I regularly come across people who recognise that they’ve either been in similar types of relationship with same type of person, different package, or that regardless of who they’ve been involved with, they’ve had a pattern of seeing of seeing themselves as ‘less than’, people-pleasing, and accepting crumbs while having little to no boundaries. Each will express their frustrations and have a genuine desire to not go through the same pain again, and yet when I suggest that they take a temporary hiatus from dating and relationships, it’s crickets.
Let’s get clear on what a dating and relationship hiatus is: It’s basically putting your romantic activities on pause so that you can take time to not only break a pattern but to also get to know you, so that when you do re-open your romantic doors, that you are coming from a healthier place. The hiatus is to take time out for you and hopefully you’ll use it well and give you the opportunity to be and do the things that tend to take a backburner due to the latest relationship.
What it isn’t, is a prison sentence.
It should be a positive choice to take time out, not the equivalent of being put on the naughty step, because if you’re effectively sulking, stropping, and feeling hard done by, mindset affects actions so you’re not going to be behind your decision as you’ll be undermining it instead.
Now just so we’re clear, dating and relationship hiatuses tend to be 3-6 months, sometimes longer and they are an investment in your future.
Think of them as a detox. You can let go of all the bullshit, get a clear head and some perspective so you can own your own and let others own theirs instead of taking ownership of other people’s feelings and behaviour, plus you can be free of the burden that many people give themselves of either waiting to be chosen by someone or being a performing seal and trying to convince and convert.
After your ‘detox’, you can re-enter the dating world bright-eyed and bushy tailed, as well as personally secure because if you commit to your decision, you will also be far less likely to accept crumbs in future because you’ll have been a responsible provider and supporter of you – why would you accept less than what you can already do for yourself? You’ll want someone that adds to your life, not detracts from it.
There are a hell of a lot of positives to taking a hiatus and yet, so many of us are resistant to taking time out because we’re afraid of the opportunity cost, namely that if we take time out, it’s going to cost us the opportunity of the relationship we want.
We also don’t see the wood for the trees because not only would we rather engage in the relationship insanity of carrying the same baggage, beliefs, and behaviours, while choosing variations of the same people and then expecting different results, but we’re acting as if we cannot afford to spend around 12-24 weeks of our lives to focus on ourselves. Some people can barely go a week without collecting attention somewhere – it’s no wonder it feels as if our lives are collapsing when we experience disappointment if we’re that afraid of being in our own company.
What we forget though, is that there’s no such thing as a choice without an opportunity cost, but also that if we effectively make a choice on the basis of getting something that requires that we make another choice first, that we will not be able to attain that something without making the uncomfortable but very necessary choice.
When we won’t take proper time out, we decide that we know better than even listening to ourselves and that we’ll take a shortcut and juggle sorting ourselves out and seeking/being in a relationship. We decide that we don’t have time. In truth, we’re not really getting our emotional house in order because we’re hoping that if things work out okay with the relationship, that we won’t need to.
There’s no such thing as the perfect time and conditions but there is such a thing as recognising that the optimal time and conditions to date are when you have a decent relationship with you. If you can’t date with your self-esteem (and your head) in tow, take some time out and don’t date until you can.
It is hard when we’re faced with this decision but it’s much tougher to be battling your insecurities inside a relatively new relationship and not being able to differentiate between what’s projections, and what’s real. If you’ve skipped the hiatus despite knowing that you don’t trust you, that you’re afraid to have boundaries, or are even still not over your ex, you have to step up and take responsibility. When I went through this back in the early months with Em, I realised that I’d rather step up and know that if it didn’t work out, I’d given it my best shot in the present. I had to have enough self-control to listen to my feelings and pay attention to what was actually being said, not the drama in my head. 9 out of 10 times I was reacting to the past and it is not worth behaving like this 100% of the time for the one time you ‘might’ be right because you learn nothing and you breach both theirs and your boundaries.
You have a duty of care to you and the relationship and now that you’ve made the choice, you need to own it and do the work that comes with it – making it your priority to do whatever it takes to get your head straight including professional support if need be, being conscious, aware, and present, and so recognising where you’re being ‘triggered’ and responding consciously instead of on autopilot, differentiating between internal and external fear as well as fear vs knowledge, and basically getting into reality.
If you’re single, have a pattern of being in unhealthy relationships or a pattern of not liking you and yet you’re scared of going on a break, that’s a really good sign that you need the break!
Your thoughts?
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Amazing post and exactly what I needed to read right now. I’ve been taking a break from dating for 3 and a half months now (have even been terming it my ‘dating hiatus’!).
It’s very much needed as my last couple of involvements with men were unmitigated disasters and I really struggled as you describe to work out what was real and what was in my head.
Despite being aware that I’m not emotionally ready to be in a relationship, I do sometimes feel that being alone is a punishment and question why I’m doing it to myself. My past habit was to jump from one relationship straight into another so this is the first time I’ve been so single for years.
Your post reminded me of why I’m doing this!
I was married for 21 years. Divorced. Was alone for 3 years. Then fell for a guy that wasn’t ready to be in a relationship “right now”. Blew hot and cold. Never tried to have sex with me but kept me around for some reason. Now he’s disappeared. I’m almost 50 and don’t know if I can do this anymore. It hurts so much. BUT I’ve read the book 4 times now and I just cannot accept crumbs anymore. I’d rather be alone then go through that again. Thanks for writing it. I had no idea I wasn’t alone in this BS.
Hang in there Laura. Don’t think about your age, just get out there and create the kick ass life you always dreamed of having. Don’t wait around for a guy–go hiking, volunteer, travel, write a book, learn new things, have so much fun that you actually get irritated when the next man comes along because you are having so much fun on your own!!
Things I have been doing lately (and I am 53): learned French, learned how to smoke and can salmon, joined Coast Guard Auxiliary, started sewing my own skirts, painted my house, refinished my floors myself including running a floor sander, went clam digging, and now I am applying for a scholarship so I can take some more classes. Hang in there Laura, and make the most of your life, you deserve it xoxox Oregon Girl
I am so happy to say that I just got awarded the scholarship. I will be studying at Oxford University this summer!
Oregon Girl,
Glad to hear the good news. Have a fabulously sunny and fun time at Oxford.
Cheers to you!
I am going through almost the same thing in my life Laura. My husband of 21 years walked out on me and the two girls, thank God i was financially independent. Then i got into a relationship with a nut. It was like going from the frying pan into the fire. I will be 50 years next year , have not been in a relationshipsince the past two years and sometimes wonder if my life is over.So guess you got company.
Oregon Girl, Fantastic!!!!
Ann, You are financially independent and have two beautiful daughters, why in the world would your life be over? Please do not make your happiness about another individual, but create it for you and your children. Like Oregon, get out and explore new activities and people, from there, much positive will follow, mainly, self worth.
I was just about to end my dating hyatis with dinner and a movie, but my date-to-be lost her cell phone, and since she didn’t call to confirm the date, I e-mailed her and begged off. Then I ignored her for a few days and last night she texted to say she still wants to meet me. I said sure, let’s meet this week for coffee. No dinner, no movie this time…now it’s coffee.
She’s supposed to text me tonight to firm up the meeting date & time.
If she doesn’t, she can go and blow hot and cold with someone else.
🙂
I love this post. After my last ‘dating’ experience which was more of a casual relationship turning into some sort of commitment which ended up not working out, I am taking some time to myself.
This is especially hard though because since I am 30 in my culture I am close to being expired goods. Every time I speak to my mom or any of my friends, its always, “So, anyone new?” And its that age where all your friends are getting married and you are attending like at least 2 weddings a year. GRR…
And honestly, part of me honestly fears that I will be childless (I actually do want children). But, I also feel like Im falling in love with myself all over again. And that outweighs all the other fears. If I don’t take this time for myself, I will never have healthy relationships. And being single is awesome. I feel more confident and empowered everyday! So thanks Nat! This was truly needed today!
Good post Natalie,
For the last year I have concentrated on just healing myself, on losing the anxiety and the depression from what the AC put me through. I actually am not interested in dating for quite a while I would say..I am enjoying just being a mum to a teenager and a young adult, I am enjoying being by myself, knowing I can do what I want when I want to, spend the money I earn without being questioned about it, reading when I want to (wasn’t allowed to with him as he didn’t like my attention not being constantly on him) god he was tiring, so bloody tiring and I didn’t realise it until I got tired of being tired, health failing etc.
I am 52 and I have always been in relationships, married for 22 years and then straight into two quite bad long term relationships for the last ten years where I really seemed to lose my way.
I just want to be alone now and if it’s for ever I actually think I am okay with that, I have friends and family and that is all I need right now, it may change in the future, who knows, but I am certainly not going to stress about being single. In fact when I woke up this morning I felt contented and happy, something that I had not felt for such a long, long time…so yay me!
Hi Sandy,
I know just how you feel. I was married for 25 years, then after my divorce I dated two men that were just like my ex: alcoholic, controlling, verbally abusive. So now I’m just trying to really enjoy my alone time. Having fun WITHOUT THEM is the best revenge! They certainly can’t manage without us!!
Hi Oregon Girl,
That’s so true!! I think he thought I would fall apart without him but I have gone from strength to strength, you don’t realise how much they suck out of you until they are no longer there to do that!
Very needed post indeed! I used to take 6-9 months break in dating. The difference now (I am 2,5 month postbreakup and not dating) is that I am finally learning to be comfortable by myself and processing everything that contributed to my failed relationships – 3 of them in the last 8 years (mainly me picking and sticking to unavailable people). I am healing for the first time in my life. I feel like I am in a relationship rehab.
In my previous single times I used to feel empty. I never processed what went wrong. Even those one night stands after I didn’t feel too good about myself. I never asked why. I just felt depressed afterwords and sexuality remaining unsatisfied. I just thought I had a curse and my personal life just will never work out. I thought it was my fate to meet jerks. So I was lonely and desperate for attention, validation, and acceptance, especially after a really long break.
Now, for the first time I am discovering who I am ( I am 36. Better some day than never). I am not ready to date and won’t in some time. Probably 6 months sounds right. Maybe a year. I think it’s whenever one is ready. I now realize it’s important to understand why you want to date again: out of horniness, loneliness, fear, for an ego boost, to “spite” your ex, or out of genuine desire to find a companionship and partnership filled with mutual trust and respect as well as fun times.
The most amazing change or rather changes I see in myself is that now I know for sure what red flags to watch out for during the first dates and the subsequent behavior. I have learned a lot in the last 2,5 months. Thank you, Natalie for sharing your wisdom.
Sofia – thank you for writing ‘its important to understand why you want to date again; out of…’ I have been thinking about dating again but I think its more out of boredom, horniness and loneliness. I am not fully over my ex yet. I also made the mistake of going to a wedding with someone I dated for 3 months like 2 years ago. We are friends…but now I am afraid he may want more. And I don’t want to deal with it. I feel weird when I think about him possibly being interested in me. I don’t like him anymore like that. But with the way I feel I am pretty sure I am not emotionally ready to date.
Lynn, I think that’s the key answer. You are saying, ” I am not emotionally ready.” That tells you that you are not. I am not emotionally ready either. It has been 2,5 months for me after the breakup. While he is seeing other people already probably, I can’t even fathom to start seeing someone. To open up, talk about oneself, learn about someone, do that dating discovery, all of that is a lot of energy. I won’t be ready any time soon. I am still heartbroken. I don’t see myself with anyone at this point. I don’t feel lonely or horny or bored. I think most of the time has been consumed doing NC, trying to figure out what went wrong, what I did wrong, he did wrong. That’s a lot of work. And now it’s on to how do I live a life my own without him around? Doing things you like and enjoying them instead of trying fill the little free time I had with him. Yes, only when we are emotionally able to handle dating, we can. To me, I can’t handle even going out for a dinner. If someone likes you, it gives them a hope to see you again, which I am not ready or willing to promise. The other person doesn’t deserve this too. We have to think about our date too. Unfair to others.
I remember breaking things off with my last boyfriend. I sat at my desk and it donned on me that I had spent 7 years of time and energy on an assclown (5 yrs) and EUM (2). I said to myself that “I’m doing something wrong.” I decided that I was not going to date until I figured out why I was drawn to men and relationships where that ultimately bad for me. That was almost 7 years ago. In retrospect, giving myself that time was probably the most selfish (in a healthy way) thing that I had ever done for myself. I spent a year looking at myself, making peace with my past, and with Nat’s help focused on changing my “relationship paradigm.” That year that I spent “off the market” was the most difficult, and ultimately the most rewarding experience of my life. When I was ready to “test” all the new skills that I had learned, I ended up meeting a guy. I looked for “red flags” but I didn’t find any. In June we will be married for 5 years.:-) Nat always said that the people we choose to be with are a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Although my husband can get on my last freaking nerve, I never failed to be impressed by what a wonderful person he is, and how I am treated. He’s not the guy I thought I’d end up with, however, I’m no longer the woman that was happy accepting crumbs. Thanks for all the help Nat!
“the people we choose to be with are a reflection of how we feel about ourselves” Wow. Just Wow.
“Nat always said that the people we choose to be with are a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.”
Wow is right Oregon Girl, so simple yet so profound!
RES,
I know how you feel! I feel this way about my husband, even the getting on my last nerve! LOL. But, he has brought me nothing but joy and a sense of peace that I never got with assclown!
I am on a break and actually enjoying it. This was my second marriage, and things went downhill almost immediately. But I didn’t lose who I was, just because he couldn’t see it. I had a moment of great clarity about a week after he moved out, and I knew that I’d reach a point where I was lonely or scared to be alone, or just wanted a relationship bandaid that would make everything okay. And I knew it wouldn’t really make ANYTHING okay. So I made a list of things that need to happen before I’m ready to date again. I more or less just forget he even existed because I’m busy living my own life very well. It’s still early days for me and I’m not there yet, but when I make it about six months to a year before I remember that I haven’t thought of him in months- then I can date.
@Lisa: I love your story and would like to hear some of the things on your list, if you’d be comfortable sharing some. I’m reaching a breaking point with doing the same old same old and getting nowhere. I think making a list of my own might help me. Thank you.
I don’t mind per se, but I think you know what your triggers are better than I do. For me, it’s stuff like no Facebook stalking, I’m able to make it through several weeks without wondering what he’s doing, sleeping normally, not looking at gifts he gave me and feeling strong emotions, etc. With the sleep- he left for work at 5am, so I’d always wake up then. Even after he left, I’d wake up between 4 and 6am. It’s slowly starting to get better, and I know from past relationships that’s a big thing for me. With the gifts: I had an ex that gave me a very expensive set of cookware right before he broke up with me. I couldn’t use it at first without crying into every meal I was cooking. Now, it’s been so long that it seems silly that I would have ever attached such strong feelings to cookware. With my most recent ex, everywhere I look in the house, I see gifts he gave me. And depending on my mood that day, they are either reminders of all the good times we shared and how much I miss him, or they are horrible reminders of how badly he treated me. I simultaneously treasure them and hate them. When I can look around my house and not attach any strong feelings to a hat or terrarium- then I’m over him.
Lisa, you are strong and very confident. I would throw away any and every gift. Not out of spite or anything. Just because it would remind me so much of everything. But I don’t know your situation about how long you had been with the person. I was in a year relationship. Never lived with him. Got only couple small gifts. Was easy to discard along with the pictures, which were just a click away, delete-delete. Prior to that, years ago, I was married for 8 years and I didn’t throw away anything from my ex-husband. It was just too natural to keep but we had an amicable and friendly separation. I kept the furniture he left me, things, etc. There were sad feelings at first, but I didn’t think about getting rid of anything I had shared with him. So it depends on the situation how you treat the things like gifts and the things you acquired together. I understand what you are saying.
I would also appreciate seeing your list, if you don’t mind sharing. Having a list of things to cross off feels more productive to me than just crossing days off a calendar.
My list would include:
–Do some minor repairs on my house I have been wanting to do.
–Take an exercise class and get in better shape.
–Join Weight Watchers and lose ten pounds.
–Try to make some new girlfriends that are fun to hang out with and who nurture my spirit.
–Build up a bigger emergency fund in the bank in case of, well, emergencies. I like being independent.
–Travel all by myself, just to do it.
–Make sure I understand what kind of men I need to stay away from.
–Make sure I feel complete in myself and that I have good healthy boundaries in place.
–Make sure I love, care, trust, and respect myself. I need to be secure about these things before I get involved with another man.
Ladies, your lists?
One I can think of apart from most on your list.
– Find my sense of humour and stop taking things so seriously.
Great post, and it resonated with me because I am doing just that right now, and have been since December. The last guy I met turned out to be a jerk when I refused to sleep with him on the third date, and I decided that I just wasn’t in the mood to get right back out there again. When my subscription to a popular dating site ended, I didn’t renew. Since that time, I have been working on getting to know me, and truthfully I haven’t missed dating at all. I’ve kept busy with my kids, my friends, my volunteer work, and house hunting (I close on my house in 2 weeks). I worry sometimes that it’s been weeks since I had a pedicure, “trimmed down there,” or went to bed without socks, but its really OK. And if by some stroke of luck I do meet someone out of the blue, I think I will be in a much better place emotionally, and ready to open my heart to him. But if he doesn’t appear, I won’t fall apart now. I like who I am turning out to be.
“Some people can barely go a week without collecting attention somewhere – it’s no wonder it feels as if our lives are collapsing when we experience disappointment if we’re that afraid of being in our own company.” – yes!!! THANK YOU. I cannot even express how many women I know (and men, actually…) who can’t survive unless they’re getting attention, like life isn’t worth living otherwise. Scary.
YES!!! I totally agree with you! Every single woman needs to take a break in between relationships to not only reflect but like you said, get to know herself. Too many women jump from relationship to relationship without any breaks and end up with the same type of men with the same ole drama.
It’s okay to be alone.
For three years I was totally obsessed by a man I know. My every waking thought was of him. I kept on believing that one day he would ask me out and there would be a happy ending to all the turbulence and grief I felt. Finally I listened to someone who told me I should invite myself round to his place “just as a friend” I did so and we had a really good time together resulting in him saying that we would spend time together and go out for long walks. For two months I never heard a word from him yet people told me I should be more patient and not so anxious, even when he posted photos of himself on FB out walking with another woman. Finally I could take it no longer. I wrote him a short letter saying that for several reasons (I didn’t specify to keep him wondering) I was ending our relationship and wished him good luck for the future. I hope the letter was a kick in his ego. I am still very hurt, but at least now I have my self-respect and the great satisfaction of knowing I was the one who ended whatever kind of connection we had. I think he will either now ignore me completely or see my rejection as a green light. If the latter, I am determined that he won’t get any power back. I would sooner not like any man and never date again than go through what I did with him. It is hell when someone has that kind of control over your life.
Agnes,
Im confused!
Was this an online relationship?
This is so true. I’ve followed this rule & feel healthy to date again. Funny, just met a guy who actually needs to do this for himself! Only saw each other for a couple of weeks, & I had the classic “not over my ex” – It’s no big deal. He clearly was carrying too many issues & baggage from previous relationships. It’s sad when you meet someone who is not healthy, but I’m glad I had the knowledge & wisdom to move on. I deserve so much better. He really needs to work on his past before he dates again.
Awesome and on time as usual! I have been taking a break for more than a year now. Last “relationship” wasn’t balanced, unhealthy, and disappointing! He was older and still playing games! Almost 60! Major let down. There were too many other obstacles that required my focus and he wanted back in after I tried to cut loose but I couldn’t trust his character. I still find myself reflecting back here and there, getting upset with me – I’m disappointed that I trusted him. Glad I kept moving on, 8 months NO Contact from refusing to keep our communication open. No dating for me right now, I find the thought of it exhausting! Not being involved with anyone has been good, I am getting centered and focused – taking time for me! No rush… I just want to keep moving forward and eliminate the negative experience I had with him. It’s a process but glad I’m doing it, no matter how long the hiatus takes!!!!!!!
I’ve been on a dating hiatus for two years! Nope haven’t dated anyone. I really wanted to give myself a chance at a decent life and that took a lot of upstart.
But, two years is nothing compared to the 13 that I chased bad men. So I win!
Peanut,
It´s been two years for me too and I´ve never felt more relaxed. People even say I laugh a lot more.
If I ever get involved with someone again he´ll have to be a real positive addition to my life, I won´t put up with drama anymore.
Lilia,
Your comment helps a lot. I got to 45 days NC and was doing pretty well, then I broke down and spent a weekend with him when he begged me to. HE begged ME to spend a weekend in Reno, but after two days he started his old crap, I ended up crying, he became verbally abusive, and I did the walk of shame dragging my suitcase to the airport with my face all smeary and teary and snotty. WHY DID I FALL OFF THE WAGON??? HOW CAN I MAKE SURE IT DOES NOT HAPPEN AGAIN??? I had been doing so well up to that point. Was feeling happy and healthy until he called me. All weekend I was walking on eggshells and it was NOT FUN at all. It was sheer torture. I knew it would be but I went anyway. He told me “once again” he would finalize his divorce, but when I brought it up he went wild with anger, rage, and abuse.
Oregon,
Why haven’t you blocked?
Every time I block him from my work email, he creates a new gmail acct so he can get through the block to communicate with me. I keep blocking him, he keeps squeaking through. He chases chases chases chases me, then when I pay attention to him, after one or two nice days he turns back into a jerk, I get mad, I re-block. Lather, rinse, repeat. It’s a very unhealthy cycle. But I made it to 45 days NC and I am determined to do it again. I just hope he gives up and moves on.
Oregon,
Perhaps, you need to suggest a restraining order. What he is doing is harassment, but YOU must stop responding with positive attention. You know this is going nowhere, and you are seriously sabotaging your happiness.
Time to get serious and shut this down! I would also suggest getting a new email, if it is used for personal reasons. You can also reset your spam filters.
Oops, I see it is a work email.
But, by responding to this asshole, you are showing him your word has no weight. What’s the use of blocking if you’re going to stay on the merry-go-round!
Thank you, Allison. I like the idea of opening a new email acct and switching over. That might do the trick. And you are right that I need to “block him” in my own head, first of all. Thank you for the support. Awesome.
Oregon girl
I think one of women’s biggest downfalls is going back over and over to the same man that uses and abuses us. Why?
In our little secret heart of hearts we still like them and we don’t want to let go. We try again hoping that they have changed, maybe I was wrong about them and they are a decent guy (NOT) only to find that they haven’t. Time passes and we forget or suppress the pain, they call, we get a thrill thinking well maybe this time it will be different – and it isn’t, the same disappointment cycle starts again.
We aren’t learning from our experience, we keep ignoring the facts that this guy (or girl) isn’t going to change, they’re not the one and we won’t LET GO.
Until you make that conscious decision to stop sticking your hand in the fire because it will burn every time you do, you won’t get free from him.
He’s toxic.
Oregon girl-
Best advice: change your phone number- delete his number & Don’t keep a copy of it anywhere!
Keeps the temptation away.
Then write down all the crappy things he ever did/said & keep it handy. Anytime you get ‘weak’ read it! It will sort you very quick!
Brandy and Pauline, thank you so much for understanding and offering suggestions. I will do these things. Wish me luck please. Pauline, OMG you are SO SPOT ON!! hugs.
Peanut, did you end up getting your own little place by yourself?
Another grate post and very timely! Needed this proverbial kick up the backside.
Thanks Nat x
I just ruined a relationship with a lovely man because I was holding onto insecurities and unhealthy beliefs that were probably created about 4 relationships ago but never let go of because I kept jumping from relationship to relationship. I really loved him and feel so sad that we’re not together anymore, and also very confused about why I was insecure – lots of people say that it takes two to tango, and he must have been doing things to trigger me feeling insecure, but I’m not sure what’s him and what was me and my fears. I do know that he found my insecurity and vulnerability unattractive, and it ended up coroding the fun in the relationship. He also lost his sex drive and said that he liked it when I was my strong self, but that he felt like I ‘wilted’ too often. I’m left feeling weak and even more f***ed than I thought I was when I was being insecure. I was always relatively confident before, and in the ‘dumper’ position, but this time I feel like my fears about being with someone I actually loved and sense of doom just wouldn’t go away until they became real. Is it possible to heal from this stuff with a break?? I’ve been in LTRs for around 15 years now, usually from 1 – 2 years, and lots of them have been lovely people. How long will it take to heal from all of that?! I still wake up every day wondering if the man I was just going out with has been pursuing any of the women I was paranoid about when we were going out (he had female friends and kept in touch with exes – but I do think it was innocent!).
How long people?! I’m almost thirty and I do want kids at some point! (Though I am actually enjoying time on my own too – it’s been five weeks and I’m probably less stressed than I was in the relationship even though I’m sad)
S-dog – I don’t feel like this guy lifted you up or made you a better person. I realize you have baggage but I don’t like how it sounds like he blamed losing his sex drive on you. That’s all him. I would highly recommend signing up for Natalis’ self esteem e-course. I am doing it now and lots of great information to work on yourself.
Natalie, you are a self help goddess
I look forward to every post you make and I can’t tell you how much of a transformation i have made in my life as a result of your common sense, insightful observations regarding relationships and how we self sabotage our own precious inner happiness when we gamble on seeking validation externally rather than providing it for ourselves, which in turn makes us seek dodgy relationships…
I’m a thirty five year old midwife surrounded by couples sharing the most intense and life changing event of their lives, having babies every day at work. On the odd occasion I feel like having a little cry in the pan room after a patient asks me if I am married/have children… I’m not and I don’t. sometimes it feels like a fleeting but stinging awkward moment where a pitiful, bewildered judgement is being cast…It’s only for a second as obviously she will be completely focused on her baby…
Reading your blog has given me the strength to realise I would rather not have children than have children with an unreliable, unavailable manchild and focus on the people who actually exist in my life and I enjoy the company of. It’s not how I thought my life would turn out.. Far from it. Who knows what will happen in the next 35 years?!
I just want to say that your amazing and your helping a lot of people through their personal murky fog.. It’s all about having a good relationship with ourselves and it’s taken me this long to realise it, this should be taught as mandatory in kindy along with the abc!
I went through this in my late 20’s where is seemed liked every man I met after assclown was crazy! while I generally was not the type of person to jump from one relationship to the next, when I did meet someone it seemed liked they where all the same type of men.
The good thing was I did have an epiphany moment and started to be more conscience and pay attention to red flags so I was able to offload them much quicker and with a lot less pain. The problem I had was trusting guys. Everytime they would do something similar to what the assclown did I assumed they were guilty! While my intuition was right most of time, I still said this is not away to conduct a relationship.
That’s when I began my 1.5 year journey so I could:
1. Cleanse my soul and become a post-virgin LOL! 2. Enjoy my alone time, because I believe if you don’t enjoy your own company nobody else will.
3. Work on buying my house and get my personal financial affairs in order
What I understood at the end of it all is I don’t look at time alone as a bad thing, it’s solitude. My thinking was there was going to be a time I would have a husband and kids and would pray to have time to myself.
At the end of the day, I met a great guy, who became my husband and gave me a crazy daughter! LOL. If sacrificing a year out of my life could give me the peace I have now then it was definitely worth it.
Stephanie,
Thanks for posting this uplifting comment. It brightened my day and made me feel happy for your growth as as an individual. Your story of positive self-transformation reminds me of this quote that I use as a daily mantra: “Don’t be bitter. Be better”.
By setting your priorities in order and focusing on achieving your goals, you were not only able to improve your life but also attract a caring partner. I wish you, him, and your daughter many, many years of happiness and success together.
Cheers to you for not giving up on yourself or on love!
I’ve been going back and forth lately about whether to try to start dating. I am 35 and have been NC for almost 6 months but I am not over him or over what I thought we would have. Because of my age, I sometimes freak out and think I am wasting time when I should be trying to find someone because I would like to get married and have kids but thats when I have to calm myself down and remind myself that if I found someone right now, I would probably end up freaking out and running away from them anyway. I am glad Natalie posted this. When I do start dating I am not sure I want to try the online again. I have done that off and on for years. I’ve been thinking about trying ‘its just lunch’. Its pricey – but they do the work for you.
To make things a little more complicated – I went to a wedding with someone I used to date (we are friends) over the weekend as I thought it would be fun. It was a lot of fun. One of the couples that sat at our table – the husband kept asking us why we weren’t together? It was annoying. We have religious differences so when we said that – the guy was like ‘what’s so bad about this religion etc’. My wife and I have religious differences. So now the guy wants to go out for dinner – and I don’t really want too. I’m not saying he’s interested but who knows and it stresses me out. And then to top that off, I got a friend request on instagram from my ex-EUM. I hardly get on there so just going to ignore it.
I made the decision to take a break after my 8-year on-and-off relationship ended this past October. He broke up with me again for the umpteeth time (can’t deal with conflict). The pain was unbearable but I knew I needed to go through it without doing like I’ve always done by finding someone to soften the blow.I did all the begging/pleading in the beginning of my break-up but eventually gave up. He sent me a Merry Christmas text … and me still being in the pain I was in asked if he wanted to meet up for a drink, he said he was busy. I asked if he could talk for a minute, he said not a good idea and apologized. I never responded back and went straight to NC. The pain was intense and debilitating the first couple of months but by end of February/early March I started feeling like myself again, not nearly as consumed by him as I once was. Saturday marked 80 days of no contact, and also the day he decided to send me a text. The gist of it was: he hoped I was doing well, didn’t want us hating each other, truly wished me happiness whether it pained him or not (but said it really sucked it couldn’t be with each other), mentioned he didn’t want me to feel like this was easy for him b/c it was killing him but said so was the way we were, and wished me all the best. This brought all of my pain and tears back. I did what he wanted me to do and left him alone. He wished me all the best after our break-up already. Why did he feel the need after almost 3 months to send this?!
Geeez the classic “I wish you happiness” line and “such a shame we cannot be together” My ex AC still sent those one year after he dumped me. I blocked his number because it reminded me of what an idiot I was to ever fall for this loser. I understand the NC is still relatively fresh for you and such messages might open an old wound. However, please don’t respond to him. It will only give him the opportunitiy to humiliate you again, and walk away feeling like a big shot! Ignore him please!!
Care,
I believe the texts out of the blue are for an ego stroke and a safety measure to make sure you don’t completely forget them. It may also be a tiny amount of guilt and they’re hoping you’ll be over it and relieve them of it because it makes them uncomfortable. Not really an attack of bad conscience but more a way of making them feel less shitty about themselves. Either motive isn’t fair to you. Ignore it. He made his choice and he has to live with it. You are entitled to make a choice not to communicate if that’s what’s best for you. Block him if you want to avoid another day ruining, scab ripping text that ironically wishes you happiness. He may even mean it a little but if it hurts, you don’t owe him a response or an open line. You don’t owe him anything.
Spot-on, Selkie.
This is on page 84 of the EUM Relationship Manual.
Thanks for your response RP. A big part of me thinks his intentions of sending me that text were of his own guilt, but no idea.I actually did respond about 3 hours later. I basically told him I was good, and was disappointed at how everything played out, but there was no hate. I also said it was an incredibly painful experience for many reasons, but at the end of it all, I still only want the best for him. He said ‘me too’ and that was it.This is the FIRST time in 8 years (after many break-ups) that I was able to leave him with something other than the usual “do you want to meet?” “I miss you” “I love you” type of response, or continuing to send long messages back. I just don’t understand why guys send these messages when you’re trying to heal and get over them. It seems very selfish considering he knows the type of response he received the last time he reached out with his Merry Christmas text and knew there was a strong possibilty he’d get the same type of response this time around too.
What type of approach did you take when you first received these kinds of texts? Did you just ignore him?
Care, as someone who has ‘reached out’ with a text to someone I finished it with (for solid reasons mind you), I can postulate that he may genuinely have meant nothing more than to express his feelings and smooth things over by extending an olive branch.
But this has clearly rattled you, and though I doubt that’s what he intended he was being selfish, putting his needs above your well being.
Either way, not responding at all the best thing to do (the guy I texted didn’t text me back, which was actually a godsend).
If it happens again and it continues to rattle you, I’d suggest blocking him. It’s over, there’s nothing to talk about, no need to be in touch. It’s a difficult decision, a tough turning point, but blocking might really help you at this stage.
Care,
That behavior is SO typical. You are seeing it for what it is. He needs an ego stroke and expected to get one from you. He puts you through this with absolutely no regard for your emotional well being. It’s the epitome of worthlessness.
Block his phone, email, and any other form of communication. It won’t be sincere, and will start you to hurting all over again.
Peace and love to you.
Care,
At the beginning, like you, I was still healing from a relationshit that (surprise surprise)ended extremely badly after he pulled some classic AC shit on me. At the beginning I did respond to his texts. I could not tell him that I missed him because of what he did but I did feel the need to tell him all about himself and force him to admit what a shitty person he was/is. However, the point is that the AC does not care whether you love him or hate the guts out of him. The fact that you respond emotionally means, for him, that you are still hooked. It will boost his ego either way and communicate to him that he still has a hold on you. Once I started to get over the AC, I would sometimes respond with a brief “I am fine, hope you are doing will too” He could sense the distance I was imposing and started to become more persistant with his texts (that were also becoming increasingly more desperate). At this point I felt sickened and annoyed with myself for ever taking shit from such a lowlife, so I blocked his number. The problem you are having now is that you are still taking your AC seriously. You will probably not block him at this point because you are still seeking some sort of validation from him.I know, it is really hard! You definitely made ALOT of progress on your previous text but you still seem heavily invested. Of course the best would be to block him at this point (I wish I blocked my AC earlier). I promise, the effect he has on you now will fade with NC and when you no longer give a shit about him then you wont care less about answering or not.
RP, this is so true: “It will only give him the opportunity to humiliate you again, and walk away feeling like a big shot! Ignore him please!!” I call it “last word-ism,” when the guy just HAS to get the last word in. I say, let him have it!
Care,
I’m sorry!!!!!
It seems that he does not want you to move on. Quite selfish.
Do yourself a big favor: BLOCK!!!!!
I found it hard to accept that I needed to take a break from dating because of my age (late thirties) and body clock clicking. I was dating one dud after another, which was driving my self esteem and confidence to dangerously low levels.
Then I fell for someone who should also have been taking a dating hiatus (separated for just 9 months after an 18 year marriage and previously ‘running amok’ to borrow Mike’s phrase).
That was the last straw and I’ve committed to taking a proper break. I lapsed a few times and went back on the dating site, but found it was triggering too much anxiety, I was messing innocent men around by being flaky (e.g. cancelling a date last minute) and so I realised I’m not ready yet. I took down my profile and decided that if I am going to meet someone it will happen ‘organically’. I started my own meetup.com group to expand my social circle, make new friends, and it’s boosting my self confidence. No dishy men, but I think that’s just as well because I do think I would sabotage even the most promising of relationships right now.
I was tempted to hook up with someone casually (mentioned a few posts back) but I’ve realised how unwise that would be. I’m not beating myself up for entertaining the idea either – just relieved I came to my senses (with the help of BR and your lovely readers, Nat).
I’ve just had a few days with my parents, just the three of us. I have had a tricky relationship with them, but not only did I survive this trip, I actually enjoyed it and their company. I understand them better.
I’m getting professional help through all of this, and it gets repetitious going over childhood issues but I am understanding how much they continue to affect many aspects of my life.
So I’m having my dating hiatus and coming around to the idea that I’ll never have children – that’s much harder than being single, but I’ll be ok and I’m making the most of my independence.
Thanks Nat, your posts are so helpful.
I remember back at uni how many female lecturers were having their kiddies (healthy ones!) in their 40s. Don’t believe the rubbish about not being able to have kids after 35. Every woman is different.
Yes. Women have children in their 40’s. Many women are also freezing their eggs.
True but I feel that I’d find it too strenuous being an ‘old’ mum (seriously, I’m knackered just looking after myself, or trying to) + I have a niece with quite severe Downs Syndrome + I wouldn’t have an abortion if the foetus wasn’t healthy, so it’s too risky for me personally.
I just mentioned it because it can make the decision to have a dating hiatus hard. I found I was being desperate in seeking ‘the one’, and couldn’t spare 3-6 months. Now it’s almost 9 months and I’m still no where near ready to date, so I have to think realistically.
I’m so glad you wrote this. I can really identify with it. I met my EUM when I was 35 and were together for 4 years. During which he went back and forth on whether he wanted another child (he has a young son). When we broke up, I asked him why he monopolized my final childbearing years when he knew how much I wanted to be a mother. He joked that he probably “did me a favor” by taking the motherhood option off the table. Because he said I was too had too many “issues” and was too “dramatic” to be a good mother.
Anyway, I’m 40 now and I’ve accepted that I probably won’t have children. You’re right – accepting this makes taking a dating hiatus easier and less fraught with that tick-tock anxiety.
My dating hiatus has come at the perfect time. I’m starting to understand what I want out of my life, and who I want to spend it with.
I’m wondering if there are any ladies out there who have had only one or two Mr. Unavailables in their lives. I feel that most people on this site say that they have a pattern of dating EUMs, so they know very clearly what they need to work on. I’ve had relationships with sweet, emotionally available men, and one awful relationship with an EUM that I “chased like he was the Beatles.” I have some guesses about why I was attracted to him–1) I was insecure about my life path, 2) I loved the thrill of the chase, and 3) I didn’t respect my other bfs because though they were wonderful, they had no direction in life (unlike my EUM who had loads of career ambition but no emotional intelligence.) Anyone else have limited experience with EUMs?
Also, I’m wondering if it’s important to take a balanced approach to remembering a relationship that ended badly, in other words, remember the good and the bad. Though all of my relationships have ended, I have moments from even casual relationships that I enjoy looking back on, but I don’t feel any sense of nostalgia or warm feelings for my relationship with the EUM, though I “chased him like the Beatles.” Is this problematic? Does this mean I am bitter? Is it wrong to be bitter?
Nat Attack,
You are not alone. I have only had one AC/EUM in my life. I was married to a wonderful man of integrity who died too young. After his death, I took a six year hiatus, then entered the dating scene only to find the AC. I was very naive, and wish I had known the traits of ACs when I started dating, but it has been a lesson in learning that there are untrustworthy people in the world that will take advantage of your good nature, manipulate you and use you for their own pleasures. I need to remind myself that not every man is like the AC, and that there are kind and decent men out there. It’s just sometimes difficult to find each other.
I was bitter and angry for a long time, but now that I am mostly healed, I can look back with a bit of perspective and see that we had both good times and bad. The good times were mostly activities we enjoyed together, like bike riding, surfing and going to art events. The bad times revolved around emotional unavailability, such as the inability to establish true intimacy, being lied to, deceived and betrayed. Needless to say the bad far outweighed the good.
I think it is onlyl natural to focus on the bad when you are wounded. It takes time and healing to take the balanced approach. I don’t think it is necessary; however, to have any feelings of warmth or nostalgia for someone who treated you poorly and trampled on your boundaries. I think the best you can do is become apathetic to them, and not let the bad times impact your state of mind or your emotional well-being.
All the best,
ThreeDLife
Nat Attack – I have only had one EUM and he turned my world upside down. But I am equally responsible as I hadn’t had male attention in a long time and I let him bust all my boundaries. It was alot of fun but now I am trying to get over him. Its been 6 months of mostly NC. However, he just sent a friend request on instagram. I was/am addicted.
Dear Lynn,
Do you mind if I ask if you accepted it? As someone who was/is also addicted, I know that I would very much struggle to reject/block a friend request. I don’t have instagram but am back on Facebook. I clearly still have a long BR learning journey ahead of me. I have, however, set my settings so that I can’t be added by others on Facebook. One would have to send a message. And he can do that anyway, if he hasn’t deleted my number. Sigh, why am I still consumed by this anyway.
LovefromNel – No I ignored it. I rarely get on instagram. He is just testing boundaries. For some reason I feel like an email or text is coming….but I could be wrong.
and he’s blocked on facebook…he keeps his page open so anyone can see what is posted and I don’t want that temptation.
one more thing! LOL As far as I know he is still in a relationship (with a separated woman no less). If he was a normal person, he would realize that sending me any type of contact is disrespectful to her – but he doesn’t care, and just thinks about himself.
Lynn, thanks for your replies. Yes, I feel it’s testing the waters. Perhaps he’s no longer in a relationship and throwing out a fishing line to see if you’ll bite! Who knows. One thing we do know though, and which is certain – they certainly just think of themselves. I’m pleased to hear of your strength. I hope one day to be able to emulate that. Best wishes.
LovefromNel – I kinda think if he wasn’t in the relationship anymore he would have contacted me directly. She broke up with him in january (for like a week because she had to work some things out in her head, yea right) and that is when I got a text from him telling me this stuff. He thought we could be friends again because that is why we stopped talking because he was seeing someone. I was like NO! There were several other reasons! I would guess that a relationship with a separated person is ideal for an EUM. She started dating really quickly after she separated and he did too (after our breakup) so they are both on the same level emotionally. I doubt she expects much from him where I wanted to get married and have a child. Anyway – when that crashes and burns, that’s when he will contact me directly instead of fishing around on social media sites.
Lynn,
Why haven’t you blocked him?
Allison – on instagram? Blocking on instgram isn’t the same as facebook. It doesn’t really do anything at least the way I understood it.
Lynn,
Phone, email, everything.
“he’s just testing boundaries.” So true, so true. In Nat’s self esteem class she talks about how important it is to love yourself by putting boundaries in place.
Nat Attack,
I would only be concerned if you feel that you’re being consumed by anger – and only then because it would be harmful to you.
Why do you need to have any fond memories of a bad relationship?
One positive that you can focus on is that you’ve found BR and gained so much knowledge and self-awareness as a result of the experience.
Thank you for your comments, ThreeDLife, Lynn, and A. Thankfully, I am no longer consumed with anger. After reading your posts, I feel better about my negativity towards the EUM and I look forward to the day when it fades into indifference. Perhaps I will appreciate the good times we had together then–driving to Alaska, camping next to glaciers, the excitement of our beginning. But I have a feeling that my any appreciation I feel will be tempered by the knowledge that he couldn’t give me what really mattered: sincerity. And though I thought he was the one, I can finally admit, without feeling my ego ache, that I was wrong.
Thanks, guys.
Also, I just want to add that I think it’s amazing that this forum exists. I’ve received so many helpful ideas and insights from all of you! It means so much to me. It’s really inspiring to know that there are so many kind people out there.
Nat,
I can honestly say that I do not have any good feelings towards the ex, it just a feeling of indifference. I simply don’t care.
I will say that I am grateful for the lessons that were learned. This man was my epiphany, and through that crap experience, I learned a great deal about myself. I did a lot of self-reflection and implemented many changes in my life. The boundaries and self-respect are in place.
Don’t waste this opportunity to make personal change. This is about you, not him.
Allison,
You’re right on target. I’m trying to keep myself focused on using this opportunity to create a life for myself that makes me happy. It’s a really good opportunity. Of course, I need reminders every now and then, but I’m actually starting to feel this. I have more time to focus on my career path now. It just wasn’t going to happen while I was with him. I need to focus on my writing and eventually, when I’m ready to date, find someone who is supportive and actually enthusiastic about my career goals.
Dear Nat Attack
I have had the experience of two (I’m 28, if that provides some context – so I do think two in a relatively short history – 10 years – of relationships/dating is perhaps two too many!).
The first was in 2010, and was the brother of a friend of mine. He was appealing at the time – I tend to go for the good-looking bad boys! He’d been in jail for armed robbery (the horror, I know!) and I saw him as extremely good looking (as superficial as that may be). He was a typical narcissistic sociopath, I was one in a harem of women, and he’d dispose of one and go onto another when there was a sign of conflict and/or boredom (on his part). He broke my heart, and I moved to another city to get away from him after the third time we broke up. I moved back after a year and again he contacted me. Do you think I’d learnt my lesson being away? Seems not! I fell right back into his arms (thinking – he’s changed, I’m the love of his life – blah blah blah – vomit!). Anyway of course he broke up with me again in early 2012 and I’ve not spoken to him since.
However, it still was not the turning point to bring me to BR. The most recent EUM did not have a history of being in jail, and was someone I immediately fell for, and fell quite hard. As cliched as it was, I considered him to be “the one” (despite many red flags which I pushed aside, not knowing what red flags were!). I got caught up in the romance of it all and let the rational thinking Nel slip away. We’d met whilst walking our dogs, and it was all very ‘this is just meant to be’. Although he did not have the narcissistic sociopath tendencies of AC No.1, he was certainly: emotionally unavailable, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, and controlling (amongst other things). Compounding these traits was a crippling depression. He called his ex a psycho and had few nice things to say about anyway. The world was against him, and it was everyone else’s fault but his own. Again, I pushed the warning bells aside in the hope that things could get better because wasn’t it all just so right? In any case, to cut a long story short, he disappeared. I haven’t heard from him since my third text message in August last year. He has avoided me in our mutual walking place and has never tried to get in touch. I guess this is very much where EUM/AC No.1 and EUM/AC No. 2 differ.
Coming back to your question though about nostalgia and remembering the good and the bad. As someone who has a very active and vivid imagination, I find myself going back to the men of my past (usually the most recent one, although I never really know where my mind may take me at 11.30pm at night when I can’t sleep). Like you, I don’t feel any sense of nostalgia (anymore) to AC. No. 1. No, I don’t think it’s problematic. I think it stems from 1) the passage of time and 2) the recognition of how awfully he treated me. Although admittedly last night I was re-visiting (in my imagination of course) the first time when EUM No. 2 and I slept together, I know that I will reach the point where I don’t think I’ll feel much warmth towards him either. I find it hard to be warm to people who have treated me unkindly, disrespectfully and unfairly. I don’t think it’s a sign of bitterness though. To summarise, I think our sense of nostalgia/warmth has a direct correlation with how people have treated us? The two other relationships I’ve had with men who were not EUM/AC, I can look back on with enjoyment/nostalgia/wishful thinking – whatever. But it’s the most recent two that I don’t. So your final question is ‘is it wrong to be bitter’. I don’t think you are, honey. Why have warm feelings towards someone who’s been so cold?
I hope that helps in a long rambled Nel way.
Best wishes,
xo
Hey Nel,
I completely relate to your overactive imagination. I think it is a good trait to have and can be useful in many ways, but it can also be difficult to cope with, especially late at night! I am basically always writing my autobiography in my head 24/7. That is just how I experience life. So I think of the past often and use it in my fiction writing. But man can it do a number on my sleep schedule…
I also relate to your experience with AC2. When I was dating my ex, I was often happy to hear him berate his exes (messed up of me, I know.) Wow, what a lesson I learned! My therapist helped me realize that my ex’s “psycho” high school sweetheart was probably just a sweet girl who voiced her needs. All the girls he dated were either “psycho” or “boring.” Now I know better. I understand that there are some nutcases out there, but if a future boyfriend shows a pattern of insulting his exes, I’ll see it as a huge red flag.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about my question regarding nostalgia. I think I’m at peace with how I feel about the whole experience. No, I don’t have many fond memories, and maybe I don’t need to. Maybe it’s a healthy sign that I’ve taken him off of that ridiculous pedestal I’d placed him on for five years. I’m so grateful I don’t want to be with him anymore!
I also read what you said in another post about not allowing your age to dictate your relationship status. I completely agree. I am 30 and have no prospects and don’t feel particularly scared. More people are waiting until their 30s and 40s to get married because of the economy and for various other reasons. It is probably a good thing. Anyway, life is constantly changing…
Thanks Ann and Oregon girl. Wouldn’t it be nice to have get togethers to talk and support each other. Fallback Girl Fridays!
I bet we’d all have a blast hanging out somewhere together!!
VERY good article Nat! As it stands, I am on a dating break. I simply do not have the confidence yet to try again. I know at 29, time is running out, but at the moment I just can’t bring myself to accept a date after what my recent ex put me through. He lied, and lied, and lied further to cover up his previous lies! I am now having some fun with my female friends like going out on the town and buying nice clothes 🙂 it’s fun and makes me feel good. I will date sometime later on, when I’ve truly forgotten about him and his lame treatment. My best wishes to all you ladies (and some guys) on here 🙂
Ellie x
Natalie, I just started reading Baggage Reclaim and I’m hooked. Each post is more timely than the last. I’ve been in a relationship almost continually for the last 5 years. My last relationship ended recently after 6 months of just pure insanity. Red flags and busted boundaries everywhere. Your blog is really helping me move on without the bitterness I experienced after my last two break ups. I’m actually excited to move on with my life as a single person.
I really liked this article. It’s been five months since the AC EUM but I feel like the first three months I was in denial and pretty much waiting for him to bang on my door, beg my forgiveness, make things right and live happily ever after… LOL Didn’t happen.
This next phase I’m in, I seem to be learning a lot. About me, him, the past five years. Something I would never be able to do if I started dating again.
It seems like I have been coming to realizations and they can be painful. With each new realization about the relationship and end of it, along with the pain, comes healing and entering a new level of really knowing myself again. (and liking me)
To be able to finally say, this guy didn’t ever really love me. He loved that I loved him and he loved how much I gave him and how much I did for him, but he never loved me, not really. It hurts but it also needs to be said. I can now say, maybe he’s happier with this gf that he’s with. Maybe that was just how it was supposed to be. I’ve gotten to a point where, although the pain is still there, I really know he had nothing to offer me, didn’t treat me right and I am so much better off without him in my life. Also, looking back, I didn’t fit into his world, and I think, maybe she does.
I need to be alone. I could care less about dating right now anyway. I think just as the healing process is taking me to the next level, I will know when “it’s safe”. My friend told me that it doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing, when the time is right, “the right one” will be there. I believe that.
I too became involved with this AC after a long marriage. I was so naive and just fell head over heels. He was the only EUM AC I’ve ever known or had a relationship with and now that I know what I know through BR and all you ladies here, he will be the last. For now at least, I’m happy dating myself!
Lorraine,
Oh my goodness! What a turnaround!
I know it hurts, but just think about how much better things are by not being involve with that mess of a man.
He never committed to the wife or you, and he will fail to commit anyone else down the line, he takes what he can get. I think his mamma is his main squeeze, and is also his excuse, so that he will never have to grow up.
You are going through a lot, but you will continue to grow, and someday be thankful that you went through this ridiculous experience. I know that I was.
Time to grow and shine 🙂
Allison,
You are so right!!!! He’s a user and definitely using his mother as an excuse.
This was a ridiculous experience, one I hope never to have again.
Hugs..
Lilia,
Good for you. I deserve someone no less than I am, so I am holding out for a man whose values I respect. I think it will go well when I’m ready.
In the past two years the types of men I am attracted to has changed so much. What used to enslave me, has no hold on me now.
Whether or not I’m in relationship, I’m good, I’m solid, so it’s okay!
My PCP asks me “what are you waiting for” when I tell her I don’t want to do online dating. She is right in that I am approaching “elderly”……what do I think is going to change? She said all her female friends who are in relationships right now, met their SO thru online dating.
I told her I would consider dating after I acquire a secondary residence. I am wary of being stalked. I mean, it would end badly – jail time for either me or him cuz I would nip it in the bud by any means necessary. I was stalked in my 20’s – will not allow that to happen again.
It seems to me that the men who are available to me these days either are seeking casual/extracurricular activities OR have absolutely nothing material to offer so they “fall in love” with me quickly and want to lock me down in order to improve THEIR life, you know, so they can move out of the bedroom in their sister’s home and move into my home. These are 50+ year-olds I’m talking about. In their eyes I’m a “catch” – childless, working, driving, home-owner, not Halle Berry but not ugly.
Sunday, I talked myself out of attending a comedy show, because I would be going alone, and would be seated at one of those “two-person” tables alone.. I realized I was going alone to these things at 25, now at 55 I am STILL going alone. For the first time in my life I felt awkward about doing something ALONE. I don’t feel I am so “independent”. I also don’t feel like I’m a “loser”. I am just tired of having no intimate friendships. Over the years I have put effort into pursuing my interests, and have to accept that for some reason I am just NOT finding my tribe in life.
Elgie
This is the SAME stuff I am dealing with. We’re probably the same age range too. Men with nothing to offer that yep, probably see me as a way outta their crap situations. I figured out at 17 that I’d darn well better get independent and be self-supporting. Some of the guys that approach me haven’t figured this out at 70! I take a seasonal hiatus every year because with my work schedule and the condition of mountain roads in the winter, I simply cannot drive 100+ miles to meet anyone and there’s no local market in the winter. Peanut was spot on “we deserve someone no less than we are”. I too hate going to movies etc alone and will go with one of my dysfunctional men harem instead or just plain not go. I am very independent, yet, I yearn for physical contact, intelligent conversation, someone who respects my values. I am hardly a loser either and have been told repeatedly, by men, that I have a lot to offer. I have given up on on line as there hasn’t been but a handful of men even close to who’d work for me and frankly, I am sick of wasting so much gas and sign up fees. There just does not seem to be any on line site for older, accomplished, active, healthy women. Starting this spring, I will only try to meet men at the running/biking races or among long-term vacationers, as this seems to be the only source of financially stable, educated, healthy men. It is really starting to sink in that my dating hiatus may last till I can retire; then I fear, at 60, that it may be too late. On the other hand, hanging with someone you really do not want isn’t such a good idea either.
Noquay,
I am finding a lot of the same. I too am educated and self sufficient financially and in reasonable physical shape if not an athlete. There are very few indeed on the site who could say the same and the few that could are not approaching me.
As an experiment, I made up a fake male profile, the same age and professional level as me, into the same things as me. Picked a nice photo off the internet. (I have very, very nice photos, taken by a friend who is a professional photographer).
Well he was inundated with messages from the minute he went live . 15 or so within an hour. Many of the women’s profiles were kind of the equivalent of the ne’er do wells who message me, but quite a few looked to me to be sound attractive women.
Anyway, I shut him down pretty fast, it was making me uneasy getting so many women’s hopes up! Though anyone who gets invested just by reading a dating profile needs to calm right down.
Now the thing is, I NEVER initiate conversations online, I have found it just doesn’t ever work out/ they don’t answer, or they quickly fade out. I should imagine many women have the same policy. So the conclusion I drew is that there really is a masdive imbalance in the numbers of “eligible” men and women in my age bracket, on the website at any rate.
That thought doesn’t, at present, dismay me; don’t know why but I’m feeling fairly resilient at the moment. But I do like to know what is really going on.
I don’t intend to stop “online” but I’m not going to put too much energy into it.
My girlfriends and I (we are in our 50s) have found the same thing to be true. We live in a rural, isolated area where the men are all ex-fishermen or loggers and the unemployment and alcohol abuse rates are the highest in our state. So we made up a game called “Man Bingo.” When we go into a bar, if a man approaches us, buys us drinks, talks to us, etc. then (only in our heads–it’s a private joke with us) we get out our mental bingo cards. Unemployed? B1. Alcoholic? I7. Still married and looking to cheat? N4. Addicted to drugs or gambling? O9. Sometimes, with just one man you can get a whole “black out” on your card!
Elgie, there is nothing wrong with going to a function on your own. Granted it would feel more awkward occupying a two seater table, but then again maybe someone (male or female) also on their own would have asked to join you. Potential for budding friendship or even just companionship for one evening.
I started going to the cinema on my own and just don’t care how it appears to other people. There are usually other people going solo. I also went on a solo travellers holiday, and made a friend there. A friend recently referred to it as a singles holiday, which made it sound like a tawdry hook up holiday, which it wasn’t in the slightest.
Regarding online dating and stalkers, I personally hate on line dating and don’t generally advise it at all, but I’ve done it (a lot) and never been stalked. It’s so easy to block people. If that’s your sole reason holding you back from online dating, perhaps you could rethink.
I’ve had experience of harassment (to the extent that the police were involved 3 times over a 5 year period [I didn’t meet him online by the way]) so I totally understand your jumpiness, but if you exercise caution (not giving your address etc), you should be fine. Should you choose that option.
Don’t give up, on friendships or relationships.
I agree Mary online is actually very safe indeed . You are in complete control of how much information you divulge, and how and when you meet up. (You could meet up at the police station if you like!) Safer than a bar (where they can follow you home) or an activity group (ditto).
Do wanna clear up some things – I have done LOTS of things alone. Movies, plays, concerts, meetups, lectures, museum tours, hot air ballooning, travelling the States….and yes, going to comedy clubs.
That is why I was so surprised by the unwillingness I felt about going to the comedy show this last time. I was TIRED of having no one to do things with. I thought of asking my Father to be my date, I’ve done that before…but did not want to. I am questioning – WHY AM I ALWAYS ALONE.
My point is I have not allowed singleness to limit me unnecessarily, but I don’t know why I have not made any social connections……I talk to people when I am out. I’ve had coupled off women call me “brave” for doing things alone.
Also wanted to state that I do not require a man to be more financially successful than me….but I have been meeting men who seem to have no ambition or plan for themselves. I feel like they never had any criteria for the kind of life they wanted or the kind of woman they wanted. Sometimes I think I am afraid I am just like them, only I was lucky enough to choose a good career path. And I do harbor a belief that I am not quite good enough for an accomplished man…I do not have trophy looks or trophy income. I did think ACMM was out of my league, in achievements and looks. He was the first man I EVER felt a desire to marry – did not want to marry him or have him leave his wife, but I did notice that he was the only man I was with who ever made me think “I would marry him.” Even with his promiscuity, I can see why a woman would choose to marry him.
But this blue mood will pass. Right now, I’m in BLAST mode…thanks for that acronym, poster (don’t remember who). I am Bored,Lonely,Anxious,Stressed, and Tired.
Hi everyone, I dont post often, but I am a constant reader and fan of Nat and BR and all of you. I just wanted to say like others here have said, that from my experience, a dating hiatus is a beautiful time to enjoy my life- I’ve joined a choir, travelled, learnt to crochet and spent more time with my beautiful family and friends. I’ve also made new friends too. I christened 2013 ” the year of dance” because I made sure I danced as much as possible and this year is “the year of love”- that is, love towards me and love for LIFE. Gotta tell you, its been pretty great so far, and I’ve realised its because I’ve been looking to me, myself and I for validation, affirmation and care. For those commenters who have said that you feel like you’re “running out of time”- I’ve found that chasing an invisible timeline can be overwhelming and depressing eh. It works for me to shift my thinking to remembering that I don’t want to run out of time to love me. I dont want to be on my deathbed thinking “why didn’t I realise that life could’ve been brilliant if I just realised that I had so many opportunities to love me”. My friends have told me that in the past, when I chased the relationship rainbow that they didn’t understand why I put others before me and that they always wished I could see my own value. It was such a shock to hear and I now am understanding what they mean. The dating hiatus time is a gift. Enjoy the present! (Sorry bad pun).
What a lovely comment, Bee. Really quite life-affirming! I too disagree with the ‘running out of time’ sentiment, although am guilty of feeling it myself on a regular basis (I’m 28). But it’s normally when society’s pressures take hold. When others (even well-meaning family members) expect an engagement, marriage, baby – whatever it may be. But whether we are 28 or 48 or 68, there is always time for love, care, trust and respect – to ourselves. Best wishes. Keep enjoying the present! I know I need to do this better, so thank you for your comment.
Yes it is a lovely comment bee x We shouldn’t take our freedom for granted, the choice to do more of what we like with our days and to treat ourselves with love and care. We could wither away in the wrong relationship, in a hiatus, there is absolutely nothing standing in the way of being the best we can be.
Great post, Nat!! I must admit that when I started to read it I thought – what do you know Nat – of course, if one chooses to go on a dating hiatus that’s fine, but what if it is an involuntary hiatus because you are just scared and / or don’t meet any one? Is it still so healthy then or just pathetic? It’s not as if men are queuing at my doorstep wanting to date me.
But then you got me thinking. Even if I currently don’t even try to date or meet someone for fear go being rejected, maybe that is just my healthy response to not being able to date with my self-esteem in tow – yet.
My husband left me two years ago to move in with his affair of (allegedly) 6 weeks. He decided to move out on Christmas and I found out the woman was pregnant a few days afterwards (on my 40th birthday nonetheless). It hit me like a blow, from one moment to the other I was alone with two young children. I started seeing an EUM shortly afterwards, it was not planned, it started out as a fling and my friends all advised me to have some fun and treat it as an affair. But I started to like him whereas he always kept me at arms length. When I finally (after a year…) realized this had been going from affair to booty call, and he put in less and less effort, and no matter how hard I tried and how much my friends advised me I could enjoy being treated casually I managed to stop myself and get out. After a particularly bland exchange via text I decided just not to contact him any more. And funnily enough, neither did he make any more efforts to contact me. It’s been nearly a year since then, I have seen him on official occasions from time to time and he always seemed to try to avoid running into me as if I had the plague. Neither did I make any attempts. But it hurt me so much, to be discarded like that without even a single word of explanation. I had the feeling he had met someone else before we went NC and just didn’t need me as a passing time candidate any more. But it still hurt. And I realized, I finally had to deal with all the pain of my husband leaving me. No more distractions via drama or passionate encounters. No more “at least X thinks you are sexy, attractive etc….”
And now I am hiding in my shell for fear of rejection, avoiding even to look at someone. I am just existing as a mother and giving 120% at work. Funnily enough the last two years have been the best in my career so far. But I don’t exist as a woman and I am often thinking of staying alone now for the rest of my life.
But then I read Nat’s post and thought, maybe there is still hope. Maybe I have instinctively gone on a dating hiatus to heal, and when I am recovered I will be able to go out there, much safer and stronger. And one thing is for sure – I would rather be alone then accept the crumbs. I am too old for that 🙂 feels like having grown up.
Lucy, maybe it’s right for you to be on a hiatus if you don’t feel like you exist as a woman. I completely understand what you mean about the feelings of womanliness a relationship brings you and I’ve often felt the same. But after a break of more than 2 years – where I’ve had to unpack the baggage of a disaster family with many kinds of mistreatment and abuse, as well as a textbook AC I was involved with for 14 years – I feel more like a woman than I ever did. Not the woman, or should I say ‘lady’, some shallow a*hole wants me to be, but the one I want to be. And not for 5 minutes, from when I’m swept off my feet until I feel worthless again, but all the time. I would love to meet the right man and I’m sure I would blossom in many ways if I was in love and loved back, but a lot of that ‘glow’ should come from ourselves too as we recover.
Happy b, you are so right! We should feel like a woman all of the time and not only for the five minutes when we get validation from some AC. And that’s probably just the reason for being on a dating hiatus – whether voluntary or not – to heal and find that love within ourselves. I am sorry to hear what you have been through, but it gives me hope to read how you have come out of it!
Ah Lucy, I wouldn’t go that far to say I’ve come out of it, sometimes I protest too much about how fine I am being single! But definitely feel like more of a complete woman/person than I was with the AC in my life, am a much better friend to myself and have much more balance and stability.
But do have hope. Your story is really heartbreaking and while I haven’t been through the same, I can say that it took me more than a year to really get anywhere. You don’t get immediate results from your efforts and just have to believe and keep going, then things get better slowly and more consistently. I have no idea where I’d be without BR. Focus on healing and be gentle with yourself while opening up to new possibilities and leaving the uncomfortable comfort zone, have your own back and find ways bring yourself peace.
Lucy, you sound like me. My ex hubby also left my children and myself for another and married her. I have just been devoted to my children, to my own detriment-I have emotionally neglected myself. I also had some AC’s in my life way too soon.
I decided to go back to therapy. That along with a dating hiatus are allowing me to cope with the rage and hurt I can feel towards the ex. It is all small steps, but I have gained a great deal of confidence in myself. I am realizing the beauty of my quirky self. I still struggle with my familial relationships as I am the oldest of a dysfunctional family. I always want to fix things and end up getting overwhelmed. I always sought men to save me from my difficult family. But my divorce provided a type of hiatus. I did not know it then. It has become an opportunity to become more self sufficient and to take more responsibility emotionally. I can now refer to the experiences with the 2 AC’s a learning relationships. Now I am ready to focus on achieving some benchmarks for myself and also as an example for my children.
It is a process. But I am so thankful for this site as a resource. I always come back to it.
It sounds like you are working on your healing. Have you considered finding a therapist?
It sounds like you really did the right things for yourself! I have thought about therapy but I just don’t have the time. I don’t even manage to have my regular doctors check-up because I work full time and I am try it to squeeze in all appointments for the children, juggle with the days when they are ill etc. And I don’t do anything after work which would keep me away from them even longer.
There was a time a few weeks ago when I was really down, I just didn’t want to exist any more, but I got myself out of that. I have to be there for my children, after all.
I think it’s also true what you say about being an example for your children. I want to show my children that you can recover from something like this and that happiness does not depend on having a partner. I would also like to show them some time that I can be in a healthy relationship again. I have heard from so many woman who have stayed alone entirely after an experience like this. One of my friends tilde me after her father had left her mother in similar circumstances she never had a relationship again. And this is what scares me a bit. I feel a lot better realizing it is probably still good and healthy for me not to look for a new partner and recover. But another thought is or has been it’s been two years, I am really pathetic for not having found someone yet. Myex has a new family, the children seem to cope fine, and I am just sad and scared. And a third voice sometimes says I should just accept that il will be alone from now on until the rest if my life and I should get used to that and learn to be happy this way.
I think when it comes to new relationship I have lost all hope that something will turn out well. I had no clue what was going on with my husband until the day he left me. He said he had been unhappy for a year but didn’t tell me, he was just functioning and play gi “everything is normal” and dealing with that unhappiness on his own. And later in the process he met that woman he discussed all his troubles with, he didn’t say a word to me, but said I should have noticed he was unhappy. So I think, even if I should meet someone again, it can’t work out in the end, it will end at some point so what’s the sense in trying. And I don’t want my children ever again to get used to and like someone who then just discards me /us in the blink of an eye.
How did you manage to build up trust and faith again?
And another question 🙂 How fare along the way are you now and how long did it take you? Do you think you have fully recovered and how long did it take you? Do you manage to avoid wanting to fix things and getting overwhelmed now?
PS and sorry for all the auto-correction typos 🙂
Lucy,
How awful! You must feel so betrayed.
Hon, it doesn’t sound like you’re quite ready to date, and you also have a lot on your plate. Do you have shared custody?
The reason I said you don’t seem ready to date, is your thought on never being with someone again- this would be possible if you choose this route. I think when you are a bit more recovered, you will recognize your value and begin to trust others – They’re not all like your ex.
Recovery is individual, and is also dependent on the ending and time spent together.
Take care of you!!!
Hi Lucy, the best way for me to think about this work is that it is a process. I have not fully recovered, but I do feel I have grown. I am still working on my trust and faith, but I am opening myself up more to life. I am not as naive as I was in my marriage and realize that there are people who are users and I need to listen to myself when I hear or see red flags.
I am trying to be more conscientious about who and what I assume and listen to myself more before I take on anything. I am trying to do more for myself including therapy because I found that I struggled more emotionally without the help. Keep the focus on yourself and your children. Lucy, Take the focus off of dating. It is a about rebuilding non-romantic relationships with others and being clear about one’s needs and values.
You need to rebuild the relationship with yourself before you can consider dating. Read and reread Natalie’s blog, Lucy. Knowing that people have made it through these really horrible experiences and live wonderful, thriving lives-single or not- is what I want for myself and the example I want to set for my children.
In terms of dating and my children, even with the AC’s, I never ever introduced my children to anyone that I had a short term ( less than 1 year) dating experience with. My children are precious and I will never put them in a situation with someone I am dating until I am certain that person can pass my BR radar.
Grieve as you need to Lucy, but when you are ready, start doing what you need to take care of yourself.
Happy b, Rebuiling in Brooklyn, Allison, thank you all so much for your kind komments! I have begon to see the light of the end of the tunnel and that and the feeling that it’s ok to give myself the time to recover is a very big help! Take care of yourselves. I hope that all your kindness comes back to you!
“Avoidance of self”. Wow! Yes, I think that’s what we do when we run around wildly trying to feel normal again, after a break up. So much about of our post-breakup actions look like we just can’t get far enough away from ourselves…and we propel that into the universe, hoping someone will come to our rescue. It is about taking time to nurture we who are and what we really deserve.
I thought I had taken a dating and relationship hiatus! I finally went completely 100% no contact with the exAC last November and hadn’t seen him since he abandoned me at the airport the previous February. Deep down I knew I wasn’t over it all, but when the second AC approached me I convinced myself that the only way to get over it was to give him a try. I thought it was the only way for me to get over the soul destroying past. At first it felt great. I felt wanted and attractive again and I was able to push all the pain to one side. Little did I know that this guy was in some ways very similar to the exAC, both cold and controlling. He didn’t abandon me like AC1, but he didn’t stay to see me off, didn’t bother to see if I’d got home safely and went silent on me. It felt terrible and all the old feelings of unworthiness and pain resurfaced. I did the right thing this time by completely cutting him off, but the horrid feelings are still there compounded because there’s now two of them that don’t value me. The dynamic between me and the new man was similar to what it was with the exAC,a completely unhealthy father/child type situation. I can see the similarities now and thanks to Natalie I can see that I’m repeating a pattern and trying to right the wrongs of the past. Now I’ve identified the pattern I can do something about it, but all the grief has resurfaced. What happened with AC1 still hurts. It was two years ago, but I miss my baby again and I desperately want him back. Am I ever, ever going to be free of this pain.
Miss Lilly,
You will be free when you choose to let go.
I think that both of these men were safe for you, as you knew they would never let you in : both unavailable- married and long distance.
AC number treated you like absolute garbage! Honestly, what do you miss about the relationship? How was it fulfilling? Do you miss the constant drama?
Until you address your own EU issues, you will be in the same place. Why don’t you want and believe you can have healthy?
Allison,
There were lots of similarities in the two men, intellectual, cold, manipulative and both long-distance, but the second one was definitely not married. I might be choosing similar men, but that was a big lesson learned and I won’t ever make that mistake again.
I think you’re right in that I knew deep down that the second guy was going to be unavailable because why else would I have chosen someone who lives so far away. I’m clearly EU at the moment.
I don’t think I’m missing the relationship with the exAC it’s the after effects that I’m still dealing with. All the losses, the baby, my self-worth, my home. What happened with the latest man just triggered it all I suppose. It’s just highlighted that I haven’t dealt with it all properly yet. I don’t know how to let go; I’m trying.
Lilly,
I’m sorry, I didn’t write it out clearly, as I knew that jerk#2 was single – need to reread comments.
You’ve gone through a lot of stuff in the last two years. Too much! But, I think you have the strength and courage to get above it all – I can see much growth since you’ve been here.
Please, think about what you’re missing from #1 that keeps you holding on. Honestly, from what you’ve written, it doesn’t seem to be him at all – he’s a sadistic asshole. What is it? I know that you do not want to return to that treatment, or someone that is married. What initially brought you to that relationship?
Hon, when you have a clearer understanding of your actions and thought process, I believe you will move forward.
Hugs
I haven’t commented in ages except here and there!
Just wanted to say hang in there. And as long as you value you and act accordingly, it gets easier. I say this for you as well as for me 🙂
Sending great thoughts to wherever you are at this time.
Lilly,
I think the reason why the pain resurfaces easily is because you’re still not over it. What you went through with that AC was extremely traumatic. It is no wonder that you are still hurting. It was not a relationship in which he was a bum who didn’t treat you with respect, you got fed up and left. It was deeper than that. He was older, it was a parent/child kind of relationship, as you’ve mentioned, he was married, you became pregnant, the baby died and he had no feelings, showed no sympathy or interest in what had taken place. That is a helluva lot to overcome. Unlike most situations you have the ongoing sadness of having lost a child. Lilly, please take your time with guys. I’m not saying you should never date again, but you have to be VERY CAREFUL. Your vulnerability probably shows and guys pick this up very easily. Just keep it light. Don’t look for love. It may very well be that you’re not ready for a “heavy” relationship yet. Try to just have fun and don’t zero in on any one man. Do you have a group of friends that you go out with regularly? Or resolve to take more time with your hobbies, pampering yourself, enjoying what you like to do. Men should be low priority. It’s been two years, but that it not a long period of time for what you went through. Know that we’re all praying for you and want you to have the best life has to offer. Luv ya, Tink.
Tink,
I thought I was ready to dip my toes in the water, but I agree I wasn’t, although I have built myself up from all the losses. I found somewhere to rent when I lost my home, found a grief therapist, have gone back to university. I’ve come a long way, but I’m left with horrible feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness. The latest man triggered all the insecurity and anxiety that’s all. I’m going to try and get back on track. The mistake I made was checking out the exAC on line yesterday. I know this was a stupid thing to do, but I did it anyway. Self-torture, but I won’t do it again. I’ve pretty much let go of him. I never want someone that cruel in my life again, and I can see what he was more clearly now, but it’s the baby that is harder to let go of. I’m trying so hard, but it feels like a punishment and I keep asking myself over and over why he had to die. I’m not feeling good today, but keep reminding myself of how far I’ve come and tomorrow is a new day. In the meantime, no more dating for me until I’ve sorted all these emotions out. I don’t go out much so won’t be a problem. Thank you for your wise words and love you too Tink, xx.
Lilly,
This is so late, you probably won’t see it. You are a warm, sweet, gentle person. I am too, but it is well hidden with a brash, cut-to-the-core exterior attitude. But, you know what Lilly? I have great respect and admiration for you. In spite of a hiccup here and there you’ve come a long way. You are STRONG. You can overcome the residual aches and pains of that horrid relationship. I totally understand that getting over the loss of the baby is a whole ‘nother issue and it is extremely difficult to endure until you’ve overcome. But, Lilly, trust me it will come. TIME heals the most devastating of wounds. Please concentrate on YOU, Lilly. Put yourself first at all times. Take the best care of yourself possible. You are a real gem. A lovely human being.
Hey, everyone. Well, it finally happened. I took my PC to the shop for repair and it is unworthy of the money I’d have to spend. So I’ll be reading and posting sporadically when I go to the library. Take care, all.
I have given up dating since July after I had a brief fling with a ‘friend’/colleague who it turned out was seeing his flatmate at the same time I ended the relationship before I found out about the flatmate because after years of horrendous relationship choices, I could recognise the red flags, like him making me swear to keep our relationship a secret and accusing me of cheating on him!!
Anyway although I made the right decision, once I found out he truth it left me heartbroken, so much so that I walked out of the job that I loved without another job to go to.
What was most confusing was that I thought he was a nice guy, known him for years, had mutual friends he always acted with integrity and kindness the opposite of the assclown choices I had made in the past.
Anyway to cut a long story short, the following months have been hard, emotionally and financially without full time work…but the time out from dating has made me really think about my past mistakes and what I do and don’t want from a relationship.
I have also invested in myself, having signed up to train as a teacher, something I have always wanted to do but seem to get distracted by pursuing unsuitable men.
So every cloud has a silver lining as they say. Sometimes it is beneficial to spring clean our lives, take a break and start again with a different perspective.
Although I am thirty and would really want to settle down and live happily ever after with a husband and children I realise that I need some me time and looking after myself and my future will always guarantee a happy ever after albeit a different one.
Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
Carl Jung
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/carljung146686.html#EK6lk0DlUwt0CfH2.99
Wanted to share this with you guys, it helped me. “No relationship is ever a waste of time. If it didn’t bring you what you want, it taught you what you don’t want.”
Laura,
I agree! I always believe there is always a lesson after every relationship the key is you have to figure it out! This is why this post is so relevant because by giving yourself time between breakups allows you the opportunity to figure this out. My belief is different people come into your life for various reason some good some bad, but there is always a reason. This is your journey and you decide how it ends.
Thank you for this Laura. Interesting food for thought!
Laura, that’s a very wise quote. I like that. There are lessons in everything. It’s just a matter of seeing them, and learning from them. Thanks, and best wishes!
Elgie
On line often is safer than IRL, especially if the on line dudes don’t live in your area. Why? Even if they do stalk/harass you, you have the option of reporting them to the site and getting them kicked off for good. I was cyber stalked on line, on multiple sites, and made things very uncomfortable for the dude. If he lives down the block, not so easy. Most folk do not stalk until they’ve known you a while and you choose to break it off. Regardless, if you, like I, live in a small town, are unusual looking, in this day of Google earth, internet searches, you can be found regardless. You need to anticipate that and have a contingency plan. Mine is the”welcoming committee” two large dogs that take a dim view of the uninvited. I am always alert to my surroundings when outside, particularly in town at night. My number is unlisted and can be changed quickly. I had a separate email address for on line. I am also quite strong for my size and have cultivated locally a reputation as someone not to f@#$ with; long story involving bear spray. The best defense against stalkers is the ability to spot the weird right away and bail.
I love this. I started trying to date as soon as I ended it with my ex eum because I knew he was dating. He cheated on me. But then I realized that I was dating for the wrong reason and I was not emotionally ready to date anyone. So I took down my online profile and I have decided to spend this time dating me. I’m trying to remember and do the things I used to do before I became codependent on my ex. I live to sing so I joined the church choir. I love sports so I started going to the track. I love to travel so I started traveling again. It’s been 3 months. I’m not over my ex yet but I’m positive I will get there 🙂
Personally, I want to be free from the desire to date & mate. Once the desire is truly gone, you can’t miss out on something you don’t have an innate desire for. Time on this temporal earth can be well spent other ways. I just need to be inspired and see the big picture, step out of myself. I need God to be bigger to me than all my distractions.
I’m 55-year-old professional, take care of myself, my appearance, have nice clothes, and try to be outgoing. I work in a prestigious organization where everybody, particularly the men, are a big deal. Every other guy is a married player with a cell phone glued to his year. I don’t need that, but I do need someone.
I’ve asked friends for introductions, to be told all “our friends are married.” I’ve volunteered (one Audubon meeting I went to had about 100 women and five men; similar stats for wine-tasting courses. I’ve tried online dating (how does a former foreign correspondent keep getting sent profiles of guys with a dog chained in the back of a pickup truck or men who take photos of themselves in the bathroom mirror?)
Right now I can’t afford to leave this job. I keep trying to think of crative ways to get myself out of this rut. I am in such desperate need of a hug, you can’t imagine.
Sorry for the pity party. But I know why people have affairs. Loneliness is awful.
Thanks for listening.
KatheM,
Have you considered a dating service that sets up professionals?
Thank you, I have thought about it. It’s usually expensive and although I can afford it, you have to remember that single men at this stage also have very, very high expectations, much more so than women. I keep asking my single brother if he knows of any divorced friends I would be good with. His comment: “All of my friends are married, and if they’re not happy, it’s much easier and cheaper to stay married and avoid extra drama, and instead have a girlfriend on the side. And for the rare guy who does get divorced, he’s going to end up with a 20-year-old Russian model. I’m sorry, that’s just the way it works.” (My brother works in finance.)
I actually ask everyone I know, regardless of profession or income bracket. More or less the same, but without the Russian model. (-:
I am still considering the idea, just wondering if it will really work for me.
Thank you again for your thoughtfulness and caring.
KatheM: I wouldn’t say that those guys have “high” expectations. They have different expectations, and I daresay those expectations are quite shallow. Do you think all those men will end up happy dating a 20-year-old who is, in all likelihood, mainly after their money? I’m not so sure. This is not our problem to fix though.
Furthermore, would we really want to be with someone who would happily cheat on his wife? Or who wants a much younger partner because she’s more likely to put up with his sh*t?
Btw., I, a former foreign correspondent myself, have met quite a few guys like that, and I wasn’t too impressed with them. But I think in reality they make up only a fraction of the dating pool (no matter what your brother says).
By the way, I think we shouldn’t categorically refuse to “date down” because otherwise we would be just as superficial as these men (only with different criteria). Of course we need to proceed with caution there too because we wouldn’t want to end up with a user.
EllyB Foreign Correspondent,
Do I know you?
Thank you for your words. Regarding dating down, I have no problem dating someone who makes less money than I do, or who does something artistic and is getting by, or who has a less glamorous career. But I have to be with someone who shares at least a minimum set of common interests. And he has to make me laugh.
Washington, DC is a tough town. (Do you live here? We could do lunch.) Married, unmarried, players and workaholics populate this town. Lot of single women. My married female shrink says just accept it and even said you could try women!! (I looked at her in disbelief and said, “Well would you do that?” and she answered after a rather long pause, “things happen.”
I want to date a guy, a nice guy, and I don’t want to be alone. It seems like so little but it is so much.
What’s your situation?
KatheM: Actually I’m from continental Europe, but I’ve spent a few years as a foreign correspondent “across the pond” (not in D.C. though). Anyway, I cannot imagine that it is impossible to meet somebody anywhere in Washington. Maybe you really need to socialize more with people outside your “usual crowd”?
EllyB
Dating down rarely works. Men, especially really see themselves as extensions of their career, income, etc. and many really need to feel like providers. The times I have dated down, all ended in the dude trying to cut me down to his size. My best (male) friend married down , and is miserable, my best female friend married way down and was fired because her very socially inept spouse made inappropriate comments at a work function. Methinks we do best with someone who is our equal, whatever that may be.
KatheM I can so relate to that. And I don’t know what to advise except keep going out, doing the volunteering, wine tasting, whatever is fun for you. Not as a method of trying to meet “someone” but just as a method of meeting people and having fun. I know that this must be a very hard time for you, but I think in the end you can’t force it and it is vital to something for yourself where you feel good along the way. I remember Nat wrote something about just going out with friends, trying meet up etc. and the at some even she met her later hubby.
Big hug!
Lucy,
Thank you for the big hug! I appreciate that.
I need to expand my activities and network of friends and keep trying. The low point came when I joined a bowling club that seemed ok online. When I got there the guy who took my membership money was missing his front teeth. Very nice people, I just didn’t have a good time.
Thank you for the encouragement, and I hope you have happiness yourself or find it soon.
Kathe
KatheM
I am in a similar situation but in a rural area and I too cannot really leave this job unless I want to be in poverty for the rest of my days. Sounds like we find the exact same dudes on line. I have no clue how on line sites “match” people, but it certainly has zilch to do with actual compatibility. This is why this year, no on line for me. The comment about a service that deals with professionals is good. Here the nearest one is 100+ miles away which is kind of a problem. I agree, loneliness really does suck.
In the last 15 months since the AC I’ve spent a lot of time getting to know who I am, what I want and don’t want and doing things that I like and that interests me. I’ve started a couple of part time courses at a local college and have also started doing some volunteer work at the college once a fortnight helping with their computers and data base updating. I have an 8 month old granddaughter who is just gorgeous and I spend as much time with her as possible.
I go out socially with other friends and I’m having a ball for the first time in years. I’m making plans to go on a cruise later this year with a couple of girlfriends and planning some fun and frivolity on the high seas (ahoy there sailor!)
I’m so glad that I took this time to get to know and like and value me again because if I’m not right nothing in my life will be right.
As for dating again, I have no plans right now, if I meet someone, that’s fine, if I don’t that’s fine too.
Hi Pauline,
Love your post. Sounds lik you’re engaging in some of the healthiest, rewarding activities you could choose. Wonderful. I’m pretty much doing the same. Since I’ve decided to try and be less intense about my relationship I notice I’m more upbeat and dealing with setbacks a little better. Thanks for all the comments and advise you given me. I think I’m feeling a bit nostalgic because since my computer is dead and it’ll take awhile for me to be able to get another, I’m going to feel a bit cut off from you all. But I’ll be trying to keep up with the posts as much as possible. Thanks for being there.
And, thank you Natalie and everyone else.
Very good to see this. I took a hiatus from the dating scene for 8 months and stayed away from a serious relationship for over 3 years. It was probably the most peaceful time of my life. After dealing with a major assclown who didn’t want to be real, I needed that 8 months of peace. And it made me work on me and know what to look for next time. I was finally starting to feel ready for a relationship again and guess what??! The right one came along! It’s still early in the relationship, but there haven’t been any red flags even though I have looked and asked the right questions. He treats me really well, does what he says he will, walks the walk, is a giver and is emotionally mature. I know nothing is perfect, but I’m really feeling like this is the healthiest relationship I’ve entered into ever in life. He said the other day that good things come to those who wait!
Oregon girl,¨
I´m sure I would´ve done the same. In the beginning of NC I did receive attempts at contact from the awful terrible EUM and I did the whole walking on eggshells thingy. It was like I knew rationally that NC was the best thing, but I didn´t really believe it emotionally. I just did it anyway, while going against my feelings. At times I was really confused, doing the opposite of what I wanted to do.
But then, as I started NC again and he took longer and longer to try to break it, I began to see the whole situation in a new light. I really understood that it was insane, rationally as well as emotionally. I stopped feeling attracted to him, I didn´t even like him anymore. It did take a long time, though, about 6 months orso. So anyway, I guess the best strategy is telling yourself you have to do something that feels bad -like getting a vaccine- and not to question it but just do it.
It’s been 3.5 months since the AC- this is the first week I haven’t cried everyday- I’ve stopped hearing all the crappy things he said to me rattle around in my head but I am still shaken. When I travel to other cities I feel much happier & grounded- I’m not interested in dating but I have more confidence out & about meeting people than when I come back ‘home’. When I’m at home, because he lives in my neighbourhood with all his friends I feel like I can’t relax or escape. I know it’s probably all in my head but it’s tough. It’s definitely impacting my healing. But I am thinking of him less.
I have been focused on building friendships since I basically lost all my friends but it feels damn near impossible. Honestly- it feels like I am in my own bubble & while I subscribe to the idea that a smaller circle of friends is better & likely stronger without drama it’s damn lonely. All I’m saying is I have been sorting through all the rubbish/hurt & all the red flags & why I was attracted to someone like that. I guess I’m trying to get happy with me right now & I’m doing better- I am happier & working out & my health issues have ‘magically’ cleared up without him around. I guess What I’m trying to say is: trying to change while being in a fishbowl is tough & I don’t even go that much! I know I know- I’ve given him too much power & it’s still affecting me but how do you unwind that? Suggestions most welcome.
Brandy, I hear you. I wonder what others think? I went back to the stomping ground of the ex AC and family a few months ago, and as soon as I stepped off the bus, the old damaged me hit me like a tidal wave, the old thought patterns, the negative view of the world and myself, that feeling that everything was wrong and it was all my fault! When you write ‘like I am in my own bubble’ I completely understand, it even brings back vivid memories of walking around the neighbourhood and feeling so detached from the world and lost.
I’m now away for good, but in the past if I spent time abroad or in other cities, I would be a totally different person, outgoing, adventurous, made friends easily, and more ‘myself’. I felt more like the real me, and do now. The accepted wisdom is that you can’t run away. But the further I am from them, the less lonely and the more authentic I feel and act. Weird eh? I don’t personally know anyone else who has experienced this, and don’t know if it’s because I have a particularly unhappy past, or if it’s something about me.
I did have to stick around for a few years and had similar issues with friends (or not having any!), not only that most of my ‘friends’ were his, but also that I had so few healthy friendships anyway because of what I believed about myself.
I don’t know your age but think it’s a bit harder to make friends in your 30s, instead I seek to ‘get out there’ and do things that involve talking to people without carrying expectations that friendships will come instantly. I like that I chat with so many different people. Even knitting is something you can do socially, also running groups, singing groups etc, all cost very little and don’t take too much work or time, you can focus on the task without having the social anxiety and you and the others are relaxed and doing something you enjoy. Say yes to every invite, this is something else that’s really helped me. I used to think people were inviting me out just because they thought they had to and all kinds of silly things, plus having the ex on a pedestal meant I didn’t give others the time of day, so this had to change. And are there any friends you neglected or wore down because you were focusing all your energy on the AC? Maybe you can rebuild things with them?
You’re getting there, big hugs.
“Say yes to every invite” – unless it’s from a sleazy AC of course!
Happy b,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. Yes, I’m in my 30s. I signed up to meetup.com but have yet to go. My town is so small I’m worried I’ll run into his friends & I don’t know what to say. I’ve tried rebuilding some other friendships but we share different values now & I no longer wish to be friends. Hopefully a sign of my growth? I’ve always had a very small group only about 3-4 friends but now I’m down to about 2 & one doesn’t live near me.
The issue is I bought a house & can’t move for another 6 months without taking a major tax hit in addition to the regular breaking a mortgage penalty & it’s a pity since it’s a great location close to work & it works for my dogs but it’s the constant reminders & risk of running into people that I can’t deal with. I can’t shop eat my local grocery store since his friends work there so I shop across town for instance.
I’ve gone out & have a regular dart night with some new people & going to the gym & doing fitness class has been great.
I guess I’m just not sure I’m ready or have confidence to deal with the neighbourhood full of AC & his friends & it feels like I’m in a fishbowl waiting for someone to dish out some crap to me since everyone thought he was terrific but he was emotionally abusive to me.
But in any other place I’m my old confident, smart, can talk to anyone self. Maybe I just need to bide my time until I can sell, move to a different part of city at least & keep working on me so if I ever run into anyone, I won’t care what they say or think & if they do say something I can give then a concise 5 word sentence to sum up why they should focus on their issues & less on what I did/I’m doing & bugger off & not try it again.
Brandy, you shouldn’t be too concerned with running into them, hurtful as it is. I bet there are some people who know what he’s really like, and if they don’t, just hold your head up high. I had to face some very weird treatment from a few of his friends, couldn’t believe they wouldn’t even be civil, but I realised those who stuck by him were pretty effed up (as I had been), there was a much longer list of people who’d seen him for who he was and escaped, glad to be one of them. Just walk tall and see they’re not worth bothering with, they’re your streets and shops as much as anyone else’s. But also we have to accept it’s rubbish and no amount of inner strength makes it easier, it’s not you but the situation. I remember the ex-AC’s ex-GF used to live across the road from him, she had a massive circle of friends, even a kind of male harem and so much going on in her life, and it nearly wrecked her to still live near him.
6 months isn’t too long, brilliant that you’re doing exercise, use the time to get fit, try and do the BR self esteem course and spend quiet times on the homework, do things for your mind, body and soul, then you’ll be prepared for a busy, exciting life when you move.
I too feel “free” when I travel to a new place. No one knows you, or has preconceived notions of you. Perfect time to try a new hairstyle, or dress as you desire, or try a new thing.
I bemoan my aloneness, yet I know part of it is my own doing. I am a trained people-pleaser and codependent, and I avoided marriage because I know I would be so concerned about meeting the other person’s needs and desires that I’d be easily taken advantage of and would grow resentful. I don’t like tit for tat relationships, don’t want to negotiate for good treatment. I want good treatment to be freely given, which is not natural it seems. You have to be willing to negotiate for things in a marriage.
It is hard for me to even recognize my needs until I am so unhappy it can’t be avoided.
I have an admiration for people who immediately recognize their own needs and get them met. These usually are people that others resent….but …… people who recognize their own needs AND get them met FIRST are rarely taken advantage of, and they often rise to the top of the pile. Those that get their needs met first don’t always come across as “takers”………some are deft enough about it that others willingly meet their needs. It isn’t necessarily a bad trait to get your needs met first.
Elgie R, I think ‘trained’ is the word here – your experiences led you to be a people pleaser and codependent. It’s not part of your nature, it’s how you got by in an unhealthy dynamic.
I too avoided relationships with the fear that I would again lose sight of my own needs, when you know what that looks like, it’s scary. The last few years for me have been about undoing those ways and living by my values. 6 months ago, I felt 97% confident that I *might* be able to co-pilot the right relationship (still not enough to risk it), now I’m just about there but still have to find the right person.
What makes it a bit less frightening is my belief that whatever dynamic there is soon becomes more normal and is hard to change, so if you start off having your own back, asserting your needs, negotiating etc., it should work out.
Getting needs met isn’t being a taker as long as you’re not trying to do it at the expense of the other person and just seeing them as someone to be used for your own ego/sex etc. As someone from a family with people who martyr themselves and end up drinking etc., I know we have much more to give when we look out for ourselves.
Happy b & Elgie,
Thanks for the shared perceptions- it does help.
I’m starting from the same place as Elgie- good treatment should be given freely- which is not the case- it should be earned. Something I’m still learning.
It’s one thing to know your needs & voice them & another to do it respectfully. For a second I thought maybe he was just voicing his needs and that it was ME but THAT’s NOT how it was – The AC voiced his needs all the time- needs sex everyday otherwise he sighed & gave silent treatment or accused me of cheating or dressing too sexy for work & it’s not respectful to him- hell I couldn’t have a shower alone – and yes, I voiced my concerns & boundaries about this & other stuff – it’s one of the reasons he gave for leaving ‘we fight too much’ – no, we just argue when I stand up for myself & you don’t like it – then he throws out accusations- and we didn’t even fight that much. I just needed to let my feet do the talking instead of staying but that’s how these guys work- nice & sweet then they flip the switch. So, yes I needed to protect myself first.
I agree relationships shouldn’t be tit for tat. But It comes down to everything: protecting yourself & in a respectful way, voicing boundaries & acknowledging when overstepped & talk it through and/or walk. I just needed to walk cause I tried the talking it through part – he just wasn’t into respect, care or love, it was jealousy, control & manipulation.
Usually I have no problems walking out of other relationships but this one was different & was the most terrible. I thought if I tried & talked through stuff that it would help. I was more open with him than anyone. My ex before this AC never treated me as badly but this AC used my fear against me & I was too open & trusting when that ‘good treatment’ from me should have been earned – which means I would have never given this AC the time of day.
Being alone is hard but I am finding relationships /friendships exhausting. I’m in ‘observer mode’ watching all my relationships with everyone & how others interact. It’s exhausting trying to monitor my actions & motivations & emotions & those of others & workout what I really feel or how I assess the situation.
I came across a trailer for a documentary film
“THE MASK YOU LIVE IN”
The film is about how our society teaches boys from early age to suppress the feelings, to man up, don’t be a pussy, etc. I think EUMs are product of this, we just don’t grow up feeling it’s OK to express emotions. I don’t consciously think about it, and I did open up a lot thanks to women in my life, yet I can say that I was never taught how to do it by my family, my peers, etc. Everything I’ve learned was because a woman was patient enough to teach me. I think many men don’t want to learn from their women, they want to be ‘tough’, a real man. Even knowing what I’ve learned in past relationships did not prevent a form of emotional unavailability in my last one. With the current trend among modern women to move on quicker, taking advice from Natalie: ‘you are not there to teach them’ I was just thinking about how men in our culture have little chance to learn because ‘school is out forever’.
I wanted to ask some of you moms out there who have boys: what do you teach your kids about sharing emotions? And also, if your son is emotional, how does he do in school with his peers? Do girls like him? This could be a good topic for Natalie to write about one day: being mother to a boy, what do we teach our kids about emotions, love, empathy, respect, and other BR favorite subjects.
M – I don’t think guys should rely upon female romantic partners to teach them how to share their feelings. I think this behavior can be part of what leads to unavailable relationships.
It’s better to use resources outside relationships, such as BR or a good therapist/counselor. This is what many of us female BR readers have started doing (because most of us had a very poor upbringing as well), and using those resources is beneficial for many of us.
I had a great male therapist who helped me through a recent personal crisis. I think good therapists, male or female, can be of great help to many men as well.
M,
I don´t think women should teach their partners to access their emotions. My impression is that women have trouble expressing their own emotions, needs and wants in relationships. Focusing on trying to pull emotions out of someone else isn´t the most effective strategy.
As for what you say about moms of boys, I think it depends on each particular child. I have a 13 year old son who has extremely intense emotions at times, while my 10 year old daughter is more reserved. I´ve always taken the time to sit with my son when he´s feeling bad, and listen to him without judging. This has helped enormously and he is a very confident, popular boy. We have a very positive bond and he is very caring and hugs me many times a day.
My daughter also likes to hug often, but she needs a different approach. As she is more reserved, I just let her be when she tells me she wants to be alone. Sometimes she will tell me months later what had been troubling her but that´s just her way of dealing with things. Btw she is very popular with her schoolmates too, and has an active social life.
M
In my marriage I was the “teacher” in a number of areas, and I don’t think it’s a healthy dynamic. I was always focused on his needs, at the expense of my own.
It lead to resentment on both sides. A healthy relationship in my opinion should be each person respecting and supporting and at times nurturing the other .
No more fixer uppers for me.
As for the AC /EUM types, my view is that they generally do know what they’re up to but don’t let on. They do know that if they said out loud “I don’t love you, I don’t care for you and I’m only sticking around for as long as it suits me” that might compromise their comfort. Although they are usually “saying” it in some way through their behaviour, which is why Natalie’s work is so helpful in spotting and acting on that information.
M,
You are a grown up and are ultimately responsible for making your won learning possible. Step up to the plate and do the hard work that needs to happen to make real change, just like the rest of us. We aren’t sitting around waiting for men (or anyone) to make it easier for us or to make change actually happen instead of just talking about it…..just like you shouldn’t use the excuse of ‘modern women’ to avoid you’re own learning. Nothing is preventing you from making forward progress (school is out forever??? whah whah, that’s just being emotionally lazy) , and it’s not women, or Natalie’s advice who are getting in the way of it….it’s you.
I think I agree with YOU, M. I’ve always been looking for the relationships that makes me better than I am alone. My catch phrase is “I’ve never found the guy who makes me SALT”. You know….how the chemicals NA and CL come together to make NACL (sodium, chloride, together make SALT)…something greater than either of them are alone.
These responses to you are saying “You do YOU and I’ll do ME”….I’m not a fan of that reasoning in the case of intimate relationships.
OK.
Elgie,
Well, that isn’t really what I’m saying. I’m talking about coming into a relationship unhealthy and expecting the other person to unravel your shit and put it in order for you. Why wait until you have a partner to work on your issues? It’s self defeating to say you ( in this case, M) wants positive change but can’t manage it because of someone else’s unwillingness to teach you. That is classic avoidance. I do agree that a partner should add to your life and happiness (salt), but not if you come into it unhealthy and put too much pressure on your partner to teach you how to be in a relationship. If we have unhealthy issues of our own, we do have to do much of the work ON OUR OWN, before a relationship. I’ve tried to be with a man who seemed willing to learn but in the end wouldn’t do it for himself. It became draining and my needs become invisible because it was always about him. He wanted me to come in and fix him with love, and I I thought I could, but then he resented me for it when the roots of his issues remained. I supported him up and down, but it didn’t matter because he wouldn’t take the steps for himself.
Elgie
I spent 15 years trying to improve someone’s communication and relationship skills. Every day that I wake up without that load is a blessing. The dating is great fun for me because honestly I don’t need it. The thought of spending the rest of my life alone is fine, because these days I’m pretty good with me.
And, if you’re waiting for someone to fix you and do for you what you won’t do for yourself, you’ll be waiting forever.
A decent healthy man will expect a woman whose got her shit together. And vice versa.
In my example, NA and CL are perfectly functioning chemicals on their own, with many uses and useful purposes on their own…so yes, I agree that people should be totally functioning healthy whole people before coming together. Butfor two healthy complete entities to come together and create a third more powerful thing….?…. awesome.
Also want to say, no one should be in “fixer upper” mode in a relationship. SOs shouldn’t want to “fix” you, you shouldn’t want to “fix” them. You should not want to “be fixed” by him and he should not want to “be fixed” by you.
OK.
Another wonderful article perfectly timed for where I’m at. I’m just passing two months since a two year relationship ended.
I’ve stated emphatically to myself – and others – I’m on a dating sabbatical. It will take as long as it will take to heal, but really I’m treating this time as an oppurtunity to work some things out. It is time to time spend with my daughter, friends and most importantly myself.
I’m spending time exercising, reading, growing my vegetable patch, seeing friends and being involved with my daughters school. I’ll go to films and even concerts by myself. I have the freedom, so choose to exercise it.
Every time some kind hearted person says “I have a friend you should meet!” I give a polite, but emphatic “Thanks but no thanks.”
Nor am I interested in flirting with women, dating or casual hook ups. I feel it is time to take stock and work out what I really want.
I’m 44 which is still relatively young. The thing I’d say to men and women reading this post, and who are worried about their age is this – don’t be!
“But it’s easier for men!” you say. Trust me, I’ve had my own deep insecurities about my age and about meeting people.
Our culture makes up stories that the only true love happens when your young – thing Romeo & Juliet.
Truth is, the relationship you have been waiting for and deserve could happen in the later stages of your life. That’s how I see it. I’ve made some well intentioned, but wrong relationship choices in the past. This doesn’t preclude me from future happiness.
If all you do is focus on your age, you begin to fear al the things “you might miss out on!”.
My last girlfriend became obsessed with turning 40. It turned it into a personal crisis to which she didn’t recover. She did have some wonderful qualities, and could be warm and generous. After forming a relationship with me and a bond with my child she abruptly orchestrated the end of the relationship.
Her exit strategy was to perform acts of relationship sabotage: she’d behave unreasonably flirting with men; she’d tell me I deserved better; and worse she start labelling my child with terrible names. She also had a pattern of playing Russian Roulette with the relationship by bringing it to the verge of destruction– a classic “Leave me/don’t leave me!” pattern designed to make her feel validation.
I have no doubt that the end of the relationship was also the best thing for her. She was still working out who she was and couldn’t decide on what her future might be. Every month her life goals changed: one month it was buying a house; the next becoming Buddhist: the following, giving up her job to study. All valid questions – – but her confusion had a harmful and disruptive effect on me and my child.
I ended it on during the forth episode of her “Leave me/Don’t Leave me!” antics. I did so for the sake of my own dignity, but also it was in the best interests of my daughter.
As a close friend said to me, she couldn’t find a graceful or respectful way to leave. Another said I’d “Dodged a bullet”. Both true observations from people who’d met her.
I grieve the relationship still, but the pain is getting duller, but know it was healthy for it to end.
I’ve had three major relationships in my life, including a 13 year marriage. Looking back I can see a clear pattern of being the people pleaser/fixer.
Each of the women I was involved where high functioning with glossy exteriors – professional, social, intelligent and vivacious. However their inner lives where chaotic and full of anxiety, depression, easting disorders and illness. I’m not the victim. I played my part in selecting and maintaining such relationships.
This is the issue I’m addressing before I even remotely consider jumping back into dating/relationships.
Right now I’m recalibrating my expectations of relationships and working out how I can better filter out those qualities I don’t want in a future partner.
It is vital that my future partner has the capacity to be a female role model for my daughter. The qualities I’d like to see are strength, confidence, a sense of certainty, someone who “owns their own cr*p”, maturity and someone at ease with who they are.
When I put that filter on (role model and partner), then my own expectations and understanding of what a healthy partner and relationship can be becomes all the more clearer.
Those of us with children entering the dating world have a double responsibility – not just to ourselves, but our children’s happiness. This lessons is perhaps the most valuable one I’ve learnt the past two months.
As harsh as it sounds, and as much as I loved the woman I loved, she was not worthy of the love both my child and I have to give.
Mike, this was very inspiring to read! Your daughter is very lucky to have a father like you. And you don’t seem to be unhappy in your current situation, even if the break up probably still hurts, it seems more of a conscious decision of trying to refocus. I think you are doing all the right things! And if you then start to date again and manage to break the pattern of looking for women that are highly polished on the outside but full of insecurities inside, you will meet someone! I must say it – sorry 🙂 – THAT is definitely easier for men. Single, good men in your age group are a rare species, especially those who would date someone their age and not only women in their 30s or even 20s.
Mike,
You sound like a thoughtful, loving and respectful man.
Glad you put an end to the last relationship, as it sounds as if it was very chaotic. You are also putting your child first, as you should be.
Have you looked into co-dependency, to address your fixer issues?
Yes I have – that is exactly the thing I’m dealing with before I even remotely think about entering a new relationship.
Thanks for everyone’s kind words and tips
Honestly, I’ve never understood those who can’t “possibly” be alone/without a partner/without a date. It’s unfathomable, to them, to take a hiatus. I try not being judgmental about it in my mind because everyone is unique and, therefore, can’t be like me, who thinks it’s quite healthy to take a hiatus. But ever since I read an article in the 2000s about how healthy it is (especially mentally) to take hiatuses between relationships, I’ve found it hard not to internally judge those who can’t imagine taking one. But hey… to each one’s own.
I’m currently taking one myself, as I’ve been through a lot over the past 7-8 months and need to focus on getting my life back together. (And actually, this is somewhat of an extension of my last hiatus, as we weren’t officially together – just getting to know each other better to see if we should move forward.) I was talking to someone for a while, but we were moving in different directions, so I felt it best to not move forward and told him so last month. He doesn’t understand, and likely never will, but I’ll remain acquaintances with him and wish him the best.
Spinster,
I have always believed you shouldn’t jump from one relationship to another because don’t allow yourself the objectivity needed to assess what went wrong.
But at the same time, I understand that some people don’t like being alone. I have always been a loner. This is who I am. So the notion of being alone doesn’t bother me, but there are some people who just haven’t grasped the concept of being alone vs loneliness.
It is inherent that people want companionship, but when people need companionship this is where its get murky. I don’t judge. We all have different ways of dealing with loneliness, but the key is not let it cloud your judgement.
“Learn how to take care of you and also connect with the things that truly matter to you and make you you, so that you can ensure that you’re living your life in line with who you are (your values) , so that when you do start dating again, you are much clearer on what you need, want, and expect, instead of waking up knee-deep in a relationship and wondering why a person who you feel so intensely about isn’t actually making you happy or even why you’re pretty much suffering from malnutrition.“
Right on! Since I am currently knee-deep in what I am calling “The Boundary Project”, an exercise in which I am getting clear about my own core values and constructing boundaries to defend them, that is another thing I should make it a point to get crystal-clear about forthwith. It’s interesting to see how the work I am doing with this is affecting the dynamic of the catastrophically f’d up marriage I am in the process of getting out of.
For all those who are considering a break but are unsure; I did it for 18 months and it was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.
I didn’t intend for it to be as long but I ended up enjoying it so much I was in no rush to end it by actively searching for someone.
Prior to this I’d spent my life up until 37 years either a) in a terrible relationship or b) half dating someone who I’d become obsessed with but who wasn’t overly interested or c) in a fantasy relationship with someone with a secret gf . I can’t believe that there had never been even a week my head was mine and my emotions weren’t attached to the actions of someone else.
It got to the point I just had enough of being hurt. I spent a few months still moaping about the ex, a few more fantasising about someone else but then made a decisive move to end the friendship and stop half contacting the ex.
It was difficult. But I started to focus on me and making decisions that were best for me and not ones I’d hope bring me closer to some AC. I went through a few phases, including anger towards others – why do they get great relationships, panic – I’ll never find anyone. Ever. But by the last 5 months or so I started to really enjoy myself. It was so nice to feel calm and not all over the place.
I’ve been dating someone now for 7 months and it is by far the best relationship I’ve ever been in. Who knows if it will last, but its equal, respectful and fun.
I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have found myself in this situation had I not sorted my baggage out.
But i didnt just do it to meet someone, I’d pretty much given up hope. I just knew I couldn’t carry on as I GAF been (and dating AC put me in a bad place over the years, suicidal at points, reclusive etc etc)
Quote: “For all those who are considering a break but are unsure; I did it for 18 months and it was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself”
This is an inspiring thing to read. There are days when the thoughts about the ex-GF are strong and that old monster called “Relationship Nostalgia” (RN) bubbles to the surface.
But I keep reminding myself of what happened, and just how hurtful the ending was. Finding that can help kill the RN.
Had lunch with a good friend who said “Time will sandpaper these feelings and thoughts down”. That’s all it is: time.
When I’m ready, then I am – but I’m not going to rush.
I feel like I’m on somewhat of an ongoing hiatus! I’m OK with that though, and I have very much got used to my own company (and my gorgeous dog) and enjoy it. But as someone who isn’t interested in online dating, works in a predominantly female-based occupation (the health care sector), and is no longer interested in partying til 3am on a Sunday morning, it’s never easy meeting men. Perhaps the romance of films has ill-prepared me for reality. I hope for those organic coincidental meetings, which is what happened with the previous EUM who brought me to BR (and for which I am grateful). But I think it just means, meanwhile, that my hiatus continues! Best wishes to you all, and thank you Nat for your never-ending wisdom.
I always thought that a dating hiatus was inevitable in most cases, even when one isn’t choosing to take time out. I don’t understand those who seem able to meet someone instantly after every break up, unless they don’t really care that much who they are dating.
Great timing as ever..
Broke up tonight with some one I dated for just under three months. Sometimes regardless of how short or long the “relationship” it’s a reminder that staying in there, despite the basic desire for this to “be the one”. Is not worth losing all you are , and have hard won.. Hopes and dreams can’t be measured by weeks months and years . But as you say previously Nat… Love is not pain. if this is what it’s like now, what would it be like later on.. Having to do the right thing .. exit stage left now. no more relationship crack.. And accepting some one else’s chopping away to make themselves feel better. Thank you BR
We are afraid of taking a dating hiatus because it gives us time to find who we are, and that can be scary.
I am a musician, artist and spit fire of a human being. I can be off putting if you don’t like honesty.
Before the ex, I cloaked myself in this frumpy facade as to not ruffle feathers or be noticed.
I remember I used to use the affirmation like a cocaine sedative that everything will be alright and bad things won’t happen if I’m nice enough.
My life took an utmost fucked up route the entire time I chose to believe the asinine assumption that love is enough. Life takes a whole fuckload of a lot of things.
My path is the arts (and believe me it ain’t easy, sometimes it breaks me to the bone, but who said self-respect would be easy?)
If I find a man via this unglamorous path, great, if not, who cares? I got me.
You know it’s funny, I used to put more care in picking underwear than men I chose. There is something seriously wrong with that.
It was all about who would have me. Now it’s all about who the feck is worthy of me.
Love the article as usual, but I find it seems to be based on the assumption that when you’re ready to get back out there, the candidates will be there for you. Often they’re just … not. Or they’re the same old ACs and you’ve developed policies to weed them out as soon as they start acting up.
That “hiatus” could very well stretch out into the rest of your life; I’ve seen it happen. There are people dealing with far, far worse in life.
NoMo
I agree, even though we do the necessary personal work of healing, self realization, self improvement, does not mean our dating pool chooses to do likewise. It would be nice to have a partner who is intellectually, emotionally functional and healthy. Being alone all the time, no physical affection or someone to discuss ideas with,running a small farm, remodelling a large house, plus having a full time job, all solo, is damned hard work. Having to deal with seeing the AC all the time makes it even harder, knda remnds me of how others think I have no value. However, settling for someone you have no attraction to, who cannot pull their weight in terms of effort, intellectually, emotionally, financially, just means more work for me with zero benefits. A lose-lose situation which I refuse to participate in. I often denegrate myself for taking this job, investing in a home but then remember that there was no way I could’ve known about the lack of potential partners for someone like me AND that my top priority was (and needed to be) to get back on my feet financially, recover from breast cancer and generally ensure that I built a future old age that does not include being homeless and poor. Needed to take care of me and I did. Tis sad that us older chix are almost expected to embrace the old maid stereotype, to accept it, to accept being devalued but I say screw that. For now I am focussing on fixing my life, fixing me, planning for retirement, if things do not improve relationship-wise, I will leave society entirely rather than accept any “less than” role imposed on me by others.
No Drama,
That is interesting that you bring this up. After a lengthy hiatus, I’m finding myself curious about dating, but, yep, just finding the same old same olds. But….I’m going to the same haunts.
There’s a museum alliance I want to join and maybe volunteer. It’d give me a chance to meet new people…and, yes, men. I’m scared, but I’ll probably do it anyway.
But you are right No Drama,
If a lack of a romantic relationship is your greatest worry, you are doing mighty fine.
Buuut…I might add, I have yet to see someone who genuinely wants a healthy romantic relationship not get one. Not saying it doesn’t happen that people don’t, but the odds are in our favor.
It has been less than a year since the epiphany break-up that brought me to BR. By taking a dating hiatus, I feel I’ve transformed for the better but I still don’t feel the need to date. I’m not ready to trust anyone new as yet – and accordingly I’m not interested in dating as yet. I’m enjoying the leisure time I get to pursue things that enrich my life. In fact I feel rather protective about the time I get to do exactly as I please. It feels good not to be using up my free time to please & nurture someone failing to do the same for me. It feels good not to be dining off illusions or crumbs. How come? Because being single does not bother me, being deceived & undervalued does.
It is a relief not to date someone looking for opportunities to intimidate me or resenting me for not second-guessing myself. It is a relief not to be dating someone – despite his successes – fearful & resentful of me not needing him in an all-consuming & self-effacing sort of manner. It is a relief to be me & to be free to lead my life on my terms – a great blessing indeed not to be a pleaser, savior, crumb-taker anymore. Thanks to BR, I realized that these are the three roles I had been playing out of habit to my detriment. I can stop making a fool of myself by no longer trusting the wrong people – the ones that might deceive, manipulate, and flip-flap on me.
I feel fortunate to be able to return to a peaceful nest. I don’t feel alone. Over the last 11 months, my anger (regarding past mistakes) and anxiety (regarding present & future relationships) has decreased. Maybe some people might pity or judge me for being single at my age – 31. But I’ve learned to care less and less about what others think of my single status. Only if I come across someone truly deserving of my time and care, then I might consider dating again. Otherwise, I prefer to do things on my own – and possibly & happily for the rest of my life on my own. Unlike my early-to-mid 20s, I no longer feel the need for a partner to feel better about myself. I prefer to feed my endless curiosity: there is a lot to learn & experience for which one does not have to be paired. Unless someone consistently earns my trust & enhances my life, I don’t see the point in dating.
Overall, I don’t feel the need to chase anyone for their care or companionship. Unbeknownst to me, until the break-up last year I had been making the mistake of showing more interest in some people than they deserved or reciprocated. Regarding a potential partner, friends, colleagues, and family members, I’ve made this rule for myself: if someone (1) shows limited interest in meeting me, (2) cancels a meeting, (3) appears half-present at meeting, then I won’t bother extending invitations to them. If they care about me, they’ll make an effort to reach out to me and to be fully present during a get-together. If not, I don’t need them.
Nigella, I am about 3 months post breakup and learning all these things you are talking about. I see you are at 11 months, so you are way ahead of me. I am reading you and know that I will feel the same way. I am already feeling the benefits of thinking about how I contributed to the relationships I got involved in. Prior to my epiphany relationship (like yours) I had never stopped for a single second to think why I meet such weird, wrong, creeps, cheaters, liars, womanizers, unavailables, etc. I thought and was confident it was my curse and I have no luck and I will end up alone for the rest of my life, so my next relationship will be casual, just for sex and “I don’t care anyway,” so surely enough, expecting no outcome, I did get involve in relationship s that even directly showed no outcome! Such as this last person I was with he had been telling me that he was not ready for a family , move in or anything definite like that. Maybe, maybe one day. So he had been telling me, but I refused to hear. Why? That’s what I have been asking myself for the last 3 months and thanks to this site and books on psychology, I understood so much about myself as I never had in my entire life. I am 36 and just now learning about myself.
I remember someone wrote, people like us , are scared at being with yourself during a dating break. True. It’s like I don’t feel comfortable sometimes feeling my own presence and feelings. Getting and being busy is not a problem. But then you stop like when having a cup of coffee by yourself in a cafe, and see people, couples, and feel this utter loneliness. 3 months postbreak up or before when I was in between other people. The good thing is now I catch that feeling and think about it. I am asking myself, why I am feeling like this. Why I am not okay being by myself? Was I not feeling lonely with my last partner, for instance? Someone who always kept his barriers up, never let me in, never became emotionally intimate after several months together and always had one foot out and it felt like a permanent date with no progression. I felt more miserable and lonely with him during those awkward moments when I was with him and feeling physically almost how thick his walls are and I can’t get through him. This is what I should be remembering now especially when I am hitting my very low point – 3rd month and 3rd week I heard are tough, right? after a breakup? I have been feeling very low all week and even longer. It’s scary because I thought I was getting better after 2 months, but then something hit and I am feeling very low. I am searching for him everywhere. I mean: I see “his” car, I saw a guy wearing a shirt like he has and almost cry, I see men with similar body , face type, and I want to cry. I miss him and search for him in the crowd. I maintained NC now for 40 days after our final breakup almost two months ago. The first break up was almost 3 months ago and he took a month to think things over again. Anyway, I wanted to say something else. My 10-year old daughter said something that I wanted to share here. She said that she liked one boy in her school but then she overheard that he said something mean about her to another boy and he said ” I was laughing at her” pointing at my daughter when she was passing by. My daughter then told me, “So I don’t have a crush on him anymore.” I go, “Wow, how did you manage that? from liking to just stop liking him? ” She said, “well, if someone is not nice to you, why you keep liking them?”
Imagine that!!! Such common sense and so simple coming from a 10 year old. Looks like her dad and I did something right for her self-esteem and self-worth, if she thinks this way of her. Thinking of me , coming from a highly dysfunctional, alcoholic, depressed, suicidal family, I would lose my nights, sleep, grades, everything when I used to fall in love for boys who didn’t even pay attention to me or even said something unpleasant about me. Well, she is 10 only, we will see what happens later. But I really liked what she said. I think she has a good and solid foundation. and I thought, I am 36 and just getting it now. …
Sofia,
Since you are not jumping into another relationship & are exploring your feelings in a self-critical manner, you have put yourself on the right track to take your life in a new direction away from emotionally underdeveloped people. For the first few months, I remember thinking about all the charming things Mr. Liar had said and done to ingratiate himself into my life. By making a conscious decision to think of his bad behavior, I managed to snap out of my tendency to forgive and to idealize people. This is not to say that I tried to demonize or blame him entirely for the outcome of the relationship. I realized that it was high time for me to learn some lessons in order to deal more effectively with people like him – the ones that act distant & put in less & less effort into the relationship as time passes.
If you commit to breaking some of your thought patterns, you are going to feel a lot better about yourself in a few more months. Give yourself time to figure out exactly what are your fears, needs, values, and relationship habits. This is easier said than done but the payoff for investing in yourself is definitely going to be much better than investing in noncommittal people.
How brilliant that your daughter did not think twice about saying sayonara to the little joker she had initially liked. She deserves a pat on her shoulder for taking good care of her heart and you deserve a treat for raising an intelligent daughter. Cheers to you both.
I am sorry to hear of your ongoing sense of loneliness. It can be difficult not to long for a partner in the company of seemingly-happy or actually-happy couples. In such circumstances, perhaps it might help to focus more on yourself and remind yourself that you are complete on your own. Does this thought sound phony or corny? Like a denial of your burning desire for a companion? Do you *need* a companion to feel good about yourself? If yes, why?
How can you learn to feel good about yourself without having a partner in your life? How can you learn to (1) appreciate the present, (2) distance yourself from past after taking away some lessons, and (3) stop worrying about the future?
I cannot speak for you, but I do think it is damaging to think that one *needs* a partner to feel good. If you give it some thought, you might realize that you are not really missing him. Rather, you are missing the feeling of love and being loved. Perhaps you are not missing a person but rather a feeling.
In my early-to-mid twenties, when I was single, I used to long for a partner whenever I interacted with couples. I particularly felt the sting of being single when I – unlike paired individuals – had no one who showed an interest in celebrating my accomplishments. Rather foolishly & viciously, I used to think to myself, “So what was the point in achieving Y or Z? No one cares. So and so talks so lovingly & proudly about his or her partner. You have no one to do the same for you. You are a loser. You have no one. You will never find anyone.”
In hindsight, I see serious problems in this negative style of thinking. True, at times I did not have a companion with whom I could celebrate my joys or successes. But I always had some friends and family members feeling happy & proud of me. Ideally, I should not *need* anyone to advertise or recognize my accomplishments.
Over the past few years I have been feeling happy for couples. The change in my response stems from the change in my perspective and circumstances. Instead of thinking about my single status, I fill my mind with positive thoughts about the couple I might be observing. Instead of forgetting about the good things in my life, I re-direct my attention to things that matter to me.
I remind myself: one *needs* oxygen and food to live. One does not *need* a partner to live or to live well. Having said so much, I do realize the advantage of teaming up with a consistently caring companion. Unlike my former self, I no longer feel the need for a partner to complete my life. In fact now I think of a romantic relationship as a luxury rather than a necessity.
I like the idea of this luxury and I am willing to do the work that is required to deserve this luxury. I certainly do not want to put up with another liability – as I have realized with time dating emotionally unavailable people is tantamount to shouldering a liability. Never again am I going to mistake a liability for a luxury.
I hope you never again have to waste your time on an EUP. Be good to you. Count your blessings – your daughter is surely a big one.
Nigella, you are very wise.
I do need to seriously think why I need another person to complete me, to make me feel happy. From a spiritual point of view, it is exactly what you are saying. One doesn’t need someone to feel whole and complete, to feel good about oneself. There is a relationship with God already and has always been. I won’t go into this subject, but I want to say that theoretically I agree with you. In practice: this is something I need to think about. You are possibly right. I miss the feeling of companionship. Of love and being loved. Of excitement, of sex. Does it mean though I miss the person too? Or just the feelings that I had with him/about him. That’s a good question to ask. I find myself too much in the past. Thinking about the past. I am not fully in the present except for the mundane, routine tasks that I go through daily. I don’t think about the future much except for the obvious: moving into a different apartment soon, budgeting, etc – practical short-term things. I need to refocus my vision from the past into the present. I analyze way too much everything and I know although it is good to a point because I have discovered a lot about myself and learned what I did wrong in this and other relationships, I need to be careful not to be stuck in this analysis. I think I have already examined every detail and angle of this relationship. There is nothing else to dissect. Even if I still feel like I don’t have an answer what happened, I need to stay in the present.
Thought pattern is a big thing. One needs to be careful because I noticed it’s becoming an obsessive habit thinking of him, the relationship, could have, should have, being stuck in the past. I remember reading one of Nat’s articles on the subject on how we need to be really cautious about not getting stuck in the analysis and recycling mode where it becomes a daily, an hourly habit of thinking of him. Another interesting thing is once that’s phase is over, you are left alone and you might even miss the feeling of being in pain and thinking of him all the time. So it’s almost an excuse to stay in the past and hang on to it instead of facing the now and moving on. It is a great point she brings up.
Thank you for your comments about my daughter:) I am blessed I have her and she gives me insights whether how she relates to people and on the spiritual level too. Her other side of the family is religious, so her knowledge has taught me quite a few things. She is definitely an emotionally healthy and secure person! I can say it without a doubt. Even though she is in a divorced family, she has both parents who love her, there is no stress, no chaos, no ambiguity. Her step mother has a good relationship with her too, and so do my daughter’s grandparents and her relatives. Everyone loves her and they are all close. It is great to see that my daughter has so much family support and love. Something I never got and am learning to give it to myself now.
Thank you, Nigella. I will be rereading your posts and future ones too.
Nigella, I wanted to add: it has been my problem too that I forgive people too easily and idealize people. I read on this board that people are angry at their exes, and I don’t remember getting too angry at him. For a short time and it didn’t last long. Like you, what I need to do is to focus on his bad behavior. I already did all I could to find my own faults and mistakes and I blamed myself for everything possible. I learned my lesson but I don’t need to idealize him still. Like you are saying, we don’t need to demonize them, but the truth is that they were definitely not innocent. I need to remind myself, or rather like you are saying, to CONSCIOUSLY be aware of his bad behavior and the wrong things he did to me, instead of replaying over and over the romantic clips from the beginning of our relationship. I tend to romanticize everything and forget the bad stuff very quickly. That doesn’t help in a recovery process. That might help letting go eventually because there is no bitterness, anger, or resentment. But meanwhile, having only nice memories replayed in my head, doesn’t help me to move on. I need to remember all the negative stuff I was so unhappy about. The guy was not evil, AC, or anything really crazy like people talk about here on the board. However, he was definitely an EUP, and he admitted it himself. Why I was holding on to him regardless – something I need to examine. That’s probably the craving and need to hold on to some kind of love because I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted a relationship and I wanted it to work so I disregarded everything he told me into my face. I remember dating in the first couple months. we used to see each other every weekend, but it was like going out at night. Then I said, I would like to start our Saturday a bit earlier, not at 8 p.m. but see each other like at 3 p.m. So we have not just evening but a 1/2 day. Or I asked if we could spend a Sunday together. His answer was ” I have my life, I am busy and I am not going to spend 24/7 with you.” It hurt me tremendously because we were in the romantic stage and I thought he would want to spend more time with me too. Of course, he managed down my expectations and I said, well, I don’t need to see you 24/7 either, but I thought we could see each other more to learn each other better. Going out to a bar, sex, and that’s it, it is like non-stop dating with no relationship developing. He said that his life is too busy with work etc. So I put up with that. So, he was upfront with me from the beginning. The thing he was not upfront about and perhaps because he didn’t know himself, is that he kept telling me “he was not sure about me and whether you and I could work out together. What if in two months we will get bored with each other. People separate, get divorced, no one belongs to anybody, you can’t expect to be forever with one person. I am having fun with you now. Do I see with you for the rest of my life? No.” He would tell me things like this. I chose to not listen. I chose to wait. And he continued relationship with me, knowing all the while I wanted more and waited for him to commit, and he knew he could not deliver. But I guess in his mind, he already told me his attitude about our future and he managed down my expectations, so it will not be his fault if things didn’t work out. “I told you so.” And it exactly how it all ended. “I am not committed and you are not the right person for me. I was not sure the whole year, but now that you ask me whether you are the right person for me, I say no you are not.” The end.
if I were in the same situation now, when I date someone and they tell me their own set terms and timing how dating goes, I will walk out of the relationship. I am going to have my needs met. If I want to spend more time with the person on the weekend because I want to get to know him better, get closer, and he doesn’t because he needs his space and he is busy unless it is a party time window – Saturday 8 p.m. – Sunday 4 a.m. – then I am out. This is not a relationship. This is a permanent dating, which into what my relationship turned out to be for the entire year, with couple exceptions of traveling for a long weekend to another city and going to couple places on Sunday where I spend with him more than 1 – 2 hours on a Sunday. EVen, then, the person, would literally look relieved that I am leaving. Even though he seemed having a great time with me, but I could read in his face, he was relieved that I was out of his space. There would be no cuddling, no staying together more than his time schedule allowed. How could I tolerate all this? How did I put up with these arrangements? I don’t know. All I know is never again. And this is what I have to remind myself over and over, how bad I felt during most of the time except for going out and having fun on the weekend night, having great sex. Then, the rest of the time , I felt my needs for emotional intimacy were not met. I felt pushed out,locked out because he kept at this permanent dating level for a long time. He made sure I didn’t cross his boundaries (while mine were none of course, as it goes typically). He had his life and I would never cross that fence. Can’t believe I did this for months and months. That’s what I should remind myself as I go through CONSCIOUS thinking that in the long run, I never felt happy with him. I felt excluded. Unwelcome. And that’s where I have to focus on myself now. To feel wanted by myself to myself. To welcome and treasure myself. I am learning. It is hard. The good thing I understand and recognize all the problems now for the first time in my life. That’s a great start.
I’m saddened and also happy to read this sofia. You seem to be making all the right moves and thoughts internally. This resonates with me hugely:
”To feel wanted by myself to myself. To welcome and treasure myself.
I am learning. It is hard.”
My favourite saying is i don’t want anyone who doesn’t want me. Since applying it to friends, family and heck potential lovers / bfs in the last few years, my life has become easier.
Sure, i have slipped and messed up when i haven’t acted in truth to my real values. But, i’ve been trying hard. Who knew abandonment issues brought up via a houdini (we only dated 3 months and there was no sex) could unravel so much work i still needed to do. A year on too.
But, i am glad and even though i feel petrified like today. I feel up to the task.
I reckon it gets easier as time goes Sofia. The more you look at your part and insight gained, the more it won’t feel like it was for nothing.
I love your comments Nigella, great points and thank you both!
Nigella, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. It really resonated with me.
I’m 33 and just got out of a 3 1/2 year relationship where my EU sucked the life out of me. Before that I was in a relationship for 10 years, married 4 out of those 10. I’m now raising two kids all on my own (ex is way out of the picture) and picking up my life after being devastated again by someone I thought loved me.
I’ve only really ever started to do stuff for me on my own. Granted, my kids are with me a lot but they don’t feel that void that having a partner would feel. It’s only been 4 weeks since the break up but I’m starting to realize just how much I neglected myself to make him happy. how awful I felt most of the time. how aloe even with him by me. It’s scary and I find myself crying more mornings than not because even though I know I’m better off without him, this is new to me completely. I’ve never been alone and on my own since leaving my parents house at 18.
I took a year between my ex and the new EU but clearly that wasn’t enough. I allowed the last guy to cross every boundary I SHOULD have had in place and in the process completely lost myself. Of course I’m afraid that my clock is running out (I mean come on, I’m 33 and a single mom, how much harder could it be to meet someone new than that?) but my happiness and peace of mind is so much more valuable than filling the space with another empty relationship.
Kaykei,
Big hugs, 4 weeks is not a long time, try not to worry about your future but concentrate on yourself and your children. Do small things and big things to look after you. I promise you that if you do that, life will get better for you.
33 is still young. Im a 49 year old single mum.
Kaykei,Im a 46 year old single mother.
“(I mean come on, I’m 33 and a single mom, how much harder could it be to meet someone new than that?)”
Yes there are challenges but be careful not to victimise yourself using popular rhetoric and stereotypes. If you are not/have not been meeting the right people for you or any people even, it is self defeating to *blame* or seek reasons/excuses on the basis of you parental circumstances. Better to use your energy maintaining your support network, organising your life so as to meet your own needs and goals along with those of your children of course. This requires discipline and commitment to yourself,your values in all areas of life and most importantly following through actively. Active commitment is key. Better than drifting around on the single mum self defeating raft of isolation.
Kaykei, I am sorry you are going through this. I am in my 2 month after a breakup. I know it’s hard. I am a single mom too. I have one daughter. I am 36. Yes, I had a fleeting thought in my mind too: That my time is running out. But think about it, we have kids already, so in that sense, the time is not running out. Biologically speaking. As far as age: love can be found at any age. Don’t worry about that. The good change I found in myself, finally for the first time, that my fear of staying alone forever maybe is not that big anymore. If that happens, oh well. I am really not scared of being alone anymore. Whatever happens, we will be fine.
1 Year, 11 Months on the Journey (the journey that continues day after day…)
Ok. I have decided that I can date again almost two years after the *most hurtful and revealing* epiphany I have ever had, but with the caveat that I am not ready to jump headfirst into a relationship – or overextend myself for the unworthy, as Nigella has explained. I have suffered from a lack of boundaries in the past. So, I literally bought a chat pack (see: from the bookstore and inserted the boundary that I had to ask one question each day to any man interested in dating. It seems to me that too many people are no longer interested in building adequate foundations for their relationships, so it is my hope that we (me + a potential date/partner) would build a foundation by getting to know one another through conversation. My goal is to make it through the entire pack before moving on to the *next level… follow me.
There is a man who seems to be respectful and respectable, and he has been under evaluation for several months now. Aside from his respectability, he seems like he might be falling on the future faker side (perhaps he is a dreamer with good intentions, I don’t know – hence, the evaluation…). Then and again, the nature of his work makes it very difficult for him to plan things and he ends up talking a lot about what he plans to do in the future…
Anyway, a few weeks ago, he said something that unsettled me. He wants to have a family one day and says he is interested in a serious, long-term relationship. I told him that actions speak louder than words. I told him that I am unconvinced of the need to have a baby, although I have not ruled out marriage. I spoke frankly of my very personal fears associated with childbirth and motherhood. I told him that I was afraid of the crazy pain of childbirth. I do not have children. So he proceeds to ask me, “How do you know it hurts?” I thought this question was insensitive, and I immediately imagined myself being eight months pregnant and him invalidating my emotional stress. I found myself ***incredibly angry*** as I have personally witnessed women bear this invalidation and subsequent loneliness. He told me my fear and subsequent anger over what he said was illogical. I think my crazy anger might have been illogical (I am seriously considering anger management therapy), but my fear – not so illogical, but based in evidence stretching back to the start of recorded events… Mind you, his “logic” concerning why it doesn’t hurt derives from his female relatives telling him that it didn’t hurt them “that much”… I couldn’t bring myself to call him -other than to apologize for freaking out, and I haven’t felt any urge to talk with him again ( though I did talk with him once this week).
I feel bad for becoming hysterical, but I still maintain my position that his question was insensitive. It makes me cringe in fear for even thinking of moving forward with him at all.
Another fear I have is that my slowly building self-esteem may be too fragile and I overcompensate for it with anger instead of explaining my position in an argument more calmly. I then have to come back around and apologize for the outburst when it could’ve been avoided in the first place. Then, that is the image the person has of me, and that is unacceptable to me.
Thanks in advance for any advice or comments (unless they are negative… just kidding)
🙂
Reversal, This is so important, please, please take your time to listen to your intuition re this man. Don’t invalidate your gut reactions even if you believe you could have communicated them in a less angry way. BTW there is nothing amiss in the feeling of anger, don’t ignore it. Your main issue seems to be with how you expressed it.
A long time ago I was in a LTR. The bf came home whilst I happened to be reading a scene in a novel that described a rape. He asked what I was reading. I said a disturbing scene in this book and showed him the page, which he read. He handed it back and said, ahh a sex scene haha. I said, no it’s describing a rape. He shocked me by launching into a thesis re rape is still ‘technically’ sex, instead of apologising for his careless, immature quip (this man was decent and respectful and would never condone rape). In our subsequent conversation he remained insistent that rape could still be termed as sex ‘TECHNICALLY’ since both involved penetration. He argued for the sake of being right. And right there was the beginning of the end for me. I never could feel the same about him again.
Omg i just had a visceral response of wanting to throw up lizzp. Wow! I can’t even explain how triggering it is to me. Let alone imagine how you must have felt watching this man said that rape is technically sex as penetration is involved after all! Rape is not ever about sex, it’s about control and power and taking by force. Urgh.
Reversal, i’d say, irrespective of the outburst you had or how angered you were, does it change the truth of what you felt? That he was insensitive about your fears on birth / motherhood and the pains? No.
I’d say listen to your gut on this personally. Also, anger does have its uses. Not sure how familiar you may be with Audre Lorde, but she wrote something about the uses of anger.
Lastly, take care of you and hope you run away from this person!
Hi,
first of all I am a guy who needed to understand more about the woman I love so that’s why I have been reading up on this website.
I am having a dating hiatus or dilemma as of lately. First of all, I am dating a girl who couldn’t get over her ex. At the start, I didn’t know anything about her ex and she looks like an emotionally available person to me so I didn’t suspect anything at all. We started as friends and I slowly let the relationship unfolds over time.
There was once when she just went missing for 2 weeks. I was very upset but in the end she came back and started talking to me again so we continue dating.
Then she finally told me that she is still not over her ex…and if he comes back, she will want to be with him again. However, if someone makes her feel loved, she wouldn’t mind trying again. She said she couldn’t make the decision right now and asked for more time.
That was a big no-no for me at first.
I wanted to withdraw and go away from all these but still we continued dating.
After that, I only decided to continue dating her because she also doesn’t want it to end and I can tell she is slowly opening herself up and making more effort.
Those days were very nice and we see each other almost everyday. There are times where I will get abit pissed off but when she sensed that, she will always put in effort to try harder.
Only until recently, this topic came back again.
She still couldn’t make up her mind and I really want to help her to move on.
I told her how much I love her and what I was planning to do with her in the next few months…but I will let her go so that she can either take some time to heal herself or she can go back to her ex.
They have been together for 3 years and broke up for 1 year. I can totally understand that because it took me 2-3 years to get over my previous relationship. Then she told me that she planned to take some time off and she was looking forward to letting her past go during her coming summer’s europe vacation.
I don’t want to force her but I told her that I will be waiting for her until she is ready. Right now, I am just trying my best to stick around until she is gone. I told her that if she cannot let things go and decide to wait for his return, I will leave and have no regrets spending all these time with her.
Now we are just waiting to enter this dating hiatus with unknown results…She will be leaving for Europe for the summer while I will be going to the States to do some business for sometime.
Ladies, I really need your advices on this because I really love this girl.
I know most ppl will ask me to give up because there is no point going for someone who is emotionally unavailable and there are better girls out there. But for me, life doesn’t determine who will I meet and when will I meet them…I wish I could have met her when she is ready and I wish I could have met her before her ex too.
But I know life is not about being in the perfect situation and it is about dealing with imperfection at times.
And the times we spent together tell me that she is the one whom I was searching for all these 3 to 4 years and she is the one whom I want to spend my days with. We both enjoyed each other’s company very much.
I want to tell her that I wouldn’t mind spending 2 to 3 years waiting for her because she is the one. But I also don’t want her to feel stressed thinking that she is doing all these for me or I am expecting something from her. I really love her.
This upcoming hiatus is stressing me up.
Please share with me if you have any successful stories that were similar to mine.
Thanks
Natalie,
I like the idea of a dating hiatus because I took time to find out about ME. What did I like, how did I like to spend my down time? These were all questions I didn’t know about myself because my spare time had been thinking about “him”. What a freedom to give myself the gift of “Me”. I wouldn’t trade it at all! Thanks for another thought provoking post.
Pamela