mile. The reason being I did not believe I deserved the unconditional love of a faithful man.
This is what I’m working on healing. The AC once said to me out of the blue. “i don’t beleive you like yourself very much’ and although at the time I denied it to high heaven, he was right. In the same conversation he said to me I was a bundle of contradictions and he couldn’t work out whether I was miss confident or miss vulnerable.
I believe now he was looking at me thinking, ‘she is single, successful and stunning and could have anyone she wants’ Why does she want ME? He knew he had nothing to offer and i had already told him that I did not want to be anyone’s part time s**g. BUT MY ACTIONS in entertaining his conversation and AC behaviours obviously told him differently.
So whilst this does not excuse his AC behaviour I STILL CHOSE to accept it. So today I feel thankful for the pain, and let me tell you it was the most excruciating I have ever experienced, so in no way ML am i belittling or minimising what you must be going through.
But I am thankful beacause it made me wake up to what i was doing to myself and saying about myself through my relationship choices and I did not like it.
Because of this ALL my energy now has to go into changing myself. I cannot change the AC. I cannot change what he thinks of me. BUT i recognise that each and every time I feel any pain over the way he treated me it is because there is a part of me deep down that STILL AGREES with what he was ‘telling’ me by his behaviour. And what he was telling me was
‘i don’t love you’ (Which I interprested as i am unlovable)
you are not my priority (my needs are not important)
you are here to make me feel better (my needs/ life are unimportant)
i don’t respect you or your values ( I am not worthy of respect)
I don’t accept you for you, you must change to suit me ( I am a non person who gets her worth and validation from other people, not myself)
Now obviously all these things are not true. But I allow them to be true if I dwell on what HE thinks, and the pain tells me that I am at some level still buying the bulls**t and paying extra because he’s told me its organic! What gives? It’s still bs!
The more I focus on what is true, I am a person of integrity and value, who respects herself and others etc the clearer the disparity becomes between what he thinks, whatever that may be, and what I KNOW to be true.
I would never have seen this the longer I stayed enmeshed and ‘lost’ in him.
I’m not saying it’s easy. I am still recovering now although I have more good days than the horrible pit of despair I was in. I’ve been there and it was a horrid time. I couldn’t function, couldn’t work the whole nine yards.
But I began to look at the whole experience as a lesson and an opportunity to learn and grow and begin to embrace ‘normal’ and doing things differently. And ML, the ‘doing’ begins in your head. Your mind has to change. You have to start asking ‘who am I?” and ‘what do I want?’
I know that i want to experience real love and genuine honest and healthy relationships and that as long as I remain a woman who is prepared to tolerate crappy behaviour (from myself as well as others) I will not realise that goal. I ask myself constantly ‘is what I’m doing serving my goal of realising healthy relationships/being kind to myself or is it trapping me in the mire of unhealthy and destructive? If its the latter i do what I can to get out.
And I get out by praying, singing, telling myself I WILL heal, congratulating myself on how far I’ve come, posting here, being determined to learn the lessons I need to to grow and reminding myself that the love I deserve is inching closer to me the more I commit myself to healing.
ML…i send you the biggest, most loving cyber hug! We are all here for you and believe in you. Time now to begin believing in yourself.
Miserable Love,
A couple of thoughts. First, that you didn’t follow the No Contact Rules. Rather than prevent him from contacting you, you are setting their actually waiting and wanting him to call. You never decided you want out. That hasn’t happened.
What has happened is that he dumped you, and you keep straying into his space, keep crossing his path, and dreaming of the day he decides to mess around with you, since you are still actively available whenever he wants.
It can never be called “no contact” when you see him, or him and his current flame, most every day. No contact is no contact, at all, any way shape or form. Contact is seeing him, noticing he is there, let alone what his gestures or expressions are.
You are not doing NC, you were dumped. If you had been in NC, you would have been dealing with issues, grieving, learning what the effect is on your life when you took control of who you have a relationship with. NC is about a safe time and place to heal.
And that gets to the second thing I notice. That you are not done with the relationship, you aren’t getting over it. You are still actively living the role of the Fallback Girl. You haven’t recognized he isn’t going to be good for you even if he ever takes you back. You are still focused on keeping your “dignity”, apparently a social display of fortitude, rather than address the fears and injury to your self esteem, that lets you waste another moment wanting this guy, let alone waste another moment actually waiting for him.
If you haven’t read NML’s e-book, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, now would be a good time. If you have read it, read it again, and look closely to see what she says about the Fallback Girl. Calling the neighbor across the street the Other Woman is a mistake, and unfair. Rather than be the Other Woman, that your partner is cheating on you to be with her, the neighbor is instead just his next date. You were the last one, but won’t let it go.
I don’t see that he is interested in taking you back; as you say, he broke things off with you, stopped contacting you. If you were to pursue him, you would be the woman intruding into your neighbor’s relationship and wife. If he did cheat on her with you – why would you want a guy that cheats? He is currently enjoying a perpetual dating lifestyle, it seems to be working for him – he ain’t gonna change. He isn’t going to turn to you and declare, “I am sorry for the mistakes I have made, I realize my destiny is to be with you alone for the rest of my life. I cannot sleep, for dreaming of a happy home we make together, that you are the most wonderful woman in the world to me.”
You are a wonderful woman. You do *not* need a dumped bozo that didn’t care to keep his marriage going, that is now sleeping his way through the neighborhood, to tell you something that basic.
But I think there is another step that you need to consider. Before you talk about NC or OW, you have to hear one specific person tell you that you are a responsible and caring adult. That you know right from wrong, that you care about honor, and honesty, and respect above appearances. And that there is no room in your live for people that aren’t responsible, respectful, and honorable. That person you have to hear that from is you. Nothing anyone else says is more than advice. You have to find some kind of truth within yourself. And then act on that truth.
Luck.
ml
Everyones advice here is good, what i want to add that to me your story still rings of the utmost denial. Let’s be real..this poor excuse for a man has legs, it’s been months since he has been too busy for you “dealing with this shit” and at any time he has been able to walk over to you and say anything..let’s talk, I’m sorry, etc
But he is choosing to stare and now finger wave !?! WTF is a finger wave in the adult world ?!? And you are actually obsessing over a finger wave, oh, please, think about that. WTH is a finger wave anyway ? I am not sure but.it sounds like not even the effort of a hand wave or an arm wave. And, since we’re fantasizing.. let’s fantasize for a moment that he did actually give you a big arm wave and a hearty hello at some point.
SO WHAT !!! he still has arms, legs and a mouth and the capability to be a regular person and talk. A finger wave is worse than a crumb, This guy is worse than no good. So he pursued you for four years only to have cruelly discarded you. Obviously that’s his sick gig, maybe you have never been cruelly discarded before, it is hard as hell to accept, but and its time for you to stop buying into his sickness.
ML you are stuck in fantasy obsession, and he is a devil who knows it and is doing the devils work trying to keep you hanging. Probably managing a finger wave since you have been working hard to ignore him, trying in his mangy way to reel you back in.
Guess who has to be the smarter and stronger one here ? I’d put my money on you but you have to do more work than the sort of avoidance you are doing.
I’m gonna suggest something I have suggested before. Every single time that assh*le is in your head, in your line of sight, in the corner of your eye repeat outloud if possible ” ________ is not able to have a healthy relationship with me” or something like that. My words sure as hell would be stronger than that. You are trying to retrain your errant thoughts of this ridiculous excuse of a man.
All the advice here is good. Go away with your husband,read the book again, repeat the truth about him every 10 minutes if need be. Then, after you are out from under his spell, take a breath and get to to work to understand why on earth you would want someone as wimpy as this finger waver in your life.
Sorry if I am harsh, but it seems you are still stuck in the dream of this bad bad guy’s creation and he will not let you out. You have to break free. We all here know what this stage is like, getting out of it is the beginning.
Thanks everyone for the wonderful feedback.
Aphrogirl – thanks for the laughs out loud. HAHA. WTH is a finger wave? That is a good one, really. (And I am not obsessing about the wave, I ignored it, but it does sound pretty sad that that is all the AC can muster.)
Basically what I was trying to get at is that after replaying “the end” several times in my mind, I started worrying that I was the reason he wasn’t contacting me (because he had sent two addtl lame texts I didn’t respond to and h MAYBE HE felt I was actually the one dissing him when actually he was the one who had dissed me). I just want to be able to look back on this horrible time in my life and know that I treated AC (who has been a family friend for 7 years) properly and with respect, value, and care. Because I am the type of person that if I intentionally wrong someone, I want to rectify it because it is the right thing to do.
There is no way I could respond to his last two texts because for 1) he didn’t ask for me to contact him back, 2) they were lame and generic, 3) there was no apology for his terrible treatment of me, no love you, no miss you, nothing. It basically would have been responding to “nothing”.But we all know how weird guys think sometimes and I just got to worrying that he is saying to himself that he sent me a couple courtesy texts, and I didn’t respond, oh well, move on to the next woman. Which obviously happened within a week and which means that if he cared about me, he wouldn’t have let hardly any amount of time go by without texting, calling, or since he does have legs, walking down to talk to me. That is correct. I just wanted to let you all know what was going on with his looks, stares, and sappy waves to see if you all thought he was waiting on me to contact him. Not that I am going to, because I couldn’t take any more humiliation from him.
I love my husband. This is a very complicated situation. I wasn’t looking to have an affair. AC and his wife are our neighbors and we have been friends for 7 years on and off. When he left his wife about 4 years ago, he approached ME, happily married, and said that he had been interested in me for some time. I decided at that point NO WAY. I was attracted to him and knew that I needed to avoid him as much as possible because I didn’t want to be unfaithful to my husband. I was successful in avoiding him for 2 years at which time I believe it made him angry and we didn’t speak for two years. Then last July he approached me and apologized saying that he has loved me for longer than I know, blah, blah, blah. My husband and I still had a happy but romanceless marriage (no excuse), but he is a wonderful, kind, loving, unselfish man. However, I became very confused, flattered that he still cared about me (what I considered an older woman with kids – who was going to ever look at me again???) after two years of not talking, so in my mind (it is more complicated than this), I began to worry that another great love was going to pass me by and I felt that we were soulmates (now realizing that my husband is my soulmate). So I made the decision to “see where things went”. It wasn’t about sex. Because that didn’t happen much over the 7 months. It was about wondering if someone is the great love of your life and that our lives kept getting intertwined, which made me feel like I couldn’t not find out. Well I sure the hell found out. The nightmare of my life. In the beginning he was all hot, thought I was all that, wanted us to be together and raise our kids, etc. I still hadn’t given up on my marriage. It is hard to understand, but when you are in a situation like this, you actually in your mind think of it as two totally different relationships. I wanted to see if anything was really going to materialize before making any decisions about my marriage (an NO it wasn’t to make sure I ended up with something, it was not like that). I never wanted to end my marriage, and I wasn’t going to carry on with someone else for a long time either, I knew decisions had to be made, and I thought HE made his decisions when he continued to pursue me. But I was VERY WRONG. He had no intention of leaving his wife. I trusted him and he lied to me about many things. Funny that it was said that he is the devil, because I really do think that he is the DEVIL. I was deceived, mistreated, and violated. And he knew full well what he was doing and what sacred things he was taking from me by lying and cheating. I fell right in the trap. I never stopped working on my marriage. I don’t condone what I did, but it is so complicated, my heart was trying to do the RIGHT thing. My husband is not aware of the pain I have been going through. He knows that I had a falling out with AC, but doesn’t know how deep it was, etc. The funny thing is that I was completely AVAILABLE to the AC. I opened myself up completely, putting my complete trust and heart in his hands, he knew it, he asked for it, he agreed to cherish me, and he didn’t. He promised me I was not a “fling”, and that is why I withheld intimacy because I didn’t want to give up what was sacred unless we were both very serious about the consequences. He lied about that too, and left me feeling violated.
I AM doing NC. I have been dealing with the issues, doing unbelievable grieving, etc. I can’t help but see him every day. I have been purposely avoiding him as much as possible.
A finger wave (meaning his finger came up off the steering wheel), is worse than a crumb and was another insult, that is why I didn’t respond. I KNOW he wouldn’t be able to give me a healthy relationship. I feel that he treated me the way he did because he needed to feel superior to me and that is how he treats ALL women. He still has arms legs and a mouth and you are RIGHT, he could have used them.
Aphrogirl, you aren’t being harsh. I know that you all are trying to help me. It all boils down to the fact that he doesn’t value me, or care about me enough to worry about me or my feelings. I know that he would have known within a short time if he couldn’t live his life without me in it, and he has proven that he easily can. He has not tried to call, walk down to talk, nothing. Back to the validation subject, I am not expecting to resume a relationship with him, I was just hoping that at some point he would become “human” and experience human emotions and realize how terrible he treated me and apologize or say something about how he felt. I was left in the cold, cold turkey,no explanations, nothing. But as you say, the only one that can validate me IS ME. I seriously doubt he is going to apologize or tell me HE was wrong. That would only make him look human and as if he really does care about anyone else but himself. Yeah RIGHT! : }
ML
your insights are good but you really are seeking validation from him, and also denying your interest in him. Do not feel bad about this, it’s par for the course, And yes, it’s pretty normal and understandable to ask why are you being hurt like this, by someone who professed to love you. That’s the validation we seek, that someone would not want to hurt us because we a valuable. And thats the disconnect with reality and the irrationality about our thoughts with the EUM. It is hard to believe anyone would treat us so awful, yet they do, so we turn the denial all the way and make them worthy. If you truly believed he was not worthy your interest in righting his wrong ( n,b… impossible ) would be diminishing.
One thing you have added to your story is that your husband may be EUM too, hopefully not an AC. This is almost irrelevant at this point as I believe you are is a some sort of emo crisis mode. Its a huge weight carrying around a bunch of former fantasies, hidden life stories, an affair that ended so awful, the emotional trauma of rejection, maybe an unsatisfying marriage. The fact that your husband is not asking about it, noting your trouble, and you are not working on this together in any way, says you very much are emotionally alone.
Two things to consider, your strength and as Brad noted, your fortitude, is apparent in the fact that you have been able to hold this amazing double life with the neighbor together, I not be able to do this, So, your marriage is not what most of us would hope for in a union. Maybe all your strength and energy going to the neighbor could be used to fortify your existing marriage. Perhaps this could be approached with a marriage counselor. If you really deep down love your husband, and he really loves you perhaps this could be a storm that you weather together that brings you closer. Perhaps part of the trouble in getting over the areselown on your street is related to not facing reality and dealing with the truths about your marriage.
This is the hardest of work for women and many men too. I know men who have been devastated by women who leave them. Working on yourself is an important component but you are part of a marriage and the affair, even if over, is a matter of the marriage. You really are being given a challenge in your life and all challenges require new ideas and a lot of work. Note your strength in holding it together this far – there are many that could not ! I hope you can use it to make your life better.
One thing that occurs to me, reading your post ML, is that with your husband being in the background but on the scene, it COULD (and I’m not justifying ACs behaviour, nor do i want to get back on the ‘focus on him and what he is thinking’ bandwagon…) be that he assumes you are ok because ‘you have a husband who loves you and is unaware of the affair’. For him dealing with you is a reminder to him not only that he has treated you this way, but also he has ‘played with fire’ taking another man’s wife. Even the worst ACs feel a bit of guilt taking another man’s wife. Maybe now its over he doesn’t want to arouse any suspicion with your husband.
He may not want to face either of these home truths and therefore in his mind, the easiest thing is to cut all trace of you out of his head adn life.
He lied. People lie. it’s not right but they do anyway.
The way i see it ML is that despite the obvious pain you are in and the journey you will have to take to heal, you are still in a blessed position in that your husband loves you and you love him. Try now to get to the bottom of what was missing in your relationship with your spouse to tempt you away into the arms and heart of this other man and put your energy into healing yourself and your marriage.
I dont have experience in this area and i am not sure how one recovers from infidelity without truth between partners but maybe those more knowledgeable that I may be able to comment…it just strikes me that one thing we all seem to be striving for is living authentically, discovering, owing and living our truth fearlessly with ourselves first and then with others…I don’t know, maybe counselling might be a step to consider, for yourself first then with you and your husband?
Think about it. would you prefer AC to march over and bang on your door, apologise and declare undying love for you in front of your children? In front of your husband? No. The pain you are feeling would be nothing compared to what your husband would feel if he found out the truth in that way…not to mention what the ACs wife must be going through as well knowing that’s the kind of man she is married to. think about it…the AC sees that your husband is everything that he is NOT…he has to despise himself for that and so in his mind he is behaving perfectly rationally towards you.
Not to make you feel bad, we all get into difficult situations for myriad and complex reasons but what has happened has happened. You still have what many people here yearn for, which is a husband who you say is a good man and who loves you and who at the very least must be completely puzzled watching you suffer so badly and not knowing why,
If the AC up and moved without a word and you had no way of ever knowing where he is or ever seeing him again you would have to find a way to close the case in your mind and heart without a final conversation. This is what you need to resolve in your head now. Decide what is important for your happiness and begin your baby steps today towards that goal.
Hugs
@Miserable Love
I agree with mel and aphrogirl, but I would like to differ in opinion on one point. You need to decide whether or not to tell your husband about your affair with the AC. I know the experts disagree on this point – some believe in brutal honesty and telling all so you can work through it. Others have the opinion – why hurt an innocent person even more by telling them something that will hurt a lot? Still others believe in telling the spouse only if you cannot end the affair yourself.
For you, the affair is over (he ended it) but you are still emotionally engaged. So your situation falls somewhere in between. I would like to recommend a book to you, which my friend in a similar situation found very helpful. it’s called “When Good People Have Affairs” by Mira Kirshenbaum. There is information about the concepts in the book on the internet too. If you don’t feel ready for counselling yet, either individual or couple, this book may help give you some insight on why you became involved in this affair and how to proceed from here, so that you “do the best for everyone” involved.
Good luck!!! and remember you are worth a happy outcome…
my ex was to shy he said he miss me and love me and then he act like he didnt say anything. What i trying to say is me and my ex live far away from ech other and when i told him that imiss him he told me that we live in to different contries and that we can’t see ech other. He dosent want me to be apart of his life. Is it that he loves me or he just want to move on and forget me.
So i find this sight to be especially helpful. I know what i need to do however for some reason things still dont feel as though they are over,however i know this is something thati have to accept. We broke up a few weeks ago after five years. He ended it with me stating that he did not see a future with me because of certain things that needed to change. i was pretty much desparate could not get out of bed, just plain miserable. i text him and at first he told me that he was over it. then through an email i wrote him we started talking again ,however just for a day. a week later he text me. we decided we were going to try and work things out. four days into it he said that things were just not the same and that he did not ever see them being the same. I know i have to get on with my life, its just so hard to think that after that long together and after everything that we had gone through together that he could just be over me like that,without even looking back.I was also supposed to be moving in with him this month, so really this is just so unexpected…. I would appreciate any and all advice…. Thanks:)
@ me,
Love grows in small walls. If you aren’t together, breathing the same air, often, then love is going to be at risk. Living far apart is always tough on romance and relationships.
I don’t think it matters, really, why he decided to end things. Perhaps he finds that life has replaced his affection for you with business, with family, with friends – it doesn’t matter. Whatever might have been there, there isn’t enough left to continue.
Tell him goodbye, and wish him well. If he doesn’t want to talk to you, you can always write him a letter – and then never send it. It is sad that things end, but knowing that your relationship ended lets you sort through your feelings, find the best moments to remember, and then to heal from the hurt of losing someone that has been important in your life.
In the future, focus on finding someone that is emotionally available, and locally available, too.
Blessed be.
@ emily2004,
You knew. When you weren’t sharing lives – sharing a residence, sharing a name, bills, a life plan – after the first year or so, you knew. You knew he wasn’t going to come through and share his life with you.
Sure, the actual date and details of how it fell through are a shock, but still, you were always sure he would falter, back out at some point.
I sounds like both of you are kind of floundering around, wondering how to tidy up the loose ends. It starts with “goodbye”.
We lose loved ones to business moves, to death, to various disasters. Stuff happens. It starts with “goodbye”, and you work through your sorrow at losing them from your life, you work through your resentment that they are gone, you accept their absence from you, and you turn to the rest of your life to start filling in that aching hole in your heart.
It doesn’t matter how long we knew someone. We weren’t doing a prison sentence, or serving an enlistment contract. We don’t earn loyalty and trust and love by the number of years we put it – we earn those every day, or we risk losing everything. Five years, or fifty years, mean nothing. Yesterday and last week – what happened then means everything. What you do today is where you show your power, your authority over your own life. And today is where you build your relationship to last one more day. Every day you have to make that day important to you and to your partner.
When things go awry, though, the years just mean more baggage, more hurt feelings, more resentment and despair and hurting.
I am sorry your relationship ended. I guess now you will have more time for yourself.
@ emily2004,
About that last part, “I guess now you will have more time for yourself.” I didn’t mean that the way is sounds.
What I mean is that it takes time with yourself to recover, to deal with emotions and hurts. Friends and family can be a wonderful resource in painful times, but mostly the best things they do, is that they reflect back the things we need to see, they help us find the core values and boundaries, the fundamental things inside that define who we are.
Luck.
Will he miss me? I have been reading these posts for a while now helping me everytime the AC does his usual routine. I think I have the biggest AC of them all in my life. This guy I have been with for 10 years. We own a home together. The funny thing is he has no responsibility whatsoever in the relationship other than him saying “I pay the bills”. That is his excuse for his horrible abusive behaviors. When he gets caught in a lie he justifies it. When he gets caught attempting to cheat, he justifies it….”I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs”. When he explodes at me for no reason he justifies it. But God forbid I ever get mad at him. This idiot AC has called me every possible combination of abusive vulgar names you can think of, threaten me, and then tell me how he nevere wants to see me again and runs to his mommys house! Yes, his mommys! He is 42 years old and even though we own a home together he has not yet moved out of his mommies in 10 years. He tells all of his friends and families what a witch I am and justifies himself to them by “I pay the bills”. He gets their sympathy to back up his justifications of how he acts so they will tell him, “dude, you can do so much better than her”. If they even knew what he really did and what I have had to endure for 10 years, they certainly wouldn’t be backing his AC butt up!! Now I’ve gotten mad at me for verbally abusing me on a daily basis and then catching him in a big fat lie (probably about the 10,000 lie so far). I get angry and get a bit testy and I’m the biggest B in the world. I admit, I was angry and there were a few things I said that were not right to say but it wasn’t even 1/20th of what he says to me on a daily basis. So he gets mad because he is caught in his lie and starts a big fight telling me how he never wants to see me again and swearing at me with vulgarities you wouldn’t believe. During this period, I was actually nice. I simply told him I didn’t want to fight with him…I was mad and why I was mad. Well, that gave him the power to attack me and he was vicious. Now he has been vicious for days. I try to calm the situation and refuse to act as childish as he is but I’m still being sworn at and vulgarities slung my way. Finally I realize the only way to calm the situation is to sit back and state my ground but be gentle. Now he is playing his silent game. So does he miss me? I have gone through this at least 300 times! I realize right now I don’t care if he misses me. I don’t miss him. I don’t miss the abuse! I don’t miss the roller coaster ride of emotional destruction he put me through for years! I don’t miss the outbursts of him daily over the most minute thing! I don’t miss his ugly face! I don’t miss his butt sitting around complaining on the few occasions I saw him in a month. I certainly don’t miss his “I pay the bills”. I don’t miss his loud snoring next to me! I don’t miss him running to his mommys! I don’t miss anything about him! I’m glad he isn’t here! I finally have sanity!!!!! I can do what I want without being yelled at. I can see my friends without accusations of cheating on him (because he knew how easy it was for him to cheat on me so I must be doing the same). I don’t have to worry about the AC lying to me and trying to make the relationship work for God knows what reason, I realize now! I worried about him finding someone else for a while but I don’t even care! They can have him! This guy has more issues and warts from his past he’s insane! I don’t miss his insults daily! I don’t miss the screaming at me in private then turning around and smiling at people, because he had control…he just chose to abuse me!
I am sorry if I seem angry. I am angry! I want to stay angry! I’m tired of this AC making me his punching bag! I hope he does find someone. Someone that will knock him upside the head when he does this because he is never going to change! He is a narcissitic and bipolar personality disorder that has no sense of decency or any class whatsoever to know how to treat a woman, let alone someone he cares for. So do I wonder if he misses me! NO!!!!! He lost me and I’m glad I’m away from the AC!!!
Kendra,
I wish your AC well – well enough to stay the hell away from you.
Luck.
@ Kendra,
Just to be really clear – no one needs his kind of crap in their lives – and you need the peace to heal and recover.
Blessed be.
Thank you. Well, yesterday I found out that he started a new relationship a few weeks ago with someone, before we ever broke up. Apparently he wanted to push me to get angry with him so that he could excuse himself from the relationship placing all blame on me. What a dirty bast**d!!!!!!!!!!! To think I actually felt sorry for him enough to give him the reassurance that I never cheated on him because I wouldn’t and couldn’t cause that kind of pain. He just wanted to wait until he found someone else to move on to so he wouldn’t be lonely. Meanwhile, I have all this anger to deal with and I’m left behind. Well he can rot in hell. He is nothing but a narcissistic AC and has treated me horribly for 5 years without any remorse whatsoever. He isn’t going to change and even though it angers me he is sweettalking his way into another’s woman’s bed, she is a fool if she doesn’t see his red flags. He is so messed up its unbelievable. My comfort I keep reminding myself is I wasted 10 years…but thank God it wasn’t more.
Hi everyone, could do with some advice… I am probably what you would call an EMUAC… I was emotionally detatched in fear of falling in love as well as being unavailable for a couple of things… Never did “The little things” as she said it and never told her i loved her till 10 months into it when she first attempted to dump me… none the less more problems arised (become too attentive/clingy/needy/attached/available you name it i probably did it) and eventually we broke up…
I VERY QUICKLY realised what it was/is that i need to do, i too am doing what you call no contact but out of instinct… I believe that i am one of the few who have actually realised what i have lost and am trying so hard to work on myself to hopefully get her back in the long run.
I FINALLY got my license, Getting a new (and better paid) job, im learning about “The Little Things” that show we genuinely care about you, im getting back into the gym…
I dont know where im going exactly with this post, but id like you girls to know that there are some of us who ARE actively working on ourselves to become better people while we are not talking / keeping in contact with you… Not just for you but ourselves aswell.
Im glad she left me tho… If she hadn’t i would never have woken up to so many of my flaws, so i thank her
Thanks for reading.
True Blue
True Blue,
I kind of like the advice Steve Buscemi gives in Sandra Bullock’s “28 days” – a very good story about making a real change in your life, about denial, and about taking responsibility for yourself. Even if the horse thing is really lame. The story isn’t that great to watch as entertainment, but the part about making a change is very good.
Get a plant. If, after a year the plant is living and flourishing, get a pet – a dog or cat. If, a year later the pet is happy and healthy, then consider starting to date. While any given watering, whether every second day or fourth day, whichever the plant needs, is trivial – appropriate attention, understanding the needs, observing what works and what doesn’t – these are the crucial skills we need to attach and bond in a shared life. And they are cursed tough to learn past the age of five.
The point is that the tough part is taking enough time to live a life of respect and character long enough to make it real in your life. To practice discipline (the will to complete a task) and nurturing to be of use to others. To learn to be responsible for the care of something else, to learn that kind of daily, constant care that is needed to nurture a relationship – friend, family, etc. Keeping a daily journal of thoughts, problems, conflicts, and setting out daily goals can be helpful, and counseling, too, can be helpful.
Wanting to be with someone is natural – if we weren’t raise in a family, we know people that were. Knowing how to behave, what to expect, how to support others in a shared life is the place where many of us fall short. We have to master, not just learn, respect, honor, and interacting at a family and community level.
Luck.
@True Blue — ” . . . id like you girls to know that there are some of us who ARE actively working on ourselves to become better people while we are not talking / keeping in contact with you… Not just for you but ourselves aswell.”
I deeply appreciate your post and applaud you facing your behavior straight on! Looking in the mirror and truly seeing what is there is the first step in recovering and developing the ability to truly emotionally attach and engage in a healthy relationship. Also, you’re obviously feeling something emotionally regarding this most recent relationship which has become the stimulus for change and breaking the cycle. This is a good sign and a significant step toward wellness. I’m interested in what was different in this relationship or contributing factors in your life that prompted you to face your issue now.
I’ve read that there is some correlation with early abandonment issues in EUM aka commitment phobia. Also, that when a relationship progresses to a certain level they start to experience feelings similar to claustraphobia and just feel compelled to break free to release the anxiety. Once the distance is created, the anxiety is relieved and then they move closer to their partner to repeat the cycle all over again. The dance that couples do in maintaining a certain amount of distance between them is normal in relationships. But in the case of EUM’s in the early stage of the relationship they dance very close to their partner and then move to create and maintain a couples dance with extreme distance. I don’t know if any of this is applicable or helpful to you. I can’t locate any professional journal articles on this phenomena, in other words, its not well researched and there’s likely a number of factors that contribute to the development of EU.
I can only hope and pray that my ex-EUM is doing the same thing as you, not so much for me or our relationship, but for himself so that his life can one day be fulfilled with what he wants, a healthy relationship. My ex-EUM gets to a point, panics with “what ifs” and can’t take it to the next level. I don’t know if he’s isolated and in touch with his emotion of “fear” that gets triggered but I do know that he’s aware that he needs to break the cycle and that he sabotaged our relationship. Anyway, I’m really interested in hearing more from you. It’s very helpful in understanding what an EUM goes through in his own mind with regard to relationships.
Thank you again for your post.
Its not abandonment issues, originally i refused to “fall for her” because i was to into “The game” and always felt i could do better and all of this other shit… Eventually i stopped seeing her flaws and started seeing the giant heart that this girl has, this is what made me fall for her…
Yes it took awhile (around 6 months to really start feeling love for her)… There was a night where i nearly burted it out but i restrained myself for some unknown reason, i really wish i had just said it… She wanted to move out with me at about 6 months, all i wanted to do was hang with the boys and play video games…
I was too busy looking at the now instead of the future i could of had with this girl… I honestly believe i have fried my chances with her but what really ticks me off about myself was the inability to see what was right infront of my face the whole time…
@Serena – The dance was different, for majority of the relationship i was distant and indifferent due to i wanted to give her space as all the others i had been with only ever wanted their space… actually now that im typing this it does sound like abandoment issues lol.
Most of my ex’es left me but i did not want them back… This one is different… I miss her like no tomorrow, i constantly think of her and its a pain in the but when your trying to study and all of a sudden the tears start to flow during class, its almost impossible to hide.
I definetly suffer from what if syndrome… what if i had done this? done that? your hindsight will ALWAYS be 20/20 but your foresight… well thats a different story.
As for the “feeling something emotionaly” for this girl, yea, i do, i truly love this girl like no tommorrow and would go to the ends of the earth or further if possible to fix things. I cant change the past but i can model the future. I have sat down and thought about reasons she left me but im not sure which one it actually is.
But now that im fully aware of these reasons i am trying so hard to work on all of them… One of the main reasons she left was my job… It was going nowhere and when she suggested i look for a new one my response was always “They will give me more hours soon”…
Girls i just wanna say this… Doesnt matter who place NC into action, it hurts us (talking about me anyway) just as much as it hurts you and YES we DEFINETLY wonder “does she miss me?” “Does she think about me?” “Does she still love me?” “Is she sleeping with someone else or not?” and all the other questions that pop up we definetly think about you guys just as much as you girls think of us (possibly)
Will keep you guys updated
True Blue
@True Blue — Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You said, “i refused to ‘fall for her’ because i was to into ‘The game’ and always felt i could do better and all of this other shit… ”
Sometimes holding a fantasy that something better is around the corner can be a way of maintaining emotional distance. I don’t know if this is the case for you. Some EUM’s keep dating profiles as a way of maintaining distance. Holding the thought that “there’s something better out there. . . .there’s something better out there” keeps the individual from putting (as NML says) both feet in the relationship. To really put both feet in results in vulnerability to another human being and a risk of being hurt by rejection. . . abandonment. But by holding back, the person really cheats him(her)self out of the the wonderful experience of the emotions felt through love. Sure it works to protect from the emotions of pain associated with loss, but is it really worth it if by doing this you never fully experience the wonderful emotions associated with love. To go through life emotionally numb is to not experience life fully. And who wants that!
It sounds to me like with you, even though you weren’t verbalizing your feelings in your relationship and were trying desperately to keep your emotions in check and keep things at a comfortable distance, you fell in love anyway. This is good because it means that you have not walled off your emotions to the point where you no longer have the capacity to know and feel love. I know you’re suffering right now due to the loss of love, but I also know that you will heal and be stronger and more whole when you come out the other end and be more ready and able to experience a loving relationship with someone. It’s a growth experience and growth experiences can be painful! Be happy that you’re facing and working through these issues now when you’re young. Some go through their whole lifetime and never face or resolve these issues. Take pride in yourself.
You say you’re now suffering from the “what if” syndrome in regard to hindsight. Many suffer from this and it really doesn’t matter because you’ll never know the answers to those questions and what really counts is the direction that you’re heading in now. My ex-EUM suffered from it in regard to foresight with his thinking of . . . sure, it’s great now but what if six months down the road . . . sure, we never fight, we support each other yada, yada, yada, but what if six months down the road . . . what if, what if, what if!! Life is full of risks, no one knows the future and there are no guarantees. To love is to risk through placing trust in and emotionally attaching to another human being. The alternative to emotional attachment is isolation, emptiness, and lonliness.
Regarding NC, in my case I’m doing it in an effort to emotionally detach. It’s too difficut to be in contact and detach. I still miss him and still hold hope that he will work through these issues. When he showed up at my house unexpectantly after 5 weeks NC, it just drummed up my emotions and yearnings for him again. And he showed up unchanged. He said he made a mistake with the breakup but I can tell he’s no where near ready to put both feet in this relationship in a healthy way. I go back and forth whether he came to selfishly hook my feelings back into him or he came because his feelings are hooked into me and he can’t shake them. I don’t even know if he knows.
Be strong. I respect the effort your putting into your personal growth and development.
Just gotta say to Planet Jane……….loved your comments on here from 29th July….wow! you are so moving on……I am at day 30 of NC…..and having a really struggling day. You know how it is Bank holiday weekends, friends busy elsewhere, and huge tendency to mope and have i done that today, so after sinking into the bar of chocolate read your comments about ‘does he miss me’……made me smile from ear to ear…..thanks so much for that
Dragonfly14xx
I truly admire your responses Mel!! Intelligent, honest and real.
I stumbled upon this website and I feel like it has helped take steps forward in moving on or helping with what I’m going through.
Its hard when you want to know if he misses you. I wake up everyday hoping he misses me and will look for me. I dont understand how he could forget what we had. It feels so wrong what hes doing. Its 3 weeks now since we broke up for our 2yr 9 mos relationship. It all started back in high school. Im 21 right now. We met in algebra class, First class of the day. And I sat right behind him. I started with passing him notes and being nice to him. He didnt have time for me because he was busy and I took that as he didnt like me but I continued to talk to him. And finally he asked me out. I broke up with him because he scared me when he said he wanted to have kids with me and he wanted something serious. I supposedly broke his heart and he continued to like me all throughout the years until we graduated. We spoke on and off throughout those years. I would go back to him because something drew me to him. It struck something inside me and I always remembered those words. But it always bad timing during those years. He was seeing someone else, i had a crush on somebody. He confessed his feelings to me, I shut him down because I had a crush on somebody else. I forgot about him until we graduated and then I slept with one of his friends which I thought liked me.Time passes by. And then out of nowhere he sends me an IM and we start talking again. I could feel he still liked me and I let him know that I slept with his friend and gets angry at me and tells me that whatever chance I had with him I can forget because of that and doesnt speak to me for like 2 weeks. Then he calls me and he start talking again. During that time I almost forgot he got mad at me. I was really good at that time to push things away. And I asked him out. Our relationship was so intense. I moved in with him and his parents. We fight because we feel suffocated. I move out back to my moms. He kept talking about moving out together to a better place. He wanted to move away from the crime in our city to a safer place and just be together. He leaves for Utah for like 6 months by himself to get settled and find a place for us. He drives back and forth to come and get me. Meanwhile he was over there I wanted a break from him because he became so emotionally needy while he was over there and I was scared about going to a place I never been to and with no family or means of transportation. He said if we break up its the end. I didnt want to end it like that so i got through my fear and went with him. So many things went bad over there and we basically lived on kool aid and cup n noodles for months. we fought over money and decided it was best if we came back. I came back first and he stayed over there. He couldnt wait to come back to us. When he came back he came back to his parents and I was here with my mom. My mom had issues with me and her life over her break up and was blaming everything on me even though it was her disgusting ex that spied on me while i was taking a shower. it became so tense to live with her. I asked if i could live with him and he was hesitant because of the 1st time we lived together but i had no where else to go.fast forward 1 year and im living with him still. I have 2 jobs so that i can get a car and no have to rely on anybody and he drove me to both jobs. I pay for everything i have. Rent, cellphone, internet, and i also helped out with the gas bill. since i lived with his parents. i dont like to rely on anybody for help. but the one person that i thought would help me felt i was holding him back because he wanted to get a job and not have to ask me for money and have me pay for everything. So that probably was my fault. I asked if he didnt work so that i could get my car. But it took awhile because i had debt from when we lived in utah and I had to get things for the room and then i found a car that his friend was selling and i started makng payments. Continuing with the same story he tells me that hes getting mad and frustrated with my 2 jobs and hes not doing anything. I didnt know what to do because I wanted to get ahead but I didnt want to not get my car because he wanted money. it didnt get through my head.i thought he wanted to help me. Then one night when I come home from hanging out with my friends and its late he says hes not sleepy and he decided to fix his friends laptop. He stays up all night and and i wake up at 5am to find hes still not asleep. I look for him and hes in the living room with the doors closed. when I open the door he closes something on his browser and i saw it was his gmail account. He says he coming to sleep and he does. But i go to sleep with doubt for the first time in our relationship. i wake up and go to work and its still there. Now i always had his password to this account but i never had the need or desire to go through his stuff. i open it and to my surprise there is a conversation from the time he was “fixing the computer”. He didnt bother to tell me that. Now the conversation isnt anything to be afraid about. its pretty plain. nothing that hes cheating. but why couldnt he tell me he was talking to his ex? I ask him what hes really doing and he starts to get annoyed because i keep asking him. and then i tell him. he gets mad and i tell him why i went through it and before i finish he stops me and says ” I havent been happy with you for awhile. Ive been faking it. You should find somewhere else to live.” I thought i was gonna have an emotional breakdown. I move my stuff out and i try to talk to him to get him to tell me the real reason. and when he talks to me its never the same answer. his eyes say something else than what the words that are coming out of his mouth. his voice towards me doesnt sound like hes breakin it off with me. I didnt get it his words didnt match with his actions. He doesnt want to talk to me despite my embarassing attempt to talk to him. I try t get him to open up and he sounds angry at me so i stop. I stop talking to him and let him cool off and I try talking to him after work one time at midnight and finally he tells me that he saw his life going nowhere and he doesnt feel anything right now. hes blank inside and wants to focus on himself. he tells me if he wasnt with me why would he be with anybody else. it would be the same thing with somebody else. i tell him i want to be there for him and that i still love him. he tells me its just because he broke up with me that i still feel that and for how long we were together. he tells me that i wont feel the same for him in a few months. i tell him no i wont that i love him and only him. he just wants to go to sleep. i give up. but i got a more honest answer from him. i feel better. a week passes by and i send him an email. i call him to tell him i sent it and he says hell read it. and for a second i could tell he was happy to hear my voice. but then he goes back to being cold. is it just me? why do i keep putting myself out there? everytime hes been emotionless. for what? the unknown if he feels he made a mistake hell look for me? maybe hell have feelings for me later? im not a yo-yo. i dont deserve to be dangled. i want the truth. the cold hard truth. and every time that i made the effort to talk to him i had to coax him to talk to me. because if it was for him . no contact was fine. not for me when he just dropped me like that. every time that i did speak to him it was because of a gut feeling to do something. and every time i tried i got somewhere. and right now im waiting. for his response to my email. he said he would reply this week. i dont know whether it will be bad or good. i don’t know what im waiting for. to be rejected? to be missed? to be loved? but i know that im waiting. im such a fool to love him.
in the email i wrote. to be honest i dont know im posting this but iam.
I dont know where to start. I dont want to annoy you or irritate you in anyway but Im still confused and lost.
I dont believe I deserve to be left in the dark. The reason why I dont get it still is because your reasons are not the same everytime I talk to you.
And dont try to run away from your feelings Beto because that doesnt help. I need some sort of closure from you if there is ABOSOLUTELY nothing left. And i dont think you are being honest with yourself Beto. I think you are frustrated in the point in your life that you are at. and your taking it out on me. and to be honest i think thats what ur going through. You dont know how to deal with your problems that you have and you keep them inside. And I was there to make things worse by annoying you with stuff. I never wanted to be that person to you Beto. I want to be the person that makes you happy. And Ill do anything to make you happy. We can both learn from this and be better. Our relationship is stronger than this. If we took a whole year apart because u were over there and I was here after we can get through this. And being poor together in Utah only made us stronger. We both could tell how the other person was feeling without sayin anything to each other. I love you for who you are Beto. If not a single guy while we were together could make me think twice about you why would it now? I always had guys after me while I was with you beto and Im not saying that to make you feel anything. Im saying it to show you how I devoted i was to you. and still am.
No matter what problems we have right now beto we can get through them. If you are need of space to get your head on straight and think things about how and when u want to get to things done in your life I can step away so you can have your space. I dont want to be in the way. But you have to be honest with me. I have absolutely no desire to be with anybody else in life but you. We both need to grow up maybe a bit more and and grow together. Please dont throw away our relationship over something that made you mad beto. I will do anything to make you happy. Just let me know what it is that you want. But be honest and clear with me. You dont say to a person that they are the one and that you want to marry them and have children if you didnt feel that true love that people look for. Dont be afraid. We can take it slow like when we first started dating again. You just have to be honest with yourself and me. I dont deserve to left the way that I am right now.
If i was being selfish to you and doing things that made you mad Im sorry. If you didnt feel like staying at home anymore. that isnt a problem beto.
You just have to be able to tell me without it sounding like a demand. I dont mind doing things for you and caring for you beto if its not a demand. When you told me that you were sick and tired of being home and you wanted to get a job. Yes you told me but do you know how you sounded? You didnt tell me how you were feeling you made a statement that you were mad and I didnt want to argue with you so I told you what I felt and you didnt reciprocate on how we could fix that. I told you i would have dropped food for less instantly if you would have told me. But it isnt the same when you tell me things and dont tell me anything else. I always worked hard to fix our problems. And beto if you take a look at our problems you can tell these things are simple to fix because they arent big problems. they are petty little things. You dont like being mad I dont like being mad.
I just dont want things to escalate to the point where we cant fix them anymore thats why when we would argue it was because i dont want it to get bigger for no reason. When you told me that I was having a problem when i would get mad for every little thing. I took a hard look at what i was doing and you were right. I was getting mad because I was tired and sleepy. But you know what I fixed it beto. we didnt get into small arguments anymore. i bet you didnt notice that did u? I told you when Im wrong i dont have a problem admitting it. a person changes when they want to beto. and i changed my way of snapping because you were right, i was wrong. You cant change a person unless they want to beto. And i did it for you. And if there is anything else that needs to be changed we can do it beto. people grow up and change and when your with somebody you grow with them.
There is no way in hell that i would want to break things off with you beto. I love you with all my heart and I want to be your wife. There is no one else that i want to kiss , to hug, or to even look at in the morning. If i hurt you beto i never meant to hurt you.
For such a long time we were together and for how long we loved each other and how we cried when we got together again. I dont think this the end for use beto. our love is much stronger than this. Dont throw this away beto. you know that i love you and i know you love me. I can feel it.
you know we can work through this. just let me know how you feel beto. I tried alot of things for you beto.
Do this for me.
and im waiting. im keeping busy.listening to new music. signed up for paino lessons. got a beach cruiser to go biking. yet hes still there in my mind.the one thought is : does he miss me?
Rosa,
Your message is very sad. It hurts to read about so much affection gone wrong, and so much hurt.
Reading your story, it seems that you rely on words. That saying “I love you” means that loves exists. That saying “our relationship is strong” means that there is a meaningful relationship between to responsible, honest, and caring people.
But that isn’t true. Wanting something, even wanting very badly doesn’t ever make it true. Your guy was never a man of character, he never had the honesty to know himself, or to let you know what was true for him.
When a man says that he isn’t in love, that he doesn’t want to be with you – that may be the only truth you will ever hear again from him.
It is said that women are much smarter than men. Women can hold a conversation about emotions and feelings, and make sense. Men cannot tell you how they feel, because usually they don’t know. Lust, feelings of affection or jealousy or anger? those often come through OK.
But if a guy wants to be your man, to build a home and family with you, what you need is to *see* that he *is there*. The words really don’t count. And always, always remember the 30 minute rule – never rely on anything said in the 30 minutes before or after an orgasm, or the hope of an orgasm. Ever, guy or gal. That is a time ruled by hormones and social drives that make the words just noise and music.
If you aren’t able to live on your own, to be your own woman, first and foremost, you aren’t ready to take a man to your heart. The risk you run, if you try to jump in too soon, is to be confused by your feelings of affection and lust, and fail your primary duty to yourself, your family, and your community and faith – to assure that the guy you pick is worthy, a useful member of the community, with good character and the respect of friends and elders.
There are many places on this site, Baggage Reclaim, that talk about closure, about finding out what went wrong and whether there is still a chance. The answer? It is useless to ask. If the guy had enough character and knowledge to answer – you would likely not be apart.
The primary problem you face is your low self esteem, or you would have known that this guy wasn’t dependable. You would never have taken him to your heart. You would have known, in your heart and in your gut, that he didn’t have, on his best day, the quality of man you needed him to be, to share your life with you. With self esteem and knowledge of yourself, you can choose to set boundaries. Boundaries are the places where rules and understanding what is right and wrong, what is acceptable and what is not, are enforced. When someone crosses a boundary or tries to, you know that you will turn away from that person.
Young kids in a store, if one should swipe something off a counter and try to leave without paying – the others might go along and at least not report the theft, or convince the shoplifter to return the item. That is lack of boundaries. If instead one were to confront the shoplifter to be, at the time, and get the item back onto the shelf – that is a boundary that protects against violating the law, that recognizes stealing and opposes it.
A better boundary would be to avoid people that tend to shoplift.
Or to avoid people that don’t keep their word, or respect you. Especially in a relationship.
You promised many times to make him happy. I was told that the point of dating – before promises are made – is to have fun. That the guy has the responsibility, if he isn’t having fun, to thank the lady and move on. What does this mean for her? First, that she enjoys making him happy. If it isn’t fun – they you are responsible for something important. No one can do this task but you. If you aren’t enjoying making him happy – you have to send him away. If you try what you are willing to do – and I am specifically *not* talking about sex – if what you are willing to do doesn’t make him happy – you have to leave.
There is no reason on God’s green earth to get to know someone that doesn’t enjoy and respect you, and that you don’t enjoy being with. Well, outside arranged marriage, and there are people you can turn to there, to get problems resolved.
The first part of a good relationship, the part you skipped with your guy, is to pick a responsible and respectful partner. Remember that it is what he does, what he stands for, that counts – run away from slick words and rushed intimacy. Because this guy, someone this manipulative, that is willing to use someone this much, will not change. He will never be the man of your dreams, he will not even be a real man of the house you seem intent on building for him.
Do not ask him for explanations, or second chances, or closure. What you need is to learn to live more fully, in a way that shows that right and wrong are clear in your life. You should spend every day feeling respect for the choices you make and for the people you call friends. What ever explanations he makes cannot matter – there is no respect in him for you, nor honesty, nor honor. What ever explanations he gives do not matter, because you need, for your own self respect, to make the choice for yourself.
And you need to choose respect and honesty and honor in your life, and to avoid all people that don’t live a respectful life.
While you chase and flatter and entreat this guy, you stay bound to the part of you that doesn’t believe you need respect. You won’t find a good man when you keep this boy in your life. And that means that you cannot afford to ask him for answers, or forgiveness, or for closure. What he says, we know for certain sure, isn’t worth the breath he wastes. His actions, his honor are not there even if his words hold promises.
As lost as you seem to feel, as angry with him, and as much as you want a happy life and think that your life might ever be happy and still have him around – the reality is that you have to find your own way, and you have to have responsible and healthy people to depend upon.
Blessed be.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..ps: Empowering girls, and self confidence =-.
I am/was also dealing with a similar issue. As if once wasn’t enough, I fell for the same crap TWICE in a row with my past two relationships. Running across this website and reading all your comments has really hit the jackpot, so I’d like to share my experiences.
The earlier relationship with AC #1, I was on a three-month break from relationships before I started talking to him. It started out with him telling me about how much wrong his “ex-wife” had done him, how much his family didn’t understand him, and all the most bullsh*tted crap anyone can pull out of their ass. He asked me to be his girlfriend twice before I gave in to pressure and pity. For five months, there were so many obvious signs that something wasn’t right, but I gave him benefit of the doubt anyway. For instance, he would always make up excuses as to why I couldn’t go over to his house as much. Most of the time we hung out, it would be at my place. I even ended up getting a puppy during this, because he had promised to help me out with it. That was BS. He couldn’t ever find time to help me keep the puppy whenever I went to work, none of that shit. We were always fighting because his “ex-wife” kept getting in touch with me and saying crap. Towards the end, I found out there was no “ex-wife.” They were STILL married, although she was by that time trying get a divorce. When it all ended, I was on the phone with them both through HIS phone while I was on speakerphone, so that we could all have a good ‘ol chit chat. He denied everything, made me feel insignificant in front of her. I was just the other girl when he couldn’t get what he wanted from her. After that conversation, I basically got all I needed to know, and cut contact. Five months of my life wasted. There were A LOT more crap involved, but I won’t trouble you with this as much, since I’m long over this one. It’s just a lesson learned. =)
With AC #2 (the very recent issue), oh this is so good, lol. It took me ONE month to get over AC #1. AC #2 had been around even while AC #1 was still in the picture. He was THAT great, sympathetic guy who was so willing to listen, and was always there. He was a guy I had recently met who was supposed to have been a real friend. While I was still with AC #1, he was always texting and calling, and messaging me through facebook, telling me he was going through the SAME situation and that he understood how I felt. I was relieved to know there was someone else who understood what I was going through, so I clung onto his open invitation for me to vent. I’m not gonna lie, that one month was hell. I took it really poorly. I was having serious withdrawal. Nothing was fun. Even when I hung out with my friends, I still felt lonely and empty, and hurt. Nothing helped to ease the situation. I talked to all my friends (AC #2 included) about it ALL the time, and cried, and complained about what an idiot I was. Then AC #2 came back to town from school, and wanted to hang out. We hung out a couple times, he started coming over at night whenever I got off work to keep me company and talk to me (night time is when you feel the sh*ttiest during times like this). He’d drive over, listen to me vent for hours almost every night, and then drive back home later during the night. We started hanging out more as I pulled myself out of my withdrawal. I considered him a really good friend by then, and we were always out doing stuff together and talking on the phone a lot. The one day, he asked about “us.” I was stunned. At the same time, I started feeling guilty for having somehow lead him into thinking I was interested in THAT sense. I told him that I had just recently gotten out of a really bad relationship and that I still needed time to put myself fully back together. He said he understood, and we left it at that for a while. A while meaning a week or so, haha. He asked me again…and this time I thought about it. ‘What the hell…he’s been soooo good to me. Maybe I should give him a chance.’ So I did. I had fun. He was a very good boyfriend, at the beginning. He’d show up at my place sometimes with flowers and make cute drawings for me, and all that sweet, lovey-dovey stuff. Texting and messaging sweet things to me was all there. We talked ALL the time. Little did I know, he was losing his license within ten days after we made it official. Didn’t even bother to tell me about this until after we’d gotten together. I was like, ‘Okay, no big deal. I have a car, I drive. No problem.’ The first three months were great. I drove to see him at his school. He treated us out. We hung out, enjoyed each other’s company. Then we fell out and had a “break [up].” His best friend/first ex had asked him to go to her formal with her because somehow her date had bailed out on her. I didn’t like the idea first of all because he had mentioned how they were considering getting back together ONE month before he started talking to me. However, I took her into consideration, and said okay. However, I asked him whether or not he would have gone if I had said no. He told me he still would have anyway. And I lost it. For him to sit there and make me ponder this for days, only to tell me that even if I had said no, he was still gonna go. I was pissed. So we “broke up.” A couple days later, we got back together, lol. Yes, I fell for the “I miss you” BS. Everything was good again, although not the same. There were some elements in the relationship that went missing through that “break up.” I should have known better to have let it end there. I should have. Throughout those last five months, I still did all the driving because he wasn’t getting his license back for six months from when he lost it. I drove to see him a lot. Over the summer, I was at his parents’ house with him while he was back home for summer break. I wasn’t taking any summer classes so when I wasn’t working, we were practically together, sometimes for days and nights at a time. You can almost say we practically lived together. He started hiding his phone. Started making up stories that didn’t make sense. I’d ask him about it repeatedly and he’d just get frustrated and say I was always too suspicious about everything. I started suspecting he was up to no good, but I suspected the wrong person of it. I thought it was his best friend/first ex. I think in a sense he kind of allowed me to keep thinking it was her, so that he could deny it and tell me I’m being ridiculous and technically get the satisfaction of not lying when he denied it. He’s weird like that. At one point, he told me he loved me, and took it back about a month later, lol. Oh boy, I should have ended it there. Stupid me. I stayed anyway, and bought his stupid story about why he did it. So now, about two weeks ago, he got caught. How I love Facebook. It’s the best source for just about anything. I ran across the profile of his ex prior to me, through someone I knew from him. Curiosity got the best of me, so I clicked her profile and found out she was mentioning stuff about him in her notes and stuff. Basically, he was still calling, and the way she had stuff on there, they were talking again. So, I did what I had to do, and messaged her letting her know he was in a relationship with me in case she didn’t know. She messaged back saying he was in a relationship with her and didn’t know what was going on. Five minutes later, he texted me saying he was sorry, and how I “deserved” better. I called him, because I was shocked, and wanted to know what was going on, and how he pulled this crap off for 8 months. He acted like a d*ck about it, and even said that he was ‘already enough of a d*ck and basically didn’t feel like talking to me because he didn’t want to end up being even more of a d*ck.’ He told me he KNEW there was nothing he could do to make it up to me. I thought it was fishy, so I asked him if he would do anything to make it up to me if I had said there was indeed something he could do. He said he would, but kept repeating how he knew there wasn’t. I prodded him, because I knew he was basically indirectly telling me he wasn’t willing to do anything to make it up to me. I asked him one last time if he would be willing to do whatever it took to make it up to me if I told him there was something he could do. He finally told me basically that there “was,” but it was pointless because he didn’t see us being together long anyway. So I prodded him some more, and he told me some hurtful crap. How we had NOTHING in common and he had EVERYTHING in common with her, he didn’t see himself being with me for very long, how he loved her although he enjoyed my company (that was all I was, company). Then he played the “my phone is dying” crap and hung up on me. By then I wasn’t expecting any calls or messages back. I was hurt, but I got my answers. I was still on the phone with one of my friends about it when he called me at around 2 am. So I let my friend go and pick up his call because I figured we hadn’t finished discussing things earlier that night after all. As soon as I answered, he started bawling and begging for me to take him back. How he was so so so so so so so so sorry. How he needed me. How I was so perfect for him. How he was so stupid. How he would do ANYTHING to make it up to me. And I sat there, stunned at how soon this was actually happening. And laughed at him. It hurt enough for me to not know how to respond except laugh. He sat there and told me it wasn’t funny and kept sniffling and bawling and begging over and over again. But, I told him he was gonna be okay, and repeated to him EVERYTHING hurtful he had just said to me earlier that night. I refused to fall for it, because I remembered how he had at one point told me he could make himself cry if he wanted to. Tsk tsk tsk, that’s guys for you. Heartless. Ended up on the phone that night for almost 2-3 hours straight talking to him. How funny things play out. I got cheated on, and I was the one consoling HIM. Things work in the strangest ways. So that night I went to bed satisfied. I overcame one of my biggest flaws. Of giving in because it was the normal. Because it was the easy way out of the current feeling and situation. I did NOT give in. The next day he called again repeatedly while I was at school. Finally picked up, and he was still crying and begging, wanting me to let him come see me the next day. I told him no, and told him again that he was gonna be okay. That I’d still be his friend. Odd huh? I was offering friendship to someone who did me wrong. He finally texted me later saying he was gonna leave me alone, that I obviously would be happier if he didn’t exist, that he couldn’t be just a friend to me. We texted back and forth a bit, and I told him I never said such a thing, and I still offered friendship. After that day, he stopped calling to cry and beg for forgiveness. However, the very next day, he did call to have a random conversation about his day. The day afterwards, he texted wishing me good night. Then I didn’t here from him for a couple days. I was honestly a little worried for some reason. Some of his family members hadn’t really heard or seen him lately, so I texted him to see if he was alright. Somehow, we ended up talking again, first starting as just casual friend talk. Then he started pulling the “I miss you” crap again. But I knew that he was doing the same thing with the other girl that he was doing to me. So I told him that, if he really wanted to get back with me, I expected change, and I expected him to get rid of this other girl who happens to be the one ex that he always cheats on and runs back to. Maybe I made a mistake thinking it was possible people could change. Even his best friend/ex hinted to me that I should just let him go and not allow him to keep stringing me along to hurt me. Anyway, he told me he’d 3-way her and prove to me that she was gonna know about me and that he was gonna rid himself of her for good. (I forgot to mention that he denied everything to her when he got caught. She’s an idiot and holds onto his every word. It’s dumb girls like her that allow f*cked up guys like him to screw girls like me over. I hate thinking about it cause it makes me mad.) When time came to do it, he backed out. So I said bye, and for us to just drop the idea of getting back together. I hadn’t heard from him since. I texted him a couple days later pertaining to some incident that had happened the month before with the phone bill. He acted like an ass as if he didn’t want to even answer a simple question. The next day, he texted me to see how I was doing. We texted back and forth over casual talk about our day and classes. And just today, he out of the blue texted me something along the line of, “Hey! Just thinking about you. Hoping you’re having a good day. If you ever need someone to talk with about anything, know that I’m always here to listen.” I replied thanking him and telling him that he had the same privilege. Honestly, I was at one point trying to see the real reason behind that random text. But I ran across this website, and realized that it would be pointless and a waste of my time to try to decipher SOME hidden meaning or the real motive behind it.
So, two weeks later, I like to think I am doing fine. Does HE miss me? Yes, I do wonder at times. And, I’m not going to lie, there have been and probably will still be times when I’ll think about this sh*t again and feel really crappy. Sometimes trying to remember all the bad stuff to counteract the good times isn’t always the best way. If anything, it can make you feel even worse by allowing you to consider yourself as such an idiot to have allowed yourself to be put through it. Trust me, I’ve done enough of that. So now, when I’m feeling BLAH about this, I consider what THEY have done to get with me to begin with. Yes, okay, I fell for the pity and pressure game twice. However, AC #1 was said (by his wife) to have taken out a loan to somehow try to impress me at the beginning. AC #2 pretended to be everything I wanted in a guy. The things a guy will do just so he could play a girl, haha. It’s almost humorous. So I’ll end it with this. At one point, they wanted me enough to pretend to be something they’re not. AC #2 might be with that other girl, who is basically his lap dog/B and does his every bidding. BUT, at one point, he was MY lap dog/B, pretending to be everything I wanted to please ME. =) I’m so proud to say that I’ve never had to stoop to that level to get someone I want, and never plan to. So in the end, I think all this drama and BS has helped me grow. And I hope you guys can see your situations also as just mere learning lessons in life as well. =)
PS. SORRY FOR SUCH A LONG POST!
Hi Mysterious – you should join the forum as your comment will be more suited there and can be discussed with other members. Thanks
“And always, always remember the 30 minute rule – never rely on anything said in the 30 minutes before or after an orgasm, or the hope of an orgasm. Ever, guy or gal. That is a time ruled by hormones and social drives that make the words just noise and music.”
Thanks, Brad, for the rule! I’ve always thought of the 30 minutes “after” as being the one time that truth is spoken, for that’s how it is for me. The soft whisperings of love words, the letting down of barriers – “music.” That’s when all my vulnerabilities and confessions come out. Crap. This site teaches me more every day.
I have just been taught a very painful lesson. I broke NC. What an idiot. I saw my Mr Unavailable on Saturday..and MY GOD…what a mistake. He is in a relationship with someone else. I am the fallback girl and I made it so easy for him. It’s been years of on and off, then something cracked.
He was honest with me. He told me that he has a life to lead. He told me that the world doesnt stop turning not knowing me. He said that live goes on – that he has a life and that we can’t continue along this road forever. I know this – but never thought for a second he would be this blunt. But his honesty, like a stab in my heart, awoke my senses. It made me realise all those months of NC of me wondering whether he missed me – he didnt, or if he did it was sparce. Take it at face value – it is what it is. If he doesnt contact you – he doesnt want to speak to you, AND we should be stronger in order to push them out of our lives! Men are not like us. They compartmentalize everything – everything has a box. And that goes for the Ex girlfriend, the old flame! Life is not worth wondering, thinking, stressing over someone that is probably just getting on with living! Don’t do what I did and hold on to old memories – the old words, actions mean nothing! It is what they do NOW not THEN. Then is over. Now is the future! xX
I know this website is more oriented toward women, but I thought I might share my experience, which may in turn help you girls out. Especially those of you that have been drug-out by retards and dipshits
Note: I’m not even close to gay, metro sexual, or anything close to that nature. In fact to give you a little perspective, I’m a 6’5” 260lbs x-college football player. I love to hunt, fish, and I love my Jack and coke. I kind of have a soft side is all.
When I was 19 I dated this girl (I was a football player and she was a cheerleader) for about a year and a half. We were pretty much crazy about each other (first love for both of us). We would spend nearly every waking moment with one another. For the last couple weeks of our relationship she went Looney-tune on me and began to complain that I wasn’t the guy she fell in love with and that I didn’t treat her the way that she felt I needed to treat her. I broke it off quickly because I didn’t want it to get ugly and end up hating each other. I also thought that some time apart would help us both come to our senses and find that we couldn’t live without one another and eventually we would end up getting back together. I found that I liked the freedom, not to indulge in other women, in fact I had no interest in finding someone else. She quickly hitched up with a guy that was completely the opposite of me (short, tattooed, atheist, vegan, singer in a scream-o band, manipulative, and not so interested in getting to know her family). After seeing her with this guy I was devastated, heartbroken, and pissed off.
-Note: Now I had read an article on this site about how people will often date another person that has the opposite qualities of the previous person that they dated. I love, but at the same time hate that people do this. I love it because it allows people to see what else is out there. It kind of assures you into knowing exactly what you want in a guy/girl. I hate it because it sometimes changes people. Sometimes people can’t help but mold themselves to how their new boy/girlfriend acts and is because they are so different, and they began accepting things and allowing things to happen in their life that they normally wouldn’t allow to happen. This blows my mind really. You should date someone that you find attractive and holds the qualities that you find are necessary to yours and his/her happiness. Not go against the grain because you think it will make up for the needs your ex didn’t fulfill. When you let your mind drift into believing you need the exact opposite of your previous boy/girlfriend you’re only looking going to find problems.
Take me for example, I like girly girls with a little bit of an attitude, and know what they want in life. Girls that are independent but have the need for strong affection. I started to date a girl that was sort of sort of a push over and let people walk all over her. It was terrible, and I found that I didn’t want that at all. Which is a good thing. Now my ex girlfriend on the other hand molded and twisted to fit into her new boyfriends personality. She became moderately disconnected from her family and from herself in some ways. She now has more issues than you can imagine 5 years later. Girls, DON”T DO THIS. Don’t mold to your new boyfriends personality.
Back to my story……
I told myself I had to move on, and to be honest with you I did. I moved into a house with 5 other football players and we had an absolute ball every day we lived in that house. I didn’t need a girlfriend anymore I had had 5 buddies and almost always one of them was down to drink beer, play video games, or do anything else that seemed like a good idea at the time. But at the same time I always thought of my ex. I would compare any other girl I met to her and none added up, because they weren’t her. I began to miss her.
After about a year or so after we had broken up, while she was still with this guy, she called me up and asked if I still loved her. Right then I knew she wasn’t over me. For the next 4 years, while she stayed with this guy (through their physical fights, emotional abuse, and her disconnection from her family), she and I would talk and eventually go on dates without her boyfriend knowing. These dates were no more than dinner, talking, reminiscing at times, and the hug good-bye. Often our conversations would hit pretty close to home, sometimes telling one another that we still loved each other. At times one or the other of us would have to cut it off and we couldn’t talk anymore because she could never find herself to separate herself from the boyfriend. This then developed into us spilling all our feelings for each other and a night where she cheated on her boyfriend with me. She told him what she had done, but he manipulated her back into staying with him. She was always looking for a way out but could never take the plunge. This sent me into a downward spin and I lost all self-esteem. I’m better now but, I still haven’t completely gotten back on my feet from it.
She recently broke up with her boyfriend, moved out of his place, and in with her sister. She contacted me the day she moved out and wanted to clear the air between us. We have been talking since then and kicking around the idea of getting back together. I know she isn’t ready because she is still in shock over the old boyfriend (a month and a half after 5 years with this guy). I feel that she just needs a close friend to help her find herself again, not a boyfriend. I care for her so much and something inside me won’t let me give up on her. we have already been on dates, but sometimes it feels like she is forcing herself into being kind of lovey dovey with me to just keep me in her back pocket for when she does decide she is ready to take the next step. I don’t want her to force anything. I like that she wants me in her life, but I think she needs me to be that guy that listens and gives advice. As well as that guy that tells her ass to get on the back of my four-wheeler and hold on tight. She just needs some good o’l fashion fun and excitement to take her mind off all of her other stresses. If it is meant to be between us something will just click inside of us both and we’ll be crazy about each other once again.
Don’t you just hate the ones that hold that soft spot in your heart for the rest of your life and there isn’t anything you can do about it. I feel lucky to have a second chance with this girl. I hope she feels the same.
-Note: what you can learn from this is to not be afraid to go back to an ex, especially if the breakup wasn’t ugly. Don’t try and force it back to the way it was, have fun and enjoy the other person. Things may fall in place as time goes on……if it is meant to be it will work out just fine.
Hey Big Guy,
thanks for your story. I know what you mean. you can date a lot of people but there is always this one person that someone you seem never to get over with.
I kinda had the same with my former boyfriend. For some reason we also found a way to reconnect again, but also on a more friendship basis.
I agree that you should not just erase people out if your mind or heart, especially when you were very much in love.
But I realized that somehow no matter how good you get along after a break-up, it is very very difficult to not love this person anymore.
I had remember my ex and I, we had great conversations an d I loved talking to him “as a friend” but somehow, the past always kinda caught up. I was waiting for him to make a move towards me, to tell me what he wanted, fight for me or so… but he did not really respond (not the way I wanted him to).
I ended up feeling very lonely.
I wish you the best, but I just wanted to tell that sometimes it may be better to let go completely in order to really growth and develop.
That is what i am trying to do now. I still like my ex, maybe I still have feelings I don´t know. But I had to make a cut in order to not sit around and wait for him to be more than just friends again one day.
People may change, but instead of waiting you have to look at yourself and evaluate what you want/need now…
I am not a pessimist when it comes to love, not at all. I just know that waiting for something to happen can cause even more pain than to just leave “old feelings, friends, partners” behind and open yourself up to new things.
You can keep the good moments in your heart, you know. You won´t lose them.
Best,
Steff
WOW Big Guy, I needed to read that. I haven’t told my story here yet – just been on this site every day for a month and slowly healing. Like another poster said, “2 steps forward, 1 step back.” I perked up reading your post because you sound like the guy that just broke my heart.
My Story…
I have dated D for 12 years and we have a 6 year old daughter. He is 58 and I am 47. We have gone through a lot in these years (mainly his midlife freakout when I became pregnant with our daughter.) We get along well now and he says our daughter and I are his reason for living. I am very secure with the knowledge that this man loves me very much and will be by my side forever.
About 5 months ago, I went to the bar with a couple girlfriends and I met J. He was handsome and funny. He was 41 and an ex high-school and college quarterback. We became fast friends and began texting and met for dinner a few times. He was a single dad with a 3 year old daughter that i fell in love with. We were able to talk about anything and we both felt that we understood eachother so well. He lived 3 blocks from me and it became a very convenient friendship until I fell in love with him.
Soon, I told my boyfriend about him and we broke up. It was devastating for him and I felt so bad for him and what I was doing to our daughter. All I thought about was my incredible attraction to J and that we would be together. He had told me on many occasions that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he liked me so much that he had been talking to his mom about me. She had warned him to be careful because he would get his heart hurt if I went back to my exboyfriend. He had joked a few times that he didn’t know what I wanted with him and that I was way out of his league. My boyfriend is a wealthy business owner and J was a 70 hour a week car salesman. But I am not a money motivated person and couldn’t care less.
Well…I guess the inevitable happened. Once J could have me, he started becoming unavailable…going days without a call and rarely replying to my texts. When I confronted him (found him in a bar) he said that he was a loser that could never make me happy anyway. He said he was a bachelor and that his life was work and sports and drinking. “This is who I am.” he said. Also, that he wasn’t the “relationship type.” He said he could tell I was used to way more than he could ever give. He also said I was the closest thing he had to an “emotional connection” with anyone. Then he left the bar out the back door.
I was so hurt and angry and confused that I texted him 20 messages all night. I received one text from him the next morning saying he got sick and had to leave the night before and he would call me after work. I told him not to bother. I did contact him a week ago when I drunk texted him… “you ran away before you even found out what i wanted.” The next morning he called but I was too embarassed to answer the phone.
It has been 4 weeks since I have seen him and I have spent most of it reading, reading and rereading the articles on this website. My exboyfriend knows everything and says he is willing to forgive me if I will go to couples counseling. It is a fight between my head and my heart.
D is such a good man but I don’t feel the attraction and passion I felt for J. How can I make a life with D when J is on my mind everyday? I remember someone telling me years ago that if you see someone that you have such a magnetism for, you should run the other way as fast as you can. I sure wish I would have.
I got played big time by a smooth talking german guy who was on a free dating site..his id name was andy12345a. I think he is married or living with a partner because for months he was very secretive about where he lived and blocked his phone number from showing, never wanted to go out, used his job as a excuse and usually wanted to come over during lunch. When he first contacted me he said he was single but after a year of seeing him, he was still blocking his phone number from showing so I started to think he must be living with a partner. By that time I was emotionally hooked on him. I took this from him for a year and during that year he kept chasing other girls on the free dating site and cheated on me too. I feel devastated emotionally and have been depressed. My self esteem has been dragged down too. In the first 2 months of meeting him he said he “thought” he was falling in love with me but I realize now it was just words he said to get me in bed. After he got sex he started cheating on me with other girls on the dating site and lying about it. Told me I was the only one he was talking to but he was on the site every day. I am still trying to get over this. I have not talked to him in months and am working on repairing my self esteem.
I didn’t he would be one of those men that do the things you said these a*sclowns do – but he did and you were right. After 4 months of dropping out of sight with no call or reason why, I read your books over and over, ever single day. I loved him, he “loved me but not the way I loved him”. How stupid of me. I tried so hard for the no-contact rule and I was doing really well. Then, 4 months later, a text on a Sunday afternoon. He was thinking about me on Father’s Day because my dad had died right before he dropped out. How sweet. We started texting (no, no phone call) – I had lots of questions that I needed answers for -(did he miss me, I wished!) So he came over to explain (he “had so many problems”) and you guessed it – we ended up in bed. He leaves, nothing for the next 4 days. It starts all over again. Lots of texts, nothing else. Lots of sexy talk. The weekend comes, he drops out. After 3 weeks now, lots of texts, that’s it. “Hello sexy, how are you today?” He just wants to play at work when he’s bored and get turned-on. He sucked me right back in – it was so easy for him! I beat myself up for falling for it. Now I have to start all over again. I only hope this time it takes a lot less time to KNOW FOR SURE that I don’t ever want contact with him again. From this day forward, I won’t let another man treat me so badly.
PH
I didn’t think he would be one of those men that do the things you said these a*sclowns do – but he did and you were right. After 4 months of dropping out of sight with no call or reason why, I read your books over and over, ever single day. I loved him, he “loved me but not the way I loved him”. How stupid of me. I tried so hard for the no-contact rule and I was doing really well. Then, 4 months later, a text on a Sunday afternoon. He was thinking about me on Father’s Day because my dad had died right before he dropped out. How sweet. We started texting (no, no phone call) – I had lots of questions that I needed answers for -(did he miss me, I wished!) So he came over to explain (he “had so many problems”) and you guessed it – we ended up in bed. He leaves, nothing for the next 4 days. It starts all over again. Lots of texts, nothing else. Lots of sexy talk. The weekend comes, he drops out. After 3 weeks now, lots of texts, that’s it. “Hello sexy, how are you today?” He just wants to play at work when he’s bored and get turned-on. He sucked me right back in – it was so easy for him! I beat myself up for falling for it. Now I have to start all over again. I only hope this time it takes a lot less time to KNOW FOR SURE that I don’t ever want contact with him again. From this day forward, I won’t let another man treat me so badly.
PH
I love this site!! Everything that I have been thru recently has been captured in your articles, and I have gained so much valuable insight. I finally cut off contact with my MUA/AC after 10 months last Saturday. Things started off great, It was a happy seven months, then he started blowing hot and cold. The past three months have been torture. I kept asking if his feelings changed, because his behavior changed. He kept saying no. (I learned to pay more attention to actions than words). He completely changed the way he talked to me – no more affectionate words – baby, babe, boo, etc. I could tell something had changed, but he kept saying it was me assuming stuff. So, Saturday I finally just let him know this wasn’t working and to stop contacting me. Guess what he said??? I thought we can still be friends! I told him that is not going to work for me. I am relieved that it is over, no more hot and cold, no more guessing, worrying or wondering. I do miss the good times we used to share, but i realize he is not that person and never will be.
wow, good for you. At least you realize it isn’t working and that you can’t be friends. thats great 🙂
Wow bigguy i give you a lot of credit for doing what you did but yeah like you said theres a soft spot we cant control im dealing with the same thing.
I was with someone for 4 years , We met at a concert in the city and i tell you it was love at first sight.. the last year of our relationship was really hectic breaking up getting back together trying to fix something we simply could not.. Me being a fool I always took him back and accepted his apologies to me
we had sort of a long distance relationship but he was only 2 hours away and we would spend weekends together and try to spend as much time together as we could.. The Last straw of our relationship was pretty bad the last 6 months we decided to break up again and i actually moved on and found a new boy friend , Nothing like my previous ex but completely different in may ways.. So my ex decides to Email , call me crying , begging for me back promising my hand in marriage… That he has made a terrible mistake of leaving me… so 2-3 months later I still felt in my heart that i loved him so i started to see him again and broke it off with the other person i was seeing but we kept in touch.. So we see each other again everything is fine for a few weeks maybe 2 months top.. He changes his mind again and breaks up with me!!!! I was getting really MAD and aggravated he promised to marry me he promised me so many things and decides to break up with me over a text message.. He has never made the time to come and see me for closure mailed my things back said he couldn’t be with me that it’s not the right choice for him.. Ok then what is .. I understand were in our early 20’s but we were together since I was 17 and he was 18 and being together for 4 years should be a big deal to anyone! We decided to stop talking yeah i sent him occasional texts and emails and so did he … So time goes on he ends up being in another relationship after 7 months of us separating… When he has told me one of the reasons we were breaking up is cause he wanted to be free and live his young years without being tied down.. So can someone explain to me WHY? is he already with someone else?? Iv’e tried to talk to him as friends and he is telling me his new gf won’t allow him to talk to me anymore… I have had encounters with her over emails and calls because she happens to know who i am because of him and i feel its a little weird how she’s controlling him and him being ok with it.. She has texted me saying i think he may be in love with you still and she feels a threat towards me talking to him… Which makes no sense cause he is flaunting his relationship and posting photos of her every 2 seconds saying how in love they are when they only been together for 3-4 months.. I dont get it… Can someone explain to me WHAT IS GOING ON?? is he trying so hard to make me jealous and upset ??? I would love a few responses to people to help me better understand this…
Stephanie
what I don’t get is that if you two or he ended the relationship why are you emailing and texting each other, texting his girlfriend about him, looking at his facebook. Over means over. Finished means finished. I know it hurts but you need to butt out of his life (have him and new g/f butt out of yours if they’re inclined to butt in) and get on with your own life. There’s been too much drama (it sounds exhausting), too much back and forth, so that when you’re broke up you’re still acting like you’re not broke up. You broke up! He made his choice (err… he has chosen and unchosen quite a few times in fact – what does he think this is, pick-and-mix?). Let him live with his choice this time and stop hanging around on the sidelines with your binoculars, taking notes doing the calculations and waiting to see if he’ll change his mind – again! Don’t give him the chance to reject you – again. The matter is done. Let them get on with it. Switch him off. It’s a bad drama (and it sounds like you are creating most of it).