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In recent weeks, I’ve been speaking to several people who feel ‘powerless’ and ‘helpless’ in their relationships. In some instances, it was only after the relationship had ended that they recognised that there was a severe imbalance in the relationship that caused the other party to effectively hold position of power, or ‘the powerbase’.
Now it stands to reason that if you feel helpless, powerless, and that everything is on the other persons terms, you’re not the one holding the powerbase.
What I have tended to find in talking with people and the many emails and comments is that in poor and dysfuntional relationships, someone always has more power than the other. In the dynamic between Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, he holds the powerbase because he couldn’t fall back on or default to a woman unless she was allowing him to, or he had managed the situation through both obvious and subtle means to get the relationship to operate on his terms.
In a healthy relationship that involves two people with each other’s best interests at heart with both of their feet in the relationship, no-one has more power over the other. Yes, in risking yourself and actually being in a relationship where you are committed to each other and have shared your feelings, and love, trust, respect, and care about one another, you both have the power to hurt one another, but this is not ‘power’ in the sense of one person having the ability to control the dynamics and actions of the other person.
Sometimes the power is assumed. In this instance, for example, a Mr Unavailable blows hot and cold, which manages down the Fallback Girls expectations so that she learns not to want, need, or expect too much from him and when she does too much of any of these, she is effectively penalised with a rush of cold. Mr Unavailable is all about having the relationship on his terms and the struggle arises when you, the Fallback Girl try to get him to come around to your way of thinking and play more fairly.
Often the power is given. Many people are just waiting for someone to come along and validate them. They almost end up being in awe of their relationship partners and in having so little self-esteem and wanting to be the ideal person for them without actually questioning whether that person is even the ideal person for them, they immediately take an almost submissive role in the relationship.
Even if this doesn’t happen from the outset, the powerbase can end up being established either in the first and subsequent acceptances of bad behaviour or when there is conflict.
A classic example of this is when the ‘powerful person’ cuts off and disappears and they are welcomed back with little or no question, or even if there is an argument, a signal is sent that they can get away with it.
Likewise when the ‘powerful person’ ends the relationship, usually suddenly, and often for a ridiculous reason, and they turn the tables and have the other party practically jumping through hoops to get back with them, this also firmly establishes the powerbase.
If you have little or no boundaries in relationships, the other person will hold the powerbase because you basically are giving them carte blanche to do whatever the hell they like without fear of consequences.
If you love someone unconditionally who not only is unworthy of it but loves you conditionally, you give them the powerbase.
If you become someone who talks a good game but doesn’t back up with actions (empty threats, ultimatums, defining the relationship talks that never go anywhere), you do not hold the powerbase because you repeatedly send a signal to them that no matter what you say, you’ll be there yabbering on letting them do exactly what they want to do.
If nothing or very little you say or do causes anything to change, you have little or no power, or you just don’t know how to use it.
And actually, it’s not in healthy relationships where you need to be flexing your power muscles – it’s in the negative, self depreciating, life sapping, brain draining, mentally exhausting, drama filled relationships where you need to plug back into your power source (your sense of self) and get the hell out.
It’s very difficult to wrestle power off someone who has enjoyed the fruits of their power trip. They certainly don’t want to share the power because that dynamic doesn’t work for them as they wouldn’t be in control.
If you’re fighting someone who is struggling against being a decent person in a decent relationship, isn’t this a waste of energy? They’re not going to validate you, balance up the power, and then you both live happily ever after. Isn’t it better to figure out why you are giving up your power in the first place and build up some energy or use whatever little reserves you have within to do something so that you can get back to you?
The funny thing is that the best way you can stop being helpless and powerless is to recognise that you are actually more in control of this situation than you realise and to opt out. Someone cannot enjoy power over you when you’re no longer around to give it to them or you no longer do what they expect.
Yes, stop doing what they expect.
People who are very powerful are use to people doing what they expect from them and what they want.
They feel out of control when you deviate from what you have taught them to expect from you.
We teach people how to treat us and what to expect from us. If you don’t want to feel the misery anymore, you must start teaching them something different. Now. Not in a year when he’s met some arbitrary deadline in your head for him to ‘improve’ and has failed. But now. Because being happy isn’t something you plan for, it’s what you get on with doing now.
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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Meant to be Happy, I wish you all the luck trying to figure out which way to go. I’m really glad you shared that you are married…. it just helps us to get the whole picture of the journey you’re going through.
I think finally letting your feelings known and not just faking cheeriness to keep the family happy is the right thing. It gives your husband a chance to see your sadness and really work through this to a happier marriage, and then if he can’t do that, you have your answers… you know?
My ex husband (long after I had finally given up and already been divorced) said that while we were married, I should have stood in the doorway every single day and never let him leave the house until he understood how sad I was and I should have demanded change from him until he finally woke up.
Not my personality to do that, and actually… maybe good advice, but way too late. I thought he should have been able to see the sadness in my eyes, and the fact that I lost so much weight and couldn’t eat and had started drinking (when I had never been a drinker)…. No, he needed me to stand in the doorway and shout my unhappiness to him every day in order to notice. I’m sorry, but that wasn’t a marriage (in my eyes). I was withering away before his eyes, and as long as my mouth was shut and I didn’t say things out loud he didn’t have a reason to notice…. that wasn’t cool. He had the power, and I had no voice strong enough to shout at him.
So, you are at that point where if you can hear why I’m telling you what my ex husband said….. maybe it is time to shout to your man HEY, I NEED A CHANGE FROM YOU, FROM US, OR I CAN’T STAY HERE!’
I don’t know…. it is easier to talk about it now that I’m not there anymore, but I read your posts and I almost want to cry for the feelings that come back.
There was another woman, I think it was Gail, who used to post here a bit who had the same story and was still married, but she was older and had been married a very long time, and just couldn’t see how to get out of it even though she was very sad.
I hope she is still reading and might give an update one of these days…
Even if you don’t know what to do or where to go yet, just reading that you’re not alone really helps.
Feeling like you’re the only one in a sad marriage is pretty much the loneliest place in the world.
Aega-”In the meantime I need NC and moments of sanity like the one I’m feeling right now. The hurt will come again and stay but I’ve got to get off this see-saw.”
I agree with you,I think that going NC and getting some distance is the best you can do now.You need to figure out what you realy want and concetrate on you right now.
Meant-Thank you
Im glad you are trying to sort things with your SO but at the same time behaving diferently by showing your real fellings instead of just being a peace maker.It seems you are empowering yourself,very nice.
@lisa
I remember when it first occurred to me that my marriage might not last – or rather when I was able to say it out loud, to someone else (a very good friend), because that gave it a whole new feeling of reality. At the time my friend, K, was taken aback; he had only known us as a couple a.k.a. the “perfect coupleâ€, and even though he and my husband only got along for my sake (he is gay and I was, am married to a homophobe, politically correct as he may be).
By then I had been getting unhappy for about a year, maybe longer. Of course no one ever knew because I kept my dirty laundry in a closet. So when I told K my marriage wasn’t making it, he tried to help fix it. As he started giving me advice and suggestions, and I started replying to all of them, “check, did thatâ€, I realized that I had done everything BUT stand in the doorway and shout that I was unhappy.
I know I’ve said this before: I hate conflict. I had witnessed all of my parents’ destructive relationships and once the initial awkward stage of my own marriage had passed I started using what I knew of theirs as a sort of how-not-to-screw-up-your-marriage manual. When my SO did something to upset me I always tried to wait until my head cleared and ask to talk about it later. I’d tell him why what he did had hurt me, taking care to always clarify that it was the “it†and not him that I referred to as hurtful. I never said, “you alwaysâ€, “you neverâ€, etc. When my SO would marginalize my getting upset by saying that I was being overly sensitive (and sometimes I was) or that he “didn’t mean it that wayâ€, I would tell him afterwards that I understood that he hadn’t meant to hurt me, but the thing he did or said had, and I was letting him know so that in the future we would address the issue in a more constructive way.
Those books and articles on how to “fight fairlyâ€, “communicate openlyâ€, “be good to each other†– I could have written them. I can tell you now, though – it takes two. My SO was never wrong and didn’t believe in acknowledging that something he did may have hurt me. He saw that as apologizing for nothing (even though as apology was never what I asked for). Ironically enough, he has always said – and still does – is that one of my best traits is “not naggingâ€.
At some point, more than once, I told him that I needed his help in the effort to keep the spark alive. We had gradually begun living lives that were parallel but independent of each other: we’re both workaholics and I have such a strong need for my own personal space to do the things I love that his lack of interest in what mattered to me had simply translated into my doing all of them without him. Granted, he always asked me to join him in doing what he enjoyed, but pretty soon it seemed like watching ESPN was all that ever entailed. He didn’t have friends of his own and his professional colleagues weren’t all that exciting to either of us. He was always polite to but slightly disdainful of people that mattered to me and when I asked him to be a better sport around them he pretty much told me that I needed better friends (read: people that played golf in overpriced polo shirts and had impressive portfolios).
This went on for 3 years. When I left 8 months ago it seemed to come as such a shock to him. I got to hear all the why-didn’t-you’s then. I patiently explained that I had told him about all the things that had made me sad and tried to work with him on sustaining the marriage. He honestly didn’t remember, and actually told me that he had never really paid attention or taken me seriously when I had – well – asked him to pay attention and take me seriously.
When you said, “Maybe it is time to shout to your man HEY, I NEED A CHANGE FROM YOU, FROM US, OR I CAN’T STAY HERE!†I can honestly say that I had. Not to mention that, just like you, I had withered away and replaced dinner with a glass of wine. These aren’t dumb men we are/were married to. If you drive past 20 signs telling you that asphalt ends and dirt begins and you hit that dirt road at 70mph anyway – well, the signs can’t do much for you now that the wheels are off your car.
Sometimes I too think that maybe I should have got angry and shown it. But one shouldn’t have to in a loving relationship. It had been too important to him to have that power of always proving to me that he was right. Our marriage didn’t go out with a bang, it fizzled out. He had been the guy at the top, marching his armies through the streets to show off the power he had over the folks watching the parades from their windows. The people wrote petitions and put up signs to ask for their tax money to be spent on something else. He kept marching through the streets though. Finally the folks tired of the noise so they packed their bags and moved to Brazil. When the parade on the street finally stopped, there was no one left in the windows to see it.
I see both sides to Lisa’s post. It is one thing to complain, everyday, about something that is bothering you. But having to complain everyday signals to me that the other person is not listening…was not listening on day one, nor day two or any other day for that matter. Complaining gets nowhere if intelligent communication and then the very very hard work of change and compromise follows the complaint. And complaining when it is not followed by action just degrades into obnoxious annoying behavioral habits that the other person learns to ignore.
On the other hand, withdrawl and saying nothing is a guaranteed path to darkness and despair for both the one suffering and the relationship.
I am fond of a book whose premise is that trouble in relationships offers the largest opportunity for growth, for both people, but only if both people love each other enough and are confident and committed enough to take that difficult journey of working to change and compromise.
Taking a hard look at whether the other person has the capabilities needed, of strong love, confidence, a good intellect, a strong work ethic and an ability to be fair, to be a true partner…seems to be the key.
I just got a email from my ex mother.She thanked me for my email and said was very nice from me to say those thinngs.She said that she still thinks about me sometimes and hope that everything is fine on my life.And she even said ” You deserve someone that treats you better than my son did” (what means a lot to me,because if even his own mother thinks that I guess it means I was right in all I said about him and not just being too demanding like he used to say).It was a sweet email and I got touched by all that she said.Btw she thinks me and him are broke up for almost 2 years and not just the 8 months that we are now.Like I said before me and my ex broke up twice,the first time on 2007 and the second time last year.We stayed 6 months broke up after the first break up and got back together for 9 months last year but he never mentioned that to his mother.He said he didnt know how things would turn out between us so he wanted to wait a while to tell his family about it but we end up breaking up again.So she never got to know that we were still together last year.And I havent talked to her or seen her since the first break up too,so we were almost 2 years without talking to each other.So I can imagine how it might have surprised her(she even comented that on the email) to hear from me after all that time,but anyway her reaction was pretty good.Im glad about that.
Jetred, part of the process of grief and loss is depression, isolation, sadness. Do whatever you can to get going, I started an exercise video, not my style at all, but endorphins are known to be generated through exercise. If you can’t pull out of it, get some help.
Also, when I was in the worst of it a few months back, when I was not sleeping, I went o my acupuncturist, whom I prefer to my MD. He very specifically told me to meditate and I have a very hard time doing that. So, I asked him to make me a guided tape, and he did.
Basically in the beginning of the tape, he had me relax my body but then coached me get in touch with the love that is in my heart. He believes there is a healing light/ love / force that needs to be tapped into to heal.The first few times I tried to do this I cried and I really do not even know why, it was so hard.
Think my point is, especially if your physical body is suffering.. you have to attack the problem from a few different directions…physical, emotional, behavioral, spiritual. I am also certain that doing something for others in need can help also.
@lisa – Thanks for wishing me luck, and for sharing even more of your story. You almost made *me* cry with your post. When things first started to go downhill with my husband (a few years ago now), I spent a lot of time trying to express my feelings to him in a non-threatening and tactful way. Oftentimes, he would then become withdrawn himself, as if my expressing any negative feelings was an attack on him. Then his depressed moods would start to affect how he related to our daughters, so I eventually gave up on telling him how I felt, and then I took on this role of stoic peace-keeper. We started sleeping in different bedrooms. Two years ago, I asked our real estate agent how much we could get for the house, as I was thinking of moving out. I told my girls I was thinking of leaving their dad as I was not happy in the relationship and how he treated them. They told me how much they wanted us to stay together as a family, and so I agreed to our living together in the same house, in separate spaces. My SO knows I am mostly staying here for the children, but his behaviour towards me has generally improved since I told him I was thinking of moving out. I just try to go about my life, doing things I like to do, and trying to give the girls as good a life as possible. Last night, although I am usually afraid to cause any conflict, it actually felt good to be the “grumpy one†for a change. I have to put up with moodiness from my SO *and* my teenage daughters, so it’s time they see that I can get down, too!!! Lisa, I think I *will* start to tell my SO how sad I feel on a more regular basis. Then maybe it will sink into his head!!! I don’t want to be in your position and wither away before his eyes. That must have been horrible for you. You said “Even if you don’t know what to do or where to go yet, just reading that you’re not alone really helps†– yes, you are right, and thank you so much for your continuing thoughtful comments – they are extremely helpful.
@Aega – will the similarities in our situations never end? Everyone thinks we are the “perfect couple†too, and they think we are in separate bedrooms because my husband snores. I have tried all the “I†statements, etc, etc, that are suggested in conflict resolution, too, but to no avail.
You wrote “his lack of interest in what mattered to me had simply translated into my doing all of them without him. Granted, he always asked me to join him in doing what he enjoyed, but pretty soon it seemed like watching …(movies – minor change!)… was all that ever entailed. He didn’t have friends of his own and his professional colleagues weren’t all that exciting to either of us. He was always polite to but slightly disdainful of people that mattered to me and when I asked him to be a better sport around them he pretty much told me that I needed better friends†– same here, same here, same here!!!!!
“Sometimes I too think that maybe I should have got angry and shown it. But one shouldn’t have to in a loving relationship.†– I am starting to question this. Why hide anger? I want to get mine out, and deal with it as constructively as possible. I have had to put up with his seething repressed anger for 2 decades now.
@aphrogirl – I don’t plan to complain every day about how I feel, but often enough that he “gets itâ€. You wrote “And complaining when it is not followed by action just degrades into obnoxious annoying behavioral habits that the other person learns to ignore.†– and this may be where we are stuck. Yes, we need to make some compromises, and I hope to do that in the context of marital counselling after I have been to my individual counsellor for a while. What is the name of the book you mentioned?
@Anusha – that’s nice your ex’s mother sent a friendly reply to your email. I think her comment that you deserve someone who treats you better than her son did should be taken to heart!!!
@Aphrogirl
I just realized something: you were *beyond* right. Here I am, talking about a marriage having to dissolve because the guy only gets so many chances to take us up on our offer to work things out. Hummm… maybe I should use the same metric with my MM…?
You said, “He can waffle all he wants now, as can you, say things in hindsight, wish things were different… but when the time came for him to address that very serious question you posed, he gave you his answer.
I would bet that if you posed it to him again, give him another chance to make a choice, he would still waffle. Hell, he is capable of making the choice on his own right now, last night, last month.â€
You are right – how many chances does a man get to “not miss his chance� In a way it is an arbitrary line we draw at some point, but the alternative is to go through the vicious cycle forever. And the months – years – do go by. I suppose not being able to really vilify the other person doesn’t mean that you let him keep you hanging indefinitely.
You will be proud of me
, because despite my long rambling post on humanizing those that hurt us etc I had actually taken a stand in our meeting. I didn’t really think of it as such at the time, but replayed it again in my head after reading what you wrote: “He may be miserable and wish it was different too. But, the facts remain.†The thing that happened the other day that made me feel so hollow all over again was that he had started talking about ending his marriage. Again. He said that moving away to where I was meant not seeing his kids and he didn’t know how to do that.
I didn’t tell him not to get a divorce (like I used to), but I also acknowledged to myself that as he was saying this he was still married. I basically said that as much as my dreams included having him in my life, too, the fact was that we both had commitments to other people. I told him that I didn’t know where either one would be say 5 years from now, but for now he is married and I need to be away from here to learn to stand on my own two feet. Both of us having doubts and fears was a recipe for disaster. I was unhappy and as such leaving a door open for him (who also had reached but couldn’t get past a crossroads) would muddy things even more, for both. Hence the NC (I know – again…)
When you said all this is denial I think it is, too. The love is still there and I can’t seem to talk my way out it inside my head. I don’t think the guy is a bastard, hard as I’ve tried. But I am holding firmly to getting out of his life as he is living it now. He may show up on my doorstep one day. I didn’t tell him that he couldn’t, but I made it very clear that I will not be the one helping him through a divorce if he chooses to get one. And I didn’t promise I’d be there if he did go through with it because firstly, I don’t want him to leave his wife for me (if the relationship is bad he will leave her regardless, and if he stays than that means he loved her enough for that in the first place) and secondly, I need to shape my own future based on who I am, and not who I am with him.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense.
…. I am trying to get to work outside : -))) but this is just as important work in a way. For anyone thinking of working on a relationship, who likes books, Journey of the Heart, by John Welwood is a really perceptive conceptual book. The other book, as a more specific working manual, that helps people to understand and break the patterns behind the difficulties, was reccommended to a friend by a very good therapist, its called Hold Me Tight. I have not used it but I read it as I am interested in difficulties presented in relationship.
Most important point. Both books, if used to actually work on a relationship, assume both people are totally committed to the hard work of change. A positive outlook sure would help too Journey is a great book even to read alone, though, a bit zen like, meaning spacey at times, so you got to work to grasp the concepts. But I found such good insights in that book. The other book is most relevant as part of a couples work together.
Have a good day or evening all, I do think of many of the insights gained here, as I go about my daily physical work. Thanks again.
@Meant
I have to lol, I can’t help it…. my husband snores too!! Epically so. I mean, it is l e g e n d a r y. This has been one of our bones of contention, in fact, because since no one, and I mean no one, can fall asleep in the same room with him and yet he always has excuses for not following all that his doctor prescribed for him. He has severe sleep apnea. He has and has to wear a special mask at night to help him breathe. The oxygen apparatus itself makes noise so it’s not like it’s a picnic from where I sit anyway, but somehow it’s always miscalibrated, or too loose, or too tight, and he never has time to take care of it.
Anyway, that’s what got me to the sofa in my studio in the first place, and all of our friends and family know that. The reason I *stayed* there can’t be fixed with an oxygen mask…
I think it’s good you’re “grumpyâ€, especially if it feels right. I wonder whether your daughters might have insisted on keeping the four of you together because they never saw their dad’s behavior get to you. I’m definitely not advocating repressing anger; I always acknowledged it when it came my way (that is, until anger had finally turned to apathy), I just don’t get angry in a volatile way, I suppose. When I’m mad I’m literally speechless, that’s why I talk about it later. If it feels right to you to get things out when they are boiling over, I think you should.
I have to ask…. does he check if the door is locked at least twice, no matter what, and wash his hands constantly…?
I have a question,on the end of her email my ex mother wished me all the best and that she hopes that I have a good future.Do you think that me not emailing back to thank her is rude? I mean I just wanted to let her know that I apreciate all she did but I didnt plan to keep the contact going at least for now,so I dont fell much like emailing again.I said what I had to said,she replied and I was thinking about just leaving like that but I just dont want to seem rude.You think it will seem that way if I dont email her to thank?
@aphrogirl – thanks for the names of the books – I may just check them out. I think you were the one who recommended “Women Who love Too Much, and it was helpful, indeed. Enjoy your evening, too.
@Aega – OK, I now have goosebumps all over my body. “He has severe sleep apnea. He has to wear a special mask at night to help him breathe. The oxygen apparatus itself makes noise so it’s not like it’s a picnic from where I sit anyway†–Oh my goodness, my SO has severe sleep apnea too!!!! His CPAP machine is supposed to be quiet, but I am a very light sleeper, and even the “white noise†it makes (which I try to imagine is the waves of the ocean) keeps me awake for hours. It’s hard to find him attractive when he looks more like a patient in the hospital with breathing difficulties than the young, healthy man he was when we met. I know that sounds cruel and shallow, but I can’t help it affecting me the way it does. He needs to exercise and to lose a lot of weight to become fit again, and better able to breathe. I am very physically fit, and it frustrates me that he does not take care of himself, although he has been trying to get a little more physically active recently. I hope he does manage to stay on the path to health.
“The reason I *stayed* there can’t be fixed with an oxygen mask…†– I hear you sister!! We did try marital therapy a few years ago, but the therapist wasn’t very effective, and just focused on the differences in our libidos (mine is higher – he told me to dress more provocatively to get my husband’s interest. Puh-lease!). If we decide to go back to therapy, we will find someone who will hopefully be more effective. Have you ever gone the marital therapy route? I don’t remember you mentioning it.
I don’t get angry in a volatile way, either, and I’m also wary of raised voices (my dad is a heavy drinker, and his loud anger would terrify me). But I think I need to start expressing it more, even though it may bring the “punishment†of my husband not speaking to me or our daughters for days at a time. I think my daughters know my husband’s moodiness and negativity affect me, but maybe not the extent that is does.
And yes, my husband double checks locks at night, but doesn’t do the constant handwashing (that’s my obsession, lol). He doesn’t ever like to see anything out of place, though – not a toy or piece of mail in sight, no place mats on the table unless he’s just about to eat, not one dish visible on the counter, the towels perfectly arranged in the bathroom (a la movie “Sleeping with the Enemyâ€).
@Anusha – I think it’s fine not to email her back. She wished you a good future – doesn’t need a thank you
Hello Jetred, Meanttobehappy, Butterfly, Anusha, Aega, Aphrogirl,
I am aware that you all comment regularly on here and constantly talk to one another about all the things you all are going through, and that is fine, hat is how it is meant to be.
However, i would appreciate if I and others could be let into your circle as i feel there is a danger that the contributions of others [mine included] are being overlooked and ignored. I had the courage to share my experience with an assclown and i have received absolutely nothing by way of comments, support or encouragement, and it is feeling like an exclusive club where the same commentators dominate and nobody else gets a look in/or feel too left out to comment.
I don’t mean to offend anybody, but i would like to have the same sense of belonging on this blog/website as the rest of you. I have a lot of insights to share too.
Thanks
Sweetie187 -x-
@Butterfly
I know I need the medicine and sometimes I feel like the kid in a commercial that is running like mad through the house while his mother is chasing him with cough syrup. If I couldn’t handle tough love I wouldn’t keep coming back here. I firmly believe in the therapeutic benefits of a smack upside the head for someone that’s hyperventilating instead of breathing.
I went back reread what I had written, though, because I am not saying to anyone that wishy-washy, let’s-test-them-and-see-if-they-stick-around kind of behavior is OK. I’m saying that it happens, and the people that are guilty of it aren’t necessarily inherently bad. They may just be idiots.
This is not to say it’s anyone’s responsibility to fix their partner’s insecurities, nor that they will be succesful doing so if they try. For me, I have to admit to myself that my insecurities have caused me (and others) as much misery as others may have brought to me. I know this to be the case and if I don’t acknowledge it – and work to improve it – it will always come back to bite me in the ass.
I’d give my right arm to be as grounded and self-possessed as so many women here are, and to bring wise advice to others instead of just my two cents’ worth.
Well, that was my two cents…
. I liked when you said that, “My life, your lives, lies ahead of me and you”. Accordingly, I am going to get my patootie up and away from the laptop and see if a little fresh air does its usual trick for me.
@Sweetie 187 – I did actually respond to what I think may have been your first post on here – under a previous post of NML’s. If you remember which one you first put it on, have a look, and my response to you is there. I didn’t comment on this one, as it seemed to be exactly the same post that I had already responded to.
This is not an exclusive club, all are welcome to post and receive support, and I personally try to respond to any new person who does not yet have a response from someone else, as I hate people to feel left out.
So, tell me, which post of NML’s did you first post on?
@Sweetie
I’m sorry – I just am not in a place to respond to you today, not in a tactful way which you will find supportive. I tend to say exactly what I think … your posts were very aggressive, both actively and passively, and much as we will all be willing to help you also have to take the time to think about what you say and how it might affect others who are feeling fragile. My actual advice is that first and foremost you should consider seeking some professional guidance for the distress you are in which is not immediately and directly caused by the situation.
By stating your case in a passive-aggressive way – and by accusing (I’m sorry but this IS the right word here) people of forming a clique which excludes you, you are excluding yourself and placing others into a position of being “abusers”. This isn’t the case in reality and you need to take stock of yourself before anything that is said here, by NML or anyone else will do anything but fuel the fires. In other words you need to be ready to “do the work” as opposed to wishing harm on others which is what came out from your earlier posts.
I hope this doesn’t cast me as a bitch: nothing could be further from the truth.
@Aega I’d give my right arm to be as grounded and self possessed as you perceive people here to be lol – I’m just a bumbling idiot and I feel in the dark.
@Meant – your situation sounds like mine with kids – “stoic” is a word I identify with.
I can’t believe how hung over I still am !!!!
Butterfly i am sorry you feel my request to open up the circle of support [and make it less exclusive] was deeemed “aggressive” but i have looked back over my post and there is nothing aggresive about it.
But i am sorry to have upset the clique. I should have kept my mouth shut because now i am looking like a villain. I have even been falsely accused of “wishing harm on others”! But i cannot see the evidence that backs up your accusation so that is very unfair.
I will bow out now and not make any further comment on this site.
From now on i will be a silent reader, least i upset anyone further.
Sorry.
But the evidence is clear to see. If you look back over this blog, you will see that there are six main “in-group” people who totally dominate. I’m sorry if my accurate obeservations has upset you.
If i was feeling like an outsider 4 hours ago, i am feeling even more of an outsider after Butterfly’s response!
I did not accuse or perceive anybody on here of being an “abuser”, Butterfly. Wow. I am gob-smacked.
And i will leave well alone now.
Sweetie187-Sorry if you felt left out,I didnt mean to make you fell this way.I guess you know what to do already,that is go NC and cut that guy out from your life.He cant give you the relationship you want and was using you for a FWB situation.I know it hurts that he said that he didnt want a relationship and then shows up with a gf but it realy doesnt matter his reasons for that,what matters now is you.I think you should stop texting him to try to get a reaction from him and just go NC.You wont achieve anything by that and only will make you look bad and waist your life.You should be concetrating that energy you using to piss him of on yourself and on moving on.I know isnt easy but you have to try and just forget about him for now.Just continue NC and you will see how much better you will fell to be out of all that.
meant-Thank you for your response
I guess I wont email her anymore then and just leave things like that.
Ok I know I just said I wouldnt email my ex mother but I just did it(yeah I know I change my mind too fast lol).I wanted to explain why I havent been around and let clear that it had nothing to do with her,that I just needed some distance to get over my ex and move on.And most important I wanted to let her know how much I apreciated all that she said,specialy the part where she said that I deserve someone that treats me better than her son did(that realy touched me).I always admired how she never took his side or made excuses for his behaviour just because he is her son,and just said when she thinks that he wasnt right.She even told me once that she loves him very much but that she knows he can be very selfish and hurtfull.I think is very nice how she can talk about her own son behaviour like that.
@sweetie
It didn’t upset me, quite the opposite. What you need to look at is why you were motivated to post as you did, and how you are reacting. We are NOT the “main six” – this is a huge huge huge site, please read the other posts and replies. All the answers you can ever want are right here, but you have tobe prepared to look for them and not expect people here to validate you.
We’re not here to enable you to carry on self destructing. THAT would be cruel.
@Anusha It’s nice that you’ve made that connection but my advice would be to take your own advice and leave it alone. You’ve settled something you feel bad about, and you know she understands he treated you like crap (she’s probably upset about it too) but if you keep getting involved in this it’s another form of remaining invested with him isn’t it?
@Butterfly – I agree with your posts to Sweetie187 and Anusha.
You’re right, this site is huge, and many people have been responded to and supported, even when they are “new” – and when I look over this very post and the comments, I see that anyone who has actually asked a question has had someone try to answer it (Carrie, bbylove, SlowlySurely), and I see no evidence of anyone being left out. Sometimes people just comment, and that’s fine, too, and I think maybe Sweetie’s post was interpreted as her just “wanting to comment”. Perhaps if she had asked a specific question, or, like you suggested, if the tone of her post had been different, she may have received the responses she seems to need.
This comment below was posted by Anusha on another post and directed at Butterfly. The comment has been removed from the post it was placed on because it is off topic.
Butterfly-I see your point,yes geting involved in this is a form to stay invested on him.And I also think that Im not ready to keep constant contact with her right now.I need to be fully over him to be sure that I will be able to handle that without being sucked back on.So from now on I plan to leave it like that.I just thought was important to let her know how much I apreciated what she said and let clear why I havent been around but from now on no more emails.
That is a answer to Butterfly post on the other page but since there is closed for coments now I had to post it here.
This was posted by Tulipa:
Anyway I just wanted to share that I did not do as he expected me to do and and contact him on his b’day. I worked out his mo was to give me crumbs with which I would bake the whole loaf and call to his attention that what he is doing wrong however there was no real consequences from me for his behaviour so he continued on.
He through me enough crumbs to make me think this time he would follow his words with actions but that turned out to be totally not true.
So his b’day was Sunday and I did not do as he expected I did not contact him in anyway at all about it.. I felt guilty but kept recalling his lies and why would I want to say Happy B’day to a liar??
I don’t think he has noticed that I said nothing either that or he thinks I’m playing games now to gain the power but really I’m trying to see the big picture and move on with my life and get out of the fallback girl position.. That was a great article NML thank you and apologies it is posted in the wrong spot.
Baggage Reclaim now has its own social network where you can create groups and set up forum topics and even chat with other members. This has been set up so that lengthier more personal discussions can take place without causing disruption to the comments.
Guys, please take heed of the commenting guidelines as this is not a forum – it’s a blog. Whilst I appreciate that some of you are trying to support each other, this is exactly why I have said on a number of occasions that I don’t want personal conversations or comments being placed that end up swinging the thread off topic. I let it roll periodically and then comments like the most recent start and emails start coming thick and fast from readers who feel that they can’t comment because the comment thread is off topic and has become like a conversation between just a few people.
The comments on this post are now closed – please don’t continue this discussion on another post and please ensure that comments are within the guidelines. If anyone has any queries, please use the email on the contact page to get in touch. Thanks Natalie
NML´s last blog ..Overestimating the ‘chemistry’ and the ‘attraction’ in your relationships
To NML,
Thanks very much for enforcing a much needed boundary, and for setting up a social network forum in order for some of your website fans to have back and forth, personal, off topic conversations with each other, if that’s what they wish, without the rest of us having to feel like outsiders, eavesdropping on a private discussion between two people or a select few.
The social network forum is a highly appropriate and worthwhile move that will benefit some of the fans here, and its creation will help to free up the blog comments box to be used as it was intended to: which is to stay ON TOPIC according to the blog in question, adhering to the commenting guidelines.
Sweetie187 -x-
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