If you want to get a good sense of what your needs are, take a good look at the company you keep in your relationships. While you can do this with all of your relationships romantic and otherwise, you will find that it’s in the interactions where you feel most vulnerable and where you’re most concerned with your ‘worth’ that you get a true sense of not only what your needs (and values) are, but how you truly feel about you.
I frequently hear from BR readers who have great solid friendships and possibly even a loving family… and a rap sheet of shady relationships that makes you wonder if they’re leading a double life. This inconsistency with ‘identities’ happens because people have a funny habit making exceptions and busting their own boundaries when there’s love, sex, validation and a projected future at stake.
I used to be like this. I have long, enduring friendships stretching back to when I was ten, yet I couldn’t choose a decent guy to save my life. I thought that ‘love’ was basically having no boundaries and feeling tormented by my feelings as well as the drama and anxiety.
When you don’t understand who you are, which includes your needs, values, expectations and desires, and you’re possibly reactive and seeking a ‘type’ that stimulates you in the fireworks department, you tend to find yourself waking up in a relationship that leaves you hungry.
As you didn’t necessarily go through the discovery phase of dating and basically have an awareness of looking out for consistent actions, interactions and experiences that would indicate being able to satisfy your needs, you may assume that what drew you initially to them as well as the content of the honeymoon period means that you ‘should’ be able to rustle up the missing parts and fill what may be a growing void. It will feel confusing because you’ll have built up these feelings and expectations and yet you no longer have a relationship that’s able to satisfy your needs and that you feel confident about moving forward with plus you may begin to question whether it ever had it in the first place, but feel confused about what was real and what was fake.
When we recognise that our needs aren’t being met by someone with whom we feel emotionally, sexually, spiritually, and physically bonded with (or even just one of these) plus we may have ties such as living together or hopes built on proposed plans, we expect, rightly or wrongly, that they can be met and that the other party will be willing because they’re bonded too. Then we feel incredibly hurt and rejected when they don’t because we think, But we’re already together. If they say these things and if they do this and that, why don’t they want to at least attempt to meet my needs? Maybe if I do X,Y,Z or am more A,B,C they’ll do it. What’s wrong with me?
The frustrations we feel about a relationship and the things that we feel or felt were missing, provide a window into understanding ourselves further as well as showing us what we need to give attention to in our own lives whether we’re in a relationship or not.
When we practice being and doing the things that we expect others to be and do for us, we have a far greater level of self-knowledge that makes us hugely aware of who we bring into our lives. We need people that add to what we already do, not subtracting from where we’re already malnourished.
If you tend to neglect you by not treating you with love, care, trust, and respect, any ‘ole person can come along and they can make a fanfare with some hot air and crumbs and it will look like a golden loaf because it is more than what you’re doing for you.
Self-neglect magnifies the contribution and ‘good points’ of those we deem to have power.
We’re easily impressed and tend to be drawn by impressive, often all shirt, no trousers type people who are chat rich, action poor. Everything looks out of context and these people can end up being idolised, when really, they’re just not that special and you’re worth a lot more than you’re giving you credit for.
I used to be terrified of abandonment, which in my mind was being left, not taken care of, not wanted and basically anything that felt like aspects of my childhood. I’ve walked away from people who I’ve known that it was the right thing to do because the whole partnering was toxic and then felt agonised about being away from the very person I’d left! The self-doubt, the guilt, the fear, the pain, the need. Two two’s, I was on the phone, pushing to get back together, or lying in bed feeling tormented by lacerations of ‘abandonment’.
Whether I was bored, lonely, tired, stressed, worried, insecure, needed to make a decision and the list goes on, my ‘solution’ to all of these things was variations of validation seeking. ‘Soothing’ on men had to stop.
All of my previous relationships showed me time and again that I needed to develop an identity and personal security and address the source of my original abandonment. The better I treated me, the more I represented who I was instead of abandoning my identity every time I felt an attraction, the more secure I felt, simply because I knew that I had my back. Being the other woman was like an exorcism (a topic for another day) because it dragged up and out every ugly thought and feeling and by facing all of the pain, something that was oh-so-bad ended up showing me what I needed to be and do.
I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be a priority. I’ve learned that continuing to participate in relationships where you’re deprioritised is a sign that you need to prioritise you in your own life which could include cutting down the people pleasing, not invalidating you, not being with people who carry on like they’re busier than a world leader or who are already in a relationship with someone else, and certainly not going around needing to be needed and playing Florence Nightingale.
If you look at the person you claim to love and what’s looking back at you is someone who doesn’t truly value you, who treats you without love, care, trust and respect and even takes advantage of and even abuses you, it’s time to address how you feel about and treat you because if you did, putting up with someone who treats you in a less-than manner would be unacceptable. You’d know what love, care, trust, respect and security felt like and you wouldn’t trade it for the hollow cake with stale icing that is a pain filled relationship.
When you’re willing to positively learn from the insights gained, each dating and relationship experience is actually taking you closer and closer to a mutually fulfilling relationship where your needs are met within it and also independently by you. That’s why I always say that you shouldn’t fear so-called ‘mistakes’ – they’re often feedback that if you listen without judging your worth, they pave the way to a relationship that’s more befitting of you.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1083 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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That was me down to a tee. Always thought be all and end all was having a fella requardless how they treated you .i put up with right shitty behaviour because basically to scared to go it alone . I have done nearly a month of nc and no snooping on fb and i do feel better . Though today i lookedat his mums page and she had put a status wishing so and so a happy new yr etc . Shes part of family , it was a punch in guts and then i thought how insensitive to the ex wide they been apart a couple of nmonths and the mums done that cant she spare her a thought . Then it struck me she backing her shady sons behaviour up no wonder hes a natrsisct ac . Mum has got to suport her arsehole of a son . Everyone eles thinks ges a arsehole ! I know tiredwhy you looking a rare moment of madness that yep has sent me down , tired ticking the days off on her calander for nc how stupid is that , is that twatt going oh its so many days since i heard from good ole doormat i bloody well doubt it . So kick in pants received and onwards but im sorry if i let you down but so e days i feel because i wasnt goid enough didnt have a bigger house , flasher car etc etc . And i can see all the shitty behaviour he dished out and i just wish i could have dump him on hos sorry arse for someone so much better and rubbed his face in it .!!
Tired,
You know what’s waaaaaay better than dumping his sorry ass for someone so much better??? Dumping his sorry ass period!
And BTW, you actually did dump his sorry ass for someone waaaaay better…YOURSELF.
@ Tired.
You are rubbing his face in rejection of him NOW. Be glad of that. Stop thinking about him, anything or anyone to do with him. He is not your problem. Actually he never was. You made it that way. Keep at it. You’ll get there. I’m supporting your efforts.
Boy, I sure have a lot to say lately. But, Nancy, please do not spend any time with this man. He is unhealthy mentally and PHYSICALLY. Do you want to get a disease from him? I think not. Go NC and move on. No back-tracking either. He is sick in more ways than one.
I was bullied quite badly between ages 11-16, it made me very depressed at the time but since then 9I am now 29) I never felt that it had affected me, but since the split with my ex, I am wondering whether this contributed to a fracturing of my identity – the break up with my ex has taught me that I am a people pleaser and that I fear rejection and look to other for validation and I am trying to trace why and how this emerged- not sure if I am barking up the wrong tree with this though
Marie i was bullied at school for being fat , yes it effects your confidence later on . But you can overcome this . I still doubt myself but i am now getting stronger and so will you . Youre 29 , smile you have fpund here earlier than me .you got a head start on being a beautiful connfident women from today . Im 43 and i wish id found here years ago.
Tinkerbell thankyou for your support , all that have posted i continue nc and no snooping , thanks thats helped me look at it in a diff light , i am rejecting his sorry arse , and he knew id sussed him out so let him squander in his inly option , im moving on and being everything i wanted to be and ill alwYs reject his sorry sotty arse ! Lolx
Grizelda, have you watched 500 days of summer, not really a romance technically but shows the danger of fantasy relationships wonderfully
When I was married, I fell into the trap of doing all I could to appease my ex-husband because I thought he would eventually realize what he wasn’t doing and try to follow my lead. I loved him so much and realized it would never be reciprocated. However, I thank God everyday that I went through that experience. It forced me to look at myself and re-evaluate who I was.
holding on to the following for dear life:
When you’re willing to positively learn from the insights gained, each dating and relationship experience is actually taking you closer and closer to a mutually fulfilling relationship where your needs are met within it and also independently by you. That’s why I always say that you shouldn’t fear so-called ‘mistakes’ – they’re often feedback that if you listen without judging your worth, they pave the way to a relationship that’s more befitting of you.
I now know I was a pleaser as a child and put others needs before my own. A relationship I had in my twenties with the man for whom I was his childhood sweetheart was a real hot and cold affair. This set me up for emotionally unavailable men. I am good to myself and look after myself be it clothes, pampering, holidays, concert tickets, my riding and don’t mind being on my own. I find happiness in a lot of different things particularly my cats but know myself better and what I will/won’t tolerate. It is interesting how if you enforce boundaries other people turn it round as if you are the problem. I am feisty because I won’t take any shit especially from men. Yes I have days when I remember being married and sharing time together but then I also remember the affairs/emotional abuse and being lonely in the marriage when he froze me out. I know that it is better to be alone than with the wrong man. My life is a pretty good all told and I am grateful for that.
So many men in the 40/50 age bracket play games because they haven’t sorted their baggage and bounce into one relationship after another to validate who they are or to run away from life/their past and their responsibilities thus repeating a behaviour pattern that fails. At some point these men will wonder why they are alone but we will know why that is and that we are better without them in our lives.
I now have boundaries for dating learnt through experience and reflection:
1)If I have to ring the man to set up the first contact i.e. he gives me his number it is no go. This = lazy as if there is no effort at the beginning then there will be none down the line and I don’t buy being shy or fearing rejection = bullshit.
2) I don’t expect to have to ring to confirm arrangements for a date, the man should be doing that = laziness on his part.
3) Mention of meeting the right woman if single a long time = red flag
4) Mention of health problems on an early date = red flag
5) Keeps his own counsel = loner = red flag
6) No interests = red flag
7) Showering with compliments, sexual innuendos and very heavy flirting early on = player out for sex = red flag
8) Listen to what is being said as most men give clues or even say directly what they are about/interested in and if he has his guard up = emotionally unavailable. You need to be open to be emotionally available.
9)Listen to my gut instincts they are always right
10) Don’t be afraid to question something that is said or reflect it back even on a later occasion rather than being too polite.
11)Be allergic to bullshit on the diet!!
12) Don’t be afraid to set my stall out early on to filter out time wasters and EU men. This paid dividends when a player bailed on me after one date saving me a lot of grief and being used for his agenda.
If this causes a man to run then so be it but a genuine man will not be afraid to answer for his actions/words and show he is worth the time of day. Let some other woman have the problem of the AC/EUM. I have learnt this also via Nat’s excellent blogs and her book as finding the site helped me understand a hot and cold marriage. I had so many light bulb moments in realisation I nearly short circuited! I don’t need a man in my life to define who I am as a person or a woman. Whilst I can’t stop men finding me attractive and wanting me for sex I can filter out as I know that I only want to have a quality relationship, nothing else will do or interest me i.e. nothing casual, no booty calls etc. as I won’t sell myself short now.
“I don’t need a man in my life to define who I am as a person or a woman.”
Perfect!!!!!
oh Feistywoman.. RIGHT ON!!
You had me at #1! I thought that was something that was only common in men in their 30s (i.e. guys a few years younger than me). No, it’s an epidemic.
I don’t know what it IS about single men in their 40s and 50s but BOY is this getting tiresome! I’m all for women’s liberation and equality between the sexes, but when men put us in the role of having to “take charge” just so they can sit back be coy and pretend the whole thing is “our idea” – that’s not equality. It’s mind-f*ckery.
A lovely woman in her 50s recently said something that chimes in harmony with what you said, as well as what Nat has said on her blog. Women have to stop setting themselves out on the “clearance” rack and instead place themselves with the fine china. We have to treat ourselves like the lovely, special people we are – beautiful and worthy of respect.
This is something that I’ve learned the hard way. I’m starting to realize that my priorities were all out of whack. It’s not having a man in our lives that makes us “complete”, it’s having rich and fulfilling (true) friendships, and feeling that we’re special and worthy whether we’re single or not.
I’m learning (slowly) that it’s much better to be alone than in a “relationship” that makes me feel anxious and empty. NC has felt awkward, and it seems like it’s been ages (when it’s only been 2 weeks) but I know I can do this.
I feel more control of my life and my heart now than I have in a while. While I’m not entirely sure what I “want” in a partner now – I know what I DON’T want and what I will no longer accept.
The BS detectors are now fully operational.
Well I am fine china, never saw my self as clearance material lol! Trouble is you always get a man who likes to punch above his weight and goes for the fine china when he is really clearance material!
I think it is sad that men feel so insecure they have to leave the woman in charge and fail to lead on dates etc. The only ones who seem to are players/womanisers but even then they will ask the woman to check in to verify her interest. Sorry but my free phone minutes can be put to better use than letting a lazy man off the hook. I also feel that if a man can’t be bothered to dress up for a date when the woman does i.e. not wear jeans that says a lot about him indicating laziness and a failure to treat the woman with respect.
I am in this stage right now. I was set free from an incredibly frustrating relationship five months ago and honestly, I feel good about being by myself because being by myself has really taught me about the importance of boundaries and standards and I have to say that God led me to your book Natalie, and I’m really glad I found it. If anyone told me five years ago that your relationships have a close link to who you are as a person and that you shouldn’t conform to anything that doesn’t make you comfortable, i would have just laughed. I understood that as well as addressing issues that I had. I also had to address issues within the home and issues within my childhood and how certain situations could have impacted on me, without me knowing it.
I feel more free knowing that there is nothing wrong with being a strong woman who expects nothing but the best from a future partner. I definitely want to find love one day but I will never put myself in a position where it is far from mutual.
No more Florencing and a fulfilling,healthy relationship will come my way. I just know it.
On a very different note, I’m also very curious about how the message that we receive from family can potentially contribute to an unhealthy relationship. I have literally been encouraged to work things out on a relationship that no longer works (believe me, I worked it out for 4 years and the same issue persists…nothing actually changed), or that, even though one may find years later that a marriage didn’t work out, “Well, at least you still have kids!” O_o Potentially emotionally unhealthy kids, maybe! (I know, because I was, and to a degree, still am, one.)
I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong, but isn’t there such a thing as attributing a bit too much to a bad childhood, horrible parenting, etc? Pyschologists are always singing that song, “You do this because of your chilhood. You think that way because of your childhood”. We, imo, seem to become brainwashed that too much happens to us because of our childhood. But, your growth physically and emotionally has not been stunted. What about what’s going on in your life years and years later. Like NOW? Any thoughts. I welcome sharing.
Hi, everyone,
I think that what our parents do is huge, but not just because of them. I believe that we then internalize the abuse; make value judgments against ourselves; and practice the same behaviour against ourselves and we set ourselves up for the continuation of the same abuse.
My father abandoned me and let me know I wasn’t important to him in a thousand ways. I think that he was just a narcissist going after the light he saw in me and I am TRYING to forgive him.
He purposefully and systematically set me up for a lifetime of pain, in order to deal with his own pain and anguish.
He was very sick, but managed to call his granddaughter, my brother’s child, (mine don’t rate), to sing happy birthday to her. How sweet! In my life I don’t have one memory like that, so I realize that he WAS capable of loving a little girl, just not me or my child.
I learned to abandon myself: treat myself with less than respect and put myself down. I didn’t demand respect from others and have let people walk over me and put me down, b/c I was taught that they know better and are worth more than I am. I was also completely terrified to be alone.
So, I would absolutely continue to attract people who abandon me and treat me like I am not worthy of their time and respect.
I am 3 weeks’ NC, and am sooo much better, but have been completely exhausted and have had a case of eczema that has really been bad (decreased immune system). The aftermath of my last 2 relationships has worn me out like no other experience in my life and I have been through a lot. I see, now, why some women in these relationships get really sick.
My Dad just died and I couldn’t physically fly across the Atlantic for the funeral. I couldn’t even wrap my mind around trying. I hope my mother will forgive me, but I couldn’t take on any abuse and I couldn’t listen to what a wonderful guy he was just now, when my life is in shambles-always has been-b/c of his abuse and neglect, at least initially.
So, I believe I must be aware of it, process it, try to let it go, but mostly, learn to change everything that I am doing and learn to love me, talk to me, listen to me, respect, honour, and encourage me and meet my needs, even if I feel silly and selfish sometimes. It is not selfish. It is absolutely essential to NC, healing and having a life and a future-which I do, now. The ball is in MY court. I just have to take care of me.
love and hugs,
Eponine,
3 weeks NC. I am NEVER going back, but I see the difference, now, in my health and life with him (before) and now without him!
Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.
@Tinkerbell: I agree with your points. I think the childhood could have affected you more if you didn’t know that that’s what it was doing, but once you’re aware of it, you can start working on learning healthier behavior. For ex. once I realized I was doing something as a defense mechanism, I stopped it, because it wasn’t necessary anymore. I also know of someone who went through the same horrible experiences I did growing up, but instead of internalizing it and blaming themselves, like I had, they just shrugged it off and keep on doing what they want to do.
Great point Tinkerbell – I remember reading once a book (he was either a psychologist or a psychiatrist – anyways, someone ”in the knows”
saying exactly the same thing -”so if you think that your mother is the problem – let’s bring HER on the couch and it will resolve YOUR problem” I don’t deny that people are hurt by childhood experiencies – my heart goes out to all of you – but we (hopefully) grew up and we have a ”saying” into that, no ?
A great video about Grown Wounded Children – thank you to the person who introduced me to this over here on BR – I learned so much from you all.
Hugs all the way from Canada
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QC2sewmrjvs
I think there’s a difference between using your childhood “wounds” as a crutch or an excuse vs. refusing to acknowledge that having a troubled family history could have anything to do with your toxic relationship history.
I had a multi-year relationship with a very broken AC who never stopped blaming his terrible childhood for his poor emotional regulation, horrific boundaries, and drinking problem. That’s all I ever heard from him (was how his parents did this, and that to him, etc.)
On the other hand, I met quite a few women in a (codependency) recovery program who didn’t want to think that their childhood was the cause of their bad relationship patterns. They just wanted to blame (and shame) themselves.
I think the answer is somewhere in the middle. My siblings have the same parents, but yet they’ve been able to find fulfilling and happy marriages. Obviously I’m wired differently and/or experienced my parents differently from my siblings.
Personally? I know that my problems come from trying to be a people pleaser. This goes back to my mom who was impossible to please, was (and is) hot and cold, and was never.. ever.. validating. My dad was absent a lot because of work – so naturally that plays into it too. Nobody had my back, so that’s what I got “used to”.
Took decades to figure that out, and now I’m trying to integrate that knowledge into real life. It’s not easy – it’s like trying to learn how to write with an opposite hand, but I know I just have to keep trying or continue being miserable.
Brenda. This guy is a TOTAL LOSER & PLAYA. You were on the right track when you changed yr ph number. NC him HARD & don’t back down. The gall of him trying to pressure you into sexual behaviour which is not your cup of tea is OUTRAGEOUS. I’d be FURIOUS. GET RID OF HIM, BELIEVE YOURSELF & take care of yourself & your daughter. PRICKS like that asshole are a waste of space. Don’t let him shit in your life with a nanosecond more of his BS! YOU DESERVE MORE. T x
I have been approached by childhood sweetheart. Ooh! Must go off and read Nats”returning childhood sweetheart post. Anyhoo,must share, his fakebook message reads, amongst other things,
“Got a son, left his mum.”
and “Now married with a stepson but am temporarily separated as I have been unwell.”
” I have had to leave my career as I didn’t fit in with the new managements autocratic ways.”
” We should meet up, that would be mad.”
Red Flags anyone?
Can I tell you, especially you Natalie, if you happen to be reading, that before I was BR-Educated, I would NOT have been able to translate this. I would have thought, “ooh, yes, he was hot, and he is clearly single. He must have been treated really badly by his ex employer and now his wife doesn’t want to take care of him because he is ill, what a bitch she must be….I bet I could take much better care of him. Think I’ll just message him back and make it clear I am up for pretty much anything he cares to throw at me.”
Not now. Take good care of yourself childhood sweetheart, cos I ain’t gonna bother! And that is what we call progress
Tonight I want very much that the man I am trying to stay away from, will call me and pursue me and make it alright. Like Nat said the person I am trying to stay away from, because the relationship hurts me, is the man I seek soothing from.
It’s been four years and I have been asking him to meet my needs for a long time. The more I ask, the more he says he cannot meet them, because I am now argumentative. We’ve had many break ups and then he says he can’t live without me and promises me marriage. Once I am safely in his arms/bed he makes no effort to progress the relationship. I could go on and on, but I do love him and it’s breaking my heart.
It hurts to believe all he wants is a ‘special friend’. He wants us to be ‘living apart together’. I feel like I lost myself almost begging him to love me enough. I haven’t seen him for three weeks, but we’ve had a couple of telephone conversations. He usually texts or calls me near the weekend, because Saturday night was ‘our’ night together. That was me going to his house, sitting snuggling on the sofa, then sex. THAT plus one holiday together pretty much sums up our four years.
This is giving me strength, thanks.
Oh my God, that so describes me in some places!
I have never been in a relationship and have just turned 39. Whilst being very independent this does sometimes get me down, especially around February 14th…
I always go for men where nothing can happen, and would love to be able to know why I am like this (eg. is it because I never had a father figure in my childhood? Am I too fussy? Or am I just scared?) but more importantly I’d really love to know how to get out of this cycle. Maybe I will come on one of your workshops. Thanks Natalie.
Kitty can I recommend Natalies book, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. I feel sure you will find the answers there. I know I did.
And to Ann, you are living on a crumb diet and have been made to feel grateful for the tiny bits of validation you get from this man. Please get out and save yourself. You will NOT be able to see this situation for what it really is until you put some distance between you by going totally NC.
My only comment (for now?) is thank you for the extra food for thought.
HELLO ALL,
I HAVE BEEN BLESSED AND STRENGHTENED BY THIS ARTICLE AND THE RESPONSES. I HAVE INITIATED NC AND LOVING AND RESPECTING ME….BETTER..NEVER BITTER
BE STRONG…..I NOW SEE MY OWN STRENGHT….
Super post. Thank you so much Natalie.
I love the optimism at the end. If all these mistakes can help us find love for ourselves and another then they are worth it. This is great to hear. Much better than looking back on mistakes as a waste of time.
[...] relationship with you but then try to make them available, it becomes increasingly obvious that your needs cannot be met but you keep lowering your expectations, desires and needs to make it ‘easier’ for them [...]
A guy speaking here, and I’ve been reading this wonderful forum for reassurance and comfort. A lot of this resonates and is helping me through my depression
I’m still reeling from a 2 month relationship that HIT ME HARD (yes I know 2 months, outrageous..) with a girl who basically hugely disrespected me and abused my trust – forcing me to walk out on her on 2012 New Year Eve in the middle of a party. The girl basically took drugs in front of me and this is the reason why I walked.
I am in NC now (2 weeks) after having to get my possessions back, which was a feat in itself.
You could argue my boundaries had been crossed earlier in the relationship, where there were red flags that I chose to pass by and park but they didn’t go unnoticed. I gave the benefit of the doubt (in fact I should have trusted my gut instinct when excuses were being made that “didn’t add up” over the first month – I won’t go into those now)
We had an amazingly intense bond regardless of how short the relationship was with a simply pure attraction and a feeling of deep connection (spent a lot of time together every other day, staring into eyes when we were together, and constant texts, pictures etc). The girl was incredibly pretty, slightly immature and a little lost with her life/career, but seemed to have a heart of gold. She also went out of her way to care – by cooking meals, looking after me with man-flu…this was hugely important. It simply was all too good to be true (red flag maybe…).
One of the deep rooted problems with her was she was from a party lifestyle, who was very much used to taking recreational drugs over her twenties but claimed she wanted to leave that scene desperately have a normal life with a normal guy such as me, doing normal nice activities and not getting blotto. She wanted change and I decided to believe her. She reassured me many times that this was still the case throughout the relationship and knew how strongly I felt about drugs and how against it I was.
(I know what you’re thinking now, why on earth would I want to get involved with someone who was destined to be a car crash..)
The relationship accelerated very quickly into month 2 as boyfriend & girlfriend (we are both in our thirties btw and had been in successful relationships before so its not like I was naive or totally blinkered). It was lovely when we were together. Incidentally, I have had many relationships in the past but this relationship “felt” different. I was falling big time and it seemed she was too.
Looking back in review, red flags were frequently appearing… and I’ll mention the obvious ones.
Despite all the people she introduced me to (who adored me), her brother had apparently said I wasn’t “right for her” (I have no idea why) and she ended up breaking up for a day, purely for this reason. This was really odd and didn’t make sense. We ended up resolving things but it resulted in me feeling like I had done something wrong – I felt like I had been persecuted. It didn’t add up.
I started feeling perplexed and anxious. The whole relationship was tiring me out as it felt like I was constantly having to prove myself and it was never her issues that needed confronting. I felt uncomfortable. She never apologised for even silly little things. It was all about her.
There were no arguments, but I seemed to have to revolve around this girls life and lifestyle. I was invited to everything and everybody, and pretty much shown off as her other half. There was however no interest in my family who I wanted her to meet, or even my friends. I was fed a constant stream of texts, images of herself, updates on what she was doing. Even though intoxicating, and this bludgeon of affection and interest probbaly got me hooked, the narccisism was rife in hindsight. This was a serious female ego.
Anyway – long story short, the girl continued to use drugs (not obviously around me) regardless of the trust we’d promised. To this day I’m unsure of how blotto she really was – what was sober and what wasn’t?
I almost walked out before in month 1, but was coaxed back to bed saying it was a mistake and she wouldn’t do it again and how she didn’t want to lose me. To this day I have no idea how much she was doing but her whole life revolved around people into the same grubby scene so it was never going to be a clean exit for her.
After walking out on her I felt very, very depressed, I sent a message stipulating what I saw was going on, and how I couldn’t go out with anyone who did drugs and chose them over me, despite our long conversations about the subject and how much she deeply said she wasn’t going to do them. And there I sat on NYE, 5 to midnight, on my lonesome, wondering whether I did the right thing by ejecting myself from something I felt so strongly against.
I even tried negotiating with her the next day to try and remedy things – hoping she would apologise for her actions and see what she had done. There was none – she turned the whole thing around and made me feel like I abandoned her, and noone has ever done this before. Absolutely no admittance to any wrong doings herself or remorse on the impact it had on me.
This is where I should have seen what was going on in the relationship all along: Regardless of the drugs use (which I detested) and also the friends she associated (unsavoury types), regardless of the effort I went to with Xmas presents (and were not recipicated), regardless of my morals and feelings that were ignored, I still adored her.
With her narccistic actions, her unwillingness and denial to admit her failings, the irrational unreasoning “cocaine is less dangerous than cigarettes and alcohol – they are drugs too” argument and how I need to work on “my temper” etc. it was bewildering. Staggering infact. I had done nothing wrong but stood up for what I thought was right and acted gentlemanly throughout our relationship. I had never argued and was always positive and I went out of my way hugely for her. All I did was eject myself out of something that was morally wrong because it felt so wrong.
The aftermath allowed me to do some soul searching and piece together facts and information I’d remembered over the relationship, and what I resolved was that she is a classic narcicist, had abuse issues reaching back to adolescence (fact) and was of course a drug user – mainly perhaps to smother these aspects in her life. And with me she frequently drip fed the truth as and when it suited her. When it didnt work out for her in the way this “man” was intended to – it was easy for her to turn the situation around and blame me and say “we were incompatible”. Easy way out.
The odd thing is I still feel like I’ve lost something really important even when my logic states I dodged a bullet with her.
Sorry for your pain. what you did took courage, even if it feels bad. Your friend has an addiction disease, and until she deals with it , is unavailable to have a relationship.
stay strong and move on.
@ Deekthecat,
So sorry for the pain and suffering you are going through…keep going, it will get better. You say you feel as if you lost something really important though logically you know you saved yourself and your sanity…What you have lost is not real, she projected her self-importance on you and made you believe she is something so special, but she is not. You have also lost all the attention you were used to via the texting and pictures, another way that she made you feel important. Now you are faced with the stillness and that is what hurts so much. Hang in there, it will get better
I especially like how you said, “When we practice being and doing the things we expect others to be and do for us…” because it makes it seem more doable, thinking of *practicing*, rather than having to be suddenly perfect at it. It makes it seem like this an ability I can develop if I work at it.
I had a slight epiphany a year ago when I got an unexpected text from EUM. I felt kind of divided–part of me wanted to be ecstatic, but then there was kind of a little voice that whispered something like, “Whatever (happiness/fulfillment, etc.) I get from *him*, I should be doing for myself–I actually already contain it.” But yet the wonderful feelings only occurred around *him*. We can change this.