There are two big questions hovering in the comments recently that pretty much amount to the same thing:
How do I let go of the guy that didn’t reciprocate my feelings?
How do I let go of the guy that I didn’t actually have a relationship with?
In essence, how do you let go of a one-sided attraction which in your mind has created a relationship out of…your feelings?
For a start, you can’t ‘break up’ when there is nothing to break up from. The only person you have to break up with is you and your rather overactive imagination and feelings.
The issue here isn’t really about ‘him’ as he’s not really part of the equation when you’ve created an illusion rather than keeping your feet in the real world – the issue is about you and the fact that you don’t want to let go of your feelings, your obsession, your drama.
There are four key reasons why these situations come about:
You are a queen of projection. You choose men that cater to your own negative self-fulfilling prophecy and are likely to leave you ‘crushing’ on them and then you project the feelings that you think you have on them and assume that because you think you feel a certain way about them, they should feel that way about you too. You want them to notice you, to see you in the way that you see them, and you conduct the great majority of this stuff in your head without communicating it to them and then wonder why they haven’t reciprocated your feelings.
You think that your feelings are big enough for the two of you. You lose all sense of proportion and become so consumed in how you feel that you want him to be swept up in all the love you have to give and that one day he’ll catch up to how you feel and return it. Trust me, they don’t.
You don’t actually want to be in a relationship. You’re living in a dream world and afraid of being rejected in the real world. In choosing men who are aloof and unlikely to be interested in you, you get to avoid having to be hurt in a way that you’re trying to avoid. Instead, you build sandcastles in the sky in your head and then feel rejected by your own daydreams because the reality is that you need some sort of inspiration for these illusions and he is not a part of your life. You’re very emotionally unavailable.
You don’t want to let go. As many of us have discovered, even if it’s the most toxic thing to continue feeling as we do or being involved with someone, we continue, not only because it’s a bit like ‘I’ve started so I’ll finish’ but also because even when there is nothing or it’s crap, we don’t want to let go. We don’t want to get real with ourselves in case we find that we have something difficult or painful to look at, we don’t want to admit that we’re often creators of our own pain, and we certainly don’t want to admit that we’re letting go of something that didn’t exist, and if it did, it was for the most part in our heads.
Remember, it’s a bit difficult to make someone accountable for something that is a grand illusion in your head when you could have been making them accountable for real behaviours. Likewise, you can’t wonder why someone isn’t being and feeling what you want them to be when they’re not part of the relationship in your head.
These men end up acting as ‘inspiration’ for our latest round of feelings and it’s like they put some input in at the beginning and then we just take it from there, refusing to acknowledge whether they are even there or not and if they are behaving in line with what’s in our heads and if not, why not.
Quite frankly, any misery you are feeling is for the most part, your own creation because you are not interested in keeping your feet in reality and have been too busy wallowing in your own world. In doing this, you’re not seeing signs that you need to get real, and you’re not hearing signs that you need to get real. In fact, the person may have no clue that you are even interested in them, or if they do, they may have told you that they’re not interested and you switched to unreciprocated feelings mode and hovered there expecting him to see you in the way that you want to be seen and magically catch up with your feelings.
It doesn’t matter what they feel – you’re only interested in the fact that you feel what you feel and you want them to feel that too.
The thing is, from the moment that you recognise that you 1) are not having your feelings reciprocated and/or 2) that you’re not in a relationship with them, major warning signals should be going to your brain that there is something seriously wrong if you are still trying to get them to reciprocate and obsessing about them over an extended period of time.
It’s one thing to have a crush and it’s the other to crush the crap out of yourself in a self-destructive pursuit of pain and then blame it on someone else.
If you have made the choice to continue loving and chasing him with much of it taking place from your head as you wait for crumbs or nothing at all, you’re on a serious avoidance mission because it’s like you want to hide away on these self-created feelings of rejection rather than get out there in the real world and risk yourself in a real relationship.
Whilst I recognise that in some instances, we can be misled by a guy to believe that he feels more than he does, I tend to find that women who are in this situation are invariably in it because they decided that they were crazy about someone and don’t want to let that, and the fantasy go.
You’ve decided that you want him, love him, and to hell with it, you’ll find a way to show him that he should notice and love you too. You’re gonna ride this imaginary donkey of love till it collapses.
We’re back at the juncture again where we think that deciding that we love or feel something about someone creates an automatic IOU.
We’re also back at that juncture where we’re loving without any foundation for loving and then refusing to opt out because we don’t want to let go of the fantasy or the illusion and get real…and deal with our problems.
And trust me, if you’re doing this, you have some big issues to deal with because you’re engaging in incredibly self-destructive behaviour and repeatedly creating a rejection situation for yourself and then wondering why you’re in pain – because you did it, not him!
In all honesty, the only way that these situations end is when YOU end ‘it’. You don’t need to say anything because to be honest, I think some of these men would be a touch confused if you told them that something was over that they didn’t think had started.
Stop calling, stop chasing, stop texting, stop seeing a bread loaf when there is barely a crumb.
Stop waiting, stop hoping, stop projecting, stop the madness.
Stop creating drama and then wondering why you are miserable – as it’s all one sided, you are the master orchestrator of your own soap opera.
Commit to being in the real world. Take things at face value so when he doesn’t call, it’s because he doesn’t want to speak with you, not because he’s waiting for you to make a move. When you don’t hear from him for months, it’s not because you did something wrong that you need to figure out – it’s because you are not in a relationship and whilst you are daydreaming the crap out of your life, he is out there living his.
Yes that’s right living and if you spend your energy wanting men that don’t want you and then obsessing about why they don’t want you, your life will be at one mega grandstill.
If you point blank cannot accept that 1) it’s for the most part in your head, 2) if he doesn’t want you then it’s time to start learning to stop wanting him, 3) you’re creating your own drama and pain, then you must at least accept that you are 100% responsible for where you are now and that you don’t get to let yourself off the hook and blame him.
And then go and talk to someone because spending your life and brain time escaping from the real world whilst hurting yourself and not wanting that to change says that it’s time you spoke to someone and got to the heart of your issues.
But if you are at that point where you want to and can do something about this, don’t try to make things anymore complicated than they are because when you let go of something that doesn’t and didn’t exist, you have that power and are in the driving seat of what happens to you. Don’t make out like he has to do something to end this – you have to do something and cold turkey it out so that you can gain some real perspective and get to the heart of why you are engaging in this self-destructive behaviour so that you don’t go back.
Your thoughts?
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Dear friends,
The last two weeks have been miserable for me.I have been going through a lot of anxiety and depression because of my EUM.Frankly I did not know that associating oneself with such men could drain you of your sanity.That’s what has happened to me now.My self esteem is at its lowest ebb,and I seem to have become a nervous wreck now.I do not think I can date anybody in the near future,I have become that apprehensive now.I seem to hate myself now because I let myself get involved with this man knowing from the beginning that he would never be able to give me anything,as in love,affection or attention.Frankly I am not angry with my EUM anymore.I think I need to forgive myself now…
Brooke,
There was no relationship between the two of you, right? Isn’t this the situation where you saw the guy a couple of times within a 2-year period? I don’t think that it was anything more than a platonic relationship (from your explanation), therefore he cannot be considered an EUM.
Please talk to someone professionally about these types of relationships.
I agree with Gaynor and looking back I am glad that I did not send him a good-bye. My friend wanted me to tell him it is over and I asked her:
I am suppose to tell a man, that disappears on me, it is over? The little self esteem and pride that I had left at that time didn’t allow me to do that and this great site and NML’s advice at the time. I had already cut the contact back then, but didn’t realize I did “No Contact” or what it really meant.
Guys that disrespect us don’t deserve respect from us or a good bye letter, the letter tells him that you still care about him and the door is still open for him.
What would his answer have been? Are you Ladies really expecting an answer back from these guys?
I have to agree with Astelle and Gaynor on this one. People who are disrespectful to you do not deserve your respect. Men who do not do what they say they are going to do, who disappear at days on end, makes you feel like sh*t, and keeps you and your emotions on a yo-yo is DISRESPECTING you and will not change…so you need to leave them alone. Period. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, saying good bye one last time, is a waste of your time b/c they really don’t care about how you feel…you think you’re being “decent” and “nice” and they think you are a woman who will do anything and take anything from them. Stop it. I’ve been there and it’s a hurtful place, but if you want happiness in your life and you want to love yourself or even like yourself, you have to see reality and realize that these are not relationships. You have to work on you.
lisa and gaynor,
you both really buoyed my sense of resolve over the weekend. thank you so much for it. i had a busy weekend (and feel so thankful for my life being as busy as it is all the time), which also helped. did not reply to a Saturday evening text. and as has happened prior, the slightest indication of unavailability/conditional interaction resulted in being bombed with communication. three more texts, three phone calls (unanswered) on Sunday. i had a Sunday evening meeting with another coworker at my home. EUM originally could not attend, i made the venue my house, then suddenly, at the last minute, he could attend. after the meeting I decided to walk my other coworker home to get out of the house (and get EUM out of my house) and clear my head. EUM followed me and our coworker for 3/4 of our walk …even though he was late for another obligation and ordinarily if it had just been me, he would have bolted. he also left a sweater at my house that I noticed this morning.
now he has tried calling me twice today and sent an email. must…fight…to…live. (i am chuckling, but also just shaking my head at his blatant insanity).
the working together part is gonna be challenging.
Bryan,
Good for you!!!!
Is there any real reason (work) for him to be contacting you outside of work? I would threaten to go to a superior if this harassment doesn’t stop.
gaynor,
my work situation/the nature of my profession is complex to say the least. it is a creative field so boundaries are not rigid.
rather than involve a superior (if there was actually one to involve) i may need to definitively say “I need space.” I have been avoiding saying it directly and making it personal, because being direct with him backfires, gives him attention and makes me feel vulnerable. but maybe there are other ways to consider this scenario. open to ideas.
I find detaching from the cycle due to a “very busy schedule and taking me time” has been more effective and empowering versus explaining my every move. making it a function of me not him has felt better in the past.
we just had a business trip so that interrupted my flow and resolve. did not have the home court advantage!
I may just observe the contact in the next two days and see if it ebbs or flows then reevaluate.
Maybe not completely on topic but I would like to comment on the “last goodbye” discussion.
I also wrote a goodbye email to my EUM before cutting contact completely (blocked everything). I too thanked him. Not for his behaviour but for the lesson. I am by nature not a resentful person and because of his assclown behaviour I will be better relationship material in the future. It gave me closure to do it this way. I tried cutting contact without this final goodbye but I constantly had the nagging feeling things were left unfinished.
It´s like saying goodbye to a deceased pet. Of course the pet doesn´t care and maybe it wasn´t all that cuddly after all but you say goodbye for yourself (if you need it).
Astelle,
You are totally right, they do not deserve our “goodbye” letters, what for??? No contact is the best! Lets them wonder what had happened and why we became distant…
As NML says in this post: “Commit to being in the real world”, I am not going to wonder anymore and “feed” my wild imagination!!! Its over for me, this is the most important and I dont give a damn what he thinks…
I don´t think there is a right or wrong here. As long as you look after yourself by cutting contact it´s your own choice what the last contact before NC will be like. Whatever works for you.
If you still think in terms of what he does or does not “deserve” you are still involved. It´s what you deserve. And I deserved and gave myself a goodbye.
Truth,
Not at all. It’s just about cutting contact completely. My opinion.
Gaynor, there is always a last contact before cutting contact completely. Some just prefer that last contact to be on their terms and to have a clear starting point for no contact with no loose ends. It was very benificial for me at least. But each to his own.
I know but don’t you think they know? I’m certain most of us have spoken to these guys on numerous occasions re. the issues, do you think there is any real doubt why the connection is being cut? Like Astelle said, she wanted to hold on to the little amount of self-respect she had left.
I wish I had just cut contact w./o giving him the courtesy of an explanation but I can’t change the past
Hi people,I didnt go NC with my ex.After all that happened and how he treated me I decided that I dont want him as a bf anymore but I decided to keep contact with him as friends,like a email every 2 weeks.What you think about that?
I tried many times to just cut contact without saying anything, but always in the back of my mind was the thought I can contact him if I want to or he can contact me if he wants.. and the anxiety I had over this was worth me fronting up to him and saying to his face I don’t want anymore contact I didn’t give a long speech just said its over.. I admit after doing this I was euphoric because I had done something that would benefit me.. Now I also admit to some weaknesses but I have had no direct contact with him for just over two months and sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the fact I said the words it is finished no more contact and I don’t want to be weak by engaging with him anymore .. I also recently repeat to myself that he doesn’t call you because he doesn’t want to speak to you he is not waiting for you to make the first move.. because that had become my thinking he was waiting for me to be weak so he could go right back to playing his games..
So no matter how we do it as long as the end result is we no longer have contact and start to look forward and move forward..
Anusha he is probably very happy with that level of contact from you he doesn’t have to put any effort into the “friendship” and he gets his ego stroked by you still engaging with him after his treatment of you..
With respect to my xEUM, I cut all contact with him once we broke up at the beginning of Jan and then on VALENTINES day he emailed me to say ‘happy valentines day’…(!!!) and then started writing me emails…so i wrote him an email back one day ( and this was after after worked on myself 100% of my free time and seeing a psychologist, and so I knew alot more about me, him and him/me together) and i just told him that I need space from him and i also told him what i hope his next relationship brings him. I also told him how I hope this because I want nothing but good things for him in his life. No doubt, he has issues (actually, major issues),,,,but he is not a bad person and i really do hope that he finds himself and can give someone what he was never able to give to me (of course i know that this was also my fault…). And, I havent heard from him since. so that did the trick!
Anusha,
To really gain perspective on your relationship with him, to understand why you choose these men, to work on yourself and to cultivate better relationships, especially with you, you need to cut ALL contact.
If you want to be friends with him…then be friends…but like 1 year from now. I have had NC with my ex and although initially i wanted to be friends with him…i forced myself to have no contact and now, honestly, i never want to speak to him again.
What was hard for me, and is hard for me is the fact that even though I have followed the rules of no contact, I have worked on me/my issues, and truly am seeking happiness – the fact remains that my heart was broken.
Time is supposed to be the cure all. Empowerment is supposed to help, but when I run into him, my physical reaction tells me that even after six months of no contact – I am still engaged on some level. Even though no more than a hello has taken place – my heart still aches. It aches less than it did six months ago, but it still aches.
I want those answers that I know will never come. His not being an emotionally healthy human being, and me recognizing that fact, has not sped up my healing process one little bit.
Any advice?
Elizabeth,
First of all, you will heal. I hope someone as something more comforting to say than I do…. but maybe you can relate to this, Well, I’m sort of a trusting person. My ex-husband uses the word “gullible,” but I just think I like to believe the best in a person. So, when you put your entire trust in someone, and you believe that maybe they were “the one” and then they end up treating you disprespectfully, or stepping all over the “relationship” if there even was a relationship and stepping all over you, and if you’re a sensitive person (like I tend to be), it takes a long time to get over that! Some people I know have a less-sensitive personality, and when someone treats them like crap, they can shrug their shoulders and move on. I tend to hurt a little longer than average (and I’m working on that wimpy part of myself).
Have you let yourself get angry yet? I find that I was raised to not get angry, but if I let myself get angry when someone hurts me, then I can work on the next stage of healing.
It took me 4 solid years of being divorced to start to feel normal again, and still many years after that, there are pangs because I couldn’t stay with it and make it my “happily ever after.” I might always feel a little of that, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was EU and not able to have a real relationship. He still is that way. Sometimes I try to look deep into his eyes, and N-0-T-H-I-N-G is there in his heart towards me except for unhealthy things. Nothing warm at all, and it still hurts, but then we just exchange kids or money or parenting tips or whatever, and he leaves or I leave and life goes on.
I’m rambling. You hit a nerve, and I know how you feel, honey! You will get better!
I also ran into the ex MM today! I haven’t seen him in at least 7 weeks, (and neither time was by my choice), and I am working on over 3 months of NC on my part. (took me a bunch of tries to get to complete NC!) He was coming out of a little mexican restaurant by my house where I sometimes get food, and he and I had been there a few times. HE LIVES OVER 1/2 HOUR AWAY, and had no reason to be in that neighborhood, (but the food is good), and my natural impulse was to be nice, and I almost hugged him! Ew. Anyway, I backed off, and said “wow, it is weird running into you here” and then I said “I gotta go.” And that was it. Over. Yes, he still looked good, yes I wanted to be nice (my nature) and yes, he is still married for all I know, and I still have him all blocked on phone and e-mail, so it is all good, and he can’t write me some e-mail about how pretty I looked or how much he misses me.
It wasn’t fun, it was totally unexpected, and I’m glad it was brief, and that I had all the tools from this site to help me get over my long history “being nice” to him.
Elizabeth, I got counseling through my church. It really, really helped to talk to someone who was trained to help me get over this.
Kissie, “people who are disrespectful do not deserve your respect”, I do not agree with this.
I think that people who are disrespectful do not deserve my love and attention but everyone deserve respect and not for them but so I can look at myself in the mirror and think that I have behaved in a dignified and ladylike manner, I can look back and I’m not ashamed of what I see.
Saying goodbye is for me not for them. I don’t feel that I’m giving him attention or anything. If he disappeared or didn’t treat me right, he’s the one who should be ashamed of himself not me.
And I don’t want to shape my behaviour on his. I feel that it’s correct at the end of a relationship (and in my case there was a long committed relationship) to say “it’s over”. The fact that he didn’t behave in a correct manner is beside the point. I need to be correct and respectful because I have standards of behaviour regardless of who’s in front of me.
Otherwise we will keep shaping our behaviour and our standards on their (lack of) manners. I don’t want to do that. If he’s disrespectful and rude, does that mean that I’m entitled to be disrespectful and rude? No, not for me. If he cheats, does that mean that I’m entitled to cheat? No, at least not according to my standards and values.
More than once values and standards have been mentioned. I want to hold myself to some values and standards. and if I expect other people to do the same I should at least starting behaving accordingly.
That’s my personal opinion.
Nildonner,
I’m all about respect. I just do not understand putting another ounce of energy into someone who has thought so little of me (lying, rejecting and using) . I don’t have any more time for people like this!!!
NML, please give your thoughts.
Nilondoner, well said and I agree.
Elizabeth, I know that a day is going to come (and it will likely be when you are in a wonderful relationship) when you’re going to say, “good Lord–thank God it didn’t last between me and that UEM! If it had, I never would have found my current happiness.”
Nildonner,
I respect your opinion and your right to it. As I said in my earlier post, men who are rude, treat me poorly and are disrespectful to me do not deserve my time, attention or respect. That does not mean I am being un-ladylike or rude or that I have devalued myself. I have chosen to leave him alone…for good. Indeed, I devalue myself by being with these men and believing that if I am nice to them and “decent” and take the high road to the very end they’ll see me as a worthy and decent person and be sorry they treated me badly and realize they should really be with me. They won’t. That is my opinion. Once I have decided that this man has treated me horribly for the last time, has disrespected me for the last time, he deserves nothing from me. Haven’t we given them enough time, enough chances, enough opportunity to see how wonderful we are, haven’t we bent over backwards enough times for them to see our worth, but do they? NO, they don’t. One last good bye to them is not going to change who they essentially are. There is no right or wrong, for every situation is different. At least for me and me only, I agree with NML, no contact is no contact. No last goodbye note or text or whatever (I personally think it’s drama seeking, but that is MY OPINION solely, everyone must do what they think is best for them in their situation). No one last explanation or discussion as to why I am saying goodbye, no one last time for anything…it’s over, I’m done. I don’t have to say it. I just have to do it. By doing so I am valuing myself. I am respecting my boundaries and refusing to allow an A**clown to further abuse me. We all know when it’s time to say goodbye, that’s easy, it’s harder to stay gone and keep NC. When you do that you value yourself far more than proving to yourself how nice a person you are b/c you said good bye to some a**clown who didn’t deserve you from the very beginning.
With regards to “saying goodbye” or sending the “goodbye letter”…. I believe this site is about empowering women (and men) and while I am to blame as well for thinking about sending that goodbye letter…… it is really just another way of saying: “I am still invested in you”. Why? Because as I understand it, if we all had better self esteem we wouldnt need to be saying good bye to a person that barely even came close to giving us what we knew deep down we deserved. We would be like.. “huh?…. whatever– see you later! Dont have time for this” and be on our merry way. Not one more ounce of thought or energy would be expended on this person… because we would think so much more of ourselves that we would know its not worth it and wouldnt even look back to see if the door hit them in the a** when you closed it… because we wouldnt care!!! Say thank you to yourself for having the guts and the will power to let go of such relationships.. in fact, treat yourself to something nice and give yourself a pat on the back not HIM! Shiiiiiiit… i know its been hell for me to get over this person– why the heck am i giving him credit for ME having the balls to get out and realizing what an A** he has been?? Its time to think about ME because all we tend to do is think about THEM!!! To be honest, I dont think that when that goodbye letter even gets into their hands…..they even care. So the point is…….. if they dont care……. what is the difference between writing the letter and throwing it in the garbage? Sending them the letter, they open it……and then they hit “delete”…… didnt need to know all of this…..dont care…….why am I even getting this? Because we say that its for “us” right…..not for them?…. than if that is really true……why not write the letter and burn it or trash it or whatever? Its still for “us” isnt it??? Lets think about how honest we are really being with ourselves. Why does he need to get this letter– why do we need to say goodbye?? The point is that we are still giving away our power…..when what we need to learn is how to give that power back to ourselves especially after having made the error in allowing them to have so much of it. Someone who feels empowered on their own does not see the necessity for this… which is the reason WHY we shouldnt do it…. because we still need to work on that part of ourselves and the main reason why we visit this site (or no??) We are here to change the patterns that we constantly revert to and decide to do something different instead arent we?– in hopes that we get a different result/outcome?. I know for myself, i need to become a little tougher because I tend to be soo “nice”, I need to do something different even if it feels foreign at first because obviously my way has not gotten me very far in relationships. What is empowering about feeling like we “NEED” to have the last word or say goodbye? The fact that we still feel we “NEED” anything having to do with xEUM says we are still seeking validation (in a passive way) from this person. The stronger (and yes harder) route is to let it go and not waste our time anymore and work on making ourselves better…. that is when the true lesson is learned. The point is always about taking the focus off of them and putting it back on us!! Having values and standards for yourself is good but once again– that does not have to involve your xEUM in the equation. Have the value and the standard that you dont put up with CRUMBS and CRAP………and that you dont need to say goodbye in order to have closure. That sends a bigger message to these men because ACTIONS speak louder than words. ACT like you already said goodbye and your loooooong gone and walk right past them with your head held up high.. isnt that more empowering? I’m with you on this one Gaynor.
I found this post that NML wrote: I thought maybe everyone should check it out…
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/seeking-validation-understanding-in-your-poor-relationships-part-two/
Kissie, I just read your post…. Right on!!!
Karen and Kissie,
Great points!!!!
Well, it would be nice if NML gave us her insights on this goodbye stuff.
I really agree with Nildonner. The last time I saw my EUM we were all happy kissing goodbye, next thing he stood me up and didn´t contact me again. I tried calling him, he didn´t answer and I cut contact. Talking about leaving things out in the open.
Later he started texting and mailing me blowing hot. Someone had to close the door. I wrote him an email stating that I have moved on, am happier without him in my life and I do not want to see him again. I thanked him for the lesson and wished him well. I left no room for interpretation and blocked his email and number after clicking the send button.
I don´t feel I gave my power away or invest in him. I had no intention to change his mind or convince him of anything, I was way past that point. I took my power and closed the door. It would have taken me a lot more energy to leave things unfinished. And robbing myself of closure and my values just because he doesn´t deserve anything seems senseless to me. I am not interested in what he does or does not deserve. I deserved this.
Hi, I am covering some of Natalie’s workload. Please read this post as she is now on maternity leave as she is literally due to have her baby any day. I will advise her of what is taking place on these comments and if she can respond, she will but please take note of the commenting policy and her wish to get some time off. Thanks Nicki
To Truthhurts,
I see your point. I do. But my point is when you and he were all “happy kissing goodbye” and then he stood you up (which was disrespectful of you and your time) that’s when he showed you that he was no longer interested in you, that you were not important enough for him to show up for. He closed the door. When he did not contact you, he showed you he was no longer interested in you and it was also disrespectful. You are a person, are you not? Why couldn’t he have at least have the common curtesy to say “see ya later”, “bye-bye”, “be gone”, whatever, but he didn’t. He left you by yourself wondering what the hell happened. That’s rude and disrespectful. When you called him and tried to get in contact with him and he consistently ignored you, that was him showing you he was NO LONGER INTERESTED IN YOU, that you were not that important to call back, that your feelings, your needs are not important, indeed that you are not important and that is rude and disrespectful. Then you decided enough is enough and you cut contact. Good for you. Then what did he do… he started blowing hot and cold, tried to get in contact with you…but on his terms, b/c with these men they call the shots, they let you know when they want you or not. Why didn’t you just not respond to his texts or calls or whatever? Why did you feel the need to send him anything? Why did you think you were the one who had to close the door, when he already closed the door way back when he stood you up? You handled your situation the best way for you and as long as he’s out of your life and can no longer hurt you then I am very Happy for you. But as far as I am concerned, he wouldn’t have even gotten so much as a glance after he stood me up. I would have cut him loose then, but that’s me. I am very valuable to me even if some of these men don’t seem to think so. My time is very valuable to me, so a man standing me up and then ignoring me is an absolute affront to me a woman and a person. But this is what works for me and we all have to find what works best for us and if saying good bye worked for you then that’s all that matters.
To Gaynor and Karen, Thanks. I enjoyed your post too, Karen.
Thinking about this the non-existent relationships..I do this all the time. For years I have invested in relationships that only exist in my head – usually with someone unattainable. Never have I openly confessed to my feelings. In my mind, attention given by the male is question is blown up into a full blown fantasy. He may have even asked me out in reality. After a while the good feelings then change to rejection and misery as I realise he is not going to come through for me ( however as I said he usually doesn’t know how I feel)…
It seems to me that I will do anything I can to avoid having a real relationship – choosing EUM’s for fantasy relationships is a big clue!
I am professional, attractive and popular but totally screwed up to the point where I feel there is no hope for me. I was abandoned as a child by both my parents and brought up in an abusive environment. Even though most aspects of my life are sorted, I have given up on having a relationship after a number of harmful ones and the realisation of how I am actually creating the situations myself by my own EU issues. My childhood has resulted in my knowing that I am actually unloveable ( again living out my own self-fulfilling prophecy). So I won’t now risk a real relationship as I know that the person in question cannot possibly love me. I have tried therapy over the years but all I have is greater awareness rather than healing.
What I will say is that this site has been a godsend in helping me break free of bad relationships and realising that I am not alone in this. Keep up the good work. Now I just need to stop the fantasy ones!
x
Interesting comments, I didn’t realise that my post would draw so many opinions!
I liked Nildoner and Trust’s comments, I do agree that we should be kind and loving – or at least respectful – to other people in our lives. I think, we receive what we put out into the universe and if we are harsh and unkind then we tend to receive that back. If we are gentle and kind, then that too will come back to us. Anyway, that has been my experience in life so far.
I try and take responsibility for my actions and involvements and if I am in a relationship that has ended I am allowed to say goodbye in a respectful and honorable way. I do this for myself and to respect the grace inherent in the relationship. I am not perfect and I don’t feel I can judge another person without myself also being judged.
We all affect each other and I think we can be thankful and respectful for the things we learn from each other. I think it it really does make it easier to move on when we set our own closure. We really do take back control of our own lives and I find it easier to move on, free from any hidden ties.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter. We are all allowed to have our own opinions here.
Sarah,
How is not responding to someone who has mistreated us repeatedly unkind? We should be loving to someone who has dumped on us time and time again? C’mon! I too believe in being loving in kind but only to those that treat me in the same manner. You said “we receive what we put into the universe,” if this is the case then why did we end up with these types of men? Curious?
Gaynor: You are correct; respect is earned. Assclowns do not deserve our respect, but me acting in a disrespectful manner – and that is different than cutting contact and moving on with my life – only makes me disrespectful. And, what good comes from that?
There is also the whole, “opposites attract” theory. While there has been much on the blog that because we get involved with EUMs, that we too, must be EU; I don’t necessarily agree with that.
I think that is the “draw” and the “pull” of the EUM to the EAW. There is an entire pathology at work in the EUM. But, the EAW assumes that the EUM has the same level of emotional integrity she does, and that is not the case. Of course, by then, the heart is involved.
I know that I won’t go back; I know that I will not ever put up with that type of behavior again, but it still doesn’t accelerate the healing of my heart. I am an emotionally available person, otherwise, I would be able to move on in a much faster manner. If I could just walk away, it would mean that I had no connection. Right? I know that there is no longer a relationship, I know that he opted out, but was too much of a “chickenshit” to be truthful and up front about it . . .
I get that. I want him out of my heart and I want him out of my head. I don’t think that I will ever fully recover from the trauma of being involved with this man. That doesn’t mean that I won’t move forward, that doesn’t mean that I won’t try to love again, but it does mean that I have forever been “colored” by the experience.
No, it makes no sense. How do they slip past our radar? But, they do.
I know that I am emotionally available, and that is why the rebuilding of the heart is so hard. Yes, I finally got that he was EU, yes, I finally got that his indecision was his decision, and yes, I stopped trying to “understand” what two and half years of my life was about – the length of my relationship with him. Truly, I don’t want to hold on to the hurt, I don’t want to hold on to the memories. I want him out of my heart and I want him out of my head.
I was never in a “non existing relationship” and I don’t know what it feels like, or with someone who treated me so bad that I wished they never existed so my comments referred exclusively to the end of my long committed relationships gone wrong. Everyone has got a right to their opinion and there’s obviously no right or wrong and I will continue to do what is right for me without judging other women’s actions. But i’d like to me a couple of comments:
when a man pulls disappearing acts not answering phone call etc without even say “I don’t want to be with you” we scream bloody murder, he’s an assclowns and emotionally unavailable and he’s a poor excuse for a human being; but when we do the same somehow we are just defending ourselves. We behave like them but we’ve got reason!?! It’s like when you are in the car and scream and swear at other drivers for being rude but you are justified because they provoked you. I know, lots of people will say “oh but it’s different, he gave me reason” and I reply “Is it really different?”
the second comment is: I wonder how much of not wanting to say goodbye and say it out loud is because somehow women want to have a gangway in case he comes back one more time. Maybe it’s so they can leave a door adjar.
Men are proud creatures with a big ego and it’s harder to go back to a woman who said “I do not want to have anything to do with you anymore” than to go back to a woman who’s not answering the phone and “it looks like she’s just sulking and maybe if I try hard enough she will give me an ego stroke”.
I’m playing devil’s advocate and I’m not saying that this is the case with anyone on this site but that’s what it would mean for me if I just disappeared.
At the end of the day I have to do what will allow me to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say to myself that I behave according to my principles and values.
We have been reading posts about EUM and EUW subconsciously attract or seek each other…or bad patterns of behavior. Most of us are finding that we are EUW (through reading these posts) and are working on our own issues. We are not bad people…we are just not good at healthy relastionships. Give the ‘other guy’ the same courtesty who is probably not aware of his emotional unavailability (as most of us were not until we started reading these posts!) I understand the No Contact philosophy however, say a goodbye and stick to no contact after properly ending the so called relastionship. Say it and move on. It is damaging to have someone, ANYONE disappear on you. The first big step of empowerment is taking control…making a decision to end it…ending it properly and moving forward. And…by not handling an ending properly…aren’t you NOT COMMITTING TO AN ENDING???
At Nilondonor and Kimba, leaving the door adjar and not committing to an ending (nicely put!) is exactly the way I felt before I wrote my goodbye. By just dissapearing you always leave an opening. Isn´t that exactly the reason why a lot of assclowns just dissapear instead of making a clean break? Because that way they can always come back?
It´s almost impossible for myself or an EUM with a shred of selfrespect (which I admit they seldom display) to go back when you have shut the door tight by saying without a doubt or hostility “I don´t want you anymore”. Even if you have to lie when you write it (as I did..)
Truthhurts,
I, too, lied when I wrote “I don’t want you anymore” to the married guy. But I really needed him to leave me alone, and when I didn’t give him closure, he kept coming back. After I wrote it and started sticking to “no contact” I realized that “hey, maybe I really don’t want him anymore.”
It was an unhealthy relationship, and writing “I don’t want you anymore” helped me close the door
truthhurts: I agree; assclowns come back, because they think that the option of a relationship with you is still there.
Nilondonor: True, that. I was never in a non-existent relationship either. There was a relationship, and there was a connection, but in the case of my EUM, it turns out he really can’t commit to anything. Yes, he is employed, yes, he does his job, but there is this “hamster on a wheel” type of personality that he has. He just goes through the day, and goes through the motions. Reacting rather than being proactive. And repeats the next day – same thing. Like in the movie, Groundhog Day.
Still, at the end of the day, he makes a choice to not decide to do certain things that would be a no brainer to me. And that inertia activated my indecision, which ultimately turned out not to be good for me.
I think that each of us is different in how we handle the grief of being left when there ended up being an end to the relationship or no relationship to begin with. For me, it is one of the most painful things I have had to go through. Being the one who had to say, “Stop,” when stopping wasn’t what I wanted was outright torture.
Being off the daily roller coaster ride: he would call, but not when he said he would; he would make the date, but he was always late; he would show up, but then have to leave early because he didn’t feel well, he had something to do for his daughter, or he would be on the phone with his daughter . . . always something. Getting off of that ride was great, and I don’t miss that, but I miss his kisses and our conversation.
The lack of resolution, despite the closure, is painful. I’m on a different variety of roller coaster. Someone has referred to these men as dangerous. I chuckled when I first heard that, but I now whole heartedly agree: This was dangerous. I took a hard hit, and it will be a very long time before I heal. That’s my reality, and it sucks. I have no desire to be with anyone.
Nildonner,
I agree! If you’re involved with someone and decide you no longer wish to continue the relationship and you end this relationship w/o explanation is very hurtful. But, if someone has been mistreating (haven’t heard from him in a week, doesn’t show up for a date, cheats, etc…) you over a prolonged period of time (numerous conversations have been discussed on the issue) I do not believe they deserve the courtesy.
One more thing.
I have heard many stories on this site from women who have repeatedly told these men not to contact them (including myself), and they have disrespected these women to the point of harassment. Doesn’t sound like the ego was too effected.
Kat:
I feel you’re story and can relate. I just wanted to say that I felt the same way after leaving my EUM. Hurt, angry, confused, but mainly hurt and angry. So much that I swore off men for awhile myself… thinking well if I am so dysfunctional… I dont have a chance out there in the “healthy relationship world” until I am 100% cured and healthy myself. But then I realized that like anything else in life… you have to be willing to put yourself out there again with your new found knowledge and awareness. The first couple of times, you may stumble but not as much as before…you may still encounter an EUM and or some form of rejection… but the point is that you are exercising and putting to use what you have learned. You are now more aware, more cautious… yes perhaps not “cured” of your self esteem and or unlovability to yourself (those are scars that need a lot of time and TLC to heal from not sure if “CURED” is even possible) but still consider the possibility of going out there and taking a chance. Proceed with caution– but do so with the correct tools now.. with the correct idea of what a healthy relationship should look and feel like…and then stick to it and dont allow anything less to come into your life. Yes it can be scary and hard— but i know I like to use what I have learned and see if it works for me.
The other day I went out on a date. The guy was extremely good looking, charming etc…. Of course I wanted to see him again. The minute the date ended I began to imagine what it would be like to have something more with this person and then I said HOLD ON! PUT ON THE BRAKES~!!!! Dont start to form castles in the sky.. that is your pattern. And so I took a deep breath and said…. you know what… it was a good date..nice guy— but lets see what else he’s got. Let me not start thinking that he is this GREAT person… off of just ONE good encounter. It was evident to me that obviously my “issue” is still there and that i have yet much work to do… but now that I am aware of what it is…… I can use it and exercise my new awareness and put into action. I don’t know if there will be a second date or if that was all…….but I was grateful for having the experience and knowing that my pattern or tendency to want to create a fantasy too soon is still there. I check myself and proceed with caution— but I dont stop myself completely just because I am not 100% there yet. With time, I know I will get better at it and perhaps even say I no longer do it (that is my goal) but in the meantime, live in the moment (dysfunctional or not) and enjoy the process along the way as well…. eventually change will occurr…and who knows we may one day wake up to find ourselves in a “healthy and loving relationship” if not with another person, than just with ourselves!
GOOD LUCK!
Karen,
Loved your post. I too have the same tendency to make castles in the sky upon meeting a new guy. I too swore of men for a while before I realized that I had to go back out there and try, but with clearer eyes and sharper wits…and it’s really scary. Just recently I met a guy who showered me with compliments. A few years ago I would have lapped it up, but I forced myself to slow down, stopped myself from planning the wedding, stopped the fantasy from taking hold in my head… I was honest with myself and with him and dealt in reality. It was hard. But I recognized my pattern and stopped myself from engaging in it. He told me how hot I was, how beautiful, how much of a catch I was….ok, thanks now tell me something I don’t know. Interestingly enough with all this sweet talk, never once did he ask me out, or invite me out for coffee or drinks or inquire at all about who I was or try to get to really know me and his reason: “i’m in the middle of a divorce and don’t know how long it will take maybe a month maybe two years, but time is something I just don’t have to give right now.” RED FLAG, DING! DING! DING! DING!!! he actually told me this. I few years ago I would have deliberatly ignored that comment, I would have analysed it and dissected it and made up a million and one excuses and reasons why what he said isn’t really what he said so that I would not have to acknowlege that what he was really saying is that “I’m a big ‘ole emotionally unavailable man who wants you only on my terms and not willing to give you what you need, becasue you should be jumping for joy that I was honest and told you about my situation.” When I told him that I empathized with his situation, but would not accept it b/c it was essentially a waste of my time since he cannot give me what I need in a realtionship, he became incensed, told me I had offended him and how nice he had been to me (a few 6 mintue phone calls and sweet talk is essentially all I got from this man). Funny, isn’t it?
I say all this because it is an example of me taking control of my self, my life and trusting my gut and acting on that trust. I recognized my pattern, I stopped myself from engaging in it, I maintained a healthy emotional distance, I was honest and I kept my feet and my head in reality, I stuck to my deal breakers and focused on what I wanted and needed, I dealt in reality and it paid off b/c now he’s gone and I feel great that I didn’t fall into my pattern. This site and NML’s articles and advice, therapy, friends and faith has carried me this far where I can feel good about asserting myself in this kind of situation… I rarely did that in the past. It’s a long hard road, one that I am still walking and learing on, but it’s a really good one to walk if health and happiness and genuine self love is the destination.
Kissie:
It is soo scary– and by the way– did we go out on a date with the same guy?? LOL I applaud the way you handled yourself in this situation because I know how hard it is for us (fallback girls or whatever you want to call us) to cement ourselves to the ground! I did and thought the same exact things you did. This guy (who was really HOT by the way) was very complimenting, told me how beautiful I was… etc..etc… but yeah— did he once ask me anything about myself? Or when I managed to squeeze in some info about me (and not about my looks by the way) did he even listen or care? This is how we know we have progressed.. because like you I would have justified it somehow in my head because I would have wanted to see and believe what I wanted to see and believe. Instead I remained strong, focused and kept in my mind what a real interested and available man would act and treat me like and didnt allow my over active imagination put us on the honey moon already! Believe me, it was hard hard hard! But i did it! And i am soo happy I did. That is progress for me. Now its been 3 days since our date and while he did text me on the second day— to say hello….. im not getting very good vibes from this person. But once again— a year ago I would have been obsessing about when the next phone call would come, I would have been checking my phone constantly– i would have been analyzing what i did or didnt say etc..etc..etc… Now, I sit here calmly and patiently and dont sweat it and if i need to take that as my “cue” that he is not interested— im ok with that. Way before I invest myself any further (whew). If a man is genuinly interested he will certainly call or let it be known. Otherwise— i rather not waste my time. It was a nice date with a really good looking and successful man but if he couldnt see past my looks or the bedroom……..than he doesnt deserve me! KUDDOS to both of us for having the courage to remain strong, learn and move forward…. thats what its all about!!!!
Karen,
Glad you recognized the red flags!! If a man has not shown any interest in me or my life then there wouldn’t be a second date. Period!
Was it all about him and your appearance?
Gaynor:
but im saying this in the context of this particular date it just seemed like there wasn’t any GENUINE interest in me as a person, what i like to do, where i am in life etc… Things that people that are interested in a “REAL” relationship would ask. Hey, he was HOT but ive been told many a time that I am as well…….but if i can look past your looks and actually take the time to want to get to know you— I expect the same in return. I reluctantly went on this date… im not out there actively dating per se, but If something that sparks my interest comes along I give it a chance (for practice atleast.. heehee) but if during or after that chance you dont come up with something more……than its time to bail….and the fact that im actually seeing this makes me feel good because I know I have learned something.
I have no clue! To me… when a man focuses purely on looks or proceeds to shower you with compliments all the while not engaging in any “REAL” conversation, it means he just wants to get in your pants. Otherwise– why are you buttering me up? Not to say that compliments aren’t good and in fact welcomed
I believe the universe doesnt cater to our weaknesses. It will constantly throw at us a second chance or the opportunity to have it another go, to prove ourselves……we just have to make sure we are ready to respond with something different (the second time around) so that we have a different experience of it.
Karen,
Good for you!!! We’re all learning!
That’s so great to hear that the “castle-in-the-sky” pattern can be broken, or at least worked on. I’ve had a tendency to “fall in love” with guys very easily (actually based on lust) and obsess about them. It’s like each one has a unique,interesting,fantasy personality and story that I “collect.” It does seem much more rational to keep alert to everything a guy is showing you about his behavior, especially showing very little interest in your life, not just his hot-ness and imagined potential.
I wanted to comment on the idea of a final goodbye. I had never had the disappearing act pulled on me until an EUM I dated that would do it frequently. Since I was so attracted to him, I couldn’t stop contacting him, but he would never officially say “stop,” which I guess I shouldn’t have expected him to. However, when I heard thru someone that he liked some girl, I sent a final text, and I know that I really HAD to, for me, because if I hadn’t, I would still be hoping and wondering and thinking a lot about him. I pretty much always reply to every communication, just courtesy, how I was raised. It seems “left open” otherwise (and Lord knows I would have always kept the door open for this a**hole). (If I’m not interested I try to make that clear too).
Also, there’s the POWER GAME dynamic. Somehow sending a final message makes you think you chose it, gives some sense of control maybe.. even though they by their not liking you as much as you like them, clearly were always in control. There was such an endless psychological game at play with this guy, I felt, though it was mostly me playing and him not caring. *Shrug*. At least I’ll keep my eyes open and not get into something like that again… it was a game I couldn’t win, and even when I thought I’d “win” (by coercing him to see me).. I’d really be losing.
Gaynor: (totally off subject)
I had written Miss Confused something on another post but it says that no more comments are allowed under that post… im assuming that is the moderator? Just want to make sure there isnt something screwy with my computer.
Hi Karen. Due to some of the current issues with commenting, all posts more than 2 weeks old have had comments closed. This is to ensure that comments start to stay on topic, don’t spiral, and don’t create a load on the server. It is not expected to be a permanent measure. In terms of moderation, if you are part of a dispute in the comments or don’t meet other terms of the commenting policy, your comments will be flagged and they will have to be approved before publishing. Thanks Nicki
NML’s last blog post..He broke up with me – Is he an assclown?
The ‘goodbye’ thing is up for interpretation and could go on and on…. but I know for myself that my exEUM was an a**clown so saying goodbye to him would have been like snuggling my nose up his butt. The way I see it, I would only say goodbye to an EUM only if it was to make me feel “less guilty” or because I didn’t want to come across rude. Now that I have some self-respect and see myself differently….I’m ecstatic that I went NC WITHOUT the goodbye! After the way he treated me, that chump doesn’t deserve to lick my feet (I’m being incredibly civil here). It took me a while to see that it was poor treatment and I’m sure he shook his head many times thinking “doesn’t this chick have any self-respect???” But he sure knows it now and I didn’t have to say a word…..
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