Recently I wrote about whether you understand the dynamics of your relationship and a few people have emailed asking me to focus on the aspect of teaching people how to treat us and what to expect.
I am a firm believer that whilst words are wonderful, if they are not backed up with actions, they eventually move from good intentions to a lot of hot air blowing out someone’s bum.
Actions speak louder than words.
This means that if you really want to communicate who you are to someone, what your boundaries are etc, this will be best done through your actions which will show them that you are a person of your word that means business.
You can fight the fact that actions speak louder than words and focus on what they say so that you don’t have to get real about what they do or don’t do, but eventually reality comes home to roost because you cannot base your relationship on illusions.
Likewise, you can keep talking so that you don’t have to focus on what you’re doing or not doing, but it doesn’t change the reality.
Many of us talk a good game, telling people what they should see us as and then doing something very different and the unfortunate thing is that if you are not consistent and your words and actions are mismatched, you open yourself up to being taken advantage of by people who know how to exploit that inconsistency.
We do teach people how to treat us because human behaviour is based on acceptance and rejection. No matter what you say, if you persist in accepting rejectionable behaviour, you are teaching the person that they do not need to respect you or your boundaries.
There is absolutely no point in saying ‘You must treat me with respect otherwise I’m out of here’ if when he disrespects you by refusing to accept your calls, disappearing for a while and then resurfacing after a few weeks, you let him back into your life.
You might make a bit of noise about what he has done but for a start, you’re not ‘out of here’, you’re still there and you also send the message that they can pull this stuff with you and that even if you do make a bit of noise, you will be won over. You will only further cement this perception of you if you allow them to cross other boundaries.
Boundaries are about you knowing what is and isn’t acceptable and you registering and dealing with boundary crossing, even if it means you have to turf the person out of your life. Whilst there is of course room for people to make mistakes and also for forgiveness, if the very basis of a relationship with someone is based on disrespecting everything about you, you’re consistently teaching the person that they don’t have to respect you because there is no consequence to their boundary crossing.
A consequence to someone doing something that’s unacceptable is not for you to lose your sh*t with them and then end up chasing them to come back to you because they’ve rejected the fact that you want to respect yourself and threatened to go.
A consequence isn’t talking about something and then reverting to the same old pattern.
Why? Because you teach people that you’re all talk and not much else.
We teach people about ourselves through actions and so you can do all the talking you want but if your words don’t match, it’s the things that get shown, not shown, and unsaid, that can end up being the undoing of you.
If you go to work tomorrow and that person that sits two seats down from you asks you to do all of his work and you do it, and it’s not the first time, you teach him that he can take advantage of you and that he can dump his work on you when it suits. It doesn’t matter if you stand on the table and announce that no-one takes advantage of you – fact is, they do. Saying it’s not so doesn’t make it not so.
If you want a relationship with love, trust, care, and respect, you must act like someone who loves, trusts, cares, and respects herself. If you don’t, you communicate messages to the other person that make it clear that you are the type of person that will make it easy for them to behave in the way that they do, and give you the relationship (or lack of) that they want to give.
No is not a dirty word. In fact, the absence of no, whether it’s because you don’t say it, or you allow people to get away with things that they shouldn’t, teaches people that you will always say yes, or be accommodating of their inappropriate behaviour.
Your thoughts? What have you taught people about you ? Is it good or is it bad?
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Fantastic!!! (as always)
It seems like you know how to answer all my questions about my EUM at the time whenever i log onto your site.
I have shown my assclown that was “too busy, and too scared for a commitment” for 3 yrs that he was able to walk in and out of my life as much as he’d like abusing my boundaries,… i always took him back – sometimes BEGGED for contact.
my “THIS IS SO OVER – GOOD BYE” texts became jokes to him. He may as well have responded – “Ok then, ttyl! xo”
I flushed my boundaries and self-esteem down the toilet… I couldn’t help feel sorry for him when he needed some attention – ex wife, child, all the women that left him… bla bla bla… he’s 11 years older, lives alone… and of course eeeeveryone loves him! He’s the nicest guy ever! (complete narcissist)
The SICK thing is – i lost it on him recently for the first time in 3 YEARS – calling him every name in the book – pathetic, depressed, lonely insecure man-boy that every woman leaves because he’s so worthless, and useless. (list goes on)
He responds with – “I’m not sure what i’ve done to upset you… but I’d love to see you sometime soon… when are you free?”
WTF?!?!
It’s been 2 weeks of no contact… I had a weak moment yesterday.
I feel like i’m starting to make excuses to see him in my mind… I’m disappointed in myself. Can’t i show him I deserve more and STICK TO MY FUC**** WORD FOR ONCE?!?!?!
a little up-lifting advise..?
“I’m not sure what i’ve done to upset you… but I’d love to see you sometime soon… when are you free?†– I think that the line says it all about him – disconnected, lacking in empathy, and totally in lala land. You’re caught up in relationship insanity – doing the same thing and expecting a different result. You will constantly get the same result if you continue, but you open yourself up to a whole new world by being and doing different. You CAN do it – you’ve just been hoping too much, too invested, and too compassionate. Where’s your compassion for you? You know what you’ve been doing, you know what’s going to happen, so why bother to do what you already know? You don’t need this guy – he has nothing to offer and nothing to give. Stop setting yourself up for disappointment and realise that he is never going to ‘get’ it.
The advise most women are seeking (myself included) is how to have self-respect and boundaries with the jerks that we’ve already invested so much time with……
The truth is, there is no do-overs with old assclowns or EUM’s. Once they bust through the boundaries and we allow it, they have established an open door for the duration of the relationship. And the pattern gets repeated over and over again. The only way to stop the madness is to leave….for good. And I don’t think anyone wants to hear that. We want to believe that all the bad stuff that’s happened in the relationship was somehow our fault (so that we can fix it and still have control over it). Truth is….by setting up boundaries and sticking to them will automatically disqualify the old AC or EUM. Busting through the a person’s boundaries is what they are most comfortable with and what they are best at.
I agree wholeheartedly with Metsgirls. EUMs/ACs don’t really change,ever. They are totally self-absorbed, completely lacking in emotional maturity and disrespectful because it is always about them. NML is so right when she tlaks about boundaries. YOU HAVE TO HAVE THEM AND YOU HAVE TO RESPECT THEM AND MAKE OTHER PEOPLE RESPECT THEM TOO!!! there’s no two ways about it. Think about it if you had a best friend that always did the opposite of what she said she was going to do or acted contradictory to what she says she is, you’d think of her as being hypocritical and someone who does a lot of talking but not someone of action. Well that’s how EUMs/ACs see us. So when you say it”s done, it better damn well be, b/c if you allow him back, he’s gonna do it again….and that is as certain as the sun shining tomorrow morning. They don’t see you as nice or compassionate or lovable. They see you as easy, stupid, needy, desperate, because that’s what your ACTIONS are telling him… not what came out of your mouth.
Thanks NML, great post! I used to talk to my AC endlessly and complained about his unreasonable behaviour…BUT I never really showed him any boundaries and he carried on letting me down…NO MORE! I am getting better every day, wish I had this knowledge one year ago:-)
Really made me think about all the times I talked/emailed till I was blue in the face but it didn’t make any difference because I always gave in and I can’t believe this but I actually apologized for speaking my heart. Yes we do teach people how to treat us. In June I started NC but broke the end of Aug, what a MISTAKE nothing had changed all I got was 2 more months of BS but I’m now 1 month today with NC and I know with this site giving me lots to read and spending the time finding out about myself I’ll make it this time.
I’m sad that almost 11yrs is going down the drain but I have no choice. I deserve better than being cheated on and lied to. And like I read in one of the articles and I repeat it many many times a day “He’s her problem now, not mine”.
Can anyone recommend any good books on how to set boundaries? I’ve come to realise that I have almost none, and I don’t know where to begin in working out how to set them with friends and men alike.
….. if nothing else, these guys are an incredible opportunity for learning…after fifty years on the planet I now truly know what the following words mean…boundaries, illusions, rose colored glasses, narcissist and, my fav word, from this site, …assclown
( gawwwwd what a perfect term)
And I also learned that the unconditional love, forgiveness and acceptance are not desirable traits. That was a big lesson because letting go of those traits was in direct conflict to all I was taught growing up. And of course that made me stay on ( action) despite all my words of protest. …..
That is, I stayed on until NC. Hallelulah for that. I am so grateful for this site.
OK … I understand walking away when you have consistently been treated like crap. But when you are still setting your boundaries… What do you do? So he oversteps the mark for the first time….? Do you say move on and start NC? So you explain to him that its not acceptable and forgive. Then he does something else and … and… and…
How do you teach someone where your boundaries are, so you set a tone for a healthy relationship? Practically? Do you ‘pretend’ to bolt for the door everytime he does something wrong in order to show him that you will leave and then wait for him to come grovelling back?
Perhaps I need to rephrase better….
So youve been through hell. Youve made a decision together ‘to make this work’… Things are going well, you cant ignore the uneasy feeling in your tummy. ITs definitely you not him, he could be behaving like a saint but the past determines that you carry alot of distrust around with you. The feeling comes from being treated badly in the past, being cautious because this man has hurt you before. You cant simply just up and leave without saying WHY????? Do you have to wait for the next big thing to happen?
aphrogirl… I think love, forgiveness and acceptance are desirable, important qualities.
but unconditional love is not love, love is not love in which there is only one giver. reciprocity is key. there are hundreds of names for the kind of appreciation, regard, etc, you may have for a person. but love, couple’s love, romantic love… I think we do ourselves a disservice if we confuse them, and we become slaves.
forgiveness is meaningless when you have no boundaries. what is there to forgive, if you accept everything? forgiveness comes when you let go of the hard feelings, hard feelings that come from a violation of your limits. and I think real forgiveness is impossible unless the violation is over and done with, in the past. forgiving involves turning a new page, saying “from now on, things will be different. so I will let it go”. forgiveness is an assertion of your own worth and implies recognition of the wrong, appropriate measures taken against it (justice! an apology, redress, a trial)…. and after that, you can take that leap of goodness, that increase of your human worth, we all usually take prematurely: let go of the hard feelings, give another chance.
acceptance. of people who are different but have a right to exist in their own individuality. acceptance of other people’s flaws because nobody is perfect. sure. but I can only condone acceptance of flaws in people with character, who are committed to being ethical beings. you have every right to judge people, and you should. be kind in your judgement, be fair, but judge. in other words, there is no acceptance without judgment. acceptance is flexibility, but flexibility is meaningless without structure, substance, consistency. does anyone speak of flexible air? flexible water?
Hi there, like Mikky I would like to know how to practically set those boundaries in action. Especially the minor irritating things. If he cheats, abuses or take drugs, alcohol I would immediately end it.
But what about the smaller “offenses”, how do you deal with those in a reasonable manner and how do you set your bounderies in actions when throwing him out and ending the relationship might be a bit to harsh ?
thank you very much, advice and opinion is much appreciated.
Hi Mikky, Alice, and Lily – I will answer these questions in my post later today.
In the meantime there are a number of articles on boundaries including building boundaries for healthier relationships and 10 fundamental lessons on boundaries in relationships as well as these articles.
Thanks so much for this site! I have had a rough couple of years and this I keep coming back to this site for support and I am never disappointed! It’s funny, I am much stronger when I keep up with this site and the postings, but when I get away, I lose a bit of perspective….
My EUM and I have a child together that is 2 years old…I know there is one article on NC with kids, but it doesn’t much apply to me and I wondered if you had any other ideas concerning kids and dealing with your EUM? My guy is from Pakistan and I am from the states, so we don’t have a normal drop off/pick up deal. I can’t trust him that my baby would not be wisked off to Pakistan. So, for the last 4 months, I have not spoken with him at all on the phone and I only answer texts about our child. So, that goes well, but he wants to call and talk to her and then tries to speak to me when he is on speaker phone. He sees her once a week for an hour or so, and I have been having my friends meet with him so he can visit our daughter. However, sometimes I think maybe this conveys that I am not over him by not being able to see him for the hour? A coupe of times in the past year, I gave in and had to be the one at home with them and then I fell off the wagon bigtime, so can’t trust that I won’t do that again. Especially since we broke up over his family making him choose me or them. They are all moving here and he choose to spend the next 3 or 4 years getting them settled and then he told me he could be with me after he got all of that done. Oh, and of course, his family has sent over his wife from whom he has been separated from for over 5 years and he lives with her. She is here to cook and clean and once they are settled then his mother has agreed to allow him to finally divorce. Writing this, I feel so dumb for getting involved in this in the first place….we were actually married right after college 15 years ago and then divorced. That time I managed to move on, but this baby thing has thrown me for a loop and I am not sure how to manage moving on when he is forever going to be in the background?
He is miserable and I am miserable. I am worried about him ending up doing the EUM thing with our daughter and messing her up for life. However, I am not sure how to allow him access (if I don’t, we will end up in court and as you all probably can guess, he is a charming, smooth talker) but still moving on? If we go to court, he will be awarded visitation and I am not even sure I will be able to make it supervised. So, NC, but how to deal with the visits? Hiring an outside agency is probably out…he ends up making friends with everyone and I am sure he would be able to talk them into something which would expose our daughter to the chance of being unsafe. Though, he is a citizen and has a lot to lose, I would freak out everytime he visited that way…but I don’t think my friends can continue to do this forever….Help!!!! Please!!! Thanks for listening….
CANTSTOPTHEPAIN:
I understand you so well. I was dumped by an AC a few weeks ago. I knew it wasn’t going anywhere after eight months (man-child, severely depressive, never had a regular job, lives on benefits, wants to be a filmmaker one day – he’s 35! -, got kicked out by previous girlfriend for not contributing, no interests other than watching telly etc. etc. etc.).
He, like yours, is super-charming but I must say all of our friends (we share some, but they all prefer me now ha ha!) have sussed him out.
Anyways, he dumped me on Facebook … no, that’s not correct. He didn’t even dump me (I live THREE DOORS from him!). He told everybody on FB that he was ‘single again’. I was told by a friend of mine. Can you imagine? He then messed me around for a week, with yes but no but yes but no but … and then just buggered off completely. Pr*ck.
I’m angry with myself for allowing this bum to dictate my life. But what I’ve done now is: I made an Excel sheet with all dates between today and Christmas. For every day that I stick to certain rules I’ll give myself a golden star, then at the end, I’ll buy myself something totally superfluous, expensive and glitz.
Two great things: setting yourself a goal. That’s a total lifesaver if you feel low. Plus, setting your own standards. My rules are no contact (of course!), no bitching to friends about him, greeting him and EVERYBODY he’s with in a friendly manner if I happen to see him, never volunteering any private info, never getting into any conversations etc.
It is very very empowering. Sometimes challenging, but I think the important thing is that YOU start dictating the rules, and these rules should be good for YOU and only YOU!
“It doesn’t matter if you stand on the table and announce that no-one takes advantage of you – fact is, they do. Saying it’s not so doesn’t make it not so.” NML, thanks so much for writing this article.
I’ve done that for 3 years. Last time he was telling me “how it is” and I said “I get it.” He responded with – LOL, I dont mean to be mean, but you say that every two weeks!”
They are laughing at us. It’s a big joke to them. they know we dont mean it. It has been so very hard to accept reality – and I know I’ve said this many time before – both to him and on this website … but I’m done. I’m hurting but I’m not the wreck I’ve been in the past.
It will hit us all at some point, I think. This guy has been cruel and demeaning to me and insulted both me and my children with his flippant remarks.
He is not the person I painted him to be. I dont want him in my life.
I understand that actions speak louder than words…and that we need boundaries….but my question is how, exactly, do we go about establishing those boundaries AND have a relationship? If a boundary is crossed, such as blowing hot/cold or not calling when they said they would, etc…(not a serious one, like physical abuse, of course), do we end it for good and not look back? Can we only have a lasting relationship with someone who is clairvoyant enough to never cross boundaries that a non-psychic would never even know existed? Isn’t there room for error? Don’t people cross boundaries, unknowingly, until they get to know eachother? I want to make sure I understand this concept…as I’m sure it’ll help in all areas of my life…not just relationships. <3 to all you ladies and much thanks to NML!!!
Nele, THANKS 4 that story, very inspiring and great post NML!
PS, Have cut All Assclowns (and BTW its been a lot of them) out of my life for 6 months now, not dating anyone but myself .. It feels amazing and I highly recommend to anyone going thru “No Contact” to take a man-cleanse to get the toxins out. It feels great! Making the attempt to learn to love myself more (since I dont already know how and then turn around and give myself grief for not knowing) just have the intent to learn.. from there love becomes something to share and not have to “get” from an unavailable assclown…..
DL
Hello grateful for NML:
I so understand what you’re asking … I think one thing many of us have in common is that we simply never bothered with OUR boundaries, so that’s why we fell for these twits in the first place.
You say what if they’re blowing hot & cold or not calling and being generally unreliable, which is not a ‘serious’ boundary-crossing thing like physical abuse. I think it’s a waste of time to grade unacceptability of behaviours – that’s what a lot of our mums did, like ‘well, I think I’d rather stay with this useless rotten excuse of a man, because after all, he isn’t a raging alcoholic like my mate Hilda’s husband’.
Look, if the guy is blowing hot & cold, yes, that’s a boundary crossing, but NO, he doesn’t need to be a clairvoyant to know that it’s unacceptable! He just needs to be a decent human being. Granted, he cannot know stuff such as you hate it if he doesn’t pick up his socks, or you don’t want him to use your favourite Simpsons mug or you can’t stand people raising their voice in an argument. But the basics you should NOT be expected to teach him!!!!
There is room for error, but if somebody is blowing hot and cold, that’s not an error. Even when a relationship hits a rough patch, decent people are still consistent – maybe more muted, but consistent.
What’s helped me was to identify ‘red flags’ – not just in him, mind, but in myself, i.e. it’s a warning sign of in a relationship I start obsessing and waiting by the phone, or I start making excuses for him, or I start rationalising his behaviour that makes me feel uncomfortable. A lot of warning signs are played out in our lives.
That’s my hard-earned wisdom for today lovely ladies!
NEWS! Im about to set a boundary!
Boyfriend of 2 years has told me that he has been invited out with some friends tonight. We’ve had this issue in the past where I feel like Im excluded from his social life and I would like some acknowledgement in that part of his life (ie I exist you know!). Anyway, its his birthday tomorrow and Ive already raised my concern that he is going out again without me. He has said that I should come over afterwards. Well, Im going to tell him that I dont think its right and Ill just see him tomorrow instead. 2 reasons … We’ve discussed this including me issue before and secondly, it makes me feel like an afterthought. Im probably going to get grief for it and get told Im cutting off my nose to spite my face but so be it, its how I feel.
Mikky,
Sounds like you’re on the periphery of his life and he doesn’t seem to have any intention of letting in. How often do you socialize with his friends?
I believe when two people are in a relationship they should be incorporated in all areas-I’ve been there with the ex- not just when it’s convenient. If he is making you a low priority in his life by putting everyone ahead of you, I would consider moving on.
Actions speak louder than words.
NML – WOW… sometimes getting a smack in the face when it’s well deserved is a good feeling – I needed that from you. Thank you… It’s time for me to start showing some compassion for myself and wise up.
FYI – I’m still staying strong – NC is in full effect.
NELE – thank you for your comment, reading your post made me realize there are other situations SO incredibly similar to mine – boundaries being crossed in my “situation” started the very first day with him trying to feel me up after being introduced at a club – and this loser is 37. NML speaks often about RED FLAGS and when you feel/notice them… I felt them and ignored them.
That’s when it all started…. but hearing all the sob stories made me want to reach out further, and had me thinking – “How can he NOT want to be with ME?!?!”
Nele – i see him and my heart completely melts, it’s like he’s so sad, depressed and lonely that it turns me on… he’s over weight, (yes somewhat successful), but socially awkward, and weird. Let me tell you he’s crossed ever boundary and my mouth waters when he’s around… i know… sick (If you go back to my first comment here – i told him to beat it and called him pathetic and worthless….he was the nicest he had ever been and HE SHOWED UP AT MY WORK WITH 2 PAIRS OF NEW SHOES….
NML is right – – there is no making sense of their deluded behaviour…
Now i’ve been surrounding myself with friends and family trying to work on my self-esteem. Staying true to NC, I’m now wondering If i can ever think off him and not feel like i’m sitting in a puddle of water!
I trust NML when she says – “the more you show YOURSELF some love and realize your worth, you will lose your attraction for these guys” I hope so…
I’m the sucker for the Walking Wounded…. and as much as i’m proud of myself for being strong… I still feel bad for him somehow… it’s insane.
Ah, cantstopthepain:
Don’t, don’t, do not beat yourself up – been there done that! All of us, right? My last one is 35, equally depressed and lonely, no job (never had one), but charismatic when he wants to. From his place of loneliness and failure he looks down on everybody.
I so understand the ‘pull’ … I remember situations when I felt this incredibly motherly sympathy for him. But I know that can’t work, it just can’t. And if it does, then one of you (and it’ll be you) will suffer all throughout!
NML is right about that it all starts with self-worth and love. But that still means we have to do the painful breakup thing. I know that putting myself through this pain of completely cutting contact (love the no-contact articles!) is in itself an act of self-love and care. So although I fell for the chump I’m halfway there!
And, NML, something that might be worth exploring in an article. I think especially as women we are susceptible to the ‘Christian’ ideal of love, as in don’t judge, and love is all-suffering and c**p. I found it INCREDIBLY hard to tell myself the truth, namely that I was dating beneath myself. That the fact that I am financially stable, for example, is because I chose to work hard for it. And he just didn’t.
Guess what I did – I went back to the Bible and when I had disabused myself of these silly love-everlasting notions, I found an enormous amount of really helpful info there!
So two weeks ago I was down in the dumps, but then this guy I met on a course got in touch. And I thought, hey, why not. And he seems very much in order – kind, together, job, not pushy. Saturday is the second date! I let him do the running and planning, and he’s happy to.
CANTSTOPTHEPAIN, don’t give up on finding the best solution for yourself. With these guys, the pain will be ongoing. Without them, we only have ourselves to face and to work with, which is SO much better! Rooting for you.
Nele,
You’ve got a fantastic attitude!!! I know you will do well.
Good luck!
Nele – Having a “motherly sympathy” for your AC made me think. I know i’ve been there!! It’s true that in relationships that it’s humanly impossible to be a someones teacher at the same time their lover, i know i tried my hardest up until 3 weeks ago to be both. The incredible “highs” kept me hanging on… even though they were followed by lows that kept me from having strength to get out of bed… i kept pushing.
You are my success story Nele, i’m uber excited about your second date and happy to hear that you’re no longer dating beneath you…
He sounds wonderful. Good luck…
Wondering…
Are you still thinking of your AC? Do you keep NC when he makes contact? How have your feelings for him changed?
Here’s the story:
I’m married, he’s dying of cancer. All that aside, is he still an assclown if he disappears for weeks without an explanation? Reappears with a simple message like, and I quote: “call me. I’ve been”. Yep..not even a completed sentence! So I’m franticically worrying and I call. He won’t call me. He’s reasong being a simple “I can’t call”.
I know everyone has ‘issues’ and insecurities and there are always two sides to the story. But his whole persona tells me that he is an assclown. When you write about the characteristics of the assclown in your articles, it’s so uncanny, because you might as well be describing HIM!
So because of his lack of communication, I’m left questioning the worth of our relationship. I’m doubting my own intuition and I’m constantly second guessing myself.
I feel like he just likes to keep me there for the sake of having me there. He’s full of great words and wonderful promises..but never really comes through on those promises. If I sacrifice everything and put myself out there, I think..I know…this guy will burn me good.
Help??!!
Loving Annie had an excellent blog post about this that I can’t seem to find now. I vaguely recall her saying something along the lines of what we really do is we walk away. If someone crosses one of our boundaries, they are telling us with their actions that they think that behavior is ok, which is a serious indication that they don’t share the same values. That’s a good point. For me, that’s a giant red flag flapping in the breeze.
Depending on how egregious the boundary violation is, I could walk or I could give them one more chance, letting them know that they had crossed a boundary. If they are a person of good character that cares about me, they will be willing to listen and consider modifying their behavior. If they can demonstrate that they are willing to work with me, I will work with them. If it continues to happen, I just walk. I chalk it up to not being fundamentally compatible in the values department. Besides, life is short and there are a thousand other things I would rather be doing than trying to get some guy to treat me better. It’s never worth it.