Canada asks “How do you heal a broken heart? When you’ve really cared about a person and they unexpectedly end things with you, you can’t help but feel low and defeated.
How do you pick yourself up and move on even though you’ve got so many feelings for this person? What should you tell yourself to give yourself a bit of a pep talk and how should you approach getting back in the dating game? (when meeting someone new feels really scary and daunting and you really want to avoid getting hurt again so soon)”
Breaking up means a loss. That means losing the person, the relationship, dreams, hopes, plans, and possibly a sense of self. There are no quick fix solutions for getting over the hurt but I have put together a few tips for each stage (Denial, Anger, Pain, Acceptance) of the ‘grieving’ process.
Denial – This ranges from “I can’t believe this sh*t is happening to me” to point blank refusing to accept that it’s over, to believing that he’ll be back in a day/week/month, or refusing to acknowledge the issues that may have surrounded the demise of the relationship. You may even go to places where you know he’ll be in the hope that you can accidentally on purpose bump into him. This is quite normal although I’d lose the urge to seek him out as this tends to end in tears more often than not and you’re unlikely to come home with the prize or you’ll wake up to an empty bed and the realisation that you’ve just been an accidental booty call.
Remember:
It takes time to get over a break-up.
BREAK-UP’S ARE SUPPOSED TO HURT! People fear the pain but if more of us remembered that it’s going to ease and pass, it would stop us from kneejerking back into a broken relationship.
Take the focus off him and put it back to you.
If we are more aware that we have to go through this stage whether it’s for a day or week (try not to let it drag out for months…), it actually makes it easier to move on to the next stage as you have the awareness that you’re avoiding the reality but also an awareness of the next stage and working towards that.
Cut contact. The whole let’s be friends BS should come about six months to a year afterwards. You need to heal and you can’t just switch roles!
Take it one day at a time if you’re feeling really bad. Eventually you’ll move to focusing on a few days, to a week, to getting back to normal.
Never beg, never plead. It’s a difficult place to come back from.
If the breakup has come out of leftfield or he’s been tooing and froing, I think you’re more likely to start off at this stage. You may go straight to anger though…
Anger – Suddenly you’re not denying anymore. In fact, you’re acknowledging the break up and getting angry. You may want to get medieval on his ass (please don’t go down the illegal revenge route) or just want to confront him.
I always say – unless he’s been pulling some cloak and dagger crap on you, when you take off the Rose Tinted Glasses, the Bruised Ego Fur Coat, and the I Want to Kill You heels, you often don’t need to confront them or ask questions because you know the reality deep down. You’ve just been avoiding it.
Remember:
The key thing in the anger stage is that if he has been a bastard that you acknowledge him for what he is. The anger stage, whilst you will have your irrational times where you’re the most perfect woman on earth that’s been ill done by, is about acknowledging the bad. Get over the romanticising and start getting real. If he has been treating you like something he stepped in and then dragged back through the grass, stop saying how frickin wonderful is and start getting angry. It’s healthy! Just don’t let it turn you crazy!
If you need to jog your memory, take two sheets of paper and put down all the good things he did on one and the bad on the other. Fold up the good one and put it somewhere safe where you can look at it when you’re are further down the healing road without having the urge to beg him to get back together. Read the bad and keep reading it. Add to it if necessary but get real.
Put away things that remind you of him or have a spring clean and rearrange your place.
Examine the reason for the break-up. What can you learn and apply to future relationships?
If there is anything familiar about your break-up i.e it’s a road well travelled, I would dig a little deeper and grip your pattern before it grips anymore of your relationships.
Pain – Whilst you’re obviously in pain from when you break up, this is the point where reality has arrived, and the anger has calmed down. I always think of this as that point when you realise he really is gone and that he’s not coming back. Or…it’s not even so much pain at missing him but pain at not having someone. You’ll possibly feel very bleak and alone.
A number of readers challenge themselves to think about him less each day or week and record it in a diary, then rewarding themselves for thinking about him less and focusing more on themselves. Initially you’ll have plenty to record but after a while, life does go on.
If you keep a feelings diary this is an opportunity to quickly jot down a few words to describe how you are feeling and what triggered it. It shows patterns of emotion and thought, and also gives you the opportunity to understand what your uppers and downers are.
Remember:
Remember that whilst most of us miss the person, it’s the security and the dream that’s a killer to let go of.
Get up and do stuff. Anything or anyone you’ve been neglecting, regroup and reenergise.
Women in particular have a habit of letting their lives come to a standstill which is fine temporarily but not on an ongoing basis. Trust me, he is not crying down the phone to one of his friends or forgoing the football/rugby/cricket or a night out with the lads!
Acceptance – You’ll probably be bumbling along and suddenly realise that you’re not missing him as much as you thought you would, you’re enjoying yourself again, and that your life is about you. The key thing here is accepting that the relationship is over and wanting to get on with things and move forward. Don’t pretend that you’ve accepted the break up but secretly hope that you’ll get back together. Accept is as final as this gives you the freedom to get on with your life.
Don’t date until you are no longer emotionally attached to your ex – this means no residual anger, no booty calls, minimal hurt. If you grimace or have one of those tight smiles when you think or speak of him, hold that dating thought. You know you’re ready to date when you don’t care either way anymore.
Forgive. Carrying hurt and pain is what gets us in a lot of our trouble. We go around with our baggage, collecting up more, then the emotional plane overloads. Forgiveness frees you and puts you back in the hot seat of controlling your own life.
Don’t forget to read the 10 Commandments of Breaking Up
The biggest thing that you must hold close to you is that the relationship may be broken but you’re not.Â
NML is the founder of Baggage Reclaim.
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Hi NML,
I’ve been meaning to thank you for your generous post in response to my question!
I’m eager to take on board the suggestions you have provided. They will be great starting points for me.
Thanks so much x
BTW, I’d love to learn more about your email consultations.
Hi Canada, no problem at all! Glad to help! I’ll drop you an email tomorrow re the email consultations. Take care x
Thank you NML and everyone. This website has given me a ton of insight and a lot of strength. I finally ended it with my EUM for good 2 months ago. We had been together (I thought exclusively) for a year. The second year I had been in a boomerang relationship with him up until 2 months ago. We had shared some great times together and when we were together it was terrific. We went on several vacations together and got along superbly. I fell in love with him, but he didn’t return the feelings. We only saw each once or twice a week on a regular basis for the first year. He put up a wall and wouldn’t let the relationship progress. I kept in there because I thought he had potential and he told me he wanted to take things slow. Please!!! Well, he emailed last week and it was a lame email just wanting to see how I am. I didn’t respond, but I’ve been obsessed with him for the past week. I guess there’s a part of me still wishing that he will show up on my doorstep declaring his love for me. He was a typical EUM…never told me he loved me, never met my family. I also found him on dating websites. He always had some excuse and I wanted to believe him. It was all about him, what he wanted to do, when he wanted to see me. I could even count on him calling everyday. I turned myself inside out trying to make it work…and I started therapy because of how I realized my self esteem was so low to put up with a guy who wouldn’t give me what I want and needed. I ended up going back with him about 4 or 5 more times, ending it quicker and quicker each time when I realized he still wouldn’t give me what I needed and it was all about stroking his ego and what he could get from me. He would mostly communicate by email. It was a big deal if he called even though he knew that was what I wanted. It is so pathetic as I am writing this, that I would put up with so little. He knew how I hated email communication as the main way of him contacting me. He would tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, how great I was, yada, yada, but would let me break up with him and lose me. Then he would just about have to sneeze and I would go running back. Well this time I didn’t respond to him and I’m having a very hard time…there’s a part of me that wants to so badly respond and be with him…even though I know logically that he is poisin for me. I know I have to focus on me, but instead I’m thinking about him, what he’s doing and what his next move will be. It has been a struggle ever since I met him. I gave away my power to him and he still holds some of it. I know I have to celebrate my victory too…for not talking or corresponding for 2 months and not answering his last email. ANY ADVICE FOR GETTING HIM OUT OF MY HEAD???????
to all the women, Hell Yes We Are A Precious Gem, and this phase will bring us closer to improving ourselves and be the beautiful and loving people we are. I’m hurt but i turn to this site to help me on those hard days. Thank You and You All!!!!
I’m here in tears, the first day after that lovely “I love you, but we don’t have a future” speech, but it really helps to remember other beautiful fabulous women are going through the same pain. It helps to feel less alone.
Sammy, please, all of us are beautiful and fab but my question is how is it we can’t find single men who have the same traits of Mr. Unavailable, is there something that we are denying within ourselves. Sammy know the tears will dry up,come back,dry up and i say this because we always take them back until what we truly feel about this person come to full light. Hang in there!
There is a helpful practice I found, written by Pema Chodron, called Tonglen. Though it is not specific to the pain of lost love, many sensitive women have found it useful in dealing with heartbreak.
To do Tonglen ( the way I understand it)…Breathe in deeply, fully feeling the pain of your lost hopes and dreams ( and related illogical desires for the assclown ). While breathing in and knowing your pain, realize that all over the world there are women feeling your very same pain at this same moment.
Don’t try to avoid this pain. Breathe deep and feel it and take it all in, and then let it all out. Repeat as needed, anytime.
Just another trick in the bag of healing broken heart techniques.
I am so glad we can share in our healing.
one two three B R E A T H E ! And Smile
I finally emailed my ex and told him I couldn’t be friends. We broke up 2 months ago, and I’m starting to go through the effects of breaking up. I’m in so much PAIN. It hurts so bad. I feel like somebody died. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m not eating, I keep crying all day long. This is pain I’ve never experienced before. Please can anybody help. Any words of encouragement would be GREATLY appreciated
I’m in the same situation. Very bitter about it. But time will heal the broken heart.
3 months i love him i hate him, sad songs I’m still not over him but refuse to communicate in any form with him. Remember they are Unavailable and he has made his choice. Love and desire is a beautiful thing embrace it i will not loose site of this. Write as i do, and we all will get through our hurt. Smile
Truly,
The only thing that helped me was keeping super-busy. I increased my volunteer work, tried new activities and spent a lot of time with friends. The benefit to all this is that I was contributing to my community, found new interests and spent time with people i care about.
Try it! And keep posting!!!!
H A P P Y N E W Y E A R T O A L L !!!!!!!!!
Gaynor is right just keep going no matter how hard it is.. keep going out keep going to work keep in touch with friends and family … try new stuff… eventually you do think less and less about them… not easy and i still find days hard but once im occupied else where its so much better… writing helps I bought an excerise book and wrote and wrote … got lots of feelings out anger sadness truth i wrote ridiculous stuff sometimes it helped to not contact him as i would write how the conversation would run if i rang or texted etc.. it does get better honest truly …
Gaynor,
I think volunteering is a great idea. I love to help others, so I’ll definitely do my research on that. I feel better today than I did yesterday. I guess any hint of progress is refreshing.Thank you. Have a Happy New Year.
i too think volunteering is rewarding and help others. Is this not what we are doing for eachother? I don’t want to go out New Year’s i rather stay home and appreciate what i have been blessed with and rent some movies with a bottle of bubbles. No matter what i do he comes to mind, how in the hell i did not realize what the end result would be? Well thanks you guys for volunteering in my time of sadness and to others who really need help.
You too, Truly!!!!
Happy New Year to all!! It’s going to be a great year!!!!!!
Gaynor,
Hey! Things are starting to look up and I’m thinking about him less by the day. The only think that stays on my mind is why he never responded to my farewell email. It was very nice, short and sweet. I guess I’ll never know…
sweetie, you will here from him. We and i mean the broken hearted women and long ladies somehow have to understand men don’t love the way we do, why?because they see what love does to us and it is not cool. I miss my guy so much and it has been 3months nothing. We do and say beautiful hellos and goodbyes and get nothing in return. Love,miss him, hate him desire him but time will heal all wounds (that’s what i here). Smile
Truly Lost, please don’t worry why he hasn’t responded to your farewell e-mail. Think about it, what response did you expect?
What is he suppose to say to that e-mail?
I have gotten farewell e-mails from guys after I broke it off, did I respond? No, there was nothing left to say.
Now, if you wrote that farewell e-mail to get an response out of him, then you will be in for a looooong wait.
Astelle & Patricia,
Thanks Ladies :-)… I’m honestly tired of dwelling on this breakup. My life must go on.
Wow, I just found this website last night and can’t stop reading it. Its like having a 100 best girl friends telling me exactly what I need to hear. I just ended my A, 7 days ago by NC. I’m married, still no D day, thankfully. I’ve cried my eyes out, drank and smoked myself sick, and spent days in the clouds wallowing in my own self pity, occasionally breaking into the sunshine by listening to woman empowerment songs like Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable†and Pink’s “U and Ur hand.†I’m highly successful, well educated, affluent, and from all outward appearances have everything. I fell for a sweet talking single handsome man who was an emotional and physical mess, borderline homeless, devout Christian (or so he led me to believe). OMG, how did i EVER fall for him???? So hard it hurt. I felt like I had never felt this kind of love before. That this is what love is supposed to be. He had my heart locked up tight. I was willing to give up everything, my career, leave my 3 kids, my H, Crazy. And then i found out that he was cheating on me, not once, but three times that I know of. I never would have accepted this behavior before. The sex was amazing, he said all the right things, made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world, his soul-mate, we were meant to be together, etc…wow. Hook, line and sinker. I do love him, probably always will, even after everything. I agree that you can still say “you will always have a piece of my heartâ€, but you will NEVER control my heart ever again. NC has to be the way to do it. I tried to quit the A multiple times. This time I am sticking to it. This site has given me the strength to see the A for what it was, an addiction. I accept full responsibility for my actions though. I am the one who screwed up. Im working on repairing my marriage. Thank you to everyone out there for helping me.
Thanks to everyone on this site for helping me through a difficult breakup. After an intense six-month relationship, my EUM — definitely a mummy’s boy — broke it off with a phone call that left more questions than answers. One day he loved me more than life itself (or so he said), and the next he wanted nothing more to do with me. He initiated the NC and I’ve embraced it heartily after first begging and pleading with him to change his mind. How humiliating! Time now to take the focus off of HIM and put it where it belongs: on me. Some days are easier than others, but by reading through the posts here, I’m seeing where I went wrong by hoping someone else would provide the love I’ve never been able to give to myself. It’s difficult, but I’m trying — and the best of luck to all who are hurting and working toward self-love and self-esteem.
TakeHeart, I know you’re hurting.
Many of us here are in the misery of a breakup or the misery of the relationship. Both are miserable – but the good thing about a breakup is that you know (deep down) that things will get BETTER.
For those of us still in the miserable relationship, we know (deep down) that will NEVER get better.
Perhaps that is the hardest pill to sallow. I’d been at it for 3 years, so I guess I’ve been trying to justify my staying by fake-believing that this man could possibly fall in love with me. He’s not. Peace to you … and to all of us trying to heal our broken hearts.