When a man decides to opt out of the relationship by ending it, it is no different to when he chooses to opt out of it by behaving in counterproductive, assclownish ways but not actually uttering the words, ‘It’s over’. They both amount to the same thing.
I was talking with someone a few days ago and she said ‘But he’s still here and until he actually says it’s over, I’ve got to believe that we still have a chance’.
But actually he’s already left the building. He’s sleeping around and she hasn’t actually seen him properly for several weeks. That’s a funny kind of ‘here’ to me. Aside from the fact that you have to ask why she can’t end it if he doesn’t actually end it, you also have to ask what on earth she is waiting for!
We often believe that once we hear the words that it will signify when our own action will kick in, but as many a reader can testify to, being told that it’s over is no guarantee of that. If we’re hellbent on avoiding reality and dodging the pain, him actually saying it’s over can signify the start of us doing and saying all sorts of things on our ‘win back’ campaign.
What we have to realise is that not only is talk cheap but that we have to be more ‘action’ focused.
If a man says ‘we are exclusive’ and then shags around behind your back or shops around online, you’re not exclusive. Saying it and doing it are two different things. Anyone can say anything. But, can they live their words?
What’s the difference between a man saying ‘I want to break up’ or one that disappears for weeks (or even months) until you get the message? Nothing, it both amounts to the same thing.
What you have to be careful of is analysing the crap out of the who, what, where’s, how’s and why’s instead of dealing with the facts. It doesn’t matter why he disappeared for weeks on end and how much do you really stand to gain from obsessing about if it’s something you did? – His behaviour is despicable and disrespectful and not acceptable. Who cares why he did it? The fact that he has is a glaring neon light of a signal that says this man is not worthy of your time.
What you need to ask yourself is what are you waiting for and why can’t you process the info? What is it that he has to do before you say, ‘enough!’?
The reason I ask this is because often people’s ‘enough’ points don’t materialise and the yardstick just keeps widening and widening to accommodate him, your excuses, and your inaction.
I know from my own experiences though that actually, it’s like prolonging the inevitable. We think something is going to happen to change things but actually, the same end result occurs, we just take a sh*tty, long winded, painful route to get there and in hindsight we realise that we have to make judgements. We have to make decisions. We have to trust our judgement, our instincts, and the evidence, and do something.
These situations can leave you feeling indecisive but we have to make a decision and that decision only needs YOU.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
{ 87 comments }
← Previous Comments
Thank you CV (and to everyone else) I like the way you put it… “i have completely divorced myself from the situation”. I have been doing so … I work with him but I maintain my distance and speak only when necessary (if even that). I certainly will not be paying it off myself and letting him go that easy either. I guess as long as he makes timely payments…….I will have to deal. Much luck with your situation as well. $30K is certainly a lot to contend with but I guess we put ourselves in this mess and are left to deal with it the best way we can. I know I have learned a lot myself from coming here and only wish I would have found this site so much sooner. Like NML says though…. you have that one “epiphany” relationship that changes you forever……..and this certainly has been the one for me! I dont ever see myself doing the things or thinking the things I did with my xEUM ever again…..lesson learned for good (I hope). We just have to continue working on ourselves to make sure we dont! And you are right…… have to put my energy into me not him… I have to just let it go! Best of luck !! ~Hugs~
T, it took me about 3 or 4 times of trying no contact on and off for about an 8 month period before I found this web-site (I just figured out “no contact” on my own, but I didn’t stick to it)… so when I finally found “Baggage Relclaim” I bought the book, downloaded the no contact rule, and I was finally off and running with a whole lot of support. Took 1 heavy try, then one accidental run-in with the guy, and finally, with my firmness towards him, and my own self-respect to never go there again, no contact has stuck. It was hard because I really thought I was in love, and wanted to believe that it could be different, but here I am, a year later, finally free of him (after over 2 years of inconsistency and ambiguity) and I feel better! (not 100 percent, but a LOT better.)
You’ll get there, and when you get there, YOU’LL NEVER WANT TO GO BACK! Unfortunately, with an EUM, it never changes, even when you wish for it. I hope you find that defining moment where “enough is enough.”
Good luck.
Lisa
Karen, I have to say that I think you are trying to hurt him back for the way he hurt you with this money situation. When I broke up with my ex-eum he owed me money. I had him paypal it to me so that I would not have to contact him directly. I had paypal send him an invoice to his email, he paid it and that was that. As someone else said, if you really wanted to be free of this man in every sense of the word you would either let him just send you a check in the mail each month or cut your loses and consider it money loss. You want him to pay you back sooner but the reality is the man is barely surviving yet he’s still currently paying you. You don’t have to be nice to him or treat him good but you do have to be realistic. You can’t get blood from a turnip. He can’t give you something he honestly doesn’t have. With 3 kids, wife and a min wage job he doesn’t have it. That’s just the reality. You knew this all when you lent him the money. The person who you are really angry with here most of all seems to be yourself. I’m not trying to be mean or nasty, but you are honestly using the money as an excuse to hang onto him, only it’s in a different way. I had one ex-eum who owed me far more than your ex does and I was so broke at the time, but because I wanted to be really let go of him and move on with my life I paid the bills off on my own. It took me a long time, but I did it and I was grateful for not having to have to deal with him in the process. Yeah you think at the time they’re getting away with something but the truth is they aren’t, you are. You’re getting away with your sanity and self-respect in tack. Stop using this money as a crutch to hang onto a man who you knew from the get go was a lying cheat. It’s easy to point blame and say oh but he lied but it keeps you from taking responsibility for your own part in this bad relationship which keeps you stuck. None of us here are perfect and have done our fare share of holding onto a dead relationship (I am hugely guilty of this crime!) but we sometimes have to tell each other the truth even if we don’t want to hear it. Just let go.
Nikki
Thank you for your advice. I dont mind the truth or anyone being straight up and blunt. I am working on letting this anger go. Not just the one I have towards myself but of the whole entire mess. The truth is there have been times I feel that other people he owes $$ to get paid first……and i guess my main question/concern was is he taking advantage because I am willing to wait. There have been other times when I feel he has the means to go and buy a new outfit (I work with him so I hear/see) but yet he claims he can’t come through on certain things or pay up sooner. This is just a matter of me continuing to feel how i did while i was in the relationship……as if i didnt matter/was last on his list. And quite frankly I was there for him thick and thin and found ways to help him. Sure I can say let me just forget it and pay off the debt myself and tell him dont worry about it…….but im sorry– maybe i have not reached that point of forgiveness yet. He is a grown man and I think that by me not making him responsible for what he owes me…..is just contributing more to A**clown behavior and allowing him to believe that it is ok to not only have been a complete liar to me in the relationship but to continue to do so afterwards as well. Like i said, perhaps im not there yet. The whole time in the relationship he did not follow through on his words and promises and I allowed that to happen. I don’t see how I can allow that to continue to happen even now that I am not with him. I did that once with my son’s father. The car got repossesed, i wound up paying all the credit cards, i got stuck with the mess while he walked away clean…….including the stuff he had bought on MY CARD (TV, clothes watches etc….) So not for anything…….. i refuse to continue to pay for “his stuff” that he charged on my card….. $25 a month is fine for now……. as long as he pays me off… I rather deal with that than deal with knowing that I am working my A** off to pay for “his” things… while he walks around not worried. Dont we allow these men to get away with enough as it is? I take my part in it all…….. but like many articles in this site state: There are were two people in the relationship so the blame can’t all be mine nor the responsibility — it took two people to cause this. Yes i should have been wiser/made better decisions, but he could have been more upfront and honest with me as well.
Karen
I would make sure I got every dime that he owed you. I really don’t think you are hanging onto this guy at all. The point it, even though he claims he is barely making it, he managed to take from you in the process. If his family needs to find out about this then so be it… but I definitely would pursue whatever means necessary (even legal) to get what is yours in this case. I guess the lesson learned is to never do it again
Thanks Mike!
Karen my point wasn’t that you were still “in love” but that you have become hell bent on punishing him for all he’s done and for those who have wrong you in this manner in the past (you mentioning your son’s father and how he screwed you over is case in point). What I was trying to say was instead of being vicious about this money situation you could still get your money back, but also allow more room for you to heal properly too. This eye for an eye attitude doesn’t help you heal and even when you get all your money back you might not be any happier after the process if you don’t find a healthy way to deal with the legitimate anger you rightly feel.
This issue isn’t about money.
The issue is about relationships being over and the women in them not accepting the reality for what it is.
Even if I was a multi-millionaire, the issue wouldn’t be about the money owed to me from an ex, the issue would be about me finding what it is that keeps me hooked to him and his dysfunction.
Love this site, this is sooooooo true. I just dumped an EUM myself. I knew he was playing games and it still took me a month to get up the nerve to say something. Mainly fear, I was afraid of his response and how he would react. He was upset that I called him out about his behavior so I backed down. After a few days I sent him an email letting him know I meant what I said and that it was ove. I also changed my number.
Queen,
Good for you!!! What’s your story with this clown?
Karen,
I agree with Mike. Did you get a promissory note? I bet that if you threaten legal action he’ll magically find the money to pay you back. Time to get this mess over with!
This happened with my last ex over 5 years ago. We were together for almost 3.5 years. Everything was great…… and then he just stopped calling. There were no arguments, no drama…… he just stopped calling. I’d call and leave messages but he wouldn’t call back. He decided to answer the phone over 2 weeks later and I asked him what was up. He said it’d be best if we broke up. No real reason….. just done. And the famous line “We’ll get back together if it’s meant to be.”
UGH. PLEASE.
I’ll admit that I wondered why and “what did I do?” and still thought about him incessantly. That was back then, and this is now….. which means hell no.
Actions speak louder than words. If the words and actions don’t match, get rid of the assclown.
Just read your experience..It’s so unbelievable, after all these years… I just had a similar one only a week ago (although my relationship only lasted 3 months): last week Tuesday everything was perfectly fine with us…no indications of any endings.. he called me that night to ask about my job interview etc, was sweet and nice..Wednesday night he called again and told about his debt problems he has been moaning about for several weeks and how he needs to get his life sorted out. I said something that night (something very futile)which he didnt like..he hang up on me..and never returned any of my phonecalls..i got a text message back last Sunday, saying ‘lets just see whats happening’ on my question if he still wanted to see me..i texted him again if he had had any feelings for me these months..and yes he had, was sorry he hurt me.. and that was the end of his communciation…Now I’m in limboland..i guess it’s a clear sign it’s over.? Soo strange isn’t? All seems to be going okay and then, Bang! from one moment till the other..gone.. welll sorry to bother you..I hope you have moved on..! So I can take that as an example! thx for reading btw… Pam
Elizabeth March 26th, 2009, 4:22 am
“He wouldn’t even have a conversation about any issues, so what made me think that he would have the guts to level with me one way or the other?”
Sounds JUST LIKE my ex mentioned in the above post. Avoidance and passive-aggressiveness were (and probably still are, haven’t spoken to him in 5 years – wow!) as normal to him as breathing.
Gaynor:
I do not have a promissory note…… just the constant reminder every month when he makes the payment that he is still a part of my life. Like I said– he does make payments on time……..its just that at $25 a month its going to be a loooong time before my mess is completely over. My whole point in posting was that was it wrong for me at times to want him to try a little harder (like get another job…burden someone else — lke his family if he has to) in order to pay me back sooner.
Elizabeth: This is about leaving the situation becuase I realized where I put myself and that I needed to opt out……..and yes ofcourse… reflecting back on myself and questioning my own issues that put me there in the first place (like we all should be doing). Not for anything…but being “too nice” and not having boundries for myself is what put me (and many others on this site) where we are now. The money is just another aspect of this whole mess that I have to contend with but certainly not as a means to keep myself invested in this man… which is the reason i wish he would pay me sooner!!! Because unfortunately to an extent— this is a tie i still have with him. And while I continue to heal emotionally—as best as I can.it is a hindrence…however, I also refuse to have him continue to take advantage by me letting the money issue go. Have I considered just taking him to court?– yes— but i struggle between knowing that he is a father of 3 who makes minimum wage (still have too much consideration for him or for another human being that is) and me just being patient and giving him the time he needs to pay me back. Yes I understand what Nikki said about dealing with the anger portion to heal properly (its only been 3-1/2 months since the break up) Im sure it will get better with time. The point again is……… Im tired of hearing sob stories from him and how if he won the lottery tomorrow he would pay me back in a heart beat and how he really wishes he could pay me back sooner (in typical… Im a good guy/A**clown behaviour) If you really hate this debt you have with me and are considerate of the fact that im a single mother and i allowed you to borrow this money in good faith– than actions speak louder than words….. Go get another job if you have to or how about you ask your new OW for a loan just like you did with me?? Or how about instead of that new coat you got at the mall— you use those $60 towards paying off your debt with me? My question was, if i was being too harsh in expecting this.
Ofcourse im upset and angry. But not because we aren’t together anymore or because he has another woman (this just confirms for me that i made the right decision and that he is indeed an A**clown)but because now my eyes are wide open and i see things for what they really are. He owes me $$, im not willing to let that part go but if the man tells me he doesnt have it……i just get angry because I cant force him to give it to me any sooner although I feel that he could be trying a little harder!!! Anyway– the truth is I have to try not to allow this part to get to me because than i am allowing him to continue to hurt me. It just surfaces whenever i see him walking around the office with a new jacket or something new for his car and yet tells me he cant pay me anymore than he does!
Thank you to all… all feedback is appreciated!!
I have to say that I agree with Nikki. To be frank, 600$ is not a lot of money in the grand scheme of your life…and, in my own opinion, the emotional turmoil you continue to inflict on your Self. Sometimes it is the price we have to pay to learn our lesson, break free of the situation, and move forward in a positive light. I feel as though you are very angry and I just want to share this paragraph with you. I will first explain that I have doing alot of Self-analysis in the past few months and have learned alot about me; how I deal with things, my strengths and my weaknesses. I have read a ton of books, including NMLs book from cover to cover (which i highly recommend if you havent ordered it yet). Anyways, here is is:
‘if we hold anger inside it tends to transform into seething injustice or resentment, and these anger mutations hurt us first then those who live around us: Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die’
I dont know if this is you – it is just how I am interpreting as I read typed words on a screen. Perhaps you should look a little deeper and see what is under that anger and frustration. I am sure you will find some deep emotional suffering under there that needs a little TLC. If you could recognize it you could become free of this suffering you are enduring and you would realize that it really is best for your Self to let this man go, debts or no debts repaid.
Karen,
I think if he had to he could get the money. What I think is appalling is that he is spending money on himself and prancing around the office showing off his new purchases.
No, You’re not pushing to hard. You need to stop being concerned about his feeling, it’s time for it to be about you!
Does he pay by check or cash? If he is paying by check it shows that it is a loan and that he has the full intention of paying off the balance.
I wouldn’t excuse $600, especially in these times. Ladies, don’t lend men money!!!!!!
I think it’s okay to be angry about it and also to accept the payments. I would not forgive the debt-he owes you and even if it does take him a long time to pay it off, then that’s okay-he should be doing at least that one honorable thing.
I can’t imagine how difficult it is for you to see him so frequently-that in itself has to be an incredible obstacle to your letting go. To also have to witness his new purchases and acquisitions must burn your hide and make you want to throttle him!
I think you’re very strong to be able to endure this in-your-face situation while hurting badly.
Karen,
I didn’t complete my thought re. the checks. You could use the proof of payments (in Small Claims) to prove that the money was a loan indicating that he owes you the money.
Karen, for $600, I’d say you got off cheap. If he mails you the check then I’d take it, but if you have to speak to him or see him to get the money, I’d forget about it. I think you are angry at yourself for lending it to him and now blaming him for not paying you fast enough…when you are really angry that he didn’t love you the way you wanted to be loved. Perhaps the new clothes he’s prancing around in are ones this new OW bought for him. I honestly think you should think about getting a new job to get away from him if that is a possiblity. Any contact with him, no matter how minimal will make the healing even more difficult
For me…I’m having difficulty just being on my own. If I think there is potential of a guy that I like liking me back, I feel good….when there’s nothing happening in that dept. I start missing the ex-EUM…the difference now is…I am able to talk myself out of contacting him and keep reminding myself how unhappy I was that I wasn’t getting a full relationship (even though we did have good times too)…I have to focus on me and why I can’t be happy on my own without a man interested in me. Why does it hurt so much? I guess I’m not feeling good enough about myself and need validation from a man…well…I’m determined to keep working on me…any advice?
finallyseeingthelight:
Thank you for your comment. I love my job and it took me many many years to find a place where I was really happy– was treated well and enjoyed what I was doing… I am not willing to leave because of a man. Again— I work on me every day and realizing the WHY’s as to why I allowed myself to put myself in such a situation. Although its hard, I have made much progress in just 3 months and do everything i can to maintain NC and to detach myself emotionally from him. Much of what has helped me is in understanding and realizing why we do these things. I have learned so much from this site and can honestly say that it only gets better. I feel however, that changing my life and leaving my job would be allowing this situation that I put myself in win me over… I choose to instead work on me and continuing to keep my distance from this man until I have completely over come it. I feel I have passed the stage where I fear i would go back to him so perhaps that helps me in moving forward.
As for your situation, I think you’re doing the right thing… “focusing on you”. You are aware that you cant/shouldnt seek validation from any man or anyone because that has to come from us not anyone else. Otherwise we are always at someone elses mercy for how we feel about ourselves. The next step for me was working on making it my new habit/form of thinking (easier said than done). It hurts because it does…and yes it sucks but if you dig a little deeper you realize that you werent in love with the person you thought he was…. but with the person or potential that you made up in your own mind. I know for me, I kept seeking validation from him (and previous men) because I had not yet completely realized it was “ME” who really needed fixing. Not to say these men are not jerks but the issue really wasnt about changing them but changing myself so that i wouldnt be attracted to them anymore and or allow such poor behavior in my relationships.
Not sure how long it has been for you since you’re break up but I know I visited this site religiously and read through the countless articles until it became second nature for me and until I understood why I was feeling the way I was. If you keep reading you will find that NML has an article/advice for almost every stage/question during this process and every single one always goes back to the same thing: ITs not about them…..its about us. We have to gain back our power and learn to never give it away again!!! Like NML says” Spend time with yourself, learn to love yourself because if we dont love ourselves….how on earth do we expect someone else to???
Stay stong!!!
Brooke, Stay strong. Just breathe, be in the present moment, the NOW, not the past or the hoped-for future. I can completely relate to believing in these relationships (even though we know it’s truthfully a dead end). I have a pretty obsessive personality, and I get very into the fantasy/illusion of guys I like (esp after sleeping with).
I had a roughly 6-month thing that was always me contacting him and him ‘allowing me’ to give him attention but half the time ignoring me even when i came over, to do random construction projects until like 2 a.m. It was bizarre, ridiculous, very incosiderate, but i was soooooooooo attracted to him (“dickmotised” as the article says) that I’d keep going back, strategizing to see him. A blessing in disguise came when his friend told me he liked this girl (rare I thought, because he is so narcissistic, and can’t bear any restrictions whatsoever that he perceives impinge on his freedom).. and that “external factor” has been enough for me to stop contacting him now, almost 2 months.
It will take time, but I am so much less anxious.
Unfortunately, I hooked up with someone a month or so ago, and he was all about texting me at first, but it has really trickled down to practically nothing. It’s just so hard to not think about the last person you were intimate with (esp. when it was really good). I know he’s “just not that into me,” but I still keep hoping he’ll want to hang out again. I don’t really know how to just not think about him, even though it was a booty call at best. I don’t get these guys that don’t want to sleep with me as often as I want them… clearly they are attracted during it.. I guess there’s just a bunch of other factors that they would never think to tell us about? One of them might be the age – he’s 22 (college), I’m 29 (finishing grad school). Guess I just need to set my standards beyond physical attraction…
Oh, the point of that last post was:
as mentioned above, when it’s never clearly defined to begin with (a “something-nothing”) how do you just let it go and accept it’s nothing if the guy never clearly ends it?
Dance,
You “accept it’s nothing” if you’re not getting anything out of the ‘relationship.’ What is there to hold on to?
I don’t understand? This guy is clearly not giving you-or anyone for that matter-what you deserve, why in the world would you want “to hang out again?” Ladies, is this how little we are setting for??
Brooke – I posted this last night in response to a comment you left on a different post yesterday but wanted to post it here just in case you hadn’t seen it -
Brooke, it is good that you are trying to understand what you are doing. You are on a very self-destructive path and unfortunately, this is mostly of your own creation. You engage in such a high level of fantasy that actually, he’s not part of the equation – he’s just the inspiration for your next set of feelings but you almost don’t need these men around because you’re too busy living in a fantasy world. People can’t reciprocate something that is based on illusion and mostly in your head because you’re not in the real world. To have a half a chance of them reciprocating, you’d need to have both of your feet very firmly in reality. You actively choose men that are not going to reciprocate because how you conduct your life is what works for you. You don’t pursue men who are likely to be interested because you’re not trying to actually have a real relationship. You can’t make a relationship work that doesn’t exist – you have to realise this. You don’t want to let go, which means you don’t want to stop fantasising and putting yourself through this. I really think that you should speak with someone and I hope that you don’t just resign yourself to continuing this pattern of behaviour. What I will say is if this pain continues, you are 100% responsible for it – don’t do that to yourself.
Hi all,
I’ve read the posts that have been written and they have given me hope to know Im not the only one with this problem of not being able to leave. He has been living with me for 6 months now and he has completey changed. He has a problem with his back which has left him practically bed bound and he cant go out at all unless im with him to help him. he takes meds for it and i have read that they can be mood changing, however, i cant believe that the whole personality change is completely due to this. he has been so intolerant with me. he ignores me for days on end for no valid reason and then always has something mean to say about me and my personality. last week he shouted at me and for the first time ever, i got so mad and i shouted back. i said that he has to stop using me as a punch bag and that i am not going to let him talk to me like that. after i said that, he packed his stuff to leave. because i actually said something. i was in tears, (pathetic, i know) i should have just let him go. anyways, he didnt end up leaving. he is still here now.. he is moving out next 2 weeks and im moving back to my mothers as i cannot afford to live where i am now.he said we r not breaking up but living apart. he has been so distant with me. he cant stand it if i ask him anything just for general convo. he said i “suck the life out of him” i “talk his ear off” (he expects me to be mute and just sit there). last week when i left the house for a bit to get my head together afte rhe packe his things..i got home and called out for my cat who normally greets me at the door. (b/f was ignoring me as usual, but text me while i was out asking me to buy him take out) couldnt find my cat, so when i asked him where my cat was, he completely flipped out at me. he said “how dare i not acknowlege him when i came through the door and call out for the cat instead” he told me he got rid of the cat and gae me no explanation why. i asked him where the cat was and he said if i ask one more time that he wont be responsible for his actions. i was heartbroken and upset and frightened. he woke me up in the middle of the night to start shouting at me and tell me to smell the carpet and wash it as the cat had peed on it (i imagine he scared him to death and thats why he wet himself, poor thing) he completely broke me down and ruined my self esteem. made me feel worthless and useless without him. he said im pathetic, that im a poor excuse for a person etc. this was at 4am!.. i havent dared ask him about my cat since as im scared.. he has been having intercourse with me but makes me face the opposite way, doesnt say anything, just sleeps with me, satisfies himself and goes to sleep. like im a toy..he text me while i was out few days ago and said “im sorry” cos he was in the middle of sleeping with me and then decided he didnt want to and turned away from me. he lost his arousal and then got angry at me and slept on the couch. all of this as i am wrting is a bad sign, i know, is competely stupid of me not to leave but i cant help but feel despair and anxiety at the thought. he has made me feel so worthless and disgusting that i am afraid.. i have lost every ounce of confidence and self esteem in myself and cannot see through the blur anymore…please help me! my hair is falling out, i have developed psoriasis on my scalp, i cant eat, i dont sleep and im losing weight so fast.. I need advice on how to get out without feeling so muc pain and confusion..im a complete wreck and im so depressed and unhappy..this man was inlove with me for over ten years from ( he was my childhood sweetheart) and now this is how he is treating me. he said if i complain abou thim to my friends or my mom that he will have something to say to each and everyone of us that would make us want to throw ourselves out the window and kill ourselves. HELP ME!!!
Miss Confused, as Amy and Brad have suggested you are in an extremely dangerous situation and the key now is to act. I am sorry to hear of the pain you are experiencing – this man is a nasty piece of work on all levels and the key is to get out of this relationship, get this man out of your house, out of your head, and out of your life. You are being abused. Here is a post I wrote a while back about signs of abuse. I am not surprised that you have lost your confidence but what little strength you have used to write this you need to direct to formulating and executing a plan to get out. There is no such thing as getting out of a relationship without feeling pain and confusion, especially an abusive one where the person has bullied you into believing negative things about yourself. Whatever he was before, he’s not that now. He has no control over who you can and can’t complain to – he’s not the invisible man where he can hear and see what you’re doing when you’re out and about. These people operate on control and secrecy. You must confide in someone you trust and you must consult with your local law enforcement and/or a shelter that deals with abuse cases, however it is your home and it’s time to put this man OUT in every sense of the word. And yes, the cat thing shows an extreme indicator of danger and I wouldn’t hang around to find out what else he has in store.
My dear, dear Miss Confused………RUN! Leave this person. NOW He sounds horribly unstable. Whether or not it is medication doesn’t change the fact that it sounds as though you are in danger. Please, please leave. Go to friends, family…a shelter….anywhere; just get far away from him. Don’t tell him where you are going. Your letter gave me chills. I was married to an abuser, I recognize this.
God bless. Stay safe.
Miss Confused,
I am sorry. I am sorry that you suffer from doubt, that you suffer from not having a safe place to come home to, that you suffer from not having a trusted and respected friend to help you see yourself clearly.
I know you are leaving a lot out of your letter. You mention “punching bag” but only admit to his verbal disrespect.
I agree with amy. You are in danger – active danger. Serious danger. I would believe this dysfunction guy might do anything. And I worry that the coming two-week deadline will make him *more* erratic, out of control. It takes a bully, a truly sick individual, to claim, “do X and I can’t be responsible for what I do.” He is already indulging himself in violence, hatred, and sexual, physical, verbal, and emotional abuse.
If you wished, you could now call a shelter – they are listed in the phone book, you can call the police, or you can look on Google for your city and “emergency shelter women” or your city and “battered women shelter”. You could call and tell them that you fear for your life – and you would not be exaggerating at all.
Before he turns you to the wall one more time, tell yourself that anyone with any honor would respect the people around them – and notice that he doesn’t respect himself or anyone.
Whatever might have been between you in the past is dead. Change happened. You don’t have a home, you don’t have security in your person or your emotions, you don’t have safety or respect in your life. Whatever the money or nostalgia or other issues making you delay *saving your life*, they cannot be easier tomorrow or in a month – if you are injured in the next hour.
You are no longer responsible for him or his welfare. The cat issue is important – many serial killers abused animals before they got around to killing people. His shouting, his disregard for your health and welfare – he has already left as a partner. All that is left is the abuse that ties you to him. You can walk out. You always could. But plan on going cold turkey, and plan on hiding from him. Because the only thing you can count on him for, now, is what he is giving you now – abuse, threats, violence, and disrespect.
Whatever hurts torment you now, I can almost surely promise – it will get worse. But in a different way – because after leaving him, it should start to get better, eventually. Stay with him and I swear it will only get worse.
Blessed be.
Brad K.’s last blog post..Back from the dead: Re-engaging with the ex
Confused,
This is frightening!! Listen to Amy and Brad and get out now!!!
Thank you all so much for your comments..
I know that he will not be physically abusive towards me as in my opinion , he is too passive aggressive for that.. But im so confused with the ups and downs of the relationship (if thats what u can call it)..its been a week or so now, and for the past few days hes been nothing but nice to me, and tells me he loves me and acts all friendly and chatty.. for th epast couple of days, hes been going out from evening till around 7am.. he just says hes going out with friends, and i dont question him.. but till 7am?! it might be nothing at all and it might be my mind playing tricks on me but i feel jealous and worried that he is seeing other women?,,, im so confused…i feel like it is the begininng of the end but im not sure how to feel or cope..ive been thinking to take anti depressants as i have been sooo miserable for about 5 months now…. i have contemplated suicide on a few occassions but i think of my family first..but i am that miserable and i feel so lost and confused…im in desperation 24 hrs a day…i contsanlty feel like i have a heavy heart and my heeart is always beating so fast it feels like im burning up…
please help me get over these feelings and do the right thing..i dont feel like anybody around me (family, friends) have been able to give me the right advice..my mom told me to come on this site and chat as she has been through a bad relationship last year…
im addicted to this man and have a massive fear of my life without him..sorry for the long post.
Confused,
Have you looked into CODA for co-dependency ?
I feel so stupid. I finally worked up the courage to cut off all contact with my ex and then he started sending little emails with requests. I didn’t respond to him and then he got upset and now today I received this email:
your not writing ok then this was this the last time you hear anything from me you will probably nether find out what happened here but you dont have to know
i hope you send me the blanket, the other stuff you can keep if you want to
but i really dont believe that you do anything
ok then I wish you luck in your life and you also don’t need to think that my feelings for you have changed
okay then goodbye
What? I mean…the reason I finally cut off all contact was because for two weeks he stopped writing or emailing me all of a sudden and I thought something happened to him. A week of no contact from him and I tried calling and he shut off his phone. I got really suspicious and finally checked his online account where he always is on and sure enough, he’d been messaging with other girls. This is all after over 2 years of being/living together, the last 5 months long distance and him saying he ‘needed’ me, I was the ‘number one’ person in his life and he wanted to have kids with me/get married.
He gave some half-ass excuses that I didn’t respond to and now this email.
And to be honest, even though I just bought the Fallback Girl/Mr. Unavailable book yesterday, I started to wonder what happened to him. What the big ‘secret’ was and was he really still in love with me?
God no. He’s in love with himself. If there was some big event, if I was so important to him he would have already explained it to me and not have cut off contact without explaination, went out with other girls, and shut off his phone when I was sick with worry and calling him.
Girls, never trust a guy who tempts you with unknown information to provoke you to ask what’s going on. If it was so important and he wanted you to know, he would say it right out…WITHOUT the games and manipulation to see what he can still get away with. Draw the line, and don’t ever let him cross it again.
@NML…
It’s as if you knew that my “issue” had moved on before I did. It was around March when he actually must have made his final decision between the new woman and myself.
No…they do not have to say a thing for it to be over. Mine didn’t even blink about leaving me hanging on false hope. I think he just didn’t think it meant anything…he is not concerned with my feelings as long as he is happy with himself and his new found love. I just wish I’d have known before all the emails and IM’s were ignored and I was left to figure it out on my own.
I feel for all women right now. It really sucks to be dumped or sitting wondering did I get dumped? I don’t know which one is worse. I can not wait until a year from now. Maybe I will be free from all of this emotional strife I am feeling now about some guy that really never gave a dam but himself. So many red flags but I chose to ignore them. Make excuses for him and let him do the “rubber band man” thing on me so much that I am suprised the rubber band didn’t break!
Bravo! Great post. Now if I can take the advise I will be much better off. I am not quite there yet. I am still hoping that he will wake up and think wow I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. He won’t and I should not care is the message….I hope reading these posts finally get’s the message in my heart as well as my head!
I so agree with you on so many levels. I met a guy online, he was hot, sexy and a total manipulator..haha..I feel for it. we talked for hours on the phone about everything everynite. THEN the meeting, it was instant chemistry, he was hot, I was hot, he met my friends, it just felt so right..then we did the nasty..hmmm, changed the whole game..he called the next day, and then two days later, we talked for maybe 5 minutes and then, that was it. Never again did I hear from him nor did I contact him because I read your blogs! haha… thanks for saving my azz… Men are funny, they sit online waiting for you to IM them, NOT happening in my world! Thanx!!
← Previous Comments